It was never Texas… It was Alabama and the boob incident… that changed everything…

When depression comes on and you are not smoking any good pot… The brain, or at least mine, goes on many different adventures into the past and it’s not deliberate… it will be triggered by a holiday, or specific players in my life…

What I had thought for 50 years, as the pivotal moment that changed my life… Was wrong… It was never Texas and the birth of my half-sister… and the trauma that happened in that little sleepy town… it was never the life altering moment for me…

It was the boob incident… geez, nearly threw up in my mouth on that memory… Which if you read the blog a year ago, you know the story, but I was threatened by the sister this story is about, even though it was because of her… Margie lost everything, because of that one beating and mothers lies have spread like wild-fire, because to know truth… you have to listen and people who hate you for what ever real or imagined reason… will drink it in like nectar dripping out of the flowers… and that blog was deleted and what you see is what I have written since… so some of you may not know this story and because of the threats from the sister… it will most assuredly be in the book… because to tell truth… you can’t stop me from telling it… unlike Trump… I do not stray from the facts and I own what I write… Truth does Matter…

All this time I thought Texas was the catalyst change physically from the beating, mentally from the trauma… but it wasn’t…

It always was the mother, it never was the dad… he was just a tool the mother used and manipulated… though he fed off of it and expanded his own cruelty over time….

How do I know it was the boob incident and not Texas… Because I remember… I was just at the very beginning start of puberty, maybe not out worldly, but internally, I could tell it was happening and all of a sudden it stopped… the hormones, the internal feelings of arousal an interest in the changing body and world… 

Though I developed physically, internally the damage my mother did when she beat me senseless over her 6 yrs old boobs… left its mark on my body, that I never forgot, because I brought it up many times to the sister who says we are close… and she is the one I got beaten for, because of her boobs…

Maggi6yr

This picture of this child covered in bruises with the hand print on her neck… all because mother was embarrassed over her other daughter who had a condition that caused her to develop a decade to early… this is when Margie’s life changed…. when the Bay of Pigs happened and dad was not home, but deployed…

I always kept going back to why I flunked a grade back at that time… always confused the time with Vietnam and dads deployment…

Because of this beating, the puberty my body had just started, came to a grinding halt…

I would be 16 1/2 years old, 8 years later,  before I became a woman and could reproduce children…. My body delayed development, because it was too busy recovering from all the beatings and by the time Texas happened…

I lived a world of isolation and escape… via my books, or finding any way to not be in that house that never was a home…

My story is not unique… to many children around the world suffer at the hands of the people who brought them into this world… because they were never adult enough to be anything more than jailers…. and abusers… and all because of religion….

This is not the christmas present I expected…. to remember… it wasn’t dad that took my life… it was mother….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Lost Generation due to Social Media…

My story is not new… so many have been where I have and still are… and it got me thinking this morning… Social Media has ruined so many lives and for what??? Money…. Power…. Greed….

I have written how brutal my parents where in the house of horrors… How mother took a rod to a 6 yr old child… and the bones in my hands let me know every day, they never healed correctly, even as I type, the pain is surreal… Yet… One thing I didn’t do to my parents… Disrespect them… Even when I was being kept from my father as he lay dying… I still gave my mother respect… even though I knew she hated me…

I never screamed at my mother, cussed her out or abandoned her, even though she refused to own her own behavior and life… only, when she refused to answer my question about missing memory… Did I finally walk away from the woman I once respected…. Mom….

That was 8 years ago… and since that date, I worked to find the answers she refused to give…. and I still refrain from lashing out at the woman, who broke a child’s body, only because she thought she had an image to maintain, in her doll house world… Much like our kids and the world they built around them, which does not include us…

We sacrificed so much, to be there for our parents… both mine and Mikes… we went without, all the while standing on our own two feet after the bankruptcy… all we worked for wiped out because of illness…. and zero respect for our property…

We have done for ours until we have nothing more to give to ours… The generation my children grew up in… would rather bend over backwards for a celebrity or a friend… before they do for their parents… They would rather say words, but the words are hollow and meaningless… because the actions speak louder than the words spouted….

Yes, at our age, you would think the kids would want to be around and be a part of our lives… yet, they chose their friends and fake news world, over the people they gave them so much…

That is the generation we live in… What Mike & I did, sacrificing our dreams, to be there for our parents at their time of need… Will not be what we get in return… Because continued behavior has not changed, because to change… you have to want too…

And our kids and grandchildren have shown, we are not respected, nor liked or loved… 

It has been lip service, because we are not their friends nor are we celebrities, nor will we enable their behavior of continued disrespect…

I have 2 christmas cards this year… One from Mikes step mother and one from his lawyer… Used to, I would get up to a hundred… but as life continues to move on…

We don’t even get electronic cards… Ya know, I have no cards from my kids, not birthdays, not mothers day and not christmas…

I quit sending cards to my mother after my memories came back Nov 7, 2017… Speaks volumes for what our children truly think of us… we teach by example and their friends and celeberties are the ones they follow…

Yes we still plan to move, but we are in no hurry… continued pattern of behavior by our family and friends, has shown us… the lack of actions on the part of the other participants…  we are not worth it to them, to make an effort to be a part of our lives… If they did, we would have a houseful right now… or some example of love and respect… We have none…

Our next move, will probably be of no interest to any that call us family or friend… I am tired of being the one who sends the gifts or cards to let people know I care… 

Next year, I expect nothing on my shelf…. because to be remembered… you can’t be forgotten… and I refuse to give anymore, because the dust on the shelf has become to thick…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Hate the holidays…

I didn’t used too… As my kids aged and I saw that giving had so little value compared to receiving…. I blame that on me, because of my own up bringing…. Wanted them to have memories that I did not have… Funny, my kids never asked me about my youth, I can only assume the stories they were told by family, doubtful of any truth in those stories…. as I have learned….but they probably believed…

Tried to do same with grandkids, an the more we did, the less we got in return….

When the opportunity arises to leave, you take it, an that is where depression takes control of your life. You make decisions based on the justifications in your mind and do not bother to reason those choices… Done that many, many times….

This time is different… Though I openly admit it is a battle that is ongoing… Do we move, and if so, what changes from what has gone on before….

Those dreams I had for my family are not only up to me, the other players have to participate, and the past says they will not, and the depression spreads inside me as warm an heavy as a foggy night…..

I always have hope, but I also have reality…. Not all of us get to live our dreams….

Mine were taken before I got a chance to dream them an if I accept that… she wins…

TomesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTelll

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt USAF DAV

Memories…the wedding….

Oh so many years ago… I decided to give it a try one more time before I turned 40… and I figured if this one was not a keeper… Elizabeth Taylor won….

When we got married, I had 2 grown sons and he had a teenage daughter… and I will tell you now… neither sex is easy, when it comes to parenting… and they still aren’t…

But what a life we have lived these last few decades…. We welcomed our 2nd great grandchild last night… a big boy, a little over 10 pounds… He will be one for the Omak Stampede if I know my kids…

Where did the time go???

Happy Holidays…

And welcome to the world Leo…. I would post a picture, but I never got one and that is the story that is impacting our decision to move… and here we go right back into the depression…. I think I quit for the day…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memories…

I bought a new program Nero18… so, I decided to play with it, since my depression is bugging me and you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine…

These are some pictures of my family and maybe 1 of me….

Merry Christmas, Mele Kalikimaka, Happy New Year….

May the world come to know peace and may someone sew Trumps hole shut…  that’s my christmas wish…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression has taken up residence…

Not surprised, but maybe I am just a little… Depression is not a straight forward kind of condition…

You are told by the professionals you are depressed, but they can’t tell you why you are depressed… So either you figure it out on your own… or you end up taking your life, because you can’t live with the darkness anymore… Thus so many veterans taking their lives…

Depression walked in the door yesterday and I had no way of stopping it… the circumstances were ripe for it to take up residence and tell me, it was sticking around for a while…

Took me hours last night to go to sleep… Recognizing what was happening and powerless to stop it…

Depression is like a summer cold, you know the risk is there to catch that summer cold and depression is no different… once you experience depression, it will always be hanging around in the background waiting for that opportunity to take up residence and ruin anything and every experience that may come along… and it did just that….

My mind goes back to a death, that touched me deeply in a family that made me one of theirs… and I was not invited to be there for the others that passed… that left an indelible mark on my heart and helped to build the wall between me and that family…. and that wall, is not likely to come down….

Not allowed to walk in my mother’s house and be with my dad, because every time I walked in that door, mother or sister made sure I never got near my dad… and I left, because to me, they were murdering him before my eyes… the call I got just before he passed, to tell me to come see him… he was already gone mentally and only the shell left… I did not go….anything he would have told me… they made sure he couldn’t….

Go home to be with Mikes dad and I wanted to stay longer, but hubby wanted to take me home, not realizing, he had done the same thing as my own family and my adopted family… Denied me access to someone I care about… Hubby flew back up there after we got home… I had to experience the death of his dad, alone…. much like the other deaths of the people above…

Last night my great-grandson was born… a difficult birth, because he turned out to be a bruiser… and my step daughter went out of her way to keep me and her dad in the loop… yet I felt excluded and not involved and it made me not want to pack any more for our move back to Washington…

Depression is an ugly illness, and most of the time, I am in control and I can reason it out and stop it dead in its tracks…

When other people play a part in your life… their choices can reverberate throughout the universe… and leave a black hole in yours…

Come to find out… Mike feels the same way… So depression is definitely in our home… only because, we deal with life threatening illness and we both know… life can end at any moment in our home… and we both accept that with full knowledge…

Mike knows if he was to die on me before we move… I won’t move any time soon and I will cut off all contact with anyone I know… He knows, I will finish the job I started out to do so many decades ago as a child…

Isolate myself, so no one can ever hurt me again, either directly or indirectly….

So yea, depression has taken up residence, when I should be celebrating….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Own It…

Thought my living on the Mexico border I knew something about drug trafficking….

I take it back, I do not know crap an I deleted that blog/tweet….

After doing more research, it is very obvious drug abuse in America is a subject I have no clue about….

I own my misconception… My bad…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Traditions Lost… never to be found???

I have a dream and I told my mother that dream when we moved to Arkansas… and if you could have seen the look on her face, you would have thought I had just destroyed her world, and in a way I did…

You see, I had planned to live near my parents until they passed, that was until, while house hunting, I told mom, I was looking forward to having all the family at my house for the holidays… thinking, to myself, all her complaining about the one that just passed, this would take the load off of her… instead, it was as if I just blew up her doll house world and her look of pure hate in that one moment, which only lasted a couple of seconds, spoke volumes about the woman I thought I respected, but she never respected me and her look said it would be over her dead body, before I entertained the family in my home…

That pretty much sealed the deal on any house I bought… instead we bought a fixer upper that was barely big enough for the two of us…. I sold it 4 years after my dad died and that was the time I stood in mom’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory from childhood…

What has this to do with lost traditions… For me, this thought process will play a pivotal role in where I move to next (which I hope is my last move)… but where that place will be… all depends on the behavior of a few key players….

We already know my son’s have no desire to be a part of my life… I won’t play the game of enabling… so that choice is on them… but I do have a step daughter, and grandkids living in Washington…. Now comes the hard part… do I live near them, so that we may be a part of their lives… or do we choose a home that they will have to drive a few hours to come see us…. and from past experience, that won’t be often if at all… patterns of behavior don’t change… unless you work at it…

At one time, the kids coming to me for advice was the norm… as they got older, they didn’t ask as often and that is always a good thing… but…. If they respected me and their dad, wouldn’t you turn to your parents for sage advice and knowledge??? It seems our kids have no need for that… They know so much, they put themselves at risk and their own, and we find out after the fact…

This is not a family dynamic, this is people living their lives individually and not seeking the elders as they go through life… and what does that do to the elders… for many, it is isolation, loneliness, depression, and they fade into the background, gone and forgotten… because the youth is all-knowing… gee is that how Trump got elected???

So this dream I had, being the matriarch of my family, does not look like it will happen… I am not big on lip service and I have very little respect for anyone that does it to me or Mike…does not matter who you are…

We sacrificed so much for our kids and now, we live as far from them as possible… because that help cost us everything and we got nothing…

I am not willing to go back to the same environment… because this generation forgot where they came from and how they got here… What I thought was doing the right thing, giving up my own home… has turned beyond sour in my stomach…

I am not sentimental… I am a realist… People have their own individual lives, as is everyone’s right… but you didn’t get their alone…

But alone, I think we will be… I am not so willing to pack the rest of my stuff… I have no place I really want to go… they say home is where the heart is… I guess you have to feel that heart, to feel at home…. Every action we take, has a reaction and that reaction, can reverberate across the universe, if we are unaware…. Sometimes, being self aware is a curse, not a gift…. and in the door you walk… hello depression, you have been gone for a while… wonder how long this will last….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Electric shock….edited…

When I say electric shock, I mean I felt a jolt in the nerve in my left leg, that transgressed up the leg (in other words it did the backwards action, instead of the brain, it was the leg nerve) and it hit my whole left side of my body… and than I could literally feel my heart beating stronger…this lasted less than a minute, but long enough to hurt, and not hurt in a cardio way….

This is a symptom of the neuropathy and the brain… When this happens, that is when I feel tired…

After a little bit, the nerve in my left leg will get hot, in fact right now I can feel things flexing in my leg, because the nerve is hot an active….it will feel warm to the touch, as if I had a hot mustard pack on my leg… not a fun feeling….

This leg had surgery in 2011, to release the nerve… The surgeon said the nerve was so compressed, it was amazing I could walk at all… an she asked have you had trauma to your legs??? At that time I said no, I had not remembered the beatings from childhood…

Having surgery, gave me stability… but the nerve damage is not reversible, so exercise is key to keep my mobility… Both legs are impacted, but I opted for exercise for the right leg…

Not comfortable when this happens and zaps my energy… Hoping to buy a elliptical when we move home next year, to help build more strength an keep that mobility…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt.USAF DAV

Neuropathy and it’s unpredictable pattern…

Nothing more frustrating than trying to pick out a pattern, when dealing with a chronic illness…

When the balance issue started as a teenager and the sleep paralysis, it got scary for me…

Had kids, and went into the military, now that was when things got weird, scary and above all frustrating…

Leave service and work for the next 15 years and all of a sudden my world falls apart, health wise…

Drop to 115 pounds and I am in my 40’s, with grandkids, and no clue or understanding of what was happening…

Spokane VA put me through so many tests and every diagnosis they gave me was wrong…

Fast forward 20 years later…. and here we are and there are still a couple of questions I want answered and they are connected to the neuropathy, because when you get down to brass tacks… It is all neurological… and I ask myself, shake my head, roll my eyes… why did it take from 1978 to now to get answers…??? That answer is easy…

The veterans administration is one of the most corrupt and inept organization the government ever came up with and I am walking, living proof of that…

Like I said, I have a full copy of my medical records from 1971 to now… the only thing I couldn’t get, my maternity records… so my childbirth in 74 and 77, nothing available… I know, the VA tried to get them and they had to go on my memory of those pregnancies…

So here we are… We know I have abnormal brain waves… duh!!! and we know I have Autonomic and Peripheral Neuropathy….

I just still have questions… why, does my body send a signal to my digestive system and it feels like someone just put a defibrillator on that organ and shocks the hell out of it and I spend the next 12 to 26 hours, either sitting or bending over the porcelain throne… this is something that has been going on, at least since my military time… Can not say 100% sure it went on during my teen years, I think it did, but I still have a little chaos with those memories…

Anyway, this last episode… Finally quit last night… after the time on the throne, the rest of it has been irritability and lack of appetite and sweating… sweating for no other reason, than that is what the body did… 

It is draining, physically… mentally not so much… so seizures just don’t fit the bill on these symptoms…

One thing about it, when this does go on… the headaches back off… they won’t bounce from one lobe to the other… if anything, it always gives me headaches in the right lobe only and that is the lobe I think that had the severe brain injury in Texas in 1968….

MRI is in a few days… so hoping they let me take a peek… I did some reading on the procedure and what the brain will look like for certain reasons…. they have no clue I have knowledge… so hoping if I geek out, I will get a peek, since the neurology appointment isn’t until Feb….sigh, health care for veterans hurry up and wait and wait and wait…

And people wonder why veterans die…. because America bailed on us… much like what Trump is doing to America… lol, now that is what I call Karma… America bailed on Veterans and now the leader of America bailed on them… funny if you look at from my perspective… okay warped and twisted, what do you expect, look where I came from…. christians!!!

Makes you wonder, if Trump leaves us so vulnerable, that another country like Russia, China or N. Korea, take the advantage and try to invade us… if you wanted to take down a world power… with Brexit and the chaos in Europe going on, unstable environment in the middle east and Trump throwing America under the bus…

Yep, we are assuredly ripe for an invasion… Ever live someplace where war was going on??? I can promise you, you have no clue how ugly life can get… just because people buy into fake news… brother will turn on brother… all because people like Trump are not in it for country… but for money and power… and ignorant that buy into the lies…

Like I said before, next year should be real interesting… World wide interesting…. I really do miss traveling around the world and experincing life, not just read about it…

Now, it’s just not safe to travel at all, because Trump threw the world under the bus by pulling us out of the middle east… Terrorism will take this opportunity and 9/11 will happen again, but worse….

Yep, you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to live it, only than will they blame everyone but themselves… and people wonder how we get to this kind of situation… easy…

To own your life, you got to be an adult, regardless the age… taking responsibility is something people don’t do anymore, because they would rather blame it on evil than the humans that performed the act…. Yep, next year will be an intersting one….

I just hope some adults show up and fix it, before it gets out of hand…. Looking at current leaders, I really got my doubts about adults… To be adult, you compromise for the good of all, not just yourself… gee that does sound like Trump, self first… America last….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Cycle of Life…

It is always a joy to welcome new life onto our little planet… One more soul that may have an impact on the world… or just may have an impact only to those they touch…

You always hope new life brings a perspective not yet observed by another… an that aha moment happens and you realize…

We as a species, keep repeating the same mistakes…

We elect corrupt officials, because of their silver tongue…

We follow religious leaders, because of that silver tongue…

Does not mean much, when humans keep falling for the same rhetoric that has been spouted since the time of greek mythology… 

All because, those that do follow such teachings, are so afraid of the world they are born into…

All because they bought into fake news… much like what is happening around the world… because those feeding that fire…

Fear LIFE…

Now that is truly sad…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I Became a Disabled Veteran….edited

I was asked, If I sustained no injuries as an adult, how could I possibly be a disabled veteran… well let me tell you a story of how health care really works in the military and as far as I know, still does today….

When I entered basic training in 1977, I had just had a child and was perfectly healthy, or so we thought…

Basic happened 2 months after my son was born and that was the beginning of my journey of discovery… because I was never told that less than 10 years before, I sustained a severe brain injury… So blindly I went into service thinking I was serving my country, when in fact… I was on the road to learning about health care in the military…

Once assigned to the Dental Clinic at Vance AFB… I was put to work immediately, working on patients… I did all aspects of the field, except make dentures or crowns…

A year after being there, all of a sudden we start getting sick… One airman was diagnosed with Hep C and I was also exposed…. our surgical gloves were defective…

When the end of my 5 1/2 years of active duty came to an end… The Air Force doctors had removed all my female organs… I was only 24 the 1st surgery and 25 when they took the rest… biopsy said that their was nothing wrong with my organs… zero, nada… nothing…

Military doctors are only as good as the training they get… Vietnam had just ended and getting doctors in the military meant every 4 years, you got fresh residents and the doctors who had experience left service and went into private practice… so our caliber or quality, wasn’t always there and most of all….

As a patient, I was never listened to or heard….

Because the Air Force put my body through the change of life and the damage they did to my body from the surgeries caused other complications to the already full-blown neuropathy that they didn’t diagnose…. in fact, it would be 40 years later, in Feb of this year, I did get a correct diagnosis…

Not only did the Military get it wrong and we are talking, Air Force, Navy and Army… all the doctors they sent me too… ALL got it wrong and the damage done, could not be undone….

Because of their negligence when I got discharged and the coverup of the rape and attempted murder of my children at Vance AFB…which helped to prove the military was trying to keep that scandal quiet, I was expendable…that is another story, but it does play a part in this….

That is why I am rated 90% disabled and 10% unemployable, because I am lucky I can stay focused long enough to work on this blog and book….

All because the doctors in the military ignored me and did what they thought was right for my body…

Keep in mind, I went through testing and meds all this time while active duty and not once did anyone send me to see a neurologist… If they had…

I would have had my answers decades ago, instead of fighting a corrupt VA organization and government…

My records from my time as a dependent daughter when dad was active duty are the records the government will not give me… Nor will they release the psych records on my dad or the records pertaining to the incident at Webb AFB, when I nearly died.

Our government is and has always done this to its military personnel and their dependents… but with the internet, more stories like mine will come to light…

I am fortunate… I have a full copy of my medical records from 1971 to present…. So I can back up my story with proof, provided to me by the federal government…

Now you get why I am a disabled veteran… they compounded a problem they ignored and my parents never told me the truth, and most of all…. dad was still active duty when I entered the Air Force…

The scandal, if it came out, a first sgt., nearly kills his daughter and is still serving… yep, always about image with christians and money, he was close to retirement…. Typical cover up…

Sounds a lot like what is happening in DC right now…

Truth Matters… maybe not to everyone that calls themselves christian or republican or democrat…

But to this American patriot…. 

TRUTH MATTERS…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Big Island Candies…

Sorry, got to thank this business on our little island… they are impressive…

Got this box today, with a letter, because of a defect in luster of a product that we had sent as christmas gifts…. a nice little surprise…

Never have I had a company back a product so readily when no complaints have been made….

We are not sweet eaters, but our family we sent gifts too, are getting another gift from the company….because they do strive to make some of the most decadent sweet stuff ever….and quality is very important to them….

Now that is impressive… we got a box, for just being a customer who had gifts sent out, we do not eat this kind of stuff for health reasons… but we have been to the factory and it is so hard not to want to eat this stuff…

To bad we have no close friends or kids here… guess we will just have to bite the bullet and consume this whole box… some one has to do it…

So a big shout out to Big Island Candies… If we are here next year… We know where we are shopping for holiday gifts…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Past does not stay buried….mom’s family is in the picture…

Going to get a little off track, nothing new there now is it…. But, got contacted by a cousin who had DNA done… love that… and she is the granddaughter of my grandmother’s brother…. and has loads of information about the family in this last century… Information I have struggled to get my hands on, while living here on Hawaii and all of you know my communication issues… so we won’t bother going there….

What the new cousins told me did lend some credence to the research done by another person and that research had to do with my mother and her siblings and being abandoned… and after what my cousins just told me, I think we can finally put mothers psychological profile together… and I will try to be as concise as possible with my supposition…

Mother was abandoned as a small child, but we didn’t know why, well, now we have a clue….

Come to find out, my great grand parents Charles and Lucinda Ball had almost as many kids as the Duggars we are related to…. They had 16 kids, with sets of triplets and twins and from what the cousins tell me… Those kids raised each other and that is clue #1…. If my great grandparents had no parenting skills, that explains why her mother had no parenting skills and why my mother has no parenting skills… thankfully in my line that is where it ended….

When children are abandoned and left to fend for themselves… they go into the flight or fight mechanism and never develop the skills to cope with life and they are always in that flight or fight mode for survival… I know, I lived that for 50 years after the severe TBI in Big Springs, Texas… and it did not stop, until I got my memory back, concerning Big Springs, Texas… and the lives of 26 innocent in Sutherland Springs, Texas gave up their lives and I got mine back…. Nov 5, 2017 they died… Nov 7, 2017 I started talking…

Knowing that my own mother had zero parenting as a child and she married at 16 and started having kids… she never left the flight or fight she started, when her mother walked out of her life… It explains why, when her mother died in 1968, she reacted the way she did… She never got closure from what happened to her as a child…

Does this excuse my mother, oh hell no… Stupid the woman is not… She is highly intelligent… just very jaded and warped by religion and the inability to face the reality that she was not wanted as a child…. and the lack of desire to own her own life and behavior… gee that does sound like Trump….

Thus why she did everything she could to make me feel what she felt and to isolate me, the way her mother isolated her…. and when, even as a toddler she could not get me to conform to what she wanted… she went out of her way to insure I knew what real hell was… and she succeeded for a while… but I never forgot, from the first memory at 18 months old and being hit to the last blow at 17 on Okinawa… I never truly forgot…

Than along comes 2010, when I stood in her kitchen and told her I was missing memory… and her reply…..” Some things are best not remembered”…. just one little problem mommy dearest….

I do remember….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

I got a feeling things just might get real interesting… thinking of spending the money and getting back in to my ancestry research and find that orphanage my mother got dumped in….

I want to try Hypnosis…. TBI & PTSD…edited…

Never been much of a believer in the art of Hypnosis….. and I have read quit a bit of psychology where they have used it to help someone bring forth repressed memories…

Do I think I still have memories uncovered… oh, you betcha I do… and only from experience can I say that… because there is a pattern to the PTSD and the memories it latched onto….

When I have trouble falling asleep and I am tired and should have no issues and nothing is on the brain in the thought process, I know something is still buried and that has been the last couple of nights and frankly, I have no clue what is buried, but then maybe I do…

If I have this edetic memory ability, and I made memories of the attacks… then the information is there, I just can’t get past the guard protecting the memory…

I put so much in place as a child, to protect myself, I have become my own worse enemy, when it comes to a couple of specific memories I am reaching for… and those memories are anything but pleasant… 

I have tried every thing I know and have read about how to trigger those memories and I don’t think I can get there on my own… but never say never in this process… the brain is the most powerful muscle we have and one we do not fully understand… 

But, I still want to try hypnosis and see if I am right, to see if that ghost of a memory that keeps flashing before my eyes is real, or it was just a mechanism I put in place to protect the child that was being attacked… Won’t know, until I get the VA to do it… So wish I had gotten that done, when they sent me to mental health here on the island… 

But, you defer to the specialist that should be all-knowing and you find… they have issues too and can not help you, until they help themselves….

So catch 22 here we are….

With TBI, you either make memories of before, during or after the incident… Rarely do you make all 3 memories if trauma is involved and that is the norm when it comes to brain trauma…

So what I see in the quick flash before my eyes, may or may not be a real memory… and right now I have no way of proving that one way or the other, without trying hypnosis…. so frustrated I am with the lack of response from the mental health office after a couple of phone calls to get a follow-up appointment… so what do you do… 

You give up… because health care gave up and that is the norm in veterans health care… people get their pay checks and provide zero service to veterans… nothing new there….

So we are trying an experiment… we deliberately ran out of pot and didn’t start growing any new plants, until we knew we were close to being out of the stuff… so now we are dry for the next month or two and that, I hope, allows the brain to take trips on its own and not be dummied down by marijuana….

It will mean dealing with lots of nausea, pain and everything else by medication, instead of a natural way… but sometimes… you got to take a chance and that is what I am doing…

Giving the brain a breather from the fog of marijuana and see, if possibly, that will allow me to travel to the part of the brain and get pass the guard, protecting those memories….

I know, I may have not made memories of certain acts, performed by the beaters…. I accept that… most of the trauma, I either remembered the before or the after, but rarely the trauma itself… and I only have a couple of events I want to see fully…. All before the age of 14….

So, work I have to do and hope that the next few weeks, with the brain free of its diversions… I just might get some answers, now that the chaos has melted into the background….

Just a FYI to who ever is reading locally my blog… I have cell phone records that back up my statement in trying to get a mental health follow up appointment, and of course, the phone was on speaker and hubby heard me talk, not once but twice to the employee at the mental health facility the VA sent me too…

I learned a very long time ago… EVIDENCE and documentation is the only way to back up truth and keep the business or government from fucking you over!!! How do you think I got 100% rating from the VA…. I have lots and lots of evidence, and the government provided it!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt USAF DAV

Closing the Door….Owning my Mental Health….

Lately, with hubby, I haven’t been too conversational… Haven’t brought up much of anything to do with the past or my childhood or what I remembered…. and he asked, was it because of all the uproar in America over politics and I had to reply….. NO…..

The psychological portion of this journey was over decades ago… what I have dealt with since getting my memories back, has been nothing more than a review of what I already knew, just buried it deep in my brain, so I could survive and cope until I knew the whole story… Assumptions is something I try very hard not to do…

When I woke up Nov 7, 2017…  I started talking about Big Springs, Texas… I did so with some fear and when the memory hit me, I screamed and literally ran the other direction…. that was 13 months ago…. a lot has changed mentally since then….

Deep down I had already accepted what had happened and the participants…. If I hadn’t, I would have treated the primary players differently… Instead… what they saw as a child, was what they saw as an adult… because I left home as a child and they never knew the adult… so they based their opinions and thoughts about me, on the past… The past they tried to bury, because in the christian environments my mother and sister live in… their world, they think people do not really know the kind of people they are….

I never forgot…. if I had, I would have been more open and sharing with my mother and sister… I never was, nor have I ever…. which if you read the blog, I caught both women in so many lies… their fake news world crumbled decades ago… and they both know it…

Once you start life lying, it is so very hard to get on the path of truth and own it… My mother and sister can never do that… because the path they took, was one they created to hide behind, in case I remembered….

I have no love loss for these people… I know them better than they know themselves… because I never lied about my life and they have done nothing but lie about theirs… and when you know the truth about people… you see how small and pathetic their lives really are….much like Trumps….

Am I closing the door on this chapter… I learned a long time ago, never say never… I never know what PTSD nightmare will rear its ugly head and show me something I had forgotten….

So much hate and animosity from two christian women, who taught me how not to be anything like them…. they fear life and they fear the truth…and most of all they fear this god they worship, who they say forgave them for their sins…

In America we call it crimes against humanity…. and forgiving will never come from these lips…

Can I say with certainty that part of this journey is over, except for writing the book… No, I cannot… But I can say with certainty…

I own my life, every second of it… not gods, not man, not mom and sister….

I own it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Story of the Yule Log and Americas Christmas traditions origination….

The majority of us living on American soil, did not originate there… the majority of us came from many other lands, far and wide…. and with those travels and migrations, traditions were formed and made and many traditions were brought from the homeland…. all the while we destroyed those traditions of the original people of this land…

America is a melting pot of diversity and beliefs…. The GOP wants to destroy that with Nationalism and bigotry and most of all fear….

This is the narration of the Yule log and the basis of Americas Christmas celebration… which was never about a human being…. but about the god of nature that provides us with air and water and food and most of all a place to live…. no human ever gave that to us…. but Nature did….

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays and most of all, may the new year bring the peace so many of us hope for and put and end to the bigotry and hate that christianity has brought to our once great nation…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

SGT. USAF DAV

PTSD, TBI & Neuropathy status….

Depression, not really… Since the doc adjusted my thyroid med, those side affects have finally backed off after 26 years of taking levothyroxine… worse man-made drug ever!!!

I get a little sad, once in a while, but it usually is because of a passing thought from the childhood nightmare and mother and father not owning their behavior… much like Trump…. so I see it, take it and throw it in the garbage disposal… because my parents I owe nothing… nada, zip, zero… besides, I help to pay for that house lil sis is living in…. daddy thanked me before he died….

As for the neuropathy… it is as I expected after the episode the other day…. the part I hate the most… sweating… get up this morning, nice and cool outside and I have to put on a robe, because I am alternating between cold and sweating, and it’s all neuropathy…. kind of hope this morning, means I am done for a while with that part…. it does come in cycles…

The worse part… the stiffening… I remember reading about an illness that causes the tissue to stiffen and I think women get it more often than men…. so, I am really hoping time goes quickly so that MRI is done and I finally see the neurologist… I have lots of questions and really want a couple of things ruled out…. but that condition is something that started in 08… so I hope it is muscle related and not disease related…. hard to discern the two sometimes…

Balance, still an issue, only for the way I plant my right foot and getting more aware of the nuances of this disease….

Exercise… I did 6 plank style push ups and didn’t face plant…. tried it with knees on floor and that put pressure on the area that I am trying to strengthen and actually caused a problem… so plank style it is… If I can get back up to 10 push ups, I will be happy…

Most of all, the mental part of this journey… Accepting the violence my parents did and accepting that my siblings have been brainwashed… tells me what I have known since my sister took my place… mother got what she wanted….

As for me… I have a family… those that want to be a part of my life are and that is truly all that matters…. those that want to speculate and fantasize about a life I never lived… well reality is a cold bed fellow and I will take my reality any day over their fantasy….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Waiting on Life…. 3 min… apart…

Today our great-grandson decided it was time to work on entering this world we call earth…

He will come into this world, free of bigotry, hate, fear and most of all innocent… because he has not been warped by humans and their fears of living in the real world….

I hope to be home in the next year or two and be there for that little man and to make sure, if he decides he has questions about gods, I can give him honest, unbiased answers and the desire to seek those answers from not just me, but many sources on this planet…

His great-grandmother is a believer in science and facts…. not mythology and lies….

His GG will teach him, that it is up to him to find what makes him a whole person… If that is a god, that can not be touched, seen or heard… then I will take it to heart that my great-grandson is bat shit crazy and will treat him accordingly until he gets his head out of his ass…

His GG will be there if he decides to pursue science and how the world, universe and galaxy really came to be…. 

His GG will be there if he decides medicine is his passion….

His GG will be there if he decides the earth is his passion….

What ever choice my little Leo wants to make, I will be there to support him and answer the questions I can… and those that I can not, I will defer to those scholars that know more than I ever will….

But most of all GG will be there, when America is at war and the draft has been implemented and my great-grandson is called to serve…. I hope to give him the strength and love and support that I as a military member never got from my family…..

I hope to be there and be a guide and teacher with 64 years of living experience….

I hope to be there and show him what truth is and how important we see that…..

TRUTH MATTERS…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

SGT USAF DAV

Humanity, what happened….

I remember Will Rogers and his ability to take a bigot, make a joke about that bigot and the bigot would laugh with him…. because back then, Truth mattered….

Gen Mattis resigning scares me to my core… He is one, I was lucky to have met many years ago… For him to leave the white house, means Trump just threw American troops under the bus….

It is as if Vietnam never ended, because what is coming, should scare you…. and I ask one question???

When did religion, Russia and China take over our White House????

How long before the draft is implemented and our children’s children fight a war that has no other purpose, but to make people like Trump wealthy….and hand over Democracy to dictatorship…. What happened to Ryan, Mcconnell, Hatch, Graham…. What happened to democracy and humanity???

What happened to America???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

The War on Atheist…..

Have you ever seen war??? Heard the big guns and the little guns… the last sounds of life leaving a human, whose only mistake…. live in a land where leaders think war is the only answer and when that didn’t work, they made religion, so that all humans would have conflict… Just so those same leaders, could win a war….

I saw the results of war on Okinawa at the new hospital built, just for those being murdered and injured because France wanted their territory back on land that was never theirs to begin with…. Saw the results at the Arizona memorial and the bubbles leaking from the ship beneath me and a sense, life was lost for nothing more than making people believe what you believe….

Maybe that is my biggest reason for hating anything to do with any kind of control or most of all religion… because it is not about humanity…. It is about making you believe what the leaders believe… thus the war against ATHEIST…. but they say its aginst christians… and that is a LIE… 

Psychology will tell you, to believe in something that has no basis in truth, is mental illness… Yet the world is populated with people who believe in hundreds of different gods or faiths…. and all based on stories and no basis on facts….

I remember my parents, the most violent and ugly people I have ever met in my life on this planet for the last 64 years and they took that religion and used it as a tool to control… Not teach…. but to control… and a broken body is my not my reward…

Humanity is…. and christians do not believe in HUMANITY….

Once I got passed the head fake on religion and acknowledge it was a control mechanism put in place by governments for thousands of years, for one sole purpose….

Control….Being who I am, and individual, with a brain that refuses to dumb down to fear a god that can not be proven, because it does take two to tangle and no human on this planet has ever been born without Male Sperm and Female Egg…

The pyramids were built long before Moses and Moses was actually a soldier and murdered someone, so he misused the African 48 rules and made them into the ten commandments…. and people believed…. because of FEAR…

Just like people believe Trump…. Con’s are born every second of every day…. Stupid is a matter of choice…. Bigotry is a matter of choice…. Hate is a matter of choice….

NOT BELIEVING IN A MAN MAD GOD….. IS MY CHOICE!!!

I live with my head on my shoulders, not up my ass…. like Trump and his base…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Happy Holidays to my Kids….

Ever here about how Jingle Bells came about??? Well the song was written back sometime in the 1800’s and it was actually written for Thanksgiving, but people take customs and make them their own, which is what being American is all about…

Enid Christmas 1981

Have a safe and happy holiday season….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Inflamation from Neuropathy…. Treated Hawaii style….

We all know that inflammation is our worse enemy for the body and for animals… I have a 100 pound dog on very stong NSAIDs, because of a disease he had at birth… so 7 years on a strong dose and trying to keep him healthy… Same goes for me and hubby…. Hubby triple by-pass and RA… and then me with Neuropathy, TBI & Thyroid disease….

So I looked into all kinds of natural ways and saw the use of natural Tumeric and put that in all of our diet, including the dog…. and even the vet is surprised how active the big guy is with his issues…. but…. it did nothing for me or Mike… the Tumeric, well not 100 % nothing… I would give it a 2 to 3 % improvement overall…  Been using it for 10 years or so….

When we moved to Hawaii, I tried the HGH human growth hormone for a year… and that is when my thyroid started reversing and I am one dosage away from getting off medication…. but I didn’t pursue the HGH after that 1 year experiment….

When I had major surgery this year and was evaluated by the neurologist and got the official Neuropathy diagnosis, on her list of supplements for me to take was this;

Astaxanthin was the form I purchased… It is developed here on Hawaii at the university and I was skeptical, but I figured why not try… so in May I purchased enough for Mike and I to both take it and the results are very surprising…

He believes it gave him relief from his RA inflammation and the pain is not as intense and over all he feels better… as for me… I feel better, not 100%, not sure that is possible… but I feel good enough, that I am back out walking a mile every day… I do the PT exercises and have built up muscle to do 5 push ups without face planting myself and I don’t get up at night with cramps in my feet or legs, like I used to so regularly and so did Mike… his cramps were the worse… 

We take BioAstin Hawaiian Astaxanthin 12mg once daily… Costco sells that for $39.99 or 49.99 and the lower dosage is $29.99…..

We have taken it faithfully now for 6 months and it is one supplement, we will continue taking… I have tried pain meds, other pain inhibitors, tens units, exercises, meditation and honestly… it really does help with my neuropathy and Mike swears it helps with his RA…

We are non smokers and do not drink and we are both active and eat a very healthy diet…. So if you try this… give yourself 6 months and be honest… if you are going to spend the bucks… then do it clean… and yep we are still smoking our pot here on Hawaii…. we take our BioAstin with our supper every day….

We think it works and so do those at the university…. Check with viamin stores, they carry it also, but it may have a different name… just tell them you want the one found in Hawaii…. by Nutrex…. wish they had this 20 years ago…. better late than never… I also read it is good for people fighting inflamation because of cancer and treatment….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Neuropathy has not beaten me yet….

One thing I have learned, for a 64 year old woman, these PT exercises have brought my flexibility back to my teen years…. Still have a long way to go… The tightness from the long muscle is the hardest to undo… That I think came from to much sitting…

It is hard not too, when tired, in pain an just want to curl up… but, after watching hubby deal with Rheumatoid Arthritis, moving is key for the body an neuropathy is no different….

First thing out of bed….I stretch by touching the floor with my legs locked an hands flat on the floor…. Something I used to do years ago, now it’s a habit… Do I have full relief, no, only because the exercise has to be worked up too… My body is out of shape and tearing and breaking body parts are not on the menu…..

Wrote this with my feet in same position as picture….. Sure has helped my back pain I always have had….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…Margie…..

DNA and its value???

DNA report….. this link should take you to a page that shows what my DNA says I am made up of… No prayers or gods…. Just good old fashion science backed with facts and not fantasy….

https://you.23andme.com/published/reports/fd2df054b96a4f32/?share_id=c0dbb2f564a34894

I wanted a DNA test, since the first time I heard about them… Not only to prove that I was born into the psycho family I lived among…. which, was a total bummer when I found out, they were blood… ya know that saying blood is thicker than water…. I’ll take the water….

Another reason I wanted the DNA test, to see where my mother came from… my dad’s ancestry was just as complicated… but not as diverse or maybe that is the wrong word… my mother’s family goes all the way back to the 800’s BCE (before current era)…. and I tried for 2 years to disprove the connection to the royalty of Europe… all the way back to the Holy Roman Emperor and when I couldn’t disprove the biological connection… I started looking at the health history…

Now if mom’s ancestry had not been royalty… I probably would know about as much about her as I do dad’s ancestry… but mom’s line is well documented down through the history, so health information was very easy to find… when they are kings, queens, princes, princess’… you get my meaning…. the whole bunch that was in power before the current queens family took over back in the 1400 or 1500’s… been a while since I read the stuff I documented…and the stuff is packed, so hope I remember right…

That being said… with my own extensive health issues and not knowing or remembering the domestic violence I endured for nearly 18 years…. I was reaching for anything and everything, so I could blame my health issues on something… and when that didn’t pan out…. that is when I went back to the memory of confronting mom about the missing memory….. a year later the shrink at El Paso VA said PTSD….. 6 years later a young man murdered 26 people and their deaths is what gave Margie a chance to speak about Big Springs, Texas…. and most of all Maggi listened….

Though the DNA test has been beneficial for medical reasons, it helped to rule out a lot of genetic issues, which is why I knew every time the doctors said I had something I said nope, genetic testing says I do not have that illness and when the VA paid for the same testing this year and confirmed what 23andMe DNA website said…. I just thought, for those who are looking for answers and can not afford the thousand or so for medical DNA testing… Do it through this site… 23andMe

My husband also has had medical genetic testing and his results were the same as the results from the 23andMe site…..

It is never fun to speculate about health, when you can get science to give you the answers….

I know it has given me and mine a peace of mind, knowing we are not carriers of so many of the diseases that run in my mother’s family…. so far several of my immediate family have done this test…. to many died from cancer and heart disease… this test told us what lifestyle changes we should make, so that we have the best life possible in the time life gave us…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Mental Toll from Mother’s Lies….

Do you remember watching Ozzy & Harriet; or Leave it to Beaver; or My Three Sons;  or Father Knows Best???

That is the era I grew up in… Yet, I probably watched only a couple of episodes from any one show, because for me, it was brain candy… and escape from reality and the only problem, reality had a couple of ugly mugs….

The mental portion of this journey to give Margie her voice, is not the most difficult, but it is full of questions that will never have answers…. 

Reasoning without justification…. and loss as great as any loss can be and still more questions…. for why the loss…

The worse part about getting my memories back… Is remembering the pleasure my mother took in causing harm to a small child… and at times I felt displaced as if it was her soul she was beating upon and punishing, because her own mother abandon her…but it was my body she hit…

She sought out comfort at an early age and brought life into it…. and she fought to mold that life into the doll house world she imagined….

Only one problem… Margie… the child that always told the truth and could never forget any of the ugly that went on in that trailer, or duplex or shanty shack, until Big Springs, Texas…

When Margie died, it was a blessing in disguise, though a nightmare that played out from 1968 till Nov 7, 2017… When a deranged young man killed 26 innocent people in Sutherland Springs, Texas…

Two days later Margie woke up and talked of that night in Big Springs, Texas, the night she died… Facing those memories, the TV interview, the Boob incident, the Child not of my dad’s blood…. because the world did not function the way the mother saw it, so she had Margie killed…

In a few days I will get a brain MRI and I will finally see what Big Springs, Texas and the Air Force did to kill Margie…. so while mother lives, she will know….

I Remember…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Neuropathy is so unpredictable, sometimes….

Like I thought… No headaches today… My insides are no longer playing the game “operation”… nothing like sitting there and all of a sudden you get an electrical shock to an organ…. and the doctors thought I was nuts!!! Autonomic says I am not… nuts…, cuckoo, well the jury is still out on that one…

Other than not getting much sleep, I woke up with normal aches and pains, but nothing other than feeling warmer than I should, the neuropathy has backed off a little…

I know this is a short break and nothing more… if the symptoms had totally backed off, I wouldn’t be sitting here wishing I had a pool to jump in, just to cool myself off and it’s actually a very nice cool day here, near the ocean… so yea, it’s still hanging around and letting me know, I get a breather and the headaches will be back at it… 

Kind of hope so… MRI is right after christmas… and I really want what I have been dealing with in the brain, to show up… 

Balance is off, I have to pay attention to my moving around the house absent-mindedly… or, I will hurt myself… but when I think about that… it has been like that since the balance beam in high school… so nothing new there… just more aware of everytime I do something stupid and hurt myself…

What is new… building muscle… Finally was able to get down and do 5 actual push ups… and not face plant myself… padded carpet was my air bag… so the exercises are working… but it still feels like my left side is weak and that may be a brain fault and not and actual weakness issue… The neurologist will figure that out… but it has me curious…

Many of these little physical therapy exercises I got online, really are helping… I know there is more to learn and keep pushing I am… but, me and exercise… never been a big fan… so the fact that I even got this far… yep, proud of my old self… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

MRI Scheduled…

Aloha for sure at the Hawaii radiological….. Always nice people who call….

MRI date is set, Neurology is set…..

By this time in February, I just might get some answers…. but, knowing my luck….

I will have more questions, than answers…. Medicine is not black and white…. They are still learning….

So am I…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie

Autonomic gave me a break….

What started yesterday with an electrical pulse from the central nervous system to my internal organs…. around 1 or 2 yesterday afternoon…. has ended 18 hours later….

That is one thing about this and why I tried to get my doctor to understand…. It’s not seizures I deal with… it’s a central nervous system over load and I can always tell when it’s happening ….. I just can’t tell how bad it’s going to be or how long it will last….and that’s because the signal may come from the brain… but the electrical charge that hits, is just like a devibilator and it’s not the brain that gets hit… it’s always someplace in my body… yes, I get that is more sounding like a seizure… but, the only attack I have that is ever the same… is the one I just described… all the rest impact me differently and none of these central system overloads has ever impacted me like the profiles for seizures…. and that is why the doctors never got it right… maybe when this MRI is done in the twilight zone, I might get answers or just more questions…. but that was 2 months ago the doc requested it… nothing like being a 100% service connected disabled veteran and you have to wait and wait and wait to get health care…

“but Melania is the most bullied woman on the planet…. Was that planet “Bull Shit”????”

This time it quit early…. Once I start getting warmth back to my feet and fingers… I know the nerves are settling down and the brain is going to feel like it’s tired and fatigued, because the body just went to hell and back….

This is just one issue I deal with that is Autonomic…. and for me it’s the worse one… 

It will be interesting to see, once this cold is done… If I have headaches or do I get a break after this last 24 hours…. 

When the good times happen and I can get out and go do things… we do…. I take advantage of the good moments and just walk along with the bad…. and live….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Autonomic Neuropathy is Kicking Ass…

I would say around 2PM, yesterday, not feeling great from my cold that is almost done… I feel an electrical shock internally in my chest wall, and I mean deep internally…. and I felt my intestines spasm and I knew… 

In 12 hours or less, the bathroom and I were going to get real friendly… and at 1AM… the nightmare of pain and spasms started….

By 5:30AM, I was passing blood… this told me, that the spasms were so bad internally, I was in for a rough 24 hours….

Out of everything I deal with from the beatings 2 christian people did to a small child….

This is the worse of all of them…. it out does the depression, the balance and dizzy, the nausea, vomiting, headaches, weakness….

This bout of the neuropathy that is autonomic, is a hell, I wish on no one….

Let me put it this way….. Ever been pregnant and had your childbirth natural…..

Welcome to my hell…. now you understand why I never planned to have kids…. 

This has been going on since Japan….. and that damn toilet was a hole in the floor in the rice patty housing…

The best part of all this…. With the diagnosis I got in Feb of this year…. At least I know what is happening, why it is happening and I can plan my life around these events….

Imagine walking through life for the last 50 years and you are out and about and this happens…. as it progressed, by 2000, I was staying in my home, more than I was out and about….

I live on Hawaii… In order for me to enjoy this place…. I have to understand what my body is doing, so that I am always prepared for the worse and can enjoy myself, when it’s at its least invasive…..

This has been my life now for 18 years…. We have lived in Washington, Arkansas, New Mexico and now Hawaii…. and to this day, I will get lost going out my door, because what I see most of…

The inside of that door….

Thank you christians, who think taking a belt to a child is holier than the life you brought into this world…. sure makes me wonder, who did you lie to, steal from, rape, beat and murder… to abuse your children who are born innocent….

Until you brainwash them with your sins and god…. You really can not fix stupid…

I just wear lots of garlic when they are around…. Christians that is…

True story….lol…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD and Depression are still here….

I have experienced every level of depression… including the suicide thoughts… and I turned around and walked the other direction….

Instead I lived life and worked at the issues and got no place… made zero headway in dealing with the depression… and for very good reason…

Until Nov 7, 2017… I didn’t remember… I knew I was missing memory and mother confirmed that in 2010, the last time I ever saw her…. and then sister and auntie provided the rest of the evidence… ya know, people are never more open, when they think you are stupid… got a smile out of me on that one…

Did more reading on psychology and went and did a few counseling sessions… mainly in the hopes, they hit upon something I hadn’t thought of yet at that time…. and they did and I used that tool to get where I am now…..

Mike made a comment today, that I was 360 from what I was a year ago… am I all sugar and spice… are you for real… I may know all the proper protocols and junk… but blunt I have been my whole life and that will never change… so yea, hubby is right, things have changed in the thought process…. behavior, well lets just say Margie has made him spew his drink or food more than once…

I know when I get angry, it is either lack of sleep, like I did this morning or I am hungry…. Nothing has really come along to just kick me in the backside to make me mad…. I seem to be able to discern, lack of food, sleep and over all illness… versus the nightmare from the dark lagoon that came out more often than Halloween came around…

I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop… for me to just lose it and be a real bitch and go for the jugular…. but, I have tried pushing myself there and couldn’t get the old reactions to come out… and that may be, because I have been working on changing the chemical reaction in the brain, when things happen anymore…. and that technique really does seem to work, so the text books were good for something…. Neurology, that is a confusing subject to understand….

Do I have work to do… I think I will always be a work in progress and besides… I have no crystal ball, I wake up each day, hoping to wake up and just deal with the day and try to understand every nuance that is changing in me… it’s annoying, it’s consuming and it’s like opening a present every day… only because….

Margie has come out to play….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Science or Religion???

You accept science when it comes to your health care….

But when it comes to your soul, you sell it to the one that will absolve you of every minute of your life….

So you give your soul and humanity away for nothing….

But rely on the science to keep you alive???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTelll

I Remember… Margie…..

Autonomic Neuropathy and the Head…

I remember on Okinawa, I had to have dental surgery on the upper palate, because 3 of my teeth grew across the palate instead of erupting through the tissue like normal teeth through the gums…. and that was the first time I mentioned to a dentist I had pain in eating and numbness in the facial area… he dismissed it as TMJ…. 

I can remember touching my skull area and feeling the soft tissue and finding areas that when pressed, caused pain… so I quit doing it and I quit thinking about it… Then in the military, as I learned more about the Dental field… I realized I had issues with my facial nerves and my maxillary and mandible areas….

The doctors I worked with, did all the necessary X-rays and exams, but could find no cause that was detectable by the tests they performed… No one referred me to neurology….

I have had perfectly healthy teeth extracted, because I had so much pain from that tooth… And again… no one sent me to neurology…. In fact, the molars that are missing, I still have phantom pain… much like a missing limb….

I also have learned over the years that the pain in my ears, eyes, nose, plus the tissue, all this pain was connected… but I had no proof, until the neurologist tested me for neuropathy… only by those tests.. did I have proof, of what started as a teenager, has been ongoing since 1960…. but first documented on Okinawa in 1970, by the Air Force dentist at Naha AFB….

I am waiting on dental surgery for implants… and I am going in with the knowledge that I may have issues with implants, because of the nerve damage in my face and skull…. Like I wrote before… the last time any human on this planet laid a hand on me by striking me… was on Okinawa in 1971…. that was the last blow to my head, when Don (dad) struck me and knocked me 12 feet across the room on my knees… I wrote about it…

Blows to my head was the norm in that household and that is why we know of so many concussions and serve TBIs….. Does not make dealing with it any easier… but you learn over time what not to do to your own body… which sets you up for illness, because you don’t keep in touch with your own body… So I force myself to push and poke, so that I am aware of any cuts, abrasions or sores, so that I can stop any problems in their tracks… It is painful, but diabetics will tell you, want to keep your limbs… poke and prod yourself…. same with neuropathy… be aware of your body, you only got one…

When I get a cold or flu… the toll is 10X what it should be, because all the nerves are going haywire and make you feel worse than you really are… I know… Had a cold since Tuesday and this time… It really tried to lay me out, because of all the pain the nerves were thinking they were enduring…. Which may or may not be connected to vasculitis… that is one symptom I want ruled out… only because of a specific issue that started in the military and no one has had an answer for it yet… 

I think the more aware of the neuropathy and the fact that no two patients are going to deal with the same thing, maybe similar, but each persons body is individual and you won’t find your answers in the text books… but you can get some ideas, so that it makes it easier for you to cope with this neuropathy junk… I have done it all, medications, exercise, lifestyle changes…. and the one constant… my outcome is up to me and how hard I am willing to work at it…

Can mine be reversed, some of it, maybe… Some of it no… the damage is permanent and my research says, if I had gotten health care after the beatings, my life would be very different from what it is now… so it gives me a goal to work towards… Giving myself the best life I can live and push the boundaries of the limitations this illness wants to place on me… until I am 6 feet under…. until then…

I will never quit fighting for the best life I can live….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Always, Looking for the Truth….

Truth can be elusive…. The more my brain settles down and becomes more organized, the more I realize… I set my siblings up and laid the trap for my parents after the beating on Japan that left me with the neuropathy and so much more damage than I thought possible, but, always suspected and I mentioned it many times to my sister that says we are so close… so in a sense… I did set her up… I told her the truth… and she flat-out lied to me…. I have said for decades… the dumbest thing you can do is lie to me and that was long before I knew I had this special edetic memory ability….

Consistent behavior, yep, pretty much…. as my friend that knew me on Japan back in 69 said… my honesty today, was the same honesty of then…. I didn’t allow the world or religion to take the truth away from me… Because of fear or imagined sins…. I embrace life, not hide from it… 

For me, truth was the most sacred thing out there that was not tangible… only because, no one has walked with me through my whole life… only hubby for the last 24 years and counting….Doesn’t mean I didn’t stray from that path… I did, just like anyone else… I told a little lie out of no other reason… than that was what the brain choose and when It backfired on me… that was the end of those little lies… That happened back in 1987, I was 33 years old and I knew… Truth meant something and it had value to me… I corrected that little lie I told and even wrote about it in the blog…. I declined an opportunity and lied saying I took advantage of an opportunity… that was my big lie, back in 87 and I remember it distinctly, so that I never made the same mistake again….

When I carried on conversations with my sister or mother…. I laid the trap, and they jumped in with both feet… they did that consistently until last year, when I got my memories back and realized what had happened to me as a child…. and the part they played in trying to bury the truth… both women call themselves christian and to me… all that means… is liar, beater, thief, cheat, rapist and murder…. and that is all I see, when people tell me they are religious…. someone hiding from reality, just so they can get their rocks off, by hurting other people or animals… but their god will forgive them… Insanity at its best….

I will always seek the truth, even in this blog… It is too important to ignore or dismiss… 

Without truth… the soul seeks the dark path, just as the night does… and it never looks for the light of day again….I like my soul free of the entrapments of human superstitions…. and If I write something that is not correct and I find that out, I will correct my writing… I will own truth and the facts that support it…and me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Neuropathy and posture….

This has been a problem since I was in high school, but I didn’t know why and I remember our mother showing us how to walk around with the book on our head and keep the spine straight, pelvis tilted correctly and legs straight… well, it didn’t work that way for me at 17 and It won’t work for me now, even more so….

I have had doctors tell me my pelvis was titled… Wrong… I had one leg shorter than the other… Wrong…. I had curviture of the spine… Wrong…. Bone Disease Pagets…. Wrong….

I know there is more things they told me that I knew as soon as they said it, they were wrong… Why???

I didn’t meet the profile they should have been following… You know, guidelines… 

I stayed relatively active until surgery this year and that was when all the docs got involved and we got proper diagnosis and the one that struck the biggest chord… Peripheral Neuropathy and Autonomic Neuropathy….

The Autonomic was not a surprise… I have been complaining for about 20 years about seeing double, blurred vision, yada, yada, yada… and got no place… I had my stomach scoped way to many times and more invasive tests than you can imagine, some so painful, I wouldn’t send my enemy for it… and again… none of the doctors got it right and no one sent me to Neurology!!! 

Peripheral neuropathy, well, that one I knew something was wrong, when I fell off the balance beam in high school and it was only a foot off the ground….

That little problem has taken its toll, because of all the wrong diagnosis and these are the trap falls I fell into and am now fighting to correct…

Posture… I still have no clue what way to tilt my pelvis, but I follow the standard protocol that Physical Therapy would, so I work at keeping the spine in its proper position and that means the pelvis and then we get to the legs and that is a problem…

You see, I noticed after my surgery this year and had to be down for 6 straight months… that I walked with my knees bent and did not extend my legs and make use of the long muscle… Once I got the neuropathy diagnosis and the surgeon gave me the all clear to work out… I started correcting that and I am actually getting feeling back in my feet… I know when I cut them or step on something sharp…

As for the tingling and numbness, not much I can do, the exercises to make the back stronger and the exercises to make the long muscle stretch out and relax, seem to help… My balance is still off and not from the dizzy spells that come from the Ankalyosing in my neck… It has to do with being able to feel myself move my legs or I have to really pay close attention to what I am doing… If I do that, I keep my balance… BUT!!!

If I am going around doing my day and not focusing on what I am doing…. The body will betray me every time… because the nerves and the muscle and the brain… are not working together because of the damage done and no medical care follow-up…. So flat tennis shoes, rarely any sandals, no heels…. and hubby always with me… until I get clearance on my eyes… and balance… so no driving, unless its an emergency… at this stage… I can’t trust my body to do what it should… Too much of it isn’t responding… and not from lack of trying… there is a real disconnect between the brain and my limbs…

If I had got treatment as a child, PT would have been in the mix, to build the muscle and keep the line of communication going between the nerves…

When I was in the military at the age of 24…. I was already showing signs of the peripheral neuropathy outwardly… and every doctor got it wrong… because none of us knew I had been the victim of domestic violence and suffered multiple TBI’s, see I am still making excuses for doctors who still should have known better…. big time sigh on that statement…. and the head bangs along with it… yea!

For me, as a patient, IF I had been informed of what had happen to me, I would not be looking at the future outcome that is coming my way…. Sorry, only can say so much… Mommy and the family read this blog and frankly, they do not deserve to know any more than strangers know….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Understanding TBI & Neuropathy….

I have stated this many times and it is a daily mantra, because of the frustration….

If only someone had told me what happened to me!!!!!!!!!

Ya know, when I stood in the kitchen of my parents home in 2010 and told mother I was missing memory…. Don (dad) had been dead 4 years by then…. and that was 4 years I used to explore the memories the family stirred up….

BUT!!! No one told me… in fact, when I tried to get the military records… a doctor here, who just retired from the Army as an Orthopedic specialist told me straight up I wouldn’t get the records and he was right… it will take a court battle and rich I am not, nor likely to ever be…

So I sit here, listening to Harry Chapin and thinking… my own government sold me out and threw me under the bus and how many millions more out there have they done the same too and gotten away with it????

Okay, enough rant…. Like I have said, I was always suspicious and when the military tried to figure it out, they did give me the nudge I needed to pursue my former life as a child… and again… life takes over and you do it when you find the time… I raised kids, served in the military for 5 1/2 years and worked for the feds until 96….and we took the trip to see the family in Mena in 96… and things really started to change for me… in the brain and the thought process and the PTSD exploded onto the scene and lots of alcohol and pot to keep the demons at bay…

By the time 2000 came around, I was done… done with alcohol, cigs, you name it… but I had a hubby and he was doing the same… so for us both to succeed, we took things one at a time… Alcohol was first… you see hubby is an alcoholic and I am not…  So baby steps like the shrink told me here, was something I was already employing 18 years ago, to help my own husband overcome his addiction…. by 2008 he was ready to give up smokes and here we are… both sicker than when we did all the bad stuff… lol

But happier and healthier, if that is possible… Understanding your illness is so important to making any head way with quality of life… I know, I have been fighting since 1978 to get answers…. and nearly destroyed myself in the process… because mom and dad were silent and mother still is…

I kept hope first and foremost in the picture… I knew I had to live life and work life and love life… or life would leave me behind… and that is so hard to do, when you don’t know what the illness is that is taking so much from you… my journey started at the age of 6… 58 years later… my mother could not own her brutality and left Margie to fend for herself… Mother is a unique and cruel woman, very intelligent and manipulative and most of all she hides behind her god… and she should spend the rest of her life behind bars for trying to kill me… Instead… this blog, her and the family reads is a reminder…

You can lie, steal, rape and beat your way through life… but what will you be remembered for and was it all worth it??? To throw away your children, because your own mother left you in an orphanage… and when that happened to mother… she took the dark path and never looked back… her world would be the world she built and myself and all 6 of my siblings paid the price for her mental illness….

Hope kept me going forward and reality…. Facing the real world, accepting my part in my own journey and moving forward… because there is no going backwards for me… The neuropathy is too advanced and has already done significant damage to my organs… I have known, since that emergency surgery on Japan in 84 by Dr. Blake… my days were numbered… and it was up to me, to give myself as much time on this planet as my damaged body will allow… Borgs we will never be… We get one chance in life, if you hide from it because of fear, well you just wasted the most precious gift in this universe… a chance to….

Live, not fear life…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Neuropathy and Thyroid Disease….

When we came back from Japan in 87, my late ex husband was assigned to March AFB, because the specialist in Pagets’ was in San Bernardino….

I went to the base for my checkup and blood work and that is when I found out I had hypothyroidism and hypoglycemia, borderline diabetic as well as high cholesterol…and no I do not have diabetes, lifestyle changes prevented that disease…

By now I have reached the ripe old age of 33 and a little over weight by 15 to 20 pounds…. and I decline all the medication the Air Force wants to put me on and I go see the specialist the VA sent me too and get told we were moved back to America for nothing… or at least as far as Pagets’ is concerned… we actually should have spent another 4 years in Japan, we just signed up for another tour….so life would definitely not be what it is now if we had….

Anyway…. we divorce and I move to Okanogan county, because the government job I took moved me there…. and the private doc I get in with while I have private insurance tells me the same thing as the Air Force…. so I start medication and my nightmare of side effects went on until this year, when the doc adjusted the thyroid dosage for me, and not what the book says… First time in over 20 years, I don’t have side effects from Levothyroxine… a man-made drug that screws with everyone I know…. 

What has this to do with neuropathy…. Well in 2008, when we moved to New Mexico… all of a sudden I would get super cold at night and bury myself under the blankets…. I would be so covered in goose bumps from the chill, I just thought my thyroid was screwing up and they would do blood and nope… no change… and no one bothered to pursue the symptoms…

This is when the feet became an issue and I couldn’t feel my feet… at all… nada… in fact I cut the tissue off my big toe, when doing my nails… and didn’t know I did that until I saw blood… but the chills, they were the worse and I did my research and thought, maybe neuropathy was the issue, since the VA in Arkansas, had already told me my arms were involved… but they didn’t test my legs in 05….go figure for that….

So this neuropathy crap, can give you conflicting symptoms that you might think are thyroid… but if blood work says no… then do your research… we only get chilled for certain health issues… and that is how I knew, back in 2008…. that I had peripheral neuropathy…. It just took the VA till 2018, to do the tests and listen to this patient….

If you have no thyroid issues, but you have numbness and tingling and loss of balance, vision, etc… and you get chilled like you are outside in the snow with no clothes…. research…. it was comforting to realize my thyroid was not the issue… but disconcerting it was neuropathy, because there isn’t a damn thing you can do, but be informed and adjust accordingly…

I bought an electric blanket…. it helped me cope with the weird cold feeling that happens because of neuropathy and I adjusted my clothing for it also…. It is a new way to live… but the more informed you are, with what you live with… the more comfortable you can be… well, as comfortable as you can get with the illness…

We are pass the 6 weeks waiting on the MRI… and I do not expect it to get done, till my cold goes away… so prompt health care in the VA system was working under Obama…. Under Trump… veterans are dying daily….and the GOP and religious could care less… that is the America we live in… MRI, I haven’t been called for the appointment and when they do… if this cold is ongoing… it will definitely be delayed…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

First loss due to TBI….

Since I know I suffered concussions at the hands of mommy dearest and dropped on my occipital part of my skull from the top bunk by my sis for many impacts and the severe TBI in Big Springs, all by the time I hit 13 years old… First injury at 6… So when did the symptoms start for the Autonomic neuropathy???

My first memory of internal body issues that I kind of understood, but remember I am a kid…. I knew my bowels were messed up from the beatings and I knew my stomach had issues… About age 9, at night after everyone was in bed, I got into the chocolate flavored exlax and a piece of bread… Exlax for the bowel an bread for the nausea, and by the time I was 12, this was a habit that kept me from getting other problems…

Little did I know how this one act, protected my insides….I had emergency surgery in Japan in 1984, I just turned 30 and my bowel was strangled by massive adhesions, which the doctor said had been growing most of my life…I carry about 5 pounds of internal scarred tissue… Last MRI, showed no change, so surgeon did good….but I will always be at risk for bowel damage….

So I can say with certainty, Autonomic started when I was young…. as for the peripheral neuropathy, it was full blown by the time I was 14, and can safely say life has never been what it should….Though it has been progressive and not all at once… And it would come on strong and back off…. This flare up has been ongoing since 1998, is our best guess….and very progressive…. but I am outsmarting it, by exercising more….

I changed to a healthy diet, gave up alcohol and cigarettes, and I am working at being more active… the biggest thing, stretching…for me, that is pivotal to fight nerve damage to my legs and arms…..and any exercise I can motivate myself to do….

All I read says, drugs, exercise and healthy lifestyle is the only way to go, when you live with these two neuropathies…. I pass on the meds, they just make me feel worse and screw with the TBIs and suicide is not on my radar… Life is….

TimesUp WhyIDidntTell #MeToo

I Remember… Margie….

Injuries that I do not remember… but pictures do….edited…

WHY

I remember the before and the after… but I do not remember the beating, completely….

What has bugged me about this picture is the way my right hand looks…. Just from my own training and looking at the finger as it is now…. the little finger is definitely broken….

The fore-arm is swollen from blunt force trauma… so is the left, there is another picture showing it…. but the hand and wrist, confused me until just a few minutes ago…. when I was doing those exercises with the balls that you squeeze…. and I realized…. that hand had been blunt force trauma fractured…. damage from the neuropathy hits areas that were impacted by blunt force trauma…. we know that hand had trauma… in fact, not one inch of my little body ever got missed… 

Forensics reports that I have read, talk about domestic violence against children, explains that the bones do not break, but the spread apart, think of spaghetti squash or pumpkin, the insides are fiborous and they pull apart, when impacted, the same goes for childrens bones, they are soft until they go through puberty and even then, early twenties before they are done with the growth process…. and if no medical treatment… the person can end up with issues like I am dealing with…. and we know I got no medical treatment… physical therapy is key to keeping neuropathy from takin hold…I got zero health care…. But the sis that says we are close, got loads of health care…..

Can I get any evidence of this…. not that I am aware of…. a fully body MRI, maybe…. I know that when we were in Japan, back in the 80’s… I had over 6 nuclear bone scans, they inject radioactive isotope …. which showed abnormalities in the bone through out my body and they sent me to Hawaii to Triplet for a diagnosis and the quorum of orthopedics got it wrong….  

I think it was something around 15 doctors when they evaluated me and said Pagets’… a French disease that makes the bone grow big and grotesque…. the specialist in San Bernardino said, they all got it wrong, but he had no clue as to what was wrong…. that was 1987…. and 30 years later…. well…. no one is talking and records are sealed…. sigh…. but I do have one of the bone scans… in fact I have a bunch of xrays I kept my hot little hands on, they would have been destroyed after we left Japan… I wanted evidence….

Some will say how could I have not known… well, you can’t make people talk and my parents and aunts and uncles and granny all kept quiet… now all are gone, except for mother and auntie…. and both are silent as the dead….

Suspicious, I think I have always been so… as I learn more about the injuries that I have compensated for since Texas…. I am realizing just how strong a person I really am….

It is still frustrating… people alive, know what happened to me, but because of their image in their little town and the religious rhetoric they spout…. they be christians ya know… and after watching the GOP and Trump in action… my opinions of the religious is no different than before… It’s just a cover, so you can break the laws society put in place to protect the innocent… Instead….

I have to suffer for their stupidity….and the willingness of the American people to let religion set laws instead of them…You really can not fix stupid….honest you can’t….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Making sense of the memories….

I wrote a while back that I really didn’t like short hair… but something keeps coming back to the forefront of that thought….

Now I know my mother cut off my hair, when little, it is still baby fine and tangles easy…. and she would invariably yank my head so hard I would scream in pain… so she chopped it off…. but sis got to grow her’s out… spent time looking at pictures last night… I never really  had long hair, except a couple of times…. until after I left home…

That bothers me…. as if something went on and my head was shaved or mother was just bat shit crazy and thought my curly hair was from the devil, no clue, really…. 

I remember in Texas when Margie died… I had long hair and when we stopped at Aunt Alines, I let her perm my hair… well it was so ruined, when we got to Japan, I got it all chopped off real short…. but then I saw a picture of me on Okinawa with Jim Yettman and his buddies and my hair is shoulder length… but in the picture going to the dance when staying in the hotel outside Kadena… my hair is longer….and that is before Jim Yettman….

What all this tells me….if I have this edetic memory thing… then that is why the memories are confusing…. and I am missing information that has either not come back or will never come back…. 

Again it goes back to losing a limb…. veterans will tell you, those that lost legs, arms…. you feel the pain from that limb and you just know it’s there, until you look for it and it is gone… poof… never to be seen again…..

Same goes for me with my memories…. I know the information is there… it’s just crossing the street and going in the door…..

I did come across one good memory and again it is associated with bad memories…. It’s my 16th birthday and my brother gave me a bottle of Tabu perfume…. maybe I never mentioned this… along with all my other special little pains in the ass abilities… I am a super taster and smells, can do me under in a heart beat…. That Tabu was the worse… but that brother… the one who saw more than he should for such an age…. used to look up to me… until mother got in his head…. out of everything in my first 18 years… that bottle of perfume, I never forgot… I gave him an old car when he went active duty and I drove for hours to be at his first wedding…..

Yep, myself and two brothers, served in the Air Force…. yet, they are still in service to their mother…..

So these old memories that have to do with so much…. leave me with more questions than answers…. but this cold I got yesterday…. is leaving me more foggy than anything and I think that is why I am not preoccupied with all this crap I am reliving…. my body cheated on me and went and caught a cold…. it’s a break…. I’ll take it, for how ever long it lasts… and it will keep the MRI off in the distance till I get over this goofy cold on Hawaii…. go figure on that…. sometimes you just got to go with the flow….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie…..

Neuropathy & TBI….

Balance, the final frontier… the place I have longed to go… since I fell off the balance beam in high school….

Little did I know at that tender age of 15, that balance would be the least of my issues…

When we played in that abandon industrial lot, with the 12 foot deep basement, and pylons that went for thousands of feet and no fear of balance or falling off… Kids, I was around the age of 11 when I did that in Montgomery, Alabama… 

By the time Don (dad) went to Vietnam in 66… I had been raped and beaten enough times, and dropped on my head off the top bunk… it is a wonder I was able to think at all… but think I did… always plotting how to stay out of the reach of the psycho path…

Don is in Vietnam and all of a sudden mom has health issues… more like lots of panic attacks when she found out she was preggers and dad was nowhere to be found… because he was thousands of miles away…  but I still had my balance… because on the bicycle I went the day Don came back from Vietnam… you can tell how anxious I was to see him, if I left the house when he entered it….

On to Big Springs… because mom fooled them all and baby was on the way and would be pawned off as one of his… but he knew… he always knew… and it happened…. the night Margie died….

Then on to Japan to cover up the scandal the Air Force could not afford and it happened again… and this time they took all of Margies childhood….

Back from Okinawa and I leave home… but I always had a slight issue with balance and just learned to compensate for it… something we all do… but it was the worse thing I could have done… It help to hide all the damage done….

Lived my life and balance has come back to haunt me…. is it the neuropathy or something more sinister… no clue, well, maybe a clue, but lets see what the professionals have to say… hubby knows my thoughts on the outcome….

Things are changing for me… maybe for the good, maybe for the bad… Giving my family any kind of fodder to fuel their hate for me… well they will just have to fantasize and wait for the book… liars never look good in print… just look at Trump….

Boo….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Quiet day in the brain….

Busy morning, went to town to get the stuff for the MRI… don’t know when it will be, but ready for when the appointment happens…

Running around doing errands and most people were actually polite… I think I see a pattern…. If you don’t want to deal with the rude people… Do not go on social security day… and go real early….

My brain is on vacation and the body is not driving me crazy…. but the day isn’t over yet…. 

It’s breezy out and all the trees and palms are swaying in the wind… with some grayish clouds that already opened up and soaked us….

It’s nice, when all I hear is nature and not man-made noises…..

I think I will go enjoy the vacation my thought process has taken….. now this I could get used to…. not thinking of anything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Lies will always catch up with you… Boo…

Mom likes to tell a story about my sneaking out of the house at night, when we lived in base housing at Naha AFB, Okinawa… If you look at the picture, you can see how the windows are stacked and not all that big… then look at the girl… that’s me and a few of the guys I knew back then…. I wonder if she doesn’t remember what base housing was really like… or is it just another one of her fantastic stories based on her reality and not facts… Gee my mom sounds like Trump and the GOP….

Jim Yettman Okinawa 1972 - Copy

Like I keep saying… the dumbest thing you can do is lie to me… I knew I had a picture of those stupid windows… 

Liars 0…. 

Me… over the moon, showing how my mother has lied for decades…

Do you honestly think I am the only one in the family with a unique memory ability… that was the first question the shrink at El Paso asked me… If…. Mother had a unsual memory ability, and I…. wait for it….

Said Yep… Like I kept telling my siblings… The woman you know, is not the real mother I know… and that is why she has trashed me my whole life… and the funny thing is… out of all the christian brothers and sisters…

I am the only one who hasn’t done what they call… Sin….

Okay I just laughed out loud… time to quit for the day….

Aloha….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

FYI… mom didn’t like us advertising our big bosoms… over sized clothing is still a habit…lol…and it was the window she said I snuck out… Hell, I used the damn door… They didn’t dare touch me if daddy wanted military retirement… holy crap am I remembering all of Okinawa an the guys who protected me… the one I showered with, to my left…. Hope they all made it home… Vietnam bound….

Having fun, tried audio transcript of the last blog….

new-recording.m4a

Just thought, have fun, try something different… no clue if this works, signal has been wonky with all the weather an our location…

Still learning this new Ipad, funny when you get something new an you have to learn all over again… That used to be so frustrating for me….

Anyway, play some more later….

TimesUp WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

The Anger can subside, it takes work…

Either its the neuropathy or vasculitis or something along that line… but when the reaction happens in the brain and I have to deal with something very stressful, the outcome usually is not good for the person on the receiving end… but not this time, and it’s not the first instance of this happening lately… always about choice, even with the brain….

The symptoms that were happening when Tri-West called about the Brain MRI go like this…. the body starts to feel warm and it usually starts at the head and a warmness that spreads to my whole body and I start sweating… something that is not normal for me and an earlier blog talks about it… what one, Jeez, you got me… this is more a diary than anything, because of the book I am working on….

Anyhow… the phone rings and I am in a full-blown episode of what ever this symptom is related to and usually I go off on people, get angry, and obtuse… but the last couple of times dealing with Tri-west, I told my brain, because, both calls this kind of episode was going on… and I just simply told my brain, we are going to have fun with this call and we did… even had hubby giggling….

Come to find out the lady was calling from Seattle…. our home state… and by the time she hung up, I had her giggling more than talking and that is how it should be… but…

Veterans are angry and anyone and everyone is in the line of fire, because of their frustration and disappointment over our nation abandoning us… because their job, or coal, or political connections to the money was and is more important than honoring the very people who defend this nation….

I did let the lady know, I understood why veterans are so angry… having worked in the medical field in the military and the way we treated our patients, you would have thought each one was the president of the united states…. not about who you are… it’s about how you want to be treated…. Maj Donahue was a good teacher and doctor… he was my boss and he help to cover up the rape and attempted murder… he died young of cancer… I would say Karma took care of that betrayal….

Getting closer to answers, but I have a feeling there are going to be more questions than answers and I may just have to submit to a lot more testing… at least we are getting closer… over 30 days since the doc wanted the MRI… and it will be over 6 weeks before I get the MRI… and that is what I am really pissed about… and I don’t see Neuro until Feb 2019!!!

Hubby saw his specialist, had CT contrast and ultra sound and follow-up… All while I am just waiting to get the DAMN MRI… and my husband, is my dependent… the VA pays for his health care… but if they mess with our dependents, they can be sued…

Veterans, well our hands are tied just a little and it takes near death to take them to court… that is what being a veteran in America is… We are invisible… until we get invaded… and the voters tuck their ass under them and run for the hills… makes you wonder what happened to humanity….makes you wonder what happened to patriotism…..

Religion… or lack of education… either way… reality is a cold bed fellow…. any bets how long it takes them to schedule the MRI… my bet, late Dec early Jan…. Yea for health care for veterans… the kids active duty now are in for such a rude awakening… I know… I am still experiencing it… corruption in the VA is not new… nor is dead veterans….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Remembering All and Working Not Too…

I think the lady’s name is Marylou and she has high function edetic memory ability… just like the character on Big Bang, Sheldon… They can remember every minute of their waking lives… They make a continuous star log of their lives by just using the memory ability we are all born with, but you have to work at it and then sometimes you just got to be born with it… crystal ball this kid has not…. FACT….

When the past weekend was over and the time period for 1967 to 1972 cleared up… I couldn’t see every day that had passed, but I had left myself enough bread crumbs, so many, that statement will probably become false over time…. and this is when I wish my sister and I had been close… because hubby just stares at me, because he has no clue what I am talking about, unless I connect the dots to the trauma that has been discussed…. So yea, this last weekend, lots of memories came back… but there again that is a problem and only because of this……

I am not going to have memories anywhere close or similar to the ones my siblings will have…. birthdays, holidays, deaths, births… If I was not personally involved, likely I will not remember any of it at all…. see…. that is what’s funny about memories…

I wrote that I was working daily to find ANY good memories from my childhood…. CONNECTED to the family…. and I mean mom and dad and all the brothers and sisters…. I have never felt any, nor have I seen any… But I look anyway… because if I have edetic memory, they should be there…. at least, I think it works that way… but, again always that 3 letter word…. we are talking about a severe TBI in Texas and that may have taken those good memories with it…. and I can say that…

Since leaving home at 18…. I have millions of good memories and some are connected to bad memories… the difference… I do not fear any of those memories of my adult years… Why???  Because I lived life, I didn’t fear it…. Like I feared life in a christian household… Once I got rid of the religious head fake….I started the path to waking up my brain that had been injured and no one told me about the brain injury, but mom sure like telling me dad got put in a psych ward for a while…

That has all changed, now that I have my memories back… Still, I will never understand how anyone can buy into anything Trump says… but, I look at my siblings and my mother who is still living… Well we can all see, my shelves in the living room is overflowing with christmas cards… and my phone is ringing off the hook… It is and will always be about choices… They choose to believe her and the god she forced on them as children… sorry but Jesus’ did not come from outer space… but humans did… we are made of star-dust… why do you think you need vitamins and minerals??? and besides Jesus’ had a mortal father… Science, not fantasy….

I choose truth, honesty, integrity and ethics over religion…. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and all the other sayings we have traditions for….

My hope, the world comes to know peace, we no longer have famine and out of control disease and humans quit wearing labels and just see another human next to them, that is just slightly different from them and wish them the best in the new year….

I got mine… Call from Hilo medical yesterday, to start the process to get the brain MRI… that is my present to me this year… Finally finding out, if CTE and Dementia are in my future or if I get to live out life-like everyone else… being happy I woke up that morning….

Happy Holidays, Mele Kalikimaka from Hawaii, and Happy New Year

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Truth Matters, Doesn’t It???

Does Truth Matter???? I always thought it did… I picked up the habit as a young child and though I can not attest to the reason, lets speculate just for fun…

Lets say, that by the time I was 6 yrs old and the TV interview, which is what I associate the beating and the bruises too… I told the truth, or at least my version of it as a 6-year-old… and being that innocent and naive… come on… KIDS say the darnest thing… we don’t know how to lie unless we are taught… just ask my siblings… Truth does NOT matter to them… they chose a life of lies over the truth… Fact….

WHY The bruises on this little girls body at 6 years of age, for no other purpose, than the child told the truth and the adult digging her fingers into the injured arm, got embarrassed…. anyone with medical training can take a look at the right arm and know that it has blunt force trauma fractures, the wrist is at the wrong angle the little finger is broken… and as crooked as all get out today…. just because the child told the truth…

That is when Margie learned, truth mattered and it really bothered mommy dearest and after a while it got under dear daddy’s skin…. boo hoo…. for these adult christians….

No matter how hard these christians beat this child… they could not break her of telling the truth…

Telling the truth got her into more trouble than anything else she did on this planet… 

It isolated her own sons from her… because they wanted lies and enabling and fake words… instead, this mother told the truth…. and if living with the truth means I have no kids in my life… always about choice…. all they have to do is own it…

Never got why You just can’t say, I over stated, exagerated or I just flat out lied and I am sorry and I am working to never do it again… Instead of words…. Just DO!!!

Truth Matters… maybe not to you…. but to me… and not the christians form of truth… Facts… Truth based on FACTS….

I built my whole life on it for 64 years and I would change nothing, because….

Truth Matters… I took my soul back from the corrupt christian faith…. 

Truth Matters!!! You just have to want too….. tell the truth… and most people never really do… and that is when mental illness sneaks in the door and takes a foot hold…. because,

Truth Matters….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie…..

What I Don’t Remember…. it happens so unexpectedly….

I have a person who says we knew each other on Japan back around 69 I think…. She reached out to me on FB and she made a comment that I never forgot about something that happened between me and my mother…. at Johnson AFB, Japan…. which is no longer open… 

I had a picture of her in my photo album and that is how I recognized her name when she sent the friend request… at that time, she did not know I was missing memory… so if she commented about Japan our knowing each other, I played along…

I still have no memory of her… yet, I never got rid of the picture I took of her in base housing on our way to school that day….

This is why memory is unique to each and every person on the planet and no two people will remember the same event…. what that means… We all make memories and we all chose when to make those memories….

Memories is a subject I have been all over and I still have barely scratched the surface…. but I always knew, just by listening to people talk about their past and their childhoods… I knew my memory ability was unique, because I could remember all the way back to the first time being hit as a toddler with the old fashion hairbrush mother broke on my backside…. I was not even 2 years old… and that is my first real memory and that is one memory my brain never let go of… sometime I will write how mother turned white a few years ago when I told her I remembered that beating…. that is why my expression when she took my picture… I never would smile for her after that hairbrush, until something happened to make me forget…..

I get most people can not remember their childhood, in fact by the time most adults have hit 40, they are doing good to remember so and so in high school and that is perfectly normal…. for normal memory making people…. I knew, because of the hair brush beating… I was different… the shrink at the El Paso VA set me on my journey, when he said edetic….

Can I remember every second of every day… no and I am grateful I can’t…. Can I remember what my kids or grandkids remember, when I was around them… and that answer is no also and for good reason…

We chose what memories to make… the grand kids have no clue the sacrafices we made for them when they were young…. and they do not remember the rules of society we taught them either… Excuse me, please, thank you, honesty, ethics and much more… if they had… lives might be different… some chose a different path, because our memories we made with them did not stick… they were not traumatic or violent or mean or hateful…. the influence of those around them as they grew took our place, since we were not around for the last 15 years…. What we remember will not be what the kids remember… or our friends… family… memories are individual….

Memories form who we are… I work daily to find any good memories from my parents home…. I work daily for any good memories with my siblings…. I work daily in accepting I can not undo the violence done or the innocence lost…..

I work daily to not be angry with the fact the only reason I have health issues… because people in that home chose to hit on a child, until Japan… and when mother got pissed off and had dad tear into me… what came next left them all terrified….. my heart just beat out of my chest remembering that beating and how sick I was after and no doctors… fear kept me in that house in Japan, because if anyone saw the bruises on my body… dad would be out of the military….

Ya know, every time I talked about being sick in Japan, when we lived in Mena and I mentioned it to mother… she never commented… and it was because she never commented, I knew, the flu had not been my problem…. the nightmare of the beating of him walking down the hall, taking off his belt and I look to the left and see the Japanese bath tub and I remember… and I see sister in the living room smiling….

What did I ever do to you… Why did you hate me so much, you couldn’t wait to see me beaten and when the last time happened… and you yelled at me for reading in bed at night… your hate dripping from your voice… you, who say we are close….

Circle of Silence is no more… I can take no more of my heart beating out of my chest… I just relived the memory… may it finally rest in peace….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Knowledge is power, so is sleep… I hate Autonomic Neuropathy….!

The worse thing anyone can do, not know enough… and I absolutely do not know enough… and that is why I sought out the professionals after we moved here… 3 doctors later and we are finally getting some answers… 1st doctor fired me as a patient… stating my case was too complicated… the next place, office manager thinking she knew more than me about medicare and Tri-west fired me as a patient, and then tried to get me back as a patient… my 3rd doctor, kind of happy with the one I got… she’s quirky and I like that… and she says what she thinks…. and that is important, even if we disagree… she is educated, I am just high IQ which means squat… nada… zip, zero….

Now that little issue is imprinted in the brain, don’t forget it… I tell myself….and I will till it does imprint… short term memory was found in the military…. but getting better…

The nightmares stopped again… I think this weekend was the reason for them… It brought back the memories from 1967 to 1972 and those years have been a confused mess for a long time… but, not any more….

As for the years prior to 6 years of age… I have vague memories… the only memory that ever stood out before that age was the hair brush incident and I would have to say that was when I became self-aware and from that point on… I became mommy’s tattle tale… and she still calls me that to this day… 

I have memories from age 6 to 13, but there are some gaps, not much, but some… as for the Texas incident, where Margie died… well the government has sealed my dad’s records and my information on me… that is going to take a court battle and I have no clue if I can afford such a task… I have done court before and it is never worth the money… just look at how Trump is raping America… and probably no jail time…. our courts are screwed up and not a place I enjoy being…. so for me… I am going to say, we rely on what I remember and if the VA approves hypnosis, maybe what ever that drags out of the depths of this brain…..

Right now I am dealing with the autonomic neuropathy…. I am swelling up around 2 or 3 AM and that is the end of the sleep…. I am beginning to understand why my weight has fluctuated my whole life and I mean since I was around 8 years old….

In 98 I got down to 118 pounds…. and for a woman my height… I looked worse than Olive Oil or a phone pole, I was so thin…. and it happened before that time period and it has happened since… and it is happening now, but I am more in control, now that I know about the Autonomic diagnosis…. only took 50 years… yea for health care in the VA and Military system…. NOT!!! and yes they have been my health care provider my whole life… it’s called service to your country… and you can see what I got for that service….

Anyway… that seems to be the curse I am dealing with now… the exercises are helping with my left side, as far as giving me some strength and you can feel the muscle respond as well as the angry nerves…. but there is a stiffness that is happening and that too is something weird and has been ongoing for a few years and I have no clue why… especially since I always have been active….

More questions than answers for an illness that has been ongoing since at least 1960… thanks mom and dad…. but their god forgave them??? wow!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Vet No MRI Dependent husband all done…

I think we are on week 5, waiting for a call from the local facility, so I can get a brain MRI and find out, if possible to find out, what the hell is going on in my brain with 2 abnormal brain waves….

You start to speculate and then you do the stupid and research symptoms, like the vasculitis… and you get paranoid and you think this is it… the sky is falling… grab your ass, put your big girl panties on and look in the mirror at how stupid you just got…. and laugh till you pee those big girl panties….

The health issues, the mental issues, the life issues… I am so over thinking about any of this stuff… but I have too, regardless what path it takes, I have to stay in the moment and just go with it…

I can be working around the house or shopping or just watching TV and something will trigger memories and stuff just floods in like a tidal wave and you are looking for anything to grab to make sense of it…

I guess at some point I found that life raft, because every time in the last couple of days, any memory that comes into view, just plays on out….

I don’t know how to convey, knowing you know every day of your life, but something is keeping you from remembering it… I have walked through life for the last 50 years, trying to figure out the first 14 years… I have narrowed that down to 6 years…

Has every day of my life come back, I think with what ever happened in Texas, the brain injury then, is what caused the twin signals in my brain… I know it gave me narcolepsy after the Japan beating and that was around 14 years old and that issue did not finally stop until around 2000…. I haven’t had a sleep paralysis issue since then…. Drove from Washington to Arkansas when we moved in 2003 and I drove one rig and hubby the Uhaul…. at one time I could fall asleep by just closing the eyes… It got scary for a while…

For the longest time I fought to understand what was going on in my brain and got no place with the military or the VA… and the VA is still not disappointing… still waiting for the Brain MRI…. sigh…………………………………

It was sweet vindication, when I told the doctor before I saw the neuro, I told her I had peripheral neuropathy and that is what they diagnosed me with along with autonomic neuropathy….

The only reason I thought Vasculitis was on the table… after the defective surgical glove incident at Vance… they found my primary vessel to my heart, partly occluded and it still is… and that one symptom that fits none of the other stuff, the tightness of the chest… Mike will attest, sometimes it is off the chart for pain when I eat, because of that tightness in the chest and yes, my heart has been checked… this is related to the blood flow and as I swallow something goes wrong and it is just bad… enough said…. and no it is not the esphoagus, all checked… but not the veins…

I hope the MRI happens soon… I have read what other tests they may want to do… I am all in except for a spinal tap or sleep study… I do not sleep in strange places without my dogs or hubby, and there is more to it than just that…

My instincts have told me my whole adult life, never let anyone put a needle in my spine… and If I had done lots of the things the doctors prescribed… I wouldn’t be typing this now… I would be dead… so instincts I trust… Doctors… not so much… All they did was pass tests…. That doesn’t make them great, just qualified to pass tests… 

Well I have my own test… I see the neurologist in Feb… Time will tell, it always does…. and I am betting I will piss him off in the first 5 minutes… and not deliberately either… the dude is as uptight as you can possibly get… yuppies, I will never understand them….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Mind Trap Abyss…

The mind is like an abyss, the more I read about psychology and neurology, the more I realize I know zero about either subject, except for what I have lived for 64 years…

I can go back in time around the time of the boob incident and I can see myself about age 8 and my thought process has started to evolve, but not in a way that anyone else around me would have recognized… instead… they put labels on me…

It was easier than the adults, being adult… label the child, instead of guide the child… well that is what christians do… destroy what they can not control or understand and try they did….

But the mind trap… was one I started around that time period… First it was as I was going to sleep, doing the religious prayer for no other purpose but to keep the adults off my back… playing with sister when told, other wise I was outside and as far from the house as possible and when those options were not available….

I escaped from reality into my own world in my mind… all the while doing what the adults wanted… Must have been a real frustration for my mother… she had total control over all her children but me… and no matter how hard she beat me…

I just looked back at her like I had done since I was a toddler and she hit me with the old fashion hair brush… those eyes telling, I know the truth… I know the truth…

cropped-margie-at-2.jpg

The mind escape is what kept me going, yet I knew if I let it, the mind trap would grab me and never let go… so choices I had to make… and reality was put in place to protect and protect me it did…

Every brutal beating after the boob incident… I used my brain to protect me, so that someday, when I was ready… the trap door would open and all I had denied would be laid bare….

Covered in bruises after one of mothers infamous beatings… this little 6-year-old didn’t understand….WHY

But by the time the boob incident happened… she got the message and so did the school photographer… the evidence speaks for itself… those are bruises on that child’s body… not make up… all because mother once again was embarrassed….

Maggi6yr

The mind trap in place, she learned to escape… All the while watching the adults and filing away every word and action that was for the sole purpose of hurting their own children…

By the time the Japan beating happened… things started changing in that household… sister was no longer able to manipulate things so that I got beat… Mother had to back off, because if they hurt me again… those 16 years of military service would go in the toilet for dad…. but that never silenced her ugly mouth, and four letter words were the norm…

But the mind trap played on… protecting, keeping me safe… To this day, I can not tell you how I graduated high school, even though I flunked a grade because of the boob incident beating… I still graduated on time… all the while being told how stupid I am by mother…

The mind trap still protecting as I take on adult life… Unable to articulate, I wrote… Time passed and the military took my childs soul and laid it bare and mine after the rapes…

The mind trap is still working, taking me away from all the ugly that goes with life….

Then came Mike and the mind trap started to melt away… and I found that life was nothing like what I had experienced in the first 40 years on this planet….

I use the mind trap now, just to relax after working on this book… I use it, as brain candy reward, and let the imagination wonder…. Now the mind trap is nothing more than a momentary escape to relax, not hide…

Not knowing I had TBI’s or PTSD… made this journey harder than it had to be and mother still refuses to talk, so does Auntie… and then the VA health care system started letting me down by 1998 and from that point on… it has been one cluster fuck after another with each president and congress all the while making themselves rich while stealing from social security and veterans….

It wasn’t for lack of trying that our own government is hell-bent on destroying veterans and putting those seniors in their grave, the people that help to build this nation… We are an invisible people and expendable to this nation…

Just look at the rich mans tax cut and all the jobs that are now disappearing… They want the middle class to wipe the ass’s of the upper class…

I thought America was the land of EQUALITY???  only if you are in the 1%…. or a white nationalist like Trump… 

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself…. and women keep putting men in office… stupid is as stupid does and they will likely bitch the loudest…. 2021, can not get here fast enough….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

PTSD keeps evolving….

I have to give it to the mental health lady I saw here… she does know her stuff… but for me… it just wasn’t the right path to take, spend a half hour once or twice a week and then have to remember what we discussed and get the brain in the direction the worker is… just doesn’t work for me…

I hop from decade to decade when I talk to Mike and there are times he has trouble keeping up… and this dude was on the Deans list at UNM every semester… before he had open heart surgery… so stupid he is not… he was working on his 2nd degree in 2014…. on my VA benefits….

What the young woman said, was baby steps and I get you can’t hurry anything along, IF, the brain is not willing…

Well crap, I have been willing since I remember the damn boob incident with sis and bro and my mom being a psycho path…. so yea, I have been wanting to know since I remembered the hairbrush against my backside at 18 months old…. so I get the psychology part of the PTSD, not 100%, I am not educated…

I have some college, the rest… everything I could read, watch documentaries, actual surgeries, you name it, if it was available I jumped in with no clue what I was learning, some of it from actual job experience… and after a while I was not just absorbing and over time I realized I had learned…. after being told all my life how stupid I was… gee wonder if that IQ test back in 85 had anything to do with it…. sorry sarcasm not on point today… headaches…

I can feel the change in my brain… today especially, and it started around 3AM… first the bloating and swelling of my intestines…. then the headaches and the weird foggy feeling and the heat hit… starting at the top of my head and it spread slowly all the way to my toes….

Ya know, they made me go through menopause at 25 years old in the military because they got it wrong… I know what hot flash’s feel like and this is absolutely nothing like that… they are short and usually just the head only….

What has been going on today has happened multiple times in the past, but yesterday it was lots of tachycardia, today the sweats and nausea… breakfast, the dogs got mine… and my mood is very laid back and relaxed and not from the pot either….

So yesterday and the day before, very up tight and pissey… today, I feel like I am in a fog, with frontal headaches and like I said, I can actually feel the difference in the brain… and I read this is not unusual… so I am just going with it and enjoying the weird experiences that come with what ever the hell is causing the 2 abnormal brain waves…. 

I mean it has been going on since Japan and that was 50 years ago… I am just fully aware of everything since I got my memories back and understand the nightmare my family left me to live… they say Karma is a bitch… I kind of hope so…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Vasculitis and Why???

In my military records, in 1978, a test came back saying I had a STD… which I found odd, because I was married, but getting a divorce… but, not sleeping around… 2 little kids under 3… like I had any time with my military job and the kids…

So they sent the test off to the state lab in Oklahoma City… in the meantime, I was given a shot in each ass cheek with penicillin and sent on my way… and never informed of the results from the state lab… I turned the asshole flight surgeon down and said no thank you to the little man between his legs… go figure on that one…

After my discharge, I had my military records and I was looking through them and low and behold… the state labs results… NO STD… but they documented that they had no clue what kind of infection I had…

Now by this time I am on Japan and the doc there is trying to save my life and they do a bunch of tests and blood work and they decide they need to scope my stomach and take a biopsy… I tell you one thing upper GI and lower GI tests… UGH!!! that black crap is nasty….white stuff no better…. yuck…

Anyhow… they found the parasite H. Pylori… Now back in the day, no one thought anything could live in our stomachs because of the acid… well they were so wrong… this H. Pylori can be transferred to you just by sharing a ice cream cone with your cat or dog, or them licking you in the mouth or from drinking water or and this is the best one… you can get it while in the womb….

Now I know I have a parasite in my eye, because the optometrist and more than one has told me this, says it was from when I was in the womb and mom ate fish that was raw…. The doctors said that was the only way to get the parasite that is encased in calcium in my eye… If it had moved just slightly more to the right, I would be blind in that eye…. and no there is no antigen in my system from that parasite…

But there is antigen in my blood from the H. Pylori and that could very well be the caused of the Vasculitis and probably started when the infection was picked up by the state lab, but no one could identify it back then… they didn’t have the ability… medicine… always growing and changing… but humans aren’t…

Now you get why I think Vasculitis is extremely possible, it can be caused by antigens in the blood… another reason, 2005, my white count goes off the chart and the VA sends me to oncology because they think I have leukemia…. thankfully I didn’t, but my white count was monitored for 6 months with monthly blood work… and that wasn’t the first time my white count went nuts… it happened half a dozen times from 1978 to now…. and I warn the doctors, unknown, low-grade infection, no one has been able to diagnose and they just look at me like I grew 3 heads…. SIGH!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, I was exposed to agent orange on Okinawa… so white count means something to me… maybe not to them… but to me… hell yes!!!

Sad I am the one to figure all this out and have to go to the doctors and they confirm what I already know… Honestly why do they go to college???? Someone so should have caught all this back in the day, instead by 1998 I was so fed up with incompetent doctors working for the VA, I became my own worse enemy…

But, at least, I figured it out and the doctors are just confirming it… guess that IQ crap came in handy after all…. and I didn’t get the education Trump got… thankfully… just saying…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

1972 going back to 1967…edited….

Yesterday was interesting…. no clue how this starts or ends, I just know I am along for the ride and what a ride it has been….

I always remembered the singing competition in Junior High in Big Springs and the field trip and the critique of my singing….

My next memory picks up and my mothers mother has died, a woman I knew nothing about, nor ever met… but my mother was beyond upset about the death of her mother that abandoned her??? Yep you got it, what I found out about mommy dearest and how she was really brought up and by who… well the facts speak different from her stories… it is amazing the people who reach out to me doing genealogy… they provide a wealth of information and a paper trail to back up their words… My mother, not so much… her words have been false since the day her mommy abandon her as a little girl and that was the beginning of mommy’s mental health issues and it took a twisted turn that she is still acting out today….

So mom being upset about her mom, that is when my memory started working again and by then… We had been vaccinated for our move to Japan and we had only been at Webb AFB less than a year… It’s expensive to move military and doing it, from Gunther AFB, to DaNang AFB to Webb AFB to Yokota AFB in less than 3 years… yep cover up and the military is very good at it…. Anyone with military knowledge knows this is not the normal time of transfer between assignments… In fact now a days, you probably will only get moved around a few times if you make a career out of it… Military people get what I am saying…. They don’t transfer you unless man power is the issue or a scandal has happened… I know, experienced it myself while active duty….

Enough back story…. let’s get back to the memories I drove Mike nuts about yesterday… so excited so much came back in sequential time and not out of frame of reality… Makes it easier to see the memories, if you can pin the time frame down and that is what I did yesterday… I took the chaos and kicked it out of the picture and put the puzzle together for 1967 before the brain injury by mommy and daddy to 1972 the last brain injury by daddy…

All this means… I remember… I remember before the brain injury in Texas and I remember all the injuries sustained from that time on… the chaos for this part of the journey is over….

I remember what I hoped to fully remember and remembered it correctly and not the versions my mother likes to give… for example… 

Mom loves to tell this story about how I would sneak back in the window in base housing at Naha, Okinawa… by now I am 17, the last blow to my head happened and daddy was told by mom, he shouldn’t have done that… hit me I mean… and that is when everything changed between me and mommy and daddy… just a fyi, the windows were not the kind you can crawl in… look at base housing picture for 1970 to 1972 of Naha AFB… they are online… just google it… anyway….

I never snuck in the window… I walked in the door… When dad struck me upside the head that summer, he was told straight up, and I quote myself… “Touch me again, and you will die”… and I turned and walked out the door and went to the bowling alley… read the blog, the story is in there…

So mom started the stories about me sneaking this or that, and those stories were never based on facts…

The facts were and are…

After I was hit the last time that summer, I did what I wanted and that meant coming and going as I pleased… I was still in high school and conformed to the rules and curfews set by the military police on base… but other than that, I made my own rules… besides if I had balls to take a shower on the back porch with a GI and mommy walked in it… yep you got it… she was no longer in control… but her lying mouth was….

I took my life back after that last blow the summer just before I turned 17 and I never gave it back to mommy or daddy… Now you get why mommy does not want me around… I always had edetic memory… 

I just had to remember…. and I have….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…Margie….

FYI… being moms daughter, upper portion of this child was well endowed by the time we moved into NAHA housing an those tits were not going to let me crawl in any window… I tried it once an bruised them good enough not to try twice… but moms stories says I did it lots…. nope, just once, then Don knocked me upside the head andI turned the tables on them both… geeez so fun to remember getting even with them without raising my voice or my hand…. just used my brain…. lol

Periheral Neuropathy & Vasculitis….

Peripheral Neuropathy is something I knew I had for a very long time… but didn’t get official diagnosis till this year in Feb… and that is when the ball slowly started to get more tests done and get some definitive answers… 

Well its Dec and we still have no answers, let alone a brain MRI… It is VA health care and nothing like be the trash upon what Americans walk upon… Health care in the VA has gone from bad to toilet since Trump took over…. okay enough rant…

What I think, and it’s only because of what happened this morning around 3AM and then a couple of hours later after I got out of bed… and those symptoms got me looking and I found something that fits my symptoms to a T…….

Vasculitis…. It makes so much sense… I was anemic up till around 98… I have had every symptom listed for this disorder since 1978 and that was the time our surgical gloves were defective and 3 airman, myself included and 2 doctors were exposed to what ever our patients had in their body and most of them were Vietnam veterans and they carried a host of illness’…

When you do surgery on people and have your hands in their mouth’s, anything can happen… thus defective gloves and one airman got Hep C…. and me, I just got sick and they never figured it out…H Pylori was found in 1985 or there about that time,  but over time, I have been diagnosed with so many illness’, that were not correct… because no one did the proper tests… and still haven’t… 

Neurologist requested a brain MRI 5 weeks ago and I have no appointment to get one and I doubt if it will happen before Jan of next year… Yea for Americas support of veterans… How was your Veterans day off???

Anyway, the term Vasculitis fits… every symptom they list… I have, every one and have had, since at least 1978…. Does that mean that is when it started… No…

It just means that is when it first started getting documented and thankfully the military and VA gave me all the evidence I need to show how incompetent and negligent they have been since 1978…. and people wonder why veterans commit suicide… believe me, the thought is a common one… no one gives a damn, so roll over and die and that is what vets think America wants… but we are whining right???  

Want to see a whiner, look at Trump, Kavanaugh, Thomas, Graham, McConnel…. need I say more???? Those men could not stand a day in my shoes with the amount of pain I live with… they would go whinning to mommy for drugs… Bullies and cowards never do have any back bone… okay, sorry, rant finished…

The MRI the doctor wants is one of the tests they do to diagnose this disease and yes it can kill me and probably has come close already if my left side is stroke related and that is one of the issues with Vasculitis… I have so many questions and so few concrete answers… but, so far… I have been right on every diagnosis that I have made about myself… Kind of hope I am this time too…

I started baby aspirin about 15 years ago, because of the issues blood suckers were having taking my blood… something that has happened since I was in the military, never knew if it would be one stick or a bad stick in a vein they don’t normally go for, because it is so painful… that has been my life since 1978….

As for bringing down more inflammation in the body, we started turmeric in 2010, and it did help about 5% of the time…. then I started Bio-Astin the Hawaiian natural supplement that works on inflammation, this was recommended by the Neurologist and it does work… Been taking it now since May and the lab only had to hit my veins twice to draw blood, instead of 4 or 5 sticks…

Treatment for this is not on the table, the drugs involved make life worse, not better… If I am correct on this, it just means more lifestyle changes and hopefully I can stay off medications and treat myself naturally… The only bad part… It means giving up smoking pot… any kind of smoking will constrict vessels and that is already and ongoing problem as indicated by my medical records, that is if you can find health information in our medical records… my copy is mostly employee rhetoric, and that is a true story… even the surgeon gave up and started from scratch…

Federal employees must think we give a rats ass about their opinion… all they did is provide documentary evidence of bigotry and discrimination in the Veterans Health Care System… and it all comes from the employees working there…. and that is a FACT!!! I have a full copy of everything every employee put in my records, because I pissed them off… I had lots of practice growing up… told ya Margie has a mouth and a quick come back…. always has….

Yesterday was another interesting day, I remembered from 1972 back to 1967…. seems like my memories are really waking up, nearly drove Mike crazy running my mouth… But, I remembered our move from Texas to Japan to Okinawa… the years I have been fighting to get back, flooded in yesterday like a movie marathon…. think hubby was glad we went to bed, only then did I shut up….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Why Mental Health is the Worse for my PTSD….edited…

As always doing something, always trying to stay busy, when busy you don’t think as much… but, I do… a habit I picked up as a child to protect myself and that habit, let the brain wonder and do what every it wants for fun… and most of the time, it will work and take me away from what ever is bugging me… but…. not today… today, it hit me between the eyes… the aha, why mental health will never be able to truly help me as a patient…. and this is why….

What I just said about letting my brain wonder and have some fun, in other words I would let it go to a fantasy land of imagination and I would make up stories in my head and lose myself in those stories… they were actually good stories, because I could remember them and add to them… so in the sense of the words… I wrote myself my own story, so I could survive in the world around me… and it worked until 2010….

When I tried mental health here on Hawaii, the young lady was good, but, very preoccupied and unable to keep up with me, no matter how much notes the child took, she would never put the story together… I bounce from year to year and decade to decade, because to me they are all connected… to the mental health worker, it’s a puzzle they are trying to put together, but can’t, because they do not know the whole story, like I do and my hubby of 24 years….

Even tho Mike knows most of the stories about my parents and siblings… the last week or so, he has been hearing more information that he never heard before and when I connect the dots for him, he knows how the new information fits into the story I am telling….

Much like you trying to read this blog, that I cannot put in sequence, only because I cannot maintain a signal long enough for the changes to take effect…. so too is it with the mental health worker…. If I wait for her to connect the dots… I will be in my grave and now you get, why mental health cannot help me… they do not have the time to help… to many patients and not enough time in the day…

Mike has been listening to my stories for 24 years… Only in the last year, has he been able to connect the dots with the stories I already told before I got my memories back and he is now able to put the new information in the proper scenario and he can keep up…

No puzzle trying to put the information together so it makes sense… It makes sense, because he knows it by heart…. the mental health will NEVER get to that point and in that situation…. They are and really never have been good for my particular situation and thus why I gave up on them so very long ago…

When you put people in mental health counseling and only give them 30 minutes to talk… just how much progress do you think anyone will make in one year???? It just frustrated me and pissed me off for wasting my time… because I was stopped from talking, because my time was up… nothing like feeling invisible because of a stupid clock….bottom line money and time do not mix, and patients suffer…

I talk to Mike for at least a half hour EVERY DAY and he keeps up only because he is living it….

Combat veterans need more than just minutes to talk… they need someone they can rely on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… and so far all America cares about…. getting Veterans day off from work….

My aha about how little mental health is really doing in America is not a pleasant one, but one that I have experienced before…

We as a nation are letting our people down, because to have enough workers in mental health…. our kids have to be able to live through high school and so far, they are losing and so is America….

Mental health has its good points and bad points just like any other health profession… and most of the time, it’s not enough training and not enough people to do the job….

Mental illness is more pervasive than you can imagine… because when you believe in gods that have not factual basis, based solely on just stories… well funny farm here they come….

I prefer the facts and so far, Egypt has shown that the bible hasn’t told the truth yet… So in my house there is no AD or BC…. it’s strictly Before Curret Era BCE…

Reality is a cold bedfellow, but it doesn’t lie to you….and it actually makes time for you…. mental health, not so much… never did get a phone call back from the local mental health… hubby can back that up…I called twice and left a message… zero response….I am okay with that….I was already invisible….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Memories that Haunt Me???

Had the music blasting in the house and listening to some good old 70’s music and the memory played out before my eyes….

The gist of the memory, a singing competition that was connected to the middle school in Big Springs, Texas…. 

I know we were in Big Springs by the summer of 67, because I went to the theatre up the street to watch Gone with the Wind…. and was so happy it was so long… as you can imagine, I escaped my house at every opportunity and guess what… never did my sister accompany me…. not even as teenagers… the sister that swears we are so close… but my edetic memory says we had no relationship at all… and I mean zero…. but the act must continue and continue the act they did…. it was survival of the fittest and since I am the only one not obese, drugged out or a religious zealot… I would say I escaped just in the nick of time….

As for the memory in Texas, it is important… if I am correct the memory is before the brutal beating that left me close to death and my big brother badly beaten and my siblings traumatized so much… they were easy to manipulate from that point on and they are still being manipulated 50 years later….

I mean come on… If Trump can do it and he is the most uneducated person ever… my mother can do it and still is… like I keep saying, you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself…

Now a couple of my siblings have broken laws that should put them in jail for a long time, if anyone ever turns them in… between elder abuse and social security fraud… the clock is ticking…

The memory in Texas brings back what happened in Big Springs when I received a Severe Traumatic Brain Injury…. and NO ONE TOLD ME… NOT MOMMA DEAREST OR DADDY DEAREST… all about image when you call yourself christian…

Labels??? I will never get why anyone on this earth calls themselves anything else except human…

I guess humanity only happens, when the only label you wear is Human… that is the only one I have… any other label… not in my vocabulary…. but very likely in yours… always about control… you can’t control me, so you label me… lol… you really can not fix stupid… honest you can’t…. I tried… UNCLE!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Finding the Beauty of Life….

Back in the day, when I was over whelmed with memories I didn’t understand or want to recognize… I forced myself to start the day by looking at the beauty of the world around me… regardless of where I lived… For all intent and purpose… I was head faking myself, so I didn’t have to deal with the memories that were causing my depression… same thing religion does by telling you to pray… when in reality you are talking to yourself in your head… I chose me over an invisible god… I exist… the dude is in the imagination of the mentally handicapped….

Once I realized religion was a con and a control mechanism… I turned to myself for support, friendship and trust… since everything that ever came out of the bible was a total lie… I had to figure out who and what in life was real and most of all truthful, and factual…

That created a conflict inside me that lasted less than a couple of years… Simply by moving to Mena, Arkansas and watching my family in action… Any religion I had left in me by 2003… The family destroyed it, in less than 6 months… and I knew… Religion was about control and deceit….

15 years later, when I wake up early like today, around 3 AM… I told myself before I went back to sleep as I was looking at the brightest star in the sky, I was going to have a good day, free of the angst that comes with PTSD… and you know what, I went back to sleep and slept a couple more hours and woke up feeling good…

I didn’t pray in my head to a god that does not exist and never has… 

I simply told myself, this was the way my day was going to be and mother nature provided the rest…

Letting go of the superstitions of man… best thing for this woman… because those superstitions… are all about control…. and that control…. is nothing more than keeping women underneath men…

Well boys, grab your big boy panties… because the women in America woke up and they are going to show you exactly how to get things done… and being under men… will never happen again…. at least that is my hope… but, you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Sun rise on Hawaii

Our new live in pet gecko, named Hulk… we think eggs are in the top of the AC fan unit, so, no AC for a couple weeks till it moves out…. lol, they are everyplace and keep our bugs in the house to near zero, so cohabitation in our house and all of Hawaii…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Headaches equal Nightmares???

You got me, but one thing is for sure… Sleep is not one of the things I am getting… I could not tell you what the cause is, yet… I just know, Pissey I have been… Wanting to nit pick things an basically just fuming over nothing….

Left temporal lobe headaches has been my nemesis and nightmares… That young lady at mental health was right, slow process and some times baby steps… only problem, I want my sleep back… and patience is not my middle name….

Somehow I think the holidays are the trigger and no clue why….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Theft of Property… Nothing New….edited…

I tried an experiment and opened a face book page for the blog and had the settings such that, it was semi protected….

Well someone decided to clone the account and took the picture of the Marine corp uniform and legs… and if you saw the pic… lots of legs….

Anyway… I was trying an experiment and I failed… Oh well… 

The picture stolen is decades old… but, it is still my property…

I wonder what kind of scandalous stuff that poor old picture will get its self into…. 

I am sure who ever stares at it… will beat to a different drum….

If you see this picture online, do it a favor, blindfold it… I got a feeling that picture is going to see more, than these eyes have in 64 years….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Quit Blaiming the 21st Century!!!

I will be the first to agree, no one wants to be conquered and kicked off the land they lived on for thousands of years…. No One!!!

In America, it is discrimination this, or color that, or land this or sovereignty that….

What happened to the native people of the Americas was done by people who lived and died over a 100 years ago!!! Yet no out cry for what Russia and China are doing???

Yesterday in Wal-mart at Hilo, Hawaii… not the first time this has happened since we moved here a few years ago… the customers who were of asian or Hawaiian ethnicity, were treated different from this white skinned round-eyed human…. a USAF DAV… not once, but 3 times before I left the store, I was discriminated against… because of how I look??? I was treated rudely by these employees… but every customer of their ethnic group was treated courteous….

I mean for real… Sam Walton would walk those employees out the door and tell them not to come back… He did that at a little store in Mena, Arkansas… I know, my dad worked there and the employee was the Assistant Manager…

So until all this behavior happened, all I saw was a human in an outfit that said they worked there… I saw nothing else, until I was treated indiscriminately as if, I was not a paying customer… but a person, who looked and talked different from them…. not once did it happen, but 3 times before I left the Wal-mart in Hilo all 3 employees were rude….

We went to Big Island Candy and one employee acted as if she was doing us a big favor, but all smiles with the ethnic group she belongs too??? I mean holy crap on a cracker, what happened to humanity….

I have seen this behavior my whole life and people wonder how Trump became president… because you let those of less education be your voice when the time came to vote…. and the bigots are winning….

The Nation is losing…. Bigotry is a choice… I was born human, but my DNA, says I come from various countries and nationalities… I identify with only one…

Human… that is all I see, when I look at you… what and how you live, determines your label…. mine… a flawed human that just wants to live life free of bigotry and hate…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Mental Illness Hiding in Plain Sight… edited….

No clue how to approach this subject… Call it intuition or gut feeling or just flat-out listening to your body… This is a situation that becomes individual, only because no two people are the same… We may have the same skin cover in looks… but that is where it ends… our DNA determines most everything about us and human interaction determines the rest…..

A post on FB showing Audy Murphy in his dress uniform with all his medals… Now I read this dudes story a long time ago, along with Sgt. York… and Sgt. York was a friend of my grandpa, who also served in WWI & II…. and what I read, made the post on face book beyond disgusting, it was insulting to such a decorated soldier as Audy Murphy….. but that didn’t matter to the person posting it… the person posting it decided that a kid with mental health issues, for what ever reason was less valuable than a person like Audy Murphy….. same skin covering… but this person is a god and is judging another humans life….

Being a veteran myself and never served in time of war, I can’t speak for combat veterans… But I can speak to the hundreds of stories I was told by combat veterans and at no time did they ever compare themselves or their military service to a civilian… regardless of sex, age, color or religious beliefs…. It wasn’t their place to judge… but for some people they think they are gods and have a right to judge the kid on the runway that says he’s a mess…

Mental illness is not selective… anyone on this planet can suffer it by just being hit upside the head and bruising the brain…. or by chemo therapy or many other health conditions that can cause mental illness…

Mental illness is not a silent disease as has been indicated by the mass shooting on Nov 5, 2017 in a small Texas town… or in Las Vegas, Nevada or in Florida at a high school…

For anyone to think they have a right to determine if someone is telling the truth about mental illness… I will show you a bigot, that calls themselves a human god… because they see all and know all and are the most ignorant humans to walk this planet…. just look at Trump…. 

Bigotry is a choice…. some of you wear it like a badge along with that yellow streak down your back…. pride in such bigotry… just wow…

Yet not one comment on face book about Dec 7, when Pearl Harbor was bombed and America was attacked… but they sure have opionions about a kid with mental illness and use a decorated soldiers picture to exploit their bigotry… that is the America we live in….

SgtYorkCarlMillerfriends.jpg

My grandfather was stationed at Vance Army Air Field at one time,  which became Vance Air Force Base… the place I was stationed in 1977…. The greatest generation to ever serve our nation…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIdidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Depression …. 0

It didn’t win today… Depression that is… I dealt with it in a different way, a habit that I am getting into… a habit that I like the results of… tho, I still need work as employees at Wal-Mart in Hilo found out, worse store ever… ugh….

Anyway… since we went into town so early, the angel tree was not available, so we opted to donate a $100 worth of can goods to the local food bank…..

Stopped off at Big Island Candy and ordered a couple of baskets for family and that was an experience I will not repeat… no clue what is up everyone’s ass, but being polite to paying customers is not it… and we won’t be back… Haven’t stepped foot in a red lobster in over 20 years… piss me off and you lose me as a customer…. It is my money after all….

Stopped off at habitat for humanity and donated the TV cabinet we just replaced…. plus a couple other items…

And Wal-Mart employees became a memory that can be put in the trash… a necessary evil living here, it’s cheap…. and rich I am not…

Picked up our mail and we got a gift card from Mikes step mom…. so we started scheming what to get and it struck me… the main reason we went in Wal-Mart was to replace our theatre sound system with something that works off blue tooth and the employee, well between cosmetics cashier and electronics employee… I won’t be in walmart the rest of this year… they be too bitchy for my attitude… and my attitude right now, rips new assholes…

So… by the time we got home from our morning of doing… my mood had changed and I was looking forward to spending mom’s money…. and I realize… 

I beat the depression again… I didn’t let it take my day and ruin it… instead, I went the other direction… doesn’t mean I am not pissy… you get woke seeing Lindsey Graham in your sleep and try to turn over and close your eyes…. 

4:30 AM was the wake up time and home for the rest of the day, with my little bowl of smiley face…..

Yep… Depression 0… Me, my holiday shopping is done and I do not have to leave my house to go into town and be nice to rude people….

Yep, I’m good…. Hope the few gifts we did, everyone likes…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Kavanaugh Nightmares… who knew???

This is one for the books for me… never have I had nightmares about any political or presidential selections or anything pertaining to government… but not last night…

Lindsey Graham and his ugly distorted face whining like a little kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar… sure has looked like the dude is flat-out wasted on capital hill, or those blood-shot eyes are from McCains ghost, bitch slapping him, you can only hope…

Regardless, last night I got hit with bad nightmares and the faces that came in as clear as the TV… Lindsey Graham, Judge Kavanaugh and Judge Thomas and all three connected to sexual assault, at least that is the nightmare I had…

Never in my life have I dreamed of anything closely related to this kind of crap…

My nightmares have always been based upon actual events in my life… 

Not what I watched play out on national TV….

Is it stress, watching the stock market tank??? Is it economic slow down on the island, after the volcano decided to take an extended nap???

You got me… I just know, I woke up from a sound sleep and those 3 men, faces as clear as if they were in the bedroom with me… tore me out of my slumber…

I can only imagine the people whose lives they directly touched must deal with… a living nightmare of rapist and corruption and men acting like a 2-year-old caught in the kitchen stealing a cookie after they were told…..

NO!!!

Yep, this is going to be a long day and I can feel the depression trying to take its opportunity and take up residence for the day….

I think I will just focus on something else that is a little more based on reality around me and not the nightmares of last night….

Today is a good day to do the Angel Tree at the mall…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Ya know, 4:30AM was not my idea of wake up time, but at least when I turned our lights on, it set the roosters off next door an hour early… Karma… sometimes it just happens…. posted audio on FB of the broken rooster trying to crow…. yep the day feels better already…. bet that is one goofy looking rooster….

The real bully of mental illness…. You…

When I was in the Air Force I got involved with the state institution for the mentally disabled…. I never had so much fun, it was exhausting and still so much fun…. I have pictures from the dance we held at Vance AFB and Dave, my best buddy was DJ… we went till we all were ready to drop….

Those few people who volunteered for those activities, I hope they learned to see the person and not the illness… but not forget that there is an illness and not ignore it, like so many do today….

I have no love loss for religion… It is corrupt and beyond any evil I have ever experienced in my 64 years on this planet…. I make it known, I have no desire to have religion or anything associated with it in my world at this time… Why???

Because I am dealing with mental illness… So I asked those on face book to be my support system… less than 25 people, some I have known for decades…. and still they insist on pushing their religious beliefs in my face, when I am trying so hard to heal from the trauma I was made to endure at the hands of christians…..

I made a tough choice and have slowly been letting these people out of my world…. they do not respect my world…. and my world can not and does not want religion in it….

It is up to ME, to choose when I am ready to allow your superstitions into my world… It is also my choice to escort you out the door of my world…. 

Once the door closes, I have been known to rarely open it again… I asked You to refrain, you decided, you knew what was best for me…

That is being a bully…. and bullies are not, nor will they ever be welcomed in my world…. Domestic violence is an old song… one sung by you and many more yet to come….it is called christians ….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember,,, Margie….

Life versus Religion ….

Science says we are hard-wired in our DNA for religion, superstition and other ideology….

I was reading some psychology last night and came across something I had not seen before… combining religion with psychiatry…. which my first thought… so you are enabling a belief???? and come to find out, that is exactly what the articles did… Enable people to believe, even when there is zero proof to support those beliefs….

Okay funny farm here we go…..

Watching the funeral this morning about Bush and the last segment is what we saw after we got up, since we are on Hawaii… and when the minister or what ever title the dude has… got up there and started talking about beliefs in a man, conceived on this planet by an off planet daddy… that is when I turned the volume down on the TV and left the room…. just wow… I mean REALLY?????

Humans are born conflicted, confused and most of all free of prejudice, bigotry, hate, murder, assault, theft….. we are innocent the minute we come out of the womb….

Everything we experience from that point on… is what defines us… for some of the population… religion is the easy out, because you can do what ever you want in life, such as lie, steal, cheat, murder, kill, rape… etc… but your god will forgive you… so have a great life hiding from it…. 

For me… once I got past the lie about the conception of the dude name Jesus and not pronounced the english way, but it’s original form…. then I knew, religion was a con and money-maker…. so the head fake never worked on me as a child, but the fear of the religion did… now why should I fear life, because of a story told a couple thousand years ago…. I didn’t fear life until I started hearing BS about something that was not possible on planet earth at that time in our planets history…. sigh on that one… my soul was saved from eternal damnation called religion…. actually double sigh on that one………….. because I knew this was a con… CONTROL…..

Cons are not new on this planet… they have been around since the human species could think…. once humans got the brain working on how to control large populations and gave the people what they wanted… then you can write your own story with its own history… it just doesn’t make it true… read about Ramesses the 1st… Egypt has exposed the truth about the jewish stories that christians based their faith on…. not much, if anything in the bible is true… but, I will give it a C+ for story telling… National Geographic has done some excellent shows about how the pyramids were built by paid labor… not slaves…. and not Jews….

When reading how the shrinks were enabling those with mental health issues and have a religious faith, I thought instantly of who wrote these and why??? Enabling anyone for any purpose for any reason, tells me that person needs more than religion… they need an independent mind free of the fantasies related to religion and based on the actual world around them….and I ask, why are they hiding from life???

Just as the GOP has been playing this game in America for the last 30 years, by lying to the American people… so too has Religion  for a couple thousand years…

All things come to an end… the GOP is on its last leg now… I expect religion to be right behind it… When humans have to live their lives based on laws and society…. you can run, but you can’t hide… we only have one planet to live on… it’s not that big after all…

To be a good person, you just do it… not pray for it… you just do….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD won today….

Lack of sleep is the worse thing I need… It takes any kind of patience I might have had and throws it straight out the window….

New neighbors down the street, about an acre away and all of a sudden all you hear is singing… and I have to turn the news up, so I can hear the TV in my own home… this is what we left New Mexico because of… 

Bangers that drive up and down the street playing noise so loud, you can hear it on the toilet and that is blocks, if not half a mile away… and you get a vibration of your whole house, as you sit on that toilet… oh yea for stupid….

PTSD, for me, does not like loud noise… I don’t like loud music… Went to one concert to see Hank Williams Jr. and I couldn’t leave the venue fast enough…. Went to see a movie with the grandkids in 2013… the first time in over 20 years I went in a theatre… 

I noticed when I was a teenager, I really didn’t like loud music or noises… and when we went to the bar… the only way I could cope… drink… after I was drunk, I didn’t care about the loud noise….

Drinking is not part of my life… neither is loud noise… thus the desire to move to the east side of Washington and buy 20 acres and have that peace and quiet I so long for and have longed for, since I was a child…

Today I get in the mail the authorization from the VA for the MRI and any other tests they want to do, as well as the doctor being approved to see me…

No one told me, when I put a military uniform as a woman… I would have to sell my soul and prostitute my self respect just to get health care… after defective surgical gloves exposed me and other airman to hepatitis C and a host of other illness’…. one airman did get Hep C… They found a parasite in me… 

I love my country… but my country does not love its veterans…. been over 30 days since the doctor asked for a brain MRI…

I still have NO appointment for any such MRI…. 100% service connected veteran… how do you think the kids coming back from war are going to handle this… 40 years of this and nothing has gotten better for veterans… if anything, it went in the crapper the minute Trump lied he was protecting the nation… instead, he has made this 100% about him, and the Nation well, he sold us to the Company Store….

But Trump wants a parade and wall… You can not fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix its self…

all Veterans want, is what we earned….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Nightmares have begun again….Webb AFB secure building… I Remember…..

When the young lady here at mental health said that it could take years to get through all that I had been thru…. I really was not happy with that statement and told myself… not this kid… I was going to get there and back and do it quickly…. didn’t give myself too much of a time frame, but in my mind I was thinking about 12 months and hi ho silver… we are not away….

PTSD is complicated to such a degree, that the layers I keep pulling back, feel at times like I am making no headway…. that is the biggest reason I limit my contact with the family, including my kids… I need this time of isolation and solitude… I have to face and deal with all that is going on in the brain and hiding from it through drugs or alcohol are not an option… they just make it all worse… did that for 20 years with booze… amazing I didn’t pickle my liver….

But I still couldn’t hide from the nightmares… alcohol, prescribed sleep meds, pain meds, depression meds…. etc….. nothing worked… until a kid murdered 26 people in Texas on Nov 5, 2017…. Texas and Air Force and two days later, I started talking about Big Springs, Texas, Webb AFB the block building and the nightmare I had lived since 1967 played out as I described to Mike what went down that horrible night in Big Springs….

How brutal the beatings big brother and I got… how the screaming of a baby in the back ground and the crying of the other children and the thuds and smacks as bodies flew in all directions…. I see it all play out…. dad remorseful, mother obtuse and children scared beyond any imagination you can produce….

51 years later, the nightmares are back…. I asked… I asked auntie, uncle, granny and mother…. I asked sister and looked brother in the eyes… and they lied…

Image… keeping the image of a man who lied about his military service and all because of money… I got mother survivor benefits from the VA, because I proved dad died from Agent Orange…

I was the last to  know she got the money….

Mental illness is more pervasive than you can possibly imagine… just look at Washington DC… they think lying to the American public is okay….

We voted…. the liars won…. and the nightmares are back…..but, someday they will end… this I do know… I will own the nightmares, not the other way around… I will win…. so will Americans, who believe truth and ethics mean something…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Forgiving….

It is possible to forgive someone for hurting you….

Forgetting is not possible…. unless you have brain injury that precludes you from remembering….

I do not think my forgiving anyone for anything has any value…..

You first have to forgive yourself…. that is the value in life…. start with yourself….

Growth comes from lessons learned an learning to like an respect yourself… without that foundation… of first learning to respect ourselves….

How can we respect others???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Owning my life…..

Ya know, I had the opportunity to meet President Bush, when I worked for protocol at 5th AF… Except then he was vice president and Mrs. Bush was with him… and the Lt., a beautiful african american woman, sweet as tea… asked if I wanted to go down to the flight line and meet them… I had clearance… I worked the HAC when it came through and dealt with the KGB, when Reagan was dealing with Russia…. and I met lots of various generals, admirals, you name it… celebrities… and just one little problem… 

I never saw them for anything more than another human being and that day, I was beyond busy and declined that once in a lifetime opportunity…. I didn’t take the time to live in that moment…

I own that… I own that lost opportunity…. because later, I found out what kind of people they were really like… humble and everyday people, who just happen to be in the right place at the right time in history….

I have passed on many opportunities through out my life…  wined and dined at high-end establishments and rubbed elbows with what the kids call the elite…

I was never impressed back then and I am still not impressed now…

What impress’ me… how you live your life and how you impact others….

I am always aware that my words have an impact on those I love… but…. always that little word…

If I lied to them, I would think less of myself….

I own my life… the good, the bad and the ugly…. and…..

I would change nothing… I like who I am…. I smile back at those gray green eyes of a 6yr old… whose only mistake… tell the truth….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Comfort, when you turn off emotions….

Many times I catch myself reverting to my old pattern of behavior… Shutting down my emotions, turning off my senses, growing silent inside, numb to the world…

Got away with that for many decades… Once in a while it was out of my control an the tears flowed like a waterfall…. As it stopped, the control was mine an the wall got higher… Every time anyone hurt me, mother, father, sister, partner, child or grandchild… The wall got higher an higher….

The wall is still there…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Trust is earned, not given…. a two way street that has zero U-turns…. lies destroy all trust, you have yet to earn it back…. My world, my choices… I own them, do you???

Early memory on the brain…side note…

This is not what I wanted to do… talk about PTSD memories… but, not always do I have a say in what repressed memories come forward… I am receptive and my brain is taking full advantage, in its own way and time…

This memory is connected to the memory in Bonita, after dad came back from Vietnam… and it goes like this, and it will bounce to a memory that is connected with violence at that elementary school I attended for 1st grade, I think… So we are between 1st grade and 7th grade… and it all has to do with Bonita… and school in that backwards town…

You see, my aunt and uncle are only a couple of years older than me… you could say that we grew up together and my memories of that uncle and aunt go back as far as 5 years old… maybe younger…. and this is what has me wondering….

When Don (dad) walked through the door with Johnny, he headed straight for mom, by passed me and all the other kids and headed straight for mom… not a marriage like George and Barbara Bush, in fact a 360 from that marriage… but, always a but… they loved and hated each other and were afraid to be alone without each other…. yep a very sick relationship, built on violence….

As Don approaches the kitchen, mother has what we call now a days, a good old fashion “Panic Attack”…. if it had been a breakdown, she would have been hospitalized, back then, women who did what she did, got committed all the time… remember… we are talking the good old 60’s in America….

I see what is going down and get on my bicycle and head for uncle Dan’s farm and stop in and see a teacher I had in 1st grade… when I knocked on her door and told her my name and started to tell her what grade, she turned white as a ghost and couldn’t get me off her front porch fast enough…. so uncle Dan’s I went… 

The two memories are connected…. I speculated that I was born left-handed and that back in the good old deep south, superstition ruled, in fact it still does, they believe in gods… but, always that but… people who were left handed were considered possessed and they did horrible things to children to break them of that habit and force them to use the right hand….

Now you get where I am going… my left side, always my left side of my body… the one side that let me know after major surgery this year and being down for 6 months straight, and I mean I could not pick up anything heavier than a loaf of bread… When the surgeon released me, that was when I found out how weak I am on the left side… something I just learned to live with… now I question… when did I have to learn to live with a weak left side of my body and when did I have a stroke as a child????

Always more questions than answers… Is that possible, anything is possible… I also know that the neuropathy could be the culprit too and until I remember everything… 

I am just speculating on memories that for some reason, keep bugging me… that is PTSD in a nutshell… until you solve the riddle… the joker will torment your sleep….

Oh Yea….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…..

Auntie an uncle went to same school… again, no one talks??? Uh same time I went there…..Boo….

Common Sense +1 Paranoia in the toilet…

A while back when I opened my new FB page, I got friends requests from a couple of cousins on my dad’s side and one I actually sent a friend request to….

For the longest time I was unable to see their friends list and then just by a fluke about 9 days ago, I saw that they were friends with the woman who nearly killed me and the sister that is only related to me through the mother…. so I have no use for her sick ass…. as for the cousins… well, I was curious why and when the rhetoric showed up in my feed, I had a good idea what was happening, but had to have evidence to back up my suspicions…. and they provided that information for me…

I had told hubby back in Feb, that I thought something was going on and as the months passed and more and more stuff showed up in my feed that kept saying it was shared by this cousin, etc… that is when the spider senses started working over time…

So I gave them some rope and they hung themselves… When you are raised by a psycho path like I was, you learn all the tricks at an early age… I even started on that path as a young adult and it left me so sick to my stomach and my morality and ethics fought against it, so… I walked the other direction and glad I did….

I tell the truth and some people have issues with anything remotely related to the truth… just look at McConnell, Ryan, Trump, Pence and the list just goes on… for them, truth only matters when their own ass is on the line… after that… it is their form of truth and frankly we have no say, because the dumb ass’s voting, keep putting them in office…. sigh… you really can not fix stupid… honest you can’t…

Just a FYI to my cousins… if you were not there when the incidences happen, then you are just going on gossip and it really does show how shallow a human being you are and how morality, ethics and honesty have no value in your world… and that is okay… if I really wanted anything to do with the family, I would have made the effort decades ago after granny died … instead, I have been robbed, lied to, assaulted and beaten by these same so-called christians…. and I expect nothing else from people who are so corrupt, their shit comes out smelling like roses….

In any event… the rhetoric that has been messing with me for months stopped the minute I dumped my dads kin… and frankly they are exactly where they belong in life… because they learned nothing from what they experienced in life….

Poverty is what some are born into and will die in…. because to have morals, ethics and values… you have to get off your fat ass and do something about them…. and my ass is anything but fat… 

Enough of the rant… we are looking at property in Puget sound… area we love… maybe I will buy a house next to little brother… since my inheritance is in his house…. Now that would be fun… waving at him an christian wifey…. Boo…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Site layout….

No matter what I do, it is all about the signal from the cell phone and the tower and if it is not strong enough, I can not change my site to any other format while living here in my slice of paradise on Hawaii… and that is okay… 

The static page with the back story will be the first page seen and all the blogs will be listed at the bottom via the link….

I tried… but at least I know how to do it now… and once we get moved, then I will change things up…

Busy day ahead getting things ready for company and finishing up our flooring and other projects… 

Have a beautiful day and thank you for reading my story… it is just one among millions…

Aloha….

TimesUp #MeToo  WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD Nightmares are back…

In Technicolor no less… Fall asleep and in less than 2 hours I am wide awake because of a nightmare…

I have done this routine since I was 6 years old and the first TBI… I had so hoped that all the ugly stuff from the past had showed itself and it was time to move on…

Nope, the brain has other ideas… When it comes to PTSD, it isn’t over, till it is over… What I thought probably was a new memory, looks more like it is connected to another trauma and there was more to that trauma than I thought and more people involved…

I am so ready for hypnosis… so ready!!! I want my sleep back, I was enjoying sleeping till I had to go pee… After so many surgeries that is expected in the middle of the night… and I was only getting up once or twice and right back to sleep…

Not anymore!!! I fall asleep and as soon as I get in REM… there comes the nightmare connected to PTSD!!! I am so frustrated… I thought for sure I was getting ahead of the game, not keeping pace with it!!!

It could take days, weeks or months, before this nightmare is seen in its full length Technicolor play back… Only then, will it leave me alone at night…

I get I was beaten and brutalized by my mother and father and they had help….

But do I got to relive it over and over and over… till hell freezes over???!!!

Yep, just a little pissed… that I have more of this to do…

I so wish mental health here had sent me directly to hypnosis… and quit expecting every patient that walks in to be average intelligence… instead, I will have to wait till we get moved back to Washington or hope that the nightmare plays out so I can see what all the fuss is about…

What gets me… I don’t remember the abuse, well that isn’t true… I remember most of the abuse… but there are some things that have never been 100% clear and that is probably what is coming forward now…

I had hoped that Margie was reasonably content with our progress and was ready to sit back and enjoy the rest of her life… but no, she is digging up more memories that I wish would just happen and be done…

Not a damn thing I can do about the brain and it’s waking up from its long nightmare… but couldn’t it just have a little love for me and let me sleep???

Wrong answer…. ugh! FYI, headaches have stopped, now we know why I was having them… double ugh!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Hawaii… I will miss it…

3 days ago I got a new Ipad, and tried very hard to update it while I had WiFi available at the stores we were shopping in… because once we got home, it was all blue tooth and the cell phone… I finally finished updating it yesterday… oh joy….

That is the only hiccup about living here… yea, I could get satellite internet, but it is even more spendy and not interested in the contract…. so I am counting down to our return back to Washington state… just haven’t decided what side to live on, coastal or home….

I saw how the word press site would work if I did it the way I want… just one problem… not holding the signal long enough for the changes to take effect… which is totally normal for my situation… but I am working on it….

Still waiting for the MRI of the brain… and since it was asked for, 4 weeks ago… it will be someday… not psychic and with the VA… I give up… hubby will have one hell of a lawsuit and live comfortably the rest of his days…. if I drop dead on him… when it comes to the brain… playing games with health care is typical republican crap… at least Mrs. Trump got top-notch care… sorry, couldn’t resist….she is so bullied… I mean, REALLY???

No depression, only got pissed off once and that, hubby and I discussed and I wrote about it… hearing is not listening….

Thyroid drug dosage lower per my request and for the first time in 26 years… no side effects from levothyroxine… 

Working at the little exercises…. weight good and then we come to sleep and it went to crap…

This new memory, is elusive and bothersome… it wakes me up and it is gone…. I go back to sleep and there it is again, and awake I become… I know this pattern all to well from my decades of nightmares with PTSD….

I know what ever my brain is letting me see, must not be a good memory, so, I am just along for the ride right now, because I don’t have any other choice… I can’t talk about, what I don’t know about… and this dream… I haven’t a clue… I just know it is connected to my childhood….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie….

VA Benefits… Here today, gone tomorrow… It happened before…

I remember reading a while back about how one of the presidents took the benefits away from veterans, because the country was in dire straits and the veterans were the first to take a hit…

Things haven’t changed since that happened, and if I remember correctly it was after WWI or II and it was because the country was in dire straits…

Now Trump has given the rich man its tax cut… Companies are shutting down and laying off workers… The coal industry is definitely on its last leg, thankfully, and veterans are going to be among the first to lose the benefits that our own government swore to protect…

Notice I said swore… not passed a bill or anything else, like they should for Mueller… but they swore never to hurt veterans again… yet, they already did and they are testing the waters….

4 weeks ago, my neurologist requested a MRI of my brain… I have yet to hear one word from any facility here on the island to schedule that MRI… hubby saw his doc 2 weeks ago, he is my dependent and the doc wanted a CT contrast… and he had that done yesterday… and guess what CHAMPVA will pay for that appointment… but this veteran cannot even get an appointment for the brain MRI and my left side is not getting any stronger!!!  Veterans die because of lack of care…and lack of real public support…

When the government wants to screw you, they test the waters…i.e. the veterans who’s pay got screwed up and it was about 365,000 of them… and no out cry from the public… gee.. that is the first steps they take, before things get changed… and frankly… with no revenue coming in… if you think veterans and seniors and disabled are going to have medicare, Medicaid, social security or veterans benefits… 

You are not living on the same planet I am on… I am selling my house as fast as I can, and securing a home for me and mine, that I own out right… 

Ya know, I hope it is paranoia talking and not what Moody’s or any other financial resource I follow thinks could or is happening… but, history repeats itself, because humans do not learn from the past… they are always looking to the future… when the here and now is all that counts…

I hope I am wrong… History wasn’t…. Eyes wide open… hoping for the best and expecting the worse… next 12 months should be very educational… it always comes back to, you can not fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

When Did I Have a Stroke???

Hubby has RA, so today we bought a hand ball exercise set, that allows you to grab the easiest to squeeze first and work your way to the hardest to squeeze… so just for giggles, I grab the 2nd ball and start seeing just how strong this semi old woman is and boy was I in for a shock…

The muscles in my right arm flex when I squeeze the ball and you can see the flex from my hand to my shoulder… when I tried the left hand, things didn’t work the way they were suppose to and my experience, working in the ER, my training in the military and my studying to be a paramedic… and what my left arm did, told me that they will find a blood clot on the brain or signs of a stroke in the right temporal lobe… the place my head was bashed in over a child not of my dads blood….

Explains so much as far as the memories in high school and the weakness I dealt with in PE… explains why I struggled to perform in the final trial of basic in the obstacle course, because my left side, did not want to cooperate…. explains why I fell frequently from around the age of 16 till I had my Left leg operated on in 2011 at the El Paso VA… 

Explains why some of my memories may never come back, tho on that subject I have hope, because of a new PTSD dream that is not violent but related to my childhood …. unknown if it is a fake memory or a real, have not seen enough of it yet to know….

With rehab, you always do better after strokes, regardless how little they are… if they find evidence of stroke, when ever the VA gets their ass in gear and does the brain MRI that was requested 4 weeks ago… maybe in a year a two I will get my answer… with the VA, you don’t know until after it’s over and that is truth… 40 years in the system and never been so disgusted with government employees that make you feel like garbage… because for them… we are just a paycheck… and not patients… 

Anyway… explains why the neurologist got zero readings on my left side too…. Looks like I am going to learn some new exercises…. oh yea….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Have you ever not dreamed???

Have you??? I have never not dreamed… Power nap, alcohol nap, medication induced, or bed time… I dreamed, always the same dreams, never altering, never changing and at one time so elusive…..

Last night I had a new dream….

Last night I had a new memory that felt familiar yet unknown…. It lingered for a few hours this morning and faded as the day started….

I have never had a new dream that was a memory…. Not sure if I should be excited or put my big girl panties on tonight just in case….

Bed is calling, PTSD, the layers just keep peeling back, you just have to be receptive, an tonight an the next I am waiting for something new….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Self-Aware, more a chore than joy…

Born self-aware is a sense you build over time… and it does make you look at every action and see the possible outcomes….and you are acutely aware when people try deceit or lying… throw in a little edetic memory ability and 9 times out of 10… I will bust you… I have been known to be wrong a couple of times, a silver chain comes to mind on that in Okanogan and I owe a young lady an apology… geez that was over 20 years ago…

Recently Mike started Xelganz, it is a rheumatoid drug for his aggressive RA destruction of his joints… I would say he has been on it now for about 45 days… and we had a mood change… it happened when he was tired, frustrated and focusing on the floor we just finished…

His reaction was not violent, but his electrical energy we all put off changed and it was enough, my big 100 pound dog and his sister, picked up on it and came to me to protect me… This all happened in seconds, but I can see it all play out again and the expression on my husbands face as I asked…

“I wish you could see your face, you just scared the dogs, do you realize that”? He did not… 

It took me a few days to evaluate and go over all the things that have gone on in the last couple of months and that is when I remembered… the new RA drug and it’s side effects…. This was likely the answer….

You see, I married the exact opposite of my father… I married a man who is gentle, kind, loving and giving and most of all, he puts up with my crazy ass….

Being who he is, he couldn’t see what happened and kept trying to argue with no substance, so I got pissed and that is when he finally listened…. he was on Xelganz and it impacted his brain and his mood… and his aha moment happened…. He had seen the same thing happen to me for 24 years and he realized, he did what the doctors did to me, he dismissed my opinion…

There are days when you really want to put your foot up someones ass and this is one of those days!!! Then I remind him of something else that happened and he shuts up and goes, now I get it…

I had to get pissed to get him to listen… done that same action so many times with doctors, because they be college educated and think they be so smart… You are only smart….

When you learn to listen… only then will you grow… by listening, we learn…

So being self-aware has never been a joy in my life… but it has kept me alive and it saved my husband’s life in 2014, when the ER doctor missed his heart failure…. 

I caught it when he came home from burying his dad… Triple by-pass a year later, he is alive to attest to that fact…

But there are days, I wish I was just as oblivious as the next person… then I realize, I would be bored out of my mind…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Peripheral Neuropathy and the Free Fall Affect…

About 15 years ago, I started researching neuropathy… the VA at Little Rock had tested my arms and we knew I had it in my arms and that was about 2004….

By the time 2011 rolled around, I had seen a surgeon at El Paso VA and we went over the issues I was having with my legs and I told her about the neuropathy in the arms and we both knew from my symptoms it was in my legs, I had a fall issue that is documented back in my military records in 1978… So she operated and told me the nerve in my leg was so strangled it was amazing I could walk at all… we had planned to do the other leg, but I opted for exercises instead… that was my left leg I had operated on and if you have been reading the blog, that is significant….

By the time we moved to Hawaii, I was experiencing the free fall effect… what that is, you can be sitting, lying, standing or walking, driving a car, you get my meaning, it can happen any time and when it does… you just felt like you jumped out of a perfectly good plane and are in free fall, before pulling the tab for the parachute….. Right now the sensation only last about 15 seconds, but if you don’t like roller coasters, that is some very long seconds and I do NOT like roller coasters…. nor would I jump out of a perfectly good plane… insane, nope… crazy, yes….

In Feb of this year, after the neurologist stuck needles in my legs and arms, that was when I got the official diagnosis of peripheral neuropathy…and autonomic neuropathy… something I have been trying to convince doctors of since my military time… 40 years to get the official word, but I had known for a long time and had done all the right things to keep my mobility… that is changing a little and I am not sure why….

You know how you go about your daily business, doing the same task and never thinking twice… I have to stop and think sometimes, because the disconnect between the nerves, the brain and muscles are showing signs of degradation and that puts my mobility at risk…

Do not know if it is related to all these headaches… like I said and have said… Health care in the VA system is the most corrupt organization I have ever dealt with… and I started work for the federal government as a GS 2 at 17 years of age in 1971… so I got just a little experience about that subject… and getting through all the personal bull shit of the employees and get to health care has become an insurmountable task… in fact the person I dealt with here thinks just because her late husband, retired military, died of cancer, telling us that was more important than listening to the veterans she worked for and had come to town hall to be heard, not hear sob stories from federal employees….. Federal employees, I think they sold their souls a long time ago… I left in 96,  had enough with corruption…. I left the VA here an used medicare, till I got approval an use the outside system… for vets….Tri-west…

So if you have this neuropathy issue and you get that free fall feeling, it is normal… it’s part of the brain and central nervous system reactions to the damage and for me lack of follow-up care as a child… which I never received… so I am playing catch up…. physical therapy is real important… as the degradation between the nerves and muscle progress… and you will have to be aware of your actions… but as long as you exercise the muscles and keep them healthy, even though the nerves are degrading, you can stay mobile…  I do know that some nerves do grow back and we know for sure that the brain rewires after injury… so there is always hope….

Yes I have issues and there are a couple of things I don’t do anymore, only because It isn’t safe and I accept my limitations, but I won’t let it slow me down… we are going to the botanical gardens for a hike… haven’t been back since the hurricane this summer caused so much damage on Hawaii… most people take the golf cart back up, we always hike it… by the time we are at the top, you know you are alive, because that heart is letting you know you just accomplished one hell of a hike…

Botanical gardens on the Big Island of Hawaii, they have a web site… beautiful place to visit, when the house gets to be too much….

Exercise, I hate it, but I like my freedom…. so I just keep at it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie…

Definition of “Non Lethal Force Against Children”…???

For real, just heard Sara Sanders tell the press that the white house can enforce, “non lethal force against children”….???

I mean holy crap on a cracker, are you for real??? As a christian woman, she must believe in using the rod on a child???

As a survivor of domestic violence at the hands of our own government and christians….

If you can not be adult enough to deal with kids by teaching them… then you are nothing more than a bully….and mother or father, you should never become…

We have become a nation of bullies… that think it is okay to scream, yell, verbally abuse and hit children to get them to do what we want… children have no individual rights, when it comes to christians and the U. S. Government…

I am a walking testament to the violence one human being endured at the hands of christians and the United States Government…

My family has been on American soil since the 1500’s… so spare me your racism… and on this planet for over 300,000 years… get a DNA test, you might learn something about real humanity… my DNA is from all over this planet… I claim the label human… nothing more…

And people wonder why kids take guns and kill kids…. because it is okay to use non “LETHAL” force on children… and scar them for life… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie…

TBI and education….

The reason I know I suffered a TBI before the Big Springs, Texas attack… I flunked a school grade, now the memory has not come back completely, but what has come back… now, finally after so many decades, it makes sense… because I have dreamed this PTSD memory nightmare for at least 55 years… and this is why I know it was a TBI…

I have talked about the boob incident before… lil sis had a tumor on her ovary and it made her grow real fast… they caught it and removed the cyst… but it was too late, her body had been flooded with hormones and she grew at a very fast rate, and by the time she was in 1st grade, she was fully developed… not an easy task to walk through life looking like and adult, when you are only 6 years old… This happens in 1 in every 5,000 births, if I remember the science I read correctly…. and that is why there is a boob incident… It was totally  harmless and the kids involved were 6, 8 and 11….

The beating I got for just being a spectator, left me covered in bruises…

Maggi6yr

You can see the imprint on my neck… that is my mothers hands trying to strangle me… and the bruises are from my forehead down to my ankles, there is even bruising on my ears… The photographer at the school in Alabama, took this head band to remove the hair from my face and took the picture… never forgot that person… the expression on their face, looking at my little bruised body, even in the bigoted south, it had an impact… though not one person called the cops on my mother… it was at her hands, this child was beaten… all because she was embarrassed that her 6-year-old had boobs… I still shake my head on that one…

When it came to school that year, I was set back after that year and why??? Because my brain was injured and I remember sitting in that class so very angry at my dad for not being there to protect me… he had been at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba… He never questioned why I was so bruised when he came home… REALLY???

I knew in that moment, school was going to be a struggle for me… I just didn’t know in that moment by the time I was 13, I would have endured rape twice and be beaten near to death and my dad locked up in a military psych ward… and the government sealed the records pertaining to my injuries….???? Again, REALLY????

I believed what the adults said, I was not that smart, yada, yada, yada… until I went into the military and that is when the puzzle became one massive jig saw, that mom and dad refused to contribute too… So I had to work it out on my own…

Going back and looking at the military medical records… I see that a couple of the doctors were on track to figuring out what was wrong with me… but, then my child was raped by the 1st Sgt’s kid and within 2 years after I had re-enlisted, I was pushed out, so they could cover up the rape and attempted murder of my children on a federal installtion… FBI was never contacted… EVER!!!…

As I watch Trump and the GOP in action… Nothing has changed since I stood in a supervisor’s office and said I had been drugged and raped at a officers party and the statement that came back from that supervisor…

What did you do to invite such behavior…. Judge on my looks and not as my person in uniform….Imported Photos 00087

Tho I served in the Air Force… this is the view everyone had of me… they looked at my surface, not my job performance…. I was judged on my body, not my mind… My IQ is 135… tested and confirmed…. and yet, I still thought I was stupid, because I had multiple TBI’s and no one ever told me what happened… just the nightmares of PTSD that was diagnosed at the El Paso VA in 2011… only then, did the journey to remember who Margie was, began in earnest and still such a long road to travel alone…when all mother had to do, was tell me… 

It took the death of 26 innocent people in Texas… to trigger my memory of domestic violence in the name of christians god….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself and so far, I don’t see that happening anytime soon in this world…

My IQ has no value in the sense, I do not have the formal education to be considered highly intelligent… I have only made it this far, by reading everything I can get my hands on that has to do with psychology and neurology… and truly, I barely scratch the surface… that is why I depend on the college educated… they went where I could not… that is another story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…

Site will flip format…

By the end of the week, the site will be chronological with a back story page… 

It will take me a few days, but by the end of the week, the site blogs will be replaced with new format…

I hope, famous last words… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…..

Headaches Win…

Now that I know how to do the site the way I want, still have a couple other changes to do, an the headaches are saying you are done using the brain…

Our brain may be the best toy on earth, but I have learned, I do not always have a say… The body does…

Hope to finish the changes to the site in a couple of days, or at least by Friday… 

Yep connection issues, this uploaded, before I was done… still have to change my format… I did find when banking, that an option they had, I couldn’t use, and when they investigated, yep, they fixed it and I could then use the option…

I don’t think word press is the problem… I think its my connection and just keeping one, when in the administrative part of this site, it has to stay connected… for things to save etc… maybe tomorrow, with a fresh head and hopefully fewer headache pin ball…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…

Site has changed… Now it gets Fun…oops

The blog is now chronological… with the “Why I Didn’t Tell” as the front page… you can click on the links at the bottom and actually see the journey I have been on…

My story is only unique in one way… I never knew about the TBI until I stood in mom’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory… that was 2010, the last time I ever saw my mother…

Since then I have been dragged into family drama and because of their own behavior… the lies that had been told for 5 decades came crashing down…. Why???

Because a young man, kicked out of the Air Force in a dishonorable discharge who had mental illness and he was allowed to own a gun…. He murdered 26 innocent people on Nov 5, 2017…  that community lost so much and I gained my life back…

Texas and Air Force was the trigger and the memory of Big Springs, Texas played out and the brutal beating a 13-year-old 60 pound girl got… for knowing the secret no one talked about… my new sister was not my dads….

We paid… all of us kids in that home paid and some are still paying 6 decades later….

Domestic violence is an old song, sung through the ages and always they hide behind religion and politics to subject all those to their will….

I fought… from the first memory at eighteen months I fought for survival….

The journey has been up and down the last 12 months… I have learned much about who Margie was and who she is…

I hope to bring to light what our own government is capable of doing when it comes to domestic violence and sexual abuse against women and men….

I have only known for a short time that I was right… I still have more testing to endure… of the brain, there is no doubt I sustained injuries… and we know it happened as a child… I have all my medical records, except the ones the government sealed…

This is my story and my liberation to expose the bigotry, and hatred in our own military that is ongoing today…

I wore a uniform, because I believed in my nation… my nation had other beliefs that were foreign to me and included, lies, deceits, theft of property and death…

I still believe in my nation… but not the men in power… for it was men in power, that buried the truth about what happened to me and the attempted murder of my children, when I was active duty…

They say the truth will set you free… not if Trump or the GOP have their say…. Circle of Silence is no more….

and I just checked an it is not chronological… ugh… okay I give up on this one… the site stays the way it is till we get home… sorry, it was fun to play today… but after a few years here with this internet set up… if this is my only frustration… oh well, time to go do something else for the day… have a wonderful mele kalikmaka holiday season…. if this thing flipss and goes chronological, great, if not… okay….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidn’tTell

I Remember….

Headaches are staying consistent…

I type that title and the right temporal lobe decides it is time to see a kaleidoscope out of my right eye…

When the headaches started, around the age of 15, give or take a year…. They didn’t last long… they bounced from one lobe to another… sometimes they made me feel a little miserable and they would fade away…. 

By the time I went active duty, the headaches would last for a few minutes… by the time I was discharged… that was up to a couple of hours…

All this time, I am getting health care, being asked questions and the one thing that sticks out the most from all these military doctors… Neurological… Between 1977 to 1987… they thought what I had was some kind of bone disease or arthritis… after that theory was blown out of the water by the San Bernardino VA…. I was to busy working and surviving, to worry about health issues of any kind… work, meant food, house and transportation… illness, meant poverty…

So I worked… I continued working until 1998 and that was when my body, my brain and my attitude was out to pasture and if ya pissed me off, well lets put it this way, this old cow grew some horns and people found out real fast, how unhappy I was with the health care system…

Now was it all the VA and Military’s fault…. YEP!  The Air Force made no attempt to inform me that I had received a traumatic brain injury… and the military did not do its job by doing a thorough and complete testing… instead, they relied on a psych exam paper test, so they had an excuse to get rid of the problem that was the mother of the child raped by the 1st sergeants son… Vance AFB image was more important than my health or my childs well-being… my heart is pounding out of my chest, remembering the cover up….

How do you think I got 100% service connected disability from the VA… I proved the Air Force lied… enough back story… back to the headaches from the multiple TBI’s….

By the time 2014 got here… I was having frequent headaches and not really getting any health care through the VA… I had pissed off so many people at El Paso VA because I made it known I pushed to get the director fired, which is a presidential appointment… and the dude was fired and my health care went into the crapper and now my records are full of personal opinions by employees at said VA… the doc here couldn’t even find health care info when she looked, there was so much rhetoric, she had to literally start from scratch on my health care… true story….

And that is where we are at… the headaches have not quit… they have been ongoing now since we arrived here in 2016… I can’t tell you why, I can only tell you… the more my head aches, the more I remember… and some how I think it is all connected…

Won’t know that for sure, until the brain MRI is done and I see the Neurologist in February of 2019… yea for prompt veteran health care….

I just keep telling myself the headaches are not a sign of anything bad… as I cross my toes, fingers, legs, eyes and spin my head… yep I’m good…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

It is what it is….

Ya know, I started playing with computers in 1984, and then the Air Force sent me to school as a civilian to learn coding… so I started out in computers at DOS and have used so many platforms, my head swims with keeping it straight, or it used too… now it’s Mac or Windows… and still companies make things so proprietary to protect the copywrite on it, it makes the consumer like me more than pissed, it is frustration that used to go off the chart, with cussing, banging things around and just flat-out pissed… gee that didn’t happen this time… 

Nope, instead, I told the kids at WordPress what I tried and did what they suggested and it still didn’t work… and I think it’s only because I use a HotSpot, zero WiFi, zero land line internet… just a cell phone that runs my computers and everything else we use to get on-line… and it is well protected, with many layers…. so I may have shot myself in the foot with this company, because of my protections in place… I may be so secure, I can’t change things on their end… we shall see, they have my connection info, so they may see something I have no clue about anymore… progress is so fast, I can’t keep up with it….

The morale of this little story… Getting my memories back, started the chemical change in the brain, so when things like this, that make my left side of the brain hurt… instead of getting upset… I am evaluating the situation and figuring out the best course of action… and it goes back to the same thing I have said over and over…

If only someone had told me decades ago that I suffered a severe brain injury… I could have gotten help to recover my memories and allow the brain to heal… instead, because my dad was active duty at the same time I was… it was all about image, making sure he got his retirement and he left the military less than a year after I went active… if word had gotten out that a 1st Sgt, which my dad was… had tried to kill his own daughter, who is now active duty… well we just can’t have that…

It is and always will be about image when it comes to the Air Force and the United States government… though after watching the GOP and Trump in action for the last couple of years… we have no positive image left… just remember these people say they are religious and christians, muslims, jews… you name it… they are the ones tear gassing kids and women at the border….

Yep, there are days when my own stupid I can fix… but humanities’ stupid… sorry folks I am fresh out of magic dust for the brain….

No clue if I can change the site to what I want… it just may stay the way it is, till we get back to Washington next year…. coastal living there… I will have real internet… which I so miss, sometimes… solitude here is very good for my soul and brain….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… 

Working on it…

Get an email from word press, I follow the instructions and nothing happens… nada, zip, zero and you want to talk frustration, just a little, not angry or boiling, just frustrated, I followed the instructions they gave me and the site did nothing, no impact, no change and still haven’t got it set up the way I have wanted since opening this site…

HotSpot communication is not that great, for all the hype AT&T & Apple put out there… It is frustrating… I have to add additional layers of security, my system is encrypted… I do have a sibling that was in black ops… so knowing how to protect your systems is something I have always known… 

But this word press is starting to be a problem and I really want the blog in chronological order….

Waiting for a reply from them now…

We shall see… time for a break and wait for a response from the company….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

Revamping the site…

I apologize, but while we have strong cell signal, I am going to try to set the site up, so that the blog is chronological and not a hunt and peck type situation… No guarantee I can do that from my HotSpot, signal is the biggest issues when trying to do on-line stuff from the jungle of Hawaii or in my case, a couple of miles from the last lava flow and we are no place close to a tower… so it is all dependent on the signal strength… and with our leaving here next year, getting into satellite is not worth the costs… I am a disabled veteran… rich, I will never be…

So all that crap being said… Either you will see a change or you won’t… depends if I can get it all done, while the signal is strong in the morning… and before I smoke to many bowls and the brain goes on vacation….

Floor is 90% done, so hubby can finish on his own and leave me to figure out this stuff the word press company gave me… should be fun… or I may experience a melt down… yea, this experiment should be good test of how far I have come, since getting my memories back… I disliked frustration before I got my memories back… so this is a good experiment…

Hope to have the changes done in the next 48 hours…..

Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

Love these AHA moments…

TENs units… you see them on TV all the time… think the Shauq is the one doing the commercial, except now they are battery operated with no wires I guess….

What has this to do with the aha moment… holy crap on a cracker… 1978, in my military medical records… they assign me a TENs unit and I wear that damn thing for a couple of weeks… and they did that more than once till about 1982, just before I got pushed out and you know what… it did nothing for me, because even when it was turned up, it caused pain, no relief….

Okay let me explain… I have known since high school I had some kind of nerve damage and didn’t really understand what that all meant, until I studied more medicine… I mean it’s not like I had time on my hands to do research back then… I was a working mom…

Because of my job in the military as a dental assistant, I did all of the job, except make dentures or crowns, etc… so I had my hands in all of the dental field… surgery was my favorite…

Well that job takes you being in a specific position as you work on patients and all of a sudden I am having issues with my nerves, numbness, etc… and that was about the time I started to really feel the neuropathy… I had pushed my body too hard… 1977, child-birth, 3 months later basic training and it had only been 10 years since the last brain injury… yep, I screwed myself and didn’t know it… remember… I just learned of the TBI’s last year…. and I asked mother… she refuses to talk… christians, not much you can do if they won’t talk… until they lie… then you can do something… until then… its all on me to remember….

Anyway… the doctors in the Air Force were trying to work with the issues I had, and they were on the right track… TENs is what they use on people with neuropathy… it just has to be in the right place to work on the nerves, the military didn’t place them right, because, again, none of us knew about the TBI’s or anything that happened to me as a dependent daughter of an active duty member… and back then, my dependent records might have shown something, but for some reason… they disappeared… gee go figure on that…

The aha moment just verifies the nerve damage and the fact the Air Force was aware of it, but none of us knew the cause… thus why they tried to play it off as mental at discharge… when they pushed me out…. easier than letting rape and attempted murder come out in the press…. this makes sense to me, because of how it impacts the book… this is an important memory…. I don’t write this blog for any purpose, but to keep track of all this junk my mind opens up… the puzzle is starting to take shape… and just maybe I owe a couple doctors in the Air Force a thank you… they listened…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

Silence is Golden….

Over the 24 plus years of being with Mike, I have regaled him with stories of my adventures, conquest and yes, even women can conquer men… and lots of stories about the family… and Mike has told me, my stories have never altered in any way, from the first time I told him… consistency is so important on this journey when dealing with TBI and PTSD, throw in a healthy dose of neuropathy and it makes for one spectacular life and if nothing else…

That life, I have had and much more to come … and for all the crap I write about… I would not change a thing I have done since I turned 18 years old… I would do it all over again… All of it…. Why…. 

Because I like who I am, I respect me as a person, I appreciate the lines that are starting to show themselves and the sagging skin that comes with getting old… though the grey hair is taking its time, still a strawberry auburn blonde color with those quizzical gray-green eyes…. and that little dimple that still appears on occasion…

No, there is nothing I would change… life is what it is, I am just having, sort of, okay maybe, well maybe not… kind of fun doing this repressed memory journey experience… What can I say, total geek to the core… why do you think I cut the cousins loose, been waiting for the opportunity to prove I was right… why, has no value to me… trust is earned… they do not have mine and that is okay… it may have only been one of them, but that click is so tight… our paths would have never crossed anyway…. I honored a promise and now I am free of the mess they all made… I got one big enough of my own, thank you very much….

I know, when is she going to get to the Silence is Golden part… When you know you have mental issues, you trust so little, including yourself and for decades I knew I was missing memory, but had nothing but paranoia to go on… and I never told Mike about any of that, until recently… I kept that secret close to my heart for over 50 years…

For any person on this planet, say they know anything about me or my life, they would be lying through the sorry ass they talked out of…

Mike is the first person on this planet that I have ever trusted… I took that domestic violence abuse from the age of 6 till the age of 63… I have ALWAYS kept my secrets close… I never had anyone I could confide in, except me and when you start arguing with yourself, lets just say, I duck when I swing….

My life has only become known since Nov 7, 2017… I never told of rape, the beatings or the government cover up in any public way, till now… Privately, Mike is the only one who knows most of the story and there is still some I have not talked of….

Yes, my life has been full of the things you see in movies… and its nothing to brag about except for one thing… I survived not knowing I had a TBI and all the ugly behavior that came with that TBI… it is a part of my past, but it was classic behavior for a severe TBI… I own that, it is part of me and it taught me more than I could have possibly hoped for… and it still makes me blush, a bit…

Silence is no longer golden in my world… people like Trump, Kavanaugh, Thomas and Moore are the kind of people who tried to silence me… now women and men are raising their voices and saying….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…..

PTSD Triggers… I am learning….

I learned a great many years ago, I had triggers… didn’t know why I had them, but I knew I had button issues that got me upset… now, not so much, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion… sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t… sometimes I just like to screw with the ones bullying me… and I did…

I have never liked face book, it is poorly operated system that makes everyone vulnerable and it was filled to over flowing with hate, bigotry and racism… being pushed on us by outside sources, Russia, China, N. Korea… all of which I raised holy hell over and ended up with 2 face book pages closed by face book… sigh… college educated does not make you smart… and that is a fact… it’s what you do with knowledge that shows how smart you are or are not…

I had lots of friends, what I considered lots… and over time I started dumping people.. the bigotry, the hatred, the lack of humanity and the over zealous christians… gag me with a spoon please!!!

When I opened the most recent page, I got requests from cousins that are related to dear ole daddy… this is a family full of domestic violence, drug abuse and mental illness… so when we went to Japan in 68, I never made a big effort to be involved with this family and I had lots of good reasons… until I got my memories back, that is when I needed to use people… not an act I like, but when you ask them straight up honest questions and you get hedging… then you have to be subversive…

I couldn’t see the friends list and made it known I do not associate with my birth family… lil sis has a master’s degree in mental health and is a religious zealot and she manipulates to keep the image she destroyed herself when her ex broke his back… so there was nothing left for me to destroy, she did it herself… but did she use her education to get back at me… I really have no clue, this is pure speculation and sometimes its just good to get the angst out of the system… and I just did…

What I did notice, the amount of rhetoric being shared on face book that impacted my PTSD, I begged, I pleaded and I threatened… it didn’t stop, until for some fluke of a reason, I could see my cousins friend list the other day and lo and behold, there be mommy, sister and a few other people I have kicked out of my life… so I dumped all of the cousins… as I am not positive the quarter the information was coming from that was flooding my feed and setting me off… but 3 days later and you got it… zero crap in my feed to upset me… now how about that, christians zero, detective work +1….

I will never know if I am right… I just know, that my face book page is full of what my friends and family I do share and agree is acceptable for face book and the few of them that are christian… are leaving their faith out of my sight…. that is still a subject that will set me off and yes, I am working on it… acceptance of other people’s insanity doesn’t happen over night… to accept you have to trust and so far, only one person on this planet has done what it takes to get me to trust and I sleep next to him every night…

Now that the triggers are out of sight… its up to me and what my PTSD think we need to address and not what someone wants a reaction out of…

Sad that people are like this, but I would be a fool, if I thought humanity had made any progress in the last 5,000 years…. it hasn’t… superstition is what rules this planet and those smart enough to manipulate the weak-minded….

Well back to work, almost done laying floor, I am more a gopher now, he’s cutting the small pieces and I have issues with those tools from childhood an old memory from Bonita that involves Uncle Dan’s farm….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

Self Defense….

So far I have had to change-up everything, to stop the harassment coming from the family… the half-sister has a master’s degree in mental health and I have been getting so much rhetoric on my Face book page, because I had cousins from my dad’s side on the friends list and my lil sister is on their friends list…

I knew that someone was playing psychology games with me and of course, I had to let it play out and see where it was coming from, why it was coming and who was instigating it… sigh…. told hubby several months ago my suspcion… always have evidence, that way, paranoia is not part of it… it is actual detective work… and my cousins and birth family are amateurs… other wise, I wouldn’t have been able to bust them months ago…. double sigh…

So I have changed my twitter account, my face book account and now if they want to follow the blog, they will have to do it through proper channels or hide behind the twitter feed… either way… I shouldn’t get anymore stuff directed at me, that is detrimental to my recovery….

It really is sad, when people wear a label of christian and then do everything they can to sabotage someone like me… they went out of their way to destroy all, because I never allowed any of them to have control over me…

It’s time to let them spin their wheels and feel the frustration of not being in control….

Not much you can do, when people are mentally ill and use their education to try to destroy human life…. 

But their god will forgive them… I keep waiting to see billions of people burst into flames, because they bought into the hate and bigotry called religion…

Hope springs eternal….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

PTSD and the Relationship Game…

Does not matter the relationship… Mother, father, brother, sister, spouse, significant other, child or grandparent…. PTSD screws with all of it and depending upon the type of PTSD, in other words, what is the PTSD trauma, combat, car accident or like mine, domestic violence and rape…

For me, I know that when we lived in Alabama, my attitude towards people, regardless of who they were, had changed… very subtle at first… Most people would have contributed the behavior to puberty or any other excuse they can come up with besides working to figure it out… sorry I digress….

Around the time of the boob incident and for those curious about that incident, when I got another brain injury… mommy dearest was embarrassed over the behavior of a 6, 8 and 11-year-old… end of story… Mommy dearest was anything but adult and my body paid for it and any relationship I had at one time with my sister, was disintegrated… thanks to, you go it… mommy dearest….

I was a typical kid, could not wait to get the hell out of my parents home, and I left as soon as we got back from Japan… and that is probably the only thing that saved me… I got out of the clutches of the psychos and saved my own soul in the process…. and I was half-baked, when it came to relationships… the only one I had to go on… the one I watch try to kill each other and me… oh, might as well throw the other kids in too… we all got the crap beat out of us, except sis… oh, but she did get slapped one time…. for real, you should see the expression on my face… want to talk about a click in your own home… that be mommy and sis… now its mommy and the rapist… just made for each other…. that does make me laugh… they so deserve what life gives them….

Relationships and I never worked… it was a ying and yang type of scenario… and I knew it and I still acted half-baked sometimes and I don’t mean stoned on drugs… I mean my thought process was anything but logical or rational… that is what TBI does to you and so much more…

Married 6 times before I hit 40 years old… 1st time, I still think I was nuts for that one… 2nd time, convenience so I could go into the military… one of the kids was his… 3rd time, I was more lonely than anything… 4th time, convenience… so people would leave me alone, he was going to Turkey on assignment and I was staying put… we were married nearly 10 years… 5th time, I had my head up my ass…..

Number 6, we have been married over 24 years and counting… when you find one that puts up with your craziness, you hang on to them… and this was one, I was willing to work on… and we do that daily…..

As for relationships with my children… you will have to ask them… I make no assumptions and I have rules… called respect, honesty, integrity and ethics… live life any other way, well, I guess I won’t know much about a couple of the kids, now will I… All you can do, once they leave home, is hope they have a good life and contribute to society, not take from it…

Sadly my blood relatives all come from a time of domestic violence, religious bigotry and alcohol and drugs and little to no mental health care… I hope they all find what ever it is they are looking for in life… I stepped out of the picture decades ago and only stepped in, because an uncle asked me too… now all are dead and I owe no one anything of me….. I wish them long lives and peace….

As for the rest of the birth family… ya know… what ever life is dumping on them right now… I promise you it’s my fault… and I left home in 1972…. true story…

You really can not fix stupid, stupid has to want to be fixed….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

Autonomic Neuropathy and Rib Cage…

I thought about this as I was working to get ready to finish the floor… and it might be important if anyone has issues with the stomach and esophagus like I do…

One thing doctors found in 1978, my rib cage was heavily calcified and they said at that time I had the rib cage of a 60-year-old woman… I am 64 now, in 78 I was only 24… and that is very important when it comes to the stomach issues and the lungs and Autonomic neuropathy….and another reason I try to keep my weight down, my ribs are very heavy…

The doctor in the Air Force asked me and I remember it clearly, he asked if I had been in any accidents or had been beaten and the list went on… I had to say no to all the questions… because… I didn’t remember… I knew nothing of the TBI’s back then… just suspicious…

What has that to do with the digestive and lungs… When I was active duty and having so much pain, I begged for any tool that would give me relief and the mental health taught me bio feed back… which I have used for 40 years now… it does work…

Now from what I do know of my birth, I had double pneumonia, and that left me with COPD, chronic bronchitis… and of course stupid as I was, I smoked cigs for 30 years… 

What has this to do with anything… the bio feed back exercise teaches you how to breath from the gut up… most of us sit so much we breath from the shoulders and up, so we only use the upper part of our lungs… try it, you will see what I mean… stand up and breath from below your waist and fill the lungs from the bottom up, and not the top down… it does improve lung capacity and it works…

Now the explanation… because my ribs are so thick and they got thicker as I aged, my ribs are that of someone who has lived a 100 years… and it crowds my lungs and wait for it…. stomach and esophagus and creates problems….

So not only do I deal with the Autonomic part of the issues for my stomach and swallowing mechanism… but my ribs crowd things even more and because of the beatings as a child… the whole in my diaphragm is deformed and allows the stomach to slide up and down… it has been tested via scope and the stomach moves up and down, the measurements are in my records and I declined being scoped anymore… I know it’s happening I don’t need them to play with me, just as a teaching tool… so over them experimenting on the military and its veterans….  send them to Chicago, they will get all the emergency medicine they will ever need and that should be a true proving ground for doctors… trauma centers…

There are many factors to take into consideration when dealing with issues like this… not one diagnosis will fit all… my body was beaten into neuropathy for 18 years… what I deal with is the end result of domestic violence… not anything I was born with…

So if your issues are natural, not the result of accidents or beatings… your symptoms will likely be different or have other issues related to them…

Best thing anyone can do when dealing with these problems and no diagnosis yet… document… via your Iphone with voice memos or video… or keep a diary… but document what happens, what it was like hours before, what you did, what you ate, what you drank… anything can be a trigger for the spasms that come with the autonomic side of your internal organs…

I listened, I had a small bowel being strangled by adhesions and I could feel it happening… the military denied me health care and pushed me out… I was in emergency surgery in less than a year after dishcarge…. the doctor said I was close to rupturing my bowel, which would have killed me with infection…. that is the Air Force at work… and the letter of denial to get care is also in my records…. got to give it to the men… they left me such a good paper trail I won, 100% service connected from the Veterans administration… so for that, I thank the stupid college educated morons that covered up rape and attempted murder and tried to kill me in the process… you loose, I won… they are dead and I am alive… that is a fact… I checked the obituaries… okay, so I am a little warped… wouldn’t you be…lol….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember….

PTSD and Trust… do not go together in our world…

PTSD… it has many meanings and symptoms… a very diverse subject that I think the mental health gets wrong more often than they get right… I am a prime example of that… psych test done 1982, for a board discharge… paper test, no EEG, no brain scan of any kind… just ONE psychological test I have taken a half-dozen times… and each one different and the last one in 2011…. PTSD… One doctor, from 1982 to 2011… One doctor got it right… 

Now if that doesn’t tell you the military and VA have no clue how to interpret psychology testing…. well then, I have a bridge in the pacific for sell…it goes no place and starts no place… and that is mental health in the VA and military…it goes no where and it helps no one and veterans end up dead… that is a FACT!!!

It took me a long time to get the religion out of my head, heart, soul and body… all the while, I trust, and I take chances and I get burned… Mother, father, brother, sister… cousin or friend, even husband… trust was destroyed a little at a time to the point… Trust is not part of my vocabulary…. Makes for a more solitary life, but then… you don’t have to worry about that knife being planted in your back either… Which I took out of my back yesterday and it feels much better today….

After so much physical and psychological damage done to me as a person and veteran… I have no reason to trust anyone, including my husband… yea I get it, that shouldn’t be that way… then you haven’t read the blog and are making assumptions and you know what they say about that word…. ASS…….

Will I ever trust people again… NO… I have no reason to… No human on this planet has done anything for me, that made me want to live in this world… only one person has made that possible…

ME…. I trust me, I believe in me and as for the rest of humanity… well, it’s their brains, their lives and them making assumptions about what anyone else thinks or believes…  I will keep that circle of trust down to one…

Me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…

Trust your Instincts…

I have relied on my instincts since I first figured out what they were and by the time I hit 14 years old and had multiple TBI’s, trust was the last thing on radar… Survival was…

I get most people will have full knowledge of their injuries and will have a supportive family or friends to make that journey…

I had no such luck with my immediate family or what they call extended family and dad’s family is massive and 100% messed up… old school, rape, beatings, abuse and do it while going to a baptist church… and the catholics think they are the only ones to suffer abuse… not in my world…

Yesterday I found a cousin had my sister, mother and other family members as friends on face book, then she is friends with other cousins… and for the longest time, someone had been dumping anything and everything that would trigger a reaction out of me and they were getting one daily, a reaction that is…

Well I couldn’t eliminate one cousin and not get rid of all, so I got rid of all and low and behold and I get up this morning and NOT ONE thing is posted on face book that is upsetting to a veteran suffering PTSD… NOT ONE THING!!! Speaks volumes for the people I eliminated off face book yesterday… sure Americans support veterans… they call themselves christians or good people??? REALLY??? wow… 

Very nice to start the day with zero baggage that is being shoved in my face on line, except for the physical pain that is always a companion…

Sometimes you do not want to listen to your instincts… but just like dogs who can always tell good from bad… so trust your gut… listen to it… I have a feeling the rest of my year on-line will be much quieter….

Told you, bullies and liars, always give themselves away… always… and self-righteous bigots called christians, do it with a neon sign… it just took me longer to see pass the blinking rhetoric of bull shit…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Digestive Autonomic Neuropathy Issues….

There are a great many things in my family that are genetic… only because the ancestry my mother comes from… lots of European royalty…. and they had lots of health issues, because of lack of diversity in the DNA…. what has this to do with digestive neuropathy…??? The issues I have are not genetic….

Back in the day, when active duty… they told me I had IBS (irritable bowl syndrome), they didn’t catch the sliding stomach hernia until a year after discharge, so it got connected to military only because… H. Pylori, a parasite that lives in the stomach lining  and can survive the acid down there… and our surgical gloves were defective and I got sick and another airman got hepatitis…they took a stomach biopsy and found the parasite…

What no one knew but me, I had extensive central nervous damage and it took me from 1978 till now to prove it… now we know it is not IBS or GERD or anything like that… it is autonomic… meaning the nerves that control my stomach, esophagus, heart, lungs, etc… are so damaged, it could potentially kill me…. and there are times, just like 15 mins ago, eating dinner and the pain went off the chart and the stomach refused to process the food as it was entering and the esophagus started spasms…. and that is just the beginning… then it feels like someone just stuck their hand up under the rib cage and started squeezing the whole digestive tract… it’s not fun and it is very painful…. and I have come close to strangling on food, because this happened, just as I was swallowing… that incident was in 2009 and I never forgot that moment in time… 

Because of that experience… I have tried various methods to eat, chew more, swallow more, drink more fluid and nothing I do makes any difference… it just all depends on how irritated the central nervous system is and that will be how bad it will hurt… and after working on the flooring today, I would say my body is telling me I did too much…

Lesson learned… tomorrow, slower and no bending over after eating for at least a half hour… you do learn tricks to keep it manageable… there are drugs… but I like living and most meds and I do not get along… they make me suicidal, because of how they impact the brain and the TBI… and they thought I was nuts when I said that about meds… I didn’t know about the TBI… but I knew how meds impacted me and I listened to me… not the college educated…. not everything in medicine can be learned in books… just ask patients like me….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…

DNA results rule out many diseases…

Mike & I both have had DNA testing done… We did ours about 10 years ago… when it became affordable… At the time 23andMe was unable to give us health information until they won in court… Once they did, we started getting information on both of us…

What was interesting… We both have had this done by the medical side also and they results were the same… yes the medical side is more detailed and can be more specific, with more detailed information….

That is why I know that Parkinson’s was ruled out, not in my DNA… MS, ruled out by Oregon VA, mood disorder, ruled out by PTSD diagnosis in 2011 by El Paso VA and just in the last few months the doctor here tested me for everything under the sun, that has to do with neurological illness’ that I could get by genetics or exposure to the environment…

All those issues have been ruled out… except seizures officially, though we know 24 years of marriage, never had a seizure… and that is what the Neuro doc wants to see me about and the MRI is to look for lesions, plaque or blood clots… Doesn’t mean they will find anything… just means, they have to rule the stuff out, before they accept my story… and since the U. S. Air Force is with-holding evidence… this is the last thing for me to prove…

We know the neuropathy, which is why the DNA testing by the doctor here, all illness ruled out… and we know I have all my medical records, except Big Springs, Texas… the information the government is hiding… all my records show, I never was in a car accident, never beaten up AFTER the age of 18 and I never hurt myself, that required medical treatment… so what does all this mean…

Domestic violence is the conclusion I have… Multiple TBI’s and TBIs are considered mild to severe and can be from as simple as shaken baby syndrome to concussion to traumatic injury…. as for the body… well mine was beaten so often by so many people in the Bagwell, Cooper family… it’s like I said… I am lucky I can wipe my ass, and that is a fact…

So where do I go from here… well, not too sure… I know I have some PTSD to still deal with… the memory thing will wait till we get home and there will be no more talk about memories… just conversation about how all this impacted a child, whose only mistake… tell the truth in a christian household… yep, that be the gist of it…

Should be an interesting ride from here on out… I got all there was to get from the family, now they can all watch from the outside… but then again… I am really considering changing things up and that could mean new website, new title, new approach…

Guess you’ll just have to wait and see… I still have another 230 feet of floor to lay tomorrow… I am sore already and hubby, he’s laid back with threat of harm if he moves… he did too much today… time will tell or maybe I will… ya just never know….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Time to move on…

Enough of the dreams and memories… the ones that were tagging along have been busted and now the cat is out of the bag…

Now is the time to get into the PTSD issues, TBI issues and Neuropathy issues…

As for the family… I hope you have what ever kind of holiday celebration that makes you feel as important as Trump… my ears no longer burn and my soul is free of what you think is family….

I will be watching the obituaries….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Trust Violated… so over stupid…

Nothing new here… Trust is something people think is not tangible… but it is so very much tangible and it can be binding and you know if someone has your back… Those of us in uniform know this very well… without that trust… you will be dead… because you NEED to rely on the person next to you, your life may depend on it…

So I threw a little trust out there… did that when we lived in Mena, and I saw straight up how trust was handled, manipulated, played with then tossed in the garbage… well that is what a couple of cousins did on face book and face book screwed up or I had a weird connection, but I got to see the cousins friends list, which had been out of view and there it be… the sister that raped my child… and other toxic family members…

Needless to say… the cousins are no longer friends on face book… either they didn’t read the blog, or they read it and thought I was lying… who knows and frankly, I don’t give a rats ass… I knew I had been trolled on-line for a few months now… today, I got my answer… Christians sticking together and abuse victims thinking they have a say in the abuse I am enduring….at their hands…. you really can not fix stupid… I tried… it just doesn’t want to be fixed… True story….

Life doesn’t work the way we want when we set out to deceive… My face book page is public, so there was no need to troll… the blog is public, so there is no need to troll… yet the family is doing just that and the memory they don’t want to be known… is already written and has a chapter all its own…. put that in your pipe and smoke it ladies….

When I write on-line… I am not going to give you real names, or times or dates… or even places…. the only place that makes any difference to me is Big Springs, Texas and that’s because the government has sealed the records and I am fighting for transparency, which only happens in political speeches… they close those doors the minute they are elected… so liars is what we have in congress, including the ones that just got elected… they are already hedging how to deal with the corrupt president and GOP… go figure…

Not much different when dealing with family… It was fun the last couple years… little hints the family dropped was all I needed… I just kept them around in case there was something I wasn’t aware of… and nope, I know more than they do, when it comes to specific things that happened in Bonita….

Well the day has started and we have 500 sq ft of pergo flooring to put down and we so hope to be done by tomorrow… lots of left overs to feed us… and lots of aspirin for the bruises and bang ups that will happen… we both have issues with our bodies… called old age….

Have a beautiful day, my soul feels lighter by dumping the family that thinks my lil sis is peachy… I call her a rapist…. Have a nice life cousins… I will pass… I quit playing games at 6 years old after the first brain injury… I grew up and never looked back…. you might try it… its fun…. being an adult… why??? Because you get to own your world… not hide from it…. BOO!!! lol….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Many faces of PTSD….

With a TBI, in my case, with so much of my youth stolen by TBI’s… you are already trying to figure out who you are, values, ethics, morales…. kick in some puberty that was delayed till I was 16 1/2…. and the Air Force giving me menopause at 25…. I never stood a chance against any type of mental illness, let alone PTSD for something I had no memory of… I found I understood people who are bi-polar (split personality)… I could relate… because I had more than one face I gave the world, including my own….I never saw this….

cropped-imported-photos-00084-e1513228796738

This picture personifies when as a person, I quit dressing up, quit wearing make up and withdrew from the world… a little at a time… because I was being hunted by PTSD and its many faces I gave the world…

Wife, Mother, Airman, Friend, Daughter, Grandmother… giving all a different face that was not me… but it was the PTSD…

The mood disorder the Air Force tried to put on me, almost did me under… until I took a IQ test and the brain started fighting back against the many faces of PTSD… Paper test, no EEG… just a paper test and they tried so hard to destroy me… because I knew the truth about the rapes, attempted murder and the cover up…. most involved are now dead…

Sad isn’t it… I couldn’t raise my voice because of people like Trump and christians….. and they are fighting me on the government records… transparency is only good for political fodder… FACT….

I can see as a child when the PTSD started, but it never took away my courage… and that is what bothered mom and dad the most… they could never break me… he is dead and she is wishing I was dead… her life time is coming to an end, and like he, she will be remembered for cruelty and barbaric behavior in the name of a christian god… that never did take my soul….

PTSD has many faces… mine have faded and only I remain…. the journey continues…

2014 May 14 - 16.11.26.89

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…..

Thankful Christians didn’t kill me…but not for lack of trying… true story…

I am thankful every morning I wake up… Thankful for the earth beneath my feet, it gives me a roof over my head… thankful for the food the earth provides, it fills my belly and thankful for the air I breath, so that I may live…. and most of all thankful that christians did not succeed in silencing my voice… but the President of the United States is sure trying….

Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad and right now… christians aren’t all that bad compared to the man in the white house…. but then again… he acts just like them…

I am thankful for Hawaii, the home that gave me back my memories and my life… I am thankful for the pesky roosters next door, that made me get into a routine for a good healthy sleep pattern that helped me unlock the memories of my past….

I am thankful I got to experience motherhood… though it was not on my radar as a young adult… I took the action and accepted the responsibility that came with making life… I did the best job I could, with the skills I had at that time… and they are alive and thriving… 

I am thankful for the health care I have gotten on Hawaii, which is something I have fought for since active duty in 1977 and I am finally getting my answers, because those involved with the cover ups… are dead…. and the dead can’t keep secrets, when the living is the secret….

I am thankful for the few people I allow into my world, who have supported me on this journey of discovery… hoping I am not hurting anyone in the process… the story is about only one person… ME… if you take offense… seek professional help… the story is not about you….

Most of all I am thankful for the universe… as we are all made of star-dust… without super nova’s… humans would not exist… now why do you think you need to take vitamins and mineral supplements??? our body is from the stars… and for that…

I thank the universe for giving me a chance to live life…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Margie’s History will Evolve…

Reading psychology is not one of my favorite subjects, unless I am reading case histories… and it’s not all that confusing… but, always that little word… the variables are I think moderate… in other words, I get why people go into mental health fields… most of the issues they deal with are repeated throughout society and ethnic groups and you can affectively treat people with that kind of knowledge and background… and then someone like me comes along….

I was born self-aware, though the first 4 years are weird in memories except the Kodak moment…. Was I intelligent… I have no real clue… first head injury around 6… five more after that age… IQ tests says yes… but I am the one living in this brain and believe me there are days I know my brain is in the twilight zone and its a comfortable pad to crash in and dangerous place to stay in….yet I know I had a mouth… I had a come back most times that usually got me into trouble… only because I forgot the last beating for having a smart ass remark… words they cause such pain to adults when they come from children??? 

My story will evolve… I will prove myself right more than I will prove myself wrong… but I will own being wrong… that is how I live…. I know that as I remember more of my past that was stolen… I will have only myself to rely on for authenticating the memory… the family is silent… so afraid of the past and what my future may hold… the book….

I am pushing everything out of me that has to do with the facade I wore for 63 years… we celebrate Nov 7 as my new birthday… the day my memory of Texas came back and it plays before my eyes as I am beaten unconscious by my parent…..

Freaked a little, yes… not knowing what is going on inside my brain and if the pain I have felt all these decades is related to an injury that may or may not be viewable, the wait is driving me batty….. I have waited since 1968…. a few more months shouldn’t be too bad… and I go, okay tell yourself that as the one behind your right eye starts up… pin ball headaches, had them since 1968…. thank you mommy & daddy….

As I remember more or put it into perspective, the narrative will change… I hope for the better… getting away from the family part of it and getting to the part of taking the mask off PTSD and my TBIs….

I have hope… always hope…

May your Thanksgiving be filled with family and friends or solitude… what ever makes the day on the calendar special for you and yours…. we will be laying new floor in preparation of our move home next year… always busy, slower, but busy…

TimesUp #MeTo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Thankful for Margie…. I still have hope…

For as long as I can remember, I have hated the name Margaret… only because in my heart, I knew I had been betrayed by the very people I should have been able to trust… Mom & dad and they were proud of that name they gave me… then the nick names came and the one that stuck… Margie…

Margie was born into a christian family in the Air Force… both parents with only grade school education, but, they were anything but stupid… they became known to me as the best con’s on the planet and they taught me how to spot one a mile away… Trump I pegged decades ago…

The weirdest of the repressed memories to come forward are from the time before I was four years old… and very hard to understand, due to the age at that time… the one memory that always stuck out like a Kodak moment… the old fashion hair brush hitting me for having my hands on the TV screen… I was only 18 months old… and I wish you could have seen the expression on my mothers face when I described the story and her comment, the brush was a gift from her dad… and I said, than, you should have never hit a baby with it… and she turned white… she knew in that moment, I had edetic memory ability and it scared her… because her following behavior over the next few years told me all I needed to know, before we moved away from that area… read the blog, we were there off and on from 03 to 10…

Her questions about the past, her suggestive comments… all giving me more fodder for the bread crumb trail… and when I stood in her kitchen and used my ability and said… I am missing memory… that was when I knew I had been right all along… they murdered Margie in Big Springs, Texas…. Severe TBI… and no one told me… and I asked… 2010, I asked… Mother, Tiny, Sis & Bro… no one talking… very large sigh on that one… wow… and they call themselves christians… I will never not hate religion…. it is cowardice at its best…

Margie push’s on… not giving into the depression… working diligently to change the reaction in the brain from the old habits caused by brain damage… growing every day, marveling in life and enjoying its simple pleasures… all denied because of secrets… till now…

Most people know they have a TBI… I have never been officially told… I have fought for a long time to get the evidence from the United States government… but like all things current… it is not about the American people… it is about image… just look at Trump…

The one thing none of them can stop… hypnosis… and I have great hope that the MRI shows zero damage, no lesions, no clots, no dead tissue, no aneurism, no cancer… DNA testing ruled out Parkinson and MS was ruled out a long time ago in 2000…. and dementia… only when I smoke the pot… true story…. that is when I forget things…temporarily….

This thanksgiving is such a change from last years… last year I had a Bagwell and Cooper family… now all I have is my Peterson family…. okay not all sad, I got a couple of goofy cousins who are having too much fun watching the show to kick them out… honest… besides, I like the warped sense of humor they have…

Sad, a little… but you can not miss what you never had… and Margie…. she was always there, holding my hand… through every rape, beating and abuse in the guise of government and religion and paternal love….

I, just like you have hopes and dreams… mine is very simple and basic… having the love and respect of my family… We can’t all live our dreams and hopes… and that is why….

This thanksgiving I am thankful for Margie… she saved me… when everyone else wanted me gone, just so the secrets of the past would stay buried…. only one problem….

I Remember….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Dream of Dreams…. depression is sneaky..

Ever be sound to sleep and you have a dream inside a dream??? It is unnerving when it happens, it is as if you are having an out-of-body experience and you are on the sidelines eating popcorn and watching the show….

Every day I get out of bed and my TMJ is not tight and my shoulders are not tight and hunched forward, and my body feels like it really got sleep… tells me I am making progress…

Always on my guard, depression I have noticed can take you by surprise and when it does… you really cannot ignore it, confronting it and understanding it, well for me, that is what makes IT go away… I quit running from the past, now I am running towards it and embracing every ugly second of it that my memory holds, just so I can finally say, what, I have no clue…

Will it ever truly ever be over… how do you learn to love, how do you learn to grow and be the person you are supposed to be, when someone takes your soul from you and steals your body for their use…. because it was all about them and you were just a tool… and an excuse, an after thought for their enjoyment and pleasure…. a cover for their sins or my favorite, can’t keep their legs crossed… Chastity belts sound ridiculous, but there are some men and women who should totally wear them… Trump, Kavanaugh and Thomas come to mind….

Rape and domestic violence is theft of property, because the thief wanted control over you and when that fails… well, lets put it this way, if my family was truly intelligent… they would really listen to the WORDS and understand the MEANING of those words when they come out of mothers mouth…. if they did that, they would see the pattern of mental illness and abuse… but, as I giggle, will never happen… you have to be in reality and they are christians… reality has no part of living for them…

Between fighting my own government for Don’s (dad) mental health records and the OSI investigation and not getting one honest word from the Bagwell & Cooper clan…

I can only hope the last laugh is on them and that the MRI shows zero brain damage and once I am put under hypnosis… the dirty secrets of the Bagwell & Cooper clan will come into full view… they must be real scared of the past to want to block me from getting my answers… these people are living and refuse to talk… now that is what I call a true christian….

Cowards…. a hunting we will go….  a hunting we will… high ho the dairy oh, a hunting we will go…….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

 

Fighting the Feds…

It is not unusual to hit brick walls when trying to get government records… the only record that the government is keeping out of my little sticky fingers….

Don’s psychiatric records and the subsequent investigation done by the OSI (Office of special Investigations) most the times these people just had glorified titles… but it is an issue I have hit before… and if  sealed and classified, well … there is a way and it is an avenue I will pursue upon our move back to Washington state next year and we get settled…. Don’t like getting lawyers involved, they are spendy… just depends if getting those records could change anything… again… time is on my side, I think… 

I have gotten everything else I asked for on Don (dad) since he is deceased… but I am finding the U. S. government doesn’t like you poking into mental health records… skeletons have a tendency to come out at the most inconvenient time…

I can only hope…. But that is where I am at on his psych records… I know how to do stuff, but with no real internet at our house and the hot spot so expensive… again, I think time is on my side… and pursue those records through the court if necessary… 

Hope the MRI is negative for blood clots or lesions or any other issue I haven’t thought of… I like this goofy person that has come out to play… hate to lose it to a clot or stroke or cancer….  But, Agent orange, always in the back of my mind… Always…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

MRI News…

Positive news today, call from the company taking care of our area for health care… and this lady was beyond sweet and helpful and a delight to talk too… and of course, I was wishing we were texting, so if I went off track, I can edit with text, I can’t with my mouth… and I did, go off track and shared more than I should have… but what is weird, I could feel the chemical reaction that was triggering the motor mouth… and again… it is related to TBI, the right lobe, Big Spring, Texas… 

TBI’s and so far we have counted 6 TBI’s… Age 6, 8, 13, 14, 17, the baseball at age 9 is the only one that was not domestic violence…

So excited… the MRI is getting scheduled… hope its an open MRI, I remember the one at Spokane VA and they sent me home so I could be drugged for it, I panicked and that is one PTSD moment I want to get my hands on… I have seen parts of the repressed memomry and I get what makes me panic in confined spaces… I just want the whole memory and understand the why…

Wrote before and If I didn’t, before the age of 14, I was not claustrophobic… so between the near death in Texas at 13 and the assault after we get to Japan at 14, I think… again, it is normal to not be able to pin down the time frame… with the weird memory ability I have, it’s just getting the chaos settled and putting the puzzle together… That is a memory sis is worried about and I not real sure why…

So, points for the company taking care of vets on Hawaii… they got the ball rolling under 30 days… 3 weeks is still long, but I learned a very long time ago with being connected to the military and VA my whole life,  it gives me a unique perspective… I tried private health care for a few years… before I couldn’t work anymore, so this is what I get… hurry and wait… but squeal, excited… it’s started, the final phase of getting answers…

The Brain MRI…. hope they let me geek out… squeal…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Healing comes in layers, over time….

Watching the Donna Rice interview, and what she said was profound…. Healing comes in layers, and she is so very right about that….

The physical part of my trauma, some healed decades ago, blunt force trauma fractures… all the other injuries will never heal, only because I was not taken in for medical care… domestic violence only involves health care, when the person beaten is near death and even then… they will go to extremes to hide the abuse…. always about image and not life… definition of christians… other wise, why brain wash a child??? and when that child takes a destructive course you can say, but I showed it god…. REALLY??? 

The psychological part of the healing… that I think is a personal choice and one the mental health people can not help with… because, it is about choice and only one person should make choices for your life and that is you…. but christians think they own you… so just get some ropes of garlic and get a witch to curse some water and sprinkle and hang the protection and you are good to go…. okay, warped humor, I like it….

The damage done to me as a person when I was a child, if you don’t remember it, how can you hate the ones involved???

I didn’t until they started lying to me and trying to manipulate me… and when mommy dearest moved the family within 6 hours drive from me, alarm bells never sounded… I didn’t remember… she pulled the family away from all the family in California??? Now you get it… and moves the whole family to a little red neck town that has no viable employment??? oh, there was a jean factory, but it closed shortly after they moved there… anyway, it was a thought Mike and I discussed and highly speculative, until you know the things I said to mother after the birth of my son and when I called the base police on them at Mather… you could see it in her eyes… you are going to pay…

It is an avenue I could use for the book, very warped and twisted… so something of mom and dad must have rubbed off on me… my brain is already playing with the idea for the book….. an a shit eating grin comes to my face… I like this part of me…. Margie…

That little minx is going to so get me into trouble… we told our kids if we move back to Omak, every one is fair game… and the memories of good times their flood in… I would love to have all my kids near me… but life doesn’t work the way we want and the boys are independent and have never had much need for mother since they left home and I accept that… it is life…

Will I ever truly heal from what was done in the name of god and domestic violence… Maybe… not every waking moment is focused on this story… I am living life, not watching it go by, speculating about what I have no control over…..

Most humans have brains and use them… That is all I ever could ask for with my kids and family… those that choose to blame me for everything, are trying to control my life, so they have someone to blame, instead of owning their lives…… those that are living life and want to be a part of mine… will grow until the death-bed… always about choice… always…. 

Healing will come over time… It will not happen fast, because the past is vivid and very much a part of who I am and I am angry and sad… 

My friend that I have known since I was 16, says I have always been honest and forthright… and my husband of 24 years will tell you the same… and I have said it for decades to anyone that will listen… “Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do”…

I don’t get even, I just do not allow you in the door of my heart or world… you may come in the physical door and be greeted with hugs and love… but you will never be trusted…. only because you lied to me… again, you choose to lie…

And, I caught you doing it…. trust is earned and when YOU destroy that trust… It will take you a lifetime to earn it again… Ask Mike, he walked out the door in 2010 and that trust was destroyed… he has yet to earn it back, fully…. always about choice… and trust is the most important one in my personal bible… Mike thinks I am worth it…. Most of you do not, because you took my trust with you and destroyed it…. 

It is your loss, not mine… My world has always been complete, because I believe in me, my best friend, the one who never betrayed my trust….

Always about choices and Trust…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Pushing the Boundary….

Last night, long before bed, in between the Dancers on the TV show, my brain latched on to some depression and it wanted all my attention, but I had other ideas and took that depression and beat the crap out of it…

When PTSD has ruled your world for at least 58 years, everything becomes integrated into you, all the bad habits, angst that goes with it… and you want to talk about trying to break habits that are that many years old…. ugh!!!

I really wanted to walk away from this writing and sew my world back up and turn the lights off… no one is home, leave me alone, go away… I hate everyone attitude…. yep I was their last night… so the depression sneaks in when your guard is down and mine was down….

After I bitch slapped myself back into reality, I enjoyed the rest of the dancing with the stars and went to bed and the ole brain says, nope… we going to think… double ugh, I wanted sleep… but I made myself face the depression that tried to come in the back door and dealt with it and I woke up feeling better about the day, not dreading it…

Ya know you are screwed when you start talking to yourself and when you answer, you get into an argument with yourself…. yep humans have evolved alright…. right into the loony bin….

I knew from what mental health here told me and what I had read… it could take years and even then, I may not be fully recovered from the trauma I went through as a kid… 18 years of beatings and having your head used as a punching bag… it does amaze me I can wipe my own ass…

My brain is making more progress than I thought possible in such a short time… I just keep fighting myself and that is when I have to choose, Margie or Maggi… and Margie has been winning… talk about being taken out of your comfort zone… I feel like I am in the middle of a cactus patch and nowhere to go, trapped… just a little frustrating…

Most everything I ever knew about my youth, I have remembered… and that is why I think I have permanent damage to the brain and one tiny little section, took some very important information… and again no one is talking, because they be afraid of me…. BOO… geez… that afraid of the past???

I will get there, every day I wake up… means I have a chance of getting there… as long as I have hope, I can achieve anything….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…. Margie….

Blame Game… TBI & PTSD… all they had to do is own it…

This has bugged me for a while and just maybe if I put it in writing, the thought will leave me alone… because there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it… this is and was totally out of my control… but I did have my say….

Memory issues will or will not be a problem for anyone with PTSD & TBI… The reason the mental health gets it wrong… they go by the book and when you look at a person who has these issues… guess what… you are NOT reading a book, you are learning about a person with issues… big difference… a book never changes its story… TBI & PTSD patients do… and they do it knowingly, but can not stop it….

Chaos is part of the process to recovery… when it started last Nov 7, 2017, the chaos was over whelming to the point I was ready to start drinking alcohol, just to numb the brain… instead I turned to marijuana, which acted like a mild sedative that calmed the chaos and allowed me to sort through everything I was remembering about my first 18 years of life under the rule of christians, the Air Force and domestic violence….

I am not fully there yet, where there is zero chaos, but it is within reach… now the part about the blame game…

Anyone who has had a TBI and loss time, and I mean you have zero memory of the event… will understand these next words…

I never hated mother, dad, brother or sister…. until… they lied to me… Until they deliberately set out to hide the truth from me… that is what I built my anger on… I took my hate and disgust for christians and built upon the actions of these people and the rest of the family that participated… Aunt Tiny, who is living and not talking… Mother who is living and not talking… Sister who is living and not talking… Brother who is living and you got it, not talking… but they want me to save my soul!!! For real, got a letter from brother about saving my soul??? Holy crap on a cracker, I nearly peed my panties laughing so hard on that… save my soul from what… THEM???

Even now I have no animosity towards any of them for anything they did while I was growing up…

Thanks to them directly lying to me, stealing from me, cheating me and debasing me… Now they have the full brunt of my hate, disgust and total and complete lack of desire to even get to know them…

I have said this one statement, for as long as I can remember….

Lying to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do… it takes you out of my world, because you disrespected my world… by lying to me….

Trust is earned, not given… and frankly between the ones I mentioned and my own children… good luck with getting me to believe one word that leaves your lips… The people that want to be a part of my world and journey are… the ones that want to bash me are exactly where they belong… on the outside looking in….

All they ever had to do, is own their behavior… own their lives and what they did to me… and they couldn’t… but their god will forgive them… I never will….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

One hell of a day for headaches…

Dependent gets CT before Vet gets MRI…

Hubby and I had a bet going and we both knew I would win… His doctor he saw a week ago wants a CT of his blood clot…

My doctor called 3 weeks ago and the Neuro wants a MRI of my brain… 

Well the hospital just called and hubby gets his appointment before this veteran gets hers… and guess what, hubby is my dependent…

Before Trump took office, I could expect a prompt and quick time frame for any tests or doctors appointment… Since Trump and the corrupt GOP took over, I wait over 45 days for tests and over 3 months for appointments…

Yea, Sure veterans support this bastard… ooops sorry, president…. NOT!!!

Anyway… 3 weeks and counting for MRI and I asked for dental surgery in May and not one word… 100% service connected disabled veteran… Priority 1… more like an old fashion 69 if you ask me…

So proud I wore that uniform so I could be treated like a foreign citizen… oh wait, isn’t that what Mrs. Trump used to be and she got prompt care and hospital stay after a minor procedure and I had to get on a plane 6 hours after major surgery in Feb of this year!!!

Yep, vets support this administration in the twilight zone…

Rant over…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD & TBI Comfort Zone, is the Twilight Zone…

When I pushed to get hubby tested last year, I knew something was way wrong… If it wasn’t him… it was me… so now we joke, I got him tested… but it was so important at that moment in time last summer… because I knew… something was about to happen….

It wasn’t but a few weeks after we got Mikes test results that the shooter on Nov 5, 2017 killed 26 people in a town in Texas… 2 days later, Margie started talking and the rest is in all these blogs… that thought just left me weak… wow…

I have had friends who had mental illness, schizophrenia, bi-polar (split personality), depression and just mental illness…. and I could relate to each and every one of them… because I was living it… the bi-polar especially… only because Margie had been fighting Maggi for decades to be heard… and once her voice was no longer silent… it has been an interesting road trip going through my past….

If you take thyroid med, you might have a clue what I am talking about… if your dosage isn’t right you will either be over the top with hormones and if you are a woman, they will blame menopause… and if you aren’t getting enough hormone, your brain is in confusion at varying degrees… I know, experienced it this morning… the med had worn off and not built up in my system yet… new dosage…

Or another good example if you smoke pot… you get one strain that is so strong, you lose all track of time or anything you did, and you don’t remember doing things… that is what PTSD & TBI do to me…

It’s not as bad as it used to be… now, headache, and I associate that with what ever happens during that time, I am aware and able to maintain the focus, that wasn’t there before… because of the PTSD & TBI…

You never get pass the TBI if you have permanent memory loss, which until I get the MRI done, which will be when the VA gets off their ass, 3 weeks and counting… or if the Neuro does more tests… I just don’t have those answers yet…. I may get them before I see the doctor on my own, and I may not… this is when you need the college educated… they did pass tests…

I know from what I have learned, some symptoms related to TBI may never go away, because after all the brain, the most important muscle we have… was damaged… and it takes time for it to rewire and compensate for the damage…

I made a comment to a doctor before about how I could feel things going on in my body and brain and you would have thought I was a UNICORN… the look they gave me… then in the last few years, science says people who have sustained damage like I did, to the brain and body… can feel everything going on inside them… my current doc thought I was nuts too…  now she listens… maybe not hear… but she is learning….

The brain, the best toy nature ever gave a sentient being… and add a shaker of believing in yourself, well, lets just say, the past is finally becoming the past…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

 

Remembering War…

On Okinawa, I was at the age, I dated who I wanted… and I never had any interest in kids my age, I went for the GI… the dude in uniform, Army, Marines, Navy & Air Force… they could afford to wine and dine this kid… and most of it was harmless fun and guys who just wanted to sit and talk with a kid, that reminded them of home and the ones they left behind and may never see again…

The one thing I never understood, but accepted… the guys told me stories of their time on Nam… which is what we all called it…

One kid was a tunnel rat, he was the first to enter one of the many tunnels, that usually held death… just the way he told the story and how he got lost in the memory was telling…

Some of them were foot soldiers, some in maintenance and were at DaNang… Jim Yettman is one that comes to mind when it comes to DaNang… the depot for Agent Orange… watched dad die from it and we lost 2 very dear friends in the last 10 years to it as well…. and the thought flash’s before my eyes…

They sprayed Naha and all the bases on Okinawa with Agent Orange… how many will die, not knowing that was the cause…??? Our government at work, protecting the image, my whole story has been about image and the U.S. image has been exposed thanks to Trump… 

I dated many guys on Okinawa, during those 2 years we were there… and I heard many stories of their families, wives, sisters and moms…. and I heard their dreams….

These few young men, taught me, how a woman should be treated… they were the best big brothers a girl could ask for… I hope they had the lives they wanted….

Now we watch as more men and women are going to war, a war that we can not win… just like Vietnam….

On week 3, waiting for just a call to even schedule the brain MRI… Vets are dying and we are sending more off to war… for WHAT??? So the rich can get richer???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

PTSD and why Mental Health gets it wrong…

The more I understand this PTSD diagnosis, the more I can see when it started for me as a person and when the symptoms kicked in… I would have to say, by the time the boob incident in Alabama… I have had this PTSD since around 8 years old… and I have been seen by 6+ shrinks and mental health workers in the dozens…. and none of them had a clue… not one…

Then I had an appeal going on with the VA and underwent a psych eval in 2010/11 and when I got a copy of the results… PTSD related to my illness… Keep in mind in 2010 I confronted mother over the missing memory and she gave me my answer… she refused to discuss what she had done to a little girl, because she was embarrassed over children being children and her inability to be adult… in fact, she never became an adult… just a consummate act her and Don started and never stopped….

Ya know, when the VA did not bother to get hold of me and ask me If I wanted counseling speaks volumes for the VA system and the fact I worked hard to get the hospital director fired and made many enemies in the doctors at that facility… and yep, the dude was fired… but not before they gave out my Social Security number…. sigh… credit monitoring is not cheap!!!

Regardless of what I rant about… The VA and military have no clue how to really help veterans with PTSD, let alone diagnosis them correctly…. all they know how to do is give us drugs… and thankfully, that is not part of my recovery… the drugs were dumped in 96 and the last of them in 2003… I take what is necessary for medical conditions, not speculative bull shit the doctors don’t understand…..

It is no wonder so many veterans take their lives, when you can’t get the health care system to listen and when it comes to the VA… I have 800 pages of 3rd party rhetoric in my medical records from VA employees… that has zero to do with my health care… just their opinions???? Seriously, I have read all the pages and there is more bull shit in my file than there is medical information… no wonder vets are dying!!! and frankly who gives a rats ass what federal employees think… they aren’t there for the vets… just the paycheck and private health care they lord over veterans…. FACT!!!

I am still very angry and I still have much work to do and I have no real say in what memories present themselves for me to open up… lately, what ever is trying to show itself is a doozy, because it is waking me up 3 hours before I normally get up… and it’s been consistent the last few nights… I so want some sleep…

When the memory does finally show its full self, that is when I go, REALLY??? You kept me a wake for that!!!

Anyone who has TBI & PTSD will tell you, 99% of the time, you will know the memory intimately, but buried it in self-preservation for what ever reason… and the more I see of that household… the more I realize….

Mom & Dad were and are bat shit crazy!!! What do you expect, they labeled themselves as christians…. their god made them do it????

Just WOW!!! I am hoping whatever memory is trying to come forward does it soon… this reminds me of what it was like, before 11/7/17…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

The ghost that woke me…

I love this time of year on Hawaii… wonderful trade winds, rain happens when the sun is shinning, clouds and most of all…. cooler weather, the kind where the AC stays off and the house open to all that nature gives….

Last night was a warm night and one that found me coming full awake and I was telling myself to knock it off… In other words the memory I have been pushing to see, is pushing back…

PTSD is the worse, when it comes to facing the demons of the past…. I can not speak for anyone who did combat, or auto accidents… I can only relate to my head being used a punching bag and one time they went to far and here we are… me trying to figure this mess out…

I have never had a dream as vivid as last night, it has bugged me all day and I have pushed myself to put my mind in another place and the memory push’s its way into my view….

I told Mike that I knew I had not remembered anything new… that all the memories that have come forward, where always there… I just took my skills and buried them, I just wished I had told myself what the damage would be by running from it, instead of into it… and by it, I mean the trauma I ran from for so many decades….

I can feel my guard coming down and the brain is just letting me in on more of the secrets that I simply forgot and now I have to figure out why I forgot them and what are they connected to… I love playing games and solving puzzles, but this is such a daunting task and then I remind myself… If I keep running, I will never finish….

Two points for last nights nightmare… It hit back… Maybe Feb the neuro doc can confirm I have permanent memory loss and I can finally say, time to move on… then Margie pokes me in the head and a headache comes on… yep, like I got a whole lot of say about this journey….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Unlikely friends….

Tired of the news, so watching unlikely animal friends and the thought struck me… if nature can co-exist, why can’t humans??? Easy…. Religion….

So very tired of hearing the rapist open his hole and talk trash about Americans, when the dude has no clue what being American means… then people, not many mind you, but still humans, out waving as the rapist drives by, just so he can trash the state for poor forest management…. REALLY???

Trump reminds me of my mother and father… liars, cheaters, thief’s, abusers, and most of all cons…. Like I said my cousins just gushed over my dad after he died… You really can not fix stupid… and when I made comments to dads siblings during the death watch, the expression on their faces was priceless… come to find out, we don’t discuss the skeletons in the closet, because if they do… I might remember… so no comments came from the peanut gallery… that whole couple of weeks is drama filled and a chapter on its own… and I remember it vividly 12 years later… and that was when I knew my siblings and mother were bat shit crazy… true story… because they argued over the sex of angels???…. lol, hundreds of laughing emoji faces…

I think what gets me the most… the cousins, and we all grew up poor, some have done well, others are still living in poverty and I would prefer to be friends with the have-nots, than the ones that have all… why… religion… are we friends, I will get back to you on that… I tread water, before I touch ground… metaphorically speaking…

I have people who say they are my friend… and we have zero in common and none of them knew any of my story… and yet do I truly knows theirs??? Guess you would have to ask them what they think, I haven’t done that, never crossed my mind… funny how that works, we don’t ask if we really want to know, so we speculate…

I knew after the Bay of Pigs, my life had changed because I had been friends with my sister, but when mom became embarrassed… I never had a real friend after that… not even in marriage… because if I did, he would know all and he does not… know one does… just me….

So I sit and watch a show about unlikely animal friends and know that I have walked through life with my best friend all along….

Me… they could take my religion, my sister and memory… but they could never take me from me… My best friend… the only one I could truly trust… as I said before… trust is earned, not given and once you violate my trust and disrespect me, you have to start all over and build upon that which YOU destroyed…. they were your actions, remember that….I never forgot… nor will I ever….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

 

PTSD Amnesia… bread crumb trail…

This whole story of Margie goes back to one issue only…. NO ONE ever told her what happened, but they sure had fun for decades dropping hints, all the way up till the time of Don’s (dad) death and when he was gone, she told me to butt out and believe you me, I TRIED!!!

When the shooter in Texas happened 11/5/17 and I started talking, all my little bread crumbs I had left myself all these years, started popping into my mind like popcorn and 12 months later, it’s still popping…

When the shrink at the El Paso VA wrote I had PTSD due to my illness I thought at that time in 2011, the dude was bat shit crazy… why would Fibromyalgia cause me mental issues…. then I started the magnesium to help me sleep, lots of life happened, many deaths… and 

I nearly lost Mike to a heart attack, but I caught his heart failure and his doctors took it from there… we move to Hawaii, this was the place he wanted for his resting spot and his heart comes back after so much trauma and now we want to go home and spoil our great grand-daughter and soon to be grand son….

But…. Not yet… the bread crumb trail isn’t finished and I need to be as close as I will ever get to being at peace with this before we go home and live life….

Fixing stuff for our dinner and the memory of the balance beam in high school hits… and I am living it, every second of that moment in time and I realize… that beam wasn’t even a couple of feet off the floor and I still couldn’t do it and the aha moment hits… Alabama, torn down building, I and other kids played on, with pylons, couldn’t have been more dangerous and 12 feet off the ground and I had no balance issues… something happened between Alabama and Japan…. and the memory unfolds…

Texas happened… the times my mother like telling the story of when Don got locked up in a psych ward… what she didn’t bother to tell in the rest of the story…. Her and dad, nearly killed me that night in Big Spring, Texas and that is when Margie died….

So many bread crumbs that have led me to Post Traumatic Stress Amnesia and Disorder… because an active duty member in the USAF, nearly killed his 13-year-old daughter and he tried again on Japan and one last time on Okinawa….

The doctor was close, I do not have fibromyalgia… I have peripheral neuropathy and autonomic neuropathy… my death sentence was handed to me at 6 years of age… because I told a host on a kids TV show my sister was not so special after all and I paid for that one statement, until now…..

So many bread crumbs that revealed the truth about the people I once called family…. and a military branch that was more concerned about image than life…. I know… it was mine they stole… and my childs….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Isolation under the spell of PTSD…

I have heard, from more than one veteran about the desire to isolate and not have contact with many if any people…

I started that road trip around 2000… four years after our road trip to Arkansas to see the family after 13 years apart… I spent 4 of those years on Japan….

I used to be out going, had parties all the time, people in and out my door… the extra bedroom usually occupied… that lasted from 1972 to 2000…. things began to change in my mind and people were just noise by the time 2000 got here…

I fight that desire to isolate again… I finally explained to my husband exactly what I was experiencing after a disturbing post on face book this morning….

At one time, I had lots of friends on FB and I pissed someone off at FB an they closed the page… so I opened a 2nd page, had half as many friends and again, pissed someone off at FB an they closed that page and that was June of 2017…. now hubby’s page they never messed with… just mine… and again.. I kept pointing out Russia and all the other crap, that Mark says he was unaware of??? REALLY???

Here comes Nov 5, 2017 and airman of the military kills 26 people and 2 days later I wake up… and by Thanksgiving, mommy dearest cuts her throat and finally I break free… by Jan 2018 I had a new face book page and I declined the majority of the friend request and I selected 24 people to be friends with, some blood, some grandkids, some acquaintances and some DNA relatives and a couple of cousins who are the least religious…. and I have kept that number under 25 for a reason…

People are more interested in brain candy on the internet than they actually care about people or animals… if it was different… I wouldn’t see so much violence from their posts… they see it as activism… but my brain sees it very differently… thus why I keep my friend list so small… I can block the majority of the stuff they share and see only things that I find not painful… and yet it still happens, because FB has problems with its program and it doesn’t work 75% of time correctly, at least from what I see….

I explain to Mike, I do not want to move, I do not want to give up the isolation and lack of human contact…. and I was dead serious…. and you could see he believed every word, because of his expression… he really wants to move home… and I had to explain the battle I just described above…

It is constant and never-ending desire to isolate… The PTSD does this insidious thing to the brain and makes you believe, alone is better, isolated is better, human contact is bad… that is what PTSD does to you… and it will make you want to hurt others if you have other issues related to the PTSD….

Just writing this blog, makes me get out of my cell and expose myself to human contact… 

Funny, I have had so few positive results from human contact… starting as a child….

PTSD a illness like no other, a pain greater than every heart beat and yet people say they support veterans…. yet they fail to understand the sacrafice that uniform really asks for…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Desensitized… is the norm in America…

We as people have become desensitized…. There are so many things on the internet, you can’t filter them all out… but on Face Book, you would think you could, but you can’t…

Sun Gazing is one web site I have tried blocking… Joan Weaver is another, which is religious cult crap… Sun Gazing seems to cover a variety of junk… and some of it not to pretty…

When you suffer TBI because of violence against your person, the world becomes viewed with eyes that people seem to think they have a right to blind…. add some PTSD and amnesia, and welcome to my waking hell and people are contributing to it… not helping…

I don’t know why certain things make me want to puke or bring up feelings of fear or dread or even remorse…

Interpreting what I am seeing is taxing to the extreme… you are always struggling to ensure it is reality and not a fantasy you created, so you could cope with the violence you were living…..

I asked the 24 people I am friends with on face book, to not post certain things… or just eliminate my ability to see their posts and I can go look at their page if I want… in other words, I have options… but when they post something that is abusive, violent to humans or animals… I run… I have no choice…

I am still healing and they are throwing hand grenades at my brain, so I have to heal from what they exposed me too and what I lived through… what happened to humanity???

The question you should Ask???  Why you think sharing violence of any kind on face book makes you human??? That is what I keep asking and that is why only 24 people are friends on face book… humanity left the building a very long time ago…. and that number 24 may just get smaller… 

My world, my choices… you made yours when you posted the violence….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Pin ball headaches…. & PTSD, TBI

Headaches are nothing new to me… I can remember standing outside my Aunt Tinys car, pounding my legs up and down before we get in it and being told it just growing pains…yet they knew… I had been beaten… and I remember I had a headache at the time…

This was one of her wedding’s or something I went along on… I remember granny being there and I think Betty…. funny how these memories come strolling along like today… it’s rainy, been pouring since last night… that was what it was like that day she got married… rainy…. I was less than 10 years old… haven’t been able to pin that memory down yet… which is normal on this kind of journey….

My headaches have certain behaviors… I have one kind of headache because of the Ankylosing Spondylytis in my neck from all the beatings, they threw me around like a rag doll, in fact, my body just jerked from a memory… sigh…. this headache is associated with the nerve damage in my neck, so that headache comes on, I know I need to do my PT exercises to build the muscle in my neck and the headache goes away….

The right, left, frontal lobes and occipital part of the brain, now that is Tommy playing his pin ball machine and when it starts… I never know what is going to happen…

My speech will be impacted, I won’t be able to articulate properly… my vision will be hit, one eye gets a kaleidoscope view and the other just gets a throbbing pain behind the eye… when the frontal comes on, you can tell if it is a tension or hunger headache or just pain, as for the back of the brain, impacts my body in ways that make me happy I can not get pregnant… 

The last few days the headaches have been there and annoying, but the scary part, I am losing weight fast again… but, I think that is thyroid related and the new dosage is tolerable so far, still need to be on it for a few more weeks to know for sure… and the weight loss should slow down, I am only 3 pounds from my 142 pre surgery weight… still have to get to the 135 mark for the issues I have with internal organs… if I keep losing pass that point… then it’s time to check my white count… agent orange will always be a threat, thanks to the Air Force spraying Naha AFB with the stuff and we lived there and we were exposed… so many were….

Yet, there is something different about the headaches… I don’t need to take aspirin for them and I usually can change what or how I am thinking and the headache sometimes melts away…. No clue if this is related to the repressed memories coming out and the PTSD losing its grip, I can’t answer…

I know that I am no way near the end of this journey, there are still some memories I can not see clearly or fully and those memories are very important to this journey… and there goes the right and left side just now in unison… ugh!!!

Neurology is only going to tell me what isn’t going on… they can rule out all the medical related junk… but when the brain is injured as much as mine was, they will never truly understand what I have experienced since the first remembered injury at 6…. that is 58 years of experience that no doctor can compare to… makes you wonder why they don’t listen???

The doctors are not going to be able to do anything to help me, except eliminate all the illness related to brain issues… and that has been done, what is left…

Brain injury due to repeated domestic violence for 18 years and the government did all they could to bury the truth…. just one little problem….

I Remembered…. something none of them expected… the brain, the best toy nature ever gave humans… and it beat those men in power… you can only hope the same happens to Trump and the corrupt congress we have…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

 

Religion, I will never not hate IT…

I will hever not hate religion…

I was innocent, until christians touched me…

Christians took my innocence and my sister…. IT can have the rest…

I will never NOT hate religion….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…  Margie….

Ethics Committee???

Breaking news and the ethics committee goes after a republican and democrat for sexual harassment??? Are you for real??? This investigation had to be going on during the Kavanaugh hearing…

Is this why Trump is president and the people sitting in congress and the ones in the supreme court…. accused of sexual harassment???

These people we elected????

A Christian CONGRESS????

That ladies and gentlemen is religion in America… lie, cheat, steal, rape and beat…. and you can become our leaders in Washington….

Now you get why our fore-fathers wanted separation of church and state… the enemy to all of humanity is now on the inside and destroying America, by raping, stealing, cheating, lying and beating their fellow Americans….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because christians would have murdered me… they nearly did…

I Remember… Margie….

No more dark thoughts….

It all keeps coming back to one thing…. No one told me about what happened to me…

When you live with depression but have no clue why you are depressed what the hell do you do???

I asked the shrinks, why am I depressed… they kept saying we don’t know, but we are going to give you drugs??? Typical military and VA behavior, dope us up and that way we don’t have to be treated… just medicated…. and people wonder why veterans die every day….

The depression set in after the boob incident and my relationship with my sister was never the same and that was because of mommy dearest, manipulating the weak-minded…

I know of sisters that are close, tell each other everything, share everything, keep in touch, affectionate, warm fuzzy feeling type of relationship….

I never have had that kind of relationship with anyone… not even my husband…

It really boggles my mind that my sister ever thought we were close??? I treated her just like I treated everyone else… the same… and that means, my love, my affection went no further than my person, when I lived in that house of horror, those feelings were turned off out of self preservation…

It took me a long time to find that person these people set out to destroy…. she is still very shy, she still does not like being around lots of people… she still prefers her cell to living out loud… she is trying… freedom comes at a cost…. her soul is free, but her mind isn’t….

I so get bi-polar, severe depression, suicide, paranoia, fear and the innate desire to disappear…. 

I tried and mother kept drawing me back into the web and hopefully after Nov 7, 2017 and the subsequent thanksgiving email debacle… I am free of the web…. my siblings aren’t, but they know so much more than I ever did???

Every day I accept that my family is flat-out bat shit crazy, that makes it easier to accept… I don’t have a family …

I am over being abused… abused by my mother, siblings, children and grandchildren and even a few friends and cousins….  they made their choice… I chose not to live with that choice…

It is after all, my world… they want in it… they are going to have to become adults and own their abusive behavior… until they do… I hope they have the kind of life they dish out… and from this side of the fence… I would say life is giving them exactly what they wanted…  

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

He Does Not Respect….

Recently a granddaughter stated her brother didn’t dis-respect women/girls…. yet, he has done just that to me for some time now… as has his father, his sisters, mother, step dad….. words have little value, but their actions speak volumes and in reality, that is what people judge each other on… isn’t it???

For instance my mother has built this world around her that some are just now seeing through… I told all my siblings… the woman you know, is not the woman I know… so she rips me down every chance and I smile with that thought… because, I left home in 1972 and 48 years later, I didn’t look back… so she has all the imagination in the world to build her lies upon… and they believe and in so doing, disrespect…. hey, they are christians, what do you expect… angels???

There was Sgt that lived down the street from me on Vance AFB, her and I were friends and I barely knew her husband… I was invited over, while the wife was away, to be shown some new plaster faces on the wall, so I stopped by and when the husband turned to me, he pulled my tube shirt down and exposed my breasts… I left immediately… I never wore that kind of top again, in public… the wife later treated me like I was dog shit… So I can only imagine the BS he told his wife…. he disrespected…

My last job with USDA and employee was retiring so we took her out for drinks and her husband drove me to my car as I left the party early and took me back to Okanogan and as I excited the Van, he assaulted me… this was 1994….. and yes we were alone… he took his moment of opportunity to assault me… I will never forget his lips on my mouth, I gag to this day thinking about it….

Men respect only what they can take… and the women that hang with these men are no better….

You can tell me till hell freezes over that this man or boy will never disrespect and I will call you delusional…. and the same goes for the females…

It is not acceptable to lay hands on a girl, boy, man or woman, unless you have been invited verbally to do so… Same goes for lies…

Ya know, some of my kids and grandkids are really in for a rude awakening and Mike, he already plans to have a front row seat, when I put on my thinking cap of reality check in the future… just by putting this in print… they will go out of their way to keep their distance…  and frankly that makes for a more peaceful, less drama filled life… they fear me, because of their imagination… lol… you really can not fix stupid, even blood….boo!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

I wasn’t allowed to say NO…. Moral???

My early years, before I became a teenager was a total fight for survival… and here is an example of what I mean, see if you can get the meaning…

Alabama, southern Baptist church and of course god has been beaten into me since I could first open my mouth… and the flight an  fight mechanism kicked into over drive…

I was led to believe a child all of eight years was a bad person… only because mommy dearest had been embarrassed again…. ya know, I ain’t the dumb ass that knocked her up so why it was all my fault, you got me…. honest…  and that is exactly how that child felt, every time the mother lashed out and hurt her….

So the child prayed… I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep and I ask this god I am told is real, to bless all the people in my life and they are the ones that know about the abuse, but I am supposed to ask this god to bless them…. as I finish the prayer, and I pray the lord my soul should take….  and I would drift off into fitful sleep and usually at some point end up on the floor banging the back of my head so many times, the bone scan done at 28 years of age, showed extensive remodeling and guess where the hypothalamus area is… yep…. triple dog sigh….

One Sunday I asked to be baptized and I thought, okay, no more beatings, I am, “gods child”…. and the boob incident happens….

Couple years later I asked to get baptized again and mom goes, but you are already saved and I just said so….

Thinking to myself, okay, I must have not done it right last time, let’s try again…. and the preacher dunks me under the water….

Big Springs, Texas comes along and the reality of the new baby and its paternity turns our home into a hell on earth, not that it wasn’t always, but this was to the extreme and Margie died and big brother was never seen again after 1968 until Washington 2002 and a weird reunion was a understatement… he was still mommy dearest pet….

From the time I could talk, till I left home, the word NO was not allowed from my lips, if I did, I paid…. When I walked out that door…. No was the first word I learned to exercise….. and god was the first to be told no… he or she is a fraud, taker of lives, souls and innocence, all in the guise of religion…..

I said no in the military and they lied and I proved it… I took on the system and won… and I saw my peers for what they truly were… bigots…. hispanic, white, african, asian… I got the full brunt of what bigotry was and still is like in America while I wore a uniform…. much like how Trump treats Americans now… welcome to the club….

Einstein once said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…. that is the moral…

Only humans can change humans destiny….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Wrapping my head around it???

It is not so much the violence I endured or the rapes…. It is not so much the memory of the assaults or rapes… It is not so much the physical pain caused by domestic violence… mentally or physically…. It’s about her….

I have a hard time accepting I slapped my sons…. yet my own mother took a rod and beat a six-year-old girl, because she told the truth… and mother says she knows her god and sis is a child of god???…

What does that make me????

All anyone ever had to do is tell me I got hurt and that this is the injuries I sustained, so that if I have health issues, I have a clue…. I asked… from the time I was 18 till 2010…. I asked and she lied… just because of money… Don’s retirement from the Air Force… she didn’t want to jeopardize dad’s money and her security… I was expendable and sis went along with it… and she wonders why no one gives a rats ass… she was a spoiled brat then and still is… easy peasy…. that I can live with, she’s not in my world for a reason…. but mommy dearest…. that is a hard one to reconcile…

Not because she is mommy dearest… because she is a human being who made choices to manipulate every life to fit her wants, needs, desires and warped sense of humanity…. I was expendable… and I was asked why I never showed up for family reunions… You have to know about them in order to attend…. I was never invited… from 1988 to 2003… I was never invited… Since 2004, In fact I have not been invited to any of the siblings homes either or have any contact with them… now why is that… Me or her???? I take that back a brother offered us a bed when I had to go to the VA… me in a preachers house… what do you think I said… NO….

Last nights dreams were more along the line of nightmares and I awoke irritated and glimpses of the memory trying to reveal itself…. It is weird how this all works… you take an orange and start to peel the skin a little at a time in order not to damage the juicy fruit underneath and that is how this repressed memory thing works… sometimes it is beyond cool and total nerdsville and sometimes it is beyond any terror I thought I had ever felt… and when the memory push’s through… I realize I had nothing to fear to begin with… it already happened… I just had to accept it into my waking mind and make it part of me and that part of the PTSD journey is over… I got my answer, on that one….

I know the memory trying to show itself, it is an ugly one, I have seen bits and pieces and certain things have triggered the fight or flight mechanism, so I think I am on the right track about this memory and yes it was traumatic and it involved sister who says we are,  oh so close???

What I find even more unsettling…. remembering back into my very young years…. I have read about Edetic memory or photo graphic memory and some people can remember every second of every day… at one time I could… that is what is hard about the memories… I can tell when the interruption in the thought process happens and I hit a brick wall and there is nothing there to retrieve, permanent brain damage… it’s not a big area from what I am figuring out, it is very small and isolated and it is what fractures my memories and makes them into a puzzle… and so far, I have completed every puzzle it gave me…. what that means…

I remember the before, the beating and the after…. and sprinkled in there are other memories…. and those are the ones I am trying to put into place… and surprisingly I really do not have to much further to go… but answers will always lead to more questions and that is where I am at…. It seems that my mothers ability to manipulate and my dads (Don) ability to lie, played well into their plan and it worked… I got my mother survivor benefits after proving dad died from Agent Orange… and my siblings helped her spend the back pay of $87,000…. Then she sold the house and that $100,000 is gone too, cause bro had to buy a house…. yep and I am the evil one… nearly peed my panties laughing about that BS…. Liars and manipulators always give themselves away… always…

The morale of the story… you can know someone and still not know them… I had cousins gushing about my dad, until I told them what kind of bastard he really was, then, they being christian, I am the bad person, because I don’t honor the bastard… works for me… I have no use for Auntie or Cousins who lie, steal and cheat and hide behind a god that never was….

I didn’t get a birthday card this year from mom… she is letting me know, I am not welcomed in her world, a world I have been trying to break free of since 1972 and I finally did it… now I just got to figure out all this crap in my head…. should be a fun ride… until mommy dearest wants something only I can give her… it happened before… she has no shame… isn’t that obvious…. that is what I can not wrap my head around… Probably why I could see Trump for what he is… My mother….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

 

 

Peripheral Neuropathy and Mobility…

The scariest thing about all this isn’t the brain… it is being able to stay independent….

When I had the surgery in Feb I knew the surgeon wanted me down for a year from my normal activity… and I have done what she wanted and when she released me after six months, that is when I started working out a little every day… and that is when I really noticed how weak I was and again, we didn’t have the above diagnosis, but I had always suspected it and always stayed active, till this surgery and what a wake up call…

We had to do a road trip to Kona the other day and get what we need to put new flooring in, something we have done in our last 3 homes, takes us longer, because we are slower and more prone to hurting ourselves… but we had lots of supplies to buy and when we started loading the truck, I was all in and even tossed around 10lb bags of dirt like they were pillows…. and that gave me an indication that the few exercises I am doing, is getting the communication going between the brain and limbs…

For me, my first clue something was wrong… high school at Johnson AFB and the gym where the teacher had me get on a balance beam and my left side gave out… I had just turned 16…. so gym for me in high school, wasn’t much, because that teacher saw my weakness and knew it wasn’t safe for me to do some things… so I give that lady points… she did her job…

I have always pushed to do more than what the doctors told me I could do… why??? because they were treating the symptoms and not finding the cause or problem and they did that from 1978 until 2017… when the doctor on Hawaii listened, she didn’t fully hear, but it got the ball rolling and we are where we are…

Peripheral neuropathy from domestic violence, the one part of this illness has attacked the nerves to all my organs… known that since the first screw up surgery the Air Force did… and no one listened and one year after discharge I had emergency surgery, my small bowel was being strangled by adhesions and the Air Force said there was nothing wrong at discharge and I contested and was ignored… again… the military pushing people out to protect the image of an organization and not the people it represents… sigh… just wow…. holy crap on a cracker wow… and it is still going on in all branches of the military….

Moral of this little rant… I will never be able to be idle in my life, if I want to keep my independence… and that lesson is one that I take very seriously…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Confidence or Courage…

Ever start your day off and go, today, I will look at all around me and I will just absorb, not judge, not evaluate… just enjoy the life going on around you???

A while back a friend made this comment and it isn’t the first time I have heard this, but this is their interpretation of me, without really knowing me… but this is what they see…

Friend…. You show such confidence in what you are going through and always have… this person knew me on Japan in the 60’s….she is not the first person to say “confidence”…

That is how they see me and in fact most people find me intimidating and arrogant and confident… and guess what, all three are wrong and Mike, my husband of 24 years will tell you they are so far off the mark… and it’s only because for some weird reason they think I have lived this magical, wonderful life… and again… so far off the mark, it’s just fantasy on their part….

The reality of my life… isn’t arrogance, or intimidation or confidence… I have very little of those qualities…  but people see it as such and that reason is for a couple of things I do with consistency….

I am rarely wrong… I always research subjects before I talk about them, I like to know what I am discussing and understand it… so I guess because I like to learn that makes me arrogant…

Intimidating… never have been… it is part of the “Flight or Fight” mechanism that has been turned on since the beating at the age of 6…. when the brain chemistry is in control, the human is not… ask anyone who treats bi-polar or other mental health issues… the Flight or Fight mechanism is turned off, but it only takes a stupid comment or behavior from anyone and it turns right back on… I am working on it… always, I accept, I will always be a work in progress…

Confidence…. What people see as confidence is a lack of fear to stand up against bullying and tyranny… This morning someone shared something about Jesus song to a baby and it set me off… by confusing a child with a religion that you can not prove and you expect them to function in the real world… I hope that baby has a fighting chance against a corrupt cult, called christian/jewish/Islam/buddha what ever label you want… it is still just a label and actions speak much louder than any label you wear… I know… you labeled me….

So what others see as these three traits above, is nothing more than courage… courage to fight for my soul and keep it out of the corrupt hands of christians or any other fantasy religion… really does feel like I am in the twilight zone and if you don’t believe in god I have to worry about being murdered by said christians… and that is a fact… read the history, it happened before, because they called out the bs about a virgin birth… you really cannot fix stupid, honest, just ask them, they would rather double down like Trump than admit, they fear life which is why they fear their god… and that sadly, is a fact…

Well all have confidence, arrogance, faiths, beliefs and a little of insanity in all of us… that is what makes us diverse and that is what Trump can’t stand… he is a racist like Hitler and he really needs to be put behind a very tall wall in a straight jacket….

I may not be the most confident person on the planet… but hubby will tell you and he has seen me in action…. don’t piss me off and above all do not lie to me and keep your religion where it belongs, with you and out of my world… or the next time… my world will no longer welcome you into it…. I faced death many times and survived… I saw the other side and god and life are not there…. only the here and now is life… live it, before you don’t have one to live and quit fearing what may never be…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

SEX……. and TBI….

A subject I have discussed with my husband of 24 years… is SEX… and how not knowing I had a TBI impacted our marriage and almost ended it….

The time is 2010, I am being super bitchy, no sleep and we are back in Arkansas, trying to get our little old house fixed up to sell so we could move… and hubby has enough and just leaves… needless to say, he got a reality check up and I had to decide if I really wanted to stay in the marriage…. This one moment in 24 years is all we ever had problems about…. 7 years later we both find out why I behaved the way I did and why I could have cared less if we ever had SEX…. and he left, cause I was a cranky old woman in the morning…. HELLO…

It always comes back to one issue… KNOWING!!!! I knew that I was missing memory by 2010 after confronting mother…. but I didn’t know I had a TBI yet, until the Psych exam at El Paso VA 2011 for an appeal I have on going… and that is when the puzzle started to slowly make sense… needless to say, I figured out to use magnesium to help me sleep, works like a charm and hubby is happy about that… started it after 2010 and his little drive….

As for sex… with the reputation I got at Vance AFB, you would have thought I was sleeping with every dude that came on the base… and it couldn’t have been further from the truth….

Thanks to the TBI and the fact I had so many brain injuries… the fact that I even look at a man is saying something… not much, I do have taste that have nothing to do with looks…

As for sex… even as a teenager, I could have cared less… don’t get me wrong I experimented… but, I could do without it… I had zero sex drive… and it stayed that way till now… and again, it goes back to injuring the hypothalamus and pituitary gland and we know Texas, Margie suffered a severe injury and she was only 13… just at the age of puberty… explains why I developed so late in life… they beat the crap out of my internal organs and I now live with neuropathy… in other words, my heart can quit any time it wants, because of the damage to my central nervous system inside and outside the organs and flesh… just because 2 adults thought it was okay to beat on their children… Christians… ugh, stupid at its best!!!

I often wonder over the years why I had a lack of interest in sex… took lots of blood tests, had hormones given to me after they took my female organs and nothing mattered or changed how I felt about sex… and dear hubby of 24 years can account for the time we didn’t have any and it was longer than a year at a stretch….

For anyone in my past to even hint I was sex crazed… I have a husband that will be happy to punch your lights out… because you would be slandering me and him… He has lived with this too and you didn’t… you just speculated and spread the gossip you and mom are so famous for… and gave me a reputation I was incapable of earning… even at Vance AFB and that was just men in power being told to kiss my ass, when I turned them down!!!…

Once you start lying it is so hard to quit… and when someone like me comes along and proves every poisonous word you uttered from a “Christian Mouth” was just a story like their bible…. well the rest is history…

Yep and I got judged… boy howdy… are they looking mighty stupid now… hows my life looking now Sgt Billman??? you and the other girls envied so much… How is it looking now that the truth has come out????

You really can’t fix stupid and gossip, like lies, is brain candy for the stupid and bigots…. ie… Trump and his followers…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Finally the doctor LISTENED!!!

Doc just called, I have been trying since the day they put me on thyroid med… not to take the dosage they wanted me on, because it was to strong for my BODY!!!

With TBI and we know that my hypothalamus was impacted and it can be decades before the issues show up… mine started in 1992/93…. 20 years after the last blow to my head… and I was put on a strong dosage that screwed with me and still does…

I convinced the doc… so a little lower dose ordered for walmart and I can try it and see if I can tolerate it… I have a feeling the answer is no… I have done this routine with medication before and by the time we are done, I suffered and the doctor documents, patient cannot tolerate medication!!! HELLO, what I been saying for decades!!!

So, to the store to get it and try it… been off the med since Saturday and I feel great… but, the endo system is beyond complicated, with hormones and everything else this old woman is dealing with you have to listen to the educated and hope they are listening to you… regardless… I am happy… and If my thyroid was still screwing up, I wouldn’t be losing weight… and that is a fact… I do understand Endo a little…

I will say this till hell freezes over… keep pushing to get the doctors to LISTEN…. not hear… LISTEN… use your sweet voice, beg, plead, get on your knees to get their attention… just don’t get mad… that will get you no place but lots of bull shit in you VA records…

So happy dance, she contacted the VA and they verified the med was the same for the last 3 months, so it wasn’t the med or dyes that caused the feeling of being on 100 cups of coffeee, which meant way to much hormone being dumped into my system by the medication… which tells me… my brain is evolving and the glands that were damaged are healing… it really is a weird subject to read about… the Endo system that is…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Reflections, trying to let go???

It’s non stop thinking… you just can not help yourself… when you spent so much of your life trying to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back… you just don’t find time to dwell, at least I didn’t… but that didnt’ mean my brain didn’t… too many decades of depression to deny that…

I told Mike I was so tired of all this… not physical tired… mental… beyond tired… wishing my brain was numb again, just so I can focus on anything else for an extended period, without the past pushing its way back into the waking mind…

That is PTSD… anyone who has had it, lived it or experienced it… it can be obsessive and it can be mind altering, if you let it…

I get my case is unique because of the multiple traumatic brain injuries and the fact that my health care was anything but good… remember… Air Force, cover up and denial… and if someone dies… well that is one less witness… think I am wrong… then you are not living in reality… that is men in power, protecting men in power… only lives that matter to them, is theirs… it’s called the Trump religion manifestation, it has been going on since McCarthy…. 

I still want to move on… I know that the book is the key to putting all this to rest and I am getting pressured to work on that and get it done… it’s just that memories don’t always cooperate when you write… thus the goofy blog as a diary of sort… and I still have research to do… there are some things I need more clarity on… and I really only want to write this book one time and no sequels and no clue how to get to from point B to point A… but it does distract from the bad memories…

Chaos, a feeling of isolation in your brain, fatigue, anger, numbness… all things we fight, when dealing with PTSD… for anyone in the police force, to speculate over that shooter in Paradise, says volumes of the lack of education on mental health… I agree the kid murdered people… I see it from his point of view… because I am living it… and getting help, will  never happen, because to get help, people have to understand… and some of those cops, it was hate… not understanding mental illness… and the VA and military have yet to get it right… count the number of suicides in veterans and that tells you how many times they got it wrong… including the kid at Paradise…

Last night was bad dreams, but no bad mood this morning… the PTSD is releasing its hold on me, and I truly can not wait for it to be completely gone… but I know it is not, yet… exhaustion brings sleep, but it makes you let your guard down and in come the nightmares of PTSD…

Always moving and working towards an end goal… I know that our return to the mainland will help and going to the places that some of the beatings happened… will make a great deal of difference… and last night, I had a aha moment before bed… and this is a clue…

We were moving from Kansas and we had purchased a single wide manufactured home, because mom had a 4th kid while we had been in Kansas, I think, bro number 2… and we traveled by car to Alabama following the semi truck pulling our trailer… when that memory hit… I was less than 8 years old… so after the TV interview and beating and before the boob incident in Alabama…. Eidetic memory, boy I wish that shrink had been wrong… but he’s not…

Always amazes me, these waking aha moments… I just keep telling myself, this will be over, when it is over and not let it get me down, but look at it as if I am opening a present every time a memory comes back and a little bit more of my soul has been taken back from the white mans god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Hawaii

Maui in the distance…

Kailua Kona

1980’s lava flow, I think.

Kailua Kona