The survival mode…

Weird the thoughts that come to mind… I was just thinking how I nurtured my observation skills, all because of domestic violence and the memory of said violence all the way back to one year old… wow… 64 years of memory and the violence takes up a lot of my time at this moment in time…

It’s not because I have a high functioning memory ability… It’s because I was abused and had no defense… I watched and most of all I listened… 

All these decades my brain has been in watch and see mode and when asked for advice by the kids or grand kids and they in turn jump down my throat over said advice… I with draw and have no desire to participate again and if I know my pattern of behavior… I won’t participate again in their lives… I will just sit back and observe…

It all goes back to survival and knowing nothing but abuse my first 17 years on this planet and most of all not having memory of that time period or those 17 years… made some behavior in my life tattooed on my soul and though I have seen a slight behavior change on my part, I do not expect me to roll back my behavior once I am attacked… it’s on the person who did the attacking to grow up and own it… not me… they threw the blow, they have to own the blow…

So it makes for an interesting look at life… yesterday’s phone call changed everything I had been thinking or planning… it threw it out the window the minute the lawyer started talking… things will happen that fast on our end and it begs the question…

Where do I want to commit to living the last years of my life??? So I keep asking hubby… “What are we going to do???”…. and he just goes… “Ummmmmmm”…. 

I told Mike it felt like a Cinderella story, evil mother and sisters… world out to get ya, secrets that were kept, that were never secret… the center does not hold for the corrupt of heart that started this journey for me… mom and dad…. christians…

It brings me full circle as to what do I really want to do now… Now that the financial constraints are gone… what do I want to do now… an I listen to the noise outside my window and I know… I need quiet and solitude…

We have company coming this year… we told everyone, if you want to see Hawaii, you got until October and we are packing up…. and finishing our work we started… and if all goes well, we will have the house on the market in Feb of next year and we will be back on the mainland by May and the next adventure will start…

It still begs the question… where do we go next and what is the next adventure… It has been 6 weeks since I quit the Levothyroxine… it’s nice to feel the old me again without all the paranoia and tightness one little hormone did to my brain for 27 years… like quitting cigarettes or booze… I don’t miss it and wonder how I survived it… a man-made drug… men in power controlling the rest of us…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her love for life…

Sgt. USAF DAV