PTSD has left the building…

PTSD has been with me so long, it has integrated it’s self into who I am…. from what I have read about psychology and neuro psychology… if you get PTSD and no intervention, you can live a lifetime with PTSD…

Since the first remembered brain injury at 5 years old after the TV interview and Freda took one of those old fashion solid wood yard sticks to my 5 year old body… from the head to the toes, the woman I called mother, beat the crap out of a this little girl…. as you can see, she is digging her fingers into my injured arm to force me into the picture, while on the other side she cradles Peggy, the sister that says we are ohhhhhh so close……..

That right arm is swollen, the hand and wrist malformed, the little finger obviously broken and when you look at the left, it mirrors the right arms damage… and travel to the thighs and knees, obviously swollen and no child can hurt themselves like this… only a car accident or blunt force trauma… those knees are a torture this very day and that little finger, never quit hurting, 60 years later….

My PTSD came on the scene before this beating… I would say around 3 or 4 years old, the symptoms were already presenting the behavior of a trauma…

For decades Freda went on about my intelligence and lack of ability in school… gee, no kidding, my head was her favorite target… but IQ testing by the Air Force on Japan and later by the VA, proved my IQ was mensa level…. and I still wonder how far I could have gone, without a brain injury… and, I will never know…. makes ya wish you could do the “It’s A Wonderful Life” routine… hey Clarence, I’m all yours….

The last couple of weeks has been insiteful… we have had issues that dealt with things just flat out going wrong and it costing us money… lessons I try very hard not to repeat and most of all….

I didn’t have a melt down…. but Mike did…. he felt so guilty… he was trying to protect me, when he should have, always just been supporting me… protection should have happend in my parents home… and I have always protected myself… so hubby got a lesson in what not to do… I had to let him off the hook and I have talked about that too… I deal with trauma, with humor, as I always have….

Though it hurt us, this dry run and both of us not doing a thorough and complete job and most of all not holding the Expedia employee accountable… lesson learned… expensive, but learned…

Stress is a 4 letter word for Mike… his triple by-pass bought him time on this earth and him fretting over screwing up on the dogs and it costing us… is not worth the few hundred dollars we lost… we just will be more cautious and informed on the next flight bookings….

The fact that I didn’t loose it, beat it into the ground, rant and rave for days on end… speaks loudly that PTSD is on it’s way out… and I am finally in control…

Doesn’t mean it won’t be lying in wait to take its pound of flesh… but the brain recognizes the trigger and is taking it in a new direction, a direction of giving Margie back her life…

We all live on this planet and we all want to have the best for us and ours…

I want to save the world too, but I am realistic and know that I can only impact the world of which I am a part of… and we always leave much behind to help those in need, when we move… not this time…

This time it’s about me, and Mike and about our future… I can’t help anyone else until I feel I have done all I can to help my own private world… recently asked for advice about something and I just declined….

I said it before, respect is earned and so many of my blood do not treat me that way and the wall is there to stay… but watching from the sidelines on the way they make the world a better place or will they take from it and exploit it…

All in all, I will be watching quietly on the sidelines…

The day is hot and muggy, trade winds have gone and it will continue this vein for the summer… AC on and freezing, but you step outside and you melt…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, I tried and was silenced by christians….

I Remember… Margie and the nightmares of the Bagwell household…

Sgt. USAF DAV