Owning it….

What is IT??? For me… It’s life… I own my life… I own all my screw ups, the few I had and I own slapping my oldest son, in a contest of Wills…. not one of my more proud moments… But… I OWN IT!!!

I think that is what is the hardest about this journey of remembering my first 18 years of life…

My parents and siblings, lack of desire to own their behavior… In fact I cornered Don on this very subject, about a year before he died… He made the following comment…. “I was never abusive to you kids”… I nearly leapt off the couch and shouted, but I didn’t… instead, I raised my head and looked him cold in the eyes and told him…. “What you did, should have locked you away for a long time”… Don dropped his head and would not make eye contact with me after that… shortly there after, Freda came back from the store and my task of sitting with Don was at an end…

I was not asked to sit with him ever again… in fact, when he lay dying, I was not allowed near him, because Freda & Donna were afraid he would tell me the truth and that would ruin their little scheme of keeping the reputation that they didn’t have … That was one town, I made sure nobody knew I was related to them…. the family that is…

Don went to his grave, never owning his cruelty or his lack of humanity… but they sure prayed a lot over that man at his end… and that aha moment hits…

None will ever own their behavior… only because, it does not suit their agendas….

My heart slows and the dawning realization of how very fortunate I am….

I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I have accomplished on this earth… none of the people I mentioned can do that… because they lie, stole, beat, and cheated…Me….

I did none of that to them… Nor did I ever lie… none of them can say that… NONE… and now that is a choice they will always have to live with….

I like my mirror, maybe not the lines and wrinkles smiling back at me or the touch of gray along my face… it may have cost me in the thousands to do what was right and it may have cost me my pride to not lie, steal, cheat or beat my way to Hawaii…  I only had one agenda… live my life and do the best I could and leave no bodies in my wake…

I far exceeded my wildest expectations… and I did it without a god or a god worshipping spouse…

I did it because it was the right thing to do… respect life, even when it does not respect you….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…. who escaped hell and kept her soul intact…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Enjoying the birds…

Myna birds are the funniest creatures and they are vocal and they spook easy… we have parakeets, Cardinals, all kinds of finch’s, hawk and owl as well as a variety of sea birds… and once in a while that ferret that runs wild and kills off those birds…

Wildlife here is not the norm… We have wild pigs and they usually come out at night and people like to drive up and down Makauu street as fast as they can and so far a couple of dogs and several pigs have been murdered by the morons that live here…

In over 49 years of driving… never hit and killed anything except that bug splat on the windshield… but I do pay attention to all going on around me and bought a car that did the job, not for its bells and whistles… that would distract me…

Off in the distance is the barking dogs up on 8th street… all in all we have okay neighbors… not great, if they were great, I wouldn’t have to close up my house when one of the dumb ass’s decided to burn their trash, instead of taking it to the dump… or I wouldn’t have to listen to their brand of music, when I am watching the news on TV… or I wouldn’t have to put up with their chickens on my property, making me have to keep my dogs pinned up, so they don’t taste blood…

So all in all, I guess we have okay neighbors…

I just shook my head on that thought…

I really do want that 20 to 30 acres in the middle of nothing, so the only noise I hear…

When I let loose a good fart!!!

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I Remember… Margie… who never learned love at home…but did learn about bigots…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Beyond my Comprehention….

Do you comprehend everything that goes on in life??? If you do, why are you reading my blog???

Intelligence is only good if it helps, does good and most of all, helps you keep your soul from those hell-bent on condemning it like they did their own….

I do not comprehend religion or those that say, “praise god”??? I mean, what person in their right  mind says, “praise god”… when millions of people were slaughtered in gas chambers and genocide is going on as I write… so how can anyone in their right mind say, “praise god”???? or a god that did so many abortions, we will never catch up to the number this god murdered with floods and hell fire and brimestone… but “praise god”????

And there in lies the conundrum of insanity and those that are using religion as a cover for their crimes and those that are educated but simple-minded and those that are simple minded and not educated…. these people scare the hell out of me for good reason…

They have no ability to reason….

I watch as Trump manipulates and I watch as the Pope manipulates and both men… are men in power that tell you, trust them… they know all, they see all and they did all… but they want you to trust them???

I don’t know about you… but tonight, I hope this cold leaves me alone… I don’t have any nightmares about the very people I mentioned above…. and most of all….

I learn to comprehend why I continue to keep my doors and windows locked at night and make sure my dogs get friendly with only the people who live inside my walls… and that would be the ghost of christmas, past, present and future… Mike & I, I trust… anyone else… not a snow ball chance in hell… why… did you not read the above…???

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I Remember… Margie… who hated being dressed up for Freda’s church games….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Sun still rises…. regardless of you praying for my death….

Last night, not any good sleep… tossed and turned and something that the Norwegian atheist group posted stuck in my mind and that is probably what got me going on my first write of the day… trying to reconcile how it is okay to drown thousand of people and women with unborn children, but a woman or girl can not get an abortion?????? REALLY????

I have no problems cutting my birth family loose… they chose to hide from reality by praying to another human being, that was born on this planet, conceived by a man and a woman… and had the most eloquent ability to talk and get people to believe anything…

Holy Crap on a Cracker… that’s TRUMP!!!!

Insanity by the mass’ is not new on this planet… neither is superstition… nor is ignorance by not vaccinating your children…

It is called free will…

It’s also called INSANITY…..

I watch the news and how the people Trump surrounded himself with have all been busted, some going to prison, more on their way to prison… but people still support him and believe them, only because of….

FEAR… you see, only those who have committed sins or crimes… believe in gods…

No clue what the hell they fear… but words are just that and only have value and meaning… if there is substance…

Sorry, but for me, anyone who buys into anything a Politian says, a religious leader says or a person who profess’ to be of faith says…

You are the ones that I hang the Garlic for… you are the ones I have the Stake & Hammer for… You are the ones I have the Silver bullet for… You are the ones….

I never let in my front, back, side doors, let alone windows or my heart…

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I Remember… Margie.. who only asked Freda, Peggy & Don to own their behavior… instead they hide behind a god that never was… but it makes their brains feel better… You really can not fix stupid… You just can’t….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Murdering Gods??? Really abortion is bad, but Noahs ark was humane??? How many drowned unborn babies killed by god??? Edited…

fredapeggymargie

Notice anything out of the ordinary in this picture… I’ll let you figure it out… but it woke me up at 4AM this morning… thinking about the cruelty of these two people against the little girl who is covered in blunt force trauma fractures and bruises… and just a FYI, that little finger is just as crooked today… no health care for this little girl, whose only mistake, be born into a household that hides behind a god….

A god that drowned the earth and killed thousands, if not millions of women with unborn babies!!!!

Isn’t it nice how the woman cradles the one child as she digs her fingers into the injured arm of the other child…

These two people swear they are christian… they are children of god…. they believe that this god has the right to abuse anyone and everyone… but you can not do the same, unless you believe in this god???

Yep, sleep was short last night… thinking about the millions that have been abused or died at the hands of people like this….

Still waiting for that MRI Peggy…. where is your proof of that infarct you swore you had… how long before you take that knife and slit your own wrists for the abuse you inflicted on your sister????

How long you going to hide behind a god that has never existed… but it sure made it easy for you to abuse and strangle your own sister…

How’s that religion working for you now Freda & Peggy???

Hows that religion filling your heart up now??? Hows that religion solving all your problems that you created yourself, because to have courage…

Just remember Freda & Peggy… I have proof, lots and lots of proof… all you got, your lies… keep at it… and that is all anyone on this earth will remember about you…. your lies…

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I remember… Margie… Who knew that gods don’t murder… but humans do… gods have to exist to commit the crimes that are seen on this child… and thy name be Freda & Peggy!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Life smiles at you…

Squall moving in, power is off an on… Air smells squeaky clean, mother nature smiles after her shower….

The few draw backs for living here, get washed away when nature comes out to play…

Letter in mail today, my primary doctor an appointment… Our remaining time here will be pleasant….

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I Remember…. Margie…. she dreamed dreams over the rainbow….

Sgt USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 9…

It will surprise you what you fear… and your mind will feed that fear if you let it… and you will push reality away and become like the rest… religious…

I chose to stand up to my fear and not let it own me… am I totally free, no, I don’t think we are ever truly free… but we can own more of it, so that it does not own us…

I watched as the family acted out their christian behavior and behind closed doors it was malice, gossip and most of all judgement…

How petty and small their lives truly where and I couldn’t stomach being around them, because I judged… I watched and I gagged…

I told fear, that I didn’t need ancient text to tell me right from wrong…. I told fear, I didn’t need to worry about my soul… it was doing just fine as long as christians kept their claws out of it… they tried, oh my did they try….

I told fear, I wasn’t afraid of the truth and I welcomed it and embraced it and owned it… so that I could own fear….

Owning my fear, is the hardest task I have undertaken… every time I fail, I dust myself off and tell myself, you tried and you didn’t give in or give up… you keep trying…

Fear will always be a part of who I am, without fear, I can not grow and learn… It is fear that protected me, kept me safe and taught me how to not fear… Fear taught me the one thing I needed…

Fear is  a part of life, it will always walk with you, but will own you if you let it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who stood up to the bully in our house…. Freda, mommy dearest…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

I have a RIGHT to be ANGRY!!!

Explosive angry… that only seems to happen when I am hungry… and that is normal behavior…

This pent-up feeling inside me, that makes me want to rip the flesh off the demon that torments me… now that is a whole different kind of feeling and it makes me feel tight inside and it makes me want to look for a way to let the demons out and how do I do that without tearing into another living being…. making me walk on egg shells around people and I withdraw and want to hide and feel remorseful for having so much hate against christians and all religions…. the man-made tool to control the human race…. and I am supposed to feel bad for attacking the morons and the teachings….

Gee I haven’t seen a damn thing in the news on the internet, no place that shows religion has done one ounce of good…. my body shows how much bad they can do and not be held accountable, until now…

Lots of stories are out there… but no proof of any good…. Lots of bodies out their with damage to them from those same religious, trying to force their views and values that are warped, corrupt and most of all lies….

So yep, I still have anger and I have lots of hate…. but it doesn’t take up my every minute of my day or nights…

Nope I reserve that time for good old face book and the knowledge that those who killed me, beat me and raped me… know I am telling on them…

I am finally getting the reputation that they all spread….

I am a tattle tell…

Still waiting for that MRI Peggy…. come on christian, show me your worth… I’ll keep watching the obituary…. because truth has no value to you does it???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knew that god was a tool, and not a human being…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Suicide is painless…. for who, your fake god???

I get so sick of seeing someone on face book post the phone number for the suicide hot line for veterans…

If the damn thing worked, we would not have suicides and we sure as hell wouldn’t be losing kids who have not seen combat…

But…. that happened when I served and they asked for help, just like I did and we got none….

So what makes you dumb ass’s on face book think that suicide prevention hot line does any good???

I served from 77 to 83….. and I know of more than one airman that tried…

1 succeeded… 

I asked for help, and it was more important that the base cover up the rapes and attempted murder at Vance AFB…

It’s not our lives that have any value to the U. S. Government…

It’s their reputation…. and after watching the GOP and Trump and the christians rape America….

You finally get how veterans feel….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who’s only mistake… trust…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I’m Not Supposed to Remember….

I heard the words as I drifted off to sleep, “we were told she wouldn’t remember”…. I asked Freda many times over the years, what happened to me as a child???  I asked Peggy and told her I thought my health issues were related to what happened in that house… and she said, “Live, love and laugh”…. 

Both kept lying all the way up to last year… they both kept lying… I posted the MRI results… showing the severe brain injury… told Peggy where is your proof… that move I call, “Check Mate”… and I have no clue how to play chess….

The thyroid medication messed with my brain for 27 years… even though I am smoking pot, my vision of some memories are so very clear…. there are still some gray areas, that I thought would never see the light of day… so I have hope, more will continue to surface… pushing out of my comfort zone, exposing myself to things, looking for any trigger….

Not a sound from the family dynamic that is watching this little show go down… so many know the secrets and thought how grand to screw with Margie… and they wonder why their lives are the way they are…. I asked for honesty and got so much less…. I walked, the road block is no more…

I am not supposed to remember… and I think that is why they are so scared of the book… I remember so much and the lies they told…. they all took so much… some cry me a river stories, every day life…

But I am not supposed to remember…. Mike is letting me go back into my world, where I use the talent I was born with and I figure it out… and when I am done, I tell him the goal was accomplished… I don’t always get it right… but the failure is part of the learning, it shows me what was false and real….

But I am not supposed to remember…. standing and watching Freda cry over a woman who hated the man she married…. never saw her have true emotion over anyone else, ever…. I was covered from head to toe in bruises, my light so diminished by these christians….

But I am not supposed to remember…. 

Yet I did….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who could leave the world around her and fly….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Gray days…

our resident bug catcher…

our pineapple giving us another treat this year…

Our morning wake up call, feel like I never left basic…

Pure love….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who rescued what an who she could…

Sgt USAF DAV

You can’t fix stupid… I did it again…

I know better…. I know what the consequences are…. But when it happens, it just feels so good….

To eat….

Food and I are not in love, never have been… I eat to live… I am not into fancy foods, rich foods, real spicy foods…. I just try to eat healthy, my way… not the dietitian way… 

Every time I quit smoking pot for a while, I lose that need to watch how much I eat, because my body gives me plenty of signals… but…. If I am getting used to the THC again, and the pot has any kind of stimuli in it… I will eat… I will munch and I know from decades of this… 

Not to do the stupid….

I don’t know who was more miserable last night, me or the dog… both of us wanted access to our thrones…

Heard on the news they are changing out health care coordinators starting in June… so if my health care wasn’t already up in the air… this will ensure it will get lost in the system again… 

But… at least I got the official word on the 2 neuropathy illness…. I got confirmation that my memories were correct about the severe TBI…. don’t know anything else about that except it’s not acute, the area of damage is small and in a brain, can’t imagine any size would not be considered important… but I’m just the patient… sigh…

Trump got schooled by a grandmother who knows a few things about temper tantrums and I hope Nancy keeps the child in line, till elections get here and we can get a real human in the white house… and not a puppet of Putin’s….

Fingers crossed the shutdown did not hurt the courts too much, but I know from my working in the courts… this push’s my case back months and we expect to be here till next year…. could be worse places… and we have lived in those worse places… I’ll take noisy Hawaii…

The up side of the pot, not as impactful with the depression as it was when on thyroid medication… been 10 days since I quit levothyroxine and other than making myself sick last night… I can’t complain….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who fought against the internal injuries…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Head hurts when I go there….

Avoidance…. ignoring the obvious…. talk about anything but what I should… acknowledge Mike is tired of hearing about all of it… He doesn’t know what to really say… Making up excuses and reasons to avoid trying to mend fences…. and most of all ANGER…..

It’s all there, it’s all in my head and sometimes it leaves my lips, but anymore I just write about it… I quit talking to Mike about it as much…

I am taking up the mantle of my old habits…. but instead of my fantasy world I had built and lived in for so many decades…. now what plays before my eyes are the reality of what my life was and has been, because of the corruption of christians…. and I truly do shake my head as I write….

64 years old and I was a prisoner of other people’s worlds, because my world was the one they wanted…. all they had to do, work for it like I did…

My marriages, all but one, I had to fight for the divorce and it cost me, as I roll my eyes upward… money, it cost me and I worked many 2nd jobs while on active duty and raising two kids… I knew my word and bond was all I had in this world that was mine only… yet the gossips said I was out doing so much more… that I will never understand…

I am planning… and preparing… hoping that we will leave here like we plan, but expect to be here as long as we planned… no disappointment… life just going according to plan…

We have one last promise to fulfill and after it is complete, our lives are our own and we can plan accordingly… but still, I avoid what I need to address and I know I must go back into the dark abyss of Freda and Peggy’s minds and write it down… so I am that much closer to putting the first draft of the book together… so many stories and how to approach what seems so much like a Cinderella story… and it is… it’s all mine and if life agrees it is time… 

We will move and I will have what I need… Reliable power source, ours just went out on us twice in a row the past few minutes… reliable internet and most of all, quiet, so I can work and not be interrupted by  noise…

life is funny with how it seems to work out like it should for me and that is only because I never gave up….

Hope….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the silence of the void, her own fantasy land….

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 8…

I have a love hate relationship with music… I love all genres… from Rock to Jazz to a little country and on occasion some classical…

Freda was into classical and Don was into Country….

My music was influenced at first by family, and after the Japan beating, I started selecting what I like to hear, that didn’t cause me discomfort…

As time passed the men in my life impacted those choices and 2 of my marriages definitely impacted my music choices and still do to this day… 

I have America playing in the background the album the History of America… so it’s obvious I prefer the music of the 60’s and 70’s…. Disco was okay, but not my favorite, even though I did perform a couple of shows to that music… we had so much fun….

maggidanceroutine

We performed to Barry Manilow “Copa Cabana” full on skit with guys doing the bar fight… This show was at the Officer’s Club at Vance AFB…. circa 1979…

As I listen to the music, when it first started, it gave me a jolt to my heart… it brought forth memories… I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone of news and science channel and opening back up to the things I walked away from… only because the fear has faded… not gone, it may never be gone… but it doesn’t control me….

The music reminds me of days long gone, when my influence on my children had an impact and life took over and those lessons were gone in a flash…

It makes me look at myself in awe, because of what a child had to endure and still come out on top and have no regrets with the life she has lived… I made mistakes, but there is not a living creature on this planet who has not made mistakes… perfection we will never have, no matter how hard we try….

I know that the psychological part of the fear is something I have to take control of and never let it have a place in me again… it will always be there… and I will continue to make mistakes… 

But I will also continue to grow and as long as I do that… I will live with no regrets…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… kept walking, when fear tried so hard to block the path….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Experiment…pg 7…

No clue how the body does what it does… but I do like learning about its abilities and little tricks…

Been a week since I quit the Levothyroxine… now If I had not started smoking pot at the same time, this would be a moot point, but I did put on 5 pounds and I have been munching my favorite, natural nuts and chocolate chips and I have been eating my meals, instead of the dogs getting them… So I’m going to say the pot is the culprit and it will back off, my body has one thing I haven’t talked about….

Sliding Hiatal Hernia… my stomach slides up and down through the hole in my diaphragm since I was a kid and I contribute that to the beatings, the bone scans showing rib damage, long before I broke 2 ribs… so this is related to the domestic violence… that little back story… I can’t get real heavy… I got up to 190 one time in my life and the worse that happened since that 16 years ago… last years surgery and I was down for 6 months and put on 20 pounds, which I just gained 5 back…

So a little more active and a little less of hand to mouth….

As for my BP shows 125/68 and 116/65 with pulse of 75 this morning after coffee…. that is my military numbers and were my numbers until I went on thyroid medication and the numbers went all over the place…

I thought okay, maybe the neuropathy plays a part and with the head pain, maybe… but I got a feeling that may be my neck damage causing the head pain I feel now… so much I don’t know and that is why PT in a few days, so I can learn to recognize and deal with it, instead of popping a pill, which I did last night… I took 440mg of Aleve liquid gel around 5PM after supper, nothing I did, stopped the discomfort… so I caved and popped pills…

Confusion, none… from the pot, oh you bet you, until my body builds up to having the THC in my system… impacts writing, so that will have to be put aside when I am doing the serious writing… but my reward when I am done for the day with writing…

Pain, yesterday, yep and the Aleve helped, but it made my night miserable… so, I will try to avoid doing that again so late in the day…..

Dreams… yep, after yesterday’s aha moment about the yard stick… I had dreams about that beating and the why… Freda is and always will be mentally imbalanced… that does not excuse the crimes she committed and I hope her last years on this planet are exactly what she deserves….

Vision, no double vision, no kaleidoscope head pain vision and like I said, the pain I have in my head, I think may be related to my neck and PT will tell me that… but no round robin head aches from one lobe to another and the most I deal with, the stupid cataracts I got from being outside in the sun as a kid… if that is what I get for staying out of that house of horrors… at least medicare pays for the surgery and the VA can’t fuck me over on that… Nice I have some say in my health care… I should have listened to the old timers about the VA and its employees…. they knew and I thought, federal employees aren’t all bad… brother and sister… was I ever wrong….

Elliptical gets here next week and this weight I put on will come off fast… and sleep will be better…. after my muscles quit screaming at me to quit… but hubby and I are both looking forward to using it and getting stronger… we have land to buy and a home to build when we get home, where ever that may be… close to little brother sounds like fun…

Can not complain about anything really… If neurology does not happen, it will be a chapter in my book… if the VA does not get me a primary doctor, it will be part of that chapter… Mike has made notes about all he heard and what was said and who I dealt with and who he dealt with… like I always say, document, document… Took on the feds… 6 times and no lawyer… and never lost… I do know how to fight corruption…

Been doing it my whole life… and I am the one who does not believe in gods… but those corrupt sure as hell do…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who got lost gazing at the stars…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memories happen at the weirdest moments…

Watching the circus with Trump and the capitulation he just did to the Democrats…  and a picture of Stone shows up on the screen and I got a flash of a memory and holy cow, I think this is a eureka moment….

WHY

This picture of the swollen limbs, knees, thighs bruised, I mean damn the woman didn’t miss an inch on this baby and what was her weapon of choice…

“A Yard Stick”… one of those old fashion long rulers people used who did a lot of sewing…. and Freda did a lot of sewing, she made most of our clothes till we were teenagers… 

margie

Covered in bruises…

This picture was taken that same time period within weeks of the first picture, you see the dent in the right arm… that is blunt force trauma fracture… in fact, both arms are swollen from blunt force trauma fractures…. the little finger is still broken and as you can tell, I never received any medical care…

but Peggy always did… Peggy always got the best of care and what ever she wanted and what ever she wanted to do…

Ever hear the story of Cinderella…. 

This child lived it… and Peggy wonders why people treat her the way they do… they may not fully remember like I do… but you get treated the way you treat others….

No wonder my adult life has been a fairy tale… I have lived after dying…

From the ashes…. Margie rose….and exceled…. and I got to come along for the ride… it was never a rod that damaged that child that summer after the TV interview… it was an old fashion wooden yard stick, that was swung with hate and enjoyment at the little girl you see above….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the job as a member of the Air Force Honor Guard….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Impact of chemical free marijuana….

I got introduced to Marijuana in the Air Force… I had never done anything, except enjoy a cocktail before I went active duty…. and Vance AFB was well inundated with the green little plant…..

Only one problem, the couple of times I tried it, nothing happened…. and now that I understand my stroke and bleed on the brain, I get why man-made medications impact me the way they shouldn’t and why street grade marijuana gives me nothing…. except a headache….

For as long as I can remember, I told doctors, man-made medications screw with me, even antibiotics can cause depression, so imagine being on a thyroid drug that was famous for depression and 27 years of it, was nearly enough to drive me over the edge… but…

Marijuana came to my rescue… When we moved to Hawaii and got our license, we learned real fast, certain strains are not good for me… anything that is sedative in nature, we stay away from… For me it is about the constant non stop pain I have lived with since this beating….

margie

Covered in bruises…

I was only five and the finger is still broken and the bone scans show lots of skeletal damage… now that I know what they saw, the scans and the doctors comments make sense….

Good old pot, I needed it for pain and stimuli… why, well duh look above and stimuli, because I have always known I have issues with motivation, now that I know about the brain injuries… duh… but it still impacts my everyday life and that is why my pot has to be chemical free and Mike does a good job, sterile dirt, special fertilizer and all 100% natural…

The pot does not always work, and I know I need help with PT and that appointment is coming up soon and they will teach me what I need, so I can do it at home… now staying on the elliptical might be a challenge, but wall on one side and pain on the other… focus… just stay focused… I hope…

Been off the thyroid drug a week, no confusion except for the buzz from the pot and that will pass after a few days smoking and it’s back to normal, or what I call normal… well maybe slightly mad insane type environment…

Ya just never know… but with Trump playing politics with people’s lives and it is going to impact all Americans except the rich… what comes next and when…

May just be a dream on the wind…. I always have hope things will work out… it is what kept me alive… Hope….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to watch the wind blow…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 7…

Fear played a big role in my life after the Texas beating, near death and stroke at 13… It would form the person I am today….

It would cause me to make decisions, that I knew would turn out the way they did, but because I feared the other course or direction it would have taken me, I gave into fear….

It didn’t always have full control… I did make a comment after we got to Japan and that left me with another brain injury… but in my heart or deep in my brain, I knew if I gave into the bullying by Freda or Peggy, I lost… I lost everything and they had already taken so much…

They took my childhood to keep their deep dark secrets, so that the little towns they live in, people might not think of them in the way I do… they will fool the people into believing they are good and kind, when their souls are black as the abyss of the ocean…

Fear played a part in my 6 marriages…. all before the age of 40…. Fear played a part in my military career, I thought I needed a man in my world… I was so wrong on that one…

Fear played a part in my health care, by not standing up for myself and believing what the college educated and federal employees said as they put negative comments in my VA medical records…. the kind of comments that tells someone they have no worth… that is why I have no use for federal employees….

Fear played a part in many ways… and when I stood up to that fear and put it in its rightful place… the toilet…

Things changed… the nightmares, became dreams and those dreams became memories and the face of fear that I carried with me for so long, faded away like mist in the night… all because I feared… Being alone….

Fear does not control my world, I am happy when I am alone, I enjoy my time, free of all the drama that goes on outside my world… I told my sons this is the rule of the land, if you can not live by it, than live outside it…. I do not fear not having contact with my blood… I do not fear the night, when I am alone…

I took my fear and owned it…. it no longer owns me… my world, my rules, my life… I own it… no one else… just me….

TimesUp #MeToo  WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who refused to be bullied into believing in gods…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Word Press and it’s weird algorithm…edited…

Word Press was the best rated when I decided to pursue this writing thing, but their algorithm is a little bit of a conundrum living here in my little spot on Hawaii, only because I do not have internet… Just a cell phone hot spot…

That being said, this is my problem…

I just started following a writer and I read the stuff they write and try to like it and that is via the email I get… but it takes me to their blog… 

Well I noticed someone liked several of my writings, but it didn’t show that they had actually viewed them??? So that leaves me wondering, how can you like something, if you don’t know what it is… and that aha moment happened, but I could be so wrong too…

You can actually like something on Word Press, but not necessarily read it and that is what I always call, “Lip Service”… much like what christians do or Trump as a matter of point…

In other words there is no substance to the “Like” mechanism on word press, because you really are not being read???

I know with my hot spot set up, I can not always get into reader on WP, but I can read the email of someone I am following, but I had to go into the reader, to see if my “Like” or “comment” actually posted…..

For 64 years I got lip service from the very people who did all they could to take my life and steal my soul… and when I put evidence out their for them… they disappeared, because the fake world they built around their lies, crumbled….

It does make me take pause and consider what I am doing by bearing my soul to the world to expose christians for what they are…. and for some reason…. Lying or being Fake is the number one thing they hide behind…

Which is why I don’t usually read other people’s work, because If I take time out of my day to read what someone wrote, I am honoring that person and the time they took to tell their story…

Maybe I am just old-fashioned and believe that honesty and integrity should be what comes from a person’s soul and not what they think others want or should do…

But what their heart, mind and soul tells them is right….

Maybe I am being over critical or maybe I am just looking for the real humanity that once walked this planet before people decided that the only way they can face the real world… Is hide behind religion or faith, so that the true nature of the person is hidden away…

My writing, is none of the above… 

It is truth, it is honest and most of all it is free of the misconception that I need to hide from the world because of mans god they made to make people like me stay quiet…

I am woman, telling a story … and just maybe, Margies story will really be heard and not viewed as eye candy to make a few minutes in your day go by…

It takes humanity, to know humanity… and we have so little of that left… I know, I got attacked for my opinion and was told it was wrong and that their opinion held more sway than my knowledge and experience… and when I heard those words from a DNA cousin…

I knew I was dealing with a bigot… Bigotry comes in all forms, sizes, colors and sex’s and it all hides behind the guise of christian behavior that some will deny… but will die by…

Today Mike is checking to see what DISH internet would costs us… with the shut down, my court case will be delayed and we already know it will be 2020 or 2021 before we leave Hawaii…

Maybe that will make my time on-line more suitable for Word Press and the other things I have interest in… but it could be out of my price range too and I will be stuck with what I have used for the last 3 years… hopefully today we will get that answer and my knowledge of how word press works may grow…

Yep, no service where we live with DISH… we are stuck with the cell phone hot spot… 21st century, and I am using a phone for dial up internet via the cell phone… I do so miss real good technology… think I am just a bit spoiled… so assumptions I have about this site, will continue… at least they fixed a couple complaints I had… but the internet, that is out of all our control… maybe someday this area will get real internet… maybe…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…. who participated in only those things she could give her attention to and not lip service…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Reminding myself the whole purpose of this journey….

Stress used to do me under, make me bitchy beyond belief and I tell you straight up, my mouth would make mommy dearest proud…. and it has been that way since about 2000, about 7 years into thyroid medication…. and what a ride that drug has and was… but never again….

Every wall I hit, be it medication that doctors think I need to be on, without understanding how said drugs impact the brain and in turn, turns a human being into something they are not…. been there, done that…. and I think we are into 6 days of not taking levothyroxine…. 

Other than being on cloud nine with the thought process, I feel fine… so I might have, maybe should have waited a couple of weeks before I started smoking pot again… but to late… no going back… besides, it makes living on a busy street, where assholes make sure you know they drove by….. we planted more trees, but it will be next year before they have any impact… it is amazing how fast stuff grows here on Hawaii…..

After I had a long talk with myself, cried on my shoulder about not having a primary… recognizing… I do have knowledge and training… it is what saved Mikes life after the ER missed it…

I have taught him what he needs to know if I do have a stroke or heart attack… other than falling off the elliptical, which we do have a deal… pillow, blanket and water and you get back up off the floor on your own at your own pace, as long as you are breathing… so that is our deal…

I just need to remind myself, I have made excellent progress on this road to letting Margies story out… 

I recognize my triggers and deal with them in a different way… I no longer am freaked over my brain, like the last doctor said… it is just a small area of damage to my brain… and my jaw drops to the ground… but knowing no clots or fistulas or anything bad… it just means I could get dementia because of the stroke… I could get a lot of things… 

After 64 years on this planet and being a productive adult who contributed to the system…. It’s really not all bad… anything can happen and crystal ball none of us have…

So instead of beating myself up for walking away from the last doctor and have hope that the medical community on Hawaii has integrity… after the Neurologist… if everything is fine… 

I am good If I do not get another primary while living here… I am informed and I am the one that diagnosed myself and got the last doctor to get those things officially recognized… so progress I have made, though I have been blocked by the professionals on so many levels…

They can’t take Margies genius from her… Freda and Don couldn’t… neither could Jesus’ or any god, nor can those that swore a oath to DO NO HARM….  

yep that weed is really good… just let loose a bitch…. 

The next 24 hours should be interesting….if Tri-west calls or not about a doctor…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who tried to get the college educated to listen many, many times…they still do not…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Smoking Pot and this journey, oh dear….

Mike harvested a plant a few weeks back and we just tasted it the last couple of days and I see a pattern in my writing and a feeling of anxiousness… and the aha moment happened after I took my BP, which was totally normal 124/68 both sides… but, my heart rate, which is usually low 70s to 80’s… but not the last 48 hours…. and yep, you got it…

The pot is giving me a boost of stimuli, which I have to adjust to, and recognize it… so I can get the heart to not race, been down this path before…. and the pot is giving me a touch of paranoia…

So we grew what I wanted, but I forgot its hangups, until I am used to the smoke again… been off for a few months… any how…

It explains the bitchy writing about health care today and anxious feeling and the rest is, sit here an giggle, cause the pain is very tolerable… but the side effects of the weed, means I should stay home, till I am used to the drug in my system….

I kid you not… be it natural, pot, like ours, no chemicals, sterile dirt…. everything to make it safe for me… and my brain will crap on me every time, till it gets used to it….

Still no bitchy behavior, though I did get cranky when a dumb ass driving up Makauu  at 7:30AM with his noise so loud, you could hear it a half a mile a way… we had just got back from our walk and my mouth let off a hee haw, and my vocal chords do carry… we think they heard me say “thank you stupid for coming into my home”!!! so yep, just a hair cranky…..

If the VA has no doctor for me, not that big of a deal… I have medicare and ER’s are useful and I never have stepped in one, unless it was bad… so hopefully Trump gets his head out of his ass and the courts can get back to work and my check shows up this year and we can plan our move…. and I can slip quietly back into the old system I used at home… where I know I will get good care… and so will hubby….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…. who loved whiskey sours at the Naha NCO club….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Note to self…

That new monitoring device has picked arrhythmia multiple times and this time I manually monitored the heart rate and when it got up to 110, it kept climbing while I am in bio feed back mode, so out of my control, with me just sitting it was time to try the old push out move to make the heart settle into a normal rhythm….. for those who do not know what that is…

If you have a heart rate, when you are just sitting and not excited about a movie or jokes or caffeine stimulant and your heart rate goes over 110 and keeps climbing… we told our patients to act like they were on the toilet and push and for women, just like having a baby… both actions exert energy and somehow slows the heart… and that is all I remember from my schooling… I wasn’t that far into school, when I got out of the Air Force…

Anyhow that worked and within 5 mins, my heart rate was normal… I got to say, looks like for sure, I got the family curse with some kind of heart disease other than the tachycardia thing…

Hopefully that elliptical I ordered, will help me build up my strength and strengthen what ever is getting weaker… still waiting on a call about a new primary care provider…

If I don’t get one, it will definitely be a chapter in my book about Hawaii & the VA… which I haven’t had anything nice to say anyway… still waiting for dental implants, had to make an emergency visit to my dentist Tuesday to buy me time till they approve the molars… either way, it will cost them…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… never remember her missing her front teeth…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 6…

I will never fully forget my time on Okinawa… only because… I made memories and I remember them all…. from Okinawa, outside the house I existed in…

As for the other memories, I have never remembered any more than I know right now… Ever… the memories that I have recovered are the memories I always known about, but buried them so I could cope with the reality of christians beating their kids to death and corrupting their children in the process… and sadly every one of my siblings… took that path…

I was so very fortunate, because of what the gift of life gave me… my brain and my desire to live free of bigotry, hate and most of all, free of religion… how sad that is the issue in America after so many centuries of wars over nothing more than a human that had a silver tongue and those in power, made the world based on that corrupt ideology…

Yes… I fought hard to keep my soul from the evil of this earth and thy name be…. religion…. that is the true satan on earth… no other….

I left home as soon as I could after we left Okinawa…. Tried my hand at being a nanny and found out fast… motherhood was not a good idea for this woman….

I went on to work in a dinner on the graveyard shift in Livermore, back in 72…. stayed with granny for that time… the woman who knew everyone’s secrets… I smile as I think of her….

Even tried retail, working at Macys… I found I didn’t like being treated like a lackey or peasant I guess is the best word…

I was raped and got pregnant… I believe we all have the right to choose… I had no choice, but to give birth and raise the child… 

I met a guy we married, but very short-lived marriage… he was leaving for basic for the Air Force and we had a party the night before he left and he decided…. he needed to try him some foreign terrain and dipped his wick where it should have never gone….

It took me a couple of years to get the divorce… In the mean time I meet a cute guy who is active duty and he’s going to a remote site in Italy… in a little town of Colle’ Isarco, probably spelled it wrong… and he asked me to go with him… and of course, always ready for an adventure, I took my child and went to Italy….

It was an interesting experience and I had misguided feelings for the man… and during a major earthquake while camping on the flight line with other families… I go pregnant, again…. I had already been told, childbirth was not for me… but here I go again….

By the time the baby arrives, I had my appendix taken out at 6 months… 2 months after giving birth I was married to his daddy and I was on my way to Lackland AFB for basic training….

During many of the above events there are many funny and sad stories… but the one constant…

The way I handled each crisis…. The pregnancies… for me, and what I have read agrees, my body was full in for the babies… but my brain wasn’t… It was a constant war and that is another story…

Each time I had difficulties, dealing with my first husband, I did most of that by phone and not in person… there was my first barrier of protection….

The next time… I did it in writing and I knew when that happened, one day I would write… but again, I put barriers up with each of those actions and the people had to come around to my way of thinking for things to work how they wanted, If I was to stay in the picture…

And both men did and it still all ended… by this time it had been 11 years since the stroke and bleed on the brain…. 1967 to 1978 and I knew nothing about anything except the measles and mumps that Freda told me about…

Every time I called and asked… I shake my head as I write… I asked so many, many, many times… she said the same thing… “Nothing happened to you while you were a child, just measles and mumps”…

That MRI from the 26th of Dec 2018 says differently…. and the flight or fight mode was still so active until recently…

It walked with me, it owned me, it controlled me…. its name….

Religion….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who got baptised twice and still they beat upon her body and took her life, but she kept her soul… she won the battle Nov 7, 2017….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Heart beat pulse seen in my eyes… by me… wow….

We were out doing our mile and a half and I was telling Mike how, I had been in the throne room and all of a sudden I could see my pulse in my eyes… actually feel the eye move because of the pulse…

Now do I have a memory of this happening before, ya know, I do not off the top of my memories… but that doesn’t mean a memory won’t come forward, so I really have no answer at this time…

I did research it and lo and behold, it would make sense that my eyes are not getting the oxygen rich blood they need and that is because of the diastolic pressure on it return or going, didn’t really understand what I read, so I will have to go back and do more research on this subject… but….

When I took my vitals this morning, I did get a warning and request for that measurement on my right side to be redone and it came back ll6/64 but my pulse was down in the 50’s… and the tachycardia or arthymia did show up….

Is it all connected… good question… I have an eye exam in a couple of weeks and I intend to bring up the stroke and all the other symptoms… at least no one can screw with the appointments I set up myself…

Still no call from neurology and Mike told me, after he saw the guy, he gave him my blog info, because he had told the guy, I got my memories back… that was at the very beginning of my journey and someone local has been reading my blog from the begining… funny how this application lets me know … so the man knows how important it is I see him… and if anyone cancels this appointment and he allows it… wow… ego all the way and just enforces my god complex with the professionals that are not professional….

There will definitely be an investigation… too many combat vets get this kind of treatment and suicide always happens…

It’s not the veterans that are at fault, it is the college educated god syndrome I talk about… I have seen it for over 40 years and it cost lives, but proving it… you must have lots of documentation and when I talked with Tri-west last week, and twice this week, I brought up that neurology appointment and how important it was for IT NOT TO BE CANCELLED!!!

Like I always say, document and have the insurance document and the ladies I talked too… 2 of them did just that, the other employee had such a strong foreign accent, she didn’t do her job on MLK day when I talked with her, because the employee I talked too on Tuesday, did make sure to document the issue that may arise with no primary and this neurology appointment…and that call was about the Monday call….

So what has this to do with the pulse being seen in my eyes from the inside out… more research, more reading… but what little I did read and comprehend…

It means possible heart disease, so that is not news to me, it runs in the family and why we bought an elliptical, so when it’s hot, I get my exercise in… I don’t seem to tolerate humid hot weather and the feel in the air, is like it was on Okinawa, when we had a miserable hurricane season and drought… thankfully, I am well prepared for that now… it’s called air conditioning….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who said what she thought and watched as others tried to figure out what she meant….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Hawaii… the land of unprofessional doctors…

I called this last week to confirm my appointment with the Neurologist Dr. … and I have yet to get a phone call back saying my appointment is on the books… Made sure I left a very clear message with my name and phone number…. and my phone has not rang… Not once from anyone at that facility… sigh… But show up there I will, because I have a paper from Tri-West, saying the appointment is on the books…

I did the same with Ohana counseling… I called twice, the first time was with the answering machine and I left a detailed message, the 2nd time I talked directly with an employee… Both times I made sure they knew who I was and what I needed…. I never got a call back… FYI Mike witnessed both phone calls….

When we arrived here in 2016, I contacted the Hilo VA and got a very rude young african american employee and that behavior continued when I walked in the facility…. and when I went in for my blood work at that facility, which was late morning and I had to be fasting… after 45 minutes and I did check in with the kiosk device… I was never acknowledged that I was even there or why I had been waiting so long… I left, because I was crashing, with no food in my body… we left and got me something to eat immediately… I never went back in the facility…. and I have had one woman in the department that deals with travel, left me stranded at the Airport at Oahu… made for a very difficult morning… and rich I am not for $80 in taxis…

My first doctor, fired me that I hired, she is the doctor my husband uses… only because to get one on the island is already hard enough and she does the job he needs… and I monitor her effectiveness with his health care…

The 2nd doctor I hired at the Family clinic, the office manager fired me as a patient…

I have no clue what to think about health care here on the Big Island of Hawaii… but, I can not recommend Hawaii if you need health care of any kind…. and if you love roosters, barking dogs and banging music from vehicles at all hours and rude people that will run you over in the stores with their carts… this is the place for you…

The only decent care I have gotten since we moved here… our dentist and he is fantastic and he takes care of kids too… and he saw me on short notice Tuesday… excellent doctor…and the surgeon on Oahu….

Health care is about doing “NO HARM”…. but not on Hawaii….That isn’t what they think on Hawaii, when it comes to patients standing up for their rights…

I know you can get black balled in the VA health care system… I experience it daily with the people I have to deal with here on Hawaii, when I have to call and talk to any of the federal employees…. Cory at the Hilo VA is the only employee to be professional and helpful…. explains why I am not empathic towards what is happening now… but the VA is not impacted… they are funded… but still thousands of rude vulgar ex veterans, working in the system and they make everyone’s lives hell…

If you have kids and they want to join the military…. Go in with the knowledge, you will get piss poor care while active duty… I am walking proof of that and you will get piss poor care if you have to deal with the VA… I am walking proof of that….

And I still do not have a new primary provider… and they have till Friday to do it… and If I don’t get one… not much I can do about it… the cholesterol drug is the only one I might need, maybe… that thyroid drug and the brain, could be the cause of lots of wrong blood work… but that is what the professionals are for, to figure that out…

Mike has already contacted his lawyer’s office and they are working on getting me an ex JAG lawyer that will take my case… and If I die… you can bet an autopsy will be performed… though I think that thought process is a little premature… I intend to out live everyone that has gone out of their way to make my life miserable… neaner… neaner…

FYI… got out of bed and my vitals, BP, you know supposedly elevated when getting out of bed… mine was below the threshold for hypertension… and that was minutes after getting out of bed… so what I have said about thyroid medication for the last 26 years…

WAS RIGHT!!!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who refused to back down from any bullying, no matter who the fucker was!!!

SGT USAF DAV

 

 

My Identity for the book….

This is my identity for the book…. we will see how well it is accepted…. but my girlfriends and cousins… they came up with the name…. and I like it… it fits….

img_20190123_0009

img_20190123_0010

It’s a start… just like all things, got to start at some moment in time….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who fell in love with writing…

Sgt USAF DAV

Brain Injuries and the Triggers I Left as Clues…

I was talking about how I was unlocking the memories I buried so very long ago and what triggers I put in place to guide me back to the light of Margie….

It also explains, why my younger years, those memories were just everyday memories and I have most of that time back… the triggers were actually put in place after the Japan beating… and for a kid with little to no education, except what I read in books… I was way ahead of my age or knowledge… and that speaks volumes for the IQ my brain has… It is what kept me alive all these years….

After the Japan beating, and the violence backed off, except for the mouthes Don & Freda had… life was reasonably normal… except… that is when I started having real bad dreams…

I know I had bad dreams before Texas, because of a memory associated with one of my stories… as the stroke incident and brain bleed happened, I knew something was wrong in my head… and I started a practice of running through the memories that I thought were important… didn’t understand why I thought I should do this and really that is the way my whole life has been… I listened to my instincts and followed them… and I reasoned and logic it out… something I usually do, not always, I do have impulsive behavior on occassion…That left me with focusing on the memory of the TV interview and I did remember that one in great detail…. it was connected to the first severe beating at age 5…

margie

Covered in bruises…

Lots of blunt force trauma fractures this beating… just because I told the truth about Peggy on TV…. the little finger is malformed now and needs surgery, so I try not to aggravate it, 59 years later….

This is what I mean about clues… I left myself a way to remember the horror, without having to live it daily in my waking mind… I just didn’t get the fact that the nightmares would be my punishment for doing it this way… I get it now….

The same goes for the boob incident, and the near death in Texas or Japan….

Every time Don & Freda hurt me or Peggy was involved… I took my memory of before and after and tagged them, so I would know that it was my memory and not a story someone told to bury the truth…

I still marvel at a young teenager taking on this and still making it through life, without taking said life…

The horrors are many from that household… the stories twisted and so bizarre, even I have a hard time accepting them… but real they are, and lived them I did… and that is why I work so hard outside my comfort zone….

So Margie will be heard….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who grew old in the womb….

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fears Walks With You… pg 5…

Flight or fight… I really hate that one mechanism we all have… for some, they never overcome the flight mode and will turn and never stand up against anything… even if it means their life… the mind can be our own worse enemy…. and after the Japan beating… that is exactly where my brain and body went to… until….

Nov 7, 2017…. but that is another story….

How does it feel to live in constant state of anxiety and no one recognizes the symptoms, not even all the mental health professionals I saw, from 1977 to 2010… Not one caught the fact that I was in that mode… my blood work didn’t show me having an abundance of cortisol in the blood stream, the doctor tested me at El Paso VA in 2010 or at least before 2013…. 12 full tubes of blood over a 4 hour test session…. so how did I cope, with living in a psychological war of fight or flight for so long… that is what this page is going to speak of…

After we got to Okinawa, I started making memories… We had to stay in a hotel, while waiting for base housing… So Peg and I got a room just down the hall from Freda & Don and the 3 little siblings… Want to know how to save money and make ends meet… Freda could cook any meal in an electric skillet and feed all of us, she even made David’s birthday cake in the electric skillet….

We moved to Naha after the holidays and I have a picture of base housing that I have posted before… but here it is again…

Jim Yettman Okinawa 1972 - Copy

These were some guys I knew that were Vietnam bound… Anyhow, things were quiet for a time and I still walked with fear… always watching myself, even though I had lost so many years by that time and the Japan beating was a few years old… and I do remember high school and I was a terrible student as far as my grades go, so I think the stroke had that impact and lack of motivation to do the work… and I was very bored and a teacher did touch me inappropriately… so I didn’t have much going for me to help me deal with all I had been through… but, that one little word… I was making memories…

By the summer of 71, things had been quiet for our household… no major fights, in fact, life had settled down to what some would call a normal behavior pattern…. I spent my time burning up dad’s lawnmowers, cutting other people’s yards, babysitting and most of all having fun dating GI’s… men in uniform… I never had any interest in kids my age… like I have said before… I was born old… and now I am old….

But the fight or flight wasn’t a big deal… and I remembered, I always had something to say and 9 times out of 10… it pissed off the parents… but those buttons were so easy to push… all about body language and I do like studying people….

The time passed, and I got involved with school activity and got raped by one of Don’s Airman… and wanted to quit the activity and Freda would not let me, because she was friends with the mother that ran the activity… I never mentioned the rape… I knew Don would kill the airman and that would be the end of his military career and who knew where we would end up….. but, there is a story hidden in here…..

The summer of 71, I was hanging with some guys and one of them I named my oldest son after… he was a great big brother… hope he and his wife had lots of kids and family after he left Vietnam…. So these guys would meet me at the bowling alley on Saturday morning, I was in a junior league and by this time I am 17 years old and like I said making memories…. and that mouth of mine with a quick remark was in full gear…

As I was leaving the house, Don and Freda were arguing and as I walked by, I made a comment and the next thing I know I am picking myself up off the floor and as I turn to leave the house I looked at Don and told him…. “Ever lay a hand on me again and I will kill you”…. as I walked out the door Freda said…. “Don you shouldn’t have done that”…

And the flight or fight mode took root and grew….. and it continued to grow for decades…. From 1971 to 2017… that flight or fight mode has been an integral part of me….

I have been told I have crazy courage, because of how I handle things during a time of life or death…. at one time I would have said it was just my training for how to handle emergencies…. that wasn’t true….

I was in survival mode after that blow in 1971…. and as I walked away to go to that bowling alley… I knew something was wrong, but too ignorant to comprehend it… I was losing my childhood memories with every step to that bowling alley at Naha AFB…. I was losing my siblings… I was loosing my fear and I was loosing Margie….

All with the final blow any human on this planet has ever done to Margie… that last blow to my head in 1971…. finished the job of taking my childhood with it…. and I allowed it to happen and I took those blank pages and rewrote my childhood, in such a way…

It took me decades to clear the chalk board of the fantasy world I built, so I could survive and tell Margies story….

We left Okinawa a year later and there are many stories to tell of our time, someday I will….

When we arrived back on the mainland and we are being taken to Uncles house, I made a comment on the ride and Freda in the back seat says you want to get slapped and my auntie Pat said to Freda, she’s 18 isn’t she and Freda goes yea… and Pat says, do you want to go to jail???

And I turned and looked Freda in the eyes and smiled that evil grin she had given to me so many times in my first 18 years on this earth….

Check Mate… the journey continues…

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I Remember… Margie… and her ability to mimic Freda… which pissed Freda off to no end….big grin on my face…..lol

Sgt. USAF DAV

Life Continues and I am Still Learning…

If nothing else, I have learned to quit listening to the college educated doctors I have dealt with since my time in the military when I worked with doctors and my part-time job at St. Mary’s hospital working on the ward and ER….

I have learned to listen to me first, let the doctors have their input and only when that happens do I agree or disagree with the ego of the god complexed doctors….

I have on so many occasions brought up, to my primary medical doctors and even to the endocrinologist I saw at El Paso…. and still none of them really did the job, until I proved I was right and they were so very wrong… about these damn thyroid drugs…

In the meantime the damage that thyroid medication did to my life, my personal life and to my health… there just isn’t any excuses these college educated kids can come up with that justifies the hell I have been living since being put on thyroid medication in 1993…which I think is the year the civilian doctor I had in Omak, started this journey through hell… but we didn’t know about the brain injuries…. 

But… that one little word…. I did start voicing my concern about this medication as early as 2003 when we moved to Mena, to be near Don, when I knew he was already dying… that is when I brought it up to the VA and I just kept being told I didn’t know what I was talking about and they referred me to mental health… okay that line just made my heart start racing because now I am so pissed for being ignored and the god complex medical side were beyond ignorant!!!

No one sent me to Neurology!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have zero brain confusion or fog… I have had once in a while head discomfort, that last seconds instead of hours or days or months…. but no pain and I have had no need to take anything for my pain… and yesterday, after a long day of doing errands and seeing the dentist and not getting home till our supper time… my shoulders were tight and painful and I did the exercise with the ball in my back to rub out the tension… sat with a heating pad on my back and on Hawaii, where it’s always warm, I have been using that heating pad after I lay in bed and turn it off, before I dose to slumber land….

It will never cease to amaze me, that the medical community in America forgot the biggest lesson out there… DO NO HARM and learn to listen and most of all hear what the patient is trying to convey… and my last doctor didn’t do that, in fact she made statements that were false and really that is the catalyst as to why I fired her…

Being an informed patient in America is your only hope to ensure you get the quality and proper health care and if the college educated have an issue with you being informed… walk away and get a doctor that will listen…

NO ONE KNOWS YOUR BODY, BETTER THAN YOU…. NO ONE!!!!!!!

So I will enjoy my day, already did my power walk and my BP numbers barely went up… yesterday I ordered a real nice nordic track elliptical, which will arrive at Sears in a couple of weeks… both hubby and I are looking forward to making use… both of us want to be able to enjoy our great-granddaughter and great-grandson when we get home… and that is looking more and more like we will be buying lots of acreage… only because…

We both long for that peaceful time away from the noise and hustle and bustle of life… that was the reason I bought a new Toyota 4 runner… so we could live in the middle of no where….

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I Remember… Margie… who loved to pay outside, anyplace away from the every day hell she lived….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Experiment… pg 6

Actually got some sleep last night…

As for the BP numbers, got out of bed and mine were in normal range… So yeppers that damn thyroid drug did more than make my life hell since 1993…. it stole from me on so many levels… and doctors just would not listen…. and I am so tempted to put names in my book, but lawsuits are spendy and ugly and I really hate court…. and I have been the plaintiff every time and won… but I still hate it…

Tachycardia is there, but it seems to only happen when I get excited… do I think that is connected to the brain, that is science that is out of my knowledge and I plan to ask the neurologist in a couple of weeks…

Ya know the guy, the neurologist is I think a Psychologist Neurologist… in other words he studies the brain and the psychological impact it has… that is all well and good, but I am done with psychology… It let me down for over 40 years and I only met one doctor worth his salt… and that was El Paso, and the guy was murdered by a patient… that man used his brain… most of the rest are to biased and wrapped up in their own demons and this guy I am seeing, his body language told me volumes when I went with hubby for his appointment… yep, I got the same dude and that is why we think I will piss him off in the first 5 minutes… should be an interesting experiment… lol… you should see my grin right now….

So as far as the experiment goes… as the Levothyroxine leaves my body, I should get better sleep and I should have normal BP, even after exercising… it rarely ever went up, even after cardio exercises…. but I think that is because I worked so hard to keep from having that heart beating out of my chest feeling, since I live with feeling the organ so much of my waking time….

I am happy with the experiment… Depression, bitchy behavior and being able to tolerate the dumb ass employees of HPP coming into my home with their music and the other bangers that go up and down Makuu street, just might make being here tolerable till we can afford to leave… and their just went a hint of tachycardia and I did drink 2 cups of coffee and it is gone….

Unless something happens that needs documenting… this is the end of the experiment documentation….

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I Remember… Margie… and her love of the Nancy Drew mysteries… Hardy boys too…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You….pg 4…

Living off base was not fun, it was a paper-thin, typical Japanese home and with that many of us living in it, it was crowded… the house sat at the base of the hill and up behind us, was the High School…. though I have only 1 memory from that school….

Once we moved on base, I guess things were relatively quiet…. except for Freda’s mouth… which she used every 4 letter word out there… she was more colorful than a sailor and I dated a couple of sailors…

One girl I knew in high school, who I am friends with on face book, remembered me and sadly I still do not remember her and I think we might have been best friends, which for me, would be very rare… I trusted no one….

She told me once that we had decided to go see a movie and I think the movie was 2001 Space Odyssey…. she doesn’t remember what we saw, she said we saw many… this movie is the only one that imprinted on me from that time on Japan…. as we were leaving the house, Freda had wanted me to babysit my siblings…. and my friend says I turned and told Freda, Peggy could babysit and kept on walking…. even though I have no memory of this, I wish I had… because I guess Freda went off on a tirade of language you weren’t allowed to use in base housing…. I mean come on, by that time Peggy was 14 and capable of watching the kids…. at least 1 time in her miserable short life…

I remember my 16th birthday party and that is the only birthday I have any memory of while living in that house or horrors… David bought me a bottle of Tabu perfume and I kept that bottle for years… it really stunk, but he was so proud of the gift… Peggy bought me a necklace that was a shelac walnut half… wow…. but that could be the birthday I got the necklace with a pearl in a cage… it matters not…

While we lived there I started dating, I was not allowed to date till I was 16… can’t speak for my sisters, they all got pregnant and had to get married as teenagers… so I guess I was the only one who didn’t sin… don’t ya just love hypocrites…

I know the parents interfered with the relationship I had… and he was a hunk, very good-looking and as sweet as could be…

As best I can tell from the memories I have recovered… the violence stopped after the beating, when we got to Japan, because they nearly killed me again… 

At least now, I understand why I get depression for no reason what so ever… the stroke injury is that culprit and I am learning to acknowledge the depression and it usually will just melt away…

It hit while I was in the shower and 30 minutes later… I am just tired and ready for that big bed… It has been a long day of remembering… and not all of it was pretty….

We left Japan and headed to Okinawa in the fall of 70 if I remember right and that is where we will pick up with the last bit of violence and start the journey to finding me….

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I Remember… Margie… who loved old movies….

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You… pg 3

Life was never the same after the Japan beating…. As I recovered from another brain injury and my suspicion is, this is when the bleed on the brain happened, because of the symptoms I had after the beating…

Also Freda was going out of her way to be nice and it was sickly sweet behavior, which gags me to this day… consummate actress, but she could never fool me….

As I recovered from that injury, she started working on a poncho that was corduroy, with a white fake fleece type lining and it was butt ugly orange… I hate orange colors to this day…

It was a gift to me, for what she had caused by her hate for me or just being bat shit crazy, you choose….  and it was all I had to wear in those winters on Japan…. Peggy envied that poncho and wanted it badly… and she went out of her way to try to get under my skin after the beating and I just ignored her… and played the game I needed to play to survive…

On more than one occasion Freda would go to the commissary which is a military grocery store and I would ride with her up that long winding road up the hill and she would drop me off at the Library… and every time… she would drive right past me as she left the base in the dead of winter with several feet of snow on the ground and all I had to wear was that ugly poncho and paten leather cheap shoes…

It would take me a half hour to an hour to walk down that slippery road with no side walks or street lights, hoping the books I had under the poncho wouldn’t end up on the ground ruined and I would be in trouble for that….

When I walked in the door of that house, the first words out of Fredas mouth, “Where the Hell you been”… I would stare at her coldly and say, waiting for you at the library… she would cackle and an evil grin would come across her face… I knew, she had hoped I would die on that dangerous walk down that hill…. She did this too me twice… after that, I never went to the library unless someone else went with her so she couldn’t use the excuse, she forgot…..

Life is like a box of chocolates, you take a bite out of a nut and you never know what will happen next… but I did… What I told baby brother as Don lay dying…

The woman you know, is not the woman I know… and the same went for Peggy….

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I Remember… Margie… who hates the color orange….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Vengeful Thoughts…

As a typical human, revenge pops into the thought process, without question we all do it… or you are not human… Does not matter what the catalyst is, inanimate object you stubbed your toe on or another human hell bent on impeding your progress…

You just sometimes want to repay the treatment you received…

Psychology is a fascinating subject and not one the pros always get right…only because we all have our demons, including the doctors….

What I have never been able to understand, why humans support rapist, liars, thieves and most of all religion, when it is 100% pure evil???

My conclusion… you will always support that which will help you hide your true nature….

I support atheism and free speech and equality for all genders…. and I believe Truth Matters…. and because I am writing about what has happened in my life and mention others, by law, I have to tell the truth or face prosecution… conundrum huh…

The religious or Trump supporters, want to control you…Begs the question…. Where are the bodies they are hiding from…

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I Remember… Margie… and her desire to own her soul that christians tried to destroy because they could not control it….

Sgt USAF DAV

BP numbers… I am liking this… Experiment pg 5…

5:30 this morning…156/88 pulse 72… before Coffee…..

6:00 AM 141/73 pulse 69 ….. first cup of coffee

7:00 AM 158/87 pulse 73….. 2nd cup of coffee, but didn’t finish it, I rarely do, only about half drank…..

7:50 AM 145/83 pulse 84 and I just did a mile power walk…

So does this mean my theory is right… about the thyroid man-made drug from hell… and just a FYI… the Endo doctor at El Paso took 12 tubes of blood to test me during a fasting thing, that just about did me under with all the blood draws during those hours and she tried me on other medications for my thyroid…

I could not TOLERATE any of the medication she tried… and I obviously cannot tolerate they thyroid medication period!!!!

So over college educated refusing to listen to the very people they are supposed to help….

Still no phone call to confirm the neurology appointment and if it has been cancelled, than there will be a problem with the last provider and Mike remembers the statements the doctor made and it would not look good in court for her… so lets hope cooler head prevailed and no one fucked with my neurology appointment…

I still have more weeks of testing on this experiment and I have PT next week and we are thinking of spending the money on a oliptical… which is what the surgeon wanted me on after my leg surgery… and I think even with Mikes RA, he will get some use out of it… only one problem… where do you put exercise equipment in a 1,000 square foot home that has every inch of space occupied… It’s doable… but it will make our living area tighter and I am thinking it would be a smart investment for those days, where the throne and I are best friends…

Hate spending that kind of money, when we are trying to save to leave here… got to weigh the pros and cons…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood why PE was so painful in school….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Experiment…pg 4

Sleep is toss and turning, which I expect… Blood pressure is actually lower in the morning and keeps going lower after my coffee…

Supplements and inhaler will be done late morning, so that stimulant in the inhaler does not work with the caffeine…

No confusion… Headaches almost gone, the pain is there and I think it always has been, but it’s not pulsing or bulging type feeling and the ears have actually been quieter, not silent, the ringing is still there…

As for the heart beat and pulse feeling throughout the body, again, it just all depends on what is going on, if I am going to feel it… and I am happy it is not going back to what it was when the incidents happened…

I do know that I have to watch my weight, since the thyroid med is not being taken and it is stable….

Other than hoping for more sleep, can’t complain….

Eye exam is in a couple of weeks… PT is next week and taking control of my health care here is the best thing I could have done…

Bitchy is also gone, and I thank that stupid Levothyroxine man-made drug for that hell….

But, always that one word… I do need to make sure I eat, so I don’t get hangry….

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I Remember… Margie… who never understood how anyone could beat on a little child…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Reconciling the Facts…

Dec 26, 2018 I had my MRI…. a day or two later I posted that MRI results on my blog so that Peggy, the sister that swears we had a relationship could see, that I told the truth and I asked her to publish her proof of the Infarct she swears she had… As you can see I have no such proof and she had plenty of time to request a copy from her doctor….

When you lie and I catch you at it… you might as well keep walking out that door, because when I close it… it is because you think my existence has no value except for what you can get out of it…

It is sad that Peggy and Freda both lied and are still lying… but it goes back to a 3 way phone call I did, with Mother, Sister and myself back in 78 when I didn’t have the money, but I for some reason was missing these two abusers… that phone call spoke volumes about our relationship and it was another bread crumb I used to help myself on this journey….

Peggy stepped in and tried desperately to take my place as the oldest of Don’s children and she wrote on my blog about how she just wanted the siblings to care about her… Only one little problem… they all remembered the kind of bitch she was and is and now all of a sudden she doesn’t understand why she has the warped and twisted relationship she does with my siblings….

My older half-brother is already far gone with religion and the corruption of Freda…. Peggy who is 2 years younger than me, followed in those foot steps…. and my siblings all saw that as they grew up and It was I they called when they needed help or a place to live…

When I walked away from the family, I did not go out of my way to keep in touch with the kids, they were all much younger than me… but I always told Freda my address and phone number so those kids could reach me, no matter where I lived on this planet… I thought for the longest time, none of them wanted contact…

I now know, Freda and Peggy went out of their way to exclude me from the family and built a fantasy world that has no substance… because the world they built for me, is built on lies….

One thing about the memory ability and having all my medical records… I can prove what I talk about…

All these 2 christian women do… keep telling their lies and from what I have heard… they have been tripping themselves up not keeping the stories they made up, straight…. you really can not fix stupid… not when it is under the guise of christian…

So I still wait for what will never come… Proof Peggy told the truth… and like all christians… I know that answer since It will never be forthcoming…

Liar Liar pants on fire….

Check Mate…

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I Remember… Margie… who’s only mistake, tell the truth…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Experiment continues… part 3

No there is no part 2… just trying to keep things a little more organized so that I can reference stuff when I am working on this book thing…  I don’t know what to call it… story???

So today has been interesting… get a phone call out of the blue and my old provider had requested a hearing test, without consulting me… that sigh took a few seconds, because I breathe in instead of out… sigh…..

I have had problems with my ears since the Texas beating and death… the cold would make them hurt, headaches would make them hurt, loud noises made them hurt… get my drift… they have hurt since I died in Big Springs…

Now having a job in a dental clinic where you are exposed to 8 hours daily of high frequency devices that are no different from if you sat in a bar and listened to loud music… extended exposure to any loud noises can impact your hearing, which is why I will never understand these morons in vehicles, blasting so loud and with kids in the rigs with them… You really cannot fix stupid, you just can’t…

So, I have known since my military time about my ears and all the problems I mentioned… and I have written about going to bars for dancing and the only way I can deal with being in that environment, get drunk, so my ears do not bother me… not falling down drunk, just buzzed enough, to where the noise wasn’t an intrusion…

I have never been to a concert, concert… I have been to a couple of small shows and one of them, I left 15 minutes into it… I couldn’t take the noise…

By the time 1996 rolled around, I would get off an on ringing sound in my ears and it varied in frequency… but, within 4 years of being put on Levothyroxine…. the ringing became that tinnitus stuff and it was awful and just about drove me batty… but I also knew that the major surgery I had that same year, could have been the cause, because it was major, they cut me open hip to hip… and that anesthesia could have been the trigger for the ear noise…

By 1998, it was very annoying and I have had multiple ear tests done on my ears and I even wore masking ear devices, that really hurt to wear, but I was willing to try, and wore them for 2 years and gave up… in fact the last hearing test was done at the El Paso VA and I want to say it was before 2016, but can’t remember the specific time frame at the moment… Instant recall doesn’t work for me anymore… and I accept that…

Funny thing about this little confab…. the ringing in my ears has dropped dramatically since I quit taking the Levothyroxine… doesn’t mean anything, until it stops completely… It just means, that the drug could have been making it worse….

One thing I have told all my doctors when I first see them and ask about it to see if they will give me an answer and my last one just thought I grew extra heads… big sigh on that one… but I told them all, I can hear the blood running through my ears… Not all the time, just like with my heart beat and feeling that through my whole body… it just depends what frame of mind my brain is in… 

This is something I have experienced since I came out of the fog in Big Springs, Texas… in 1968, before we moved to Japan… After the beating on Japan, it got louder and I just learned to ignore it… and sometimes that takes great effort, so smoking a bowl will usually distract me from it now…

The point of all this, I have had issues with my ears, eyes, and head, since the Big Springs beating and death…

I honestly don’t know what to tell the professionals anymore, so many of them are smarter than me when it comes to my own body…. thinking about getting a set of flags and waving them in code, since that is what they seem to think I am talking in… Wonder if “Sheldon fun with flags is available”???

The last hearing test I had done, was extensive and thorough… I have excellent hearing, I have zero hearing loss…. I just can hear stuff that others can’t…. and because of that…

I am changing my name to Hermine Granger and joining Griffandor and plan to go to school any day when the letter arrives….

That is how ridiculous it is, when the doctor’s order tests without consulting the patient… remember that god complex I wrote about… yep… they all got it… so Hogwarts here I come…

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I Remember… Margie… hating any loud noises and still does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Stroke and it’s implications…

I have said for as long as I can remember… I was born old… was it because of the high IQ or Edetic memory, I do not have an answer for that… It’s just a feeling that has walked with me hand in hand since before the Texas beating and stroke….

Suspicion was always there that something was wrong, or I wouldn’t have brought it up to the Air Force shrink I had to see, so they could make up a reason to discharge me… got to protect that image… which I will never understand, but after watching Trump in action and the enormous amount of fake news people spread on face book and twitter, which are the only sites I play with… I am not surprised…

I told Mike I did things in my life that leave me blushing, but the average person would just say, you had fun didn’t you… and I did… my inhibitions were in the trash up to a point… and I took chances that conservative people like me would not normally take… and with that being said… I know for a fact many people think I am anything but conservative…

Never judge a book by its cover and never make assumptions… and I work daily not to do just that, only because so many have done it to me and are still doing it… and that is okay… their lives do not, nor will they ever have an impact on mine…

I am extremely selective on who I let into my world… and I have no problem spelling it out… regardless of who you are… Just ask my oldest son and my younger son…. I tolerate nothing anymore…

Not bullying, not fake news, not bull shit of any kind and If I fall for the crap, I own it, apologize and move on… some people just can’t seem to do that, like Trump… To admit you are wrong and own it… means being an adult… like that kid that got in the face of the Native Vietnam vet… I jumped to conclusions and I own it… after watching the full video on the news, it was obvious the kid was trying to keep things from getting worse… So I pulled my comments off face book, but not off the blog… it is important to own your mistakes… and that is exactly what I am doing…

Too many times people jump to the wrong conclusion, because they are already angry with the world and what their lot in life is… I know, I have been there… but I am working on it….

The stroke definition for the area of my brain, says that I will exhibit the behavior I just wrote about… and over time with help, normally you learn and adjust so you don’t do those things, make those assumptions and you grow as a person… It’s not easy with a stroke on your brain that killed brain cells and altered your personality…

But I will always keep coming back to this one subject…

I will and still am a work in progress and when you judge me by my cover… you are not seeing my light…

The one thing on this planet I truly believe in… We all have a light or aura… and that is what I look for… Not your outer skin…. but the light that touches even those you don’t know…

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I Remember… Margie… and her sparkle of light…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Caffeine not the only culprit!!! Edited…

Back in 2010 or so, the VA had me see a specialist for COPD and he put me on Spiriva and so was hubby… we had phenomena, within a couple of months starting that awful inhaler… needless to say, after being pumped with antibiotics and sicker than we ever had been… we both quit using it… So I never really remember any other issues with that type of product… until now… yep… 

Spiriva Respimat…. I waited 4 1/2 hours after having my coffee this morning before I used the inhaler and within 15 mins of using it, I was dealing with tachycardia and rapid heart rate… so I did like any smart, cute, intelligent woman would do… got online and looked at what the side effects were for this specific inhaler I am using… drum roll please, and this is not the full list, just the things I have dealt with since starting this inhaler over a year ago…

1… Blurred vision…

2… Elevated BP….

3… Non-specific chest pain…

4… Indigestion…

5… Runny nose…

6… Dizziness….

7… Cough….

8… High Blood Pressure…..

There are more side effects and this is when I usually get pissed and go off… but hey the reality of it is… NO ONE LISTENED TO ME!!! I just growled…lol

So tomorrow, there will be no inhaler and what is sad, I have 3 box’s in my drawer and another 3 are coming in the mail from the VA… those things run about $200 each… I have a feeling after I see my new primary, if it shows this inhaler is causing the heart and bp issues, compounded by the thyroid med… I think we can safely say, the medical community created my problems and I have been living in hell because of their EGO!!!

Before I agreed to use the inhaler, I used a technique called bio-feed back… something I learned in the military… a practice that is meditation and focusing on working the lungs from the lower gut area up… most of us breathe from our shoulders, because we sit so much… but If you read about it, you can use soft soothing music in the background and just practice on the breathing…. It calms the soul and mind… Something I still do today, when I craw in bed anxious….

If the doctor I get, my new primary agrees with me, than this inhaler will be donated to a clinic here on Hawaii that helps the homeless and other people who are in need… the VA won’t let me send them back… why??? Because anything can be tampered with… better safe than sorry… That is what we did with Mikes Lovenox injections when they changed the dosage, donate to a clinic… they do like seeing us come in the door carrying gifts… we even do that with VET meds and donate them to the humane society…

Well, now I know, that between the thyroid drug and the inhaler… I have my culprit and neither medications will be going back into my body… I can even feel a headache type thing trying to start, and that’s because of the inhaler…

Just goes to show… what I have said for decades… my body does not like man-made crap, which explains why I put up with so little crap from men…. okay, maybe not so funny….

The symptoms did not last long enough to constitute the issues I mentioned, but… in conjunction with the Thyroid med levothyroxine… the 2 combined did instigate the problems and made them worse… Not taking the thyroid medication may be my only option to deal with these issues… Only time and a few weeks passing will tell me that… I feel great, active and enjoying my rock and roll as I clean house… and no headaches other than those few minutes after I used the inhaler….

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I Remember… Margie… and the next bastard that threatens me while I am walking my Dogs… will find out what kind of bitch they are dealing with… if they ever have the balls to get out of that moving vehicle as they speed past… my pups like human flesh… and my phone dials 911 by itself… I really need to brush up on my self-defense class again, before I go and deal with an idiot…rather he get hurt, not me…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You….pg 2…

I longed for that darkness that took me that hot night in Big Springs…. and I prayed to a god that never was… because if their was a god, we would have zero issues on our planet… instead misogynistic men created this demon from hell that they call Jesus’… who was a tool, so the men could control the world and in a way they succeeded… wars are ongoing in the middle east over a god that does not, nor has it ever existed and the people suffer, because they are not educated… but you look at Americans who have access to education and they are still blinded by the darkness of a story thousands of years old… 

The darkness walked with me and that glimmer of light, seeing Freda show emotion for a mother that abandoned her to an orphanage, so very long ago… the guilt and tears flowing freely…

That was my first memory of Don ever showing true concern for the psycho path he was in love with… 2 kindred spirits of hate, bigotry and most of all fear for the things they did to their children and each other… praying to a deity that does not exist, instead of getting psychological professional help… and it continues today in America… look at the Riverside kids that were rescued… or the mormon cult who swaps daughters for their sexual pleasure… why would a god condone this??? Because there is no god and never will be…

As the time passed, after Ruby’s death… grandmother I never met or knew… we prepared for our move to Japan… this was the summer of 68….

I would hang out with Delilah, Alines daughter, she was tolerant of me, only because they all knew I had died… I have no respect for these morons from hell…. secrets are for children and these people played god, because that is the only god that exists… Humans, controlling other humans….

We stayed in a dive of a place, no money, waiting for those plane tickets to join Don at Johnson AFB, Japan… I babysit and took my money and bought food, so we could have a good meal… I was so tired of being hungry… and Freda’s comment was not a thank you, but, “You should have bought a whole chicken it is cheaper”…  I was only 13 and the first time I ever bought groceries… I never did it again for that family, until the death watch as Don lay dying… money I didn’t have in 06, but my siblings and family ate it all and took what was left home to their own homes… Tiny was the only one to contribute and Freda got that money, because… and that is another story….

We waited for those plane tickets and when Don left to go to Japan it was my birthday and I was turning 14… and he said, I will have a gift for you when you get to Japan…

That gift, never appeared, but the beating that did happen, left a lasting impression upon my brain and soul… as did the grin Peggy had as Don walked down that hall taking off his 2 inch belt to hit on a child less than 90 pounds… I remember the first blow and Peggy’s grin and Freda, saying that will teach her… and I lost more of my time on this planet… to the darkness I knew so well…. my first memory of Japan…

The hate was palpable then as it is now from those 2 women… believers in a god, because to admit their heinous behavior to their own blood, just couldn’t be… why??? Because, the story would be it was all Don, when in fact… It was always Freda… the psycho from hell… I would lose another year or two because of that beating… but it bought the other kids peace, because they nearly killed me again and it was all about the retirement and honorable discharge… my life had no value to them… and I learned to hate the mother and sister from hell….

But my life does have value, to me….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who escaped into the world of books and lived there for many years….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Caffeine… ehh… only 1 cup from now on…

I tried the experiment that the MAYO clinic had online…. and it was correct… I am sensitive to caffeine…

Got up this AM, numbers were actually a little lower, still hypertension stage 2, got my coffee and took vitals 1/2 hour after my Java and 1 hour after my Java and the numbers went up just enough to fall into the category for sensitive…

No tachycardia, yet… I haven’t done my inhaler which could be the trigger for the irregular heart beat, but I really doubt it, been using it for a little over a year and I did an experiment with it, to make sure it wouldn’t give me issues… but I can be wrong and I will wait and do the inhaler in a few hours, instead in the morning after my coffee…

Always trying to figure it out and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail….

I also did more reading about that damn man-made drug Levothyroxine… Do you know that there are thousands of complaints about this stupid man made drug!!! and guess what those complaints mirror my problems…. so over the college educated!!!!

I just got excited and no irregular heart beat… that tells me the thyroid medication is probably the culprit for all my issues….

You want to talk depression, with a stroke on the brain and a man-made drug in my body, it is amazing I didn’t jump off the cliff at the end of our street!!!! So hate big Pharma!!! Greed, nothing but greed!!!!

It will take up to 5 weeks for the thyroid drug to be fully out of my body… The BP med, never got a chance to build in my body, I was not on it more than a week and that was at half dosage…

My numbers when I got out of bed, like I said, they were in stage 2 according to the device, but according to the Heart Association, my numbers are normal… so I think the device is using the old method on the numbers or its application is using old data….

So glad I never stopped learning when I got out of the military… I really did want to be a paramedic, till I realized I couldn’t quit shaking to do an IV or give an injection…. That raised huge flags in my brain… why was that such an issue for me…

All I can figure, what ever happened in my recovery after the stroke, left a lasting impression… just like mommy, daddy and sister dearest… gag me with a spoon please…

No bitchy behavior… the bangers didn’t bother me yesterday and for those who don’t know what a banger is… it’s the moron who buys a $100 vehicle and puts a $1,000 stereo system in it so everyone within a half mile can hear them coming, even if you are on your toilet!!! So over stupid!!!! I keep hoping one will drive by banging away and the vehicle comes to a complete stop outside my home, the hood, trunk and doors blow off and the people are ejected from the vehicle like Harry Potter and the vehicle implodes from the sound system… okay a little twisted, but I did research a device that would interrupt the electrical systems in vehicles… I just don’t want to go to jail… anyone, please go for it and send me video!!! But don’t hurt anyone… just the ride…

Sleep, still not happening and from past experience when I quit meds that I have been on and are built up in my body… sleep will happen when the body says enough is enough… so toss and turn it is for now… but again, I am not bitchy from lack of sleep, just sore and tired….

The experiment will continue until I see a new primary provider and we can address how best to deal with this, but ultimately, I have the final say… not book learned people who don’t have the full picture of my situation and I have to hope, I am as smart as I have been told I am…

Doubt, maybe someday that will melt away fully….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who love to play outside in the full moon light, did it last night watching the eclipse… barefoot…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Fear Walks With You….

As a little girl, I remember being taught the lords prayer and other religious things…

I also learned real fast not to ask questions of Don or Freda as to why their god allowed them to hurt me… I earned a healthy adult slap on that 5-year-old face….

Yet they would read the bible, take us to church, make a big deal out of Easter, with the dress up and perfect behavior… because if you misbehaved in church, you would pay for it when you got home…

It seemed that after the TV interview when I received so many blunt force trauma fractures at 5 years old… religion picked up more in our house… but that was all it was…just something we did, with no meaning, value or learning….

I didn’t really know fear yet… It was mostly say something wrong or do something the sister didn’t like and I would get hit… any place on my little body was game… but mainly the head…

When Don was assigned to Montgomery, Alabama… we followed that single wide trailer as it was hauled to our next destination… and for a time there was some semblance of normalcy, but not much… If I did anything Peggy didn’t agree with, she went and got Freda and they would track me down and most times I would get hit, for just playing and being a kid… but Peggy was the snitch and Freda had to reward her… and her reward, watching her older sister get beaten… she always had that grin, even on Japan… 

When the older half-brother caused the boob incident, where he exposed my younger sisters breast… we were just kids… he was only 11, I was 8 and she was only 6… none of us knew we had done anything wrong… but Freda would make sure I paid and Peggy helped… that school picture in color is the product of those two beating on a 8-year-old… you see Peg, had a cyst on her ovary and they didn’t catch it till it was too late, and the hormones made her grow big and fast… she out weighed me and towered over me, when she was 4 years old… and she could hurt, just like an adult could… look at the color picture, you see the marks on my neck… yep….

As the boob incident settled down, I knew fear and that was when sister decided dumping me off the top bunk on to the floor at night was a fun game… the bone scans show extensive damage to the back of my skull and deep in there is where all the magic happens in the brain… they think the head took repeated blows to a couple of areas of my skull… just because someone thought it was okay to be cruel like her mother….

And the fear built and built…. and so did the mouth, that came out with remarks I still wonder where I got the courage to say them… and the head would pay… but the knowledge I got under her skin and knew what her buttons were… I made sure Freda, never got away with much… she still doesn’t….

When the birth of the half-sister from hell happened, I lost all fear… I knew, Don would kill the child if Freda pushed his buttons and she did…. and I prayed… prayed to protect the child that abused my own blood….

As the night progressed and Freda became more incensed by her own demons, I knew the night was ripe for hell….

Big brother was sent home badly injured, but he didn’t die and he didn’t know if I survived yet, he allowed the woman into his head and now he is lost to a fake god and guilt of abandoning his only sister he loved…..

I remember hitting the wall and being hit upon… my frame only 80 pounds or so… I remember the screams of terror and thought, this time god, here I come… instead it was darkness, black as coal… no light, no sound, no memory…..

They locked him up for a while, but Freda remained and she blamed the child that had died that day, because her own demons from hell had made her insane….

The darkness awaits and It would be a long time in that small confined space in my brain… a very long time, before light came again….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who fought against a fear, of christians making…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Quick write…

BP is exactly where it was when I was 21…. I think, I hate doing that I really do sometimes… but this is another situation where denial was king and I was the slave…

I used to drink lots of Dr. Pepper and I would consume 2 or 3 cups of coffee and I knew with the soda the pre diabetes thing and caffeine… so I quit the soda.. I might drink 1 7UP a week, maybe 1…. rarely more, usually less…

If I am right, this is just another thing I addressed half ass instead of all the way… 

I swear if you want a worse enemy… look in the mirror… I rolled my eyes on that line!!!

I have been doing half ass things to make things better for my health, but not committing all the way 100% and it has come back to bite me in that proverbial ass, which I don’t have… All Bagwell’s have flat butts!!!!

I mean the only chocolate I munch is chips, with nuts that are 100% natural… and that is usually a late night snack…

I know if I want this experiment to be true and factual, I am going to have to avoid coffee tomorrow morning and no kind of chocolate snack if it has coco in it, real chocolate, which has caffeine or something similar…

If this is what it takes to keep me from having to take medication… then so be it… 

I started this life with none of these hangups… habit learned, can be unlearned just as easy… but slipping off that slippery slope will be easy and discipline, yea I got it, but not much…. just being honest…

So tomorrow, no caffeine, do the supplements and inhaler and see if the heart race is on or off…. I expect it to be elevated after our walk… or my chores and exercising… but not after I get out of bed… 

I have a feeling the reason mine is up a little when I wake up, because I toss and turn the last couple hours in bed… and the thought of getting up any earlier, will traumatized me back to basic training days… just kidding…

I may have to stay up later than hubby, because I will still wake up at or before 5AM… always adjusting and finding the right fit to make life a little easier…

You know I can’t begin to count how many times I did stupid when I was young and I told myself, no big deal, you get old, you won’t give a rat’s ass…

Well guess what, you give more of a rat’s ass at my age, than I ever did at 21…. and that kids is a fact, that not giving a shit, has come back to haunt me… learn it now, so your old age is as much fun as your youth….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who thought she would never see 40….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Caffine… I love my coffee….

I really hate not being able to figure things out… I truly love problem solving… something my boss’s all hated, because they were never smart enough to do it and they had college degrees….

I went back and looked at the numbers right afer I got out of bed… and I took a reading 2 hours after we got up and I had my coffee…. and I think my aha moment is going to make me very unhappy….

I drink about 3 cups of coffee, the mugs hold about 2 cups and I usually will drink 1 to 1 and 1 1/2 cups….

Now we get up early, because to be woke up by the rude roosters just ruins our day, so we go to bed early, cause we get up about 5AM every day… being retired, you would think sleep in… lol, we have never done that except when we were heavy drinkers… and that was a couple of decades ago…

So if my guess is right, because I just took my vitals and the numbers were reversing as early as 11Am… and they are back in normal range… so coffee, my favorite thing in the morning… just may become decaf… yuck!!!

Tomorrow when I get up, no coffee and we see where the numbers are after being up a couple of hours…

I have always known caffeine and I do not get along, which is why my go to soda, 7UP… and my supper drink… Lipton Ice Tea… the rest of the day, lots of water…

Before supper today, I will check my vitals and an hour after we eat, I will check them again and see if the Tea impacts me like the coffee does…

I knew stimulants of any kind, I couldn’t tolerate… which is why drug addiction would never be an issue… I do not like my body doing things because of what I put in it… so I avoid those things that make me feel worse than I already do…and always have since the Texas beating and death…

If tomorrow plays out like I think it will… caffeine just became my number one enemy…

Heart rate is down, BP is normal on the right, but elevated on the left and the stroke is on the right side of my brain….

This is the time I really wish I had the ability to read, retain and learn, instead of having to repeatedly read something so it imprints… that is the way it has been since Texas… Thank you Freda, Peggy & Don… my life just makes me smile, every time I wake up, because you didn’t succeed in silencing me forever….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who hated milk in her coffee….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Heart rate up, and nothing on board…

We got up this AM and because I got into a debate with a cousin on face book, I totally spaced on using the inhaler or taking the supplements… something I have done for a long time and habit is habit… 

Well we did our long walk, did chores, made breakfast and I am going why is my heart racing and why does this remind me of Japan…. and that aha moment happened….

Even with me being off the BP med and Thyroid med for over 48 hours, I still think they are in my system…  I know the BP med builds up over time and I wasn’t on it long enough for that to happen, and I know the thyroid med does the same and if you quit taking it cold turkey like I did, it can cause some of the things I am seeing… but there is that aha moment…

After the beating on Japan and the fact I had every symptom of a TBI, I never saw a doctor… they kept me hidden away, because Don’s military career was more important than my health… but ya know, Peggy got all the health care she needed… but not me…

Though the numbers are freaking me out just a little… I also know, that I have been through this before and that was a couple of decades before I ever started taking thyroid med…

I really think some of what I am dealing with is more than just straight forward hypothyroidism or hypertension….

It’s not comfortable to be sitting here or doing anything and you can feel every beat of your heart through out you whole body… I could even feel the heart beat in the top of my head without touching the area…

This is something that started after the beating on Japan in 68… I really do wish the worse for Freda & Peggy, they do not deserve any peace the rest of their lives!!!

So If I am remembering correctly, which surprises me, with how bad they hurt me in 68… I have been through these exact same symptoms since 1968, when I was only 14 years old… I may be a year off on that beating, but that is normal with traumatic brain injuries… and with how many I had… it’s lucky my brain remembers anything at all…

Instead of freaking myself out… I just need to focus on the calming techniques I have used for decades… it just sucks, cause that muscle in my left back shoulder area is letting me know it is so unhappy and that impacts the use of my left arm… which I keep hitting the wrong keys with that hand…

To arbitrarily go back on the meds without talking with a doctor, makes no sense, unless we end up in the ER… and I should be able to prevent that….

One thing is for sure… the bangers up and down the street haven’t got an emotion out of me and bitchy, I have not been since I quit the thyroid med… so we know that one drug is a big problem for me… and the Endo doc at El Paso tried other meds and those made me a raving lunatic….  thanks Freda & Don oh and especially Peggy!!!

I will figure this out and I will not just start popping pills because someone says I need too… there is going to have to be more justification than my numbers are up… we need to know why and if the brain injuries play a part…

Got a feeling none of this is going to be fun and lots of it are going to be scary…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the innate desire to not be seen, but become invisible…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Near Death??? If you don’t Sin, Jesus’ died for Naught…

Was watching the news last night, we flip from different stations, so that we get an unbiased view of the news… all except FOX, they are the worse with the Fake News and their people always raise their voices on CNN when others are trying to talk… bigots at their best…

And what I saw was a story about a guy, who did a marathon and had a near death experience… maybe that is what I should really call mine, only one problem.. the dude remembered everything but the 2 minutes his heart was not beating…

I can not say how long I was dead, it could have been seconds, it could have been minutes and since I have a stroke and old bleed on the brain, those memories will likely never come back… but, that being said… I guess if the brain does not die, you actually have a near death experience, but… that one little word…

My death lasted at least 9 months… why… because I have no memory from the moment I died until seeing my mother 9 months later break down, because her mother had just died…

So yea, near death means your brain didn’t die… but mine did in a way… and I can say that because of this memory ability I was born with… and to have a gap of 9 months in my life, where I have no memories… says I was not living… I was walking through life, with no acknowledgement or recognition of the world around me… in a sense… my brain died and it died for those 9 months that I have no memory of…

Like I said before, the reason I am claustrophobic… Is because my brain was incognito for those 9 months and in reality, when the brain injury happened on Japan less than a year after the actual death… my brain was dead… from 1967 to 1972… because it was 1973 when I started making memories that didn’t fall into the abyss of my brain-damaged area….

So I get the expression near death… but if you can remember all of what went down… you were just unconscious for that minute or two…

I lost 5 years of my life to that brain injury and death… it didn’t disappear minutes after the beating… it lasted for years… and the reality of it is…

I walked through life those first 5 years after the Texas beating… and I lived in fun house for the next 50 years, till I got my memories back…

Have I remembered any more than I already have, with the Texas death and brain injury….

No, and I never will… Just as anyone loses a limb or appendage… for someone like me to lose memory is worse… because the brain is still there, it still works…

I just have a damaged area that christians caused… no other people on this planet have hurt me, the way the religious bigots of America have….

I will never understand how Professor Ford had the courage to go before the senate and be raped again by the republican party… that is not the America I wore a military uniform for…

The America I wore a uniform for, is fighting fake news, fake people and most of all ignorance… I can disprove everything Trump and McConnell say… but it would do no good, if you have your mind made up and refuse to listen to the truth…

So that near death I experienced at the hands of christians… is the reason I write this blog, in the hopes those that are under the misguided beliefs of the lies told in Washington and by fake news organizations…. 

The hope is they get their head out of their ass, before America turns into a land where you can’t take a shit without permission from its government… doubt me… go visit China, N. Korea or Russia… and come back and talk to me…

I was the last person along with my boss to deal with the KGB, when Reagan was in office… you want to know fear… I dare you to go to those countries and behave the way you do in America… and they will send you home in a box…

Democracy is not for just republican or democrat… Democracy is for all Americans, regardless if you murder a child like I was or you raped a teenager and still got put in the supreme court…

We can only win, if we stand together… Divided, we will fall…. and that is the reason I walked away from religion… its sole purpose to divide the people and warp their minds and hearts and steal their souls… just so they can have a say…..

Just remember…. if you don’t get out their and SIN…. Jesus’ died for nothing… his whole story line is he died for yours sins…. If you don’t commit any, than what good is this god you hide behind…

Enough rant…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… saying her prayers after being beaten and left with broken bones at 5 years old… Yea for the religious…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Numbers do not lie… UGH!!!

Unlike Trump and the fear mongering going on in Washington… I had the most delightful debate with a DNA cousin this morning over that goofy wall those in Texas, Arizona and New Mexico do not want… just talk to the ranchers that own that land on the border… they do not want to lose what they own to the U. S. Government… but those Americans who buy into FOX news and the other fake news organizations, there is no convincing them… I lived it, I paid taxes in those states and I listened to those citizens… not the ones buying into fake news… any how, let’s get off this tangent and get to the real issue…

I read the science and my BP is going up during the night, because I am not getting any sleep… Now I hope that is just because the medications are leaving my system and I am just a touched stressed, trying to figure out our next move… will it be East or West side of Washington state for our next home, or will it be a huge travel trailer… I mean we are planning to leave here no later than next year… so decisions need to be made and we are so tempted to take a map and throw a dart, just so we can laugh over what we aren’t doing…

I just did a 1.4 mile walk, not quiet a mile and a half… but over 3,000 steps and my BP was what it was before the walk…

I know heart disease is a big issue on both sides of my family and that is unsettling… when you realize, you have been in denial for a long time… I just do not have an answer yet… I do know the device is picking up that irregular heart beat every morning….which I have had since the Japan beating…

I have so many questions and so few answers… is it because of my vascular system or is it the heart… I have no clue, I just know how to do the vitals and I know what is good and what isn’t….

I know smoking anything will make things worse and yesterday, I only had a couple bowls, to deal with the pain, so I wouldn’t have to take a NSAID…

I think for me, I am in a catch 22 situation until I get the professionals involved…

One thing for sure, sleep was not happening again last night… and that will impact the numbers… and like the science said, my numbers did go down in the afternoon, back to normal levels….

I have no confusion issues being off the thyroid med for 48 hours, but that doesn’t mean, the thyroid is happy… it too could be the cause of the BP numbers being elevated…

Between the 2 neuropathy diseases I have and now I think blood pressure may be associated with it… could it be because of the Traumatic brain injuries and the stroke and bleed on the brain… I just don’t know… that is where I need that neurologist I am seeing in a few weeks… and I sure hope that appointment is still on the books… other wise, I will have a complaint to file with the state and AMA…

You would think quitting cigarettes will improve your life… and I did back in 07… but it is obvious, that what ever is going on in my body, It is assuredly not a good thing and I plan to out live everyone, just so I can see where America ends up… so 2054… I plan to see, I hope… maybe, okay I have no clue… but that is my goal…

Physical therapy may help, it could bring my numbers down, but not if its heart disease or vascular… again, this is outside my realm of understanding and study… which Is why I pushed for Mike to see a vascular specialist… some things are just best left to the college educated…

I have hope that I can keep off medication… my next blood work will tell us that… I think…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… always had issues with catching her breath, even as a young teenager… amazing I made it through basic training…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I will never not hate religion…

I am suppose to feel bad, because I hate religion and have no trust in the religious???

Will you feel bad for the rapes I endured at the hands of the religious???

Will you feel bad for the death I experienced at the hands of the religious???

Will you give me back, what the religious stole from me???

I will never not hate religion and I will never trust those that say they are religious….

I have no reason not too….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…whose only mistake, be born….

Sgt USAF DAV

Nationalism is the new game in town…

I remember being told by veterans who came home from Vietnam, how the hippies spit on them, threw trash at them, degraded them in any way they could… those same hippies are in control of the U. S. Senate and White House…

I watched the news tonight and I saw a white punk boy, because man he will never be… get in the face of one of those Vietnam veterans who is Native American, a man who had more courage to stand up to that punk and not put him on his ass, because I would have in a heart beat!!!

I have no native American in my veins… none of my family has any…. but my husband does, my step-daughter does… my great-grandson does… my friends do… and I could not be prouder to have them in my life… the stories they share and the memories that are old but new, can not be replaced by a white boy in a Trump hat that tells a bald face lie….

America has always been great… Only the religious and fear mongering bigots think America needs help…

What America needs is to go back to its roots… the founding of our nation… Freedom…. Freedom to be LGBT, Freedom to be Black, Freedom to be Irish, Freedom to be Religious… 

When the religious and the white people who think they are superior… when that happens in a country, you either tolerate it and work to live together…

Or you have a civil war, just because less than 40% of Americans believe in an imaginary god that will condemn you if you are not like them…

You know those very same people beat me to death…. Those same people raped me multiple times….  Those same people stole thousands from me… Those same people raped my child…

And yet some how we put one in the White House and 2 in the Supreme court…

I am all of a sudden grateful I won’t live to see America become the new NAZI of the world…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… innocent until religion corrupted her mind and heart, she fought and took them back….

Sgt. USAF DAV

BP 117/68 pulse 78…. I was right…neaner… neaner…

I could not be happier… I have avoided any NSAIDs, it has been 36 hours since I took a BP med or a Thyroid med… everything else is the same… same supplements, same inhaler… and activity, all the same…

I also have had no headaches today…. imagine that… because a doctor would not listen to me and decided, based on what little information they had about me, they knew more than I did in my own skin…

Honestly, this god complex humans have now a days is beyond barbaric, it’s insane!!!!

Probably why I have so little respect for the college educated… and I am really working on that… and the next appointment I have in a few weeks, will tell me if I made any progress or will I piss the dude off in the first 5 minutes… hubby is betting on the first 5 minutes…. I giggled on that… he knows me so well….

No issues with confusion, in fact the games I play, because I get only into games that are puzzle solving… I like those, not shootem up bang-bang… even Mario karts makes me nauseous…. going to be interesting If I take my niece out to swim with dolphins… hope I don’t get seasick….. oh dear, what a thought… but the game, I am not forgetting anything when playing and for me, that is real good…

So I am happy with the way the last 36 hours have gone… my BP is back down to what is normal for me and for a 64-year-old woman, not bad…. but I am active and I eat right and the only thing I smoke… good old herb….

We shall see how tomorrow goes… if I sleep good tonight, and no headaches… I am definitely on the right track for this experiment…. oh and the blurred vision… hasn’t been an issue today… now that did surprise me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

I Remember… Margie… who just wanted to be loved, instead they beat her to death with their love… Mike gave it back to her… her love that is…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My Reality just got uncomfortable….

Amazing is the brain we have, it will never let me be bored…. We are working to get things ready for supper and I tell Mike, I have 2nd thoughts about going back to Okanogan county and settling down…

Is it that gypsy itch from my time working for the government or is it just me….

Neither actually…. 

I have to want to live someplace… It has to hold something tangible for me… not Mike… Me… now why is that…

Unlike most people, I have moved my whole life… The longest place I ever lived, is Okanogan county… where the phrase, “You didn’t lose your wife/girlfriend, you just lost your turn”… which I still find amusing today…

I am still not pushing my blog out there, for me to be able to do what I want with it, I either take the lap top and sit in front of AT&T store, so I have a good signal and put up with strangers coughing and breathing on me, and here covering your mouth only happens so you don’t spew your food… true story, that’s how we got our winter cold, someone coughed on us in public… sigh………………..

But you would think those few friends and family I let into my world, they would promote my story… and there we have our conundrum…. that is not happening… no people here on the blog site have done that for me and they don’t even know me, they have no emotional attachment to me, but they read my story and they started promoting my blog…

So why can’t I get that same support by family and friends??? Oh that is an easy answer, from our perspective… Mike & I…

My story would embarrass them…

For people to find out your grandmother or step mom or cousin or friend, was ganged raped or beaten to death… Oh… my… that would just create to much of a fuss…. in other words…

People who are extroverts are more likely to be outgoing and they like that attention…

Where as someone like me, who prefers the isolation, the solitude, not really working at getting the word out there and who’s to blame…

No one… but is does create a conundrum for us… We watch on face book and how there is so much promotion of Native this or that, celebrity this or that, or Animal this or that… 

It just tells me, that I do not touch the lives, that think they are connected to me in some fashion…

My story, my values, my life… do not mean to them what the Native this, Animal this, celebrity this… get where I am going???

It still comes back to the question of what we do when we leave here… and frankly, I do not think a final home will be it… and since no one is truly interested in our lives, okay, there are a couple, it’s not all dark and gloom… but is that enough to sway us, to make our final home in Okanogan county???

I doubt it very seriously… we may decide to buy a bigger truck and a massive 5th wheel and for those who don’t know what that is… it’s a 45 foot travel trailer on steroids… and we just might travel the United States and I write my book that way…

Nothing is ever written in stone… it only takes a stick of dynamite to break that stone…

Yep, life is definitely going to get interesting for us in the next 24 months… we just need a home base for our medical care… and that just might be over in the area of Gig Harbor… where little brother bought a house with my inheritance… that money did come from the house I help to pay for…

Check mate…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to see new places…

Sgt. USAF DAV

No Issues from not taking the meds…

I kind of figured it would work out this way… I really wish we had real internet instead of a cell phone hot spot… but hey, its Hawaii and it’s gorgeous outside and no one is driving up and down the road forcing their noise into my home… So I’m good, for now… till they piss me off… but, ya know what, I think that isn’t going to happen…

I just spent the last hour playing a game… I love games, always have… people just do not like to play with me, or at least they didn’t like too, cause I usually won… the other night hubby & I played backgammon… and he beat me, barely the 2nd time… lol….

What I thought about the thyroid med is probably dead on… It causes me to be irritable, changed my mood and just turned me into a raving bitch…. and so far today, not one person has bothered me… not even Trump, though he’s annoying no matter what is going on…

I wish I could remember where I read the information, it likely was the UK medical web site that talked about thyroid issues and brain injury… I don’t remember, it’s not like my brain works perfectly like it did when I was a kid and the parents were trying to keep their perverse secrets… 

Isn’t that sad, I suffered brain injuries, because Freda, Don & Peggy didn’t like the truth… christians… biggest and worse cowards on the planet…

Sorry I digress… any how… we will see over the next couple of weeks if I am right… no headaches, no tachycardia and no issues with my blood pressure….

All those issues created and exaggerated by a stupid man-made pill… gee that sounds so much like religion…. sounds a lot like Trump and his base of cowards…

Fatigue has been a part of my life since the stroke and doctor after doctor after doctor got it wrong, because they refused to listen to me…

I thought when my thyroid started working again and I could tell every time I took that damn pill the doctor I just fired insisted I take… I just knew, it was the wrong choice for me…

My brain is clear, my fatigue is exactly what I expect from a crappy nights sleep and we will see if my sex drive changes any…

Brain injury can alter so much and if doctors do not listen… the patient lives a hell like I have for the last 51 years…. so yep, kind of glad I fired my doctor and I will deal with my new doctor in a more direct communicative way…

In other words, we will do my health care my way…

It is my body and I have lived in it for over 64 years… so I think I know it a little better than the college educated…

I still need that professional help… but once we understand each other and I let the doctor know, leave the god complex at home… we should get along just fine…

The experiment is not over… until I have blood work done and that won’t happen until I have a new primary provider… and then we will see, if the brain is correcting itself and the thyroid is coming back to life…

I bet it is and I bet it has been now for over 3 years…. SIGH!!!

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I Remember… Margie… who never looked at anyone, without seeing their light in this world… we all have one… some are just darker than others….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Watching the crazy religious… white mans insane need to control your ass…

Hubby is out doing errands, and I made the mistake of hearing what stupid Trump had to say…

When you grow up in a house based on christianity and you lived around this world and experienced all kinds of religions… 

The one thing they all have in common…

Controlling your sorry ass and that is a fact….

Any teaching that tells you, you have to fear what you can not, see, touch, hear, feel, smell or converse with… should be no different from seeing a ONE WAY SIGN ON THE HIGHWAY!!!

If it makes sense and has a basis in fact, you believe it… with religion… it is all about CONTROL… and the teachers and politicians, living off your hard-earned money…

I have one promise left out there to full fill… a person I have known since they were a teenager has been fighting cancer and if my guess is correct, they will not win that fight and for one reason only… the person turned to a god and religion that is nothing more than a fantasy built upon lies and the need to control the mass population… which if you ask me, they are failing miserably at the control part…

Because if religion did work or ever worked… we would have…

No Wars….

No Disease….

No Famine….

No Hate….

No Bigotry….

No Prejudice…

No Discrimination because some one is different… regardless of why they are different…

If religion and the religious actually believed and followed there faith….

We would be a world at peace, no one would be getting exterminated because of their ethnic beliefs or cultures or cast…. Trade would be fair and equal around the world… and we would only have Armies, because proof that life off this planet actually exists…

That is the world we would live in…

If humans quit buying into what never was…. gods… gods are nothing more than fodder for your fears…

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I Remember… Margie… when she died… their was only darkness and if you say a 13-year-old kid wouldn’t know god… you would think, when christians killed her… their god would be their waiting to take her from that horror… I survived… because I knew god was nothing more than a tool to control me and you…. I chose me over man’s god… and I lived to tell about it….

Sgt. USAF DAV

How about that I am right…. experiment works…edited…

Well isn’t that just fancy nancy…. Just took my vitals and you know what my blood pressure is exactly where it should be… heart rate, up just a little, but nothing unusual about that… I just ate breakfast, finished my chores and came in from outside… but the BP numbers are correct and that explains why this morning numbers were elevated…

I took a 220MG Aleve gel cap last night… just one, because I knew NSAIDs could impact my blood pressure and I had a pain in my left parietal area right on top of my head and after doing my neck exercises, the pain didn’t go away, so that told me it was not related to my neck, but what ever was going on with my tachycardia and head combined… and when my numbers this morning when I took the first measurement were elevated, that told me, NSAID and I will always have an issue… and my doctor I just fired, told me the issues with NSAIDs when I asked for them… but sometimes, pot and exercise doesn’t get the pain to back off and meditation didn’t do it… so I turned to the easy out a 600MG NSAID… those are now, for when I can not take the pain and not for any other purpose…

It also tells me that my supplements are not the cause of the tachycardia or the racing heart beat… 

It is weird, and I know I read this someplace… but brain injury can impact the heart and I think deep down, I knew mine was associated with just that, but without proof, like the MRI from the 26th of Dec… I would have had doubt… why???

Because the health care professionals filled me with doubt, and instead of listening to my body, I listened to the educated GUESS!!!! UGH!!!!!!

So we can officially say that bull shit will stay with the doctors until they PROVE TO ME, they know what they are talking about, when it comes to my body and brain… So over stupid arrogance and egos!!!! and most of all guess work…

As I sit here and get excited about what I am thinking about and what I am writing, my heart picks up its beat and once in a while a little extra beat… that is me dumping cortisol into my system… and I always associate that mechanism with my, “Flight or Fight”, reaction… so yep, I got work to do… but at least I know now… it has been the thyroid medication and the NSAIDs that are impacting my blood pressure and causing me to have that fast paced heart rate…

Score… me a ka-zillion… no clue how to spell that… Doctors….000000000000000….. oh and I have zero confusion issues from not taking the thyroid med… my brain is as clear as ever!!!  But it will take a week or so to get that med out of my system along with that BP med… so still more trial and error to record….

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I Remember… Margie… and her ability to calm animals with her voice… and she still does… we have chickens from our neighbors running around our property and I just told the pups those are good birds and we only eat them when I cook them… they never made a sound and the hens continued down the driveway eating…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Why I think the Tachycardia is brain related…

When Don beat the crap out of me, because of Freda & Peggy after we got to Japan… when I was down and out for those few weeks, probably because of a bleed on the brain and no they never took me to the doctor…

After Texas, any injury would have meant the end of Don’s military career… they sent us to Japan to hide the scandal in Big Springs, Texas after Donna’s birth… the half-sister from hell…

Anyhow… the reason I think it is related to the Brain, is because of that beating and the subsequent recovery my body went through… I remember it vividly…

When I went back to Japan in the 80’s, Yokota and most of the far east, got hit with one of the worse flu seasons ever and people were dying… and I mean they were dropping in their tracks…

I got that flu and happened to be on a bowling league and I was so sick that I remember that night and my game and the audience I had as we were the last league team to finish, I was moving that slow… now why is that important…

You see I bowled a game that was all strikes until the 10th frame and my last throw made it a spare and strike in the 10th frame… and the whole bowling alley was watching, and I remember just wanting to die, because I was so sick… the flu hit me during that game… my score is still hanging at the bowling alley at Yokota AFB… it was the last time I bowled in a league… and the name is under Glass… that was my married name, if you want to check… I think that was around 1986, but I could be off a year…

Anyhow… that flu that killed so many and filled our hospital up at the base, is why I know the incident in 68 was a brain injury…

I have never had the flu again with any symptoms even remotely like what happened in 68 and that is what had me confused for so long about the brain injury… I associated 68 down time with the flu, when in fact it was another brain injury…

My adopted sis, lived next door to us in base housing and she would come over and check on my comatose body while my ex husband was at work… I don’t remember how many people died… but I never want to have any flu like that again and that was when I decided flu shots were a good thing…

My point is this… we all have moments in time that imprint on us… for someone like me with this goofy memory ability… we remember everything and I mean everything…

Something I have worked at undoing and now, I just accept it and allow the brain to make the memories it wants and if they are important, it is automatic, if It is something I need to associate with something else, it takes a little more effort…

All those times I said to Freda, when we lived in Mena that I remembered that flu when we lived there in 68, she never made a comment and she never made eye contact… that is how I figured out how to know when someone was concealing information that was important to my well-being…

Does this make sense to any of you… doesn’t matter… this is my bread crumb trail for that book I am trying to write… 

I am so looking forward to that acreage in the middle of no where and the peace and quiet and solitude I will need to commit all this into a book form that hopefully people will read and just maybe take something from it for the good of humanity…

I have seen so little humanity from any people on this planet… there are the exceptions, but those have been few and far between…

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I Remember… Margie… who ran around barefoot back in the day, and still does today…

Sgt. USAF DAV

So far so good…

b0d26fc6-794b-4e3a-875b-adbee52bc8a2We did our mile and half walk…. an my girl, she has no clue what slow means, unless I double leash her to keep her by my side… she is 7 yrs old and the runt, we have had them since they were 3 weeks old, dumped at the shelter in Las Cruces… so her brother is slower, because he has had spine disease since he was 7 months old… but the girl… my can she can power walk you into the ground and still keep going… and both would protect us to their death… I trained them, you do not come near us, if you want to keep your appendages… just saying…

So we get back to the house and I do my vitals, the numbers had reversed some, and it was hypertension stage 1 and the heart rate is exactly where it should be after that kind of walk, but it didn’t really get my cardio up… which for me is normal…

Even when in the military and I had to keep my physical activity up… my heart rate never picked up… unless I went for a good 30 to 45 minute work out… it has always been that way, UNTIL… they put me on thyroid medication and all hell broke loose with the tachycardia and the heart rate… big time sigh on that so much, the air expelling rattled the pages of the calendar on the wall… yep, frustration with the medical side who does not listen… I even went through a bunch of testing by a Endo doctor at El Paso, but she was more interested in protecting the state director for that facility, who I helped to get fired… so over stupidity and ignorance…

So I took my supplements a few minutes ago, since it had been at least over an hour since I used the inhaler… and no tachycardia issue…

In fact, what I suspect, is my tachycardia is actually connected to my brain wave abnormality… I remember when on Japan after that beating, is when it started and I would say that was when I had the bleed on the brain, since the stroke was less than a year before the Japan beating…

Ya know if doctors would shut up and let me talk and they take notes and they read my blog… we might actually get something accomplished… but I have dealt with college educated since my military time and I learned back during those years… college just means you passed tests… nothing more… it is what you do with that knowledge and how you listen and hear, shows how educated you really are… and that is a fact…

The day is started and it will be warm, so I want to get my chores and exercises done before it heats up…. and I will document later in a couple of hours if the supplements cause any issues….

I have a feeling that I am right and the doctors have been ignorant and stupid for decades… only because, they refuse to listen and hear… Psychology has a term for that… mine term or understanding…

You can not fix stupid, stupid has to want to learn and grow and so far… I have seen zero behavior from the professional medical community to disprove this statement… only one doctor ever listened and that was the last Psych eval I will ever go through… and his statement in my records… “Above average intelligence with PTSD”…. he was murdered by a patient a couple of years later and the man was beyond brilliant, he was human and used his humanity to help veterans like me… what a loss to those of us who need someone just like that…

A doctor that never lost their humanity….

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I Remember… Margie… and how much she loved to sing…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Let the Experiment Begin…

I tried this once before, back in 2010, at the Las Cruces VA and told the doctor I had quit the thyroid med and I went 30 days without it… No confusion, no issues what so ever, except… my numbers for that disease went up and the doctor freaked and talked me back into taking it again… now that was 9 years ago and by this time I knew for sure I was missing memory and had some kind of brain injury…. and I knew that brain injury could impact thyroid numbers and I was taking the highest dosage for me, which was 0.1mg of levothyroxine… a drug I absolutely hate, the side affects have never truly gone away… and one of those side affects… the racing heart beat…

So my not taking it, is not as dangerous as the doctor made out, because she didn’t know about the brain injury and just like the doctor I had here, convincing them without evidence is almost assuredly a death sentence… Death sentence to the quality of life… because this damn drug has always screwed with me and after 27 years of being on it… I have had enough!!!

I got up and took my vitals, and the systolic was elevated and everything else was okay, not perfect, but okay.. this new device keeps a record on my Iphone, so if anything does happen, hubby just shows the ER doctor what I have been doing and tells them what I wrote in my blog, or diary… your choice…

I also use a Spiriva Respimat… which I just used, I haven’t taken my supplements, want to make sure after an hour, that the inhaler is not triggering the blood pressure and heart rate issues… 

If you are going to do experiments like I do, be very cautious, analytical and tell your doctor… which I do not have at this moment… hopefully before I see neurology in a couple of weeks, which I called to confirm my appointment and didn’t get a call back… so hope the doctor I fired didn’t cancel that appointment, that would be petty behavior beyond anything Trump has done…

I have waited since 1967 to get these answers and I have had the Neurology appointment since last Sept 2018… it would be crushing not to have that appointment now, but you know what… it wouldn’t be the first time those in authority acted like gods and fucked me over… been there and done that… they have been trying to bury me since I first died… they so hate informed patients…

So in a couple of hours I will take the supplements after I am sure the inhaler is not triggering the BP and race horse heart rate… I tried this test before with this inhaler, and it didn’t, but I need to be sure, or my experiment is for naught…

I just know, last night, up and down, toss and turn and sleep, I could curl up right now and take a nap… but, not in my schedule today… today I plan to exercise harder to get the cardio going, like I did in the military… go walk a mile and half with the dogs and just enjoy my day free of that damn thyroid med….

Honestly… I wish the college educated would listen, leave their attitude and body language at home and just do the job we hired them to do… use the education they paid so handsomely for…. that is my hope… and as always…

Hope springs eternal… Should be an interesting day….

Never do what I do without seeking professional advice from a licensed doctor… I have done things like this for over 20 years trying to get answers…. guess you could say….

I have always been looking for Margie…

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I Remember… Margie… who was kind to everyone, even when they were not kind to her…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Stroke at 13 and a fight for my humanity…

I can remember not being able to stay mad at the man who beat me so violently… I can remember the last time he laid a hand on me at 17… I couldn’t help but grin, when he walked in that bowling alley at Naha, carrying suitcases so they could ship me back, to where I had no clue… but afraid he was… yet I knew not… I had already forgotten the violence… the brain died a little more that day…

Each blow Don & Freda gave me to my head, took from me every time…. they were sitting at Alines, all us kids in bed and I heard Freda say, “we were told she would not remember anything”….

It makes so much sense when I told her a memory, that I should not have known, because of the brain damage they caused… but Margie… oh my… that child knew so much and she left bread crumbs along the way, so that when the time came she could fight for her humanity….

Remembering your own death is creepy in itself, but remembering so much that should be gone, because of the damage to my brain by that stroke at 13… I do marvel at the strength of this one organ we can not live with out… but if it is damaged, it can destroy us without thinking about it… mine almost did… always about choice… always…

I made choices and I fought against the person I was not… not realizing the brain injury had altered me much more than I liked… it took me, the person I am, so far out of my comfort zone… my safe place….

I could not wait for the day, when age would erase what others saw… only when that happened, would I become like everyone else…

I never understood the envy of other women, I never coveted what they had, I looked at their light, they looked at my skin… at times it has been a very solitary life, because that is where I felt safest….

I know this stroke that is so old, took more from me, but not my soul… Margie is always there to remind me with that impish grin… we live and that is a gift….

Margie5yr

The only picture I have, where the eyes do not show the pain she suffered… yet sad, just the same…

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I Remember… Margie… who never gave in….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Planning our move off Hawaii…

Realistically we are looking at next spring… regardless if the lawsuit is settled or not…

Since I worked in real estate and our last property sold in less than an hour after it hit the market… you could say I know how to sell property… We even sold our investment property in Dec, before we put the house we lived in up for sale… so yep, going to use my knowledge to get us out of here…

When I spent time on Hawaii before, It was so different… there was actually an Aloha spirit that was tangible…

Now it is commercialized and people are in a hurry and they have no respect for themselves, so they disrespect everyone else…

Even with what is coming towards us with inflation and a recession… housing here is limited and those factors will not play into my selling…

I know the value of the property, I already did the comps… and I know what I can get for it… So I expect it to sell within the first couple weeks on the market… I giggled thinking don’t jinx yourself… life is what it is… but I am not out to make a huge profit… and we plan to sell it partially furnished… so really it will be a good deal on a house that will only be 4 years old when I list it…

We are both ready to go home… back to where if we get pissed off at someone, we know who they are and can invite them for a drink and get over being pissed off…

Here, they just flip you off, tear up the roads we have to pay for and I got my bill today and when I talked to an employee at HPP, they got rude… and it’s those employees, tearing up the private roads we pay for… so bigotry at its best and zero respect for the very land we live on… and I am so over having someone blasting their noise so loud I can hear it on the toilet!!! so over stupid…

Our choice when we get home, buy land, probably around 20 to 30 acres, with no neighbors and no roads near where the house will be…

This angry veteran is heading for those proverbial hills and the peace and quite that only comes from civilized people and respect for the land that sustains us… yep, I really miss home right now…

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I Remember… Margie… who could get a giggle out of the sourest puss…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Death and how to put it in the story…

When I faced the trauma that happened in that craftsman style house in Big Springs, Texas… just up the road from the movie theatre… at first I couldn’t look at the memory without dread, fear and most of all darkness…

The darkness from the death… and not seeing light for months on end… ya know, death isn’t what you think… for all the bull shit people say on TV that they saw heaven, and family and angels singing… their brain was just coping with what was happening so you don’t freak out… if you look at what dogs and cats do when they die… they will go off and find a place away from anyone and everything and curl up and pass a way… I watched 3 of our dogs do that…. the last one we had for 17 years… and I had to go out in the middle of the night and find him, so he was with us when he passed…

For humans, we are so afraid of the unknown we cling to superstition and religion, which is just white man’s way of taking control of the last thing you do in life… Die…. or maybe like me, you get another chance…

I saw no angels, no forefathers, no singing… it was just complete and total darkness and that is why I am claustrophobic… not because the stupid sister locked me in a closet… but because I had already experienced the most confining situation you can…

Death…

When they did my MRA last Monday, the meds had not kicked in and when he put me in the tube, I just laid there and thought… this I can get out of… death, I had to fight my way out… and the MRA was over before I had even processed what I had just learned…

I didn’t fear tight places anymore, because I didn’t fear death…

Our brain is the most amazing toy we have and I will never understand anyone who puts chemicals in their body to change how the brain works… but then maybe I do… I did drink a lot at one time… though I never forgot anything when I drank, so it was easy for me to walk away from that avenue of escape…

I think that is why I appreciate how hard I have fought to be heard, to be seen and to be recognized for surviving the worse christians could do to a child… and in the end… I am the one who won… Christians lost their souls and humanity to a god that does not exist…

I kept my humanity and have shared my wealth, my whole life… I have a feeling though, things are about to change… and for once in my life… I will be selfish with what I have… so few deserve to share it… because so many turned their backs on…

Margie…

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I Remember… Margie… because so many wanted her to stay silent, so they could live off the fruit of her labors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

New Experiment!!!

Alright I have had it with this damn thyroid drug… when I started taking it 26 years ago, the dosage was at 0.1… now I am less than 2 dosages away from being off it and it is a drug I have stated for years, I should not be on…

Well yesterday and this morning… I take the synthroid and supplements and BP med just before I eat, so It can be absorbed into the system before food…

Each time I take the damn syhtroid and before I took the BP med, the heart rate would go off on its own little race horse… and I am fed up with my heart rate hitting the high 90’s… and it makes exercise impossible…

Now I know if you are missing this hormone, it can cause lots of fatigue and confusion… gee sounds like every day life to me… so this is what I am doing…

Stopping the thyroid med and the BP and I am going to monitor my vitals… Already took the crap today and my heart rate 2 hours later is still high 90’s… which makes it impossible for me to exercise!!!!

I remember when researching neurology, that if you had head trauma, it could impact your thyroid and it could have an impact on other hormone things that go on inside the head…

If my experiment is right… after about a week… I should feel just fine, my blood pressure will be normal and I won’t have any more race horse heart rates!!!

I have argued this subject with more than one doctor… 

What none of them took into consideration, the number of Traumatic Brain Injuries my body went through…

Now If I am right, and the brain waking up from its 50 + year sleep… things should settle down over the next couple of weeks…

So tomorrow… the only thing I take in the morning is my supplements… and no none of them are the issue, I have taken them hours after the BP med and Thyroid med… the supplements are not the issue… those 2 drugs are…

I will never understand why we use so much man-made drugs, instead of what the earth provides for us already… humans have been on this planet for what a million years to half a million… I know my DNA goes back 250,000 years… so they did things natural… long before gods came along or big pharmaceutical…

So tomorrow starts a new experiment… BECAUSE I HATE BITCHY MAGGI ON DRUGS!!!

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I Remember… Margie… before she ever touched a man made drug!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Withdrawing contact…

After Don died (dad), I waited for DNA testing to be within my reach… we knew from the doctors doing it on Mike it cost our insurance over a $1,000 to get the information I would want on me… so once 23andMe came down in price and offered not only ancestry but health, we did it…

I thought it was so cool and fun to explore and all of a sudden I started getting contacts from people who had been put up for adoption…

Well we found the biological dad on a few of those people…  and I was in contact with the family during this time and that is when I learned about all the kids my uncles fathered, that were not legitimate, which I think is a stupid word, but can not think of another one… there are so many kids… from my count at least 20 kids from my uncles… so I wait for that proverbial shoe to drop and one of those kids be my dad’s… just saying, christians are the worse when it comes to doing what kids call the nasty… lol, what a phrase…

So after my screw up yesterday with one of those people, I changed my settings, so no more can contact me about their DNA… there are plenty of people out there, that have the education and knowledge and understanding of this DNA stuff and I am a total amateur…

I did find, how most of the ones that contacted me, we did figure how they are related and like I said, a few did find their bio parents or at least as to who they were… at this stage of the game, most of the ones related to me through my uncles… the guys are all deceased… and I am no use to any of them seeking answers, because I won’t have anything to do with such a fanatical religious bunch of lying, murdering, stealing, cheating, incestual bunch of creeps and criminals… besides, they are all bat shit crazy!!! If they weren’t, I would not have so many contact me about their biological parents, now would I… Christians are the worse and they are the biggest cowards…

So I withdrew my information and won’t help anymore… I did it only because I was seeking answers at one time about my own life… I just should have cornered the bitch who gave birth to me and the bastard that is dead… I did the bitch, the bastard, his death was anything but honorable… life got even in the end…

I am finding I don’t need that contact with people who are related to me… the new ones, we have nothing in common and I am more an oddity and curiosity than anything else… and the blood that I do know… 

I will be watching the obituaries…

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I Remember… Margie… who never lied…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Nightmares and meds… do not mix…

Not sure what to do about this, but continue in direction I am… but this BP medication, even splitting the pill in half and just taking it late morning… still screws with my sleep…

I have so many questions for that neurologist when I see him… I sure hope he is as smart as he thinks… it is one confusing subject matter and without that formal education to help me along… It just drives me goofy trying to figure it out….

Mike sees a vascular specialist this year and that is after my Neurology appointment, so I can’t ask questions before my appointment… which are just general, about vascular disease and neuropathy and all the pain and symptoms I deal with…

I have always known, when I get mentally tired, I screw things up and make mistakes… perfectionist, I have never been… but I hate doing work over, because I made mistakes… I am one of those, do the task, do it right and move on to the next task at hand…

I made a big mistake yesterday, when looking at DNA comparisons, and had to go back and run the tests again and apologize to the person for being wrong… by the end of the day yesterday… my brain was on vegetate… it just wanted brain candy off the Science channel and no thought process involved… in other words, my brain wanted lala land… and I gave it over to it… but…

Last night was anything but good sleep, I tossed and turned, I dreamed and not good dreams and I was out of bed at least 4 times after I went to bed… so not a good night for sleep…

I know I can not cut that BP med into quarters, I think that dose is too low, to keep my numbers in hypertension 2 stage..

I am curious if this hypertension is because of the brain injury or is it related to neuropathy… both are possibilities… but until I am told by a doctor that is what I am dealing with…. it’s just speculation on my part…

I have hope, when the physical therapy starts, it will help, with the blood pressure and the pain I have going up both sides of my neck… which could be related to the whip-lash damage from all my beatings… Don did toss me around like a rag doll and I have never had an accident that would cause this damage, and it has been going on since before the 90’s… so I will go with, it is from the beatings and subsequent damage…

How can any adult take a small child and beat them and think that is okay… How can any adult hit a toddler, like I saw in Wal-mart and the child was less than 3 years old and the mother slapped the little girl as if she was an adult… this happened 2 christmas’ ago at the Hilo Wal-mart… and I never forgot what that woman and man looked like and If I ever see them again and they do that again in public, my phone will be dialing 911… and you ask why didn’t I do that before… 

Because that was within a month of me getting my memories back and I was still in a mental fog, adjusting to my new reality… but my brain never forgot that moment in time at Wal-mart and I have seen the couple since than… and I watch, they may not understand me watching them, but I will never abandon another child again…

I own my fear and I own my lack of action… and that toddler has never been far from my mind’s eye… which is why I remember what the people looked like… and you couldn’t miss them, both adults were over 6 foot tall… and Hawaiian…

Ignorance is the balance we deal with when it comes to violence… I hope that baby survives that home…

I know I am very lucky to be walking and talking and most of all thinking…. It takes courage to stand up to anyone who commits violence…

I hope mine doesn’t let me down if I ever see anything like that again… I hope the flight or fight mechanism never comes back into my life…

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I Remember… Margie… who would stand up to the biggest bully and take that beating and still her voice was not silenced…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Last write of the day, PTSD is not winning!!!

Used to, any time I had to deal with something like firing my doctor, I would be in over drive on heartbeats and the tachycardia would play a big role in me being over the throne…

I didn’t used to have that kind of problem… it started after the farce push out, when I was discharged… and I would say that really helped the PTSD along back then… even though I had no clue about any of it… 

Not the beatings, not the stroke and not my own death… yep PTSD is one lousy son of a bitch and I have beaten it up before and it comes back and it knocks me on my ass and I just shake my head to clear it and go after it once again…

Well today I fired my primary doctor… I started to let Mike do it and I realized as he answered the phone call from that office, I didn’t have a racing heart and I was actually calm… an no I was not smoking a joint…

So I took the call and just calmly stated that I had selected a new provider and please cancel any appointments I have with them and thanked them…

I did make sure when I talked with Tri-west that my neurology appointment in a few weeks would not be impacted by my firing the primary provider and she verified that it was not… I have waited since last fall to see this doctor,  wasn’t about to give that up when I am so close…

The PTSD is melting away… it’s not gone, I still have a nightmare once in a while, mostly now It is just regular dreaming… the day, what ever got under my skin or who ever I helped with DNA research… but nothing real bad…

I still do have a couple of issues to deal with from my past and I am hoping that I will get to the end of this part of the journey this year… the fear is gone, the darkness has left me… all I have left is a couple of questions about one incident… once that memory is resolved… I think, mind ya not something I do well, but I think… the rest of it, is just teaching my brain to react differently when situations like today arise and instead of the fear and flight mode being in control…

I am …

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to build forts…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Pressure is off, Knowledge is Power…

It has been an interesting time for me… With getting my memories back in Nov 2017… to finding out I had a stroke and the memory of the death was accurate… The brain, one of the most amazing muscles in our body and we really know so little about it… especially for a person like me to survive so many TBI’s and still be a functioning high IQ human being… I kid you not, I am just in awe with its power and mysticism…

As more time goes by and the brain calms down from 50 years of terror… PTSD… combat veterans, I have been there, I have lived it, I died from it and I am still here and I have no desire to take my life… neither should you…

The part that I have not written about on this blog is the violence or the extremes the violence was… nor have I gone into detail about my rapes or my childs on a federal installation…

No all I have tried to do, is make a bread crumb trail for my book, so that if, this stroke in my brain, which isn’t acute, just a FYI… the neurologist will tell me that in a few weeks… but If what I read about strokes, I could lose more memory, but the likely hood of me getting back more memory fast evaporated after what I did read about stroke and proper immediate care… which If you read the blog, you know they hid me away, when they injured me… or lied about the injuries… which, those I did hear and I do remember the lies…

I faced the Texas beating and death, so now I own it, and the ghosts of the nightmares are mine… and when I think of being slammed against that wall like a rag doll and dying for those few mins… there was nothing… no angels, no blowing horns, no one waiting… just darkness… when I woke… it was many months later and the first memory was of Freda’s mother dying… and I was still covered in bruises… that was about 9 months after the incident… or death… your choice… but most of all… I own it, the memory is now mine and it has no sway or say over my nights…

I still have other memories that I do not own yet, so the PTSD is still walking with me hand in hand… I am okay with that… the mental health worker said baby steps… and through some of this process it has been just that… the only difference…

I am not afraid… I owned the worse memory… the death… It no longer owns me… The other memories that still trigger my anxiety or piss me off… remind me, that I am in control and work harder at not letting the anger take from me… which it will do… with a brain injury from a stroke, I don’t have 100% say over my actions… the brain does have a say…

My logic, not always and that is when you need the health care community to work to understand you… not you understand them… they are the professionals, they are being paid to help, not hinder and if you find you are in that kind of position, like I was… walk away… call that number on the other blog and get yourself in with a new doctor… and keep doing it, till YOU are comfortable with your health care… at least here on Hawaii, those of us, eligible do have some kind of say, in how we are treated by health care professionals… we get lousy service… we go someplace else…

I told Mike I was not ready to leave Hawaii yet, though I am anxious to spoil our new great-grandson and granddaughter…

I have to work on me, before I let the family back into my world and I still have issues I need to be in control of… and not the PTSD…

It all takes time… but I have hope… Hope that Margie becomes more of who I am and not what I used to be…

An angry veteran….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and all the tonka trucks she could play with…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Vets on Hawaii Take control of your care…

Just got off the phone for an hour with Tri-west, which is our provider here on Hawaii, if you meet the 40 mile rule concerning the VA facility… now does that mean Hilo or Oahu… I think it means Oahu, and I live in HPP… so those living here, know the distance to the closet VA facility that they mean… that question, the lady just said 40 mile rule distance… so I am going to say Oahu… but don’t shoot me if I am wrong… call and find out, talk to the benefits section at the VA…

Okay so this is what the lady did for me today and boy was I shocked I had so much say over my health care… so now you know I am an old lady, who’s been in the system since 84… so it will take me short work to get that out of my system….

1-866-606-8198 is the phone number for Tri-west…

You have a choice for your primary doctor and if you are not happy with the one you got, you can get yourself a new one… Which I just did!!!

You have a right to request physical therapy without a doctors request… Which I just did!!!

You have a right to an Eye exam once a year…. Which I Just Did!!!

The only thing Tri-west cannot do for you is dental… just like all BS in government… women are the last to get treatment… I have been waiting since May 2018 for approval for dental implants!!!  VA is 100% god over this!!!

There are more things with health care you can ask them about… so far all the people I have dealt with have been professional, considerate and most of all they actually listened…

If you are a Vet with PTSD and you have the motor mouth syndrome… just take some deep breath’s and slow down so they can understand you…. I had many Vietnam patients that would call me at the clinic and they had the motor mouth syndrome… it’s just part of PTSD for some reason… I do it too….

Hope this helps anyone looking for information… and most of all, anything you do pertaining to your health care and VA benefits… DOCUMENT… DOCUMENT…. DOCUMENT… It has saved my ass on more occasions and always if possible have a witness… and lastly… Never lie to get what you want out of the system… the college educated ones running it do enough of that to reach the Milky Way star system…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… anything but a princess….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Active body, healthy mind… keeps Vets alive…

My day has already been busy… with our hotspot cell phone set up I try to get as much business done in the morning, before there is a drain on the cell signal… which barely registers… which is why I can upload video, but can not watch video… too much buffering on my end…

There are still questions I have and official diagnosis to get and it is looking more like I am on my own, on Hawaii until we get back to Washington and I get in the Spokane VA system again…

I never have been told officially that I have Ankylosing Spondylytis… Just like the PTSD, it is in my El Paso VA records, But… I was never informed… I had to read it in my records…

There is so much 3rd party rhetoric from federal employees in my records, you are lucky you find anything that has to do with my health care and not the personal opinions of federal employees, who are mostly ex veterans… so I have no use for the employees who are not getting paid right now and I have zero empathy and those comments they made, will be in my book, with their names… evidence and truth will always protect you, unless you are fighting people like Trump or christians… then truth has no value… but evidence does…

Every doctor I saw, since we moved to Hawaii said the exact same thing!!! “I can not find any health information in your file, just 3rd party rhetoric” including my surgeon, I had to provide her with the surgical reports from the past… the VA couldn’t find crap!!!…

That being said, when I tried to tell them what was in there I got dismissed, told I didn’t know what I was talking about…which is the current primary care and that we would start from scratch… double down and dismissive is the health care we get now a days…

It never ceases to amaze me, hubby can walk in and they get right to taking care of him…

I walk in and try to inform them of what I know, and all of a sudden I grew 3 heads…

You Can Not Fix Stupid… Stupid has to be willing to recognize they aren’t gods and we all have a voice… but gods do not believe in equality, fairness or anything else… but their own voice, other wise christianity would not be destroying our world… along with all the other religions that are based on superstitions…

Anyway, all you can do, keep raising your voice until you are heard and never give up… no matter what the professionals do to you… 

You matter and so does your life and so does your voice… we are the reason we have freedom and democracy… never forget you are worth more than the shell you live in…

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I Remember… Margie… the biggest tomboy ever…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Vets GET YOUR RECORDS!!!!

I cannot stress this enough and yes you may not know what you are reading… but do like I did… 

Get a copy of all your medical and psychological records from the Veterans administration…

It is my understanding, after I got my copy here after moving to Hawaii…

You are better off, contacting every facility you used and get a copy of those records from them…

When I requested a copy from my last VA health care in El Paso… they didn’t have the stuff from Arkansas, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, New Mexico… nope they only had my care at that facility on file…

Has that changed, I do not know the answer… I know if you contact the main office on Oahu, they can tell you if they can access all of your records or just the care you received on Hawaii… 

If you want to fight the VA system… GET A FULL COPY of all your care and make sure you have a full copy of your military medical and psych records…. and if possible get your dental records… in case you are awarded 70% or higher which allows you dental care… at least that was what the setting was when I got my dental care, I was at 80%, and all my dental was covered… 

If you do not understand medical jargon like I do, google it, ask for help….

But be fully informed as to what they wrote about you… and if your records are anything like mine, you will find more than one veterans records mixed in with yours… do not destroy those pages, just mark them as not yours, keep them in your file… incompetence is the one thing you can make them fix… well maybe…

JUST A FYI… there are lots of things in my medical records I was never told I had… one of those issues… PTSD… but it is in my records…

Also, no matter what doctors you see, always have a witness with you… so that you can back up any claims you have against the provider, if you think you are being treated unfairly or not properly by health care professionals…

It is not the health care system that is corrupt… but the humans working in it…

Hope this helps any veteran out their fighting for benefits…

I have over 10,000 pages of medical records and I will tell you as a health care provider in the military, I have never seen a bigger cluster fuck than the VA health care system…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who refused to roll over and die…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Vets always get abandon by the Doctor’s…

My little base, Vance AFB… was the only active duty assignment I had, spent my whole 5 1/2 years there… It was a little clinic, the medical side closed after duty hours, so people had to go to the local ER at St. Mary’s hospital, where I also worked part-time…

The place I worked was a little dental clinic and you got it, we were on call 24/7… so If I had call duty, I did my day duty at the clinic and if an emergency came up, I would have to go in at all time after duty hours and still report for work at the clinic the next day…

So there were times, when you were beyond sleep deprived, and raising 2 young boys at the time and I was single… made it challenging but because I love helping other people, It was rewarding and I just took the exhaustion in stride and didn’t complain about it and most of all I NEVER took it out on the patient if the patient was bitchy…

I just can’t seem to get that kind of care on Hawaii… No I am supposed to act like any other human being that was born on this planet, who never experienced anything but regular everyday life… Only one problem…

From the moment I entered this world, my life was anything but normal… I may have no proof of shaken baby syndrome, though I remember it… I may have no proof other than these pictures…. of the abuse I endured at the hands of adult christians…

I do have bone scans from the 1980’s the military did…. I do have the MRI that the doctor here ordered…. 

But that just doesn’t seem to be enough proof to show, what this child endured…..

MaggiBasicTraining77

But I do have proof that I served my country with out knowledge that I was walking around with a stroke in my brain and an old bleed on it… The bone scans showed the extensive damage to my skeletal… but…

I am supposed to behave socially and personally like everyone else on this planet who has never been raped, beaten and killed???? REALLY????

I started my health care here on Hawaii with a bad experience with the Hilo VA… Then the doctor my husband got, I also hired and was fired by her after 3rd appointment and then the next doctor I hired the office manager fired me as a patient and now the doctor I have now… is just holy crap on a cracker situation… which is why I had Mike in the room with me, so he could see what I was seeing… 

Someone who dismissed my requests, who gave false statements about care or treatment, and who did not listen… I do not know what the problem is, but after a while my frustration started to show through, but it’s my fault just keep that in mind, it’s my fault, she didn’t listen, made false statements about care and then tried to change the rules how our health care is supposed to provide us with copies of any test the moment they are available… and that is for good reason… because the health care system is that screwed up when it comes to Veteran health care… I can’t even look at my office visits at their website, because it doesn’t tell you anything…it is worse that what the VA uses… is useless, let me put it that way…. which is why I want that paperwork immediately after any test… it’s all I get that shows what is wrong or isn’t wrong… 

But that’s my fault, because I have waited since 1967 to find out what was wrong in my skull and if it was going to take my life!!!

YOU KNOW I DIED ONCE ALREADY, WHY CAN’T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT!!!!!

So frustrated with humans who have healthy brains and bodies….

I will never know what that is like because 2 christian adults beat the crap out of a kid and killed her…

Now my own health care is seeing how far they can push me towards taking my own life!!!

Sadly for those veterans who do not have the ability I do, they will and most have done just that… taken their lives back from a corrupt health care system and because they can not cope with the rejection by the very people who are supposed to help them…

They go jump off that proverbial cliff at the end of my road and that is a fact….

My little experiment is working and the half tablet of that BP med is keeping my numbers in a hypertension range of 2…. that buys me time, so I can try other methods to bring the numbers under control where I do not have to be under a doctor’s care, till we get back to our home in Washington and I get back into the one VA facility that never let me down… Spokane…

As for any other medication I am on… I have enough brains, thankfully to make use of what I have to stretch it out, till we leave…

My lawyer is back to work and I expect a call to let me know about the transmesh thing and that will give us an indication as to when we can leave Hawaii and go home… We could do it sooner, but it would be a strain on us financially, and we do not want to rent our house, we intend to sell and never come back to Hawaii… 

I have had enough bigotry to last me 8 more of my 9 lives…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her strong desire to live…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Experiment okay so far…

The new BP system I bought has some interesting features… so used to doing things manually, tech an BP never impressed me, that is how they missed Mikes heart failure…

Since I am in limbo, trying the BP med at breakfast time which is always late morning, we eat when hungry not specific time in the morning…

Yet the med brought my numbers into a range I am comfortable with.., This buys me time to see If I can bring those numbers down through other mechanisms…

One thing about my experiments, I always learn from them an usually they improve the quality of life, an that is my goal…

Knowing about the stroke an its implications on life span, nothing new when I go against the odds…

Look how far I came, for someone the doctors said, I would remember nothing of my death…

Did the college educated get it so wrong with me an they usually do… never understood why they think degrees make them smart…

I always thought what good you did with knowledge showed how smart you really are…

But, I have been told for decades its all in my head, and they were right…

I out lived an out smarted the ones who did this to me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…because of how I am being treated now… thats why…

I Remember…Margie an those big eyes…

Sgt USAF DAV

Telling Margie’s Story….

I never wanted to step outside my comfort zone… I like my privacy and I like my seclusion… I also like being left alone, which isn’t a good thing when you have kids and grandkids… and most of all friends who are like family….

No, when I told Mike on Nov 7, 2017 what I remembered about Big Springs, Texas… I had no idea that the next 13 months would be a journey into unfathomable pain… Pain in the heart, pain in the soul and most of all irreconcilable pain in the mind…

I worked so hard to bury the memory ability after Japan… I can remember when I started the task to rewrite the past with many blank pages…

I had no one in that home to turn to… the last beating taking so much from me, but the memory of Freda telling Don I had said something she didn’t like and Peggy standing in that living room near the kitchen smiling… as the man walked down the hall way removing his 2 inch wide belt and he swung, than he swung me and you could hear my neck popping and the crunching of bone between his fingers as he hit on that 80 pound 14-year-old girl, who just survived a stroke…

I do not remember more than the one blow and I was out… more of Margie gone, because I said words that upset Freda and Peggy… mother and sister…

Much like what is happening with the primary care doctor I have now…

How am I to reconcile the horror I forgot and am reliving daily with normal life… How am I to control the frustration of being thwarted at every turn, after waiting 50 years for answers about those injuries when I died…

No I am not happy about this situation that I have never had control over… because the ones in authority have always had the primary control and I am supposed to be accepting of that fact… after 50 years of hell… No my comfort zone would have been to avoid any of this and never open my mouth…

But I want to live and so many want Margie to die… she did once… just for telling the truth… and the health care professionals I am dealing with now are doing all they can to silence Margie once again…

I have made my choice… and I own it… maybe someday the college educated will grow up and realize they are not gods, but hired employees and we can fire them just as easy as they can quit on us… but that violates the oath they swore…

Do No Harm… and thanks to Trump, we now know, oaths have no value, nor does human life… especially mine…according to those in control….

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I Remember… Margie and her glorious giggle…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Always hope for the best, plan for the worse…

Looking over the way things are at this moment in time… I am ready for what comes next…

Review availability and demand… A little cryptic, but hubby will understand this… always leave a paper trail…

So I am hoping for the best, but I am prepared for the worse…

I have had my fill of health care here on the Big Island of Hawaii and the lack of professionalism that I have experienced…

I always have my medicare for an emergency and hopefully I am smart enough, to prevent that…

Tomorrow starts a day of a new regiment, so that I am in control of my health issues and not a college degree…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

I Remember… Margie with the big gray eyes…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Depression cross’s the threshold…

We all have a life force… some will always shine brighter than others…

There will be those who draw all to them and will burn them with their lite…

And some will come along in the guise of help, yet they are the ones who really need help…

On occasion there will be the ones who will cross your path and touch your life in a negative way, because you failed to understand them… so the onus is on you… 

Humanity lost for a faith in gods, instead of faith in self…

I look at it, tear it apart, analyze it and know…

I have no control over anyone or anything but myself….

At one time that would have been true… but a person of faith took my body and slammed it into a wall and killed that person…

When I awoke, this is what I am left with and outside forces are making their voices heard… because to hear mine…

You have to live humanity… I died and never lost mine… you live and forgot yours….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… the light in her eyes faded once before…

Sgt. USAF DAV I miss the Aloha I experienced long ago… worlds change, so do people…

Supposition… any bets… table closing…

Have you ever gambled… I like to play slots once in a while, but other than that, not much of a gambler… so here’s my supposition….

I will get a letter in the mail or a phone call from the VA insurance program for our area, letting me know that I know longer have a primary doctor and who would I like to be referred too???

Any takers??? Any bets???

When the professionals do not own their behavior, it just re-enforces what I have written about…

Anyone who says they are religious or has faith or beliefs… and hides behind them…

Is no longer with humanity… they are against it…

My body is full of that kind of humanity as is my soul and mind… and I never forget the professionals that have done that kind of behavior…

Life never forgets either… like I always say… those who deliberately set out to hurt me, be it by stealing from, lying to me, cheating me or dis-respecting me… life always seems to bitch slap them at the worse of times…

If the above happens and I get a new primary doctor… it will be an interesting chapter in my book…

Just a FYI, hubby won’t bet against me… I rarely lose…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… so many want her to be seen and not heard… thus goes the faithful…

Sgt. USAF DAV

CBD… gummies??

Okay call me old fashion, out of touch, clueless… let them rip… I deserve it…

When I saw the mental health person last year, she mentioned these CBD I guess it what they are called…

Anyhow, we stopped at the head shop in Kona, when they did the MRA and I picked up a couple of bags of these gummy things…. and the kid is telling me all this info like I really understand any of it… okay quit laughing… total geek to the core… but clueless on this stuff…

So back to this write we are laughing about… I tried them and so did Mike… Mike got nothing, no buzz, no relief from his pain… nada…

Well I tried them and I was mellowed out, totally and no it didn’t bring the BP down or heart rate, the medication did that… just enough to be safe till I find out if I still have a doctor.. sorry I digress…

These CBD things… I like, no smoke, no smell and most of all no smoke…. easy on the lungs, easy on the body…

So my question is this… if they don’t impact Mike, is the reason they impact me, because of my head injury or my sensitivity to any kind of drugs, man-made or plant…

I find it odd, Mike got nothing and me, I am a happy camper… I ate one before I went in to do the VA board… and I actually was very calm and relaxed… but I think the kid on the monitor was the reason for that… total professional… he made it easy…

So yea, I will definitely have to hit that store in Hilo that the mental health told me about…

Can you imagine your great grandma telling you this story… hope to see them soon…. our great grand kids…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… with those big sad eyes and curly hair…

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA and I are finally done…

Last night I got to thinking of this journey I started when I got my memories back and found out how much damage my own parents did to my body…

First the beatings and the Traumatic brain injuries… and when they killed me in that fight over Donna’s birth… the half-sister from hell…

Just getting those memories back… I couldn’t in all good conscience go after the VA…

They already give me the compensation I deserve for my military service…. to pursue this any further… I would drop to the level that others use in corruption… and that is just not me…

There were several people there for their own board hearing… I arrived first and knew it would not even get to the board, I simply told the man the truth and withdrew my appeal…

You see I already get 90% disability and 10% unemployable… I was fighting for a date on one of those things I get compensation for… I started that process a few years ago… and today was the first opportunity to inform the VA… I had no desire to pursue my case against them…

Why??? Because I remember…

I get all the compensation I deserve for my military service… everything else is related to my death and subsequent stroke at 13 years of age…

It will never cease to amaze me, that I did my military service for 5 1/2 years, went on to work for the federal government…

My life, could not be better… I always have the option to go for that last 10% if I so choose…

Until the neurologist finish’s up with me… I have no direction to pursue against the government, until all the evidence is in and the lawyer gets their hands on the sealed records from my death and Don’s military psych records…

Until that happens… The VA and I are done, pushing paper around…

I am glad I did what I did… those kids waiting for their turn, reminded me of what I went through 30 years ago… I hope they all succeed in getting what they are entitled to and deserve…

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I Remember… Margie… I hope she is remembered for her honesty and integrity…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Numbers coming down

Took half a tablet an hour ago…. Tachycardia has relaxed, heart rate down an BP settling down to stage 2 hypertension…

I wonder how do they figure what causes these issues??

CBD did its job, very relaxed for the VA board hearing, should be interesting… My medical records have none of this stuff I am going through an been diagnosed with…

All I have is the MRI an MRA report, nothing from neurology…

Should be fun… Maybe…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt USAF DAV

Propranolol 10 mg….edited

Just to tell you how bad my vision gets, I read the prescription as take one tablet daily not 2 tablets daily… If I had taken that dosage, I got a feeling my heart rate would have dropped so low, it would have stopped…

As it was, I was taking a 1/2 tablet in the morning and at night and even that amount screwed with my brain, my mood, my sleep, my diet, my water in my body… you name it, it is the drug from hell for me..

But since I am getting no response from my primary care about the fact I stopped taking it after only 7 days, is telling and I got zero response from the call I made yesterday requesting a refill thru Wal-Mart for the cyclobenzaprine muscle relaxer… literally just spit on my monitor with my huge sigh… 

I will never understand the mentally healthy and the way they treat those of us with mental illness…

It’s like opening the bible and reading how it is okay to rape, murder, lie, steal, slavery, sodomy, incest… yep It feels like I am in the twilight zone, big time…

Well since it looks like I am my primary care provider until I see the neurologist…

Its back to taking this propranolol, but instead as directed, I will take a half tablet once daily… taking anymore, will drop my heart rate back below 50 and I know from my training, that is heart failure when it gets below 35… I know, I have to keep an eye on my husband… his life is mine, because the ER missed his heart failure, but I caught it… so he’s stuck with me…

Anyway…  I  know that because I have a board hearing that is probably why the irregular heart beat… no matter how much I try to focus on meditation etc… the thought of going before this dude, is anything but appealing… just hope I don’t have to do more than read my statement and that is that… It’s not like they can hurt me, I am already 100% service connected… I just think I should have been awarded that at my time of filing for benefits… Mike is working on getting me an ex JAG lawyer to take on the VA….

Anyway, the heart is beating out of my chest… I have a slight discomfort in my back, but that is the area of the muscle that knotted up and stuck out of the skin one year and has never been the same since the nurses at the Spokane VA stuck a needle in it…sigh… No jaw pain, no pain in my arm, no numbness, nothing that would indicate a pending heart attack… so I got to give it over to the jitters for todays board hearing… I really hate dealing with anyone who is in authority… and I think that goes back to when I died and had the stroke at 13… some of that incident, I may never remember… which isn’t a bad thing…

Need to go relax before we head to town… Chewed one of those CBD gummies, hoping it will calm me, since oral medication turns me into Freddy Kruger… which just a FYI, I am not allowed to behave any other way than what my medical care team things I should act like…

Holy crap on a cracker are they in for a rude awakening… I don’t get even… but I sure take advantage of situations when they arise… lots of little devil emojis… lol….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hopefully

Sgt. USAF DAV

Mike an I went over the conversation when the doctor gave me the perscription, she said half a tablet twice daily, so I followed her verbal order, probably why I did not look at the bottle.., Do I think I can tolerate half a pill a day, we will see… it obviously has some dieuretic in it, because thirst was high within an hr of taking the half pill an I could not get out of the car fast enough when we got home…

I wish I understood why medication an supplements screw with me, only thing I can figure, the stroke rewrote how my body responds an it will allow some meds an other meds turn me into Freddy Kruger…

So I am giving the drug another chance, because the BP numbers edging to 100 an higher, tells me it is a drug I need until they figure out what is wrong…But… I have had no phone call or any response from the doctors office…

I so miss the good care I got at one time before doctors made me a hostile patient…

Numbers are climbing… again…

This new BP heart monitor is a nice little gadget… but my numbers are climbing, especially diastolic number is getting close to 100 on both sides and this time the monitor picked up an irregular heart beat, that it classed as Atrial Fibrillation or probably just the tachycardia issue I have been dealing with forever…

I find it fascinating the MRA showed no issue where they thought would be one and I haven’t looked at the disc to see what they took pictures of… No I went with that the radiologists report says and I have to trust the person was right…

But it sure does not explain the non stop pain in my skull and it does not explain why my diastolic numbers are headed for stroke territory…

Since I got such a warm reception on the phone from my primary care office… I figure if they are all getting it wrong… Mike is going to be one very rich old man and my kids will be set for life… though I may be 6 feet under too… so haunting I will definitely do…

All kidding aside… the fact that the diastolic is climbing, tells me pressure is building someplace and if it’s not in the area they scanned and they missed it… well, like I said the blog is for the lawyer to access and the documentation the medical side has made… we’ll let a court decide if they did all they could have…

I really have no use for people who treat someone like me with a mental disability caused by a stroke that christians gave me… and I get treated like I am garbage..

Life has a way of getting even… just hope I am around to hear about it… I have gotten no response from my phone call yesterday…  and I have a feeling I have been fired as a patient by this doctor…  hubby knows what to do… and he will make damn sure if something does happen, I will have a new doctor…

Lets just hope this is paranoia and lack of sleep and the fact in a few hours I go before a VA judge for my appeal that has been going on since 2012… Yea for the VA system… NOT!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… I may lose her again if I have another stroke…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Past moments in time make sense, finally…

Last night when Mike and I were talking, it was obvious I still have work to do… I asked if he noticed any changes, since I got my memories back in Nov 2017…. and his response was…

“You are still angry and you have every right to be”… Well that ticked me off and I told him why It ticked me off… I stated….

“It is not so much anger, but frustration with how the medical side has blocked me every step of the way, until the MRI on the 26th of December… It’s as if, my words have zero value to the doctors and they act like I have to prove what I am talking about”!!!

Yes I am still angry, angry like before, no, that part has passed… but angry, because the medical and psychological medical community had blocked me at every turn… and that is not paranoia talking that is facts talking…

Imagine for 40 years since I went active duty in 1977… I have tried to get doctors to listen and hear… 40 years with Tachycardia that I didn’t understand, and totally freaked me out… 40 years of speech, memory, physical issues, that I could not explain and kept being told by many doctors, it was all in my head…

Well hello to that statement… it sure was all in my head… Right frontal lobe shows an old stroke and a bleed on the brain at one time… so yep it was all in my head… just not the fantasy the medical community insisted it was… wow, that was one big sigh I just let loose on…

And people wonder why I have absolutely no respect for the college educated doctors I have dealt with… when you have your medical records that cover your whole adult life… and you try to convince someone, you suffered a severe brain injury, but because I look fine on the outside and most of the time I don’t have communication issues… I was talking out my ass… holy crap on a cracker you can not fix the stupid of the college educated… all that means when they graduate, do residency… they passed tests… nothing more… but passed tests… anyone can do that if they study the subject matter… the one thing these morons never learned…

SHUT UP AN LISTEN!!!! Ugh!!!!

Understanding what I have been living with explains why I tire so easily mentally… and why sleep was and is so important for my well-being… and sleep, that is something I do not get much of, if the brain is being bothered by outside morons, like the doctors I have had to deal with… like right now!!! Called the office to tell them to schedule the eye doctor and you would have thought I became public enemy number one by the attitude and tone of voice… people must really think I am stupid and not able to read them… how do you think I got where I am… I am extremely observant… just ask Mike… he heard the phone call I made Tuesday morning!!!

When I cut all my blood cousins loose that I grew up with , on face book, calmness came back into my life and I didn’t understand that until I realized, the whole family knew what happened to me… getting them out of my life and keeping my birth family out of my life… is what gave me the opportunity to explore the memories that the family was trying to poison with their spin on the stories… how sad those lives are, because they thought they had a right to interfere with mine… sigh…. you really can not fix stupid and I am so over trying…

There are still many questions that need answering, like why I have pain in my skull and I think I know that answer, but it’s one that is hard to research… but, a bone scan would give some answers, not sure regular x-rays will do it… that being said… the one bone scan I do have does show damage, through out my body and I remember that quorum of orthopedic doctors asking me at Tripler, are you sure you have never been in a bad car accident or been beaten… at that time I had to say no, because I didn’t remember and when I called Freda from Japan and asked… of course she lied…

The bone scan shows damage to my skull, rib cage, arms, legs and spine… I wish I knew what box it was in, I would dig that film out and take it with me to the neurology appointment…  Hard to believe anyone would do this to a child… but it explains so much of the pain I deal with and the stroke tells me why I tire mentally when I am doing something that takes so much mental process… like ancestry DNA… 

I have had several DNA cousins reach out to me recently and it takes an effort for me to read the DNA and tell them how they are related…most of the time I get it right, but not always… and that is because of the stroke on my brain… that Freda denied ever happened… it really is a good thing we are not on the mainland… I would go and find the bitch and let her know a few things… but then I would end up in jail and that has never happened before, and it’s not going to happen now… No instead, I just look at the obituary for Mena, Arkansas… always hoping her name appears…

I told Peggy a few years ago, it wouldn’t be over until the woman was dead… and I didn’t even remember the abuse at that time, but my heart and brain did… for a christian woman, she is the most brutal, hateful human being along side of the man already dead… her co-conspirator… Don Bagwell… If I believed in gods and hell, I would wish him the worse… but death was it, there is nothing after you die…

I know… I died at 13 years of age at the hands of Don and Freda Bagwell…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… may her voice be heard around the world…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Aha moments happen at the weirdest times…

We had been talking before bed and we were going over the progress I have made since getting my memories back…

We know I have nothing acute in the brain, you know, blood clots, yada, yada… but are we sure about that…

Mike had me go from my childhood all the way up to when we got married… thanks to this Edetic memory… the aha moment happened when we got in bed…

“Pre-Diabetes”… when I was told that in 93, that was the time I went on Cholesterol and thyroid medication and I think that will be the clue for the neurologist… why???

Because Pre-Diabetes can give me the same issues I am having right now…

1… vision problems and that started at that time with blurred and double vision…

2… dizzy problems….

3… cognitive issues… 

4… speech issues….

5…my right kidney has been an issue…

That is all we can think of this morning… didn’t get much sleep last night, again…

So this is definitely something I will bring up to the neurologist next month… If it is diabetes… Don was a type 2 diabetic when he died… and I think his mom was too…

It is treatable, but we are talking medication and with the way my brain works and medications… that could be a problem…

But definitely something needing discussion with the doctor….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Anger & Frustration, not of my making!!!

I posted a copy of the fax I sent to my doctor… and yet that doctor’s appointment I had a week ago Friday still bothers me, why, because the doctors feelings were important and mine had zero value… and the doctor knew by the MRI I had suffered a stroke and I just became a patient with a brain injury, but that had no value to her, but her feelings were more important than mine…

And the office staff and the doctor made damn sure when I left that building I was in the wrong!!!

Anger and frustration… Do you know Freda is living, so is Peggy & Larry and so is Aunt Tiny… all of them know the truth…

But not one has reached out to tell me that truth and you can bet, they have read this blog… fear, fear I will expose them to the real world and not the fantasy world they built… fear… always about fear…

Maybe that is why I have more balls than any man I ever met… I know of none that could endure 60 years of non stop pain… no those are the ones that take the easy out by suicide…

Instead I wear my frustration across my soul and I wear my anger in my writing and once in a while it comes out to be exposed… yet, like I said as I left that clinic that day, they made damn sure I knew they were in charge and my feelings had zero to do with my health care… and now I am a hostile patient… and the anger boils and I want to scream and shout, how do they get away with it…

Religion… always comes back to people using religion as an excuse to do the worse to other humans… but their god will forgive them… I laugh and shake my head, I know the real truth…

I have watched as people like those at the clinic behave this way and something in life will happen that is anything but good and they will wonder why them…

Call me crazy, but I believe we all have a life force and it impacts each and every one of us… some call it Karma… I call it life getting even… this moment in time of pain and frustration will pass.. but the damage is done and I am now a hostile patient… and there is no going back… people never can hide who they really are…

Me… what you see, what you hear is what you get… I don’t deviate or change or adjust for anyone…why???

Because Margie deserves better and people are still trying to silence her voice… They silenced it when she was 6…

margie

cropped-cropped-maggi6yr1

Two different ages, the first picture taken around 6 yrs old and if you have knowledge of medicine, you can see the blunt force trauma fractures on the arms and you can see the bruises in the color picture…

Anger, so much anger that is impotent now… because I am trying so hard to heal… yet people keep silencing my voice… even the health care professionals… their feelings are more important than my 60 years of emotional, psychological and physical pain… I am trying so hard to heal… but they want silence… always wanting silence is the christian way…

My frustration used to take control and it would ruin my day, my week, my month and my year… it took me so long to get to this point and for me not to show frustration these last few months is beyond ludicrous… it is the christian way… silence the voice, to be seen not heard… when health care professionals treat you this way, you know they are christian… always working to silence the voice…

But my doctor and her staff made sure I heard their voice!!! and I was forced to apologize… and I did… BUT… I got zero apology from them…

Now I am a hostile patient that they made… but they won’t see that… no they are christian and it is about them and not the paying customer… or the patient… no it is about the healthy, working community and not the victims of domestic violence, rape, murder and assault… I have experienced all those and recently bullying in my own doctors office… always trying to silence, always trying to make it about them and not the person seeking help…

Yes, I have anger and I am frustrated… I know we will leave here in the next 24 months… much sooner if the transmesh lawsuit is finalized this year… so I need this clinic, because to start over, would put my health care at the bottom of the barrel and that is where I started when we moved to Hawaii and it took me over a year to get a doctor…

One fired me as a patient, my case to complicated, the other one, the office manager fired me as a patient…

I expect no less from the doctor I am seeing now… I have learned and realized, it’s not about my health care, it’s about them getting paid and me not having an opinion… how absurd is that??? sounds like Trumpism is more prevalent than anyone in America thought…

Rant over….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… I hope I never forget her again…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Pain and understanding it….

The physical pain is something that has been with me since I was 6 years old and the first beating that left me with blunt force trauma fractures in both arms, legs, thighs, chest, right hand, wrist and little finger…which is telling me as I type, quit using the damn little finger it hurts… sigh… another thing to have the doctor refer me on… it may need surgery, the pain is getting stomach churning, which means, it lets me know it’s not set right from when it broke and was never addressed by the doctors… it was hidden like so much of my body damage… and the pain, is not the kind you can ignore… ugh!!! yep this is the picture of all the damage as she digs her fingers into my injured arm… christians… have zero use for the bastards…

WHY

Once they told me officially about the two neuropathy issues I have, I did my research and I know we need a mini gym in our home, just no place to put it in this tiny home, so I walk, do things to build upper body and the exercises the orthopedic gave me and they help, but I know it’s not enough and I need professional help, so I will ask for a referral to PT on my next appointment in February…

Headaches… I really do not like self diagnosing… I can guess… but I would rather the pro’s do their job, but there is a very good chance these head pains I have are related to the stroke and they are migraines and the drug the doc just had me on for BP is for those type of issues… only one problem… I can not tolerate the medication… always a catch 22 with meds, supplements and my body… and I listen to my body… the doctors may not, but I do… So maybe the neuro dude I am seeing in a few weeks will be the one to make the call… so Tylenol as needed and that seems to help reduce how much the head hurts, but doesn’t stop all the pain from a couple of areas in my head…

I do have the area that is located near my primary vessel to my heart that hurts a lot, but I think that may be muscle or something like that related, but I don’t know… my blood pressure is rising, so that tells me something is going on with my vascular makeup… but with no plaque, occlusion or clots in the brain, it makes me doubt it is vascular, you would think it would show in the brain as well as the body… I mean it is all veins…

So another question I may or may not get to bring up… I never know what words I will be allowed to say in a doctor’s office anymore… it is obvious I have had to fight to be heard, but only one area is being addressed and that was the one I was most scared over and now that is coming to an end… it would be nice to get the following looked at…

Re-visit the occluded vein to my heart…

Check the little finger and see if anything is fixable with that old break or is it something that will just be???

Find out why my feet are so tight and Neuro may give me that answer in a few weeks…

Why does the muscle in my left back shoulder-blade area, never relax… again PT might fix that…

Vision, get a definitive answer as to the blurry and once in a while double vision… that may be stroke related…

Finally, why has it taken the VA since May of 2018, to approve dental implants… with a patient like me, whose body is riddled with nerve damage, implants is the only way to stop all the pain I have in my mouth… I have had root canals done and the pain is still on going… Why am I waiting for so long, when I am a priority 1, service connected 100% disabled vet… yet I have heard no word on my dental surgery… not a peep…. bet the men did though… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

The Fun has Begun… and what a ride…

If nothing else out of this damn mess, I now understand, why at 14, I started having depression…

STROKE!!! that no one in the Air Force medical side told me, nor did I get any treatment, physical therapy, nothing…

No I was thrown to the wolves, because christians in the military and christians in civilian life… if that isn’t a call to run the religious out of our nation, I don’t know what is…

It’s not religion they fear… it’s getting caught and I was never supposed to remember…

Just like the movie the Shinning… when he sticks his head in the hole in the door and says “I’m Home”…. so am I…. run you bastards, run, but you can not hide…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Which Direction Now???

Like I said, I got a real good nights sleep, we were in bed at 8PM and didn’t get out of it till 6AM… we were both that tired and over stressed and that is the worse thing you can do to a heart patient or a patient with a brain injury… so this write-up is going on a supposition, so we can come back and see how accurate I was or was not… Remember… I have no problem owning being wrong… wish the college educated would do that… but that would mean head on shoulders and not up ass… so here goes what I think is going to happen and how this journey will come to an end very quickly after the Neurology appointment in February… so here goes…

I have talked how a thought will go zooming across the brain and it hits a wall and if at the right spot, the thought process is gone, poof and I mean the whole thought that I was thinking…

This is something I have been aware of for decades… and that was when I started doing things to help me remember, so that if that happened, I didn’t lose the thought completely… now you get why this blog is so important… maybe to no one else, but to me… this is my bread crumb trail… and it has turned out to be the best thing I could have done…

So when the thought process hits the dead zone we will call the stroke area and I lose that thought, if it doesn’t reroute within a couple of seconds, I know it is gone for good… do I ever get it back, once in a while… and it is always an abstract thought I lose, explain that, I can’t… it just works that way for me… but when it reroutes or hits the dead zone, I can just about pinpoint in my brain where it is happening and you got it… exactly where the stroke is… now you get why sleep was so good last night… I got some of my answers…

MS, Parkinson’s… any of the illness that cause lesions and plaque on the brain or malformation… those didn’t show up in the MRI or MRA… does that rule them out, I would think so, but again, I don’t have a degree…

That being said… what I do know about stroke, and believe you me, I am reading anything and everything I can now, to understand its dynamics and implications for the rest of my life… it explains the past and that is a fact…

So what I thought about the memories that I have lost, and I expect the neuro dude to confirm this… but the memories that I can not recall, were in that area of the brain impacted by the stroke… and memories is something I have done tons of reading about… which is why I knew my sister lied about her infarct she never had… she was protecting herself, because she was instrumental in damaging Margie’s brain…

It just amazes me, how astute I was as a child, walked through life, served my country, led a productive life and I still came out on top compared to my siblings… who have lied, stole, cheated, raped and abused all in the name of their gods… Freda may have stole those lives… but the one she could never control…

Margie….

I expect to be sent to physical therapy so I can learn some more tools to make my life better and keep my mobility and also make the brain use other areas more productively…

Will I ever have a normal life… lol, no…. The stroke altered my personality and the little girl who has fought me for decades to be heard, will always be a part of me and she will be the one to make me cringe when Maggi does something she doesn’t like… but when it comes down to it…

Maggi is the one that owns this life… and Margie is free of her cell and she lets me know she is in there, because she does have one quirky sense of humor as hubby has found… and others will to, if they are receptive…. I tolerate zero bigotry from any human….

As for all the head pain, I think, if they X-ray the skull, we will find I have an old fracture or dent or something that shows why that area of my head hurts and has always hurt since Margie died in Big Springs, Texas….

I also know, that excitement and adrenaline will never be my friend, it triggers head pain and the tachycardia…

Now about the heart… I had a bunch of test done at El Paso VA and they found no issues with my heart, except for the vessel that is partly occluded and I think that is a result of CPR or blunt force trauma, when Margie died…

I broke my ribs on my right side when I got drunk once, back in the 90’s… but I never sustained any injury to my left ribs… yet they always hurt and they hurt just like the 2 ribs I broke in half on the right side… do you know it took me 3 months to seek medical care and when they x-rayed my ribs and said when did you do this, they were stunned… now you get it… because of all the damage to my central nervous system by being beaten so often in the Bagwell household… I don’t feel pain the way you do… and yes those broken ribs put men in the hospital whining like babies… and some think I don’t deserve to be a veteran… wow, men and their impotent brains between the legs… just saying…

Anyhow… not sure what the neuro doc will do, I am not interested in taking any paper tests… took my last one at El Paso and it is sad that doctor was murdered by a patient… the man was brilliant and he used all of his brains… just saying…

According to all I have read about strokes… every issue I am having is related to it…

As for all the pain I deal with, that is likely related to one or both of the neuropathy issues I have….

As for the vision problems… DNA testing says I carry one gene for MD and my mother has glaucoma… both I have known about for decades and I think now that the MRA showed no issues with my eyes… it is time to go back to an eye doctor and tell them, when you check me… I had a stroke at 13 on the right frontal lobe and have vision issues and let them do the job they are being paid for… you can not tell them anything if you have no proof…look how long it took to convice the doctor I have now…

I don’t think any of these people know what truth really is and when it happens, their religious behavior takes over and those of us who live by truth suffer…. all because of man made gods… wow you just can not fix stupid… and I am so over trying too… fixt their stupid I mean…

Physical therapy is in my future, no doubt about that, exercise will become more a part of my life than I like, but skinny weenie I will become once again… I know, been there done that… and I will know when the head hurts when doing exercises… it’s because of the shell of the body, and not the brain…

So we are 3 weeks away from seeing the neurologist and we will see how accurate this write-up is…

Am I interested in Neuropsychology…. NOPE!!! If my brain helped to keep me sane and alive for 5 decades without doctors… It will keep me alive as long as the body says the heart will pump… educated is only good if they make use of the education and leave judgemental behavior outside… but hey they are human and think they are know it alls…. NOT!!!! I am proof of that… but doc was right about nothing acute in the brain… so she got points for that…

So yea, it should be interesting what happens next….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and if all goes well, her book will be a best seller and she will always be remembered as a fighter and survivor… who never let christians steal her soul….

Sgt. USAF DAV

What comes next is up to ME….

Big sigh of relief, before I start writing… why… because I got the best night of sleep I have had in years… all because of yesterday’s MRA… the answer I have waited for since Big Springs, Texas…

FIFTY ONE YEARS !!!!! but hey, my doctor thinks I should be patient… I thought I had for 51 fucking years of patience!!!! But my humanity and feelings have zero to do with a doctor and her little world… patients just pay for that world… just a FYI!!!

Now I promise you the health care professionals I am dealing with will look at me as a hostile patient and treat me as such… they did in the clinic yesterday when I asked for a copy of the results to be faxed to me, they said the doctor has to say it is okay to fax it!!!

ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME???????????

Tri-west is specific on any tests that are done on veterans, we are to promptly be provided a copy of those results and just because you have a private practice, doesn’t mean you can make up rules that keep the patient from having a say… you agreed to the contract with Tri-West!!!!! They put it in writing!!!!

So already, I have a problem with my primary care, because they have turned me into a hostile patient, because I know the rules and I know government regulations, help to write a couple and I know the laws!!!!

If the hospital that did the test could fax me a copy, any excuse from my primary doctors office was just that an EXCUSE!!!! and a bull shit one at that… now my tachycardia is letting me know it is there!!!!

Anyway, when we got home, I sat my fax up as fast as I could, we just bought the machine a few days ago and I had no clue how it worked, and had to do the set up… but lo and behold, 15 mins later, the fax from the hospital came in with my results… and the doctor’s office bull shit excuse went in the toilet!!! so over people who think they are gods!!!

And it does create an ethical issue between me and my primary doctor right now… it means I have zero trust that she has my best interest in the forefront and not an issue of control over my rights and health care… and people wonder why health care in America is so screwed up… because they hate informed patients!!!! so they do the worse and hope we die and their little problem goes away… well this bitch is not going anywhere and answers I will continue to get….

Okay enough rant…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

All on the Stroke…

I do not get this part, but my brain is foggy tonight….

Thought on this whole mess Freda an Don created an how do I come out on top???

If the stroke from my teen year is the thief, I doubt there is anything I can do about the lost memories….

As for the motor skills an speech, I would guess therapy will help with those areas an give me back some of my independence….

But, I accept, some of my past may be gone and I have already lost so much, it just doesn’t work in my favor this time around…we do not always win, we just keep trying, an I will never quit trying to remember…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt USAF DAV

Last write of the day…

First and foremost thank you my primary doctor for being right about the brain and it was not acute… you earned points this time around… and I lost points…

It is a sobering realization that a stroke changed me forever at 13 years old and another injury at 14 and the final one at 17… All injuries to my head…

For 51 years, since the event happened in Big Springs, Texas… I wanted to know, how bad was I hurt and why didn’t anyone ever tell me… the why, I will not get an answer to that… Freda is terrified of me showing up at her house… and thankfully, I do not need to ever see the demon from hell ever again… I got my answers…

Knowing that I am not a high risk for so much stuff that could have been, tells me that bucket of shit Freda says I fall into, I came out smelling like magnolias…

We know something is wrong, we just don’t know what… I know my personality has been impacted and it has gotten progressively louder over the last 20 years… I know my ability to have empathy for others is slightly impacted, like I have zero for the federal workers right now… I learned when I worked, pay a month in advance so if this happened I was prepared… It happened when I was in the military and that was a lesson I carried through life…

Sleep tonight should be interesting and It should be telling… I think I suffer from some form of panic attacks… not outwardly, but internally and I need to work on gaining control over that mechanism….

This test today, took 51 years of wonder and curiosity and satisfied it to the max…

Yes I have abnormal brain waves and yes I have PTSD… but I have TBI’s and now I know what happened and just that bit of knowledge…

Just might allow the brain to heal a little bit more on its own… We are not done with doctors… the neuro deficit is real and Mike see’s it and it freaks him out… not something I am able to hide anymore… and the attitude.. just like I said before…

I have a brain injury… who did you expect, Doris Day???

I am who I am, and if you are a health care professional, I suggest you remember just that one word….PROFESSIONAL…. and the other word…

PATIENT…. I am done playing a person I am not… who you see is who you get and if I am going to be discriminated against because of my brain injury… I have my tool right at my hands… and it is seen around the world now… I hit every continent with Margies story… and I will use names… as long as I tell the truth… no one can touch me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Journey into Mental Illness Continues…

It is a sobering realization that I may have mental illness, that I was not born with… but because of Traumatic Brain Injury, this very well may be my new life…

Unfiltered mouth and opinion… Fearless, because I will take on anyone and everyone… and own it if necessary…

psychologically I can tell things have changed… and it’s not worry kind of change…

No it just means, those times I bite my tongue are gone forever… It also means… I do not have to apologize to one living person on this planet…

And my grandchildren take heed to this statement…

I have already been to hell and back and temper tantrums by adults that are related to me… just keeps you on the outside looking in, why??? Because I am so over narcissistic behavior from all of them… Their little old mommies should tell them exactly the kind of sacrifices Mike and I made for them when the were little… but that is okay… this unfiltered mouth of mine has many rules and one of them…

“Just ask yourself before you open that hole and let loose a shot”, because my reply, want to find out if that barrel is really empty or do I fire the final shot???

I heard nothing but hypochondria behavior from most of them… and those who have read my blog, you get why, don’t even go there…. made up illness, has no value to anyone or anything and it will always get you the wrong attention…

So this rant is an indication of my mental status… I love my kids, I love my grand kids… but I will be hog tied, before I put up with one moment of rudeness, disrespect and most of all expecting me to pay for anything…

Those days are long gone as are the changes to the WILLs….

I will not make excuses for my behavior from here on out… and if any health care professional has a problem with it… we can take it right to the American Medical Board, and that health care professional will find… that oath they took, Do No Harm… means something…

Nope, from here on out, if someone doesn’t like my attitude, my question will be, what do you expect from some one with a brain injury….

Doris Day???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… there is hope…

Sgt. USAF DAV

What happens next???

Relief is an understatement… no clots, no fistulas or aneurysms…. no occluded vessels… which gives me a clue about the occluded vessel that goes to my heart that the Air Force found in 1978…. thoraic trauma, which makes sense with the way those ribs hurt and I never hurt them… but someone else did…

The journey is a rocky road, with lots of quick sand in the middle…

One thing Mike will tell you… tell her what is wrong and she figures out how to live with it and it becomes part of me…

Well we still do not know what is wrong with me, we know now for sure, I had a stroke and a bleed on the brain… and since there is no blood clot, will go with this supposition…

The stroke happened 1967, Big Springs, Texas when Margie died… now for the blood on the brain… for that one, I doubt it happened when the stroke incident happened… No, I think, with the memory of how sick I was because I pissed off Freda & Peggy and Don beat the crap out of me and it had not been a year since the stroke… that is when the brain bled… It makes sense with the symptoms I remember having for those couple of weeks I was down and out… and no, they never took me to the doctor… I was evidence…

We know that I was repeatedly dropped from the top bunk onto the floor on my back impacting the back of the skull… bone scans confirm that damage…

So this all could be as simple as excess fluid on the brain from the spine and they will want to do a spinal tap… so not up for that test…

Paper tests will not give them any further information… I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2011 at the El Paso, VA…. and that is the kind of test they would give me… been there and done that… redundancy is for the kids… we have that answer and that could be the cause of lots of my issues…

But I kind of doubt it… I think there is something else and I haven’t a clue what it could be…

But something is taking from me and something is making daily life more challenging that it needs to be…

All I know… my primary doctor was 100% right and I was wrong… and I have no problem owning that… 

I see the neurologist next month… he may order some more tests… but it will be interesting to hear what he has to say… got a feeling I just might learn something…

MS & Parkinson’s are always possible, I doubt if the other stuff would apply…

But like I said, it could be nothing more than PTSD and I need to learn to work the brain in a different way, so the reaction I get is positive and not a hinderance…

Long day over, we are both beat and the drug they gave me for the MRI… never again… turned me into a female gonzila!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

MRA Results…

Holy crap on a cracker, if this isn’t a time to let loose the tears… aww never mind, hate the stuffy nose, blood-shot eyes and head pain…

The MRA was negative for blood clots, fistulas…. everything… for that one section of my brain… It was negative…

So what does that mean next… 

Well I am having neurological deficits and it needs to be addressed… 

We could be looking at anything from dementia, to Parkinson’s, to multiple sclerosis…. I don’t have an answer for that question…

I am just relieved, no clot, no fistula and no fear of bleeding out… and it only took from 1967 to now to get answers…

Whats next… Well I am sure there will be some neurological tests done to determine why I am having problems…

It may be nothing more, than what I have lived with since the Texas incident and my 2 abnormal brain waves, may be normal for me…

Until I see the neurologist in February, I won’t have any answers… doubt any other tests will be ordered before I see him…

Mike and I are acutely aware I am having neurological problems… much like you would expect with dementia… but I just don’t know…

All I can do now is wait… the doctor did her job, she got the test done… it doesn’t explain my blood pressure climbing and it only does that when I have pain in my head… so is there a connection, don’t know… 

Findings:  There is the nomal appearance of the vertebral and basilar arteries, carotid arteries, and its branches at the Circle of Willis… The visualized intracranial arteries are normal in appearance without any evidence of aneurysmal dilation or occlusion… The intracranial carotid arteries have symmetrical flow and are unremarkable…

IMPRESSION:  No abnormality identified….

Yipee!!!! Until more test are done, I won’t know what is causing the neurological deficit… but at least we know it isn’t anything that is going to snuff out my light any time soon…

And I will never take that sedative for a MRI again… that crap made me super bitchy… I really hate drugs…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USA DAV

MRA done…edited

Report will not be ready for a couple days, so until I get home an look at the CD of the scan, I have no answers let alone questions…

Headed back to the other side of Hawaii, be home soon a I can hit the computer an see if I have a DAVF….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margi

Sgt USAF DAV

MRA day…edited

Checked vitals after stopping BP med, systolic on both sides up, tachycardia active an sleep a thing of the past… once again…

Long day ahead… Fingers crossed if DAVF is there it is a benign an not aggressive issue, will know here very soon…. just hoping no CVD… and hope it self corrected, but my gut says I got the short end of this…and the damn thing just let me know it is there….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember..Margie…

Sgt USAF DAV

Personality can change due to a TBI… you know yourself better than anyone… trust you… but listen too…

Predictors of Personality Change Due to Traumatic Brain Injury in Children and Adolescents Six to Twenty-Four Months After Injury | The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences

Reading this reminds me of when I asked the Air Force shrink if you could change your personality… That man should never be allowed to practice in psychology or psychiatry… I gave him a major clue and all the Air Force was interested in… pushing me out to protect Vance AFB when my child was raped in base housing… by the 1st Sgt. son!!! Circa base housing 1979 to 1981…

Anyhow, this is the first time I found something I could actually share in my blog… 

If you have a TBI and you know your personality changed… this made so much sense to me… do I get all of it… oh hell no… My brain is so full of everything I have been trying to cram into it, plus remember all the stuff I have been through with the VA, so I can go back and look at the records…

Those copies of my medical records are not in order and there are 2 other veteran’s records mixed in with mine… so reading my records only does me good, If my high functioning memory is working and I know where to look and when, other wise… I will put myself to sleep reading all the stupid crap in there that has nothing to do with my health care!!!

Anyway, this is a good write… I knew after the boob incident, something was off and that my personality was off, from what I used to be like… so that tells me, I suffered for sure a head injury at 8…

It really does amaze me, with all the head trauma I have, I functioned in life without killing anyone in the process….

Always about choice… Always… but if they don’t fix this issue… oh unfiltered is the least of my kids problem when we get home… I have an excuse and you can bet I will use it… it’s called payback…lol

Source: Predictors of Personality Change Due to Traumatic Brain Injury in Children and Adolescents Six to Twenty-Four Months After Injury | The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… I am working to make sure those involved never forget…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Seattle VA is the screw up system…edited…

I have been trying for a while to figure out when it happened and what facility and that aha moment, coming out of being sleep deprived… it was… drum roll please…

Seattle VA Peugeot sound facility 2002… that screwed everything up and dropped the ball on my health care… so I have to apologize… to…

Spokane VA… They had my back and Ellen and Dr. Rubio did all they could have done for me and ordered the tests… and this is why they aren’t to blame… 

I saw, ENT, GI, Neurology, orthopedic and Cardiology… Cardiology I think, not 100% sure on that, I remember wearing a halter unit, when they were trying to catch the tachycardia issue I have…

Anyway… when Mike took a job with a little company in Seattle, we left our little property, that we would own out right now, if we had been able to fix up all the damage done to it… but that ‘s another story… both homes were brand new, didn’t look like it after the people moved out of them… sorry I digress…

We move to Seattle and live their for a little over a year and Mike gets sick and that is the end of our dream… and Arkansas VA system comes into play…

So, our move out of the Spokane VA system in 2002 where health care was good and started the ball rolling for poor health care from 2002 at Seattle Va till now all I have gotten is incompetent, negligent and short-sighted health care professionals… Why???

Because the VA system is so messed up by being run by incompetent, stupid, college educated morons… If it wasn’t so, we wouldn’t have so many vets dying daily from suicide… and my health care I have ranted about for over a year, would not even be talked about…

Ever see the movie Ghost busters??? And the pencil neck moron that worked for the Mayor that caused all the problems???

Welcome to the Veterans Administration Health Care System…

Now you understand why veterans are dying… Do not let your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, mothers or fathers join the military… unless they go into the military with the knowledge… the very organization that is supposed to take care of us and support us… Is doing all it can to put us 6 feet under…

My body is my evidence and the paper trail the morons left behind, because they never thought they would get caught…

Jeez my book is going to have a lot of names in it along with the nasty comments they made… those very same federal employees whining about a paycheck… sure explains my lack of empathy… and FYI, I have all my medical records from 1971 to now… with names, address’s etc… the dumb ass’s thought they could be vulgar and never get caught… boy howdy my book just got a little more interesting when I acknowledge them individually with a copy of their BS from my records… thank you dumb dumb’s… got a grin out of me on that…

Just Saying…

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I Remember… Margie… got a feeling she may get very well-known…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neurology did happen in 2000….

Not getting much sleep and it got me to thinking about a sleep incident and that was when I got to thinking about the trip to Oregon that the Spokane VA sent me on and if we both remember correctly, it was for a contrast scan of my brain and I can not tell you if it was a CT or MRI… I am thinking it was a CT, but I haven’t checked my medical records yet…

I remember them telling me they saw no plaque on the brain and If I remember right they were looking for MS, because I was having problems with you got it, speech, motor skills, all the stuff I am dealing with right now… sigh…

I remember using something about that evaluation for an appeal that I had going on with the VA… and that is all I got with this memory…

I do not remember any kind of follow-up… and I think that was because the next year, we gave up our home so our grandkids were not living in a death trap and they trashed it beyond belief and we were living in our motor home and hubby had got a new job that was making our dreams come true…

So somehow, between the move out of the Spokane VA system and into the Seattle VA system… they dropped the ball and with me having issues with the brain, my memory probably was just as sketchy as it is now, when this goofy thing in my head is playing ping-pong… I have no answer… bet I wake up in the middle of the night remembering though… ugh!!!

But the ball being dropped by the VA system is a systemic problem and veterans die because of it and that is a daily occurrence in the VA system… something the American people do not give a rats ass about…

But they will collect 20 million dollars for a wall that the cartels are already digging tunnels under… just saying… but they won’t support veterans and that promise that was given to us by swearing that oath of allegiance… yet they bitch about the flag and a kid kneeling at a foot ball game… you really can not fix stupid… you just can’t…Guess freedom is secular, just like religion…. wow, shook my head on that ignorance…

As for the neurology, If I am remembering correctly, they did start the process and screwed up when I moved… and how did that happen… because the only thing anyone can find in our medical records is 3rd party rhetoric put their by FEDERAL EMPLOYEES and most of them are veterans… Bigotry at its best and it be the VA system….

Anyhow… I quit the BP med and why I get a call out of the blue to see an eye doctor is beyond ludicrous…

I have known for decades that glaucoma runs in the family as well as age related macular degeneration…. I also paid for my own eye exam at Sams club 2 months before we moved here in 2016, as well as paid for the foot doctor!!!! Why, because I couldn’t get the VA in El Paso to do their damn job!!!

Informed patient means just that… Mike said… those morons do not want an informed patient, because they know if they screw up you can sue their ass for the maximum amount the mal practice insurance covers…

Why isn’t it about health care and doing what you are supposed to…

“Do No Harm”!!!!

Just a FYI, I informed the doctors that I see, about everything I can and 9 times out of 10… they shut me up… and that is when dear old husband starts coming in the room with me as a witness and when he has a doctor like that… I am in the room with him…

It doesn’t take me long to recognize when someone disregards my intelligence and my ability to call them out on their bull shit… Do you know my doctor told me there was no such scans for the brain last year, before I convinced her about issues and she ordered the EEG???

I never appreciated my edetic or high functioning memory as much as I do right now….

Tomorrow my lawyer will call with good news…. I am so ready to leave here…

I just got to get what ever is going on in my brain fixed, before it fix’s me permanently…. and hopefully keep the VA from putting me 6 feet under… they do it to so many of us….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… I hope those involved never forget…

Sgt. USAF DAV

BP med…Another med in the trash….

Propranolol…. another drug my body will not tolerate… You want to talk about a living hell for the last 8 days… well that drug is number 1 on my list to never take… in fact, I will never take another Beta blocker or anything else along this line…

The misery my body and brain has been in since I started the medication 9 days ago is off the chart…

My body is showing bruises that just appear, my internal organs hurt and they already hurt to begin with!!!

Sleep, I wouldn’t have a clue what sleep is and haven’t had any sleep since I started the medication a week ago Friday!!!!

As for my heart rate, when I checked my pulse this morning, I thought I was feeling a person who was dying, the pause between beats was that long!!!! and yep I took that fancy new monitor and checked it via that also, way to low, below 60 beats per minute!!!

Nope this is one drug and class of drug, I will never take again….

According to the science, and the fact I was taking half a tablet in the AM & PM… and haven’t been on it long enough to have any long-term impact…

This morning half pill will stay in its bottle!!!

MRA is in a couple of days… if there is any type of vein disorder or disease, not sure this test will show it… that was why I wanted a cerebral angiography… my instincts tell me I have exactly that kind of problem…

But psychic I am not and tired and exhausted I am… I would rather be rested for the upcoming MRI test, than exhausted and off the chart bitchy when I go to that hospital for the test…

If they do find an acute problem, it is all on the VA to get me to Oahu before I have a stroke or heart attack…

Like I said, lawyers have been on our payroll for a couple of years… we both have pending lawsuits because of implants that caused damage to our bodies… both hubby and I… Not something I like to think about… another round of intrusive lawyers… but I am so over not being heard!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…will anyone???

Sgt. USAF DAV

Anger gone… what fills the void….

At one time when I talked about the rapes I was forced to endure… I was angry… and when I talked of what happened to my children, that anger flowed out in a rage that left me breathless… and wanting blood…

As the #MeToo movement came about and more women and men came forward, I knew, I was not alone and I also knew I would never get justice… just like so many others…

The shame is not on me, but the ones who perpetrated the crimes in the name of their gods… called Jesus… and under their oath in the United States Air Force…

As I talked over the last 13 months of the violence I endured at the hands of Don & Freda Bagwell, that rage came back along with anger and a desire to hurt those that hurt me…

Knowing full well I would never drop to the level of evil that christians are and always will be…

I listened to the victims tell how they forgave those that hurt them and I knew, religion colored their thought process, because it is religion that believes we should forgive those who rape, murder, lie, steal and cheat their way through life…

I so disagree with that thought… They do not deserve any forgiveness of any kind and never should be welcomed back into the fold of humanity and you ask why???

The people who committed crimes against me, my children and so many more….

Made a conscious choice, a choice they chose over their own humanity… they stole from you and me…

Forgiveness is nothing more than a christian head fake, when in reality, those that commit such crimes, should never be allowed to live in or among society ever…

They made a choice to gain pleasure from someone else’s pain…

That choice should leave them forever on the outside looking in and I have every right to make that choice to not allow them back into my world…

To forgive and move on is to allow that person to own your soul, because they won over your humanity and left you the victim feeling guilt and pain… they will always win… if you forgive them…

Life is and always will be, about choice…

Forgiveness is not humanity, it is stupidity at its best… and your own fear of being left on the outside looking in…

I choose my world and my humanity over the christian head fake…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Anger outburst, Apology accepted…

As this has evolved with my adjusting to the reality of death, brain injury, multiple ones and a stroke at 13 years of age…

I had to learn some psychology so that I didn’t literally beat myself up on a daily basis…

Part of the area of my brain damage, impacted my personality and I brought that up to an Air Force psychiatrist, his response was anything but professional and that was when I knew I was being pushed out to protect Vance AFB image, but the truth about rape and attempted murder would be swept under the rug… and that was 1983, and psychology became my new pet interest…

Though I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with my brain in 1977,  it was obvious for decades the VA and Air Force had zero interest in helping me… now most of those involved with the cover up are dead and all that is left, a paper trail and my body of evidence….

Me….

Now about the anger… I own my behavior, always have… you can take it or leave it and you can love me or hate me… that is 100% on you, not me…

As the last 13 months have passed and I have recovered the repressed memories and once I got the MRI results verifying the brain damage… that was when the anvil sitting on my shoulders disappeared… I knew where my anger came from and I knew why…

Severe traumatic Brain Injury to the right superior lateral lobe and it stole from me… it stole Margie, the passive, bubbly little girl who died in Big Springs, Texas and the Air Force knew…

If I had not had the intelligence to deal with this journey, suicide would have been written all over my epitaph decades ago… but I knew, deep in my mind I knew, this was not me and for 50 years the battle raged between Maggi & Margie…

Is their a winner yet… You know their may never be a winner in this life time….

I will only lose, If I quit growing as a person… I will lose if I fail to own my life….

Knowledge is the most powerful gift you can give yourself… I acknowledge that because of a TBI not of my making… there will always be that moment in time, where the brain injury wins and Margie loses… but I acknowledge it is out of my control…

Because 2 christian adults murdered a little girl, because she knew the truth…

Fixing this blood clot in my skull will not change the personality that was left, after a traumatic brain injury… the person I am, is who I am meant to be…. and I need make no excuses to anyone on this earth….

I own who I am and I am very proud of the woman I have become, despite the christians taking my life… they never got my soul… that belongs to….

Margie…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Lifes Distractions….

It has been an interesting day so far… You try to help someone and you can tell, they wear blinders and all you can do, give the advice and wish them good luck and turn the page onto the next thing that needs addressing…

I do miss having internet and access to all the things I enjoy doing, like research, ancestry, medicine, writing… I am just curious about all things that have to do with life and its evolution…

Yet I am so enjoying this down time and isolation and seclusion as I adjust to the knowledge of what happened to me as a child…

For all the rhetoric out there and the words people spout, until they have been down this path of violence, deceit and flat-out criminal behavior, their naiveté is not appealing, nor welcomed… and I blame that on religious beliefs and not actual life… the religious have no clue about life, because they hide from it and commit the worse of crimes against humanity… but their god will forgive them…

No the naiveté and lack of real understanding of the world we live in, is why America is in the mess it is now… it makes living here on Hawaii secular, because it is mostly a Socialist, Democratic state… one of the reasons we look forward to leaving… I never took a hand out… I worked for everything I have ever owned… 

It is a gorgeous day today, the wind blowing and I can hear the Myna birds making a rucus as they feed in the yard… no mechanical noises, except for that occasional car driving by… and the dumb ass blasting noise, like I want to hear it… so over bigots…

This is the kind of day, we would have gone exploring, but can’t, because of the pain in my skull…. and it lets me know it is there…

I am looking forward to our move home and the land we plan to buy… I so get why many veterans bought land in remote areas…

Some of us just need that peace, we can only find in America, back at the place we call home….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

That box of chocolates, got a bite taken out of it…edited

I will never forget the movie Forest Gump…. only because of the one line… “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you got, till you take a bite”… and that is so very true in life…

I got a message from a DNA relative looking for their biological father… which I couldn’t help him, but I could put him on the right track… only because of his DNA report and the people that he was related too, so am I and it’s unique, because it is through a half uncle who had a different dad from my dad… and the kid is retired Air Force… lol, life, it never gets boring does it…but the connection is definitely through the Brixey line, that I am sure of…Cooper, not so much…

I had good reception on the cell and was able to get off the reports to other DNA relatives that are trying to find their biological families… so it was a very busy morning when I got up… now the reception has dropped and I am back to the blog, email and good old FB… research, hit and miss, which is the norm for living here… in our little piece of paradise…

Sleep, is not happening and the pain in my skull just let me know it’s there and still painful… so looking forward to this MRA test in a couple of days…

Vision is off and on with the blurry part… Motor skills and speech are definitely impacted at this time, so If I get over tired mentally it will just get worse… thus why I try to get so much done, first thing in the morning, before the pain and brain decide to screw with me…

Bitchy, yes a little… that unfiltered mouth of mine right now is best kept at home and on its own property… that way I can be less mindful of what comes out of that mouth… Hubby is used to it and just ignores me when I spout off… nice to have that kind of support now, non-judgemental… and yep, still pissed about last weeks doctors visit… sigh… that should not even be on my mind, but it is… people just don’t get it… if you can’t deal with cranky, frustrated patients… you are in the wrong job…

I do miss working with patients… I so enjoyed being there for them and helping them… guess that just isn’t in the cards for this patient…

The weight quit dropping off, no clue why It happened to begin with… but I did get in that dress I have had for 17 years… the one I plan to be buried in… will that happen again before death, no clue… but it was fun fitting into it, even if just for one day…

Other than the pain in the side of my head and all the symptoms that go with it… it’s turning out to be a nice weekend here on Hawaii…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Left side weakness abated, but motor skills impacted…

The pattern is holding consistent with what happened from the end of July to the 1st of Jan…

Real bad pain in my head in the right dura behind my eye and above my ear, left side of the body gets weak and after a few hours, the weakness backs off, but my motor skills and speech are impacted…

Have to admit, no tachycardia… That is another thing that has come back to haunt me… 

Before the BP med a week ago, it had been an on and off type thing, where I can feel my heart beat and pulse through out my body… Something that was beyond annoying after the Japan beating in 68….

Over the last 10 years, that sensation of feeling the blood flow, hearing the whooshing sound in my ears and feeling every heart beat, actually backed off and I think that is a clue…but I am not a doctor and this field of medicine is beyond confusing and it takes me time to research, understand and eliminate everything that does not apply and that takes time and lots of reading and with my eyes, that hasn’t been fun… 

Anyway, it leaves me exhausted… lots of time I can taste blood or a metal taste… things I have brought up to gastrointerologist, primary care….  just anyone that would listen… and we can see how far that got me…

The test is in a few days… by this time next week… I just might have some answers… and there goes the tachycardia… when that damn thing started in 78, It totally freaked me out… though the primary doctor I have now did catch it and got a diagnosis and don’t ask me the name… I can’t access the goofy site they use for our office visits… one of these days I will ask her again for the name she gave it…. just not a priority at the moment and neither is their website… some times technology is not all it’s cracked up to be… 

As for the vision this afternoon, it lets me know, when I get a pain strong enough to be annoying in the side of my head, the vision will change… on these days… the glass’ are on and off… but blurred and just a hint of double vision… which I have said before is like a kaleidoscope… when you really think about it… those things make everything look like you are seeing duplicate… so I need to watch my phrasing when I write… 

I am monitoring my vitals and I have taught Mike what he needs to know and the doctor confirmed one thing I wasn’t sure about, so he wouldn’t do the wrong thing… so I have done all I can, until the test is done or something happens…

Me…. I am rooting for the test next week and nothing happening… and doing a little shopping before coming home…

Hope springs eternal… that the people at Costco aren’t rude as usual… people on Hawaii just have zero sense of humor… no lie…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Adrenaline is my number one enemy… and depression steps in to play….

I do not know for sure when it started, but I knew if I got over excited, be it a movie that scares the crap out of you or life moments… I knew it was not good for my body… I never understood that, until I got my memories back Nov 2017…. so for 50 years I missed out on a lot of life… just because my body betrayed me… and I didn’t know why…

After the call from the doctor’s office this morning, I went on a tangent, didn’t last more than a few minutes, but it was enough to get too much adrenaline in my system and by the time we were done eating breakfast, my heart rate had gone up, and I went into my old mode of bio feedback and just worked at lowering the pounding in my chest… sometimes that works and lately, not a snow balls chance in hell… so I continued about my morning and did my chores and it hit…

All of a sudden I have weakness on my whole left side… and it was freaky, cause I was using a sharp knife to dig the rocks out of the tread of my tennis shoes and one wrong move and that knife would be inside my left arm holding the shoe… why… because the left arm, went weak as well as the whole side of my body and I knew I was not going to be doing anything for about an hour… this has happened before…

So I told Mike what was happening, and went and sat down at my computer and played a game… I made myself take my mind off all the ugly behavior of the health care system and all the bull shit rhetoric that goes with it…

My left side still feels weak, but I am typing and it is responding to my commands to perform… but doing anything else for a while, got a feeling Mike will be in the kitchen with me, when I fix dinner… We have seen this happen lots over the last few months… and each time… the right lobe, where there is supposedly nothing acute going on, lets me know, hey, I am going to make you feel miserable and make you wish you were dead type feeling… the pain gets that intrusive sometimes…an yes I know to go to the ER if the pain is the worse you ever felt… only one problem…

I have an unsual ability to tolerate lots of pain… had major surgery and declined the morphine pump, just asked for extra strength tylenol… surgeon was not happy, but when I explained I didn’t feel the pain he was stunned… I wasn’t, but he was… 1996 Wenatchee Womens hospital was the place If my memory is right… Doesn’t always work that way, but most of the time it does… and I thank the people who killed me… Don & Freda…

I do get why the depression comes on and for no reason at all… it’s triggered by what is happening in the right lobe of my head… something I actually caught the other night and told Mike…  I said… “I am depressed, for no other reason than the pain in my head causing the sensation of depression, I am depressed and nothing emotional bothering me”….

In fact I was watching a program on the science channel and it had my full attention when I recognized the signs of depression, strictly related to the pain in my head… No wonder medication made the depression worse… VA and it’s health care… and people wonder why veterans commit suicide… because we get crappy health care!!!!

I would not be going through any of this….

If the college educated, licensed people who get paid more money than I will ever see, had just learned in grade school…

How to listen… College educated simply means you passed tests… Having a license, just means you passed test…

It doesn’t mean you are qualified… and with my health history, there are over a 100 health care professionals, who should give up those fancy degrees and license’s….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When the professionals scramble…un-wanted intrusion in my day…

I just let go a massive sigh… much like what I dealt with, when the Air Force covered up the rapes and attempted murder and I lost my career, all because of image… I am so over EGOS!!!!!

Just got a call from the doctor’s office, to refer me to some doctor to have my vision checked…

Do you know, that since I was 16 years old, I have had my eyes checked at least every 2 years and lots of times, that was every year… I am 64 years old… so consistency in some of my health care I had control over… the VA and American health care not so much…

Anyhow and I feel for the young woman who called me, I am sleep deprived, I am in pain and my head hurts where the fistula is NOT!!!

When Mike and I got married a quarter century ago… I mentioned to the eye doctor who did my exam back in the early 90’s, that I had some blurred vision and once in a while it would be double vision, mostly in the right eye, but the left would do it too… something ongoing since Japan 1968…

Well fast forward 25 years later and that is an issue that is daily and one I brought up in Aug to my primary care and was told the VA only does exams every 2 years and I could use my medicare, which meant paying my deductible… not a lot, but enough that it would impact our budget… so I decided to wait until the EEG stuff, the subsequent MRI in Dec and the next MRI, next week… why???

Because every eye doctor has told me exactly the same thing and some of them did more extensive testing… what did I learn… Freda ate raw fish and a parasite hit my eye in utero and was encased in calcium and had been their since I was in the womb… If it had migrated it would have blinded me in the womb… end of story, nothing more to it and NO it never had an impact on my vision…

What did have an impact on my vision… the beating on Japan… by the time we moved into base housing, I was having vision issues… and of course no one told any health care professional about the brain damage, death or stroke…. I just threw up in my mouth… ugh!!!

The eye doctor I saw here on Hawaii, I told him exactly what I told you in my blog and he did a thorough exam and showed me the parasite, yada, yada, yada…. but could find no cause for the double vision or anything else… WHY??? Because it’s neurological and a MRI will provide that evidence that I seek, if they look for it….

One weird thing about all this, it has been getting real active since last summer… my VISION is changing… there are many times I take my glass’ off and leave them off (and just a FYI my vision was/is real crappy), because it is as if I have 20/20 vision again… and then the pain will hit the side of my head and I will feel the vessels start to enlarge and the pressure on the optic area becomes intrusive and that is when the double vision, the blurred vision happens…

I was so angry after the phone call, all of that happened in seconds and I am now sitting at my computer, no glass’ no large print and not one problem seeing… I leave my glass’ off now, not just because I can see without them… the pain from the arms hurt my head and I wear the lightest stuff they make and have them adjusted, because that is a symptom that has picked up speed and intrusion into my daily life over the last 20 years…

Can I say for certain that this is all neurological… as the person living it, and having been living with it since my christian parents killed me…

YES!!! For patients to be heard… someone has to listen… not interpret to their way of thinking, but listen to the lesson the patient is trying to convey…

I learned that after a doctor I worked with in the military missed the oral cancer he was trained to detect…

I learned to not only hear… but listen and hear and understand their words and not put my spin on it… you have no idea how I long, to get the kind of treatment I gave my patients… I experienced it once… the surgeon on Oahu, Dr. Yee… now that is humanity in a perfect little shell…

As for the vision, until the MRA test is done next week, I have no need to see any other doctors… I have lost all confidence in the VA and the health care I am currently recieving… and why is that…

Because I was and have been told repeatedly by every doctor I have seen… we will address that issue next time or it nevers gets addressed, because they forgot or the patient with the brain injury forgot…

I have areas of my body that need to be investigated and like always, I bring something up, it gets dismissed and the years just pile on… yep, I have zero confidence in my health care at this point and time and I am so tired of that side of my head hurting… so very tired of it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… whose voice is still being silenced…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Did ya know about night sleep an breathing???

Do not ask where I heard this, read it or anything… it just reflects the kind of night I had and have had since last Friday and the BP med I am now taking…

I heard that when we sleep, you pretty much only breathe through one sinus nostril or nasal passage during sleep and that makes sense… our body basically shuts down when we sleep and if you are in REM, you are paralyzed or some weird brain thing and you respirations slow down, so does the heart and the brain goes into what ever mode it does during rest… that is what most of us do…

Me, not so much and never have and this, I think I can explain, but we will see… Sleep is not something I am getting any of… and my body is running low on fuel, because of that…

When the sinus issues started in military in 78 with what they called allergy testing… I am allergic to ragweed, so I get hay fever… I have no other allergies… and that allergy testing was anything but fun…

Well when the allergies bother me, I have tons of drainage… I bet I could fill an olympic pool after all these decades… now here is where it gets weird… When the drainage happens, I can get rid of it doing the normal stuff, blow nose, cough it up or take some kind of expectorant to help break it up… now the weird part, that I am dealing with now.. and have for decades… the difference…

I have nothing to get rid of, but… I am swollen in my maxillary and sigmoid sinus area and it’s not the sinus that is swollen and I can tell that, because I have felt this problem since Japan…1968…

It’s my veins or how ever that stuff works that is swollen and when it happens, there is not a damn thing I can do to get it to clear up, except try all these crazy ideas… stick head in freezer and cool the head down… step outside and let the cool night air hit my head and freeze while doing it… put cold compress on the area that feels swollen, sleep up right in the recliner or just get out of bed and wait for the blood flow to do its thing and release and allow me to breathe through that sinus area…

When this happens during sleep, I cannot breathe, because the natural mechanism that closes off the sinus, does not recognize the unnatural mechanism that is closing the other side… you know, right and left nostril, yada, yada, yada… and when this is all happening, the side that is swollen from what ever is going on in my brain, will make the eyes or that area, it will hurt to touch it…it will hurt in the ears, it will hurt in the sinus it will hurt in the skull… the pain in the right lobe will be more noticeable, like it is this morning and was all night… so yep, don’t piss me off today, sleep deprived Maggi is a bitchy Maggi…!!!

Anyhow, according to the science on DAVF’s and how the sinus area is impacted… this is something I have lived with since Japan and it started out minor, and barely impacted my sleep… now it is life altering and destroying any chances I have of being mentally and physically capable of dealing with this…

So that X-ray vision my doctor has… I got a feeling next week, it is going to get put in the garbage and you know what… bet I get zero apology….

As I sit in my little room and the cool air hits my body, the sinus pressure on the right side subsides, but the pain in the right lobe is making damn sure I know it is there… and I know from experience… I will deal with confusion, motor skills and balance today…

All because our health care professionals are now psychic instead of trained professionals… Health care in America, not impressed and frankly I never will be… it is more about their ego and their feelings than the very patients they swore and oath to do no harm…

After watching Trump and the GOP and christians in action… It is obvious oaths have zero value in America… and if you are not an informed patient… you will die… because for any of them to own their behavior…

Hell will freeze over first…

oh jeez, just stretched and it reminded me of the blood I hear flowing in my veins by my ear that isn’t connected to anything acute… UGH!!! and that ringing sound, it does exactly what the science says it should for a fistula in my right lobe… wonder if my score will go up and doctors will be in the negative… hope I am alive and cognizant to find that out!!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… please do…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Pain in skull connected to dent in skull….

These aha moments happen at the weirdest moments….

I reached up an touched my head where it hurts in the dura and I hit the area of my skull that feels like a dent and that area when palpitated, hurts an the aha happened…

It has hurt since Texas….

The military did multiple radio active bone scans and I have one of those scans and you got it….

They told me at one time it looked like I sustained trauma, but I told them I did not… Why???

Because I did not remember and when I called Freda from Japan and asked…. she said…”you never had anything happen, just childhood illness”….

Christians would rather go to that grave a coward, than tell the truth…. wow, I will never not hate religion and the ones who practice it, why…

My body of evidence speaks for itself…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…Margie… please do…

Sgt USAF DAV

A Day of Issues….

We went to town early, so as to be done before all the rude people get out…. and it went well, got the new printer an had fun with the employees at Walmart…. brought it home, the printer that is and it took me a while to get things set up… yep, confusion issues…

Lots of pain in the right lobe, where the fistula is not, supposedly and nothing acute going on… okay, I shake my head and it hurts…

I know something is horribly wrong in my dura, between the dura matter and my skin… 

Just before the pain backed off the 1st of Jan… It felt like I had a sponge in the area of my dura and dura matter and it felt spongy to the touch… 

Now this is the first time I am aware of this symptom… by the time the 2nd of Jan got here, that feeling was gone and so was the round robin of head pain, where it was hitting the right, left and frontal area with pain and kick in the parietal, it was one fun party in my skull….

So this pain today, is starting up like it did last summer ….

Right lobe, above my ear to the area near the eye and the pain is making the eye socket hurt and if I shake my head, yawn or pop my TMJ area… it makes it hurt more and you can feel that vein area bulge…

So this not so acute thing that has started up again, is not being controlled or influenced by the blood pressure medication is my guess, but, again, this is a very complicated field and I am just learning it… so the symptoms is all I can relate… and the pain traverses and the carotid hurts… confusion and speech have been an issue since the pain picked up today… and I just keep saying, but I was told there is nothing acute going on in my skull… I think my skull would beg to differ….

I wish I understood all this… All I can do is document what is happening, so if I have a stroke, Mike can show them the blog and the lawyer will have access to information if they need it…

Test in a few days… but if this is what I think it is… they should have sent me directly to Oahu to see a specialist and get the cerebral angiography so they could repair or address the issue instead of taking this additional step in the process to try to prove me wrong…

My skull says they are so wrong… Mike will end up a very rich man off the ignorance and ego of the VA and health care system….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Working to Adjust Attitude…

When we lived on Okinawa, we were in a hotel outside of Kadena AFB and their had been rioting and burning of Americans vehicles, off base and every morning for us to go to the High school at Kubasaki… we were escorted from our hotel to our bus by military police… I was only 16 years old and never forgot the bigotry shown against Americans, especially those of us who were white skinned and round-eyed… That was my first introduction to bigotry outside my parents home… dealt with it all the time at home… but never experienced outside the home till that time on Okinawa…

You never forget people who treat you with bigotry, does not matter if they are religious and are bigoted because your sexual orientation is natural and they want you to be like ancient text… reminds me of Star Trek show with Picard and his 1st officer, encountering a race based on that bigotry… funny how the religious never get anything right… when all they believe is text written a couple thousand years ago… yep you really cannot fix stupid…

My point of this little write-up… We had only been on the island a few hours and I experienced bigotry and it has happened repeatedly since we moved here 3 years ago… and they are not shy about it… which is why I refuse to shop in cosmetics at Wal-Mart in Hilo, the cashier all gushy over Hawaiian and Asians… the minute I step to the register, you would have thought we were back in elementary school and koodies were involved… sigh…

Now I have experienced that bigotry in my own doctors office… their feelings take priority over me a paying customer???? and patient??? and brain injury survivor???? Wow…. holy crap on a cracker wow….

So I am working at adjusting my attitude… while in Wal-Mart to replace the printer I broke, I had 2 employees giggling and having fun, which is the way it should be, I needed help, and we had fun looking for what I needed and the employees walked away with a smile on their face…

In my doctor’s office, that will never happen and that is 100% sad, pathetic and regrettable… but I have found those that believe in gods or their ideas of morality and ethics… rarely look at the world without their blinders on… I call them donkey blinders…

Hubby harvested a plant and dried it, I am back to smoking pot, because this BP drug has taken everything I am dealing with and intensified it a 1,000 fold and frankly, I miss the goof ball I had become the last few months… so hopefully my mood will mellow just a little bit… as for the other people impacting my world…

I will look at them as if they are buck ass naked and riding down the street like lady Godiva…. now if that thought doesn’t make your mind squirm and your lips curl… oh well…

I’m grinning….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Blood brain barrier and meds…

I have said this every time doctors want to give me medications… 99.9% of all man-made drugs and supplements give me issues…

Some I can adjust to and the side affects do go away… When the neurologist last year diagnosed me officially with Autonomic and Peripheral neuropathy, she gave me a list of supplements to take… Most of which I had taken in the past and discontinued because of issues with my body or brain and the specific supplement…

On that list a couple of new supplements and after taking them for a couple of weeks, they went in the trash… because… I was either throwing up or sitting on the throne and when I discontinued the supplement, the issues went away…

As for man-made medications… Levothyroxine is the absolute worse and after finally getting my doctor to hear me, she lowered the dose to a level I could tolerate… after 26 years of taking the drug… I finally have no depression caused by that SPECIFIC drug… sigh…

When in the office last week because my blood pressure and heart rate would not come down… the doctor but me on a beta-blocker… Now I know a little about that kind of drug and I knew that it is one that leaves high levels in the brain, in other words, the drug cross’ the blood brain barrier and it turns people like me into raving lunatics… okay a little exaggerated, but if you had been in my house yesterday, you would have thought King Kong had moved in….

Yes the drug brought my blood pressure under control…. but….. It has done nothing to calm me, it is keeping me awake, it is causing me not to eat, it is causing me pain in my abdomen, it is causing issues with a bladder that is beyond repair if anything else goes wrong, it is making me bitchy beyond anything I have dealt with in the last 12 months and it is making my body hurt badly and it has done very little to get my tachycardia to quit playing ping-pong inside my chest…. but it is working according to the science…

Tell that to the pain in my right lobe that just transversed to the left side….

Last night and every night since I started this medication a week ago, has been a living hell and the body is showing it and the attitude is taking it and running with it…

But I am supposed to have no feelings of any kind as I found out last Friday in the doctor’s office…

I have to try to control myself, my emotions, my feelings, my anger and my frustration, but the medical staff in that clinic get to act like assholes and treat me like a child, instead of a patient with a brain injury…

I guarantee you most of those employees are christians and they think everyone should be as hateful and bigoted as they are…and they forget, health care means doing no harm to patients… not at that clinic!!!

So over this part of the journey and so hope my lawyer calls on Monday as planned to give us good news…

We are getting the hell out of hell… 

Yea, Hawaii the Aloha state… Not if you are round-eyed, white skinned and an atheist…. and most of all….

A woman veteran… I keep asking what happened to do no harm to patients and I never get an answer… and so far the Hilo VA clinic let me know what they think of woman veterans and the 3 doctors I have hired since we moved here have shown me exactly what they think of women veterans with brain injuries…

We are to be seen not heard… gee that does sound like christianity… stupid at its best…

So over bigots and their complete and total lack of humanity… and yep, I can not quit this medication until they fix the problem in my skull that will have to undergo additonal testing, because the next test, will just confirm what I have been screaming and shouting for decades and christians think their god will fix it… sadly it is their god that did it!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does after the VA puts me 6 feet under…

Sgt. USAF DAV

A Deep Loss Beyond the Unknown…

It creeped in upon the cool night…. the sky dark, devoid of light…

The waves crash an hurl themselves wildly against the cliffs a noise so loud it wakes the dead….

I mourn the loss of what I once had, as the pain subsides, inside my head…

I stand an hear those waves so loud, an I so long for the darkness that comes from that sound…

My mind in turmoil over the doubt, but wrong I have never been, I want to shout…

The waves crash louder an shake the ground, eating away at the cliffs, leaving no ground…

My heart wants peace, my soul takes flight, the brain shouts out, not yet, not quite…

The journey not complete as I turn around, away from the darkness and the sound…

The waves crash louder an the head responds… you are not a quitter, you will stand your ground…

As the waves crash upon the cliffs, I turn to bed looking for bliss…

The waves crash louder an I start to shake…

What if I am right, will I ever get peace….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…Margie…hope someone does..

Sgt USAF DAV

Being Dismissed by Doctors ….edited twice

I asked for a cerebral angiography because I believe their are either clots or blockage…

To put me through unnecessary test that could mean I will still have to undergo another MRI but in conjunction with a cerebral angiography has really pissed me off…

The doctors are making assumptions that nothing is there an this will turn out to be non invasive… because they think I do not know my body and no more procedures will be needed, instead of doing this all at one time…

So if this is not non invasive and I have to undergo a 3rd MRI in short order….well….

I have been exposed to excessive radiation because of my job in the military doing radiology an the excessive amount of exposure by the military an VA…

You can count on an issue with this direction the medical side is taking with no regard to my welfare or comfort or peace of mind….

They better hope like hell, this test in a few days finds NOTHING!!!

Because if it does and I have to undergo a cerebral angiography on top of this test, that unfiltered mouth of mine is going to get very loud an not friendly!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…hope someone does after the VA kills me!!!

Sgt USAF DAV

Yes, I hope they find nothing either…but it took me 40 years to get a doctor to listen, and it would be nice if they just would listen…and not assume based on their knowledge, but my knowledge of my body and what I have lived with since 1967….

We plan to shop after the MRI an the drug to keep me calm will not wear off till we head home… The people on that side of the island are rude beyond belief in Costco… Told Mike that might be the only time I enjoy going in there because I won’t give a shit…100 smiling laughing emojis…..lol

Cold Reality, my Memories may be gone…edited

Because I want Mike to understand as much as I do, I just keep reading and reading and reading about how we lose memories and the one thing I keep coming back to.. and the only one that fits me…

Stroke… wow, I just shuddered at that realization and in a way I want to let tears fall, but hey, I hate crying and the stuffy nose thing is not my favorite and the head would hurt… so I will pass on the emotional up heave…

The MRI on the 26th showed no infarct, which is important… but it does show damage to the brain and an old bleed, in other words, when my brain got dented at 13 and I died… those neurons that were connected with synapses, likely died and those memories, those couple of memories that I desperately want back, may be gone for good…

I had hoped that my memory issue was related to something much more simple than a stroke… and the lack of infarct evidence gave me that hope… but the more I read about strokes and how they impact memory, I realize… I was screwed from the get go…

For those who are just joining my little conversation, here’s a little back story…

I know by the time I reached 8 years old, my head had been used as a punching bag… but did I suffer permanent issues, I don’t think so… no those started that hot night in Big Springs, Texas after the birth of the sister that was not my dads… He had been in Vietnam when Freda got pregnant… and her blood type is not possible for my father Don to be hers… but that is the reason I died… for a secret that never was…

Freda started a fight that night with Don and all hell broke loose, that part of the story is in my book I am writing… lets just say, my older half-brother was so badly beaten his dad wanted to ruin my dad, Freda talked him out of it and gave up custody of her oldest child… the image of the christian family was more important than her son… or me…

So I died during that incident and suffered a stroke and according to the recent MRI I had blood on the brain at one time and possible fistula formed (blood clot)… well this was 1967 when the injuries happened…by 1968 the Air Force shipped us off, to cover up the scandal and Freda got pissed at me and so did Peggy, so I got beaten again and this time it scared the hell out of Don and Freda, because I nearly died again… and things in the household settled down until we got sent to Okinawa and in 1971 Don hit me upside the head again… yep that mouth of mine is 100% unfiltered now…

I was 17 years old and it was the last time a human raised a hand to hit me… I am 64 now and well versed in self-defense… big dogs and how to use a gun…

With all that said… by the time I left that home, my brain was in healing mode for years… and when I entered the Air Force in 1977, I had no clue I had died, had a stroke or any other injuries to my body… why???

Because I didn’t remember… the brain did what it needed to do to survive… My high IQ did me no good, because I was always fighting the demons of the past and didn’t know it… and that all came to an end Nov 7, 2017…..

Because on Nov 5, 2017 and deranged airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and that was the memory trigger for me on Nov 7, 2017… Texas and Air Force cover up…

The rest is history… I have always had the memories of my past that I have now…. I have always had a unique memory ability, which the El Paso VA doctor brought to my attention, in other words he confirmed what I suspected about edetic memory and I stood in Fredas kitchen in 2010 and told her I was missing memory…

As it stands now, I have no address or phone number on my so-called mother Freda, because she knows I can go after her for 2nd degree assault in the state of Texas and if I die from this injury, that is what my husband will go after her for… Don is already dead and his death was not a nice one either… like to think Karma had something to do with it, instead it was just christians behaving badly, nothing knew there….

So I have hope, lots of it, that I am wrong and those memories I am missing will come back, because something about this mess is treatable… but…

I know that if you do not remember within 2 years of a stroke, you likely will never remember… and since the stroke happened in 67 and I was head injured again in 68 and 71… 

I think I am screwed…. and that really sucks…. and it will make writing my book just a little more challenging…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Making memories…

I provided a link to an article that talks about making memories… Sorry, but internet via the cell phone today is a mess and the signal is not consistent…

I know I don’t explain things well, especially when I have pain in the right and left lobe areas…

I may not always get things right and I have no problem owning that…

So if you are curious about some of the stuff I write about… I suggest the AMA, UK medical site which is just like the AMA, but better and Psychology today… those are relatively reliable and accurate sites… I also use many universities and the papers they write…

I would love to share some of the stuff I read, but copy write laws are not something I want to get into trouble over…

As long as I stick to the truth and admit when I am wrong… not one person on this planet can sue me for my writing…

Truth Matters…

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/how-our-brains-make-memories-14466850/#KXeWMUtiTY7JFOhx.03

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Brain Damage takes Memories…

It’s fairly obvious by my writing, I know just a little bit about medicine and the human body… I mean come on… Started reading the stuff, when I was in the military and went and took some college, because I had planned to be a paramedic and then move on to higher medicine… but, like all things in life, life happened…

But I never stopped reading and learning… Now don’t get me wrong… I haven’t full understanding of any subject… I am just one of those people who have loads of useless information in their brain until they need it and lately I have needed those 40 plus years of information…  ya know, I think I would have been an excellent doctor…

So for the last 30 minutes, I have given Mike a crash course on the brain, memory, infarct, strokes and blood on the brain and most of all fistulas…

Ya see, my sister, the one who doesn’t want me to remember the one memory that would show her family the kind of person she really is… I never forgot… If I had forgotten, that specific memory, my sister and I would have been close… We never were after the boob incident… and that was 56 years ago…

That being said, what has this to do with anything… I have stated that my doctor thinks that my brain injury is not acute, in other words I am not ripe for stroke or heart attack… just one little problem with that assumption… that test MRA getting done here soon, will determine that… not a doctors assumptions, nor mine… even I can be wrong with my own body… and I have no problem owning that, but it is my life and doctors just don’t seem to have the Hippocratic oath in their minds, souls or hearts… so it’s about the money and not patients… and I saw that first hand working in the medical field…

My sister says she had an infarct… only problem with that, she showed zero signs of motor skill issues, cognitive issues and most of all speech issues… You see that little thing called the hippocampus does all the transferring of stuff from short to long-term memory and memories are not stored they way people think like a file system… nope its lots more complicated than that…

If she had an Infarct, dementia would be her future… and her memory ability is just as good as the woman she calls mother, Freda… and all my sister has done, is exactly what her half-brother has done, protect Freda… and sadly Freda is the reason I have so much damage to my insides and outsides of my body and she started that when I was an infant… the ghost memories, that I cannot confirm are of shaken baby syndrome and the MRI shows that kind of damage… wow, shook my head on that one…

Ya see with infarct what happens, they put you through rehabilitation immediately, why, because the things you forget how to do are usually the things you learned as a child, walking, talking, eating, just every day stuff…. It is beyond rare for an infarct to impact memories…. now you get it… my sister lied to me… why??? 

Well that story is for my book, got to save something for when that thing is done and published…

I have hope, big time hope, that the MRA shows no fistula and no infarct deep in the brain… one thing no one has considered, how much damage was done, by my sister dumping me on the floor repeatedly as children from the top bunk on to my back, allowing the back of my head to be impacted… we know this area has excessive bone build up and the doctors contribute that to trauma, learned that one a long time ago, actually about 30 years ago…

Since that kind of impact could impact my ability to store and make memories is  moderate to high…

I kind of hope that what they do find… Is that the autonomic neuropathy is the culprit and with treatment, I will get back my memories…

If I made any… always that possibility… I didn’t make memories, but like I always say…

I have hope… the one thing in life that never lied to me, let me down or hurt me…

Hope… it is sad, that all my sister and brother had to do, tell the truth and Freda, she just had to own her behavior… Instead, they decided to play god, because other wise, they would never done this to another human being… but christians and god would…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

MRA scheduled….edited twice

If you don’t know what a MRA is, It’s a MRI with contrast and specific area…So other than the doc giving me a pill to keep me from having a panic attack inside the tube… which I totally hate those things… but I am so excited to finally get the last test done that will tell me just how bad it was, when Don and Freda killed me all those decades ago… so yep, squeal, jump up and down excited and terrified…

It is weird to get to this final stage of the journey…

The memories have mostly come back and I have hope that if this is what is impacting the other memories, over time, they too will come back…

I also accept the fact, that I may never get those memories back, because their was blood stain on the brain and if the cells were deprived of oxygen long enough and we know I died, so that is a very distinct possibility, that the gaps in my memory are permanently gone, because the memory cells that held them are dead and sadly that will be the end of this part of the journey…

Since no one in my family is talking… nope they took their christian bull shit excuses and tucked those heads up their ass and that is where they will stay… never pictured them any other way anyhow… head up ass, means christian, muslim, jewish, you name it… people commit crimes against people and say, well my god will forgive me…

But will I???

Not in this lifetime…

So this time next week, I will have my answers or if lady luck holds true, I will have more questions… Either way…

That light at the end of the tunnel, just went into LED bright mode and is now within reach…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I thought wrong on how this is done, so happy the injection goes in my arm… got this confused with hubby an his heart, which they do via groin, nearly freaked myself till I thought of the prostate story…. which I think I did an audio on that story…lol

New BP medication… it’s different…edited

Just came back from our mile walk, the air is cold and crisp and my ears hurt like no tomorrow, never been able to tolerate cold on my ears after Japan, because of the beating to my head… so the ears have hurt, something they have done since the Japan beating…

The new medication, it is a weird drug… but it has started something I haven’t felt in a long time…

I can be laying in bed and all of a sudden, I can feel the pulse in my leg, not by touching it… I can feel the heart beating through out my whole body again… Something that I used to be able to feel after the Japan beating, which was after the Texas beating when I died…

When I have told doctors I could hear the blood flow in my ears, I got a look like I had grown a 3rd head… Even the current primary care doctor disregarded that statement the first time I saw her in Aug of 2017… sigh….

That being said, I got a real bad feeling I have had vascular or venous disease since the stroke in 67 after I died… at the hands of christians… Freda & Don Bagwell… my parents…

Anyhow, this BP med seems to be allowing blood flow and reducing the swelling or inflammation in my venous system…

This subject is complicated and not one I have done much research on even though my husband suffers from it… this is when you really need the medical professionals to do their job…

My BP this morning and my heart rate, exactly where it used to be, before all this started… but it sure helps me to understand, that I have had this since at least my military days and again, none of the medical community got it right… only because…

To acknowledge I had health issues, would have brought to light my rapes when active duty and the rape and attempted murder of my children…

When you get down to it… it would seem the image of our military is more important than life, be it an active duty member or their dependents… and that is a fact… just look at what they did to a 13-year-old kid at Webb AFB, Big Springs, Texas… she died, the military covered it up and NO ONE EVER TOLD ME!!! now that is christians at work… damn these morons are the most corrupt humans on the planet… just look at Trump and Pence and Kavanaugh and Thomas…

So it seems, it takes the med a couple weeks to build up in the system, which reflects what I knew about this kind of drug… you do not quit taking it just because… they have to wean you off of it in a controlled way, so you don’t have a stroke or heart attack… oh yea… NOT!!!

But if it buys me time till they do this test I need, yea… but I will tell you right now… the area where the fistula does not exist according to my primary doctor sure hurts like hell!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Rape… you never forget it… Ever…

Little sleep last night… Rape is something you never get over… and for anyone to dismiss anyone who has experienced rape, is just a rapist… flat-out and simple… because no one in their right mind, dismiss’ rape… but christians do as do muslims… they promote it an endorse it… other wise we wouldn’t have 2 rapist on the supreme court and in the White house…

I dreamed of rape last night… 2 lieutenants, had a party at Vance AFB at their off base house and a bunch of us went…

That was the night I learned about, never let anyone make your drink and never leave your drink alone… and I never did after that night…

Both took their turns that night, taking from me what was not theirs… and when I reported it to a supervisor at the clinic at Vance AFB… his comment….

“What did you do to invite such behavior”???

Needless to say those two officers completed their pilot training and went on to have careers free of the stigma of “Rapist”….

But… my life has never been the same and the rape which happened in 1978, came back to me last night as if it happened, last night…

This behavior is still ongoing in the United States Air Force and other branches… for anyone to say our military is honorable and above-board… Has never served in the military and if they did and never saw the darker side, well as they say, “Ignorance is Bliss”, for the head up ass personnel….

To this day, I hate anyone touching me, even my husband… It is a repulsion left over from the rape… It is an intrusion into my space, left over from the rape…

I will never get justice for those rapes… I learned a long time ago, gods were nothing more than a control mechanism…. so I did what any person would do…

Hope that Karma the world of Energy really exist, if not physically, just in my mind, so that I could cope with the fact… 

Not only did I get raped as a child and adult by U. S. Air Force personnel, so did my child…

Only one problem… the image of this organization was more important than morality, ethics, values and most of all laws…

Sounds a lot like the current white house and supreme court… Justice will never happen as long as we allow religion to interfere with our laws and ethics and we put those same rapist in jobs that control those laws…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Head pain causes arm and chest pain…

I have always known that heart disease ran in the family, on maternal and paternal… and that is why back in 2007 we quit cigarettes and hubby had already quit alcohol 7 years before that… and we still got screwed on the issues…

When my shortness of breath hit, I thought for sure something was wrong… but the tests done, just said COPD, well I have had issues with bronchitis since forever… and I was still a smoker… okay, so even I can’t fix stupid…

Now, being on the BP med since last Friday… my numbers are still fluctuating and I am having pain in the veins on both sides of my neck, confusion, speech issues and balance… when I checked my heart rate, my pulse was high for me… 89 up to in the 90’s… mine is usually much lower… by 20 points or more…

I can feel a tightness in my body and when I get excited, which I try to avoid or when I do anything physical, it screws me up and I have to quit what ever I am doing….

Add the pain in my right lobe and their just went the tachycardia… and pain in my left lobe and my left eye seems to be the one hurting today… I just have no clue what to think or do… 

I have loss of confidence in my primary care and that is always hurtful when you can’t trust your own doctor… but it’s a catch 22 living here… We know we will be leaving here in the next 12 to 18 months and getting in with a new doctor just won’t work… so that means I have to be more informed than I want to be and it means I have to study more medicine than I want to study….

The symptoms I am dealing with now, are all associated with the brain… Knowing I have Autonomic and peripheral neuropathy, makes me acutely aware that vascular disease is probably the issue and nothing I can do, but wait for a phone call from the Kona Hospital and hope the test gets done, before I have a massive stroke or heart attack… like I said, lawyers are involved… Mike, I have to protect if I die…

I doubt the symptoms mean anything else… the damage, what ever name they give it, is extensive and the weight is dropping off daily… Since Friday of last week I have lost 8 pounds and unless this BP med has a diuretic in it, I shouldn’t be dropping weight this fast… I am not trying to lose weight… My weight is at a good point, much more weight loss and I will have to buy new clothes, just so my shorts and tops don’t make me look like Olive Oil… which FYI, is what my family used to call me… 

Maybe I am just exhausted, sleep doesn’t seem to be part of this BP med and keeping me calm isn’t happening either…

Instead, I am in lots of pain, lots of nausea, lots of sweating and all I am doing is typing…

Nope this ride can stop any time and hopefully at the hospital when they find out if my veins are that screwed up or blocked… and hopefully before anything else bad happens…

Just a FYI, Hawaii is a wonderful place to visit… but not live… and that is from experience of living in Europe, the Far East and all over America… I can not wait to leave here and go buy our 20 acres, so that peace and quiet I am looking for, I can enjoy before my days on earth are done….

The Aloha spirit left these islands a long time ago, now it is capitalism and bullying and worse of all, people do not respect anyone’s rights, but their own… so over stupid religious bigots…

Life has a habit of getting even, we just sit back and watch… and hopefully my lawsuit settlement arrives this year, so we can afford to move… Hope springs eternal… If it doesn’t work that way, our savings will move us next year…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

What Happened to Morality in America…my bad, Christians….

The Europeans hit the Americas back in 1492…. All escaping persecution for a religion based on a young girl raped by a creature from outer space… because to think she mated with a human, just can’t be… but then if you think about it… Jesus or whatever, sure came out looking human… but that can’t be, his daddy is not of this world… and our species is unique to our planet, why??? Because the biology was just right to make what is living on this planet and not for other planets either… Facts over fantasy…

When religion became a big thing, after lying about the bible and the pyramids and just a FYI, camels were not around during the time of Genesis… or for that matter during Moses time… and the journey across the desert that everyone says took 40 years sounds like Noah’s flood of 40 days, must be a numerology thing… but anyhow… that trip across the desert… how come nothing has ever been found by archeologist…

That many thousands of people, you aren’t going to grab everything when you are moving, stuff always gets left behind… just look at the garbage around the world today… no different back during the ancient time… and of course most of all, you can cross that area in days, weeks if you want to explore, but years… only in their fantasy bible… but you got the flood, that Noah says happened… but we don’t have global warming… Yep insanity at its best…

So as religious sects in America grew, all of a sudden, you got people leaving religion… so what do the preachers do, invent the Salem Witch Trials… scare everyone to death and threaten them with death… yep that is one way to convert a people…

So riddle me this… Why do you need ancient text to tell you the difference between right and wrong???

Oh my bad… got to have some excuse to rape, murder, lie, steal, cheat, sodomy, incest, multiple marriage partners, steal land from another culture and best of all, make sure no one questions you while you commit those crimes against humanity… such as African slave trade and the destruction of the Hawaiian culture an native Americans…Convert or die… so they converted and left their real culture behind… why… Because of fear…

But, your god will forgive you… I am most assuredly grateful I taught my kids to not only walk away from the religious but run like hell… Why???

Because they all be bat shit crazy…. yet these very people are the most miserable people on the planet, for ever praying for something that they could get on their own… They just have to get up off their ass and go earn it… As for health care… seems like we are wasting a lot of health care on a culture that believes in miracles… just saying…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Brain Damage of any kind is not insignificant…. but my doctor says it is???

Okay, I have to get this out of my system, because it is impacting my blood pressure and I have already found, when it does, my areas of brain injury hurt… but I guess that doesn’t count with my doctor???

No matter what I have read about brain injury, regardless of the source….

Any brain damage to a child can cause lasting problems for life… No kidding!!!! I mean the science says this, but my doctor, made this statement, “the area of the brain impacted by your injury is small and not acute”….

Edectic memory… ya know I have used that gift so many times to put morons in their place and then I realized I was dealing with a christian who doesn’t believe in science, but they are a doctor… Holy crap on a cracker!!!

No matter how many times I articulate the damage done to my brain… all anyone sees is this…. this is what the doctor sees… and not the test results….

img_0177

This was taken yesterday… a dress I bought back in 2001 and never fit into, the dress I intend to be buried in… And if you look at my surface, I look perfectly healthy and most days lately, I am coherent… no big issues with speech or motor skills…  which wasn’t the case from Aug 2018 to Jan 1, 2019… and Mike can vouch for that….

When doctors do not look past the surface of someone like me… the patient suffers in unbelievable ways… I know, I have been walking around with brain damage since I was at least 8 years old… and this picture shows the bruises on both sides of my head… Fredas favorite target… but she never missed the rest of the body either…. as the bruises on my neck, shoulders, etc showed…

Maggi6yr

Nothing I found in the AMA, or the UK medical sites, says any brain damage is minor…

Right now my tachycardia is going in over drive… and the pain in my right temple is noticeable… as is the pain behind my left eye and I expect the left lobe will start to hurt… The BP meds brought down the numbers on my right side, but the left side of my body shows hypertension and that is because of what is happening in my right lobe, the same area the doctor says has minor brain damage and little area no bigger than a quarter!!!

I really think who ever the aliens are that brought these dumb ass’s to earth… is sitting in their space ship laughing their ass off over christians and their hell-bent attempt to murder those of us who refuse to be brain washed over a teenager raped in the middle east who started the biggest lie on the planet… no man was involved…

Holy crap on a cracker am I surrounded by insanity and people wonder why I keep to myself…

Because the rest are just flat-out bat shit crazy…

Hopefully this rant gets that statement out of my system that the doctor stated… it’s only a small area of the brain-damaged and It just doesn’t matter, because it’s in my brain and not hers!!!

You can not fix stupid, stupid has to have common sense that is not influenced by religion, but facts and science….

Still no phone call to get the test, and being a woman veteran I am not surprised… but if I was a man… they would have the asshole in and fixed already…

That is the America we live in… where women’s lives are marginalized by bat shit crazy christians… That is the threat to our national security…. CHRISTIANS….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

National Crisis In America… Christians…

Did you know that the persecuted fled Europe back in the 1500’s on to the Americas and other lands, because they couldn’t practice their religion without being murdered???

Now in America, those same christians are persecuting the poor, un-educated and brain washing them into thinking that a god who raped a teenage girl a few thousand years ago, came to this planet from outer space so he could die to save himself….

So christians promote rape, theft of property, murder, incest, sodomy and think that the white skinned is the see all and know all???

Holy crap on a cracker you can not fix stupid… 

Psychology says that anyone who believes in this crap…

Is bat shit crazy….

Doesn’t say much for Trump, Pence, Pelosi or Obama…. when you believe in religion for political gain…. and I like Obama… but even the so-called intelligent can be brain washed…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does… not if christians have a say…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Fog is coming back, I think…

Today, not a good one… Lots of noise from surrounding properties, which intrudes into my world… so am looking forward to our move and buy 20 or more acres in the middle of the hills back home…

By the time this afternoon got here, I had pain behind my left eye and the tissue is tender to the touch… and yep, I had pain in the left lobe today… Not a headache… pain and pain in both vessels going up my neck on each side…

For something that is not acute… I sure have lots of pain and fog in my brain… and I had a stress “Headache” earlier in the frontal area… and not throbbing or pulsating, just a tightness which is indicative of a stress headache… they really need to change how we categorize pain in our head and scalp…

Appetite… well I weighed at the doctors and their scale is off 3 pounds, but our high-tech scale at home is accurate and I am now down to 137 pounds… less than 10 pounds away from my military weight 40 years ago… and food, I eat, but the stomach won’t let me put much in it and GERD has happily appeared, so lots of tums right now and all because of the BP drug… this is why I hate man-made drugs…

Still no phone call to get the test done… I already talked to my other lawyer and Mike is talking to his lawyer… want to make sure everything is in place, if the doctor who says I have nothing acute going on, happens anyway… I really would like to know when humans got X-ray vision and became psychic??? I mean for real!!!

I have written stories off-line so that Mike can publish them for me, if anything does happen, but with my luck and his computer abilities… they will get deleted… just saying… I know my hubby and his fingers… lol

Day is over and the brain is very tired tonight….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Truth Matters, but not to those in power…edited…

Does not matter, be it the president of the United States or my own private doctor… If you can not be truthful and honest, you will always trip yourself up lying to me… Why???

Edetic memory… Not something I am thrilled about, I worked very hard as a kid to bury the truth about the horrors in the Bagwell household… I did such a good job…

It took me 50 years to get those memories to come forward…

When I get a new doctor that is taking on my primary care or any doctor for that matter… I am straight up with them from the very first appointment and Mike will back this up…

I tell all of them, even though I wasn’t sure of it myself until last year… so shoot me… but, I tell everyone of them I have edetic memory and a high IQ and I am most of all and INFORMED PATIENT… if I wasn’t, Mike would be dead… end of story…

So when the doctor told me the other day she had done all I asked, I called her out and told she had not, because she had shut me down, when I tried to tell her things that were connected to the brain injury…

So it was fun when I called her out on her own lie and Mike was with me the day she shut me down in the exact same exam room…

I keep saying this to anyone who will listen and I have done that for decades, so maybe I did know I had this memory thing… doubt an ugly issue, when you have PTSD and TBI’s…

But I tell everyone….

To lie to me is the dumbest thing you will ever do and I have zero problem calling you out… Doesn’t matter if you are a General, Senator or my doctor…. and most of all if you are family and friends…

I do not forget and If I do, it will be because the brain is in a fog, but there is the caveat to that one… I will remember, It just won’t be instant recall… Now you get where I am coming from…

Getting past the doubt that I have lived with for decades, because I didn’t remember the trauma, is something that is fast melting away… and putting up with that kind of disrespectful behavior is no more…

I don’t give a damn if you are my kids, grandkids, husband or friends… and especially someone I am paying a service for…

Lying to me will always be the stupidest thing you can ever do… I don’t lie, because I never could remember the lie… just that simple and that is why it is so easy to catch everyone else in one…

The relationship between me and my primary doctor is forever altered… only because… I owned my behavior and they went running with their head up their ass, because their feelings have value and mine has none….. now that is ignorance at its best…

Mike already feels sorry for that clinic… my attitude, will never be anything like they want… because they never owned their behavior… gee that sounds like the GOP and Trump…. some people just never grow pass the toddler stage, where everything and everyone else is at fault…

I own my behavior… and that is a fact!!!

(Reason I cannot tell lies, my short term memory was badly impacted, it has taken me years to just teach myself how to make it work after the injuries, thus why I do not waste time with lies… Truth, you never forget, lies, you always will, because…they are lies, based on fantasy and not grounded in facts)…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Right Lobe Pain is Back…edited…

Now, everything I ever studied, read or learned when doing the job myself with patients… 

Things that hurt on the right side of the brain, impact the left side of the body…

I wrote last year how I knew I had a stroke at one time in my life, but I was never informed of that stroke… gee go figure on that one…

That being said, are you tired of that phrase yet, anyway… 

I started the BP med last Friday… so I have been on it 72 hours and of course this drug is also for migraines, which I have never had, I associated my head pain with the term, but I never met the profile for migraines… and like I said, I know a few things about those awful problems, because of very close people in my life, that have suffered for decades, so I learned what I could, so I would understand their issues… funny how others don’t do the same for me, but I get it, I am a total geek on this stuff, as the pain in my right temple lets me know it is there…

I told Mike, when I said my head aches, it’s not a headache per say, no, when I get a stress headache, which is the only kind I have ever had, you can tell the symptoms for it are 100% different from the pain I get in my right lobe, where the stroke is at… 

I keep saying it, I cannot always articulate what I am trying to convey and the doctors, never allow me to try to explain, they cut me off and dismiss the symptoms as migraines or headaches… but that isn’t what happens when the pain in my head hits…

Again, to meet the profile for any illness, you must have multiple symptoms that apply… I do not meet that criteria for migraines… I never have…

So this pain in the side of my head isn’t a head ache… It is straight forward pain and what happens, and it just now hit the left side… but what happens I can feel, yep feel, the vessel/vien expand and contract as blood flows through it and it causes a pain that gets your attention… not a throbbing pain, just pain, like I am feeling now, down the side of my head, pass my jaw and into the carotid artery… and to me, if I am right, says some kind of vien disease…

I get the same kind of pain, in my primary vessel to my heart, which also is connected to an artery… much like angina…

This is something I have lived with since the beating on Japan, that nearly killed me… Jeez those christians were hell-bent on shutting me up… much like the doctor did in the office and most of the times I am in there, but she isn’t the only one… it’s a pattern of behavior by the college educated and that cost lives… Saw that myself, when I worked in the medical field… and some of those deaths were very ugly and painful for all involved with that loved one…

Anyway, I noticed yesterday the pain had come back to that area of my skull and transversed to the left lobe… and I felt a weakness in my left side…. and because of that, I made sure I did those exercises that keep my mobility going, just in case… maybe good idea, maybe bad… but after a while you just get tired of trying to get anyone to listen to you and you take your health care into your own hands… and there just went the tachycardia…

So, though this BP med has brought my numbers down on the right side, the left side is still elevated… and we went to the store Saturday and bought a new high-tech BP monitor… and I also have the tools to do it manually… never have been without a stethoscope for years now… or a BP cup….

No clue where I am going on this, just want to document all of this journey, just in case I drop dead and hubby has all the info he needs for the lawyer… 

We may not be able to sue the federal government… but veterans are allowed to sue the VA system… and that will be who we go after…

Hope the day goes better than the nights… sleep seems to have left our household…

So when I said my head throbbed, I think the term I should have used… it is more of a pulsating feeling and sharp pain…in keeping with the heart beat and tachycardia…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Humanity Lost….

I am still bothered by the treatment I got at the doctor’s office last week…

The doctor and employee wanted me to know how upset they were and how the doctor shed tears over that fax I sent…

Do you know, not one person in that office asked how are you dealing with the knowledge that all the injuries to your body are because your parents are christians like we are???

Nor did they ask how are you dealing with the knowledge that your parents killed you????

Nor did they ask, how does it feel to no longer have a family???

Nor did they ask, are there any other issues we need to address????

No, that appointment, other than them covering their ass, I was attacked!!!

If I wasn’t at such a critical stage of this journey to get answers and if I wasn’t aware of the issues I am having that can be life altering….

I would tell those people to go screw themselves!!!! Which I have done before and you can see where that got me!!!

What happened to Humanity???

I apologized to the doctor and I all I got was hostility!!!!

So over EGO and stupidity and most of all christians!!! They are such bigots!!!

Now do I know if they are christian, nope, but on this island, just like in the southern states… there are churches everywhere on this island, so I doubt seriously if I am wrong…

Even if I am… their lack of humanity, except by one employee, showed me just what kind of people I am dealing with in that clinic and our relationship is 100% in the toilet, until they apologize to me!!! and even then, the damage is done… the doctor always shakes hands when she comes in the room… instead she went right into attacking me!!!

So much for the Hippocratic oath… “Do No Harm”!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Brain Fog & the Brain Hiccup…

Before the internet even happened… the Air Force at Yokota AFB, sent me to programming school… way back in 1984… long time ago… So DOS and lots of the other platforms I have used, repaired and destroyed by back dooring them…. something I would never do in civilian life… that being said…

By the time 1998 came around, I knew I had a cognitive issue… and I didn’t understand why… and lots of tests, but no neurology… that is the VA system at work… 

Fast forward to 2018, the year we just left and I know a few things about brain fog and the hiccup that happens a lot!!!

So for me to make errors online, be it with an application or a program, there is no excuse, I know the crap, I am good at it and I repaired computers for a while after I quit working… just so friends wouldn’t have to pay a tech $20 an hour, for what was usually human error… or malware issues or virus…

Well let’s go back to the Ann Spite face book page, and my other face book page and my hubby’s face book page… I never set up 2 step authentication and 2 of those pages got hacked… now you get me… I was in a brain fog from at least Aug till Jan 1 of 2019… My writing really reflects those times it was real bad…

Once the headaches quit, the brain kicked back in and started problem solving…

Now I do have a MRI report that didn’t say one word about dementia or plaque on the brain… we know that isn’t the issue… so what is… here we go with the supposition…

Since I am done with researching until the cerebral angiography is done, I will guess I have had something along the line of arteriosclerosis or arteriovenus disease, the stuff that impacts our veins and I say that only because of 2 things…

My primary vessel to my heart is partly occluded and that was found in 1978 in the military… and the doctor here, just put me on high blood pressure medication, which I absolutely hate, the drug is so screwing with me… but the brain is clear… and I fixed the issues with our internet setup and also did some other maintenance to keep us from being hacked… stuff I have known about since it was developed…

So either I have vein disease that weakens the vessels or I have the disease that causes plaque build up in the arteries… 

That is my guess… All I can say, I do not like the medication and hope the side affects go away soon and I have a sinking feeling, this is a drug, I will never come off of… and smoking pot may quickly become a thing of the past…

Won’t know until they call me to go over to the other side of the Island and they do the test… and thankfully, they have to give me a copy of those results before we leave and you got it… I will be dissecting those results, so I fully understand what kind of life I have left to live…

All this, because Don & Freda Bagwell, decided that my knowing their secrets, my life had no value… ya know dying once was plenty for me… and it doesn’t make me afraid of death a 2nd time around… but….

I sure hope those involved with my body injuries… have exactly the kind of life they deserve and the kind of death they warrant…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I can go no further…

The exhaustion from this current issue is taking its toll… Sleep has gone out the window… just like the PTSD nightmares I had for over 50 years… Kind of wish those would come back, at least I would get some sleep… Can not even get the body to take a nap during the day…

The BP drug is nasty for me… only because, I have told doctors since my military time in 77… All medications, even supplements impact my brain and my body differently… Mike has seen it in action… and this drug is no different… made me real irritable the first 48 hours after starting it…

Now it’s just not letting me sleep… supposedly this drug is supposed to make you relax… Ya know, when I had to do a road trip by myself, I got some stuff that was I guess a kind of stimulant… instead, I spent an hour puking my guts out, that was 1978… Couldn’t throw the stuff away fast enough… and caffeine, I never been big on it anyway… but…

My BP is reading in the normal range right now, as long as I take the medication… when I got up this morning, the diastolic was high, but came down after I took the pill… and I can tell, I won’t be able to take any stronger dosage… I now split the pill and take half AM and PM….

Never had to worry about being an addict of any kind… pot, my go to for everything, from pain to nausea or as a calming agent… and even then, there were times it made things worse, and we grow pure stuff that is 100% free of any chemicals or contaminants… so imagine if I bought something off the street, which we did a few years ago, and I could tell, man-made chemicals had been used on the stuff… We never get any kind of munch issue or anything else with what we grow… natural, most assuredly the way to go…

Pain, the pain is ridiculous right now, because of this BP med… and I tried doing research on the issue with my feet and it just keeps going back to Peripheral neuropathy or vascular disease or both… and the vascular disease can be caused by a stroke… yep… Don and Freda wanted me dead, If I had known I had a stroke, I would have so made different choices in life… and Mike will vouch for that statement… I was the one to get him to give up booze and cigs…

It’s a beautiful day outside, but I am so tired, I just want to curl up and not do anything or go any place and that is so frustrating, when living on Hawaii… there is so much to do and enjoy…

My home, right now, has become my prison… so hope the Kona hospital calls to let me know when they will do the test… I want off this BP medicine… there has to be a better way to deal with this, if it’s vascular disease… 

Peripheral, Autonomic and Vascular disease… all because 2 christian adults beat the crap out of a child before she became an adult…

I will never not hate religion, I don’t give a damn who you are… I will consider you an enemy, till you prove differently…

I would look at this so differently If I had caused these issues myself… but it was religious bigots who did this to me… I have no love lost for the bastards…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Never Anxiety… It is Total Frustration….edited

This BP med the doctor put me on, when she talked about it in the clinic, she said this will help with your anxiety… I was so pissed by then, I just figured, bite the bullet, let her prescribe what she thinks will work… She does have the knowledge, education and experience I don’t… besides, I threw out my PDR decades ago, so, internet is my go to on medication breakdowns now…

I know of one time in my life that I had any kind of panic attack… and it was over pot plants, before we got our license here on Hawaii… when it happened, told hubby, get off the crapper and get the ball rolling for us to be legal… yep, I am that kind of citizen… don’t need a god to tell me right from wrong… I live by the laws that humanity voted and agreed upon… and this is the first time, ever, where having marijuana in my home, I didn’t have total paranoia about getting busted… it goes back to Big Springs, my dying and the police and everyone involved traumatized that 13-year-old child… something I have never recovered from, because I didn’t remember, until this last year… sigh…

So the doc thinks I am anxious… ya know what… there is a big difference between being anxious and not informed…

Being frustrated because you are not heard… my contentious relationship with the medical community started at the Spokane VA in 1998, when they told me I had a long list of issues, but they had no evidence to back it up and NO ONE SENT ME TO NEUROLOGY!!!

The BP drug, when I got up this morning, my diastolic was 96, and if it goes over 110 on me, I am ripe for a stroke…

Now I have taken the med Friday & Saturday and if it is like most beta blockers, it takes time to build up and has to be slowly weened off of, to prevent issues… the kind of drugs I normally refuse…. but this isn’t a diuretic, so I am giving it a chance… because in my heart I know, what ever is going on in my skull isn’t good and if I am right, it explains so many symptoms I have lived with since Texas and why when Japan happened a year later, life in the Bagwell household changed… for the better for the siblings I would think, but those memories I do not have… I know they are there, they are just being blocked by what is going on in my brain… that is why I think my doctor has it wrong, but she is protecting herself and most of all me by giving me the BP med to buy me time, till they do the cerebral angiography… maybe by then they will have the answers, that I think I know already…

It’s like being in the show me state… no one believes me, until they have proof… I would have thought the old bleed on the brain and damage to my brain was proof enough… but just like anything else in life… humans have their failings…

I asked Mike, do I act like I am anxious with my health and he thought for a minute and said yea some and then I said, how do I show that and he realized, it’s not anxious behavior, it is frustration behavior…

He gets the best of health care and only because he has not only medicare, but ChampVa through me as my dependent… and his aha moment happened… I have been frustrated with my care since Spokane… Not anxious, just fed up with incompetence and negligence…and most of all not being heard….

I like the doctor I have, but having had worked with doctors, the signs are obvious, she is over whelmed, over worked and stretched to her limit… when that happens to any physician, it is the patients that suffer and it impacts the doctor even more, when they realize they are part of that suffering… She is caring, I won’t deny that… but like so many I saw before, I am never allowed to give the information I try to give, it’s always, “we’ll address that next time”… and that has been said so many times over the years, I started reading and learning as much medicine as I can and I still do…

I make no assumptions about my health care… When I read the MRI pictures before we got the report the next day… I saw what the doctor who read the MRI saw… I did radiology in the military… and stupid, I have never been…

Just missing a big hole in my memories, that left me missing the life I had… just like losing a limb to amputation… that is what was done to my brain, by Don & Freda…

Ya know, it’s not anxiety that I deal with it, it is complete and total frustraton… only becasue in 1967 I was shown how little value my life and time on this earth means to anyone else… and the medical care I have gotten since that time has shown me nothing different… To me and my husband and step daughter, my life has value… To everyone else, I am just a thorn in their side and they wish I would just die, so they don’t have to be bothered… that is the way most veterans feel… or we would not have such a high suicide rate…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Takes time for the med to build up???

Since I have never been on BP meds before and hubby is on a very low dose, I had no clue what would happen when I started taking it… but I think I am figuring it out…

We are not smoking any pot now, wanted to give the body a break and the lungs… so the med is messing with me quite a bit…

The side effects, hopefully will not last long… but the results are showing, the blood pressure is coming down, and I guess after a couple of days of taking it, the numbers should be like they were in my military time… I hope…

What bothers me, the arteries in the neck, they are painful and tender to the touch… the left lobe throbbing has stopped, instead it’s just a sharp pain… as for the area that the fistula may be at, that one, it never has not hurt… and that is the side of the brain that suffered a stroke when I died at 13 after the Texas beating….

Tachycardia, it still happens, but not like a race horse… though I will admit, if I get my cardio up, I get dizzy and wanting to be over the throne, giving back what ever I ate…

The med has impacted my appetite… I am down below the weight I was a year ago and I am not trying to lose weight… I like food, but eating is beyond painful and that was this morning breakfast…

I think, when we go home or we have company, they are going to be surprised by how much difficulty I have eating… and that is because of the autonomic neuropathy and the damage Freda and Don did to a little girls rib cage and internal organs…

One thing for sure, my little finger is going to need surgery… It is getting to the point, where using it for anything much, makes it hurt like it is a fresh break… so I know that healed wrong, by how crooked the finger is…

I will never understand how Freda could beat a 6-year-old so severely… that woman is beyond humanity, she is and still is bat shit crazy… 

As for the other problems, those may not even get addressed while we are here… but they are just painful, not life threatening, I think or at least hope… X-ray vision, I never had…

All in all, I can’t complain and my heart rate picks up for no reason… UGH!!!

But vascular disease makes sense and I imagine that cerebral angiogram will confirm I have exactly that… again another thing I was in denial about, before I got my memories back…

So much I could have addressed or made lifestyle changes earlier, if I had known, I died and had a stroke and they decided I wasn’t worth telling… Imagine that…

Christians keeping secrets… sounds like the priests and nuns in the news all the time… but these are just bad old fashion baptist bigots who did this… and the Air Force just help to cover it up… wow…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Squeal, exicting news today…

I have a niece, a family that adopted me decades ago… people I care very much about and the neice has been fighting cancer for a while… and the doctor has given her the okay to come here…

Some time back I made the offer to fly her here and take her to go swim with the dolphins… Since Mike is not a strong swimmer, I will be going in the water with her…

Cancer has taken so many in our family and friends, it makes you appreciate life so much more, when you face death and win… I know, I have done it…

So, come March, we will go swim with the dolphins and do all the fun things there are to do on the island…

We will go explore the new black sand beach from the lava flow we had last summer… and about that time of year, we should also be able to see whales and possibly take one of the charter boats out and get up close and personal with the beautiful creatures…

I am so excited…. We have our guest room ready for her and I can not wait to take her to all the places we enjoy, while we have lived here…

Botanical gardens will be on the list of places to hit… You can count on some beautiful pictures…

So excited…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope some one does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

BP meds giving a little peace to us…

It has been scary, when you have lived with this so long and the doctors are just now realizing you never lied to them and their ego actually got in the way of them doing their job…

The Dura AV Fistula that is in my right superiorlateral area of my skull isn’t throbbing thru my head today and the area on the left lobe, for once isn’t hurting…

I would say the BP medication I started 24 hours ago, was the key to give me relief until they do the cerebral angiography… Which I so hope I am conscious for, I really want to see inside my body when they do the test looking for the fistula… and I am just hoping the pain I am feeling is not more blood clots, but just the Autonomic or peripheral neuropathy letting me know it is there… but if they find an issue that is urgent, they will knock me out to deal with it… oh yea… not…

All of this could have been avoided if Freda (mom) had just told me I died at 13 and had a stroke!!! But christians being what they are, cowards go running for the hills and take every life they can in the process… kind of fun watching Trump and his base squirm… but hey you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself and only the weak-minded believe in gods…Really makes you wonder, why did the aliens come to earth and dump the morons on our planet??? oh so they could be the ones to cause the rapture… dinner is served…lol

The tachycardia has backed off and my blood pressure is reading like it did before the arteries vein disease hit me in 78… It will be interesting to hear what the lawyers medical staff think when they read the records… which could take a couple of years… there is so much garbage for them to wade through to find medical information in my VA records… at least my military records are straight forward…

Looks like the board hearing I had coming up will be rescheduled… all because of Trump and the christians that are afraid of their shadow, sure vets support this bigot, only if you also are a bigot, says a lot for the people who support the GOP and Trump… superstitions… in your DNA, but most of all, it’s about choice, so you choose to be a bigot, we just call you out, that is all…… 

Honestly, won’t those aliens come back and get the morons, so they can experience the rapture… most of them are obese anyway and they will make a great side dish… just saying…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Blood Pressure Meds… ugh…

Day two of taking this new drug and I already hate it… but then I could just be stressed, the carotid artery hurts and the pain in the are of the fistula let me know it is there…

Never ceases to amaze me how doctors, who are so over worked, short-handed and stressed to the max, can nearly cost someone like me their life…

But, the good side, my blood pressure is exactly where it was when I was in the Air Force and it only took 40 years to figure this mess out…

Got a feeling, all those times I said I didn’t have a high BP problem have come back to bite me in the ass…

All Freda had to do, tell me I had a stroke and died when the Texas beating happened… 

Instead, she has been hoping for my death, so her dirty little secrets go to the grave with me…

Hate to disappoint bitch, but I already wrote those dirty secrets… and I am just waiting for our return to the mainland, so I can go after the government for those documents you don’t want the rest of your kids to know about…

Sure explains why Larry and Peggy behave the way they do…

They knew and never told me… hope they choke on their own vomit one day…

Hope springs eternal… 

But the BP med is working and the areas that I think may have clots are not as painful…

Should be going to Kona in the next week or so for the Cerebral Angiography… hope they let me stay awake to watch the monitor… so totally geeked on this test…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope some one does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Freda Bagwell wanted me dead… sorry to disappoint!!!

When we lived in Mena, Freda (mother) asked me on more than one occasion, “don’t you have high blood pressure”, or “Varicose veins”… The woman knew I had a stroke as a child and knew I should be exhibiting signs of arteriovenous disease, just like her…. now disgust, pathetic, warped, twisted… call it what you want… but, If lady luck holds true… I will out live all of those involved with this coverup….

Enough rant, let’s get to the good stuff about this write up….

Back in 2008 after we moved to Las Cruces… I noticed I had problems with my feet… They felt heavy and the toes and front part of the feet tried curling under at night when in bed…

Well by the time we were ready to move to Hawaii, I had no answers, because I couldn’t get one damn doctor in Las Cruces or El Paso VA to address the issue…. big sigh for this early AM!!!

So in 2016 I saw a pediotrist before we moved and paid for it myself… He took X-rays and had me walk and do all the things they would do and all he could find… my feet were turning in and I wasn’t walking correctly, so we put these things in my shoes and it helped… With walking, not the other problem… The doctor said, “I believe your issue is neurological”, I looked at him and my shoulders dropped… I knew getting in with a specialist through the VA would be a nightmare, I just didn’t realize the nightmare that awaited me on Hawaii…

So we get to Hawaii and the first doctor I hire, fires me as a patient and tells me, “Your case is to complicated”… lousy professional!!! The next doctor I hired, the office manager knew more about Medicare and TriWest than me and fired me as a patient… they did call and beg me to come back… only when hell freezes over!!!

Now we get to the doctor I saw yesterday that ruined my day… When she went off on me, she said, “I have done everything you asked”, and I put her in her place very nicely and politely and told, “no you have not, because I haven’t told you the other issues, priorities first”…. and her look was stunned and hubby just grinned…

Okay okay… so the purpose for the right up…

This issue with my feet, it is impossible to know what to research if you do not know what is causing the problem and yesterday the doctor gave me a blood pressure medication to try, because, my numbers were dangerously high, but she doesn’t know why, but I do… High five to me a few thousand times… jumped up and down in my recliner on my backside this morning when the aha moment happened…

What I thought is probably correct… I have arteriovenus disease and have had it for decades, which would explain the weird spikes in my BP over the years… ya see, that BP med the doc gave me… I only took a half a tablet… but…………………….

Laying in bed, I noticed my feet felt different and that aha moment happened, I knew the issue with my feet was neurological and how is that… well that is easy…

Our kidneys, liver and blood get cleaned up as the blood flows through the body… basically it’s like taking cheese cloth and filtering water, to get the junk out, so you just drink water and not the leaves or dirt… same with the body… only one little problem… Mine started malfunctioning in 1978… yep 40 years ago, now you get why I have zero respect for military or VA doctors….

When the doctor said yesterday she had addressed everything I wanted I said…. “No you haven’t, because I haven’t informed you of everything”… Priorities… life, than figure out the rest…

My shoulders literally just dropped and I nearly hit the desk… the relief of knowing that yesterday that doctor showed her lack of humanity, and her arrogance with ego… so here goes my supposition…

Because I have this vein disease, which Freda also has and it is not unusual for this stuff to run in families and heart disease does on both sides… which is why I quit cigs and alcohol… I didn’t want that issue… Well damn me, if I haven’t had it since the brain injury in Texas and that is why Freda kept asking why I didn’t have the issues mentioned above…

Well I did have those issues, mine were just not visible and that is normal according to the science…

So the doctor saying they won’t find anything in my skull that this was not acute, in other words she says I am not at high risk… well this blog shows her negligence on this one… and that is why I have the options to go after so many people for medical mal practice… sigh… but I would rather live, than deal with courts…

To be heard…. 

Someone has to listen and not tell you, we will address that issue at another time… Sadly all these issues are connected to one problem…

TBI, stroke and fistula and venous disease…

So yes, today I will take that BP med, a half tablet, because to take more, brings my heart rate to low and I am already not getting sleep and this drug is impacting that… but… it is giving me relief in my vein system and that will make waiting for this cerebral angiography much easier… why???

Because now I know I will wake up each morning… this drug is helping me maintain equilibrium until they fix this thing in my skull….

Got a feeling my track record against the doctors will continue… me a billion points… doctors….0… now that is sad…. for them, not me…lol

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When Doctors Get It Wrong…

1978, doctor says well you have endometriosis and that is why you are in so much pain… He takes my ovaries and tubes and pathology, zero wrong with them… perfectly healthy…

1979, beg doctor to stop the pain in my lower area near my bladder… so we agree, take uterus and cervix out… pathology, zero wrong with the organs and no referral to a urologist….

1980, Military doctors say you got IBS… wrong… adhesions caused by their surgery…

1996, Civilian doctor in Okanogan says you have Gerd… Wrong…

1998, VA in Spokane… doctor does a colonoscopy, finds zero issues, but decides I suffer from IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome… wrong…

1998, VA in Spokane… doctors says you have FMS Fibromyalgia… Wrong….

1998, VA in Spokane… doctor says you have depression and panic attacks… Wrong…

By 2000 I was taking medication for FMS, IBS, Gerd, Depression and Panic Attacks…

I discontinued all those meds by 2004 or 2005…. Because I knew they were all wrong and the drugs absolutely made my brain feel like it was on an acid trip all the time…

Along with those medications I quit taking Premarin hormone replacement therapy… the stuff turned me into a psycho path… bunch of goofy emojis here….

By the time we got to New Mexico, 2008 I had undergone another bladder surgery and the scheduling department would not let the surgeon set me up to remove the Trans-mesh less than 2 weeks after it was put in… It was left in my body for 13 months and the damage was extensive…

Surgery on Oahu Feb 2018, finally fixed the VA fuck up… Lawsuit settled and awaiting paperwork from the manufacturer of the device… not much money, but it will move us home… I will never be able to lift anything over 20 pounds the rest of my life and if anything happens to my pelvic area, it will mean a full reconstruction… that is how bad the trans-mesh messed up my body and the VA is to blame…

By Feb 2018 I saw a neurologist here on Hawaii for nerve induction tests… my arms were tested at the Little Rock VA in 2005 and we already knew they were impacted, but as she tested my legs, she stuck the needles in my arm… results….

Peripheral neuropathy and Autonomic neuropathy… there is the answer to the Gerd, IBS & FMS….

Dec 26, 2018 I have a MRI and the results show I had a stroke, a bleed on the brain that was old and a possible fistula…

Did you know you can diagnose migraines yourself, without a doctor… huh… always thought, never self diagnose… let the college educated do that… you can disagree, but never be the one to do it yourself if you are not a doctor….and that is what my doctor thinks I have… only one little problem… I know migraines… from family not related to me and friends… and I researched the profile for migraines… I DO NOT FIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I quit taking all the drugs the VA had me on, I felt better mentally… Why??? Because of the brain injury, all medications have an adverse affect on my brain… they cause depression, nausea, dizziness, balance issues, vision issues and the list goes on…

I quit taking the medications and I am left with exactly what I am dealing with…

A traumatic brain injury that damaged enough of my brain to interfere with my memory abilities and my life… 

When doctors quit listening, patients like myself suffer and I should feel bad about the fax I sent to that office… How about the people in that office realize, don’t read what isn’t there… I never said I was suing the doctor…. I have always said to anyone that “LISTENS”… I am going after the Veterans administration… they gave me so much evidence the lawyer we contacted can not wait to get all the files and start the process!!!

I don’t have to agree with any doctor or person on the fucking planet and the day I have too… get out of my way, because we will have a war and I will win!!!!

All I have ever done, is pushed to get someone to listen to my story about the injuries I had zero proof of, just memories that were like ghosts in the night!!!!

Doctors are so used to being lied too… when they hear the truth, they can’t get their head out of their own ass!!!! So over dealing with people who can’t fix stupid, because to do so… You have to look at the world around you without bias….

And BIAS is all I have dealt with!!!

FYI… I told the doctor before she sent me to the neurologist that I had peripheral neuropathy, got zero acknowledgement out of her either…

When you are dealing with a brick wall, you have two choices… keep talking to it and hope it grows ears… or knock it down and go on with your life…

I am ready to knock it down and be done with health care on this damn island called Hawaii… don’t move here, don’t even think about it… Roosters crowing and no sleep, people thinking it is okay to invade your home with loud music and noise and the Aloha spirit… If it existed… the last time I saw it, when I was sent to Tripler in 1986 on Oahu!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who would I Sue???

Just a FYI to whoever is reading local… It isn’t the doctor I would go after….

It is the Veterans Administration… and I have had a case against them since the Trans-mesh implant was left in me for over a year and it caused so much damage…

To top that off… they gave me so much evidence for medical mal practice and negligence and the last surgery in 2011 at the El Paso VA, they nearly killed me…

I came out of surgery and woke up and my fingers were purple up to the knuckles… Oxygen deprived!!!

So before anyone gets their panties in a WAD!!! You have to have justifiable cause to take anyone to court…

I have taken on the Federal government 6 times and never had to use a lawyer…

If I take them on again….A lawyer has already been hired….

It is not the doctor who is at fault…

It is the Veterans Administration…. and every nasty ugly statement employees ever made… they put in writing in my medical records!!! and made it impossible for any of my doctors to find any medical information… instead, my records are full of 3rd party rhetoric from federal employees!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Cereberal Angiography….edited…

Cerebral Angiography and how and why they do them….

They give you a shot to numb the area and they thread a line into a vein, usually in the groin area… Mike has had a couple for his heart… but mine will go all the way to my skull, up where the fistula is likely located….

They will inject a dye into my blood stream and they will start looking for clots… Now, that is just a little scary, because, I have complained about symptoms and no one ever checked those areas for clots… so I am really hoping they do not meet any clots on the way to my skull….

The procedure can take as little as an hour up to a few hours… and according to the doctor I have… she doesn’t think they will find anything…. on the fence about that one… I kind of hope they do, but I am so hoping I am just over reacting… only one little problem and Mike, husband of nearly 25 years will tell you… the number of times I have been wrong… None…Not when it comes to my body and I wasn’t wrong about his heart failure after his ER visit… all college educated licensed doctors and he gets off the plane and 48 hours later, I am pushing for tests… those test found he was 100% blocked in primary vessel and 75% blocked in the other two vessels… and not one doctor in that Tonasket ER, caught his irregular heart beat, a sign of heart damage or heart attack… and I was right… they were wrong… I saved Mikes life… My knowledge, my brain… saved my husband… not college degrees…

I may not have that college degree or formal schooling or training…

But I have lived in this body for 64 years and I was self-aware at 1 years old and making memories… which is rare, not unheard of, but rare…

The biggest reason I did not push for anything to do with the brain… Because, no one believed my stories… not even me… until I stood in Fredas kitchen and told her I was missing memory… only than did I know the horror I had dreamed for over 50 years was true… that was 2010…. got zero comfort from the doctor today about that too… 

I have only had my memories back since Nov 2017… and I have fought tooth and nail to get tests done, because I knew, deep in my heart, mind, body and soul…

I was a walking time bomb… If I am wrong this one time… I have no problem apologizing to the doctor… but If I am right… I guarantee you, the treatment I get in that clinic will be no different from today…. and that ladies and gentlemen is what is wrong in America…

Adults forgot to be and act like adults… gee that does sound like the current administration in the white house… no wonder I am so disgusted…

Hopefully I will be going to Kona in the next week or two, if I don’t have an incident before that, that lands me in the hospital… took a half a pill of the blood pressure med… 1 hour later and the numbers are still way high for my body… my concern… I have vascular disease, which makes the vessels weak and vulnerable… and it will shorten my life span… all of which could have been prevented…

If only someone had told me I died and had a stroke and brain injuries…but the Air Force decided I did not need that information, so did Don an Freda Bagwell, good ole mommy an daddy!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope some one does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Visit with the Doctor… ruined my day…

My biggest pet peeve with the medical profession… They forgot they are the medical profession and if you don’t like people getting upset, cantankerous or pushy… Then why are you in the field of medicine!!! We are sick or we wouldn’t be in their office!!!

First thing an employee did, want me to fill out papers that had zero to do with my health care, so I declined to participate in the states data analysis… Office was hot and I am already sweating bullets and was barely able to eat the few bites of breakfast and it was fast approaching my throat, so we went outside to wait and an employee, who was beyond sweet, comforted me, calmed me and it helped… then I got called back to see the doctor…

That employee went out of their way to let me know how upset the doctor had been, in tears, yada, yada, yada… but didn’t ask me how I was doing!!! So that set the stage for the next attack and that was by the doctor… if you could only hear the sigh I let loose…

When I first started seeing this doctor, I didn’t have Mike come in the room with me… I thought for sure I had a doctor, that I could trust and not be ignored… I was so wrong…

When she started dismissing my complaints and I knew she was forgetting the previous appointments or hadn’t made notes… that is when hubby started going in the room with me as a witness… First thing you do to protect yourself, regardless of the circumstances… Document and witness’s…

Mikes jaw muscle flexed a few times when the doctor started tearing into me today… and I posted the letter I faxed to the office, you can go back and read it… this fax I sent…

All I did is spell it out… listen to me or their will be consequences…. and instead she took it as an insult or personal or what ever… and went on to tell me how she went home and cried that night…

Sorry water works never worked on me before and they sure as hell aren’t going to work now… WHY??? Because she is still dismissing me and telling me things that are not accurate…

I get she is trying to calm and reassure me… but to do that… you have to ask me questions and when I told her of the mini strokes, again, she did not ask me the symptoms, all of which are exactly like the medical journals quote… but I was dismissed and not asked those symptoms, so I gave her all the symptoms I had been dealing with… and again I was dismissed… beyond upset no… but so very disappointed with adults who can not be adults when dealing with patients…

So by the time we left the office… I had a prescription for high blood pressure, which I may or may not take… since I do not know what I am talking about… even though I have been living it for 50 years…

I mean that is like listening to Trump who knows all and does all… that is beyond insanity, that is down right ludicrous!!!

I spent the next hour talking with Mike, and he let it be known how much he was upset by what happened… why??? Because he has been in that room with me since my 3rd appointment with that doctor….

She says she has done all I asked… Do you know how long it took for her to order that EEG!!! I started talking about the injuries and head from the get go…

When I worked with patients in the military, I listened and I heard, because I knew what it was like to be nervous or afraid of health issues… It was our job to catch oral cancer, and other illness’ and insure our patients were informed and most of all listened too….

That is not my situation… In the past, I would have told the doctor to bite my ass and never go back… and by biting my ass… I just wouldn’t go back and see them… and that ultimately bite me in the ass, because of where we are at this stage of the process…

When doctors do not listen, and I mean really listen… patients die… I know, I watched it happen more than once when I worked in the medical field… and I think that is why I made myself vocal… because I didn’t want to be that patient that died, because of a doctors ego…

You know… only the employee that came outside, gave me a hug and actually showed some humanity…

The doctor and the assistant… mainly wanted to make sure I knew how upset they and the doctor were over my fax…

Only in America have I experienced this kind of inhumane behavior towards patients… by doctors and nurses… and used too, I would just walk away, because the conflict they created by ignoring me, the patient… was not worth anything… not even my health… and I am so on the fence on that same subject at this very moment…

The doctor says, the damage in the brain is small and it is old and likely there is no fistula???

I am so sorry, but when is any brain damage small and when did humans get X-ray vision…. and I am missing memory, a person with my memory ability doesn’t have holes in their memories… but I do…

One part of me hopes she is right and knows more about my own body than I do…

The other part of me hopes the Cerebral angiography shows exactly what I have been saying all along and I can make the bigots in that doctor’s office kiss the white ass I have!!!

The test will not be on Oahu… They are doing it in Kona, on the other side of the island… so that is a bonus in itself… and that test wouldn’t be done, if they weren’t looking for bleeds and drains, because of the fistula… and fistulas can be asymptomatic for decades before they do anything… My head has bothered me since 1968!!!

Long story short… I am hoping the doctor is right, but she has not addressed all the issues I have, and I pointed that out from the appointment I had this summer, when the doctor had a migraine and shut me down in the exam room…. and yep… hubby was with me…

I have had more opportunities to sue and win massive amounts of money… The only reason I don’t… because I have values, ethics and above all morales… I am not sue happy and never have been… I took on the trans-mesh only because of the damage the VA ignored for years… and that was 10 years ago and I still haven’t seen a dime…

Yet I was judged in that doctor’s office today and it just showed me how bigoted people really are, when they base an opinion on very little facts… My blog is my diary and the doctor is more than welcomed to read it and she will see… what she said in the exam room today was a load of bull shit…

I do not lie, simply because, I can not remember the lie once it leaves my lips… Truth has always been my path… I have no interest in changing that for anyone… christian, doctor or friend or kid…  I will not change my values, just to make someone else happy…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… I am beginning to think the government would just as soon she be forgotten…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

To be Heard, Someone has to Listen….

Depression is in the house… not surprising, when all you get from people is, “hope things go well” or an emoji instead of heartfelt words… Any clue how many cards or gifts I sent to people fighting for their lives??? More than I can count…

Yep, depression is in the house and this time I don’t think it is going to go anyplace soon and there is a good reason for that…

To be Heard….. someone has to Listen… and listening is not a skill most people have, they are too wrapped up on their own little worlds and bias’ and bigotry to hear anything other than their own siren song…

Those you hope hear you, are not listening… be it the kids, grankids or friends… and most of all the doctors…

My voice has been silenced so long, I am ready to retreat back into my private world and step away from all that I started… does that make me a quitter… absolutely not… because If I was a quitter… I would have never gotten this far…

I am so very tired of all this and that is not a good place to be mentally when you are dealing with a Dura Fistula that is likely draining into my brain…

It is remarkable how different it is, with the headaches gone and the brain clear… Mini strokes… I knew this and I lied to myself… You always want things to be better than they are and this time is no different…

I know that pressure is building in the fistula, because my blood pressure on the opposite side of the body is high and for me, dangerously high… the numbers have not come down since the headaches quit… I would like to say this has happened before, but I have no memory of these kind of issues… all that means, I just didn’t do my blood pressure when the symptoms happened and just ignorantly went about my business, unaware that I was a walking time bomb for a stroke or heart attack…

I take some responsibility… I wasn’t able to convey my concerns to the employees at the Veterans clinic in Las Cruces, El Paso VA, Little Rock VA, Spokane VA, Seattle VA, Tuscon VA, Oregon VA and lastly Hawaii’s Hilo VA… So I take responsibility for the head trauma my parents gave me and my inability to communicate…

So If I die, I guess it’s all my fault and not the hundreds of Veterans Employees???

What responsibility do they take??? I forgot, this is Trumps world… where truth doesn’t matter… guess life doesn’t either…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Last write up today… precautions taken…edited 2

This whole medical journey just keeps taking twists and turns and my head is spinning like the girl from the Exorcist!!!

It just all finally makes sense… and it piss’ me off, that I didn’t remember the stuff about mini strokes… that was part of training decades ago… well at least I thought of it today…

Went back and looked at the blog, at least I had enough common sense to document the symptoms when they started…

From around the middle of July of 2018 till Jan 1, 2019…. I was having mini strokes…

Mike will back that up 100%, once we both sat down and looked in detail at what the cause and symptoms are… it fit me to a “T”….

Scary, but hey, at least I know now, that my gut was right about all the precautions I started setting up in our home and Mike has a plan for the ambulance…

You see, our little acre has a long drive way with a secure locked gate… So I have had to give my husband a crash course on what to do and not do in an emergency…

Fortunately, because of his own heart failure, we have nitro in the house and baby aspirin… all he has to do, call 911 and go unlock the gate… if it’s just a stroke, if it is a heart attack, well, that just may well cost me my life and theirs nothing we can do about our living situation or location on the island…

I think it’s time I got on-line and ordered a defibrillator and heart monitor… I have everything else I need… but hubby, he needs equipment and can’t go the old fashion way with me… where as if it was him… I can keep him alive till EMS shows up… so yep, I be in one big catch 22 right now…

At least now I know, and so does Mike, if a mini stroke happens again… we go straight to the hospital and let them deal and the VA can just pay for it!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… hope someone does….

Sgt. USAF DAV

The purchase of a defilbrilator is way out of my price range… I am so screwed….

Hubby contacted our senator, think he’s a little freaked, hopefully they jump in, they got the surgery done after my fighting the VA for 10 years… hope springs eternal….

Mini Strokes…. who knew…

Symptoms of a TIA are similar to those of a stroke include:

Numbness or muscles weakness…. hello

Difficulty speaking or understanding speech… look at some of my writing…

Dizziness or loss of balance… yep

Double vision or difficult seeing in one or both eyes… yeppers…

Symptoms usually last only a few minutes but may persist for up to 24 hrs…  mine went about 36 hours, can’t remember it lasting longer…

We know that sometime this summer, I wrote about “When Did I Have A Stroke”…

That was my first clue that the EEG and any other tests, could possibly show signs that I had a stroke a long time ago…. but it wouldn’t show any signs if I was having mini strokes…

These aha moments sometimes totally freak me out… Anyway…

Every symptom above, I have experienced, not once, not twice but at least a dozen times since this past summer….

What does all this mean… It just means that the high blood pressure when I get out of bed is an indicator that I will have either a heart attack or a major stroke….

Well that is one way to silence my story…. You have no clue how totally freaked and scared to death I am right now… 

I won’t get an appointment this week, if next week happens it will be a shock… One thing is for sure… Hubby’s lawyer, is getting an ear full…

Hope those government employees at the Hilo VA office know, I document everything and one employee has already sabotage my travel for the surgical follow-up on my birthday… and she is one rude vulgar bitch….

I got to ask… why do I get to deal with all the corruption and corrupt morons on this planet… aren’t there any other dumb ass’s they can screw with!!!

So it looks like mini strokes is what I have been experiencing since when ever I wrote that blog about strokes…

I really do not want to close my eyes tonight…. I so want to meet my new great-grandson and I am terrified, the VA wil