Vet No MRI Dependent husband all done…

I think we are on week 5, waiting for a call from the local facility, so I can get a brain MRI and find out, if possible to find out, what the hell is going on in my brain with 2 abnormal brain waves….

You start to speculate and then you do the stupid and research symptoms, like the vasculitis… and you get paranoid and you think this is it… the sky is falling… grab your ass, put your big girl panties on and look in the mirror at how stupid you just got…. and laugh till you pee those big girl panties….

The health issues, the mental issues, the life issues… I am so over thinking about any of this stuff… but I have too, regardless what path it takes, I have to stay in the moment and just go with it…

I can be working around the house or shopping or just watching TV and something will trigger memories and stuff just floods in like a tidal wave and you are looking for anything to grab to make sense of it…

I guess at some point I found that life raft, because every time in the last couple of days, any memory that comes into view, just plays on out….

I don’t know how to convey, knowing you know every day of your life, but something is keeping you from remembering it… I have walked through life for the last 50 years, trying to figure out the first 14 years… I have narrowed that down to 6 years…

Has every day of my life come back, I think with what ever happened in Texas, the brain injury then, is what caused the twin signals in my brain… I know it gave me narcolepsy after the Japan beating and that was around 14 years old and that issue did not finally stop until around 2000…. I haven’t had a sleep paralysis issue since then…. Drove from Washington to Arkansas when we moved in 2003 and I drove one rig and hubby the Uhaul…. at one time I could fall asleep by just closing the eyes… It got scary for a while…

For the longest time I fought to understand what was going on in my brain and got no place with the military or the VA… and the VA is still not disappointing… still waiting for the Brain MRI…. sigh…………………………………

It was sweet vindication, when I told the doctor before I saw the neuro, I told her I had peripheral neuropathy and that is what they diagnosed me with along with autonomic neuropathy….

The only reason I though Vasculitis was on the table… after the defective surgical glove incident at Vance… they found my primary vessel to my heart, partly occluded and it still is… and that one symptom that fits none of the other stuff, the tightness of the chest… Mike will attest, sometimes it is off the chart for pain when I eat, because of that tightness in the chest and yes, my heart has been checked… this is related to the blood flow and as I swallow something goes wrong and it is just bad… enough said…. and no it is not the esphoagus, all checked… but not the veins…

I hope the MRI happens soon… I have read what other tests they may want to do… I am all in except for a spinal tap or sleep study… I do not sleep in strange places without my dogs or hubby, and there is more to it than just that…

My instincts have told me my whole adult life, never let anyone put a needle in my spine… and If I had done lots of the things the doctors prescribed… I wouldn’t be typing this now… I would be dead… so instincts I trust… Doctors… not so much… All they did was pass tests…. That doesn’t make them great, just qualified to pass tests… 

Well I have my own test… I see the neurologist in Feb… Time will tell, it always does…. and I am betting I will piss him off in the first 5 minutes… and not deliberately either… the dude is as uptight as you can possibly get… yuppies, I will never understand them….

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I Remember… Margie…..

Mind Trap Abyss…

The mind is like an abyss, the more I read about psychology and neurology, the more I realize I know zero about either subject, except for what I have lived for 64 years…

I can go back in time around the time of the boob incident and I can see myself about age 8 and my thought process has started to evolve, but not in a way that anyone else around me would have recognized… instead… they put labels on me…

It was easier than the adults, being adult… label the child, instead of guide the child… well that is what christians do… destroy what they can not control or understand and try they did….

But the mind trap… was one I started around that time period… First it was as I was going to sleep, doing the religious prayer for no other purpose but to keep the adults off my back… playing with sister when told, other wise I was outside and as far from the house as possible and when those options were not available….

I escaped from reality into my own world in my mind… all the while doing what the adults wanted… Must have been a real frustration for my mother… she had total control over all her children but me… and no matter how hard she beat me…

I just looked back at her like I had done since I was a toddler and she hit me with the old fashion hair brush… those eyes telling, I know the truth… I know the truth…

cropped-margie-at-2.jpg

The mind escape is what kept me going, yet I knew if I let it, the mind trap would grab me and never let go… so choices I had to make… and reality was put in place to protect and protect me it did…

Every brutal beating after the boob incident… I used my brain to protect me, so that someday, when I was ready… the trap door would open and all I had denied would be laid bare….

Covered in bruises after one of mothers infamous beatings… this little 6-year-old didn’t understand….WHY

But by the time the boob incident happened… she got the message and so did the school photographer… the evidence speaks for itself… those are bruises on that child’s body… not make up… all because mother once again was embarrassed….

Maggi6yr

The mind trap in place, she learned to escape… All the while watching the adults and filing away every word and action that was for the sole purpose of hurting their own children…

By the time the Japan beating happened… things started changing in that household… sister was no longer able to manipulate things so that I got beat… Mother had to back off, because if they hurt me again… those 16 years of military service would go in the toilet for dad…. but that never silenced her ugly mouth, and four letter words were the norm…

But the mind trap played on… protecting, keeping me safe… To this day, I can not tell you how I graduated high school, even though I flunked a grade because of the boob incident beating… I still graduated on time… all the while being told how stupid I am by mother…

The mind trap still protecting as I take on adult life… Unable to articulate, I wrote… Time passed and the military took my childs soul and laid it bare and mine after the rapes…

The mind trap is still working, taking me away from all the ugly that goes with life….

Then came Mike and the mind trap started to melt away… and I found that life was nothing like what I had experienced in the first 40 years on this planet….

I use the mind trap now, just to relax after working on this book… I use it, as brain candy reward, and let the imagination wonder…. Now the mind trap is nothing more than a momentary escape to relax, not hide…

Not knowing I had TBI’s or PTSD… made this journey harder than it had to be and mother still refuses to talk, so does Auntie… and then the VA health care system started letting me down by 1998 and from that point on… it has been one cluster fuck after another with each president and congress all the while making themselves rich while stealing from social security and veterans….

It wasn’t for lack of trying that our own government is hell-bent on destroying veterans and putting those seniors in their grave, the people that help to build this nation… We are an invisible people and expendable to this nation…

Just look at the rich mans tax cut and all the jobs that are now disappearing… They want the middle class to wipe the ass’s of the upper class…

I thought America was the land of EQUALITY???  only if you are in the 1%…. or a white nationalist like Trump… 

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself…. and women keep putting men in office… stupid is as stupid does and they will likely bitch the loudest…. 2021, can not get here fast enough….

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I Remember… Margie….

PTSD keeps evolving….

I have to give it to the mental health lady I saw here… she does know her stuff… but for me… it just wasn’t the right path to take, spend a half hour once or twice a week and then have to remember what we discussed and get the brain in the direction the worker is… just doesn’t work for me…

I hop from decade to decade when I talk to Mike and there are times he has trouble keeping up… and this dude was on the Deans list at UNM every semester… before he had open heart surgery… so stupid he is not… he was working on his 2nd degree in 2014…. on my VA benefits….

What the young woman said, was baby steps and I get you can’t hurry anything along, IF, the brain is not willing…

Well crap, I have been willing since I remember the damn boob incident with sis and bro and my mom being a psycho path…. so yea, I have been wanting to know since I remembered the hairbrush against my backside at 18 months old…. so I get the psychology part of the PTSD, not 100%, I am not educated…

I have some college, the rest… everything I could read, watch documentaries, actual surgeries, you name it, if it was available I jumped in with no clue what I was learning, some of it from actual job experience… and after a while I was not just absorbing and over time I realized I had learned…. after being told all my life how stupid I was… gee wonder if that IQ test back in 85 had anything to do with it…. sorry sarcasm not on point today… headaches…

I can feel the change in my brain… today especially, and it started around 3AM… first the bloating and swelling of my intestines…. then the headaches and the weird foggy feeling and the heat hit… starting at the top of my head and it spread slowly all the way to my toes….

Ya know, they made me go through menopause at 25 years old in the military because they got it wrong… I know what hot flash’s feel like and this is absolutely nothing like that… they are short and usually just the head only….

What has been going on today has happened multiple times in the past, but yesterday it was lots of tachycardia, today the sweats and nausea… breakfast, the dogs got mine… and my mood is very laid back and relaxed and not from the pot either….

So yesterday and the day before, very up tight and pissey… today, I feel like I am in a fog, with frontal headaches and like I said, I can actually feel the difference in the brain… and I read this is not unusual… so I am just going with it and enjoying the weird experiences that come with what ever the hell is causing the 2 abnormal brain waves…. 

I mean it has been going on since Japan and that was 50 years ago… I am just fully aware of everything since I got my memories back and understand the nightmare my family left me to live… they say Karma is a bitch… I kind of hope so…

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I Remember… Margie….

Vasculitis and Why???

In my military records, in 1978, a test came back saying I had a STD… which I found odd, because I was married, but getting a divorce… but, not sleeping around… 2 little kids under 3… like I had any time with my military job and the kids…

So they sent the test off to the state lab in Oklahoma City… in the meantime, I was given a shot in each ass cheek with penicillin and sent on my way… and never informed of the results from the state lab… I turned the asshole flight surgeon down and said no thank you to the little man between his legs… go figure on that one…

After my discharge, I had my military records and I was looking through them and low and behold… the state labs results… NO STD… but they documented that they had no clue what kind of infection I had…

Now by this time I am on Japan and the doc there is trying to save my life and they do a bunch of tests and blood work and they decide they need to scope my stomach and take a biopsy… I tell you one thing upper GI and lower GI tests… UGH!!! that black crap is nasty….white stuff no better…. yuck…

Anyhow… they found the parasite H. Pylori… Now back in the day, no one thought anything could live in our stomachs because of the acid… well they were so wrong… this H. Pylori can be transferred to you just by sharing a ice cream cone with your cat or dog, or them licking you in the mouth or from drinking water or and this is the best one… you can get it while in the womb….

Now I know I have a parasite in my eye, because the optometrist and more than one has told me this, says it was from when I was in the womb and mom ate fish that was raw…. The doctors said that was the only way to get the parasite that is encased in calcium in my eye… If it had moved just slightly more to the right, I would be blind in that eye…. and no there is no antigen in my system from that parasite…

But there is antigen in my blood from the H. Pylori and that could very well be the caused of the Vasculitis and probably started when the infection was picked up by the state lab, but no one could identify it back then… they didn’t have the ability… medicine… always growing and changing… but humans aren’t…

Now you get why I think Vasculitis is extremely possible, it can be caused by antigens in the blood… another reason, 2005, my white count goes off the chart and the VA sends me to oncology because they think I have leukemia…. thankfully I didn’t, but my white count was monitored for 6 months with monthly blood work… and that wasn’t the first time my white count went nuts… it happened half a dozen times from 1978 to now…. and I warn the doctors, unknown, low-grade infection, no one has been able to diagnose and they just look at me like I grew 3 heads…. SIGH!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, I was exposed to agent orange on Okinawa… so white count means something to me… maybe not to them… but to me… hell yes!!!

Sad I am the one to figure all this out and have to go to the doctors and they confirm what I already know… Honestly why do they go to college???? Someone so should have caught all this back in the day, instead by 1998 I was so fed up with incompetent doctors working for the VA, I became my own worse enemy…

But, at least, I figured it out and the doctors are just confirming it… guess that IQ crap came in handy after all…. and I didn’t get the education Trump got… thankfully… just saying…

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I Remember… Margie….

1972 going back to 1967…edited….

Yesterday was interesting…. no clue how this starts or ends, I just know I am along for the ride and what a ride it has been….

I always remembered the singing competition in Junior High in Big Springs and the field trip and the critique of my singing….

My next memory picks up and my mothers mother has died, a woman I knew nothing about, nor ever met… but my mother was beyond upset about the death of her mother that abandoned her??? Yep you got it, what I found out about mommy dearest and how she was really brought up and by who… well the facts speak different from her stories… it is amazing the people who reach out to me doing genealogy… they provide a wealth of information and a paper trail to back up their words… My mother, not so much… her words have been false since the day her mommy abandon her as a little girl and that was the beginning of mommy’s mental health issues and it took a twisted turn that she is still acting out today….

So mom being upset about her mom, that is when my memory started working again and by then… We had been vaccinated for our move to Japan and we had only been at Webb AFB less than a year… It’s expensive to move military and doing it, from Gunther AFB, to DaNang AFB to Webb AFB to Yokota AFB in less than 3 years… yep cover up and the military is very good at it…. Anyone with military knowledge knows this is not the normal time of transfer between assignments… In fact now a days, you probably will only get moved around a few times if you make a career out of it… Military people get what I am saying…. They don’t transfer you unless man power is the issue or a scandal has happened… I know, experienced it myself while active duty….

Enough back story…. let’s get back to the memories I drove Mike nuts about yesterday… so excited so much came back in sequential time and not out of frame of reality… Makes it easier to see the memories, if you can pin the time frame down and that is what I did yesterday… I took the chaos and kicked it out of the picture and put the puzzle together for 1967 before the brain injury by mommy and daddy to 1972 the last brain injury by daddy…

All this means… I remember… I remember before the brain injury in Texas and I remember all the injuries sustained from that time on… the chaos for this part of the journey is over….

I remember what I hoped to fully remember and remembered it correctly and not the versions my mother likes to give… for example… 

Mom loves to tell this story about how I would sneak back in the window in base housing at Naha, Okinawa… by now I am 17, the last blow to my head happened and daddy was told by mom, he shouldn’t have done that… hit me I mean… and that is when everything changed between me and mommy and daddy… just a fyi, the windows were not the kind you can crawl in… look at base housing picture for 1970 to 1972 of Naha AFB… they are online… just google it… anyway….

I never snuck in the window… I walked in the door… When dad struck me upside the head that summer, he was told straight up, and I quote myself… “Touch me again, and you will die”… and I turned and walked out the door and went to the bowling alley… read the blog, the story is in there…

So mom started the stories about me sneaking this or that, and those stories were never based on facts…

The facts were and are…

After I was hit the last time that summer, I did what I wanted and that meant coming and going as I pleased… I was still in high school and conformed to the rules and curfews set by the military police on base… but other than that, I made my own rules… besides if I had balls to take a shower on the back porch with a GI and mommy walked in it… yep you got it… she was no longer in control… but her lying mouth was….

I took my life back after that last blow the summer just before I turned 17 and I never gave it back to mommy or daddy… Now you get why mommy does not want me around… I always had edetic memory… 

I just had to remember…. and I have….

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I Remember…Margie….

FYI… being moms daughter, upper portion of this child was well endowed by the time we moved into NAHA housing an those tits were not going to let me crawl in any window… I tried it once an bruised them good enough not to try twice… but moms stories says I did it lots…. nope, just once, then Don knocked me upside the head andI turned the tables on them both… geeez so fun to remember getting even with them without raising my voice or my hand…. just used my brain…. lol

Periheral Neuropathy & Vasculitis….

Peripheral Neuropathy is something I knew I had for a very long time… but didn’t get official diagnosis till this year in Feb… and that is when the ball slowly started to get more tests done and get some definitive answers… 

Well its Dec and we still have no answers, let alone a brain MRI… It is VA health care and nothing like be the trash upon what Americans walk upon… Health care in the VA has gone from bad to toilet since Trump took over…. okay enough rant…

What I think, and it’s only because of what happened this morning around 3AM and then a couple of hours later after I got out of bed… and those symptoms got me looking and I found something that fits my symptoms to a T…….

Vasculitis…. It makes so much sense… I was anemic up till around 98… I have had every symptom listed for this disorder since 1978 and that was the time our surgical gloves were defective and 3 airman, myself included and 2 doctors were exposed to what ever our patients had in their body and most of them were Vietnam veterans and they carried a host of illness’…

When you do surgery on people and have your hands in their mouth’s, anything can happen… thus defective gloves and one airman got Hep C…. and me, I just got sick and they never figured it out…H Pylori was found in 1985 or there about that time,  but over time, I have been diagnosed with so many illness’, that were not correct… because no one did the proper tests… and still haven’t… 

Neurologist requested a brain MRI 5 weeks ago and I have no appointment to get one and I doubt if it will happen before Jan of next year… Yea for Americas support of veterans… How was your Veterans day off???

Anyway, the term Vasculitis fits… every symptom they list… I have, every one and have had, since at least 1978…. Does that mean that is when it started… No…

It just means that is when it first started getting documented and thankfully the military and VA gave me all the evidence I need to show how incompetent and negligent they have been since 1978…. and people wonder why veterans commit suicide… believe me, the thought is a common one… no one gives a damn, so roll over and die and that is what vets think America wants… but we are whining right???  

Want to see a whiner, look at Trump, Kavanaugh, Thomas, Graham, McConnel…. need I say more???? Those men could not stand a day in my shoes with the amount of pain I live with… they would go whinning to mommy for drugs… Bullies and cowards never do have any back bone… okay, sorry, rant finished…

The MRI the doctor wants is one of the tests they do to diagnose this disease and yes it can kill me and probably has come close already if my left side is stroke related and that is one of the issues with Vasculitis… I have so many questions and so few concrete answers… but, so far… I have been right on every diagnosis that I have made about myself… Kind of hope I am this time too…

I started baby aspirin about 15 years ago, because of the issues blood suckers were having taking my blood… something that has happened since I was in the military, never knew if it would be one stick or a bad stick in a vein they don’t normally go for, because it is so painful… that has been my life since 1978….

As for bringing down more inflammation in the body, we started turmeric in 2010, and it did help about 5% of the time…. then I started Bio-Astin the Hawaiian natural supplement that works on inflammation, this was recommended by the Neurologist and it does work… Been taking it now since May and the lab only had to hit my veins twice to draw blood, instead of 4 or 5 sticks…

Treatment for this is not on the table, the drugs involved make life worse, not better… If I am correct on this, it just means more lifestyle changes and hopefully I can stay off medications and treat myself naturally… The only bad part… It means giving up smoking pot… any kind of smoking will constrict vessels and that is already and ongoing problem as indicated by my medical records, that is if you can find health information in our medical records… my copy is mostly employee rhetoric, and that is a true story… even the surgeon gave up and started from scratch…

Federal employees must think we give a rats ass about their opinion… all they did is provide documentary evidence of bigotry and discrimination in the Veterans Health Care System… and it all comes from the employees working there…. and that is a FACT!!! I have a full copy of everything every employee put in my records, because I pissed them off… I had lots of practice growing up… told ya Margie has a mouth and a quick come back…. always has….

Yesterday was another interesting day, I remembered from 1972 back to 1967…. seems like my memories are really waking up, nearly drove Mike crazy running my mouth… But, I remembered our move from Texas to Japan to Okinawa… the years I have been fighting to get back, flooded in yesterday like a movie marathon…. think hubby was glad we went to bed, only then did I shut up….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Why Mental Health is the Worse for my PTSD….edited…

As always doing something, always trying to stay busy, when busy you don’t think as much… but, I do… a habit I picked up as a child to protect myself and that habit, let the brain wonder and do what every it wants for fun… and most of the time, it will work and take me away from what ever is bugging me… but…. not today… today, it hit me between the eyes… the aha, why mental health will never be able to truly help me as a patient…. and this is why….

What I just said about letting my brain wonder and have some fun, in other words I would let it go to a fantasy land of imagination and I would make up stories in my head and lose myself in those stories… they were actually good stories, because I could remember them and add to them… so in the sense of the words… I wrote myself my own story, so I could survive in the world around me… and it worked until 2010….

When I tried mental health here on Hawaii, the young lady was good, but, very preoccupied and unable to keep up with me, no matter how much notes the child took, she would never put the story together… I bounce from year to year and decade to decade, because to me they are all connected… to the mental health worker, it’s a puzzle they are trying to put together, but can’t, because they do not know the whole story, like I do and my hubby of 24 years….

Even tho Mike knows most of the stories about my parents and siblings… the last week or so, he has been hearing more information that he never heard before and when I connect the dots for him, he knows how the new information fits into the story I am telling….

Much like you trying to read this blog, that I cannot put in sequence, only because I cannot maintain a signal long enough for the changes to take effect…. so too is it with the mental health worker…. If I wait for her to connect the dots… I will be in my grave and now you get, why mental health cannot help me… they do not have the time to help… to many patients and not enough time in the day…

Mike has been listening to my stories for 24 years… Only in the last year, has he been able to connect the dots with the stories I already told before I got my memories back and he is now able to put the new information in the proper scenario and he can keep up…

No puzzle trying to put the information together so it makes sense… It makes sense, because he knows it by heart…. the mental health will NEVER get to that point and in that situation…. They are and really never have been good for my particular situation and thus why I gave up on them so very long ago…

When you put people in mental health counseling and only give them 30 minutes to talk… just how much progress do you think anyone will make in one year???? It just frustrated me and pissed me off for wasting my time… because I was stopped from talking, because my time was up… nothing like feeling invisible because of a stupid clock….bottom line money and time do not mix, and patients suffer…

I talk to Mike for at least a half hour EVERY DAY and he keeps up only because he is living it….

Combat veterans need more than just minutes to talk… they need someone they can rely on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… and so far all America cares about…. getting Veterans day off from work….

My aha about how little mental health is really doing in America is not a pleasant one, but one that I have experienced before…

We as a nation are letting our people down, because to have enough workers in mental health…. our kids have to be able to live through high school and so far, they are losing and so is America….

Mental health has its good points and bad points just like any other health profession… and most of the time, it’s not enough training and not enough people to do the job….

Mental illness is more pervasive than you can imagine… because when you believe in gods that have not factual basis, based solely on just stories… well funny farm here they come….

I prefer the facts and so far, Egypt has shown that the bible hasn’t told the truth yet… So in my house there is no AD or BC…. it’s strictly Before Curret Era BCE…

Reality is a cold bedfellow, but it doesn’t lie to you….and it actually makes time for you…. mental health, not so much… never did get a phone call back from the local mental health… hubby can back that up…I called twice and left a message… zero response….I am okay with that….I was already invisible….

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I Remember… Margie….