They Didn’t Know, I Didn’t Remember??? edited…

As I was leaving for the bowling alley at Naha AFB, Okinawa… Mom and Dad in an argument…

As I walk by, I put my two cents in and the next thing I know, I am picking myself up off the floor 10 feet later….

As I stood up and wiped the blood from my lip… I looked at the man I called Dad and said… “Ever touch me again, you will be dead”… and my mother said…. “Don, you shouldn’t have done that”…. my heart is pounding out of my chest… I just relived that moment in time…. and now know why I have numbness in that part of my face…. sigh……………………………………

When Don showed up at the bowling alley with the suitcase… I am still not 18 years old and in high school… senior year and he’s letting me go back to the states to stay where no clue, live how, no clue….

As I walked up to him… my face a little less pretty, my knees raw meat from the carpet as I was in shorts… I couldn’t help but smile… not because of this next paragraph… but because that is how I reacted to violence….

My dad took it as forgiveness and that all was well between us and took the luggage home… it was his way of buying my keeping my mouth shut… because… either the brain bleed that happened at off base housing on Japan in 68 after the near death or my parents were unaware I had a stroke in 67 when I died??? They did not know I did not remember….

The fear my parents presented me with, in 1971 on Naha AFB in that old base housing hit me this morning like a ton of bricks….

It is another way to look at the story… as Freda, mommy, who is living is not talking and if my suspicion is right… she has frontal dementia and has had it for a long time… we’ll see if I ever hear even about her death…. I may never know that answer…. and it really has no value if I got it…

It’s what I think and what I see that matters and most of all being true to the story… but…. with any brain injury that takes memory from you, you are always second guessing… even if you have high functioning memory like mine….

So this is what has taken from my sleep… that aha moment in time and I got to relive it this morning as if it just happened…. and it helps explain the added injury to my left knee, which Freda beat with a wooden ruler at age 5…. add that slide across that carpet at 17, it has never been the same… the Air Force flight surgeon injected cortisone into it, right after I got out of basic, less than 7 years after the last injury to it, my knee that is….The puzzle for that injury is now complete….

But so many more to go… sigh……………………………………….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her love of the outdoors, because it was her escape… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD is no longer winning…

The day has been stressful… dealing with loans, credit companies, realtors…

Trying to make sure I don’t leave us vulnerable and get us the best deal we can get….

I only lost my temper once in the last 24 hours with someone other than Mike… and it was more rudeness than losing temper… Mike, he got jumped on for about 45 seconds…

The pattern before I got my memories back would have been melt downs, over whelming feeling, unable to do what needs to be done in a timely manner, confusion and then anger over my behavior!!! Not any more…

I may not be getting the sleep I need, but I am not having the nightmares that keep me from that sleep…

So this is all about adjusting to the new normal on the chemical reaction in my brain…. I like it… it is still an adjustment after decades of behavior… but I knew it wouldn’t come down the pike fast and I knew I would hit road blocks and barriers along this journey… Still I like what is happening…

Owning it for me and acknowledging, I have zero control over anyone or anything… except… for myself… and that is enough work….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the angry men of Trumps culling…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Living on my terms….

Living with conflict, because you do not know you have multiple brain injuries… is no picnic… and those who are living that know about my injuries… lets just say, they will never cross my threshold… not revenge… not hate… just the final door closing on some of my journey to remember….

Watching the news and hearing about how corrupt Trump and his Christian base are… would have set me off, gagged me to no end, instead, I am just reminded of the life I led up till Nov 7, 2017… based on Christian’s lies… and I let go a very deep sigh, yet my shoulders stay high… no longer defeated by a corrupt people or religion… oh this feels so good!!!…

We have been working the last couple of days to get our ducks in a row… house ready for listing, putting an offer in on a property back home and getting all that is needed in order to full fill these desires… no need to run to mommy and take her money, no need to ask Uncle the millionaire…

No, since Mike got sick in 2002… we have done all this on our disability income and living within our means and most of all buying what we needed, not wanted…. our reward, buying the home of OUR dreams, not anyone else’s….

I think the hardest thing for me in this journey, accepting I live with a “Mental”, “Condition” and when someone takes a swipe at those disabilities I look at them for what they are, bigots… doesn’t matter if you are college educated or illiterate… your ignorance is my defense and it sure makes my life so much easier, why???

Because I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks…

I am living life on my terms….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I remember… Margie… who always looked at you for your light or darkness…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memory Triggers, You just never know…in memory of Robin Ackley Pruitt

I had gone to bed, spending my day, marveling at the loss of a friend, who remembered me, but I had no memory of her…. and it still impacted me… her sudden death…

Psychology and neurology, you got to give it to the kids that go to school… it is one fascinating subject and when you are the one living the text-book junk… it is like being in the movie “A Wrinkle in Time”…. which was an okay movie… but the concept behind the story was brilliant…

My voice was silenced at one time by christians and men in power… once that voice started squeaking out it’s refusal to be shackled by man any longer… she got a new label… Bitch… and I smile and think of Lindsey Graham and Kavanaugh and their contorted faces of rage of getting caught with their hands up a womans skirt… and I melt back and think of the courage it took for Professor Ford to come forward… she is my kind of hero… not Graham or Kavanaugh or Trump…. they are they takers and destroyers of the world… they sold their humanity to the highest bidder, christianity and it is showing on their faces every day… much like Dorian Grey….

As I drifted off to sleep, I asked my brain, let me dream of Robin… let me see the friendship she valued so much, she accepted me, damaged goods and all…

Instead I got sleep, no dreams that I know of at all… my waking mind and my sleeping mind… denying me my memories….

I once told Mike, I can’t love you the way you love me… I can’t do that with anyone… it’s not in me… that was before I knew of the stroke and it’s location and the damage that sector of the brain can do to a person’s emotional ability…. maybe why I like the character Spock so much or Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang…. but…

I lose out on so much, because I do not have that ability… not that I don’t want it… if it’s not there, it’s not there… just like being born LGBTQ is no different… reality is… what I live… I have no other choice, I wasn’t given one…

We are working furiously to make an offer on a house… we hope to have a contract in place by Friday of next week… so excited…. maybe that is why I slept so good… we made a choice… the conflict is over….

I will miss my friend, even though I do not remember her from my youth… I value the friendship we nurtured over the past few years… I will always be happy I kept that picture from Johnson AFB in base housing as we were going to school with her name written under it… I got to know her twice…. she will be missed… much love on your next journey Robin Ackley Pruitt….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved adventure…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Death walks with all of us… may your soul soar to the stars Robin…

I always wondered why death didn’t scare me and why those who believed in gods, needed that faith… My sister tells me my mother fears death… that is so telling… if you fear death… you know there is no god and you will be remembered for your sins…

When I did the zip line and had no fear… I knew… once I faced my own death experience from when I was 13 years old and faced the cruelty of the humans that did so much to a child… I owned death… not the other way around…

I have always celebrated life… It is so very precious and our time is not a given… nor is tomorrow… that is why I did the zip line with my niece… you only live once…

A friend or I should say a person who reached out to me a few years ago, was with me in high school on Japan… she had much information to give me to fill in my missing memory… and she confirmed what I suspected….

Earlier this morning, that friend died… she is my age… a woman who has a beautiful, massive family and tons of friends… passed away today… and I couldn’t shed any tears…

Why??? 

Because from what she told me, we celebrated life when she was alive and we were young… 

I hope someday, I get those memories back… until I do… I will live with the knowledge that Robin Ackley Pruitt and I celebrated life… her a christian… me an atheist…yet we still called each other friend…

May the stars take her soul and soar…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved movies and watched them with Robin at Johnson AFB movie theatre, Japan……

Sgt. USAF DAV

23andMe Genetic Testing… so worth it…

Every time I told doctors that the reason my body had the issues it had, was because of domestic violence from childhood and that it is all based on my memories…. they will come out and say… well your condition can be contributed to this illness, yada, yada, yada…. I have been trying to get someone to listen since 2010, when I stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory…

Just got the results in on “Hereditary Amyloidosis TTR related”… causes a build up of a protein in the body and impacts the nerves and heart and couple other things… much like neuropathy… see where I be going….

Every genetic test done and just a FYI for you new bees… the VA did authorize extensive genetic testing last year and between that and the 23andMe DNA testing…. I got nothing…. and that is what I told doctors for the last 45 years… you got it wrong… this illness or condition I was having them address was not from genetic or illness…. it was from something else… and sadly, I didn’t know that until Nov 7, 2017 when I got my memories back…

Oh this is beyond frustrating, okay, maybe not beyond… alright it’s slightly annoying, that the living are sitting on their brains and thumps in their mouths!!! sorry, couldn’t come up with anything funny, tired….

Every day that goes by and I don’t react the way I used too and I am physically able to do more and feel more stable and not so afraid to do things… Every day I don’t take someone’s head off, starting with the ass they use for brains… I am making progress….

No matter how far I dig to find a case study, even remotely close to mine… I come up empty… I really wish an up and coming neurologist or neuro shrink, working on their PhD… would get wind of the story and just imagine how much I can pluck from that text-book of fresh knowledge, who is not ingrained in text book treatments and causes…. Hope springs eternal…

It takes time and it takes quiet for me to sit and search and read papers and get into the schools and other sites I use for research… that is not happening with us pushing to get ready to move…

So, as the wind blows nicely through the house… the sun shines and the parrot up the street screeches as usual… this time next year, we will be moved and hopefully, I am getting some things accomplished with this book…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was healthy until christians god touched her life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD is evolving….

3 months off the Levothyroxine and I feel like a new person… almost… a few more months of exercising, I might feel almost there… sort of…

Very little sleep and I am trying to figure out what the catalyst is, causing the sleep interruption…

Very cranky today and had to deal with the credit bureau about the service we pay for, never like dealing with those I can not understand on the phone.. so frustration on top of little sleep and I didn’t go ballistic on the supervisor at Experian… so yep, progress….

The dreaming is there and it is vivid and yes I am remembering… most of it is just normal every day stuff that went on as a kid… but it just shows me that the neurologist was right, the memories may be there and I need to ratchet down my expectations and let nature do its thing…

Add stress of the move and getting our ducks in a row… I am surprised how I handle the stress and my response to it…

Lots of pain in the left fore arm, soreness from the muscle coming back to life… I get lots of nerve pain and some areas that had no feeling or strength, they are getting better or are better than what was happening before the physical therapy…

Trying to tolerate a little pounding when on the elliptical… that jarring when I ramp up my speed, lets me know just how thick those ribs are from all the beatings I got as a child… it makes sense what the Air Force flight surgeon said… “it’s like you were a prize-fighter”… that was 1978, I was 24 years old and my rib cage x-rays said my ribs looked like those of a 64-year-old woman… which is what I am now… so you can imagine how much more calcification my ribs have done with aging on top of the injuries from childhood… so, it explains why it is painful to pound that part of my body, but I am doing it and finally too a point, where the pain is subsiding and I can tell the muscle is doing its job…

This is all a slow progress… It takes energy, desire and most of all motivation and that part of my brain when it comes to exercise, goes the other direction…. as long as I wake up sore every day, I am doing what is needed… just wonder if I am going to be sore forever???

As for confusion or speech issues or any cognitive problems… nothing that I haven’t dealt with since the near death in Big Springs, Texas in 1967 and brain bleed on Japan in 68/69….

We have had lots of interest in our house, before its up for sale, so we know, it will go quickly and we will be back on the mainland before we know it…

I see sunshine for the first time in days… time to get chores done and get busy… we did our mile walk late due to rain….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her pucking all over dad and Johnny… after the TV beating… in dad’s fancy Belair… amazing how these memories work… I was 6 yrs old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When in Doubt??? ASK!!!

We have been speculating based on our own information, credit, yada, yada and past purchases… just about how much we can spend on our final home… well one phone call later and I am happy to know… half a million is not in my future…

But the type of property and the amount we want to spend… we can and that is what we are looking at…

Spent the afternoon, sharing those choices with the kids on face book… since they live in that area…

We have some choices and it will be fun to pick one and make it our final home…

Kind of glad I bought a new car last year… it kept me from being able to go near that half million… that was one scary mortgage payment, but wow… was it one beautiful property in the Methow in Okanogan county… look for it, priced about $483,000 I think… had a big building for entertaining and a beautiful log home… HOA $35 a month… it was sweet, but not for us…

So every day, we get a little more done and hope that everything works out the way we are working towards… something can always go wrong…

For April, this has been comfortable weather for Hawaii and we’ll take it… now if the dogs would quit barking up the street… neighbor had a wild pig on his property the dogs went nuts over the other night… that is one less wild pig for Hawaii… now if they could come up with a way to silence the roosters!!! oh, owner disposed of pig, dogs were just barking…just what hubby told me today….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… the fearless soul…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD, TBI, Neuropathy and truly giving up on the VA….

So much going on in our world and I watch as the Cathedral of Notre Dame burns to the ground and am reminded… nothing is permanent in this world… here today, gone tomorrow… and that is a true story….

The PTSD, the depression has been so much easier to handle, now that I am not taking Levothyroxine for my thyroid, which other than a few pounds of weight gain, all is well with my under active thyroid… so the depression that really took me down dark paths, was drug induced by man-made pharma…. thank you for selling us out FDA….

Neuropathy, the PT is teaching me a lot and I am trying to absorb as much knowledge as possible… all that head pain I was feeling when the Levothyroxine was poisoning me… was complicated by neuropathy…. there is so much that goes on with my issues, they all point back to neuropathy… so I am learning to recognize the signs and work with my body and not against it… so far it seems to be working….

TBI… oh my, how do I cover every little thing that goes on with this journey…. I lost my memories for over 50 years, it is an adjustment to the reality of what happened, the secrets still being kept by christians and most of all the secrecy of my own government… but that is something I will address upon our return to the mainland and we get moved into our home… So the journey about the memories will be ongoing, the battle with the government… time will tell…

As for the VA…It is the worse government agency I have ever had to deal with… Born into military life because of dad… taking up the helm myself as an adult and carrying that on into federal employment up to 96… VA has been the worse agency I ever had to deal with and they have millions of lives in their greedy corrupt hands… so our next purchase will keep us out of their reach and civilian health care is what I will continue to receive… probably using my medicare, more than my VA… Sometimes paying that 20% difference is just a peace of mind I get, when I don’t have to deal with corrupt federal employees… 

Time is going quickly… Almost all packed, except for what we need to live for the next 3 or 4 months… one more big project to do and it’s just waiting for the time to pass…

2 more PT appointments… and I hope they have taught me enough, so that I can do this on my own… we are looking at buying a home with a pool, so we can continue our activities… size of the house scares me though…. nothing on my eye surgery, so likely, when we get home and hopefully before I have permanent damage…I know nothing of this kind of eye issue, I just don’t like it!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who stayed at the pool in Alabama after the boob incident… anything to keep out of Freda’s reach…

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA’s Incompetent Appeal System and lack of accountability….edited

Oh boy, have I got some horror stories, lets start with the one in El Paso, the VA appeal, 2010 and the doctor I see, and Mike is with me… is for a physical exam, blood work, etc… Well I just had a physical exam and blood work and recommended he look at them, since it was at that facility and not only that, the woman he saw before me… the paper was still on the exam table with her body fluids!!! EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! But this doctor wrote he examined me… so I raised holy hell about that and never got a response or investigation… the dude must have really earned that money for the Mercedes we saw him driving!!!

Another time, I was on the phone with the Arkansas VA and Mike was on the extension and this dude started screaming at me…. and I mean he was screaming to the point he was not coherent…. I requested an investigation and the employee’s name… this was 2004 and I never got an apology or investigation and the employee is still working there according to that state senator’s office I contacted in 2011 when working on my El Paso appeal… and never heard from Arkansas again…an yes the incident was on record…

At the El Paso VA, while waiting to get my travel, the dumb ass federal employee locked herself out of the payroll and couldn’t get entrance and it caused a 2 hour delay in getting travel and she went off on me, all I did was look at her and the guys standing their with me all were shocked at the employee’s behavior… it took El Paso over 6 months before I got an apology…. also the El Paso VA gave out my social security number in 2013, when policy was in place in 2008 forbidding them to do so… I have paid for credit monitoring ever since!!!

Now you can see just by these stories I do have a good memory… so you would think I would remember being told in 99 that I had PTSD!!!!

Well that was an appeal or something going on and just like the evaluation at the El Paso VA…. 

I was never informed of the results of the mental evaluation…. but the records say I was informed… so who do you believe???

The federal employee, who like Trump took and swore an oath….

Or do you believe the person who has nothing to lose…. the patient???

So I was right about my memory and my frustration with the VA system by 98…..

I will never know if what I just wrote is 100% right… all of the stories above, except the Spokane VA evaluation and being informed, per my records and the doctors statement…. Mike knows about… this one in Spokane has us both stumped and that is normal in VA health care… why???

Accountability and thanks to Trump, there is zero accountability for the private health care we now get, but takes over 60 days to get care and if you are stage 4 cancer… that 60 days may be your last…

What Obama fixed, the republicans and christians have undone in 24 months and it is not getting better….

People are now dying… and they wore a uniform to protect your sorry ass…. yep, makes me proud to be a veteran some days…. as I read or hear of another veteran that died, due to lack of care….just wow….

Saw the eye doctor the 13th of Feb and he suggested surgery to give me back vision in my left eye… that was over 60 days ago and not a word from anyone… Not VA, not Tri-West, Not Oahu VA, whom I spoke to via their call to me a couple weeks ago…. yep we are back to where we started thanks to Trump and the republicans and mostly bat shit crazy christians…

You really cannot fix stupid, they just keep doing the same thing over and over and the results never change…. Rich get richer and the middle class cries woes me…. Yep true definition of insanity…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the cruelty of christian parents who would not let the child leave to go to the bathroom, so at 13, she was humiliated in front of the whole congregation… Control is not faith… it is manipulation…. I never forgot that child… she was my friend…as her urine filled the pew….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Trump & Zuckerberg, QUIT LYING!!!

Yesterday, around noon our time, I noticed issues with Face Book and that you couldn’t scroll or see other people’s posts or for that matter, you couldn’t get posts to take and stay on the page…

We just saw on the news about the outage and they are saying it started around midnight east coast time????

BULL SHIT!!!!

One thing about living were I do and having the set up I do… you always catch bastards in power lying their ass off…

Now Trump is tweeting threats that are getting a Senator threats against her life and family!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!?????

This is not America, where a lie is acceptable… this is the land, where you can worship what ever human god you want, you can live by the code of what you think you are, not what you were born as!!!! This is the land, where you can be the poorest person and end up rich beyond your dreams… If you work for it…

Trump and Zuckerberg are christians and have zero clue what Morality, Ethics, Values, Codes and most of OATH’s mean!!!

I want the America that fought to put down a crazed Nazi murderer, who went after those who killed and destroyed life, because we Americans at one time respected life….

If the American people got a DNA test, over half would find they are of African heritage, even though they are white as the moon!!!!

I miss the day, when if you didn’t want to believe in a man-made god and you wanted to live in a world of integrity, ethics, values and morales… you moved to America…

Not anymore!!! My family has been on this soil since the 1500’s… this is not the land our fore fathers fought and died for… it is being over run by lying, theiving christians…. True Story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood why people had to lie…. what are they so afraid of??? oh my bad… their shadow…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Knowing How I Died is NOT Much Help!!! edited

Yada, Yada, Yada about christians form of truth…. You have to become Sherlock Holmes to figure out the smoke and mirror games christians love to play… it’s in their play book… the bible…

I can count the number of phone conversations I had with Peg over the years and the number of times I did the calling and when I quit calling…. people who set out to deceive, rarely look past the blinders they already wear and Freda and Peg did just that, now they got the youngest brat involved… talk about a quorum of witches’…. true story… I can see each one around the cauldron and exactly how they look… got a giggle out of that flash of imagination…

I fought against me for years, until we made that trip home in 96 to see the family…. by 99 I was rated full disabled by the VA temporary and was fighting for my SS… and some time during all that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, we’ll say around 98 and Mike will tell you… I never got told, same thing that happened at El Paso, happened in Spokane and the reason… “VA Appeal’s” and I had to under go extensive psych testing…  I read the diagnosis in my records the other day… They way Rubio wrote it, was like he was talking to me… Not about the PTSD, that I would have remembered!!!

So the trip in 96 did what it needed and started the journey to remembering… by the time we moved to Arkansas to be around while Don was dying from agent orange… I learned more… so from 2003 to 2008…. the family gave me lots of information, just through their actions… people really do not change, just like a leopard can not change its spots, neither can the corrupt of heart, mind and soul…. sold to the highest BS on the planet, god will forgive you???!!! Holy crap on a cracker!!!

Though I am not getting much restful sleep, I am seeing lots of my past… though on occasion I hit that brick wall, where the stroke happened… but more stuff comes forward all the time and the games played or manipulation, become more obvious…

I did right by leaving my family behind… I just should have never let my guard down, it was negative on my children… what the family did to them… I have to own that…

It is right to keep my distance… until they renounce this man-made god, I can never trust them… all I can do is feel sorry for their inability to use the mind they say god gave them instead, they are doing the bidding of this man made manipulator….I guess because IT will forgive them???

So knowing how I died is not much help… but some questions are being answered daily… the dreaming, not a bad thing… it will be a while before I start that first run of the book…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who learned trust is earned, not given….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Restless Leg Syndrome, while AWAKE!!!

I brought up this restless leg syndrome for decades…..

When the military, tried to treat me, they put me on all kinds of drugs that made the restless leg activity go into overdrive… Sleeping aids was the worse… Now, even NSAIDs will trigger the activity….

Restless leg is something I wrote once about… we were going to Tiny’s wedding in the mountains and I stood outside the car pounding my legs up and down, trying to get the restless leg discomfort to quit and granny told me to quit, it was just growing pains… and she and Tiny locked eyes… this was after the TV beating or the Boob incident….

Regardless, it was obvious even at that time, I had suffered some kind of brain injury…..

If the legs had not been a memory from so young… I would have had to say my first serious brain injury was the stroke and near death at 13… but nope…. we are going to have to go back to even earlier….

So first serious brain injury, was well before I turned 9 years old…. you have no idea how heavy my shoulders just became and the deep sigh that escaped my lips… how can anyone do this to a child???

Now that I understand the brain injuries… I get the restless leg issue and why, when the military and VA had me on so many medications, it became a living hell…

The only medication I take now is for my cholesterol and since I had a stroke, it is a drug, I will always have to take… and 600 mg of NSAIDs… when I take the NSAIDS, which lately has been for my mouth pain…. the restless leg will start within an hour… but it doesn’t do it in bed…. I take the med at least 6 hours before bed, because I noticed this pattern and took control….

Restless leg is the most annoying, aggravating condition out there… but at least I know mine is related to a brain injury at a young age… and I have learned how to not aggravate it… smoking a bowl will sometimes calm the nerves enough to relax what ever reaction my body is having at that moment in time, not always… but mostly….

We have had days of thunderstorms and heavy down pours… so loud, it wakes you from a deep sleep… so sleep is not something we are getting much of, because of all the weather… and hurricane season is just around the corner…. oh yea….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the legs that would not be still…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Margie left me so many clues…

I wrote about playing in an industrial park that had been torn down and how we walked on top of the cement pylons that were about 12 feet off the ground, probably taller… I was only about 11, when we played at this place in Alabama… the boob incident state…

After Texas and the lost time and not making memories…. the memory of the beating on Japan and the probable brain bleed, only because I remember the symptoms and my training tells me I am right about that moment in time…

I have scattered memories from the stroke in Texas to the blow upside the head on Okinawa… Margie left me clues and she left very good clues at that…

When the neurologist tried to insist that my memories could be false, I had to stop him dead… already been down that path and he knew nothing of the PTSD, Memory ability, High IQ, yada, yada…. it’s the real memories that are the most painful… the false ones, just kind of burn off into smoke, as they had no substance to begin with… why??? because Margie left me clues….

I am so itching to write the story, but thanks to the dreams again, I can’t…. we have already decided to do a road trip next year and hit the places I remember… the house in Texas is still standing… so are a couple other places… everything else is gone because of progress… 

I am using all the clues Margie left me to stitch together the parts of the story I find confusing… it’s a chore, but, once in a while I get a smile out of the memory….

Today the PT nurse said she had a hard time wrapping her head around the abuse I survived… so I did this with of course a big shit eating grin….

“You are welcomed to enter my brain, I am more than ready for a vacation, because if you think it easy to go into the dark place that religious fanatics live, I promise you, it is a fun house from hell… but you are welcomed to take a trip and see how far you get”….

I could write the story as a 3rd person… but I think hearing it from Margie with her words and perspective…  no clue how it will be received… but I got no takers for giving me a vacation…

Margie has let me know she is tired… at some point I will have to release her… she has been a prisoner of this story way to long…

We all deserve freedom and that 5-year-old spirit that was squashed because she told the truth… is starting to taste what freedom really is…

A vacation from this will come… once I tell the whole story… Margie can have a long sleep after that….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood the hate she received… and still does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Margie is getting sleepy….

Margie walked with the “Fight or Flight” mechanism turned on for 64 years… I turn 65 this year…

The Zip line I did… the lack of fear or apprehension or even exhilaration…. tells me Margie is getting ready to take a long rest… she achieved her goal…

She Remembered…..

Every day is new… the child that had been suppressed is free and no longer a prisoner of the christians god…

The feeling of emotions coming back to life, after being dead for so many decades….

The body responding to the tools provided and getting stronger, but, it will never be like it was before the stroke…

The dreams… are not nightmares… they are just dreams of my childhood… there were some good times, but they were a charade to keep the secrets of domestic violence…. there was love, but not among the adults and children… when I died, it changed everyone’s lives…

The life I was denied, because of a bastard child born to my mother… is no more… the secrets are no more… the abuse is no more…

I find myself focusing on how to tell the story and how social religion destroys lives and takes all and gives nothing in return….

The body is sore, the mind is happy and I find myself more willing to do what is needed for my quality of life…

I am ready to move on….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… to tell the truth, meant a beating or loss of her own children… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

17 months of Remembering and Growing…

Though I had to delete the first couple months of my blog, because of my twisted sister and her lies… sigh… the rest of the blog is here and it will be most interesting to go back and see the progress…

Some of the writing is raw, full of anger and pain… All of the writing is honest… and when I got it wrong I owned it….

At times my writing or at least to me it read like a petulant child ranting and throwing a temper tantrum….

It is frustrating when the people involved are living and refusing to talk, let alone tell the truth…. Holy crap on a cracker that is TRUMP!!! Wow, how funny our lives are more alike than we think…

I left the writing intact so I could see the emotional progress I have made since getting my memories back 17 months ago…. and how much I got wrong or panicked over… and that Zip line comes to mind… how far I have come…

It really was a shock to the brain, to find out I had died, had a stroke and brain bleed… all before the age of 15…. and the people who did it… my own parents and siblings… but to have it confirmed Dec 26, 2018 …. just WOW and I died in 1967…

Will life ever be the same for me, I think for me… keeping the birth family at a distance is the best course…

They were only a part of my life when necessary and that need has been gone for a long time… I doubt I could meet any of them face to face and not throw up… 

The anger, it is there, but just a reminder of what was done to me and the cowards that hide behind a man-made god, gee that is Trump…

If nothing else, waking up from this nightmare allows me, to be me and no more playing nice, just because…

If people want to be a part of my world, they have to respect it… if they can not do that, they will not be invited in… it’s just that simple and it does not matter if you are my son or daughter or grandchild… Disrespect Mike & I and you will be treated accordingly… and mostly you will be surprised at how we do it…

Life is settling down into a routine of tired mornings, but not cranky… Just happy I woke up and Mike and I are enjoying our coffee together one more day…

The adventures to come, sound like fun… the spoiling of great-grandchildren sounds like paradise… as long as we send the noise makers home with them…. true story…

Day of thunder and lightning, started at 1AM… so computer is getting powered down and shut off….

Hope everyone has a nice Thursday… we are just hoping to maintain power….

Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves to giggle…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Trumps god, do as you please, I forgive you???

Even as a child I questioned this god thing… I mean come on… No human has been born on this planet without sperm and egg… Facts are facts and no Alien life form has ever been found or proven on this planet… so socialized religion is nothing more than a con…

But I got this one question….

If you believe in Trumps god and Trump is a proven, liar, con, thief, cheat, rapist… now murder… that one, no one has got him on, but ya never know… but his base, who call themselves religious…. believe in the same god…

So if you believe in Trumps god… you can lie, steal, cheat, rape, murder and all you got to do is ask this god for forgiveness and the world is right again????

Just how delusional do you think people really are???

None of the above is permitted by law… but under religion… you can do all the above and all you got to do… 

Ask this human that was born several thousand years ago for forgiveness and those you raped, lied to, cheated, stole from and murder are just going to roll over and say… Well your god forgave you so should I???

Really??? How Delusional are you????

When does truth, mean facts and actual words of truth… not, say what you want, because your god will forgive you???

Holy Crap on A Cracker You Can Not Fix Stupid….. at least, not in my lifetime…. Fact…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knew the face of evil… it lived in her home for her first 18 years on this planet… Mom & Dad…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Re-writing History… Changing the thought process….

Everybody has a favorite saying, movie, TV show, song, mantra… you name it, we all have one… mine has been for a very long time… “Live for Today”… tomorrow is not promised no matter how much social religion tells you other wise… we get one chance, make the best of it or you will miss out on the best of it… it goes in a flash… Life….

Air Force shrink said I was average intelligence… don’t know how he got that answer, the tests they gave me was the most basic and identical to the one the El Paso VA gave me with different results… “Above Average Intelligence”….text book, doesn’t make it so… what I have done with my life and what I have over come… tells the world just how smart or not so smart I am…

Once I knew I had died and had a stroke and a brain bleed… once I proved these actions happened to a little girl at 13 years old… once that MRI proof was in my hands… doubt did start to melt away… though the other day I had a day with doubt…

I feel sorry for my younger sibling, the one that became a preacher… he thinks he’s bi-polar… when in fact he watched me die… he is 6 years younger than me… he was only 6 1/2 the night I died in front of him and his younger brother and his older sister….. so much damage, because of lies….

I am re-writing the past, as the memories come back… I have hope that all the memories will be there like the neurologist said… Hypnosis, will be an option… but I have heard nothing good about my old VA facility in Spokane… so, private health care as our distance from the VA will be over 60 miles… I have so little faith in mental health…

When I was looking at my VA records I came across a statement about my having been diagnosed with PTSD back in 1999…. and it was confirmed at El Paso VA in 2010…. but it wasn’t until 2017, Nov 7 when I woke up from my nightmare of lost time…. and I still have questions…. and I have no memory of being told I had PTSD back in 1999???

So much to do, before we put the house on the market and we are slowly getting there… sheds full of extra junk that is no help with staging a house… so we are getting down to the bare bones of living…

Excited to go look at properties… we have found so many, it will take us a while to be sure we choose the right one… selected a couple on the east side of Washington… now looking on the west side on the ocean… our last purchase… no more moving… yea…

I can not change what was done to me… but I can grow from what I have learned…. The past is still missing many pieces for me to close that chapter… that road trip to Texas may be more important than I thought…

It is all coming together as we get ready to go home….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to read about greek mythology….

Sgt. USAF DAV

When PTSD comes to Visit….

The “Autonomic meltdown”, that lasted right at 3 weeks, left me drained and depressed… the residual issue with this problem, is the spasm it causes when eating…. it is so painful, you would think you are having a heart attack… but it’s not the heart…

It’s the stomach and esophagus both in spasm as food tries to make it to the stomach… this time around it left me real tired, drained, mentally and physically… funny thing is, I get a warning it’s going to happen… this just lasted longer than usual…

So I am frustrated I am not taking this and owning it… it, this autonomic part of my injuries… has been with me since childhood, before the age of 10… so injuries from the TV interview are likely the starting point, no treatment, the body compensated…

Now I am trying to undo what was done to me… because I didn’t remember… and of course the living are not talking…

The depression, didn’t go long, nor deep… yesterday was frustration and culmination of the autonomic issue….

For every 10 steps backwards…. I take an additional 11 steps forwards…

Progress is being made… I am getting stronger and my balance is better and dizzy lizzy hasn’t been around for a while… and most of all I can tell when I don’t do what I need to maintain my strength and it just hurts more, I push an do more… I really hate exercising… but I am so much enjoying the results… I guess no pain no gain is a true analogy…

Though the depression stepped in the door yesterday, because I did stupid and read my VA medical records…. I remind myself… I got my proof and everything written in my VA records is pure bull shit and what was written in the past has no value, except as evidence of the incompetence and negligence of some federal employees… more Trumps in government than you know… and those bigots are spreading… like a plague…

I slipped and munched last night and made my mouth hurt more, had a miserable night, because my insides are already in revolt and wake up this morning, telling myself what a dumb ass I am being!!!

So that one step forward, get back on track with my diet… get more active and quit sitting on my ass, so to speak… Life has a habit of kicking me in the backside at the most in opportune moments and I got a feeling, that is exactly what is getting ready to happen…

Oh joy….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. who watched adults, “do as I say”, behavior, while they beat their own children to death… while telling them “do not as I do”…

Sgt. USAF DAV 

Ignoring the VA…. moving on…

Okay, enough of this bull shit doubt crap!!!….

You have known your whole adult life you were missing time and you knew something was off with your relationship, when it came to your birth family… in fact, having contact with any of them set off alarms and I didn’t understand why!!!

I have got to quit doubting myself, it defeats all the progress I have made this far… I have had the ones with the licenses, tell me to my face I know what I am talking about!!!!

So why won’t I listen to myself???….

That one last little glimmer of hope that this was all a bad dream and all I had to do was pinch myself and the world would be hunky dory…. 

Well a few bruises later from pinching!!!… I give!!!… I have to catapult to the reality…..

I lived it and my body of proof….

Is my body!!!…. Real sobering thought….

Told hubby how it all made sense… the way my sister kept trying to throw me off track… How my brother reacted when he saw me for the first time since 1967, when he came to see me in 2002…. and why Freda asked the questions she asked or made the comments she made….

The evidence is overwhelmingly against them…. now I get why my hair dresser in Arkansas said no one would believe I was related to the family…. what a sobering realization what the corruption of socialized religion can do to a humans brain… no drugs needed… just a blanket excuse to do as you want, because this man born on earth is a god and died many thousand of years ago and he will protect and forgive you???

Okay melancholy over with… these people are flat-out bat shit crazy!!!….

True story… one I can prove and not one story in the bible can be proven…. think about that for minute….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to live life… but christians had other ideas….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Thank YOU Veterans Administration for the Depression!!!

A long time ago I learned not to look at my Veterans Medical records because I knew that there was lots of ugly comments by doctors, nurses, technicians… you name it… if you want ugly,  get a federal employee in the Veterans Administration, they can do it and will do it and did do it… and in front of witness’s and they are still employed by the VA!!!

I just spent the last half hour looking for the information about the brain things they did for me through the VA and I found more nasty, ugly and disrespectful comments by employees of the VA system…. I seriously want to go lean over my toilet and throw up for the next half hour… that is how ugly federal employees have become!!!

Just reviewing the records I did read… I have the federal government in their own words committed negligence and mal practice…. and my day will be impacted with that negligence and mal practice…. and most of all my brain will take a short nose dive into hell because of federal employees!!!

And people wonder why veterans are homeless and take their lives….

Now Trump and his psychopathic religious base want to turn our nation into this same kind of bigotry….

I am grandfathered in, they can not touch me…. but I sure the hell will be watching the show from the sidelines…

Our next home purchase, keeps me out of the VA system and in private health care… at least this way I have a fighting chance to see my great grand kids grow up….

Stick with the VA and I may as well go pay for my funeral now!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and how she tried to forget!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA Medical Records Incomplete!!!

One thing about this memory ability, once I remember something I try to back it up with facts….

That Abby OCR program I bought has the ability to scan all the documents for specific words or phrases… 

I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find the CT scan they did at the Oregon VA and got nothing… so what am I putting wrong in the OCR for searching???

Mike remembers the road trip, we had that fancy car that got stolen from us In Okanogan, WA…. I remember the doctor telling me they found nothing on the CT scan and I do a 180 degree turn around…. 

Doesn’t strokes and brain bleeds show up on CT??? According to the science I read they do, but…. that one little ugly word… was that the ability in 2000??? of CT I mean….

Again I have more questions than answers… do I think the stroke could have happened since 2000… that answer is easy…. NO!!!

I have known for decades I was missing memory or time, now I could be way wrong on this… I had surgery in 2011 at El Paso VA and came out of recovery with purple fingers??? and was not told anything after surgery that there had been complications??? and I remember the nurses, two males, arguing before the put me under and I wondered if I was going to wake up when they were done with me??? The VA wouldn’t cover up a brain bleed and stroke on the operating table  now would they???

So getting my hands on that CT from the Oregon VA that was done with contrast, might be a very important piece of paper…. if it was capable and they scanned the brain in the right area…. we may have our evidence that the stroke happened after 2000 and under the VA’s care… and frankly I seriously doubt it… 

I think the scan was not in the same area of the brain that the stroke and bleed was found by the MRI in Dec of 2018….

More detective work to do…

Don’t forget… I stood in my mother’s kitchen that I help to pay for and told her in 2010 I was missing memory…. I didn’t have leg surgery until Nov 2011… so you see, I doubt that the CT was done in the area that the MRI found damage… but I need to rule out all possibilities, so that the story is told accurately…. can’t have any doubt floating around out there… the culprits that committed these crimes need to be held accountable….

So my wishful thinking that I was ready to do the first run of the book, just went down the drain… this issue needs to be clarified…. oh yea… so authorization will be sent to Oregon VA to see if they have a copy of that CT scan done of my brain in 1999 or 2000….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember Margie… with the bubbly sense of humor….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Face Book Censorship…. You Just Can Not Fix the Stupid of the Rich….edited FINAL…

I posted a couple of hours ago the family freak show and I checked face book and the blog is not showing up in anyone’s feed, except the Ann Spite feed and it does not show it shared on face book, which tells me, that yep I can see it on face book, but no one else can…

I mean for real, when does the morons who cheat other morons, become rich and all of a sudden they get a taste of power and greed and censorship….

So my experiment did work… 

Face Book is censoring my little old blog… Gee… I got the giggles on that… 

My little bit of writing has them that scared???? or is it just bigotry at its best because I am an Atheist???

Ya never know… but until the icon on my WP blog shows FB shared… it is being blocked by FB and no one on face book can see it and Mark Zuckerberg just became another Nazi…. or Russian or N. Korean or Iran, I mean come on… they silence Americans… who is next???

Still think your little world is what it seems… keep going back to that Men In Black statement about humans being dumb and blindly going about life… that my friends you can thank socialized religion for that brain washing… sounds a lot like the movie….

Wall-E…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who could spot bigots like Zuckerberg and Trump miles away… they are so much like used car sales men…. ewwwww….

Sgt. USAF DAV  bring it Zuckerberg!!!

two hours after I wrote the freak show, it posted to face book’, an we have reliable internet, so you got me on what is happening, but things are not working in real time… something has it on delay….or someone…

yet it still is not showing in anyones feed… FB is or someone is blocking my blog from showing in my FB feed… two posts from the blog an nada on fb.????

hubby says it finally showed in his feed, but not mine… same kind of weird stuff I saw during the election… don’t these people have lives???

6:02 pm our time and still my blog is not showing up in two different places… I know they didn’t like something I wrote a while back, because I was attacked for it… Maybe whoever is playing with my posts… maybe they will learn something.. doubtful… but hope springs eternal…. night all I have had my fill today with the internet…

When you are the Family Freak Show….edited

They all knew and none of them said anything… Was granny getting money monthly from dad??? Loyalty to an older brother by the siblings??? Cousins who know more than I do about my own family???

Yep we were the family freak show and because they are so bored… We still are…. You really can not fix stupid and I give up trying… UNCLE!!!

When a cousin asked me last year about my sister and her growth, I knew my memory of our family being the topic of conversation among the rest of the family was correct…. play like you are sleeping and adults will run their mouths…. and they did, those memories are slowly coming back….

I made the statement after the beating over sisters boobs…. that my legs hurt as we were getting in the car after Tiny’s wedding ceremony and granny said it was growing pains… but she knew the truth and lied… so many of them did… so many took thousands from me… I don’t play these kind of games…. The door was closed last year…

Next week a full 3 months since I quit Levothyroxine… best decision I ever made… though the weight will be tricky now and harder to get off, but exercise I am, more for mobility and strength than skinny body…

I find myself not thinking about the past as much and that I am putting it aside to an extent, until we are moved and I have that quiet place I can go, so when I meditate, I get the information down while it’s fresh and clear… this is not as easy as I make it sound… When a memory comes forward I have to tear it apart and make sure it is a real memory and accurate or I disregard it in the hopes that maybe someday something will connect it to a memory that makes sense…

I can not do the “Imagined wronged Scenario”…. I have to know I am right and accurate…. the dreaming is happening again, but can not tell you what… I do know my siblings are involved, so maybe progress… maybe just stress, because of the move and every day we are doing something in preparation of putting the house on the market… busy, busy, busy and then it will be pure boredom until we load the container…. feast or famine is the way life is and should be… keeps it exciting…

Anger, it is there… deep inside, it is there… though it has evolved, it doesn’t need to rear its ugly head anymore to get attention to what happened and what was lied about and what was covered up… those subjects no longer have value… If I wanted the story in your face, I know how to get it out there… and I am not sure what direction I will go as of now…

I find it odd, the chaos… I want to go someplace in my brain… I do not have to fight the maze of chaos anymore… I just focus and poof the thought is there with the information I need… a calmness in the brain I haven’t felt since before Texas and my near death…. over 50 years of chaos gone…at least for now….

I keep going back to this… Freda & Peggy & Larry are alive and none of them are talking… christians… they hide behind fear because to face the truth of their part in this journey, means they have to face what they did… and I have seen first hand how life treats people like this… that is what they should really be scared of and not me…

Life gets even… I just sit back and watch… it was cruel to Don at the end of his life, I got to see that first hand and they are the ones that caused that cruelty… The stories will get to me, they always do, they will give me no pleasure, because their is nothing after life and they wasted so much of it hiding from it…life that is….

True story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who opened her eyes in the face of death and saw a dark empty void…. no god, no angels, no flowers… just darkness…. True Story….

Sgt. USAF DAV

So, I know how I died… now what???

Nov 5, 2017 will be a day I will  never forget, nor will the families of those murdered on that day in Sutherland Springs, Texas… I owe them my life, because they lost theirs…

I  had faint hints over the years that something was off in my family… for the longest time I thought it was because my biological dad was anybody but who is on my birth certificate… DNA test says I am his… 

I had uneasy feelings, when around my mother and father and my siblings seemed as if they were playing a part and no longer the kids I grew up with… brain washing, done in so many homes….

Comments made over the decades, attempts to be a part of their lives and always being shut out by 2 women in the family…

Over time the realization I was dealing with mentally ill people made the situation more difficult to over come and I had to let them set themselves up, only because liars do not remember the lies…. but I did… and when I brought those lies up, they had no clue what I was talking about… I really got to give it to that shrink in El Paso, he made me believe in this Edetic memory stuff… and I grin and more of those lies flood my memory….

Knowing that it was delusional people I had to deal with, just made my task a lot more like a Nancy Drew mystery novel… maybe that is the way to approach the writing, but if I did that, I would have to leave the real ugly stuff out… PG rating my book will not have…

I set the traps and let them, trip them… I let their own actions and words speak for themselves… all the time staying true to me, my morales, values and ethics…

So much has passed since Nov 7, 2017 when I told Mike the story of Big Springs, Texas…

So many lives that have been touched by mine, leaving their burn marks upon my skin as they took without giving…

We have a new great grand baby due any day and we just heard she is pregnant… So much imagined wrongs, because truth was spoken and not wrapped in bubble wrap… a child that will come into this world and likely never know who I am and that is the mothers right… I feel no pain, just sadness the child will miss out on so much, because of imagined wrongs… real big sigh on that one…

I am tired… I have no desire to go out of my way anymore… I did that for the first 63 years of my life… It is truly time to think of me and the very few that have been there… I got a kick out of our guest, of course my brains were needed… the mess is a hole that could cost them everything… I had to be brutal and honest… and these words are true…

Everyone uses me… but…. It is up to me to let them use me….. that 20 acres that is so isolated… sounds very appealing to me… but so does the house on the river with the pool…

It is up to me, how much I let anybody into my world… they may not know I keep score…

But, I do…. and right now… that score is in no ones favor except hubby…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who has a fascination with craftsman style homes… the same kind she died in…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic meltdown 3 weeks and finally over???

The symptoms started about 8 days before our company came…

Got a headache on the left frontal parietal lobe area… basically the opposite side of the brain where the stroke and brain bleed is… I should say old stroke and brain bleed…

As the headache started that is when I notice how the arteries in my neck hurt, got a feeling I need to see a vascular doctor when we get moved…  my primary vessel to my heart has been partially occluded since my military days, over 40 years…

So I have headache, I get neck pain in the veins and I start feeling upset stomach and gurgling insides….. and the worse symptom, the heat flush that my head does… not like a hot flash either, this is different…

When we took our guest back to the airport, I was about 15 days into this autonomic episode and she got to witness the impact it had on my lungs… breathing was not easy when half your lungs are paralyzed… it’s happened before while I was swallowing and the food was lodged, so no air, thankfully the spasm passed that day quickly… but not this time… this time, the swallowing episode happened during sleep and I woke up, because I had no air, the congestion I live with was sitting in the tube and no air could get through and I couldn’t swallow, freaked me a little… so out of bed in a flash with a push against the counter to trigger reflux and it dislodged… again, I got lucky…

So I have waited to see if the throne and I get friendly and when that happened… the last of the esophagus spasms stopped and headache gone, tummy upset gone… just a huge amount of fatigue…

This ride lasted right at 3 weeks… the longest this has ever gone on… 

Trying to figure out the triggers, so you avoid the activity or emotional stimuli is damn near impossible… once in a while you get that aha moment that tells you this is what triggered the Autonomic episode… this time not so easy….

It has been 3 months since I quit taking Levothyroxine… other than a little tired, which is related to my stroke and not thyroid… I haven’t gone off on anyone and I haven’t yelled at a banger in a month now… doesn’t mean I like them… I just bitch inside my 4 walls… 

The PT has made a big difference in my mobility and ability to stay mobile… the exercises all hurt and I dislike them all… but… I like being able to do some of what I used to do with confidence… they tell me, I will always have weakness and permanent nerve damage from the stroke and brain bleed and those things are not reversible… and we all find it remarkable I made it through basic training 2 months after giving birth and exactly 10 years after the stroke… maybe I do need that superwoman tatoo…. as long as no needles involved….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never gave up her soul to mans god…

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI… Avoiding the Head Fake….

Head Fake is a term Dr. Oz used on one of his shows… and he uses it selectively and yep he’s a christian… so not as open-minded as the human that does not dummy down their brain with religion… because when you dummy down with religion or belief in gods… you just did the “Head Fake”, on yourself… kind of hard to climb out of fantasy when you buy into the head fake of religion or psychology for that matter…. you do know that the father of psychology… dear ole Dr. Freud… he was a cocaine addict… so the man who we base our science of psychology on, was a drug addict… that’s like saying Jesus is a god… both men born on this planet… both men had a mommy and daddy… so people buy into the head fake these two men put out there… I call it a “Con”… some call it the “Silver Tongue effect”…. some like me just call it like it is….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to be fixed…. and like the Men in Black character that said humans were happy, because they chose fantasy over reality and it just made the scary reality a little easier to handle… not those exact words, but that was the meaning of the statement….

For me… the head fake is what most con’s pull on other people… I grew up in a household of head fakes… they are still living it… I got lucky in one respect… they murdered me and when I woke up… the head fake was seen for what it was…

A con so they could commit atrocities against themselves and their children…. and it still is happening today across America… by white, black, brown & yellow skin and all beliefs… and Trump is the ring leader…. gee that does sound like Hitler and Nazism….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who saw what came of death… “Darkness & Silence”….

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I figured out how I died… pg 2

From an out-of-body perspective is the way I am going to try to tell this… so how did I know when Freda’s mother died something was wrong???

Chaos… not just a little, but lots and so much so, when I awoke from the waking coma and okay what does that mean… “waking coma???”….

It means that from the moment I died, I quit making memories… I remember before the beating and subsequent death and the violence and screaming of the little kids… but… when I died… I quit making memories and for about 9 months it is one big black hole and with memory ability like mine, it is worse than losing a limb… because you know you lost the limb… I didn’t know I had lost time….

When the first memory was of Freda crying over the death of her mother, that took me out of my cocoon of safety and brought me into the present and made me acutely aware, things were not right and I instantly went into the comic book world of tingling senses and watching what I said and what happened when I said it… and most of all I watched and I listened and I learn to play the part they expected… all the while making notes along the way, in the hope that someday all the memories I had filed for safe keeping would finally make sense….

Once I caught Freda and Peggy in lies… it was just a matter of time getting the physical proof that my body had hidden away, and my not remembering….

When the MRI on Dec 26, 2018 came back with an old stroke and brain bleed…. I made sure I put it on twitter and face book and this blog and beg for the proof my sister said she suffered…. knowing full well that mentally she had taken my injuries and transferred all onto herself, so that everyone would think she was the one that suffered… as for my other siblings… brain washing goes on every day and gods and Trump are no different… I hope they get help…

I was tested… extensively…. final… PTSD due to my illness… my illness a broken body by domestic violence… the shrink at El Paso VA got it 100% right… his final comment… “Above average intelligence”… the final nail in Fredas lies about my mental ability…

It is frustrating to know that Freda and Peggy are living and refusing to talk and when they did talk, it was one lie after another… that shrink at El Paso said I had Eidetic memory ability… some days I agree with him other days I want to beat my head on the wall, because I can’t remember something… If I have it, it works in weird ways…

Mike was just in the room, making all kinds of noise, putting in a ceiling fan… yet I managed to type most of this with that noise… that speaks volumes for what really distracts or annoys me… “Other people”!!! lol

When I stood watching Freda cry in Don’s arms, the only time I ever saw any true genuine love and gentleness in that family… I knew and just didn’t know what I knew… Not yet 14… but knew enough about the military, that for them to ship us off to Japan after only being at Webb less than a year… something bad happened… but I could not figure out what…

I would look at myself in the mirror and see bruises all over my body, those bruises lasted months…how did I get them, when did I get them and who gave them to me…

Over the next 5 decades Freda would drop hints and clues to see If I remembered my childhood and she made sure to correct my siblings when their story did not agree with hers… brainwashing so easy for simple minds… I watched and declined to join conversation… by the time I was 18… leaving home was my only goal…. 

1972 set me on a journey to discover what happened to those 9 months I lost and why I had no memory of my childhood, or my older brother or my younger siblings….

I never talked about it, until I married Mike 25 years ago… that was when I wanted to know… what happened to Margie… who murdered her and why???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who had huge gray eyes that turned green…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

My Limp is Gone….

I remember in high school on the balance beam and the issue with maintaining balance, when balance had never been an issue before….

The way I get how strokes work and how if you do not get proper care, body parts start to withdraw and malfunction and they do it over time… which is exactly what mine did… but you add in all the blunt force trauma fractures to the other body parts… I was screwed from the get go and still made it through basic training… 

In the military, they shot my knee full of cortisone, because no one could explain why I was limping and of course we had backward science in that day… even today the ortho got it wrong when he saw me here, last year… but knowing about the physical damage, makes every little ache tangible… lots of aha moments on… “OH! now I know why that has hurt for so long”!!! UGH!!!!!

As my left leg turns in and the band the PT tech is working on becomes stronger, it lets me know what body parts I compensated for, because the body is starting to work correctly after 50 years of compensating for the stroke…

None and I mean none of this is pain-free… I get shooting lines of nerve pain and I can tell it’s nerves reconnecting with muscle, because muscle is very slowly starting to respond to instant action, instead of me having to focus on the action…

Not all of my ability is coming back… there is much I can’t do and some that is progressively slipping away… very fine motor skills take focus, every day tasks, remind me of my progress….

What is very obvious… as long as I do the work outs and keep at it… the pain is a little less intrusive… still there, but not in my face, curl up in a ball type scenario…. it also makes me acutely aware of my weight and the need to keep it below a certain threshold, because of the Autonomic portion of neuropathy I live with from domestic violence….

My balance, that is still a work in progress… sometimes my neck is just going to make my world spin, no matter what I do… that does seem to happen less often….

So everything I have read about neuropathy and blunt force trauma…. I am doing all the right things to improve my quality of life… it is after all up to me… if I don’t do the work… my birth family wins and I die young… I kind of hope I am the last one standing… to me, that would be sweet justice… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her love of playing outdoors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I Figured out my Own Murder….

I awoke to a scene… “Freda is crying, her mother has just died and at first she didn’t want to go to the funeral, but with all that had gone on in the last 9 months, she wanted an escape away from the reminder… they killed the 13-year-old child that stood before her covered in bruises and that day in June 1968, is when Margie woke up from her waking coma… she had died that hot night in Big Springs, Texas… not long after the birth of her half-sister in August of 67, conceived while daddy was in Vietnam”….

Freda crying is what woke me from my coma… I lost 9 months after that near death experience when Don and Freda where fighting and I got in the middle and my little 13-year-old body no match for 6 foot 4 inch 250 pound man and a grown woman…. the blows rained upon her body… her half older brother fighting to get them off her… She smiled as death took her… and thought… no more abuse, now I get to see god….

The darkness lasted for 9 months, with no memory of the attack and heart stopping death… only bruises and sore ribs and pain in my head…. daddy locked up in an Air Force psych ward… orders cut and we are shipped off to Japan to hide the scandal that rocked a little Texas town called Big Springs….

It would be Nov 7, 2017… 2 days after an Airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and I told my love I had a story to tell and started talking about Big Springs, Texas….

This is how I solved my own murder….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who experienced death… no flowers, no family, no god… just total darkness….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Just when I thought we were done….Here I go Again!!!

Just when I thought I was done, that just maybe I could take all my research and memories and put the book in a first run…. I start dreaming…!!! #$%*

Not much sleep last night… lots of pain and some of my own doing, we got the new range and nearly killed ourselves getting it out of the back of the truck… thankfully we have good equipment and use every device available to help us cripples, but still, it took strength I didn’t know I had, and it was barely useful… so hate my body sometimes and its weakness….

Crawled into bed and was out instantly and the dreaming started… up at 10:30pm, 12:30am and again at 4:30am… each time with the memory of dreaming about my childhood… nothing discernible as far as the actions of the others in my dream… but siblings were in it… no clue if it was a bad or good memory….

Got a feeling that the stress of getting the last projects done on the house, our fight to get into a property that is in foreclosure, which is never fun… dealing with mouth pain and facial pain and no follow-up appointments by the VA with dental… request sent in May 2018… sigh… add to that the physical side of what I am trying to accomplish…. stay mobile… my body and brain are both tired and ready for a vacation….

Thunderstorm we had the other night finished off the stoves mother board… who knew you could put a 220 surge protector on an outlet… all our 110 stuff is protected, but we never could find a 220 surge in the store… time to order a couple… before hurricane season… other stove goes home with us, $2,000 double oven… we’ll get it fixed when we get home… always pack your trash off the island…or that is what they will be living on top of in 50 years… at least the properties we are trying to get into have shops, so I have a place to fix electronics…

Maybe the neurologist was right about the memories still being there… he read the MRI & MRA report and knew the type of damage I have to my brain… he has more knowledge than me… and after last night… he just might be right… the memories may be there… it’s just letting them into my waking mind… while I lose sleep… ya just can’t win with this scenario… big time sigh…..

The day is calling, I have stuff to pack and help Mike hang the fancy new living room ceiling fans… that storm the other night, hit the motor of the fan, and another thing to fix when we get home… 

Have a beautiful day…. Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her fascination with Hawaii because of Elvis movies…

Sgt. USAF DAV

They said they loved me… I am not impressed….

Did you know it is easy to love… why??? it’s an emotion… it has no real rhyme or reason… why??? it’s a emotion….

Now did you know that believing in a god is the same thing??? an emotion??? yep, read some psychology on the subject…

I have known for many years now, that when not over whelmed with man-made hormones… I didn’t get all that emotional, in fact, usually my reaction was the opposite…

I wrote that I laughed at my parents for the abuse they dished out to me as a little girl, the blunt force trauma fractures, the brain injuries, the internal injuries… my coping mechanism… humor….

When Don came in the bowling alley on Okinawa with the suitcases to send me back to where, I was still under 18 and in school… I laughed and it wasn’t the first time I laughed at the abuse they gave to my little body as a child…

So when someone says the words to me, “I love you”… I think to myself… Ain’t that sweet and if you know anything about southern humor, you will know that is not a compliment….

It is easier to love anyone or anything on this planet…

The hardest thing to do is…

Like someone…. because if you like them, you invariably respect them….

I can count on 1 hand the number of people I like… speaks volumes doesn’t it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knew love was not real, but liking someone was…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Cloak of Many Clues….

There is a song by Dolly, about the coat of many colors… and there is the story of the Jews leaders and its colorful cloak…. my cloak was orange and I hated it with a passion…. I was only 14, severe brain bleed after being beaten by daddy, because I pissed off mommy and sister… oh that cloak of orange and white… was my cloak of many colors and it left me so many clues….

When sister wanted that cloak I hated so much, another clue… When big brother tried to covert me to believe in his god… another clue… when sister said “live, love and laugh”… another clue… when mommy said, “your daddy was locked up in a psych ward one time and it scared him”… that was another clue… when daddy said he got the bronze star in Vietnam and I knew he did not do a full tour, because of the half-sister growing in mom’s tummy… another clue…

We drove over to Kona today to buy a new stove and a couple of ceiling fans… and it struck me how long my bread crumb trail was and it wasn’t mine… It was mom’s, dad’s, brother & sister… they all gave me clues about what happened to me and how they played god for the last 50 years…

Now I have cut them out of my life, because I don’t believe in gods and I know a con job when I see one… so thank you, but no thank you mommy, daddy, sister and brother… and most of all no thank you Mr. Trump…

Christian truth is an affront to all of humanity and all religions are an affront to life itself… your form of truth has no value and no worth… it is devoid of life and most of all it is devoid of hope… that isn’t religion… that is a cult, now that did sound like the Salem Witch Trials, you really can not fix stupid…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood anyone who believed in gods who allowed rape, murder, theft, lying, stealing and cheating… that is man’s gig, the oldest con on the planet…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Give Up… UNCLE!!!

Superstitions are just that… but if I was… I would really get a little freaked about now… but I know the reality of power surges and it hit our 220 on the stove and it will cost more to repair the stove than it would to buy a new one… 

As the repairman leaves the house I look up and see a ceiling fan quit spinning and get up and pull the switch and yep, the motor on it is going out….

Enough already… 

So road trip is in our future to go buy what we need, so the house can go up for sale…

So far I have 2 computers, a printer, now a computer on a fancy stove to fix, when we get home … yea, I could leave all that here… but this is an island and the computers get used for Seti and other things and the stove, the repair was cheap, just the parts that are spendy… 

But, every house we have put up for sale in the last 9 years… something always breaks before we hit the market… and the buyer always gets something new… at my expense…

Are we done yet??? and the rooster lets me know, tomorrow morning is just hours away… UNCLE!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her curiosity…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Learning to walk again….

I wrote about playing in an old building that was long gone and all that was there was the support walls that stuck out of the ground about 12 feet, so typical dangerous stupid place for kids to play… this was before I was 12…

By the time the Texas beating, near death, and stroke… I walked normal… feet both aligned and straight forward… after Texas, that all changed and I had a faint understanding of what was wrong, but I was a kid, my brain was in healing mode, so it was survival first and figure it all out at a later date… I just didn’t know that later date would be November 7, 2017… 50 years later….

The PT is working that left leg and the band that controls my ability to walk right and stay on my feet and not on my lips….

Essentially the same thing I have been doing for my arms and hands… yesterday, lots of nerve pain as things try to connect and communicate with each other… 

I knew some of this process would be painful and new pain is never fun, it takes the brain a little while to adjust to new pain and process it so that it is not intrusive… well, that’s a struggle right now, because I got legs and arms both, trying to heal 50 years later…. the body is an amazing muscle… to bad some of us forget to use the brain….

Every day is a challenge, to correct 50 years of habits that compensated for the left side of the body and the stroke at 13 years old…

It will never cease to amaze me, I went and had 2 boys, went to basic 2 months after my son was born and served for 5 1/2 years… all with a broken body… I earned every stripe and every dime I get from my military service… they took that broken body and broke it even more… just to cover up rape and attempted murder… while I was active duty… they got away with it when I was a dependent daughter…

Men in power protecting men in power… sounds like god, Jesus and Trump…. an people still think Mary being raped was okay, because they made the child into a god… just wow how acceptable rape has been for thousands of years…. hands off assholes… your beliefs in gods does not make it okay to touch me or anyone else…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her daredevil behavior… it’s still there…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Internet signal reroute…

I know a lot of peeps do not keep up with this stuff… so sue me… 

When the election went down in 2015/16 we knew that a signal reroute had been done by a foreign country and they would split the signal, you would still be connected, but if you posted or did anything on-line, it was rerouted to that foreign country and to their server so they could hack what ever accounts you had just been using online…

That is when I went with encrypted windows and extra security on the Apple crap… which has worked, for blocking the hackers… but…

It has not stopped the signal reroute and splitting… that is way out of my realm of knowledge, I can just see it happening….

Getting the satellite internet did not change anything in our household… so when something does not work right on the Ipad, I get on the computer and check it right away and see if it’s just a lag between the applications… it’s not… it’s as if what I posted got lost and in an hour or day it will show up…

Now either Face Book is censoring me, because I am an atheist or its outside interference for grins and giggles… flip a coin… I have no clue who is doing it… but something is happening…

So I will spend my day, switching out old passwords for new ones and make sure I have all my ducks in a row to keep from being hacked… about all any of us can do… now you get why they did the VPN stuff, because of that signal reroute… remember, I was using a hotspot… we just got net and WiFi… so vulnerable we are, to a point… hope that training I got by the Air Force was enough…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who became dyslexic after the boob beating…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Do NOT Touch!!! Biden, hands OFF!!! edited…

Christians or any religious person, thinks, hugs, and kiss’ are just the oh so nice bullshit!!!

Biden touching another person may have been innocent per the religious dogma of christians!!!

YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TOUCH ANOTHER PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once a few years ago, someone said to me…”I know you don’t like hugs, but I am giving you one anyway”… they were and still are a christian!!!??? obviously they have no clue about personal space…

Religion is destroying our world, because the person who hugged me, did not stop and think how that hug impacted me… Nope, it was about them being in control and ownership over me!!!!!

At PT the other day a few weeks ago, the PT person reached out and gave me hug, now I know they read the blog, was this an experiment on their part or was it ignorance at its best???

Our guest, when she was here, asked if it was okay to get a hug… that family is the one that introduced me to hugs, and it became a part of my life for a few years, until touch became a real issue for me, before I got my memories back… But… She asked permission…

We humans have innate needs and desires… We also have boundaries… People will either respect my space when we get back home, or those people will not be allowed in my space when we get home…

I may not wear a neon flashing sign that says, “DO NOT TOUCH”… BUT, you dumb ass humans should know better… christians and other religious delusional humans… not so much… You really can not fix stupid… You really can’t!!!

FYI FB IS CENSORING MY BLOG AND FACE BOOK PAGE…. Ann Spite…. Zuckerberg playing god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… when ever touched, she wanted to throw up!!! Hands off assholes!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memory of laughing at them, what does that mean???

I have more memories of laughing at them after they hurt me, than I do of being pissed off at them…. why??? Because it pissed them off more… lots of little devil emojis please…

We went out and did our mile walk and I stopped dead in my tracks and said… “I laughed at them, almost every time they hurt me, why???, because it pissed them off more and I knew it”…..

Nothing like watching an adult become enraged, when they can not make a child perform the way they want… and oh my… I was such a child and in adult life, many people have found my foot up their ass… true story….

Is it arrogance??? Is it bravado??? Is it any reason YOU can think of???

None of the above…

It is called a Traumatic Brain Injury and not just one, but over a dozen, 2 of them severe…. I am a lucky survivor of multiple TBI’s at the hands of my parents….

I have a “condition”…. it’s called TBI…. yet I am the one who has to adjust to your way of thinking???

Oh my, what an interesting world we live in… the reason for this write, trying to figure out how to approach the book and start writing it… putting all my research together… but how… do I do like I tried in the post yesterday or do I try this approach….

“As the little girl struggled to walk on those new legs, she felt coldness and turned to see her reflection in a TV screen, behind her she saw an old fashion hairbrush swung up against her backside, though in pain from the blow, she giggled… not because of the woman screaming about the hair brush, but from the sheer joy of seeing her reflection in the TV screen…. The memory of the blow never left the child and she would come to be a person who never looked too close in the mirror and rarely let the camera sneak a memory… the enraged woman would continue her abuse, but the child, would take it in stride and laugh at her, every time she hit the child”….

I have a very warped sense of humor, which my own sons carry with them in their warped way… No matter how many times Don hit me, I could never stay mad… and why is that???

I have a “Condition” called Traumatic brain injury and I am so grateful, I will never think the way anyone else does…. because I get to own my demons, not the other way around…. Don went to his grave a violent man, so too, will Freda… to live life, you have to own your behavior… I own mine… because….

I love my “Condition”…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves to laugh about her condition….

Sgt. USAF DAV

If god is real, why do you need money???

In the news, the pope is doing something in writing to make it harder for a priest to rape a child??? okay, you can not fix stupid, stupid has to really want to be fixed… and smoke and mirrors does not stop rape, theft, murder, lying or cheating…

I love science and I have been watching Hawking, and the Universe series… and love the simple explanation of how we came to be and guess what… no threats of doom and gloom if I don’t believe… the religious can not say that…

In fact the religious need tax exemptions because of their fake god… they need land that is exempt and schools to brainwash more followers….

The earth needs none of the above, including us… Psychology says we have to enable the religious because it could be bad for their mental health to find out, santa Claus is not real, the easter bunny is not real, the great pumpkin is not real, Thor is not real, superman is not real, Batman is not real and this fantasy god they rape, lie, steal, cheat and murder for… guess what…. not real… but a good excuse to get away with crimes, as Trump is finding out…

If god was real… we would have no famine, war, illness, crime, death or pain of any kind… instead we have a world full of delusional humans, who think they are on this planet for a reason and can’t accept the fact….

Just like every living breathing creature that lives today… we are just a fluke of nature and if you don’t enjoy the ride while you are on it… you are going to be one miserable human who thinks a god is better than themselves… and you really think you are smarter than a monkey???

Not if you buy into gods…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the face of god was man and woman who wanted you to think the way they do… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD… what stage of the journey???

I turn my head an it swims and the world feels as if I just drank a half a dozen shots of something…. I correct my posture, tilt the pelvis, straighten the spine, pull the neck back in and know the skull feels heavy for a reason….my insides, still on the make, letting me know we are not done with this session from hell, called autonomic neuropathy…. bangers up and down Makauu street, entering my home, violating me once again and over and over… their rights to blast noise has priority over my rights as an owner of said road…. so tired and so very stoned… so the best of both worlds, kind of, maybe???

Allowing more into my world and not letting it control me, but taking into account the shock and aww others thrive on and let it slip into the shadows, just like religion…. my life touched by war in the home and foreign land…. shock and aww has no sway…

My longing for something, anything, to take my mind to another place… the vacation was a nice break, forced to stay in the moment with another life…

The nights are long and painful… more pain of the body than the mind… wandering, wishing, hoping for another trigger, so I can be released from this nightmare and move on….

I struggle, where to start the story,

“A child, exploring her world, felt something wickedly cold and firm to the touch… a giggle escaped her lips as her wobbly legs moved so as to see her reflection for the first time…. out of the back in the reflection and enraged face and a blow to the toddler, the old fashion hair brush broke in half, the child cried in pain… the woman, upset she broke the hairbrush… the child would rarely look at her reflection in any object and not remember her introduction into christian violence….”

is this the right direction???

I don’t know… so much remembered, so much pain relived, so much past reclaimed from those who stole it…. it… Hawking said that without our past, we have no identity…

He was so very right…. christians and their god stole mine…. 

I took it back….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who’s soul was never for sale to mans god…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Physical Therapy… who knew…

Resisted anyone ever touching me, it just flat-out hurts… it hurts to even hug someone or shake hands… so touch, not something I am big on, nor have I ever been… Raped young, you do not like human touch….

The physical therapist is working my left side and working that band that runs from your hip to your ankle between the muscles on the anterior side…mine is twisted and turned and has been since the stroke at 13 years old… so over 50 years… and oh my goodness can it hurt, when they try to get that body part to turn and relax…

I wrote about the balance beam in high school, one of my few memories… that was after the Japan beating and brain bleed… and I couldn’t maintain my balance on the balance beam, when just a few years earlier I was walking 12 foot high pylon walls 6 inches wide and no problem…

So as early as 15, my left leg had already turned out and not one Air Force orthopedic, not even the one I just saw here recently caught it… but physical therapy did… big time sigh… remember I wrote about Tripler Army hospital saying I had Pagets an it was a whole bunch of orthopedic doctors… college educated only means you passed tests… fact!!!

We just finished our mile walk and my left leg stayed in the correct position, in fact, I correct it the minute it goes to the turned out position….

None of this feels good, it is making all of my body correct itself from the stroke, when I was 13… so muscles, ligaments, tendons… you name it, they hurt, but in a good way…

I get that some of this damage will never be reversible… they hid me away or lied about the injuries… christians biggest cowards on the planet…

But, there is a good chance that some of the damage can be reversed and that is what I am working for… that saying, no pain, no gain… couldn’t agree more… could use a little less pain, but oh well, at least I know I am alive…

What really got me, the nurse could feel the old damage in my arm from the beating at 5 years old with that old 1 inch thick wooden yard stick… last night I showed hubby the indent in my arm 59 years later… you rub your finger across and you can feel wear the tissue is indented permanently, because I was never seen by doctors… yep christians… biggest and baddest bullies on the planet… may they all live the lives they deserve… the shorter the better…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who saw the face of evil and it was mans god….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Fight or Flight… the Fear mechanism…

For the longest time, I would say about 5 decades, I could not figure out why I had fear… I had no clue of the beatings, or any of the trauma and I had become so good about burying the rapes and all the other bad things that happened as I walked through life… I didn’t understand why the “Fight or Flight” was turned on in my brain… I really had no clue…

The things that would happen during this time, I think in a way, helped me turn off my emotions or maybe not so much turn them off, but deal with them in a different way…

I remember when we moved to Mena in 03, how it felt to be around Don and Freda and how that “fight or flight”, turned on in overdrive over the most mundane behavior???

As I watched Don die and how the christians around me behaved, that was when it started to melt away… I left the house before he passed, Freda, never allowed me to be near him alone, she was afraid he would confess and blow her cover… so I was not with my dad, I was denied that like so much more, by Freda…

Anyhow, this flight or fight… seems to be gone… Remember I talked about the Zip line tour we did… I never felt fear, not even adrenaline… my body and brain was spent from 50 years of it in overdrive… the Endo doc even did a test to see if my cortisol levels were up… the test failed, they couldn’t hit a vein… dumb bitch used a 20 gauge on me and a butterfly is all they can use, why??? Neuropathy!!!

I have done all kinds of things in the last 15 or so months to see if that feeling or angst of fear and flight kicks in… NADA….

It is odd, how I can adjust to cutting off my biological family after so many decades of abuse… and I can do it to my own children…. why???

Because no one has a right to abuse me…. ever!!! that is the behavior of the christian world, abuse, lying, stealing, cheating, murdering, beating… that is what christians do…

I am an atheist… I don’t live by corrupt standards, I live by natures standards…

The butterfly feeling is there, but the fear and flight is gone… the steady hand that was there for the 5 car accident, decades ago has come back into my life… the hate and fear caused by christians, is gone…

I finally have control of my life… not christians … my soul is mine and it is free to soar…. as I watch christians spiral into hell or decadent behavior, but god will forgive them…bet priest say that every time they rape???…….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who loved to fly in the swing…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy & Sun, friend or foe???

After the last blow to my body by any human in 1971 alongside my head…. that was when the sun, heat, humidity started a love hate relationship… all because of that last blow to my head at 17 years old…

We are green, we do all we can to conserve energy, water, food, etc… so I have an out doors clothes line and today, we started moving things around, so laundry got started late and by the time it was done, we were at the height of our UV and heat for Hawaii… between 10AM and 2PM… so a little burned today, just slight pink… but it made me feel sick…

The same kind of reaction I got at suicide cliff on Okinawa after the head incident…

As much as I would like to think all this crap I deal with started as an adult… I have to and I have, which is why I am moving on… accepted the criminality of the home I was raised in… besides… they were and still are bat shit crazy…

So the heat, dry heat, does not seem to hit me as hard, I still do not like being out in it… but it’s a noticeable change from my childhood, where I spent all my time outdoors and the heat never bothered me… 

The neuropathy, both kinds that I have, take their toll… the autonomic flare up is still going on… it’s not 100% done screwing with me…

Moving will be a chore if it does not back off….

We chose our house and our town we are moving too… we are excited… and the time will pass quickly… and the fatigue I wear now, will become more pronounced until we are done and finished… so it goes when you make big life choices…  and our adventure has begun…

I skipped the supplements this morning, and still had a bad tummy, so it’s not that and likely is the neuropathy taking its pound of flesh… 

What did a 5-year-old child ever do to these religious bigots???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her love of swimming…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Humans a fluke of nature… for real… no gods involved…

Ya know I have never seen 99% of TV crap that is out there… Our TV stays on the Science channel or National Geographic or anything that is educational and can be backed with proof and not a book written several thousand years ago…

Religion will always be a thorn in my side, only because the blade is still stuck between my ribs… and mommy dearest has yet to remove it…

I know when we move, things will not change… our lives will still revolve around our home and not what is on TV or what anyone else is doing… We have learned to put our selves first and ignore the ignorance of humans… maybe explains why we are still kicking an so many we knew are 6 feet under…. we chose to live, not hide…

Science says we are a fluke of nature… we really got lucky when the asteroids damaged the earth and took out the top predators, dinosaurs… gave us a better chance to evolve out of what survived…

Kind of explains why some of us are vegetarians… we evolved from plant eaters and the rest of us, well, we came from the meat eaters… I love a good steak…

Super Novas, gamma rays… they all impacted our earth and helped our development… all except in the way our brain works… some of us are too afraid to live, so we hide behind gods and religion, instead of getting off our ass or using our brains like Hawking did…

I get the biggest kick out of those who believe in psychics… no different from religion… all someone is doing… using their ability to observe and extrapolate from those actions and come up with a story line… I do it all the time and my hubby says my average on being right is about 97%… wonder if the fake psychics is about the same… it’s just honing those skills that I developed as a child… nothing more… Psychics and preachers… biggest cons on the planet… I do it for free… they take money get free housing and all kinds of government support… me, not so much and I wore the military uniform… speaks volumes… I think that is called greed and deceit???

The day has started, the Autonomic meltdown has finally stopped… last night was beyond dizzy and upset tummy…. 2 full weeks… but I am getting to the point, where all that goes on, makes sense and isn’t a surprise… just a heads up, you are going to feel like crap… at least I get a warning… sigh….

Back to workouts, packing and waiting for the time to pass… the money in the bank… the work we have yet to finish…ugh…. but if all goes well and the interest we have in the house already…. we will be back in Washington by August… are we done yet???

My anger is passing, though I know there will be days it will flare and the smartest thing anyone can do, let me vent and it will pass…. but if anyone tries any more psychology on me on face book or any other place…. I am thinking they won’t like the words that will leave my lips…. high IQ, means high IQ… fucking with me is the dumbest thing anyone can do and my husband of 25 years will tell ya… I warn, than I sink your battleship…

Lots of crappy weather headed our way, so today we rearrange the sheds, so I can start packing the house and staging it…. ya know, it’s early and I think I am going to go smoke one big bowl before I start my day… still a little tummy rolling around….

Have a beautiful day…. we are…. Aloha….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to sleep, it kept her from being beaten….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Borg… not a bad idea….

I want a body like 7…. reminds me of my younger days…. 

Neck is real hassle, trying to keep it back an in position and not forward and putting a strain on those areas that are damaged from all those beatings… not fun…

Today at PT… I told her about the sensation in my forearms… and how it felt different from what the muscles in my upper arms feel… those hurt, because they are coming back to life… they have been used before… but not so much with my forearms…

I couldn’t turn my arms out, ya know, palms up and keep my elbows by my side… I can now, but I have been doing exercises now for months… anyhow, I told the PT and she worked on my right arm and if you look at this picture, see that indention in my arm… it’s broken… and the PT lady could feel the blunt force trauma damage… big time, I want to punch a wall kind of sigh…………………………..yep!

margie

Covered in bruises…

So, some new exercises, to help those muscles that are trying to communicate with the nerves and all the other junk inside my body… oh, so much to learn and no desire too… anatomy is what I mean… 

Ironic, I hate exercise, because of all the pain it gave me… now, that pain lets me know what is working and what is going to be a problem as I age…

So much damage to a little girl, only 6 years old in this picture and so much more abuse to come…

All because of christians god… a human man born on our planet… you really cannot fix stupid… you just can’t…

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I Remember… Margie… who never stood a chance against Trumps kind of god… MAN!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic meltdown in it’s 14th day???

I have for decades been trying to pin this situation down, so that, when the symptoms warn me it’s coming I know exactly what to expect, okay sort of, kind of… oh hell, I got no clue type scenario…

Before our guest arrived, I started feeling the upset stomach and not much else… along came slight dizzy feeling and thought it was my neck and made sure I did those exercises, no relief though???

I was concerned when we were out hiking and doing more physical stuff, that I would have an issue… but nope, I got to enjoy all we did… just sore muscles…

So my thought is, when the stomach starts letting me know it wants to empty, and I get numbness in my lips and I find I clench my facial muscles more and I get a headache on the left side of the head in the frontal temporal area… that seems to be the autonomic meltdown for me…

It goes for my digestive system and my lungs… not to sure it’s the cause of the tachycardia I live with… I think that is related to stroke and heart compressions… those ribs hurt and I never injured them, that I know of…

Now I need to remind myself… No thyroid drug in my body and I know according to the text books, I probably need to be on a mild dose, but I can’t take the medication… so got to keep in mind my body is still dealing with a drug I was on for 27 years and just quit in January… 

But I get the feeling stress is not my friend and this is how my body deals with stress and I need to find a more constructive way to handle the upcoming move and all that is going to happen in the next 6 months…

We chose our house… now it’s watch and wait, an hope things fall into place… only time will tell on this…

While out doing our mile, my lips became numb and tummy was not happy… 

It is so hard to figure this all out on my own, but so much easier than dozens of short trips to the doctor for 20 mins and get 2 words out and have to refresh them of what is ongoing…. nope, much easier if I figure it out and I will…

I don’t take anything to help with any of the symptoms… but the aha… I have a feeling, one of the supplements is now no longer needed… so other than my Bio-astin… it’s time to stop them and see what might be the culprit… I have eliminated them one by one, when the body starts getting what it needs from the diet… to much of any vitamin, can make you sick… I know this all to well… so time to start another experiment and see what is triggering my insides to revolt… because what I am doing presently isn’t working…

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I Remember… Margie… who was sneaking laxative as early as 7 years old, because of the beating at 5… she was smart, it kept her from getting issues with the bowels as an adult…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Have A Condition….my new pet phrase…

Oh my goodness if we buy the house we want to buy…. in-door pool, right on the river… some acreage… still lots of questions… but we have hope this will be ours and the gang will all be there…

While our visitor was here, she found out just how goofy we really are and that we really do not take life to seriously….

I mean come on… Mike was in heart failure when we moved here, today we found out it has improved very well…. Our guest got to see what happens when my wiring goes wrong and I fight to stay in the here and now…  so, would you take life real serious or go out and live it??? We choose to live it and embarrass our kids every chance we can… True story…

So while our guest was here, she of course asked questions and asked about other topics and when my filter took its mask off… I would have to pipe up and say… “you’ll have to excuse me, I have a condition” and of course with as much southern inflection as I can put in my voice… before long when those words left my lips, she was in tears and laughing… she has stage 4 cancer and is living with it… laughter always in my house…

So many of us, robbed of what we think life should have been… but if ya think about it… I’m pretty happy with the way it is… angst and all…. I would change nothing….

So this ole girl with a special kind of unfiltered condition is calling it a night… Next few weeks will be busy getting the house ready to go on the market… no dreams lately, not much of anything except the meltdown by my nerves inside me… and exercise keeps me sore… but really no complaints… sweet dreams… or not…

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I Remember… Margie… who loved long hair… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic melt down… piecing it together…

Piecing the signs together… the hints of impending doom and gloom…

Okay maybe not, but I don’t like roller coasters and when this happens, it is one long miserable ride….

I wrote the other day what happened on our way to the airport…

I noticed a headache on my left temporal area… about the same area as the right that suffered the stroke and bleed… anyhow… Head pain, sinus pain, recognizing I am tightening my facial muscles and jaw, so that wasn’t it… and I have had some sinus congestion, eh maybe… we did go up and down in elevation while we had company several times… nah… not it… so, what???

The residual symptoms are my clue… I am still dealing with a un happy tummy…. and it feels bloated and hard… aha moment…

So that’s why my body will purge… I am thinking, not a good idea, the thinking… but the thought is… it’s stress… and when it happened last summer, I was starting the journey of levothyroxine over dose… and the stress coupled with the drug, was enough to trigger the meltdown with the throne for 25 hours… but not this time… this time was different…

I handled the stress, or at least my body didn’t betray me like it usually does… now… the question is, is this the answer…

I guess the test will be, when we put the house on the market and I have to allow strangers into my home… yes we will be all packed up and our valuables out of reach of sticky fingers… but the move, sending Mike back to Washington to buy our final home… Hmmmmm.

This is a test, only a test, we will get back to your regularly scheduled program… in about 6 months, I am a thinking… again… oh dear… 

Are we done yet???

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I Remember… Margie… who loved Bewitch, but could never twitch her nose…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Veterans health care in America…

May of last year was when I saw my dentist an asked for mandible molar implants…

Got a call from Oahu VA on Monday and they had no record of such request…

Do you realize, we veterans can call, and we will rarely reach a human… that is a fact… Trump has a hiring freeze on, the VA like all federal agencies is understaffed…

I was a dental tech in the military and I know what to do to deal with the pain I live with in my mouth and I know that it is all nerve related… that doesn’t make it fun to live with…

I would mention the dental clinic here in Hilo, but liable I don’t care to be…

So, who is lying??? The dental clinic says they sent the paper work in the mail, per the request of the Oahu VA… so did someone in the Oahu VA just toss the paperwork… seen that happen first hand… VA has thousands of corrupt employees and that is a fact…

or did the employee at the dental clinic lie???

And people wonder why veterans have such a high suicide rate…

Because America does not care… so why should the vet care about their lives??? just wow… as long as the Trumps get all the free health care for robbing America, guess it all evens out???!!!

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I Remember… Margie… who was born with unique dental issues….

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA out of Oahu calls???

Before I forget to document this… got a call from Oahu VA office, following up on a complaint my hubby had filed, when we were fighting to get answers about that stroke… 

Ya know, that stroke was purely a hunch… other than these memories I have, I had no other clue than noticing my left side was weak after my surgery last year and no the stroke did not happen at that time, the brain bleed would have been fresh, mine was old…

Anyhow… I told the kid we had panicked over that MRI and since I still was dealing with doubt,  ya know, kind of hoping my memories were a mental illness manifestation and that I was in no way close to solving my own murder….

Damn, was I wrong… that saying, “be careful what you wish for”… well it bite me in the ass…

So I tell the kid all is hunky dory, but he could explain why I got no dental implants… and his comment…”We have no request for one”!!!

HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER!!!

Enough rant… either the dental clinic lied or the VA is destroying documents when they arrive at the facility… only answer… I worked for the Feds for a long time… corruption is not new… Jeez, just look at Trumps swamp…. enough said…

As for my health care while we are here… if they can get the cataract surgery done, that would be great… dental, probably not enough time… we are moving that soon…

We just got to decide… West coast of Washington or go home to Okanogan county…. decisions, decisions…

Anyway, I thanked the kid and told him, the VA had done all I requested and I had no complaints… wouldn’t matter if I did… I know how the system really works….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidintTell

I Remember… Margie… before she ever walked with a limp…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My Invisible Disability….Autonomic Neuropathy…

The past week, has been fun… and very surprising….

When I offered to take my niece to Zip line, I had done something similar to it, but only slightly and I wrote at one time I had a fear of heights… well, not any more…

The zip line was fun, but it never got my adrenaline going… It never got me excited…. It never made me feel fear…. It never gave me the butterfly feeling… I find all of this disturbing, kind of….

I have known for a very long time I am fearless, I have done stupid before and stood up to people and I have defended myself and actually hurt someone… I really do need to brush up on my self-defense, with my old body….it’s not young anymore…

I have read about those of us who have brain injuries that are moderate to severe and if it’s in the right location, we lose our inhibitions and have no filter and fear is in the garbage…

Well I have inhibitions, but I have no filter and it seems I have no fear, within reasonable limits… fear is the most important emotion we have and without it… we don’t live long…

I also found this week, I really don’t like being watched and I know I was… I don’t move the way I used too… I have changed…. most of all, I am so surprised of what someone thinks of me that has known me for over 30 years… it was nice to hear…

But mostly, I didn’t lose my temper or get cranky… I just got tired and acted like a person that was tired… until the trip across the island to take her to the airport and the central nervous meltdown happened… my invisible disability…. Autonomic Neuropathy…

Now this disorder is usually associated with high triglycerides and mine are…but that didn’t show up in blood work until about 20 years ago… the symptoms for the autonomic started when I was a child… and I have written about it… so what happened yesterday that scared our guest…

When this happens it is much like a seizure, but this time, Mike and I had a witness… I never loss consciousness… I never threw up, but boy did I want to… I never stop or became frozen in time and I continued to interact while the episode happened…. so I do get why neuro thinks it seizures… I just don’t fit the profile… but the Autonomic fits this scenario perfectly and this is what happens and it really is worse than a roller coaster…

First I get a flush of heat in my head, like a seizure would cause, then it transverse down my internal organs and this time no heart impact, heart rate stayed normal… it hits my lungs and makes it damn near impossible for me to get them to contract and expand… I can only get a shallow breath from the upper portion of my lungs, my lower portion of my lungs are paralyzed… they are stopped from functioning until the overload to my central nervous system is done… it lasted quite a while, about 20 mins… I couldn’t close my eyes, because it was a light show from hell, with my eyes closed… I had to keep sipping water and had the AC vent blowing on me to cool my head down… If my insides are gurgling, my bowels start to rumble… I know that the throne and I will be best of friends later that night… thankfully we were not last night…

The attack happened 3 times… and I actually got a warning a few days in advance… before it happened for a couple of days I was real nauseous…. like I had a bug…

This is something that has happened so many times over the years since the first beating at 5 years old… and this is the first time I have been able to isolate what exactly it was impacting… and I knew when I couldn’t do my breathing exercise…. my lungs were the target…

Autonomic neuropathy can kill… it goes for our organs and shuts them down… I have been doing breathing exercises since 1978… I think that is the only reason I haven’t had an attack that could knock me out… the memory pattern allows me to breathe, not much mind you… I can fill all of my lungs, but when this happens… I am fighting to stay alive with every breath…

I know it freaked our guest out… but we have been through this so many times… we know the drill… we stopped at a big store and I walked around, because those things in the store were not moving, the vehicle was and made it difficult to focus on what was needed, air…

Something I have lived with, entered the military with, worked my whole life with… so when someone tells me they can’t work and they have no doctors to back that bull shit statement…. I know the kind of person I am dealing with… oh, my life just seems to get more entertaining daily… going home is going to be an interesting experience… new enemies I will make…no doubt on that thought… sorry, got to keep some secrets…

So, was it all the activity that caused the melt down or was it just normal for me???

I wrote a while back about how these episodes were becoming more frequent… and they are… just as long as the throne and I are not overly friendly… I will learn to continue to cope with them and continue to do those things that help the damaged nerves not kill me… thanks mommy dearest for that beating at 5….

Another thing I find amusing… how few people realize Mike and I walk with death daily… everyone associates cancer as impending doom on their lives… we have never made that assumption… we live it daily….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before the first beating… so much taken, because she told the truth…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Taking chances…

Sometimes you just got to take a chance… Angelia is leaving to go home today… The pups accepted her in our home, with the usual growls an warnings, they are in charge, you are a visitor in our home… Choco drooled so much, we had puddles on the floor…but she kept all 10 fingers…

Just a fyi…Standing on an elliptical to record is hazardous to ones health…hubby was dying watching us women….Have a beautiful day… Aloha…

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Back to documenting my journey, vacation over….

Telling the story…

This past week, having a stage 4 cancer patient, a dear niece in my home…has been reminding me…

In the face of death comes grace… Not from a god…

But the soul of a human being….

We are given one chance to live, an people like me who died an came back…know how precious our lives are… No god on the other side of darkness…. just darkness as the brain dies…

Life is so very precious…Waste it on yourself, an not mans fake gods…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…the darkness enveloped her when her heart quit an her brain fought to come back…

Sgt USAF DAV

Zip Line the final run…

Reception not great, but I got this one to upload… I think this is the final run and I fly over Akaka falls… Sorry, my helmet was moving around a lot… but it still has some nice shots… This was the longest run of the 7 zip line runs we did…

One kid was terrified, if you hear me yada yada about trying at the end of the zip, just hit pause, had a heck of a time getting stuff to work today on the lap top…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was fearless….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Video of zip line…

Video I took with Iphone, will upload the go pro soon… This was at Zip line tours, big island Hawaii…

The video is one of the college kids on the tour… this run was the 2nd longest we did, sorry the zoom in an out…

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I Remember Margie…an this time she was flying….

Sgt USAF DAV

Zip line insanity…

Today is a test…. Test of my courage an if my bladder is going to betray me when I start screaming….

More than that, its a physical test… Yesterday at the Dolphin Quest, I was sitting on the ground an stood up with just using my legs… Spoke volumes on how far I have come in building my strength….

Today we hike between zip lines an its a half mile hike to get to the first one… When hiking on black sand beach, I found out how hard my thigh muscles had to work, sore for two days… Yesterday was a long hike too…

It is weird, I have had this stroke walk with me for over 50 years… But I am so aware of the issues I always ignored an thought was just normal for me….

So many lies told to protect secrets that never were, because a man made god forgave them…Me the victim… Will never forgive…

Me the survivor, removed them from her life….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who is gonna kill me for doing the zip lines…

Sgt USAF DAV

Hawaii Island… Swim with dolphins and Zip line tour…

Weather not all that great, but we have gone out and looked for new and interesting things to do… Tomorrow, my niece will swim with dolphins at the Hilton…

Friday, her and I are doing the 7 Zip line tour, here on the big island… if you are curious what that is, just google zip line for the big island…

No pictures to share today, but tomorrow and Friday… should be fun… We are wearing go-pro cameras for the 7 zip lines…

Have a nice evening…. Aloha…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to fly before she died and is going to do it again on Friday…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Botanical garden on Hawaii, big island…

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Not much in bloom, but the garden recovered nicely from Hurrican Lane last year… still a pretty hike…

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I Remember… Margie … and the dozen roses she won mom, just before Margie died…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Why do I remember???

When the young airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas… I was shocked, just like everyone else… but had become numb to all the mass shootings by mostly white males and the propaganda our own president promotes for white superiority…well if he is an example, they will kill each other off…

Sorry I digress, when I sat down an started talking about Big Springs, Texas… the memories flooded in like Noah’s ark fable….

I keep going back to the one thing that has not changed…

I remember nothing new… so why do I remember what I do remember…

I can account for my adult life… not every single day, thankfully… but I can sit and meditate and what ever year I am going for, I will get the important stuff, all the fluff is in lala land…

When I do that with my childhood, I hit more brick walls than they do on the Mario speedway… and I can tell when I hit the wall, the dead-end…

Not being a person who has faith in hypnosis, it may or may not work… I may pursue that course if I feel the need… and that is the other problem…

I said for a long time how the missing memory is like missing a limb or a twin… and I can only imagine that feeling in life… it makes me wonder if, as the time pass’ and I accept the violence that was done and the fact the living will continue to hide in plain sight…

Just maybe it’s not all that important to fill in the gaps… Maybe that is why the calm is coming over this whole environment…

It’s a curious thought and one I am interested in seeing to completion…

The psychological part of this journey, making sure I don’t cheat myself in the process because of fear or not understanding what I am experiencing… yet deep inside my brain I felt a twinge of anger…

Still more work to do… the brain is settling down, the thoughts are healthy and in keeping with the progress I have made… Not sure this won’t always be going on… figuring things out… got a lot of years that fed off that brain injury… 

I can hear the parrot down the street shreeking… Oh I am so looking forward to some quiet…

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I Remember… Margie… who never like loud noises…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Questions with no Answers…

Many mental health workers believe it is a good idea to get your thoughts down in a journal, diary, video or audio memory… especially when making a journey like mine…

I have written of all that gets to me, I tried to make sure I was as honest with myself as that was so important… be honest about how I feel about all things… disappointments, pain, mental and emotional, fears… most of all the fears and some are still there…

I still have lots of questions and probably will never get answers… I still have fears that only I can overcome…

I have no expectations out of anyone else or myself… but I have lots of hope…

As I sit here and I think of all that has happened in my childhood and adult life… I feel no anger….

I do feel some sadness, but that is only because I expected adults to be adults and I now realize… mental illness is more prevalent in our society than I thought possible… It is I who will have to adjust to their mental illness and delusions… as I do not see the world or life as they do… I see it through my eyes and not myths built on man-made religions…

A calmness has come over our home, a peace I have not felt, ever… it’s called acceptance…

It will be 6 years this year since my oldest talked to me… I was hard on what he did… I hope he finds light, before the darkness consumes him….

As for our other kids… their lives are theirs, not ours… They are from a different era than Mike and I and anything we did for our parents, we do not expect from our children… that is social media and society as a whole… we are a different nation, I hope it continues to evolve for the good of humanity and not just white man nationalism….

Our move has become a reality and the thought of finally settling down is appealing… as to where, that is still to be determined, though we have made a choice, it could change…

I do not expect life to change, when we move… because people will not change… this should be an interesting ride…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the animals in the clouds…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Pretty day on Hawaii…

Playing with my camera and trying out different lens… we have company in a few days and I will be out and about the island taking lots of pictures… our last chance to get out and see it, before we start the work and put the house up for sale…

Hope your day is just as pleasant… Aloha from HPP on the big island of Hawaii…

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I Remember… Margie and her love of nature…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Love… Respect… Honesty… Hardest way to live life…

At some moment in time, I made a choice in life to live by the above statement… and I have no regrets… because I know the life I have lived and continue to do so…

As my brain takes all the chaos of memories that have been buried for decades… I see the measures I took to protect myself as I re-learned life, never letting them know how damaged I truly was… if I did, that gave them more power over me… Mom, Dad, Brother & Sister… Aunts, Uncles, Granny, including friends….

By the time I turned 13 years old, the brilliant mind I was born with, was struggling to stay above water and had not other choice but to acquiesce to the elders for survival… but the brain didn’t completely capitulate over… no it held onto a desire to make everyone pay… Revenge… but how to go about it and not turn out like the christians that took a childs life???

Not change, hide, but never change… I had to make choices… and those choices had to be genuine… the CON would never work for me, I was to transparent in my emotions… or at least I thought I was… come to find out, people interpreted my attitude and outer cover as confidence… how poorly these people learned to observe their fellow human… thus the word assumptions in our vocabulary….

I was born knowing nothing but truth, I will die, doing the same… so I did not change, though god and religion did all it could to take truth and honesty and integrity from me… but most of all I escaped with my soul and individuality… so, no I did not change from who I was born to be… but I had to hide to survive…

Loving someone is the easiest thing on the planet… Respecting them is a whole different condition and not one that comes easy….

The one thing I have not done to my family and friends and kids and grandkids…

I have never disrespected them… I told the truth… and that is not what they want to hear… gee that does sound like Trump and his religious bigot base…

None of my family, friends or relatives can say the same… even on face book… oh that is such a fun tool…

Why is this subject so important to me???

TRUST… it is not given, it is earned… I have never done anything to anyone on this planet to violate that sacred word….

TRUST… no one I know can say the same, including my husband of 25 years… he had to earn it back… no one else has truly bothered… or apologized…

Really does explain why I prefer to live such a solitary life… less painful…

I have been fortunate in life to have lived it all, love, pain, loss, death and I experienced each and everyone one of those moments in time… because of christians…

I am getting close to moving again and that final home will not meet all my expectations… only because people have to want to change and so few bother to improve upon which they are born with… now if you figure this statement out you are right up there with all thinkers who believe knowledge is power….

I love many people and respect so very few… I need more of Margie’s acceptance to come back into my life… so many years of being used does that to a person…

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I Remember… Margie… and when christians god showed its true face…

Sgt. USAF DAV

We got sunshine…

We have had so much rain, we are starting a dry pattern… views on our walk this morning…

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Got my camera out, since company will be here soon… need to remember how to use it…

This is what we see everyday, when we go out an walk… Orchids, Mauna Kea, Pacific Ocean… our little house….

Have a beautiful day…

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I Remember… Margie… who always had a camera… but hated her picture taken…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I am a Elder, not your best friend…

Quit treating me like I am your best friend… I am your elder, not your BFF…..

The last few years has taught me, with my sons… they forgot, I was there for them… where were their dads??? I don’t lie to them and I make them own their lives or they can stay out of mine… I am not on this earth as a best friend… I am the person who allowed them to live by giving birth to them… I was there… not the sperm donors!!!

As for the grand kids… a few years ago a beautiful grand-daughter got into modeling… and was using a company that has been around for a long time, under many names and the courts keep closing them down, but back they come to steal from naive kids…

I showed her it was a scam and that the thousands she had given them, just went into the dudes mansion… her mother went off on me, the child was cold and distant…

My ex daughter in law has done more lying than Trump has and that is a fact… because of that, the rift between father and kids is wide… and I have worked to get her to come clean… and trash we have become… just like the house we gave them to live in…

I have done things for my step daughter, but because of her up bringing, she too has disrespected…

I honestly do not get it… even though my parents beat me to death, on more than one occasion and I have multiple TBIs, PTSD and neuropathy…. I never disrespected them… they are still my elders… instead I walked away from that life, because, they didn’t respect me…

The same goes for our kids and grand kids… We are not your age, we have already spent over 6 decades on this earth and I have lived a life rich with experience… it just does not agree with theirs… 

But ya know what, every time they want something…. the phone rings…

What Mike and I have done for our parents, the money we spent to be their and the civility and respect we showed them… We will never get back…

Just ask the kids, they know everything… which is why I stay reasonably silent anymore with any of them… so many have been rude and disrespectful as if they have a right…

You do not… we never did that to them…. and that is a FACT!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. granpa Dave in hospice gave me a dollar at 6 years old, I spent it on him, even though the gift of money was for me… that is how Margie treats others…

Sgt. USAF DAV

What to do with this site of rants and bigotry…

It has bothered me lately… it is not who I am or what I believe… but words left my lips and words were typed… so, they came from my injured brain… is that okay, is that an excuse or acceptable behavior, just because I have a severe brain injury??? I do know the difference between right and wrong and I do know when not to be unfiltered… so why has any of this bothered me???

I remember… I remember a little girl with a whole different attitude before the Big Springs beating, death and stroke… just 13 years old and my world changed, because a woman had a kid that was not my dads and I call her mother… nothing more… just a manipulated situation that went wrong and I paid the price….

Yes, I am still angry and that is okay… it is melting away, as all things do over time, unless you fixate on it…

The emotional pain, wow… that is beyond complicated and has so many layers, I will have to get back to that subject in due time…

Control… control is in my hands… the PT worker asked if I remembered anything new… and I can not answer that question… it is way to early in this process to rule it out as I am finding..

There is much I have written that is prejudice, bigoted, hateful, mean, intrusive and negative… mostly about christians and their faith… after so much in the news about catholics and the Baptist… if people want to let their pocket books be emptied and their children be raped… nothing I do or say will stop it…

My mind is moving on… it’s yearning to write the story and I know I can’t start till we are settled and I have the quiet I need to maintain the focus… brain injury, distractions are not helpful, neither is noise…

Life moves forward and my words stay in print… I have to own what I wrote and thought… even though a man-made drug influenced that thought process… it really is a direction I have no desire to relive… but the experience will help with writing the book, because those souls are so much darker than what I wrote… an that drug took me to that place for the last 26 years… levothyroxine… the drug from hell….

As time pass’ I guess you do heal…

If you want too…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the light she brings into a room…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy & PTSD…

It has been 2 months since I quit the levothyroxine and just wow… 26 years plus of hell, because of one tiny man-made drug… and I wonder how long before I would have taken my life, if I hadn’t got confirmation of the TBI’s… and people are living that have my answers and silent as the grave they are, though they live above ground… but if ya think about it… maybe below ground is where they truly dwell???

My body and brain have been up and down for so long, I list as I walk… for real… not sure what that is all about, but neuropathy and head trauma…. there are lots of things I deal with, that I will never get a text-book answer on… I have to figure it out… and there are days that is so very daunting…

Last night vivid dreaming… so not much sleep… that power nap in the afternoon helps…

Stress is so much in the picture… we know, by June we will have the house on the market and it will sell fast and we will be back on the mainland, looking for that final home to rock away the rest of our days… 

Do we go for the one we want and live the dream and be house poor for a while or do we do the smart…. I’ll share a little secret… If you get the opportunity to live your dream, go for it… we have one life and wasting it on caution and fear, isn’t living…it’s hiding…

An that dream comes with a hefty price tag… but we have been grooming ourselves on finances for a couple of decades and living small while living large, sounds like so much fun… I will share a picture if we buy it…

The neuropathy is showing its head, yesterday had to stay off the elliptical, I know when to not push my body, learned that the hard way in the military… and spring chicken I am not… today is PT and may be my last appointment, not sure if there is anything more they can show me… it all is helping and I am getting stronger… just walk with a list, kind of… but I always have since the Japan beating…

Again, knowing has made all the difference… Not only can I feel the changes in the brain reaction to events… I can feel the body changes and that takes the pressure off all the pain and levels have come down, but pot does help…

As days pass, I think less of the family and their involvement…  that thinking will happen when it’s time to tell Margies full story of how she survived a christian household… that will be a dark tunnel to enter, when I write that story from a perspective that is out of character for me…

I look forward to when my time is taken up with projects in the craft room or in the garden or just rocking away on the porch looking at the lake and smoking that bowl and thinking…

In the end, I truly won….I think what is coming next is going to be one grand adventure…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and all the adventures she took inside her mind… so many stories she lived safely in her world…

Sgt. USAF DAV

We got the rainbow…

Honest we do have good weather on Hawaii… We live in the tropical weather region.. Hawaii has 9 distinct climate zones on the island… You can snow ski in the morning an surf in the ocean in the afternoon…

Rain happening an this rainbow appeared as the sun peeked between the clouds….

Happy Thursday…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember Margie…who hates thunderstorms….

Sgt USAF DAV

No more special…

I don’t feel special no more… just saw on the news about the face book outage…

Made me comment to hubby, remember me telling you I was seeing weird stuff on FB the past few days… think we got our answer….

One thing about some of the stuff I do and can see… even I miss the warning signs…

So FB is down for “some unknown reason”… I would think N. Korea, China, Russia hackers likely… but hey… 

I thought I was special today and got shut down for free speech… 

Ooooops… my bad… it was the goblins in the internet…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hates jumping to conclusions… so red cheek when it happens…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Win, Face Book Looses….

I got under someone’s skin… so they shut down my face book pages and it looks like they are messing with Mike’s page… so I hit a nerve…

Ya know what, boo hoo… FB and its base are as thin-skinned as Trump and that ladies and gentlemen is a fact…

I think in my post on face book I used the word Jew and If I could tell you verbatim what I said I would, but the gist… it’s about labels and Jew is a label, as is democrat, right, left, black, brown… that is the gist of my fb post… but because I used the word Jew… I got shut down… wow…

Labels are what those in power use to control the every day common human being… you see in the news how the rich and famous manipulate the school system for the stupid off spring they produce… just look at Trump, dumb as a post in school… but he’s our president…. ewwwwwwww…

Face book is doing me a favor by eliminating my page… I find face book beyond annoying and way out of my comfort zone… but it helped with my progress of coming out of my shell and keeping myself to myself… and I was craving that privacy again, now with FB out of the picture… 

I win… and face book just showed me it is about the owner, his ethnic background and not about the 1st amendment of the constitution… didn’t the Salem witch trials start out like this???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before powerful men like Zuckerberg quieted her voice…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Face Book shutting me down, because of their man made god…

I believe in science and reality… do you know that the people who live in America moved their because of their beliefs in their god???

I don’t believe in such nonsense or superstitions… but because I voiced that on face book they shut down my pages… and removed my posts….

It is sad when a business or another human being think they have a right to tell me what I can and can not say….

Censorship alive and well in America… only because of christians…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and being told to lie, because it was what god wanted…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Sudden heart felt pain…

It does happen, that fleeting moment in time where I will flash on my childhood and I get hit with such a large amount of emotional pain and I wince and ask… why???

Is the pain because of the abuse, the beatings, the hateful words, the envy from my own sister???

Is it because my first love, my daddy, beat me to death… Is it because my mother hated me from the moment she couldn’t control me at 1-year-old???

Is it because so many know the secret and are playing god???

I can tell you it’s none of the above…

As much as I want to deny my memory ability… it’s those gaps in my memory, that hurt beyond any pain I have ever felt… it is as if I lost a child to death or a hand or leg to amputation… it hurts and I long for what I once had…

You can have a TBI or be raped or be beaten to death like me… and you might relate to some of what I say…

But…. If you are not missing memory, you can never begin to understand the pain I live with daily… minute by minute… always waiting and hoping to jump on a memory that says, we are still here… they didn’t take me away from you…

I keep waiting… and I keep hoping and most of all I keep looking for what was stolen… my memories… as they hide behind their man made god…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her innocence they stole at age 5…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My anger will not change the outcome, they have to want too….

Something lately bothering about this whole mess of remembering… my anger…

I get my hunger anger, which is rumbling as I write…

I get my medication anger from levothyroxine for the last 26 years…

What I struggle with right now, my current anger… as for my anger towards our kids, they will either grow or won’t…. that is their life choice…

My anger with my birth family, my living mother, sister and older half-brother, the younger siblings that stole material property and personal…  my aunt and cousins… that anger is something I am getting tired of carrying around… why???

They are not worth it… none of them… and because I acknowledge this little lesson in life, some of that anger is melting away and by years end, it will just be a memory… a bad one at that… but still just a memory…

People find it fascinating I had a kid, went into basic training 2 months after the birth of that child, all the while not knowing I had a stroke 10 years before at the age of 13… people find my life interesting, because I didn’t know my handicap and fought constantly to over come it… the physical side of this journey, scary at times, devastating at others… but when it counted, my body was their to save my son’s lives…

It really is ironic… I gave auntie, cousins, brothers, sisters and mother… all the opportunity in the world to tell their side of the story… and they all counted on that one statement at Alines house… she won’t remember anything… and my heart flutters at the thought…

Going back to black… not knowing, terrified, fighting demons that were in these people’s skin…and I let go a big sigh… people playing god… plain and simple… nothing more than what Trump is doing.. or any rapist…or thief or what ever label you choose…

It will take some time for my emotional state to get back to a normal pattern that I recognize… hormones and women, oh so going to enjoy watching the girls in my life as they age… and just smile…

All anyone had to do… tell me the truth and let me deal with it… instead they hide behind a man born on this planet that they call a god… I feel sorry for their pathetic empty lives… they fear so much and miss out on even more… I loved them and now I do not… I just pity them… they chose to play god with my life….

That was a mistake on their part…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved easily…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Still Trying…

Not so much as feeling stretched thin… just pleasantly tired and not cranky…

The levothyroxine is 100% out of my body… the changes have been slow, but progressive…

I am most assuredly one of those people who get angry when hungry… so that is something I am learning to pay closer attention too…

Sleep, some of that is my own issue, I am not tiring myself out and I need less sleep and I go to bed to early… so adjustments will have to be made… it will take time to get into a rhythm that will work for me…

Thoughts… and depression…. I can really tell the difference… the levothyroxine caused some of the worse depression I have ever experienced… getting it out of the blood and brain, smart choice for me…

I did feel depression, but I could tell exactly where in my brain it came from and that is the area that has the stroke and brain bleed…. an incident happened, where before I would have been in tears… not this time… so yep, the hormone games with my brain and body by man-made drugs… DONE!!! and never again… what a living nightmare, and hubby stuck it out through all of it… 

Exercise is helping and I am building endurance and stamina…. though our move will put a small kink in some of the workouts as stuff gets packed… 

I am finding, this is one time motivation is not an issue… this is about quality of life and no one can do it but me, so push on I will continue, maybe someday I will come to like exercise, but I doubt it…

Mentally, I am trying to push into areas that Margie does not want me to go… Some of the behavior and violence of my family is so very painful and it’s not a world I care to revisit, but I know if I want the nightmares to stop or at least I get to own those nightmares… I am going to have to go to the dark place… it’s really not easy to walk into the mind of the mentally ill and step into their shoes and try to understand their desire to hurt and kill and most of all destroy what they can not control…

1968, Aline’s & Lee’s house… Mom… “We were told she would not remember anything”…

Nov 5, 2017 a young airman kills 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and on Nov 7, 2017….

I Remembered Big Springs, Texas 1967… the place I was supposed to forget everything when I died…

Still trying to walk through this tangled web of deceit, hate, bigotry, religious fanaticism, narcissism, greed, lying, stealing and cheating environment I once called family… I shake my head an wonder, will I ever get there, I must if I want peace…

Time will tell ….

I Remember….Margies light was pure before god and darkness took hold…

Margie took her light from the darkness and kicked god out….

It’s dark light only knows self-deprecation….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Einstein once said…

Do not follow the ones that have all the answers…

Follow the ones that have lots of questions….

I will never stop questioning what happened…

This should be fun…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…who asked the uncomfortable questions an still does…

Sgt USAF DAV

Domestic violence and blunt force trauma… physical pain still, 60 years later…

On Japan, after that beating and about a year after the stroke and about a few months after the brain bleed… which is why I think Japan plays such a pivotal role in my brain issues, but not the skeletal… those I contribute to mom and her yard stick beating after the TV host interview…

I remember after I caught my right hand in the Belair’s car door and broke 2 fingers, I was only about 11 or 12 and the guy at the base ER said I would have arthritis in both hands and I never forgot that… My right hand I understand… my left hand not so much… more to remember…

By the time I was in the Air Force the osteopathic doctor I was seeing at Vance, did all kinds of tests and X-rays… that is when we found my rib cage was heavily calcified and little did we know, it was a result of the beatings I got as a child… he did ask if I had been in any accidents or been beaten and I told him no… and I called mother and I did ask… of course her response, “nothing happened to you as a child except for the normal illness'”… sigh…. remember I posted my MRI showing the stroke from 13 years of age!!!

By this time, I had cortisone injected into my knee, I couldn’t get down on my hands and knees and I had lots of pain when I ran, which was required for PT every year in the military… by the time I was discharged in 83, I was forced to walk 3 miles, instead of run the mile and half… because of skeletal issues…

The impact of doing certain things through out my life since I was a child are painful… what has the write up have anything to do with anything…

PT the other day, he had me get on a small trampoline and jump up and down, I only did a few and winced in pain and he noticed… I had to remind him of all the blunt force trauma from childhood and the modeling of my skeletal, makes it heavier than it should be and is painful to run or jump… so no more of that type of exercise… Impact exercise will never be on the menu for this journey, the pain is off the charts….

I never understood the restrictions towards the end of my military career and found in my records, it was recommended I meet a medical board… that never happened, it was more important they cover up the rape and attempted murder of my children, so I was forced out…

I really do not have the energy to go after the military and the VA… and I am not sure any lawyer wants to take on this nightmare, but we will ask… maybe they will win and our kids will be rich… it could take that long in the courts…

Regardless, there have been many things I have tried to do and got cut off at the pass because of my body limitations that I didn’t understand, but do now… Flying lessons, I couldn’t push the pedals down easily for landing… and those brakes, you want… Practice to jump out of a good airplane, yep, I did practice a couple of times and got injured… Endurance of any kind and impact sports… nope those choices were taken from me after the TV host beating at age 5… my life determined by christians who tried to beat their man-made god into my body… it didn’t work, just a FYI…

The PT is teaching me how to work with the limitations I have always had since the first severe beating at age 5… I just might make the next 40 or 50 years more pleasant to live… instead of fighting the unknown… the memories are giving me a positive quality of life… I just have to work a little harder for it….

Now if I could get the sleep factor under control, I would almost be a happy camper… but we are trying to figure out our next move and make use of every dime we have… it’s our last move, if I have any say…. so stress is playing it’s role right now… I am only limited by what I let my mind tell me I am limited on… it’s when I can no longer take the physical pain, do I back off from a goal… when that happens, I look at my goal and try a few hundred scenarios out, until I find a goal that I can accomplish with my limitations… always learning a new way to do things… kids born without limbs don’t seem to let that limit them… I have all mine, it’s just how well can I work out the best way to work with what I got… sometimes physical is only limited by the mental….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to play outside, even when in constant pain…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Learning has not changed…

I said numerous times in writing, I learn mostly by repetition an watching…Reading, some, but I have to read it several times to imprint the text…

I am learning several new programs at once, an confusion happens because I get things mixed up in the steps of the application or program I am using…

Its not as daunting as it was when taking Levothyroxine… that one tiny pill sure caused me lots of problems for too many decades….

Now retaining the information seems to be less cluttered with other information…

Even smoking med grade pot, doesn’t seem to create the frustration I used to deal with…

Hormones an brain injury, want to know what hell is…Come visit me in my brain when I pop a thyroid pill…still boggles my mind that drug did so much bad an zero good for me… unfiltered, understatement…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… an no birthday memory before 16…

Sgt USAF DAV

Dead duck… sounds like Washington

Stole this off of face book, only because I am goofing off learning this application… No offense meant… and all dogs and cats were treated equally…

Switch and bait… sounds so much like what is happening in our country…

Have a nice saturday…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved mystery theatre on the radio…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD and the fight to keep your soul out of the fanatics hands…

Is it possible to live in conjunction with PTSD and still thrive???

I would have to say yes… I have done it my whole life…

Lately the mind and body feel like they are living together, instead of fighting each other… So many decades of that battle and all that knowledge sits inside people who are living and, who are afraid to come forward and tell me exactly what happened… they did this to a 13-year-old child… actually I have to go back further… It really all did start with the TV host interview… at age 5…

From age 5 till now… I have fought to get answers… unfortunately some questions that have answers will be denied to me by the living and their god… insanity at it’s best…

Some may come back to me… It’s beyond strange or twilight zone… Hypnosis should be a fun ride…

I can account for all of my life, except the first 17 years… I have gaps… Did the stroke take some in 67 or did the brain bleed on Japan in 68 take them, or did the final blow on Okinawa finish the job…

Still too early to know that answer… my dream patterns are changing and I know that intimately… I have always dreamed… I have never not dreamed… but those were not dreams, they were memories… some no longer bother me, in the sense of my sleep…

Psychologically, I think this will always be a journey to reconcile what can not be reconciled… and at some point in time I will come to accept and move on… I know, I have done it before and it just becomes a memory and a file in my brain with no power… 

Knowledge is power in my case… knowing my medical issues and what is related to domestic violence, which 98% of my body issues are… helped me get to a point where I can address the mental side and the damage done by the abuse and cover up…

When the living refuse to help the victim they created… 

There is your gods in America and we have millions… and they hide behind those laws that protect their religion…

Who is protecting us from them???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who learned to hide her feelings at 5 years old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Working it out on my terms…. not yours…

Told hubby I was moving away from the subject… It’s an old subject, it has been around for centuries, I am not going to change anyones opinion… but it’s still a part of my story… yet, I am going to move away from it…

Why??? Because the story is about one subject… domestic violence….

Be it the rapes or the beatings or the near death…. 

This story is about one thing… People abusing children, regardless of any religious fanaticism or any other excuse they could come up with…

This is about domestic violence… The fact that adults beat on children from the time they left the womb and abused them into their old age…

This story is about domestic violence… one of the tools of the abuser… manipulation, physical and psychological control….

This story is not about their religious faith or what they say they believe… 

This story is about domestic violence….

I will still never trust any living or dead human that worships gods….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and stepping on nails…always barefoot…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Little sleep, cranky rant… PTSD, so fun… NOT!!!

I knew when I started the process of PT and exercising in earnest and quitting the thyroid drug… I was opening Pandora’s box….

As for the mood… I would say very mellow… get a little testy, but when hungry, always do… working on noticing that better…

As for the body, holy moly am I sore… using 2 pound weights on my wrists and 5 pound weights on my ankles… did 8 minutes on the elliptical and some other exercises with the weights…

Sleep, I think I am getting some, I don’t feel exhausted, just tired like I always have felt, since Big Springs, Texas and the near death event… so over 50 years of that fatigue issue…

Diet, the weight is coming back off… hormones can screw a woman up so fast, it makes your head turn like the exorcist and that is a fact… ask my hubby, he’s seen 25 years of that wicked witch of the west, called hormones… The only thing I get now is the cream and when it runs out, that will be the last of any hormone replacement therapy and my body will finally be on its own… so yep, it’s all good now… at least, I think so…

There is nothing I can do about the VA and Tri-west… I filed two IG complaints and never heard or got acknowledgement on them… All I know, the 2 directors I complained about got fired… it’s really a nightmare to file complaints against a government agency… and I used to work for them…

We are pushing to have our company in a couple of weeks, so lots of pictures as we travel around the island one last time… than it’s on to finishing our projects and packing… I think the house will sell fast…

The economist say we are into a mild inflation and recession and that buys me about a year to get into my final property before I get priced out… so a busy time ahead and lots of adventures and mis-adventures in the process…. should be fun…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who jumped over king snakes in Bonita…

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA always screws women veterans…. Thank you for your service, worse lip service ever!!!

May of 2018 was when my dentist recommended dental implants and to this day, I have not heard one word from the VA on Oahu… may the gods that run that office pay dearly…

On Feb 13, 2019, my optometrist recommended eye surgery….. So they faxed that info to Tri-west that same day while I was standing there in the office… Yesterday, Tri-west had no fax… so I get the doctor’s office on the cell phone and I have Tri-west on the land line, both on speaker phone, so we confirm the fax was sent again yesterday to the correct number???

Excuse the hell out of me… but the $60 printer I bought a few weeks ago that scans and prints and guess what fax’s…. lets me know when a fax has been sent and received!!!!

Why the hell can’t doctor’s offices and Tri-west and the VA expend the same amount of money or did the contract with what ever company they deal with not put in the fact that fax’s can be tracked????

It took me from 2010 to 2018 to get my rectocell surgery and it cost me in the trans mesh settlement case and I got a lower settlement amount!!! Because of the VA… so now Mike is having his lawyer look into going after the VA!!!

This is beyond ludicrous… but If I was a man… I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this now…I would have already committed suicide… because everyone I deal with makes me feel like I am just a number and not a human being…

So fed up with christians who say I made hate speech, because I tell everyone, do not trust christians… our country is being led by a congress and white house full of christians…. Enough said!!!

So over America and it’s bull shit… but my family has been on American soil since the 1500’s!!! So piss off you racist, bigoted christians… you brought your religion to my country and I reject your slavery and your bigotry, your hate and your prejudice…

Doesn’t look like my eye surgery will happen while we live here…. been bitching about my eyesight issues since last Aug!!!

So over corruption and christians!!!  

Our schedule is, house on market by June and off island by August… not much time to fit all the appointments that I need to have the eye surgery or the dental work… and they wonder why veterans commit suicide…

“Thank you for your service”, is the worse lip service on the planet… I got paid to do a job and I did it… The VA & Tri-west are being paid to do a job… to bad they have no clue what that means… I guess a paycheck and benefits is all that is really important to them and saying…

“Thank you for your service”… lip service over health care is just what every American deserves… especially veterans…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidintTell

I Remember… Margie… before the brain bleed, when she didn’t need help with her vision!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Rape in the news…

The R. Kelly story, people still talking about Kavanaugh…. Rumors of Trump…. American Cardinal…. Baptist church….  and I am told I did hate speech… because I fear christians…

Who do you think all the people I just mentioned are and what they have been accused of doing and I am accused of hate speech, because I fear the very people who broke my body, stole my soul and stole from my body???

Really makes me want to dig a moat around what ever property I decide to spend the rest of my days on… I mean for real, what the hell happened to democracy and free speech in America…

Not once did I mention a religious group or person or church or color or sex or place…

I simply stated that I will not turn my back on christians, because they are liars, murders, rapist, thieves, cheats, adultery… etc… they chose the label christian, just so their god will forgive them as they commit these crimes… all of which I have been subject too….

Holy crap on a cracker are they a bunch of wanna be humans…. when in fact they are competing for satans job…

We have made being anti religious a crime…. We have taken away my basic human rights because people are afraid of their own shadow…. holy crap on a cracker you can’t fix stupid…

We have made it so that we are co dependent upon each other and religion is the number one crutch…

I went to a bonfire and burned my crutches… when I saw what christian really meant… and excuse to do the worse against your fellow human…

That dark path is too dark for me and so is the god they worship…. 

I prefer the light of truth and honesty and integrity and most of all… just being a human that tries very hard to leave no bodies behind when they depart this earth…

Yep, rape has been in the news now for 3 years since Trump got elected president and it told me exactly where the morality of America was…. the catholic and baptist toilet….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the first time she was raped at 12, by a christian…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Life, just as ordinary as yours???

From the first blow at 1-year-old to the last blow at 17 years old… all I knew was hate and violence…

Upon leaving home, what a naive, dumb kid, but I learned and I learned to say no… though on more than one occasion, that word had no value…

Meet 1st hubby, while pregnant with my first-born, remember I talked about that rape… we marry… it didn’t last… I wrote about how he wandered, when he shouldn’t have… Met hubby Number 2, while still married to the first… went to Italy… earth quake happens and I get pregnant with my 2nd born…

6 months into that pregnancy, emergency appendectomy… 2 months after that birth… I was at basic training for the Air Force…

Get defective surgical gloves and we are exposed to a host of illness’… Hep C was one of them… state lab test came back unknown on the infection, they had no clue what I got exposed to… Oklahoma city-state lab had no clue…

Child gets raped and within 2 years I am being pushed out of the Air Force… no mention of the doctors findings… no mention of the rapes I endured or my child, wrote about the ghost that saved my kids… just men in power protecting men in power…

I go on to get VA benefits and work civil service… lived on Japan… worked protocol and met lots of big wigs that never impressed me…

By now we are into the late 1980’s and sick is a understatment… another divorce… lots of tests… lots of wrong conclusions… by now been married 4 times and I just hit my 30’s and I still have no clue about a stroke and near death at 13 years old…

Fast forward… hubby #6, living on Hawaii and a doctor finally listens to my stories and hears a cry for help and does what no one else did… EEG of my brain…

Abnormal brain waves found MRI & MRA done just recently…

We know… I suffered a stroke and the memories I have remembered since Nov 7, 2017 are true…

Not a sound out of the family… totally cut off from them now… why???

Because I Remember… and some people tell me my life is fascinating….

Really??? Why???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie, before god stole her soul…

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI & Repressed Memories, how knowing changed everything…

I will make this statement a million times before the book is done… how my mother, father, brother and sister can keep silent…okay dad has been dead 13 years… but the other 3 people are living and guess what, not a peep out of any of them… not a sound… quiet as the graveyard, except on Halloween… ever been in a graveyard on that night… oh so much fun… 

But my mommy and siblings… not talking… as much as I hate to admit it… hypnosis is something I will have to let happen… the neurologist thinks the memories are their…. the stroke did hit a small area of the brain, was it enough to wipe out the memories… I don’t think so…

Letting the story go about a family dynamic that never existed is easier than I thought it would be… only time my phone rang and to this day it is true… when someone wanted to pick my brains, instead of paying for it… Mike can back that up… our kids are the only ones who call and don’t want something, most of the time… okay, they use my noggin too…

But the family part for me… never existed and wrapping my head around the abuse they did in the name of christianity… and the crimes they committed and still do… it is easy to let that world go… I never was a part of it and I let it play a part in my life to long…

What I find interesting… the emotional feelings I had before Levothyroxine are rearing their heads in my brain and soul… it’s nice to know, my family didn’t kill everything about me… just a tiny fraction and that part is almost alive and kicking… a little more time, it has only been 16 months since I remember…

The medical side, is more settled and understood… the medical diagnosis that makes sense and fits, helps… the mental part of this… going to take longer… our move throws a wrench into the mix… but it is necessary…

Right now the house is closed up and heater is on, it’s that chilly at sea level on Hawaii… So it’s quiet and peaceful… but I hate being closed up and the jack hammer will start-up in a while and the road noise will pick up… so the move is the right choice… now if we can decide on west or east Washington, land or existing home or possibly build a home… those choices will be made this year and those are stressful enough… as this is our final home… no more moves… unless nature makes us move…

I am happy with the progress… other than lack of consistent sleep… no complaints… Every morning is a surprise on the progress my brain and I are making… working together and not against each other… to bad Trump and christians can’t figure that one out… the truth they spout and the truth I spout… 2 different worlds and that is a fact…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and being told, never tell anyone…to late…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Levothyroxine, drug from hell….

1993, about 8 months before Mike & I got married… I was put on 0.01mg of Levothyroxine… only because of my numbers and fatigue… none of us knew about the stroke or brain injuries…

By the time Aug 2018 got here, I was reduced in dosage down to 2 dosages from being off the drug and that was when life turned into a living hell…

I started having real motor skill issues, we still did not have the stroke MRI… I was having lots of issues with articulating…. I was having lots of round robin headaches…. I was having lots of paranoia…. I was having lots of stomach and Gerd and tachycardia problems…. I was losing weight and not trying…. there are more symptoms but you get what I mean…

About a decade ago, I remember reading a neurology paper about head trauma and thyroid glands and other things in the head being impacted and if not aware of TBI, being on thyroid medication can kill you… it pushed me close to that line… those cliffs at the end of the street looked real good about Dec 2018…

Once I got the MRI on 12/26/18 and the subsequent MRA a couple of weeks later and knew I had no brain issues that would cause the problems I was having… I quit Levothyroxine…

7 weeks later and I feel so much better….

Paranoia… gone…

Fine Motor Skill issues… gone…

Round robin headaches… gone…

Double vision… gone and my other eye, is a cataract…

Severe depression… gone… stroke depression is still there…

Now I have gained weight and I expected it… but I am doing PT and exercising at home… made it 7 mins on the elliptical with 5 pounds of weights on each ankle and 2 pound weights on each wrist… plus doing all the PT stuff they taught me… I can see a change in my balance, dizzy, strength and agility…. Now if only sleep was happening… Maybe after we move…

I had read that Levothyroxine complaints from many other people and mostly women…

It is a drug designed to control women and nothing about it is beneficial… It made my life a living hell for 26 years…. and I will  never take it again…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always in pain…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Story book comes to a close….

I remember… and oh how I wish I didn’t…  instead, just walked through life tortured over the unknown… but at least thinking I had a family…

Things to remember… and that is slowing the progress on this road of remembering… for one simple reason….

I don’t want to close the story book on the family life I never had with a family that did all they could to destroy… 

That destruction of a small soul, who’s only desire, survive, because of her light…

I have been assaulted by the religious, primarily christians… and lately it is a reminder of when as a small child I was told to lie about my injuries…

Yet I don’t want to close that story book of make-believe family I never had… but my body wears to many scars that show their true feeling for a little girl…

I accept those scars… I accept that the story book must close for me to move on and live my life… I accept I have to close the story book that never was…

I have been fortunate to walk both sides of this path called life… and it is time I close the story book about a life, that never was… called…Family…

it’s time to find me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and when she became weary at 8 years old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Home… Safe & Sound???

At one time, what face book did, to censor me, would have set me off and it would have been a day or two of bitching….

My previous post and what I put back on face book took all of about 30 minutes… weather interrupted the signal…

Paranoia, I knew before I started Levothyroxine, I didn’t have paranoia like I have for the last couple of decades… Who knew 1 tiny little man-made drug could take so much???

Never again… even with the weight gain, which I expected and exercise will control that… but I will never take thyroid medication again…

By doctors not listening to me for the last few decades, I had to figure it out… 

It will take a few months to get my body back on an even footing with diet, exercise and no medication… but I am doing all the right things and the brain is very clear and no confusion…

Well, not 100% clear… Big Island opened its first medical marijuana store and we got some… it’s good… did great with the pain until PT turned on my left leg… but that is expected with what they are trying to accomplish… PT that is not the pot store…

I also notice the chemical change in the brain and the thought process, still goes in directions I don’t appreciate, but I turn it off and it gets back to business…. I address what ever it is…

As for depression… the level is what I would call mild… what I have felt since Big Springs, Texas… so I think that means that the stroke is the cause of the depression and it is physical,  not psychological… because honest, I’m not depressed… but my brain says I am… so there goes the battle of the Margie and Maggi issue….

It’s part of my life and has been now,  jeez,  going on 42 years, don’t think anything is going to change now…

There are other nuances of brain chemical changes… and I will seek more help, after we get moved home and settled… hypnosis is the way I think I will get the memories back that I am blocking… I know they are there, it’s just opening them… maybe a trigger will come along… it’s going to be a stressful year…. anything could happen…

As I finish, the reason I sat down to write, because of FB blocking my post… and I had forgotten that, until I thought, why am I writing??? yep good weed…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always being yelled at…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Face Book Censorship… wow #MeToo #WhyIDidntTell #TimesUp

img_0531.jpg

Face book censored me… now why would they do that… think I got under someones skin???

Why is it they can put sadistic crap out there with graphic art and I put an honest to god statement… like how I snuck that in there…

Regardless… I have said it for a while… FB is not American, they are as russian as you get and when an American Veteran can not use their first amendment rights but people can act like ass’s when Kavanaugh got put in the supreme court…

I have said it before… men in power protecting men in power and the stupid women that follow them… must like having that lead through their nose…

Either way… FB is censoring free speech….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…. because of people like Zuckerberg…

I Remember… Margie and world free of religious hate… against atheist… what are they afraid of???

Sgt. USAF DAV

Change happens….

Change, it happens, to all of us… including those that take the psycho path road… now a fly on the wall of those brains would be more than just eye-opening…

I can continue to butt my head against that brick wall or I can change… not on the cellular level… just in my thought process…

Every person I walk past, will never know the hell I lived my first 18 years on this earth or the hell I lived for 64 years trying to get answers…

No, every person I walk past will not imprint on me, nor I on them… we all have our own lives and frankly, taking time out of yours for someone elses… has its challenges and rewards… but mostly we are all wrapped up in our own little worlds… 

No one is going to change for me and I have no desire to change for anyone else, so stalemate…

There are things I want out of my next few decades of life and if I am not willing to compromise my desires… not give them up, just compromise… I will never know if those desires are achievable…

I can not expect anyone to change, just because I found out Dec 26, 2018 I suffered a stroke at 13 years of age… 50 years ago I had a stroke and I never knew… until last summer and if you read the blog, you know why I say this, I was down by surgeons orders and that is when I discovered how weak my left side was, 6 months later and 2 MRI’s, we know my memory of Big Springs, Texas and death are accurate…

It’s a lot for me to digest, accept into who I am and acknowledge the crimes done against me… It’s a lot to integrate into my waking mind…

Our move in a few months will be a profound change and interesting journey… sad so many will never get to participate…

All because they could not change…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before she changed…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Come on sunshine…

Not my first time living on an island… but, it is my first time with nearly 2 straight years of rain and not much sun… even when the lava flow was happening and we had unstable weather created by the eruption… it stayed wet… not sure I am going to miss this part of my Hawaii experience…

We have met some very nice people and some not so nice…  we experienced bigotry and we experienced acceptance, and that is an experience we will greet, no matter the place we live… it’s humans, being human… maybe someday we will all be enlightened… 

The day is gloomy but it started with laughter… that seems to be the norm any more… no cranky, bitchy mornings… just happy I woke up…

We have company coming in a few weeks… we intend to go out and explore the island and take lots of pictures and video… perfect time before hurricane season and it getting hot… our UV is usually at 12 by May, so you burn quickly…

As we have no more request for visiting… we are going to start the break down process and packing… hoping to get the house on the market by June… oh the time will flash by as if going over Niagra falls…. so much to do, it makes me wonder how I will physically and mentally deal with the stress… should be a good test of how far I have come, since waking up… 16 months on March 7th… I got my memories back… what a ride…

Waiting for that aha moment on how to start the book…. so much research still left to get done and now a move in less than 6 months… wow… we want to look at the west coast of Washington state… we might get lucky and find what we want on water in our price range, but I have my doubts… I got a feeling it will be the east side of the state… time will tell…

Trying to get my hormones in line with my desires and the hand away from the mouth… so lots of healthy food in the house and no junk…. elliptical… made it 6 1/2 minutes non stop… It is so obvious I had a stroke, but never recognized it until last summer… that is how much a TBI can take from you… 50 years of memories and it took a shooter in Sutherland springs, Texas to trigger my repressed memories… 26 people died and I woke up… still gives me chicken skin as they say here on Hawaii…

Much to do this day… we may have more reliable internet, but it really does not work much better than dial-up… so do not miss those days… but it is better than what we had…

I still marvel at the brain changes, since the memories came back… I lived a hell, not of my making and all mom and sister had to do… tell me… I will never understand christians… they are the biggest bullies on the block and the worst criminals… and we allow it…. just wow… I do hope the remainder of their days on earth are exactly what they deserve… Even I can not wish what happened to me on anyone, including them… I am just a human that was in the wrong place at the wrong time….

Not anymore….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her desire to escape to her world…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Freaky medical side…

Knowing about the peripheral and autonomic neuropathy gives me great peace of mind… lots of decades and no right answers until that neurologist did the tests…

But there are some symptoms that happen and totally take me by surprise, even though I have had them since the Texas beating and death… one of those symptoms, tremors…

Noticed hand tremors as far back as 14 years old… can’t say if before… 

Happened while I was fixing dinner, which is burning as I write…

It’s just sometimes the medical side of the domestic violence leaves me in aww… 

Just that simple…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidintTell

I Remember… Margie, before the tremors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

“IT”, begs the question…

If alien life existed off planet and had inter-stellar capability…. Why would they come to earth???

Hubby replied… “A Laugh”….  and they got one…

They convinced a planet of people, they could not survive without a god???

Now granted they didn’t stand a chance against primitive man… his main goal, survive, not evolve… though according to science they were smarter than previously thought, and my DNA is full of Neanderthal…

But how did the aliens get the last laugh… planting the seed of religion and taking away individuality and stealing your soul to power their inter galactic engines….  I mean….  Really???

We are born into this world atheist… no bias, no hate, no love, no fear, no guilt….

But because our parents or guardians are 100 % screwed up, they want the kids to follow suit…

Imagine the world we would live in, if we just taught the lesson of right and wrong and equality for everyone and everything living on this planet…

Well that pipe dream may or may not happen some day… More and more kids are walking away from religion, as they explore what it means to be an individual and owning their lives…

When you are religious… you do what you want and your god will forgive you… not much logic or reason in that thought… just pure evil…

Thus why so many work so hard to silence the voices of the atheist… I saw death, it’s just darkness and silence, it’s just another step in the journey of life and death…. I was born atheist and I will die again someday as a atheist…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who walked the other side of life… in death…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Margie & Maggi playing brain limbo…

Pushing myself to look at the repressed memories in different ways is not as easy as it sounds… It takes focus, a lot like meditation and getting that quiet around here, just isn’t happening…

That did really make our decision about moving… my need for quiet so I can finish this journey I started Nov 7, 2017…

So many behavioral things are being recognized… How as a young teenager I adapted, to survive… and as a young adult, the life I led, probably would  not have happened, if not for the brain injury from stroke and brain bleed… that action altered my thought process for about 30 years and from what I have read, it is perfectly normal… but I still blush over the life I got to have, what an action packed fun-filled ride… no regrets…

Nuances of how I look at stress and life in general, I see more how I came to make those choices… Honestly this memory ability spooks me to no end, because my brain will actually go to a day, 50 years ago, as if it happened 30 seconds ago and relive that moment in time… talk about out-of-body experience… something like, “I see dead people” type of de ja vu…

The brain chemistry will continue to evolve…  I can tell one thing… I won’t be the one making adjustments for other people… want to be in my world… you have to adjust to mine… I am over being what I never was, because of several brain injuries…

The last 16 years have shown me that… Mike and I do not go out of our way to make friends, get to know neighbors… we are actually very solitary people and we like it that way… why we are moving home… good question… quiet, land and my ability to travel to the scenes of the crimes… and much more…

Did you know bi-polar is split personality??? Have lived these last 50 years with no knowledge of the past, it was a game that went on in my head, until Nov 7, 2017… when I remembered….

So much accomplished in that short time… getting the medical answers, which really do make a world of difference with how I deal with so much physical non stop pain… knowing about the PTSD and why the nightmares… all of this has helped me get to the end of the road I am walking… the light within reach…

Still more to do… wish hubby did know as much psychology and brain chemistry as me… but I bring things up and it makes me stay honest and true to the course of recovery, he may not understand the in-depth part of psychology, but my verbalizing, makes it stay honest… because if I slip up, he will catch it…stupid he is not…

So the mental health part of this, is interesting and lesson on top of lesson… a lot to adjust too in such a short time… always footsteps forward and some sliding back…

That is just the facts of life… I hope I put an end to the censorship on my FB feed, I care about the person, but they are not respecting my 1st Amendment rights, because they are christian… big time sigh on that mental illness….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie as she slipped away into darkness for 50 years…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Locking the door on Margie’s cell…

I could tell when it was happening… I had already disassociated myself with my home life years earlier and when the stroke and near death happened at 13, there wasn’t much of Margie left… though I have heard that my behavior stayed consistent….

Margie couldn’t cope… every time the TV got turned on, it was more of a twilight zone experience and it molded Maggi into the TV viewer she is today… Science, National Geographic, Smithsonian… anything but the kind of TV that got her beat….

When the boob incident happened… as soon as she could, Margie had a reduction done… didn’t need the surgery… it all went back to the incident at 8 years old… that beating over her sisters boobs, scared her for life…

When the new baby was born, not of my dad’s blood… the stroke and near death Margie experienced, influenced her behavior for the next 25 years and I blush over some of that behavior today…. and I learned to hate a state that let my parents get away with murder…

Japan rolls around and the mouth rules supreme and the 2 inch belt did it’s worse… I wasn’t aware of the hazardous position I was in, nearly dying again… but it bought all of us kids some peace until Okinawa… so my near death, gave us 3 years of semi peace….

Okinawa and the marines… the blow that took so much and was the final straw for Margie as she handed me the key to her cell and walked in and closed the door…

The christians had won… they couldn’t control her soul… so they sucked her childhood out of her… and left the shell I call Margie…

Without our past, we have no future… Orphans only want to belong…

I just want to remember…. before the christians die!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the day she closed her cell door…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Why are christians trying to silence my voice???

Christians have no problem pushing their ideology upon anyone and everyone and they wonder why we have wars!!!

I use face book as a tool to rant, not interested in other people’s opinions or thoughts when I post on my feed…

Last few days I have ranted about christians, nothing new there… Baptist church and 700 victims… American Cardinal and hundreds of victims…. throw myself and a few million more… you got lots of victims…

But every time I rant about it on face book this person sends warm fuzzy bull shit via emojis!!!???

I just let out the biggest of sighs…

Why are christians always trying to silence my voice???  Are they that unsure of their god and faith… or is it because nothing good has come of their faith in a human born on this planet and they just can’t accept they got hood winked???

Thing is, I am not going on this persons FB page and making comments… I am venting on my page, so why the behavior modification bull shit???

I will never have any love loss for any religion or faith or gods… I am not delusional…

But christians sure keep trying to silence my voice…. what are they so afraid of??? Death??? Been there done that!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who once was brainwashed by mans god, that turned out to be a man…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Repressed memories…

Stress always seems to have a negative impact on the dreams…  they make them like a fun house of mirrors…

As for the repressed memories… the fact I remember what I dreamed, tells me it is likely a memory… Is it a new memory, I can’t tell that… I know from experience it could take many nights for me to know what I am seeing…

When sister told me about dumping me off the top bunk for a while, in the middle of the night… I had nightmares about falling… once I knew the reason for the nightmare, it quit…

Same goes for the “Boob beating” and the “Japan beating”… once I remembered all of it, the nightmare left me alone and I have a hard time even recalling all of it now… seems once you face the devil, it slinks off into the night… at least for me it’s working that way… but I am not focusing on the memory either, so it may be a self-defense mechanism in place…

6 full weeks off Levothyroxine and I feel so much better… the worse that happens, my speech gets screwed up and it’s been like that since the Japan beating… so since I was at least 16 years old… man-made drugs, ugh!!!… Ringing in my ears still on going and it could be for so many reasons, that have nothing to do with the brain… just good ole genetics…

PT, holy crap… my left leg has hurt since that appointment, it even woke me up in the middle of the night, didn’t like my position I was in…  no pain, no gain… 

Realtor’s hired for selling and buying… this is going to be one busy year… and I will be forced to my lap top to do everything, once I pack up my big bertha monitor… hope eye surgery happens sooner than later…

It’s exciting times and it’s stressful… but nothing that isn’t manageable and been done before… just a repeat performance that I hope is for the last time…

So noisy here, roosters going off, sun shining and the birds are singing… looking forward to seeing deer walk past my window when I write or an eagle… no more roosters…

TimesUp #MeToo  WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who love snuggling under the covers…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Maggi comes into the picture….

1971, Naha AFB, Okinawa… base housing… summer… my last year of high school fast approaching… I am leaving the house and dad makes a statement and I comment… uh, just a FYI, he didn’t like my comment… how do I know that…

Wellllllll it goes like this, open mouth, get hit upside said mouth, pick self up off floor 10 feet later, now you get it…

The marines, good friends, waiting for me at bowling alley, see my knees and face and are ready to kick some ass… I sent them on their way…

A few nights later at the snack bar in the PX… juke box playing in the background and one of the guys is telling me I need a different name… something other than Margie… and Rod Stewart belted out Maggi May… and the rest as you say is history…. oh that is a Maggi with NO “E”…

I thought maybe a new approach to the diary thing… tell it from Maggi’s point of view…

Maggi came on the scene after the final blow to Margie’s head… the blow that took so much of her childhood…

The only people on this earth that call me Margie, my birth family and they don’t talk to me at all, now that I remember… lol…

So much turmoil, hiring realtors, figuring out our next move and the smartest and most economical way to do it… I figure, maybe if I look at the memories as a 2nd person type of thing and see if I can’t get some memories to come forward during all this turmoil that will go on for the next 12 months… 

Margie is going to sit back and critique Maggi’s memories… maybe between the two, I will get some good aha moments… if not… I’ll address that when it happens…

This may or may not work, we’ll have to see what I write… looking at things from a different perspective never hurts…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before she became Maggi….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Hawaii Life… should be fun…

My dear friend is retiring from realty so we got our daughter involved with the real estate for home….

I just hired Hawaii Life real estate to do the sell of ours… If you ever watch HGTV show Hawaii Life, that is the realty company I am using…

Email this morning from the lawyer closed the deal on our next move and packing and getting ready to leave… we think company will come before we sell… 

Once we have everything in order… we will head for the nearest travel trailer place and get our temporary home on wheels, while this house gets sold… it should go fast, our last house sold 1 hour after it hit the market… do not expect that for this house, but it should go in a couple of weeks… and we will be traveling to Washington for the holidays…

Well there goes the dental work… hope they get the eyes taken care of before we move… doing things in a timely manner, not the VA’s strong suit…

Jack hammer on the acre behind us, been a loud noisy day, they finally quit… hope they are done… so much noise here, but most people would not notice… the psychology says it goes with the TBI, stroke and PTSD… all one web of issues with noise… 

Went out and looked at the blooming trees we planted when we moved here, grapefruit is the one we are anxious for…. this part of Hawaii I will miss… 

Now that we know how fast this is going to happen, that river of time, just became the rapids of time… hubby will keep a smile on our face… wink wink…

One more adventure and lots to do…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves adventures….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Time flows like a river….

Even when I have been beyond miserable in life, time did not flow like it should…

I get lost in time… I escape to my world, they say you can even do that when you are driving… clocked many miles…

Meditation is so important in this process and getting quiet and no interruptions is not happening… so much noise around us, due to construction… so much loss from the volcano, now being restored…

We have gone around in circles about our next course of action and while we talked we could hear the jack hammer breaking up lava rock in the back ground… and we both said, quiet…

So we are plotting our next adventure and some of it will be stressful and some of it will be fun and the dogs will not like seeing the dog crates come out again… came here with 4, leaving with 2…

Time flows to quickly for me, it always has, even as a child… because of my quiet world I could escape too… not so much while living here on Hawaii… the noise is helping us make our decision…

It would be so fun to be home for the holidays this year…. and in our final home…

PT is working my left leg… its real obvious that it was impacted by the stroke, so many decades ago… and I still marvel I made it through the military for 5 1/2 years… passing every PT back in the day…

This will be a fast year in time… it will be one that will go quickly and have many memories made in the process….

Our next adventure awaits… just waiting on time….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who could get lost in time…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The survival mode…

Weird the thoughts that come to mind… I was just thinking how I nurtured my observation skills, all because of domestic violence and the memory of said violence all the way back to one year old… wow… 64 years of memory and the violence takes up a lot of my time at this moment in time…

It’s not because I have a high functioning memory ability… It’s because I was abused and had no defense… I watched and most of all I listened… 

All these decades my brain has been in watch and see mode and when asked for advice by the kids or grand kids and they in turn jump down my throat over said advice… I with draw and have no desire to participate again and if I know my pattern of behavior… I won’t participate again in their lives… I will just sit back and observe…

It all goes back to survival and knowing nothing but abuse my first 17 years on this planet and most of all not having memory of that time period or those 17 years… made some behavior in my life tattooed on my soul and though I have seen a slight behavior change on my part, I do not expect me to roll back my behavior once I am attacked… it’s on the person who did the attacking to grow up and own it… not me… they threw the blow, they have to own the blow…

So it makes for an interesting look at life… yesterday’s phone call changed everything I had been thinking or planning… it threw it out the window the minute the lawyer started talking… things will happen that fast on our end and it begs the question…

Where do I want to commit to living the last years of my life??? So I keep asking hubby… “What are we going to do???”…. and he just goes… “Ummmmmmm”…. 

I told Mike it felt like a Cinderella story, evil mother and sisters… world out to get ya, secrets that were kept, that were never secret… the center does not hold for the corrupt of heart that started this journey for me… mom and dad…. christians…

It brings me full circle as to what do I really want to do now… Now that the financial constraints are gone… what do I want to do now… an I listen to the noise outside my window and I know… I need quiet and solitude…

We have company coming this year… we told everyone, if you want to see Hawaii, you got until October and we are packing up…. and finishing our work we started… and if all goes well, we will have the house on the market in Feb of next year and we will be back on the mainland by May and the next adventure will start…

It still begs the question… where do we go next and what is the next adventure… It has been 6 weeks since I quit the Levothyroxine… it’s nice to feel the old me again without all the paranoia and tightness one little hormone did to my brain for 27 years… like quitting cigarettes or booze… I don’t miss it and wonder how I survived it… a man-made drug… men in power controlling the rest of us…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her love for life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Phone call changes everything…

Call out of the blue from my lawyer, not the news I expected or hoped for… but news all the same and it will impact our world… or at least my world…

Next few months will be busy with us, finishing up the work we started on the house… now we are getting into a schedule of events and a time-table that will be followed… Schedules… things always go wrong at some time in schedules…

When guess-work is taken out of the equation… action can take its place… my hope, this time next year…

We are sitting on lots of land, peace and quiet and I am getting some real work done, either on me or the story…

You may find me on the big front porch just rocking the rest of my days away… in peace and quiet… sounds so lovely… and the dogs start barking… go figure…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved running barefoot in the meadow…

Sgt USAF DAV

Wanting results and getting questions instead…

How I had hoped this was a medical issue that could be dealt with and expectations and concerns gone…

No… this has to be all about the psychological side of domestic violence, repressed memories, depression and PTSD… naturally I get the easy road of figuring it all out, because mental health, let me down repeatedly and if I use them again, it’s only to go the hypnosis route…

Neurology said I could get my memories back… pushing myself to look at the first 19 years and leave everything else out of the thought process, didn’t do much for me…

Had some weird dreams, no clue if they are memories… and that just made for a few days of depression that I caused, by focusing on those years… yep I did stupid…

If I have this high functioning memory ability, it doesn’t work like it should… and I come back to the one thing I can not change…

I have only had my memories back come March 7th… 15 months… and in that time I got the physical side answered and now know the truth about my physical limitations and those I am working on…

As for the memory part… holy crap on a cracker… I am dealing with people, who believe a man was born a god on planet earth and they did everything they could to sacrifice me for this god… and I am the one with brain injury… wow… double wow…!!!

Not a lot of time has passed, but a lot of information has come to light and most of it has been proven… thanks to the doctors here on Hawaii… and with help from the VA system… though I am still waiting since May of 2018 for dental surgery… timely, not so much… at least I know how to deal with the pain I live with daily, because of my mouth and knowing of all the blows to my head, explains a lot of the pain, so I deal, like I always have… I deal with the pain, because the VA system is an all knowing god entity… another wow on that one…  wonder how long they will make me wait to get my vision back… I haven’t driven a car in 7 months… yep that bad…

A woman veteran doesn’t seem to have much value in America and that is truly sad, but not surprising… Mike gets immediate care and he is my dependent…  just because he has CHAMPVA because of me… 

I think I just got a little depressed… so I am trying to just do what I can for the research, get on-line and order the stuff I couldn’t get before and start the fight for federal records… oh joy… learn this new software I am playing with and just keep at it…

The book is not going to happen over night and my adjusting to the reality I suffered a stroke at 13 and never got told… well my christmas present to me was a MRI on 12/26/2018… sister never did provide her proof… no more pain on that thought… betrayed because of fear… oh well… that’s life… 

I did find an interesting entry in my VA records about the rape counseling program… no mention of the rape by the lieutenants… I was asked about rape and started at the beginning, when I did that, I was dismissed, because I didn’t get to mention the rape in the military… that OCR program is going to be a gold mine for information about federal employees and their lack of training… said it for years, they are not working for veterans, they are working for a paycheck and benefits… that’s why I like the set up I have now…

Things to do, wet gloomy day so far… feels more like fall than spring…. an we plan to move back to a 4 season environment… we have got to be bat shit crazy!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves puppy dog tails…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 17 years old…

By now we are living on Okinawa… I have only a couple of memories of Japan and my first real boyfriend… Ssgt Dave Hansen… sweet guy…

But he got left behind on Japan and once we got into base housing at Naha, life got very interesting….

I could sleep like the dead and the sleep was not restful… High school was not challenging and I was very bored, but still graduated on time… 

I am leaving one morning to bowling league and make a comment as I leave the house and find myself deposited 10 feet across the room and realizing, my knees looked like raw hamburger… damn, that makes twice with the knees already!!!

As I picked myself up off the floor, mom told dad he should not have done that… she knew all I had to do, call the cops… I was considered an adult on the base at 17… hitting me was not a smart thing for the man to do, but he had more fear and anger in his heart than he had love…

I left the house and as I walked to the bowling alley I was losing a memory with every step…

The brain could take no more… all the abuse from birth to this last final blow any human gave me… took my first 17 years of life and impacted my memory ability up to the age of 19… remember I flunked the AF entrance exam and passed it with my choice of job the next time…

Dear diary… as I walked away from that house on Naha… Mom did not know, that last blow took my childhood and a couple of years of my adult life… and the next 46 years would be one hell of a lesson about life, truth and christians…

Dear diary, I still do not know what I did to any of those people or why some still think it is okay to keep quiet about what happened…

I hear the rain cascade down from the sky and clap of thunder and think, that is how my soul feels… 

I never laid a hand or mouth of hate like mom and dad did to me… dear diary it is a dark place I must go… the sea of faces in my nightmares the screaming and yelling voices I silenced for so long… have come back to rock me to sleep at night…

I know diary, If I can write the story… the rest of it will continue to be one big adventure… still so much to see and understand, if anything about violence is understandable… none of this will happen fast… as with the slow moving storm above me, so too my soul must make the same journey… I just hope the decades have taught me enough…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who could never stay mad at you…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Anger Wins….

We have new neighbors up the street… and we have seen and heard things that are not nice… thankfully no children live there, just adults… still no excuse…

Some of the hateful words the woman uses are familiar,  nothing new in those words, meaning and anger still the same, just different vocal chords…

Hubby went for a walk and says the truck lost the battle over this issue… it was a very nice truck too, but it doesn’t look like that now… all because, someone got angry…

Couple pups also have died, because they got in the street… not the best of neighbors… but you will have them in million dollar neighborhoods and you will have them in middle class…

The yelling we can hear at our house has made writing an unpleasant task…

Just brings me full circle as to why the move is so important… 

Bigger house, more land, quieter living environment and a view…

Dogs barking at someone walking by… someone came to close and the big boy did not like it and let him know… lots of traffic and barking… yep, this move is important…

Now if we can just pin down where… we know when… just need to know where…

Hope the anger down the street does not end in a bad way… but rarely does good come from it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated hearing mom & dad fight…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear diary I am around 15 years old… and oh so very tired…

Dear diary, I always thought that illness on Japan had been the flu, until I got the flu 20 years later when I was an adult on Japan…

I remember the beating and I remember pissing mommy off with something I said… just remember… if you can’t shut them up… you take their memories… and mommy did…

The first blow was all I remembered… being very sick for a long time was the next memory… that ugly orange poncho was made and I hate orange to this day…

Being left on the base to walk the mile down a dark, snow-covered road… being yelled at… being locked in a closet…

Cruelty by mommy and sister were not new… daddy’s indifference was lasting…

School was hard… I fell asleep in study hall on many occasions and would wake, unable to move, but my brain was awake… that symptom started after the Japan beating and lasted till I was in my 40’s…

It got quiet in the house, they nearly killed me and dead, meant no military retirement and security… so a religious act they put on, that did not last….

Memories made in the home, not so much… I lived detached and in my books… always looking for that escape from hell…

We moved into base housing… by Dec 1970 we had been sent to Okinawa…. which would be the last time any human on this planet raised a hand to cause me physical harm by beating me…

Dear diary… I have so few memories… only 1 birthday… my 16th… only 1 christmas and I was about 11…. so much taken by christians who could not control the truth, so they tried beating it out of me… and the Air Force helped to cover it up… the last blow, changed everything…  for now we are in a hotel at Kadena, waiting for base housing… an interesting experience and memories…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the high school dance at Kubasaki, while living in a hotel…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Tallying the score card…

Tallying the score card is real… For decades I told sister about how I thought all my issues were because of mom and dad… and she was silent as the grave… and still is…

Now that I know the truth, I can tally the record… in a way, it makes it possible for me to deal with the physical pain not of my doing…

I have been working on the OCR program, getting everything converted and been playing my game… both actions impact my right hand little finger… the finger that looks broken in one of the pictures I shared… as well as the wrist…

Because that finger never healed right, it’s letting me know now how unhappy it is… and it has made me think I will have to go with Dragon software and dictate, instead of type… exploring the options for a choice made for me 59 years ago…

When something else hurts or aches or stings or zings or zangs… understanding the cause of the pain, does make it tolerable… the ones I caused, those injuries… I just remind myself to look both ways… the injuries caused by others… 

Once I recognized the perpetrator, I file that memory away and when the pain comes again, it gets catalog as a nuisance and no other thought given to it… taking the power away from the beater and giving the power back to me…

Lots of tallying to do and as time goes by, my incidental pain will be a question as to what did I walk into or when did I forget to duck… making the tally a thing of the past… and my once in a while bumps and bruises… a sign of aging… maybe by that time I will own the past and it not own me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who used to love carnivals before she was 8…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Moments stolen by one beating…

For the longest time I could not figure out why I was not able to do certain things…

Such as… 

1… Let my grand kids comb my hair….

2… Get on my hands and knees and play with my kids or grand kids….

My scalp has been tender since the “TV host interview beating”…. around age 6… this also tells me of another memory before that beating and mommy hit me upside my head with a hair brush…. as other memories come forward… my head was used as a bull’s eye for abuse for the first 6 years of life and a target after that age…

As for getting on my hands and knees… The picture taken after the same beating around age 6 with a yard stick… my knees are badly swollen in that picture…

By the time I went active duty in 77, which is about 17 years after the beating… I had cortisone injected in the left knee when I got to Vance AFB… so I already showed signs of arthritis by the time I was 23….

To this day, I can not get on my knees without padding and If I do push ups and use my knees on the floor, I am so screwed for about a week of pain and issues with those knees…

The PT kid did an electronic pulse thing on my knee last week and it’s letting me know it’s there after being on the elliptical…

I am pushing myself to accept, every time I have a physical issue, look at it and go back to when the issue was caused… most are directly related to domestic violence and all before the age of 18… 

I can count on one hand the issues related to just living life and injuries I received when saving a life or when I did stupid, when drunk and always to myself… gave up that liquid gold a few years back and do not miss it… but my injuries as an adult… I can count on one hand…

So much of my life experiences stolen because of one beating at age 6… all because I told the truth… not the christian truth, which is always a lie…

Just honest words that did not hide the truth…

so much stolen, because of honesty…

too bad christians will never know what truth and light really are… they worship a human god… Jeez, I just threw up in my mouth… time for a bowl…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was lied to about god…. he was born human and human is what he died as… a fake news god…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear diary 13 is the age but almost 14…

Mom started crying and I had never seen mom shed tears… Her mother, a woman I never met, had just died and mom wanted to be with her mother again… the same woman who abandoned her to an orphanage…

Dear diary, I was so angry with this memory… I am covered from head to toe in bruises and was thinking, wait till they see me at school, bet the cops get called…

My next memory we are at aunt & uncles… I go to a base with Delilah, my body looking like Olive Oil, very skinny…

Dad left for Japan and we stayed in a dive for a month and had very little money… I babysit for a lady and took the money and bought groceries… instead of a thank you… mom just said I should have bought a whole chicken, they were cheaper….

When dad left for Japan, it had been my birthday and he promised me a gift when we got there…

We arrived, and I got my gift…

I said something that pissed off mom and sister and dad came in the house and got an ear full and he was removing his belt as he headed down that hall…

I remember the first blow and I was out… the stroke that took my life 12 months earlier, just caused a bleed on the brain and I was down for a long time and never saw a doctor… they kept me hidden away…

Sister and I never close, just an act of tolerance… every waking minute of every day, was not lived, it was walked in…

All of my childhood gone by now and not yet 15 years old and I had so few memories left…

I learned to take my memory ability and used it to protect me… Margie entered her cell and did not come out for 50 years…

Dear diary, what did Margie ever do to these christians….

Oh, my bad…

She told the truth… christian truth is nothing but lies…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who always knew the liars…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Our growing garden…

So many grow food on their own property, it is so expensive to buy in the store… Avocados can cost you $10 for just 2…. I average about $140 a month on just fresh vegetables and fruits…

We have blooming a producing, Lime, Avocado, Grapefruit and 3 pineapple at this moment…

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The fruit trees I bought when they were little, the avocado I grew from seed and the pineapple is from our plants last summer that gave us fruit and they produced again this year…

We tried other vegetables, you have such an issue with critters and fungus, it’s best left to those who do it on a regular basis and sell it at the local stores or farmers market…

Most of our food is brought in by ship… like any military person, I usually am able to survive if a natural disaster happens… I do not rely on my government… after Puerto Rico, I will never expect anything from them…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never liked soft apples…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Vivid nightmares….

It has been a while since I have had a vivid nightmare…. Not even when I was freaking out over the medical side of this journey, did I have nightmares like last night…

This was different… I was in the nightmare… Instead of me seeing the memory from a detached view…

Last night I was in the nightmare and I was living it… 

Can I remember much… the fact I remember being the center of that nightmare, that speaks volumes… It’s a memory coming back and one that I have no conscious memory of…

It’s a new memory…

This is where it gets rough, in terms of understanding what I see… I have to be sure that it is a real memory, and not a dream of my imagination… though I will be the first to admit… I don’t have that big of an imagination… I am too literal…

I woke up tired, but, I remembered… I remember being the center of the nightmare…

Maybe this diary outline is doing some good… I am not allowing myself to-day dream, instead, I am making myself stay in the time period of 1968 to 1954…. 14 years of my life, that are so very important to me… it’s putting back in place the lost limb I lost, because of brain injury…

I will just have to sit back and enjoy the magic carpet ride and see what comes of it or where it takes me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved watching Omaha’s Wild kingdom on Sunday night…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am 13 years old and the world changed forever…

No birthday celebration… I have no memory… only, mom went into labor on my birthday and the new baby was on its way…

Sometime the next morning a child was born…

Daddy working his military job and his part-time job at the bowling alley on base… trying to keep all us kids fed and clothed… now a new baby…

Tension in the house was great and many a night we heard the rumbling of words as we drifted off to sleep or woke up to the sounds of loud voices…

One night mommy started in on daddy… he was tired and the weight of so many on his shoulders was more than he wanted… Mommy wanted to escape, not the world she dreamed of and made up in her mind…

First it was words as daddy walked in the front door… by the time he had made it to their bedroom, she was enraged, she wanted a fight and she was going to get one…

First the slap and him swinging back… a thud against a wall, a muffled curse…. and another blow and another thud on the wall….

Two bedroom doors opened, mine and big brother… we stepped into that small hall and like all stupid people, jumped right in the middle of swinging fists and flailing bodies…

I heard screams and cries… I heard a baby in the back ground…. I heard brother being beaten on and turn to help him and I am knocked against a wall… all 60 or so pounds of me as I slumped to the floor, feeling the blows of a mad man on my little body…. and darkness…

Sweet darkness… silence so golden I could hear my last breath escape my lips….

My next memory… Mommy is being told her mother has passed away, this is June 1968… 10 months after the new baby had been born and daddy had orders to go to Japan… a scandal had happened that night in Big Springs, Texas…

Life just got very interesting… what happened to those 10 months???

I am hoping for bad dreams….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… before the lights went out…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Avoiding my task…

Been trying to figure out an easy out for all those medical records and comparing and looking at them and researching…

So I bought AbbyFine reader… a program I owned before…

Figure get all the stuff converted, so that it’s searchable and at least for the book, the evidence will be easy to reference…. it’s all digital already, just need to make it useable…

Thunder in the background… pouring rain off and on… took a nap in the recliner…

Avoiding my task and writing the diary entry for Big Springs, Texas…

I think I hear dinner calling me to get made…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who once hated loud noises…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Science labeled me as well as Trumps base??? You really can not fix stupid…

Because I have tachycardia…. science says I have heart disease???

Because I have a stroke on the brain and bleed…. science says I have mental illness???

Because I have an abnormal brain wave or maybe two abnormal waves… I have mental illness???

Because I have physical limitations I have a disability… so says humans???

Wow… holy crap on a cracker type I could have had a V8 moment….

Because science and humans made labels…. I am supposed to wear one… REALLY???

WHY???

I had 2 children and was told not to have kids, though they did not know why I shouldn’t have kids…

I went into the U.S. Air Force and basic training 2 months after I gave birth and had appendectomy and less than 10 years after having a stroke… I passed basic… I served active duty for 5 1/2 years… same physical limitations I live with this very minute and abnormal brain waves… and the tachycardia had been going on for at least 10 years… but I served my country

But because of science and humanity, I must wear a label…

WHY???

I took flying lessons and took off and landed an airplane…. I worked a federal job from 1971 to 1996 and continued a civilian job after that time for a couple of years…

And now I am supposed to wear a label, because the college educated got it wrong and most of all because I don’t believe in god???

WHY???

Because you said so??? Now that is true mental illness…

My label… Human… A human that took what life gave her and ran with it and instead of letting YOU put a label on me and restrict what I can or can not do in life based on your fears…

It looks to me, like I lived mine…. It looks to me, like I owned mine… It looks to me… like I defined my life… by living it…

Not by your labels…. but by my living life… and owning it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I remember… Margie who never let anyone tell her who she is…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Waiting for that shoe to drop…

The next diary entry takes me into the land of death and birth…. still thinking how to approach that entry or outline… it’s dark and ugly…

Mood, the Levothyroxine is officially out of my body and I feel good… compared to 27 years of hell… this is good… instead of doing the irrational… doing the common sense… not getting much sleep, but we are getting lots of rain and that means lots of stuff blooming and congestion at night… it too will pass, maybe…

Hard to believe one tiny man-made drug could destroy so much, but it did and from my point of view, it took 27 years of my life with it… depression, paranoia, top that off with how it impacted my already damaged body… yep 27 years of living hell…

Other than fatigue, which goes hand in hand with my two neuropathy determinations… I can live with the fatigue, but not the thyroid drug…

Weight gain, was about 10 pounds and that was with a healthy dose of valentines candy… which is gone… so back to our healthy diet, if it’s not cooked we have fruit…

PT is on track and my body tells me it is gaining in strength… now to build endurance…

Mentally, very good… I can tell when the area of my brain-damaged by stroke wants to do depression, it’s recognizable and controllable… and it’s all physical, not emotional… like the thyroid drug made it…

We installed security cameras and now if I want to get even with a banger… just take the video off the camera, which has sound and plaster it on the internet… it may or may not impact their lives some day… better than wasting the cops time trying to bust these dumb ass’s who are breaking the laws for disturbing the peace… thus why the move is important…

We now have a saying when I ask this question??? Why are we moving….

  1. Privacy, so more land, around 20 acres or so…
  2. Peace and quiet, thus the land….
  3. Bigger house….
  4. View….

That is the reason we are moving… as to when that will happen…

When I am ready… I am getting there….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knows as many secrets as priests do, her secrets involve rape too…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Working the nightmares…

It’s reasonably obvious to me, I avoid what I don’t like and my PTSD nightmares are no different…

Last night was a doozy!!! and I mean it was good… it still playing in my head hours later…

Did I understand it… no… It may just be a nightmare and it may be a memory… It will take time for it to go one way or the other…

I figured if I made myself do the diary as close to the time-table as I could get, maybe it would jar some memories… if last night is an indicator… maybe I will get something out of this new…

So between the physical exercise… maybe this mental exercise of the diary entry will do me a little good…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who always asked questions…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 12 years old…

Dear diary, I remember this was when I got to start babysitting….

I tried my hand one time at making cookies in moms kitchen, too much salt…

I remember after the boob incident things quieted down and excitement was building…

I spent a week with a family in Florida and was raped… he was a SSgt in the Air Force…

Mom and dad came to get me, I never spoke of the rape….

Dad leaves for Vietnam, mom sells our trailer and we move to Bonita… mom’s boyfriend lives in the area… Auntie knew… everyone knew…

I was molested again… Sister was not nice, in fact we had no relationship….

Mom has a breakdown, more like a panic attack and makes it out to be more serious than it was… she was pregnant and dad was in Vietnam…

I spent my time between the house and the farm… always welcomed around aunt Neece…

Dad was brought back from Vietnam…. and we were moved to Big Springs, Texas…

We lived in a craftsman style home with a big cement porch, wood floors that always gave splinters… kitchen off to the right, living room on the left…. I won a dozen roses for mothers day, off the radio station…

Mom getting big and fat from her lovers baby… dad knew… but he loved her… but he knew…

Dear diary… by this time I had been baptised twice, thinking I must be an awful child for being raped a couple of times and all the beating mommy dished out and dad’s contributions…

My last memory before I died… mom asking me this question… all my siblings around the table eating dinner, she asked why they had to get married and I pipped up and said, “because you got pregnant with me”… and she yelled back… “do you want to get slapped”… my siblings giggling… I knew how to piss off the mommy….

Dear diary what comes next took so much including my light… all because of sex..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always a quick remark…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 8 years old…

The boob incident has happened and I have started the conflicting path of religion, because I was told I was an evil child… because I told the truth…

I was baptized by the Baptist a most corrupt and vile religion…. 

I was just starting puberty when the beating happened… that picture from the last diary entry… so much pain to the body, so much taken from the brain….

I cried in my pillow at night and prayed to the white mans god….

Another baby born into the house… another human to control….

One memory of christmas… and the mumps… President Kennedy dying… Playing outdoors, anything to keep me outside…

I flunked a grade… so angry over the beating and being abandoned by my daddy… Mommy not wanting him to know what she did this time… another secret that was never a secret… 2 adults beating on children and molding them into mini me’s….

A Halloween, with home-made goodies…

The base up the street and the swimming pool I lived at during the warm months… always escaping the house of horrors…

Memories of playing with other kids, memory of being raped… we are fast approaching the war and its impact on our household…

No good memories diary, not a happy home, but a very typical corrupt christian one…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who is finding peace….

Sgt. USAF DAV

The brain said no, I disagreed…

In 2017, one of our adult grand daughters came to Hawaii to check it out and see if this was a place she wanted to live… she went home 6 weeks later… Island living is not for everyone…

One of the moments in time when she was here that stuck in my brain… She asked me if I could do any of the braiding for hair and I replied no… now if I was a suspicious person, I would have thought, okay grandma, does not want to spend time with me…

4 months later I got my memories back…. and 6 months after that date, I knew I had suffered a stroke when I was a kid… 

Now I knew why doing braids was difficult for me…. It took both hands and it took abstract thinking… not something I am always good with…

Found that out, when the PT person had me do an exercise with my left and right arms… Right, no problem, left, the brain could not conceive quickly what the right had done… a figure 8 movement….

When at PT yesterday, he had me go through stuff that helped my right side of the brain connect more readily with the left side of my body… the side impacted by the stroke on the right side of my brain… a little progress and that is all I can hope for this long after the damage was done…

It is also my understanding, that because I was only 13 years old when the stroke happened and around 14 or 15 when the brain bleed happened… and I was so very active all my life, until the surgeon put me down for 6 straight months last year, is why I was able to go through life, until a road block got put in my way… last years surgery….

Still wrapping my head around the fact mommy is still living and so is sister and they are as silent as the grave…

Fear… what a way to live life… full of fear… I did for a while…

Than I Remembered…. I can do simple braids, but I have to focus on the task… all because of a stroke at 13, a lasting gift from my daddy….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves science….

Sgt. USAF DAV

PT…. working it….

Been at the PT for a month now… and slowly I am making progress….

My balance is terrible and for a person who could walk off the ground on 12 foot tall pylons and not fear falling off, this speaks volumes for what the result was from the stroke that happened a few years after that pylon memory…

It’s ironic, there were all kinds of indications that I had a terrible balance problem… no one put the injuries together to make a full picture…

It looks like I will be doing the whole 12 weeks the VA authorized… it’s obvious that there is some ability for the brain to pick up the connections that impact the left side weakness… it’s just going to take work…

It’s a ghost of a memory I have of rehab and how much I hated it… but it’s a ghost and not a memory I can count on…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… the dare-devil tomboy…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary today I am about 7 yrs old…

A chaotic memory or multiple moments in time…

Mommy had me go out into the cabbage field next to the trailer park and steal a cabbage… loved cabbage with miracle whip between 2 fresh soft pieces of bread…

I lost mommy’s necklace her daddy gave her and I remember dropping it behind the trailer…

I stayed out and played late one night and we got locked in a shed for an hour, funny I wasn’t claustrophobic…

I want to say this was the time the boob incident happened and I ended up with these bruises…

cropped-cropped-maggi6yr11.jpg

The placement of the trailer fits… the school was not in Alabama… and the school photographer was the one who put the head band on me to expose my bruised face…

I wish I had firm memory about this diary, but this memory has me perplexed… the photographer is what surprises me about the memory… I hate those type of head bands to this day, it makes my skull hurt… now I know why…

I never saw a picture with my two front teeth missing… Only pictures I found, showed trauma…

Dear diary why was I hated by mommy so much… 

Dear diary those big sad gray-green eyes… have never changed…

what did my mommy do???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who hates head bands….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Diary… pushing the limits…

I am trying to force myself to go where no man has gone before…echo…..echo……

Anyhow… It’s an easy pattern to fall back into and ignore the PTSD and put my interest and thoughts in another direction… Done it my whole life… self-preservation…

Not sure this idea will pan out, but I will continue to write in the diary outline, is what Mike calls it… I don’t remember any of my high school english class… 

So we will see where it takes me… My idea is to try to put the memories down like I have done the last 2 and see if I can keep them chronological and put down only those memories that play a part in the PTSD…

How do I know they play a part… all the memories are connected to some kind of violence…

The Neurologist thought I could remember the memories that I am missing… and I think he knew what he was talking about… I can see ghosts of memories, but I can not connect them together and I have to make sure that it’s a real memory and not a story from anyone in the family and not one I made up to survive….

I will only go up to about age 19… so far I am up to age 6…. we’ll see what today brings… it may bring nothing… or I may remember everything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and those dimples….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am 6 years old…

Mommy was already pregnant with my first full brother is my memory from this moment in time…

My birthday came about and mommy took sister and I to a children’s TV show taping….

Sister by now was a couple of feet taller than me, almost as tall as mommy…

Sister and I are sitting in the bleachers and the host comes over to ask some questions…

Well sister wanted nothing to do with that big old microphone in her face and she pushed against me as close as she could get, so I answered the mans questions… 

I don’t know what he asked, or what I said… I just know that after we got home…

That old fashion solid wood yard stick became the new weapon of choice and mommy did all she could to break it on my little body… just like she did the hair brush…

WHY

Covered in bruises from my ankles to my forehead… she taught me what christians thought about the truth… It was a lesson, I would not soon forget… all because mommy was embarrassed by her younger daughter who grew faster than she should have… and I simply told the truth…

Dear diary, I prayed to mommy’s god and all I got was blunt force trauma fractures through out my whole body and my little finger 58 years later is still as crooked as it is in this picture…

Dear diary… mommy lied to me about god….

Excerpt from Margies diary…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was taught to be honest by christians standards, like Trump….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary I am about 4 years old…

Dear diary, this memory has many moments in time… we are in a little tiny trailer and I think daddy is away hunting…

I remember playing with sister and getting stung by many bees… and I remember a man in another trailer that liked teasing me…

I remember one night sleeping I wake up screaming and see a figure that is not familiar to me… mommy quiets me down and I hear muffled voices… I would see that figure again 7 years later…

I remember daddy coming back from hunting and he had been injured…

I remember I learned to dislike strawberry ice cream and men with red hair…

Excerpt from Margies diary…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. who once believed in ghosts…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Dear Diary today I am 1…

 

Dear diary, today I am 1-year-old and learning to walk….

margie (4)

One day, I was inside and I stood up and started walking… I placed my hands on an object that reflected back my image and I giggled at seeing my reflection…

It was a TV…. and all of a sudden I felt something hit me from behind… not having much fat on my little body, the blow left its mark on my backside… and it left a mark on my soul….

I remember hearing screaming over the object that was used to hit me and I noticed a hair brush laying on the floor near me…

Even though I was screaming in pain from the blow of that old fashion hair brush….

Freda was more upset over the hair brush she broke on my backside….

I had just become self-aware…. and this was my first memory of violence…

I wonder what the next memory will be and when???

Excerpt from Margies Diary….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with piercing eyes…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression never left the house…

Sitting and playing one of my games, where I can let my brain wonder if it want’s and I am thinking about the depression and the fact that it never left, I just live with varying degrees of it…

My playing my game, tells me where I am at right now… I’m good, not down, not feeling low, not preoccupied, and I am playing my game, which is an activity I haven’t done much of lately…

I get that the stroke and the subsequent beatings took more than I know right now… and not knowing that information, when Freda & Peggy are living makes it hard not to go to the dark place they reside….

The more I acknowledge the depression and its varying degrees that I deal with, it does not win… but I think the more I understand my psychological make up, the better informed decision I can make, If I choose to seek mental health help in trying the hypnosis… The neurologist said there was a chance I could remember everything… I just may need some help…

Will I ever be free of depression, I can not answer that… I am still trying to understand a stroke I knew nothing about, that happened when I was 13 years old… and I remind myself I have only had my memories back 14 months…

It’s not like I can rip the band aid off and see the open wound… my reading of PTSD tells me I have to face it all and can’t skip out on the desert course either…

I have to give myself time to get on board with these dreams and memories… I have seen ghosts of them, just got to open Pandora’s box and let them fly….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to giggle….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression… Hormone related???

I know that depression has been with me for decades, nothing I can do about the childhood stuff… but when I questioned doctors about hormone replacement and thyroid medication, I got a mixed bag of responses…

Every day that goes by, and there is less synthetic drugs in my system, I can feel the change and I can feel the depression relaxing back into a pattern that would go hand in hand with a stroke or TBI’s…

Hormones play a big part in the way you process information and most of all your emotional status… boy did they have a strangle hold on me…

I am beginning to believe that most of my severe depression that I have been dealing with since the hysterectomy, is because no one got it right about what I should have been replacing my hormones with…

When I read about people who had a TBI due to a car accident or a combat injury, we have similarities, but that is about it… Which may be why some people will turn to a religion and others will turn to violence and others like me, work it out and look for that self-reliance we were born with…. except mine got lost along the way, because of religion… I was brainwashed by man-made gods…

Now that the chemical part of the intrusion is over and the loss of knowledge is over… this is all about finding the person I was, before doctors surgically altered me and before my parents killed me and gave me the stroke…

That’s a lot of years to go back and let go of issues and habits that were not conducive to anyone, but those playing god…

Taking my life back, leaves me wanting more and I feel a faint excitement begin to build deep inside me…

March 7th I will have had my memories back for 16 months… and out of all that darkness, that light at the end of the tunnel…

My reward for taking my soul back from christians… 

My opportunity to live my life to its fullest, on my terms and not some made up man-made gods bull shit…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never liked lip service….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Some of Hawaii’s Beauty….

From Feb 5, 2019 just before the Kona low hit us… now we have another one hitting us tonight…

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The bee was so intent on its job, it ignored how close I got…

The Nene are an endangered bird here on the islands… they mate for life and they will come back to the same place to nest… car was coming, I tried to get these to move out of the way…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Man made pharmaceuticals and their damage…

Man made pharmaceuticals are no different from man-made gods… both meant to control your life and make you dependent on anything but yourself…. so over men in power… Experienced that until I got my memories back… 

Getting the medical answers the last few months led me to the conclusion that Levothyroxine made my life a living hell for 27 years and no doctors, not even the specialist…. listened and it cost me dearly…

Hormone imbalance in women is nothing new… but I didn’t hit puberty until I was 16 1/2 years old… that is when my menstrual started… 1969….

By 1979, the Air Force took out my ovaries and tubes and there was nothing wrong with the organs and they put me into menopause at 25 years old and my life went from difficult to a walking and living hell of hormone replacement therapy… 

So imagine, your body gets natural hormones from less than 10 years and you are put on synthetic hormones that alter every thing about you… remember when I said I asked the Air Force shrink if you could change your personality… by that time I had been on premarin for 3 years and my psych test said mood disorder…. sigh…. hormones that are natural can make life and egg-shell walk as it is… put man-made hormones in a womans body and you never know what you will get… I know I lived it….

When I quit the premarin back in 04, I could feel the difference and change… but all the doctors insisted I stay on the Levothyroxine and I paid a heavy price from 2004 to now… because I trusted the college educated, licensed doctors in America… wow!!!

Mike says there is a change, he’s learning to pay attention, now that we know that certain conditions may appear down the road… and things have changed and I know, they will continue to change… I knew when the military put me on hormone replacement therapy things were not right and I kept being told I didn’t know what I was talking about….

I think I have a good use for that Writers Block program I just got… take all my medical records an put it in that program and let it sort it all out by date and labs and bull shit… now that is a good idea, so I can show the lack of professionalism all the way back to my military time… that chore will have to wait till my cataract surgery is done… it is taxing trying to focus my vision when just doing the blog, the left eye is bad and it’s real obvious now that it’s a cataract causing that eye problem… the eye doc found no problems with the right eye… just the left and when I close the left eye, I can see real good… it’s just very taxing to do that… so I have a plan for the writing program…

I find it less of a hassle to figure out this software or other stuff… it does amaze me how bad that thyroid drug screwed with me…

It’s like the last few days have been a test of how much more it could do, before it leaves my body… a reminder of how nasty a drug it is… the depression, the conflict… not something I am going to miss… Raising my voice is the other thing I won’t miss…

Man made drugs… had control of my life for the last 27 years… I will never take another drug, unless they can prove its need to keep me alive… My blood pressure has been 100% what it used to be, before the medications… actually a lot is going back to what it used to be, before 1993 came around…

I have learned many lessons on this part of the journey, it will be interesting to see what else I can learn as time goes by…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the mumps….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Levothyroxine poisioning….

https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/levothyroxine-oral-route/side-effects/drg-20072133

If you read this or look at it… The side effects, down all the way to the worse side effects… We counted only 3 that I DID NOT HAVE… out of all the issues with a drug, only 3 of the issues mentioned… I didn’t have… 

I had every one of all the other issues… not for one year, but for 27 years!!!

5 weeks off the drug Thursday… 

My sleep is better, my mood is better, my depression is better, my vision is better, my headaches are better, my appetite is much better, my activity level better, my coordination better, my speech better, my dizziness gone… my double vision gone… my nausea gone… my headaches gone…  my cranky ass, almost gone, that’s 27 years of cranky to get rid of!!!

It just boggles my mind that no one figured it out… and I saw a endocrinologist at the El Paso VA and because I stated the director should be fired, she dismissed me as a patient!!!

Yea for college educated morons!!!!

My research says that anyone who has had TBI’s should be handled differently for thyroid issues… I can just about bet, when I get blood done in May…. that my triglycerides are going to be lower as will my cholesterol… all related to thyroid medication and TBI…

Like my new primary doctor said….”YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BETTER THAN ANYONE”…. Listen to it!!! and I finally did…

I expect things to settle down now that a hormone I should not have been on, is no longer in my blood stream… Man made drugs are like man made gods… meant to destroy life, not make it better…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always on the go, until Texas and dying…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Levels of Depression because of TBI…

At the Arkansas VA, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and when I asked the question… “Why am I depressed”… the doctor could not answer, but he wanted to put me on anti-depressant… and for a while I took them and tossed them after a while….

VA is good about medicating when they don’t want to take the time to do the job… but I also think back to when they changed the way paperwork was done and made it more about a paper trail and not health care… that could explain the down fall of the VA, they forgot they were treating patients and made us all into numbers, statistics…

The VA doc told me this back in 2004 and I didn’t disagree with him, I just asked why was I depressed…

By this time I had quit taking Premarin hormone therapy and I was in my 40’s at that time… quit the Anti depressant, quit the Gerd medication, quit the Anxiety medication… so I was left with cholesterol and thyroid medication…

After our move to Hawaii and the thyroid started reversing itself… I had been off the cholesterol drug for about a year… so I knew it was not the culprit, making my depression worse than it was…

Now the doc in Arkansas was 2004, by this time I had been on Levothyroxine for 12 years… the one drug all the doctors kept telling me not to quit…

Fast forward to this past fall and my crazy writing about all the symptoms I was having… I was over dosing on Levothyroxine and I was not heard, when I kept saying this is a drug I should never be on…

I discontinued that drug 31 days ago… so where am I at with depression…. 

It’s there, just not all-consuming and not interfering with my every waking or sleeping moment… it’s there, but in a different way, not as intrusive, not as aggressive and most of all not as paranoid…

My depression will always be with me, because I suffered a severe traumatic brain injury… it will just never own me again, like it did while I took a man-made drug, Levothyroxine…

Strokes take, they take mobility, they take memories, they take ability, they take your filter… you couple that with all the other brain injuries I had…. 

I am not the one that needs to accommodate anyone… it’s the other way around… Which really does explain why I live the life I live… I got tired of accommodating everyone else…

The brain is clear, the depression is exactly what I expect from my stroke at 13 years old… It’s time for everyone else to take off their blinders if they want to be a part of my life… and that will never change…

I was forced to change at 13, when Don & Freda took my life… my choice taken from me… I’m taking that choice back now…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who once new life without depression before she was 8 years old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The layers of the decades are connected… Noise and PTSD…

A little Moody Blues playing in the background and I have it turned up so I can hear it in all rooms of our little house… When did I start to hate loud noise and when did it become painful… so many layers involved with PTSD… So many nuances to the pain you live with daily… and you start to eliminate the noise and the pain… you put your walls up and you start the process of building your cocoon…. your safe place and you eliminate the noise…

The noise can be people, it can be mechanical it can be overwhelming your world…. the noise can be emotional pain and it can be memories… I do not need to read other people’s pain… I have lived it my whole life and separating the noise and accepting it back into my world will be a process that has no time schedule or plan…

It will be getting up each morning and embracing the nightmares as I rise and wondering what will set me off today and what will I come to accept back into my world…

The world does not slow down or adjust for people with mental illness… no it tries to indoctrinate people to make them like they are… delusional and religious and most of all afraid of life and its reality…

I saw a post on face book today, that did not surprise me, this person made their choices decades ago, when they could not accept the abuse that went on in their own household so many years ago… the post on face book, how new parents decided not to put a gender on a birth certificate and I thought to myself, what is wrong with that… they are giving the life they brought into this world a choice, instead of making that choice for the new life… Instead of telling a child you are born with these body parts, so this is what you are, because that is what we believe… this is humanity at its best… to call these people other than what they are, which is human is bigotry at its best… so I can only imagine that this person is along for the ride as a spectator, because they believe in a white mans god and my story is just that to them…. a story… why???

Because they have become drunk with the white mans god and judge…. and they will wonder why the grandchild they are so proud of with his new bible, turns into an addict or a beater or a liar or a thief… all because they told the child what to believe, instead of allowing the child to learn, by watching, listening and most of all learning about life and not being told what life is, because of their own fears about what they have done in life and will be judge by a god that does not exist…

The noise of other people impact people like me and they do it daily with their post on face book or email or comments on blogs… they want so much for you to hear their noise, while they silence your voice…

Brain injuries happen daily, every minute of every day… we are the lucky ones… those with TBI… we get to see the world with no illusions… yet there will be those given this gift who will turn to white mans gods and the bigotry they dislike with how they are treated will grow… because instead of seeing the world through their brain injury, they will look at the world through religion… the leave their reality and look for a miracle that can never be… because of man-made gods…

The noise around me, the humans I live among, will never see the world the way I do, when they believe in gods…

Only because they are afraid to just believe in themselves and accept the solitude they are afforded… Just being happy to be alive….

Some of us will find companionship and have some help and support along the way… some will only have their family to help them and some, will always be alone…

TBI gives many gifts and it takes much, like it did with my past and memories…. My TBI has taught me what trust truly means… my TBI taught me that life is at its best, when honesty is the most important aspect of my life… my TBI taught me how to face fear and conquer it… my TBI taught me how to live and fight for the life I have… 

My TBI taught me that god does not exist when I died…  that life is precious and we only get one opportunity and to waste it praying to a human that was born and died just like you….

That is how I kept my soul…. knowing that no human born on this planet is a god, nor do they or ever will have a say in my life…

It’s mine… I intend to live it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who faced death and values life, we only get one…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

PTSD and the long walk….

Ever talk to a holocaust survivor??? or have you ever talked to Hiroshima survivor???

I have, both women and both stories very compelling…. and both wore physical and psychological scars from the gas chambers and death camps and the other wore the burn marks of the blast….

I met the lady on Japan, when I lived there… and she told me what it was like to watch her home dissolve into fire and the screams of so many dying at the same time… one half of her body had been burned, the side of her that had been turned towards the blast and she was a long distance from the center… not only will she wear the physical marks all her life, but as she told me her story, the tears flowed gently down her cheeks as she remembered that moment in time…

The lady I met from Europe, told me of watching as men and women and children were rounded up and loaded on trains and upon arriving at the death camps, the men were separated from the women, never to be seen again… many worked to death in the camps, many experimented on and many who died of hunger… just because they call themselves Jewish…

Both groups of people exterminated by a white mans civilization… and all done in the name of christianity and superiority…..

Both of these women exhibited PTSD, they will never get over the trauma and they knew what happened to them…

I have had my memories back for 14 months, But you think I should get over mine??? Bigotry at its best… because I denounce your man made god…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never asked for any of this, she was never given a choice… a white man’s god made the choice for her…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Day over, site made over….

We may have internet, but it is just about as slow as dial-up, okay, maybe an exaggeration… but watching video in messenger of our great grand son, it still had to buffer for a 15 second run… but I can get into sites I need for research and that means I can get into government records… so happy, but brain tired…

I thought I knew so much… Jeez, how things change on the internet… terminology is my downfall, I have to look up the word meaning and that has always been an issue since about 15 years old… doubt it will change now…

Site is looking good, still not sure what to do with the writer’s block program I bought, it’s good practice I guess…but I am learning the word press thing I bought…

Hoping this roller coaster ride of hormones is about done… it’s just as bad as menopause was except no hot flash’s… never dull in this skin…

Time for some down time, put in a movie… neighbors are getting a little loud… oh yea…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… exhaustion was her friend….

Sgt. USAF DAV

How it came to be… the beginning…

Their eyes locked across the room and it was love at first sight… He was tall, handsome with dark wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, dashing in his military uniform… She was petite hour glass figure, her hair auburn in color and heart shape face, dressed for a night out with her friends… 

They started talking, finding that they had much in common… he was from Arkansas and she was from Oklahoma and that was were the romance began… Denver, Colorado…

He came from a back ground of hard work on the farm… Raised by his step dad, who took over when his own father died young… The step father was a hard task master, his mother poorly educated and he wanted more out of life… he wanted a better life, so he joined the Air force…

She came from a broken family… A mother who abandoned her and her siblings at an early age… She bounced around from place to place and it left an indelible mark upon her soul…

The two lovers found comfort in each others arms and before long a child was conceived… March 1954 the two lovers married and started a long life together… A life filled with pain, lies and deceit… A life together that would leave a lasting mark on the children they brought into this world…

This is the story of one of those children… This is the story of Margie… A gifted child born into a family of violence, hate, deceit, lies and right-wing conservative christian religion… This is the story of a little girl destroyed in the name of god… This is the journey to find Margie and give her life so that she may never be forgotten….. This is the journey to find Margie…

Times Up #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Head up ass routine over yet???

I could just as easily remind myself, been off the thyroid medication exactly 30 days and that could be why I am having so much conflict… when the hormone level gets to be just enough off, confusion is a big issue and some people have been known to go into a waking coma type state… not even close to my head up ass, but got to look at all, not just one part….

Depression has been on the table, obviously… motivation, well every time I feel my feet start to curl, I remind myself why I am doing the PT and why I am doing this crap with the past… I am working to get to a what, you got me… I shake my head and listen to the big tonka toy working on the acre across from me… and sigh….

And I do that “I could have had a V8 moment”…. 

I live with PTSD, I will always live with PTSD, it is and always has been a part of me… I can look at my childhood pictures and see the light leave my eyes before I make it to 8 years old… 56 years of PTSD, I don’t think it’s going to go any place… kind of daunting thought, when I have to look at the rest of my life that way…

Stroke, bleed on the brain… I have a physical reason for the PTSD, I can not remove the brain tissue and it can not be fixed… that golden opportunity was back in the 60’s and like all that the folks did… deny me health care was the biggest… and I let go a big gasp of air…. so what do I do???

Like everything else I have done in life… had two kids when I hadn’t planned to have any… serve my country and have an experience of a lifetime working for Protocol at 5th AF… Travel the world and my country… Always looking, always learning… 

I am going to have down days like I am now and I will have up days, where I am planning out my next move… some steps will be forward and some will be backwards… but they will be steps and not me standing in place…

The move is important… but what I thought would have to be foot work, may now be obtainable by internet… now that we have it, sort of… bad weather takes this satellite out too and we get lots of heavy rain…

I think the next few weeks, me trying to get what I need on-line, may take the pressure off moving real soon and it may not… there are always more factors involved with any decision I make… as much as Mike says this is about me… I can not change who I am and it will always be about family, I just may not get what I want out of it… and that is jut the facts of life…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves the quiet of the breeze…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Wishy!!! Washy!!! Make a damn decision already???

I hate indicisive behavior and when it comes from me, it gets on my nerves in many ways….

Mike & I are talking about our current situation and families….and it keeps coming back to one thing… What will change if we move???

So far not a damn thing… our lifestyle will continue as it is… we will be more home bodies than outgoing and socializing… but we are bored and we know that all we have to do, make time and set the money aside and go out and do things… like golf… which should be a comedy in erros when I get on the green…

The PT kid said the same thing Mike said this morning… “You shouldn’t move until you feel good and comfortable about it”… and they are both right… when I put the move on the side lines, because of the medical side of this journey, things actually calmed down internally….

We left Okanogan county in 2002… since that time we have had a few visitors in the different states we lived in… My son came and saw us in Arkansas… Some friends of ours who moved to Arizona came and saw us in New Mexico… and a girlfriend came and saw us on Hawaii…Our oldest was suppose to help us and stayed in our other house in New Mexico for a few months… that was interesting…

I am talking our time since we left Okanogan county, not before, when we always had people in and out…

From 2002 to 2019… We have had visitors in our home 4 times…

We have gone through heart failure, open heart surgery and me, more surgeries than I care to count… we had some, support long distance during these times and mostly that was our daughter…

Yet I am tearing myself up about a move that will have impact on two people… Mike & I…

When the PT therapist asked about the move, that was when it started hitting me… I am unwilling to commit… I am unwilling to take myself out of my safe place and put myself in a situation where I am drawn into other peoples lives and drama… I am struggling to live with my own internal drama, so why would I expose myself to more???

Technology has allowed me to let that wall that protects me stay in place, simply because no one has bothered to give back what I gave out and that tells me… I have lots of spectators and very little real support, except for the man I am married too… which in reality is the way life is…

He does it daily by being here with me, accepting me and most of all not judging me… no one else out there can say that or show that… because… my wall is overflowing with cards of support and my phone is ringing off the hook with words of encouragement… 

Don’t get me wrong I do get suedo support in emojis or comments on face book and If I take the technology out of that picture, I guess it’s the same as getting that paper card you took time to go into the store and purchase… or the minutes you took out of your day to make that call… people are less likely to be involved when mental illness is the cause… even though mine is just PTSD, which has many definitions…

It is a two edge sword on how I look at this, allow it to impact me and most of all, being objective and reminding myself, we all have lives and mine is no more important than anyone elses….

So what do I do… I knew that answer when I started house hunting and could not get excited about it… moving is the wrong thing to do and continuing to think about it, is not helping…

I am not in the military nor do I work a job… I can pick up and move at any time… When it feels right…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… there are times I wish I didn’t…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Over Thinking… Psychology gets it wrong… my perspective…

Over thinking is not a bad thing… Yet when I read psychology, I do not find much good and that is for one reason only…. Psychology has blinders on…

What gets me about the college educated, none of them have ever lived what I lived… None of them had multiple brain injuries from toddler age up to 17 years old… None of them lost time, memory or existence… but…

They think over thinking is a bad thing, because people do not know how to shut the brain down, so you can sleep or be functional in other areas… and that is because of the way we raise our kids… we don’t teach them to think, we tell them how to behave and think and we do a lot of that with religion, which has no thought process, it’s all about manipulation and if that is all you know… over thinking could very well drive you over the edge… maybe…

I look at it from this perspective…. I think all the time, until I climb into bed… Didn’t used too, insomnia and I are old friends… but knowledge is what helped me get to the point, when in bed, its dream land or nightmares and I embrace each night, not fear it… and that is key… Fall in love with your bed again… you loved it as a teenager…

Stephen Hawking was an over thinker, I mean come on, what else was the man to do… he was a prisoner of his body and thinking was his only escape… and so too it is for me… Why??? Well answer this, could you have an intelligent conversation with Hawking on his level??? Could you even grasp his theories or concepts… just a FYI, I have read a couple of his papers and I had to use the dictionary a lot… but… I got it and only because I am willing to over think…

Psychology makes over thinking a bad thing, instead of treating it as an asset… I keep getting asked by health care professionals if I sought mental health help… and my reply, just how much do you think I can convey in thirty minutes and keep that therapist up to speed with my thought process??? FYI mental health wants you to follow their text-book guideline on therapy, got a chuckle out of that write… Not possible for me… and this is why…

At some time I knew I was burying my past, hiding the clues and running in opposite direction, instead of addressing the issues I was living with daily… I knew this by the time I was 18 years old…

By the time 2010 rolled around and I knew I was missing memory, I had to address the elephant in the room… I quit thinking and ignored every clue out there that would have ended this journey decades ago… Fear is a powerful chemical reaction in the brain… It took watching Don Bagwell die in 2006 and the way the family acted for me to over come that fear… all based on a god that is man-made and used for one purpose, manipulate your life…

When I confronted Freda in 2010 about the missing memory, that was when I started over thinking and fighting for answers…. 9 years ago, Freda and Peggy both living and living now and I am the one fighting for my life… keep in mind I am loved, yada, yada, yada… as long as I don’t remember….

By over thinking, I kicked my brain back into gear and started problem solving… I am still doing it today… what I had to over come… the insomnia, the night-time brain drain…. for me, it was as simple as changing my diet, giving up alcohol and cigarettes, eliminating medication and most of all taking 800 mg of magnesium an hour before bed….

It took me about a year to get into a good pattern of sleep, a pattern I stick to today… and my sleepless nights given over to over thinking are gone, haven’t had one, can’t remember when the last all nigh ter happened…

By over thinking, I am able to analyze,  tear apart, explore and most of all, eliminate the fake or misleading information I have in my brain….

Over thinking can take you down the dark path and you could take your own life… teaching the brain to explore why you go there and why it feels so good when you do it, if you are open and honest… you can take that thought process into the light…

I guess what I am trying to convey, there is nothing wrong with over thinking as long as it is in the light… but, you head to the dark side and it can destroy you…. they say they will never understand Ted Bundy… and they get it wrong… the dude was brilliant, but he got off on the chemical reaction in his brain by killing, he made a conscious choice and knew the end game results… but he got off on the chemical in his brain, he was that aware of how the brain works… most over thinkers do… it is always about choice… Ted Bundy went for the dark path, because that is what gave him satisfaction…

I took the lighted path, because that is what gets me excited…. I have written from the beginning… Life is about choice… some over thinkers have no control or say and those are the ones that have true mental illness… People like me who search for truth and all that is good in the world, go the other direction… People like Bundy… they just do it to get their rocks off… nothing mental about that, just a matter of choice…

That is really all life is… choices…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was always thinking…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My anger & My pain, so why are you pissed off at me???

I sighed as I started to write this morning… My boys are pissed off at me and not talking to me and now it seems the same with my step daughter… people not willing to own their behavior…

What happened to this being my journey, are their lives so fucked up or so filled with guilt, that I need to be their target???

And people wonder why I am hesitant to live near or close to anyone I know…

When I started writing this blog and there are a couple of people following that have seen the blog from the beginning and those few know I had to delete my blog, because Peggy threatened me… this was only 2 months after I got my memories back…

Peggy went out of her way to make THIS blog about her, even though she never lived what I lived, no, she participated in the violence, if not directly she did it through her “child of god bull shit”…

Now I know what my kids, all 3 experienced before they left home, even the stupid and illegal stuff they did and I know quite a bit about their adult lives, though they don’t think I know anything…

Yet all of them, Peggy and the kids have tried to make this about them, so riddle me this…

Were you even fucking born when I got my first brain injury???

Than how can any of this story be about anyone else…. But me???

I am so over wearing the scars of all of them and mine are invisible…

Last night was a night of toss and turn as the nightmares of Texas come flooding in… so much of that time period is still veiled in darkness…

Yet my kids and sister… think this story has something to do with them…

Last I checked… the medical records are all in my name… The MRI & MRA were done on me recently and the mental tests evaluations were done on me…

SO HOW THE HELL DID THIS STORY BECOME ABOUT THESE PEOPLE????

I have had so little support from my family and friends, except for words… and words only have value, if they have meaning and frankly I have no faith in the words they use, because actions speak louder than words ever will, I know, it’s cost me in the thousands to be there for others, but I never have gotten that back in any way shape or form…except for empty words…

No one can say I wasn’t there for them when they needed me, or my checkbook…

I have yet to see one of the above people make the attempt to come to my home and support me…

But Mike & I did it for all of them…. gee this sounds like Trump versus the nation…

Rough night makes for a rough start of the day…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated heights, so she took flying lessons… never again… but I did take off and land on my own…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Letting the Fantasy go….

It is a struggle at some moments during my day… Like today, when the PT therapist asked me questions about my journey… they have access to my blog and I get I am somewhat of a curiosity…

He asked if we still planned to move and I had to stop for a moment and gather my thoughts before I spoke… and I said…

“I don’t know if I am ready to move… so much is involved with the PTSD and I know that the PTSD will be with me forever, because we are addressing all things related to my childhood damage now, so many decades later and I have only had my memories back for 14 months, so I can’t answer if we will move from here or not… I did the job thing and I did the mom thing and I tried doing the grandma thing… No one wants to meet me half way… so this fantasy of moving home and having a relationship with people who would rather be spectators and judges, has no appeal to me… I have no true support for what I will live with, the rest of my life and I am just as well off, living among strangers and I am living among people I know”…..

It was a conversation that came out of curiosity, but one that has great impact on me….

I allowed people for decades to put labels on me, because I had no collective thought process or defense, I was walking through life, not living it… I allowed people for decades to make up lies and I did nothing to disprove those lies, but why I should to begin with is still beyond me…

Letting the fantasy go about having my kids and grandkids in and out of my house… I had that once and my check book ended up empty… 

I can be content, regardless of the place I live, if I so choose… my discontent with Hawaii has many factors, but none so awful, that I am willing to pick up and move to an environment that won’t be beneficial to me…

I am in my own way, letting the fantasy go of what I would like the next couple of decades to be… and accepting, that what I have lived these last 17 years since we left Okanogan, will likely continue…

You can not ask of others and they can not ask of me… I have no expectations and the few hopeful dreams I did have, are fading into the sunset…

I do not know what the future will hold, if I felt or had the connections that I am told existed, it would be different, but we all have our own lives and our own agendas, including me…

I have never been good at lip service, found that out when I lived in Mena among the family, it was easier to stay at my house than visit with them… that way I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in the fake world they created…

If Mikes dad was still alive, it would be different… he treated me like his daughter and he is missed…

I can be called mom, grandma and wife all people want… 

But do I feel the part and most of all do I want to live it???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who like all girls dreamed of the Barbie and Ken world that was never real…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Deer in the Headlights… kind of day…

Go into town to do my PT and we decide we will register with the pot store that just opened recently in Hilo…

So I did my PT and get told I am making progress and my body is sore and it agrees…

We go change our AT&T plan, since we got internet and we head over to the pot store…

Well we register and they start talking about all the stuff that goes on with what they grow and what stuff is called and I start giggling and look at the kid and asked… 

“Do you mean Hash???” and he looked stunned that I used the name familiar to me…

So we get taken to the secure area of the store and of course they are sold out, but our goal was to ask questions and get answers…

Finally I had to stop the kids and say, what happened to just using the old words, ya know English??? and we bust out laughing…

Little did I know how much technical stuff was involved with growing pot… but at least we are registered, so we can buy, when we do not have any…

I never thought I would live to see the day, I could legally walk into a store and buy Marijuana… and not get busted…

But it did truly feel like a deer in the headlights kind of moment, when the kids threw all that technical jargon at us…

We left the store, still not fully understanding everything they told us… but I think over time, we will catch on…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never touched pot, until introduced to it in the military…

Sgt. USAF DAV

1:36 mins…

We picked up the elliptical Thursday last week… Mike had it put together that day and we were on it…

At first I could go 30 seconds and my left calf and thigh were screaming in pain and I was gasping for air… you would think to remember to breathe… not me…

The PT lady said this machine was for building endurance, working the neuro area and cardio… and I agree, it does all that… except when I cloud my neuro with some pot…

With our weather being crappy, walking isn’t happening, so we get on the elliptical… Now Mike, right off the bat, he went longer than I could and I had to remind myself about the stroke, yada, yada, yada…

After one week I can do the elliptical for a minute and a half… no elevation or tension… but, the leg didn’t scream at me to quit either… still amazes me I made it through basic training…

For me, the hardest thing, other than my left leg… the heart racing or thumping and the breathing… I remember that as an issue in basic training too….

I am hoping that the device gives me relief in my shoulders… I have carried this weight of deceit of the Bagwell clan so long, it has become a fixture on my body and a painful one… every day I am correcting my posture thousands of times a day, working at breaking the habits I picked up to compensate for the left side weakness, no one ever caught… continuous medical care and not one American doctor caught it… WOW!!!

Hope to make it to 2 mins this weekend… did 1 1/2 mins three times yesterday at different times of the day… I think we made a wise investment, now the day we start hanging stuff on it, is the day I post of picture of it going bye-bye…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved riding her bicycle until Japan happened…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Lies Fester and Perpetuate…

When you tell a lie and it festers and perpetuates into a bigger lie, where did I GO WRONG????

I went off on Mike this morning… It has bugged me for a few days now and I wrote about the lie that was told and how that one lie little will spread around Okanogan county and fester and perpetuate into something it never was…

All because one person told a lie for what ever reason… IT’S STILL A LIE!!!

This tells me, my writing has had no impact on that person and they see lies as a way of life… something I have talked about, screamed about and yelled about…

Lies are not truth!!! Lies are agendas meant to hurt others…or have control…

Mike should have taken the lie and corrected it the minute it left the other persons lips… WHY???

Because the lie is about me… and that tells me volumes about the person who started the lie… they have no respect for me, they have no love for me and that tells me why I have no reason to move to Okanogan County….

I may not always get my facts right… but I have gone out of my way to tell the truth since I started writing this blog… why???

Because my whole LIFE is built on lies told by Freda, Don & Peggy….

I told Mike, he needed to think hard and long about this moment in time… I am financially independent and have no need for anyone in my life, I can support myself and I have relied on myself to get to this point in time…. If honesty and truth has no value to him… Neither do I and that is obvious that I have no value to anyone else, or they would have never started a lie… and if the lie was just told to me, to get under my skin that too speaks volumes of the thought process of the  influence the person looks too…

People of religion will hide behind lies and subterfuge, because to face reality and truth every day takes effort and most of all….

It takes being a good person… and I am so over people lying about my life… They have done it for 64 years….

You want to be a part of my life… own the lies you told and fix the mess you created…

You will find my ass on Hawaii for the next however long I decide to be here…

Truth does matter, but not to those whose agenda has nothing to do with my life… just what they want to get out of this moment in time… 

Mike should have addressed this when it happened and he didn’t, he said, “I didn’t look at it from that perspective”!!!

I have no other choice, why??? 

Because it was a lie about me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never harmed anyone, but so many envy her desire to not stray from the path of honesty…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Befuddled… no kidding…

We have been getting hammered all day with wind and rain… typical winter squall…

We lost internet a couple of times, being satellite, to be expected…

I have spent the last few minutes trying to figure out how I got into the guts of this program… I think I am too tired to do much else today…

But I did get to hop around and things did load better, not faster and it still has a hiccup when the customize feature comes up… not much I can do about that…

I think this weekend, I will be doing some playing… but it is so very nice to have internet again…

Sometimes I really have to quit fighting my old habits and listen to reason… this time I did… 

Shutting down before the thunderstorms hit us… Aloha…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… standing in the eye of the hurricane on Okinawa….

Sgt. USAF DAV

We have internet!!!

Stubbornness is so much a part of PTSD… You will do the stupidest and after you are done, you hit your head and say, “I could have had a V8″….

The cost for internet via the satellite service here, was comparable to the price we were paying AT&T for awful service…..

Needless to say, my own stubborn thought process or lack of desire to change the status quo, cost us about 2 grand in the last 2 years… not a lot… but it will be a thorn in my side, because I know better…

It all goes with the PTSD and the desire to have some control, when in reality, the PTSD is in control…

I have so many bad habits that impact so many different aspects of my life… Anger is one of them, letting go and taking down the walls, is another…

After so much emotional pain, I just don’t seem willing to go any direction that will put me in line for more emotional pain… thus the hiding out on Hawaii… but…

That was why I didn’t go with real internet and used the hot spot… I made it hard not only on myself, but made it even harder for the kids and grandkids to reach out…

Some of the walls are of my own making and that is having a major impact on my choices…

Am I willing to move on and can I and do I want to and will it be worth it???

All questions I have to answer, for no one else but myself…. Plan to play with the website and see what all I can do… spent the afternoon taking care of all the other equipment and updating…  at least now I can upload video of Hawaii and more pictures…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who withdrew into the world of stories….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Reality Bites…

If I have learned nothing else about my life… Reality bites and sometimes that reality can be cruel beyond belief and my first 17 years on this planet were just that… oh yea for reliving that time period…

But the reality of my last 25 years with my husband and his family… Don’t get me wrong, I love my step-daughter… she has taught me more about motherhood than my own two sons… but…. we have a reality issue and unless it is addressed, it will continue to cloud the relationship….

I asked Mike how he felt about not moving… Yes I am not happy with Hawaii, but that may be some of my own making and I have lived in far worse places in our nation… I’m just not in a big hurry to make a move that may have no benefit to me… just that simple, this move has to give me something and right now… there’s nothing, other than buying acreage in the middle of some place, so that I have peace and quiet… I can get that here, it’s just going to take the trees outside my window a couple of years to grow and afford that peace; quiet, not so much, but that just means closing the house up and turning on the AC so outside noise goes bye-bye…

When people make choices thinking that they are protecting me or Mike, that’s when things can go horribly wrong…

I wanted our kids to all have DNA tests… for health reasons because of the amount of cancer and other bizarre illness’ that may lay in waiting…

One child did the test, the other child has no contact with us and the other child has not done the test, even though we paid for it and they have had possession of the test for a few years… now why would you ignore getting this done, when all you got to do is spit in a tube and mail it…

Well my speculation is this… they think one of us is not their biological parent… when I brought this up to hubby, he didn’t seem surprised….

I grew up in a home that is 100% built on manipulation and lies…. when someone tries that game on me as an adult, it sets off every spidey sense I got and it causes problems with trust… and if you have read my blog…

Trust is the first and foremost thing in my life and I don’t give a damn who you are… Husband or child… violate that trust and we do not have a relationship… we have a game of chess and since I don’t play chess… I will walk away from this type of relationship and I will keep the distance great…. why???

Trust…. they choose to play a game and manipulate what they have no right to manipulate… our lives… 

I always offer the opportunity to learn and when someone takes that opportunity to manipulate…

That proverbial wall I have talked about and what Trump wants… but in reality will never get…

I do get… and it’s my wall and it just gets higher…

I have been open and honest, if I can not get the same back… we will continue to associate, but that wall will make it so much harder to be intimate and honest…

I have choices to make and for some reason… that just seems to get pushed further away and I am content to just stay put…

Honesty and trust… I give nothing else in life… when I don’t get it back… I leave the wall exactly where the other person built it… I didn’t build the wall… I told the truth and I was honest…

Others can not say the same… and I have a feeling, my leaving Hawaii may be more than just a few months away, it could be years….

Funny how life works, just because of the choices others made….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who has always been honest…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Nightmares are back…. PTSD you are a pain…

If nothing else, when you get answers you are seeking, it frees the mind up for other fun things… NOT!!!

The nightmares are back and they are in over drive… Sleep is happening, but it is interrupted and when I wake, I am left with hints of what I had a nightmare about… meaning… a memory is coming forward…

Getting all the answers about the medical side of this journey, is what relaxed the mind from fixating on health issues and not the mental side of this… and I knew if it was not medical… it would be mental…

Hubby is fully supportive and he is also getting a lesson in think before you open your mouth…

I will be the first to admit, my thought process does not follow the standard line of thinking, I don’t look at the world in any way, shape or form like you… I never have and I never will…

I faced death and came back thriving… I faced the manipulation and bigotry of Freda and Peggy and that made my stomach very sour… but most bigots do… I faced the issues with the abuse my own sons dished out and they can bite my ass… if they think treating me that way is acceptable…it is not, nor will it ever be…

I faced the decades of discrimination because of my mental illness and the bigotry and hate of the religious sect in our country…. I get more kindness out of strangers than people I know… I faced the lies that so many purported, because it wasn’t about me, it was about their agenda… I faced the doctor who took control of my health care, instead of being a guide… and I face the neurologist who would rather use drugs and psycho therapy than help me deal with this journey…

It is never easy to walk through life and when you have barrier after barrier put before you, you have 2 choices… jump the barrier or get buried by the barrier…

I choose to jump the barrier and not listen to the mental workings of those humans who have not walked this path, lived this path or been a part of this path…

I choose to listen to me, it’s what got me this far in life… made me a successful contributing adult to our nation and economy and most of all….

I took my soul back from the corruption of people like christians… and now my soul is a very happy camper…

Nightmares are back and sleep is okay and the journey continues… I could not be any happier with the way things are going… and that light at the end of the tunnel I talked about early on… is within reach…

I just have to want it….

Internet gets installed today, so this may be my only post for a day or two as I get things brought up to speed and get all secure… our security cameras arrive in a couple of days and no one will be able to come on our property again and take what isn’t theirs… and they might want to be cautious on Makuu street, one camera will be pointed directly at it… and the next banger will get his or her picture plastered all over the internet…

Gee I feel like we are becoming civilized getting internet… Rainy and thunderstorms… so much for El Nino… we have been wet, going on 2 years, with very few days of just sun… keeps the air so clean… and everything growing and thriving… much like me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved climbing trees…

Sgt. USAF DAV

A ghost saved my sons lives….

In Enid, Oklahoma… back in the day when I lived there… I worked at a high-end restaurant as a waitress… at the time I was going through my 3rd divorce and like all my divorces, it cost me… So a 2nd job was needed to pay the bills…

I was lucky, I was living in base housing and my 2 boys were only 5 & 3 yrs old… and I needed a reliable babysitter… and I happen to mention that when talking to the First Sgt. for the base and he recommended his 13-year-old son… and they lived in based housing, so, no need to run the kid home, he could walk… and I rarely got home before 10PM…

One night after a very busy shift… the guys and I sat down to have a night-cap and shoot the breeze, before we all headed to our prospective homes…

I had just taken a sip of my drink and I went cold inside… you know the expression, someone walked over your grave… that kind of spooky feeling…

I jumped up and knocked my chair over, grabbing my keys and purse and ran for my car… It was only a 15 minute drive that time of night….

As the security policeman waved me through, I headed straight for my house… 

The minute I opened the front door the smell of natural gas pushed me back outside….

I threw everything on the ground, ran next door to my supervisor and had him call 911 and I went running in that house, all the time telling myself, DO NOT TOUCH A SWITCH…

I ran for the bedroom and grabbed my sons, one in each arm and ran for the front door, gasping for air….

By this time, my supervisor is standing in the front yard, boxer shorts and all, taking the boys and I yelled I have to get the babysitter out of the house….

I grabbed him and dragged him out the front door, just as the fire department showed up…

I sent the babysitter home after he was checked out and waited for the fire department to tell me why my home was filled with gas… and the explanation to this day sends a chill down my spine…

All of the pilot lights had been blown out, on the 4 burner stove, on the hot water tank and on the gas dryer… 

A couple of days later I found out why this had happened… The babysitter had raped my child and tried to commit suicide and take my sons with him….

How could I have known, down town, not a call or conversation with the kids and I knew my sons were dying…. and the fire department said it was very lucky I followed procedure or I would have blown up part of base housing…

I often wondered about that moment in time that saved my sons lives… was it intuition or something else… I would like to think it was something else…

You see, my grandpa was a veteran and he had been stationed at Vance when it was an Army Air Field during the world war…. my granpa, lived at the base I was stationed at…

My first-born was born a month before my grandpa died… His first great-grandchild… I would like to think, it was his whisper I heard in my ear that night…

Even those of us, who have no faith or beliefs in gods… have hope… I know it was my intuition that saved my sons lives that night…

But, I like to think it was grandpa, watching over his first great grandsons….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. who loved ghost stories…

Sgt USAF DAV