The Dark Side of PTSD….

Suicide is painless…. don’t remember how the rest of the song goes… but is suicide painless???….

I know the pain from depression is not painless… it’s like a hot poker in my brain at this very moment and it is working very hard to take over and rule this moment in time….

How do you keep it at bay??? Run from it??? Ignore it???? Deny it???? and what is It????

When I was little, I knew something was oh so very wrong in my household…. I look back thru time, which is what I have been doing… traveling back thru time and reliving every ugly, hateful, anger and violent filled moment…… not a fun journey from my perspective….. throw in some health issues that could have been prevented, if the doctors had listened…..

An people really wonder why suicide is so painless??????????????

When I told hubby my heart felt feelings…. I could see the fear in his eyes… Yes… I know how to spin a web, into a story that will make your blood run cold, because when I tell It…. I believe it…. he still truly does not know me, can anyone really know another???

I had to reassure him, suicide was not on my plate… but I know that dark desire to end and stop it all…. and my trick with my edetic memory tries to kick in and subvert the matter and deny…………………………… and I have to face it… the moment in time that caused the depression and make choices about how to go forward….

Before… I would have denied myself care and just waited until something happened or I used my medicare…. right now… the ryobi is behind me for me to use…. thou I never made dentures…. I did pay close attention to what the doctor did… that edectic memory has it’s moments…. will I do stupid… no… right now…. it’s sit back, and breath….. I have lived without the denture for a month now… not gaining weight… but not losing either… just not eating what we normally eat and that is impacting me….

I’ll have to make an adjustment to the hook that touches my last molar I have… it’s digging into the tissue and it’s so inflamed… sensodyne tooth paste is being used to numb it, till the pain med kicks in… a couple days not wearing it, let the tissue heal…. hope to tolerate it after surgery, so I can do our shopping… an out of mouth till late this weekend and then smooth that spot down…. so though they did the unprofessional at the dental clinic……

I have to undo the depression they caused and still go in that clinic with a smile on my face…. that’s going to take a few days… so no going back this week and he can wonder why, doubt he will figure it out… most arrogant people never do…..

With PTSD depression…. owning it… not letting it own you is half the battle… reconciling it, is the other half…. I’m 3/4 of the way there and when I know longer have to live here and can be around people who know me and not strangers… maybe then, life will have some meaning… right now… it’s about existing and that has never been a pleasant journey for any human….. let alone veterans…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….