Not Exactly as Planned…

Hubby says, start dinner late… I ate my ice cream an about 10 bites of nuts and berries and I was done… all chewed out… TMJ quit and teeth said I don’t think so… and of course chocolate in it, so pups no get and hubby does… his tummy is sticking out a little right now… mine… it hurts…

Hubby bought some good medical pot, because of the surgeries, so I don’t rip my eyeball out… and today is the day, everything gets done for the down time coming…. and of course, clean sheets, as usual, here at least twice a week….

Laundry all done, bed made, except for one little problem…. missing a pillow case… machines empty, clotles line empty, laundry hamper empty….

Pull back comforter on bed and there, smack dab in the middle of that king size bed… is the pillow case….under the bottom sheet….

I pull the bedding back and look at hubby and say I’m going in… hoping not to have to rip the bed apart….

A bunch of giggling later…

We are done for the day… it is hot, muggy like a wet blanket and time to stay in the cooler part of the house….

Dinner, likely to be late tonight…. very late…..

Wonder if the cursor will disappear at the end here… it’s coming, slowly approachingg and it dissappeared in the middle of some word….

Later …it was the word misspelled…. and I can’t see the typing…. ugh!!!

Ya do what ya gotta do…. Some one has too๐Ÿ˜‚

pre op diet

This ole girl has to restrict intake in the next 24 hours….

I building my reserves……

Blueberry, blackberry, pecans, walnuts, chocolate chips an all natural vanilla ice cream with a couple local bananas…..

Yummy, lunch is on….

Wonky Vision next cataract goes bye bye…

Ya know, play on the phone or Ipad and it takes about a minute for my eyes to adjust to distance vision and not be real bad blurry….

It’s been a month since the right eye was done and up close, I got no vision clear… so readers for sure, more than likely perscription lens, because I was using tri-focals…. as for the distance in the right eye… I don’t think it’s 20/20 kind of vision… but I know I got other issues going on with my eyes and any vision is better than none….

Left eye is the worse, big black thing pops over my sight and the cataract is big and blocks vision…. so it will be interesting by the end of the week…. both eyes will be done for now…. I hope….

I really only read about the procedures… this is not a subject I have interest and of course, no desire to learn about it… funny how this brain injury did that too me… I just know, glass’s are still in my life and this time, going with the lightest frames they make…. now that I know the nerves are involved…. in my face… sorry, tired…. dreaming and up and down all night…

Seems stress does that too me and the surgery, though done it once already, still freaks me…

Other issues, raising their ugly head, stuff that I have known about… life is so very precious… every day I wake up is a gift…. nice cool walk this morning… my last for a week…. last day to pound some exercise…. next line currsor is gone…

later peeps….

Word Press Sign In AGAIN!!!

Really kids, you can’t screw things up more, unless censorship is your purpose and frankly you aren’t blocking me from anything… Twitter is loads more fun and I am lots more unfiltered…

You got me, why I had to sign in AGAIN!!!

I have NEVER signed out of this site, nor have I reset it…. and when it updates, it shouldn’t kick you out, Apple doesn’t???

You figure I run PDR, ADOBE, Win 10 pro enrcypt….not to mention the few thousand dollars worth of other software I play with…..

People treat you dumb, because they think they have a right… most brain injury peeps have dealt with this… these kids of WP… this is arrogance…

Stuff I pointed out 2 years ago, they are addressing… and I was wrong, they were right… guess that is why they fixed it 2 years later….

Blogging about my journey and memories… not any fun on this web site, when I have to dig out my code book, so I can sign in and oh go find my phone so I can authorize the sign in!!!!#$#%^$&#@$&^$#&^%#%@

Surgery this week and 2 mores lines an my cursor will be gone… dreaming, but not interested in sharing… to much frustration from this site, to write objectively… bigotry sneaks into everyones lives on occasion… mine happens to be against this site at the moment….

Oh well cursor gone, and not sure if I hit the right keys…. later peeps….

How did I live 50 years and NOT know I had a Stroke???

There are many clues, I have written about them in the blog… Basic training is the most rememberable one… my left side giving out on me in the obstacle course we had to do…

Other little things, my left leg always turning out, causing sprains and the AF, missed that one big time… the lack of sweating… the constant fatigue… the non stop back pain… the short term memory problems… all going down, while active duty… but…

It was all in my head… because to go medical, would have delayed pushing me out… to cover up the rape and attempted murder of my children on a federal installation called Vance AFB…. my heart racing, remembering my saving their lives, again…. but I’m a bad mom….

The journey to Japan and the surgeon giving me a heads up on the rest of my life, he marveled at the amount of adhesions, the AF said were not there, as they strangled my small intestines… intuition saved my ass again…

Back from traveling, settle down to a 25 year plus marriage and move to Hawaii and a young airman murders 26 in Sutherland Springs, Texas…. 2 days later…

I remembered Margie dying 50 years ago at that specific moment in time….

So much I could write about, so many stories I could tell….

If I could only see my cursor and the page tracked with the typing… oh well, later peeps….

So Much To Write… But…

I am to the point, done… over it… ready to move on an go a different route…

Hubby notices the difference… I’m not writing as much, online….

I’m not talking about it as much, to anyone….

I’m doing other things I have interest in….

I got a feeling this is how the slaves of Africa feel…

Oppressed, and suppressed….. just because someone doesn’t like your ideas, or words…. because you might offend their imaginary friend…. god…

Sigh………………………………………………………………

Amnesia for 50+ years… now that is fascinating….

How the Air Force got away with it in 67 and again in 83 and once again in 17…. so many lives lost, because our government is so good at cover up… look at Trump…. so many little indians trying and will go down in flames… and the only one not to go to jail….. Trump…. like selling your soul to a god, so you don’t have to own your life….exactly what christians and all religions do… as a matter of fact…..

Bottom of page is here, cursor will disappear an I will have to remember every word and wonder how letter perfect….

I do have vision… and will lose it again in a couple days due to surgery…. so looking forward to this next month passing quickly…. just as quickly as my cursor is about to disappear…

Yep, it’s gone and so am I …. Now this is a way to censor….

good job Word Press….

Word Press Sign in AGAIN???!!! really???

I give up… ya know, it wasn’t much money… but it’s still my money and getting ripped off by DISH or DIRECT or AT&T or Verizon…. any of them… you learn… and you find it’s a necessary evil…

Not so with this blog…

This has been fun, interesting, liberating and most of all….

UNDER YOUR SKIN… type of experience… your skin, not mine…

That itch was erased 11/7/17 for me…..

The sign in and password for this site… aren’t hard, but one that I haven’t memorized…

Sometimes the brain injury is it’s own police force and after so many sign in’s last year… it revolted and won’t imprint the information an it never will, knowingly…. that’s the luxury of having a condition…. and I use mine…

The condition that is…

I had planned to write, but the bottom of the screen is fast approaching and the cursor will disappear and this is such a nice cool day…. I think what ever I do today, it won’t involve this web site…. such a shame… not for me…. but for you…..

Well cursor gone and I have better things to do….

Later….

REALLY WORD PRESS???

Switching out of my ancestry program an into Word Press…

FYI, multiple processors, T, not G of memory, yada, yada… and…

Word Press wants me to sign in!!!!

I NEVER SIGNED OUT!!!! EVER…….

So jump on Ipad, why!!!

Because I have vision!!! Wonky at moments, cause left is still cataract impacted… but just spent a hour playing ancestry…an had just a little trouble seeing print….

But really Word Press we have passed 40 sign ins for this year…an I never left the building….

What a mess you have kids have made of things….

Writing or blogging, no longer enjoyable… was that the point????

Double Rainbows…

Sat down at my desk, looked outside and see a double rainbow…

Hawaii has some of the most awesome rainbows…

They just remind you how little we humans really are…

The suns rays refracting on the clouds and rain….

Nature our only god and ruler… because if truth be known…

There is no winning an argument with nature…

To bad the greedy people ruining our planet don’t get that… but their god will stop the climate change, end mass murders and stop drug over doses….

and I have a bridge in the middle of the pacific for sale….

Rainbow just got more intense….

Gorgeous….

Wonder how long before my cursor disappears??? I put the settings on that block thing….

Like I said repeatedly, I learn by repitition… have had to do that since the Boob incident and the strangulation…. I just love me some remembering….

Yep cursor gone…

Later…

Trumps chrisitan scam is not the worse thing to happen in America….

Where do you start, with the worse that has happen to our nation???

Civil War??? A nation divided over slavery and that is still ongoing… because christians want to tell this American Veteran what she can or cannot do with HER OWN BODY????

Was it when we sent thousands of Jews back to be murdered???

Was it when the cons on Wall Street got away with it and caused the great depression???

Was it when we got involved with other countries battles in WWI & WWII???

Was it when we segregated our troops, because of ingrained bias of skin color, which is still going on today???

Was it when a young deranged man killed children at Sandy Hook???

Was it Collumbine???

Was it Vegas and the death of many???

Was it the 26 who died by a Airman’s hands in Texas???

What is the worse thing to happen to America???

Religion….

Well there went my cursor several sentences ago…

Writing is no long an enjoyment on Word Press, it’s a nightmare….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Ancestry….edit

I enjoy the research, and for some reason, I can see, wonder how long that will last… I spent the last half hour looking at the family from Ireland…

According to DNA, we are mostly British/Irish and French/German…. and no matter how many times I research, we are related to royalty… a long line of it… some good, some not so great….

What I find interesting… the number of close family members, Uncles mainly… buried in foreign lands… dying during WWI & WWII…. Haven’t found any for Korea or Vietnam…

Finding their graves, getting a picture of it… makes me want to travel to those places…. and I think of the many men I know that have already died… all of them veterans… all of them suffering from depression… and the violence… oh my… the violence…. how do I know…

It was my dad and his brothers… all veterans, but one… and even he was violent… the depression left their parents wanting and those kids, my parents and uncles made sure the message was carried forward to their families… and the damage is so great… and the bigotry and hate so deep….

Ancestry can make you smile, but mostly, it reminds me of the suffering that came to be… before I was born and I am reminded daily….

Not even I can catch a break… Life is hard, it’s meant to be… that is how we learn and grow… as long as you don’t dummy your mind down with superstitions or religion….

Yep, this blog thing is a royal pain… no cursor, no view of my typing and I am having to use my old trick of when I typed court docs that had to be letter perfect… picture every word in my mind… did a 10,000 word document letter perfect for court… it was required to be letter perfect…MagCards have no way to correct and those were not fun machines…

Night folks… I am over this web site… I am enjoying playing on the ancestry web site… more fun than this…

You are not alone….

Sitting on the bunker on Naha, and the kid, named Wayne told me his dreams and fears… as they waited to ship out to Vietnam….

Randy the tunnel rat, would get animated talking about entering the tunnel first…knowing any time could be his last… his eyes vacant, voice excited….

John… wanted so much out of life, he asked me to marry him as he was leaving for Vietnam…

Each of these guys were dealing with depression… young, knowing tomorrow could be the last tomorrow… fighting a war they didn’t volunteer for…

I didn’t serve during war time… my short stint was during one of our few periods of peace… and so many of my patients were dealing with depression, because of a war, not of their making…

Some would talk… and talking was a step towards healing… most of the time, it was silence… to painful to remember what they saw and did….

Last year we lost 325 veterans to suicide… voices that screamed for help, but none came….

Help is there, call the suicide prevention hot line for your area… talk… someone will hear you… someone does care….

I remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Had to revert

Change setting to show latest blog an what a fucking mess this Word Press really is….

This is old news, this behavior…

I will be watching….. an waiting for my opportunity to expose…

Think I learned nada working for corrupt federal employee christians???

How do you think I got you to pay for my lifestyle???

Have a nice day….

Goggled complaints about Word Press….

Okay, lesson learned… not sure what I will do next… right now, to busy with the eye surgeries to give a shit….

So rant and do the norm for now… but after goggle search on complaints about this mess….

Obviously the reviews I read, were bogus when I signed up….

Oh well…. it’s not a fortune… but I won’t be renewing my account with this company and will spend the next 12 months, since I am paid till next year….

LOOKING for anything but this kind of headache….

Hot outside… muggy, oh my is it muggy… our daughter sent us pictures of snow back home… had me laughing… we just got back from our mile walk and were hot and thirsty….

Ya know, I say some things… just to see what kind of reaction…..

So far, not been disappointed… it will help with the book… the perspective of the religious biased… what happen to using the brain you were born with that is atheist??? Why silver tongues, thats what… so I will leave you with…

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to decide to use the brain they have and not live based on other peoples distorted bigoted, frigid, virgin ideas… grow some, you might like it… oh well there went the cursor…

later folks….

When Christians throw you away….

Ya know… I have a wealth to write about, instead, I have been putting it on the PC away from prying eyes… why???

Because of this web site and it’s ongoing non stop problems…

Now is it censorship??? You got me…

All I know, I can’t type a blog that goes past the bottom of my screen, the program does not track the typing and you are blind… can’t see what I typed, can’t fix issues, can’t correct verbs… nada, zip… finished…

So when Word Press decides to put my settings back to what they were to begin with… the chances of me putting anything other than a rant on this site…

Nada, zip, zero, no thank you…. Elvis has left the building…..

I could write 6 1/2 decades of information about “Christians” throwing their family members away….. and why they do it…. and those answers have not changed since white man’s religion came on the scene in England because the Roman emperors where royalty from those courts… I know… I related to the goof balls of history… told ya ancestry research is what I am doing, because this blog issue is no longer worth my time except to rant…. and any second my cursor will be below the screen and I won’t know what I typed unless I remember every word verbetum… uh TBI’s, short term memory issues… not happening and bye bye cursor….

Later peeps….

Censoring… edited….

I put a tag on the last blog an you got it, it is gone an it had the words…. Word Press can’t recommend….

Sad when humans play god, life has a habit of bitch slapping those humans….

Not sure how much more BS I care to put up with…

Writer…. freedom of speech is selective with god lovers, so are human rights….

I’ll just troll for your obituary…….negative actions always come home to roost….

Sharpened Knives… NO No no….

Not wanting to waste money, we sharpen our knives, instead of buying a good carving set, until after we move…

Welllllll I forgot hubby made a ton of noises with that machine an was prepping the fresh veggies for storage and instead of slicing into the bell… I sliced up the finger…. me and sharp objects never a good idea…. especially when YOU can’t SEE!!!!

Naturally its a nice slice and will take time to heal, because my hands are always getting washed… oh yea…

Thought about playing with the blog, to see if I can figure out why the blocks are not toggling with the page and not moving with the cursor… but why bother… censorship, through negligence… mine or the manufacturer… no clue… and too tired to give a crap about putting anything on the blog…

You see that is what frustration can do to ya, an let depression walk beside it, it’s got ya… me…

I can’t see and don’t feel like frustrating myself, because this company is censoring me… my birth family did it my whole life and still are…

That is what religion does to democracy…an thinking your shit don’t stink… lol, true story….

Garlic farm… moat…. upside down cross’s… garlic rosary…. lots of pointed stakes and there went the cursor… later peeps…

WP disappoints…

Not much of anything works right on this Hemingway theme thing…

I tried going into customize and change some things, and it just kept hanging up and going in circles…

So much of the app does not work even in the basic form…

No other App I have, has an issue with my operating system… just this one…

Surgery very soon, and what vision I got, will be gone.. the right is getting to a place of working… but it comes and goes and I was told it’s normal…my glass’s are useless except as readers and not very good there either and I tried readers at the store, not going to happen… my skull is small and that has always been border line on kids glass’s or womens’ real small size frames… store bought not available….

Went back into my ancestry research… the family tree is a 100 shy of 12,000 people…. traced back to Holy Roman Emperor times of 860BCE (before current era)…. or is it AD… always confuses me how they label time.. gives me something to do as I recover from this last eye surgery……

Hot… the new sun shades take the heat on the west side… should help to keep the house a little cooler so the AC isn’t working overtime…

No clue what I’ll do about this blog thing…. I have the writing program, just got to play with it… that may be on the list of things to do, after next weeks eye surgery….

Well there went my cursor out of sight as I type and I have to be fully focused on each and every word in my minds eye…

Have a nice evening… what a waste of money… makes writing a chore, not an enjoyment… typical of the darker side of life….

.

Holy Hades….We hot on Hawaii….

You get tired of the news and go for anything…mine… animal planet… though that otter squeals as loud as Trump… just saying…

Docs office gave me fancy eye drops… new kind, so the dosage and tasks are different… can only imagine what they costs….. but I did request VA fill my script…

Flu shot day… didn’t even feel it… though my arm is sore now… so, busy… Mike is out hanging a couple new sun shades on the west side of the house… they don’t insulate homes here, so these shades drop the temp about 3 to 5 degrees and AC is blasting….

Dreaming again… got me out of bed a couple of times… ghosts of memories and they center around Texas…. that is one PTSD moment I would really like to put to rest… the night Margie died….

Went to the Teak store… planning on taking a dinning table and chairs home with us and a couple other pieces… hope prices don’t climb too much, they are already increasing shipping costs across the board… food is ridiculous….

We are seeing more properties up for sale… this bodes ill for us… buyers market for sure…

Told eye surgeon I saw him do the lens and he got all exicted and asked questions… and I thought I was the geek… it was fun… he says what I saw was the lens as he injected it into place and it unfolded… explains the prisms I saw…

Also got the bills except the hospital and out of pocket so far about $500…. not bad, but hospital hasn’t come in yet…

Well there went the screen, no clue what I type and if It’s right, yada yada, yawn… So later peeps…

I Remember… Margie…

WP sign in AGAIN???

Okay, Uncle, WTF, UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… honestly, just refund my money and I will go quietly in the night to some other site or just write on the PC… I mean I got options….

I GOT ZERO OPTIONS WITH THIS SITE!!!!

I have lots of fun on twitter… the blog, eh… I can do the same on the PC….

I just like getting under your skin…..

Kissing emoji here….. with a Ass…..

Writing on this blog???

Don’t get it, don’t understand it… I played with the customize tool the other day, but didn’t change the way it is suppose to type or format or anything….

So why the page would not become toggle with the writing… is a basic programming issue….

Setting don’t work as they should and this goofy app is nothing like any writing soft ware I have ever used…

And why is it I have had to sign into my own blog up to 40 times now this year alone, and I never signed out?????

The only application or program I have issue with… the one that is working to block my freedom of speech….

Word Press…

Don’t Get It??? Don’t Understand It???? and am really tired of it…

Eye surgery coming up soon… figured I would have doc call in the script to the VA and if it comes I won’t have to use the one from the surgeon’s office an it can go to a patient that can’t afford the expensive stuff… I can, but damn, $400 + for .05 oz of eye drops… just wow…..

So far this goofy thing is working… but I haven’t gotten to the bottom of my screen yet…. ya know I was using a Magcard back in the 80’s after typewriters starting phasing out and from there straight into computers and programming and nope… can’t see the typing as I do it… the program is not tracking the text….

Have a nice night peeps… I am out of here and if they don’t fix this soon… I won’t be on this blogging either….

I Remember when a product sold was worth it’s salt…now you are lucky if you get the product at all….

Damn I still can type letter perfect… when not stoned…

Medicare and dumping VA death care….

Just a heads up to anyone doing what I am… going with their medicare, instead of using the VA….

IF you do what I am and you go in for surgeries, and you need medication…. make sure your doctor can order from VA… if they can not… request your VA doctor, be it VA facility or private VA… to fill your perscriptions for any surgeries and they usually will if they have to do a physical for that surgery….

You want to do this at least 2 weeks in advance so that the perscriptions get to you in time…

For cataract surgery, I got a wake up call today…. to pay for the eye drops and we are talking generic, over $500 for the 3 eye drops needed…. one of them was over $400 at walmart…. my surgery is in a few days and its either pay for the drops or cancel surgery….

My eye surgeons office gave me a sample for the 1 drop that was over $400 and hopefully I won’t have to open it and can give it back for another patient….

You see, I didn’t miss my eye, but twice during the past month of doing the medications for the right eye… so I am reasonably sure I have enough already on hand to do this next surgery…. the VA gave me 2 bottles of 1 script… and only 1 of the expensive one… go figure… the steroid one, I forgot to get filled to begin with an it was not that bad, about $41…. good RX didn’t have the spendy stuff covered….

Anyway, word press is messed up and I can’t see the bottom of my screen and have to hope my typing is dead on correct…

I am over this fucked up web site….

Pitter patter, how little Washington corruption matters….

6 plus decades on this planet…. and kids, still know everything….

Only problem… those hippie kids are now in congress and the game of snake oil and smoke and mirrors is common place…. and when someone is truly honest….

They are the worse of people…. and you can thank christians and all religion for that problem….

I listen to some of the hearing this morning, as it was the only thing on…. and I kept hearing them thank him for being an officer… which brought back memories of the officers I worked with who used my body for their pleasure… and nearly lost the coffee… so I vented… on twitter and WP….

The sky is not falling, the world is not coming to an end and those in congress know for a fact… they have measures in place to protect the nation… but Trump… oh boy is that traitor pushing those boundaries… and he will never serve time in jail…. they are lying to us in congress…. he is above the law… they made it so, none of them would ever go to jail…. check out how it works with judges… talk about above the law….

So how will all this impact any of us… most of us, will deal with higher prices, shortages and those who haven’t lived through that yet… what a fun ride that is…. walmart knock out will become common place…..

and word press is fucking up and I can’t see what I typed…

You kids have a great day… censorship alive and well when you tell the truth!!!

Really word press???

No clue what is happening with this site now… tried to load the customizer and the program went tits south….

There are other glitches I see on a regular basis… but honestly when you deal with kids who know everything like Trump….

This is the kind of service you get…. a con is a con….

One of these days I will sit down and review all the data feed, when I can see small crap again!!!!

I remember when a product stood the test of time… not anymore!!!

Had to sign in, just to access the blog, that I wrote in an hour ago…….

WTF????????????

So much for writing what I had thought about!!!!

Capitol Hill Entertainment…. officer and gentlemen???

I thought when I worked protocol on Japan, I had seen it all…

Drunk Senators and Representatives spending your tax dollars to have a good time… that HAC was investigated a few lost re-election and many had to repay the government… not much mind ya, DOD ate the expense… military their to cover up the dirt… and it is happening again with Mcguire….

I kept hearing the interviewers thank Mcguire for his service as a “Officer”… that BS about officer and gentlemen….

Let me tell you about a group of officers at Vance AFB, 1980 off base, Enid, OK a 3 Bdrm 2 bath home in a development….

That is about all I remember, after being served a drink that was drugged…..

I remember the men, coming in the room taking their turn…. but I was so drugged, moving wasn’t part of the scenario….

When I reported the incident… the supervisor said this to me….”What did you do to invite such behavior”….. I turned and left the room….

That is a “Officer and Gentleman”…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

It was a Dark & Stormy Night…..

Is the sky falling in your neck of the woods???

Start the day with breaking news and after a while, you just got to quit watching and find something, anything… but Trump…..

Lions & Tigers & Bears, oh my….

Do we lock the doors now and throw away the keys or do we start hiding the money under the mattress??? most don’t have box springs anymore…

Do we go out the door armed to the teeth????

I am old enough to remember… Johnson, Nixon, Clinton and now Trump….

Ya know, I got enough drama in my first 17 years of life to last me 100 life times…

Trump and his base… are just fodder for the cocktail hour....

We sipped our drinks over the others that I mentioned…. though Johnson, I be a little young for that drink….

Since Reagan was in office the writing was on the wall for the republican corruption… dealt with it first hand when the HAC came to Yokota AFB…. I never looked at Senators or Representatives the same way again…. they bleed just like you and me…some just a little greener than red….

Anyone who would listen to me over the decades would be going about now… Mags was right…. again…. and it gets old being right all the time… but I don’t buy into superstitions or gods… so mental illness, not in my backyard… I been tested…. neaner neaner….. an more than once….

Nothing happening in politics will have any real impact on me… the only thing that has me spooked… the economy, and I have yet to be wrong on that and yep you got it… I am freaked and trying to get ready for what is coming…. the last one, was a rough one to survive… this time… it’s just sit back and wait for it to pass…. and it will, but not till lots of bad happen first and you can thank Trump and his base….

Tomorrow should be an interesting morning for coffee… may not make it too pain time before I smoke a bowl… I may have to start the day off with one, just to keep from laughing my ass off at the stupidity in Washington and the corruption of religion….

Makes ya wonder… Will women ever have a say over their OWN body???

Not while religion is the primary superstition and men like Trump and his base push slavery….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… just look at the population now… most bat shit crazy with mental illness….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Monkey see…. Monkey did…. Trump & Christians selling America to the highest bidder….

Wow… living on Hawaii… you get your news a little later than those on the mainland… and when your day starts with Trump bragging about breaking laws and abusing power all the while swearing he is a christian…. I mean just wow…..

Not even 8AM and the TV is on “How the States got their shapes”….

I would rather educate myself with facts about our nation, than buy into bull shit about traditions and christians trying to rape and steal our freedoms…..

That garlic farm…. I tell ya, that moat…. just push’s me to look at lots of acreage, in the middle of no place and start that garlic farm and dig that moat….

But at the rate Trump & christians are polluting our planet…. nothing will grow, the planet will tilt thanks to all that concrete China is laying and water…. Water, we will be out there doing a rain dance and hoping it rains…. because ground water will be to polluted to touch….

That is what I think christians and Trump are doing to our planet…. America is just the starting point…. want to talk about your mythical anti christ…. yep, you suckers fell for him hook line and sinker…. just so you can tell women what they can do with their bodies….

Hope it was all worth it…. me… I’ll be on that garlic farm, hoping humans come back to humanity… but not if their man made god has a say….

I Remember a time when freedoms fought for, and died for…. meant something……..

Never Again!!!

Just had a good old fashion southern dinner…

Fried chicken, mashed taters, green peas an twisted knot yeast bread….an oh am I a good cook….

I was hungry, an partials were okay with that….

Get done, start fixing things to clean up an bend over and oh my, it was a struggle not to lose dinner….

One thing about hiatal hernias that slide, you chew thoroughly and, still missing teeth on the partial, because of the VA, so eating is a challenge…

Of course I am going to swallow larger bites because of the partial and that created a instant problem when I bent over… food was still transversing an the autonomic spasm was breath taking in its pain….

Heart rate off chart, body sweats from the spasm an pain so bad, I scared the dogs with my scream….

This is what a federal thin skin employee at the Hawaii Hilo VA office is doing to me…. Implants requested May 2018….

3 active duty members on a ship took their lives in a weeks time… Active duty!!! The christian bogus politicians are no better than Trump!!! They can not even take care of our active duty, let alone vets like me… Remember that, a christian president is promoting turning America into another Nazi state….. just because you profess his religion, means nada to any idol worshiper, an that cross is one big idol…..

Sg USAF DAV I Remember Margie…

Silence, no longer deafening….

Out doing our 3,000 steps for the morning…. and I noticed that, again, we were both very quiet….

I brought up a fluff subject, it went no where…. so the walk continued in easy silence….

It wasn’t always that way… Other than telling Mike my stories over the decades… and normal everyday stuff… I didn’t motor mouth much…. until….

Nov 7, 2017 when I remembered the night Margie died…. Big Springs, Texas… 1967….. just about 50 years exactly….. 50 years of amnesia….

Though I appreciate what the neurologist said, that there was no apparent brain damage that would impede my regaining all my memories…. it sure isn’t happening fast or in great detail….

Though I say I only remember so much… that is a misnomer… I remember quite a bit, it’s the specifics… that elude me… you know the video editing mode… where you view it in detail… and there in lies the problem….

The details….

Why is the silence not deafening… my brain is to busy digesting all that is opening up…. the specifics that I am looking for, those are more buried and the layers of protection I put in place after the Japan beating and stroke… those are harder to over come….

Our walks may be quieter…. but both of us are lost in our thoughts as we walk this journey together…..

I Remember… Margie Sgt. USAF DAV

Required Body Maintenance

No there are no options on this matter… Figured that out many decades ago… long before I figured out I had neuropathy or any of the other damage to my organs and body, let alone the brain….

I talked about instincts and many a time I ignored them, especially in personal matters or money, learned the lesson and worked not to repeat it… but with the body, wow….

After we left Arkansas, I started working on my physical health… I had gotten up to a weight of 185, if memory serves me…. Mike passed that…

Upon moving to New Mexico… the dry heat, the mild winters down by the border where we lived, made for good walking weather….

We started walking a couple of miles every day and the house had a in ground pool and we made use of that…. things started to feel better and the aha moment happened…. by this time I had stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory and had an evaluation at El Paso VA…

Come 2011, and things were changing… sleep, diet, attitude… it’s been a long road… still on it though… even falling off a few times….

I remember the Osteopathic military doctor doing the same thing PT did this year and I was afraid of PT… It hurt back in 78…. and it hurt this year when I saw PT… but the result, amazing….

PT taught me much this year and I have asked to go back… I still have weakness and my knees, both go out on me and I have damage to the upper torso muscle area, the neck, the thighs, you name it… I need some more help…. yesterday the pain in my foot buckled me to the floor, freaked out Mike… but it happens and it’s all realted to…..

Neuropathy… the demon that is Autonomic and peripherial…. since I was a child…. thanks Freda….

Adapting to these conditions and making them work for me is painful… but every time I go out the door and stay on my feet and I can keep my spine straight… that is a good day… but there are days, where that spine won’t stand up, because of something pulled, twisted, knotted or nerves are going ballistic…. it’s what I live with daily since I was 5 years old…

Keeping the perspective on what I can control and when the pot comes in handy… makes this tolerable… not great… but liveable…

Kind of looking forward to next week, when they operate on my other eye… a few hours of not knowing I am in pain…. so easy to get addicted to stuff like that… but I’ll pass… when you already died and saw darkness, going back there is not top on my list….

I Remember… Margie….

Getting a Rythm…..

Rythm, never thought I was all that good at it… I can read music, play a little piano, used to have a voice, that is long gone… and dance, at one time I could, but that didn’t last long either…. body didn’t like it…

But the rythm I am working on…. normal… as much as normal as I can get, what ever that may be… as normal was never and has never been part of my existence….

Like this morning… I could smell the coffee cooking at 4:45AM and went ahead and got up… we do hit the bed about 9PM… so it’s not all that early….

It was a bad night for sleep… we are working more foods into our diet and its hit or miss with me, because of the mass adhesions I have in my gut and my IC… so between adhesions, IBS & IC… add a Hiatal hernia… food and I are and never have been the best of friends and I am finding… some foods should only be eaten once in a while…

Even though it was a bad night and I woke up in discomfort… it didn’t impact my day negatively… something I have been working on since 2010…. long before I new I was missing memory or years…..

Instincts are our most important tool that evolution has given us… and it’s up to us, to hone those tools….

So I am working on a rythm of positive outlook, which will dictate my day… which prepares me for going out and about, during this time of turmoil on Hawaii… the bigotry is ripe….

Cloudy, wet, so humid, we are keeping AC on for the next few days… so ready for fall to hit us in November…if we are lucky… could be a hot fall this year….

Time to go walk the pups and see if the ocean is visible… expecting lots of rain today…..

I Remember… Margie….

Popeye… you lied….edited

With the vision being a major issue, it’s use the memory system and review what I have read… and one of the things that popped into my grey cells… was a memory from my active duty time… and in my military records, in 1978, it states I said…”my back has always hurt”…. and it still does, even with the exercises…. and it didn’t start until the near death in Texas, 1967…. death because someone had to have sex…. yea for humans….

There are days I would love to just stomp, beat, pulverize those who did this to my body, before I made 15 years old… over 50 years of this non stop pain and issues… and no one, not one doctor had a clue in my adult years… because….

I didn’t have a clue, because….. the living are as silent as the grave I keep trolling the obituaries for…. true story… no revenge… justice… my point of view, justice… and all they ever had to do… OWN their lives… never happen as long as god is in the picture… easier to hide that way in plain sight….

The pain the last few days in the TMJ on both sides, is telling of the headaches that run the line of the Trigeminal nerve… and the more I recognize the pattern, the more I am sure the nerve has been an issue since the near death in Texas….. dent in skull could be a clue to… lol…yep I acutally chuckled on that one…okay so I am twisted… I gots a condition….

You get freaked over the amount and location of the pain… so much internal damage that I have had forever, which can kill me at anytime… per the surgery on Japan after my discharge… ticking time bomb….

Over whelmed with it all, the mental part, the physical part, the current health issues that the VA created… again…. trying to gain control over all of it and not go off, half cocked… progress… so much progress, in such little time…

I have only been remembering 22 months now…. the strokes and near death, almost 9 months now…. knowledge… knowledge would have allowed me to thrive, when I was younger… but people are playing god, so they can hide in plain sight…okay that is Trump & Kavanaugh….

The pain has to be addressed, so pain meds taken… pot helps, but I can only do that for so long and it doesn’t impact anything… except my thought process….

I do the exercises for the body… the TMJ, I only know one and do it daily…. as long as I can manage the pain… the VA is not winning….

As long as I don’t quit working on this journey to remember…. the family is not winning….

Sounds like a challenge……

Hmmmmm….Challenge accepted…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Love & Marriage….

25 years working at it… sometimes just cruising along, how ya doing… everything okay…. sometimes lovey dovey… lets get togehter and sometimes…. heated and pissed, because we each have our own demons….

Love & marriage… the concept really is a chore…

If you go back an look at the history of life that is recorded… not the bible either… best piece of fiction out there, but, I am talking real recorded history, that can be proven….

Marriage has been around from the get go or at least some form of it…

Some arranged, to keep kingdoms from killing each other off…. or just so you can get an extra cow or pig…. children married to men and if you look at history, it’s always female “Children”, married off to Men… not much has changed thanks to Trumps base… white mans slavery alive an well… telling me what I can do with MY BODY!!!.

They say about 50 years ago, marriage started evolving into a partnership… I have to agree… after 6 tries at the institution…. it takes a partnership….

Though I love my hubby to pieces… he is not above or below me… he walks beside me… one of the few men I respect on this planet… in fact, thinking about it, he is the only man I know that I respect….. wow, that’s a shocker….

Over time, he got the message I wasn’t property and by our 2nd decade together… I knew he was a keeper… we are equals….

There are days I want to kick his ass, and since he owned his issue… that is less often, still happens, but I annoy him too… just saying…..

For me, our marriage isn’t about the sex, the money or the hard work we both put into it… it’s about respecting each other enough, to never put each other on a pedistal and just own our lives…

It doesn’t get much better than that…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Hubby is a Stinker!!!

He just went out to cut grass again, and he made the comment as he gave me a peck… I never moved last night… him… not me…. the stinker!!!

It’s not fair… I want to scream and yell… but I can tell you when the bed and I became mortal enemies….

I was 13…. and I died…. and they covered up all that bad that happened… the Air Force buried it, because I was just a kid and I wasn’t suppose to remember anything….

Surprise………………………………………

By the time we got to Japan and I pissed off Freda and they beat me into another stroke… life was and has never been the same… that was 51 years ago….

It was branded into my brain… the pain, the non stop pain, internally and externally…..

Funny, I just thought of basic training and the way I was treated, just because I was military already from being a dependent daughter… knowledge is not appreciated among women at that time… and they let their bigotry show proudly… but I wanted to serve, so I bite my tongue and did what I needed to pass basic… even with a broken body and a baby only 2 months old… I passed basic…

I look in the mirror now and am grateful for the lines, sagging skin… because no one sees a pretty woman anymore… but they think they are looking at a healthy one…

You learn to hide your issues, when you are told repeatedly it’s all in your head… my peers, got zero respect for them….

It’s a solitary life I have lived, even though I am always surrounded by people….

Can you go one week, without looking at another person or yourself and not judge????

It takes practice, it takes a desire, to not be bigoted, even towards ones self…….

Actions speak so much louder than words… which is why when someone tells me they are christian it begs the question, why do I need to know??? It’s not my life that is being labeled christian it is yours and it is up to you to live it and own it and you never can… when you have to advertise your faith…

I make no bones about being atheist…. why????

Because we are BORN atheist…..

Hubby out cutting grass, me, I got to exercise, so maybe by body will let me sleep tonight… already had all the heat I can handle, so prisoner of the AC house it is….

Have a gorgeous day…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and how she could sleep, before they killed her….

CBC and Supplements… what not to take….

My aha moment came this morning… been going over the conversation with the doctor this week, yea, I remember it, almost verbetum… so this memory thing is spooking me… anyhow….

I take Bioastin… it’s a Hawaiian supplement they discovered and we have been on it for over a year… and this had stuff in it, along with other supplements I take that interfer with a CBC….

I remember a sign at one of the labs, if you take Biotin or B vitamins… it will impact thyroid tests and other blood work….. AHA…..

I take a couple thousand units or MG of B, C, D, A, BioAstin, Multi, Krill, CoQ10, Folic acid, B12, Super B complex… think that is all of them an half of these interfer with blood work…these are all taken because of the beatings I recieved as a child… it is all for the Autonomic and Peripherial neuropathy….

The reality of my blood work, it was awesome…..

My cholesterol for me, was good… both Ldl & Hdl….. my blood sugar, white count, everything, but the one level on the thyroid and it struck the doctor and I both odd, and I was in PTSD motor mouth mode, so, wasn’t going to get the answer in the office… it just took me a couple days to figure it out…. tadah…………..

I will request a checkup in November and get blood done again, with full CBC and that time I will skip my supplements for 24 hours per the literature on blood testing at the lab……

Eyesight… still got some glob behind my new lens and he’ll take care of that with a laser in his office…. next week last post op and it’s my pre-op for the next eye surgery… still freaked over seeing him remove my lens in my right eye… plan to tell cutie gas passer, just a touch more… I want to sleep thru this one…

Headaches, just the usual tension ones and the ones I have always had, from the areas of my skull that received impact….

Diet… eating is a struggle… if I am careful, I do okay, the bone is not as painful as it was for the last few years… but it’s sore, because of the partial… maxillary and mandible…

but graves on Kauai is more important than taking care of a living veteran….. triple sigh……………………………….

Hot an muggy, we went for our walk and were drenched and it’s not 8AM…. house closed, AC on, we slept thru the roosters…. this AC will freeze you out… I finally realized I had the setting on economy and changed it to regular, now I have to grab a throw to put over my legs in the living room… rest of house is comfortable during the day, not cold, but at night…. you are under a blankie…..go figure I sabotaged us on selling…. helps to see the green lights on the unit…. lol…..but that electric bill will push $400, I am betting, so a surprise would be nice if less….

We are getting so much rain, now fall has started and for us that means, late October before we cool down…. and everything is growing so fast, Mike is cutting grass for the 3rd time this week….. this I will miss, watching nature at it’s best…. though we saw 6 road kills yesterday… all but 1 was a wild goat… where are you going to go on an island that a few minutes slower drive matters???

Day started, much to do, before it gets to hot to do it…. rain expected, and my attitude to keep working on….

grave yard versus health care… Sen Shatz, you really disappoint this veteran….

Sgt. USAF DAV MAP

You can’t hate, what you don’t know…

Listening to the morning news… Shatz gets Kauai $300,000 for a graveyard for veterans… guess that is cheaper than taking care of the living veterans like me…

The rectocell procedure is failing and I am having issues with the IBS and the HH and the damaged flap on my esphogus from the strangaltion at 8…. sigh…………… I took it out by yelling this morning and tweeting…. double sigh…..

My memories are not like yours…. they are vivid as if I was watching a DVD movie…. they never change, alter or quit early…. the memory always plays out the same way…. violent…..

The damage done to my body… nothing can be done about it… but to hear on the news that my Senator gets money for a graveyard and I am fighting to keep this last major surgery from failing…

It’s taking it’s toll….

So, I turn the TV off, go about my day… knowing just because some college educated dumb ass, thinks dead veterans are more important than LIVING veterans….

Nothing new there…. just look how Trump pimps out our military….

The title of this write… you can’t hate, what you don’t know….

No one has asked me, that was there, what I do remember…..

Think about it….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

And yes they read the blog, it got under their skin so fast, it’s still itching…..

Mauna Kea…..

Today we had to drive over the mountain to go to Kona…. and of course we had to drive through the area that the demonstrators are destroying… and frankly, what was once a beautiful, pristine place…. it’s garbage, tents, tarps, tin shacks… nothing beautiful about it and the people… oh my…. lets talk about the people…

As a person who was raised in a military family and we were lucky if we spent more than 2 years any place… last time I counted I went to quite a few schools around the world and states….

I was on Japan in the 60’s and met bigotry and hate head on… people walking around burned from the atomic bomb… not a pretty sight… but it just made me offer more kindness…

Went from Japan to Okinawa and we had riots and burning vehicles outside our hotel… base housing couldn’t come soon enough and we were escorted to our school bus by security military police….

Moved to Italy as an adult and down near Aviano… people didn’t like Americans…. we were assigned to a remote site up in the mountains and the people, made us feel like family… a little town called Colle Isarco…. near Breener pass….

Went back to Japan in the 80’s and it was so westernized… you felt like you were in LA or SF…. tied died hair and all…we were not noticeable…..

Expericened bigotry in Arkansas… mostly out of lack of education…. moved on to New Mexico and we met some of the nicest people in El Paso…. the bangers were the worse in New Mexico….

Move to Hawaii and from the first minute I step off the plane… I have experienced bigotry… and that was over 3 years ago…

Today was no different… No matter how many people I made eye contact with and offered a smile and greeting, I got hostility back…. even in Costco by employees… the posion from Mauna Kea has leeched into the fabric of Hawaii, like the flu….

No shot available for what is happening here on the island…. and kindness and respect has zero value….

Hawaii is like many other places I have lived, where the natives are not happy or what ever group of people who think they have been slighted… and they take it out on everyone that doesn’t look like them……………………

The nicest people I met today, outside of Costco as we waited for the doors to open, they struck up a conversation…. both as non Hawaiian as you can get… but love living here and wouldn’t leave for nothing…. I wish I felt the same….

Who ever the people are that are providing financial support for the demonstrators… I hope with all I am, life deals you a wake up call….

Homes are up for sale, that people just moved into… because jobs were lost, because of the demonstrators… business are closing their doors… because of the demonstrators…. and parents are having to tell their kids, they have to leave their friends and move to the mainland… because of the demonstrators…

So supporters of the demonstrators… your ignorance will be you downfall… I truly feel for those, we see struggling…. because a few think their rights out weigh the rights of the many…. just a FYI over 70% of the population on the islands, supports the building of the telescope….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. a time when Aloha meant something… Not anymore…..

Climate education…

Kids want to be taught about climate….

Christians want you to believe their man made god is in control of climate???

Conflict the brain an you will have more addicts than kids learning the truth about our existence and gods have zero to do with our evolution…

But mans god has everything to do with destroying our only home…planet earth…

You can not fix stupid with kids when you tell them gods are real, just so you can keep your skelton filled closet private at the worlds expense…

I remember Margie….

Luck of the Draw….

Ever play straws as a kid…. and who ever got the shortest or longest had to do the deed or dare???

Life is like that in so many ways… the luck of the draw…. why???

Because you have no control over anyone else’s choices… just your own… and even that, doesn’t guarantee things will work out the way you want or expect… Life just doesn’t work that way….

I go back to the time of Nixon and his hookum and think Trump learned well or its just the luck of the draw, because he conned so many people with his false promises….

Working on that positive attitude and thought process, was a daily part of life, because I wore a uniform and had no say over my life for those years… and because I trusted my peers… the luck of the draw… I was honorably discharged…. and am now 100% DAV service connected… oh yea…. my peers tried to make sure I got nothing… rape and attempted murder is hard to hide, when it’s done in plain sight…. truth does win, once in a while…

Luck of the draw… so many times I made choices and I look back and ask myself….”where was my head at, up my ass???”

Sometimes my choices worked out okay, lots of time, it was just pure dumb luck things turned out the way they did…

No mystic ghosts on my shoulder… just me making choices and trying to figure out what that light at the end of the tunnel actually meant….

Well I have had that light in my hands recently and I go back and honest this memory thing is not all it’s cracked up to be… but I go back through the last 65 years and I see the choices I made…. just wow, how did I survive and live to tell about it??? I should be 6 feet under… many times over… Cats, have nothing on me….

Luck of the draw… I would like to think it is more about me working to find the answers I have been seeking since Margie died that hot night in Big Springs, Texas ….

The choices others made to keep silent, while I am on this journey is telling of the cowardice they live…. and the luck of the draw has made their lives as they should be….

The road is not as winding or up and down… upset tummy is a thing of the past… and every night I go to bed… knowing….

The luck of the draw on what I will remember tonight….if this made sense to you… you been reading the blog… if it doesn’t… your loss….

I Remember…. Margie….

Stroke knowledge….

Dec 26th, 2018… I found out via MRI I had a stroke and TIA on the brain…

I didn’t know???

The nightmares, the diagnosis of PTSD, the weakness that became evident after major surgery last year…. the missing memory…. and catching Freda & Peggy & Tiny & Larry in lies….

It’s only been 9 months next week, since I learned the truth….

When I told Mike the story about Big Springs, Texas on Nov 7, 2017… that triggered my death memory….

By that time, I had decades of nightmares, and obviously, the VA said I had PTSD and clinical depression… but no one could tell me why????

When the Airmen killed those 26 people in Sutherland Springs….

It was Air Force, Airmen & Texas….. those 3 things were the key to letting Margie out of her prison for the last 50 years…..

So much up and down emotionally… the knowledge that my nightmares were events in my life, that I really wanted to deny….

Once the MRI & MRA were done…. I had to face the reality I was hated from the day I left the womans womb to this moment in time…. for one reason only….

I told the truth and that jepordized Fredas affair, my half sister and all the secrets Peggy & Larry would like me to forget….

My life was expendable…. as was my military career….

People in power, saying they are christian… just so they can weld that power… that is the only god in existence….. Human…..

I have no contact with my birth family… I hold the key to their so called respectable lives…. I am the evidence they wish would be 6 feet under….

How pathetic the religious truly are…..

Knowledge of the stroke is taking me longer to adjust too… I have had 6 major surgeries, where I could have stroked out on any one of those… because no one told me…. I gave birth to 2 kids, with complicated pregnancies…. and I served the nation for 5 1/2 years…… yet I knew nothing of the strokes or near death….

Near death is heart stopping.. those religious will say it denotes life… It does not…. My brain kept going, that is what denotes life… but not to the psychos who believe in a mythological god… just a FYI, there is nothing in death, no family, flowers, song, heaven or hell…. just total and complete darkness and Freda… you need to stay scared, that is what awaits you old woman…..

After the eye surgery… will be checking in with my doctor about anything I need to do, like baby aspirin, yada, yada, yawn….

Knowledge is power and the only thing that makes mortal humans into gods…. some use that knowledge to control others and they say slavery is dead in America… not according to those who THINK they have a say about my female body….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to open it’s mind and as long as you buy into gods… your growth will be limited…. that is a fact written in psychology…which can be proven… your gods… not so much…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

Anger has a Master…

Long night, no munch, nothing after dinner and I was still up and down all night long… so frustrating and my attitude showed it after I got out of bed… just for a few seconds… but it’s frustrating…I vented on twitter…oooops..

There is some part of this journey I haven’t reconciled yet and I don’t know for sure what it is…

I can name the head traumas when they happened, why, that will never have a valid reason to abuse a child…

I can tell you when I died and lost time… about 9 months is gone and I thank Freda and her boyfriend in Bonita, LA….. for that hiccup in my life…

I keep telling myself, it’s only been 22 months since I remembered my own death…. give myself a break and realize I am dealing with lots of anger, emotion and so much more… it is truly, at times, over whelming….

Life is always a journey…. it’s a choice of how you live it and embrace it… or run away from it…

Did you know we are born atheist???? Think about it….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

What we are made of…

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-49760240

Interesting article…

I have 93% more Neanderthal DNA than most of the clients of 23andMe…. My DNA is made up of Neanderthal, British/Irish, French an base is Congolese….

Research shows that the people the above article writes about, inter mingled with our ancestors… It is obvious by my DNA the same could be said for modern man…

Always fun to learn our true human make up…

Not Adams rib, but I come from pre man… That destroys the bibles teaching…

I am living proof…

I Remember Margie…..

Keeping myself honest….

The nightmares of violence, have always been with me…

My christian home I was raised in, was anything but nice… in fact, I honestly can not tell you of kindness in that house, ever….

When I sought out mental health in the military, my son had been raped and the gossip was rampant, to destroy me… to protect the 1st Sgt., who’s son raped my child….

I knew when I sought out mental health, it could be a closed society and it would be there to protect the image of the military or it was there to help the patient… It was there to protect the military… and the Air Force failed once again to do what is right…

When I got ganged raped… I didn’t bother with mental health… no those officers went on to have careers… but the damage was done…

Protect Vance AFB at all costs and my career was over….

It is ironic… my husband of 25 years will tell you, sex and I…. never been a fan of each other… why???

Traumatic brain injury as indicated on the MRI 12/26/2018….. that section of my brain is injured and has been since I was 13 years old… so I didn’t go looking for sex… but men had no problem taking it….

As for keeping myself honest…. I watch as christians continue to cry foul as they destroy lives via addiction, suicide or just flat out bad counseling…. by nut bags that believe a god exist…. and I know, they at one time had influence on me…. and I remind myself of that on a daily basis as well as the bigotry they promote….

Can I say with 100% certainty that I am having no depression…. Nope…

I am smoking pot… and even though we buy the kind that does not cause depression, just impacts our pain…. I have to keep in mind, pot is a depressive substance and is that what I am feeling??? or is it depression???

The only way for me to make it to the end of this road… keep myself honest about what I am experiencing and how it truly is impacting my psyche and over all well being…

Honest, if I was depressed, I would be ranting off the wall about the VA…. I am a prisoner of my home… Speech is difficult and slurred, so talking, not much of that happening and as far as eating goes…. that is a day to day nightmare and has been for over a year…. VA health care at its best….

But I’m not losing sleep over it, it does not have control… IT is just along for the ride, waiting for that golden opportunity to knock me on my ass…. ya know like waiting for the other shoe to drop……

Changing my attitude when I hit the floor every morning, sets the tone for the whole day…

not letting chrisitians and Trump have a say about my life… they are exposing themselves and their corruption….

Hopefully Americans are smarter than they act…hope springs eternal…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Trump betrays America…

They say they need more police in Jewish neighborhoods???? WHY????

WHY not put more police in Chicago, Boston, anyplace gun violence is off the chart!!!

WHY ARE WE PROTECTING PEOPLE WHO MANUFACTURED A GOD???????

Why are we not PROTECTING AMERICAN CITIZENS FROM GUNS?????

This man made god can defend its self!!!!!!

Our tax dollars is for ALL AMERICANS!!!! Not just those who manufacture gods and religions!!!!

I remember Margie….

Direction on the book….

At this stage of the journey, I am so wishing I had paid attention or at least remembered my english courses….

Do I start with the first memory…. the toddler and the hair brush???

Do I go with my first entrance exam into the military that gave me my first clue, something was wrong????

Do I start with my time in the military and the rapes, and attempted murder cover up and how Vance AF base made sure, the rapist never was held accountable???

Do I start with the death of Margie in Big Springs, Texas at Webb AF base 1967…. just after her 13th birthday???

Do I go with the boulder in the middle of that river in Japan, were 3 men died earlier and I saved my son’s life???

Where do I start???

As much as I am enjoying my time here spinning my wheels, so to speak…. I am getting closer to starting the book in a soft write… I’ve tried before and I know, how important it is for me to have quiet, so that the train does not leave the station without me…. but pot isn’t helping that aspect either….

Next week my last post op for the right eye, shortly after that… the left one gets done… I really hope I don’t see him pull my lens out on that eye… it was freaky on the right….

Weeks, before I will get a working perscription for glass’s…. so research and other investigative stuff is waiting to be done….

There are days I have no desire to go any further with this journey… and I realize…

If I quit…

They win….

I Remember… Margie….

I told you so….

Sometimes we can be our own worse enemy….

If I had done something different last year, we would be home now…

Instead, I let the devil PTSD have control and now I am doing I told you so to myself….

Last year the dentist tried adjusting the lower partial, which made it worse, so we put it back the way it was…

Now the lingual side of the partial area has my mouth raw and it’s all I got, to help me chew food…

That weight loss I bragged about… I just took a pain pill, because I tried to eat some eggs and hash browns and the pain was too much… the dogs got my breakfast….

I have tried eating without the partial, and it’s not possible, the pieces are to big to chew and swallow, no way to eat properly….

I don’t take the pain med, till the pain hits… and hope it covers me for lunch and supper…. after that, the partial is out…

All of this could have been avoided, if the federal employee at the Hilo VA office on Hawaii, didn’t have a corn cobb up their ass, that I put there!!!!

Oh well….. when I go in for my upper partial, I will be requesting a new lower one… like I said, I may not get what I should get… but I will get enough to cost the VA a few thousand…..

Sgt. USAF DAV 100 % service connected… so much for priority care….. not if you piss off federal employees….just look at petty Trump…..

PTSD, are you still here???

Subtle changes??? or different choices???

PTSD, once I learned I had it, and in the blog I mention that Rubio in 98 supposedly informed me over the phone… I have no memory of that, but I have a memory of a phone conversation with the doctor…. so who know’s what my state of mind was… we were still into drinking… damn, we could have paid off our home, with all our partying…. don’t miss it either… the partying…so PTSD, 2011 after a VA Appeal, the evaluation said PTSD and above average intelligence… I would put a laughing emoji… more of a smart ass, but Intelligent it is….

I am dreaming at night, but only just… not much of a view or thought of what I saw… no nightmares… no cranky mornings… in fact… when the rooster started it’s routine, I rolled over and went back to sleep… that is progress…. granted only a few more minutes… It’s like hitting the snooze on the alarm clock, which I wish was a rooster… wow, it’s been over 20 years since I did that routine, snooze alarm not strangle rooster…… I miss working though….

I can’t complain, not mentally… I find myself easily distracted by life it self and not so much the past… smells, sounds, objects, words… can trigger a memory… and those that have come forward… again, nothing new I haven’t always been aware of… just a memory that came out for airing….

Neurology needs to be involved… just because they recommend drugs, doesn’t mean I have to agree… so no meds for me, but more information about what and where and how it is triggered… this abnormal brain wave… I’m all for that….

Sleep is happening… all depends upon if I pig out on a munch before bed… or if I stick to the routine, nothing after 6PM, so I can sleep… just depends how good the pot is and that is a fact….there for a while, it was munch city, now it’s back to once in a while…. kind of hard to chew with your front teeth only, so after dinner, those painful partials come out and lately, munching has halted after that moment in time daily… which explains why the weight is coming off again… and blood work nixed my soft diet of choice… this is so not fun… do-able… but not fun….

Planning our holidays, what we plan to have sent as gifts that were raved over the last couple of years… Big Island Candies… oh my do they make wicked good stuff… and those kids that have contact with us, feeling them out… and we are trying to decide if we want to donate to several or adopt a family… so working on my budget….

Feds lowered the rate again and talking of doing it again before end of year… I thought 2008 to 2016 was rough… that was a cake walk to what is coming… it will make it a real estate buyers market… our house just became more affordable… payment would be with good credit, tax’s and insurance, cause you got to have hurricane coverage, plus mortgage… you would be looking at $1300 to $1500 that is zero down, like a VA or FHA or RECD loan… dependent upon your credit tier…

Told Mike, seriously thinking of buying a place back home, next year, that is more about the land, than the house… I can use my VA to buy a second home, did it when we moved here… had one in New Mexico and bought a 2nd house under VA on Hawaii… so if you didn’t know that… you can do it, but there has to be some distance between homes… Hawaii, New Mexico.. yep, plenty of distance….

Cloudy outside, quiet, for once… bangers have been bad, and that is because of them coming off the mountain… which they are now threatening officials… no longer a peaceful protest… this is terrorism and not about Hawaiians and sacred land….

So much rain, everything so green and growing so fast… my Haas avacado tree, the 3 year old, is about ready to drop it’s fruit… yum… we have a dozen pineapple plants, no fruit yet, we ate the last 3…. grapefruit and orange tree are producing and we should get to try those this year…. so not bad for only 3 years.. now into our 4th on Hawaii… this lot was bare when we bought it… now it’s a jungle….

Have a beautiful day….. and thanks for laughing along with me… never enough laughter in the world….

I Remember…. Margie….

Hilo VA impacting my Health!!! 100% Service Connected USAF DAV… what a joke VA health care is….

Well now the dental is impacting my over all health…

When you have a sliding hiatal hernia, Irritable bowel syndrome, mass adhesions and a rebuilt bladder and rectum….

The last thing you want is issues with digestion…. and thanks to the Hilo VA…

That is where I am at… and made sure the doctor got informed, so it could be documented….

I can’t fight against corrupt federal employees… been doing it for 30 years and I am spent…

But I can document the medical negligence… remember, the VA left a Transmesh inside me for a full year, even when the surgeon Dr. Twiss wanted to remove it 2 weeks after implant…that was 2009… by 2011, my rectum was detached, because the Tucson VA refused to schedule me for surgery…

It took me from 2011 to 2018, to get a board certified GYN/Urologist to be approved by the VA, so my rectum could be reattached… I found out as a woman, what it’s like to have a dick between the legs for a few years!!!!

Now the Hilo VA is playing god, by not doing the dental implants requested in May 2018 and now the surgery I went through in Feb 2018, is on the verge of being undone… because I can’t chew my food!!!!!!!!!!

I informed the doctor yesterday, that my crisis was now from my mouth to my ass and the surgeon warned me, make this rectocell procedure fail and I am looking a FULL PELVIC FLOOR REBUILD!!!!!!!

All because the Hilo VA is playing god !!!!!!

The diet I tried, while dealing with my dental crisis, caused my potassium levels to spike and anyone who knows about hearts and heart disease… potassium is not our friend if we get to much…

So, now what do I do??? Find foods I can get down??? Doc asked why I didn’t puree my food and I looked at her and said…. “17 years of domestic violence and the food the woman made me eat is why”!!!!!!!!!!! I would lose weight, not gain, if I went that route…

Will I let this turn into a health crisis… well the weight, not much I am going to be able to do about that… Mike can’t have high potassium, because of his heart failure… so it’s either processed foods or I eat less of what I normally cook, because it takes me forever to chew it and after about 5 minutes of eating I am in so much pain… I’m done…. so weight loss, here we go again…

Do you realize yoyo weight loss is bad for your heart…. didn’t I tell you I have heart disease and have had it since my death at 13, or didn’t it dawn on you???…

Yet somehow, I served the nation for 5 1/2 years, raised 2 sons and have been a productive member of society…. until the VA took over my health care…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember humanity once mattered… not if you are christian….

Word Press SIGN IN????

AGAIN!!!!!!

I NEVER SIGNED OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patience

I have a wealth of it…

Patience is something I have worked on…. I cut my hair crew cut style when Mike had open heart triple bypass…. shorter than a Marines hair cut… that was 2015….

This is how long it has grown, since he almost died….

I wonder if I have the patience to let it get to my ass๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜†

Life is about choices…only reason we are here, so the man made gods can control us๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I remember Margie an her long hair when she died at 13….at the hands of christians….

News never disappoints…

Get up this morn an the federal government is destroying Californias air, just to show them Trump is king and the kids an elderly do not need clean air…

A few mins later a senator from PA has lots of porn available for christians… as he is one, what harm when it comes to your kids??? Priest or Senator, as long as your god says your kids are fodder, why not???

I remember Margie before christians beat her to death….

CBC..

Quick note, now that WP has me pissed off….

CBC did include my white count and for me, it was in a good range…

It’s hard not to freak out about Agent Orange….

We lived on NAHA AFB, they sprayed the whole base, to keep the fauna under control… they found barrels of the crap buried north of Kadena…

Top that off, with my dad Don, bringing it home on his clothes…. and I was married to a veteran who died last year from Agent Orange and he was at the same base my dad was stationed at in Vietnam….

Not much more I can do about exposure, except bathe in it….

The files were declassified a few years back… I learned about the deposit of barrels on Okinawa, when I worked for the feds on Japan… it was classified at that time…

So when my white count spikes for no reason… I get worried….

My blood work was good, except for this T level that has to do with the thyroid and the doctor agrees, its time to get neurology involved, if my hippocampus was impacted… and there are test and measurements they can do, I think….

She is concerned about one level being low, but it’s not the one that puts you into a waking coma type thing… thyroid is scary… but my gut tells me I am right to stay off the thyroid medication at this time…

Weight was good, blood pressure up, but, I just pounded a big candy bar… so, if she had checked my sugar, it would have been up there also… but I have white coat syndrome and monitor my BP at home….

So, passed for all I need for the next eye surgery… couple of weeks, and I won’t be able to see crap out of either eye…. talk about going crossed eyed and no line of sight… this is going to be not fun… maybe, no clue… hope my right is stable by the time they do the left…

Bills coming in and I told doctor, if the surgical part doesn’t hurt money wise, she can refer me out for other things on medicare, instead of waiting months for VA approval… so couple weeks, those bills should show up and I’ll know if we can afford for me to go straight medicare for my health…. fingers crossed, so over god employees at Hilo VA….

Hot today, windy, but they are saying we are going to be hot for a couple more weeks… that AC is paying for itself….

Saw a house up for sale, that is only 2 years old and yea, they can make a profit on it… but not much… seeing it on the market is an indicator of what is to come and our being off the market, is a good thing… got a feeling the protestors are impacting more than they have any clue over… we can afford it… but we don’t work anymore… we have a income… sad to see, superstitions costing people their homes….

I Remember… Margie…

Touch me again and You will die…

The only time I stood up to the man before I left home…. was after he knocked me 10 feet across the room on my knees… and Freda said…”Don you shouldn’t have done that”….

How little did I know, I had the power to change our family forever and in a way I did…. I made sure I would not be welcomed in that family…. I was 17 years old, Naha AFB, Okinawa……

Upon our return to America…. I left home and started my own life… along the way, I tried entering the military and failed the test so miserably, it set me on a path of discovery… I just didn’t know it would take me from 1972 to 2017 to find the road home….

The chaos of stroke and traumatic brain injury has been one of the most fascinating experiences of my life and it is still ongoing…

Daily I wake to find my thought process and brain reaction evolving… Mike said, “does that mean you are growing up”??? I said,”I hope not”,… and I marvel at my tenacity to get this far, with little to no help from the professionals….

The abnormal brain wave happened a few days back, its documented in this goofy blog thing… and the body purge started, but not like it has done for decades… free fall… no this time is has been controlled, or at least I think that is what is happening….

I think some of what I deal with in the brain department with that abnormal brain wave, is connected to the endochryine system and the hippocampus… I really don’t know how to convey, what I am experiencing on the brain level… but I know things are changing…. for the good…

The body is responding to the physical part of this recovery…. and the brain is growing and adapting…. Some things will never change… like how I learn and absorb information… or how I make memories, because of all the trauma and brain injuries… those are structured and adaptive to the injuries and life I have lived….

I find my brain is more into learning new, not examing old… the book is in my mind a lot lately… how to put it all together… most of all how to start it…

Once that is figured out, it should just all fall into place… but I am not there yet… I still have more on this journey to accomplish… and I do want to undergo a couple EEG tests to see if we can get more answers about this brain wave abnormality I live with…

Here on Hawaii, we have lost over 2,000 doctors since we moved to the area… so health care is going to suffer, because the big island is growing… daily… though less people have insurance and government coverage, so waiting may not be as long as it is now… at least for this veteran…. who knows… not me….

Right now, it’s just live it one day at a time… we aren’t making plans… we are just living… until the players involved with my life do their jobs… we are in limbo and that is how I am taking it daily… just living and letting life go about it’s daily buisness… I’m just along for the ride….

I Remember… Margie….

Aloha…..

What a gorgeous way to start the day on Hawaii….

May your day be as gorgeous… Nature our only god….

I have a video, but for some reason only known to the owners of word press I don’t have access to my videos… ongoing problem with WORD PRESS from it’s get go… CAN NOT recommend this web site…. total fuck up….

I Remember… Margie….

Tune out the noise….

Today, oh so hot on our little island, Hilo saw over 90 today… and with humidity… it sizzled….

I spent the day, in between chores, watching about Egypt on NatGeo…. I find that show very interesting….

They got into findings that puts a Pharaoh as the one who led his people out of Egypt and the christians took the story and made it about a man named Moses, yada, yada, yawn…

Have you ever heard of the African laws??? Google the ancient African laws… it’s very interesting… thats where the 10 commandments came from…..

One banger up the street, another sitting down the street, booming… Hawaiian flags on the back of vehicles… so little respect for the land, the fauna or the life on the island… so much for that protest on the mountain… sounds a lot like bait and switch crap, just like Trump….

Noise gone, what was I writing about????

Egypt… fascinating subject and the more I learn about the plagues that were caused by a volanic eruption to the water not being parted on the red sea, but actually the wind blowing a path across the Nile.. the more I marvel at people believing anything that bible says…..

Science, history, archeology…. not stories… facts… and that is what feeds my soul…

Probably a big reason why I want to know what those who hurt me know… and they will take it to their grave… christian and coward are the same…

Quiet outside now, no bird song, no wind… AC was freezing me out… so house is open for the night… since my death… I don’t like being boxed in…

Our night is coming early for us… sun sets at 6:22 and we are dark till 12 hours later….this I will miss…. consistent long days of light…

Hurricane is out there, but looks like it will fall apart before getting to us… this is one season that is just nice…. and lots of water for long showers….

Day over, eyesight still goofy, but getting used to it… and in a few weeks the next eye gets done… oh ….. yea…….

Not watching much news and not spending much time thinking about the past… life moves on… and sometimes you just got to jump on the wagon…. it feels like a ride coming on….

I Remember… Margie….

I told a Lie….

Ooooops…. ya know, it’s been as hot as being back in Las Cruces, New Mexico during the monsoon season… and I owned a couple houses in that town for 8 years… so spent a few summers baking…..

On Hawaii, the big island, in HPP where I live… I am only about a mile from the ocean… can walk out my door and listen to the waves crashing on the cliffs and sorry the name of the cliffs, escape me…

And I can walk out my driveway to the road and see the ocean…. so we don’t live that far from water, the sound, the smell, the salt…

But when we lose our trade winds, and we have hot, wet, sticky, humid weather…. 88 degrees…. all of a sudden feels like 91+……

When the eruption last year happened, we are only a couple miles away from the lava flow and you could feel the heat, smell the gas and see the smoke and haze in the air… so we ordered what is called a Fujitsu split AC system… no duct work, just a unit outside and a fan unit up on the wall…

Well when we bought it, I told the kid, I wanted to be able to use it for the whole house, so he upped the unit inside, we are only 1020 sq ft…. Well, I have done everything but the right thing since the unit was installed and because I hadn’t done the right thing… when we were up for sale… I lied… by mistake….

I said the unit wouldn’t cool the whole house and that it wouldn’t freeze you out at night….

I WAS WRONG……..

The damn thing is freezing me out right now at 2 in the afternoon….

That was the one question asked when we had the house up for sale… about the AC and electric bill and by not doing what I should have when we bought it… ask or google info about what we bought… and use it properly… I told buyers the wrong information……

We have been hitting the low 90’s here on Hawaii and we haven’t opened our house up for a couple of days…. and the house feels awesome….

Our last electric bill only went up $10…. so I think I finally figured out how to use this split system and it was most definitely worth the $6,000 to have it installed… it has paid for it’s self the last 2 summers…. buyers will appreciate it, with global warming happening….

So, truth be told… the AC system will freeze you out of this little house… Electricity is not cheap on Hawaii… but you can’t put a price on comfort, definite selling point next year…….

I Remember… Margie…

Those who use Fear….

The fight or flight mechanism is all to familiar with me… mine was active for over 50 years…. I can even tell you when it started…. after my death in Big Springs, Texas at the hands of christians… the ones who use fear to control what they can’t be… good humans…………..

I hated the emotion and the feeling…. and I knew by the time I watched Don Bagwell dying and the circus that was going on… my fear dissolved… it did not disappear until recently… so we are talking 2006 to 2018…. before the fight or flight stopped, mentally and physically….

It mess’s with your blood pressure, it mess’s with your mental health, it mess’s with your physical ability…. it just flat out takes from you and the only reason I had it…. The Chrisitan Religion….. and once I found out the truth about that bull shit religion and the brain started working independent of the fear mongering of christians…. well……

The rest is history…….what psychology says about religion and waking up from the nightmare of brainwashing is true…. it is so liberating…..

The reason Freda & Peggy & Larry & Tiny can’t own what, when and where…. they fear how they will be judged…. hate to tell ya, but that is written in stone on that behavior and the judgement…. life passed it’s sentence a long time ago and their lives prove it….

Fear…. I hope I am helping Mike face his… his demon from his past… once you face the fear, life seems to play out softer, gentler path… not because of others… but…

Because you faced your fears…only you have true control over your world…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and her facing her fears when she died at 13 years old by the hands of christians who stole her body, but not her soul….

Fear Mongering…

Ya know Clinton tried it an Nixon, oh my, that was one of the worse people to create fear over nothing…but….

Trump and GOP Christian base have created a culture of fear, so much so, it is tearing families apart…

All because the christians are telling you to fear your shadow an your neighbor….

I remember America with humanity, until corrupt christian religion….

Art of Blocking Anyone…

Wow, how did I learn this one… the art of blocking people from my life???

It is a art and I really didn’t have to do much…. Just one little tactic….

I never lied to them…. I can remember every person, who stepped in my house and took a gold chain, here, a set of ear rings there… a little cash here… a bag of weed there…. and quite a bit more… as I sit here an grin about the property taken over the years and where those people’s lives are at now… yea, I can sit an grin… a sad one, but a grin….

I have been wrong and owned it… I own it and that is the end of it… some can never do that… it’s the god complex… hanging the apple over your head….. I own it for that reason, when it’s me… most don’t….

When the shooter in Sutherland Springs, Texas….. when it hit the news… on Nov 5, 2017… I never let the thought get far from my mind… and about that time, Freda wanted money back, that should have never been borrowed… and you will have to go back to the start of the blog, to understand…

By Christmas of 2017…. I was writing… by April 2018, I had no family left… though they tried to stop the writing… they tried to stop me from remembering….

The art of blocking… for me…

always be truthful…. people will either respect and walk the same path or they will walk behind ….

that is all I had to do to block the people who beat the crap out of a child…..

Tell the Truth….

I Remember…. Margie….

Every one is so Angry….

I have been talking about the games people play… never got protesting, but I never was part of anything that required protest in such a public way…. until I got my memories back and the living denied me critical health information…. and I got angry…. and I showed it…. just like everyone else in the world… I showed my anger…. and I realized… our anger was being fed by those in power… National leadership, religious leadership, Internet leadership…. all these people in power… were playing all of us….

That is when my anger walked out the door… I took the puppet strings off and decided that my brain had a lot more use, than being led around by Trump, christians, muslims, it didn’t matter… I was using the brain I was born with….

I took what I had to be angry about and put it in it’s place… no longer in control of me… but me in control of it… and ya know what… the world looks a hell of a lot better than it did, when the religious and the leadership were messing with it….

I can’t save the world… but I can make my own a whole lot better…

Those that want to be a part of it, will either make the effort or continue to live their lives always asking…..

What If….

I Remember… Margie…

Splurge… how to deal with climate change

sometimes ya just got too

Hot an humid on Hawaii… This morning one of the mountain protestors banged their noise loudly at 5:30 AM…showing respect for land and seniors๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก

So hide inside, AC blasting an a big bowl of ice cream an blueberries…

I remember home made ice cream….

Dropsie’s…..

Dropsie’s… not sure I spelled that right, but it’s been getting worse and it started in the military… got wrote up for it… so at least if nothing else that dumb ass dentist I worked with did me a favor… he gave me a time stamp on the progression of the neuropathy…. so thanks Dr. Jacobs… that was 1979…. just a FYI, if you were curious… oh and the write up, I threw the instruments that were in my right hand into the sink… and just a FYI, those are not cheap tools and breakage was easy and no, I didn’t throw them, it was involuntary movement… but thanks doc, you helped with my paper trail…. and yea, I got a copy of the write up…. document, document, document… smartest thing this woman ever did….

Last night, I was putting stuff away and grabbed the brand new electric flat griddle and the next thing it’s flying and I got blood flowing out of my foot…. you have no clue how pissed I am… that is the 3rd griddle in the last 6 months to a year… that I have dropped and busted………………………………

Was it lack of attention to what I was doing or was it the inability to keep hold of something I grabbed….. and I got to go with not being able to keep hold…

All this means… it’s a pattern of problems that have been going on since my service time, so over 40 years…. and it’s just another one of those special gifts that christians gave me, by beating me to death….

So nothing new… except… hubby is in town for an appointment and he called to ask what kind of new griddle I wanted and after I told him, one that goes on the stove… I told him to pick up a new electric can opener… I broke ours this morning….

That is the life of a person who lives with damage to their body, not by doing anything to it….But by christians beating the crap out of a child for 17 years….. so gang, I got no love lost for any human that calls themselves anything but human….

Which begs the question, who the hell do I get to vote for president???? Rich get off easy, the powerful never serve behind bars or in orange and religion continues to lie, steal, rape, cheat and murder…. and most of you support it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because you don’t know who is religious or not, until they open their holes….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Neuropathy and it’s damage…

I don’t get all of this yet… got to remember… I got the official diagnosis in Feb 2018, right after my surgery….

The neurologist who stuck the needles in my legs and arms, stated that I had severe Peripherial neuropathy and Autonomic Neuropathy…. both, I knew about, I just didn’t know the appropriate names for them…

Diagnosising your self on the internet is dangerous and thankfully, I have lots of on the job schooling and my own continued education…. so far I haven’t been wrong on any of my diagnosis… the medical side can’t say that…. i.e. fibromyalgia diagnosis, 1998 Spokane VA, Dr. Sheer said I had this… when in reality… it was always neuropathy and I can tell you when it started…. 1960…..

We did our mile walk and I was having very sharp pains, which had been going on for a couple weeks off and on… and I think because of exercise… something is out of place… and I asked Mike if he had some of the same symptoms… remember, he broke his neck at 18… so he’s got lots of issues, he caused himself… and he could relate to my description of pain….

I can tilt my head forward with spine straight and it reverberates down my spine… the pain… the pain that has been with me since Freda beat me with that old fashion yard stick… picture is on the blog, the damage she left behind…

I always wondered why I felt ripples in my arms, legs, and ribs… come to find out that is the by product of blunt force trauma… and since I was never in a bad auto accident… mine is 100% from being beaten as a child by christians… who know their god by the way… cowards… I could chew them up and spit them out…. and that is, a disgusting thought….

The PT kids I asked to be sent back to, taught me a lot… but I need more… because I am taking pain meds and I don’t like to do that, unless it’s dental…. the rest of my body… this is something I have lived with now for 60 years, because a adult who calls herself christian beat the shit out of a 5 year old…. nice christian….

The body hurts and I know I need to work out, to loosen up what is tightening up…. I really do eny those who are motivated to be physical… I do it out of necessity and the desire to eliminate some of the non stop pain a christian thought I deserved….

Sounds a lot like Trump, piss him off and he’s going to make you pay… and boy is the dude making middle America pay…. You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to educate and not buy into, “If it sounds to good to be true, you know it’s a con”…. and that is all christians like Trump do… CON….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDdintTell, well look at how Graham an Kavanaugh ganged up on Professor Ford… Who I believe over christians like Graham and Kavanaugh or Trump and Thomas!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

My Escape Plan….

Don’t got one… but… I do love to sit and go off on a trip in my mind…

Sometimes it can take me away for a few minutes…

Sometimes it can take me away for a few hours….

And I just let the imagination grab hold of any thought and let it run….

I have been playing specific type of games on the PC to make my eyes track moving objects… and that allows me escape… and enjoyment, till my wrist tells me I am done…

Some call my escape meditation… As a child, it’s what I used to survive what was transpiring in plain sight and behind closed doors… I never will understand anyone turning a blind eye to abuse… but we did put a rapist in the white house…

Still looking for that depression that should have taken up residence by now… waiting for that short fuse to let go… anything… and I got nada…

Talked with dental clinic yesterday and started that process… been out and about and people were so nice… again, it was early, had to do a fasting blood test… think we found the time and days to do our shopping…

I am using the down time constructively and I am using the active time, to work back what the down time took…

Mentally, it’s just wait and watch…. and most of all hope… but, not all of any of this is out of my control…

we can leave here any time we chose… it’s just not the right time, at this specific moment in time…

Maybe that is why no depression… I have options….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Trumps christian Hookum…

Have you noticed???

Drugs are being provided by American companies and overdoses are being blamed on a WALL at the Mexico border???!!!

Have you noticed every mass shooting has been by a American citizen, on the American side of the wall??!!??!!

Have you noticed people who represent churches are taking their lives, because they are caught in a real life scam?!?!?!?!

Eliminate religion and take power away from Russia run NRA…..

And just maybe America will be great again??????

Leave things as they are, America will never be anything but a cesspool for the corrupt christian base that thinks slavery is a right and one they earned…. because as a woman, I have less rights than a christian or a man!!!!!

SGT USAF DAV I remember Margie an when christians raped and murdered her!!!

Hypnotize Me???

Ever watch this show, called Hypnotize Me???

Reminds me of the jibber jabber I did as they took me in for eye surgery two weeks ago….

Things I said would make a sailor blush….

Less than a month, here comes another jibber jabber๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคจ

I really do not want to remember next time๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜Œ

Evolution Sucks… so do hot Flash’s!!!

Now that the oral infection is abated…. and the migraine headaches I was having are gone… we are back to normal operating perameters….

When the doctor told me women can experience hot flash’s up to the day they die….. all I could think of was scalping the woman and do a war dance!!!

ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME??????

Come to find out… nope….

Now that I am off the thyroid medication, oral infection is gone… it would seem my body is back to doing what it should be doing as it ages…..

It’s NOT FAIR!!! I started hot flash’s when I was 26 years old and the Air Force took out my organs….

39 years I have had those pain in the ass hot flash’s…. and they are still here…. I can’t catch a break… I really can’t……..

IT’s not like it was when the surgery was done… that was a new kind of hell the female body an brain can go through…..

I don’t need hormone therapy…. I am pass that point in age and body…

Now it’s maintain and try and keep it working properly……

But every time that flush happens… all I can think about is my head out the car window, doing 60MPH…. so instead I turn the AC on and stand in the line of fire…..

65 years old and still having hot flash’s…..

Men really need to take a turn at this… Evolution… here’s your chance… make those suckers deal with all the hormones!!!!

Equality my ass!!! Put a woman in the white house and that will show America!!!!

I Remember… a day, when a hot flash, was because I blushed…. those days are long gone… Now I make others blush…. True Story….

Harnessing my Frustration…

If I didn’t think my neighbors would call the cops, I would let loose one hell of a scream…. only because…. my vision is all over the place….

I don’t know what I expected… but this, wasn’t it…..

One minute I can see the computer screen, good enough to read it… but not well enough to get online and do research… which I am itching to do….

According to the post op, this will go on for several weeks and once that eye starts to settle down, you are getting the other eye operated on and get to start all over again….

I do my cooking by habit and smell, can’t tell certain things when I am cooking, so far, we are both gaining weight, so, guess it’s all good….

As for research, or learning all this new software… not going to happen any time soon…

It frustrates me, because, I have to do something repeatedly, before I have it down and don’t struggle… always been that way, since Texas and the stroke at that moment in time…

Mike is letting me take over the lead on this move… and until I get word what the VA is doing… we know, no more today, than yesterday…. it’s like waiting for this…. FIGMO…. anyone military gets this…..

Called dental clinic and requested new partial… so in a couple months, should have a new one… oh joy for the next couple of months hiding…

Gray kind of day and not sizzling hot, yet…. wet… plenty of wet….everything is flourishing and I hear the bird song on the wind…. and 2 chickens outside my fenced yard… pups sound aspleep at my feet… yep, nice day on Hawaii…..

I have lots of frustration to deal with for a while… but I’ll get answers in the process too…. and for the first time in over a year… the area of bone that had been hurting… seems to be done, once the offending root was removed… infection for over a year…. wow…. at least I got a MRI out of it and that gave me more answers and more questions…..

So lots of frustration… but lots going on too… enough so, we won’t be to bored…. told Mike, time for him to go play some golf and goof off…. he’s earned it… so cooler weather, any time you are ready……

I am working to make the frustration work for me… in little things, and conversations with those in charge… always heard you could attract lots more with honey, than you can with acid…. so I am trying the honey…. time will tell if it works… It won’t work on people like Trump…. no one has that kind of patience…. to put up with the green acres president…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…. because of men in power, protecting men in power…. and women keep letting them do it…. you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix it’s self…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Kidde alarms…

Sitting, early because of roosters, having our coffee and the hall alarm goes off…..

Get the offending alarm and its sibling and shut them down… they never triggered the other two alarms…๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคฌ

These come in a two pack… we think๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†they are defective… We left the other two mounted and active…. but, these are spendy and now we know how to adjust the other kind….

Plan to put a whole new set in…. an see if warranty is on the fancy pain in the ass kidde ones๐Ÿ˜‚ can not recommend these fancy ones…. go basic, they are adjustable….

I remember how noisy these are….

Never give up….

Depression, can be the worse thing in your life, especially if you have no skills to be able to cope and you rely on religion or internet searches or social media…. all of which, can make depression worse… not better….

When I had questions, I asked… I rarely got any answers that related or helpful… but, I still asked questions…. Even after the way mental health treated my 6 year old, after rape… because it was more important to protect Vance AFB….

Depression is something I have lived with for over 50 years….. My memory tells me, I started experiencing depression around 5 years old….

It walked with me, slept with me, impacted me, made choices for me, led me down different paths in life…. yet… I wouldn’t let depression own me… it tried… damn, did it ever try…. but….

That light at the end of the tunnel, I knew it was reachable… I just had to find the answers that worked for my brain…. not my faith, not my beliefs… but what my brain would accept and I wouldn’t fight…. and once I got the religion out of the brain….

The rest is history… and yet I marvel at the lives lost, because they believe in a god…. and our brains are programmed to go thier… this belief in gods…

Our brains are also capable of reasoning out truths from fantasy….

We just have to chose to not fear life…. and let life fear us… an you can’t do that, if you fear a god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie… if you feel the need to hurt yourself or anyone or anything else… please seek help… you are worth it….

You prove Religions corruption…

In 24 hours… two church issues hit the news… and one of those, just proves my point and the other one… proves my other point….

When you buy into religion and you are dealing with mental health issues, you are setting yourself up to fail… Religion is based on the reality of stories and not facts, not science, no foundation but faith and stories… that makes the brain conflicted… and sets the brain up to fail…. Psychology says that religion is delusional… and if you have mental health issues, you literally set yourself up to fail… I didn’t write the psychology… just a FYI…. I just read it and investigated it… just like I did religion… so far, psychology has been right and religion has cost lives…. this is in reference to suicide, while saying god is real… never like to see anyone take their life… regardless who they are… life is that precious….

Throw in a church in California that used homeless people as slave labor…

Well I have been saying it from the beginning… Slavery in America is not dead…. only because of your god…. and that church in California proved my point….

I did the religious thing… so did Mike and it cost him… for me… it cost me time, because christians are playing god with life… and mine happen to be one of those lives…

I just happen to take it back from the corrupt hands of christians…. my life is worth fighting for….

doesn’t seem to work that way for those who believe in gods, they would rather throw the gift of life away, than say god does not exist…

But this human… this atheist… knows for a fact, my life is worth fighting for…. PTSD and all… My life is worth the fight…

But, I don’t buy into mans god either… I am in charge of my life… not you or your man made god….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and the fight she did to keep her soul after christians took her life at 13 years old….

Moments in Time….

Ever follow Hawking or watch his special on the Science chanel??? Dude was brillant, so is Neil and many others… always enjoy the programs they do….

I liked how Hawking talked about alternate universes… which would explain why we think we see ghosts… it’s just an alternate moment in time and the way Hawking talked, the number of those worlds would not be countable… that would be so, just… wow, type of experience… some relate those moments in time to De je vue…. like in the Matrix….

So many theories out there about how we came to be, why we are here and where we are going…. so many to chose from, to make your reality more real…. in your world….

Lately, things like smells, sounds and a flash of memory, hits my senses as if I just walked into a field of Magnolias…….

I am dreaming again, and it’s waking me up, because I am having a hard time facing the memory…..

That light that I held for a short while, is back at the end of the tunnel… again…

I just have to journey to the end… so the light is mine, once more….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Kidde alarms….

We mounted them as high as you can go, which is where the builder put the hard wired alarms….

So far, we got to sleep, an keep house closed…. an with hot, hot humid weather on Hawaii, I will take it….

If they go off, we will have to go with low tech that we can adjust….

These talking alarms are loud, obnoxious and definitely wake you up… If you have kids or elders, these will get your attention an save your lives or annoy the hell out of those lives๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Sgt USAF DAV

Which way did it go???

I keep looking for it, expecting it, wondering what happened to it… What is IT???

Depression….

I really should be down and bummed and gorging and doing all the wrong things… instead its…

Oh Well….

My eyes are getting done and so far, it’s not cost me a fortune, yet… my teeth will be addressed to a point… any further, that is up to the federal employee playing god….

We plan to do an appraisal, before we go back on the market, so no surprises there…. and I figure if things happen, we will adjust…

So, nope, got no clue where that depression snuck off too….

House closed up, humid, muggy, warm… and very tired of a rooster waking us up, before we are ready… so… I think we may stay closed up for a while, and catch up on sleep…

We mounted the fancy smoke detectors up high… we have the air purifier machine running…. and if those damn things go off, a few hours after we go to bed…. I’m looking for a skeet gun!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Remembering to Live….

Transitions happen in life… and damn, the screen is fuzzy…. my vision is still not stable… wow, this is a trip, the eye surgery….

Anyhow…. I know the drill… the way I transition in life to circumstances I have no control over….

Example… I called out my oldest… hoping the wake up call would change his path, he was hell bent on… one that would lead to a life of always trying to out guess and stay one step ahead… same kind of con Trump is pulling…

I find it ironic, conversations my children had, or let me put it this way… things they said and did, so they could feel comfortable with distancing themselves from me…my way of life is stricter than any religion I have ever studied… may explain that bucket of shit Freda talks about… it’s just natural for me… to choose the right path, free of mans religious fears…..

Example…. in 2008 I got the official diagnosis of COPD… my oldest didn’t believe I have this illness… so I told him what he wanted to hear… I didn’t have the illness….

Ironic, but I was born with double phneumonia… according to Freda and I almost died or something along that line, according to her verison of events… from that time on, bronchitis was and always has been a part of my life… thus the bio-feed back exercises in the military… to help me cope with the heavy calcification on my rib cage at a young age… the bio-feed back was also to help with coping with the rape of my child and other health issues… but my lungs, it has played an important role in keeping me off medications… I do use a specific type of inhaler to keep my lungs working better… so I can breathe deeper….

As for the transition…. I can feel it happening… It’s the way I cope with those who tried to take from me and put the blame on me… it’s life, because of those who can’t live like I do or envy, I don’t know, I give up trying to figure out why people behave the way they do and call it appropriate behavior towards their child, parent, grandparent or friend…

I call it like it is… you can’t live the way I do, and call yourself christian… just that simple…

Being good, doesn’t require a religion… being good requires a desire to live life based on laws….

We all screw up… but we don’t all own it…

Instead we pray away our sins and transgressions, instead of owning life, we sell it to the highest bidder and for most… that’s a god or the con they are living….

I feel sorry for these people, regardless their relation to me… it’s always comes down to one thing and one thing only in life….

Choice….

I am choosing to transition into how I plan to live the last of my years on earth…. those players that chose a path of lies and deceit… won’t be a part of that life… only because of their….

Choices… and fear of how I judge them… like that really has any value… you have to forgive yourself, so you can walk away from mans gods and head fake beliefs… life is and always will be about one thing only….

Choices….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDdintTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

SMOKE ALARMS FROM HELL!!!

Kidde intelligent wire free…. have a bad habit for going off FOR NO REASON!!!!!!

These are not hard wired, they connect to each other via Wifi or blue tooth an the battery is good for 10 years….

Only problem, no way to adjust sensitivity!!!! Which means you can not adjust the sensor!!!!

Installed for the last few days and the house is clear of any smoke, yada, yada, yawn… 12 midnight sound asleep and they go off!!!!

DO NOT BUY THESE!!!! They are loud and obnoxious and obviously not worth the expense if they go off regularly when nothing is WRONG!!!!!

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember Margie…..

Progress….. update…

The past 9 months have been fun….

MRI & MRA results…

Finally got the dentist to do something and last night I figured out what tooth they screwed up in the bridge that changed my bite… because I had to take a muscle relaxer to get my facial muscles to quit spasms, that are being caused by my TMJ being put out of place, because I haven’t been able to rest my jaw naturally since the Arkansas VA put the bridge in and made a tooth that I never had…. and changed my breathing, my eating, my chewing, everything… 9 years ago, they left me with this mess….. oh joy….

I expect my CBC next week to show a low grade infection…. and it’s been going on since the Air Force did the Apeoectomy on my 2 front teeth 8 & 9….. and those roots are still in my bone and that is why I have numbness in my maxillary bone, which is not getting better… and it’s impacting my maxillary sinus and has been impacting it since 1978, when the Air Force dentist I worked with did the work…. my white count has gone off chart before and no one figured it out… hello!!!

Been off the levothyroxine since the middle of Jan…. and no issues….

Had a brain wave happen a little while ago… knew it was going to before it did it’s thing… this hit autonomic and caused the pain in the chest that mimics a heart attack… something I have lived with since around 6 years old… pulse is usually just fine and its the stomach and esphoagus that are being irritated by the brain… so, nope it doesn’t feel good…. it’s a vice grip feeling…..

I am going to have fun, going back through this blog and seeing the confusion, contradiction, the loss memory, the forgotten procedures…. as the chaos of the thyroid drug getting out of my body and knowing in advance the wave is going to hit…. I am becoming the one in control and not the body….. it’s interesting, frustrating… add the eyes and dental into the mix…. I am ready to get off this roller coaster of a ride….

Right now, it’s focus on getting my last eye surgery and recover from it… eventually get new glass’s so I can see again… I can see, but the left eye is so bad, it interfers with the right eye… and not wearing glass’s all the time is funny, because you catch yourself removing glass’s that aren’t there!!!….

Weight is stable… no more going backwards… pain meds still being used, so I can tolerate the partials… and doc gave me lots of muscle relaxer meds, which help with my face….

For everything I have ever read about amnesia…. I never thought I suffered from it… no wonder my depression was awful… part of me was missing….

Just saw a bird fly by and snag a dragon fly… nice quiet day on our little street… holding tank full and everything so green and thriving….

I felt intense anger, when doing our mile this morning… Anger at the person who orchestrated all this damage to my body…. so yep, still mad…. in time it will subside… but not yet… it’s not over, yet…..

Surgical procedures just flashed before my eyes…. I woke up, when they were taking the lens out of my eye, it was a weird sight, but out I went, I think I talked, so they pushed more juice…. jibber jabber was what I did, under that anesthesia….

I think it’s time to get a updated MRI of the adhesions… got a feeling something is hitting the intestines again… so weird I know it’s happening… that is what saved me in 1984 and the surgeon listened… the Air Force ignored me… it’s all well documented, which is why I get 100% VA….. and they said I was average intelligence…… 15 years after discharge, I got my 100%… made permanent a few years later… and service connected… not bad for average intelligence….per my peers….

Now it’s just fight to get the care I earned…get the dental done, and I can use Medicare for everything else….

Back to exercising, till my next surgery and they make me stay down another week…. things to do… bowls to smoke…. get it done, before we get hot….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Lifes Gremlins….

We all have them, these little gremlins of the day and night….

We make plans, scheme, arrange and everything goes to hell in a hand basket… because someone else had other ideas about that moment in time….

It, the gremlins… are living in my computer…. for some reason, unkown to me, WP keeps making me sign in… but I am just having to much fun getting under peoples skin… much like what Trump does… but know one knows me…… evil grin on my face…..

Looking for the brighter side, is what and where I seem to go… even when I am dragged back to the dark side, because of someone elses choices…. it’s life…

I have control over one thing and one thing only…. Me……… so people are going to fuck up my world on occasion and I imagine I’ll do the same….

Keeping the positive attitude has stood me well, even when deep in depression… the light at the end of the tunnel was always in reach… now I hold it…

The VA has limited say in my life, only because of costs… and I am finding out with the bills from my eye surgery…. the VA is going to become a thing of the past for me, when we leave here…. I can afford it and I would rather pay, than put up with corrupt federal employees any longer…. or their rude god behavior….

Let the gremlins in, they are only passing through and when it is all said and done… find the positive of the moment and work on that… I know when I do the mood in our home is always up and full of laughter… because those gremlins are just a passing moment in time….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

REALLY??? SIGN IN AGAIN???

For real…. just had to sign in again and I never signed out….. there has got to be an answer to why this is happening…

We didn’t lose power… so not it… we did briefly lose satellite signal, but not internet???

I never turned off my computer and it has battery backup…. so not it????

So word press you tell me….

WHY HAVE I HAD TO SIGN IN TWICE TODAY?????

When I NEVER SIGNED out?????

Maggi

Options because of VA health care failure….

I really miss working and having private insurance, even though it was spendy… I always had a option and I had good care for me and the family….

When I had to give up work in 98, I fought for my full disability with the VA… I didn’t know at that time I had suffered multiple strokes and had many TBI’s, one that was severe…. No one ever told me………..

I had been using the VA after my discharge…. when we came back from Japan… but I also was civil service and had insurance…. so VA use was not frequent, until 96, when I started getting off the private insurance… by 98 VA was my primary care….

By 2001 I had won my social security disability, by myself, no lawyers needed… took me 2 years, but I did it… and I got my medicare…. which I didn’t use, but had to pay for….

By the time Mike got sick in 03…. we had lost half our income and were solely dependent upon my VA and medicare…..

Since being on Hawaii, I had Tri West, but now you have to wait for VA approval, so I don’t waste my time with the federal employees playing god at the Hilo office… endured that the first couple years here, enough trauma from that rude woman….

But… I still have options… I am using all of the above… my medicare, my Tri-west that was already approved and the VA……

And no one is talking to each other…………… yep health care in America….

What I do, get a copy of all the records from all the doctors I see… and If I fail to do that… Mike puts all the information about the physian in his notes and I request from them at a later date… regardless, I always keep a copy of what any medical or dental do…. including the eyes…..

And it virtually does zero good…. because, who ever you are seeing, has to be willing to look at the documents or records… and rarely do they have the time to do that… so what do you do???

Educate yourself…. Become an informed patient… Learn about your illness, make sure the professionals got it right… they are wrong as often as they are right, just a FYI on health care…..

I’ll gather all my info from everyone… scan it into the computer, as a memory of what did get accomplished… so that in the future… I don’t go through the same tests again… I can pull from the file and say…. this is what it is…… and own my own health care….a good PDF program is good for this purpose….

We are weighing our options… if the VA screws me on the dental, leaving here will happen in the spring and the house will be up for sale…. so play, maintain and wait…. if the VA does the dental…. Mike is already planting more trees, between us and the noisy roosters…. yep, they got more than one now…either way, my options are entirely up to me… not the VA… we are just waiting to hear what they plan to do, according to the dentist, I am suppose to know what is happening in November this year….and fairy dust makes you fly…..

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

No Giving Up…..

Quitting… not part of my make up…. I knew in 98 I was done working… with all the chaos from the strokes and no answers… I was not able to live life and function in a job… and the psych tests showed PTSD….

21 years later and I have my answers and it took me fighting a broken VA system to get them….

The information I don’t share, shows I have had continious health care my whole life… and 90% of that care… Government… via Military dependent, to Active Duty Veteran, to Disabled Veteran to private insurance and medicare kicked in 2001…. so you see, though I don’t say it… I have never been without health care and I have the VA, Military and Civilian medical records to prove it…

My biggest gripe, no matter how many times I complained of the same symptoms… no one pursued them… they wrote them off as part of a misdiagnosis in 98 at the Spokane VA and no one ever questioned it, but me….

I have to own the fact that we moved a lot over the last 20 years… but my care was consistent and on file at each VA…. and civilian records were provided to the VA…..

One thing every doctor here on Hawaii told me… and I mean every doctor…

The records they get from the VA are full of 3rd party rhetoric… you know employee (FEDERAL) employee comments… that have zero to do with health care and everything to do with that federal employee keeping their job… TRUE STORY…. and as with my records…. I have 2 other veterans records mixed up with mine… FYI…… BOTH MALE!!!!!

This has gone on since I was born…. and I am living it’s failures right now…

But those in congress, get the best of care… the majority of them will come out of congress multi millionaires….

And we are just suppose to bend over and say….. May I have some more please???

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… I have never seen morales, values, ethics, integrity, truth, honesty or transparency in government in 65 years and they say they are religious and believe in god????….

Thought gone again… thanks Word Press….

Ya know, I get people are afraid of words…. and I get people just love to play god….

Everytime I have something to write about with brain injury and memory…..

Word press fucks it up by making me jump through hoops, just to get to my blog and write…..

I read about how christians have plotted and planned for centuries, to keep the religion alive, just so they can continue to lie, steal, rape, cheat and murder….

all because they are so afraid to live life on lifes terms… so they hide behind gods, so they can go to their grave thinking their is redemption????

ARE YOU BAT SHIT CRAZY?????????

Sgt. USAF DAV, garlic farm, moat and upside down cross’s….. are definitely in my future….

I ATE IT ALL……..

I was told about 20 years ago that I was pre-diabetic….

Back in the day, I could drink a couple pints of Dr. Pepper, eat a 16 oz steak and huge bake potatoe, smothered, and top it off with a king size candy bar…. and I started looking like what I was eating…..

By 2004, our lifestyle had changed so much, people didn’t know we were still alive…

We quit the bar scene, changed the way we ate and most of all, we got up and kept moving…..

The last few months have been up and down and all around with trying to force the VA to take care of my dental…. when we were at the oral surgeons office that day, they were making appointments for veterans for implants… I asked for those in May 2018!!!!!!

Between trying to get my eyes, teeth and body taken care of…. I have tried to stay on the straight and narrow when it comes to diet…. and I failed….

We went to the store Thursday hungry and bought what we shouldn’t and last night I ATE IT ALL…. or at least I ate a whole Zero king size bar… took a while, with few teeth, but it just melted into my mouth and tasted oh so good…. and by 9PM I was ready for bed….

By 10:30PM…. I was making my first trip to the bathroom and this went on all night…. because…. I am pre-diabetic and I just put my pancreas into overdrive…… and when I do that…. my bladder jumps on the band wagon…..

This is a habit… nothing more than that… I feel stressed, I feel worn out and I feel pissed off…. all because of the Hilo VA, Hawaii….. so much for health care in America by our government…

Ya know, all these morons running for president…. pushing health care….

THEY CAN’T EVEN TAKE CARE OF VETERANS, HOW THE HELL THEY GOING TO TAKE CARE YOU???????????

Sgt. USAF DAV

Rich buy their way out of prison…

Trump is a prime example, got money… no jail time…

Same goes for Hollywood and Huffman an the rest that cheated our kids from getting a fair education….

If you believe in white mans god…. or you have your head up the ass of the crooked elite…. you can fuck over every American….

Hunger games got nothing on the corrupt elite of hollywood an Washington… and christian church….

Sgt USaF DAV

Figuring it out, to save my own ass…..

Peers, hmmmmm, naw, guess you could say I gave up on peers, after the gossip… so nope they didn’t help….

Kids, hmmmm, some lessons learned, my life put at risk to save theirs, rewarding??? I’ll get back to you on that one….

Husbands, hmmmmmmmmmmm… well there has been 6…. The first one cheated on me… the 2nd one was stuck on himself… the 3rd one, fell in love with the wrong woman, same for the 4th… the 5th, no good answer on that one… now number 6…..

25 years married, and we still really don’t know each other… he has secrets and I’ve always known that… people back home do like to gossip… the favorite saying back there… “you don’t lose your wife or girlfried or man, you just lose your turn”… I still find that amusing….. but it’s true….

Ups and downs… we both have them… we do and say what we shouldn’t, only because of frustrated with our selves… and sometimes absorbed with ourselves…. got to have me time once in a while….

With hubby, he has been hearing my stories and suspicions since we got married and when I got my memories back and confronted the family…. any doubt he had, as they say… left the building…. once the MRI & MRA…. I too had to accept the truth….

So far every diagnosis I pushed for, that I told Mike ahead of time would be… has been 100% accurate… both of the neuropathies…. recent infection… which by the way, I can feel my nose again… sinus infection for over a year… and it really works… the nose that is… I bitched about my eyes, my teeth, the numbness, the pain, the headaches, yada, yada, yawn……. and I started that bitching in 1977…. 5 years after leaving my parents house….

40 years to get answers… our American health care system failing on a massive scale….

I have a gift… I use it daily…… Sometimes I get it right and I save my own ass… sometimes I see it right and save yours… as I did with Mike…

Funny, all the obstacles in my way, over the decades… seem to be such small players in a bigger picture of me saving my own ass……

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Patience… do we really have any???

Words, always found words fascinating…. but I couldn’t tell you the difference between a verb or a preposition…. I think that is one course I barely passed…. had to have it to get my graduation out of high school….

I find the interpretations we have, so often disagree with the dictionary…. and anymore with emojis and other forms of communication…. the english definitions are fast being replaced with the modern interpretation…. most of which I don’t get, because I don’t know them… just that simple….

Patience is not a virtue or gift… patience is a choice…. one that I had to work on over the decades….

Not knowing about the many strokes and head injuries, has made life interesting and very trying on any patience I had… but in time it grew….

I knew Mike was dealing with a issue… after 25 years he owned it… now he is working on it… I was just patient enough to let him own it….

I knew I was being played by my own family, and I had to fight denial, before I realized, my patience ran out in 2010, in Freda’s kitchen when I told her I was missing memory…. to walk away and never look back at the woman that gave me life and worked so hard to destroy it… was easy… my patience ran out, when she denied me critical health information…. she is just a woman who gave birth… no tears for her passing shall pass my cheeks… just as they did for Don’s death… patience is not a virtue…. it’s called letting life do it’s job….

I never wanted children, I knew deep down, my body was damaged and so was my brain… but I had to have patience to wait and see what life delivered… Sherlock Homes I never was…. no I was Watson in the wings, waiting and watching… but I was left with a choice, let life live or live my life…. I chose to let life live and it’s been a thankless task, not a gift…….. yet always hope and patience, they chose a good path in life… always hope… it is their lives after all… that is why I gave it to them… and was there… guess that wasn’t enough….

Patience is something I am learning to understand… I know, yesterday the brain wave happened, but it was a chemical reaction, and I enforced patience into the moment… because I recognized the moment in time….

I may not be the most polite person on the planet… I treat people the way they treat me… except hubby… him I push to become more… because I know he is capable…

Everything in life, has to do with our ability to be patient… and let life do it’s job… sometimes it needs encouragement and motivation…. but most of the time…

It just needs us to be patient……

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV

Word Press sign in?????

Really, what is your problem kids????

You just getting your rocks off, to see how many times you force me to sign into my own site????

WHEN I NEVER SIGNED OUT??????

Why bother writing, when you are forced to jump through hoops to just write on your own blog?????

Nope can’t recommend this web site… they got problems….

Maggi

Half glass full….

Never really got that saying or many other droll sayings, that are just brain candy… much like religion is… so is poetry, science, fantasy…. so much brain candy out there…it’s hard to chose….

Post op day… I keep seeing a ball of something come in my line of vision… doc called it gunk, that should dissolve… as for the floaters and other things… a laser may be in my future… but the vision eye test, shows my vision is improving in the right eye… another week of all drops, and we drop to steroid drops till I go back for the last post op, just before the next eye surgery…. wow, another month on top of this month… oh joy………..—

Filling up the pantry and freezer… means I only have to go anyplace, if I have too… works for me, till I have teeth…

I know things will get done, because I won’t back off pushing for them… at some moment in time, I have to take the lead and do the documentation and make a statement, signaling, it’s documented… like we did, when we got VA Hospital directors fired…. you know those jobs are presidential appointments… helped to get 2 fired… and still paying for raising the hell… oh well….

Not the first time the rug has been pulled out from under me… we are set, where we are at… AC is blasting… outside noise no longer an issue… freezing in the living room, so we can cool whole house… lil blankie near my chair…. dogs are happy though… only outside to do what they need…

What gets me, with all the negative lately… no depression… a little pissed, annoyed and disappointed… but no depression… maybe that is why I am dreaming again… the guard is down… acceptance has entered the playroom…. only time will tell…..

Tried shopping in different stores, nice change of pace… but stocking up is what I am doing, so, I can just hide for the time being… I wouldn’t recommend this… I have things that keep me busy… couch potato, not in this house….

For now, it’s be entertained by the brainless wonders in the white house and U. S. Senate… seen this act before with Nixon and the Republican corruption under Reagan… so for me, its brain candy… in a weird way….

Try and gather proof the VA in Hilo is messing around and hope I can get someone to listen… with Trump in charge, seen this before in government, when the leader is a fuck up, the mice play to their hearts content… remember… I started my federal service in 1971…. I walked away from it in 96, fed up with the corruption…. so, yea, it’s brain candy and I told you so attitude… with just a hint of swagger…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Health Crisis, how to take on the VA on Hawaii….

So, I am at this crossroads of health issues, created by the HILO VA office on the Island of Hawaii… so what can I do, to fix or get the care they are denying me????

Lets go with a little back story history of why the dental issues the Hilo VA let get out of hand, became a health crisis… and I am not going to get the spelling… I still can’t see to change settings, even on the computer, but I will try…

I was told back in 84 I had a sliding Hiatal Hernia… in other words, my stomach moves up and down… and initially the thought was it was genetic, inherited… but we didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle… this issue has bothered me since I was a child… which is why I was so skinny….

When active duty, in 78 the doc said, “Your rib cage is so calicified, you would think we are looking at the ribs of a 65 year old”… I was 24 at the time… there is the first clue…

I have had my stomach scoped 6 times… each time the stomach was in a different position, according to the measurments they take, when the camera is in the stomach and yes, you are sedated…. the last scope was in the last 10 years by the VA…. no need for more… it has a pattern that is recognizable to me now… thus the weight loss in 98 that freaked everyone… I was down to 116 pounds… because of the stomach moving so much…

In 96, bladder surgery… in 2008 bladder surgery…. 2009 bladder surgery and removal of transmesh…

In 98 the doc told me my rectum was loose and I was at risk for down the road… so I started trying things to make my bowels work better and not put stress on the rectum….

By 2009 the rectum was detaching, because of the transmesh the VA left in me for a year… damage done…

It took from 2010 to 2018 to get a “Rectocell Procedure”… major surgery… don’t ya just love prompt health care by our government….

Only one problem with that procedure… if I have any more issues with my rectum or bladder, I am looking a a pelvic floor rebuild, the last chance operation… none left after that….

So you see, my diet is very important… I don’t have bowel operation like you do… I have to take enough magnesium, it keeps mine liquid…. so it’s beyond major importance that I be ABLE TO CHEW MY FOOD TO GET THE NURTRIENTS I NEED!!!!!!!!!!

and right now and for the last 3 months, chewing my food is not happening, which puts bigger pieces in my herniated stomach, which has to process large chunks and that means it goes through my bowels in larger amounts and here we are, passing food that is not fully digested and creating a problem for the rectum, just repaired last year…..

I tried adding fruits to the diet and got reminded that the rape at 12 years old, introduced interstatial cycstitis to my body…. so between the rectum and bladder… my diet is fast becoming a non diet of food or more like processed foods that I can let break down in my mouth, without having to chew….. doesn’t make sense I get it… but live in my body, no man could… they would go running for mommy….

Hubby watch’s me struggle to eat and swallow and he sees the spasms my chest goes into, when trying to get bigger bites of food into my stomach…. thus the ice cream, I was able to just swallow it, no chewing involved….

I eat, don’t get me wrong, I eat… it’s the chewing and making the food possible to work with my body, not against it… and I am increasing the amount of magnesium… only one problem with that…

I have adhesions that attacked my instestines in the military and nearly killed me… the pain from what I am doing, is not just with the mouth, but from the mouth all the away to my waste system…. not enough pot to make this bearable… but I am smoking enough to find out!!!!!!!!!

I plan to ask the dentist office, when they open next week for all the documents about the implants and start my own investigation… nothing will come of it… seen that way to many times, investigations buried, so the federal employee keeps the job and the veteran suffers… but…..

It’s called a paper trail that will eventually make the light of day and expose the corruption of the system… maybe not in my life time… maybe it will help the next generation of veterans....

Must be nice to sit in congress and get paid so much and have the best of health care, while veterans like me suffer more than we ever would have on the battle field….

That is a sad but True Story…. heard in the news of military death, via Taliban… when will our lives mean anything????

When religion is no longer part of society and laws and equality for all happens… right now…. so much for an enlighted 21st century….

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% Service Connected………

Eye surgery… what they don’t tell you….

Okay, it’s been a week since the right eye had a new lens put in… and want to talk about a roller coaster ride…

You can be walking and all of a sudden, you have no depth perception and you are walking around like you are marching, because you got no clue how close that ground really is…

Or… like me, you use all your devices, okay not the phone so much, to little screen… but the Ipad, that I expected to see… and I can, if I can enlarge the screen, not all apps let you do that… so it’s useless…

So I get on the PC and use my big bertha screen, BECAUSE… it I can see, without major issues, kind of… okay it’s off and on too…

They don’t tell ya, that your eye glass’s are useless after surgery, because the new lens in your eye changes the view and if you didn’t get the lens that does close and far… which ever one you declined, you’ll need glass’s for… my choice, get the distance lens, so driving, TV, yada, yada, yawn… no glass’s…

If I was a addict of any kind, I would be so screwed with the frustration of having eye surgery and not being able to see…. clearly!!!!!

It’s trial and error… put extra eyes on that has old script in them, and it helps, till the headache starts in the eye operated on…. sigh……………..

Other than my sight… hunky dory type day… Mouth doesn’t hurt… yet, I haven’t put my partials in and they are literally tearing the inside of my mouth up… but I got to eat and keep my weight stable…

Shatz & Hirono bitching about DOD money being used for Trumps wall…. I want to know why they aren’t bitching about this VETERAN, who has been waiting since May 2018 for dental implants and am now in a health crisis!!!!

HOW ABOUT CARING ABOUT THIS VETERAN!!!!???????

we are expendable…..

Day started… time to get to chores.. figure out what I can cook today to eat with as little pain as possible… hope springs eternal… but I am going through a lot of pain medication and it’s only time before my kidneys tell me no more pain med… they have done it before… VA isn’t trying to heal us… they are back to killing us…..

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% Service Connected!!!!! So much for promises these morons take in office…. as long as they get a paycheck they are good….

347% uptake in mass shootings…

Since the assault weapon ban expired… 347% uptake in murders by christian AMERICANS….

NRA loves to party on your dime, just like TV preachers ripping you off….

Trump gets off on watching you an me be brought down by mass shootings…

Saves Trump the trouble of rounding everyone up that does not look or believe like him an his white nationalist base…..

My suggestion, if you are American and a god hugger….. you might want to get your things arranged now… Christians do not give a heads up before they murder, or rape or lie or steal or cheat….

Unless you are Trump an do it in plain sight…. you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to get head out of ass….

I Remember….

Lingering Issue???

Though relieved to have the root out… never good to let anything decay in your mouth, to close to the brain….

That being said… when he took the root out and the dude is good, barely had to wiggle it, kind of pried it loose and grabbed it… but when he did… I felt something I shouldn’t have and that isn’t good….

The front bridge work that Arkansas VA did in 2010, has bothered me, since it was put in and when the surgeon nudge the root he was removing against the root in the bridge, I felt it and I shouldn’t have felt anything, IF… it was healthy…. can I please catch a break???

I have been suspcious that the bridge and endo work done, may be faulty and I will know that next physical, before my eye surgery…. Doc ordered a full CBC plus….

If I have any kind of infection going on… numbers are going to be off in a couple of areas… I hope she is checking my white count… can’t remember if that is part of a CBC anymore… been too long…

If the last bridge is failing, oh dear, what a mess… talk about no more speech… I struggle now, once the partial is out… imagine no upper teeth… oh geez… that may warrant a picture… lol… I am sick… ya know, I gots a condition….

Until I have teeth, we won’t be moving anyplace… I intend to request all the documents from my dentist and start my own investigation… either I take care of it and get my answers…. or I do another letter like I did in New Mexico, that got me black balled as it is with the VA… lol… I need to find that letter, I nearly wet myself reading it a few months back… its in my pc some place, need to frame it…

Post op this week and I am home for most of the month, until just before my next eye surgery and our last road trip to Kona for the year… I’ll be hiding… Though halloween, no one would notice anything if I put war paint on… I’ve been known to do weirder….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Blight on the Land… Mauna Kea….

We have driven this drive so many times… it’s the shortest way to the other side of the island, where we pick up our dogs medication, because it saves us about $500 a year by getting it at costco…..

Our first trips over, the road was rough… much still had not been rebuilt since the lava flows of the 80’s….. it was worse than 4 wheeling, which I don’t enjoy, even though I bought a 4Runner last year… for the home we haven’t bought yet….

This was our first trip over since the demonstrators took up residence…

Out of respect for the people and the property they had every place, I didn’t take pictures or video… not for you, not for me…. this is their fight…

What I can tell you… what was a pristine and beautiful place, is no more…

Now the state is bringing in national guard and out of state police, because so many of our police officers are related to someone on the moutain that is protesting…

The cost to us tax payers… already over $4 Million…. and oh my, that money could have done so much good…. just as with Trumps stupid wall… so too does this way of demonstrating cost the common man and woman……. and with the nation heading into a recession and with the lava flow from last year and hurricane damage we got from last years storms…. this does not bode well for the state of Hawaii….. especially my island….

I have seen the worse side of demonstrating… google the riots of Okinawa, circa 1970/71 Kadena AFB…. this was a very ugly event and we were only kids, being escorted to our school bus’s by the security police… that was a memory I never forgot…. I was only 16 and people had no problem shooting at kids or anyone, that didn’t look like them…

We have to go back over in a few weeks and I hope the drive will be uneventful, like today…but….

You can’t close a blind eye to the blight on the land….

Sometimes, remembering isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…. I miss the days of Aloha….

Pray it away…. #NotMyPresident or god…

Walmart says once it runs out of inventory, it will quit selling bullets????

Hawaii is sending national guard to deal with Mauna Kea????

Why not just pray all the problems away????

Because… Prayer ONLY BENEFITS the person saying the prayer…..

ONLY HUMANS who communicate with each other resolve issues….

Prayer just lines the pockets of the cons who are tax exempt…

Money before humanity… Profit before life….

Sgt USAF DAV

A Defeat is still Success….

Hot day on Hawaii… News telling us the demonstrators are less on the mountain… the impact to people will be harsh, with the holiday season fast approaching… wanting respect for a mountain, but no respect for military dead… I take issue to that kind of demonstrating….

Sometimes a defeat is a success…. I had to pass on oral surgery 2 days before eye surgery… if I had the tooth done, the eye surgery would have been cancelled… so I went with my eyes….

Just got a call from the surgeons office and they had a cancellation… so going over before October, in a couple days, and one less dental issue to deal with…. plus do a little shopping…

Not looking forward to going across the mountain, with the demonstrators up there…. had bad experiences before with people who take the law into their own hands…

So we have a few trips over the mountain over the next couple months… and I doubt it will be enjoyable….

Excited to get root extracted… I can smell it, no matter how much crest I use…. now I can push for a new partial, so I can chew my food….

Sometimes things happen, because of other peoples choices…. someone chose to cancel an appointment and I got the call.. demonstrator numbers are down and hopefully it’s quiet up there……

Yippee……

I Remember……

Challenges… are challenging…

Talk about up, down, back & forward…. I can’t keep up, my head is spinning…

One minute I see fine and the next, well damn I stubbed my toe…

One minute my mouth is just fine and damn I bite wrong and I am in miserable pain….

One minute I am cool as a cucumber and the next, I feel like I am in a sauna….

Life throws challenges at us all the time….

It’s how we face those challenges that make or break us….

I don’t always win or succeed…. If I had, I would be a multi millionaire…

Instead, I am just another speck on the planet, trying to survive and have fun in the process….

Sometimes challenges, seem like a mountain… when in reality… it’s just a stubbed toe….

I Remember… Margie…

Trumpism… is flourishing on Hawaii….

We walk early, because of the heat, so I can get a mile in before it gets to much for me… so we walk before 7AM….

One day, people wave and make eye contact… as we have no sidewalks, so it’s road or lava….. and ….

One day, like today, people won’t make eye contact and they sure as hell don’t slow down….

Makes for a scary walk… which is why I taught our dogs the word “CAR”!!!

We say the word “CAR” and our dogs head for the lava, grass area along the road, also hoping the sound of car, tells them to move over… always hoping the animal is smarter than you think…… they don’t like walking on the lava… stickers, rocks and what ever else someone threw out the vehicle window, which is usually glass that broke upon impact… hello… lava rock…….

Makes for a challenging attitude towards people on Hawaii… and our area, is suppose to be a nice area… ya know respectable, little to no crime… yada, yada, yawn… it’s obvious that changed when the eruption destroyed over 700 homes last summer and people had to find someplace to live… our hood was it….

I told hubby, what about leaving this year… and if we didn’t have a bill, we would… so it’s wait till we hear what the VA is going to do for my dental… which they will be getting a Emergency request for new partials… tired of causing myself issues, because I can’t chew my food completely….

So that will cost the VA a few thousand… and I will still fight for implants… either way, an answer will come quicker than later…. got my heart racing about doing a letter…. I just don’t have that fight in me anymore against the VA…. to many federal employees took their pound of flesh out of me and that fight…

Just isn’t in me… I would rather gum my food to death, till we can leave here and get back home, where I can afford to have a dentist there do the work…. yep, PTSD because of Federal employees and many of them are veterans… just wow… Obama helped us get rid of those employees, Trump hired them back……………….. and people wonder why veterans take their lives… just look in the mirror and how you voted… that tells you who is killing veterans……

I push to make myself go back to places of business that gave me a bad experience… be it the customers or the employees… I haven’t done that since we moved to Hawaii… I just find a new place to shop…. but with me missing so many teeth, I don’t go out in public anymore, except for doctor appointments… so home is my prison, because the VA didn’t do the implants a year ago as requested… nope… making me suffer is on someones agenda and that is a female employee at the Hilo office I pissed off… so pay I must…

Nothing new in that respect… christians have been making me pay since the day I was born… why??? Because the only gods on earth….

Are human…. just look at Trump…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie.. who, as usual fights to keep the positive side of life alive, no matter how much other humans playing god impact it…..

WP you got issues!!!…

My Ipad is new… bought it for christmas… so it’s got the most current IOS and I always make sure my stuff is updated and protected…

Looks like WP did a update for the Ipad and Iphone and screwed up…

Okay gang, I have been saying for a while, who ever is doing the coding, they are not doing the vetting to make sure the coding is working… I mean come on, right now, you just got to make sure it works on the platforms you promote…

And right now… you are making my life, more miserable… Ipad is mobile, computer is not…

I have to sign in repeatedly on the computer and now the Ipad is not working with the site…. so guess what kids…..

I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

Human error, rarely is it the programming, but someone who got to quick on the draw for an update…

So who ever is babysitting my site, because of my vision…..

GO BACK AND UNDO WHAT YOU DID!!!!!!!

Maggi

Arizonia Memorial so much for sacred…. its American, not Hawaiian….

Just heard on the news that the helicopter tours are buzzing the Arizona memorial….

This is the most profound memorial for dead U.S. service members and helicopter tour operators think its okay to destroy the quiet of the resting place of so many of our American service members!!!!

If this does not show you Mauna Kea is nothing more than an excuse to get attention….

My bad for bothering you….

Sgt USAF DAV

I smoked my first hooter in 1978…..

I entered the Air Force in 77… never did drugs of any kind… but I did like a good cocktail… learned that on Okinawa, when I dated GI’s…. as a teenager… I was the teen…

But pot or any other drugs, never had any interest… and as I grew, I learned why…

I never could tolerate anything like speed, they gave me a diet pill in the military and oh my, it was Jekyl & Hyde… I passed… caffeine and I, not a big fan… cigs, more of a habit, than addict, quit cold turkey… after 30 years of playing with that… but pot…..

Now pot I was introduced to it in the military… and I found, I liked it, some… but I could tell, something was off with it, and with us growing our own here on Hawaii, free of chemicals, I get what made me like it and hate it back in the day… but… it helped… it calmed the chaos….

Why the confab… Hubby is an alcoholic and he picked up his first hooter 48 years ago….

He was going to college at Las Cruces and was on the Deans List every semester and graduated with a 3.8 GPA…. he got one degree in Architecture and was working on a 2nd degree, when he got ill and had to quit…

The mans brain, supposedly fried, according to science… and he was on the deans list…. now, don’t get me wrong, if he smoked pot, while doing school, he couldn’t remember crap… so, we saved that time for when no school at all… he made good use of my Military benefits… as my going to school, will never happen….

So, as for science and the damage drugs and alcohol do to the brain… Hubby will be 65 next year… and he’s one of the smartest men I know… and just a FYI… he started the booze at 13…he’s working on rebuilding those cells that went pooof…..

So though science has it’s say in our lives… so does, genetics, environment and most of all desire to grow…. only humans have that ability… not so with the religious….

I Remember… sometimes….

I want to stay at the kid’s table…

Funny, getting my memories back has been beyond any roller coaster ride I tried… and yep, been on the corkscrew at Knott’s, got off and cussed in 3 different languages… never did that again… the ride… that is…

I believe the reason my life is so good, even after all the strokes and beatings and rapes and destruction of my career by government cover up…. even after all the screw ups with military and VA health care…

I have the best of lives… why??? Because I get it…

I have lived life, had a brain that would have gone places… had a memory ability, to die for and I did… die for it…. had a personality that still attracts the broken and lost…. had so much void, I thought it would never be filled….

Knowing… knowledge is the drug that makes my world go round and I don’t ever want to leave the kids table… because I thirst for my knowledge….

Not knowing about the strokes and injuries, made life a constant battle to find the person locked away in my brain… not knowing kept me in the dark for over 50 years… because a human called Freda, played the only god known to man… a human god…. as for, forgiveness, it will not come from my lips…

that time passed when I stood in her kitchen in 2010 and told her I was missing memory and she refused to provide information…. life will deal it’s blow… not me…

I want more time on earth to explore all that was denied me and time is running out… or maybe not… I may be the exception to the rule for having had so many head injuries and strokes…..

I hear a giggle in the back of my mind and it’s Margie, reminding me never to leave the kids table….

She’s right… knowledge is the only thing that can make you grow….

I’ll never be far… from that kids table…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Eye Surgery & TBI….

I have had head injury since at least 5 years old, that can be proven… any injury before that, I can’t confirm…

My vision didn’t become an issue, until the stroke on Japan after the Texas beating and near death….

All of a sudden I need glass’s…. and that continued for the next 50 years….

Last week, I had cataract surgery in my right eye… and according to recovery… it could take days, weeks, months or years for vision to stabilize, so you’ll likely need glass’s, if you are among that group….

I can remember getting car sick after the first head injury from blunt force trauma via adult…. from that point on, vision and I never were the best of friends… headaches, light sensitive, depth perception… thus the motion sickness…

This cataract surgery is taking me back to when the first remembered head injuries occured…. and lets put it this way… me and the car, not working together… our road to the highway is up and down little hills for several miles…. not a big enough barf bag and head hanging out window… not happening….

They told me that depth perception could be off for a while and the headache I got in the back of my eye, is telling me just that…..

I think I need to go find the motion sickness pills and sit still for a while…

Enjoy your Labor Day holiday…….

I Remember… Margie….

Pain Delay….

Getting this cataract surgery was the most frightening surgery I have ever had done… only because… DAMN they be your eyes!!!

This morning, I woke up to a charlie horse in my right leg and you could tell that I had inflamed the lower muscle from exercise… so pills popped, limp around to get the knot out and realized…

I never rubbed my eye last night…

This morning as I was doing my thing… I yawned and nearly let out a yelp, the cheekbone, below my eye was sore and obviously bruised, you just can’t see the bruise… surgeon told me that area could be sore from the device they use to keep you eye open during surgery and 5 days latet, yep I know it was messed with…

If I had that root extracted, I would not have been able to tell what hurt… eye or mouth… that tooth is directly below my eye… instincts once again protected me… and my knowledge…. that root comes out a week after my next eye surgery and thankfully that eye is no place near the root being extracted…..

Dreaming, it’s happening, no clue what I am dreaming, but if I remember I dreamed… a memory is coming forward… I do wonder how long this will go on, or if it’s just a part of who I am and something I will always have in my life… does that mean PTSD forever???.

Relief… yesterday the realtor came by, Mike met her, I was in the AC house…. she will do the lock box for us, YEA!! when she comes to the island for the holidays… only thing that will stop that, if the VA is doing my implants… so now it’s wait and see what kind of death care the VA is willing to do???!!!

The pups know I am in distress, when putting the drops in it was a butt dance in my recliner as the incision in my eye healed… yesterday was the first day, I didn’t dance in my chair… so it’s healing…still scratchy, just a little…funny how the pups know we are in pain or sick…and humans just turn a blind eye….

Vision is interesting… try and use Ipad for research and I can’t see squat… can’t take the lens out of my glass’s as they are lightweight and the frames are stable only with len’s in them… so, not much I can do, but just go about my day and hope I don’t cut a finger off, making dinner… Hubby has been very helpful in that respect, after I cut off my fingernail slicing fish up for tempura…. oooooops….

Weather is grey, wet and muggy… had the AC on 2 days straight, it’s so wet, you feel like you are breathing moisture from a lung machine…..at least it’s not brutal hot… but the dogs don’t spend much time outside either… so hot it is… me… I am inside, freezing………..

Relief we are off the market and I can focus on health and not keeping the inside spotless… will be happy to ship our stuff and follow a couple months later… and the house will sell quicker without us in the picture… so tiny living in a 5th wheel upon our return, till the house sells…. oh yea… did that before with 5 dogs… we are down to 2…

Day started, need to go walk, before it gets hot for the day…. watching the hurricane Dorian… and hope family and friends did the smart thing and left…. hope for the best, prepare for the worse….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

M O O N spells biscuit…

We taught our pups early, for a treat, certain words were used… m. o. o. n. is our go to word for treats

We started spelling out moon, to substitute the word treat…

Fingers are optional… they like their m o. o. n. treats…

I remember…

A wise Man…

A wise man once said… “I do not want to save the world, just my little piece of it”….

The majority of us want free speech, right to bare arms an not fear leaving our home….

For thousands of years, prayer has been used to stop violence, be it mass shootings or rape… Prayer has not saved your little piece of the world….

We all have a chance to change the face of America, by one simple act…..

Vote… with your voice an let it be heard…

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember Margie…

I Prefer Voting, to Praying…

I get under peoples skin, because of my anti religion… no apologies… you entered my world, not the other way around….

Up until I watched Don die… I toyed with the idea of god and heaven and hell… and I started reading… remember all those books I gave away, had to replace fantasy with some reality....

Internet came along and gave me the world library… and as long as I was able to see, I made use of that world library….

As with all religion, they are right and I am wrong… and that is okay, they live in their little world… I live, in the real world….

I think and I know I am not alone on this… but voting will do more to curb gun violence… than prayer will do in 1 million years… they been at it for a few thousand already, and all they have done is prove how corrupt religion is… and that is a well known fact… Catholic, Baptist, Mormon, Jehovah and the list goes to long to sit here….

But people voting, usually do it for the greater good… not so with religion… as victims of the church’s will tell you…

So If I offend, oh well… it’s my opinion, my world and my interpretation of events that came about, because humans got drunk on religion… and tried so hard to silence me….

So I will save my breath on the prayers and send all the positive energy I can to heal those afflicted by gun violence… it will do just about as much good as prayer… but they say it’s the thought that counts….

Personally, my vote is the one that will count yea or nay on gun violence… and it will be up to humanity to decide if enough is enough… until death knocks on your door from gun violence… keep praying… and I’ll keep voting….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Got that Itchy Feeling…

Can you tell when life is about to change for you??? I said I had a gift, is that it???

I am itching to get back into research… one moment I can see everything clearly, including print and it’s gone in the next moment… it’s teasing me…. and it’s utterly unfair, but oh, so much fun….

I can see again… granted only out of one eye, but I can see colors and off and on other things… guess what they said is so very true, time is what makes the choices on my eye sight… but, I have laser work needed… I have floaters…. oh well, I can’t win on health, just not in the stars…

I’m ready to move, but things are being done, need to be done and when life throws a wrench into your well laid plans, oh well… not everything goes as planned… most of the time, but that bump in the road, called other people making choices that impact you… played into our plans…

Growth… you hope that others grow and you too… you hope that going home and the choices we make are the right ones… we won’t know, till the end of our days….

The itchy feeling is for growing, learning and experiencing new things… push outside my comfort zone even more…

We are trying a new method, when we are out and about… no encroachment into anyones space and just constantly watch ours, so that just maybe, being out and about can be pleasant again… if we pretend, all is well…….. Trump does it with such ease….

The waiting on the VA for answers and decisions… is like being active duty and that is ridiculous… I did my time, they work for me… not the other way around…. so, torn about implants, as we plan to leave next year… to late now, with my eye surgeries happening…

So the itchy feeling is there and that is a good thing… I am ready to move on….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remembe… Margie…

Need a Directional Finder???

Anyone with a TBI can relate to this, especially if you had a severe one….

You are either a planner or you live in chaos… and most, from what I have been exposed to with head injuries… most of us are planners… we like things orderly, only because… the TBI introduced Chaos into our minds.

Getting my memories back has helped with the chaos… getting the oral infection that was spreading under control also helped with the brain… and being able to tell the difference between an abnormal brain wave and it’s symptoms and the weirdness of hot flash’s from menopause… just a FYI ladies… doc told me, hot flash’s can last up till the day you die… True Story… (I nearly decked the lady when she said that, true story)…..

But when the abnormal brain wave happens, I get chaos, like a seizure, which is why I am willing to have Neuro do more extensive EEG tests… I know I can control this, with knowledge… I hope…

Doc has ordered a full CBC plus for the next physical in a few weeks… I am curious… any sign of infection left??? thyroid numbers staying consistent??? eh… that’s the only questions I got.. oh an white count….

Outside hanging laundry and the halo in my lower right peripheral vision… hoping that settles down in time… or sun glass’s are a definite purchase… no new eyes, till a month after both surgeries… so new eyes, maybe in November… which, by the way… the VA is suppose to decide if they are doing implants???

I mean this pencil pusher is pushing for a lawsuit… not being able to chew, is killing my hiatal hernia which likes to move around and that is creating real health issues…

Mike, I keep informed, so he knows what and who to go after… diary, not so much…. food and I not on friendly terms again…

We are talking of options… VA should give us info in a couple months… Senator should be able to tell me why I had to suffer for over a year…. doctor ordered consults for neck and trigeminal nerve and neurology… so lots appointments will happen while here… and maybe more answers….

If no implants, we ship our stuff home in the spring, I pay that off, and we follow a few months later, making our move as debt free as possbile… so glad we got kids who can unload a container into storage, back home…

Another year on Hawaii, and in the news, business are going under because of the protestors… property being built, and they have to sell because the job is gone… protestors are thinking of themselves only and this is really going to cost all of us here, because of them and Trumps tariffs….

Hot outside, kept the house closed all day and night, to humid to open… and it’s stayed nice and cool in the house last night, in fact, we were under blanket by morning… so the AC does do a good job, with a little strategic fan placements….

I am hoping the mood changes on the island, but it’s been this ugly since we moved here 3 years ago… the Aloha, like the seniors tell us… is gone and it is evident in some areas…

No migraines, no hot heat in the brain… and thanks to my sinus clearing up, I can taste and smell everything… needless to say, cleaning is being done… and air purifier is running….

Still trying to figure my bite out… I have gotten better at a different resting position, but that’s only because my eye wakes me up itching and I am more focused on that, than the jaw…. can’t win… honest… caught myself rubbing my eye at 2AM… oh joy…

Still can’t tolerate the heat and humidity… so the house is my prison, unless in the car… with AC… the neuropathy is taking it’s toll and the numbness in the maxillary, is more pronounced with the missing teeth, but it’s been like that since 1967 and the near death and stroke….

Chores to do, things noted… Twitter is fun, waiting for that day, when they shut me down… as for Word Press, until I can see up close and read the stuff for this site, I’m not sure what the issue is… just very tired of signing in, when I NEVER signed out….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Rape… the taboo subject… edited

Rape is not an easy subject to talk about… It has been in the fore front of my thought process, since Trump became president and watching Kavanaugh get put on the Supreme Court, under the guise of christianity….

Every rape I was forced to endure, was by a christian…including the raping of my soul by christians… the body they took, the soul I took back!!!.

The first rape, I was 12 years old, he was a Staff Sargeant in the Air Force and he raped me as I lay next to his 6 year old daughter, in the middle of the night…. I was the babysitter….

The next rape happened in Bonita, LA… up the street on the corner at the gas station… Freda was out having her fun getting pregnant with my half sister… and the sister younger than me… showed me true christian love, with her spite and envy…. again I was only 12 years old…

About that time is when the IC, I can’t spell it, but will try… it is called Interstatial Cystitis…. painful and impacts the foods you can eat, such as breads and fruits… all from the SSgt in the Air Force… that said he was a christian….

The next rape happened on Okinawa… night of the foot ball game, and he worked for my dad and was in the Air Force… I was only 17 years old…

The next rape happened by a cousin, upon our return to America… I was 18… take and you shall recieve… he profess’s to be a christian….

The next rape happened in uniform… I was in between one of my many marriages and was invited to a party off base by a couple of officers… and when I reported the rape, I was asked… “What did I do to invite such behavior”…… The drink tasted funny and I have bits and pieces of that drugged night, but the faces of the men that took their turn, never left my memory….. so much for officers and gentlemen….

All this happened before I got to the age of 30…..

Men who profess to be christian, just like Trump, Kavanaugh & Thomas….

Want to call me a liar… oh please do… I remember each and every man…. and the house the officers lived in, Enid, OK……….

Rape is not a subject I talk about… It, the christian form of faith and cruelty has touched me my whole life….

Christians have done more damage to America’s Democracy, than any war, ethnic or sexual orientation impact….. Christians like Trump, Kavanaugh, Thomas, Moore, Mcconnel… have infected our nation…..

Another shooting in Texas… not at the border… not by a border wall… in a small town called Midland & Odessa… we used to hear the news about the kids games, those towns were a part of our environment, when we lived there…. how sad, that a mans sick words can do so much damage… and I am referring to Jesus christ and Trump…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie, and the face of each rapist wafts by in my mind… you never forget, when someone takes from you…. never ….

I left one out deliberately…..

Do Not Follow…..

Leadership… I have seen real leadership, worked under it, enjoyed it, respected him… he was a 3 star general at Yokota and one of the nicest guys I ever had the pleasure to work for…

I always had good work ethic… enjoyed most jobs I did, regardless how ugly it was… it kept a roof over me and my kids head and clothes on our back and barely food on the table… but we survived….

I had no desire to be a leader… and when I made rank in the military, I was acutely uncomfortable… so I did honor guard, to build my talents of supervising… that I enjoyed… the honor guard… supervising… not really…

But anyone who knows me, knows I can be bossy, so it’s in there some place, this leadership thing… but I have no interest in it…not because I don’t want the job… but because I remember….

Peggy made a comment once that we raised our siblings… at that moment in time I had little or no memory of my siblings as children… and to this day I can’t tell you if we did or did not… my first time as babysitter, was before Don went to Vietnam and I was 12 years old… so I doubt we had much to do with the little ones… why the lie, you’ll have to ask her…

Being a parent, I found intimidating and very over whelming… add a ex spouse in the mix and a kid… oh boy, has that been one soft shoe manuver….

Values, ethics, morals, honesty, integrity and most of all truth… always tell the truth, even if it hurts… these are my 10 commandments… so no… do not follow me…

I have no desire to be your inspiration, voice, reason, excuse or brain candy….

I am just a human, who fought to take her soul back from humans that became drunk with power… called religion….

Religion has done more damage to Americas democracy, than any war on earth… and that is a True Story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

We are what we are….

This is a good article, raised to believe this was a evil life style, I quickly learned the evil was in the word christianity….

DNA testing is fascinating…. That is how we proved our roots….

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-49484490

Moments in Time….

Traffic driving by… sound of birds…. The wind blowing the tree tops as if doing a Hula dance for mother nature….

Lawnmowers going in the background….

All around, a lovely day on Hawaii….

When quiet moments like this come along, I have hope it will trigger a good memory… and it usually does… but only from my time as an adult… none from childhood…

I used to wonder why I was so fascinated with the stories like, “The Many Faces of Eve”, or Alfred Hitchcock, or The Twiligt Zone or best yet… The Outer Limits……

I never got into the Ozzie & Harriet show, or Leave it to Beaver, or my 3 Sons, yada, yada, yawn… feel good head fake… that was not what was happening in our christian home, far from it… by many involved….

I often wondered why I read psychology about people assuming another persons role in a family or the manipulation of the religious right wing mentally ill…

Over the last 20 months… I have remembered, and it really does explain my fascination with the above subjects….

It was fun getting into the minds of the above sciFi writers minds… it helped me navigate the mental illness in my own parents home… and it is still there today… all my siblings are under her spell… you really can’t fix stupid… no matter how many degrees you get….

I plan to submit to more extensive EEG tests… I think the brain wave is something I am learning to control, now that I am fully aware of the activity… but for me, I need more information… just like a computer program… the more complicated the code, the more it is capable of doing… same with the brain… the more aware of the issue, the more you can work to fix it, or at least adapt to it… for me… it’s, fix it…

Ghosts of memories are here, they float by and tease me… like a good ole fashion strip show, not like today… but like Gypsy Rose Lee time…. yep, I am that old…

I think the more I understand the brain wave and its interaction and location…. and I understand the area that has damage… the greater the chance of me recovering all my memories… does that mean my memory ability will change???

Nope… the damage is done, you can not reverse damage, but that doesn’t mean the information is gone for good… and that is my goal, as we spin our wheels, waiting on the VA and hoping to sell in the next year or so… recession may have a say on that subject… oh joy…. this summer is already a scorcher, last one was too, next summer, oh boy… warmer water, more hurricanes, like the east coast is seeing….

Thoughts and good vibes to all those in harms way….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…and her vivacious laughter….

I WANT to be depressed!!!

Okay, I give up… Uncle… you name it… over it…. and where the hell is my depression????

Honestly, with all I have been through… the way my kids did me… the way my family did me… the way the federal government does me, regularly….

I should be DEPRESSED!!!!! and I am not…. wow………………………..

Knowledge, if the family had done the chrisitan thing, be honest, truthful, own their lives… I wouldn’t be writing this blog… instead it would be a full blown fantasy write… which is where I used to live in my books….

Not knowing about the stroke and the fact so many lied… from father, to mother, to sister to brother to grandmother and aunt and uncle…. all christians who lied…

Yep, got no use for religion or the humans that cling to it… but……. where is my depression????

House didn’t sell, implants have not been started after 15 months of non stop pain… Eyes getting done on my dime… when in reality… I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BEG FOR MY VA HEALTH CARE!!!!!! but no bother, now they are just murdering us again… seen that before…

Still, where is my depression??? Other than being restricted on physical activity… I have done all my usual stuff, plus some… which isn’t much, when you can’t see, but still big Bertha lets me play games, don’t win, but I can play…

I honestly thought I would be stuck with PTSD for the rest of my life, because I have had it most of my life…

Who knew a little bit of knowledge could go so far… I did… but the living isn’t telling me, they are telling their god that lives in their head…

Maybe it is better I keep my distance from them… gods in your head… yep, you be bat shit crazy.. yea but, showing up unexpectedly, would so be worth it, just saying……

I should be depressed, but I’m not… just tired of this itchy thing in my eye… which is slowly fading away… the itchy that is…an hoping the VA gets its head out of its ass and starts the dental implants… Monday dentist gets called and told off market and I want a brand new upper partial… either way, it’s going to cost the VA…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

I can’t see to read…. edited

One draw back with this eye surgery…. I can’t see the screen on my Ipad or Iphone… to little and can’t use my glass’s, because my vision has changed… kind of a catch 22 on this eye surgery…

Now my monitor, which is 3 times wider than yours… makes it possible for me to see the typing as I do it… and fix errors… not so on the small devices… I am at the mercy of the red lines, showing miss spelling…

This is going to go on for the next two months…. oh joy……

Had to sign a form from the realtor taking us off the market… Mike had to read it to me and show me were to sign… not good when doing legal business, if you can’t see and make rational choices…

This real estate mess is all on me and nothing more to be said… I own it… and next time around, it will sell… I learned from this lesson and it’s a expensive lesson….

As for typing… I started typing when I was in high school on Japan… one of the few class’s I remember… barely… it’s just with the neuropathy, I have involuntary movement and will get ahead of myself typing and make a royal mess… so trying to slow down…

I may not be able to read this again, unless on the PC… so it will make for a interesting read down the road, when I can see…. again….

I Remember… Margie…

Big Bertha, my eyes…

Off Market…

Out of 7 houses I have owned since 1988… this is the first time I didn’t get one sold….

You take risks, or sit and speculate of what IF’s… Speculating is Trumps thing… not mine…

So….. here we sit on Hawaii… the one place so many want to move too… and we want to move away from….

Our original plan after our first year here… do 5 years… leave the spring of 2021…. that is looking more like a reality and achievable goal…. but….

We know if the VA does not start my implants…. we are shipping our stuff home, next spring and following after the house sells…

We furnish the house and all you need… groceries… means leaving stuff behind, but when I figure the cost of staying…it’s a push financially…. easier to start over on the mainland… than here…

Here, it will cost someone about $15,000 to set up house… this way… all you need is your food and satelite reciever…. for DISH…

Could we have done that to begin with… yep, but… again that pain in the ass word… crime was an issue, because of last years eruption… and leaving the place full of stuff… it wouldn’t have been here for long… just that simple…

This way… our stuff, that we keep, kids will put it in storage for us… we make sure the realtor can do a lock box… and every showing, we throw our suitcase full of meds and jewels in the car and leave for a couple hours… we are out of the way, and the realtor can sell the house…..

That way, all we got to do, deal with air lines, dogs and shipping our vehicles… much easier move and less clutter to cloud the buyers imagination… it is a little house…

If implants are happening… it will be spring of 2021, we pack up and leave and the house is empty… by that time the recession will be hitting, and me replacing everything on our income… to spendy….

Always options in life…. you just got to make the choices when the time is right….

Got out and did my first walk since surgery… could see the mile down the road to the ocean… not super clear, but not clouded either… looks like glass’s are still in my picture… oh well…

The new build down the street is up for sale, not a good sign… I can’t compete with a bigger home, brand new and not far from me… got a feeling the recession has already hit us… just by the price of everthing they ship to the island… buying local is cheaper, but less options… here we go again…

Succes is not measured by what you accomplish… but how you face the failures along the way and learn from them… we learned from this failure….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Above the Law….

Have you noticed??? If you believe in gods or superstitions….

You got rights…

If you say god is hookum and superstitions are for the mentally ill…

You got no rights???

They say in America, psychology is used to lock up the mentally ill… the ones that will lie, steal, cheat, rape and murder….

Why haven’t you locked up christians… that is their MO!!!!

Not even 6AM and we have bangers up and down Makuu street…

Sure the land and the seniors are worth something…

15 minutes of fame on national TV, saying a mountain that is made of rocks, and soil and bacteria…. has a soul???

Really when did it tell you that????

I Remember….

SCREAM!!!!

Ever get a eye lash in your eye???

Or scratch your eye ball???

This glue crap they put in to hold the new lens in place, is like having 100 eye lash’s in your eye an you just want to ram your fist in your eye an just rub an rub an rub…..

Woke up a couple times during the night, found myself rubbing the eyebrow area above the eye operated on….

Want to talk about trying your patience an how many times can you shove your hands under your ass to quit….

ITCHING!!!!

Ugh… I remember….

I.G. Complaints Against VA…

Yep I filed a couple, and after the first or second one I did, back at Las Cruces, New Mexico… aginst the El Paso VA… in 2011… my VA health care has sucked…

No better words than that…

I have medicare and have had it for a while now… so I got my care through that off and on, till we moved to Hawaii…

Made the attempt to use the Hilo VA facility and the rudest of children work at that place, so I gave up with them, and used medicare, until I could get the Tri-west… and thanks to Trump, we are back to waiting for VA approval, so, Tri west is useless… just a waste of money… and rude employees… so much for civility in America….

We had veterans die before under other Presidents, that were Republican… Obama, at least he made it possible for people like me to file complaints… but he couldn’t protect us from the thin skin federal employees, many of them veterans… bigotry at its best…

I have been traumatized more than a couple times by federal employees… so I try to make full use of the medicare, when I can afford it…

Veterans dying under Trumps administration by homicide… go back and look… it’s not the first time…. and as long as christians have a strangle hold on democracy… more will die…

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% service connected…. I fight daily, victories are small, but sweet… VA will not be the one to put me under…

Assumptions took a healthy bite…

Keeping myself honest and not allowing for fantasy or wanna be moments in the past… is just who I am… I told a lie once and got caught, never did it again… remember… short term memory really sucks….

Tried reading a paper on memory making… itching to get back into research… how ignorant I was, going into this eye surgery, and can blame no one but, self….

At the other clinic, they had you watch a video and answering questions, just was not going to happen… thus medicare taking care of my procedure… the VA would just now be getting me in with someone else… and I saw the eye doc in Feb and he referred me for surgery… honest Tri west and the VA, complete failure… and rude….

Anyhow, because I had watched the video at the other clinic and I tried reading about the procedure and getting the information to stick… well obviously something I read didn’t stick…

Restrictive activity after cataract surgery…. holy crap on a cracker, you would have thought I had major surgery… but I get it, because I forgot and did it and I get it… the secret…

DON’T bend over… talk about a head rush and pressure… ouch…. so upright and squats for the next week….

I thought it was only about 72 hours of down time, uh… I was wrong… a full week of being a well kept woman…. I think the realtor taking us off the market was a smart choice… I have to do this again in 5 weeks…

Anytime someone comes up with a way to transfer our conscious into a robot… old age is catching up… still got some hair raising to do… necessity… the mother of invention…

I Remember… for now…..

My own body, BETRAYED me….

Really sucks, when something you think you know… get a test and something happens and someone says… oh guess what you are a “Super Taster”!!!!! NO IT’s NOT A GIFT!!!!

I just did my eye drops, one is for pain, one antibiotic and one a steroid… and you are suppose to wait about 5 minutes between the 3, so they can take affect…

Well, this is my 6th day of doing 2 of the drops and my 3rd day of doing the last one… and all of a sudden I taste this weird metalic taste and I know in an instant, it’s the eye drops… read something some time about glands, ducts, salivary, yada, yada… yawn….

Just a FYI, they taste like metal, acid, salt… just not pleasant…

I mean really, can I not catch one break after any surgery????

I think I do the drops till next Thursday, when I go back for a post op, but there is another appointment at the end of Sept for post op… oh boy, I need mints or something to taste when I do these drops 4 times a day…. ewwwww…..

I Remember… Margie…

Fear… the mind Killer…

We are born to dream of falling… did you know that??? According to psychology, it is normal behavior, which is why I dismissed my dream of falling for so long…

I became scared of heights and in the blog I write how I was fearless up till 8 years old, so I went to the top of Tokyo Tower in 68… Didn’t like elevators… and when that made no difference, I took flying lessons at Yokota AFB… took off and landed a couple times… never could tell the difference between road an river, now I know why… and that didn’t stop the fear of heights… nope, what did stop it????

Peggy told me in the last few years about how she walked my sleeping body across the top bunk and dumped me on the floor… yep, she kept that secret over 50 years… remember, uptake on the back of my skull, hippocampus, yada, yada, yawn….

Once the memory came back of the repeated drops… my fear of heights was gone… even took our guest zip linning here on Hawaii this year, no fear…. in fact, kind of okay type activity… been up the ladder working our 12 foot ceilings, no fear… PT had me do some funny exercises, and the kid said, you have no fear… and it seems, I really don’t, but that is a misnomer… I do have fear…

Without fear, we do stupid, we take chances and we do what we really shouldn’t… it’s not evil that happens in the world… it’s just people not afraid of the reprecussions of their actions… they didn’t sell their soul… they get off on it… humans are really no different from animals… see that every day…

I have some fear and once in a while it will cloud my judgement and it will costs me in the end… and if I repeat the action, I got no one to blame, but myself, for letting fear rule and not me…

Fear kept me from seeking answers for decades in a more blunt direct way…

Not anymore….

I Remember… Margie…

Anesthesia, Hippocampus & Thyroid…. Aha TBI moment…

Lets see if I can count all the surgeries since 1973… because I can’t tell you about before 1972, when I was getting my head beat on… so lets see if this thought that just came to me is right…

Tonsils… 1973 San Francisco, Army facility….

Childbirth 1974 Sacramento civilian facility….

1977 appendectomy April, Quincy, CA civilian…

1977 June, childbirth same place as Quincy…

1977 tubes tied day after childbirth…

1978 partial hysterectomy, Sheppard AFB…

1980 finish hysterectomy, Sheppard AFB….

1984 scope and sent back to room Yokota AFB, Japan

1984 next day, major surgery to remove adhesions from my strangled instetines…

1996 bladder surgery, Wenatchee WA, civilian….

2001 & 2002 Breast reduction, Seattle VA…

2008 bladder Tuscon VA….

2009 remove transmesh that caused rectocell, Tuscon VA….

2011 leg surgery, El Paso VA….

2018 Recotecell, Queens, Oahu, HI civilian….

2019 eye surgery, Hilo, HI, civilian….

I tried to list every surgery that I can remember, where I was sedated for more than a few minutes… I didn’t count the colonoscopy or bladder exploratory…. they didn’t have the same level of deep sedation as the ones mentioned above…. now what the hell does this have to do with anything…

Okay gang… remember, this is my diary… I don’t exactly have that excellent memory ability like I did as a kid, so, document, document… is what I learned working for the Staff Judge Advocate on Japan… best lesson I got from any job…. back things up with evidence… and make it good evidence….

All the above surgeries were with heavy sedation…. and most of them except the ones on Hawaii…. they stuck a breathing tube down my throat…. and I got to remember the damage they can do, by doing the breathing tube… and it has been found already… or it could be from the strangulation boob incident….

Anyhow… my point… I am sitting here in a robe, socks, pajamas and it’s 75 degrees outside and inside……. and Mike is running around in tank top and shorts… get my meaning….

The hippocampus is something I was reasonably sure had been impacted by the drops off the top bunk bed for a couple years… remember… thicker area in the back of my skull that was found when I was turning 30… and repeated bone scans showed my skull actually continued uptake during that time… it did eventually stop and I have been taking calcium ever since… and the bones have actually been doing the normal stuff, not the healing stuff, my body did, until I was in my early 30’s…

Someone, a health care professional, who saw one of the pictures I use for the blog, showing Margie around 5 years old and I guess to her, I looked malnourished…. I may have been… I found it difficult to eat, swallow and digest food after the TV interview beating… that’s my label for that memory…

I was called skinny weenie, olive oil, and numerous other thin jokes until I became an adult… I even didn’t look pregnant… so it’s a struggle to keep the weight on… which is stable again, finally (ice cream helped)….

I am cold… and the only time I deal with this kind of issue when it’s warm outside and inside…. anesthesia and it’s affect on the hippocampus and enochrine system, I think…….

I have set up my next physical before my next eye surgery and I know the doctor will want to test my thyroid… and I am curious too… are the levels staying consistent… if they are… I should have never been put on Levothyroxine and was being poisioned the last 26 years….

3 thyroid tests and the level does not change… that is what should be required before they put you on thyroid medication…..

Anyhow… It usually takes 72 hours for my body to get the anesthesia out of it and its impact on the brain to go away….

At least I have warm clothes and know why I am cold and not freaked out over imagined issues…

Again it comes down to the fact Freda could have saved me lots of grief, lots of surgeries and lots of issues… by just owning what they did… we could have built on that honesty… instead, she made sure my life has been a living hell, because she thought her secret about Donna and her affairs were not known….

They were never forgotten mother… just not mentioned… we didn’t trash you the way you trashed us….

I am mentioning them now…

I am very curious to talk to a neurologist again….

I Remember… Margie….

A Memory…..

The last few months, waiting on eye surgery, got me to thinking about when I first saw an eye doctor….

It was Japan, Johnson AFB and I was about 14 or 15 and both parents, Don & Freda… took me to see this eye doctor… don’t you find that strange, that they would accompany me for a regular eye exam at that age… both of them… 1 maybe, but both???

You see military dependent care, you have to be 16 back at that time, to go see doctors on your own… so yea, you had to have an adult… but why both???

Remember, I told you, after we got to Japan about the beating and I am pretty sure I am right, because I lost about 6 months after the stroke…

yep, they gave me another stroke, because I pissed off Freda & Peggy… such good christian women… about as thin skin as Trump and that is beyond pathetic….

Anyhow… I had just recovered from the near death… when my heart stopped and I had the major stroke… when I lost 9 months of time…. so when we get to Japan… Peggy is into what ever she wants and the slave… (me) was denied any outside school activities… someone had to babysit the brats while the adults played and Peggy was just to special to babysit our brothers and sisters….

so one day, I said something that pissed off the two vipers and when Don got home, to that thinly built off base housing…

He beat the crap out of the daughter he killed in Big Springs, Texas and got locked up in a psych ward for and told fuck up again and you are out of the military… well that one moment in time, Freda didn’t care… she wanted revenge, because she didn’t like the truth that came out of Margies mouth… neither did Peggy…. such good christians…

So Don beat the crap out of me again and I had a stroke… this time, things changed… because they knew if I remembered anything, Don would be arrested and the kids would be taken from Freda….. so they played me from 1967 till 2017….

Don, Freda & Peggy, played me… and continued to play me, until Nov 7, 2017 when I remembered the night Margie died…..

So, the reason for the write… they both took me to see the eye doc… Freda knew I had suffered a stroke and she knew if they could see that stroke in my eyes, they would be in trouble and would have to start scheming to keep their secrets from becoming public…typical christian….

I never forgot Freda’s hate and envy… nor did I ever forget Peggy’s cruelty, because life dealt her a blow and she envied me…. just wow… so much for christians and all that jazz about morals and 10 commandments… just wow….

It’s like I told them at the clinic for post op… I have seen floaters in my eyes, since the first brain injury at 5 years old and was dismissed and told not possible… well guess what dumb ass’s…. even after surgery…. they are still in my right eye…. all because CHRISTIANS beat the shit out of a 5 year old…

Such brave people these humans that need a label to hide behind called christian…….

Just a FYI, my closet is open, light turned on and bare…. how about yours??? I have never had anything to hide… EVER!!!

But I’m not a christian… just a human that will make mistakes… as is the only way we grow…

not so with christians… who need that label to protect them…..

I Remember… Margie….

I told you so….

Like I said before, my eyes and teeth, something I stayed on top of, because everything the VA told me, they got wrong…

What gets me… my right eye, which is now over all the sedation and dilating medicine… the pupil in the eye operated on, is back to it’s tiny little itsy bitsy size… my left one, twice the size… and it’s been that way for 20 years…

I told eye doctors, at Spokane VA, at private eye doctors and El Paso VA and more private doctors, like the one I saw at Sams club before we moved…. and saw another eye doc, in 2017 and 2019…. none of them mentioned the large size of my pupils over the years and I complained of double and blurred vision… !!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPEN TO EDUCATION IN AMERICA!!!?????

With my right eye, I can visibly see the long cataract on my left eye and can see the pupil is larger in the left eye, trying to see through the guaze type substance that blocks light….. 20 years I complained…. 20 FUCKING YEARS!!!!

I quit reading my books back in 2001 and gave them all away in 2006, when Don died and we couldn’t get out of town away from the psychos fast enough… I gave the books away… you really can not fix stupid, and it becomes more apparent why they got pissed at me, an uneducated patient, that knew more than them, the licensed college educated idiots called doctors….

My hippie doc I got now, that’s my nickname for him… has gone above and beyond to inform me, educate me and insure I get the best of care… it will cost me a couple grand, from what the staff told me, using my medicare… but….

The eyes are the window to our souls…. just look in Trumps and all you will see is Trump…. souless… a typical christian….

The eye is annoying with it’s glued together seam, which really is the only irritant, that and putting those 3 stinging eye drops in my eye 4 times a day…dogs freak a little, cause if I get my eye just right, the stufff hits the incision and the dance is on in my recliner…. good thing it’s comfy for butt jumping…

The vision is there in the right eye, and the extra eyes are laying in reach, but not any good anymore…

Looking forward to getting the next eye done… seems like the first 72 hours is the most fun and things start to settle down…

No migraines, no teeth pain, except the normal stuff like TMJ and partials and the exposed root… no having to take pain meds either…. so yep, I made the right choice putting off that root extraction… my eye is sore down to where the root sits… would not have been a good scenario with the root out 2 days before eye surgery…. sometimes listening to your gut, will do more than just save your ass…

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

So glad I didn’t use the clinic the VA sent me too… they wouldn’t answer my questions and had zero concern about my TBI’s!!!!

Hot Damn, I got sight….

Tried wearing my eye glass’s and got headache in eye that was cut on….

So, leave the extra eyes off and after about 10 minutes I was reading the Wheel of Fortune puzzles, the words in the next commercial, yada, yada, yawn……

They told me my vision could change over the next couple weeks….

When I got trifocals a couple decades back, I was walking around like I was marching….my depth perception was that bad with corrective lens….. thats where I have been since surgery….

Now, its grab the dark glass’s the doc gave me an no magnify mirror when doing my routine….

I know this will change, but so far, other than the glued seam, this is one geek out experience…. for a ole womanโ˜บ๏ธdamn itchy when I roll my eyes at Mike๐Ÿ˜‚…

I remember Margie…..

Memories are Fading….

Wow, this has been an interesting ride…

Memories that have always been front and center….are fading…

The bread crumb trail Margie left, is taking its place in the past…

Does it have meaning, psychology is up there with getting all the nuances of it together an solving the puzzle… I would say the anger is melting, the acceptance is complete, the understanding will never happen an forgiveness is not mine to give….

They have to forgive themselves and own their lives, and as long as the man made god is their only life…

mine has no value…. to them….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember Margie…..

Vision transition…. kaleidoscope type…

My migraines I get when I have the neuro net melt downs, give me a kaleidoscope vision, when the brain does its thing…..

I have no migraine right now…. but I have a new lens in my eye to replace the one cataracts screwed up….

The lens options, to me are confusing, as this is a non interest subject, so for me to absorb knowledge that I am not interested in, goes with the brain damage from the strokes….I will get info wrong… because its short term memory….

That being said, the lens I chose was for distance, an one of the problems with any of the lens is a halo type effect or kaleidoscope for me at the right peripheral lower line of sight…

Annoying, yep, but from what the staff an even the hospital called an checked on me, including surgeon… Each going over the things I might see….

This just means if you ever have cataract surgery an see what I am talking about…. add the worse head pain and body meltdown to that…..

Welcome to my world…. which can be as short as a few minutes…to the last one that lasted 26 hours….and not a damn thing anyone can do, but listen to me scream in pain if it last longer than 6 hours….

That has been my life, thanks to what people who say, know their god, thought they had a right to do to a 5 year old little girl…..

60 years of that kaleidoscope vision…. its called an abnormal brain wave, by blunt force trauma….. nice christians…..

Right now, hoping it goes away quickly, it brings on waves of rolling tummy, kind of like walking the plank feeling…. burp๐Ÿ˜ณ

I remember Margie…..

Thoughts are gone bye bye…

Thanks Word Press… you have done almost as good a job as face book on shutting me down… but Zuckerberg got religion after cheating all his buddies… just another normal day in a world, where for some bizarre reason, people think religion rules…

Well I’ll be one of those testifying at the trials about your mental illness and as eloquent as I am sometimes… It should make for quite a show…

What ever I had thought to write about brain injury, like so many others that came along… drifted away, because I had to jump through hoops for my first ammendment right as a American Citizen, born and bred on the soil Trump, so you can’t block citizens that way… neither can corrupt chrisitans….

We will come for you one day, round you up, lock you up, because you think you have a say in anyones life, but your own… that is full blown mental illness… the day will come…Trump is already trying…. boo.……….

Word Press you suck!!!

REALLY ?????

I had to go find my Iphone, just because for some reason only known to the men and women writing this application….

I HAVE TO SIGN INTO A SITE I AM PAYING FOR AND

N E V E R …… EVER …………………. N E V E R….!!!!!!!!

SIGNED OUT OF!!!!!! That makes over 30 times I have had to sign in this year!!!!

So over this crap… if you are going to censor me, do it and give me back my damn money, other wise, QUIT FUCKING WITH MY SIGN IN!!!!!!!!!

And NO I would not recommend your site to anyone at this point in time… Your application is the ONLY one I have had to repeatedly sign back in and authenicate!!!!

EITHER I HAVE HACKERS TRYING TO SHUT ME DOWN OR ITS WORD PRESS?????

Who or what, go fuck yourselves!!!!

Maggi

Life is about Choices…

Every choice I make, can impact your life… Be it by buying products from you and supporting your business… Be it hiring you as my realtor or doctor… Every choice you make, could impact the choices I make…

That is what makes the world go round, in a manner of speaking…

All of us… impact each other…

I feel a slight depression, because I thought I had the choices laid out for my house and selling it… but, because someone did not read the messages sent, they have already made a choice that will impact us…

It takes the stress off us and we know we have interest in the property, by the number of people that came thru… price, I think is the issue and possible recession… been through this before…

Realtor picks up her sign Sunday and I’ll get to meet her… and hopefully reassure her, we want to try this again… but not until we have answers from the VA about my dental implants…. once that is done… I am out of here…

I have no intention of being in this house, when it goes back on the market and hubby… we are laying flooring in the bedrooms, if dental is being done… sick of this cheap carpet and pad… no matter how many times I clean it with the carpet cleaner and the water comes clear… it feels like cheap carpet… duh….

Vision in my right eye is adjusting…. still feels weird and oh my goodness, those drops, especially the steroid one… sting like a bee… for about 30 seconds of pure torture, you get to do with 3 different drops… but so worth it…

The depression is a mild, thought here or there about, what has transpired since we went on the market… my biggest hope… the senator finds out why the VA has delayed my dental care for 16 months??? And now created a health problem… that is my question… getting us out of here, so I can get it done sooner is preferable… but reality doesn’t always work the way you want or scheme…. that is called life and the choices other people make impacting yours…

Life is about one thing only….. the CHOICES we each make…..

I Remember… Margie…

I Give Up…. past Uncle!!!

Ya know there are days I wonder what people see when I send an email or text… am I missing something by not being more informative… kind of thought I was doing that already, but I guess not….

Communication and words are important… and the biggest key, don’t interpert anything anyone else says for anything more than what the words that are spoken or written mean per the dictionary… your interpertation is just that and has value to you only……..

Problem is… we have religion that takes words and makes up definitions for those words, which are now a conflict in the brain… and there comes the alcohol, drugs, sexaul and physical abuse, the lying, stealing and cheating and my fav…. rape and murder…okay 2 favorites…words are words… we chose how to understand those words… why do you think lawyers get paid so much???

I thought the email I sent to my realtor said we would reduce price for the next few weeks and if no offers, we come off the market…

This has been the most erractic house listing I have ever had… and some of that is on me… the rest, communication….

So, after the email I just read… the buyers who were here yesterday, put an offer on another property…. and the ones we countered… are in lala land… so she is asking are you in or out… and if they are out…

We are officially off the market….

I think I have one sigh of relief in me… barely one…

Frustrated… never worked remotely with anyone in real estate, before… always knew who I was hiring and they lived in the same town…not so this time around and that is okay… this was a dry run and it cost us about a thousand out of pocket…

But we are ready to list next year, when we move back to the mainland… which is what I wanted to do to begin with, but hubby was paranoid about leaving the house empty… so you can guess who is making decisions now…

My money, my VA loan, MY CHOICES!!!! so over ignorance from any quarter….

Post op on eye went well… it is annyoing, itchy, scratchy and still blurry vision… but I can wear my glass’s and see okay, plus, my eye is still dilated 24 hours later….

Looking forward to doing the next eye and be done with this part of my journey to put Margie back together….

No more having to make things look spotless, we can relax and just live until we leave Hawaii… and that will depend on Dental and recession… we could very well be stuck here, only time will tell on that part of the journey…

As for having that root extracted right before surgery… was told today, I made the right choice to not have it done so close to eye surgery… sometimes I just go with the gut feeling…

I had read about that possible complication and had told the surgeon that when I talked to them a week before yesterday’s eye surgery… they couldn’t get me in, till 2 days before eye surgery and any swelling would have impacted my eye… so good call…

VA doesn’t know anything about my eye surgery, because I am using my medicare… so I can only imagine the bull shit gossip that will be generated at the Hilo VA office, because I didn’t jump on the extraction 2 days before eye surgery… gossip is what usually exposes the corrupt employee… now if the senator’s aid is reading my blog… she’ll know who to be aware of… but people have to do a job and frankly, doubt I will ever find out who the female employee at Hilo VA is that is sabotaging veterans health care because of her thin skin… damn that sounds just like any christian I ever met or Trump….

Regardless, that bucket of shit I keep falling in, seems to be keeping my ass on the road to discovery and not 6 feet under….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

TBI impacts Anesthesia….edited

Even though I gave the doc a heads up about my reaction to anesthetic, I still got more than needed….

When given just the right amount, I should not be sleepy the rest of the day, like when I had major surgery last year an had to get on a plane, equal treatment of veterans an Melania Trump does not exist…. remember she was in the hospital the day I had to get on a plane after major surgery…. government run health care….

Regardless, in bed by 8PM an I slept till 4:30AM, up twice during the night….

Only this morning did I feel like the drugs were out of my brain….

Biggest fear, not waking up, because yahoos do not get brain injuries like mine…..

Education in America is only good…IF you LEARN…..

Sgt USAF DAV, today I get vision back, after one eyed Willie is retired….

Got to remind self, asshole neighbor up the street started his motorcycle that has no muffler at 2AM yesterday an the noise continued till he passed out at 4AM, my wake up time for surgery… Anesthesia may have nailed me because I only had 4 hours sleep… Will be interesting to see next eye, an how I do… He gave me 3 doses of sleepy juice, while I was aware… Will be curious next eye…. hope I typed this okay, can not see crap out of my left eye….looking for red lines on spelling๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜

Hilo Medical rocks…

Aloha has been in short supply lately…, but not at Hilo medical…

Big thank you to the staff and special thanks to the surgical staff in “Short stay”…

Excellent care…. for my cataract surgery….

I remember….

Pirate Margie…

It is an experience, not being able to use my eye glass’s or use the eye they operated on… stuck with my left eye, that has a variety of blind spots…. lets put it this way, my lasagna an salad, did not all make it to my mouth… I have happy dogs๐Ÿ˜‚….

Tomorrow doc takes off bandage an I get to see again…I hope๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ…

I remember….

One eyed Willie…

Anesthesia finally worn off… Eye, feels scratchy, but the patch keeps you from rubbing it….

My left eye is the one that is real blind, so until tomorrow, when the doc does post op…

Writing may not happen…very interesting experience…

Aloha….

Eye Surgery…

Short and sweet… I remember him cutting into my eye and being asked a question and seeing weird blocks instead of vision…. an boy am I glad that one is over….

Best hospital staff at the Hilo Hospital on Hawaii… got treated like a patient and not a number that the VA dish’s out….

IV sedation and the kid did good, he listened to the TBI’s and strokes and gave me just enough to make me not care what they were doing, but not so much I was pukeing….

We have a showing in a hour or so…. realtor has not lowered the price yet on the MLS… but regardless, we get a decent offer and we can afford to take it, we are out of here… after my dental extraction, partial and other eye gets done…

So, not freaked out about next procedure… in fact they said my blood pressure was lower than the norm for a operating ward… so guess I was just more freaked in my head than anything… we do like to screw with our selves…

Home for the rest of the day, post op later…. I look like one eyed willie from Goonies….

Aloha…..

Neuro wave….

Yep, it happened… the abnormal brain wave gave me advance warning an it went down for a hour, maybe less… confusion for a few minutes, very very mild confusion….

Will be so interesting to find out what other tests they can do that would pin down the abnormal wave and if I can trigger it by thought….

Little tired, but not drained, not the first time I have tried to control the reaction I can feel happening….

We are more in control of our brains than you are led to believe, because of religion… which dumbs you down for growth….

Long day over, hot here today, cooling whole house because of the heat…. ready for fall, which for us is low 80s or high 70s….

We reported the dumping, before the rats an pigs make it worse… sad to see on such a beautiful place on earth….

I Remember…Margie….

Stacking the deck…

Starting to feel like one of those weird brain wave episodes…..

Is it the stress of eye surgery???

Is it selling the house???

Is it the hostility that seems to be thriving on the island???

Is it Trump๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜.???

Actually all of it… I can feel the transition an impact on thinking….

Going back an reading the early blog should be telling on how far I have come, since I remembered….

2 year anniversary is approaching….

This has been one interesting, challenging and most of all awakening….. and I am so curious how do I truly control it all, in my brain…. Margies hiding place an home…..

I remember Margie….