Fight or Flight… the Fear mechanism…

For the longest time, I would say about 5 decades, I could not figure out why I had fear… I had no clue of the beatings, or any of the trauma and I had become so good about burying the rapes and all the other bad things that happened as I walked through life… I didn’t understand why the “Fight or Flight” was turned on in my brain… I really had no clue…

The things that would happen during this time, I think in a way, helped me turn off my emotions or maybe not so much turn them off, but deal with them in a different way…

I remember when we moved to Mena in 03, how it felt to be around Don and Freda and how that “fight or flight”, turned on in overdrive over the most mundane behavior???

As I watched Don die and how the christians around me behaved, that was when it started to melt away… I left the house before he passed, Freda, never allowed me to be near him alone, she was afraid he would confess and blow her cover… so I was not with my dad, I was denied that like so much more, by Freda…

Anyhow, this flight or fight… seems to be gone… Remember I talked about the Zip line tour we did… I never felt fear, not even adrenaline… my body and brain was spent from 50 years of it in overdrive… the Endo doc even did a test to see if my cortisol levels were up… the test failed, they couldn’t hit a vein… dumb bitch used a 20 gauge on me and a butterfly is all they can use, why??? Neuropathy!!!

I have done all kinds of things in the last 15 or so months to see if that feeling or angst of fear and flight kicks in… NADA….

It is odd, how I can adjust to cutting off my biological family after so many decades of abuse… and I can do it to my own children…. why???

Because no one has a right to abuse me…. ever!!! that is the behavior of the christian world, abuse, lying, stealing, cheating, murdering, beating… that is what christians do…

I am an atheist… I don’t live by corrupt standards, I live by natures standards…

The butterfly feeling is there, but the fear and flight is gone… the steady hand that was there for the 5 car accident, decades ago has come back into my life… the hate and fear caused by christians, is gone…

I finally have control of my life… not christians … my soul is mine and it is free to soar…. as I watch christians spiral into hell or decadent behavior, but god will forgive them…bet priest say that every time they rape???…….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who loved to fly in the swing…

Sgt. USAF DAV