PTSD… maybe after 5 decades I own it???

IQ, self-aware… told for years, talking childhood up till I was 29… it was mostly in my head… lol how right they were, just not in the sense they wanted… Humans who think they have a right to judge another human, when in reality, they can not tolerate what they see in the mirror and we all know that is a fact… 

I trusted me, I fought myself to listen to me… I read all I could about multiple personality and come to find out, that is called dissociative identity disorder… well I knew that was not my problem and bi-polar wasn’t it… and I knew it wasn’t personality disorder…. little did I know that sometime back in 98 during a VA appeal I was diagnosed with PTSD, records state I was told, but Mike will tell you, If I had been, I would have latched on to that in a heart beat… so my word against what a doctor wrote in my records and a husband I have lived with for 25 years… I’ll take Mike’s statement… I was never informed… same as what happened in El Paso on a VA appeal in 2011…. I took the tests, talked with the doc, he mentioned my memory ability and that was all I heard, until I requested a copy of the evaluation….

It really is typical dysfunctional VA health care or the guise of health care… to me, it’s just paying people a pay check so they can treat veterans like numbers… that you can take to the bank… rudest employees on the planet are working at the VA… and that is a FACT!!!

So lately, when things go off track and it bothers me, instead of fixating or fretting or beating it up, I problem solve, handle it calmly, though I do let it be known, not happy about that moment in time and it’s done… over with and usually resolved…i.e. realtor issue… which has a major impact on our future…

I am dreaming, but not nightmares and I have memory recall during waking hours… so what started last year, has transitioned into me owning the PTSD, instead of it being in control…

Having had PTSD since I was a child and no one getting it right until I am in my 40’s is indicative of a broken health care system not only in the VA and Military but civilian as well…  which speaks volumes about America and it’s problems… now in my 60’s and 5 decades of that PTSD owning me, if feels good to take ownership…

The rooster is outside the window crowing and starting to distract my thought process….

Hope to have the house listed next week and sold quickly, so that we may start the process to leave the island….

I look forward to solitude and quiet, and most of all no bangers or roosters….. think my targets for practice will have a clunker with a massive sound system and a big red rooster… paper representation of what annoys me… should be fun to see if I remember what my ex taught me… about shooting…

The day is started the rooster closer to the house… Have a beautiful day and thank you for reading my crazy story… I am still trying to wrap my head around it too…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated the way Hill & Ford were treated…

I Remember… Margie… before the nightmares…

Sgt. USAF DAV