SWAT… cop killed on Hawaii

 

I would share the video I took, I did put it on face book…. but SWAT was here a little while ago and took down a white suv with 2 occupants and I will tell you it was an experience that bothered me an should not have… I have never had any type of issue with police of any kind… and yet watching the swat in action, I felt panic, fear and I still went outside and took video…

You know that saying I have “You Can’t Fix Stupid”… Well I did it this time…

It took an hour for the video to upload to face book, so doing it here, would be even more difficult…

We lost a tower in the lava flow and our internet is my cell phone via blue tooth… it’s how we do everything… but reception has been bad since the lava started and video is just a nightmare to upload…

Anyway… the incident is making me evaluate what happened in Texas… that trip to Big Springs is becoming more important than I thought…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

America on Stage…

I have been lucky to have lived in many countries, thanks to the military… My dad was in and we got shipped off to Japan after the Big Springs, Texas incident…. and what little I remember about Johnson AFB and off base housing was not pleasant… Dad beat me an injured my brain again… and a couple I babysit for, the Ssgt assaulted me… I was only 14…

While living in the rice patties as we called them, I remember seeing a woman in her 40’s, though she looked much older and when she turned towards me as she walked by the house, 1/2 of her body was severely burned and scarred… she had been at Hiroshima…

My first taste of war and its cost on human lives… After we moved to Okinawa, I remember going to the hospital that was new and had been built solely because of Vietnam… and laying on a gurney was a kid no more than 19… the only thing recognizable about him as a human being was his face… the rest of his body had been hit by napalm and burned… he was so sedated, he never knew life was going on around him….

When sent to Trippler, on Hawaii… I saw first hand the bullet holes from the Japanese Zeros who shot at the hospital when they attacked Pearl Harbor….

I stood at the memorial, where many men died as their ship sank into the ocean…seeing the occasional bubble of air escaping from the wreckage where so many American men still laid…

As I watch how Trump, a man who has no ethics, values, morales or dignity…. I am reminded of the signs of war that I saw around the world and Trump is bringing it home to America…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

Sgt. USAF/DAV

Writing is easy….

According to Mark Twain the man with the touch of story telling… Writing is easy, it’s only words… cross out the wrong ones and you got your story…. I so wish it was that easy…

Just stepping out of my comfort zone and talking about domestic violence, rape, attempted murder, theft, grand larceny… you name it, I got to experience it… How the hell do you write about that… So much happened in my first 39 years on this planet…

All the while living with TBI, PTSD and depression… and never knowing why I had or experienced any of those issues…

Since then my life has been your typical life, kids got married, kids had kids, now those kids are having kids… no one is in jail or addicted to drugs… so yea, I have a typical life…. Now….

Its only now I feel I can go back to that life… Regaining control over some of my memories has allowed a little girl to pass away, knowing that her memory will always live inside of me… as all our childhoods live inside us… that is what molds us into the people we are and the never-ending desire to learn… To make mistakes and learn and grow… that’s all any of us can really hope for…

So no, writing is not easy… there are times my hands shake and my heart races and I remember the rapes or the beatings or the attempted murder and most of, when I remember my mothers hate for that little girl, my heart starts pounding….

Then its gone, in a flash, the emotional moment has passed, the fear is gone and all that is left is me, telling the story of a little girl, whose only mistake was to tell the truth…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

 

TBI, PTSD & Detaching from Reality….

There are times I like my unique memory ability and there are times I absolutely hate it…  I mean really, would you want to remember every detail of a rape you survived???

As I cruise through my memories lately… No walls being thrown up, no barricades, no desire to take the thought process another direction… No, I am enjoying the memories that are coming forward…

I see in my mind’s eye, when I chose to detach from reality and just walked through life, not participating in it… I taught myself to meditate, be it at a cult Baptist church or in the home… I taught myself to leave and go into my own world… I took this path after the beating on Japan…

It’s a scary path if you are not aware of what you are doing… you can get your self lost in another world of your own making… and kids today think VR is the go to thing… The brain is the most powerful computer on the planet… and I used mine to survive…

When life bitch slapped me in the face, I evaluated what went wrong, how not to make the same mistakes again and FYI… I was married 6 times before the age of 40… took me a couple of decades to get it right… Yet each marriage played its part in my remembering my past…. Hubby & I will celebrate 25 years next year… I learned from my mistakes and I stayed in the moment in this marriage… I stayed with reality… It was my first steps to freeing Margie, with the support of my best friend and soul mate…

I can’t do it anymore… I meditate, but instead of going to my own world of imagination, I see only reality, my new bed-fellow….

Detaching from reality during the domestic violence of 18 years allowed me to survive…. Recognizing it as part of my life and makeup is what helped me to wake up from my 50 year nightmare…. That along with no longer running from the past, but embracing it… digesting all its ugly parts, always in the hope of finding some good memories…

The depression has disappeared, I fear it no more… Nor do I miss it… I accept my life and my existence because I believe in me… Nothing in life is insurmountable if you believe in yourself….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Mortal combat with yourself…

Anger issues… Yes at one time there were anger issues and once in a while that anger frightened even me… 

I was fighting to keep Margie locked up in her little cell… and let me tell you… she put up one hell of a fight….

Margie was born a gentle soul… precocious cute little girl with curly hair and big gray eyes… those eyes changed color after the boob incident… she was 8 yrs old is my guess…

The first touch of violence Margie felt left a scar so deep, it changed the course of her life… she was only a toddler… barely able to utter single words… That one blow of the hair brush set in motion a childs willingness to survive and not be broken by the very people who gave her life…

As the memories surface, I know that the first TBI happened around the age of 8 and it was over the boob incident… things changed between Margie and her mother… a mother who had her own demons… yet no excuse for the violence and hate…

Margie has been my constant battle ever since she died in Big Springs, Texas… Because I refused to hear her cries and plea to be heard and set free… I made my own life a living hell and those around me… as I fought to silence her voice…

When I finally quit fighting myself… When I accepted what is, can not be changed… When I acknowledge the fact that my own parents did all the could to break a little girl… to take the life that they had created…

So many tired… None tried harder than Maggi to silence Margie…

I will never go by the name Margie… It is a name connected to much physical and emotional & psychological pain…

Margie is free, she is no longer a prisoner of the past… She has given me her all and its my turn to take up the task and complete this journey to remember….

May Margie now rest in peace, may she haunt me only in my dreams….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Democracy is worth fighting for…

MaggiBasicTraining77

I honestly don’t know what to say or express my anger at what Trump did to America…

My family has been defending this country since before the American Revolution… Martha Washington is a cousin and many more that gave all for Democracy…

When I worked for 5th AF Protocol and had to deal directly with the KGB… I have never been more aware of a corrupt country and the way it dictates how its people should live… this was before the Wall in Germany came down… I will never forget meeting the KGB… I can picture those 2 men in front of my desk all these years later….

What Trump did in siding with Putin… He threw America under the bus… He swore an oath to uphold and protect America… Yet in his own words… He threw Democracy under the bus… He threw Americans under the bus….

Every Man and Woman in uniform swore a oath to Democracy… They did not swear an oath to Russia… They did not die for Russia… They died for America and You…

I wore a uniform for 5 1/2 years in support of the American Constitution and the American people…

I never swore an oath to any country but America….

Trump can not say that…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

A-ha Moment, the players in my life….

There have been so many people who played a part in my life… Some of it good, some of it bad… yet they all help to mold the person I am today… By simply watching the choices they made….

As the memories flood back in, lots of times it is just bits and pieces or a flash of a moment… guess you could say at times I am on a memory tour, I just don’t have a say in what pops up…

When you are missing memory and you are aware of it and I don’t mean you were told you suffered a brain injury and lost memory…

I am talking about people like me who were never told they had a TBI… saw over and was tested by 6 psychiatrist and not one of them caught it… until the last one… and that man was brilliant, so sad he was murdered by a patient… but, he only caught the PTSD…

Not one medical or psychological professional and I have seen hundreds in my life time of the medical and at least a dozen of the mental health and no one caught it… WHY???

I was able to hide it… I learned when the first beating happened as a child, never let them know how much they are hurting you… never give away your true emotions…. never trust any of them… and that is exactly what Margie did… which explains to me the paranoia I felt strongly on occasion… which I am happy to say is gone….

Family, I kept my distance from most of them… when contact was made, I watched, listened and most of all, I kept quiet…. I let these players provide me with what I was seeking without even knowing I was looking…. again, Margie… forever manipulating me, fighting me to expose the players in her life… the ones who took it…

I never thought I was a patient person, until I got that opportunity to bring up the hair brush to my mother… my older sibling was only 4, so I was just over 1-year-old… never heard any stories about that hair brush….so the expression on mothers face when I repeated what happened that day, the look on her face after 50 years was worth the wait… she knew I remembered all the way back to toddler age… I saw fear… may explain why she refused to tell me about the missing memory when I stood in her kitchen in 2010 and asked her about it…. Coward to the end… that is how all bullies are… cowards and tyrants… sounds like Trump….

My dad, who betrayed me for the woman he loved… he threw me under the bus and became the beater… so she would look innocent, but I knew the instigator was always her…. and he was no innocent…

The aunts and uncles who never stepped in… come to find out it was going in their households too… what were these people subjected to, to make them into monsters….

Then the military…. Multiple rapes, young and adult… then my child at Vance AFB… where image was more important than life… Ask those 26 victims of the Texas shooting on Nov 5, 2017… 2 days later I woke up…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….