Science labeled me as well as Trumps base??? You really can not fix stupid…

Because I have tachycardia…. science says I have heart disease???

Because I have a stroke on the brain and bleed…. science says I have mental illness???

Because I have an abnormal brain wave or maybe two abnormal waves… I have mental illness???

Because I have physical limitations I have a disability… so says humans???

Wow… holy crap on a cracker type I could have had a V8 moment….

Because science and humans made labels…. I am supposed to wear one… REALLY???

WHY???

I had 2 children and was told not to have kids, though they did not know why I shouldn’t have kids…

I went into the U.S. Air Force and basic training 2 months after I gave birth and had appendectomy and less than 10 years after having a stroke… I passed basic… I served active duty for 5 1/2 years… same physical limitations I live with this very minute and abnormal brain waves… and the tachycardia had been going on for at least 10 years… but I served my country

But because of science and humanity, I must wear a label…

WHY???

I took flying lessons and took off and landed an airplane…. I worked a federal job from 1971 to 1996 and continued a civilian job after that time for a couple of years…

And now I am supposed to wear a label, because the college educated got it wrong and most of all because I don’t believe in god???

WHY???

Because you said so??? Now that is true mental illness…

My label… Human… A human that took what life gave her and ran with it and instead of letting YOU put a label on me and restrict what I can or can not do in life based on your fears…

It looks to me, like I lived mine…. It looks to me, like I owned mine… It looks to me… like I defined my life… by living it…

Not by your labels…. but by my living life… and owning it…

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I remember… Margie who never let anyone tell her who she is…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Waiting for that shoe to drop…

The next diary entry takes me into the land of death and birth…. still thinking how to approach that entry or outline… it’s dark and ugly…

Mood, the Levothyroxine is officially out of my body and I feel good… compared to 27 years of hell… this is good… instead of doing the irrational… doing the common sense… not getting much sleep, but we are getting lots of rain and that means lots of stuff blooming and congestion at night… it too will pass, maybe…

Hard to believe one tiny man-made drug could destroy so much, but it did and from my point of view, it took 27 years of my life with it… depression, paranoia, top that off with how it impacted my already damaged body… yep 27 years of living hell…

Other than fatigue, which goes hand in hand with my two neuropathy determinations… I can live with the fatigue, but not the thyroid drug…

Weight gain, was about 10 pounds and that was with a healthy dose of valentines candy… which is gone… so back to our healthy diet, if it’s not cooked we have fruit…

PT is on track and my body tells me it is gaining in strength… now to build endurance…

Mentally, very good… I can tell when the area of my brain-damaged by stroke wants to do depression, it’s recognizable and controllable… and it’s all physical, not emotional… like the thyroid drug made it…

We installed security cameras and now if I want to get even with a banger… just take the video off the camera, which has sound and plaster it on the internet… it may or may not impact their lives some day… better than wasting the cops time trying to bust these dumb ass’s who are breaking the laws for disturbing the peace… thus why the move is important…

We now have a saying when I ask this question??? Why are we moving….

  1. Privacy, so more land, around 20 acres or so…
  2. Peace and quiet, thus the land….
  3. Bigger house….
  4. View….

That is the reason we are moving… as to when that will happen…

When I am ready… I am getting there….

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I Remember… Margie… who knows as many secrets as priests do, her secrets involve rape too…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Working the nightmares…

It’s reasonably obvious to me, I avoid what I don’t like and my PTSD nightmares are no different…

Last night was a doozy!!! and I mean it was good… it still playing in my head hours later…

Did I understand it… no… It may just be a nightmare and it may be a memory… It will take time for it to go one way or the other…

I figured if I made myself do the diary as close to the time-table as I could get, maybe it would jar some memories… if last night is an indicator… maybe I will get something out of this new…

So between the physical exercise… maybe this mental exercise of the diary entry will do me a little good…

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I Remember… Margie… who always asked questions…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 12 years old…

Dear diary, I remember this was when I got to start babysitting….

I tried my hand one time at making cookies in moms kitchen, too much salt…

I remember after the boob incident things quieted down and excitement was building…

I spent a week with a family in Florida and was raped… he was a SSgt in the Air Force…

Mom and dad came to get me, I never spoke of the rape….

Dad leaves for Vietnam, mom sells our trailer and we move to Bonita… mom’s boyfriend lives in the area… Auntie knew… everyone knew…

I was molested again… Sister was not nice, in fact we had no relationship….

Mom has a breakdown, more like a panic attack and makes it out to be more serious than it was… she was pregnant and dad was in Vietnam…

I spent my time between the house and the farm… always welcomed around aunt Neece…

Dad was brought back from Vietnam…. and we were moved to Big Springs, Texas…

We lived in a craftsman style home with a big cement porch, wood floors that always gave splinters… kitchen off to the right, living room on the left…. I won a dozen roses for mothers day, off the radio station…

Mom getting big and fat from her lovers baby… dad knew… but he loved her… but he knew…

Dear diary… by this time I had been baptised twice, thinking I must be an awful child for being raped a couple of times and all the beating mommy dished out and dad’s contributions…

My last memory before I died… mom asking me this question… all my siblings around the table eating dinner, she asked why they had to get married and I pipped up and said, “because you got pregnant with me”… and she yelled back… “do you want to get slapped”… my siblings giggling… I knew how to piss of the mommy….

Dear diary what comes next took so much including my light… all because of sex..

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I Remember… Margie… always a quick remark…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 8 years old…

The boob incident has happened and I have started the conflicting path of religion, because I was told I was an evil child… because I told the truth…

I was baptized by the Baptist a most corrupt and vile religion…. 

I was just starting puberty when the beating happened… that picture from the last diary entry… so much pain to the body, so much taken from the brain….

I cried in my pillow at night and prayed to the white mans god….

Another baby born into the house… another human to control….

One memory of christmas… and the mumps… President Kennedy dying… Playing outdoors, anything to keep me outside…

I flunked a grade… so angry over the beating and being abandoned by my daddy… Mommy not wanting him to know what she did this time… another secret that was never a secret… 2 adults beating on children and molding them into mini me’s….

A Halloween, with home-made goodies…

The base up the street and the swimming pool I lived at during the warm months… always escaping the house of horrors…

Memories of playing with other kids, memory of being raped… we are fast approaching the war and its impact on our household…

No good memories diary, not a happy home, but a very typical corrupt christian one…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who is finding peace….

Sgt. USAF DAV

The brain said no, I disagreed…

In 2017, one of our adult grand daughters came to Hawaii to check it out and see if this was a place she wanted to live… she went home 6 weeks later… Island living is not for everyone…

One of the moments in time when she was here that stuck in my brain… She asked me if I could do any of the braiding for hair and I replied no… now if I was a suspicious person, I would have thought, okay grandma, does not want to spend time with me…

4 months later I got my memories back…. and 6 months after that date, I knew I had suffered a stroke when I was a kid… 

Now I knew why doing braids was difficult for me…. It took both hands and it took abstract thinking… not something I am always good with…

Found that out, when the PT person had me do an exercise with my left and right arms… Right, no problem, left, the brain could not conceive quickly what the right had done… a figure 8 movement….

When at PT yesterday, he had me go through stuff that helped my right side of the brain connect more readily with the left side of my body… the side impacted by the stroke on the right side of my brain… a little progress and that is all I can hope for this long after the damage was done…

It is also my understanding, that because I was only 13 years old when the stroke happened and around 14 or 15 when the brain bleed happened… and I was so very active all my life, until the surgeon put me down for 6 straight months last year, is why I was able to go through life, until a road block got put in my way… last years surgery….

Still wrapping my head around the fact mommy is still living and so is sister and they are as silent as the grave…

Fear… what a way to live life… full of fear… I did for a while…

Than I Remembered…. I can do simple braids, but I have to focus on the task… all because of a stroke at 13, a lasting gift from my daddy….

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I Remember… Margie… who loves science….

Sgt. USAF DAV

PT…. working it….

Been at the PT for a month now… and slowly I am making progress….

My balance is terrible and for a person who could walk off the ground on 12 foot tall pylons and not fear falling off, this speaks volumes for what the result was from the stroke that happened a few years after that pylon memory…

It’s ironic, there were all kinds of indications that I had a terrible balance problem… no one put the injuries together to make a full picture…

It looks like I will be doing the whole 12 weeks the VA authorized… it’s obvious that there is some ability for the brain to pick up the connections that impact the left side weakness… it’s just going to take work…

It’s a ghost of a memory I have of rehab and how much I hated it… but it’s a ghost and not a memory I can count on…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… the dare-devil tomboy…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary today I am about 7 yrs old…

A chaotic memory or multiple moments in time…

Mommy had me go out into the cabbage field next to the trailer park and steal a cabbage… loved cabbage with miracle whip between 2 fresh soft pieces of bread…

I lost mommy’s necklace her daddy gave her and I remember dropping it behind the trailer…

I stayed out and played late one night and we got locked in a shed for an hour, funny I wasn’t claustrophobic…

I want to say this was the time the boob incident happened and I ended up with these bruises…

cropped-cropped-maggi6yr11.jpg

The placement of the trailer fits… the school was not in Alabama… and the school photographer was the one who put the head band on me to expose my bruised face…

I wish I had firm memory about this diary, but this memory has me perplexed… the photographer is what surprises me about the memory… I hate those type of head bands to this day, it makes my skull hurt… now I know why…

I never saw a picture with my two front teeth missing… Only pictures I found, showed trauma…

Dear diary why was I hated by mommy so much… 

Dear diary those big sad gray-green eyes… have never changed…

what did my mommy do???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who hates head bands….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Diary… pushing the limits…

I am trying to force myself to go where no man has gone before…echo…..echo……

Anyhow… It’s an easy pattern to fall back into and ignore the PTSD and put my interest and thoughts in another direction… Done it my whole life… self-preservation…

Not sure this idea will pan out, but I will continue to write in the diary outline, is what Mike calls it… I don’t remember any of my high school english class… 

So we will see where it takes me… My idea is to try to put the memories down like I have done the last 2 and see if I can keep them chronological and put down only those memories that play a part in the PTSD…

How do I know they play a part… all the memories are connected to some kind of violence…

The Neurologist thought I could remember the memories that I am missing… and I think he knew what he was talking about… I can see ghosts of memories, but I can not connect them together and I have to make sure that it’s a real memory and not a story from anyone in the family and not one I made up to survive….

I will only go up to about age 19… so far I am up to age 6…. we’ll see what today brings… it may bring nothing… or I may remember everything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and those dimples….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am 6 years old…

Mommy was already pregnant with my first full brother is my memory from this moment in time…

My birthday came about and mommy took sister and I to a children’s TV show taping….

Sister by now was a couple of feet taller than me, almost as tall as mommy…

Sister and I are sitting in the bleachers and the host comes over to ask some questions…

Well sister wanted nothing to do with that big old microphone in her face and she pushed against me as close as she could get, so I answered the mans questions… 

I don’t know what he asked, or what I said… I just know that after we got home…

That old fashion solid wood yard stick became the new weapon of choice and mommy did all she could to break it on my little body… just like she did the hair brush…

WHY

Covered in bruises from my ankles to my forehead… she taught me what christians thought about the truth… It was a lesson, I would not soon forget… all because mommy was embarrassed by her younger daughter who grew faster than she should have… and I simply told the truth…

Dear diary, I prayed to mommy’s god and all I got was blunt force trauma fractures through out my whole body and my little finger 58 years later is still as crooked as it is in this picture…

Dear diary… mommy lied to me about god….

Excerpt from Margies diary…

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I Remember… Margie… who was taught to be honest by christians standards, like Trump….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 4 years old…

Dear diary, this memory has many moments in time… we are in a little tiny trailer and I think daddy is away hunting…

I remember playing with sister and getting stung by many bees… and I remember a man in another trailer that liked teasing me…

I remember one night sleeping I wake up screaming and see a figure that is not familiar to me… mommy quiets me down and I hear muffled voices… I would see that figure again 7 years later…

I remember daddy coming back from hunting and he had been injured…

I remember I learned to dislike strawberry ice cream and men with red hair…

Excerpt from Margies diary…

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I Remember… Margie.. who once believed in ghosts…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary today I am 1…

 

Dear diary, today I am 1-year-old and learning to walk….

margie (4)

One day, I was inside and I stood up and started walking… I placed my hands on an object that reflected back my image and I giggled at seeing my reflection…

It was a TV…. and all of a sudden I felt something hit me from behind… not having much fat on my little body, the blow left its mark on my backside… and it left a mark on my soul….

I remember hearing screaming over the object that was used to hit me and I noticed a hair brush laying on the floor near me…

Even though I was screaming in pain from the blow of that old fashion hair brush….

Freda was more upset over the hair brush she broke on my backside….

I had just become self-aware…. and this was my first memory of violence…

I wonder what the next memory will be and when???

Excerpt from Margies Diary….

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I Remember… Margie… with piercing eyes…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression never left the house…

Sitting and playing one of my games, where I can let my brain wonder if it want’s and I am thinking about the depression and the fact that it never left, I just live with varying degrees of it…

My playing my game, tells me where I am at right now… I’m good, not down, not feeling low, not preoccupied, and I am playing my game, which is an activity I haven’t done much of lately…

I get that the stroke and the subsequent beatings took more than I know right now… and not knowing that information, when Freda & Peggy are living makes it hard not to go to the dark place they reside….

The more I acknowledge the depression and its varying degrees that I deal with, it does not win… but I think the more I understand my psychological make up, the better informed decision I can make, If I choose to seek mental health help in trying the hypnosis… The neurologist said there was a chance I could remember everything… I just may need some help…

Will I ever be free of depression, I can not answer that… I am still trying to understand a stroke I knew nothing about, that happened when I was 13 years old… and I remind myself I have only had my memories back 14 months…

It’s not like I can rip the band aid off and see the open wound… my reading of PTSD tells me I have to face it all and can’t skip out on the desert course either…

I have to give myself time to get on board with these dreams and memories… I have seen ghosts of them, just got to open Pandora’s box and let them fly….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to giggle….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression… Hormone related???

I know that depression has been with me for decades, nothing I can do about the childhood stuff… but when I questioned doctors about hormone replacement and thyroid medication, I got a mixed bag of responses…

Every day that goes by, and there is less synthetic drugs in my system, I can feel the change and I can feel the depression relaxing back into a pattern that would go hand in hand with a stroke or TBI’s…

Hormones play a big part in the way you process information and most of all your emotional status… boy did they have a strangle hold on me…

I am beginning to believe that most of my severe depression that I have been dealing with since the hysterectomy, is because no one got it right about what I should have been replacing my hormones with…

When I read about people who had a TBI due to a car accident or a combat injury, we have similarities, but that is about it… Which may be why some people will turn to a religion and others will turn to violence and others like me, work it out and look for that self-reliance we were born with…. except mine got lost along the way, because of religion… I was brainwashed by man-made gods…

Now that the chemical part of the intrusion is over and the loss of knowledge is over… this is all about finding the person I was, before doctors surgically altered me and before my parents killed me and gave me the stroke…

That’s a lot of years to go back and let go of issues and habits that were not conducive to anyone, but those playing god…

Taking my life back, leaves me wanting more and I feel a faint excitement begin to build deep inside me…

March 7th I will have had my memories back for 16 months… and out of all that darkness, that light at the end of the tunnel…

My reward for taking my soul back from christians… 

My opportunity to live my life to its fullest, on my terms and not some made up man-made gods bull shit…

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I Remember… Margie… who never liked lip service….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Some of Hawaii’s Beauty….

From Feb 5, 2019 just before the Kona low hit us… now we have another one hitting us tonight…

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The bee was so intent on its job, it ignored how close I got…

The Nene are an endangered bird here on the islands… they mate for life and they will come back to the same place to nest… car was coming, I tried to get these to move out of the way…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Man made pharmaceuticals and their damage…

Man made pharmaceuticals are no different from man-made gods… both meant to control your life and make you dependent on anything but yourself…. so over men in power… Experienced that until I got my memories back… 

Getting the medical answers the last few months led me to the conclusion that Levothyroxine made my life a living hell for 27 years and no doctors, not even the specialist…. listened and it cost me dearly…

Hormone imbalance in women is nothing new… but I didn’t hit puberty until I was 16 1/2 years old… that is when my menstrual started… 1969….

By 1979, the Air Force took out my ovaries and tubes and there was nothing wrong with the organs and they put me into menopause at 25 years old and my life went from difficult to a walking and living hell of hormone replacement therapy… 

So imagine, your body gets natural hormones from less than 10 years and you are put on synthetic hormones that alter every thing about you… remember when I said I asked the Air Force shrink if you could change your personality… by that time I had been on premarin for 3 years and my psych test said mood disorder…. sigh…. hormones that are natural can make life and egg-shell walk as it is… put man-made hormones in a womans body and you never know what you will get… I know I lived it….

When I quit the premarin back in 04, I could feel the difference and change… but all the doctors insisted I stay on the Levothyroxine and I paid a heavy price from 2004 to now… because I trusted the college educated, licensed doctors in America… wow!!!

Mike says there is a change, he’s learning to pay attention, now that we know that certain conditions may appear down the road… and things have changed and I know, they will continue to change… I knew when the military put me on hormone replacement therapy things were not right and I kept being told I didn’t know what I was talking about….

I think I have a good use for that Writers Block program I just got… take all my medical records an put it in that program and let it sort it all out by date and labs and bull shit… now that is a good idea, so I can show the lack of professionalism all the way back to my military time… that chore will have to wait till my cataract surgery is done… it is taxing trying to focus my vision when just doing the blog, the left eye is bad and it’s real obvious now that it’s a cataract causing that eye problem… the eye doc found no problems with the right eye… just the left and when I close the left eye, I can see real good… it’s just very taxing to do that… so I have a plan for the writing program…

I find it less of a hassle to figure out this software or other stuff… it does amaze me how bad that thyroid drug screwed with me…

It’s like the last few days have been a test of how much more it could do, before it leaves my body… a reminder of how nasty a drug it is… the depression, the conflict… not something I am going to miss… Raising my voice is the other thing I won’t miss…

Man made drugs… had control of my life for the last 27 years… I will never take another drug, unless they can prove its need to keep me alive… My blood pressure has been 100% what it used to be, before the medications… actually a lot is going back to what it used to be, before 1993 came around…

I have learned many lessons on this part of the journey, it will be interesting to see what else I can learn as time goes by…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the mumps….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Levothyroxine poisioning….

https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/levothyroxine-oral-route/side-effects/drg-20072133

If you read this or look at it… The side effects, down all the way to the worse side effects… We counted only 3 that I DID NOT HAVE… out of all the issues with a drug, only 3 of the issues mentioned… I didn’t have… 

I had every one of all the other issues… not for one year, but for 27 years!!!

5 weeks off the drug Thursday… 

My sleep is better, my mood is better, my depression is better, my vision is better, my headaches are better, my appetite is much better, my activity level better, my coordination better, my speech better, my dizziness gone… my double vision gone… my nausea gone… my headaches gone…  my cranky ass, almost gone, that’s 27 years of cranky to get rid of!!!

It just boggles my mind that no one figured it out… and I saw a endocrinologist at the El Paso VA and because I stated the director should be fired, she dismissed me as a patient!!!

Yea for college educated morons!!!!

My research says that anyone who has had TBI’s should be handled differently for thyroid issues… I can just about bet, when I get blood done in May…. that my triglycerides are going to be lower as will my cholesterol… all related to thyroid medication and TBI…

Like my new primary doctor said….”YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BETTER THAN ANYONE”…. Listen to it!!! and I finally did…

I expect things to settle down now that a hormone I should not have been on, is no longer in my blood stream… Man made drugs are like man made gods… meant to destroy life, not make it better…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always on the go, until Texas and dying…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Levels of Depression because of TBI…

At the Arkansas VA, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and when I asked the question… “Why am I depressed”… the doctor could not answer, but he wanted to put me on anti-depressant… and for a while I took them and tossed them after a while….

VA is good about medicating when they don’t want to take the time to do the job… but I also think back to when they changed the way paperwork was done and made it more about a paper trail and not health care… that could explain the down fall of the VA, they forgot they were treating patients and made us all into numbers, statistics…

The VA doc told me this back in 2004 and I didn’t disagree with him, I just asked why was I depressed…

By this time I had quit taking Premarin hormone therapy and I was in my 40’s at that time… quit the Anti depressant, quit the Gerd medication, quit the Anxiety medication… so I was left with cholesterol and thyroid medication…

After our move to Hawaii and the thyroid started reversing itself… I had been off the cholesterol drug for about a year… so I knew it was not the culprit, making my depression worse than it was…

Now the doc in Arkansas was 2004, by this time I had been on Levothyroxine for 12 years… the one drug all the doctors kept telling me not to quit…

Fast forward to this past fall and my crazy writing about all the symptoms I was having… I was over dosing on Levothyroxine and I was not heard, when I kept saying this is a drug I should never be on…

I discontinued that drug 31 days ago… so where am I at with depression…. 

It’s there, just not all-consuming and not interfering with my every waking or sleeping moment… it’s there, but in a different way, not as intrusive, not as aggressive and most of all not as paranoid…

My depression will always be with me, because I suffered a severe traumatic brain injury… it will just never own me again, like it did while I took a man-made drug, Levothyroxine…

Strokes take, they take mobility, they take memories, they take ability, they take your filter… you couple that with all the other brain injuries I had…. 

I am not the one that needs to accommodate anyone… it’s the other way around… Which really does explain why I live the life I live… I got tired of accommodating everyone else…

The brain is clear, the depression is exactly what I expect from my stroke at 13 years old… It’s time for everyone else to take off their blinders if they want to be a part of my life… and that will never change…

I was forced to change at 13, when Don & Freda took my life… my choice taken from me… I’m taking that choice back now…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who once new life without depression before she was 8 years old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The layers of the decades are connected… Noise and PTSD…

A little Moody Blues playing in the background and I have it turned up so I can hear it in all rooms of our little house… When did I start to hate loud noise and when did it become painful… so many layers involved with PTSD… So many nuances to the pain you live with daily… and you start to eliminate the noise and the pain… you put your walls up and you start the process of building your cocoon…. your safe place and you eliminate the noise…

The noise can be people, it can be mechanical it can be overwhelming your world…. the noise can be emotional pain and it can be memories… I do not need to read other people’s pain… I have lived it my whole life and separating the noise and accepting it back into my world will be a process that has no time schedule or plan…

It will be getting up each morning and embracing the nightmares as I rise and wondering what will set me off today and what will I come to accept back into my world…

The world does not slow down or adjust for people with mental illness… no it tries to indoctrinate people to make them like they are… delusional and religious and most of all afraid of life and its reality…

I saw a post on face book today, that did not surprise me, this person made their choices decades ago, when they could not accept the abuse that went on in their own household so many years ago… the post on face book, how new parents decided not to put a gender on a birth certificate and I thought to myself, what is wrong with that… they are giving the life they brought into this world a choice, instead of making that choice for the new life… Instead of telling a child you are born with these body parts, so this is what you are, because that is what we believe… this is humanity at its best… to call these people other than what they are, which is human is bigotry at its best… so I can only imagine that this person is along for the ride as a spectator, because they believe in a white mans god and my story is just that to them…. a story… why???

Because they have become drunk with the white mans god and judge…. and they will wonder why the grandchild they are so proud of with his new bible, turns into an addict or a beater or a liar or a thief… all because they told the child what to believe, instead of allowing the child to learn, by watching, listening and most of all learning about life and not being told what life is, because of their own fears about what they have done in life and will be judge by a god that does not exist…

The noise of other people impact people like me and they do it daily with their post on face book or email or comments on blogs… they want so much for you to hear their noise, while they silence your voice…

Brain injuries happen daily, every minute of every day… we are the lucky ones… those with TBI… we get to see the world with no illusions… yet there will be those given this gift who will turn to white mans gods and the bigotry they dislike with how they are treated will grow… because instead of seeing the world through their brain injury, they will look at the world through religion… the leave their reality and look for a miracle that can never be… because of man-made gods…

The noise around me, the humans I live among, will never see the world the way I do, when they believe in gods…

Only because they are afraid to just believe in themselves and accept the solitude they are afforded… Just being happy to be alive….

Some of us will find companionship and have some help and support along the way… some will only have their family to help them and some, will always be alone…

TBI gives many gifts and it takes much, like it did with my past and memories…. My TBI has taught me what trust truly means… my TBI taught me that life is at its best, when honesty is the most important aspect of my life… my TBI taught me how to face fear and conquer it… my TBI taught me how to live and fight for the life I have… 

My TBI taught me that god does not exist when I died…  that life is precious and we only get one opportunity and to waste it praying to a human that was born and died just like you….

That is how I kept my soul…. knowing that no human born on this planet is a god, nor do they or ever will have a say in my life…

It’s mine… I intend to live it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who faced death and values life, we only get one…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

PTSD and the long walk….

Ever talk to a holocaust survivor??? or have you ever talked to Hiroshima survivor???

I have, both women and both stories very compelling…. and both wore physical and psychological scars from the gas chambers and death camps and the other wore the burn marks of the blast….

I met the lady on Japan, when I lived there… and she told me what it was like to watch her home dissolve into fire and the screams of so many dying at the same time… one half of her body had been burned, the side of her that had been turned towards the blast and she was a long distance from the center… not only will she wear the physical marks all her life, but as she told me her story, the tears flowed gently down her cheeks as she remembered that moment in time…

The lady I met from Europe, told me of watching as men and women and children were rounded up and loaded on trains and upon arriving at the death camps, the men were separated from the women, never to be seen again… many worked to death in the camps, many experimented on and many who died of hunger… just because they call themselves Jewish…

Both groups of people exterminated by a white mans civilization… and all done in the name of christianity and superiority…..

Both of these women exhibited PTSD, they will never get over the trauma and they knew what happened to them…

I have had my memories back for 14 months, But you think I should get over mine??? Bigotry at its best… because I denounce your man made god…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never asked for any of this, she was never given a choice… a white man’s god made the choice for her…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Day over, site made over….

We may have internet, but it is just about as slow as dial-up, okay, maybe an exaggeration… but watching video in messenger of our great grand son, it still had to buffer for a 15 second run… but I can get into sites I need for research and that means I can get into government records… so happy, but brain tired…

I thought I knew so much… Jeez, how things change on the internet… terminology is my downfall, I have to look up the word meaning and that has always been an issue since about 15 years old… doubt it will change now…

Site is looking good, still not sure what to do with the writer’s block program I bought, it’s good practice I guess…but I am learning the word press thing I bought…

Hoping this roller coaster ride of hormones is about done… it’s just as bad as menopause was except no hot flash’s… never dull in this skin…

Time for some down time, put in a movie… neighbors are getting a little loud… oh yea…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… exhaustion was her friend….

Sgt. USAF DAV

How it came to be… the beginning…

Their eyes locked across the room and it was love at first sight… He was tall, handsome with dark wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, dashing in his military uniform… She was petite hour glass figure, her hair auburn in color and heart shape face, dressed for a night out with her friends… 

They started talking, finding that they had much in common… he was from Arkansas and she was from Oklahoma and that was were the romance began… Denver, Colorado…

He came from a back ground of hard work on the farm… Raised by his step dad, who took over when his own father died young… The step father was a hard task master, his mother poorly educated and he wanted more out of life… he wanted a better life, so he joined the Air force…

She came from a broken family… A mother who abandoned her and her siblings at an early age… She bounced around from place to place and it left an indelible mark upon her soul…

The two lovers found comfort in each others arms and before long a child was conceived… March 1954 the two lovers married and started a long life together… A life filled with pain, lies and deceit… A life together that would leave a lasting mark on the children they brought into this world…

This is the story of one of those children… This is the story of Margie… A gifted child born into a family of violence, hate, deceit, lies and right-wing conservative christian religion… This is the story of a little girl destroyed in the name of god… This is the journey to find Margie and give her life so that she may never be forgotten….. This is the journey to find Margie…

Times Up #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Head up ass routine over yet???

I could just as easily remind myself, been off the thyroid medication exactly 30 days and that could be why I am having so much conflict… when the hormone level gets to be just enough off, confusion is a big issue and some people have been known to go into a waking coma type state… not even close to my head up ass, but got to look at all, not just one part….

Depression has been on the table, obviously… motivation, well every time I feel my feet start to curl, I remind myself why I am doing the PT and why I am doing this crap with the past… I am working to get to a what, you got me… I shake my head and listen to the big tonka toy working on the acre across from me… and sigh….

And I do that “I could have had a V8 moment”…. 

I live with PTSD, I will always live with PTSD, it is and always has been a part of me… I can look at my childhood pictures and see the light leave my eyes before I make it to 8 years old… 56 years of PTSD, I don’t think it’s going to go any place… kind of daunting thought, when I have to look at the rest of my life that way…

Stroke, bleed on the brain… I have a physical reason for the PTSD, I can not remove the brain tissue and it can not be fixed… that golden opportunity was back in the 60’s and like all that the folks did… deny me health care was the biggest… and I let go a big gasp of air…. so what do I do???

Like everything else I have done in life… had two kids when I hadn’t planned to have any… serve my country and have an experience of a lifetime working for Protocol at 5th AF… Travel the world and my country… Always looking, always learning… 

I am going to have down days like I am now and I will have up days, where I am planning out my next move… some steps will be forward and some will be backwards… but they will be steps and not me standing in place…

The move is important… but what I thought would have to be foot work, may now be obtainable by internet… now that we have it, sort of… bad weather takes this satellite out too and we get lots of heavy rain…

I think the next few weeks, me trying to get what I need on-line, may take the pressure off moving real soon and it may not… there are always more factors involved with any decision I make… as much as Mike says this is about me… I can not change who I am and it will always be about family, I just may not get what I want out of it… and that is jut the facts of life…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves the quiet of the breeze…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Wishy!!! Washy!!! Make a damn decision already???

I hate indicisive behavior and when it comes from me, it gets on my nerves in many ways….

Mike & I are talking about our current situation and families….and it keeps coming back to one thing… What will change if we move???

So far not a damn thing… our lifestyle will continue as it is… we will be more home bodies than outgoing and socializing… but we are bored and we know that all we have to do, make time and set the money aside and go out and do things… like golf… which should be a comedy in erros when I get on the green…

The PT kid said the same thing Mike said this morning… “You shouldn’t move until you feel good and comfortable about it”… and they are both right… when I put the move on the side lines, because of the medical side of this journey, things actually calmed down internally….

We left Okanogan county in 2002… since that time we have had a few visitors in the different states we lived in… My son came and saw us in Arkansas… Some friends of ours who moved to Arizona came and saw us in New Mexico… and a girlfriend came and saw us on Hawaii…Our oldest was suppose to help us and stayed in our other house in New Mexico for a few months… that was interesting…

I am talking our time since we left Okanogan county, not before, when we always had people in and out…

From 2002 to 2019… We have had visitors in our home 4 times…

We have gone through heart failure, open heart surgery and me, more surgeries than I care to count… we had some, support long distance during these times and mostly that was our daughter…

Yet I am tearing myself up about a move that will have impact on two people… Mike & I…

When the PT therapist asked about the move, that was when it started hitting me… I am unwilling to commit… I am unwilling to take myself out of my safe place and put myself in a situation where I am drawn into other peoples lives and drama… I am struggling to live with my own internal drama, so why would I expose myself to more???

Technology has allowed me to let that wall that protects me stay in place, simply because no one has bothered to give back what I gave out and that tells me… I have lots of spectators and very little real support, except for the man I am married too… which in reality is the way life is…

He does it daily by being here with me, accepting me and most of all not judging me… no one else out there can say that or show that… because… my wall is overflowing with cards of support and my phone is ringing off the hook with words of encouragement… 

Don’t get me wrong I do get suedo support in emojis or comments on face book and If I take the technology out of that picture, I guess it’s the same as getting that paper card you took time to go into the store and purchase… or the minutes you took out of your day to make that call… people are less likely to be involved when mental illness is the cause… even though mine is just PTSD, which has many definitions…

It is a two edge sword on how I look at this, allow it to impact me and most of all, being objective and reminding myself, we all have lives and mine is no more important than anyone elses….

So what do I do… I knew that answer when I started house hunting and could not get excited about it… moving is the wrong thing to do and continuing to think about it, is not helping…

I am not in the military nor do I work a job… I can pick up and move at any time… When it feels right…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… there are times I wish I didn’t…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Over Thinking… Psychology gets it wrong… my perspective…

Over thinking is not a bad thing… Yet when I read psychology, I do not find much good and that is for one reason only…. Psychology has blinders on…

What gets me about the college educated, none of them have ever lived what I lived… None of them had multiple brain injuries from toddler age up to 17 years old… None of them lost time, memory or existence… but…

They think over thinking is a bad thing, because people do not know how to shut the brain down, so you can sleep or be functional in other areas… and that is because of the way we raise our kids… we don’t teach them to think, we tell them how to behave and think and we do a lot of that with religion, which has no thought process, it’s all about manipulation and if that is all you know… over thinking could very well drive you over the edge… maybe…

I look at it from this perspective…. I think all the time, until I climb into bed… Didn’t used too, insomnia and I are old friends… but knowledge is what helped me get to the point, when in bed, its dream land or nightmares and I embrace each night, not fear it… and that is key… Fall in love with your bed again… you loved it as a teenager…

Stephen Hawking was an over thinker, I mean come on, what else was the man to do… he was a prisoner of his body and thinking was his only escape… and so too it is for me… Why??? Well answer this, could you have an intelligent conversation with Hawking on his level??? Could you even grasp his theories or concepts… just a FYI, I have read a couple of his papers and I had to use the dictionary a lot… but… I got it and only because I am willing to over think…

Psychology makes over thinking a bad thing, instead of treating it as an asset… I keep getting asked by health care professionals if I sought mental health help… and my reply, just how much do you think I can convey in thirty minutes and keep that therapist up to speed with my thought process??? FYI mental health wants you to follow their text-book guideline on therapy, got a chuckle out of that write… Not possible for me… and this is why…

At some time I knew I was burying my past, hiding the clues and running in opposite direction, instead of addressing the issues I was living with daily… I knew this by the time I was 18 years old…

By the time 2010 rolled around and I knew I was missing memory, I had to address the elephant in the room… I quit thinking and ignored every clue out there that would have ended this journey decades ago… Fear is a powerful chemical reaction in the brain… It took watching Don Bagwell die in 2006 and the way the family acted for me to over come that fear… all based on a god that is man-made and used for one purpose, manipulate your life…

When I confronted Freda in 2010 about the missing memory, that was when I started over thinking and fighting for answers…. 9 years ago, Freda and Peggy both living and living now and I am the one fighting for my life… keep in mind I am loved, yada, yada, yada… as long as I don’t remember….

By over thinking, I kicked my brain back into gear and started problem solving… I am still doing it today… what I had to over come… the insomnia, the night-time brain drain…. for me, it was as simple as changing my diet, giving up alcohol and cigarettes, eliminating medication and most of all taking 800 mg of magnesium an hour before bed….

It took me about a year to get into a good pattern of sleep, a pattern I stick to today… and my sleepless nights given over to over thinking are gone, haven’t had one, can’t remember when the last all nigh ter happened…

By over thinking, I am able to analyze,  tear apart, explore and most of all, eliminate the fake or misleading information I have in my brain….

Over thinking can take you down the dark path and you could take your own life… teaching the brain to explore why you go there and why it feels so good when you do it, if you are open and honest… you can take that thought process into the light…

I guess what I am trying to convey, there is nothing wrong with over thinking as long as it is in the light… but, you head to the dark side and it can destroy you…. they say they will never understand Ted Bundy… and they get it wrong… the dude was brilliant, but he got off on the chemical reaction in his brain by killing, he made a conscious choice and knew the end game results… but he got off on the chemical in his brain, he was that aware of how the brain works… most over thinkers do… it is always about choice… Ted Bundy went for the dark path, because that is what gave him satisfaction…

I took the lighted path, because that is what gets me excited…. I have written from the beginning… Life is about choice… some over thinkers have no control or say and those are the ones that have true mental illness… People like me who search for truth and all that is good in the world, go the other direction… People like Bundy… they just do it to get their rocks off… nothing mental about that, just a matter of choice…

That is really all life is… choices…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was always thinking…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My anger & My pain, so why are you pissed off at me???

I sighed as I started to write this morning… My boys are pissed off at me and not talking to me and now it seems the same with my step daughter… people not willing to own their behavior…

What happened to this being my journey, are their lives so fucked up or so filled with guilt, that I need to be their target???

And people wonder why I am hesitant to live near or close to anyone I know…

When I started writing this blog and there are a couple of people following that have seen the blog from the beginning and those few know I had to delete my blog, because Peggy threatened me… this was only 2 months after I got my memories back…

Peggy went out of her way to make THIS blog about her, even though she never lived what I lived, no, she participated in the violence, if not directly she did it through her “child of god bull shit”…

Now I know what my kids, all 3 experienced before they left home, even the stupid and illegal stuff they did and I know quite a bit about their adult lives, though they don’t think I know anything…

Yet all of them, Peggy and the kids have tried to make this about them, so riddle me this…

Were you even fucking born when I got my first brain injury???

Than how can any of this story be about anyone else…. But me???

I am so over wearing the scars of all of them and mine are invisible…

Last night was a night of toss and turn as the nightmares of Texas come flooding in… so much of that time period is still veiled in darkness…

Yet my kids and sister… think this story has something to do with them…

Last I checked… the medical records are all in my name… The MRI & MRA were done on me recently and the mental tests evaluations were done on me…

SO HOW THE HELL DID THIS STORY BECOME ABOUT THESE PEOPLE????

I have had so little support from my family and friends, except for words… and words only have value, if they have meaning and frankly I have no faith in the words they use, because actions speak louder than words ever will, I know, it’s cost me in the thousands to be there for others, but I never have gotten that back in any way shape or form…except for empty words…

No one can say I wasn’t there for them when they needed me, or my checkbook…

I have yet to see one of the above people make the attempt to come to my home and support me…

But Mike & I did it for all of them…. gee this sounds like Trump versus the nation…

Rough night makes for a rough start of the day…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated heights, so she took flying lessons… never again… but I did take off and land on my own…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Letting the Fantasy go….

It is a struggle at some moments during my day… Like today, when the PT therapist asked me questions about my journey… they have access to my blog and I get I am somewhat of a curiosity…

He asked if we still planned to move and I had to stop for a moment and gather my thoughts before I spoke… and I said…

“I don’t know if I am ready to move… so much is involved with the PTSD and I know that the PTSD will be with me forever, because we are addressing all things related to my childhood damage now, so many decades later and I have only had my memories back for 14 months, so I can’t answer if we will move from here or not… I did the job thing and I did the mom thing and I tried doing the grandma thing… No one wants to meet me half way… so this fantasy of moving home and having a relationship with people who would rather be spectators and judges, has no appeal to me… I have no true support for what I will live with, the rest of my life and I am just as well off, living among strangers and I am living among people I know”…..

It was a conversation that came out of curiosity, but one that has great impact on me….

I allowed people for decades to put labels on me, because I had no collective thought process or defense, I was walking through life, not living it… I allowed people for decades to make up lies and I did nothing to disprove those lies, but why I should to begin with is still beyond me…

Letting the fantasy go about having my kids and grandkids in and out of my house… I had that once and my check book ended up empty… 

I can be content, regardless of the place I live, if I so choose… my discontent with Hawaii has many factors, but none so awful, that I am willing to pick up and move to an environment that won’t be beneficial to me…

I am in my own way, letting the fantasy go of what I would like the next couple of decades to be… and accepting, that what I have lived these last 17 years since we left Okanogan, will likely continue…

You can not ask of others and they can not ask of me… I have no expectations and the few hopeful dreams I did have, are fading into the sunset…

I do not know what the future will hold, if I felt or had the connections that I am told existed, it would be different, but we all have our own lives and our own agendas, including me…

I have never been good at lip service, found that out when I lived in Mena among the family, it was easier to stay at my house than visit with them… that way I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in the fake world they created…

If Mikes dad was still alive, it would be different… he treated me like his daughter and he is missed…

I can be called mom, grandma and wife all people want… 

But do I feel the part and most of all do I want to live it???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who like all girls dreamed of the Barbie and Ken world that was never real…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Deer in the Headlights… kind of day…

Go into town to do my PT and we decide we will register with the pot store that just opened recently in Hilo…

So I did my PT and get told I am making progress and my body is sore and it agrees…

We go change our AT&T plan, since we got internet and we head over to the pot store…

Well we register and they start talking about all the stuff that goes on with what they grow and what stuff is called and I start giggling and look at the kid and asked… 

“Do you mean Hash???” and he looked stunned that I used the name familiar to me…

So we get taken to the secure area of the store and of course they are sold out, but our goal was to ask questions and get answers…

Finally I had to stop the kids and say, what happened to just using the old words, ya know English??? and we bust out laughing…

Little did I know how much technical stuff was involved with growing pot… but at least we are registered, so we can buy, when we do not have any…

I never thought I would live to see the day, I could legally walk into a store and buy Marijuana… and not get busted…

But it did truly feel like a deer in the headlights kind of moment, when the kids threw all that technical jargon at us…

We left the store, still not fully understanding everything they told us… but I think over time, we will catch on…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never touched pot, until introduced to it in the military…

Sgt. USAF DAV

1:36 mins…

We picked up the elliptical Thursday last week… Mike had it put together that day and we were on it…

At first I could go 30 seconds and my left calf and thigh were screaming in pain and I was gasping for air… you would think to remember to breathe… not me…

The PT lady said this machine was for building endurance, working the neuro area and cardio… and I agree, it does all that… except when I cloud my neuro with some pot…

With our weather being crappy, walking isn’t happening, so we get on the elliptical… Now Mike, right off the bat, he went longer than I could and I had to remind myself about the stroke, yada, yada, yada…

After one week I can do the elliptical for a minute and a half… no elevation or tension… but, the leg didn’t scream at me to quit either… still amazes me I made it through basic training…

For me, the hardest thing, other than my left leg… the heart racing or thumping and the breathing… I remember that as an issue in basic training too….

I am hoping that the device gives me relief in my shoulders… I have carried this weight of deceit of the Bagwell clan so long, it has become a fixture on my body and a painful one… every day I am correcting my posture thousands of times a day, working at breaking the habits I picked up to compensate for the left side weakness, no one ever caught… continuous medical care and not one American doctor caught it… WOW!!!

Hope to make it to 2 mins this weekend… did 1 1/2 mins three times yesterday at different times of the day… I think we made a wise investment, now the day we start hanging stuff on it, is the day I post of picture of it going bye-bye…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved riding her bicycle until Japan happened…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Lies Fester and Perpetuate…

When you tell a lie and it festers and perpetuates into a bigger lie, where did I GO WRONG????

I went off on Mike this morning… It has bugged me for a few days now and I wrote about the lie that was told and how that one lie little will spread around Okanogan county and fester and perpetuate into something it never was…

All because one person told a lie for what ever reason… IT’S STILL A LIE!!!

This tells me, my writing has had no impact on that person and they see lies as a way of life… something I have talked about, screamed about and yelled about…

Lies are not truth!!! Lies are agendas meant to hurt others…or have control…

Mike should have taken the lie and corrected it the minute it left the other persons lips… WHY???

Because the lie is about me… and that tells me volumes about the person who started the lie… they have no respect for me, they have no love for me and that tells me why I have no reason to move to Okanogan County….

I may not always get my facts right… but I have gone out of my way to tell the truth since I started writing this blog… why???

Because my whole LIFE is built on lies told by Freda, Don & Peggy….

I told Mike, he needed to think hard and long about this moment in time… I am financially independent and have no need for anyone in my life, I can support myself and I have relied on myself to get to this point in time…. If honesty and truth has no value to him… Neither do I and that is obvious that I have no value to anyone else, or they would have never started a lie… and if the lie was just told to me, to get under my skin that too speaks volumes of the thought process of the  influence the person looks too…

People of religion will hide behind lies and subterfuge, because to face reality and truth every day takes effort and most of all….

It takes being a good person… and I am so over people lying about my life… They have done it for 64 years….

You want to be a part of my life… own the lies you told and fix the mess you created…

You will find my ass on Hawaii for the next however long I decide to be here…

Truth does matter, but not to those whose agenda has nothing to do with my life… just what they want to get out of this moment in time… 

Mike should have addressed this when it happened and he didn’t, he said, “I didn’t look at it from that perspective”!!!

I have no other choice, why??? 

Because it was a lie about me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never harmed anyone, but so many envy her desire to not stray from the path of honesty…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Befuddled… no kidding…

We have been getting hammered all day with wind and rain… typical winter squall…

We lost internet a couple of times, being satellite, to be expected…

I have spent the last few minutes trying to figure out how I got into the guts of this program… I think I am too tired to do much else today…

But I did get to hop around and things did load better, not faster and it still has a hiccup when the customize feature comes up… not much I can do about that…

I think this weekend, I will be doing some playing… but it is so very nice to have internet again…

Sometimes I really have to quit fighting my old habits and listen to reason… this time I did… 

Shutting down before the thunderstorms hit us… Aloha…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… standing in the eye of the hurricane on Okinawa….

Sgt. USAF DAV

We have internet!!!

Stubbornness is so much a part of PTSD… You will do the stupidest and after you are done, you hit your head and say, “I could have had a V8″….

The cost for internet via the satellite service here, was comparable to the price we were paying AT&T for awful service…..

Needless to say, my own stubborn thought process or lack of desire to change the status quo, cost us about 2 grand in the last 2 years… not a lot… but it will be a thorn in my side, because I know better…

It all goes with the PTSD and the desire to have some control, when in reality, the PTSD is in control…

I have so many bad habits that impact so many different aspects of my life… Anger is one of them, letting go and taking down the walls, is another…

After so much emotional pain, I just don’t seem willing to go any direction that will put me in line for more emotional pain… thus the hiding out on Hawaii… but…

That was why I didn’t go with real internet and used the hot spot… I made it hard not only on myself, but made it even harder for the kids and grandkids to reach out…

Some of the walls are of my own making and that is having a major impact on my choices…

Am I willing to move on and can I and do I want to and will it be worth it???

All questions I have to answer, for no one else but myself…. Plan to play with the website and see what all I can do… spent the afternoon taking care of all the other equipment and updating…  at least now I can upload video of Hawaii and more pictures…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who withdrew into the world of stories….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Reality Bites…

If I have learned nothing else about my life… Reality bites and sometimes that reality can be cruel beyond belief and my first 17 years on this planet were just that… oh yea for reliving that time period…

But the reality of my last 25 years with my husband and his family… Don’t get me wrong, I love my step-daughter… she has taught me more about motherhood than my own two sons… but…. we have a reality issue and unless it is addressed, it will continue to cloud the relationship….

I asked Mike how he felt about not moving… Yes I am not happy with Hawaii, but that may be some of my own making and I have lived in far worse places in our nation… I’m just not in a big hurry to make a move that may have no benefit to me… just that simple, this move has to give me something and right now… there’s nothing, other than buying acreage in the middle of some place, so that I have peace and quiet… I can get that here, it’s just going to take the trees outside my window a couple of years to grow and afford that peace; quiet, not so much, but that just means closing the house up and turning on the AC so outside noise goes bye-bye…

When people make choices thinking that they are protecting me or Mike, that’s when things can go horribly wrong…

I wanted our kids to all have DNA tests… for health reasons because of the amount of cancer and other bizarre illness’ that may lay in waiting…

One child did the test, the other child has no contact with us and the other child has not done the test, even though we paid for it and they have had possession of the test for a few years… now why would you ignore getting this done, when all you got to do is spit in a tube and mail it…

Well my speculation is this… they think one of us is not their biological parent… when I brought this up to hubby, he didn’t seem surprised….

I grew up in a home that is 100% built on manipulation and lies…. when someone tries that game on me as an adult, it sets off every spidey sense I got and it causes problems with trust… and if you have read my blog…

Trust is the first and foremost thing in my life and I don’t give a damn who you are… Husband or child… violate that trust and we do not have a relationship… we have a game of chess and since I don’t play chess… I will walk away from this type of relationship and I will keep the distance great…. why???

Trust…. they choose to play a game and manipulate what they have no right to manipulate… our lives… 

I always offer the opportunity to learn and when someone takes that opportunity to manipulate…

That proverbial wall I have talked about and what Trump wants… but in reality will never get…

I do get… and it’s my wall and it just gets higher…

I have been open and honest, if I can not get the same back… we will continue to associate, but that wall will make it so much harder to be intimate and honest…

I have choices to make and for some reason… that just seems to get pushed further away and I am content to just stay put…

Honesty and trust… I give nothing else in life… when I don’t get it back… I leave the wall exactly where the other person built it… I didn’t build the wall… I told the truth and I was honest…

Others can not say the same… and I have a feeling, my leaving Hawaii may be more than just a few months away, it could be years….

Funny how life works, just because of the choices others made….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who has always been honest…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Nightmares are back…. PTSD you are a pain…

If nothing else, when you get answers you are seeking, it frees the mind up for other fun things… NOT!!!

The nightmares are back and they are in over drive… Sleep is happening, but it is interrupted and when I wake, I am left with hints of what I had a nightmare about… meaning… a memory is coming forward…

Getting all the answers about the medical side of this journey, is what relaxed the mind from fixating on health issues and not the mental side of this… and I knew if it was not medical… it would be mental…

Hubby is fully supportive and he is also getting a lesson in think before you open your mouth…

I will be the first to admit, my thought process does not follow the standard line of thinking, I don’t look at the world in any way, shape or form like you… I never have and I never will…

I faced death and came back thriving… I faced the manipulation and bigotry of Freda and Peggy and that made my stomach very sour… but most bigots do… I faced the issues with the abuse my own sons dished out and they can bite my ass… if they think treating me that way is acceptable…it is not, nor will it ever be…

I faced the decades of discrimination because of my mental illness and the bigotry and hate of the religious sect in our country…. I get more kindness out of strangers than people I know… I faced the lies that so many purported, because it wasn’t about me, it was about their agenda… I faced the doctor who took control of my health care, instead of being a guide… and I face the neurologist who would rather use drugs and psycho therapy than help me deal with this journey…

It is never easy to walk through life and when you have barrier after barrier put before you, you have 2 choices… jump the barrier or get buried by the barrier…

I choose to jump the barrier and not listen to the mental workings of those humans who have not walked this path, lived this path or been a part of this path…

I choose to listen to me, it’s what got me this far in life… made me a successful contributing adult to our nation and economy and most of all….

I took my soul back from the corruption of people like christians… and now my soul is a very happy camper…

Nightmares are back and sleep is okay and the journey continues… I could not be any happier with the way things are going… and that light at the end of the tunnel I talked about early on… is within reach…

I just have to want it….

Internet gets installed today, so this may be my only post for a day or two as I get things brought up to speed and get all secure… our security cameras arrive in a couple of days and no one will be able to come on our property again and take what isn’t theirs… and they might want to be cautious on Makuu street, one camera will be pointed directly at it… and the next banger will get his or her picture plastered all over the internet…

Gee I feel like we are becoming civilized getting internet… Rainy and thunderstorms… so much for El Nino… we have been wet, going on 2 years, with very few days of just sun… keeps the air so clean… and everything growing and thriving… much like me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved climbing trees…

Sgt. USAF DAV

A ghost saved my sons lives….

In Enid, Oklahoma… back in the day when I lived there… I worked at a high-end restaurant as a waitress… at the time I was going through my 3rd divorce and like all my divorces, it cost me… So a 2nd job was needed to pay the bills…

I was lucky, I was living in base housing and my 2 boys were only 5 & 3 yrs old… and I needed a reliable babysitter… and I happen to mention that when talking to the First Sgt. for the base and he recommended his 13-year-old son… and they lived in based housing, so, no need to run the kid home, he could walk… and I rarely got home before 10PM…

One night after a very busy shift… the guys and I sat down to have a night-cap and shoot the breeze, before we all headed to our prospective homes…

I had just taken a sip of my drink and I went cold inside… you know the expression, someone walked over your grave… that kind of spooky feeling…

I jumped up and knocked my chair over, grabbing my keys and purse and ran for my car… It was only a 15 minute drive that time of night….

As the security policeman waved me through, I headed straight for my house… 

The minute I opened the front door the smell of natural gas pushed me back outside….

I threw everything on the ground, ran next door to my supervisor and had him call 911 and I went running in that house, all the time telling myself, DO NOT TOUCH A SWITCH…

I ran for the bedroom and grabbed my sons, one in each arm and ran for the front door, gasping for air….

By this time, my supervisor is standing in the front yard, boxer shorts and all, taking the boys and I yelled I have to get the babysitter out of the house….

I grabbed him and dragged him out the front door, just as the fire department showed up…

I sent the babysitter home after he was checked out and waited for the fire department to tell me why my home was filled with gas… and the explanation to this day sends a chill down my spine…

All of the pilot lights had been blown out, on the 4 burner stove, on the hot water tank and on the gas dryer… 

A couple of days later I found out why this had happened… The babysitter had raped my child and tried to commit suicide and take my sons with him….

How could I have known, down town, not a call or conversation with the kids and I knew my sons were dying…. and the fire department said it was very lucky I followed procedure or I would have blown up part of base housing…

I often wondered about that moment in time that saved my sons lives… was it intuition or something else… I would like to think it was something else…

You see, my grandpa was a veteran and he had been stationed at Vance when it was an Army Air Field during the world war…. my granpa, lived at the base I was stationed at…

My first-born was born a month before my grandpa died… His first great-grandchild… I would like to think, it was his whisper I heard in my ear that night…

Even those of us, who have no faith or beliefs in gods… have hope… I know it was my intuition that saved my sons lives that night…

But, I like to think it was grandpa, watching over his first great grandsons….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. who loved ghost stories…

Sgt USAF DAV

Vision quest, answered….now the Brain…

So far, had the MRI & MRA of the brain and got those answers… Stroke, brain bleed and no other sign of issues…

Saw a neurologist who stuck the needles in my arms and legs and we got the neuropathy answers… Autonomic and peripheral neuropathy…

Wore a device for the heart and got the tachycardia answer…

Saw a Physical therapist and they are helping with strengthening the body because of the old stroke from 13 years of age…

Saw a mental health counselor for a few sessions and frankly, I had my answers and still working on them… 

Got myself a new primary care doctor and we will get along fine…

Today, I saw the optometrist…. and got my vision issues answered… my left eye has a nice size cataract and it needs to be removed…so that is a surgical procedure I will likely have done in the next few months…

Saw a neuro psychologist and found that medication will never be an option for me and he did give me the answers I was looking for…

All the medical side of this journey is done, other than the eye surgery…

Now it’s onto the psychological part of PTSD, repressed memories and the lost time from Texas…

All my physical pain, is associated to domestic violence… from my head to my toes… all domestic violence and all before the age of 18…

The next phase of this journey will be to explore the psychological part of this recovery…

I know from experience that the PTSD will come and go and it will be good and it will be bad… but knowing about the PTSD and why I have it, I have already won half the battle… and some of those memories that I have recovered fully, no longer haunt my dreams….

I have known happiness before and I know it now… I have felt the butter fly effect before, but it’s lost for now…

Having the medical answers and the knowledge of why I have the pain I do… helps greatly with going forward with the psychological pain that I must relive and experience once again…

Some of it will be less intrusive and some of it will fill me with rage and anger and desire to give back what I never asked for… Some of it will be questioning why anyone would think anyone on this planet deserves to be harmed in any way by another living human….

I will not get all the answers I seek… Freda and Peggy are not talking and I have only my memories to go on and Aunt Tiny says she knows nothing… sadly, her nieces already spilled those beans and the family is now truly no longer a part of my life, nor will they ever be a part of my life… they took to much of it already with their envy and hate and most of all secrets…

I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life… the PTSD will always be a part of it, but I will always be the driver… it may sneak in and cause me to feel down and low, but as long as I recognize what is happening… I choose how much it will impact me…

Getting my memories back changed my life permanently… there is no going back and removing the memories that have come forward and there is no stopping the rest of the memories as they too make their way back into my waking mind…

No the journey will have its ups and downs and they will mostly be psychological…

As long as I stay true to the course of reality and honesty… I will come out of that bucket of shit Freda says I fall into repeatedly… smelling like that proverbial rose…

I like Jasmine more…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never gave up hope of finding true love… 25 years in June together… Happy Valentines….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

 

Happy to be able

Sometimes when the brain is not focused on how to deal with pain, nature reminds me to just be happy I can wipe my own ass and think for myself, and not give a rats ass about others opinions…

TimesUp#MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember..Margies…innocence…

Sgt USAF DAV

Gods caught lying….

As a child, I was born innocent and had no knowledge of corruption, sex, greed, Averroism, envy, hate, bigotry or discrimination…

When I became a christian, I learned all of the above… Corruption, Sex, Greed, Averroism, Envy, Hate, Bigotry and most of all Discrimination… because of god…

When I died at 13 years old and saw the face of god…  there is nothing when the heart quits beating… there is no heaven, there is no hell… just darkness… but my brain was alive for that moment in time and it acknowledge god was a head fake to take away from your own existence…

I have never known a day without pain… Ever… the levels of pain vary from mild to I am curled up in a corner waiting for the pain to pass… 64 years on this planet, never known a day without pain…

That pain started at a very young age, because Freda had no ability to be an adult and treat a child like a child… why, because Freda never got pass being abandoned by her own mother and father… so she created a world that she could manipulate and religion was part of that lie…

When I died… I knew the truth about god and it’s man-made religion… It does not exist, nor has it ever… Humans populated this planet for hundreds of thousands of years and never had a god… they worshiped the only god that mattered… Earth… the planet that gives life and takes life… not supernatural… just nature in all its glory…

When man became civilized and lived in organized groups, there needed to be a way to control the mass’…

The Africans created their laws 1200 or more years before christians came on the scene and the christians took those laws of Africa and made up the ten commandments… do you know it took Africa centuries to perfect the laws they came up with… and Moses a murderer took those laws and used them to save his ass because he was a murderer…. honestly does no one read real history and not the fantasy of religion or Harry Potter…

I educated myself over the years and was conflicted with religion for decades and I decided, I needed more education than what was available by those in power… and that was when I found that the pyramids were built long before Moses ever came around and that the Egyptians never employed slaves to build said pyramids… and Noah’s flood, well there were thousands of human settlements around the world and they are well documented… Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by a meteorite shower and there is evidence of that…

I can keep showing facts over religion forever… that will not change the mind of those who worship gods… they want someone or something to make everything the way it was before the car accident or the beating or the jailing or the death of a loved one… they want what the religious call miracles…

Reality is, if you believe in gods, you will always have a handicap in life, not a helping hand…

Want a helping hand in life… start with your own… and if you don’t have a hand or foot of your own…, you do have a brain and that is the greatest gift of life… using the brain you have to see through the lies of religion and count on one thing only…

Yourself… there is no magic bullet to fix physical or mental issues and there is no magic bullet to get humans to get along… but there is a magic bullet to destroy all of that and it is called….

gods…. man made religions…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and both times she was baptised… and her parents still beat her to death and never told her of her injuries… because they are afraid of their god in their head… You really can not fix stupid… unless you want to own your life… stupid to the grave… Ego, what a joke egos are…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Good morning from Hawaii

A little sunshine for those ready for spring… It took 10 mins to upload picture… Tomorrow I get rid of cell phone hot spot an get satellite internet… and more pictures of Hawaii to come…

Margie….

Experiment over….

Saw my new primary doctor today and told them about the thyroid drug and all I got was… “we are here to advise you, not make you take medication”… thought Mike & I both would have fallen over… with all the hype about taking this kind of medication… When I get low on my medication for cholesterol, that’s when we will do blood work… I am flabbergasted….

I was only able to use private health insurance for a 3 or 4 year time period, when Mike and I got married… it’s always been military or VA health care…

I actually feel like I am back in charge of my health care and the professionals are exactly what they are supposed to be, a guide and not a road block…

So happy camper after today’s appointment… Internet gets put in Thursday… that’s when my fun begins… 

The mindset I have been in for so long, is changing… chemical reaction in the brain is altering too… and that is something I have noticed since my memories came back… I try to not be hard on myself when I am irritable and just want to be at home and not around people… so we are going to introduce me to golf… wonder if I will be one of those who is out of clubs, before I am out of balls???

Always pushing, and have been since Nov 7, 2017…. Always hoping for different outcomes and having to bend over and kiss my own ass for thinking that way…

All of this really does make me want to isolate myself… buy property up in Alaska or some place with lots of land… getting my memories back and addressing all the trauma will be so much easier than going home and being around people I know… that is still a ways off, that move is…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated old fashion wringer washer’s…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Christians are in it for sex an greed…

www.facebook.com/6250307292/posts/10158496173557293

Gee how ironic…. And Freda an Peggy believe in these preachers… Makes my story ever so credible….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…an every christian that raped her!!!

Sgt ZuSAF DAV

Brain Restrictions Bye Bye….

Even I surprise myself in my ability to migrate my thought process in such a way, the transition is smooth if not disturbing to the pattern of life I slipped into…

When the Japan beating happened after the Texas beating and stroke… and I started having issues in school with a narcolepsy type situation and I had no one to turn to or ask for help, unless you call the base church help, not from my memory, it was just another cover up place for abuse… sorry I digress…

After that stuff started around the age of 15, It took me about 10 years to teach my brain to go into another place… I taught myself how to bury my memories and act like I was living in the moment… when in reality, I was fighting a battle in my brain to bury the past and forget all I could forget… and it worked… for 5 decades it worked…

When I thought, that all my issues were physical and not mental illness, I was all for it… let it be the body and not the brain… quality of life over quantity… well that didn’t pan out and the brain had to step back an adjust to the reality, as much as I hate it and as much as I don’t want to get there…

I have to address the elephant in the room… PTSD, due to repressed traumatic memories… and the fact that Freda and Peggy are both living and not talking… so I am 100% on my own in this journey… I will NEVER not hate religion and those cowards that hide behind fear… while they beat on a child… sorry, I digress again…

Sleep is not happening… even though I am exercising and being more active… the brain goes into overdrive when I hit the pillow… and the dreams start and this is never fun, because I have to remember the dream, so that I can own it and it not own my nights anymore…

This takes so much effort and it takes a lot from my night-time sleep…The mental health worker said baby steps… that does not work for me, because I know the memory is there…

I just don’t want to face it… I would rather do anything else than think about my past and in some ways I am doing just that… making myself go to another place and give my brain a break from trying to figure out the last of these memories…

I remind myself that I quit the thyroid drug and that is playing a factor in sleep right now… and we have neighbors who have roosters and they are playing a factor at 3AM when they decide we should wake up… and I am just a little stressed over our move that will happen in the next 18 months…

When this morning wake up came from next door, I lay there and thought… I can fixate over this crap, or I can just get up and do my day and not worry about it, just let things happen and quit fighting it… Easier said than done… but hey, I just saw Neuro a couple of weeks ago… It isn’t going to happen over night…

And that is exactly how I am going to approach this… Satellite internet gets installed Thursday… I have WP to learn and Writers Block to learn and lots of stuff I need to fix or update… so let the brain drain begin and that is usually when my brain will let me see more… because I wore it out…

That is one thing about the TBI’s I never got until I was told for sure I had a stroke… how fatigued I got, when learning anything new… didn’t matter the subject, if it was work, regulations or procedures or computer tech… learning new, always meant a more relaxed mind, because it was fatigued… something that started after the Japan beating around 15 years old… funny how I figured out how to compensate for what I didn’t know about… yep our brain, the most powerful muscle we have… to bad people like Trump and christians don’t use it… we would have a quieter, safer world… an my life would be so very different…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to dance…

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI classifications…. laying it out…

Been thinking about this, ever since I saw the neurologist the other day… something he said made such an impression…

You have to keep in mind, no pun intended… that I was never told by any living person on this planet… that I sustained a brain injury…

I went on the premise of the 2010 confrontation in my mother’s kitchen when I told her I was missing memory… she declined to answer… 2011,  a psych eval gave me the PTSD clue…

By now I am having some kick ass nightmares and not much sleep… life was falling apart… by the time we got to Hawaii… something was changing, something chemical in the brain…

By the fall of 2017, my thyroid issue was reversing it’s self… by Jan 2019… I have discontinued the medication… I am one of those very lucky people, who can not tolerate the drug… it is man-made chemical… that just means the fog the drug created in my brain has stopped… 

The neuro says there is no way to know when I sustained my injuries… there is no way for them to date them and since mommy and sister are not talking, we have nothing more to go on than my memory ability… so that is what this is about… the type of TBI and when…

Shaken baby is just ghost of memories and no proof… as for my memories… up until the boob incident… it was more of mild concussions and lots of them… many from the top bunk to the floor and bone scans showed that skull damage… memory of being hit upside the head on multiple occasions or having my head shoved into a wooden dowel that was used in closets for hangers… that covers birth till about 12 years old…

And Big Springs, Texas happens and the memory ability goes to crap and that is what haunts me to this day… that missing time of about 9 months… so we go with severe TBI on this incident… 1967… Stroke… 13 yrs old…

And Japan comes along and that is when I think the bleed on the brain, but the neuro wasn’t to sure, but said maybe, when I described the symptoms… so that would be moderate to severe TBI… 1968… 14 yrs old…

And Okinawa happens and I lost a couple of years and that was a spooky time for me, as I was a young adult… 1971… Mild TBI…

I have had no other blows to my head of any kind… I have the medical records from 1971 to now… to back that up…

What this all means… the neurologist was right… I figured out all of this way ahead of professional help… but I would have never gotten here, if I had not sat down 2 days after the Sutherland Springs, Texas massacre and talked about Big Springs, Texas…

I have a lot to review and get in its proper place and I have lots to explore… and I have no one who can help me, but myself… Freda & Peggy are silent as the grave, while still living above it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never gave up on me…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Internet setup….

Setting up the time for satellite internet… Holy crap on a cracker, never thought I would be excited about the internet…

Setup this week and by weekend, I will be knee deep in sites for research…

Maybe I can learn how to set this site up the way I want…

Lots of brain use, means lots of fatigue an headaches…and just maybe a brain willing to part with some memories…

Hope springs eternal…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…always inquisitive….

Sgt USAF DAV

Brain Games… I am so good at this…

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly… it’s so nice to see you once again…. love that musical… seen it with Lucy, Barbara, Rosalind…. great actress’s… but the gist of that whole story… how to use your brain to get what you most desire… for Dolly, it was the man… for me… It’s more complicated… I have gotten everything I ever set out for and sometimes I got it multiple times… I did get married 6 times before the age of 40….

Last year, when the EEG was done and it came back with abnormal brain waves… I had hope… Hope that my issues were 100% physical and the mental part would just slink away into a distant memory…

When I latched onto that thought process I took it and ran with it… Because I did that, my nightmares backed off, and mentally I could focus on the issues with the thyroid drug, which came to a climax Jan 2019 when I quit taking the medication….

The anticipation of seeing the neurologist so he could tell me it was MS or Dementia, anything else, but psychological… so I went into that appointment with the wrong mindset… I went in to get fixed, what can never be fixed…

It has taken me over a week to come to terms with what the neurologist told me…. and it will take the rest of my life to see it all play out… sometimes the PTSD will win and sometimes it won’t…

I listen to the howling wind outside my window and that is where my brain has been for the last 10 days… howling from one memory point to another, whipping back and forth so much that I have gotten whiplash…

Last night I had nightmares… one thing about my brain, when I want to deny, Margie takes my underwear and does a wedge and pulls it up over my head, because she is telling me to quit being a coward and deal with the memories… and quit shutting down the memories when they come forward…

I know from the last 15 months, since I got my memories back… if I face the ugly behavior of Freda, Don, Peggy and the rest…. I will own it and I will be in control of it…

It will not bring us back together as a family, because we were never a family… we were a group of people who lived together and the master manipulator is still running the show… just her star attraction… me, is no longer participating…

I wrote a while back about how I would be writing about the medical journey… you can’t write about one if there isn’t one… I have lived with the physical damage since I was a child… I turn 65 this year… so I have taken the steps to insure my mobility and agility and that too will improve my brain and its health… this part is easy… it’s the mental part that will take it’s pound of flesh…

I can build my body back to what it was, when younger… I can never take my brain back from what it lived…

The writing will change… it has too, I have no choice… I live with depression and have always lived with depression… now I get what drugs make it worse and I get what not to do to my body to make it worse… but it’s the brain and it does work independently… it’s the voices that will destroy you… which is why suicide is so high among PTSD veterans and I get it, my combat was my parents home… soldiers were in a foreign land… both ugly, both leaving marks, both life taking…

Denial, that is my first task to make my brain address… no more denial and no more letting the denial argument win… I have a goal, a goal that if I work at it, I can achieve to a level of success that I can live with, reality, I don’t have any other choice, If I want to live… and life has always been my choice, death and I are already old friends…

I will be doing my reading on psychology again, researching the new and the old… looking for the relationship with my own circumstances and knowing my case may be a little unique… and always looking at myself for healing and not friends, family or gods to make me whole… no… I have to stand in front of that mirror and look at the living, breathing human who has a brain that likes to screw with me, I just have to stay true to reality and reality is a very cold bed fellow…

I started accepting that reality when I got my memories back, but I went off track, hoping for a physical issue, not a mental issue…

So I have drawn that line in the sand and I am already jumping back and forth over that line… 

The nightmares are back and they were very vivid last night… putting myself back into that time period of cruelty and hate, will be somewhat of a drag… I already plan to get out of bed, smoke that bowl and go back to bed and own that nightmare…

Some will come easy and be put pen to paper… others will take more time, only because… they are so ugly and cruel…

It will never cease to amaze me, but maybe I will become numb to the reality of the cruelty of my own mother, father and sister… all people who profess to know their god and are children of said god… 

What god allows the cruelty and hate and destruction of another human being???

Mental illness at it’s best and religion is its primary name… Religion is what they all hide behind…

Guess that is why it is so easy for me to stand and bear my soul to the world… I quit fearing life, when I dumped the religion… religion is a lie…

Life is reality…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who refuses to shut up and die…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD my lifelong companion….

Ask yourself, would you send a child off into the world, knowing full well they had been brutalized, you gave them multiple severe brain injuries and yet you continued to act like you loved that child for 64 years… are you that good an actor???

Freda & Don Bagwell are and were… Don is dead… Peggy the sister, she didn’t quite have the knack for that kind of drama, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is just mentally disturbed, but most people of religious faith are, only because they bought into stories, instead of looking in the mirror and accepting who they are and what they are…

Perfection does not exist, it never has… it is just a word as is faith… I have watched for 6 decades at what faith and religion does to humans and their lives and I will never understand the need to lean on what you can not touch, feel, smell, hear let alone carry on a conversation with… we all have our crutches… and those I just mentioned are riff with mental illness….

I  had truly hoped that my condition was 100% medical and that would be the end of the journey and I could just get on living what ever life I had to live, impeded only by the physical medical condition… I had hoped… but it was not meant to be and again it was an opportunity I jumped on, because of denial… 

As the neurologist stated when I saw him, my status is permanent… there is no going back… there is no treatment… my condition was not addressed when the incidences happened… the moratorium for making things better, passed in 1967… What a wake up call, a little, but not really…

PTSD has been a part of my life, since the first blow Freda did to my backside at the age of 1-year-old… and the abuse never ended… the physical side continued until I was 17… the psychological side… stopped when I stood in Freda’s kitchen that I help to pay for and told her I was missing memory in 2010… I was 56 years old… and my opportunity to recover from PTSD was long gone after the beating on Japan in 1968… 

I had hoped that my issues were physical, those can be fixed… PTSD left untreated for as long as I have had mine, is permanent… there is no fixing… there is no undoing… there is no ever not thinking, living or breathing the trauma over and over and over… so what do I do, go running for the hills???

In a way I did that, by moving to Hawaii, put my son’s in their proper places and cutting all ties with the Bagwell Cooper clan… for one very good reason… 

So I can heal as much as I can, knowing that PTSD will walk with me the rest of my life and that is a haunting and a daunting feeling…

I have to make choices that are best for me and no longer pandering to the wants and needs of others… I have to make choices, so that my quality of life, the years I have left, living my life instead of watching others manipulate it… I have choices I will have to make and their will be casualties along the way…

It is not I who has to adjust to others, It is not I that will have to make concessions… it is everyone else… 

I have lived with a mental illness my whole life, because 2 christian adults beat the crap out of a kid and left her to die… I have gone out of my way to make the world they lived in better and the only time my phone rang… when they needed something…

I no longer need them… 

This path, the rest of my life will never be easy and it will never be straight forward… It will always be filled with caution and walls, because for decades everyone took advantage of my mental illness…

No more… to be a part of my world, you will have to earn an entrance or stay on the outside looking in…

I will never be free of PTSD and I acknowledge that… but I will be free of those that did all they could to harm me and take advantage of my mental illness… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… Who’s voice is still silenced by those of faith….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Internet I miss you!!!

The last few days have been one major headache with trying to maintain a signal and reception and make the changes Apple did, work for my set up… so over it…

Tomorrow hubby is calling about Hughes net or I think the other one is vasta… regardless… enough… I have work and research to do and this is just not working for me anymore….

So other than waiting on this wind event to hit us and losing power a couple of times… this has been a frustrating weekend to get work done… 

I tried uploading that video of the cliff area down the road from us and the best I could do, link it to my FB page for this blog…

Kind of hard to write, when you would rather be doing anything else, but fight to maintain a signal long enough to type a few lines….

Hopefully tomorrow we will know if we can get satellite internet, we know DISH does not offer it for our area, but Hughes might… have a nice evening… this is one quiet weekend with the pen…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the sunshine…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Hawaii

www.facebook.com/100024148275779/posts/377068016441471

Tried loading another way, hope you enjoy…

Timesup #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember.. Margie…

Sgt USAF DAV

Why I know there is no god…I died…

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2010/12/believe

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201808/why-do-people-believe-in-god

Found this an interesting article about people and the lack of FAITH they have in themselves and buy into liars like Jesus an Trump…

Look at the political leaders of Virginia or White house or Supreme court… All christians and rapists…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie who knew the devil intimately, they are called christians…

Sgt USAF DAV

Writer’s Blocks…

So the thing came for the software, I guess anymore they think everyone has internet… no software, just a license code…. I have a real headache!!! I did not order downloadable software, I ordered a CD with software on it!!! and I do that for good reason… Downloading crap is never good and it is very vulnerable and it is not always possible when you live by cell phone only!!!! UGH!!!!

I did get the tutorials on you tube to play, but it’s like watching a class in high-speed, not going to work for someone like me… I had a major headache within 2 mins of watching one video… 

The software will give me a basic understanding of how WP works, since I can not get into the admin part of my own site, because, yep you got it… cell phone reception… so over trying to get anyone to understand, not everyone has Wifi or real internet… right now I am running off of blue tooth, because the Apple repair screwed up the PC direct connect set up…. 

So I will use the above software and learn it, so by the time we are ready to move and I will have access to real internet, I will be ready to spend the bucks on the software that actually will do all I want, things like communicate between devices and make it easy for me to work from one platform and multiple devices…  I do so miss going into a store and buying software and knowing when I got home, I had an actual piece of merchandise and not a data stream from someone else’s server…. yep, should have spent the bigger money on the other software…

Oh well, live and learn…I’ll let you know what I think of the software, if I ever can play with all of it… looks reasonably basic spread sheet with just a fancy name… never like learning those spreadsheets programs… this will not be as fun as I thought it would be… yep should have spent the extra money for the other program….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to learn, used too… now its see how frustrated I can get…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PT teaching the brain right & left…

I have always had some kind of minor issue with doing certain tasks since I was around 14 or 15 years old…

The PT had me do an exercise with a weight in my hand and I had to do it like a figure “S” movement… 

I did okay for the right side of the exercise… but the left side, the disconnect between the brain and the limb was obvious…

Someone please explain how I walked through the last 50 years of life and not know I had a stroke!!! and I asked… I asked Freda and I told Peggy and both lied!!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!! lots of cuss words, if those two women were any place close to me, they would have to have armed guards!!!!!!! enough rant…

When I talked about basic training and how we had to do the obstacle course to graduate from basic and I had stepped off on my left leg and grabbed the rope with my left arm & hand, I knew something was off, I just never thought in a million years in 1977, that I had a stroke 10 years earlier!!!!

The young lady at PT, mentioned the disconnect between the brain and the limbs… now that I am facing the reality of the fact I did have a stroke and was never told and I have no memory yet of all that went down… and since Peggy & Freda are using their 5th amendment right, much like all criminals do…

This is part of the journey will be educational… I had compartment syndrome in my left leg and when the surgeon released the nerve that was trapped, things got a little better, my left ankle quit giving out on me… If I had to hazard a guess, PT would have been a better choice than surgery… VA did not do its job, before that procedure and really they didn’t, no pre-evaluation or testing… see the surgeon and got scheduled… sigh…that was Nov 2011… damn a lot happens in the month of November!!! Superstitious??? lol

I have been doing the exercises and I have been on the elliptical multiple times… working towards building strength and communication between my brain and body…. parts of me hurt in ways, they shouldn’t and I know it’s the nerves and muscles building the communication it needs to function… boy this is so not fun…

How in the world do you send a kid off in life and not tell them they had a stroke????

Who in their right mind, does not tell a kid, when they get pregnant or go in the military… oh, by the way, at 13 you suffered a stroke and just a FYI your sister strangled you once!!!!

How the hell do you as a person do this to your own child???

Oh,  yea…. You are a christian…. enough said…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who used to be a daredevil… when she could stand on her own two feet before 13 yrs old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Mental Side of this Journey….

When the neurologist offered to do more testing I declined… I took my last mental evaluation in 2011 when I started an appeal through the VA at El Paso… and his diagnosis and evaluation, is what has helped me get to this point in time… again, I never got a phone call, I requested a copy of this evaluation and have it on file, along with thousands of pages of my medical records… the last evaluation gave me this information….

“PTSD associated with my illness and above average intelligence”… and like I said before, we discussed this memory ability, which I always called photographic, because of the way I make memories….

Ya know the medical side of this journey scared me more than the mental side…. why??? Because medical you can usually do something about it with physical therapy or surgery or last on my list, medication unless it was MS or Parkinsons or Dementia… those were very scary, but CTE & Dementia are still possible… 

When it comes to the mental side of this journey, it takes so much more effort and motivation, which is not my strong suit…

Like I told Mike, this writing is the first time I have stuck with anything, other than wearing a military uniform… where you had to follow orders and life was a little more structured… with the writing thing, I have had my ups and downs with motivation, but something inside me, keeps pushing me forward and makes me not want to give up… and that is where the geek inside me is curious as to why that is and what is it that drives me to pursue this action… 

I get that my story is not unique or special… there are lots of people out there who have endured this kind of treatment at the hands of their parents, siblings, family, friends and strangers… some survived… some are more famous as dead children, than they likely would have been if they survived to adulthood… morbid, yes, but reality… Peter boy on Hawaii is a famous child death… the Little girl in Las Cruces, who was tortured to death… both children, never seeing first grade…

I, like many others, survived and most of us go on to lead very quiet lives… for some reason, that doesn’t seem to be my lot in life… for some reason, unknown to me at this point in time… I am supposed to put the story out there and it have some kind of impact… for some reason…

It will be interesting to go back and look at this blog in a few years and see if life played out for those reasons I mentioned above… I find it doubtful, not because of my talent… but because of society…

We still disrespect the military, just like during Vietnam… I had a kid, I never met, who is my children’s age and he attacked me, telling me how I as a veteran should know how important a fence on the border should be… and I did tell him, from experience, owning property on that Mexican border and owning property on the Canadian border… but because I did not agree with him, he knew my patriotism??? So society for all of the rhetoric like this young man, who is a christian…

My story may have no impact or interest to people… because they do not respect knowledge, wisdom or experience… and most of all my story exposes the hypocrisy of religion and those that profess to be religious like the young man who attacked my military service…

They respect only what they think and believe…

So yes, my story may have no impact or impression… because it does not have value based on other humans opinions…

Now I would say, that is the problem in the world today… society has become narcissistic and only what the individual thinks and believes has value…

As a world, we can survive this way, because to many factions going into many directions, means to many targets … as a Nation… it will destroy us… because we are vulnerable to those that would take what isn’t theirs and our divide will be our Achilles heel…

Much like what christians did to me and my children… now that should scare you… but likely it does not… it has to impact you to move you…. 

So maybe my effort is for naught, maybe it will help someone and maybe I will just fade into the sunset…

This is where one time… time will tell….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never liked traditions that were based on religion…

Sgt. USAF DAV

It is New, but so very old….

These aha moments can some times be just a little bit of a gotcha kind of moment….

Lets toss out the issues with the thyroid drug and look at it from this perspective…

By the time we moved to Hawaii, I was feeling anxious, as if something big was about to happen…

I felt pulled tight and I was fighting to come out of the corner and confront the demon of my nightmares…

As this evolves, I may figure out when, where and how I knew how to protect myself as a child so that when the time was right as an adult I could face the demon… 

When I had Mike go through Neurological testing, I knew at that time, If it was not him… it was me… we got his results back in September of 2017…

On Nov 5, 2017 a young Airman murdered 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and I listened to the news for a couple of days and told Mike I had a memory to tell him about… he had heard so many over the decades together, he knew them all, but not this one… this one was about Big Springs, Texas…

I remember sitting slowly into my chair as I began to recount the night Margie died… I remember the scream that left my lips on Nov 7, 2017 as I remembered Margie dying…

That moment in time changed everything… and it still is… but I lost perspective on this quest to get answers to medical questions… and I left casualties along the way… It had been 1967 when Margie died… It was 2017 when Margie woke up… 50 years and she wanted to know what had happened to her….

The doctor tried and we accomplished much from Nov 2017 till now and the medical side of the journey is complete from this perspective… I know why my body is damaged… I know why my central nervous system is damaged… I know why my brain is damaged… that anxious feeling that has walked with me since I went active duty in 1977 and asked questions… I got my last question answered yesterday… and I went into that appointment with the wrong approach… because I was not seeking help, I was seeking answers and I already had them, but now it’s official and in my records…

I had hoped that my issues would be all medical and that the psychological part would be nearly over… instead it is the opposite… the medical side is over and now comes the hardest part of the journey…

Coming to terms with the domestic violence Margie lived through and the betrayal of her first best friend her sister… both women living and both women refusing to tell the truth, because they fear facing the reality of what they did….to Margie…

It’s apparent to me, this writing thing is going to take much longer than I thought… It should be an interesting journey to see, if I can step free of the PTSD and write this story or if life will continue to be one hell of a roller coaster ride…

I thought Hawaii was my last move, holy crap on a cracker was I wrong… Hubby wants to move and I want peace and quiet…

Yep, got a feeling what comes next is going to be very interesting to me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with a flashlight under the covers reading…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Did the PTSD Start….

I got asked that question today, by a person reading the blog… 

If you have read it, you know that raped happened before the age of 13… but did I already have PTSD by that time??? Was it rape that was the trigger for PTSD???

I would have to say no…

I would have to go back to the first moment in time that I have a memory of violence… the “hairbrush breaking on my backside”… one of those old fashion long-handled ones… but back in the 40’s or 50’s those could have been made of wood or metal or plastic… the one that I remember breaking on me, no clue its composition… I just remember being hit about age 1-year-old, because I had my hands on the TV screen and back in 55… TV’s were not cheap and were prized possessions… unlike living breathing children….

The reason I think the PTSD started at that age… is because of the pictures Freda took of me… none of them have me smiling and by age 2… I never smiled for the camera… odd how I can remember my dislike for that device…

As the abuse mounted on a child of such a young age, the personality that was formed, had a silver tongue and knew exactly what to say and when to say it, and it always got under their skin… a child used her mind, the adult christians used their fists, hands, belts, yard sticks anything they could lay hands on, that was their weapon of choice… they taught their other children how to use those tools also…

PTSD is a complex subject that will destroy you if you let it take hold and mess with your mind… everyone who has the mental capacity, can choose what path they take in life, even when living with PTSD… I slipped and skidded on my lid once or twice… but I made choices I could live with and it was more important that I leave no bodies behind, unlike what christians do… so if that makes me a bad person… I am okay with that…

I can remember in my childhood as the brain recovered from repeated injuries and I could tell, that my chemistry was in flux… my puberty stopped in its tracks, because of the beatings and near death… but I knew, even without asking or talking to anyone…I knew… my path would be about choices… 

I could choose the same path as the christians and destroy life, or I could build my life based on values, ethics, morales and respect for life… and accept my mistakes as I grew…

For me, the PTSD has been a part of my life for all of it… and I can not express this enough… I was aware and it all came down to one thing in life that I kept constant… 

My choices and owning them… even if I screwed up… I couldn’t fight the PTSD… I have had to learn to live with it… will it ever not be a part of me…

No… but it will not own me… It is an integral part of who I am… Either you love me, or you hate me… I have no need, want or desire to be anything but that… the days of thinking I needed people in my life have proved to be inaccurate… I worked at it for a long time and got nothing but heartache and a empty checkbook…

No, the PTSD will always be with me and to be a part of my life…You have to accept, I will never change or adjust, to make your or anyone else on this earth happy… 

I choose to make me happy, I deserve it, I earned it… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with the curly hair…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Rough Days Ahead….

Body is sore from the Elliptical… should be fun to get this old body into shape…

Nightmares reared their ugly head… and I keep telling myself I am receptive to seeing the ugly part of Margies journey… but honestly, one little section is screaming, “are you bat shit crazy?”….. a necessary evil to accomplish my goal of full recovery… even if mother and sister are sitting in their little homes with full knowledge of what I need… makes me proud to be related to psycho path christians… NOT!!!

Thanks to Apple’s latest update, they screwed everything up with the internet for my use and probably many others… they made fix’s to that face time crap and in the process they screwed up the VPN and Bluetooth capability, which is what I live by here on Hawaii…

Spent most of my morning trying to pin down the problem with the algorithm and it all goes back to the fix we did yesterday when in town to the Apple software…. so far it seems to be face book that is the most compromised, but I haven’t been able to get notifications to come up on this Word Press either… it took over 24 hours for me to get a notice of a new follower and the likes…. it is already a nightmare doing what I do, now I have to contend with internet vulnerability, because of Apple… AGAIN!!!! so over stupid college educated morons!!!

We are supposed to have high winds and severe weather and will lose power and internet… this will be a long weekend for us, but so will the West Coast, they to will get hammered on the main land… sure there is no global warming…..

Though I do not like big time physical exercise and that is because of the heart beating out of my chest that has bothered me since the near death happened… I am working myself up mentally to get used to the increased cardio and the fact that feeling and hearing my internal workings… is just my lot in life… I will pick up the habit again of ignoring it like I did as a kid… now that I know, this is all normal for me… “You should have just seen the expression on my face”…. normal… what the hell is normal…???

I expect the next week or two to be a learning experience of getting my body used to being active again…Fear had so much control over me and only when I absolutely had no one else to count on, I had to lay those fears aside to accomplish my goals… and this time, I know the truth about my body and I know that until I get there, I do not know my limits… and fear will not be a deciding factor…

One thing I have learned, while waiting for that neurology appointment… I munch when stressed… enough that I gained back 10 pounds… not a big deal, but it’s 10 pounds that will go bye-bye quickly I hope…

Always working towards a better moment in time, so that all the other moments in time are good… as long as I keep pushing and never give into the darkness of defeat… I will be the one coming out of that bucket of shit Freda says I fall into, but I will be smelling like a bouquet…. kind of do already….

Time for that long morning walk… Aloha…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the water… sometimes…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD… Facing it head on…. no turning back…edited…

The one thing the neurologist said today, and yes I am having the conversation over in my head… as much as I don’t like the edetic memory ability, moments in time like today, I am grateful it is there…

The doctor went to this subject after my giving him some information, we hit on lots of topics in that short time and I was very concise, only went off track once… 

PTSD… everything I talked about was PTSD related… the missing memory, the blows to the head…. the frustration of getting to this point and finally being heard…

He did leave it open for me to be put on medication down the road and I declined and I knew as I walked away from that facility…

The medical side of this journey is over… there is nothing more to learn about the medical side of the physical issues from domestic violence…. 

No, the next part of this journey is the path down the dark side…

Ya know, I think that is why I was so enamored with Star Wars when it came out… it allowed me to face the darkness that I had been exposed to, and I still have a difficult time going down that dark path… but I must, I have no other choice…

Facing the Big Springs, Texas near death incident and the loss of so much, because of Freda’s infidelity… put more marks on me that I thought possible…

The doctor today is right… I have lots of work to do on the PTSD part of this and not one foot step is going to be anyplace close to the light…. I was looking forward to another aspect of this journey, but what happened in the doctor’s office, brought to light… the fact I have to face the dark…in our world, both are part of our lives…

I often wondered, when I let myself get lost in Steven King’s work… his mind is brilliant, when it comes to the twisted aspect of humanity… much like what I lived and so many more of us out there… I just happen to survive….but does King really get the imprint of horror that people like me lived and can I convey it by telling Margies story….can I do what King does…maybe he does get it… the dark side…intriguing thought…

The doctor gave me hope, when I told him about Texas… he said, I could remember all of it… the fact that I have no visible death on my brain is why he thought that… he did explain how the stroke impacted the brain and the stain on the brain… reason I went to see him… educated I am not… answers I wanted… today I got them…

PTSD… not a fun ride, but one I have been on since 1960…. I was 6 years old… I will be 65 this year… at one time I would have sighed, dropped my shoulders and got up and got a munch, to calm the fear… not this time… no… this time I am telling myself go to bed and have bad dreams… lets face the demons and put it pen to paper…

Lets write… Margie’s song…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knows what childhood lost is….

Sgt. USAF DAV

The beast…

The new torture chamber… Even in our little house, I made room… Outside, it would rust…

Between this, my walking, my PT…. My great gran kids do not stand a chance….

This should be one painful, interesting and challenging lifestyle change….

Seems like that is all I have done since I went into the military….

Bikini body, maybe… healthy mind and soul…Definitely….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…. who loved hopscotch…

Sgt USAF DAV

Memories just became the new game in town…

The fear of the unknown is no more… though I have to admit, kind of surprised the neuro doc had not seen the MRI & MRA reports… no big deal… but still, you would think things would work better in America’s health care system… and I have found that just isn’t so anymore…

The neurologist can not help me, because I have no interest in medicating my brain… I want to play, not have it sleep… and I want to be the one who decides what chemical reaction I have to my moments in time and not some medication… I want to live it, experience it and feel it… never got the zombie complex and religion is a zombie complex and medications are the other demons… I will pass…

Since I didn’t want medication he mentioned psychology and I passed on that and he agreed… I am way ahead of what any professional would do…

What I found intriguing about the appointment today… when I told the neurologist how everything changed, when I got my memories back… how all the chaos and confusion and paranoia were so much yesterday…. and how I could tell when reactions in my brain were different from before… the doctor took notice and that was when he said… 

“This isn’t about you having mental retardation or impairment…. this is about the missing gaps in your memory from your childhood”… that was his light bulb moment… and he acknowledge that I was way ahead of the game on this journey…

I did tell him, the only reason I was there, get it official… and make sure that I understood all that had transpired in the last 16 months and I understood the ups and downs of the journey yet to come…

Remembering the rest of the nightmare…. He did say that going to a place the brain doesn’t want to is difficult… and I simply stated…

I did that on Nov 7, 2017, after the murders in Sutherland Springs, Texas… Big Springs, Texas is where Margie died and this whole nightmare began…. and that was when the doctor knew… the only one who could help me from here on out…

Me… I have to go into those dark places and put myself in place of a christian, who was hell-bent on having her world her way and she took no prisoners and left many casualties in her wake…

Freda… mommy dearest….

I look at it this way… If I haven’t recovered anymore memories, by the time we move back to Washington state… Well, I know they have the health care professionals that will help me take those final steps if I need them…

Elliptical is all put together, PT is doing its job… the rest is up to me… wish me bad dreams… and no bangers at 3 AM….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was a daredevil….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Telling the Story….

Is Margie’s story unique???  Christians and domestic violence have been partners since the inception of controlling another human being, because you got off on it… no other reason to control something… If you don’t enjoy it, you don’t do it… and with the population of religious we have on this planet… yep, it’s all about controling what isn’t yours to begin with…. another person’s life… Freda and Peggy thought they had control over Margie’s story… I use that term loosely… the thinking part…

Shaken baby syndrome…. blunt force trauma to every inch of her little body, from the time she could track with those large gray eyes… Margie knew and remembered…

The neurologist was encouraging… he acknowledge the knowledge and understanding I have… he listened… all I wanted, put it in writing… make it official… 

Professionally there is nothing left out there for me on this journey… Hypnosis, maybe… if the neuro doc is right, I could remember every thing and I so want to… it’s missing a limb, with my memory gaps…

It is comforting knowing that it is neuropathy and TBI that caused so much angst in my life… and if Freda had spoken, I would have had answers decades ago… how different life would have been… the education I could have pursued… and in a way I did, I just never got a degree or a license… but it was that knowledge and motivation to have answers that made me learn all I could, so doctors could no longer tell me what they wanted me to hear… I wanted truth… I wanted facts…

I now have all that…

It will be a work in progress, progress will be made, it will take time and lots of effort and most of all a drive to complete the task I started, when I told Mike I had a memory to tell him about… all because a young man killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas… because of those deaths…

I will get to tell Margie’s story…. Domestic violence is an old song… sung through the ages…. It will be rewarding, putting all this together into a book so that Margie’s song is never forgotten….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to sing at one time…

Sgt. USAF DAV

50 yrs & guess what I am back….

The neurology appointment was interesting and I had to on a couple of occasions take him off his text-book rant or talk, either way, I had to inform him of having medical records back to 1971 and we knew for a fact, every brain injury was from childhood…

Do you have any clue how tired I am of trying to fill in a new doctor on the back story and to know that I am done doing that is such a relief…

What did I get out of seeing the doctor… he brought up medication, that is his primary treatment course and I declined… and explained why, no drugs…

He offered up psychology counseling and again I stopped him and told him why and he actually agreed with me…

So what did I get out of today… I got someone, who is college educated, has a degree and a license to put it in writing…

TBI from childhood with yada, yada injuries and that is about it….

He did confirm, along with the statistics I already knew, that CTE and Dementia are always going to be a possibility and since I am aware of those issues, I know to seek immediate care if the symptoms present themself to me….

As for everything else with the injuries and bleed on the brain and the multiple injuries…

That high IQ, was probably higher at one time… the edetic memory is there, but injured and my short-term memory issues have abated, though I think with age, we all have little hiccups of memory…

The one question I had, that he did give me hope about…. Remembering everything and that is all up to me and how willing I am to go into those dark places that Freda & Don lived in and Peggy participated in…

I took those steps, when I told Mike on Nov 7, 2017 I had a memory about Big Springs, Texas and as we can say… the rest is history….

It will take me time to digest the full reality of all that I have learned over the last year and the medical knowledge…

I still have anger and that may never leave me… Freda and Peggy are both living and neither are talking… Mother and daughter, co-conspirators to keep secrets that never were… and the ones they never wanted me to remember… were the first presents I opened up… and then I let them lie and seal their fate with their words…

50 years to get answers and now I know that goofy machine in the living room that Mike is putting together is going to add to my quality and quantity of life and I can move forward with the knowledge of who my real family and friends are and who the spectators were…. they made a choice…

So did I… I intend to out live every one of them…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved anything outdoors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neurology done….

Nice to know, I am just as informed as I believed….

Doctor suggested drugs, I declined….

I believe in me, not man made drugs…

I said, I believe I have a say in the rest of my life…not big Pharma….

Timesup #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…Margie… who had fun today…

Sgt USAF DAV

Our Native Tongue….

I am of one race… Human…

I have one tongue… Human…

I have one language… Human…

I have one belief…  Human….

I am not a christian… I am Human…

I am not white… I am Human…

I speak many languages, poorly… but that is to be human…

My native tongue does not know, black, white, brown or yellow….

My native tongue does not know gods, superstitions or beliefs based on words… why?? because I am human…

My native soul does not identify with man, woman, child or animal… it identifies with Human….

The only aspect of my existence that I do not share with another human…

Individuality…. because I refuse to wear a label… other than Human…. My light is what makes me human… All labels, make you fake news…. Bigotry is a choice…

I choose… Human ….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never saw your color, just your light…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD Nightmares… still got them…

I have to admit, the nightmares are not haunting like they used to be… Even though Freda and Peggy are being silent and not coming forward with any information that would help me in my recovery… as long as they know the made up god they worship forgives them, life is good, for them maybe…. shook my head on that insanity… but that was like, taking a listen, to anything Trump rambled on about last night… I kept the TV on Nat Geo and SCI…. the dude is beyond bat shit crazy… he’s like a living Jesus’ who can not tell a lie… damn, nearly spewed my coffee all over my monitor… got to be careful this early in the day….

The cold has finally let go of me and the cough and nasal meds are finally worn off and the brain is finally settling back into its crazy routine of no routine…. but bad dreams I had last night and my body is letting me know, just how good that fancy bed was not last night…

It really makes me wonder do I have suppressed memories I haven’t seen yet??? Kind of hope not… what I have remembered, would make Steven King have nightmares… It really does boggle my mind how christians can commit such awful crimes and still get appointed president and supreme court… something so very wrong with this picture that we call humane behavior… which may explain why I want lots of land, dig a moat, plant a forest and essentially get lost from society… why??? Because they be bat shit crazy… just look at the number of people who believe in religion, based on stories thousands of years old and built on myth and look at Trump and those that believe in him… I wonder if they are all cousins??? They say it runs in families… Insanity that is…

As for the dreams, I couldn’t tell you what went before my eyes last night, it left me in a disturbed mood… but then again, every time I change the channel, Trumps ugly mug is on it… so that could be my issue… Rapist do bug me in that way….

The depression is big time different… now that the thyroid medication is getting out of my body… I can tell when it’s depression because of where the stroke is located and the bleed on the brain, is that why??? no clue… hope the neuro doc can spell it out for me… Things that would upset me, bother me, leave an impression on my brain… nope they just pass through like all information of the day and nothing gets to latch onto any emotions or thoughts… unless I am doing the directing….

So I have to go with the depression the clinical classification that the Arkansas VA said I had, at least I think it was that VA… was way off base… it was medication induced… again, another opportunity lost, when no one sent me to neurology or did the right tests…

I am hoping over the next couple of days, as my body gets to feeling better after this 2nd go at a nasty cold… sleep will be longer and more restful… It seems when that happens, memories come about during my waking time and the night was actually getting into a pattern of sleep, with no memory of what I dreamed, not always… I think that is progress, but the cold threw a wrench into that…

Yesterday, I got to play with this Application and was able to change the site up a little… I didn’t keep that reception long, but it looks like the software I just ordered for writing the book, uses the same block ideas that WP uses… I really do miss having internet… and apple is forever screwing up Itunes so that it will screw with the hotspot, so I have to jump through a lot of crap to make everything work off the cell phone… sometimes it will all communicate together… but it sure wants Wifi for most of the things I need… but I cheat it on occasion and make it think the bluetooth is doing wifi… yep, my setup is a mess, but it works… 

By Friday, I will know what little the neurologist knows and we can see, If I have been right about so much and the doctors have been so wrong… You figure I had a minimum of 3 severe brain injuries and at least a dozen or more mild TBI’s…. I have lived it and walked it since I was a small child… I don’t think you can get a better authority of what it’s like to walk through life, not knowing about TBI and still succeeding at living… doctors can write all the papers they want, they still have no clue, the finite choices I have had to make, with no knowledge of that stroke and brain bleed… school can only teach doctors so much… it’s patient like me, they could really learn from….

Should be an interesting couple of days…. will the doctor know more about my brain or will I…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always curious why christians lie so much…. what are they afraid of???

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI & Hypothyrodism….

https://www.nahypothyroidism.org/traumatic-brain-injury-a-cause-of-hypothyroidism/

I thought I had read this someplace… we are getting weather and reception has been bad and it has played with my signal… so miss internet…

What I find interesting… about 1988, after my return from Japan… while living in Moreno Valley, we were stationed at March AFB… and I went in for my checkup and blood work and they said, gee you got high cholesterol and I can’t tell you if that is when the thyroid stuff started, but I remember the hypoglycemia had started…

According to this article I attached and others that I read… brain injury and considering how many areas of my brain were impacted…. again, I am lucky I can wipe my own ass… just that simple… most fascinating muscle we got… this little grey thing in our skull…

When we moved to Hawaii in 2016… I could tell something was changing, about 2014 give or take a year… the Endo doctor at El Paso VA ran all kinds of tests… and tried me on all kinds of drugs… and she never sent me to neurology… she knew TBI could impact the thyroid… another opportunity lost…

When I could not tolerate any of the other medication she put me on… that is when I started getting beyond frustrated and started exploring ways to get off this drug from hell… Levothyroxine….

So I tried HGH, which is sold in Costco… took it for 1 year straight and I followed the instructions to a “T”…. and my thyroid started reversing itself and the dosage started being lowered…

By the time last fall got here… I was 2 dosages away from being off the drug and I knew… deep down I knew… I should not be on this drug… that the TBI’s had been the cause of the issues and lo and behold I am right and the medical, college educated, licensed professionals… got it wrong and would not listen….

I will tell you straight up… from Aug 2018 to Jan 1st… 2019…. I was living in a total hell and the doctor kept telling me I was wrong… now you get, why I have a new primary… I don’t have the education and I figured it out!!!

The paranoia was off the scale, the irritability was off the scale, the cognitive and articulation issues, are well documented in my writing… every issue I deal with because of the Neuropathy and the TBI’s… were enhanced by a drug, my body did not need…

Not all of it is gone 100%… I am averaging about 4 to 6 hours of sleep, I still get slightly cranky, but nothing like before… my appetite is good and my weight is healthy… my depression is another subject… but much better, than when I was taking the thyroid drug… and anxiety is a thing of the past… all because of one tiny little man-made pill… gee that sounds like religion!!!

What the doctors got wrong and the Endo at El Paso should have caught this… the way they tested my thyroid… I don’t get the T3-4 stuff, Endo is a subject I find confusing, because it involves chemistry and math… not my strong suit…

As for the ringing in my ears… Like I said… I had major surgery in the spring of 96 and within a few weeks of that surgery the tinnitus started… so mine could be a matter of genetics… but I may never know that… as for hearing my blood flow in my ears… that has gone on since Japan and so has being able to feel my heartbeat and other things, that should not be… but, hey, at least the brain functions…. It just does it in stereo sometimes…

I see neuro in a couple of days and see my new primary next week… blood work will get done and we will make sure the proper tests are done for a person with multiple TBI’s… and from my perspective… Thyroid drugs will never cross my lips again…

I don’t miss all the mental issues it caused… I like this clear brain and I like not feeling anxious and I like not wanting to take someone’s head off… though a banger may get a few choice words…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never knew a night of peaceful sleep….

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA Intrusion, finally on my terms…

When I was active duty and had patients of my own… and I worked at St. Mary’s hospital in Enid part-time… It took all I had to be in that environment and I really loved my job…

I just did not know about my stroke at 13 and I did not remember all the domestic violence and I did not remember my recovery from the near death in Big Springs, Texas…

Though I loved working with patients and helping them… I hated being around the environment of health care, because of what happened to me in Big Springs, Texas…. that trauma and never being told by Freda or Don or Auntie or Grandmother and most of lied to by sister and brother…

I am amazed I treated my patients so gently… but I really dislike doctors and nurses…

Now that I have regained most of my memories… I can look back at the last 42 years of conflict with my own health care and the battle to get to this very point in time…

Taking control of my health care and putting the VA in the position it should have always been in… helping with my health care, NOT CONTROLLING IT!!!

I don’t know what dumb ass in congress screwed everything up… you would have to go back and look at who sat on the VA committee over the last 40 years and you will find your culprit… but they had absolutely no clue about health care and they have screwed it up so bad… I hate to say it, but this may just be one thing Trump did get right… start shutting down the VA health care system and giving back control of our health care to us, the patient… because what they have had in place is what got a patient like me and so many others lost in the system and no say over our care…

I put an end to that, when I fired my primary… took full use of the system with the 40 mile rule for VA facilities and I continue to be the one in control of my health care, now…

Since quitting the Levothyroxine drug, after 27 years of not being on the right dose and finally sent into toxic shock issues… I quit the drug… all of the symptoms I was having that scared the hell out of me, could have been related to my stroke and brain bleed… but until the MRI & MRA ruled those out… I could not safely quit the thyroid medication….

It has been over 20 days since I quit the drug… and the following issues are not present any longer…. and they had been going on and escalated to the point of fear and panic…

1… cognitive issues… gone…

2… motor skill issues… gone…

3… headaches that were round robin… from lobe to lobe… gone…

4… kaleidoscope vision in right eye… gone…

5… blurry vision… gone… but I do have to use eye drops and remember to blink more often…

6… dizziness… gone…

7…. indigestion and having to take antacids daily… gone….

8… excessive tachycardia…. gone… just its normal behavior I had before I started thyroid meds 27 years ago…

9… cranky, Mike says it’s still there, but not at the level of when I was on the thyroid drug daily… so that may take a little more time to settle down 100%… he’s only known me for 25 years… and the drug was in my system for 2 years when we married… and I read it takes about a month for the medication to be gone, but not 100% sure on that statistic….

10… I haven’t yelled at a banger as they drive into my home with their loud stereo system in a clunker… but drug or no drug, these dumb ass’s aren’t going to get away with it forever and me not pipe up… that’s just my nature and changing for these dumb assholes will never happen…

All I have tried to do since I went active duty in 77… get answers about my health care and have a say… and not having to use a VA facility that has me answer questions that have nothing to do with my health care and having to put up with federal employees who are either veterans or civilians who have never had contact with veterans… give their personal opinion and put it in my records which again, has nothing to do with my health care and all about their job security and stupid personal opinion…. neither of which I am paying for…

I am paying for HEALTH CARE!!!!!

So taking back control of my health care, knowing exactly why I am getting health care and not made up bull shit that employees or civilian contract doctors put in my medical records…..

Getting a doctor to finally listen in 2017 was 99% of the battle to get my health care taken care of… but the doctor still has issues and did not listen and did not communicate according to the contract… DO NO HARM… and not listening is doing harm….so I fired that doctor… this is my health care, not theirs….

My experiment with the thyroid drug has proven, that I should not be on it… that the neurology part of this thyroid issue was never addressed and though I have no clue if this is rare or normal for people with as many traumatic brain injuries or if just one injury…. but to be good health care providers… you got to listen to the patient and not have the god syndrome in health care… degrees and licenses are only good, if you use your brains and most of all you listen….

My next primary provider will be my sounding board for my health care… not my decider in my health care… as with the PT doctor or the Neurology doctor or the Eye doctors…. I am hiring them to answer my questions and to give me suggestions as to the direction I should take my health care… they are being paid for a service… not to play mommy or daddy and most of not to play a god who makes my life and death choices… this is my life… not theirs….

If I had ever been listended too, I would have gotten my answer in 1978, when all the symptoms went into overdrive from the traumatic brain injuries the Air Force covered up at Webb AFB, Big Springs, Texas… 1967… so Sheppard AFB in 1982 decided my life.. so they could cover up the rapes and attempted murder at Vance AFB… nothing like men in power protecting men in power…. sounds like FOX news…lol

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before the doctors at Webb AFB, made life altering decisions for a 13-year-old in 1967…

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I Wish I Could Remember…

I tell all the professionals I deal with, I learn by repetition, mostly… not 100%… keeping in mind that my brain was injured from a very early age during development….and I actually could recognize my areas of difficulty, some I put in place to protect myself and others, were the manifestation of the brain injuries and those are the ones that really cause me problems right now, well to a point…

Thanks to this little weird brain, I love computers, programming, anything to do with technology… yet, when a new application or program comes out that I want to get into, I find I lose interest and get bored and leave it and when I need it, I regret not pursuing the familiarization of the new software… even though I know, they are all operating in the same parameters and confines of programming, I allow it to confuse and that makes me less motivated to do the work I want to do… and now you see me as the puppy dog, chasing it’s tail… because that is exactly what it is…

When I saw the PT doc, he asked if I did yoga  and I used too, but it or the way I was doing it, did not motivate me to want to continue, and that was, because I saw no results from it… and that made me realize, what I just said about technology, I had allowed it to interrupt my life on numerous occasions… It really does sound like I never get anything done… and that is only true, when it comes to the task of writing this book or books…

I know that the stroke and brain bleed left me with damage, some of that, I may have learned over time to compensate for and most of the issues I acknowledged and have and did address…. the one I left sitting on its own in the time out corner… Motivation…

Motivation to do what I have always wanted… Write and tell Margies story… and it’s time to do just that… So I got on my fancy computer and ordered the software that will help me accomplish the goal I have started…

Telling Margies story… The software will give me the tools that I lack, because of the brain injury… as much as I want to do all this on my own and make it all mine… I need help, and I need help that won’t influence the words I put to paper… this is after all…

Margies Story…. just got a confirmation email about my neurology appointment… this week is going to be very informative… I hope…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to play jacks…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The story is hard to wrap my head around and I lived it…

Other than trying to get the last of the health issues hammered down with diagnosis that fit….

I am essentially walking through life right now, allowing the brain to do as it pleases on its journey to healing…

Yes, memories do pop in on me and I just recognize them for what they are… I do wish I had more control how they happen to wake up in my brain, but, I am just along for the ride at this point, when it comes to those memories…

It’s the book that has me a little stymied…. How to approach the first chapter, how to start the story and keep your interest and most of all, how to explain what my parents did to keep their secrets at my expense…

The criminality of it, is well documented through the ages… it was manipulation, done by 2 people who were poorly educated, but intelligent enough to know, they had to hide their crimes and like so many in the last few centuries… they used religion as their cover… which, with science and facts out there, it just goes to show… religion has been and will always be a tool to control…

How do I convey the planning Freda went through to succeed at her goal???

When Mike met Freda, he had no clue what kind of people I was related too… he met them in 96… Freda is a petite woman, never been one to be obese and always active…. she also lets you think she is the victim in the Bagwell story line and that could not be further from the truth… she was the master manipulator…

It is hard for me to get my brain to go into the dark place that Freda and Peggy live in… it involves hate, malice, greed, fear, envy and most of all self-image… which is a topic that I have no familiarity too…

I could give a rats ass, what anyone thinks of me… that includes my kids… Their opinions have no value to me… it’s jut their opinions… and we are talking about MY LIFE… not theirs… so yep, only opinion that matters to me… is mine and my sounding board hubby… but mostly mine…

So how do I go there and make myself take their place… it’s a lifestyle I never adopted, performed or committed… I literally have to put myself in their place and become them and see how they got so much satisfaction out of the cruelty and hate they inflicted on a child…

This task is the hardest, with all that I have explored since getting my memories back…

It will take a quiet environment and solitude to accomplish it… that won’t happen while we live on Hawaii… yesterday the bangers were in overdrive up and down Makauu and they went late into the night and started early this morning… want problems in a town… allow bangers to take up residence in your town…. drugs, gangs and murder come next… watched it happen in Las Cruces, El Paso and other cities… could not leave their fast enough…

So this conflict with writing, have the right environment and hope that somehow, when I take myself to that dark place that the Bagwells reside in… will be tough… I have hope, with the new pot we grew, it will allow me to escape and shut out the environment I am in and start putting the notes I have been writing and make a book out of it…

If that doesn’t work… it will be after our move and from what happened this week… that is very likely to be next spring… now to figure out where to move too…

I am nervous about going into the dark place my family went… I did it with the rapes I endured and that helped me to put them to some place of less intrusion into my world and life… now I have to do it with the people who killed me and did all they could to silence me…

I know I can do it… I just have to find that niche that works for me and the writing, so that I tell the story from the place of living it… now that will be one hell of a ride, when I go back there and I really hope it’s my last time returning to it… I have lived so much of it all over again, since getting my memories back Nov 7, 2017….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who love mystery theatre on the radio…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Physical therapy, oh boy….

Now that I understand why I was never all that big on physical activity as I was growing up… I feel like a uncordinated gangly teenager all over again…

I did the exercises he gave me and I assure you last night, I had the heating pad in bed and I took an NSAID earlier in the day…

I used to ride horses many years ago and not very good mind you… I usually ended up at least once during the ride on the ground looking at the backside of my ride trotting away with out me… and these exercises make me feel like I have been on a horse… which may be a good thing… my daughter loves them and so does my grand kid and if we buy land with room for horses, it’s something I might get back into, if someone else puts the saddle on, that weight limit after last years surgery will never change and saddles can weigh a few…

I have hope that with the physical exercise and seeing and feeling the progress, helps with my mental status as well… though this damn stuffy nose is pushing me over the edge… midnight before I could breath so I could lay down last night…

I allowed a few new people into my world and some stayed and some left… I played everyone elses social game for so long, it’s kind of wake up call for those that thought they knew me… I will make mistakes in this process and either people will look at me and realize I have an issue and am trying or they will be bigots and judge based on their own mania….

Either way… I am working at it… physical therapy is killing me, but I knew it would be painful and that injury from Japan, lets me know it’s there… as for the brain… I am not dwelling on others actions… nor am I depressed… and I actually got some things done today… always feels good to accomplish your goals…

At least, when our company comes to visit this year, I will be able to do all the hiking and other things they will want and that I am actually looking forward too…

Today has been a day of bangers up and down Makauu street and I didn’t yell at one… wanted too… but that thyroid drug that was driving me insane, feels like it is out of my system… guess I will find that out when I see the new primary in a couple of weeks, she’ll want blood…

I got the biggest kick out of my step daughter… she told Mikes brother that I was keeping her daddy away from her, yada, yada, yada… guess the guy asked about us… and this was her way of telling the thieving asshole to piss off, he wasn’t going to find out anything about our little world or adventure… I can only imagine the gossip, if he spreads that little lie…

Just a FYI… Mike is the first man I ever considered my equal… we have a partnership, not a dictatorship… 

Tomorrow will make 3 days of these exercises…. and elliptical gets here next week…  and I know all of this is going to be so worth it… Mike is even getting on the elliptical, we may both need heating pads, next week….

Enjoy the super bowl… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved building forts…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Psychology part of this, still figuring it out…

I used to walk on egg shells around everyone, including my husband… it was a constant yin or yang situation, because I was not aware I had a stroke as a teenager, suffered seizures and most of all my heart stopped… I died… well the brain went to sleep for 9 months… that is how long the darkness from the stroke lasted… I lost 9 months that are total darkness or are they???

When I quit trying to please everyone else and put myself first… that’s when it started to feel like I was living in harmony with Margie… instead of fighting her and trying to please my sons or daughter or make my grandkids happy… when I quit buying into that bull shit… that’s when things started to really change in the brain…

When I told the PT doctor yesterday that I only had my memories back since Nov 7, 2017… he was shocked how far I had come, with all I had been through… and he was very complimentary about my articulation and knowledge… which surprised me, with my brain full of congestion, head pain and over all miserable feeling… Maggi finally came out to play….

For years Freda told me how I was not smart and that Peggy was the genius, yada, yada, yada… When I took the IQ profile thing on Japan… I found out, not only had Freda lied, but so had the Air Force shrink who diagnosed me with personality disorder… keep in mind, no EEG, no scan of any kind of the brain and I had a mental illness??? I wonder if he went on to cause the deaths of many veterans by suicide??? 

My fascination with psychology is what kept me some what grounded…. what did me under… thinking I just had to have anyone living in my life… the religious and psychology tells you no one walks alone and that is a load of BS… or we wouldn’t have people who desire nature over human contact… that is what is born into them and words of psychology or religion are not going to change what you born to be… as it is for the LGBTQ community…

One thing I have always done, tell the truth… didn’t matter if it was going to cost me a job, a friend or a relative… I told the truth… and the christians and bigots have taken truth and turned it into a sin… and that is one analogy that scares me, but I am tired and still not feeling good, so I give that over to brain fatigue…

When people we have known for decades left our little face book pages, hubby and mine… we both realized how good we were with that… when I told our daughter we were looking seriously at the San Juan Islands or surrounding area for our final home, she was supportive and still wants to be our daughter… because this move is not about her… it’s about us and us being happy with where we live… beside, it’s only a few hours drive for her to come see us…

As for the friends and relatives… When granny died and I watched and listened and saw… I made no effort to keep in touch with the family… that was back in 88… and when they reached out, I didn’t understand why, but I was curious and I did have an obligation to reach out to one per her dad’s request…. never got that one request either… anyhow… I cut the ties…

They are religious and they have no problem concealing the trauma I went through as a child and they have no problem shoving their corrupt religion up my ass and down my throat… I really do hope Trump is the reason religion takes a huge hit in America… so many nations have been destroyed because of religion… it’s their way or death and frankly they hope its your death…

But the psychology of dealing with all the turmoil that I have lived with and the constant barrage of information and memories… really makes me appreciate what I do have…

I have my husband who has stood by me like no other person on this planet… I have a daughter not of my blood and I couldn’t be prouder that she thinks I am a good role model for her…

I don’t ask for much from anyone on this planet… just never lie to me… do not violate my trust and most of all, do not try to buy my affection or any of the above… Earn it….

I reset my Ann Spite Face book page for the blog… and I have taken it out of my personal face book page…

If those few friends on face book on my personal page want to follow the blog or know about what is happening… they will have to hunt for the tbifinding.com site just like everyone else…

The purpose of this… to own it… to be the one in charge of who is really in my world and who is just a spectator…

I allowed the spectator part to go on too long… it’s time I work on me and the real friendships I have had and those that stuck with me through all this and not those that just want me to agree with them….

Now wrapping my head around the fact Freda has kept this secret about my stroke and near death… that is going to take me a little longer than I like… but that is how the brain is addressing this and just maybe, this neurology doctor I see next week, can give me some insight into what, where, how, etc… when it comes to the damage done to my brain, so I can teach myself how to better deal with life and not bail on it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… whose eyes could see right through you…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Anger still resides inside…

PTSD and the motor mouth syndrome is supposedly contributed to what ever is causing our PTSD… When I was diagnosed, the doctor wrote that the PTSD was related to my illness and in a way he was right…

As an adult, the only injuries I sustained that was not surgical by the Air Force or VA…. was the injury I received when I hit the boulder in the river on Japan… the same river 3 adults drowned in… I wrote about saving my youngest son’s life that day… and that is the only blunt force trauma I have that I got since I left home at 18…. 

By the time I got out of the military, they had a list of ideas, only a couple they put in writing… by the time I got back from Japan, the military had put more in writing… by the time Mike and I had been married 4 years, the VA put even more illness’ in writing…. and not one was correct, so I get where the shrink thought it was because of my illness that I had PTSD…

The reality of it is, it always was directly related to my near death and subsequent severe brain injuries that are the culprit for my PTSD… only because, the abuse started at birth and the abuse continued until I was 17… my body never had a chance… and the brain, it went on its own adventure, Margie was just along for the ride…

I am angry because the military let me down and I will never get justice… I am angry because the VA let me down, and the only thing out of that anger, I helped to get a couple of hospital directors fired… might explain why I have so much issue with the VA, doubt if my IG complaints were buried, but that could be the paranoia because I can’t get a breath of air through my nose!!! so over this…

I am angry, because my parents, Don & Freda will never pay for what they did… people will make all kinds of bull shit excuses, Don’s death was anything but decent…. and I kind of hope Freda will be the same…

I am angry because my sister Peggy lied… for decades she lied, because she thought I didn’t remember her part in all this… my heart just thumped rudely in my chest, that was uncomfortable… sigh…

I am angry that the rapist will never be held accountable….

All this anger has to eventually go someplace and I know, in my heart I will resolve it… and I will accept the choices I make concerning it… if nothing else out of all that abuse, I learned… 

It’s my choices that are important and it’s how I accept what was done and the criminality of the people who did the crimes… and just like Trumps victims…

I will never get justice… and I cling to one thing in my mind… I have hope…

Life will do the job for me… just like I hope the Trump family ends up shopping at Wal-mart in pajamas…  dumbest thing I have ever seen in a store, people shopping with their pajamas on… and people wonder how Trump got elected….

Hello….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never sought revenge, but let life do the job…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Physical Therapy….edited

Well…. I got a couple of the things right that I was doing at home on my own… and I got several wrong… I get 12 weeks with this and I am taking full advantage of that 12 weeks…

It is hard to give someone a synopses of all the issues associated with my injuries from domestic violence… but the kid let me tell him and I actually got it all out reasonably concise… the motor mouth syndrome of the PTSD is loosening it’s grips on my brain…

What the mental health lady said was right… some of this is a very slow process and all of it is up to just how much I can take in, digest and disseminate into my waking mind…

Coming out of this fog of 50 years is a triumph in itself… it’s just sad that it took a move to Hawaii and a doctor that took me a year to convince that I had brain injuries and I still do not think she realizes how much not having those memories impacted my over all well-being… which is why I fired her…

Communication is so important on this journey… This is the 2nd physical therapist I have tried on the island… the first one, we only addressed the neck, because I had not gotten my memories back and had no proof of the neuropathy until Feb of last year…

The PT will be a little challenging… I can feel that my mind and body are both tired, but as time goes by and I work out doing the exercises he gave me, I will just build my strength and longevity back to a healthy parameter that is conducive to my better over all well-being…

What I hope out of the next 11 weeks… sleep better, have better mobility and have less issues with the weak side of my body that Freda refused to tell me about…

Remember when I wrote a while back about my oldest child having a grand mall seizure at the folks house and how they ignored my request for an ambulance… and it dawned on me back in 96 when this happened… my parents had been around someone who had lots of seizures… and that patient was likely me after the stroke and severe brain injury in 67 and 68… I still shake my head on that one…

I asked, I asked Freda repeatedly, until we moved here in 2016… What happened to me as a child and to this day she will deny what she did… I really do hope her end of life time is exactly what she deserves and if I know my greedy christian siblings… they will make the woman suffer, and that is beyond sad… I would rather she have dementia and have to relive the past, like I do daily….

So enough of that tirade… I am excited about the PT and I am looking forward to gaining back what was stolen… my past… and a more active lifestyle… may never dance like I did, back in my military time or be able to do the obstacle course…

But… If I can keep up with my great grand kids… I will be one happy camper when we move home next year….

added….

What was interesting, the noticeable difference in my right and left side… How Freda could let me go through 2 pregnancies and basic training and military life and not tell me I had a stroke at 13….The thoughts my mind just went too, are beyond my normal thought process and it just enforces my hate for religion and those humans that hide behind it, so they can commit the worse crimes against a human being… so yep, my thoughts are dark when I think of the Bagwell crime syndicate called christian…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved being outdoors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I can not change your opinion….

Last nights little attack against me, was interesting experience…. for once it did not bug me like it used too….

Growing up in the Bagwell home, meant to be ridiculed, demeaned, anything Freda could come up with and she really is good at it or at least she used to be good at it… now that the truth has come out, it’s just pathetic behavior because she could never get me to change my opinion of her or Don, let alone about her religion….

When kids like my relative, though it is a shirt tail cousin type relation… when they attack me and they do not really know me and by that I mean, we have had physical contact less than 6 times… her mommy is one of my best friends and the kids adopt me as auntie… no clue why….

But when kids attack, it always brings to mind the behavior I lived with my first 18 years and how it would destroy my day, week, even month on occasion, it could go as long as a year back in the day….

What changed… I quit listening…. just that simple… I quit listening to the fear mongering that the kids did, my parents did, the church did and what Trump does daily… I quit listening to the lies… easy, peasy…

When you are angry with your world, because of health issues, like water on the brain, or a stroke like mine or because you want out of a marriage that is taking more than giving… you turn to a religion that you think will solve all your problems… I just got one question….

What has changed since you picked up that religion and the false rhetoric that Trump and FOX news and so many more spout and especially the catholic church from the horse’s mouth… the pope??? What has changed since you gave over your soul to the devil??? I mean come on… what religion can promote hate, murder and theft of property and still survive???

White Man’s Religion… it was designed and made for one sole purpose… control your ass and make the life you already had even more miserable…. because to change, means you have to do something about changing… instead you pray it away and blame the border problems that are not there and the immigration problems that are not there and the economy problems that are fast growing on everyone and everything but your self, but it too will enter your home… 

In other words you want your world to be perfect and it does not matter what the neighbor wants, what the kid in the orphanage wants or what the veteran who is bleeding out on the battle field wants…

As long as YOU get what you want… Now that is what I call the wolf in sheep’s clothing syndrome….

Religion… Satan or evil will always be with us… when you have fake gods and a little thing called religion…. 

You really can not fix stupid and after falling asleep last night I dreamed of that space ship coming back to earth and causing the rapture that the religious believe in and take the stupid bastards off this earth, so the rest of us can live in peace…

Hope springs eternal for that rapture day… any time would be just about perfect…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

I Remember… Margie… who died and saw the true face of god… herself…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I wore a uniform, he wore his birthday suit….

We live in a world of great knowledge and that same world promotes a great amount of fear…

On face book I was attacked by a boy in a mans body… who stated that, I as a veteran should know how badly we need a wall on our border…. yep, that is what the man child said… He went on to say much more…as do most bullies… an this man child says he is a christian…

I told Mike that was typical domestic violence situation… why??? because it was his wife, I was having the conversation with… If she had issue with the truth, she knows she can discuss it with me… but her husband, who obviously dislikes women, who served in the military and have opinions…. thought I should be put in a place, based on text thousands of years old, that allowed every war on this planet, allowed the rape and murder of children and promotes fear over reality….

I left the conversation, without commenting…I simply put a laughing emoji on his comment he used to attack me…..because all I think now about the boy in a mans body… was sympathy for his loss of becoming an educated American man who says the constitution has value for all Americans and not just the ones that agree with him…

I wore that military uniform, so all who call America home get treated equally….

That will never happen when boys in mens bodies think they can tell this veteran she should care more for this nation…

I did that when I put that uniform on and swore an oath to this nation… all the man boy did was attack what he will never be….

A patriot like me….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who will never back down to boys in mens bodies….

Sgt USAF DAV

Fear Mongering…

In the news, a little town we lived in Nogales, Arizona… the biggest bust of fentanyl ever… driving right through the port of entry… and for those who do not understand what a port is… It’s a gate, an archway a legal entry from one country to another… Went through many of those when I lived in Italy and went in to Austria and Germany…. No walls, just a port of entry…

The fear mongering is something I have watched those that are religious in nature or someone who wants power or just for greed and sex… Fear mongering is used… just like money, the tongue is used to scare people into believing what is being said is factual… when the internet, cable and satellite news can prove differently… only the ignorant buy into what Trump is doing and you can have a college degree and still be ignorant… 

I have lived in Nogales, New Mexico, Texas and Washington state… all on the borders…

The only time I get nervous is when we live in Washington state, because the terrorist are walking across the border from Canada into our nation…

When we lived by Juarez, which is El Paso, Texas… the illegals that did come into the country, were women and children… not once in all those years of living down there, was anyone arrested for being a terrorist… but there were lots of drug smuggling, driving through the port of entry and gang members… they were already in America… 

There are many private ranch land owners along the southern border and those ranchers do not want a wall, it won’t stop, what is coming in through the legal port of entries…

You are going to have people down there that want a wall…. there already is one and there are some areas, where the land is private and a wall wouldn’t work because of the terrain…  and you are also impacting wildlife, which is essential to a healthy eco system in all those southern areas…

As I told my niece… I have never lied to you about anything and that is true…

Trump can not say that for one day of his life…

Either you want to believe in truth or you want to believe in fear…

Life is and will always be about choice…

I choose the truth over fear…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who could never remember a lie, because of her brain injury… telling the truth was and is her only option…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My Inner Child….catching critters…

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While doing some paperwork I look up and see this little gecko hanging out on the wall…

Well, I do like critters, but our house has a population of them, there is no way to keep them out of your house and besides, we have no bugs in our house… this little one, likely has eggs in the house someplace and if so, they will figure another way back into the house…

Took me about a minute to catch this little one… it stared back at me and tasted me with its tongue, before I let it go outside the door…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to catch dragon flys…

Sgt. USAF DAV

End of an Era….

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This was the glow from our yard during the lava flow last summer…

USGS has announced that the flow is considered officially over…

This was the video I shot after we delivered some flooring we took up, and gave to one of the survivors of the flow that had to rebuild… that wall of lava you see, was over 100 feet tall….

Hard to imagine living through this again and what a change to our island… Our air is clean, we have no gas emissions at all near us, if there are any left, we have not heard of any at the volcano national park… 

The island is forever changed and the land and homes that were destroyed will be built again some place else on the island….

We plan to do some exploring when our company comes in a few months, and I will post pictures from all over the island… It really is a pretty place to live…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never climbed Mt. Fuji… but we did do a photo shoot there at the base of the mountain…

Sgt. USAF DAV…

Pissy mood, makes for funny moments…

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My pissy mood, starting my day off before 7 AM with lawyers… never makes me a happy camper… dealing with lawyers that is…

Add this cold and the fact I am dumping chemicals in my body so I can breathe and not cough on everyone… yep, my mood just gets better…

So I am still in my pissy mood and I go to the door and ask the big boy if he wants to come inside… the look he gave me, said it all…

Choco…. if you think I am coming in that house, so I can listen to you bitch, not a snow balls chance and he turned away from me and rolled on his back….

I had to bust out laughing, good thing I had the Ipad in my hands for the picture….

We have had the pups since they were 3 weeks old, so little, we had to bottle feed all 6 for 2 weeks, till I could ween them onto licking out of a bowl… we adopted 3 of the litter… our biggest boy died from a rat bite and went into renal failure… they get vaccinated for it, most areas that have this kind of climate have issues with rats and slugs… that carry diseases that are deadly… we lost him 6 months after we moved here…

Sometime I just have to take that deep breath and realize, I have no control over anything that involves our government and I can scream as loud as I want… and all I will get for it, one major stress headache….

I think, today is a good day to indulge in something that is candy for the brain…. and remind myself, it’s up to me, how I want my day to go and not an early morning phone call…

I think Choco may want in about now… they always seem to know our mood….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who always loved animals…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Breathing is over rated!!!

Watching the news about the stupid morons not vaccinating their kids because of bogus reports that have been proved bogus about vaccines and you got the dumb ass’s that walk around Hawaii and think, I am going to look straight at you and cough and you do not stand a snow balls chance in hell avoiding the spittle coming out of the assholes, hole!!!!

Do you know autism has been around for centuries and vaccines have only been around less than a hundred years??? Did you know???

I have had every vaccine out there, except anthrax and I do not know if the military is still giving that shot, but it is one that I would have declined and got out of the military… experiment on us they do and always have and if they tell you that isn’t true… well I got a bridge in the pacific ocean for sale!!!

Get a phone call early this morning, no clue why I turned do not disturb off the cell phone when I got up, just a feeling and the phone rings from my lawyer…

Why we pay these dumb ass morons so much money is beyond me, but do not hire the Gallagher law firm in Texas and stay away from Wagstaff & Cartmell of Missouri!!!

If I had handled cases like they handled mine, I would have never been able to get another federal job… well maybe politician would have been on the menu after screwing up like they did my case!!!

So as I sit here, frustrated, because I can’t breathe, tried to eat breakfast and breathing is not possible, so my mood, attitude and day have gone in the toilet, because of lawyers!!!! I so hate stupid incompetent morons… oh wait… that’s what we have as president and congress!!! my bad!!!!

Yep this day, after I got the fax’s sent off, same ones I sent Aug 30, 2018… and I am looking at a couple more years of legal bullshit, because of GOP religious bigots in Missouri and Texas!!!!!

So between the morons who think vaccines are dangerous and the dumb mother fuckers that cough on you and a legal system that is geared towards the 1%…. my day sucks!!!

Please what ever space ship that came to earth and dumped these stupid dumb ass morons on earth… quit laughing your ass off and come back and get them or nuke the damn planet so it can start fresh…

With our luck, someone will be born or evolve who comes across a cross and bible and we will be back to slaves of the white man and his religion!!!!

Yep, I am in a piss poor mood and it’s not getting any better as I type!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who really hates the state of Texas!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Sunrise, Sunset

Aloha from Hawaii to all who are just a bit cold…

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I Remember… Margie… who loved rainbows at sunset…

Sgt USAF DAV

Yep I do Stupid….

I am uploading a picture and the picture is a reminder to myself to quit doubting myself and accept what I already know and embrace what is coming and most of all….  quit doubting myself…

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Barely had enough signal to upload… okay, these movies are important to this, so a little back story…

I have lived in Europe and I have always watched BBC when I got the chance… so when these tv shows came out on PBS, I started watching them and we saw these in a store, Hastings I think was the name…

So we started looking for the whole set, we think we got them all…. 

Out of all these shows that we bought, only a couple did we watch on PBS before we got hooked, so when we got the whole set, we had one night a week that we would watch a box, which was 3 to 4 shows… so it could take a couple of nights to watch the whole box…

Well we bought all these back in 2010/2011….  before we moved here in 16… we sat down an started to watch from the beginning and we realized, I knew every one of the shows, even though I had only seen most of them once…

Now you get it… my memory ability has always been there, but, when you are dealing with family and they are feeding you lies………..

I think, for all the issues I have with Hawaii… Hawaii turned out to be my life saver…. because it was on Hawaii that I took the time out of my day to tell Mike about a memory from Big Springs, Texas… and yes Sutherland Springs murder would have still happened, but would I have been in the same place to take that deep breath and start talking about a ghost of a memory that was 50 years old…. That was Nov 7, 2017….

That is one thing about this journey I do acknowledge… I was in lots of denial and once I started embracing the truth of the reality of what Margie lived through… That is when I stood up to fear and told Freda on thanksgiving day 2017….

I Remembered…. the doubt will be an issue and it is something I am working on, and the denial, it’s a work in progress and I have made myself not make comments that takes away from what I have achieved and I work diligently not to make excuses for the professionals that failed me… unlike the college educated…

I believe in me and that truly is all that matters…. and the doubt, will melt away, just like the PTSD is doing… it just all takes time… not like I can just get up an go anyplace… Hawaii isn’t all that big…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with eyes that could see through you…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Face Book Games Stopped… how about that…

Back last year and I would have to go back and look at the blog history… I had a few blood cousins that I actually know, remember a couple of them, never met a couple of them… but we are all from the same mold… the Brixey line…

Now I got family, very close family, who like me, served in the military and like me got some special training on computers, programming and most and best of all communications…

When I let my cousins back into my world on face book, I asked, no triggers that would impede my progress on this journey and that meant religious and political, do not ask me why those things set me off, but someone who has maybe a master degree in mental health would know exactly what those triggers would be… and yep, one of my cousins was friends with that person who is so educated…. just a FYI, they are a religious fanatic also, but, so were a couple of the cousins…

Anyhow, paranoia being what it is, when you wake up from a long sleep like mine and of course family doesn’t want the story of incest, rape, murder and all that other abuse to come out, or let alone how much they love mommy dearest to six figures….

Stuff kept popping up in my feed that would set me up for a bad day and this went on for about 6 months…

Ya see, I asked, and gave my reason, if you are friends with Freda or Donna or any of that part of the family, let me know, and we won’t be friends on FB… I mean, most of my stuff was public anyway, except for those things we want kept amongst our selves…

Well one day, for some ridiculous thought in my head, I thought I would check out my cousins friend list… and most of the time I hadn’t been able to see them, but this day, Russia, China, N. Korea, someone was having fun screwing with the FB program and right in my face was the family I wanted no contact with…and it was in the news about Russia messing with the application again, actually still are…

Now I had told Mike when I started seeing stuff in my feed that I knew wasn’t coming from a foreign hack, I knew it was coming directly from one of the people on my friends list and when I got to see who was friends with the cousins… I knew who had been trying to interfere with my progress in recovering my memories…

So I let them hang themselves after seeing the friends list and I cut them loose… and I waited… because what if my suspicion had been wrong… and I waited… and several months later…

The only thing that shows up in my feed is the kind of stuff, I asked people to put out there, though the last month or two, not much has triggered a reaction out of me, I think that is called progress, kind of, maybe sort of…

My point of this little memory to myself… You asked and all you got was subterfuge and lies… and that is exactly what I expect from people who commit crimes, but call them sins so that they can commit the crimes again, but their god will forgive them… Jeez that just went round robin…

There are still some things that will trigger a negative response, usually some one will post about cruelty to animals… thanks, but no thanks, I saw more death that I ever want to see and I support organizations that fight for animal rights… but that doesn’t mean I want to see a trophy hunter or an animal abused by a dumb ass human… been there and lived that and I was the on the receiving end of that abuse, by said animals, called Freda and Don…

What I have always said, Trust is earned, not given and it will always be that way in my life and if someone violates that trust…

It was and always will be their choice and my choice to walk away from said toxic behavior…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who lived through death…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Experiment… pg 9?

Our cell connection is sketchy at best and we have lost power numerous times and it was out for over an hour on Monday….

Thought I better write about this junk so I don’t forget, in case for some weird reason a doctor asks me actual questions…

Blood pressure is excellent…. It will be 2 weeks Friday without thyroid med or high blood pressure medication… Zero confusion, except for this damn head cold… I did cuss the asshole out in Wal-Mart for not covering his mouth, but damn 2 times in one winter… enough already!!!

Weight… my weight is balancing out and being down with a cold impacts my smoking so, it’s a push and pull situation… 

So my question, the only head pain I have had, has been with this cold… since quitting the thyroid medication…

Can one stupid hormone drug, cause so many symptoms and doctors not listen to the patient and make said patient suffer for 27 years???

YEP!!!

I still feel a slight discomfort in my front temporal lobe area, no clue if it’s related to the stroke… as for the ears, the ringing in them are still going on, right now real loud, but my sinus’ both are really full… medication only does so much good when the snot factory is working…

Vision, no double or super blurred, but still once in a while slight blurry and that is when I will put drops in to moisten the eye-ball and the blurry goes away…

I have taken NSAID’s like last night, my left shoulder was not having sleep and I was ready for it… so I took one, doubt anything can be done to reverse the damage left over from the beatings… but I hope PT helps out some… 

I do make sure, when hungry, I eat… and I try not to over eat… lots of water and trying to get sleep…

So the experiment of taking myself off a drug that was making my life hell… point wise…

Doctor’s 0000  Me….at least a dozen or so points…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to laugh…

Sgt. USAF DAV

High functioning memory ability….

Not something I really started putting out there to anyone, until after our visit to Mena in 1996… and Mike says it was probably about 5 or 6 years later, I really started letting people know…

“Lying to me was the dumbest thing you could do”….

I always catch people in lies… and I often wondered why I had that ability… after the trip to see the family in 96… you could say things just kind of fell into place and I have been working on things and memories ever since… It just took the murder of 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas… to trigger the cascade effect of my memories…

Confusion, holy crap has their been confusion and sometimes because of people outside my very small circle, filling my head up with their memories that I was part of, but their slant on that moment in time….

For Instance… I was supposed to stand up for a friend in the Air Force and the night before the wedding, we got beyond drunk… I was miserably sick and I barely made it out of my bed… Well her memory and mine differ and that is only because… I remember it vividly and when she contradicted my memory, I knew there would be no changing her mind on that memory… and I am so glad I did not stand up for her… my ex died in Aug and she became best friends with the new wife and they wanted my personal information for her to file a claim… talk about identity theft 101… needless to say, I didn’t get a christmas card this year… the fake friendship that never was is definitely gone… and for a good reason… You have sex, less than 10 feet from my kids!!! What planet do you live on??? Oh yea, christian…. just wow!!!  That was 36 years ago, the sex part… the death was last summer… 

Do I have a high functioning memory… Well let me ask you this, can you remember being a year old and actual memory that can be verified… I can…and Freda verified it…

Now is that because of the way I make memories or is it because I have a unique ability that tracks everything going on around me… came in handy when someone would lie or gossip about me… not for revenge, it just made it so I stepped away from that association without explaining myself… I wasn’t the one that lied or gossiped…

I only know that a shrink at El Paso thought I could have Edetic memory… and according to research, I fit the profile… but it comes back to, how and when I started making memories and with all the damage to my brain by multiple TBI’s and a couple severe TBI’s…I still hit a brick wall, just like in the movie TRON… where they zip and zoom all over the field, that is the way it feels in my brain, except like today where the cold has taken up residence… but when my brain is not foggy with snot…

I get a jolt out of the blue, just because of something on the news or the science channel or Mike & I are talking or I am playing with the dogs… or just doing chores…

These memories that I am trying to pin down so I can get on with this book…. sure make for some entertaining moments if we are not home when it happens… fortunately I just stop dead in my tracks in the store and start telling Mike what I saw or remembered…. now imagine me driving…. yep my eyes just got real wide with that thought…. you are safe, for now…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who still has some doubts, but is working her way through them… Truth Matters….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Can you miss what you never had???

Two little girls giggling… and the bigger girl, 2 years younger than me… we had fun and it happened… the memory of being stung multiple times… all because the bigger girl said put the blanket under here and the bee nest erupted…

It is strange the memories I do have… the everyday life of that household, some are there, not many…. 

Two little girls curling up next to the mother to have her read a story… the bigger girl getting a hug as we settled into a story that would take me on many adventures…

Two little girls, the one bigger than the smaller and a couple of years younger, but people didn’t know that and the host of the kids TV show came over to interview the bigger girl, not realizing she was only 4 years old… so I talked and said words of truth and when we got home, that yard stick was used to brutally alter the child for the rest of her life… and the bigger girl just smiled… she knew, she just became special and she would carry that mantle of special thought with her through life to this day… all because Freda manipulated and lied…

It is amazing the memories that come forward of two little girls who had been best friends…

Until the bigger girl wanted to be considered special and that life should revolve around her…. 

As the time went by, the two little girls tolerated each other, always playing a game to keep the peace of a fragile existence… as I walked away from that household, the younger sister inserted herself into my place and I did nothing to stop it…

In my mind, if they ask, I will be there… and there was no need for that, because Freda made so sure that after the incident at Mather AFB, when I called the cops on them…

Freda and Peggy wrote me out of the picture, because I stood up and said stop the abuse… it was too important for the secrets that never were, be kept secret…

Two little girls, once very good friends… 

The younger one believes she is a child of god???

The older one lives in reality of what the younger girl did as the younger girl now hides behind the man-made god Trump uses to brainwash a nation…

Yep, two little girls started this world with open minds… one still has one… the other has closed it, because of her sins… always about choice… always…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who watched as Freda stacked the deck of cards that Margie blew down with two words…. I Remember….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Mother & Daughter… still keeping secrets, so they think…edited…

Must be nice to believe in a human that was born on this planet and was made into a god, who murdered babies in the womb by doing Noah’s flood, murdered thousands in Sodom & Gomorrah, because the god disliked how the humans lived, though they lived like humans… or making people wander around a desert for 40 years, when in reality, it takes less than a week to travel said desert…. Most of all, it must be nice to say there is a god who will forgive you for what ever crimes you commit and no one else can judge you, except this imaginary god???? Holy crap on a cracker, you just can not fix stupid…

Maybe it’s a week of having this cold and its final grip on me is letting loose… much like what I went through when I saw the christians in my family behave like barbaric insane morons… and most of all keeping the secrets that were never a secret!!!!

For some bizarre reason my mother Freda & my sister Peggy, think I don’t know the truth… That I never knew the truth… when in fact… those secrets they were trying so hard to keep… I knew all along… and never forgot them…

I just had to wade through the bullshit these two women spouted…. I wonder, do they have any remorse over the barbaric lives they have lived???? Do they realize they are no better than those who purport the muslim, jewish, christian, buddha, hindu and the list just goes on… but their god will forgive them…

Must be nice to close ones eyes and know that the little naked quppy doll that is dancing away in their heads, forgives them…

What about this living breathing and most of all real human will do…

Well since you asked… I intend to expose them for what they are… hope that little naked man or woman they bow down to and worship, makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside…

Do you realize, the thousands of dollars in gifts that I gave Freda, Peggy, David, Richard…

I never say a dime of any kind of anything… I mean, my jewelry box is over flowing with gifts… but not from these people… just like their church, give me, give me, give me and I will spread a few bull shit words around so you can continue to say… give me…

I have one final last gift… but I intend to do that gift in person… for those who think you know what I am going to do next… keep reading the blog… it will not tell you what you want… nor will my public posts on face book…

We will show up on the mainland in our time frame and when I knock on your door…. I have only one hope…

You drop dead at the site of me…. and no, I would do nothing to save you… that’s for your fake god to do… but I will take pictures…. that way, if my brain farts… I will have a lasting memory of the barbarians that beat a child in the name of a god they made up…

Can you tell what kind of night I had… nightmares and a nasty cold, do not mix and seeing their ugly faces in my dreams made for a very cranky morning with my writing… and add cloudy skies and rain… but when I look at what one of the kids posted on WP about their weather… I think just going back to bed and starting over might be a good idea… If I could only breathe… I hate mouth breathing, but hey, it’s air… and my head feels anything but clear…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated hide and seek…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I don’t want to grow up….

My grandkids all think for some weird reason I am the fun grandma… My oldest granddaughter said she goes to sleep at night watching my favorite star trek show…. funny, I go to sleep watching all the fantasy stuff we have… Harry Potter, Merlin, Tin Man…. and rarely get to see more than 5 minutes and I am sound to sleep… which is why the timer is usually set to little time….

In a matter of fact… I never got to be a kid… between Freda’s and Don’s beatings and the other harm inflicted upon me till I was 14, I was in survival mode and being a kid, didn’t happen very often…

I took long journey’s into figuring out the psychological part of this mess, not realizing I had a stroke on the brain… but it does explain my behavior, my change in empathy and most of all, my lack of desire for human contact… not because I wanted isolation…

People make me uncomfortable anymore and I used to worry I would say or do something that would offend them and that would be the end of the relationship… which it was with my sons… they didn’t like what I had to say… I really am a terrible parent…

I wasn’t so much as irresponsible as I was once in a while, crazy enough to take chances and risks… or what I considered high risk behavior… and the ingrained behavior would kick in and I would fold and give in… that all came to a screeching halt after my move to Mena…

But the behavior, the kid inside of me… came out in other ways, through my mouth… 

I offered my sister-in-law Nancy the Harry Potter movies, during something going on at the folks house and both Nancy and Freda, nearly screamed their heads off saying no… I mean talk about my inner kid getting a kick out of that response… I should have snuck them in the house anyway… maybe those kids wouldn’t be so frigid…

I get that the stroke changed me… I knew that, when I underwent the psych exam in the Air Force… and I asked the shrink if you could change your personality… that was 1983… opportunity for the college educated to do the job they were trained and the dude blew it…

I have feelings and emotions… I am just not in the habit of showing them… I did at one time, long before I had kids… and that one moment in time left me marked for life and I never lost it like that again, until a funeral… and that wake up call, brought me back to reality…

Maybe that is why I long for that large amount of land and isolation… I am not big on emotions and I don’t remember ever being big on them, even as a child… no, for me, to show that, is to give a piece of me away…

No one on this planet is worth that costs… and that cost is high in my thinking… but I realize, at some time in life, letting go of the jail I built around myself… I have to let pain come back into my world…. it’s just this time… the pain isn’t mine…

It’s everyone else’s…  Sometimes refusing to grow up, keeps the wounds from healing… sometimes, growing up, just means you are picking up the pieces and living life, not missing out on it…

Will I ever go roller skating again in a big flounce skirt and spend most my time on my back, looking up at the ceiling while the grandkids skate around me…

You never know… that wasn’t all that long ago….

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I Remember… Margie… who wanted to grow up, so she could escape…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Once Upon a Time…

Everyone wants to be wanted, loved, cared for, included… and we all experience the highs and lows of being the last or first picked to play games…

At one time I used to think my world so depended upon others… When I started the ancestry research, looking for where I came from and if by any stroke of luck I was not related to the people who raised me…

I was struck by the number of people who reached out to me, to help them find their DNA family….

On face book I have become friends with 3 of those DNA cousins… and a new one recently joined our group and I failed to follow through with the connection and communication and the person left our group… for what ever reason they had, totally on them for the choice they made…

My point of this confab…. I have so little desire to get out and meet and greet… It really takes all I have to stay in the here and now with the few people I do stay in touch with…

All this tells me… I found me… I am happy with me… if others want to participate in my life, and they take the time and effort to understand a person with a brain injury and unfiltered mouth… I am good with that…

and if someone does not want to make that effort… I am good with that… it’s a two-way street… and my participation in their lives is not the one they need…

Once upon a time I would have taken the action of another as rejection and beat myself up over what I have no control over… Once upon a time, I would have felt injured…

Now, I just feel relief that I do not have to be careful around someone new and I can just be myself… with all its hangups and quirks and nightmare on elm street internet…

I can just be me… but once upon a time… it was so very different…

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I Remember… Margie… always was a loner…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Health discovery still a mission…

This cold is taking me out, and I am ready for bed…

I have appointments this week, next week and the week after… Each appointment is important to this journey…

Physical therapy, so that I may do what I can to compensate for the stroke at 13…. If I had not remembered the incident in basic training, I would have thought that stroke happened some other time in life… but I remembered….

After that comes the neurology appointment and that one… tell me what happened to my brain, how can it impact me long-term and do I have anything I need to be aware of, so that my old age is as productive as my youth….

After that appointment comes the eyes and we find out if I did anything to make things worse or is it all related to blunt force trauma to the head and the stroke…

The final appointment, meet my new provider and set some ground rules, where I am in charge of my health care and she is just along to make sure I do it the right way… not throw road blocks and make false statements…

Get all that done in the next few weeks and get good news all the way around and just find out that I am going to do more exercising than I like…

I am good with that…

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I Remember… Margie… who never played well at any games in school… gee, no fooling, what was the first clue??? Who’s brain was always healing from being traumatized for 18 years… and still beat them at their own game… now that is a victory….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Bees are out today…

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Fun to come across them so busy doing what they do best…

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I Remember… Margie… catching firefly’s in Bonita…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Windy days and life…

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Lots of beauty here….

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I Remember… Margie… who loved to catch tree frogs…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Owning it….

What is IT??? For me… It’s life… I own my life… I own all my screw ups, the few I had and I own slapping my oldest son, in a contest of Wills…. not one of my more proud moments… But… I OWN IT!!!

I think that is what is the hardest about this journey of remembering my first 18 years of life…

My parents and siblings, lack of desire to own their behavior… In fact I cornered Don on this very subject, about a year before he died… He made the following comment…. “I was never abusive to you kids”… I nearly leapt off the couch and shouted, but I didn’t… instead, I raised my head and looked him cold in the eyes and told him…. “What you did, should have locked you away for a long time”… Don dropped his head and would not make eye contact with me after that… shortly there after, Freda came back from the store and my task of sitting with Don was at an end…

I was not asked to sit with him ever again… in fact, when he lay dying, I was not allowed near him, because Freda & Donna were afraid he would tell me the truth and that would ruin their little scheme of keeping the reputation that they didn’t have … That was one town, I made sure nobody knew I was related to them…. the family that is…

Don went to his grave, never owning his cruelty or his lack of humanity… but they sure prayed a lot over that man at his end… and that aha moment hits…

None will ever own their behavior… only because, it does not suit their agendas….

My heart slows and the dawning realization of how very fortunate I am….

I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I have accomplished on this earth… none of the people I mentioned can do that… because they lie, stole, beat, and cheated…Me….

I did none of that to them… Nor did I ever lie… none of them can say that… NONE… and now that is a choice they will always have to live with….

I like my mirror, maybe not the lines and wrinkles smiling back at me or the touch of gray along my face… it may have cost me in the thousands to do what was right and it may have cost me my pride to not lie, steal, cheat or beat my way to Hawaii…  I only had one agenda… live my life and do the best I could and leave no bodies in my wake…

I far exceeded my wildest expectations… and I did it without a god or a god worshipping spouse…

I did it because it was the right thing to do… respect life, even when it does not respect you….

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I Remember… Margie…. who escaped hell and kept her soul intact…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Enjoying the birds…

Myna birds are the funniest creatures and they are vocal and they spook easy… we have parakeets, Cardinals, all kinds of finch’s, hawk and owl as well as a variety of sea birds… and once in a while that ferret that runs wild and kills off those birds…

Wildlife here is not the norm… We have wild pigs and they usually come out at night and people like to drive up and down Makauu street as fast as they can and so far a couple of dogs and several pigs have been murdered by the morons that live here…

In over 49 years of driving… never hit and killed anything except that bug splat on the windshield… but I do pay attention to all going on around me and bought a car that did the job, not for its bells and whistles… that would distract me…

Off in the distance is the barking dogs up on 8th street… all in all we have okay neighbors… not great, if they were great, I wouldn’t have to close up my house when one of the dumb ass’s decided to burn their trash, instead of taking it to the dump… or I wouldn’t have to listen to their brand of music, when I am watching the news on TV… or I wouldn’t have to put up with their chickens on my property, making me have to keep my dogs pinned up, so they don’t taste blood…

So all in all, I guess we have okay neighbors…

I just shook my head on that thought…

I really do want that 20 to 30 acres in the middle of nothing, so the only noise I hear…

When I let loose a good fart!!!

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I Remember… Margie… who never learned love at home…but did learn about bigots…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Beyond my Comprehention….

Do you comprehend everything that goes on in life??? If you do, why are you reading my blog???

Intelligence is only good if it helps, does good and most of all, helps you keep your soul from those hell-bent on condemning it like they did their own….

I do not comprehend religion or those that say, “praise god”??? I mean, what person in their right  mind says, “praise god”… when millions of people were slaughtered in gas chambers and genocide is going on as I write… so how can anyone in their right mind say, “praise god”???? or a god that did so many abortions, we will never catch up to the number this god murdered with floods and hell fire and brimestone… but “praise god”????

And there in lies the conundrum of insanity and those that are using religion as a cover for their crimes and those that are educated but simple-minded and those that are simple minded and not educated…. these people scare the hell out of me for good reason…

They have no ability to reason….

I watch as Trump manipulates and I watch as the Pope manipulates and both men… are men in power that tell you, trust them… they know all, they see all and they did all… but they want you to trust them???

I don’t know about you… but tonight, I hope this cold leaves me alone… I don’t have any nightmares about the very people I mentioned above…. and most of all….

I learn to comprehend why I continue to keep my doors and windows locked at night and make sure my dogs get friendly with only the people who live inside my walls… and that would be the ghost of christmas, past, present and future… Mike & I, I trust… anyone else… not a snow ball chance in hell… why… did you not read the above…???

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I Remember… Margie… who hated being dressed up for Freda’s church games….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Sun still rises…. regardless of you praying for my death….

Last night, not any good sleep… tossed and turned and something that the Norwegian atheist group posted stuck in my mind and that is probably what got me going on my first write of the day… trying to reconcile how it is okay to drown thousand of people and women with unborn children, but a woman or girl can not get an abortion?????? REALLY????

I have no problems cutting my birth family loose… they chose to hide from reality by praying to another human being, that was born on this planet, conceived by a man and a woman… and had the most eloquent ability to talk and get people to believe anything…

Holy Crap on a Cracker… that’s TRUMP!!!!

Insanity by the mass’ is not new on this planet… neither is superstition… nor is ignorance by not vaccinating your children…

It is called free will…

It’s also called INSANITY…..

I watch the news and how the people Trump surrounded himself with have all been busted, some going to prison, more on their way to prison… but people still support him and believe them, only because of….

FEAR… you see, only those who have committed sins or crimes… believe in gods…

No clue what the hell they fear… but words are just that and only have value and meaning… if there is substance…

Sorry, but for me, anyone who buys into anything a Politian says, a religious leader says or a person who profess’ to be of faith says…

You are the ones that I hang the Garlic for… you are the ones I have the Stake & Hammer for… You are the ones I have the Silver bullet for… You are the ones….

I never let in my front, back, side doors, let alone windows or my heart…

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I Remember… Margie.. who only asked Freda, Peggy & Don to own their behavior… instead they hide behind a god that never was… but it makes their brains feel better… You really can not fix stupid… You just can’t….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Murdering Gods??? Really abortion is bad, but Noahs ark was humane??? How many drowned unborn babies killed by god??? Edited…

fredapeggymargie

Notice anything out of the ordinary in this picture… I’ll let you figure it out… but it woke me up at 4AM this morning… thinking about the cruelty of these two people against the little girl who is covered in blunt force trauma fractures and bruises… and just a FYI, that little finger is just as crooked today… no health care for this little girl, whose only mistake, be born into a household that hides behind a god….

A god that drowned the earth and killed thousands, if not millions of women with unborn babies!!!!

Isn’t it nice how the woman cradles the one child as she digs her fingers into the injured arm of the other child…

These two people swear they are christian… they are children of god…. they believe that this god has the right to abuse anyone and everyone… but you can not do the same, unless you believe in this god???

Yep, sleep was short last night… thinking about the millions that have been abused or died at the hands of people like this….

Still waiting for that MRI Peggy…. where is your proof of that infarct you swore you had… how long before you take that knife and slit your own wrists for the abuse you inflicted on your sister????

How long you going to hide behind a god that has never existed… but it sure made it easy for you to abuse and strangle your own sister…

How’s that religion working for you now Freda & Peggy???

Hows that religion filling your heart up now??? Hows that religion solving all your problems that you created yourself, because to have courage…

Just remember Freda & Peggy… I have proof, lots and lots of proof… all you got, your lies… keep at it… and that is all anyone on this earth will remember about you…. your lies…

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I remember… Margie… Who knew that gods don’t murder… but humans do… gods have to exist to commit the crimes that are seen on this child… and thy name be Freda & Peggy!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Life smiles at you…

Squall moving in, power is off an on… Air smells squeaky clean, mother nature smiles after her shower….

The few draw backs for living here, get washed away when nature comes out to play…

Letter in mail today, my primary doctor an appointment… Our remaining time here will be pleasant….

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I Remember…. Margie…. she dreamed dreams over the rainbow….

Sgt USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 9…

It will surprise you what you fear… and your mind will feed that fear if you let it… and you will push reality away and become like the rest… religious…

I chose to stand up to my fear and not let it own me… am I totally free, no, I don’t think we are ever truly free… but we can own more of it, so that it does not own us…

I watched as the family acted out their christian behavior and behind closed doors it was malice, gossip and most of all judgement…

How petty and small their lives truly where and I couldn’t stomach being around them, because I judged… I watched and I gagged…

I told fear, that I didn’t need ancient text to tell me right from wrong…. I told fear, I didn’t need to worry about my soul… it was doing just fine as long as christians kept their claws out of it… they tried, oh my did they try….

I told fear, I wasn’t afraid of the truth and I welcomed it and embraced it and owned it… so that I could own fear….

Owning my fear, is the hardest task I have undertaken… every time I fail, I dust myself off and tell myself, you tried and you didn’t give in or give up… you keep trying…

Fear will always be a part of who I am, without fear, I can not grow and learn… It is fear that protected me, kept me safe and taught me how to not fear… Fear taught me the one thing I needed…

Fear is  a part of life, it will always walk with you, but will own you if you let it…

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I Remember… Margie… who stood up to the bully in our house…. Freda, mommy dearest…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

I have a RIGHT to be ANGRY!!!

Explosive angry… that only seems to happen when I am hungry… and that is normal behavior…

This pent-up feeling inside me, that makes me want to rip the flesh off the demon that torments me… now that is a whole different kind of feeling and it makes me feel tight inside and it makes me want to look for a way to let the demons out and how do I do that without tearing into another living being…. making me walk on egg shells around people and I withdraw and want to hide and feel remorseful for having so much hate against christians and all religions…. the man-made tool to control the human race…. and I am supposed to feel bad for attacking the morons and the teachings….

Gee I haven’t seen a damn thing in the news on the internet, no place that shows religion has done one ounce of good…. my body shows how much bad they can do and not be held accountable, until now…

Lots of stories are out there… but no proof of any good…. Lots of bodies out their with damage to them from those same religious, trying to force their views and values that are warped, corrupt and most of all lies….

So yep, I still have anger and I have lots of hate…. but it doesn’t take up my every minute of my day or nights…

Nope I reserve that time for good old face book and the knowledge that those who killed me, beat me and raped me… know I am telling on them…

I am finally getting the reputation that they all spread….

I am a tattle tell…

Still waiting for that MRI Peggy…. come on christian, show me your worth… I’ll keep watching the obituary…. because truth has no value to you does it???

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I Remember… Margie… who knew that god was a tool, and not a human being…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Suicide is painless…. for who, your fake god???

I get so sick of seeing someone on face book post the phone number for the suicide hot line for veterans…

If the damn thing worked, we would not have suicides and we sure as hell wouldn’t be losing kids who have not seen combat…

But…. that happened when I served and they asked for help, just like I did and we got none….

So what makes you dumb ass’s on face book think that suicide prevention hot line does any good???

I served from 77 to 83….. and I know of more than one airman that tried…

1 succeeded… 

I asked for help, and it was more important that the base cover up the rapes and attempted murder at Vance AFB…

It’s not our lives that have any value to the U. S. Government…

It’s their reputation…. and after watching the GOP and Trump and the christians rape America….

You finally get how veterans feel….

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I Remember… Margie… who’s only mistake… trust…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I’m Not Supposed to Remember….

I heard the words as I drifted off to sleep, “we were told she wouldn’t remember”…. I asked Freda many times over the years, what happened to me as a child???  I asked Peggy and told her I thought my health issues were related to what happened in that house… and she said, “Live, love and laugh”…. 

Both kept lying all the way up to last year… they both kept lying… I posted the MRI results… showing the severe brain injury… told Peggy where is your proof… that move I call, “Check Mate”… and I have no clue how to play chess….

The thyroid medication messed with my brain for 27 years… even though I am smoking pot, my vision of some memories are so very clear…. there are still some gray areas, that I thought would never see the light of day… so I have hope, more will continue to surface… pushing out of my comfort zone, exposing myself to things, looking for any trigger….

Not a sound from the family dynamic that is watching this little show go down… so many know the secrets and thought how grand to screw with Margie… and they wonder why their lives are the way they are…. I asked for honesty and got so much less…. I walked, the road block is no more…

I am not supposed to remember… and I think that is why they are so scared of the book… I remember so much and the lies they told…. they all took so much… some cry me a river stories, every day life…

But I am not supposed to remember…. Mike is letting me go back into my world, where I use the talent I was born with and I figure it out… and when I am done, I tell him the goal was accomplished… I don’t always get it right… but the failure is part of the learning, it shows me what was false and real….

But I am not supposed to remember…. standing and watching Freda cry over a woman who hated the man she married…. never saw her have true emotion over anyone else, ever…. I was covered from head to toe in bruises, my light so diminished by these christians….

But I am not supposed to remember…. 

Yet I did….

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I Remember… Margie… who could leave the world around her and fly….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Gray days…

our resident bug catcher…

our pineapple giving us another treat this year…

Our morning wake up call, feel like I never left basic…

Pure love….

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I Remember… Margie… who rescued what an who she could…

Sgt USAF DAV

You can’t fix stupid… I did it again…

I know better…. I know what the consequences are…. But when it happens, it just feels so good….

To eat….

Food and I are not in love, never have been… I eat to live… I am not into fancy foods, rich foods, real spicy foods…. I just try to eat healthy, my way… not the dietitian way… 

Every time I quit smoking pot for a while, I lose that need to watch how much I eat, because my body gives me plenty of signals… but…. If I am getting used to the THC again, and the pot has any kind of stimuli in it… I will eat… I will munch and I know from decades of this… 

Not to do the stupid….

I don’t know who was more miserable last night, me or the dog… both of us wanted access to our thrones…

Heard on the news they are changing out health care coordinators starting in June… so if my health care wasn’t already up in the air… this will ensure it will get lost in the system again… 

But… at least I got the official word on the 2 neuropathy illness…. I got confirmation that my memories were correct about the severe TBI…. don’t know anything else about that except it’s not acute, the area of damage is small and in a brain, can’t imagine any size would not be considered important… but I’m just the patient… sigh…

Trump got schooled by a grandmother who knows a few things about temper tantrums and I hope Nancy keeps the child in line, till elections get here and we can get a real human in the white house… and not a puppet of Putin’s….

Fingers crossed the shutdown did not hurt the courts too much, but I know from my working in the courts… this push’s my case back months and we expect to be here till next year…. could be worse places… and we have lived in those worse places… I’ll take noisy Hawaii…

The up side of the pot, not as impactful with the depression as it was when on thyroid medication… been 10 days since I quit levothyroxine and other than making myself sick last night… I can’t complain….

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I Remember… Margie… who fought against the internal injuries…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Head hurts when I go there….

Avoidance…. ignoring the obvious…. talk about anything but what I should… acknowledge Mike is tired of hearing about all of it… He doesn’t know what to really say… Making up excuses and reasons to avoid trying to mend fences…. and most of all ANGER…..

It’s all there, it’s all in my head and sometimes it leaves my lips, but anymore I just write about it… I quit talking to Mike about it as much…

I am taking up the mantle of my old habits…. but instead of my fantasy world I had built and lived in for so many decades…. now what plays before my eyes are the reality of what my life was and has been, because of the corruption of christians…. and I truly do shake my head as I write….

64 years old and I was a prisoner of other people’s worlds, because my world was the one they wanted…. all they had to do, work for it like I did…

My marriages, all but one, I had to fight for the divorce and it cost me, as I roll my eyes upward… money, it cost me and I worked many 2nd jobs while on active duty and raising two kids… I knew my word and bond was all I had in this world that was mine only… yet the gossips said I was out doing so much more… that I will never understand…

I am planning… and preparing… hoping that we will leave here like we plan, but expect to be here as long as we planned… no disappointment… life just going according to plan…

We have one last promise to fulfill and after it is complete, our lives are our own and we can plan accordingly… but still, I avoid what I need to address and I know I must go back into the dark abyss of Freda and Peggy’s minds and write it down… so I am that much closer to putting the first draft of the book together… so many stories and how to approach what seems so much like a Cinderella story… and it is… it’s all mine and if life agrees it is time… 

We will move and I will have what I need… Reliable power source, ours just went out on us twice in a row the past few minutes… reliable internet and most of all, quiet, so I can work and not be interrupted by  noise…

life is funny with how it seems to work out like it should for me and that is only because I never gave up….

Hope….

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I Remember… Margie… who loved the silence of the void, her own fantasy land….

Sgt. USAF DAV