My Invisible Disability….Autonomic Neuropathy…

The past week, has been fun… and very surprising….

When I offered to take my niece to Zip line, I had done something similar to it, but only slightly and I wrote at one time I had a fear of heights… well, not any more…

The zip line was fun, but it never got my adrenaline going… It never got me excited…. It never made me feel fear…. It never gave me the butterfly feeling… I find all of this disturbing, kind of….

I have known for a very long time I am fearless, I have done stupid before and stood up to people and I have defended myself and actually hurt someone… I really do need to brush up on my self-defense, with my old body….it’s not young anymore…

I have read about those of us who have brain injuries that are moderate to severe and if it’s in the right location, we lose our inhibitions and have no filter and fear is in the garbage…

Well I have inhibitions, but I have no filter and it seems I have no fear, within reasonable limits… fear is the most important emotion we have and without it… we don’t live long…

I also found this week, I really don’t like being watched and I know I was… I don’t move the way I used too… I have changed…. most of all, I am so surprised of what someone thinks of me that has known me for over 30 years… it was nice to hear…

But mostly, I didn’t lose my temper or get cranky… I just got tired and acted like a person that was tired… until the trip across the island to take her to the airport and the central nervous meltdown happened… my invisible disability…. Autonomic Neuropathy…

Now this disorder is usually associated with high triglycerides and mine are…but that didn’t show up in blood work until about 20 years ago… the symptoms for the autonomic started when I was a child… and I have written about it… so what happened yesterday that scared our guest…

When this happens it is much like a seizure, but this time, Mike and I had a witness… I never loss consciousness… I never threw up, but boy did I want to… I never stop or became frozen in time and I continued to interact while the episode happened…. so I do get why neuro thinks it seizures… I just don’t fit the profile… but the Autonomic fits this scenario perfectly and this is what happens and it really is worse than a roller coaster…

First I get a flush of heat in my head, like a seizure would cause, then it transverse down my internal organs and this time no heart impact, heart rate stayed normal… it hits my lungs and makes it damn near impossible for me to get them to contract and expand… I can only get a shallow breath from the upper portion of my lungs, my lower portion of my lungs are paralyzed… they are stopped from functioning until the overload to my central nervous system is done… it lasted quite a while, about 20 mins… I couldn’t close my eyes, because it was a light show from hell, with my eyes closed… I had to keep sipping water and had the AC vent blowing on me to cool my head down… If my insides are gurgling, my bowels start to rumble… I know that the throne and I will be best of friends later that night… thankfully we were not last night…

The attack happened 3 times… and I actually got a warning a few days in advance… before it happened for a couple of days I was real nauseous…. like I had a bug…

This is something that has happened so many times over the years since the first beating at 5 years old… and this is the first time I have been able to isolate what exactly it was impacting… and I knew when I couldn’t do my breathing exercise…. my lungs were the target…

Autonomic neuropathy can kill… it goes for our organs and shuts them down… I have been doing breathing exercises since 1978… I think that is the only reason I haven’t had an attack that could knock me out… the memory pattern allows me to breathe, not much mind you… I can fill all of my lungs, but when this happens… I am fighting to stay alive with every breath…

I know it freaked our guest out… but we have been through this so many times… we know the drill… we stopped at a big store and I walked around, because those things in the store were not moving, the vehicle was and made it difficult to focus on what was needed, air…

Something I have lived with, entered the military with, worked my whole life with… so when someone tells me they can’t work and they have no doctors to back that bull shit statement…. I know the kind of person I am dealing with… oh, my life just seems to get more entertaining daily… going home is going to be an interesting experience… new enemies I will make…no doubt on that thought… sorry, got to keep some secrets…

So, was it all the activity that caused the melt down or was it just normal for me???

I wrote a while back about how these episodes were becoming more frequent… and they are… just as long as the throne and I are not overly friendly… I will learn to continue to cope with them and continue to do those things that help the damaged nerves not kill me… thanks mommy dearest for that beating at 5….

Another thing I find amusing… how few people realize Mike and I walk with death daily… everyone associates cancer as impending doom on their lives… we have never made that assumption… we live it daily….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before the first beating… so much taken, because she told the truth…

Sgt. USAF DAV