Where Is MY Veteran Health Care??? Big Island Hawaii…

Before moving to Hawaii, the big island… VA care was already a mess, though Obama was trying… but the GOP had other ideas and Veteran health care was not it… so the games and politics of my health care continues today….

As a 100% service connected and for you civilians that service connected is a huge deal… it means ALL my health care needs are to be met by the veterands administration… and….

As some of you know, I just had cataract surgery on both eyes and used my medicare, because I got tired of waiting on VA health care…. this brings my out of pocket expenses for health care, since I was awarded 100% …. over $20,000 and most of that was dental….

When I could no longer afford to pay out of pocket I used the VA in Arkansas for dental care… Care that I bitched about, since the day I went to a different dentist at El Paso VA the same year… the front upper bridge was for looks only, I was never able to use it to eat, it was to fragile and for 9 years I suffered….

In May of 2018 my dentist here on Hawaii, put in a request for implants… that was before, all the dental work I had in my mouth started to fail….

I now have only 3 teeth left on my upper mouth on the left side… and still no implants….

Reason for implants… the neuropathy from the beatings has impacted my mouth for over 10 years and wearing dentures is pain in itself…. going on 10 years of that nightmare…. wasn’t every day… but it has been every day since last summer when I blogged about it… I pop a pain pill so I can tolerate dentures, just so I can eat and they come out… now it’s wear them at bedtime, because of the upper mess and no denture to replace what has fallen out in the last few months… so yes…

Where is my Veterans health care that I was promised for wearing a uniform for 5 1/2 years?????

The military sure had no problem taking from me… and they still are today….

Thus the rant… as I realized, how much it hurt, to eat the slices of tangerine I just finised eating… because breakfast cause to much pain to chew and cause internal issues….

So where is my Veterans Health Care on big island Hawaii ????

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie….

Eye sight, not what ya expect…

When I got on the PC and used my big bertha monitor… DNA says I am still about 66% Irish, 24% French/German and then the others come into play…..

Still think it’s cool that I have a great great great X how ever many grandparent that was 100% Indian, from India… got a feeling I’m going to find that on the maternal line…

Anyway… so much for eyesight… still can’t see much on the Ipad, if I got my DNA numbers wrong earlier… Woke up with pain in the eye… so, got to remember… it’s only been 7 weeks for the first eye and 2 and a half for the second eye… vision will get there…

Back to playing…….

I Remember….

PTSD Knocked on the door all night….

In the Air Force, when they were covering up the rape and attempted murder of my kids… and I had to see a shrink, so they could come up with some excuse to push me out, since I had done no wrong… I asked the shrink this question in 1982….

“Can you change your personality”???? He said… “Not really”……………..

Needless to say, by this time I had been on the hormone replacement therapy for a full hysterectomy at 28 years old, and I knew my personality had been changing and didn’t realize it was chemical induced… man made chemical….

By the time we got to Japan and the surgeon saved my life…. they had me on Premarin… and my nightmare started in full….

Body recovering from strokes I didn’t know about… the likely hood that I had a stroke after leaving home at 18, is very slim… I have no loss of memory… just during the first 18 years of life… am I missing time….

I was cranky this morning, from the time I got out of bed, till we went on our mile walk…. not yelling cranky or lashing out… just raised voice on the issues at hand that bugged me… an as we walked back to the house… I looked at hubby and said… PTSD nightmares and he said, yep….. a pattern has emerged… and we both recognize…

It’s a step in the right direction… could I tell you what I dreamed about… NOPE… and that is frustrating… I just know, for a fact, I have never had bad dreams, except about trauma in my life….

I have never had a time when I didn’t dream…. that I can remember…. the PTSD nightmares started after the first beating, the one I call the TV interview beating at 5 years old… that wrist hurts to this day and the little finger, never was set and is crooked still…..

I get that PTSD can live with us forever… and since mine started in childhood, that is a obvious statement… 60 years later… but the way I handle the PTSD and the night long nightmares is different…

I may never get over the PTSD… but it’s not in control, like it was before….

No, now I am in control of the emotional part of this journey and that has been exhibited a lot lately in our home… the way I am dealing with the dental issues…. the lack of health care via the VA… and after I pay the last hospital bill for my eyes… doc is referring me out under medicare and I give up on the VA…. I have questions that need answering and preferably before I die….

I can get mad and frustrated all I want and spin my wheels, by letting the VA have any control… I choose not to do that… If no implants, we are out of here next year… and by the time that gets here, we will have hammered out our options and picked the one that will work best for us and go home…..

Ancestry has been fun, finding out I am only 24% British/Irish about the same French/German, toss in the Scandinavian, Asian and African…. yea… DNA testing is the most fun science I have ever done…… the Indian from India, explains the ability to tan up the way I used too… but Melnoma runs in Fredas family and out of the sun is where this sun baby is today….

So, in many ways the PTSD is leaving the house… Hubby is working on his demon and learning, I hope… and the pattern of behavior is changing… it just takes time and right now, time is something we have lots of….

For me… I can feel it and see it… and holding my tongue, not something I do often… but I am learning the grace that Margie once had, is coming back into play… and I smile of a recent incident by a Hawaiian… and I smile at her lack of Aloha…

Much like watching christians in action… you hope they get help… but bigotry will prevail for centuries to come….

As for neurology… I have had the extensive psych testing 6 times now… all but the Air Force, were the same result… PTSD… so no more psych testing… I want EEG that may give me more insight into the abnormal brain wave and referal back for the neuropathy and get retested… I think my nerves on the autonomic are just about dead in my arms, which means muscle memory is all that is keeping them functioning… and if I am right… my legs are in the same boat… worse than being diabetic…..

Questions will be answered, even If I have to pay and PTSD… I am just along for the ride as the driver…. I just sometimes fall asleep at the wheel and suffer the consequences, of a bad nights sleep…..

I Remember… Margie….. Sgt. USAF DAV

Defending the Indefenseable but god will forgive you… will humanity???

How do you defend the indefenseable??? Why believe in a god that says priest are good men and should be forgiven for the human weakness?????

Okay you got me on this topic… but I was watching a few minutes of SE Cupp, not my cup of tea…. as they say… but her statement, how defending the indefenseable had become and industry and she is right… it’s called….

Religion… a multi billion dollar business and you give permission for your kids to be raped and your country…

Not sure any of you can defend what the GOP or Trump is doing and make it make sense… because so far… all I have seen from every GOP member out there since Trump got the election….

Snake Oil…. Ponzy Scheme and the best, a tax break for the wealthy and you yahoos who believe a god is real… defend it…

Just remember… Salem Witch Trials…. Spanish Inquisition….. Holocaust….to name a few and right now….

The extermination of the Kurds under your christian watch… nope you can’t defend murder…but your god will forgive you… but will humanity???? Will your kids???

I remember….

PTSD Nightmares… still….

One thing about psychology… sometimes it gets it right with the PTSD stuff, not always, with my case… 50+ years of amnesia… isn’t the norm, according to what I have been able to find out there in papers on the subject….

The nightmares are happening, but not like before… they don’t scare me, they just annoy me, for waking me up… so now I have to train myself to acknowledge this kind of memory, so that it can open all the way….

Like I said before, at one time, I could remember every moment that passed by… which is why Freda nicknamed me, “tattle tell”… she even called me that in 2005… at the Mena hospital…. which was another trigger to remembering Margie’s death…. the woman herself, helped me remember, just by making comments, she made, when I was a child… you just can’t fix stupid, when it comes to christians and lies… they always trip themselves up… always….

The nightmares are not anymore intrusive, than having to get up an pee, as ole folks do at night… again it centers around Big Springs, Texas and when Margie died…. to me, it seems like the barriers that were up, are starting to crumble….

Taking the move out of the picture until we know what the VA is doing, helped… it took a distraction and filed it… leaving the mind free to do what it does, when you are me…. have fun….

Blood work was screwed up, so I did, get into the candy corn after midnight… so test redo and quick checkup sometime in Dec… right now… get done with the last eye post op and find out whats next for my screwy vision and get a denture, so my diet can get back to normal, but doubt it… it hurts to use the denture I have now, doubt the tissue is going to be any happier with a new full denture… neuropathy is taking it’s toll, thus the implants… no pressure on the tissue… year and a half of this non stop pain daily, from dental… 9 years of issues as it is… so over VA death care….

Wet, grey kind of day… saw lots of rigs headed up the mountain for the weekend camp out… the damage is growing from the ignorance of superstitions… but, hey, it’s their battle, their choice… we just don’t support them…. nor do a lot of people here… but you don’t hear about that…

All box’s been thru, except one, and I need the extra cabinet to unpack those kitchen items…. so we are as organized as we can get in a 1,000 sq feet and just about every inch is being used…. going to be fun, when we finish the floors…

Sad what Trump and his christian base have done to the Kurds… read the history of us sending Jews back to be murdered… blood on America’s hands… not just Trumps… all of us…. Trump did one thing, he made America the greatest country to look like a complete and total failure to humanity….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Asian in the blood…. DNA wow!!! 23andMe

Working on the ancestry research again, and I am loving it… don’t get why I have a fascination with it… but, what I learn about people is fascinating and the fact… history is just repeating it’s self, because humans bought into religion, instead of believing in them selfs…. that’s what the con is about… control over you….

Recent updates to my DNA profile was exciting…. I have a Great great grandparent back as far as the 1500 who is 100% Indian… just not native American Indian… nope… from India…. the country I have been fascinated with my whole life, now I know why…. talk about goose bumps or as they say here…. chicken skin…. wow and I have Scandinavian in me… over 2%….

So, if you are curious about who you really are and not what the bible says you are…. do a DNA test and connect to the thousands of people that came long before your god……

I am most proud of my Congo heritage on both sides of the family, 300,000 years of DNA history….

I claim the earth as my home and humanity my religion……

I Remember… Margie….

When will IT happen???

When the Airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas Nov 5, 2017… I had no clue, 2 days later, I would remember Margie’s death in 1967 in Big Springs, Texas… and those 9 months that have left a cavity in this edetic memory…. is starting to fill up…..

Bit’s and pieces of that fateful event, when my parents beat my 13 year old body to death….

11/7/17…. Margie woke up and the past found her when she was not looking…..

It had been 50 years since Margie died… When she woke up and NO one living told her what had happen to her that fateful night… her life would never be what it should….

A child conceived while Dad was in Vietnam…. a fake illness to get him brough home…. a few months later…. my half sister was born and I died….

My older half brother and I fought hard that night to save a baby, we knew was not Don’s… and Don knew it too….

My brother was sent to live with his dad, and his dad was talked out of pressing charges for the injuries to his son… the christian con at work…. and when my brother saw me for the first time in 2002…. his expression told me volumes, he thought I would never recover from the brutal beating that 13 year old body took…. and he knew… and is still silent to this day… Thanks Larry Linnen…..

When I told Freda I was missing memory, she refused to give me any health information that could be and would have been life altering… that was 2010… my mother refused to own her actions of killing her daughter…. I never saw the woman again… but she would reach out, when she wanted money…. and she got the money… now I don’t exist… because I remember Margie’s death…. and she still lives…. Thanks Freda Bagwell

As for the other players…. they need mental health help… the trauma of watching their sister die in 1967, affected them mentally and still does to this day, with several being misdiagnosised with mental health issues… when in reality it’s repressed memories…. PTSD……………………………….

Freda did her job well, the siblings believe her over me and that is their choice… just like it’s christians choice to believe a priest over a rape victim…

You can’t fix stupid, until stupid fix’s it’s self….and America is getting a healthy dose of that……

I Remember Margie and the christians that raped and murdered her……

Where have all the Flowers Gone???

Long night of pain… but slept some anyway…. get up and hear Cummings died… a good man, with a good heart… he led by example… he will be remembered for the good human he was…..

My twitter account averages over a 1,000 hits a day, if I do about 5 good tweets…. other wise, it sees about 500 hits daily and at least a dozen shares on some of the tweets like this morning… I am on a roll….

As for the blog… I keep those that follow this goofy page private… no one knows who is following and privacy should be considered, when I’m public… that is my choice, maybe not that of the reader….

Readership has gone down… for what ever reason…. maybe, because someone died… hopefully… sorry, but I have my rights too…

nope, not sorry…. they weren’t when they killed me…. or maybe they think we aren’t moving home anytime soon…. sorry to disappoint gang…

We have a habit of just doing it, after all the speech talking, ranting, planning, examining… we have a habit of just picking up and going…

So that being said… our departure from Hawaii will be sooner than later… as I already plan to buy a 2nd home using my VA…. just like I did when we moved here…

Unlike my family and friends… we don’t spend money on eating out, movies, clubs, yada, yada, yawn…. we spend it on getting ahead… so we can do as we please when we please….

Taking the element of surprise and folding it back up… like the last time when we went home… they didn’t know we were coming until we headed into town that day…. same thing will happen when we leave here….

Maybe that is why all this isn’t that upsetting… other than waking up last night in spasm, because of my dental issues…. that is annoying, but not in control of our destiny….

No…. we are in charge of that… not a matter of if… just a matter of when….

I am bored with this writing… but last night I had PTSD nightmares… centered around Big Springs, Texas… so who knows what tomorrow will bring… it doesn’t know, till it gets here….

I Remember…. Margie…..

Aha moment, we can move home next year….2nd VA home….

When I bought this house on Hawaii…. I already had a VA loan on the house in New Mexico…. but because I hadn’t spent the full amount I was eligible to spend… I could use my VA again, as long as the home, wasn’t near the first home…. and damn me… Hawaii be a long way from Washington state….

Even if they do my dental… I can buy another home… just like I did when I moved here….

It will be an investment property… but that is okay, we have been remodeling homes for the last 20 years… we know how to do it…..

Now that we decided that we will plan on a move next year, but keep this house until my dental is all done… in other words… I will be doing a little flying….. as we will be at the end of the implant process, so maybe a couple of flights here….

Now we just have to find out what amount we can spend on another house and start looking…. plenty of time to do that next year, when we are ready to make the move…. maybe we will be home for the holidays next year…. just got to have the property come along, we can afford….

I do love it when my brain farts work out to a plan that is achievable… it’s how we moved here…..

Aloha

I Remember…..

Last box reviewed….

How quickly things here start to smell like mildew or mold… and we found some kind of bettle in the box’s, so those got emptied and heads up on what not to pack in ….

I opened every box, unpacked what we wanted to use and things to keep busy with…. now it’s wait on the cabinet to arrive and I can put stuff away…. I really thought I had more kitchen stuff packed… guess I have been using what I have for a while… did find one new box of pyrex storage… going to all glass and get away from plastic….

I look around and that feeling of being crowded isn’t creeping in on me, like it used to… so disliked being closed in… that is changing… likely because of the PTSD changing….

Had the news on while we dug through our junk… Trump, is so much like the christians who beat a child to death, because she told the truth… he is throwing our troops under the bus… blood on his and his base’s hands… and it all could be prevented… if that base didn’t want control over women’s rights and bodies… slavery, alive and well in America as well as the worse corruption yet to hit America…. a christian racist President….

Bored with writing, not much sense… the other program is giving me a avenue to document and keep a chronological diary…. so much unrest in the world, because of men in power, wanting to keep that power, regardless the harm done to humanity….

Religion… the most corrupt and worse mental illness on the planet…. wow….

Appointments happening, care being done and still waiting on the Senator Shatz’s office to tell me, why the VA is making me suffer???? Hilo federal employees… at the VA, someone has played god, with health care and I’m not the only victim… so the word on the street is….

Once my denture comes in, out and about… weather cooling, time to go hiking and looking… take the dogs for long walks at the ocean parks… enjoy the time we have on Hawaii…..

Now that hubby has done as I asked by finding stuff, he will be off and about his yard… green house to set up… other things he’s doing to make the property look nice… our avacodos are falling off the trees… oranges almost as big as grapefruit… grapefruit getting bigger too… we’ll get to see more of the stuff we planted, mature and produce….

No construction noise… not like it was… it is slowing down… recession is starting here already…. but the demonstrators are impacting the economy also… and not in a positive way… so we will watch and build equity….

Time to get back to work and try and get as organized as possible… really don’t like a mess… not OCD neat, just don’t like a mess…

Aloha

I Remember…. Margie….

Living between 2 worlds….

Out walking our mile in beautiful Hawaii and I got to thinking of how I had been living the last 50 years before I got my memories back on 11/7/17…. in a different world than what I am living in now….

Amnesia caused by traumatic brain injury is what many troops who have head trauma will deal with… and it’s a living, walking nightmare… because you know of what it was like before the head trauma and now you have to live with the head truama…

Only 1 little problem with that scenario…. I was never told I suffered head trauma at 13 years old… the Air Force covered it up, to protect the reputation of the military and in the process sacrificed my life for that reputation….

When I tried to get records from the government… they were sealed… it will take a court order to get them… and that is something that I may do down the road… right now… it’s about how much of my past can I recover from the dark abyss of the brain….

Neurology told me, there was no physical reason they could see, per the MRI & MRA that would preclude me from remembering…. yet….

9 months is missing from my memories that this edetic brain kept locked away for safe keeping….

The birth of my half sister, conceived while dad was in Vietnam…. she was born and I died…..

Freda knows what happened and isn’t talking… the woman is living and aware… yet she changed her phone number and I have no physical address… not a issue, if you know how to get info on people and you got it… I pay for that subscription, so I can track people down… did that on a ex…you really have to know how to stay hidden in America….lil bro isn’t that smart to keep her that private…..

Her not talking, allows my brain to accept the memories as they come in for what they are… facts…. and any story she or Peggy told… gets trashed…. because just like the stories in the bible… so too are the stories Freda & Peggy told… just stories, with no value, except to the story teller….

Before the memories started coming back, I was in a twilight world… walking thru life, sometimes participating, but mostly watching….

Now that I have regained my past…. it’s starting to stay there…. just one little gray area is being worked now….. those 9 months in Texas, after I died…..

I have remembered the rest and now those memories are settling in for what they were always meant to be… part of my past and a reminder, if I had remembered… Tiny wouldn’t have any of my property now… just that simple and Freda would never had used that money for the house, but on my kids……

PTSD has lost it’s hold, I would imagine, testing would verify that… but sitting down for a hour long psych test… I’ll pass….. it’s the fact that what I am going thru now has not negatively impacted me in anyway… except, disappointed I won’t be seeing the brats as soon as I would like… and not real sure we want company as I go thru these procedures over the next year plus…..

The writing has lost some interest for me… the abuse of the chrisitans in America in silencing anyone who doesn’t buy into the man made god… is sad, but it’s gone on for centuries… look at the catholics, the worse at exterminating the truth and abusing the religion…. a multi billion dollar business is in no way a religion…… it’s a cult… look up the definition…besides, christians… it’s about staying humble and helping others… not by what I see today… you people take and never own your lives… it’s always someone elses fault…..

The day is cool, cloudy, lots of rain off and on…. back sore from bending over and unpacking so much yesterday…. house is starting to look like a home, with our personal stuff, sitting out and about….

Feel pressure in the right eye… doubt if that is a good sign, since he commented on it being there, during post op… catching a break from what christians did to my body as a child, just doesn’t seem to be in the cards….

thanks christians, never a kind word will pass my lips, because of the brain injury you gave me……… you are getting what you wanted, just not exactly the way you wanted….

I remember… Margie…..

Sky is falling, call chicken little….

Trumps stirring of the pot has everyone running around like the sky is falling and for the Kurds it is doing exactly that… all because christians want to tell Women in America what the civil rights means and that means Women have no say over their bodies because of christians… plain and simple…. their fears are now suppose to be all of societies fears….

Hell is what christians are doing to our democracy…. just that easy…

Moat, garlic farm… naw… for now, we’ll just watch the people of Hawaii protest and see how far they get… we don’t support them, but we support those being impacted by the demonstrators…. so quietly we will support who we think is in the right….

Got a call from the oral surgeons office… on the drop call list… when someone cancels they will give me a call to come over… other wise… just before thanksgiving, I am having oral surgery…. hopefully my denture will be here and that will allow me to still eat our feast, as little as it will be…..

We are more geared to doing what we need to finish off the house improvements over the next year… pay bills off and get ready for the recession…. this house may stay in the family… and we may just buy a 2nd home back home… until we see the damage Trump has done, to the economy… we are sitting still and preparing for the financial damage to come….because of Trump and his base…..just so they can control womens bodies… you can’t fix stupid… you just can’t…..

Eye surgery is tedious, but interesting… some times I can read just fine and a few minutes later, the vision blurs…. I know I have pressure in my right eye, he caught that when he did post op last week… that is the side of the head that recieved the trauama in Texas, when I died…. so I’m not suprised that eye has issues…. time, it will take time and eventually I’ll have glass’s that allow me to read without trouble… headaches… got a feeling that is the norm with reading, explains why I quit reading so much a long time ago…. reminders have been front and center during recovery…..

No new memories, just a flash here and there…. so, just going with the flow and letting life do it’s job… either I will remember the things I am looking for, or I won’t… the brain has challenges too… but you hope muscle memory works in that gray cloud too…. always hope I will get more back…..

Losing interest in writing…. so much drama going on, so many other things I could put my time towards…..

Getting organized for the long haul…. house is getting crowded again… reminds me of our living in the 5th wheel for over a year… that was interesting when we did it for 6 months with 3 big dogs and 2 little ones… now we are down to 2 big ones… so many passed over the years…. an ours are 8 years old this month…. an gray…..

Day started, hot already and muggy… AC on and it’s quiet in the house… just the noise of the TV in the background…. Exercises done and helping…. pain pill still taken… pot helps, but not with pinched nerves…..

Have a beautiful day….

I Remember…. Margie….

Life goes on….

For decades I made the effort to keep in touch with my birth family… not so with them… and as my memories open up, I see the workings of a deranged mind… and my thoughts flash to Trump and his killing of the Kurds… Vietnam all over again….

We all know we can’t change the past… what happened 1 second ago is done, you can redo, but you can’t take it back…. life goes on…..

Had to do blood for the doc, concern over a thyroid level… so had to skip all the supplements for a couple days… so the reading would be true… sugar will be up, I think, I was asleep though, but I think I got a hand full of candy corn during the night… taste in my mouth was the give away… but the blood should be normal, other than sugar level…. ooooops….

Did my 3D mammogram… medicare covers it… that too should be normal…. we did DNA testing, I don’t carry the gene for breast cancer…. I was just exposed to Agent Orange….

We are in town early, everyone busy getting their day started, a easy feeling in the air… and it dawned on me… they are celebrating Columbus day and that was why the lab was closing at noon…. so people were off work…. and it was nice… and friendly… though one banger ruined, when in traffic….

Hubby is building himself a greenhouse… he’s out doing his shopping and doing what he likes to do, play in his yard….

Looking at all the growth the fauna has done this year, tells me, by the time we do leave here… this house will not be seen from the road… or the only next door neighbors… privacy at it’s best….

Since we will be here much longer, I plan to pursue the specialist using my medicare… just one thing at a time… as I am only seeking confirmation of what I already know things are… the neck and nerve… just getting them to back up my diagnosis…. no hurry, already do what I can for the issues related and PT, looks like that will be medicare too… so over VA death care here on Hawaii……

Keep doing my exercises, have to, no choice… find that out ever time I am restricted on activity for more than a few days… the weakness spreads rapidly and I have to start over as if I hadn’t been working out… it’s that progressive…..

Told hubby, NEVER remind me, halloween candy is in the store… I’m full, an he loves the stuff and doesn’t gain weight… not fair….

Every once in a while a sound or smell will trigger a vague memory… can’t tell if I have a road block up and am not letting it come forward… or am I going to need hypnosis… guess we won’t find that out… either I will or won’t remember the rest….

Day warming, breeze in the air, sound of birds… no construction or road noise… time for some relaxing….

Aloha

I Remember… Margie….

Acceptance, this is a hard one…

I’m ready to buy our forever home… this time the VA won… we are staying put, until my health care needs are addressed…. not what I want to do… but… always that little word… I’m 65 and have medicare, so not all will the VA be involved with… for me, it’s looking more just like the dental and perscriptions… the inhaler is ridiculous expensive…

What is good about this… when hubby said what he wanted… he meant it… he wasn’t putting the matter off on me, he said how he really felt… logic won out….

From what I read about the procedures… I have already had a precursor to it in Arkansas VA, when they did the bridge that broke last week…. they implanted bone… no big deal… so for me, if my local dentist is in agreement… I prefer he do it and that way I have a say in the direction we go…. plus, no driving to the other side of the island….

Spent my morning unpacking kitchen stuff…. we already plan how to exit when it’s time… so packing again, will be different… we are selling the house set up… just bring your suitcase… I would have had to unpack stuff to do that anyway… like christmas in October, okay, a good halloween…… bought enough candy and we don’t get trick or treaters….. ooooops….

Got my jewelry stuff getting organized… books on how to do… instructions I can do… creative… not so much….

We are also finding, we don’t have a problem with the AC on at night… we have been getting an extra 30 mins of sleep, we’ll take it… 5:30 is early enough….

Restrictions over, and exercises done… the difference in the connective tissue after, is reminding me, how important it is to do them every day or I won’t have anyone to blame but myself for not being able to move….

We have set goals to accomplish on the house and savings for the move…. things we want to get to take home with us… an money to buy our next home… always helps to have goals, when life makes other choices for you….

Aloha

I Remember… Margie….

Patience is not a Virtue… It’s a Skill…..

When you have been terrorized by the people that brought you into this world… you get what the people in Syria are going through… deep thought on that statement….

Watching the news and the Turks killing the Kurds… brought to mind the picture of the helicopter loading the last few in Vietnam or the planes running down the runway so loaded, they might not get out, before the slaughter happened… Blood on Trumps hands and the base that supports him… so many lives will be lost because these people want control over Women’s bodies and my rights… all because of a fake religion…. mental illness at it’s best and in all it’s glory… wow…………………………………

The day has turned hot already and not even 8 AM… and my mind goes to the Kurds… I have seen too much death and can hardly believe we are allowing it to happen… all of us…. today is not a good day for America……

The reason I said patience is a skill, because it involves using the mind…. not so with religion… with religion you believe in what others think is the way to live and think… so you quit growing….

Patience is what I’ll need as I go through what is to come, because deny me care, they can not… they made me wait from 2011 to 2019 for a rectocell procedure…. this dental is impacting my over all health, the clock is ticking and hubby sees the trauma I go through everythime we eat dinner or breakfast…. it’s not fun…. autonomic neuropathy is having a field day….

Hubby digging in the storage sheds for stuff, so that I can be productive at something… I like making antique jewelry, so we are digging out my stuff and magnifier, for the detail work… I think that will be my christmas gifts this year, if I have the supplies…. or maybe do black pearls, I can get C+ quality localy of fresh water pearls….

Working on the ancestry, taking care of the house, jotting stuff down for the book, doing jewelry…. and in between all that, getting my dental done…

So filling my time, so that I am not idle, will enforce the patience on waiting to go home…. finish what I started…..that in it’s self is rewarding……

Time to go help hubby and move stuff back in…..

Have a beautiful Sunday…..

An FYI… no depression, wishful thinking, you betcha… but not depressed…..PTSD is losing the battle….

I Remember Margie…..

Neuropathy takes so much from just feeling….

Back in 2008, is when I noticed the tightness in my feet, in the pad areas….

According to PT, this is related to the neuropathy and beatings I received as a child…

Some of the exercises help pull and lengthen the areas that are pulled tight… lets explain it this way, because any of you can try it and you’ll get an idea of what patients like me deal with….

If you have a family member that wears the heavy… not light, but heavy compression stockings that have the foot on them…. try that on and try moving your foot in all directions… now add 10X more pressure like weights and do the rotating movement the up and down and you’ll find it’s difficult, your legs get tired fast, if you have the weights on and you’ll get a taste of my struggle to stay mobile…. and why I fell down so much before I started doing the physical therapy… which just a FYI, I haven’t hit my lips in a while… so the exercise helps, but it’s just a stop gap measure…

I have very little sensation as far as feeling goes in my feet… they are reasonably numb and injuries happen all the time, so the habit of checking my body over, before showers is necessary… I have lost a lot of nerve sensation through out my whole body… that is why when surgery causes a new pain… the new pain can be more pronounced… because I am not use to that paticular pain….

It’s an experience I’ll give you that and I am still waiting on the VA to send me back for more PT, so I can continue to be independent… that was a few months ago… prompt and courtious health care… just not in Trumps vocabulary…not that he had much of one to begin with…. ya know… It was a wonderful conversation???!!! the dude is a joke….as are most christians….

So we are setting up house for the long haul, as we have no clue how long all this is really going to take, because anything can happen in oral surgery… I know…. that was my favorite job in the military…. I loved doing surgery….

The day has started, we put together a cabinet to go with the TV cabinet, and had to order the 2nd one, Walmart discontinued them…. rearranging the office so I can set my craft up and give myself more to do… but looking at the room, not sure, where I am going to put anything… it’s a little house…

Last night we noticed on the security camera a mongoose in the yard… eating where we feed the dogs… so dogs now get fed inside… we lost our big boy to the lepto virus when we moved here… don’t care to lose his brother and sister… those mongoose carry the virus…

Things to do, and things to put away so I can ask where the hell did I hide that object… always that way, when we set up house…. at least I’ll unpack some of my kitchen and have more of my gadgets to use….had to donate the last new electric griddle… I dropped it… think I am done buying them, can’t hold on to them, broke 3 in one year… go figure on that, neuropathy rules the days….. sometimes….

I Remember… Margie….

Hawaii and Health Care for this 100% Service Connected Veteran, will not be fun and will cost me….

Health care under the Military was bad enough… I was born into a military family and had military health care up to when I got pregnant with my first child after being raped…. from that point I was on welfare after I was forced to quit working while pregnant… complications that mommy dearest could have helped with if I had been told I had a stroke and seizures because of their beatings… but daddy was still active duty and that scandal just couldn’t be…

By the time I had my 2nd kid… I knew I needed reliable health care, so I went active duty a couple months after my 2nd son was born and now you know… I have had continious health care, until the VA came along in 1984, when I filed for benefits…..

From 1984 to 1991 I was a dependent wife, so military was still my health care and boy did they contintue to get it wrong…

From 1977 to 1983 I was active duty and not one doctor got it right and it was more important to protect Vance AFB from scandal so I was pushed out to cover up the rape and attempted murder of my kids in base housing… Federal installation and the base commander decided to keep the FBI out of the picture…Men in power protecting men in power… It was the 1st Sgt. son who raped and tried to murder my kids…nothing changed since I got pushed out in 83…..

From 1991 I used VA until I was able to get a federal job in 1992 and still used VA, but they had my disability rating wrong, so I had to use private insurance thru my federal job and still didn’t get the care I was qualified for thru the VA…..

By 1998 I had been awarded 80% service connected with 20% unemployable, thus making me a temporary 100% service connected DAV… disabled veteran….

By 2004 I had proven the military had lied and I was awarded permanent service connected 80/20…..

In 2013 or there abouts, not sure when this changed after the appeal and IG complaints….

But now I am 90% service connected disable veteran and 10%unemployable… permanent…..

Now you tell me… I have proven the brain injuries and you are going to tell me 100% isn’t my right????? Wow !!!!!

I have already dished out of pocket since 1998 over $20,000 for my own health care that should have been taken care of by the VA… the most corrupt government organization out there…. the VA…. and lots of veterans work for the organization and are just as corrupt… caught them first hand at El Paso VA… identity theft… mine and I have been paying for credit monitoring for 7 years because of El Paso VA compromising my social security number and using said number internally at El Paso VA for false billing for care done outside the VA that I never received…. the corruption is thick at El Paso VA…. and I am one of their victims…. credit monitoring has cost me about $1000 for the last several years to protect myself and husband….

Thanks federal government…. actually it’s not the entity that is corrupt its the employees…. and Tri west is just as bad with rude vulgar employees and I don’t use them anymore either…. I use my medicare as much as possible… which that being said… I got the hospital bills…..

So for my cataract surgery, where I didn’t have anything done extra… yet… but out of pocket with the deductable, because I hadn’t used my medicare this year… it will cost me right at $2000 out of pocket….

Fortunately we don’t have much credit debt, so these bills are being paid as soon as they come in… it just cuts into the amount of credit card debt I can pay on… a couple of months and I am back to our regular bill schedule… just means no money going into savings for our move home… and If I need laser work done in office that medicare does not cover, that will come out of pocket and I have some issues we know that are related to the military cover up of Margie’s death… those injuries impacted her eyes… and I will need to dish out a little more money for that work… I expect it to be a couple more grand, if medicare doesn’t cover the extra things I need done for quality vision… medicare just gives the basic care and not much more…

We are unpacking stuff and I am getting organized…. If any family and friends want to come visit while we are on Hawaii for a couple more years… we are trying to set things up so it’s just a desk we take down and put a bed in it’s place…. why….

Because after going back over the conversation with the dentist when he brought up the implants… we are looking at 2 years for the implant process to be done, because on the maxillary I need bone implanted for the implants to have a place to be put… that takes about 6 months to heal and I got a feeling the upper area is going to be a trying process…. with no one here to bug me… I can recover and not have to worry about entertaining anyone… I have control over when people come to Hawaii for a free vacation….

In the end… my health care is being taken care of… it’s just costing this 100% service connected veteran money that should be going to groceries or other important bills…. not for my health care I wore a uniform for and got raped in…. I paid my dues… it’s time the country paid theirs… and with christians in control…. our military is expendable… always have been… because they believe in life after death… now tell me you can fix that stupid thinking???

It does give me more time with the mental side of this journey….

I know hubby is working on his demon, his attitude is changing slowly….

People don’t realize when you hold in the negative from events in your life, it distorts your thinking process, you get to much into your head over what If’s what could have been… when in reality… you can’t change the past….

But you can learn to live with it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTelll

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember…. Margie…. before the christian religion murdered her….

Hawaii, do we stay or go East???

The implants will happen, but do I really want to be here another 2 years???

Am I unhappy with Hawaii or just frustrated from being away from the kids for so long and just ready to go home an spoil them???

Hubby wants to stick it out… be better prepared and not seat of our pants kind of move this time….

He makes good sense….

And I feel my body tense and the neck go, knock off the tension…. my choice… my choice….

If we stay, we will have to invest into the property, no way around it… the house will be 5 years old soon and here, exterior paint don’t last long…. We will need to put the Fujitsu 2nd split AC system in and finish the Pergo flooring… about $10,000 and I may not recoup it if we are in a recession when we do sell…..

Interest rates, recession, crystal ball, some one please beat Trump at the end game….

It looks like after our morning confab… we are staying until the VA does what I earned… take care of me….

A shopping I will go, a shopping I will go…. high ho the deerie o… a shopping I will go….. hubby wins…. but so do I…

I Remember….. Margie….

Dentist comment notes… cont.

I had taken 2 pics with me for him to see my natural smile and bite…

His comment got my attention and when I commented back, it dawned on him the physical issues I was having were impacting my dental… finally, he got it….

With neuropathy like I have, the tissue that connects everything and makes things work and communicate with the brain… mine have pretty much stopped working, thus the need for exercise… muscle memory…

The dentist said I showed my bottom teeth when I smile now… that is because of the exercises I do for the TMJ and my neck, they have released the pent up tention that was in my face from the time of my stroke in Big Springs, Texas 1967…. 50 years I have lived with this awful issue… adults beat a child to death… how brave….

Anyway… I digress…. the exercises help to make the connective tissue not so dead an in your way and the exercises allow me to function… just as with someone who broke their neck and they can’t turn said neck as far as they could before the injury… same too with the tissue and all the junk that makes up our anatomy….

So my smile has changed, because I work on those areas that are tied so tight together in spasms and nerve pain and damage…. I can function… not as good as I would like… but tolerable… The more I learn from PT, the more I have control over the broken body…. we are only as old as we feel…. I’m holding at 39…..

I Remember… Margie….

Lost count how many times I had to sign into my own site with Word Press… Really kids????

Bullying alive and well, negligence, ignorance… yada, yada… why did I have to sign into a site I have never signed out of?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Edetic or Trauma… How I make memories…

This one has stumped me since I read the medicine behind it or the psychology…

I have pleasant memories… but, they are not as vivid or in detail like the memories of trauma….

When the dentist said he had been waiting for that front bridge to fail… I realized… my dental care had been impeded by me, because of Trauma by the Little Rock VA dental procedure, who made said bridge… and my mind went to that place and didn’t leave it, every time I entered the dental clinics here… I was in survival mode and because of that…. I didn’t hear as well as I should have listened…. and it cost me and is costing me….

If we experience a life time of trauma… our brain, like any other muscle, has a memory and pattern it will follow… and the only way to break the cycle of self abuse or survival panic mode… break the pattern by becoming aware of the DeJaVu you are enforcing upon yourself….

It would be so easy to blame this on everything else, except myself… but it’s my brain doing the abnormal brain wave and causing my reaction… I so want a more indept EEG…. I want to know exactly why this is happening in the brain….

I marveled the other day as I was fixing my baby food dinner…. that I wasn’t losing it during this period of trauma…. and again that aha moment… I had changed the way I reacted to events in my life, putting them in less invasive categories of moments and taking the trauma aspect out of the picture….

Essentially I am just taking control of my world, instead of letting the past own it…

It felt so good to go to bed last night, realizing… I was gaining control over what the past left me as a gift….

A broken body and a mind that refused to give up on Margie….

That being said, I went back over the conversations I had with my dentist in Hilo and realized, I had vacated when he told me about the implants…. scared I ran the other way instead of listening to him…. this is what he told me last year….

The implants will take us up to 2 years to complete… that was with the bridges in tact in May 2018…..

2 years and that I am betting on it… with the lost of teeth 3 thru 11, the maxillary just got tricky on surgery, yada, yada……… yawn…. an that may take the specialist I have been seeing for the extractions… reconstructive kind of surgery and so much more I don’t know about, because I already forgot what I read…. hate when the short term memory farts on me… but the conversation, that is easy for me to recall….. weird…

I do have options, partial plate gives me the false appearance of teeth, functional, we’ll see… so we can move home if we chose next year…. If I do the implants…. we could be looking at 2021 and that scares me, with the economy already showing signs of recession and interest rates will climb like they did under Reagans legacy…. 12% for a mortgage…. ouch……

I have to weight the pros and cons of staying here longer than next year… it’s a good time to buy our forever home and get what we want an not settle… we wait, an that may be out of our price, because of the recession…. lived thru to many of these and stayed above water… getting to old to play that game anymore….

Eye surgeon says my vision declined… and I knew it would… no one wanted to hear me for decades about the brain bleed on Japan and subsequent need for glass’s…. now that I have the MRI… no one argues with me about my vision… finally… no clue what is next, except a new perscription, my old one is too strong…. still early in the process an last post op is the end of the month… things could improve….

Other than wanting confirmation about my neck…. see Neuro and Ortho…. What comes next is looking more on what I want and nothing else… Spoiling babies or stay on Hawaii and watch the Aloha drain into the ocean…

This will be a tough decision… finish what I started or go home…. an USPS says I have bills from the Hospital… so mail run late today and see IF I can afford to use my medicare for the other doctors I want to see…

I Remember… Margie….

Doctor surprised me…

Rant over about Trump and base… you can’t fix mental illness by yelling at it… but I sure would love to kick Trumps ass a couple times!!!

The dentist surprised me… he is making the denture and he’s actually doing a good job… he also does the dental implants… so some time along the way I didn’t understand who would do the implants… and it seems, the guy I have been seeing here in town, would have done them… IF… I hadn’t broke my front bridge work…. that just made the whole thing a lot more complicated… becasue of the maxillary sinus…

It isn’t unusal for someone to have perforated sinus because of dental surgery… I have already had my maxillary palete operated on, when I was 17 on Okinawa… so I should be okay with modern denistry….

The doctor told me that since the bridge broke and we are talking doing implants for #3 thru #11…. that’s a lot of wholes to put in the maxillary bone on someone like me who’s bone structure is damaged….

So, what this all means to me… I may have the surgery here in town, I may be referred to the surgeon on the Kona side… until he decides if its too complicated for him… an I have some thinking to do….

The partial will be ready by the end of the month… the doctor wanted to get me set up, because of all the medical issues that have been documented because of the dental problems…. Finally someone has been listening…

A few more weeks of trying not to take in so much air when eating and hopefully not go crazy with the diet I am forced to eat right now…. this should all work out??? Maybe??? I got no clue…… I just want….

My 2 front teeth for christmas………

Night all

I Remember…..

English…not that hard to articulate Trump!!!! or shut the hell up!!!

Wow!!! Trump just does not shut up his lying hole and that is all any christian does is LIE!!!!! So OVER IT!!!!! So TRUMP SHUT THE HELL UP!!! You never say the truth and you wouldn’t know the truth if it was branded on your tongue… You speak english with so little regard to the language or what the words mean and you twist them to suit your agenda!!!!!

WHEN DO WE STAND UP TO CHRISTIANS AND SAY NO MORE WARS!!!! NO MORE LIES!!!! NO MORE RAPE IN THE NAME OF GOD!!!!!!

Watching the Kurds be exterminated is like watching them leave Vietnam and so many of our allies were executed!!!!!

Trump is Hitler or the Anti Christ or Satan or just a man that people thought would change the world to their liking instead they got the ANTI CHRIST HIMSELF!!!!!

Anyone that supports Trump, never tell me… because if you do….. run…. mother fucker…. run and don’t stop running until you are off the planet!!!!

So over christians murdering innocent people because they don’t believe in the man made god they made up!!!!!!

May what ever gods that do exist have no mercy on the souls of the people supporting Trump or the christian church!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV Democracy over Religion for a reason!!!!

Taking it back from the Stroke….

Adjusting to all that I am remembering and adapting to what my body has lived with for over 50 years… and learning all this in the last 23 months!!!

It’s a large amount of information to absorb and not go off your rocker…

Throw in a dash of PTSD and my cup runneth over….

Getting past the depression that held me back from the physical part… the lack of motivation to get off my ass and be active again, wasn’t because I couldn’t, it was because I couldn’t accept that any human would do what they did to that child at 13 years old….

And there are moments where I find it difficult to accept…. only because….

I don’t remember….

The MRI’s & MRA’s and bone scans and nerve induction tests… don’t lie…. the evience has always been there… just getting it all together and have the memories kick in too….

What are the odds??? After 50 years I would start remembering….

Accepting the damage done to my body by others is difficult for any survivor to do… because they didn’t do the damage to their own bodies, other humans did…. and you just want to go back in time and stop it from happening….

Been there and tried to do that… it doesn’t work… nor does praying it away or asking or begging gods to fix things… people are being murdered right now in Syria because of Trump & his christian base…. dude is worse than Hitler….

Only I can fix what is fixable… or at least get the doctors to recognize it and get a plan to fix it, which is what I requested from the VA in Aug an not a word… no Neuro, no Ortho…. with the bills in for my eye surgeries, I will have my doctor request through medicare…. enough of VA death care…..

Long day ahead, eye post op…. dental for wax try in for teeth placement…

The autonomic neuropathy is having a field day with the teeth missing…

I know for a fact, this would not be an issue with the missing teeth, if I didn’t have other damge to my esophagus from the boob incident and the sliding herniated stomach… I could deal… not so, when it was taken out of your control decades ago…. like I said, it got interesting when the VA bridge Little Rock did failed, an it was doomed from the get go… that was another traumatic event in a VA facility…. my dentist here was shocked the frontal bridge for 9 thru 11 teeth, lasted 9 years… it was never usable to eat and it constantly cut my lip… so over VA death care….

Long day ahead, back and forth, rain is miserable and flooding is happening north of us… hope all stay safe… the people on the mountain are getting hammered and the cost for them and the protest… hitting $10 million… and police response time is life threatening as we found out this week….

Already had fun on twitter… sad to see the GOP throw an allie under the bus… but they support Trump, so they support the extermination of the kurds…

christians are never held accountable for their corrupt religion and it’s ugly truths….mass hysteria is a real condition…. just look at mass suicides because of religion….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie

Stroke took 50 years of my life…

Most people know they had a stroke… and just like with heart attacks, you usually know when it happens… Not so with Silent Heart Attacks and Strokes… Do I think that is what happen to Margie??? No…..

Margies head injuries, subsequent seizures that started after the first severe beating at 5 years old, that was the begining of Margies memories fighting for survival… the body is still at it….

I know I had multiple concusions from age 5 up to 12 years old, at least a half dozen I can confirm with the memories of symptoms…

When Big Springs, Texas happened in 1967, that was blunt force trauma to right side of my skull, actually have a dent… that is the stroke the MRI caught and the blood on the brain is from Japan a year later… same people that killed me, tried again at age 14… my belated birthday present….

That stroke on Japan was the memory taker…. it was gradual and as I get familiar with this abnormal brain wave and recognizing when it’s happening… I can see a pattern over the last 5 decades, that was progressively stealing my memories….

The MRI shows no damage that would preclude me from remembering my childhood, but…. as with any brain injury, the text books can only do so much….

I have no fear of remembering anything that happened in the past, but I know the subconcious can take that away from me too, no matter how much I want it….

The living are not talking and they will take the secret to their graves and they will leave a note saying how sorry they are, so they can feel good about it at their death….. I kid you not, christians are the most mentally ill people on the planet, I imagine other religions are not any better….. but that is how they will justify the cruelty they dished out……..

Killing Margie….

Go figure on that one… You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to decide that they are the god and not a crutch someone made up to deal with the wrong they did to another…..

I Remember…. Margie….

Chaneling my deep seated anger….

Yesterdays domestic violence brought it all home again… It happened before and he’s always armed… you let the authorities do their job an hope they get help….

The mans screaming an anger brought to light my own anger over the living not talking and my taking it out on everything I feel like attacking…

I remind myself, Margie has only been awake 23 months… the truth of what happened in those 4 walls, took a while to sink in… the players that took over my life in so many ways… Steven King would have a field day with this CreepShow but I think more the Twilight Zone… as it still is……

Mass hysteria a known thing that happens over time… People will take their lives in mass suicide, because someone told them the end was here…

Mauna Kea, the people are taking from those of us, who have a say, but are silenced by the money coming in to support the demonstrators and I think of the screams of yesterday and how long before we saw cops…. we are in the boonies, and not easy access….a perfect opportunity….

Again my mind goes back to the man screaming as I scream the cops are coming an he threatens… and I scream louder, multiple times, “The Cops are coming”… giving the woman hope….

It has left me drained… not wanting to be on twitter with smart ass remarks about christians and Trumps corruption in plain sight…. it’s so yesterday and measures are in place, I know, I worked the jobs…

My vote, will be my voice… but twitter, wise ass remarks yes… backing off the base??? They didn’t back off me, when they killed me………………………..

I Remember…. Margie…..

The Stroke Muscle Memory…

I would have never thought that a stroke would make you make muscle memory that never goes away, because it’s related to the stroke…

Going on 10 months that I have known for a fact, MRI kind of facts… that a stroke and TIA’s have happened… Nothing recent… but the evidence was there all along and no one caught it… not even the Oregon Contrast CT scan they did at the VA and I was pissed at that neurologist, because I knew something was wrong… that was 2001…… the MRI I had done here, 12/26/18 showed the VA missed again….

Clues about the stroke have always been with me, but I didn’t KNOW, those clues were connected to a stroke, I thought they were all connected to the neuropathy… so I have had to learn the difference….

A memory from Japan, after the brain bleed because I pissed off Freda & Peggy… Don beat me senseless and it scared the crap out of them and changed my life forever…. the habit that started after that stroke….

I slept with my left hand between my knees, because I couldn’t always control the left arm and make it stay where I wanted during the night… again, a moment in time I made my self remember, so that when Margie woke up… the memories would make sense….

This amnesia is beyond twilight zone… so much I have to make sure is a real memory and not a plant from the family….

The habit is one I continue to this day, if I don’t have a pillow for sleeping between the knees… something orthopedic had me start doing in the military to give me back pain relief….

Anyhow……. that surgery last year, the rectocell… where the surgeon said I couldn’t pick up anything heavier than my bath towel for 3 months and gallon a milk after that up to 6 months… to insure the surgery took… that time, when I was forced to be in-active, something foreign to me… is when I knew I had a stroke at some time in the past…. and I hit the medical records and forced myself to go back to as far as I could remember…. nada… nothing… and when I requested records from the government… they were sealed… my story, my history sealed…my life stolen by my own government….

To protect men in power, who are right now protecting men in power…

Garlic farm, moat… yep I can see the farm in my minds eye….

I Remember… Margie….

Maybe I Will, Maybe I Won’t…

I asked hubby why he hadn’t taken a picture of me toothless for the memories… and he looked at me wide eyed and said, would you wan’t me too and of course I said no…. even I can see in the mirror, my face has loss form, because of the missing teeth…

Will I take a picture for the memories… I really doubt it…

We have been married 25 years and we rarely take pictures of each other… or selfies… just not into it I guess…

Must be a generational thing….

I kind of think it will be fun when we go home and people see what we really look like and not one of our gag pictures… we do, do them….

The lines are more pronounced… the sagging skin heading south in areas that just can’t fight gravity… the hair… this last 12 months, the gray I thought is actually white, is coming in, in streaks… aging… I don’t feel older…

I still look at the world the way I did so very long ago, before religion contaminated a virgin mind… it took a while to expell the demons of white mans religion… but once gone, wow, the world is so much more fun… even when you are dealing with health issues….

Try to leave the news off, till we hear Trump is resigning… but oh lordy, they’ll be taking that dude out in a straight jacket… he just can’t believe he’s not going to continue to get away with the con…. but if he does… that oh lordy will be oh shit and here I come garlic farm and moat…..

I Remember… Margie…..

I Miss the Aloha

Years ago, I stayed at Turtle Bay and Trippler, and I experienced the Aloha of Hawaii over those many months I was there, the time of Disco fading….

As I returned to Japan to work and move back to the mainland, I bragged of that time of Aloha on Hawaii….

Many decades later, my husband decides he wants to experience the aloha of Hawaii…

By the time we had been here 2 years, we were ready to go home…

I have blood connection to Hawaii… Uncle Lee & family spent time in the interment camps, yet he went on to serve the nation….

My granddaughters father is Hawaiian and she just gave us another one to love and cherish, along with his native American heritage…

Hawaii felt like home, once… Not anymore….

Many kapuna we meet, have told us, Aloha is no more…

Yesterday I listened to a woman scream for over a half hour for help… We called 911, unable to assist, we did what we could… took a half hour plus for a cop to show up, but we don’t know for sure, they could have come from a different direction, it did get quiet, the house is a couple acres away… she has good lungs, but we don’t know who was assaulted….

The behavior of many is hurting the few, because right now the many have the loudest voices, because to become vocal, you become a target and here… Hawaii has it’s gangs too….

No longer feeling comfortable and safe…. ready to leave Hawaii right now… but that is because of the domestic violence I am being exposed to… as we don’t know who or exactly where someone was assaulted, you can only look over your back as that is all any can do… we did see the women that live there, but we aren’t sure they live there… it’s a sketchy setup, since they moved in… and I hope someone gets help, before someone ends up dead…

I Remember… Margie….

Lying, Stealing, Cheating, Rape, Murder, Death, Birth, Military cover up… and christians that do all of the above…. Why do the religious do the worse to humanity?????

News, I don’t know about you… but it feels so much like Nixon all over again or the Clinton bull shit over oral sex…. When do we quit enabling these morons and hold them to the beliefs they spout but don’t live????

Never… of course, that is what religion and politics is about… smoke and mirrors and anything but truth, honesty, integrity, morals, values, ethics or equality…. nope religion and politics and other peoples fears is what rules our nation and most other countries….

No matter how much psychology or science is put out there…. mass hysteria of politics and religion will rule the day instead of common sense…

Once you give up your soul to a religion, you sold your humanity to that company store… and not one politican has had the balls, or brains… to stand up a say religion is just hookum….

But Trump and his base… just murdered our allies in Syria… Trump is the equlivent of a Anti Christ… and humans are just the devil in disguise… because their god will forgive them….

Wonder if every priest, preacher or boy scout leader thought that as they raped in the name of your god?????

I Remember… Margie….

Cataract Surgery Medication…. for your information only….

My first eye surgery on the right eye at the end of August… this is what the regiment was:

Diclofenac drops 4 times a day that is the pain med….

Ciprofloxacin drops 4 times a day that is antibiotic….

Prednisolone drops after surgery 4 times a day….

The duration for taking these is started on Sunday and Surgery was on Wednesday a few days later and the drops are used for up to 4 weeks…

The right eye, I was ready to rip it out… the pain medication Diclofenac was virtually useless costs $400+ at Walmart which was the cheapest and it didn’t do that good of job for the pain, the stinging or the discomfort….

The left eye surgery was last week on Wednesday… and I had forgotten to have my doctor order the drops when I did my physical… so the surgeon provided me with a subsitute sample for the pain med…. this is as follows…

Tuesday, day before surgery 1 drop of “Bromsite”… pain medication….

Tuesday, day before surgery 4 drops thru the day of the Ciprofloxacin antibiotic….

Thursday, day after surgery, I started the Prednisolone drops….this is a steroid…

The Bromsite has been the best for pain… I get up and the first thing I do, put the drops in about 5 minutes apart, so they can work effectively and the first drop I use… Bromsite for the pain….

I have not woke up and rubbed my eye, or messed with my eye… the left eye surgery with Bromsite for pain was and is a lot easier to deal with than the right eye that used Diclofenac for pain….

That was my scenario with my cataract surgery…. Right eye was hell for the first 2 weeks…. Left eye, quit bothering me by Sunday… 4 days after surgery….

Just a FYI for anyone going in for eye surgery…. I checked and I think, because I couldn’t see the numbers clearly, the Bromsite was less than $200 versus the Diclofenac which was over $400 at Walmart and over $500 at other pharmacies….

This is my cataract surgery results….

Now, as for vision… Glass’s are definite for me, I got the long range lens installed, so that I wouldn’t need glass’s when driving or watching TV… but up close, yep, I’ll need them to see clearly…..

Surgery was worth having done… I used my medicare and so far I expect to pay about $1,000 out of pocket for everything, including the eye drops I had to pay for, because I forgot to have the doc order from the VA…

I Remember…. Margie and how her eyes changed after her dad beat her an gave her a stroke at 14 years old, via mommy dearest…. I quit waiting on the VA to take care of me…. 100% service connected veteran and I am paying for my health care… yea for christians and Trump..

Supreme Court Judges playing God… so much for your fake god…humans are it…

WHO AN WHAT has a right to determine someones sexual orientation??? A bible written by jewish bigots a couple thousand years ago?????

The only one who can determine who an what we are…..

ME an yourself!!! Not some man made god that promotes idol worshipping!!!!!

I Remember Margie

Domestic Violence Makuu & 7th Street only occupied house…. Hawaii, HPP

Domestic violence is a big thing on Hawaii, that’s what you don’t hear about when you come to paradise… how violent the natives are and oh boy are they violent and children and women are the number one targets and thanks to Trump and his base, it won’t get any better, and a whole lot of kids and women will suffer… some men too… but mostly women and kids… It was a woman screaming earlier…

Cops came, no arrest, no ambulance nada…. men in power protecting men in power….

Been like that since christians came on the scene and made women less than men… don’t figure how they did it, but that is where they have kept women for several thousands of years because of christians…. other religions just fed off of it and put their own slavery in place against women….

So many I hear from defend their religion…

You don’t hear me defending how I was born…. atheist… you were born the same way, you just decided you needed a god in your life instead of yourself….

Our afternoon walk will be interesting… as I usually don’t go… today I will….

If hubby is going to get shot for calling the cops, I intend to have my finger on the button for recording and 911….. can’t let bastards like the one that beat up the woman run my neighborhood…

9 times out of 10, men are nothing but cowards…. Kavanaugh showed his cowardice by attacking Professor Ford…. Senator Graham showed his cowardice by attacking a Rape Survivor…. Trump showed his cowardice by locking everything up and transparanency was the last thing that christian plans to do….

The people up the street… christians and Hawiians…. their religion sure protected them today…. I doubt that woman will have much body that isn’t bruised and damaged…

I know… My body carries the scars 52 years later…. yea for christians and the anti christ they worship….

I Remember……

Domestic Violence happening at Makuu & 7th street… can still hear the vicitms screams…

On Hawaii the demonstrators have caused most of the cops to be pulled away from regular duties…

We called 911…… 30 mins ago and no one has showed up at the house yet to stop the beating that is happening….

We can hear the muffled cries of the victim, but we can not do anything…

We called the people who can… and because of the demonstration on Mauna Kea…

The police can not protect anyone from the rampid domestic violence that fills Hawaii’s islands…

We will never be able to walk past that house again, they could hear me screaming the cops are coming…

Still no cops…

Yep Mr. Trump, you and your christian base has taken America back to a time of depravity…. idol worshipers to the core with cross, crown of thorns, yada, yada yawn….

We hope the police show up, but we are doubting it and will have to watch our backs from here on out, because they already let a couple animals die by cars in front of the house and beating each other up, is the normal for that household…

Still no cops…

I wonder what kind of nightmares I will have as I sleep with one eye open till we leave or they move….

I Remember…..

Ooops, PTSD & Amnesia….

What I had planned to write, got side tracked…

I knew when I flunked the test to go in the military at 18, something was off… other moments in time, a comment here, and interjection there…. so many clues along the way helped… but the one that got my attention, the excuse the Air Force used to push me out, when they wanted the rape and attempted murder of my kids to go away….. the psych eval said “Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder”… it’s on my DD214… an a few years later, 2 psych evals by the VA… say PTSD…. so we know the Air Force one, was an incompetent evaluation… because the PTSD had been going on since I was a child….

The clues, were how mental health would respond to questions that were so complicated, it told me they had no clue about mental health and my hate and disgust for the field grew… not all are like that… there are some good ones in mental health… but few an far between…..

Questions asked of Freda & Peggy and how similar their lies were… another clue… an when my older brother showed up in Seattle after not seeing each other since the night I died… his subversive behavior told me he was protecting Freda… oh she is good… the master manipulator was so good… now you get why I could see what the Air Force did in plain sight and all I could do… fight for VA and prove I should have been medically discharged… kind of glad I wasn’t… the income would have cost us more than it would be worth… my way was better…. but that DD214 needs changing and it will never be…

PTSD and learning psychology these last 40 years… and Freda denying me information… that is what told me I was truly missing memory… the shrink at El Paso saying I had this edetic memory thing, I think he was close… I think it’s the unique way I make memories… but it’s just my brain, what do I know……

The anger part of this journey, will never be fully closed… to give it up and forgive, is to let them win with their bullshit religious crap and not hold them accountable… We enable each other so much, we don’t hold each other accountable…..

Not so in my world… Reality over what you want it to be, but the reality of what it is….

PTSD… the depression part is gone… been through enough crap the last few months to trigger a major depression and it’s not happening… and it’s because of the amnesia…

My fathers death was anything but good, he died with a bunch of kids bickering over the sex of angels and them wanting to deny him pain meds, because he could get addicted as he’s dying??? Insanity at it’s best… I left and never looked back… and hopefully now that Freda knows I remember…

I won’t be any place near, when her time comes… if life is good… she will pay at lifes hands… not mine….

So yep, the PTSD has helped with the amnesia and doubt… Still need to see neurology, thinking more tests are in order… but I also need to back off the pot, my brain might think a little different, well maybe, okay kind of… nope… it won’t change anything except how fast I type….

I Remember… Margie….

PTSD helped with my Amnesia…. Face Book is a christian platform…. did ya know???

You read articles about amnesia and no two are alike and I have yet to find one that even gets close to my scenario… or story… or life….

I see bits and pieces in movies that come out… and I mean just the trailers… I haven’t watched a drama or anything that they say is remotely based on real life… why??? Because I already lived it and died because of it… and it is humans hiding behind religion…

It has no other name, except the name humans put on IT… and IT is the worse of all evil and the biggest mental health issue in the world…. because leaders and politicans use IT to control YOU…. easy peasy…..

Once I let go the delusion of religion, my world has opened up in so many ways… I took away the psychological crutch holding me back from growing… christianity…. once I dumped that mumbo jumbo… life has gotten a whole lot better and less complicated….

It’s like watching that woman who is pushing abolishing abortion, because she can’t handle the guilt of the 2 abortions she got… so the whole nation needs to be as miserable as she is, because she can’t own her choices…

Just like Freda & Peggy not owning the choices they made to make my life a living hell, through the non stop abuse they dished out and how they manipulate their loved ones… to keep this secret… so they push a god, they know is not real… because other wise… they have to own their actions and choices and they mentally are not able…. just like the abortion lady… so too Brutas with my family….

I have made some poor choices in life, but now that I know I had a major brain injury and multiple strokes… and the location of said injuries… dictated my actions and my struggle against those actions… they were so not me, but that is what brain injury does… it changes and takes from who you really are and it’s a never ending battle to get back to what can never be….

But I own my choices in life… and I have paid dearly for them… in every manner life can offer…. my death… that was the choice my parents made over the baby not of my dads blood… and the damage to my siblings, is ongoing today… because Freda won’t own her life and Peggy won’t own her lies…. thus the christian downfall of a family that never was, because of mans god they hide behind….

Do you realize Face Book is a christian run organization and even though people profess to be atheist they make use of that christian platform and they are helping the christian platform, not hurting it, because face book is shadow banning… meaning what you post isn’t likely seen by that many….

Makes me wonder is the blogging community doing the same… I don’t want to be like you or anything similiar…

I intend to be me, the person who was born atheist and isn’t afraid of man’s gods…. they bleed just like every one else… only a human turns a man into a god and makes it real… in their minds…. but to them it is so real…

So is their mental illness… Just look at Trump, Pence, Kavanaugh, Barr & Pompeo… all christians and raping America, like it’s their own private world….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix its self…

Not in my life time will that happen…fixing stupid I mean….

I Remember… Margie….

Review notes about dental after Endo….

About May 2017… I needed a root canal… Navy, good dentist, was who the VA sent me too… and he wanted a follow up 6 months later… never got a call and I just got to thinking about what was going on with the Hilo & Oahu VA and oh my goodness, did they leave a trail of negligence….

We know the endo doc requested a follow up, why wouldn’t he, he’s civilian, that’s how they make money, so it’s not his office that messed up and about that time I was fighting to get the rectocell procedure done on Oahu by a Board Certified OB/GYN/Urologist and yes they exist for women and this was a woman surgeon… best major surgery I ever had and working hard to keep it from failing because of my dental crisis….

Anyhow… that should have been the first signal flare I recognized… when the Endo follow-up was not done… it had to go through Hilo VA… and they were the ones I got the senator to go after, so spotlight and yet they still worked to deny me care and here we sit…

I took a large black plum and had to slice it up into bite size pieces… I could see that if I was 110 years old, but at 65???? Who ever decided my life needed to be hell, did a good job… only one problem… I already been there and came back and what is waiting for them, is anything but what they expect… and that is from experience…..

I have one lower tooth that is getting all the action, even though I have all my lower teeth, just no molars… and this cuspid… I hope it holds out, but the way it is throbing… a root canal is in the future… all because some dumb ass moron at the Hilo & Oahu VA decided it was their turn to play god….

At least the CBC showed no more infection and I haven’t had any heat in my skull, except when the abnormal wave did it’s thing before surgery…. no sinus issue, except the normal and only mouth pain is from the dentures…. wow… I wish we were home…

This shouldn’t be happening, but it is and this is just one of those times like when I was raped or beaten to death… I don’t get to make all the choices concerning my own life… the VA has a say, but not much and not much longer…

More things are going on than I say… you do know how to keep an asshole in suspense???

Aloha….

I Remember… Margie…. Sgt. USAF DAV

Holy Crap on a Cracker…. I’m Speechless!!!

Making a big pot of beans, various kinds, with some good ole fashion baked bean sauce and a nice big kabalsa, chopped up small enough for me to chew… and I take a taste and I think I oooooops with the peppers… but oh so good… as it sit’s and cools for baking later… the phone rings… so plays the following script….

Dental clinic calling and can I come in this week for a fitting for the new partial… did someone decide that enough of the god bull shit and did their job at the Hilo & Oahu VA???….

The call was 100% professional, informing me, not me asking questions… they informed me, asking if I had heard from the oral surgeons office yet… yada, yada, yawn…

Okay I’m stunned… in our clinic, yea, we would be doing that quick of a turn around on a situaiton like mine, except the patient would have had the roots removed the same day… we would have opened the clinic to take care of the patient… best job I ever had, working with patients… anyhow…

Like I thought, with the VA putting my health at risk, the autonomic neuropathy is very unpredictable… and I am dealing with a host of other issues, I don’t talk about… because I want the doctors to confirm my diagnosis…..

Impants… beginning to think that is very viable an not wishful thinking… you got to do the wishful thinking, when dealing with VA health care… I started using the VA in 1984… and a nightmare is a undertatement… hubby gets better care than me….and he’s my dependent…. and I’m the vet… really do get what the Vietnam vets dealt with, not only as my patients but with the system….. so much bigotry in the VA and most of the employees are vets… got your back doesn’t mean, once they leave uniform… found that out first hand, these last 15 years…. I’m just smarter and never let my care lapse, took longer, but never lapsed….

So, going in this week to try the wax partial and if super lucky, I could have a functioning denture in a couple weeks… my gums will hate me, but my smile will be smiling back at me…

That is the only thing about a upper denture… if you read the blog, you know I have been strangled, and one of the pictures I used in the blog, show the bruise marks on my neck, face, body… that poor baby… anyhow… gag reflex’s are off the chart for me… makes me love my electric toothbrush, my involuntary movenments don’t make me gag myself… so hoping who ever makes this new one… is just as good as the maker at the El Paso VA dental lab… best fitting ever….

Exciting news… and surprising… printing out a couple of pictures that shows the dentist my true smile and bite… really am looking forward to eating properly again, I hope….. pain free, not going to happen… the partials have been painful since day 1… that was 2010….. fit good, well made, but for me, always painful to wear… so why make me suffer and wait for implants… has to be the IG complaints… so much for integrity, honesty, truth, values… it’s like Americas soul got sucked out when it took up relgion…. and humanity was thrown in the dumpster… becasue of fear….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Looking for the Memories and why are the living Silent???

Not much sleep, the autonomic is having a field day and the partials are helping at night, but my is the gum sore… so sore, I brushed my teeth and used the toothpaste as a numbing agent, it’s that sensodine sensitive stuff… and it helps… but that poor mandible tooth that is 1 tooth that is taking a pounding an my mandible hurts all the way into the TMJ…. WHY is the VA making me suffer??? What did I do to those yahoo federal employees??? Guess you just look at Trump and enough said about thin skin federal employees…. at least hubby gets quality health care because of my service… me the vet, haven’t seen it yet and I been a veteran since 1977…………….. yea America….

I start to dream and I get woke up, because I have cotton mouth… not from smoking, but from my mouth not working like it should because the throat and tongue are doing the autonomic neuropathy act at night…. the shoulders hurt, an today, exercise that won’t get heart rate up, but will help with this added stress my body is being forced to endure because of a federal employee at the Hilo VA clinic… I really hope life catches up with that person, like it’s happening to Trump…. Waited 30 years to see that asshole brought down… told ya, when you work certain federal jobs, you get exposed to the reality of what real life is and not the spin doctor preachers or priest idea of reality….or Trumps….

What surprises me, I’m not pissed and letting it be known kind of pissed… nope, the dentist let me vent and I thanked him for it… they know I am beyond frustrated, or we wouldn’t have offered to pay for my care… the VA just happen to coincide with that moment in time… on Saturday….

I already took a pain pill this morning… and my kidney is letting me know, it’s not happy about the dosage… cranberry juice stocked up on and Vit c being taken to protect the bladder…. and a higher dose of magnesium to keep the rectocell surgery from being undone…. none of this is fun, but imagine if I didn’t have the knowledge of what needed to be done… the result would be catastrophic and that’s isn’t a joke or drama… that is reality of knowledge over religion….

I control my destiny right now and am very happy with my knowledge to protect me… it’s the only thing that has protected me from christians and their corruption…. my thoughts just went to the Riverside 12… I so hope they are getting the counseling and support they will need to find them selves….

So many hurt, so many children lives destroyed for a god that doesn’t exist…because you fear life, instead of living it…..

But your god will forgive you and if the victims do… they haven’t become survivors yet…. because forgiveness is a religious head fake, and that you can take to the bank…why??? Because the living have to admit what they did and that will never happen as long as their god forgives them… the vicitims have no value, so why should the perpretrators???….

I Remember… Margie….

Truth??? Why Are Christians Afraid of the TRUTH????

If you are a christian???

why are you so afraid of the truth… Truth that can be proven, walked on, stood on, torn apart….

WHY are CHRISTIANS afraid of the truth???

I remember Margie before christians murdered an raped her….

Shadow Banning???

Is that happening in the blogging world???

Do you even know what the title means???

Freedoms are only as good as the people allowing those freedoms….

Men in uniform died recently, not a word from our leader… Those men died for no reason, because of Trump an base…

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember Margie…

Exiting the Rabbit Hole….

I want to scream from the roof tops and tell everyone… I have had amnesia for 52 years!!! and there are people alive, who can give me answers… but they are afraid they will have to admit their lives have been a lie……….

And that thought slips off for another trip around the block of insanity…. straight jacket, padded walls… naw, think I’ll pass….

Other than having some questions for neurology about the abnormal brain wave… the answers have been coming on their own… enough more stress and I might grow extra organs… it has been known to happen to humans, grow extra organs…. body I would do… brain…. no thanks….

No depression, a little melancholy, but that is about it…

Wrapping my head around the fact I died at 13 and no one told me… or that I had strokes and seizures and no one told me… talk about government cover up…. geez….they never quit…

I blame that on religion, forefathers warned… no one listened… so here we go again with a crooked christian in the white house and loads of them in the senate… must make my cousin George proud… oh, it’s not Martha that is a cousin… It was George Washington… his momma is a Ball, an that’s my mothers line…. funny what you find out when you can see the screen….

It was easier to wrap my head around Washingtons connection to the family, than it was to comprehend the horror Margie endured….

And that is the crux of the issue… I remember much, more than the family wants me too and if my guess is right… more is to come… memories hit every day… but I don’t analyze them like I did…

Nope, I am back to living life… dealing with life and just … living it…. coping and figuring how to accomplish the goals we have set for ourselves….

The chaos… only happens now, when the wave starts and the heat hits my skull… but that seems to be about it… it would seem… Margie is enjoying her stroll and is crossing each memory as it approaches….

I am curious if a year from now, will I have remembered all???… 2 years since I remembered my death…. this next year, will be busy but not stressful… we are leaving here… either next fall or early the spring of 2021… but we are going home… not a matter of if… just when….

I remember… Margie….

Full Circle….

I am back to doing the things I enjoy doing… and that doesn’t involve a lot of people… just hubby outside playing, dogs napping quietly and me, able to see what I am looking at, okay kind of… well, sort of….

The right eye likes to do the prism thing and the left eye, gets tired, since surgery was just a few days ago…

I’m looking forward to being able to read and do things that have been an issue for a long time….

My right eye, it’s clouded and they say it can happen, not sure how they fix that, I think it’s a laser and done in office… the right side of the head received the most trauma and blows to it… that an the frontal area… the occipital I don’t count, that was a kid being stupid and mean, so those I write off for what they were… hate….

I think right now, it’s fatigue, I spend about a hour doing ancestry, another hour playing and that’s about all I can handle right now… looking forward to the end of the month… just so my eyes are settled down enough to get glass’s….

Knowing how the VA system works and the fact that I am in a health crisis, because of the Hilo VA… the implants will get started… but I don’t expect a appt until Dec or Jan for the surgical consult for the implants…. so we are planning what we want to do, for the next year or two… once approved, it’s all up to surgeons schedule and my healing… 9 months to 18 months… ugh… that long with wearing a full upper denture… not enough pot on the planet to dull that pain… this is so not going to be fun….

But, we will make the most of it… if we are here that long, hubby plans to install the rest of the pergo flooring… which will help make the house cooler, with no carpet… winter project planned… oh yea…

No holiday celebrating… we’ll just donate locally like we always do and that will be it… flooring will run us about $2000 with trim, pad, yada, yada, yawn…. thats our holiday…

Room is warming up, trying to keep AC off today… tired of being closed up…

Have a nice day, Hawaii is….

I Remember… Margie….

Our Choices Rule the Day??? Hilo VA Clinic Dental Implants Yes or No??? quit playing Trumps games, I am human not a number… Sgt. USAF DAV 100% service connected…

Sort of melancholy type of day…. sleep, okay, but could be better… Stress, not really… VA is doing their job in a snails fashion and it could mean up to 2 more years on Hawaii and right now, with the attitude of the people, this falls into the category of FIGMO…. when you were stuck some place you would rather not be… and that’s only because of the attitude of a couple drivers on our private roads… us white, them not so much… sigh… I have lived with others bigotry since birth… so ready for that garlic farm and moat….

The choices others made have impacted my whole life, makes ya wonder why suicide wasn’t part of the picture??? That answer is easy… I already died once, why would I want to do it again at my own hand… when christians had already been successful…..

Probably why I’m a half glass full type, you got me and I did just shrug my shoulders… but I don’t see myself that way… I just refuse to give up, and that makes more sense and nod my head in agreement…

Freda couldn’t break me and that is what they envy… the head viper couldn’t break me, like she did the rest of her kids… wow…. Dad Don…. was just a tool for Freda… once we got bigger than her, she let him do the beating… all the while she was the master controller and still is…. but she knows her god… thats me, just a FYI….

I hold the truth behind the fake image…. My ancestry program gave me access to public records, ya know address, phone numbers… hope lil bro did the necessary with credit companies to keep current info private… but not from what I saw…. we should drop in for the holidays or mothers day some year…. maybe…. knock, knock……

This memory ability, it’s not hitting me all at once and when a load of memories flood in, it’s like watching a twilight zone movie… because as they play out, so do the emotions play through… as if the moments in time were happening at that very minute….

ya know that has been going on for decades and I didn’t understand what I was seeing and dismissed it for so long… The memories have always been there like the neurologist said… it’s up to me, how much I am willing to look at and here next month Nov 7th… will be 2 years since I remembered my own death… from 52 years ago….

I haven’t found an amnesia case like mine yet… now that I have eyesight on the big monitor… I will be researching neuro and psychology again… hoping to have some questions for neuro, when ever the VA gives me an appointment… which the way things are going… I’ll probably have the doc refer me under medicare, once all the eye surgery bills come in an are paid… we want to leave here, not build debt… and the eyes have to settle down to be useful, not headach pushed useful…..

Quite morning, beautiful blue sky kind of morning… and it will be hot… next electric bill should push $400, because of the AC and not being able to dry all the clothes outside, because we have had so much rain…. one wet muggy blanket is what it feels like…. so AC it is… last night was cool and comfortable with the house open… so at least at night we can shut it down…

I hope they resolve Hawaii’s issues… seen this before and all you can do is watch, it’s their fight and I watched the documentary on how the islands were taken from them… no different than what Putin is doing in Ukraine…

but the Aloha… when you have people who have lived their whole lives here and are older than us and they tell you Aloha is no more… that is a telling sign for troubles for these islands…. and I’m ready to go home…

So VA tell me what the hell are you doing??? Implants or more forced continued pain??? Answer Hilo VA Clinic, how much more pain do I have to endure for your bigotry????

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% Service Connected

I Remember…. Margie….

Ugh, WHY???

Last night was rough, an I knew it could be… but had to try, so my maxillary gums can recover at night, none went well…

About 1AM, I was taking a cyclobenazprine 10mg, to make my TMJ relax, so my tongue would un=seize…about 2AM the pill took effect an relaxed my facial muscles…

At least my doc listened an gave me the drug to help me cope with the loss of teeth…thank you HILO, VA, Hawaii for denying me care, the blog is hubby evidence if things go south for me…

One thing I noticed wearing the partials at night the last couple, I don’t clench my jaw or hold it tight with the partials…

Always trying to cope with a situation other humans playing god made… if you think its rough for me, put Trump in the white house for another term an you’ll get a true taste of hell on earth, that dude cares about his skin only an that does not include you…

Sgt USAF DAV 100% service connected veteran fighting for what king Trump took away… MY HEALTHCARE!!!!! #NotMyPresident or fake religion….

Bugs are out….

Getting to that time of year, where the light from the monitor attracts bugs… and with tracers in my eyes, I don’t want to swing at the monitor in mistake thinking its a bug… At home, the cold would eliminate that issue….

Trying to leave the partial out, and see if I can keep the jaw or TMJ from jacking up and spasming… if this had to happen, like the dentist said, things are in the works, not timely things, but the molasses does eventually hit the floor….

Eating… oh boy, eating… so far it’s okay, but my mouth is sore and it showed when the dentist examined and said, you are using your left side to chew and yep I am… the partials are torture and pain meds taken… so leave out and see if sleep is possible… always try, before giving up…the most I’ll lose is a little sleep….

It does look more like the VA is boxed them selfs in and implants are a definite now, and done here on Hawaii… I so wanted to be home before the great grandsons started talking… but a year late is better than not at all….

I figure if they start by Jan of 2020… we should be able to pack up in the spring of 2021 and go home… if they start sooner, we could be home this time next year, in time for the holidays….

Always have hope that things will work out… my choices aren’t always the choices others make and those choices invarably can impact mine…

Eyesight… it’s been interesting… I have to admit the drug they wanted me to try so they can recommend to other patients, because it’s half the price… works much better than the expensive stuff and my eye does not bother me like the last procedure did… so they get a thumbs up on this new pain drug for the eye… 3 days of stinging versus a couple weeks… yep I’ll take it and the sting is barely noticeable today….

I can see, but not the Iphone or Ipad… it’s screen is to small for me and I can’t see print… books, papers, yada, yada, yawn…. readers in a couple weeks is what the doc recommended….

As for everything else… the new lens work great and readers is all I will need…. it’s just you get tired and I have been pushing mine….

Night folks… enough bright light…

I Remember… Margie….

I Annoy You??? that took a lot of practice….

Not really…. when I knew as a toddler how to get under Freda’s skin… mommy dearest… I pushed the buttons often… well maybe not often, but often enough, my body shows how she responded… lets put it that way…

some people find my story offensive… gee, you ought to be me if that’s the case… some feel sorry for me… now that one you got me… they didn’t do the crime, so why the empathy??? and some like today, get very uncomfortable, because they have never been exposed to the violence I grew up with and thought was normal??? Not really on that one either….

The dentist gives me uncomfortable looks and when I tried to explain that I was wearing the partials at night, because of the missing teeth… not real sure he understands how my autonomic neuroapthy is life threatening…. doesn’t really matter what he thinks, the VA is paying and I am bitching at him… but you kind of want people to get what you deal with…. and that aha moment happened, while we were BS’ing in the living room…..

The only one that matters as far as opinions on what I am dealing with????

ME….. duh…..

It goes back to changing the way I think and solve problems… I need no recognition on my accomplishments thus far on this crazy journey… validation of intelligence has been done twice by VA professionals… and injuries and medical records all point to one thing…

Domestic violence endured in a christian home for the first 18 years of my life…. do you know???

No one to this day has laid a hand upon me to casue phsyical harm since Don… daddy dearest hit me when I was 17 years old on Okinawa…. Rape, yea thats been done by the Air Force…. but physical hitting… no one has ever touched me…since the parents did…

I was once told that the look on my face when someone did raise their hand against me scared them so bad, they never thought to do it again… I am very expressive… especially now that I am a toothless cougar…. my girlfriends say I am a cute one though… I try not to laugh to hard, when I do my routine…. couple months and something to wear in the interim…..

Autonomic neuropathy is the scary one… it plays with my heart, esphoagus, larynx, stomach, and intestines…. losing teeth is making me learn something new with sleep and cyclobenzaprine has been taken to get the spasms in my neck and throat to quit, so my jaw isn’t frozen… implants will give the tongue it’s proper place, for now, it’s try not to bite it with the teeth I got… I never felt the dentist poke in the area exposed… the nerve damage to my maxillary is progressing… bet the implant process isn’t all that painful, wonder if that will be a good thing???…. but put pressure on the partials and I wence in pain…. so they are fun when it comes to eating…

Day is hot… Traffic was crazy…attitudes of people some friendly, most are hostile… ready to get this over with and find out if they are going to do implants… so we can plan to move home, if we were there, I would have already had the roots removed and the denture being expidited…. but still, at least, this save me a couple grand, with the VA approval… never in the 5 1/2 years as a dental tech, did we ever make a patient wait more than a day to do extractions… if it meant over time, we did over time… patients were our priority… not so with the VA, go figure on that………

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie….

U.S.A. Health care the government joke on taxpayers….

Hubby is my dependent, he needs anything, what medicare does not cover, CHAMPVA does… and I have yet to spend any money on his deductable or healthcare since 2004….. not bad for being my dependent… and I’m the veteran…

Yet for me… my medicare, I do have to pay a deductable and if the VA wants to take years to do surgery, I can use my medicare and pay for it, even though the damage done was by a VA surgeon???????

I just did my eyes on medicare and so far out of pocket, we are hitting $500 and the hospital bills haven’t come in yet… so I expect the cataract surgery the VA should have paid for, will cost me about $2000…. and I am 100% Service connected disabled veteran…. and my health care, ALL of it is covered???!!!! but not according to the way Trump runs our government… you have to beg for what you earned, because you didn’t swear loyalty to him, but to the nation!!!!!

And that nation has shit on veterans for so long, it’s just every day occurence….

VA health care is VA death care… flat and simple…. and I told my dentist enough of this bull shit, if the VA wasn’t going to authorize care, I would pay for it and raise hell against the VA later and make that hell very public, like in half page newspaper ads, I already know the cost to do one!!!!

I don’t get mad, I get even and I am fed up with my neighbor the federal employees corruption and using my health care as a hostage, so they can play god!!!! just like god Trump and Jesus Pence are doing!!!!

Rant over…. yep I am beyond livid and pissed and it will pass as soon as I go sit an smoke a couple bowls of calming pot…..

Impressions taken, it will be a few weeks for the wax model to come in and then a few more weeks after that for the denture to show up… I did stress to the doctor the pain wearing dentures causes and that the implants were not a want but a need….. just depends on the yahoo at the Hilo VA clinic playing god…

Frankly, may I call you frank???? I think this person will pay…. life has a nasty habit of leveling the playing field… but this person who is victimizing veterans on the Hilo side of Hawaii… your day will come…. and I hope I hear about it…. small satisfaction for such a great injustice, but you have to stay above the fray or get drawn down to their depravity….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Dentist has VA approval Hilo, Hawaii??? Medicare for all, when the VA can’t take care of VETS???

Happy, not really… this shouldn’t be happening… my doctor requested implants in May 2018…. this is Oct 2019!!!!

Hubby called clinic to get me in on emergency and they were in fact calling us… VA approved the new partial… so that just saved us a few grand… but that request was put in over a month ago!!!

I wouldn’t be in this mess if a federal employee at the Hilo VA clinic wasn’t playing god with veterans health care on the island… and I’m not the only patient this person has targeted and she is still employed at the Hilo VA… shame really, and I have seen this first hand at El Paso VA, Arkansas VA… and Tuscon VA…. 2 of those I filed IG complaints and my health care went in the toilet after that…

So for all the yelling going on in Washington about corruption… it’s going on with your neighbor, mom, dad, brother or sister… it’s not the organizations that are corrupt…

It’s the christian employees, that swore a oath to a nation while swearing their god was first and foremost….

So much for patient care and honest christians….

Anyway,…. dentist is taking impressions today, evaluating the roots and documenting the pain…. hopefully by Thanksgiving I’ll have a new upper denture… because I only got 2 or 3 teeth left on the right upper side… and If I can’t feel those either… they won’t last much longer… Trigeminal nerve is showing it’s ugly involvement from domestic violence…

Nope I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for corrupt chrisitan federal employees and the christian parents that were anything but christian….

Rant over…. I have oral surgery again in my future, when this could have all been done at one visit instead of 3!!! so invasive is this lousy health care that keeps compromising my health… and they want medicare for all???? They can’t even take care of VETERANS!!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV !00 % service connected….. I remember… Margie….

Word Press KEEP OUT!!!

Leave my page alone, quit screwing with your screw ups!!!

If I have to sign in again… Hmmmmm wonder what kind of bizzare rant I can come up with that gets the attention of everyone!!!

Quit messing with it… leave it alone, it works for me and I’m not interested in playing your game anymore….

Word Press EMPLOYEES KEEP OUT!!!!!!

Always wanted to do that to authority, never had privacy at home and it’s obvious I have zero privacy with this blog site…. yea I know mine is public… but this back door crap by word press EMPLOYEES is getting extremely old!!!

KEEP OUT!!!!!

Living with the knowledge Christians Hate you… which is so unchristian???

The major stroke happened in 1967, I was 13 years old and it was given to me by my father Don Bagwell and mother Freda….

Prior to the age of 13, I experienced a brain injury at 5, via Freda… another one via Freda at 8, the one at 13 cost me my life and 9 months that are gone from the memory banks…. the stroke on Japan… that is what triggered this write…

They showed a military member surprising his daughter at school… what I got from my dad, the promise he made after he killed me… because I never celebrated a birthday at 13, or 14… no both times I was recovering from a stroke caused by mommy dearest and daddy dearest did the beating… by the time 17 got here I had one more TIA, via a blow to my head by daddy dearest…

So dad, kept his promise about a gift I would remember…

It takes fortitude to look at stories like the GI coming back from deployment and see the love…. I never experienced anything but violence in a christian home who lived by the bible in public… but once that door closed….

It became hell on earth and the bible just a good piece of fiction….

You would think I would have a olympic size pool of resentment… nope… I keep telling ya….

52 years of amnesia and counting…. What I do remember, just exposes the christians for what they are… humans hiding behind a religion to get away with murder… our own leader is promoting murdering of the whistleblower, or shooting immigrants in the legs… sounds a lot like Hitler… or Kim of NK…. yet our leader is a chrisitan… and that does show you christianity is a tool people in power use to scare you of your own shadow…

Hate to tell, ya…

no I don’t…. I died… there is no flowers, signing, family, hugs, or love… just total and complete darkness… that is the reality of death… not the bull shit Dr. Oz promotes… that is religious head fake…

So I watch feel good stories about real people and I look and think, is it all just an act, because they are….

Christian????? or is it a human being, being human???

there is a difference by the way… you never have to tell me you are christian… your life tells me…and what trail of tears you left in your wake…and to this day, I have NEVER met a true christian, muslim, buddast, hindu… nada… they don’t exist on this planet, except in the mind of the followers…which doesn’t make it real to anyone but themselfs….

I Remember… Margie….

3 full minutes to sign into Word Press!!!

Really????? Had to go track down the Iphone or Ipad… dig out the password book and sit here and wait, while the communications take a full 3 minutes FOR ME TO SIGN INTO A SITE I NEVER SIGNED OUT OF! Pushing 50 signs ins!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAD A GOOD SUBJECT TO WRITE ABOUT… UNTIL I HAD TO FIGHT TO GET INTO THIS FUCKING WEB SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love & Marriage and the toothless cougar….

I remember the day, when having curves was not something I was thrilled about… It brought unwanted attention… but I had fun with it as any brain injured human would…you have to know the psychology behind behavior of a TBI person… to get that meaning… I still blush at some of the things I did…..

I have a condition… it’s totally unfiltered and it has a very short leash…. the eye surgeon recomended I get on YouTube, he said what I did in the operating room had them in stitches…. bududum…….

I remember as a child before the first brain injury, my personality was different, more subdue, introvert type kid…. after the first head injury… it started changing… and by the time I was strangled and suffered a TIA is my guess, who I was, was fast fading away… Margie was building her cell….

By the time 13 got there, and the baby not of dad’s blood… Margie was in survival mode, but oh, she had a quick quip off her tongue when needed and the little ones, knew, she was there…. even though the spy was always among us….

When Margie died that fateful night in Big Springs, Texas… life was taking a back road for a few decades… and Maggi would be at the reins… and she fought so hard for Margie… always fighting against the peers who lived on gossip and not facts… so much like Trumps followers and base… what a evil world the religious have created….

As time passed and other life altering events, a childs life saved from a gas filled sucidal night…. the river that took many the same day… to fighting health care providers who cost a child so much…. an the events of marriages and divorces, move here to there… the nightmares intensified… the PTSD was in full mode…..

First diagnosis of PTSD 1998 Spokane VA… confirmed by El Paso VA 2010…

The first moment knowing I was missing memory… 2010, I stood in Fredas kitchen and told her I was… she replied…”some things are best not remembered”… my mother withheld life saving information….

By 2018 Dec 26, the MRI that sang from the roof tops… STROKE & TIAs… how many, know one can tell me… When, no one can tell me… Mother is not talking…

But Margie is….

I Remember…. Margie….

On a different note the eyesight is good, the eyes get tired, and I spend time on the PC doing visual exercises, but readers a must… bright light, not a big fan yet… as for the mouth… other than reminding myself of a relative from days of old… we are preparing our meals to accomodate my ability to eat… a little pain, but so does my eye hurt, so pop a strong NSAID and sit back an wait… nothing I can do… see dentist tomorrow or Monday… it is Hawaii….

#$%^&*&^%##

Just about how I feel…. jumped on hubby, he tried playing matyr with our diet…

If I can get up in the middle of the night, grab a handful of choclate chips from the freezer and chew them… I got this covered… not happy about what I am going to have to do… but I got it figured out already…so hubby, is on his way to the store, to pick up a few extra supplies, some of that food, I can deal with….

I have no way to bite and tear food, those upper teeth are gone and the partial only has 2 upper molars and that leaves 2 on the other side and thats it… just picture your kid when they lost those front teeth, I just only have 2 left…. if the partial breaks, I will have only the right side for chewing and my TMJ will only allow that for so long and holy crap, will it ever be a pain in the ass….

Which it has been anyway, my weight is staying down because of the last 15 months of dental issues…. yep this is government health care at it’s best… get ya to join the military and they screw ya from the get go…. okay enough whine….

One thing I have noticed since the bridge broke off last night…. my right side hits high on the partial… that means the tooth is dropping or the partial is to high… regardless, adjustment needed, since this will be my way of keeping my breathing good… which it’s working, got on the elliptical and did my time to get heart up just a little, still restricted on that, and did okay…

So it’s all about adjusting to the issues at hand, accomodating them and making sure I have options…. and telling the dentist, put the bill under my maiden name and lets fix the partial with teeth, so that at least I have something to hold me till the VA gets to it or we leave here… either way, I will have a new denture in the next 6 weeks, because I’m paying… I am over waiting on VA death care…..

Still restricted on activities… whining over with… time to play, while hubby goes to town….

Have a beautiful day, we are… hot, muggy, lots of rain and blue sky… everything so green…. at least I can wander around my property and not be concerned….

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie…

Toothless Cougar….

Thank you Hilo Veterans health clinic of Hawaii… thanks to you, I now have no functioning maxillary teeth…. and the surgeons office swore you kids were so good about taking care of us veterans…. I guess that just does not include women veterans who don’t put up with vulgar children working for the federal government… It’s bad enough Trump acts like a 2 year old, now the majority of federal employees do the same, because Trump gets away with it… so much for government quality health care…. never experienced it in the military or the VA…. ever…. not so with civilian care….

Queens medical major surgery Feb last year…. I had 2 procedures at Hilo Medical and both places showed me Hawaii’s true Aloha spirit… which is so lacking at the VA and most places on the island we go to… and those places, won’t see me at all, unless I have no choice… now that I am a toothless cougar… imagine… great granma in a bikini… very possible, with no teeth to bite and tear with…. life just got very interesting….

I do have 2 molars left on the left upper side and the partial adds 2 molars to the right side… those are my chewing devices so I can swallow my food… but I have already noticed the loss of teeth impacts my breathing when laying down, so no back sleeping, only side… it impacts my ability to talk and it impacts my ability to swallow liquids… so, it’s like learning how to be a 5 year old again, when you are losing your baby teeth… it’s doable, but with all my neuropathy issues, it is painfully difficult…

It will be wearing the partials 24 hours a day, taking them out to clean and allow the gums to breath… but it’s the only way I could breath after going to bed… boy am I finding out what my patients endured… but with them, we did the exptractions an put the dentures in immediately… they never went without teeth, like the VA is doing to me…. it’s like they plan to destroy the rectocell procedure and make me get a pelvic floor rebuild… issues are already arising, blood reflects my juggling things to make the body function and still get my nutrients before it leaves me…. never have I ever had such poor dental health care in 65 years…. never…. and it’s all because of an employee at the Hilo Hawaii VA clinic…. 1 person playing god again… just like Trump….

Dental clinic closed today, so it’s next week before seen and VA paperwork done to get roots extracted, which will likely not be until the end of the month or next month!!! Which is ludicrious!!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

VA Dental Work Just Failed…

Icing on the cake… the last bridge work that handled my top front teeth, just broke off in my hands….

My heart is racing out of it’s chest…..

What am I suppose to eat with now???

I told the dentist last year that bridge had failed and here I sit, with a 4 piece bridge that shows the teeth they were attached too, rotten to the root…

Explains the headaches, sinus issues and pain…. Can I not catch a break???

I have no functioning way to talk… there is no longer any structure to my mouth…. I just want to throw up…. This should not have happened and I should not be in this kind of health issue problem….

Already the rectocell is letting me know about my eating, if that surgery fails, I am looking at a pelvic floor rebuild… how would you like your vagina sewn shut????

All because a federal employee at the Hilo office decided to play god…

Well they are winning… I have no way to eat… and a soft diet is only tolerable for a very short while and it will start coming back up… and there goes the damage to my esphoagus…..

Now Hawaii is hell on earth for me… If we were home, the dentist would have me in his chair in the morning, removing the roots and taking impressions for a denture… but not here… it could be months if ever… and now I am feeling pain were the roots are exposed…

Last thing I need to be doing is throwing up and putting pressure on my newly operated eye….

What did I ever do to you people…. would be the question a sick person would ask…

I just keep trying to figure out, how to get some care and afford it…

Emergency call to the dentist in the morning…..

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% service connected… all those rapes I was forced to endure and I still get nada…. just raped again…..

Choices….

lots of choices๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿฅณ

We did the norm, shopping, since we were out an about….

Naturally Halloween candy is out….

Since I am restricted on activity, the lesser calories, are these candies…

When ya get older, you get fatter, only because those calories have been kicked off a young body, they needs a home too…

Only got 1 childhood halloween memory, around boob beating time….

But I got loads of adult memories, one with a picture… I will write about it an share the pic…. what a fun crazy night….

I remember…Margie

Yea… I can see… sort of…

When they took the patch off, I could read the smallest print on the chart… next page, not so well… but still, what I read was very small….

Being on the Ipad or Iphone, not going to do me much good over the next few weeks… tweets may or may not slow down… depends on how much stupid Trump and base do… gotta have some fun….

Played a couple games on the computer and my big wide monitor, just shows what a normal 25 inch would show… but… the colors so much more vibrant and in your face…

The games I played involving timing and speed, and keeping your eyes on the colors that you are attacking…. I guess like that candy crush game, but more speed and difficulty…

Played both on hard, not insane… but hard setting… and did okay… progressed to the next levels…

Eye is tired, and I get a little of that prism vision in my peripheral area… and those drops, the 2, antibiotic and steroid, sting like a SOB for about 30 seconds… enough so, your nose is running, because of that sting…. lasts about 2 weeks, and it does gradually back off… the other stuff they gave me for free, no stings at all… doc was curious how well it worked, so they gave it to me, it was a sample…

Research and other stuff on the PC should be easy, but it will take time… the eyes are already tired after a half hour of play time….

They are saying the cost for the demonstrators on the moutnatin is fast approaching $10 Mil…. wow, superstions costing so much….

You can’t fix stupid, you have to educate and get past the superstions of religion and live on the planet the way all life does… with it, not against it….

That money could have done so much good…

I Remember… Margie….

Later, think I will play one of those games I have to hunt for items… make the eyes really work for the smaller stuff….

Stroke, TBI & TIA with sedation….

I thought what I remembered about yesterday was correct and the surgeon confirmed it at post op…

I was chatty cathy from the bronx on the operating table…

They did exactly what I asked, made sure I didn’t see the lens removal or implant, which takes a couple minutes…. the rest of the time I was aware and having the time of my life….Per the surgeon…

Per the surgeon I went on and on about doing my colonoscopy without sedation, wide awake and watched the whole procedure… yep, I am that much of a geek on some subjects… that’s because of the TBI’s… and strokes….

So according to the surgeon and the anestheiologist… I have a high functioning awareness that sedation does not impact unless, they over sedate… which explains why I know I woke up during a couple procedures the VA did on me and one was El Paso and they nearly killed me by oxygen deprivation as was the result of blue fingers after my leg surgery…. sigh…. another cover up…. by federal employees…. quadruple sigh….

It’s not the organizations that are corrupt, but the humans doing the jobs… your mom & dad, brother or sister, Next door neighbor or auntie up the street…. the corruption is human… an why I got to experience so damn much of it is beyond me!!!!!

The surgeon agrees with me on the neurological side of sedation and it’s well worth noting, so that I am not traumatized again by any other doctor or surgeon….. and those nightmares, hopefully will now resolve, now that I know, I was awake, when they cut me from hip to hip….. yep, major surgery…. and I knew it… wow… again, this was military… Air Force….

So that I am not ignored in the future, hubby has been in on all post ops and conversations so that if anything happens, he can inform them… so they don’t put me to sleep indefinitely…..

All Freda had to do is own her life, instead, she put mine, my babies and many others at risk, to keep a secret about her sex life, that had no value to begin with… Neither does the life that resulted from the sex…. but my death was worth it all….

Eye is itchy, eyesight is off and on, right now, screen is good, but the pain in my eye tells me it’s working it…. checked on readers and like the doc said, wait till next week, give the eyes some time to work…..

Time for some down time, since I am restricted for a couple days, hot and muggy outside and the stores were insane… cruise ship was in port and naturally they all went to walmart…. ugh….

I Remember…. Margie….

Post Op edited

Eye patch off, vision good on distance, but up close, oh boy are the next few weeks gonna be fun…

I remember just did this on Iphone no red lines must be okay…

Tried readers, not yet….maybe next week๐Ÿ™„

Few more hours….

Eye surgery, not much scares me, as I have found out this past couple of years… but… Eye surgery… totally freaked me…

Why???

Think about it… I lost 9 months of my life, when Margie died… total darkness is what fills those 9 months…

Now to you that 9 months sounds like a blink of an eye… to someone like me in denial over edectic memory ability… it’s a lifetime… and the more I accept the ability, the more I wait for that moment in time, when those 9 months come back….

My eye is itching…. sleep was early, but not consistent… water, drank water, to make up for going without… water and I, started that love affair about 2001….

Up close vision, every tweet I did, hubby had to read first and help me fix… I got none… and with the left eye lens new now, it’s gone from that one totally… oh my, readers or something, but I got to have something or hubby will strangle me with having to read everything on the smaller devices…. lol

Abnormal brain wave started a few days ago… it’s over now… it’s like a split personality… I knew I should have taken those drops to the hospital, but rationalized not taking them…. been trying to figure out for decades why I would go against my own common sense…. I know when the wave happens and recognize it… this is fascinating… I was also very aware of every step of the way through yesterdays procedure… including recovery….

Freaky, again something I have to adopt into my waking mind that the ability is not a fluke or ghost, but in reality a protection I put in place as a child… and it’s starting to wake up in a big way…. so this ride, got my heart racing….

So, other than post ops, nothing happening, except maintenance and wait on getting a new partial… implants… with the crisis in Washington… this veteran is a fly on the wall and it will stay that way… makes me wonder how many more vets lives will we loose daily….

Going to bed with no negative thoughts, waking up, not allowing the pain and up and down all night rule my day…. Accomplishing a goal, like my eyes…

It’s all one day at a time… We have lived in worse states… it just means, wait and hope things work out… those on the mountain are impacting those choices…. those at the Hilo VA office are impacting those choices… I have to decide, bite the bullet and live in a 5th wheel for a while, till the house sells or wait it out on Hawaii… I’ll tell ya, house, yard, established…. Hawaii has its positivies…. Great grandkids, starting to walk & talk… damn… ya know…

I got to go with the kids…. so the choice is and always has been ours….

Just a matter of when and making sure the box’s are marked storage or 5th wheel….

Wet, hot and muggy…. so glad we put in AC….

I Remember… Margie… and will be glad to get this patch off today….

I didn’t want to see anyway??? edited

Okay, this is not fun…. I have no up close vision… and my glass’s the tri lens works, but that’s like something up real close…

What I can see, not on the phone or Ipad… tweets, hubby had to review before they went out… one was a real mess…

Tomorrow will be better I hope… I still have floaters in my right eye, so hope, they do something about those….

Left eye… right now, it’s sore and I am ready for bed for the night… AC on, its hot an muggy out… so it will be a quiet night, again I hope… dogs may think other wise…

The procedure was cool… they made sure I didn’t see the lens this time, but I was more alert for the rest of the procedure… even talked… I think… will know tomorrow, when I see the surgeon…

Hoping sight is there and I can jump into research, especially since I am doing ancestry…. got some DNA cousins, would like to add to the tree….

And yippee, the paragraphs are tracking with the app…

Other than several post ops, another CBC for the doc and mammogram… I’m done… nothing is scheduled, because the VA hasn’t done their job… request for dental implants… May 2018…. Request for PT, Neurology and Orthopedics July 2019…. I got a letter that in November they would decide about my ability to eat…. heard nothing on any of my other health care…

My dependent… needed to see a specialist… he had an appointment in 5 days and 2 weeks later, he had a pre cancerious growth removed…

As the Veteran…. like the rest of the veterans… we’ll be dead, waiting on our health care….

Got a feeling my forgetting the eye drops for surgery, my hospital bill went up today… but that is better than dying while waiting for the health care this nation promised me for my oath to it…. so much for the nation keeping its oath to me….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie…. hope the spelling is good, one eyed typing is an experience…..

Surgery sedation an Edetic Memory…edited

Lets refresh… I have known since 2010, I was missing memory…

I have known since Nov 7, 2017…. Margie died at 13 years old….

I have known since Dec 26, 2018 I had a stroke and TIA’s per the MRI….

So you absorb all this and adjust and see where your brain is not at… This time, no pre sedation… they rolled me in for surgery and I asked… the surgeon and gas passer, since I could remember the whole procedure, is that because of this memory ability…. both said Yes….

This time, during the procedure, I was awake through 75 percent of it… the moment they did the lens was way cool and the laser light show… as the doctor said, when it was done…

The first procedure they gave me a little more than usual, and I still was aware… so it made no sense to sedate me heavy this time, I just didn’t want to see the lens removal part and that is when I got a little boost of juice…

Other than the eye being sore… and wearing a patch until tomorrow… and just a little foggy from the sedation…. it went well and the IV set up hurt more than anything else….

It is beyond weird, accepting this memory ability… and I hesitate to take it all in… because if I acknowledge it… what is available for me to remember, will come foreward… the last road block is gone in remembering Margies past….

Hey the damn page is moving with the cursor…. those kids have been paying attention….

Good job… but too sleepy to write much and honestly, I have nada for up close vision… found that out when I sent a tweet on the Ipad, hubby says it was a mess…..lol

Thank you kids for fixing the issue….. now I can enjoy my recovery from this last eye surgery and have fun doing all the things I am working on…. except…. I got no close vision…. cooking is going to be so much fun…..

I Remember…..

Oh vision I miss you๐Ÿคจ

Last surgery today…..

What they say about the after on cataract is true…

My vision is here an there an today starts another few weeks of not looking at what I cook to see if its done….

But hope my allergies stay away, cause the nose knows….

Cataract surgery has been mostly pain free, its just adjusting to the changes…

When I first got tri focals, I literally marched around, never sure how close the ground was or wasn’t an stairs I avoided…. back to that moment in time with my own eyes….

The drops sting for a brief second, but over all… If you can get it done, its worth it….

Just do not expect 20/20 anytime soon…. Glass’s are in my future….

Time for sleep juice…..

Firing Trump…

I have no use for liars….

I have no use for cons….

I have no use for rapist….

I have no use for religious….

We all can do without the BS….. But christians are terrified they will lose their identity if we remove Trump????

You can’t fix stupid, stupid HAS to WANT to fix its self and as long as you are superstitious or believe in gods…. welcome to the real world…. Only you can fix it….

As for me my vote says it all…. Trump you an your christian base are fired….

Not Exactly as Planned…

Hubby says, start dinner late… I ate my ice cream an about 10 bites of nuts and berries and I was done… all chewed out… TMJ quit and teeth said I don’t think so… and of course chocolate in it, so pups no get and hubby does… his tummy is sticking out a little right now… mine… it hurts…

Hubby bought some good medical pot, because of the surgeries, so I don’t rip my eyeball out… and today is the day, everything gets done for the down time coming…. and of course, clean sheets, as usual, here at least twice a week….

Laundry all done, bed made, except for one little problem…. missing a pillow case… machines empty, clotles line empty, laundry hamper empty….

Pull back comforter on bed and there, smack dab in the middle of that king size bed… is the pillow case….under the bottom sheet….

I pull the bedding back and look at hubby and say I’m going in… hoping not to have to rip the bed apart….

A bunch of giggling later…

We are done for the day… it is hot, muggy like a wet blanket and time to stay in the cooler part of the house….

Dinner, likely to be late tonight…. very late…..

Wonder if the cursor will disappear at the end here… it’s coming, slowly approachingg and it dissappeared in the middle of some word….

Later …it was the word misspelled…. and I can’t see the typing…. ugh!!!

Ya do what ya gotta do…. Some one has too๐Ÿ˜‚

pre op diet

This ole girl has to restrict intake in the next 24 hours….

I building my reserves……

Blueberry, blackberry, pecans, walnuts, chocolate chips an all natural vanilla ice cream with a couple local bananas…..

Yummy, lunch is on….

Wonky Vision next cataract goes bye bye…

Ya know, play on the phone or Ipad and it takes about a minute for my eyes to adjust to distance vision and not be real bad blurry….

It’s been a month since the right eye was done and up close, I got no vision clear… so readers for sure, more than likely perscription lens, because I was using tri-focals…. as for the distance in the right eye… I don’t think it’s 20/20 kind of vision… but I know I got other issues going on with my eyes and any vision is better than none….

Left eye is the worse, big black thing pops over my sight and the cataract is big and blocks vision…. so it will be interesting by the end of the week…. both eyes will be done for now…. I hope….

I really only read about the procedures… this is not a subject I have interest and of course, no desire to learn about it… funny how this brain injury did that too me… I just know, glass’s are still in my life and this time, going with the lightest frames they make…. now that I know the nerves are involved…. in my face… sorry, tired…. dreaming and up and down all night…

Seems stress does that too me and the surgery, though done it once already, still freaks me…

Other issues, raising their ugly head, stuff that I have known about… life is so very precious… every day I wake up is a gift…. nice cool walk this morning… my last for a week…. last day to pound some exercise…. next line currsor is gone…

later peeps….

Word Press Sign In AGAIN!!!

Really kids, you can’t screw things up more, unless censorship is your purpose and frankly you aren’t blocking me from anything… Twitter is loads more fun and I am lots more unfiltered…

You got me, why I had to sign in AGAIN!!!

I have NEVER signed out of this site, nor have I reset it…. and when it updates, it shouldn’t kick you out, Apple doesn’t???

You figure I run PDR, ADOBE, Win 10 pro enrcypt….not to mention the few thousand dollars worth of other software I play with…..

People treat you dumb, because they think they have a right… most brain injury peeps have dealt with this… these kids of WP… this is arrogance…

Stuff I pointed out 2 years ago, they are addressing… and I was wrong, they were right… guess that is why they fixed it 2 years later….

Blogging about my journey and memories… not any fun on this web site, when I have to dig out my code book, so I can sign in and oh go find my phone so I can authorize the sign in!!!!#$#%^$&#@$&^$#&^%#%@

Surgery this week and 2 mores lines an my cursor will be gone… dreaming, but not interested in sharing… to much frustration from this site, to write objectively… bigotry sneaks into everyones lives on occasion… mine happens to be against this site at the moment….

Oh well cursor gone, and not sure if I hit the right keys…. later peeps….

How did I live 50 years and NOT know I had a Stroke???

There are many clues, I have written about them in the blog… Basic training is the most rememberable one… my left side giving out on me in the obstacle course we had to do…

Other little things, my left leg always turning out, causing sprains and the AF, missed that one big time… the lack of sweating… the constant fatigue… the non stop back pain… the short term memory problems… all going down, while active duty… but…

It was all in my head… because to go medical, would have delayed pushing me out… to cover up the rape and attempted murder of my children on a federal installation called Vance AFB…. my heart racing, remembering my saving their lives, again…. but I’m a bad mom….

The journey to Japan and the surgeon giving me a heads up on the rest of my life, he marveled at the amount of adhesions, the AF said were not there, as they strangled my small intestines… intuition saved my ass again…

Back from traveling, settle down to a 25 year plus marriage and move to Hawaii and a young airman murders 26 in Sutherland Springs, Texas…. 2 days later…

I remembered Margie dying 50 years ago at that specific moment in time….

So much I could write about, so many stories I could tell….

If I could only see my cursor and the page tracked with the typing… oh well, later peeps….

So Much To Write… But…

I am to the point, done… over it… ready to move on an go a different route…

Hubby notices the difference… I’m not writing as much, online….

I’m not talking about it as much, to anyone….

I’m doing other things I have interest in….

I got a feeling this is how the slaves of Africa feel…

Oppressed, and suppressed….. just because someone doesn’t like your ideas, or words…. because you might offend their imaginary friend…. god…

Sigh………………………………………………………………

Amnesia for 50+ years… now that is fascinating….

How the Air Force got away with it in 67 and again in 83 and once again in 17…. so many lives lost, because our government is so good at cover up… look at Trump…. so many little indians trying and will go down in flames… and the only one not to go to jail….. Trump…. like selling your soul to a god, so you don’t have to own your life….exactly what christians and all religions do… as a matter of fact…..

Bottom of page is here, cursor will disappear an I will have to remember every word and wonder how letter perfect….

I do have vision… and will lose it again in a couple days due to surgery…. so looking forward to this next month passing quickly…. just as quickly as my cursor is about to disappear…

Yep, it’s gone and so am I …. Now this is a way to censor….

good job Word Press….

Word Press Sign in AGAIN???!!! really???

I give up… ya know, it wasn’t much money… but it’s still my money and getting ripped off by DISH or DIRECT or AT&T or Verizon…. any of them… you learn… and you find it’s a necessary evil…

Not so with this blog…

This has been fun, interesting, liberating and most of all….

UNDER YOUR SKIN… type of experience… your skin, not mine…

That itch was erased 11/7/17 for me…..

The sign in and password for this site… aren’t hard, but one that I haven’t memorized…

Sometimes the brain injury is it’s own police force and after so many sign in’s last year… it revolted and won’t imprint the information an it never will, knowingly…. that’s the luxury of having a condition…. and I use mine…

The condition that is…

I had planned to write, but the bottom of the screen is fast approaching and the cursor will disappear and this is such a nice cool day…. I think what ever I do today, it won’t involve this web site…. such a shame… not for me…. but for you…..

Well cursor gone and I have better things to do….

Later….

REALLY WORD PRESS???

Switching out of my ancestry program an into Word Press…

FYI, multiple processors, T, not G of memory, yada, yada… and…

Word Press wants me to sign in!!!!

I NEVER SIGNED OUT!!!! EVER…….

So jump on Ipad, why!!!

Because I have vision!!! Wonky at moments, cause left is still cataract impacted… but just spent a hour playing ancestry…an had just a little trouble seeing print….

But really Word Press we have passed 40 sign ins for this year…an I never left the building….

What a mess you have kids have made of things….

Writing or blogging, no longer enjoyable… was that the point????

Double Rainbows…

Sat down at my desk, looked outside and see a double rainbow…

Hawaii has some of the most awesome rainbows…

They just remind you how little we humans really are…

The suns rays refracting on the clouds and rain….

Nature our only god and ruler… because if truth be known…

There is no winning an argument with nature…

To bad the greedy people ruining our planet don’t get that… but their god will stop the climate change, end mass murders and stop drug over doses….

and I have a bridge in the middle of the pacific for sale….

Rainbow just got more intense….

Gorgeous….

Wonder how long before my cursor disappears??? I put the settings on that block thing….

Like I said repeatedly, I learn by repitition… have had to do that since the Boob incident and the strangulation…. I just love me some remembering….

Yep cursor gone…

Later…

Trumps chrisitan scam is not the worse thing to happen in America….

Where do you start, with the worse that has happen to our nation???

Civil War??? A nation divided over slavery and that is still ongoing… because christians want to tell this American Veteran what she can or cannot do with HER OWN BODY????

Was it when we sent thousands of Jews back to be murdered???

Was it when the cons on Wall Street got away with it and caused the great depression???

Was it when we got involved with other countries battles in WWI & WWII???

Was it when we segregated our troops, because of ingrained bias of skin color, which is still going on today???

Was it when a young deranged man killed children at Sandy Hook???

Was it Collumbine???

Was it Vegas and the death of many???

Was it the 26 who died by a Airman’s hands in Texas???

What is the worse thing to happen to America???

Religion….

Well there went my cursor several sentences ago…

Writing is no long an enjoyment on Word Press, it’s a nightmare….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Ancestry….edit

I enjoy the research, and for some reason, I can see, wonder how long that will last… I spent the last half hour looking at the family from Ireland…

According to DNA, we are mostly British/Irish and French/German…. and no matter how many times I research, we are related to royalty… a long line of it… some good, some not so great….

What I find interesting… the number of close family members, Uncles mainly… buried in foreign lands… dying during WWI & WWII…. Haven’t found any for Korea or Vietnam…

Finding their graves, getting a picture of it… makes me want to travel to those places…. and I think of the many men I know that have already died… all of them veterans… all of them suffering from depression… and the violence… oh my… the violence…. how do I know…

It was my dad and his brothers… all veterans, but one… and even he was violent… the depression left their parents wanting and those kids, my parents and uncles made sure the message was carried forward to their families… and the damage is so great… and the bigotry and hate so deep….

Ancestry can make you smile, but mostly, it reminds me of the suffering that came to be… before I was born and I am reminded daily….

Not even I can catch a break… Life is hard, it’s meant to be… that is how we learn and grow… as long as you don’t dummy your mind down with superstitions or religion….

Yep, this blog thing is a royal pain… no cursor, no view of my typing and I am having to use my old trick of when I typed court docs that had to be letter perfect… picture every word in my mind… did a 10,000 word document letter perfect for court… it was required to be letter perfect…MagCards have no way to correct and those were not fun machines…

Night folks… I am over this web site… I am enjoying playing on the ancestry web site… more fun than this…

You are not alone….

Sitting on the bunker on Naha, and the kid, named Wayne told me his dreams and fears… as they waited to ship out to Vietnam….

Randy the tunnel rat, would get animated talking about entering the tunnel first…knowing any time could be his last… his eyes vacant, voice excited….

John… wanted so much out of life, he asked me to marry him as he was leaving for Vietnam…

Each of these guys were dealing with depression… young, knowing tomorrow could be the last tomorrow… fighting a war they didn’t volunteer for…

I didn’t serve during war time… my short stint was during one of our few periods of peace… and so many of my patients were dealing with depression, because of a war, not of their making…

Some would talk… and talking was a step towards healing… most of the time, it was silence… to painful to remember what they saw and did….

Last year we lost 325 veterans to suicide… voices that screamed for help, but none came….

Help is there, call the suicide prevention hot line for your area… talk… someone will hear you… someone does care….

I remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Had to revert

Change setting to show latest blog an what a fucking mess this Word Press really is….

This is old news, this behavior…

I will be watching….. an waiting for my opportunity to expose…

Think I learned nada working for corrupt federal employee christians???

How do you think I got you to pay for my lifestyle???

Have a nice day….

Goggled complaints about Word Press….

Okay, lesson learned… not sure what I will do next… right now, to busy with the eye surgeries to give a shit….

So rant and do the norm for now… but after goggle search on complaints about this mess….

Obviously the reviews I read, were bogus when I signed up….

Oh well…. it’s not a fortune… but I won’t be renewing my account with this company and will spend the next 12 months, since I am paid till next year….

LOOKING for anything but this kind of headache….

Hot outside… muggy, oh my is it muggy… our daughter sent us pictures of snow back home… had me laughing… we just got back from our mile walk and were hot and thirsty….

Ya know, I say some things… just to see what kind of reaction…..

So far, not been disappointed… it will help with the book… the perspective of the religious biased… what happen to using the brain you were born with that is atheist??? Why silver tongues, thats what… so I will leave you with…

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to decide to use the brain they have and not live based on other peoples distorted bigoted, frigid, virgin ideas… grow some, you might like it… oh well there went the cursor…

later folks….

When Christians throw you away….

Ya know… I have a wealth to write about, instead, I have been putting it on the PC away from prying eyes… why???

Because of this web site and it’s ongoing non stop problems…

Now is it censorship??? You got me…

All I know, I can’t type a blog that goes past the bottom of my screen, the program does not track the typing and you are blind… can’t see what I typed, can’t fix issues, can’t correct verbs… nada, zip… finished…

So when Word Press decides to put my settings back to what they were to begin with… the chances of me putting anything other than a rant on this site…

Nada, zip, zero, no thank you…. Elvis has left the building…..

I could write 6 1/2 decades of information about “Christians” throwing their family members away….. and why they do it…. and those answers have not changed since white man’s religion came on the scene in England because the Roman emperors where royalty from those courts… I know… I related to the goof balls of history… told ya ancestry research is what I am doing, because this blog issue is no longer worth my time except to rant…. and any second my cursor will be below the screen and I won’t know what I typed unless I remember every word verbetum… uh TBI’s, short term memory issues… not happening and bye bye cursor….

Later peeps….

Censoring… edited….

I put a tag on the last blog an you got it, it is gone an it had the words…. Word Press can’t recommend….

Sad when humans play god, life has a habit of bitch slapping those humans….

Not sure how much more BS I care to put up with…

Writer…. freedom of speech is selective with god lovers, so are human rights….

I’ll just troll for your obituary…….negative actions always come home to roost….

Sharpened Knives… NO No no….

Not wanting to waste money, we sharpen our knives, instead of buying a good carving set, until after we move…

Welllllll I forgot hubby made a ton of noises with that machine an was prepping the fresh veggies for storage and instead of slicing into the bell… I sliced up the finger…. me and sharp objects never a good idea…. especially when YOU can’t SEE!!!!

Naturally its a nice slice and will take time to heal, because my hands are always getting washed… oh yea…

Thought about playing with the blog, to see if I can figure out why the blocks are not toggling with the page and not moving with the cursor… but why bother… censorship, through negligence… mine or the manufacturer… no clue… and too tired to give a crap about putting anything on the blog…

You see that is what frustration can do to ya, an let depression walk beside it, it’s got ya… me…

I can’t see and don’t feel like frustrating myself, because this company is censoring me… my birth family did it my whole life and still are…

That is what religion does to democracy…an thinking your shit don’t stink… lol, true story….

Garlic farm… moat…. upside down cross’s… garlic rosary…. lots of pointed stakes and there went the cursor… later peeps…

WP disappoints…

Not much of anything works right on this Hemingway theme thing…

I tried going into customize and change some things, and it just kept hanging up and going in circles…

So much of the app does not work even in the basic form…

No other App I have, has an issue with my operating system… just this one…

Surgery very soon, and what vision I got, will be gone.. the right is getting to a place of working… but it comes and goes and I was told it’s normal…my glass’s are useless except as readers and not very good there either and I tried readers at the store, not going to happen… my skull is small and that has always been border line on kids glass’s or womens’ real small size frames… store bought not available….

Went back into my ancestry research… the family tree is a 100 shy of 12,000 people…. traced back to Holy Roman Emperor times of 860BCE (before current era)…. or is it AD… always confuses me how they label time.. gives me something to do as I recover from this last eye surgery……

Hot… the new sun shades take the heat on the west side… should help to keep the house a little cooler so the AC isn’t working overtime…

No clue what I’ll do about this blog thing…. I have the writing program, just got to play with it… that may be on the list of things to do, after next weeks eye surgery….

Well there went my cursor out of sight as I type and I have to be fully focused on each and every word in my minds eye…

Have a nice evening… what a waste of money… makes writing a chore, not an enjoyment… typical of the darker side of life….

.

Holy Hades….We hot on Hawaii….

You get tired of the news and go for anything…mine… animal planet… though that otter squeals as loud as Trump… just saying…

Docs office gave me fancy eye drops… new kind, so the dosage and tasks are different… can only imagine what they costs….. but I did request VA fill my script…

Flu shot day… didn’t even feel it… though my arm is sore now… so, busy… Mike is out hanging a couple new sun shades on the west side of the house… they don’t insulate homes here, so these shades drop the temp about 3 to 5 degrees and AC is blasting….

Dreaming again… got me out of bed a couple of times… ghosts of memories and they center around Texas…. that is one PTSD moment I would really like to put to rest… the night Margie died….

Went to the Teak store… planning on taking a dinning table and chairs home with us and a couple other pieces… hope prices don’t climb too much, they are already increasing shipping costs across the board… food is ridiculous….

We are seeing more properties up for sale… this bodes ill for us… buyers market for sure…

Told eye surgeon I saw him do the lens and he got all exicted and asked questions… and I thought I was the geek… it was fun… he says what I saw was the lens as he injected it into place and it unfolded… explains the prisms I saw…

Also got the bills except the hospital and out of pocket so far about $500…. not bad, but hospital hasn’t come in yet…

Well there went the screen, no clue what I type and if It’s right, yada yada, yawn… So later peeps…

I Remember… Margie…

WP sign in AGAIN???

Okay, Uncle, WTF, UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… honestly, just refund my money and I will go quietly in the night to some other site or just write on the PC… I mean I got options….

I GOT ZERO OPTIONS WITH THIS SITE!!!!

I have lots of fun on twitter… the blog, eh… I can do the same on the PC….

I just like getting under your skin…..

Kissing emoji here….. with a Ass…..

Writing on this blog???

Don’t get it, don’t understand it… I played with the customize tool the other day, but didn’t change the way it is suppose to type or format or anything….

So why the page would not become toggle with the writing… is a basic programming issue….

Setting don’t work as they should and this goofy app is nothing like any writing soft ware I have ever used…

And why is it I have had to sign into my own blog up to 40 times now this year alone, and I never signed out?????

The only application or program I have issue with… the one that is working to block my freedom of speech….

Word Press…

Don’t Get It??? Don’t Understand It???? and am really tired of it…

Eye surgery coming up soon… figured I would have doc call in the script to the VA and if it comes I won’t have to use the one from the surgeon’s office an it can go to a patient that can’t afford the expensive stuff… I can, but damn, $400 + for .05 oz of eye drops… just wow…..

So far this goofy thing is working… but I haven’t gotten to the bottom of my screen yet…. ya know I was using a Magcard back in the 80’s after typewriters starting phasing out and from there straight into computers and programming and nope… can’t see the typing as I do it… the program is not tracking the text….

Have a nice night peeps… I am out of here and if they don’t fix this soon… I won’t be on this blogging either….

I Remember when a product sold was worth it’s salt…now you are lucky if you get the product at all….

Damn I still can type letter perfect… when not stoned…

Medicare and dumping VA death care….

Just a heads up to anyone doing what I am… going with their medicare, instead of using the VA….

IF you do what I am and you go in for surgeries, and you need medication…. make sure your doctor can order from VA… if they can not… request your VA doctor, be it VA facility or private VA… to fill your perscriptions for any surgeries and they usually will if they have to do a physical for that surgery….

You want to do this at least 2 weeks in advance so that the perscriptions get to you in time…

For cataract surgery, I got a wake up call today…. to pay for the eye drops and we are talking generic, over $500 for the 3 eye drops needed…. one of them was over $400 at walmart…. my surgery is in a few days and its either pay for the drops or cancel surgery….

My eye surgeons office gave me a sample for the 1 drop that was over $400 and hopefully I won’t have to open it and can give it back for another patient….

You see, I didn’t miss my eye, but twice during the past month of doing the medications for the right eye… so I am reasonably sure I have enough already on hand to do this next surgery…. the VA gave me 2 bottles of 1 script… and only 1 of the expensive one… go figure… the steroid one, I forgot to get filled to begin with an it was not that bad, about $41…. good RX didn’t have the spendy stuff covered….

Anyway, word press is messed up and I can’t see the bottom of my screen and have to hope my typing is dead on correct…

I am over this fucked up web site….

Pitter patter, how little Washington corruption matters….

6 plus decades on this planet…. and kids, still know everything….

Only problem… those hippie kids are now in congress and the game of snake oil and smoke and mirrors is common place…. and when someone is truly honest….

They are the worse of people…. and you can thank christians and all religion for that problem….

I listen to some of the hearing this morning, as it was the only thing on…. and I kept hearing them thank him for being an officer… which brought back memories of the officers I worked with who used my body for their pleasure… and nearly lost the coffee… so I vented… on twitter and WP….

The sky is not falling, the world is not coming to an end and those in congress know for a fact… they have measures in place to protect the nation… but Trump… oh boy is that traitor pushing those boundaries… and he will never serve time in jail…. they are lying to us in congress…. he is above the law… they made it so, none of them would ever go to jail…. check out how it works with judges… talk about above the law….

So how will all this impact any of us… most of us, will deal with higher prices, shortages and those who haven’t lived through that yet… what a fun ride that is…. walmart knock out will become common place…..

and word press is fucking up and I can’t see what I typed…

You kids have a great day… censorship alive and well when you tell the truth!!!

Really word press???

No clue what is happening with this site now… tried to load the customizer and the program went tits south….

There are other glitches I see on a regular basis… but honestly when you deal with kids who know everything like Trump….

This is the kind of service you get…. a con is a con….

One of these days I will sit down and review all the data feed, when I can see small crap again!!!!

I remember when a product stood the test of time… not anymore!!!

Had to sign in, just to access the blog, that I wrote in an hour ago…….

WTF????????????

So much for writing what I had thought about!!!!

Capitol Hill Entertainment…. officer and gentlemen???

I thought when I worked protocol on Japan, I had seen it all…

Drunk Senators and Representatives spending your tax dollars to have a good time… that HAC was investigated a few lost re-election and many had to repay the government… not much mind ya, DOD ate the expense… military their to cover up the dirt… and it is happening again with Mcguire….

I kept hearing the interviewers thank Mcguire for his service as a “Officer”… that BS about officer and gentlemen….

Let me tell you about a group of officers at Vance AFB, 1980 off base, Enid, OK a 3 Bdrm 2 bath home in a development….

That is about all I remember, after being served a drink that was drugged…..

I remember the men, coming in the room taking their turn…. but I was so drugged, moving wasn’t part of the scenario….

When I reported the incident… the supervisor said this to me….”What did you do to invite such behavior”….. I turned and left the room….

That is a “Officer and Gentleman”…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

It was a Dark & Stormy Night…..

Is the sky falling in your neck of the woods???

Start the day with breaking news and after a while, you just got to quit watching and find something, anything… but Trump…..

Lions & Tigers & Bears, oh my….

Do we lock the doors now and throw away the keys or do we start hiding the money under the mattress??? most don’t have box springs anymore…

Do we go out the door armed to the teeth????

I am old enough to remember… Johnson, Nixon, Clinton and now Trump….

Ya know, I got enough drama in my first 17 years of life to last me 100 life times…

Trump and his base… are just fodder for the cocktail hour....

We sipped our drinks over the others that I mentioned…. though Johnson, I be a little young for that drink….

Since Reagan was in office the writing was on the wall for the republican corruption… dealt with it first hand when the HAC came to Yokota AFB…. I never looked at Senators or Representatives the same way again…. they bleed just like you and me…some just a little greener than red….

Anyone who would listen to me over the decades would be going about now… Mags was right…. again…. and it gets old being right all the time… but I don’t buy into superstitions or gods… so mental illness, not in my backyard… I been tested…. neaner neaner….. an more than once….

Nothing happening in politics will have any real impact on me… the only thing that has me spooked… the economy, and I have yet to be wrong on that and yep you got it… I am freaked and trying to get ready for what is coming…. the last one, was a rough one to survive… this time… it’s just sit back and wait for it to pass…. and it will, but not till lots of bad happen first and you can thank Trump and his base….

Tomorrow should be an interesting morning for coffee… may not make it too pain time before I smoke a bowl… I may have to start the day off with one, just to keep from laughing my ass off at the stupidity in Washington and the corruption of religion….

Makes ya wonder… Will women ever have a say over their OWN body???

Not while religion is the primary superstition and men like Trump and his base push slavery….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… just look at the population now… most bat shit crazy with mental illness….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Monkey see…. Monkey did…. Trump & Christians selling America to the highest bidder….

Wow… living on Hawaii… you get your news a little later than those on the mainland… and when your day starts with Trump bragging about breaking laws and abusing power all the while swearing he is a christian…. I mean just wow…..

Not even 8AM and the TV is on “How the States got their shapes”….

I would rather educate myself with facts about our nation, than buy into bull shit about traditions and christians trying to rape and steal our freedoms…..

That garlic farm…. I tell ya, that moat…. just push’s me to look at lots of acreage, in the middle of no place and start that garlic farm and dig that moat….

But at the rate Trump & christians are polluting our planet…. nothing will grow, the planet will tilt thanks to all that concrete China is laying and water…. Water, we will be out there doing a rain dance and hoping it rains…. because ground water will be to polluted to touch….

That is what I think christians and Trump are doing to our planet…. America is just the starting point…. want to talk about your mythical anti christ…. yep, you suckers fell for him hook line and sinker…. just so you can tell women what they can do with their bodies….

Hope it was all worth it…. me… I’ll be on that garlic farm, hoping humans come back to humanity… but not if their man made god has a say….

I Remember a time when freedoms fought for, and died for…. meant something……..

Never Again!!!

Just had a good old fashion southern dinner…

Fried chicken, mashed taters, green peas an twisted knot yeast bread….an oh am I a good cook….

I was hungry, an partials were okay with that….

Get done, start fixing things to clean up an bend over and oh my, it was a struggle not to lose dinner….

One thing about hiatal hernias that slide, you chew thoroughly and, still missing teeth on the partial, because of the VA, so eating is a challenge…

Of course I am going to swallow larger bites because of the partial and that created a instant problem when I bent over… food was still transversing an the autonomic spasm was breath taking in its pain….

Heart rate off chart, body sweats from the spasm an pain so bad, I scared the dogs with my scream….

This is what a federal thin skin employee at the Hawaii Hilo VA office is doing to me…. Implants requested May 2018….

3 active duty members on a ship took their lives in a weeks time… Active duty!!! The christian bogus politicians are no better than Trump!!! They can not even take care of our active duty, let alone vets like me… Remember that, a christian president is promoting turning America into another Nazi state….. just because you profess his religion, means nada to any idol worshiper, an that cross is one big idol…..

Sg USAF DAV I Remember Margie…

Silence, no longer deafening….

Out doing our 3,000 steps for the morning…. and I noticed that, again, we were both very quiet….

I brought up a fluff subject, it went no where…. so the walk continued in easy silence….

It wasn’t always that way… Other than telling Mike my stories over the decades… and normal everyday stuff… I didn’t motor mouth much…. until….

Nov 7, 2017 when I remembered the night Margie died…. Big Springs, Texas… 1967….. just about 50 years exactly….. 50 years of amnesia….

Though I appreciate what the neurologist said, that there was no apparent brain damage that would impede my regaining all my memories…. it sure isn’t happening fast or in great detail….

Though I say I only remember so much… that is a misnomer… I remember quite a bit, it’s the specifics… that elude me… you know the video editing mode… where you view it in detail… and there in lies the problem….

The details….

Why is the silence not deafening… my brain is to busy digesting all that is opening up…. the specifics that I am looking for, those are more buried and the layers of protection I put in place after the Japan beating and stroke… those are harder to over come….

Our walks may be quieter…. but both of us are lost in our thoughts as we walk this journey together…..

I Remember… Margie Sgt. USAF DAV

Required Body Maintenance

No there are no options on this matter… Figured that out many decades ago… long before I figured out I had neuropathy or any of the other damage to my organs and body, let alone the brain….

I talked about instincts and many a time I ignored them, especially in personal matters or money, learned the lesson and worked not to repeat it… but with the body, wow….

After we left Arkansas, I started working on my physical health… I had gotten up to a weight of 185, if memory serves me…. Mike passed that…

Upon moving to New Mexico… the dry heat, the mild winters down by the border where we lived, made for good walking weather….

We started walking a couple of miles every day and the house had a in ground pool and we made use of that…. things started to feel better and the aha moment happened…. by this time I had stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory and had an evaluation at El Paso VA…

Come 2011, and things were changing… sleep, diet, attitude… it’s been a long road… still on it though… even falling off a few times….

I remember the Osteopathic military doctor doing the same thing PT did this year and I was afraid of PT… It hurt back in 78…. and it hurt this year when I saw PT… but the result, amazing….

PT taught me much this year and I have asked to go back… I still have weakness and my knees, both go out on me and I have damage to the upper torso muscle area, the neck, the thighs, you name it… I need some more help…. yesterday the pain in my foot buckled me to the floor, freaked out Mike… but it happens and it’s all realted to…..

Neuropathy… the demon that is Autonomic and peripherial…. since I was a child…. thanks Freda….

Adapting to these conditions and making them work for me is painful… but every time I go out the door and stay on my feet and I can keep my spine straight… that is a good day… but there are days, where that spine won’t stand up, because of something pulled, twisted, knotted or nerves are going ballistic…. it’s what I live with daily since I was 5 years old…

Keeping the perspective on what I can control and when the pot comes in handy… makes this tolerable… not great… but liveable…

Kind of looking forward to next week, when they operate on my other eye… a few hours of not knowing I am in pain…. so easy to get addicted to stuff like that… but I’ll pass… when you already died and saw darkness, going back there is not top on my list….

I Remember… Margie….

Getting a Rythm…..

Rythm, never thought I was all that good at it… I can read music, play a little piano, used to have a voice, that is long gone… and dance, at one time I could, but that didn’t last long either…. body didn’t like it…

But the rythm I am working on…. normal… as much as normal as I can get, what ever that may be… as normal was never and has never been part of my existence….

Like this morning… I could smell the coffee cooking at 4:45AM and went ahead and got up… we do hit the bed about 9PM… so it’s not all that early….

It was a bad night for sleep… we are working more foods into our diet and its hit or miss with me, because of the mass adhesions I have in my gut and my IC… so between adhesions, IBS & IC… add a Hiatal hernia… food and I are and never have been the best of friends and I am finding… some foods should only be eaten once in a while…

Even though it was a bad night and I woke up in discomfort… it didn’t impact my day negatively… something I have been working on since 2010…. long before I new I was missing memory or years…..

Instincts are our most important tool that evolution has given us… and it’s up to us, to hone those tools….

So I am working on a rythm of positive outlook, which will dictate my day… which prepares me for going out and about, during this time of turmoil on Hawaii… the bigotry is ripe….

Cloudy, wet, so humid, we are keeping AC on for the next few days… so ready for fall to hit us in November…if we are lucky… could be a hot fall this year….

Time to go walk the pups and see if the ocean is visible… expecting lots of rain today…..

I Remember… Margie….

Popeye… you lied….edited

With the vision being a major issue, it’s use the memory system and review what I have read… and one of the things that popped into my grey cells… was a memory from my active duty time… and in my military records, in 1978, it states I said…”my back has always hurt”…. and it still does, even with the exercises…. and it didn’t start until the near death in Texas, 1967…. death because someone had to have sex…. yea for humans….

There are days I would love to just stomp, beat, pulverize those who did this to my body, before I made 15 years old… over 50 years of this non stop pain and issues… and no one, not one doctor had a clue in my adult years… because….

I didn’t have a clue, because….. the living are as silent as the grave I keep trolling the obituaries for…. true story… no revenge… justice… my point of view, justice… and all they ever had to do… OWN their lives… never happen as long as god is in the picture… easier to hide that way in plain sight….

The pain the last few days in the TMJ on both sides, is telling of the headaches that run the line of the Trigeminal nerve… and the more I recognize the pattern, the more I am sure the nerve has been an issue since the near death in Texas….. dent in skull could be a clue to… lol…yep I acutally chuckled on that one…okay so I am twisted… I gots a condition….

You get freaked over the amount and location of the pain… so much internal damage that I have had forever, which can kill me at anytime… per the surgery on Japan after my discharge… ticking time bomb….

Over whelmed with it all, the mental part, the physical part, the current health issues that the VA created… again…. trying to gain control over all of it and not go off, half cocked… progress… so much progress, in such little time…

I have only been remembering 22 months now…. the strokes and near death, almost 9 months now…. knowledge… knowledge would have allowed me to thrive, when I was younger… but people are playing god, so they can hide in plain sight…okay that is Trump & Kavanaugh….

The pain has to be addressed, so pain meds taken… pot helps, but I can only do that for so long and it doesn’t impact anything… except my thought process….

I do the exercises for the body… the TMJ, I only know one and do it daily…. as long as I can manage the pain… the VA is not winning….

As long as I don’t quit working on this journey to remember…. the family is not winning….

Sounds like a challenge……

Hmmmmm….Challenge accepted…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Love & Marriage….

25 years working at it… sometimes just cruising along, how ya doing… everything okay…. sometimes lovey dovey… lets get togehter and sometimes…. heated and pissed, because we each have our own demons….

Love & marriage… the concept really is a chore…

If you go back an look at the history of life that is recorded… not the bible either… best piece of fiction out there, but, I am talking real recorded history, that can be proven….

Marriage has been around from the get go or at least some form of it…

Some arranged, to keep kingdoms from killing each other off…. or just so you can get an extra cow or pig…. children married to men and if you look at history, it’s always female “Children”, married off to Men… not much has changed thanks to Trumps base… white mans slavery alive an well… telling me what I can do with MY BODY!!!.

They say about 50 years ago, marriage started evolving into a partnership… I have to agree… after 6 tries at the institution…. it takes a partnership….

Though I love my hubby to pieces… he is not above or below me… he walks beside me… one of the few men I respect on this planet… in fact, thinking about it, he is the only man I know that I respect….. wow, that’s a shocker….

Over time, he got the message I wasn’t property and by our 2nd decade together… I knew he was a keeper… we are equals….

There are days I want to kick his ass, and since he owned his issue… that is less often, still happens, but I annoy him too… just saying…..

For me, our marriage isn’t about the sex, the money or the hard work we both put into it… it’s about respecting each other enough, to never put each other on a pedistal and just own our lives…

It doesn’t get much better than that…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Hubby is a Stinker!!!

He just went out to cut grass again, and he made the comment as he gave me a peck… I never moved last night… him… not me…. the stinker!!!

It’s not fair… I want to scream and yell… but I can tell you when the bed and I became mortal enemies….

I was 13…. and I died…. and they covered up all that bad that happened… the Air Force buried it, because I was just a kid and I wasn’t suppose to remember anything….

Surprise………………………………………

By the time we got to Japan and I pissed off Freda and they beat me into another stroke… life was and has never been the same… that was 51 years ago….

It was branded into my brain… the pain, the non stop pain, internally and externally…..

Funny, I just thought of basic training and the way I was treated, just because I was military already from being a dependent daughter… knowledge is not appreciated among women at that time… and they let their bigotry show proudly… but I wanted to serve, so I bite my tongue and did what I needed to pass basic… even with a broken body and a baby only 2 months old… I passed basic…

I look in the mirror now and am grateful for the lines, sagging skin… because no one sees a pretty woman anymore… but they think they are looking at a healthy one…

You learn to hide your issues, when you are told repeatedly it’s all in your head… my peers, got zero respect for them….

It’s a solitary life I have lived, even though I am always surrounded by people….

Can you go one week, without looking at another person or yourself and not judge????

It takes practice, it takes a desire, to not be bigoted, even towards ones self…….

Actions speak so much louder than words… which is why when someone tells me they are christian it begs the question, why do I need to know??? It’s not my life that is being labeled christian it is yours and it is up to you to live it and own it and you never can… when you have to advertise your faith…

I make no bones about being atheist…. why????

Because we are BORN atheist…..

Hubby out cutting grass, me, I got to exercise, so maybe by body will let me sleep tonight… already had all the heat I can handle, so prisoner of the AC house it is….

Have a gorgeous day…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and how she could sleep, before they killed her….

CBC and Supplements… what not to take….

My aha moment came this morning… been going over the conversation with the doctor this week, yea, I remember it, almost verbetum… so this memory thing is spooking me… anyhow….

I take Bioastin… it’s a Hawaiian supplement they discovered and we have been on it for over a year… and this had stuff in it, along with other supplements I take that interfer with a CBC….

I remember a sign at one of the labs, if you take Biotin or B vitamins… it will impact thyroid tests and other blood work….. AHA…..

I take a couple thousand units or MG of B, C, D, A, BioAstin, Multi, Krill, CoQ10, Folic acid, B12, Super B complex… think that is all of them an half of these interfer with blood work…these are all taken because of the beatings I recieved as a child… it is all for the Autonomic and Peripherial neuropathy….

The reality of my blood work, it was awesome…..

My cholesterol for me, was good… both Ldl & Hdl….. my blood sugar, white count, everything, but the one level on the thyroid and it struck the doctor and I both odd, and I was in PTSD motor mouth mode, so, wasn’t going to get the answer in the office… it just took me a couple days to figure it out…. tadah…………..

I will request a checkup in November and get blood done again, with full CBC and that time I will skip my supplements for 24 hours per the literature on blood testing at the lab……

Eyesight… still got some glob behind my new lens and he’ll take care of that with a laser in his office…. next week last post op and it’s my pre-op for the next eye surgery… still freaked over seeing him remove my lens in my right eye… plan to tell cutie gas passer, just a touch more… I want to sleep thru this one…

Headaches, just the usual tension ones and the ones I have always had, from the areas of my skull that received impact….

Diet… eating is a struggle… if I am careful, I do okay, the bone is not as painful as it was for the last few years… but it’s sore, because of the partial… maxillary and mandible…

but graves on Kauai is more important than taking care of a living veteran….. triple sigh……………………………….

Hot an muggy, we went for our walk and were drenched and it’s not 8AM…. house closed, AC on, we slept thru the roosters…. this AC will freeze you out… I finally realized I had the setting on economy and changed it to regular, now I have to grab a throw to put over my legs in the living room… rest of house is comfortable during the day, not cold, but at night…. you are under a blankie…..go figure I sabotaged us on selling…. helps to see the green lights on the unit…. lol…..but that electric bill will push $400, I am betting, so a surprise would be nice if less….

We are getting so much rain, now fall has started and for us that means, late October before we cool down…. and everything is growing so fast, Mike is cutting grass for the 3rd time this week….. this I will miss, watching nature at it’s best…. though we saw 6 road kills yesterday… all but 1 was a wild goat… where are you going to go on an island that a few minutes slower drive matters???

Day started, much to do, before it gets to hot to do it…. rain expected, and my attitude to keep working on….

grave yard versus health care… Sen Shatz, you really disappoint this veteran….

Sgt. USAF DAV MAP

You can’t hate, what you don’t know…

Listening to the morning news… Shatz gets Kauai $300,000 for a graveyard for veterans… guess that is cheaper than taking care of the living veterans like me…

The rectocell procedure is failing and I am having issues with the IBS and the HH and the damaged flap on my esphogus from the strangaltion at 8…. sigh…………… I took it out by yelling this morning and tweeting…. double sigh…..

My memories are not like yours…. they are vivid as if I was watching a DVD movie…. they never change, alter or quit early…. the memory always plays out the same way…. violent…..

The damage done to my body… nothing can be done about it… but to hear on the news that my Senator gets money for a graveyard and I am fighting to keep this last major surgery from failing…

It’s taking it’s toll….

So, I turn the TV off, go about my day… knowing just because some college educated dumb ass, thinks dead veterans are more important than LIVING veterans….

Nothing new there…. just look how Trump pimps out our military….

The title of this write… you can’t hate, what you don’t know….

No one has asked me, that was there, what I do remember…..

Think about it….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

And yes they read the blog, it got under their skin so fast, it’s still itching…..

Mauna Kea…..

Today we had to drive over the mountain to go to Kona…. and of course we had to drive through the area that the demonstrators are destroying… and frankly, what was once a beautiful, pristine place…. it’s garbage, tents, tarps, tin shacks… nothing beautiful about it and the people… oh my…. lets talk about the people…

As a person who was raised in a military family and we were lucky if we spent more than 2 years any place… last time I counted I went to quite a few schools around the world and states….

I was on Japan in the 60’s and met bigotry and hate head on… people walking around burned from the atomic bomb… not a pretty sight… but it just made me offer more kindness…

Went from Japan to Okinawa and we had riots and burning vehicles outside our hotel… base housing couldn’t come soon enough and we were escorted to our school bus by security military police….

Moved to Italy as an adult and down near Aviano… people didn’t like Americans…. we were assigned to a remote site up in the mountains and the people, made us feel like family… a little town called Colle Isarco…. near Breener pass….

Went back to Japan in the 80’s and it was so westernized… you felt like you were in LA or SF…. tied died hair and all…we were not noticeable…..

Expericened bigotry in Arkansas… mostly out of lack of education…. moved on to New Mexico and we met some of the nicest people in El Paso…. the bangers were the worse in New Mexico….

Move to Hawaii and from the first minute I step off the plane… I have experienced bigotry… and that was over 3 years ago…

Today was no different… No matter how many people I made eye contact with and offered a smile and greeting, I got hostility back…. even in Costco by employees… the posion from Mauna Kea has leeched into the fabric of Hawaii, like the flu….

No shot available for what is happening here on the island…. and kindness and respect has zero value….

Hawaii is like many other places I have lived, where the natives are not happy or what ever group of people who think they have been slighted… and they take it out on everyone that doesn’t look like them……………………

The nicest people I met today, outside of Costco as we waited for the doors to open, they struck up a conversation…. both as non Hawaiian as you can get… but love living here and wouldn’t leave for nothing…. I wish I felt the same….

Who ever the people are that are providing financial support for the demonstrators… I hope with all I am, life deals you a wake up call….

Homes are up for sale, that people just moved into… because jobs were lost, because of the demonstrators… business are closing their doors… because of the demonstrators…. and parents are having to tell their kids, they have to leave their friends and move to the mainland… because of the demonstrators…

So supporters of the demonstrators… your ignorance will be you downfall… I truly feel for those, we see struggling…. because a few think their rights out weigh the rights of the many…. just a FYI over 70% of the population on the islands, supports the building of the telescope….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. a time when Aloha meant something… Not anymore…..

Climate education…

Kids want to be taught about climate….

Christians want you to believe their man made god is in control of climate???

Conflict the brain an you will have more addicts than kids learning the truth about our existence and gods have zero to do with our evolution…

But mans god has everything to do with destroying our only home…planet earth…

You can not fix stupid with kids when you tell them gods are real, just so you can keep your skelton filled closet private at the worlds expense…

I remember Margie….

Luck of the Draw….

Ever play straws as a kid…. and who ever got the shortest or longest had to do the deed or dare???

Life is like that in so many ways… the luck of the draw…. why???

Because you have no control over anyone else’s choices… just your own… and even that, doesn’t guarantee things will work out the way you want or expect… Life just doesn’t work that way….

I go back to the time of Nixon and his hookum and think Trump learned well or its just the luck of the draw, because he conned so many people with his false promises….

Working on that positive attitude and thought process, was a daily part of life, because I wore a uniform and had no say over my life for those years… and because I trusted my peers… the luck of the draw… I was honorably discharged…. and am now 100% DAV service connected… oh yea…. my peers tried to make sure I got nothing… rape and attempted murder is hard to hide, when it’s done in plain sight…. truth does win, once in a while…

Luck of the draw… so many times I made choices and I look back and ask myself….”where was my head at, up my ass???”

Sometimes my choices worked out okay, lots of time, it was just pure dumb luck things turned out the way they did…

No mystic ghosts on my shoulder… just me making choices and trying to figure out what that light at the end of the tunnel actually meant….

Well I have had that light in my hands recently and I go back and honest this memory thing is not all it’s cracked up to be… but I go back through the last 65 years and I see the choices I made…. just wow, how did I survive and live to tell about it??? I should be 6 feet under… many times over… Cats, have nothing on me….

Luck of the draw… I would like to think it is more about me working to find the answers I have been seeking since Margie died that hot night in Big Springs, Texas ….

The choices others made to keep silent, while I am on this journey is telling of the cowardice they live…. and the luck of the draw has made their lives as they should be….

The road is not as winding or up and down… upset tummy is a thing of the past… and every night I go to bed… knowing….

The luck of the draw on what I will remember tonight….if this made sense to you… you been reading the blog… if it doesn’t… your loss….

I Remember…. Margie….

Stroke knowledge….

Dec 26th, 2018… I found out via MRI I had a stroke and TIA on the brain…

I didn’t know???

The nightmares, the diagnosis of PTSD, the weakness that became evident after major surgery last year…. the missing memory…. and catching Freda & Peggy & Tiny & Larry in lies….

It’s only been 9 months next week, since I learned the truth….

When I told Mike the story about Big Springs, Texas on Nov 7, 2017… that triggered my death memory….

By that time, I had decades of nightmares, and obviously, the VA said I had PTSD and clinical depression… but no one could tell me why????

When the Airmen killed those 26 people in Sutherland Springs….

It was Air Force, Airmen & Texas….. those 3 things were the key to letting Margie out of her prison for the last 50 years…..

So much up and down emotionally… the knowledge that my nightmares were events in my life, that I really wanted to deny….

Once the MRI & MRA were done…. I had to face the reality I was hated from the day I left the womans womb to this moment in time…. for one reason only….

I told the truth and that jepordized Fredas affair, my half sister and all the secrets Peggy & Larry would like me to forget….

My life was expendable…. as was my military career….

People in power, saying they are christian… just so they can weld that power… that is the only god in existence….. Human…..

I have no contact with my birth family… I hold the key to their so called respectable lives…. I am the evidence they wish would be 6 feet under….

How pathetic the religious truly are…..

Knowledge of the stroke is taking me longer to adjust too… I have had 6 major surgeries, where I could have stroked out on any one of those… because no one told me…. I gave birth to 2 kids, with complicated pregnancies…. and I served the nation for 5 1/2 years…… yet I knew nothing of the strokes or near death….

Near death is heart stopping.. those religious will say it denotes life… It does not…. My brain kept going, that is what denotes life… but not to the psychos who believe in a mythological god… just a FYI, there is nothing in death, no family, flowers, song, heaven or hell…. just total and complete darkness and Freda… you need to stay scared, that is what awaits you old woman…..

After the eye surgery… will be checking in with my doctor about anything I need to do, like baby aspirin, yada, yada, yawn….

Knowledge is power and the only thing that makes mortal humans into gods…. some use that knowledge to control others and they say slavery is dead in America… not according to those who THINK they have a say about my female body….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to open it’s mind and as long as you buy into gods… your growth will be limited…. that is a fact written in psychology…which can be proven… your gods… not so much…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

Anger has a Master…

Long night, no munch, nothing after dinner and I was still up and down all night long… so frustrating and my attitude showed it after I got out of bed… just for a few seconds… but it’s frustrating…I vented on twitter…oooops..

There is some part of this journey I haven’t reconciled yet and I don’t know for sure what it is…

I can name the head traumas when they happened, why, that will never have a valid reason to abuse a child…

I can tell you when I died and lost time… about 9 months is gone and I thank Freda and her boyfriend in Bonita, LA….. for that hiccup in my life…

I keep telling myself, it’s only been 22 months since I remembered my own death…. give myself a break and realize I am dealing with lots of anger, emotion and so much more… it is truly, at times, over whelming….

Life is always a journey…. it’s a choice of how you live it and embrace it… or run away from it…

Did you know we are born atheist???? Think about it….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

What we are made of…

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-49760240

Interesting article…

I have 93% more Neanderthal DNA than most of the clients of 23andMe…. My DNA is made up of Neanderthal, British/Irish, French an base is Congolese….

Research shows that the people the above article writes about, inter mingled with our ancestors… It is obvious by my DNA the same could be said for modern man…

Always fun to learn our true human make up…

Not Adams rib, but I come from pre man… That destroys the bibles teaching…

I am living proof…

I Remember Margie…..

Keeping myself honest….

The nightmares of violence, have always been with me…

My christian home I was raised in, was anything but nice… in fact, I honestly can not tell you of kindness in that house, ever….

When I sought out mental health in the military, my son had been raped and the gossip was rampant, to destroy me… to protect the 1st Sgt., who’s son raped my child….

I knew when I sought out mental health, it could be a closed society and it would be there to protect the image of the military or it was there to help the patient… It was there to protect the military… and the Air Force failed once again to do what is right…

When I got ganged raped… I didn’t bother with mental health… no those officers went on to have careers… but the damage was done…

Protect Vance AFB at all costs and my career was over….

It is ironic… my husband of 25 years will tell you, sex and I…. never been a fan of each other… why???

Traumatic brain injury as indicated on the MRI 12/26/2018….. that section of my brain is injured and has been since I was 13 years old… so I didn’t go looking for sex… but men had no problem taking it….

As for keeping myself honest…. I watch as christians continue to cry foul as they destroy lives via addiction, suicide or just flat out bad counseling…. by nut bags that believe a god exist…. and I know, they at one time had influence on me…. and I remind myself of that on a daily basis as well as the bigotry they promote….

Can I say with 100% certainty that I am having no depression…. Nope…

I am smoking pot… and even though we buy the kind that does not cause depression, just impacts our pain…. I have to keep in mind, pot is a depressive substance and is that what I am feeling??? or is it depression???

The only way for me to make it to the end of this road… keep myself honest about what I am experiencing and how it truly is impacting my psyche and over all well being…

Honest, if I was depressed, I would be ranting off the wall about the VA…. I am a prisoner of my home… Speech is difficult and slurred, so talking, not much of that happening and as far as eating goes…. that is a day to day nightmare and has been for over a year…. VA health care at its best….

But I’m not losing sleep over it, it does not have control… IT is just along for the ride, waiting for that golden opportunity to knock me on my ass…. ya know like waiting for the other shoe to drop……

Changing my attitude when I hit the floor every morning, sets the tone for the whole day…

not letting chrisitians and Trump have a say about my life… they are exposing themselves and their corruption….

Hopefully Americans are smarter than they act…hope springs eternal…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Trump betrays America…

They say they need more police in Jewish neighborhoods???? WHY????

WHY not put more police in Chicago, Boston, anyplace gun violence is off the chart!!!

WHY ARE WE PROTECTING PEOPLE WHO MANUFACTURED A GOD???????

Why are we not PROTECTING AMERICAN CITIZENS FROM GUNS?????

This man made god can defend its self!!!!!!

Our tax dollars is for ALL AMERICANS!!!! Not just those who manufacture gods and religions!!!!

I remember Margie….

Direction on the book….

At this stage of the journey, I am so wishing I had paid attention or at least remembered my english courses….

Do I start with the first memory…. the toddler and the hair brush???

Do I go with my first entrance exam into the military that gave me my first clue, something was wrong????

Do I start with my time in the military and the rapes, and attempted murder cover up and how Vance AF base made sure, the rapist never was held accountable???

Do I start with the death of Margie in Big Springs, Texas at Webb AF base 1967…. just after her 13th birthday???

Do I go with the boulder in the middle of that river in Japan, were 3 men died earlier and I saved my son’s life???

Where do I start???

As much as I am enjoying my time here spinning my wheels, so to speak…. I am getting closer to starting the book in a soft write… I’ve tried before and I know, how important it is for me to have quiet, so that the train does not leave the station without me…. but pot isn’t helping that aspect either….

Next week my last post op for the right eye, shortly after that… the left one gets done… I really hope I don’t see him pull my lens out on that eye… it was freaky on the right….

Weeks, before I will get a working perscription for glass’s…. so research and other investigative stuff is waiting to be done….

There are days I have no desire to go any further with this journey… and I realize…

If I quit…

They win….

I Remember… Margie….

I told you so….

Sometimes we can be our own worse enemy….

If I had done something different last year, we would be home now…

Instead, I let the devil PTSD have control and now I am doing I told you so to myself….

Last year the dentist tried adjusting the lower partial, which made it worse, so we put it back the way it was…

Now the lingual side of the partial area has my mouth raw and it’s all I got, to help me chew food…

That weight loss I bragged about… I just took a pain pill, because I tried to eat some eggs and hash browns and the pain was too much… the dogs got my breakfast….

I have tried eating without the partial, and it’s not possible, the pieces are to big to chew and swallow, no way to eat properly….

I don’t take the pain med, till the pain hits… and hope it covers me for lunch and supper…. after that, the partial is out…

All of this could have been avoided, if the federal employee at the Hilo VA office on Hawaii, didn’t have a corn cobb up their ass, that I put there!!!!

Oh well….. when I go in for my upper partial, I will be requesting a new lower one… like I said, I may not get what I should get… but I will get enough to cost the VA a few thousand…..

Sgt. USAF DAV 100 % service connected… so much for priority care….. not if you piss off federal employees….just look at petty Trump…..

PTSD, are you still here???

Subtle changes??? or different choices???

PTSD, once I learned I had it, and in the blog I mention that Rubio in 98 supposedly informed me over the phone… I have no memory of that, but I have a memory of a phone conversation with the doctor…. so who know’s what my state of mind was… we were still into drinking… damn, we could have paid off our home, with all our partying…. don’t miss it either… the partying…so PTSD, 2011 after a VA Appeal, the evaluation said PTSD and above average intelligence… I would put a laughing emoji… more of a smart ass, but Intelligent it is….

I am dreaming at night, but only just… not much of a view or thought of what I saw… no nightmares… no cranky mornings… in fact… when the rooster started it’s routine, I rolled over and went back to sleep… that is progress…. granted only a few more minutes… It’s like hitting the snooze on the alarm clock, which I wish was a rooster… wow, it’s been over 20 years since I did that routine, snooze alarm not strangle rooster…… I miss working though….

I can’t complain, not mentally… I find myself easily distracted by life it self and not so much the past… smells, sounds, objects, words… can trigger a memory… and those that have come forward… again, nothing new I haven’t always been aware of… just a memory that came out for airing….

Neurology needs to be involved… just because they recommend drugs, doesn’t mean I have to agree… so no meds for me, but more information about what and where and how it is triggered… this abnormal brain wave… I’m all for that….

Sleep is happening… all depends upon if I pig out on a munch before bed… or if I stick to the routine, nothing after 6PM, so I can sleep… just depends how good the pot is and that is a fact….there for a while, it was munch city, now it’s back to once in a while…. kind of hard to chew with your front teeth only, so after dinner, those painful partials come out and lately, munching has halted after that moment in time daily… which explains why the weight is coming off again… and blood work nixed my soft diet of choice… this is so not fun… do-able… but not fun….

Planning our holidays, what we plan to have sent as gifts that were raved over the last couple of years… Big Island Candies… oh my do they make wicked good stuff… and those kids that have contact with us, feeling them out… and we are trying to decide if we want to donate to several or adopt a family… so working on my budget….

Feds lowered the rate again and talking of doing it again before end of year… I thought 2008 to 2016 was rough… that was a cake walk to what is coming… it will make it a real estate buyers market… our house just became more affordable… payment would be with good credit, tax’s and insurance, cause you got to have hurricane coverage, plus mortgage… you would be looking at $1300 to $1500 that is zero down, like a VA or FHA or RECD loan… dependent upon your credit tier…

Told Mike, seriously thinking of buying a place back home, next year, that is more about the land, than the house… I can use my VA to buy a second home, did it when we moved here… had one in New Mexico and bought a 2nd house under VA on Hawaii… so if you didn’t know that… you can do it, but there has to be some distance between homes… Hawaii, New Mexico.. yep, plenty of distance….

Cloudy outside, quiet, for once… bangers have been bad, and that is because of them coming off the mountain… which they are now threatening officials… no longer a peaceful protest… this is terrorism and not about Hawaiians and sacred land….

So much rain, everything so green and growing so fast… my Haas avacado tree, the 3 year old, is about ready to drop it’s fruit… yum… we have a dozen pineapple plants, no fruit yet, we ate the last 3…. grapefruit and orange tree are producing and we should get to try those this year…. so not bad for only 3 years.. now into our 4th on Hawaii… this lot was bare when we bought it… now it’s a jungle….

Have a beautiful day….. and thanks for laughing along with me… never enough laughter in the world….

I Remember…. Margie….

Hilo VA impacting my Health!!! 100% Service Connected USAF DAV… what a joke VA health care is….

Well now the dental is impacting my over all health…

When you have a sliding hiatal hernia, Irritable bowel syndrome, mass adhesions and a rebuilt bladder and rectum….

The last thing you want is issues with digestion…. and thanks to the Hilo VA…

That is where I am at… and made sure the doctor got informed, so it could be documented….

I can’t fight against corrupt federal employees… been doing it for 30 years and I am spent…

But I can document the medical negligence… remember, the VA left a Transmesh inside me for a full year, even when the surgeon Dr. Twiss wanted to remove it 2 weeks after implant…that was 2009… by 2011, my rectum was detached, because the Tucson VA refused to schedule me for surgery…

It took me from 2011 to 2018, to get a board certified GYN/Urologist to be approved by the VA, so my rectum could be reattached… I found out as a woman, what it’s like to have a dick between the legs for a few years!!!!

Now the Hilo VA is playing god, by not doing the dental implants requested in May 2018 and now the surgery I went through in Feb 2018, is on the verge of being undone… because I can’t chew my food!!!!!!!!!!

I informed the doctor yesterday, that my crisis was now from my mouth to my ass and the surgeon warned me, make this rectocell procedure fail and I am looking a FULL PELVIC FLOOR REBUILD!!!!!!!

All because the Hilo VA is playing god !!!!!!

The diet I tried, while dealing with my dental crisis, caused my potassium levels to spike and anyone who knows about hearts and heart disease… potassium is not our friend if we get to much…

So, now what do I do??? Find foods I can get down??? Doc asked why I didn’t puree my food and I looked at her and said…. “17 years of domestic violence and the food the woman made me eat is why”!!!!!!!!!!! I would lose weight, not gain, if I went that route…

Will I let this turn into a health crisis… well the weight, not much I am going to be able to do about that… Mike can’t have high potassium, because of his heart failure… so it’s either processed foods or I eat less of what I normally cook, because it takes me forever to chew it and after about 5 minutes of eating I am in so much pain… I’m done…. so weight loss, here we go again…

Do you realize yoyo weight loss is bad for your heart…. didn’t I tell you I have heart disease and have had it since my death at 13, or didn’t it dawn on you???…

Yet somehow, I served the nation for 5 1/2 years, raised 2 sons and have been a productive member of society…. until the VA took over my health care…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember humanity once mattered… not if you are christian….

Word Press SIGN IN????

AGAIN!!!!!!

I NEVER SIGNED OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patience

I have a wealth of it…

Patience is something I have worked on…. I cut my hair crew cut style when Mike had open heart triple bypass…. shorter than a Marines hair cut… that was 2015….

This is how long it has grown, since he almost died….

I wonder if I have the patience to let it get to my ass๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜†

Life is about choices…only reason we are here, so the man made gods can control us๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I remember Margie an her long hair when she died at 13….at the hands of christians….

News never disappoints…

Get up this morn an the federal government is destroying Californias air, just to show them Trump is king and the kids an elderly do not need clean air…

A few mins later a senator from PA has lots of porn available for christians… as he is one, what harm when it comes to your kids??? Priest or Senator, as long as your god says your kids are fodder, why not???

I remember Margie before christians beat her to death….

CBC..

Quick note, now that WP has me pissed off….

CBC did include my white count and for me, it was in a good range…

It’s hard not to freak out about Agent Orange….

We lived on NAHA AFB, they sprayed the whole base, to keep the fauna under control… they found barrels of the crap buried north of Kadena…

Top that off, with my dad Don, bringing it home on his clothes…. and I was married to a veteran who died last year from Agent Orange and he was at the same base my dad was stationed at in Vietnam….

Not much more I can do about exposure, except bathe in it….

The files were declassified a few years back… I learned about the deposit of barrels on Okinawa, when I worked for the feds on Japan… it was classified at that time…

So when my white count spikes for no reason… I get worried….

My blood work was good, except for this T level that has to do with the thyroid and the doctor agrees, its time to get neurology involved, if my hippocampus was impacted… and there are test and measurements they can do, I think….

She is concerned about one level being low, but it’s not the one that puts you into a waking coma type thing… thyroid is scary… but my gut tells me I am right to stay off the thyroid medication at this time…

Weight was good, blood pressure up, but, I just pounded a big candy bar… so, if she had checked my sugar, it would have been up there also… but I have white coat syndrome and monitor my BP at home….

So, passed for all I need for the next eye surgery… couple of weeks, and I won’t be able to see crap out of either eye…. talk about going crossed eyed and no line of sight… this is going to be not fun… maybe, no clue… hope my right is stable by the time they do the left…

Bills coming in and I told doctor, if the surgical part doesn’t hurt money wise, she can refer me out for other things on medicare, instead of waiting months for VA approval… so couple weeks, those bills should show up and I’ll know if we can afford for me to go straight medicare for my health…. fingers crossed, so over god employees at Hilo VA….

Hot today, windy, but they are saying we are going to be hot for a couple more weeks… that AC is paying for itself….

Saw a house up for sale, that is only 2 years old and yea, they can make a profit on it… but not much… seeing it on the market is an indicator of what is to come and our being off the market, is a good thing… got a feeling the protestors are impacting more than they have any clue over… we can afford it… but we don’t work anymore… we have a income… sad to see, superstitions costing people their homes….

I Remember… Margie…

Touch me again and You will die…

The only time I stood up to the man before I left home…. was after he knocked me 10 feet across the room on my knees… and Freda said…”Don you shouldn’t have done that”….

How little did I know, I had the power to change our family forever and in a way I did…. I made sure I would not be welcomed in that family…. I was 17 years old, Naha AFB, Okinawa……

Upon our return to America…. I left home and started my own life… along the way, I tried entering the military and failed the test so miserably, it set me on a path of discovery… I just didn’t know it would take me from 1972 to 2017 to find the road home….

The chaos of stroke and traumatic brain injury has been one of the most fascinating experiences of my life and it is still ongoing…

Daily I wake to find my thought process and brain reaction evolving… Mike said, “does that mean you are growing up”??? I said,”I hope not”,… and I marvel at my tenacity to get this far, with little to no help from the professionals….

The abnormal brain wave happened a few days back, its documented in this goofy blog thing… and the body purge started, but not like it has done for decades… free fall… no this time is has been controlled, or at least I think that is what is happening….

I think some of what I deal with in the brain department with that abnormal brain wave, is connected to the endochryine system and the hippocampus… I really don’t know how to convey, what I am experiencing on the brain level… but I know things are changing…. for the good…

The body is responding to the physical part of this recovery…. and the brain is growing and adapting…. Some things will never change… like how I learn and absorb information… or how I make memories, because of all the trauma and brain injuries… those are structured and adaptive to the injuries and life I have lived….

I find my brain is more into learning new, not examing old… the book is in my mind a lot lately… how to put it all together… most of all how to start it…

Once that is figured out, it should just all fall into place… but I am not there yet… I still have more on this journey to accomplish… and I do want to undergo a couple EEG tests to see if we can get more answers about this brain wave abnormality I live with…

Here on Hawaii, we have lost over 2,000 doctors since we moved to the area… so health care is going to suffer, because the big island is growing… daily… though less people have insurance and government coverage, so waiting may not be as long as it is now… at least for this veteran…. who knows… not me….

Right now, it’s just live it one day at a time… we aren’t making plans… we are just living… until the players involved with my life do their jobs… we are in limbo and that is how I am taking it daily… just living and letting life go about it’s daily buisness… I’m just along for the ride….

I Remember… Margie….

Aloha…..

What a gorgeous way to start the day on Hawaii….

May your day be as gorgeous… Nature our only god….

I have a video, but for some reason only known to the owners of word press I don’t have access to my videos… ongoing problem with WORD PRESS from it’s get go… CAN NOT recommend this web site…. total fuck up….

I Remember… Margie….

Tune out the noise….

Today, oh so hot on our little island, Hilo saw over 90 today… and with humidity… it sizzled….

I spent the day, in between chores, watching about Egypt on NatGeo…. I find that show very interesting….

They got into findings that puts a Pharaoh as the one who led his people out of Egypt and the christians took the story and made it about a man named Moses, yada, yada, yawn…

Have you ever heard of the African laws??? Google the ancient African laws… it’s very interesting… thats where the 10 commandments came from…..

One banger up the street, another sitting down the street, booming… Hawaiian flags on the back of vehicles… so little respect for the land, the fauna or the life on the island… so much for that protest on the mountain… sounds a lot like bait and switch crap, just like Trump….

Noise gone, what was I writing about????

Egypt… fascinating subject and the more I learn about the plagues that were caused by a volanic eruption to the water not being parted on the red sea, but actually the wind blowing a path across the Nile.. the more I marvel at people believing anything that bible says…..

Science, history, archeology…. not stories… facts… and that is what feeds my soul…

Probably a big reason why I want to know what those who hurt me know… and they will take it to their grave… christian and coward are the same…

Quiet outside now, no bird song, no wind… AC was freezing me out… so house is open for the night… since my death… I don’t like being boxed in…

Our night is coming early for us… sun sets at 6:22 and we are dark till 12 hours later….this I will miss…. consistent long days of light…

Hurricane is out there, but looks like it will fall apart before getting to us… this is one season that is just nice…. and lots of water for long showers….

Day over, eyesight still goofy, but getting used to it… and in a few weeks the next eye gets done… oh ….. yea…….

Not watching much news and not spending much time thinking about the past… life moves on… and sometimes you just got to jump on the wagon…. it feels like a ride coming on….

I Remember… Margie….

I told a Lie….

Ooooops…. ya know, it’s been as hot as being back in Las Cruces, New Mexico during the monsoon season… and I owned a couple houses in that town for 8 years… so spent a few summers baking…..

On Hawaii, the big island, in HPP where I live… I am only about a mile from the ocean… can walk out my door and listen to the waves crashing on the cliffs and sorry the name of the cliffs, escape me…

And I can walk out my driveway to the road and see the ocean…. so we don’t live that far from water, the sound, the smell, the salt…

But when we lose our trade winds, and we have hot, wet, sticky, humid weather…. 88 degrees…. all of a sudden feels like 91+……

When the eruption last year happened, we are only a couple miles away from the lava flow and you could feel the heat, smell the gas and see the smoke and haze in the air… so we ordered what is called a Fujitsu split AC system… no duct work, just a unit outside and a fan unit up on the wall…

Well when we bought it, I told the kid, I wanted to be able to use it for the whole house, so he upped the unit inside, we are only 1020 sq ft…. Well, I have done everything but the right thing since the unit was installed and because I hadn’t done the right thing… when we were up for sale… I lied… by mistake….

I said the unit wouldn’t cool the whole house and that it wouldn’t freeze you out at night….

I WAS WRONG……..

The damn thing is freezing me out right now at 2 in the afternoon….

That was the one question asked when we had the house up for sale… about the AC and electric bill and by not doing what I should have when we bought it… ask or google info about what we bought… and use it properly… I told buyers the wrong information……

We have been hitting the low 90’s here on Hawaii and we haven’t opened our house up for a couple of days…. and the house feels awesome….

Our last electric bill only went up $10…. so I think I finally figured out how to use this split system and it was most definitely worth the $6,000 to have it installed… it has paid for it’s self the last 2 summers…. buyers will appreciate it, with global warming happening….

So, truth be told… the AC system will freeze you out of this little house… Electricity is not cheap on Hawaii… but you can’t put a price on comfort, definite selling point next year…….

I Remember… Margie…

Those who use Fear….

The fight or flight mechanism is all to familiar with me… mine was active for over 50 years…. I can even tell you when it started…. after my death in Big Springs, Texas at the hands of christians… the ones who use fear to control what they can’t be… good humans…………..

I hated the emotion and the feeling…. and I knew by the time I watched Don Bagwell dying and the circus that was going on… my fear dissolved… it did not disappear until recently… so we are talking 2006 to 2018…. before the fight or flight stopped, mentally and physically….

It mess’s with your blood pressure, it mess’s with your mental health, it mess’s with your physical ability…. it just flat out takes from you and the only reason I had it…. The Chrisitan Religion….. and once I found out the truth about that bull shit religion and the brain started working independent of the fear mongering of christians…. well……

The rest is history…….what psychology says about religion and waking up from the nightmare of brainwashing is true…. it is so liberating…..

The reason Freda & Peggy & Larry & Tiny can’t own what, when and where…. they fear how they will be judged…. hate to tell ya, but that is written in stone on that behavior and the judgement…. life passed it’s sentence a long time ago and their lives prove it….

Fear…. I hope I am helping Mike face his… his demon from his past… once you face the fear, life seems to play out softer, gentler path… not because of others… but…

Because you faced your fears…only you have true control over your world…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and her facing her fears when she died at 13 years old by the hands of christians who stole her body, but not her soul….

Fear Mongering…

Ya know Clinton tried it an Nixon, oh my, that was one of the worse people to create fear over nothing…but….

Trump and GOP Christian base have created a culture of fear, so much so, it is tearing families apart…

All because the christians are telling you to fear your shadow an your neighbor….

I remember America with humanity, until corrupt christian religion….

Art of Blocking Anyone…

Wow, how did I learn this one… the art of blocking people from my life???

It is a art and I really didn’t have to do much…. Just one little tactic….

I never lied to them…. I can remember every person, who stepped in my house and took a gold chain, here, a set of ear rings there… a little cash here… a bag of weed there…. and quite a bit more… as I sit here an grin about the property taken over the years and where those people’s lives are at now… yea, I can sit an grin… a sad one, but a grin….

I have been wrong and owned it… I own it and that is the end of it… some can never do that… it’s the god complex… hanging the apple over your head….. I own it for that reason, when it’s me… most don’t….

When the shooter in Sutherland Springs, Texas….. when it hit the news… on Nov 5, 2017… I never let the thought get far from my mind… and about that time, Freda wanted money back, that should have never been borrowed… and you will have to go back to the start of the blog, to understand…

By Christmas of 2017…. I was writing… by April 2018, I had no family left… though they tried to stop the writing… they tried to stop me from remembering….

The art of blocking… for me…

always be truthful…. people will either respect and walk the same path or they will walk behind ….

that is all I had to do to block the people who beat the crap out of a child…..

Tell the Truth….

I Remember…. Margie….

Every one is so Angry….

I have been talking about the games people play… never got protesting, but I never was part of anything that required protest in such a public way…. until I got my memories back and the living denied me critical health information…. and I got angry…. and I showed it…. just like everyone else in the world… I showed my anger…. and I realized… our anger was being fed by those in power… National leadership, religious leadership, Internet leadership…. all these people in power… were playing all of us….

That is when my anger walked out the door… I took the puppet strings off and decided that my brain had a lot more use, than being led around by Trump, christians, muslims, it didn’t matter… I was using the brain I was born with….

I took what I had to be angry about and put it in it’s place… no longer in control of me… but me in control of it… and ya know what… the world looks a hell of a lot better than it did, when the religious and the leadership were messing with it….

I can’t save the world… but I can make my own a whole lot better…

Those that want to be a part of it, will either make the effort or continue to live their lives always asking…..

What If….

I Remember… Margie…

Splurge… how to deal with climate change

sometimes ya just got too

Hot an humid on Hawaii… This morning one of the mountain protestors banged their noise loudly at 5:30 AM…showing respect for land and seniors๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก

So hide inside, AC blasting an a big bowl of ice cream an blueberries…

I remember home made ice cream….

Dropsie’s…..

Dropsie’s… not sure I spelled that right, but it’s been getting worse and it started in the military… got wrote up for it… so at least if nothing else that dumb ass dentist I worked with did me a favor… he gave me a time stamp on the progression of the neuropathy…. so thanks Dr. Jacobs… that was 1979…. just a FYI, if you were curious… oh and the write up, I threw the instruments that were in my right hand into the sink… and just a FYI, those are not cheap tools and breakage was easy and no, I didn’t throw them, it was involuntary movement… but thanks doc, you helped with my paper trail…. and yea, I got a copy of the write up…. document, document, document… smartest thing this woman ever did….

Last night, I was putting stuff away and grabbed the brand new electric flat griddle and the next thing it’s flying and I got blood flowing out of my foot…. you have no clue how pissed I am… that is the 3rd griddle in the last 6 months to a year… that I have dropped and busted………………………………

Was it lack of attention to what I was doing or was it the inability to keep hold of something I grabbed….. and I got to go with not being able to keep hold…

All this means… it’s a pattern of problems that have been going on since my service time, so over 40 years…. and it’s just another one of those special gifts that christians gave me, by beating me to death….

So nothing new… except… hubby is in town for an appointment and he called to ask what kind of new griddle I wanted and after I told him, one that goes on the stove… I told him to pick up a new electric can opener… I broke ours this morning….

That is the life of a person who lives with damage to their body, not by doing anything to it….But by christians beating the crap out of a child for 17 years….. so gang, I got no love lost for any human that calls themselves anything but human….

Which begs the question, who the hell do I get to vote for president???? Rich get off easy, the powerful never serve behind bars or in orange and religion continues to lie, steal, rape, cheat and murder…. and most of you support it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because you don’t know who is religious or not, until they open their holes….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Neuropathy and it’s damage…

I don’t get all of this yet… got to remember… I got the official diagnosis in Feb 2018, right after my surgery….

The neurologist who stuck the needles in my legs and arms, stated that I had severe Peripherial neuropathy and Autonomic Neuropathy…. both, I knew about, I just didn’t know the appropriate names for them…

Diagnosising your self on the internet is dangerous and thankfully, I have lots of on the job schooling and my own continued education…. so far I haven’t been wrong on any of my diagnosis… the medical side can’t say that…. i.e. fibromyalgia diagnosis, 1998 Spokane VA, Dr. Sheer said I had this… when in reality… it was always neuropathy and I can tell you when it started…. 1960…..

We did our mile walk and I was having very sharp pains, which had been going on for a couple weeks off and on… and I think because of exercise… something is out of place… and I asked Mike if he had some of the same symptoms… remember, he broke his neck at 18… so he’s got lots of issues, he caused himself… and he could relate to my description of pain….

I can tilt my head forward with spine straight and it reverberates down my spine… the pain… the pain that has been with me since Freda beat me with that old fashion yard stick… picture is on the blog, the damage she left behind…

I always wondered why I felt ripples in my arms, legs, and ribs… come to find out that is the by product of blunt force trauma… and since I was never in a bad auto accident… mine is 100% from being beaten as a child by christians… who know their god by the way… cowards… I could chew them up and spit them out…. and that is, a disgusting thought….

The PT kids I asked to be sent back to, taught me a lot… but I need more… because I am taking pain meds and I don’t like to do that, unless it’s dental…. the rest of my body… this is something I have lived with now for 60 years, because a adult who calls herself christian beat the shit out of a 5 year old…. nice christian….

The body hurts and I know I need to work out, to loosen up what is tightening up…. I really do eny those who are motivated to be physical… I do it out of necessity and the desire to eliminate some of the non stop pain a christian thought I deserved….

Sounds a lot like Trump, piss him off and he’s going to make you pay… and boy is the dude making middle America pay…. You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to educate and not buy into, “If it sounds to good to be true, you know it’s a con”…. and that is all christians like Trump do… CON….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDdintTell, well look at how Graham an Kavanaugh ganged up on Professor Ford… Who I believe over christians like Graham and Kavanaugh or Trump and Thomas!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

My Escape Plan….

Don’t got one… but… I do love to sit and go off on a trip in my mind…

Sometimes it can take me away for a few minutes…

Sometimes it can take me away for a few hours….

And I just let the imagination grab hold of any thought and let it run….

I have been playing specific type of games on the PC to make my eyes track moving objects… and that allows me escape… and enjoyment, till my wrist tells me I am done…

Some call my escape meditation… As a child, it’s what I used to survive what was transpiring in plain sight and behind closed doors… I never will understand anyone turning a blind eye to abuse… but we did put a rapist in the white house…

Still looking for that depression that should have taken up residence by now… waiting for that short fuse to let go… anything… and I got nada…

Talked with dental clinic yesterday and started that process… been out and about and people were so nice… again, it was early, had to do a fasting blood test… think we found the time and days to do our shopping…

I am using the down time constructively and I am using the active time, to work back what the down time took…

Mentally, it’s just wait and watch…. and most of all hope… but, not all of any of this is out of my control…

we can leave here any time we chose… it’s just not the right time, at this specific moment in time…

Maybe that is why no depression… I have options….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Trumps christian Hookum…

Have you noticed???

Drugs are being provided by American companies and overdoses are being blamed on a WALL at the Mexico border???!!!

Have you noticed every mass shooting has been by a American citizen, on the American side of the wall??!!??!!

Have you noticed people who represent churches are taking their lives, because they are caught in a real life scam?!?!?!?!

Eliminate religion and take power away from Russia run NRA…..

And just maybe America will be great again??????

Leave things as they are, America will never be anything but a cesspool for the corrupt christian base that thinks slavery is a right and one they earned…. because as a woman, I have less rights than a christian or a man!!!!!

SGT USAF DAV I remember Margie an when christians raped and murdered her!!!

Hypnotize Me???

Ever watch this show, called Hypnotize Me???

Reminds me of the jibber jabber I did as they took me in for eye surgery two weeks ago….

Things I said would make a sailor blush….

Less than a month, here comes another jibber jabber๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคจ

I really do not want to remember next time๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜Œ

Evolution Sucks… so do hot Flash’s!!!

Now that the oral infection is abated…. and the migraine headaches I was having are gone… we are back to normal operating perameters….

When the doctor told me women can experience hot flash’s up to the day they die….. all I could think of was scalping the woman and do a war dance!!!

ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME??????

Come to find out… nope….

Now that I am off the thyroid medication, oral infection is gone… it would seem my body is back to doing what it should be doing as it ages…..

It’s NOT FAIR!!! I started hot flash’s when I was 26 years old and the Air Force took out my organs….

39 years I have had those pain in the ass hot flash’s…. and they are still here…. I can’t catch a break… I really can’t……..

IT’s not like it was when the surgery was done… that was a new kind of hell the female body an brain can go through…..

I don’t need hormone therapy…. I am pass that point in age and body…

Now it’s maintain and try and keep it working properly……

But every time that flush happens… all I can think about is my head out the car window, doing 60MPH…. so instead I turn the AC on and stand in the line of fire…..

65 years old and still having hot flash’s…..

Men really need to take a turn at this… Evolution… here’s your chance… make those suckers deal with all the hormones!!!!

Equality my ass!!! Put a woman in the white house and that will show America!!!!

I Remember… a day, when a hot flash, was because I blushed…. those days are long gone… Now I make others blush…. True Story….

Harnessing my Frustration…

If I didn’t think my neighbors would call the cops, I would let loose one hell of a scream…. only because…. my vision is all over the place….

I don’t know what I expected… but this, wasn’t it…..

One minute I can see the computer screen, good enough to read it… but not well enough to get online and do research… which I am itching to do….

According to the post op, this will go on for several weeks and once that eye starts to settle down, you are getting the other eye operated on and get to start all over again….

I do my cooking by habit and smell, can’t tell certain things when I am cooking, so far, we are both gaining weight, so, guess it’s all good….

As for research, or learning all this new software… not going to happen any time soon…

It frustrates me, because, I have to do something repeatedly, before I have it down and don’t struggle… always been that way, since Texas and the stroke at that moment in time…

Mike is letting me take over the lead on this move… and until I get word what the VA is doing… we know, no more today, than yesterday…. it’s like waiting for this…. FIGMO…. anyone military gets this…..

Called dental clinic and requested new partial… so in a couple months, should have a new one… oh joy for the next couple of months hiding…

Gray kind of day and not sizzling hot, yet…. wet… plenty of wet….everything is flourishing and I hear the bird song on the wind…. and 2 chickens outside my fenced yard… pups sound aspleep at my feet… yep, nice day on Hawaii…..

I have lots of frustration to deal with for a while… but I’ll get answers in the process too…. and for the first time in over a year… the area of bone that had been hurting… seems to be done, once the offending root was removed… infection for over a year…. wow…. at least I got a MRI out of it and that gave me more answers and more questions…..

So lots of frustration… but lots going on too… enough so, we won’t be to bored…. told Mike, time for him to go play some golf and goof off…. he’s earned it… so cooler weather, any time you are ready……

I am working to make the frustration work for me… in little things, and conversations with those in charge… always heard you could attract lots more with honey, than you can with acid…. so I am trying the honey…. time will tell if it works… It won’t work on people like Trump…. no one has that kind of patience…. to put up with the green acres president…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…. because of men in power, protecting men in power…. and women keep letting them do it…. you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix it’s self…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Kidde alarms…

Sitting, early because of roosters, having our coffee and the hall alarm goes off…..

Get the offending alarm and its sibling and shut them down… they never triggered the other two alarms…๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคฌ

These come in a two pack… we think๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†they are defective… We left the other two mounted and active…. but, these are spendy and now we know how to adjust the other kind….

Plan to put a whole new set in…. an see if warranty is on the fancy pain in the ass kidde ones๐Ÿ˜‚ can not recommend these fancy ones…. go basic, they are adjustable….

I remember how noisy these are….

Never give up….

Depression, can be the worse thing in your life, especially if you have no skills to be able to cope and you rely on religion or internet searches or social media…. all of which, can make depression worse… not better….

When I had questions, I asked… I rarely got any answers that related or helpful… but, I still asked questions…. Even after the way mental health treated my 6 year old, after rape… because it was more important to protect Vance AFB….

Depression is something I have lived with for over 50 years….. My memory tells me, I started experiencing depression around 5 years old….

It walked with me, slept with me, impacted me, made choices for me, led me down different paths in life…. yet… I wouldn’t let depression own me… it tried… damn, did it ever try…. but….

That light at the end of the tunnel, I knew it was reachable… I just had to find the answers that worked for my brain…. not my faith, not my beliefs… but what my brain would accept and I wouldn’t fight…. and once I got the religion out of the brain….

The rest is history… and yet I marvel at the lives lost, because they believe in a god…. and our brains are programmed to go thier… this belief in gods…

Our brains are also capable of reasoning out truths from fantasy….

We just have to chose to not fear life…. and let life fear us… an you can’t do that, if you fear a god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie… if you feel the need to hurt yourself or anyone or anything else… please seek help… you are worth it….

You prove Religions corruption…

In 24 hours… two church issues hit the news… and one of those, just proves my point and the other one… proves my other point….

When you buy into religion and you are dealing with mental health issues, you are setting yourself up to fail… Religion is based on the reality of stories and not facts, not science, no foundation but faith and stories… that makes the brain conflicted… and sets the brain up to fail…. Psychology says that religion is delusional… and if you have mental health issues, you literally set yourself up to fail… I didn’t write the psychology… just a FYI…. I just read it and investigated it… just like I did religion… so far, psychology has been right and religion has cost lives…. this is in reference to suicide, while saying god is real… never like to see anyone take their life… regardless who they are… life is that precious….

Throw in a church in California that used homeless people as slave labor…

Well I have been saying it from the beginning… Slavery in America is not dead…. only because of your god…. and that church in California proved my point….

I did the religious thing… so did Mike and it cost him… for me… it cost me time, because christians are playing god with life… and mine happen to be one of those lives…

I just happen to take it back from the corrupt hands of christians…. my life is worth fighting for….

doesn’t seem to work that way for those who believe in gods, they would rather throw the gift of life away, than say god does not exist…

But this human… this atheist… knows for a fact, my life is worth fighting for…. PTSD and all… My life is worth the fight…

But, I don’t buy into mans god either… I am in charge of my life… not you or your man made god….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and the fight she did to keep her soul after christians took her life at 13 years old….

Moments in Time….

Ever follow Hawking or watch his special on the Science chanel??? Dude was brillant, so is Neil and many others… always enjoy the programs they do….

I liked how Hawking talked about alternate universes… which would explain why we think we see ghosts… it’s just an alternate moment in time and the way Hawking talked, the number of those worlds would not be countable… that would be so, just… wow, type of experience… some relate those moments in time to De je vue…. like in the Matrix….

So many theories out there about how we came to be, why we are here and where we are going…. so many to chose from, to make your reality more real…. in your world….

Lately, things like smells, sounds and a flash of memory, hits my senses as if I just walked into a field of Magnolias…….

I am dreaming again, and it’s waking me up, because I am having a hard time facing the memory…..

That light that I held for a short while, is back at the end of the tunnel… again…

I just have to journey to the end… so the light is mine, once more….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Kidde alarms….

We mounted them as high as you can go, which is where the builder put the hard wired alarms….

So far, we got to sleep, an keep house closed…. an with hot, hot humid weather on Hawaii, I will take it….

If they go off, we will have to go with low tech that we can adjust….

These talking alarms are loud, obnoxious and definitely wake you up… If you have kids or elders, these will get your attention an save your lives or annoy the hell out of those lives๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Sgt USAF DAV

Which way did it go???

I keep looking for it, expecting it, wondering what happened to it… What is IT???

Depression….

I really should be down and bummed and gorging and doing all the wrong things… instead its…

Oh Well….

My eyes are getting done and so far, it’s not cost me a fortune, yet… my teeth will be addressed to a point… any further, that is up to the federal employee playing god….

We plan to do an appraisal, before we go back on the market, so no surprises there…. and I figure if things happen, we will adjust…

So, nope, got no clue where that depression snuck off too….

House closed up, humid, muggy, warm… and very tired of a rooster waking us up, before we are ready… so… I think we may stay closed up for a while, and catch up on sleep…

We mounted the fancy smoke detectors up high… we have the air purifier machine running…. and if those damn things go off, a few hours after we go to bed…. I’m looking for a skeet gun!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Remembering to Live….

Transitions happen in life… and damn, the screen is fuzzy…. my vision is still not stable… wow, this is a trip, the eye surgery….

Anyhow…. I know the drill… the way I transition in life to circumstances I have no control over….

Example… I called out my oldest… hoping the wake up call would change his path, he was hell bent on… one that would lead to a life of always trying to out guess and stay one step ahead… same kind of con Trump is pulling…

I find it ironic, conversations my children had, or let me put it this way… things they said and did, so they could feel comfortable with distancing themselves from me…my way of life is stricter than any religion I have ever studied… may explain that bucket of shit Freda talks about… it’s just natural for me… to choose the right path, free of mans religious fears…..

Example…. in 2008 I got the official diagnosis of COPD… my oldest didn’t believe I have this illness… so I told him what he wanted to hear… I didn’t have the illness….

Ironic, but I was born with double phneumonia… according to Freda and I almost died or something along that line, according to her verison of events… from that time on, bronchitis was and always has been a part of my life… thus the bio-feed back exercises in the military… to help me cope with the heavy calcification on my rib cage at a young age… the bio-feed back was also to help with coping with the rape of my child and other health issues… but my lungs, it has played an important role in keeping me off medications… I do use a specific type of inhaler to keep my lungs working better… so I can breathe deeper….

As for the transition…. I can feel it happening… It’s the way I cope with those who tried to take from me and put the blame on me… it’s life, because of those who can’t live like I do or envy, I don’t know, I give up trying to figure out why people behave the way they do and call it appropriate behavior towards their child, parent, grandparent or friend…

I call it like it is… you can’t live the way I do, and call yourself christian… just that simple…

Being good, doesn’t require a religion… being good requires a desire to live life based on laws….

We all screw up… but we don’t all own it…

Instead we pray away our sins and transgressions, instead of owning life, we sell it to the highest bidder and for most… that’s a god or the con they are living….

I feel sorry for these people, regardless their relation to me… it’s always comes down to one thing and one thing only in life….

Choice….

I am choosing to transition into how I plan to live the last of my years on earth…. those players that chose a path of lies and deceit… won’t be a part of that life… only because of their….

Choices… and fear of how I judge them… like that really has any value… you have to forgive yourself, so you can walk away from mans gods and head fake beliefs… life is and always will be about one thing only….

Choices….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDdintTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….