Edetic or Trauma… How I make memories…

This one has stumped me since I read the medicine behind it or the psychology…

I have pleasant memories… but, they are not as vivid or in detail like the memories of trauma….

When the dentist said he had been waiting for that front bridge to fail… I realized… my dental care had been impeded by me, because of Trauma by the Little Rock VA dental procedure, who made said bridge… and my mind went to that place and didn’t leave it, every time I entered the dental clinics here… I was in survival mode and because of that…. I didn’t hear as well as I should have listened…. and it cost me and is costing me….

If we experience a life time of trauma… our brain, like any other muscle, has a memory and pattern it will follow… and the only way to break the cycle of self abuse or survival panic mode… break the pattern by becoming aware of the DeJaVu you are enforcing upon yourself….

It would be so easy to blame this on everything else, except myself… but it’s my brain doing the abnormal brain wave and causing my reaction… I so want a more indept EEG…. I want to know exactly why this is happening in the brain….

I marveled the other day as I was fixing my baby food dinner…. that I wasn’t losing it during this period of trauma…. and again that aha moment… I had changed the way I reacted to events in my life, putting them in less invasive categories of moments and taking the trauma aspect out of the picture….

Essentially I am just taking control of my world, instead of letting the past own it…

It felt so good to go to bed last night, realizing… I was gaining control over what the past left me as a gift….

A broken body and a mind that refused to give up on Margie….

That being said, I went back over the conversations I had with my dentist in Hilo and realized, I had vacated when he told me about the implants…. scared I ran the other way instead of listening to him…. this is what he told me last year….

The implants will take us up to 2 years to complete… that was with the bridges in tact in May 2018…..

2 years and that I am betting on it… with the lost of teeth 3 thru 11, the maxillary just got tricky on surgery, yada, yada……… yawn…. an that may take the specialist I have been seeing for the extractions… reconstructive kind of surgery and so much more I don’t know about, because I already forgot what I read…. hate when the short term memory farts on me… but the conversation, that is easy for me to recall….. weird…

I do have options, partial plate gives me the false appearance of teeth, functional, we’ll see… so we can move home if we chose next year…. If I do the implants…. we could be looking at 2021 and that scares me, with the economy already showing signs of recession and interest rates will climb like they did under Reagans legacy…. 12% for a mortgage…. ouch……

I have to weight the pros and cons of staying here longer than next year… it’s a good time to buy our forever home and get what we want an not settle… we wait, an that may be out of our price, because of the recession…. lived thru to many of these and stayed above water… getting to old to play that game anymore….

Eye surgeon says my vision declined… and I knew it would… no one wanted to hear me for decades about the brain bleed on Japan and subsequent need for glass’s…. now that I have the MRI… no one argues with me about my vision… finally… no clue what is next, except a new perscription, my old one is too strong…. still early in the process an last post op is the end of the month… things could improve….

Other than wanting confirmation about my neck…. see Neuro and Ortho…. What comes next is looking more on what I want and nothing else… Spoiling babies or stay on Hawaii and watch the Aloha drain into the ocean…

This will be a tough decision… finish what I started or go home…. an USPS says I have bills from the Hospital… so mail run late today and see IF I can afford to use my medicare for the other doctors I want to see…

I Remember… Margie….

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