Margie left me so many clues…

I wrote about playing in an industrial park that had been torn down and how we walked on top of the cement pylons that were about 12 feet off the ground, probably taller... I was only about 11, when we played at this place in Alabama... the boob incident state... After Texas and the lost … Continue reading Margie left me so many clues…

Margie is getting sleepy….

Margie walked with the "Fight or Flight" mechanism turned on for 64 years... I turn 65 this year... The Zip line I did... the lack of fear or apprehension or even exhilaration.... tells me Margie is getting ready to take a long rest... she achieved her goal... She Remembered..... Every day is new... the child … Continue reading Margie is getting sleepy….

17 months of Remembering and Growing…

Though I had to delete the first couple months of my blog, because of my twisted sister and her lies... sigh... the rest of the blog is here and it will be most interesting to go back and see the progress... Some of the writing is raw, full of anger and pain... All of the … Continue reading 17 months of Remembering and Growing…

Trumps god, do as you please, I forgive you???

Even as a child I questioned this god thing... I mean come on... No human has been born on this planet without sperm and egg... Facts are facts and no Alien life form has ever been found or proven on this planet... so socialized religion is nothing more than a con... But I got this … Continue reading Trumps god, do as you please, I forgive you???

Re-writing History… Changing the thought process….

Everybody has a favorite saying, movie, TV show, song, mantra... you name it, we all have one... mine has been for a very long time... "Live for Today"... tomorrow is not promised no matter how much social religion tells you other wise... we get one chance, make the best of it or you will miss … Continue reading Re-writing History… Changing the thought process….

When PTSD comes to Visit….

The "Autonomic meltdown", that lasted right at 3 weeks, left me drained and depressed... the residual issue with this problem, is the spasm it causes when eating.... it is so painful, you would think you are having a heart attack... but it's not the heart... It's the stomach and esophagus both in spasm as food … Continue reading When PTSD comes to Visit….

Ignoring the VA…. moving on…

Okay, enough of this bull shit doubt crap!!!.... You have known your whole adult life you were missing time and you knew something was off with your relationship, when it came to your birth family... in fact, having contact with any of them set off alarms and I didn't understand why!!! I have got to … Continue reading Ignoring the VA…. moving on…

Thank YOU Veterans Administration for the Depression!!!

A long time ago I learned not to look at my Veterans Medical records because I knew that there was lots of ugly comments by doctors, nurses, technicians... you name it... if you want ugly,  get a federal employee in the Veterans Administration, they can do it and will do it and did do it... … Continue reading Thank YOU Veterans Administration for the Depression!!!

VA Medical Records Incomplete!!!

One thing about this memory ability, once I remember something I try to back it up with facts.... That Abby OCR program I bought has the ability to scan all the documents for specific words or phrases...  I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find the CT scan they did at the Oregon … Continue reading VA Medical Records Incomplete!!!

Face Book Censorship…. You Just Can Not Fix the Stupid of the Rich….edited FINAL…

I posted a couple of hours ago the family freak show and I checked face book and the blog is not showing up in anyone's feed, except the Ann Spite feed and it does not show it shared on face book, which tells me, that yep I can see it on face book, but no … Continue reading Face Book Censorship…. You Just Can Not Fix the Stupid of the Rich….edited FINAL…

When you are the Family Freak Show….edited

They all knew and none of them said anything... Was granny getting money monthly from dad??? Loyalty to an older brother by the siblings??? Cousins who know more than I do about my own family??? Yep we were the family freak show and because they are so bored... We still are.... You really can not … Continue reading When you are the Family Freak Show….edited

So, I know how I died… now what???

Nov 5, 2017 will be a day I will  never forget, nor will the families of those murdered on that day in Sutherland Springs, Texas... I owe them my life, because they lost theirs... I  had faint hints over the years that something was off in my family... for the longest time I thought it … Continue reading So, I know how I died… now what???

Autonomic meltdown 3 weeks and finally over???

The symptoms started about 8 days before our company came... Got a headache on the left frontal parietal lobe area... basically the opposite side of the brain where the stroke and brain bleed is... I should say old stroke and brain bleed... As the headache started that is when I notice how the arteries in … Continue reading Autonomic meltdown 3 weeks and finally over???

TBI… Avoiding the Head Fake….

Head Fake is a term Dr. Oz used on one of his shows... and he uses it selectively and yep he's a christian... so not as open-minded as the human that does not dummy down their brain with religion... because when you dummy down with religion or belief in gods... you just did the "Head … Continue reading TBI… Avoiding the Head Fake….

How I figured out how I died… pg 2

From an out-of-body perspective is the way I am going to try to tell this... so how did I know when Freda's mother died something was wrong??? Chaos... not just a little, but lots and so much so, when I awoke from the waking coma and okay what does that mean... "waking coma???".... It means … Continue reading How I figured out how I died… pg 2

My Limp is Gone….

I remember in high school on the balance beam and the issue with maintaining balance, when balance had never been an issue before.... The way I get how strokes work and how if you do not get proper care, body parts start to withdraw and malfunction and they do it over time... which is exactly … Continue reading My Limp is Gone….

How I Figured out my Own Murder….

I awoke to a scene... "Freda is crying, her mother has just died and at first she didn't want to go to the funeral, but with all that had gone on in the last 9 months, she wanted an escape away from the reminder... they killed the 13-year-old child that stood before her covered in … Continue reading How I Figured out my Own Murder….

Just when I thought we were done….Here I go Again!!!

Just when I thought I was done, that just maybe I could take all my research and memories and put the book in a first run.... I start dreaming...!!! #$%* Not much sleep last night... lots of pain and some of my own doing, we got the new range and nearly killed ourselves getting it … Continue reading Just when I thought we were done….Here I go Again!!!

They said they loved me… I am not impressed….

Did you know it is easy to love... why??? it's an emotion... it has no real rhyme or reason... why??? it's a emotion.... Now did you know that believing in a god is the same thing??? an emotion??? yep, read some psychology on the subject... I have known for many years now, that when not … Continue reading They said they loved me… I am not impressed….

Cloak of Many Clues….

There is a song by Dolly, about the coat of many colors... and there is the story of the Jews leaders and its colorful cloak.... my cloak was orange and I hated it with a passion.... I was only 14, severe brain bleed after being beaten by daddy, because I pissed off mommy and sister... … Continue reading Cloak of Many Clues….

I Give Up… UNCLE!!!

Superstitions are just that... but if I was... I would really get a little freaked about now... but I know the reality of power surges and it hit our 220 on the stove and it will cost more to repair the stove than it would to buy a new one...  As the repairman leaves the … Continue reading I Give Up… UNCLE!!!

Learning to walk again….

I wrote about playing in an old building that was long gone and all that was there was the support walls that stuck out of the ground about 12 feet, so typical dangerous stupid place for kids to play... this was before I was 12... By the time the Texas beating, near death, and stroke... … Continue reading Learning to walk again….

Internet signal reroute…

I know a lot of peeps do not keep up with this stuff... so sue me...  When the election went down in 2015/16 we knew that a signal reroute had been done by a foreign country and they would split the signal, you would still be connected, but if you posted or did anything on-line, … Continue reading Internet signal reroute…

Do NOT Touch!!! Biden, hands OFF!!! edited…

Christians or any religious person, thinks, hugs, and kiss' are just the oh so nice bullshit!!! Biden touching another person may have been innocent per the religious dogma of christians!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TOUCH ANOTHER PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once a few years ago, someone said to me..."I know you don't like hugs, but … Continue reading Do NOT Touch!!! Biden, hands OFF!!! edited…

Memory of laughing at them, what does that mean???

I have more memories of laughing at them after they hurt me, than I do of being pissed off at them.... why??? Because it pissed them off more... lots of little devil emojis please... We went out and did our mile walk and I stopped dead in my tracks and said... "I laughed at them, … Continue reading Memory of laughing at them, what does that mean???

If god is real, why do you need money???

In the news, the pope is doing something in writing to make it harder for a priest to rape a child??? okay, you can not fix stupid, stupid has to really want to be fixed... and smoke and mirrors does not stop rape, theft, murder, lying or cheating... I love science and I have been … Continue reading If god is real, why do you need money???

PTSD… what stage of the journey???

I turn my head an it swims and the world feels as if I just drank a half a dozen shots of something.... I correct my posture, tilt the pelvis, straighten the spine, pull the neck back in and know the skull feels heavy for a reason....my insides, still on the make, letting me know … Continue reading PTSD… what stage of the journey???

Physical Therapy… who knew…

Resisted anyone ever touching me, it just flat-out hurts... it hurts to even hug someone or shake hands... so touch, not something I am big on, nor have I ever been... Raped young, you do not like human touch.... The physical therapist is working my left side and working that band that runs from your … Continue reading Physical Therapy… who knew…

Fight or Flight… the Fear mechanism…

For the longest time, I would say about 5 decades, I could not figure out why I had fear... I had no clue of the beatings, or any of the trauma and I had become so good about burying the rapes and all the other bad things that happened as I walked through life... I … Continue reading Fight or Flight… the Fear mechanism…

Neuropathy & Sun, friend or foe???

After the last blow to my body by any human in 1971 alongside my head.... that was when the sun, heat, humidity started a love hate relationship... all because of that last blow to my head at 17 years old... We are green, we do all we can to conserve energy, water, food, etc... so … Continue reading Neuropathy & Sun, friend or foe???

Humans a fluke of nature… for real… no gods involved…

Ya know I have never seen 99% of TV crap that is out there... Our TV stays on the Science channel or National Geographic or anything that is educational and can be backed with proof and not a book written several thousand years ago... Religion will always be a thorn in my side, only because … Continue reading Humans a fluke of nature… for real… no gods involved…

Borg… not a bad idea….

I want a body like 7.... reminds me of my younger days....  Neck is real hassle, trying to keep it back an in position and not forward and putting a strain on those areas that are damaged from all those beatings... not fun... Today at PT... I told her about the sensation in my forearms... … Continue reading Borg… not a bad idea….

Autonomic meltdown in it’s 14th day???

I have for decades been trying to pin this situation down, so that, when the symptoms warn me it's coming I know exactly what to expect, okay sort of, kind of... oh hell, I got no clue type scenario... Before our guest arrived, I started feeling the upset stomach and not much else... along came … Continue reading Autonomic meltdown in it’s 14th day???

I Have A Condition….my new pet phrase…

Oh my goodness if we buy the house we want to buy.... in-door pool, right on the river... some acreage... still lots of questions... but we have hope this will be ours and the gang will all be there... While our visitor was here, she found out just how goofy we really are and that … Continue reading I Have A Condition….my new pet phrase…

Autonomic melt down… piecing it together…

Piecing the signs together... the hints of impending doom and gloom... Okay maybe not, but I don't like roller coasters and when this happens, it is one long miserable ride.... I wrote the other day what happened on our way to the airport... I noticed a headache on my left temporal area... about the same … Continue reading Autonomic melt down… piecing it together…

Veterans health care in America…

May of last year was when I saw my dentist an asked for mandible molar implants... Got a call from Oahu VA on Monday and they had no record of such request... Do you realize, we veterans can call, and we will rarely reach a human... that is a fact... Trump has a hiring freeze … Continue reading Veterans health care in America…

VA out of Oahu calls???

Before I forget to document this... got a call from Oahu VA office, following up on a complaint my hubby had filed, when we were fighting to get answers about that stroke...  Ya know, that stroke was purely a hunch... other than these memories I have, I had no other clue than noticing my left … Continue reading VA out of Oahu calls???

My Invisible Disability….Autonomic Neuropathy…

The past week, has been fun... and very surprising.... When I offered to take my niece to Zip line, I had done something similar to it, but only slightly and I wrote at one time I had a fear of heights... well, not any more... The zip line was fun, but it never got my … Continue reading My Invisible Disability….Autonomic Neuropathy…

Taking chances…

Sometimes you just got to take a chance... Angelia is leaving to go home today... The pups accepted her in our home, with the usual growls an warnings, they are in charge, you are a visitor in our home... Choco drooled so much, we had puddles on the floor...but she kept all 10 fingers... Just … Continue reading Taking chances…

Telling the story…

This past week, having a stage 4 cancer patient, a dear niece in my home...has been reminding me... In the face of death comes grace... Not from a god... But the soul of a human being.... We are given one chance to live, an people like me who died an came back...know how precious our … Continue reading Telling the story…

Zip Line the final run…

Reception not great, but I got this one to upload... I think this is the final run and I fly over Akaka falls... Sorry, my helmet was moving around a lot... but it still has some nice shots... This was the longest run of the 7 zip line runs we did... One kid was terrified, … Continue reading Zip Line the final run…

Video of zip line…

Video I took with Iphone, will upload the go pro soon... This was at Zip line tours, big island Hawaii... The video is one of the college kids on the tour... this run was the 2nd longest we did, sorry the zoom in an out... TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember Margie...an this time she was … Continue reading Video of zip line…

Zip line insanity…

Today is a test.... Test of my courage an if my bladder is going to betray me when I start screaming.... More than that, its a physical test... Yesterday at the Dolphin Quest, I was sitting on the ground an stood up with just using my legs... Spoke volumes on how far I have come … Continue reading Zip line insanity…

Hawaii Island… Swim with dolphins and Zip line tour…

Weather not all that great, but we have gone out and looked for new and interesting things to do... Tomorrow, my niece will swim with dolphins at the Hilton... Friday, her and I are doing the 7 Zip line tour, here on the big island... if you are curious what that is, just google zip … Continue reading Hawaii Island… Swim with dolphins and Zip line tour…

Botanical garden on Hawaii, big island…

Not much in bloom, but the garden recovered nicely from Hurrican Lane last year... still a pretty hike... TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember... Margie ... and the dozen roses she won mom, just before Margie died... Sgt. USAF DAV

Why do I remember???

When the young airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas... I was shocked, just like everyone else... but had become numb to all the mass shootings by mostly white males and the propaganda our own president promotes for white superiority...well if he is an example, they will kill each other off... Sorry I digress, … Continue reading Why do I remember???

Questions with no Answers…

Many mental health workers believe it is a good idea to get your thoughts down in a journal, diary, video or audio memory... especially when making a journey like mine... I have written of all that gets to me, I tried to make sure I was as honest with myself as that was so important... … Continue reading Questions with no Answers…

Pretty day on Hawaii…

Playing with my camera and trying out different lens... we have company in a few days and I will be out and about the island taking lots of pictures... our last chance to get out and see it, before we start the work and put the house up for sale... Hope your day is just … Continue reading Pretty day on Hawaii…

Love… Respect… Honesty… Hardest way to live life…

At some moment in time, I made a choice in life to live by the above statement... and I have no regrets... because I know the life I have lived and continue to do so... As my brain takes all the chaos of memories that have been buried for decades... I see the measures I … Continue reading Love… Respect… Honesty… Hardest way to live life…

We got sunshine…

We have had so much rain, we are starting a dry pattern... views on our walk this morning... Got my camera out, since company will be here soon... need to remember how to use it... This is what we see everyday, when we go out an walk... Orchids, Mauna Kea, Pacific Ocean... our little house.... … Continue reading We got sunshine…

I am a Elder, not your best friend…

Quit treating me like I am your best friend... I am your elder, not your BFF..... The last few years has taught me, with my sons... they forgot, I was there for them... where were their dads??? I don't lie to them and I make them own their lives or they can stay out of … Continue reading I am a Elder, not your best friend…

What to do with this site of rants and bigotry…

It has bothered me lately... it is not who I am or what I believe... but words left my lips and words were typed... so, they came from my injured brain... is that okay, is that an excuse or acceptable behavior, just because I have a severe brain injury??? I do know the difference between … Continue reading What to do with this site of rants and bigotry…

Neuropathy & PTSD…

It has been 2 months since I quit the levothyroxine and just wow... 26 years plus of hell, because of one tiny man-made drug... and I wonder how long before I would have taken my life, if I hadn't got confirmation of the TBI's... and people are living that have my answers and silent as … Continue reading Neuropathy & PTSD…

We got the rainbow…

Honest we do have good weather on Hawaii... We live in the tropical weather region.. Hawaii has 9 distinct climate zones on the island... You can snow ski in the morning an surf in the ocean in the afternoon... Rain happening an this rainbow appeared as the sun peeked between the clouds.... Happy Thursday... TimesUp … Continue reading We got the rainbow…

No more special…

I don't feel special no more... just saw on the news about the face book outage... Made me comment to hubby, remember me telling you I was seeing weird stuff on FB the past few days... think we got our answer.... One thing about some of the stuff I do and can see... even I … Continue reading No more special…

I Win, Face Book Looses….

I got under someone's skin... so they shut down my face book pages and it looks like they are messing with Mike's page... so I hit a nerve... Ya know what, boo hoo... FB and its base are as thin-skinned as Trump and that ladies and gentlemen is a fact... I think in my post … Continue reading I Win, Face Book Looses….

Face Book shutting me down, because of their man made god…

I believe in science and reality... do you know that the people who live in America moved their because of their beliefs in their god??? I don't believe in such nonsense or superstitions... but because I voiced that on face book they shut down my pages... and removed my posts.... It is sad when a … Continue reading Face Book shutting me down, because of their man made god…

Sudden heart felt pain…

It does happen, that fleeting moment in time where I will flash on my childhood and I get hit with such a large amount of emotional pain and I wince and ask... why??? Is the pain because of the abuse, the beatings, the hateful words, the envy from my own sister??? Is it because my … Continue reading Sudden heart felt pain…

My anger will not change the outcome, they have to want too….

Something lately bothering about this whole mess of remembering... my anger... I get my hunger anger, which is rumbling as I write... I get my medication anger from levothyroxine for the last 26 years... What I struggle with right now, my current anger... as for my anger towards our kids, they will either grow or … Continue reading My anger will not change the outcome, they have to want too….

Still Trying…

Not so much as feeling stretched thin... just pleasantly tired and not cranky... The levothyroxine is 100% out of my body... the changes have been slow, but progressive... I am most assuredly one of those people who get angry when hungry... so that is something I am learning to pay closer attention too... Sleep, some … Continue reading Still Trying…

Einstein once said…

Do not follow the ones that have all the answers... Follow the ones that have lots of questions.... I will never stop questioning what happened... This should be fun... TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember... Margie...who asked the uncomfortable questions an still does... Sgt USAF DAV

Domestic violence and blunt force trauma… physical pain still, 60 years later…

On Japan, after that beating and about a year after the stroke and about a few months after the brain bleed... which is why I think Japan plays such a pivotal role in my brain issues, but not the skeletal... those I contribute to mom and her yard stick beating after the TV host interview... … Continue reading Domestic violence and blunt force trauma… physical pain still, 60 years later…

Learning has not changed…

I said numerous times in writing, I learn mostly by repetition an watching...Reading, some, but I have to read it several times to imprint the text... I am learning several new programs at once, an confusion happens because I get things mixed up in the steps of the application or program I am using... Its … Continue reading Learning has not changed…

Dead duck… sounds like Washington

Stole this off of face book, only because I am goofing off learning this application... No offense meant... and all dogs and cats were treated equally... Switch and bait... sounds so much like what is happening in our country... Have a nice saturday... TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember... Margie... who loved mystery theatre on the … Continue reading Dead duck… sounds like Washington

PTSD and the fight to keep your soul out of the fanatics hands…

Is it possible to live in conjunction with PTSD and still thrive??? I would have to say yes... I have done it my whole life... Lately the mind and body feel like they are living together, instead of fighting each other... So many decades of that battle and all that knowledge sits inside people who … Continue reading PTSD and the fight to keep your soul out of the fanatics hands…

Working it out on my terms…. not yours…

Told hubby I was moving away from the subject... It's an old subject, it has been around for centuries, I am not going to change anyones opinion... but it's still a part of my story... yet, I am going to move away from it... Why??? Because the story is about one subject... domestic violence.... Be … Continue reading Working it out on my terms…. not yours…

Little sleep, cranky rant… PTSD, so fun… NOT!!!

I knew when I started the process of PT and exercising in earnest and quitting the thyroid drug... I was opening Pandora's box.... As for the mood... I would say very mellow... get a little testy, but when hungry, always do... working on noticing that better... As for the body, holy moly am I sore... … Continue reading Little sleep, cranky rant… PTSD, so fun… NOT!!!

VA always screws women veterans…. Thank you for your service, worse lip service ever!!!

May of 2018 was when my dentist recommended dental implants and to this day, I have not heard one word from the VA on Oahu... may the gods that run that office pay dearly... On Feb 13, 2019, my optometrist recommended eye surgery..... So they faxed that info to Tri-west that same day while I … Continue reading VA always screws women veterans…. Thank you for your service, worse lip service ever!!!

Rape in the news…

The R. Kelly story, people still talking about Kavanaugh.... Rumors of Trump.... American Cardinal.... Baptist church....  and I am told I did hate speech... because I fear christians... Who do you think all the people I just mentioned are and what they have been accused of doing and I am accused of hate speech, because … Continue reading Rape in the news…

Life, just as ordinary as yours???

From the first blow at 1-year-old to the last blow at 17 years old... all I knew was hate and violence... Upon leaving home, what a naive, dumb kid, but I learned and I learned to say no... though on more than one occasion, that word had no value... Meet 1st hubby, while pregnant with … Continue reading Life, just as ordinary as yours???

TBI & Repressed Memories, how knowing changed everything…

I will make this statement a million times before the book is done... how my mother, father, brother and sister can keep silent...okay dad has been dead 13 years... but the other 3 people are living and guess what, not a peep out of any of them... not a sound... quiet as the graveyard, except … Continue reading TBI & Repressed Memories, how knowing changed everything…

Levothyroxine, drug from hell….

1993, about 8 months before Mike & I got married... I was put on 0.01mg of Levothyroxine... only because of my numbers and fatigue... none of us knew about the stroke or brain injuries... By the time Aug 2018 got here, I was reduced in dosage down to 2 dosages from being off the drug … Continue reading Levothyroxine, drug from hell….

Story book comes to a close….

I remember... and oh how I wish I didn't...  instead, just walked through life tortured over the unknown... but at least thinking I had a family... Things to remember... and that is slowing the progress on this road of remembering... for one simple reason.... I don't want to close the story book on the family … Continue reading Story book comes to a close….

Home… Safe & Sound???

At one time, what face book did, to censor me, would have set me off and it would have been a day or two of bitching.... My previous post and what I put back on face book took all of about 30 minutes... weather interrupted the signal... Paranoia, I knew before I started Levothyroxine, I … Continue reading Home… Safe & Sound???

Face Book Censorship… wow #MeToo #WhyIDidntTell #TimesUp

Face book censored me... now why would they do that... think I got under someones skin??? Why is it they can put sadistic crap out there with graphic art and I put an honest to god statement... like how I snuck that in there... Regardless... I have said it for a while... FB is not … Continue reading Face Book Censorship… wow #MeToo #WhyIDidntTell #TimesUp

Change happens….

Change, it happens, to all of us... including those that take the psycho path road... now a fly on the wall of those brains would be more than just eye-opening... I can continue to butt my head against that brick wall or I can change... not on the cellular level... just in my thought process... … Continue reading Change happens….

Come on sunshine…

Not my first time living on an island... but, it is my first time with nearly 2 straight years of rain and not much sun... even when the lava flow was happening and we had unstable weather created by the eruption... it stayed wet... not sure I am going to miss this part of my … Continue reading Come on sunshine…

Freaky medical side…

Knowing about the peripheral and autonomic neuropathy gives me great peace of mind... lots of decades and no right answers until that neurologist did the tests... But there are some symptoms that happen and totally take me by surprise, even though I have had them since the Texas beating and death... one of those symptoms, … Continue reading Freaky medical side…

“IT”, begs the question…

If alien life existed off planet and had inter-stellar capability.... Why would they come to earth??? Hubby replied... "A Laugh"....  and they got one... They convinced a planet of people, they could not survive without a god??? Now granted they didn't stand a chance against primitive man... his main goal, survive, not evolve... though according … Continue reading “IT”, begs the question…

Margie & Maggi playing brain limbo…

Pushing myself to look at the repressed memories in different ways is not as easy as it sounds... It takes focus, a lot like meditation and getting that quiet around here, just isn't happening... That did really make our decision about moving... my need for quiet so I can finish this journey I started Nov … Continue reading Margie & Maggi playing brain limbo…

Locking the door on Margie’s cell…

I could tell when it was happening... I had already disassociated myself with my home life years earlier and when the stroke and near death happened at 13, there wasn't much of Margie left... though I have heard that my behavior stayed consistent.... Margie couldn't cope... every time the TV got turned on, it was … Continue reading Locking the door on Margie’s cell…

Why are christians trying to silence my voice???

Christians have no problem pushing their ideology upon anyone and everyone and they wonder why we have wars!!! I use face book as a tool to rant, not interested in other people's opinions or thoughts when I post on my feed... Last few days I have ranted about christians, nothing new there... Baptist church and … Continue reading Why are christians trying to silence my voice???

Repressed memories…

Stress always seems to have a negative impact on the dreams...  they make them like a fun house of mirrors... As for the repressed memories... the fact I remember what I dreamed, tells me it is likely a memory... Is it a new memory, I can't tell that... I know from experience it could take … Continue reading Repressed memories…

Maggi comes into the picture….

1971, Naha AFB, Okinawa... base housing... summer... my last year of high school fast approaching... I am leaving the house and dad makes a statement and I comment... uh, just a FYI, he didn't like my comment... how do I know that... Wellllllll it goes like this, open mouth, get hit upside said mouth, pick … Continue reading Maggi comes into the picture….

Hawaii Life… should be fun…

My dear friend is retiring from realty so we got our daughter involved with the real estate for home.... I just hired Hawaii Life real estate to do the sell of ours... If you ever watch HGTV show Hawaii Life, that is the realty company I am using... Email this morning from the lawyer closed … Continue reading Hawaii Life… should be fun…

Time flows like a river….

Even when I have been beyond miserable in life, time did not flow like it should... I get lost in time... I escape to my world, they say you can even do that when you are driving... clocked many miles... Meditation is so important in this process and getting quiet and no interruptions is not … Continue reading Time flows like a river….

The survival mode…

Weird the thoughts that come to mind... I was just thinking how I nurtured my observation skills, all because of domestic violence and the memory of said violence all the way back to one year old... wow... 64 years of memory and the violence takes up a lot of my time at this moment in … Continue reading The survival mode…

Phone call changes everything…

Call out of the blue from my lawyer, not the news I expected or hoped for... but news all the same and it will impact our world... or at least my world... Next few months will be busy with us, finishing up the work we started on the house... now we are getting into a … Continue reading Phone call changes everything…

Wanting results and getting questions instead…

How I had hoped this was a medical issue that could be dealt with and expectations and concerns gone... No... this has to be all about the psychological side of domestic violence, repressed memories, depression and PTSD... naturally I get the easy road of figuring it all out, because mental health, let me down repeatedly … Continue reading Wanting results and getting questions instead…

Dear Diary I am about 17 years old…

By now we are living on Okinawa... I have only a couple of memories of Japan and my first real boyfriend... Ssgt Dave Hansen... sweet guy... But he got left behind on Japan and once we got into base housing at Naha, life got very interesting.... I could sleep like the dead and the sleep … Continue reading Dear Diary I am about 17 years old…

When Anger Wins….

We have new neighbors up the street... and we have seen and heard things that are not nice... thankfully no children live there, just adults... still no excuse... Some of the hateful words the woman uses are familiar,  nothing new in those words, meaning and anger still the same, just different vocal chords... Hubby went … Continue reading When Anger Wins….

Dear diary I am around 15 years old… and oh so very tired…

Dear diary, I always thought that illness on Japan had been the flu, until I got the flu 20 years later when I was an adult on Japan... I remember the beating and I remember pissing mommy off with something I said... just remember... if you can't shut them up... you take their memories... and … Continue reading Dear diary I am around 15 years old… and oh so very tired…

Tallying the score card…

Tallying the score card is real... For decades I told sister about how I thought all my issues were because of mom and dad... and she was silent as the grave... and still is... Now that I know the truth, I can tally the record... in a way, it makes it possible for me to … Continue reading Tallying the score card…

Moments stolen by one beating…

For the longest time I could not figure out why I was not able to do certain things... Such as...  1... Let my grand kids comb my hair.... 2... Get on my hands and knees and play with my kids or grand kids.... My scalp has been tender since the "TV host interview beating".... around … Continue reading Moments stolen by one beating…

Dear diary 13 is the age but almost 14…

Mom started crying and I had never seen mom shed tears... Her mother, a woman I never met, had just died and mom wanted to be with her mother again... the same woman who abandoned her to an orphanage... Dear diary, I was so angry with this memory... I am covered from head to toe … Continue reading Dear diary 13 is the age but almost 14…

Our growing garden…

So many grow food on their own property, it is so expensive to buy in the store... Avocados can cost you $10 for just 2.... I average about $140 a month on just fresh vegetables and fruits... We have blooming a producing, Lime, Avocado, Grapefruit and 3 pineapple at this moment... The fruit trees I … Continue reading Our growing garden…

Vivid nightmares….

It has been a while since I have had a vivid nightmare.... Not even when I was freaking out over the medical side of this journey, did I have nightmares like last night... This was different... I was in the nightmare... Instead of me seeing the memory from a detached view... Last night I was … Continue reading Vivid nightmares….

Dear Diary I am 13 years old and the world changed forever…

No birthday celebration... I have no memory... only, mom went into labor on my birthday and the new baby was on its way... Sometime the next morning a child was born... Daddy working his military job and his part-time job at the bowling alley on base... trying to keep all us kids fed and clothed... … Continue reading Dear Diary I am 13 years old and the world changed forever…

Avoiding my task…

Been trying to figure out an easy out for all those medical records and comparing and looking at them and researching... So I bought AbbyFine reader... a program I owned before... Figure get all the stuff converted, so that it's searchable and at least for the book, the evidence will be easy to reference.... it's … Continue reading Avoiding my task…

Science labeled me as well as Trumps base??? You really can not fix stupid…

Because I have tachycardia.... science says I have heart disease??? Because I have a stroke on the brain and bleed.... science says I have mental illness??? Because I have an abnormal brain wave or maybe two abnormal waves... I have mental illness??? Because I have physical limitations I have a disability... so says humans??? Wow... … Continue reading Science labeled me as well as Trumps base??? You really can not fix stupid…

Waiting for that shoe to drop…

The next diary entry takes me into the land of death and birth.... still thinking how to approach that entry or outline... it's dark and ugly... Mood, the Levothyroxine is officially out of my body and I feel good... compared to 27 years of hell... this is good... instead of doing the irrational... doing the … Continue reading Waiting for that shoe to drop…

Working the nightmares…

It's reasonably obvious to me, I avoid what I don't like and my PTSD nightmares are no different... Last night was a doozy!!! and I mean it was good... it still playing in my head hours later... Did I understand it... no... It may just be a nightmare and it may be a memory... It … Continue reading Working the nightmares…

Dear Diary I am about 12 years old…

Dear diary, I remember this was when I got to start babysitting.... I tried my hand one time at making cookies in moms kitchen, too much salt... I remember after the boob incident things quieted down and excitement was building... I spent a week with a family in Florida and was raped... he was a … Continue reading Dear Diary I am about 12 years old…

Dear Diary I am about 8 years old…

The boob incident has happened and I have started the conflicting path of religion, because I was told I was an evil child... because I told the truth... I was baptized by the Baptist a most corrupt and vile religion....  I was just starting puberty when the beating happened... that picture from the last diary … Continue reading Dear Diary I am about 8 years old…

The brain said no, I disagreed…

In 2017, one of our adult grand daughters came to Hawaii to check it out and see if this was a place she wanted to live... she went home 6 weeks later... Island living is not for everyone... One of the moments in time when she was here that stuck in my brain... She asked … Continue reading The brain said no, I disagreed…

PT…. working it….

Been at the PT for a month now... and slowly I am making progress.... My balance is terrible and for a person who could walk off the ground on 12 foot tall pylons and not fear falling off, this speaks volumes for what the result was from the stroke that happened a few years after … Continue reading PT…. working it….

Dear Diary today I am about 7 yrs old…

A chaotic memory or multiple moments in time... Mommy had me go out into the cabbage field next to the trailer park and steal a cabbage... loved cabbage with miracle whip between 2 fresh soft pieces of bread... I lost mommy's necklace her daddy gave her and I remember dropping it behind the trailer... I … Continue reading Dear Diary today I am about 7 yrs old…

Diary… pushing the limits…

I am trying to force myself to go where no man has gone before...echo.....echo...... Anyhow... It's an easy pattern to fall back into and ignore the PTSD and put my interest and thoughts in another direction... Done it my whole life... self-preservation... Not sure this idea will pan out, but I will continue to write … Continue reading Diary… pushing the limits…

Dear Diary I am 6 years old…

Mommy was already pregnant with my first full brother is my memory from this moment in time... My birthday came about and mommy took sister and I to a children's TV show taping.... Sister by now was a couple of feet taller than me, almost as tall as mommy... Sister and I are sitting in … Continue reading Dear Diary I am 6 years old…

Dear Diary I am about 4 years old…

Dear diary, this memory has many moments in time... we are in a little tiny trailer and I think daddy is away hunting... I remember playing with sister and getting stung by many bees... and I remember a man in another trailer that liked teasing me... I remember one night sleeping I wake up screaming … Continue reading Dear Diary I am about 4 years old…

Dear Diary today I am 1…

  Dear diary, today I am 1-year-old and learning to walk.... One day, I was inside and I stood up and started walking... I placed my hands on an object that reflected back my image and I giggled at seeing my reflection... It was a TV.... and all of a sudden I felt something hit … Continue reading Dear Diary today I am 1…

Depression never left the house…

Sitting and playing one of my games, where I can let my brain wonder if it want's and I am thinking about the depression and the fact that it never left, I just live with varying degrees of it... My playing my game, tells me where I am at right now... I'm good, not down, … Continue reading Depression never left the house…

Depression… Hormone related???

I know that depression has been with me for decades, nothing I can do about the childhood stuff... but when I questioned doctors about hormone replacement and thyroid medication, I got a mixed bag of responses... Every day that goes by, and there is less synthetic drugs in my system, I can feel the change … Continue reading Depression… Hormone related???

Some of Hawaii’s Beauty….

From Feb 5, 2019 just before the Kona low hit us... now we have another one hitting us tonight... The bee was so intent on its job, it ignored how close I got... The Nene are an endangered bird here on the islands... they mate for life and they will come back to the same … Continue reading Some of Hawaii’s Beauty….

Man made pharmaceuticals and their damage…

Man made pharmaceuticals are no different from man-made gods... both meant to control your life and make you dependent on anything but yourself.... so over men in power... Experienced that until I got my memories back...  Getting the medical answers the last few months led me to the conclusion that Levothyroxine made my life a … Continue reading Man made pharmaceuticals and their damage…

Levothyroxine poisioning….

https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/levothyroxine-oral-route/side-effects/drg-20072133 If you read this or look at it... The side effects, down all the way to the worse side effects... We counted only 3 that I DID NOT HAVE... out of all the issues with a drug, only 3 of the issues mentioned... I didn't have...  I had every one of all the other … Continue reading Levothyroxine poisioning….

Levels of Depression because of TBI…

At the Arkansas VA, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and when I asked the question... "Why am I depressed"... the doctor could not answer, but he wanted to put me on anti-depressant... and for a while I took them and tossed them after a while.... VA is good about medicating when they don't want … Continue reading Levels of Depression because of TBI…

The layers of the decades are connected… Noise and PTSD…

A little Moody Blues playing in the background and I have it turned up so I can hear it in all rooms of our little house... When did I start to hate loud noise and when did it become painful... so many layers involved with PTSD... So many nuances to the pain you live with … Continue reading The layers of the decades are connected… Noise and PTSD…

PTSD and the long walk….

Ever talk to a holocaust survivor??? or have you ever talked to Hiroshima survivor??? I have, both women and both stories very compelling.... and both wore physical and psychological scars from the gas chambers and death camps and the other wore the burn marks of the blast.... I met the lady on Japan, when I … Continue reading PTSD and the long walk….

Day over, site made over….

We may have internet, but it is just about as slow as dial-up, okay, maybe an exaggeration... but watching video in messenger of our great grand son, it still had to buffer for a 15 second run... but I can get into sites I need for research and that means I can get into government … Continue reading Day over, site made over….

How it came to be… the beginning…

Their eyes locked across the room and it was love at first sight... He was tall, handsome with dark wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, dashing in his military uniform... She was petite hour glass figure, her hair auburn in color and heart shape face, dressed for a night out with her friends...  They started … Continue reading How it came to be… the beginning…

Head up ass routine over yet???

I could just as easily remind myself, been off the thyroid medication exactly 30 days and that could be why I am having so much conflict... when the hormone level gets to be just enough off, confusion is a big issue and some people have been known to go into a waking coma type state... … Continue reading Head up ass routine over yet???

Wishy!!! Washy!!! Make a damn decision already???

I hate indicisive behavior and when it comes from me, it gets on my nerves in many ways.... Mike & I are talking about our current situation and families....and it keeps coming back to one thing... What will change if we move??? So far not a damn thing... our lifestyle will continue as it is... … Continue reading Wishy!!! Washy!!! Make a damn decision already???

Over Thinking… Psychology gets it wrong… my perspective…

Over thinking is not a bad thing... Yet when I read psychology, I do not find much good and that is for one reason only.... Psychology has blinders on... What gets me about the college educated, none of them have ever lived what I lived... None of them had multiple brain injuries from toddler age … Continue reading Over Thinking… Psychology gets it wrong… my perspective…

My anger & My pain, so why are you pissed off at me???

I sighed as I started to write this morning... My boys are pissed off at me and not talking to me and now it seems the same with my step daughter... people not willing to own their behavior... What happened to this being my journey, are their lives so fucked up or so filled with … Continue reading My anger & My pain, so why are you pissed off at me???

Letting the Fantasy go….

It is a struggle at some moments during my day... Like today, when the PT therapist asked me questions about my journey... they have access to my blog and I get I am somewhat of a curiosity... He asked if we still planned to move and I had to stop for a moment and gather … Continue reading Letting the Fantasy go….

Deer in the Headlights… kind of day…

Go into town to do my PT and we decide we will register with the pot store that just opened recently in Hilo... So I did my PT and get told I am making progress and my body is sore and it agrees... We go change our AT&T plan, since we got internet and we … Continue reading Deer in the Headlights… kind of day…

1:36 mins…

We picked up the elliptical Thursday last week... Mike had it put together that day and we were on it... At first I could go 30 seconds and my left calf and thigh were screaming in pain and I was gasping for air... you would think to remember to breathe... not me... The PT lady … Continue reading 1:36 mins…

When Lies Fester and Perpetuate…

When you tell a lie and it festers and perpetuates into a bigger lie, where did I GO WRONG???? I went off on Mike this morning... It has bugged me for a few days now and I wrote about the lie that was told and how that one lie little will spread around Okanogan county … Continue reading When Lies Fester and Perpetuate…

Befuddled… no kidding…

We have been getting hammered all day with wind and rain... typical winter squall... We lost internet a couple of times, being satellite, to be expected... I have spent the last few minutes trying to figure out how I got into the guts of this program... I think I am too tired to do much … Continue reading Befuddled… no kidding…

We have internet!!!

Stubbornness is so much a part of PTSD... You will do the stupidest and after you are done, you hit your head and say, "I could have had a V8".... The cost for internet via the satellite service here, was comparable to the price we were paying AT&T for awful service..... Needless to say, my … Continue reading We have internet!!!

Reality Bites…

If I have learned nothing else about my life... Reality bites and sometimes that reality can be cruel beyond belief and my first 17 years on this planet were just that... oh yea for reliving that time period... But the reality of my last 25 years with my husband and his family... Don't get me … Continue reading Reality Bites…

Nightmares are back…. PTSD you are a pain…

If nothing else, when you get answers you are seeking, it frees the mind up for other fun things... NOT!!! The nightmares are back and they are in over drive... Sleep is happening, but it is interrupted and when I wake, I am left with hints of what I had a nightmare about... meaning... a … Continue reading Nightmares are back…. PTSD you are a pain…

A ghost saved my sons lives….

In Enid, Oklahoma... back in the day when I lived there... I worked at a high-end restaurant as a waitress... at the time I was going through my 3rd divorce and like all my divorces, it cost me... So a 2nd job was needed to pay the bills... I was lucky, I was living in … Continue reading A ghost saved my sons lives….

Vision quest, answered….now the Brain…

So far, had the MRI & MRA of the brain and got those answers... Stroke, brain bleed and no other sign of issues... Saw a neurologist who stuck the needles in my arms and legs and we got the neuropathy answers... Autonomic and peripheral neuropathy... Wore a device for the heart and got the tachycardia … Continue reading Vision quest, answered….now the Brain…

Happy to be able

Sometimes when the brain is not focused on how to deal with pain, nature reminds me to just be happy I can wipe my own ass and think for myself, and not give a rats ass about others opinions... TimesUp#MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember..Margies...innocence... Sgt USAF DAV

Gods caught lying….

As a child, I was born innocent and had no knowledge of corruption, sex, greed, Averroism, envy, hate, bigotry or discrimination... When I became a christian, I learned all of the above... Corruption, Sex, Greed, Averroism, Envy, Hate, Bigotry and most of all Discrimination... because of god... When I died at 13 years old and … Continue reading Gods caught lying….

Good morning from Hawaii

A little sunshine for those ready for spring... It took 10 mins to upload picture... Tomorrow I get rid of cell phone hot spot an get satellite internet... and more pictures of Hawaii to come... Margie....

Experiment over….

Saw my new primary doctor today and told them about the thyroid drug and all I got was... "we are here to advise you, not make you take medication"... thought Mike & I both would have fallen over... with all the hype about taking this kind of medication... When I get low on my medication … Continue reading Experiment over….

Christians are in it for sex an greed…

http://www.facebook.com/6250307292/posts/10158496173557293 Gee how ironic.... And Freda an Peggy believe in these preachers... Makes my story ever so credible.... TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell I Remember... Margie...an every christian that raped her!!! Sgt ZuSAF DAV

Brain Restrictions Bye Bye….

Even I surprise myself in my ability to migrate my thought process in such a way, the transition is smooth if not disturbing to the pattern of life I slipped into... When the Japan beating happened after the Texas beating and stroke... and I started having issues in school with a narcolepsy type situation and … Continue reading Brain Restrictions Bye Bye….

TBI classifications…. laying it out…

Been thinking about this, ever since I saw the neurologist the other day... something he said made such an impression... You have to keep in mind, no pun intended... that I was never told by any living person on this planet... that I sustained a brain injury... I went on the premise of the 2010 … Continue reading TBI classifications…. laying it out…

Internet setup….

Setting up the time for satellite internet... Holy crap on a cracker, never thought I would be excited about the internet... Setup this week and by weekend, I will be knee deep in sites for research... Maybe I can learn how to set this site up the way I want... Lots of brain use, means … Continue reading Internet setup….

Brain Games… I am so good at this…

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly... it's so nice to see you once again.... love that musical... seen it with Lucy, Barbara, Rosalind.... great actress's... but the gist of that whole story... how to use your brain to get what you most desire... for Dolly, it was the man... for me... It's more complicated... I have … Continue reading Brain Games… I am so good at this…

PTSD my lifelong companion….

Ask yourself, would you send a child off into the world, knowing full well they had been brutalized, you gave them multiple severe brain injuries and yet you continued to act like you loved that child for 64 years... are you that good an actor??? Freda & Don Bagwell are and were... Don is dead... … Continue reading PTSD my lifelong companion….

Internet I miss you!!!

The last few days have been one major headache with trying to maintain a signal and reception and make the changes Apple did, work for my set up... so over it... Tomorrow hubby is calling about Hughes net or I think the other one is vasta... regardless... enough... I have work and research to do … Continue reading Internet I miss you!!!