Life without PTSD….

My interest in psychology started when the Air Force decided to use me as a scape goat and keep the base reputation from going down the toilet, over the rape and attempted murder of my children in base housing…. so why the interest in psychology???

When I was forced to see a shrink and undergo psych testing via a paper test, I asked a pivotal question the doctor could not answer and if he had done his job, he would have recognized I had a brain injury… but the base reputation was more important and many higher power were orchestrating the actions that were to follow that psych evaluation… I asked the doctor this question…. “Can you change your personality”????

I asked that question, because by now, after only having a menstural cycle for less than 8 years the Air Force took all my organs out and that mess is complicated in its self circa 1978…, and I figured the hormones they were giving me were causing my issues…. how wrong I was and I would not learn that until November 7, 2017, when I got my memories back or at least the beginning of my remembering….

I understood my IQ, I just didn’t understand all the conflict I was constantly fighting…. sitting here the last few months reading my VA records… it looks like PTSD was the diagnosis in 98 when I was made 80% disabled and 20% unemployable and to this day, I have no memory of being informed by mental health that I had PTSD….

By 2010, when I was fighting another appeal with the VA system, because health care it will never be… another psych eval, only difference, the doctor documented “Above Average Intelligence” and “PTSD due to her illness”… and again I was not informed… this time I found out by doing an appeal and they provided me with a copy of the evaluation….

Yep that is our VA health care system… you know, many years ago, some old timers told me, don’t piss off the federal employees at the VA, they have a black ball system and you won’t get care or you will have to fight for it… I brushed that off as gossip….

Not anymore and that was about 30 years ago… and I have personally experienced the black ball system in the VA health care…. been over a year since dental surgery was requested… not a sound from Oahu….

It also took Tri west over 90 days to get me in with an eye surgeon and after being in that clinic, I’ll wait till we get moved to Washington… that was a cattle factory for health care…

Much has transpired of late and stress, off the chart… Death, life, anger, love and hate…. life is happening and instead of the PTSD making me want to run away…

I deal with it…. it’s nice to be back…. I have missed me…. My guard will not come down… PTSD has a way of letting you know it’s hanging around… the longer I go with out that reaction of PTSD… I have hope that Maggi is home and Margie is finally at rest….

No crystal ball, just what I have always clinged to…. Hope….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, the silence is golden when all is not right and the delusional religious THINK they have a say about me…. Slavery was abolished… or was it…

I Remember Margie and the cruelty of the Bagwell household….

Sgt. USAF DAV