Prayers for Trump….

Pelosi says she is praying for Trump???

If “Prayer” did any good, why did our nation see more school violence an death after Columbine, when prayer flowed freely… to stop another mass killing an Sandy Hook happened an more of the same carnage…

If prayer did any good, those of us who know the truth…. would be on our knees…

The truth is the mass shooting in Florida 2/14/18…..

Kicking the can down the road does not change the color of the pasty dude in the white house….

We have accepted two rapist on the supreme court and a rapist in the white house… I would say the devil got all he wanted, thanks to those impotent prayers….

So keep praying and building up the corrupt of soul, heart an mind….

You’ll find me growing lots of garlic an digging a moat… Never turn your back on those who pray….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, would it have mattered???

I remember Margie, who asked if her life mattered, it did not, as her parents showed her with death…

Sgt USAF DAV

Expedia Travel Insurance is a waste of your money….Citi Bank is a joke and United Airlines is a rip off to this disabled veteran…..

Oh what a wakeup call by using travel companies like Expedia or in fact using airlines period… if you don’t cancel with 24 hours, and you have no insurance… your money is gone… and not a damn thing you can do about it…

Now if you got this waste of money travel insurance, what happens…. UNITED keeps your money!!! TRUE STORY!!!!

So they issue a voucher only one problem… They won’t fly our big dog, even though we booked his flight and then booked our flights… once they had our money, that is when they told us they would not take the big dog… because of them killing so many pets last summer!!!!

Well I am a disabled veteran on a fixed income and that kind of money does not grow on trees, so this is what UNITED Airlines is doing to a 100% disabled veteran…

Making me fly alone with the smaller dog, other wise the near thousand dollars they have of my money is gone, poof, zapped, disappeared….

So I get to fly out 3 hours earlier than Mike, who will be on Hawiian with the big boy…

Want to talk about a cluster fuck…. want to get screwed by Expedia… don’t book with them… in fact… don’t waste money flying at all…

And I had to sign into my word press account, just so I could write this blog today… and Citi Bank would not reverse the charge on my credit card…

Now think carefully, how many companies do I not do business with and I am very consistent… Red Lobster… Sizzler Steak House… Bank Of America, Wells Fargo, Capitol One, Verizon and the list goes on…. Well you can add Citi Bank and Expedia to that list… after this move the travel by air will never happen again, that is a fact… and as for the credit card… paid them off twice in less than 18 months, talking 5 figures… they just lost my business…

I may not be able to impact the world with my story or change the corruption of christians and the raping faith they have… but when it comes to my money…

I am the only one in control…. one thing for sure, with that voucher from United… my seat should be first class… hubby, likely economy on his ride…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because even this web site does not listen!!!

I Remember… Margie and how life has been just fine without technology…

Sgt. USAF DAV don’t fly United Airlines if you have big dogs…. Run don’t walk, to any other airlines!!!

Ooops, not so fast… back on the market… house that is…

Never a dull moment when life decides other choices… but this was a good lesson as we found out we had the wrong dog cages, because of all the pet deaths last summer… fortunately, we were able to get the big boy his cage… but we had to change airlines and that is when things went south fast…

Long story short… the sale fell thru and we are back on the market and 1 hour after the MLS was active we have a scheduled showing…

The house will go fast, but this time, I will be more cautious how I accept the next offer… If you do not already have loan approval, don’t waste my time and yes you can get loan approval, not just a pre approval from the bank, but actual approval for a loan…. you just have to do a little more work for it, that’s all… and if you are honest, why wouldn’t you get it, before wasting peoples time???

Because of lookie lous…. and I am not exactly supper sweet with realtors who bring that kind of client… it is after all my property and my time… and most of all my property….

So we spent the afternoon cancelling all our reservations… now that we know about the airlines, we can fly both animals together on the same one and us with them… thankfully Hawiian is a contractor for the government, so big pups they would have to carry….

I spent my afternoon, staging the house and it’s back to keeping it pretty and having strangers walk thru my home… Are we done yet???

Sleep tonight will be good and lots of positive thoughts it goes quickly… the morons next door let the hens have chicks and right now there are 3 clutches wandering our property and to early to tell how many roosters… but cymbals may be in my future order from Amazon and at 4 in the morning, my neighbors could very well get an ear full…. better make sure I get ear plugs for us though…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, reality just doesn’t seem to do it for the christians….

I Remember… Margie… who loved the baby chicks….

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Need stock in a Garlic Farm…

Watching the news, as we are several hours behind everyone on the mainland… we go to CNN for the latest and most unbiased story… an we pop over to our local station an the ticker at the bottom of the screen says, “a 71 year old man raped a 3 year old girl”…. I nearly threw up my coffee and the flash of rape went before my eyes… everyone I ever was forced to endure…. and the memory was gone… but the vomit is still in my throat…

So I went on a tirade on face book… and just a FYI, Zuckerber is censoring, I am watching it in real time… but anyhow…. I went on a tirade about Trump and his corrupt religion and his “base” as they are called, if it was me… human would be my preference, but “base” it is…. and the rapes and all that goes on in those states that just passed restrictive abortion laws…. and again just a FYI…. science will tell you a heart beat, does not denote life… but when did christians or any religion buy into science… it doesn’t fit their agenda to be in control of their lives, and by watching Trump in action that isn’t even happening… so they want to control yours and mine…

People think I am kidding when I say… “If you tell me you are a christian I will step back from you, mentally, socially and physically…. I will never turn my back on any human that insists on wearing a label based on fantasy and not reality…. why???

Because they be bat shit crazy…. Just look at Trump & Pence… Pence is definitely off the deep end of reality and he is exactly the kind of officer that raped me in the Air Force… Ain’t that sweet!!!

I know garlic grows real well in Okanogan county, used to be a farm that grew some of the best…. I be thinking if I can’t dig a moat around my house…. I will be planting me some kick ass garlic to keep the crazy, delusional christians and all religions away from my sanctuary….

Not much I can do when I go out in public…. maybe I can come up with a rose smelling mini garlic necklace… just a thought…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… because christians think they are smart… nope just crazy and still in charge… their days are numbered as are all that hurt children in the name of a man made god…

I Remember… Margie and her desire to be left alone…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy and Heat…

This heat is hitting me hard and the humidity is just making me feel worse… so our leaving is the right thing to do… AC has been on since 5AM…

On Okinawa, after the last time I was hit upside the head, that was when it happened and I thought for sure it was a heat stroke… We all learn that stuff, living on the island, so that we don’t have issues…. and when I told Freda what happened down at suicide cliff, she was indifferent….

What I releated to as a heat stroke, was actually a neuropathy event…. and it would take 4 1/2 decades for it to get as bad as it is now…

Basic was in late September and Lackland is no picinic in the heat and I had just had a baby 2 months before… and I had no issues…..

By the time I left active duty, once in a while, the heat would bother me and I thought I was just dealing with forced menopause via the Air Force….

The last place we live was Las Cruces, NM…. and it can hit over 100 easily… but… when not monsoon season, it is the driest environment around and again the heat did not bother me…

When the humidity made it known, was when we lived in Arkansas, before NM… that humidity left me drained and I warned Mike about Hawaii how it could be the same and turns out I was right….

Neuropathy affects each person differently, though the doctors try to clump us into groups… what happen to individual care????

Until we leave Hawaii, I am now a prisoner of my home, because going out in the heat and humidity, just turns my stomach inside out…. thus the install of AC last year…

One of the biggest reasons we are going home… that climate was the best for me, high desert, but a definite 4 seasons and low humidity…

The room is heating up, it’s hot on Hawaii… going to be a good summer for sun and play this year….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, would you have listened???

I Remember Margie… and being told to be silent about the abuse….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Success is not a religious thing…

My granddaughter put a post out about “failed marriages or partners”….

Only the religious think marriage is sacred… when in reality its a compatibility contest more than anything…

As long as you try, in any relationship, regardless if it succeeds or not…You are a success….

To live with another human in harmony is a religious head fake….

To live with another human an respect them, love them, care for them an put them along side you, not up on a pedestal… That is a successful relationship…

Leave the man made gods in the gutter where they belong an life just gets so much simpler an most of all, rewarding….

Success is not measured in how long you are married… Success is measured in how you made each other feel….

Same could be said for parenting….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, no one cared….

I Remember Margie….

Sgt USAF DAV

Stroke and how all the signs were always there….

Just like asking Trump to tell the truth… so have I asked my mother Freda, at least a 100 times to get the truth out of her…

Once you choose to lie, your whole life is false and Trump puts it out there for all to see, as do most cons… mommy dearest…. not so much… she even had hubby fooled…. eh, what can you do… my favorite saying and I tell hubby the same thing… “You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix itself”….

After the MRI, there was no doubt in his mind about any of my story… but that was true 10 years ago… when ya stay consistent with your story and don’t deviate off the path of truth… believers fall in behind ya… with cons like Trump and mommy dearest… just as the farmers are doing in the mid west, so are the people that know Trump and mommy dearest… a life of lies is such a lonely life….

What I have meant to write about the last few days after WP screwed up my site… was about the stroke and how I know it was Texas, where I lost so much… and now… thought has taken a sabitical and will make it’s way around eventually….

As for why I was so skinny, growing up…. I escaped the house when ever possible and if it meant missing lunch or even breakfast, so I didn’t get hit… I was good with that… and that continued until I was about 17 and told Don, if he ever laid a hand on me again, he would be dead…

So being skinny was not denial of food, it was escape from hell….. my siblings all show how much food they missed… last family reuinion, everyone was obese… guess their god doesn’t do diets….

Aha moments come an go with my memory issues… the one thing everyone kept telling me lately, the damage will never go away, the repair time was when it happened and you are playing catch up now and some of the damage, will never be reversed physically… or mentally….

So I got one warning….. before we get back to the mainland…

I have a condition and that condition is 100% unfiltered and it really doesn’t give a damn what you think, when it comes to my life, existence or person…

It’s what I think and only what I think that matters in this world… why???

Because it’s my world, my body and slavery died under Lincoln… or did it???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…. becasue to be heard, you have to be seen…

I Remember… Margie… who disliked the lime light…

Sgt USAF DAV

An I still don’t like this crap popping up while I am typing or waiting a full minute for the site to open so I can write!!!

The goddess moon is bright…

She shines bright, this goddess of the night…

Her breath a cool dew upon the night…

Her energy glowing bright,

this goddess of the night…

Her cold beauty a reminder this night…

The goddess of the moon has more rights…

Than human women made of light….

The goddess of the night,

will never know a humans plight…

Her freedom never questioned,

for without this goddess of the night…

Life on earth would not be right……

As human women fight for the right….

To live their lives like the goddess of the night…

For without women….

There would be NO mens rights….

TimesUp #MeTo WhyIDidntTell, Because christians are silencing our voices…

I Remember Margie, who knew the goddess of the night…

Sgt USAF DAV

Our pups secret game…

They get more trusting every day an today no exception…

Out shopping an getting ready to move, attention time is cut back…

Tonight they showed us just how they entertain each other…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, who will listen…

I Remember Margie an her love for life…

Sgt USAF DAV

Time is flying by….

The move, fast approaching… Still in awe at the eye clinic..I would have passed anyway… Informed decisions, not conveyer belt medicine an being my eyes…I will wait till after our move an I can be down for recovery… not happening at this moment in time…

PTSD has been around an intrusive… I have such a great hubby, he just goes an finds a job outside to do, an lets me work it out….

So far no hiccups, dogs get certificate in time to fly and all other arrangements are done an hubby did most of it….when I could make the stuff large enough to see I helped… move should be straight forward…I hope….

By this time in June we will be in a travel trailer, on the road home for a couple weeks of house hunting…

Stress, dealing with it better than before… an interacting socially like I used to do… Even invited kids to our home, that we met here…very talented artist, bought a bunch of stuff today for gifts…

For my grand daughter an her five year old…She wanted magic necklaces an these dance in the light…

Excited to go home, tempered with no expectations… Life has a habit of surprising me once in a while… so, we shall see…

Just looking forward to getting set up with my big monitor, once our stuff arrives, so I can write an not just prattle… finger typing, not my favorite…

Something big or what my brain conceives as big is hitting my night time… so sleep is good one night an not the next… the sooner the better… I need that sleep right now…PTSD, never given me a say before!!! The nightmare will or will not reveal its self…

Autonomic neuropathy has been intrusive an it make me wonder if that is why my thyroid symptoms got misinterpreted….. hopefully settling down, I will get these last few answers…

When I look back, I got a lot of my answers, thanks to a very few good doctors, here on Hawaii… Civilian health care beat VA hands down… I am grateful to the islands for those answers….

I expect some tests will be redone, but Mike did a good job getting all info I need to request records after we leave here…

I just have hope that no one has expectations of me in any way, when we go home…

These words will be reminded often… I have a condition, you would be wise not to piss me off… True story, that filter left the building when the MRI confirmed the truth….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…look what they did to Professor Ford!!!

I Remember… Margie, who dislikes yard sales….thanks granny…big time smiling emoji…

Sgt USAF DAV

Its A Go….

All plane tickets bought, cargo ordered an vehicles arranged for shipping, dogs get health certificate in a couple weeks an all we do is wait for departure date…

Not bad for moving all our junk from Hawaii to Washington…

Are we done yet???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because those in power still control women’s rights!!!

I Remember Margie an watching the destruction of democracy because of christianity….

Sgt USAF DAV

Learning new… Luminess air…

Not a big makeup fan…but I wanted to try a new thing an this air brush sounded challenging with my hands an arms, top that vision issue in the mix…I really know how to frustrate myself….

First time I tried, my arm went limp…had to teach it a new way of holding something without stressing all the damages, and had to remind myself how good it is for the brain to learn new…an a magnifying mirror helped…

Once I went outside an had Mike look, he said it looked good, natural, which is my goal… no pancake makeup for me, just makes the ole wrinkles show more…

Accomplished yet, no it will take me doing it a few weeks to get the process imprinted in my memory, so it becomes natural for me…

Now if I can figure out the WP site on the PC, frustration will take a back seat an progress will continue…

I look in those eyes an see the little 5 year old after the TV interview beating….

I see the broken finger then an see it still broken 60 years later….

Depression has had a hold, fatigue is much an excitement is building an smoke alarms went off at midnight an I got angry for a few seconds… sleep was and is lacking, but..

I refuse to beat myself up for trying… yet I did…

Frustration is here, though not the boss…Figured out the alarms an got enjoyment out of putting on war paint…. always learning, growing an trying… all any of us can do…

TimesUp #MeTo WhyIDidntTell because false gods an delusional believers out number the sane…

I Remember Margie, who has never known a pain free day, ever…

Sgt USAF DAV

Frustration has hit….an wins…

All I can see in my minds eye, is the pop up stuff around the paragraph/block I am writing an all of a sudden my laptop is no longer a pen for me to write, an the elbow an hand tell me this Ipad will not work long……

Frustration, something I have lived with forever… an this time it is taking more than my innocence or soul or life… it is taking my outlet of silence the last 63 years an putting the silence back in place…..

People playing god with abortion laws, freedom of speech on face book an that censor is beyond Trump bigotry… because the owner is a christian an his beliefs that matter, not mine… just as WP changed things up, as is their right as owners… it is my right as a consumer to look else were….

So though I can not write as I like because of WP changing the program an placing visual cues in my only active vision area when doing up close stuff, what do I do now…

I doubt it matters to any but me, an here comes the depression… why???

Because an entity took control of my environment with no thought to the impact on me as a person or consumer… sounds a lot like how Trump is running our country… I have said for years the draft would come back… I also said no one has control over what I do… I was wrong…

Writing has lost its value…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because a voice has to be heard….

I Remember Margie… and her silence…

Sgt USAF DAV

So done with writing…edited

I had a aha moment that confirms the stroke, that absolutely happened in Texas…

It took the WP site a full minute to just get into my site and then it took another full minute to open my site to write….

It just takes all the air out of writing it on this site… their is no joy in sharing my journey, when you struggle to get into word press and write, which makes it feel like it was for me, when I open up about what I have lived through!!!

Honestly, I had a good one to write about and I just don’t feel like going there and doing anything about any of this…

Word press has destroyed what was working just fine in less than a blink of an eye by an update and I have no way to roll back that update…

Remember… I am having major vision issues with up close environments and that won’t change until I have surgery, and since I am dealing with the VA, that could be never… so change of any kind, like our move is beyond stressful for a person with multiple brain injuries…

But as long as word press makes the money it wants and takes away from this paying customer… just as what the law makers and politians are doing playing god… so too did word press and this atheist has no use for any authority, especially when I pay for it!!!

Taxs!!! and I paid a fee for this site!!!!

Beem me up Scotty, I have had my fill….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, to hear, you have to listen….

I Remember… Margie and her fight for survival among the religious insane…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Word Press you suck!!!

Takes over a minute for the stupid page to open, so you can even write and by the time it is up, I am sitting here thinking of other things I could be doing instead of writing about an aha moment concerning my storke from age 13!!!!!

Between christians thinking they are normal and sane and have a right to tell me what I or any woman does with her body is about as annoying as dealing with the changes word press made…

Which I can not figure out how to make sure the spell check or anything else is turned on!!! WHY???

BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE THE DAMN CRAP ITS TO SMALL ON THIS LITTLE LAP TOP!!!

If they had to make changes, why couldn’t they wait till I had my other machine unpacked and set up in a few months after our move!!!????

Several things I could have written about that have to do with stroke, depression, neuropathy….

Instead I am so annoyed at the site I paid for until fall of 2020, has turned me off of writing!!!

YOU CAN NOT FIX STUPID…. STUPID HAS TO FIX ITSELF!!!!!!

#MySiteLeaveItTheHellAlone!!!!!

WTF WORD PRESS????

Okay, now I am getting pissed, instead of writing about what I had planned…

I just had to sign into my word press web site!!! WHICH I NEVER SIGNED OUT OF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is wrong with people… I PAID FOR THIS SITE AND I DID NOT ASK FOR YOU TO SCREW WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Want to kill a person’s desire to use a website, Word Press is fast doing it and I will be out a couple hundred dollars…..

I am so over people thinking that they have a right to lie to me, steal from me, cheat me, manipulate me…

JUST BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BOW DOWN TO THEIR SORRY ASS!!!!!!

So much for writing!!!!

#MYBODYMYCHOICE #MYSITEQUITSCREWINGWITHIT!!!!!!

Do not like changes!!!

So not happy with what Word Press has done to my site… If I want change, I will make change…

If I want an abortion…. it’s my body and not some superstitious bull shit religions choice… as with this site…

Word Press thought of progress and not how it will impact the people as a whole… Same with abortion laws…

I do not like the block crap, I bought a program that uses it and to me, it just confuses the issue with writing and since I am not at that point of doing the books first run, I have no interest in learning this block crap…

I just want to write what comes to mind, because each write has a clue in it for me that I can use in my book… it’s a diary with hidden meanings that only the players of the story would pick up on…

Which would explain why the silence of the lambs is happening in my birth family… just saying…

As for my vision, I quit reading books back in 95… and I told the eye docs something was impacting my vision when it came to reading or computers and they saw nothing…. I would sigh, but I gave that up for lint…

I had about 400 books when we moved to Mena in 03… those got given away… and we see where I am at in 2019… My up close vision is impacted by the cataracts in both eyes and have been now, going on 30 years………… health care in America is just oh so great…. NOT!!!

The conveyer belt clinic I went to didn’t want me to make an informed decision, they wanted a choice, right then and now and I left with no diagnosis in writing or anything which is in violation of the contract with the VA and Tri-West… so I will let the next doc get that for me…

I really hate this crap popping up while I am trying to type… the fact I found the setting to turn the other stuff off, was a lucky hunch…

There are days I wish our world was more like the ending of the time machine… back to nature… but superstition would rear its ugly head and back to where we are today with people telling me what I can and can not do with my body, the web site I paid for or the freedom of speech on face book…

And they said SLAVERY WAS DEAD!!! Not according to the christians destroying America….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… because “Christians” have said a 12 year old deserved the rapes and a 5 year old deserved the broken bones…

I Remember… Margie… who ran for her life, when the christians fought for her soul…

Sgt. USAF DAV

WP still not happy…

We are going to try an get on laptop computer an see if hubby can find the option to change format back to what I CHOOSE!!!!

If we have time, busy getting all done… Container ordered an will be here the 3rd of June, hotels, rental vehicles, airlines, dogs travel, all set up, health certificate is the last to get on dogs…

Sadly my big monitor is boxed an seeing on a 15 inch screen when you are already struggling to see, this is so not fun an most of all disappointing that word press is agenda orientated and not people….

Hubby is smart, but if you do not play with apps an software, its like looking at greek letters or a puzzle…..hope for time later to work on it, my writing is at a stand still an all I had thought yesterday is gone… Memory damage is that bad an long hand will not happen with my issues…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because christians THINK THEY OWN ALL LIFE AS THEY DESTROY IT!!!!

I Remember Margie an her fight to survive christians!!!

Sgt USAF DAV

Ipad writing, will not last….edited

As I wrote a very long time back, I learn by repetition, and have done so since the last blow to my head in 1971…. that blow took so much…..

With word press changing or enabling an option on my site with out first asking me is indicative of the #METOO Movement as viewed by men in power…. they do what works for their agenda with no regard to those of us with impairments….

I can not use the Ipad to write, my elbow an neuropathy will revolt here very quickly…, plus my vision is so hard with things up close, like print, or computer screens or Ipads or the hated Iphone, which rarely gets used for anything but calls….

So now what do I do??? Quit writing because the programmers of word press did not bother to think of all an instead thought of agenda, progress or people???

Face book already censors my writing, because, wait for it…I got under the skin of right wing religious groups…same peeps who took my life… so with that blocking my writing an word press changing my program without my permission, I mean come on, this isn’t free face book, this is a service I paid for… All of a sudden this just feels like the conveyer belt medicine I experienced yesterday… What a way to silence someone…

If I was paranoid, I could go there, instead, this is about ignorance of the seller an the ignorance of this buyer…

Doubt I will make this mistake again… Well the head hurts trying to see an I have had enough of hunt an peck… No clue how to undo what WP did, I have all the good stuff turned on so spelling, punctuation an all that jazz is auto… now with this issue on the lap too, doubt writing will continue….or often…,

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, no one listened yesterday an neither is this company…

I Remember Margie, and her struggle to be heard…

Sgt USAF DAV

Word PRESS YOU JUST SCREWED MY WORLD!!!!

The last thing I need right now is for my blog to change in any way, shape or form….

I AM GOING BLIND AND YOU PEOPLE CHANGE THE WAY I WRITE MY BLOG WITHOUT ASKING ME??????????????????

How the hell am I suppose to write and see what changes they made to the blog site????

I paid for 2 years and all of a sudden this site just became useless to me, because I CAN NOT SEE!!!!!!

This is as bad as Trump shitting on veterans, Apple lying its ass off about the batteries in 2016 and Face Book saying they give a damn about free speech!!!!

My writing just may have come to an end, if I can’t see what the hell they did to change my site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CANNOT USE THIS FUCKING SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE PISSED OFF USER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is wrong with healt care professionals???

I don’t get it, honestly I don’t… I worked with patients and if I ever treated a patient the way I got treated today, I would have been kicked out of the military so fast, my head would still be spinning…

The attitude of the employees at the Vision facility for eye surgery was beyond anything I have dealt with, except when using a VA facility… you expect rude, vulgar behavior from federal employees, but not civilians…

I tried from the moment I walked in, told them I am moving in 30 days, but because the VA set this appointment up, I had to show up… and from there it went down hill…

It wasn’t about my health care, it was about getting another patient under the knife and making money… not health care… all about money….

I am still so freaked out, over how I was treated, I am still fighting tears… thankfully, I won’t be getting any surgery done here… I wouldn’t be able to restrict activity with our move and that would make me not eligible for surgery anytime soon… but could I get those employees to listen to me or the young female doctor…. NOPE!!!

Regardless, both eyes need surgery and I have known since my 30’s that cataracts were in my future… so though they say you get them because of aging… I also know you get them from being out in the sun unprotected and I escaped the house of horrors, every chance I got…

So back to packing and getting ready to move… we make our flight reservations tonight for the dogs and schedule our seats… and the 30 day countdown begins…

We are tired and ready to finish this adventure and move on to the next…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, like today, you have to hear, to listen…

I Remember… Margie… who listened and learned… that is how she found her past…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Will I Ever Have Peace???

The answer to that question is easy… Yes…

I know from experience and how I trained my edetic memory ability to handle all the ugly of the world and I get the same response from those who have contact with me… 

“They like my positive attitude”… and in a way I see the glass half full, with the opportunity to fill it up more…

It is, like all things in life, not easy to wrap your head around abuse and death like I sustained… and it gives me no solace to think of those girls held captive for years… or the Riverside 12, or the little girl they have not found yet, but who’s neck is likely broken or she died from head trauma…. 

When YOU lived it, you can speculate what they will do and rarely be wrong… and there in is my aha moment on writing the book…  I know how to get into the heads of the players that beat a child to death and proceeded to live their lives as if nothing happened…

“We were told she would not remember anything”… not sure if that is a true memory… still a little chaos, it has not been 2 years since I got my memories back… still much more road to travel to remember it all….

And I dreamed last night… Yesterday showed me I still have a little anger left and I know the psychology part of it, is normal… as I said I will have peace…

One time a few years back I told Peggy I would not be over till both Don and Freda were dead… Don passed in 2006 and got the death he deserved… Freda is still breathing and not talking……………… life will be the judge, and I wait…. they may not tell me when she dies, but I will know…

I don’t believe in man-made gods… I believe in nature and our true form, made from the stars… our energy is what we all carry and give off… I have always felt hers… her hatred has grown, just like with Darth Vader… her hatred has grown… because…

I Remember…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, I tried and Spokane news station had zero interest, not sensational enough….

I Remember Margie, who hated watching TV after the beating at 5…but was intrigued…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Gravity an Fusion, no gods involved…

The sun has rose, like billions of times before, gravity holding it in place an fusion warming our earth an giving us our life blood… no gods involved…just nature at its best…the true god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, why, so you could judge like your man made god???

I Remember Margie…who saw death, and gods non existence…

Sgt USAF DAV

Dog day is mothers day….

This is how I spend holidays, doing what needs to be done, but this time it was different…

Dogs need baths before move an today was perfect overcast kind of day…

What I noticed while doing the dogs, my left knee was bent, it hurt to put it straight an I realized this was a habit from the stroke, so I made myself keep my core tight an legs straight an low an behold, I had less pain…………

Knowing about the injuries would have given me a quality of life we all deserve… Freda thought I deserved a different life an played god….I will never trust anyone who wears the label christian… Never….

By the time we were done doing the dogs, the usual, knife burning pain was not there…just some discomfort, when I forgot to maintain my body correctly…the disconnect between my brain an body is that bad, and what I am fighting to correct 60 years later…. happy mothers day Freda, I am here to tell the true story of Margie…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, I tried and men in power are still calling the shots…

I Remember… Margie, just wants to know WHY???

sgt USAF DAV

Rant over, true story of motherhood for me…

When I found out I was pregnant, after the rape… I knew abortion was not an option… only because I had so much chaos and conflict in what I really believed and what I really thought… So I was resigned to having a child, when one had not been planned…

I never got why I didn’t have the maternal instincts that they write about… I never understood why I had so little patience, or at least what I considered a lack of… I never got why I went out of my way to make sure my kids had all they desired or wanted, if I could afford it… and that included the wayward kids they brought home with them….

It wasn’t until I moved to Arkansas in 2003 and my brain started working in over drive trying to understand the dynamics of the family I was born into… In 2003, was when I truly started waking up…

That was when I told Mike, I may never be able to love him that way he wants, and I didn’t know at that time I had a stroke at 13 years of age and multiple TBI’s and TIA’s…

But my instincts did… I just wasn’t aware, yet… by 2010, I knew I was missing memory and that my parents were the cause of the damage…

It wasn’t until we moved to Hawaii and a doctor finally listened to me and by Dec 26, 2018, I had my proof of a stroke and TIA… my memories were correct and the section of my brain that is damaged…. deals with emotion… and much more…

So when someone calls me a cold bitch, I knew even decades ago, they had no right, nor clue…

My disability has always been invisible… people judge me on my looks and behavior, because they have a desire to dislike or hate me and that is something I have always walked with… Either you will like me and want to know me in a heart beat… right or left… always about choice… or you will envy and hate…

I guess that is why I analyze, tear apart and look at each person as an individual and let themselves set themselves up for failure… I just observe and watch… and yet somehow or some way… I will get blamed for their failure …………………..I give up on the sighs… 

I was born old, because of the damage to my brain from such an early age…. That is why it is so easy for me to walk away from toxic relationships, even if it’s blood… life is too short to put up with any body elses bull shit…

True Story…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, what difference would it have made???

I Remember… Margie, who asked for help and was thrown under the bus by christians…

Sgt. USAF DAV

It Stops Here… no more Abuse!!!

Today, is an interesting day… didn’t realize this day bugged me as much as it does…

At some point in time you either stand up for yourself or you let people continue to walk on you…. I choose to stand up and say no more and I have been doing that for some time now…

You lie to me… the wall goes up…. You ask me for advice and you yell at me… the wall goes up… You disrespect me, when you have no right… the wall goes up…. You treat me like a belonging and not with respect… the wall goes up… You go out of your way to bring up an embarrassing moment, just to make yourself look better… the wall went up… You touched me, when I told you not too…. the wall went up….

For some bizarre reason, people who believe in gods, think that your space is their space and they are so delusional in that thought process, they lose themselves to the devil god they worship… because if it was a real god, we would have no wars, no famine, no disease…

Instead we would be a planet of enlightenment and that will never happen as long as you believe in gods and forget, You have no SAY over ME!!!

I kept my secrets for decades… only one person on this planet knows what I truly think and he does not know all…..my husband…. of 25 years….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because to be heard, someone has to listen and christians do everything but, listen….

I Remember… Margie, whose voice was silenced at one time by christians….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Who’s Fault???

I blame my parents Don & Freda Bagwell for all the damage to my body that happened before I was 18 years old… broken bones, concussions, severe brain injuries, TIA (brain bleeds), internal injuries…. so I thank you with all  my heart Don & Freda for the body that you made and did all you could to destroy and control what you could never have, a soul….

As for my life…. once I stepped out that door at 18… I owned IT!!!! MY LIFE!!!!!! Every choice and decision I made, was instrumental in getting me where I am today!!!!

It is up to me, to heal mentally and own what I can own…

I can not own the blunt force trauma fractures or internal injuries or the brain injuries… those were done by adults to a child…. and they will never own it… because they call themselves christian… off the chart sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do own my existence for the last decades since leaving home… I think that is why some things that happened to me as an adult I can digest so much easier, than what 2 adults and my siblings did to a child and hide behind a man-made god while doing it…. thus, they will forever be on the outside looking in….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell…. who is going to LISTEN???????

I Remember Margie… who knew fear and faced it….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Mothers Day, bah humbug!!!

I knew from an early age, I never wanted to have kids… I knew even as a young person, I didn’t have the patience needed, but I also knew something was wrong with me and since mommy dearest kept her hole shut, I never knew about the stroke, brain injuries or blunt force trauma fractures until I got my memories back Nov 7, 2017…. sigh….

I have a folder, been with me all over the world and in that folder is the few things my kids gave me… there are no cards for birthday or mothers day or christmas or valentines, but there are a couple of sketches my youngest son did… and the same son gave me a couple of pieces of jewelry…

I have been a mother for 45 years this coming September… yet I did not treat my kids the way my parents treated me… yet I still do not seem to deserve recognition for giving birth to children I didn’t plan to have… Nor am I given credit for raising them, paying for everything and being there for them….

Where were they for me???

My mommy dearest got into my kids head… the woman who could have done anything with her life, instead she resorted to lies, manipulation and bullying to get her way through life… seems like so much more work, than working for a good life??? Trump personified…

Nothing I can do about how my sons feel, nor do I care to try… at some point in time, they have to become adults and look at the world without the blinders they have worn most of their lives… I hope their grandmother gives them all they want… I am fresh out of giving…

Though my youngest son sent me flowers in 2016, first time I ever got flowers from my kids… and he used that as a tool to lash out at me… so any future gifts will be returned… no one has a right to lash out at me… NO ONE!!!

As for my grandchildren by blood… I have been yelled at, treated with so much disgust and disrespect… those kids have no clue how closed our relation became because of their behavior… they will learn, maybe… fixing stupid is not all that easy….

What I have enjoyed the most out of being a mother… is my stepdaughter Mystery… she has been a part of my life, since she was 13 years old… wow 25 years…. and she has apologized, loved and respected me… she has grown and become a beautiful young woman, who is now a grandma… and her children have never disrespected me in any way… my biological ones can not say that…

So though some think they have a right to shit on me, because I refuse to enable or condone the vulgar behavior they give me….

I am grateful for the daughter not of my blood and could not be prouder of the woman she has become and continues to grow as a person…..

I can only hope my sons do the same and take the Trump attitude they have towards me and shove it up where the sun does not shine… until they apologize…. we have nothing in common, except blood….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because even my own sons became abusive!!!

I Remember… Margie and when she learned she was pregnant, knew her life would never be the same… a child conceived out of rape, so I let it live and have paid for that choice for 45 years!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Anger and PTSD… they like to dance…edited

Figuring out why I had anger outbursts, helped me to change the brain chemical reaction so that, when the same kind of circumstances presented them self to me, I didn’t go ballistic… also, recognizing I am a human… who needs to eat and food and I are not the best of friends… not because of anything that I did to get rid of food, no, it goes back to the first severe beating when I got all the blunt force trauma and she actually damaged internal organs… thus the autonomic and peripheral neuropathy….5 years old at that moment in time….

I also used too… mind you… used too… beat myself up if I got angry… and when I quit doing that, I worked to figure out the trigger for the anger and confronted the issue and once I resolved it to my liking, the next time a similar situation came around, the reaction was a 360…

Does it always work… Wow, for me, with so many brain injuries and with the memories coming back and remembering when I sustained the injuries… I doubt I will never not go off, only because…. I have multiple brain injuries and they altered who I am and no matter how much I fight against the physical change to my brain… I have to accept, this is who I am now and I can either work to make the out bursts less intrusive into my life or I can give up… and since I have fought for every breath on this planet… eh… giving up, not in the picture… so continue to work at it I will… no other choice… yet I have been doing this since I was 5 years old and the first brutal beating… big time sigh….

I know evolving is happening and find myself enjoying one of my science programs or busy working on something else… I am enjoying, what little I can see… damn cataract and VA!!!

So yep, anger is still there, but directed where it should be… our government and it’s failure to keep its promises… ya figure if they screw the natives and Hawaiians and crap on the Puerto Ricans… and now they shit on veterans… 

Sounds a lot like the Jehovah witness got into our government and we became invisible…at the rate Trump is going… the war he is leading us too, we are not prepared and the death of so many in training is proof of that…

I lived the cold war, I worked the job where the KGB was active and met them personally… I really do not want to go back to those days…. bad enough living with the nightmares of my past… but to know our future could be so jeopardize by one crazy stupid son of a bitch, scares the hell out of me…. and we can thank christians for this mess… when have they ever not caused wars????

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because who would listen???

I Remember… Margie, who had no one to tell…. she was a christian an christians are the ones who hurt her….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

PTSD and the search for sleep….edited

One night it’s good, the next, I am up and down because of repressed memories coming forward… Ya know, I kind of wish it would just all open up at once like Pandora’s box… hope springs eternal…

Best I can figure, a memory is opening up… sigh… so over all this… honest I am… and I get why people go the way of suicide… it’s a lot to take in and digest and wrap your head around… almost all of that I can do… it’s wrapping my head around all the abuse christians inflicted on their own child, just to keep a secret that never was… Honest you can not fix stupid… you just can’t… thus why I want acreage and dig a moat around it… peeps are bat shit crazy… when it comes to reality and religion…

Don’t think I wrote about HGH and what happened when I took it from Sept 2016 to Aug 2017… well my thyroid started reversing course and the dosage of the drug from hell Levothyroxine was being reduced to the point, I was 2 dosages from getting off the drug via the doctor… Instead the over dosing nearly did me under and I quit on my own and that was Jan 16, 2019… and no issues for not taking the drug from hell… see from Aug 2018 to Jan 2019 blog, it was one fun ride of being over medicated…

But…. back to the HGH… it was on sale at Costco and I got enough for a 80 day supply… and I intend to get blood work done before that 80 days is up to see if the thyroid number comes down from the 47 it was at just a couple of weeks ago… if so, then my theory about the amino acid and my brain injuries prove out and it just shows the HGH does work for someone with my situation… Science to back the injections, but none to back the pill form, except for people like me, who do pure experiments… it’s the 4 hours of not eating that gets me… I like to munch sometimes… so time will tell on this experiment…

As for the physical pain, other than the exercises, which make me sore daily… normal pain, nothing I can’t deal with, since I been dealing with it for 60 years anyway….

Sleep interrupted…. yes, but I think productive…

Depression… now that ugly little gremlin has tried to rear its ugly head and it got me for a few minutes and it passed… so I got to say the Levothyroxine has been my depression instigator for the last 27 years….

As for the traumatic brain injuries with depression, I can tell when they happen and it will trigger a little insomnia, which I address with a nice large pipe of pot and crawl back into bed to sleep…. no weepy eye, no emotional outbursts, in fact… I am now ignoring the bangers… but I have more weed to smoke than we can, so…. lol look at it any way you want… we leave in less than 5 weeks, peeps are not bugging me….

I have noticed every day memories popping up from childhood and I can see as the parents manipulated, how the kids capitulated to the corrupt life of christianity… sigh… so sad to see those you love be brain washed by religion… 

Music playing in the background, stuff scattered every place, a mild amount of chaos, but happy chaos… we will be homeless in a few weeks… and on to our next adventure and me… I will be seeking more answers…. Texas is on our trip next year…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because you do not understand the word NO!!!

I Remember… Margie… who loved to play, until she was 13….

Sgt. USAF DAV

the HGH is SeroVital…nothing to back it up, because last I looked no human studies with the pill form… the injections have been around since the 50’s in research an trial in the 60’s…Hollywood has used this for decades to stay young an viral…I use it to see if it helps with the brain injuries… not to stay young…😂😂😂

Have You Noticed???

Being a person with this unique memory, I sit and think of all the women over the decades and I can picture the face and not the name… so, I give…

But… that one little word… Have you noticed how none of the women running for president have the where with all that Hillary Clinton had??? Have you noticed???

Biden is out of touch, because he likes to touch… O’Rourke is too lacking in experience… I could do that on each man, including great great grandpa Bernie Sanders… I mean, for real dude??? (Sanders)…

More and more people are turning their backs on religion and looking to the stars, and the truth of our existence… 

I figure in a 100 years, religion will be a byline in school and life and those that believe will martyr themselves to be heard… which is what they do now, except they destroy other lives in the process… so, what do I know…

As it stands now, I have no one to vote for in the next presidential election and yet I am hoping for change, honesty, integrity and most of all separation of church and state… and those that are mentally delusional with religion be barred from interfering in the lives of the mentally sane…

True Story…

Salem Witch Trials…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because men in power are still protecting men in power, because the majority of the population are women and some of them are just flat out bat shit crazy because of religion!!!

I Remember Margie, who took her soul back from those who THINK they have a say in HER LIFE!!! NOT!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Relief…

I got meds in the mail… So the young lady did an outstanding job, getting set up to do veterans prescriptions through the VA…. This is a new office an I had my doubts, but very happy, I will have meds till I get in with a doctor back home…

One less thing to have to deal with is always welcomed….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, look who is controlling our nation…

I remember Margie and her optimism….

Sgt USAF DAV

Chaos of PTSD, Repressed Memories and the Need to move Forward….

Maybe it is more of a desire to move forward… I have been living in the past my whole life, because I didn’t remember what happened and Freda and Don Bagwell as well as the rest of the family decided to play god, with my life!!!…

I wonder what that feels like to take power over another human being and play god???… Trump does it on a daily basis and so does the Pope and after hearing the Pope protecting the priest by saying you don’t have to report the crimes to the police… He just made those priest gods and they can rape when ever they please and who ever they please… because the god they fabricated will forgive them… Honest you cannot fix stupid… just WOW!!!

For decades it was survival mode and plan out this or that, so that no one else or entity had control or say over MY LIFE!!!! but damn if they didn’t try up until recently…

Humans playing god, causes more chaos and wars and conflicts and hate and malice and greed and envy and how long do you want me to continue this????

I told Mike this morning, when I disconnected myself from Freda, Peggy, Richard, Donna, Tim, Larry and the rest of the Bagwell Cooper clan, a calmness and peace came over my soul…

These humans played god with my life and my life is now my own and they are no longer a part of my life, nor will they ever be, as long as they worship man-made gods and refuse to own what they did….

I also have come to terms with relationships I thought I had and made the choice to disconnect on social media… the only time I heard from them, when they wanted to use my brain… True Story…

Instead of the human gods having a say over my life…

It’s just little ole me and I am very territorial and I won’t tolerate anymore lies, intrusions into my world because you are bat shit crazy or miserable…

Get help and just maybe someday you can come back into my world of reality, when you left your childhood delusions on the sunday school floor…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because men in power made sure you couldn’t hear and you still can’t today… just look at Biden’s ignorance…

I Remember Margie, who once told someone I don’t like hugs and they told me they were giving me one anyway… not my comfort, but their agenda to have control over me… NEVER AGAIN!!! Will a human play god with my body, soul or life!!!! No means No!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

HPP Cliffs…. Hawaii big Island

Our time down at the cliffs Monday, when the buyers were inspecting the house and land they are buying from us…. it was a beautiful day…

Early morning song of the cardinal… We have lots of red cardinals on the island and many other beautiful birds… Saw a hawk yesterday on our road trip…

Back to work, 5 weeks and we head home…. 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because you won’t listen… to be heard, someone has to listen…

I Remember Margie… who was dismissed because of Freda’s lies…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Road Trip

Road work, so I got a quick shot of the Kona coastline…

We get behind this guy an I kid you not, no clue why he drove this way, but, it looked like his speedometer did not work… enjoy Mikes commentary…speed limit 60…okay not funny, but we pulled up next to him at the light an I was watching the video an it struck us funny…so sue me….goofball emoji…

TimesUp #MeTo WhyIDidntTell becuase you refuse to listen…

I Remember Margie, who, like all abused children, never deserved it…no human does…

Sgt USAF DAV

Old Pain is back to Remind Me….

I do not like reading my medical records, especially the military and VA ones, the civilian records I never found negative comments, the military and VA, lots of negative comments… it seems to me, federal employees think, mind you not something they do very well, but federal employees think their opinion as a GS-5-6-7-8-9 has value, especially if they are not a board certified doctor…. so, not a lot of respect for federal employees and I used to be one…. but I never made comments in any records about anyone, unless so directed…. not Military & VA employees, they think, again a dangerous subject, but they think their opinion has value… only value it has for me…

EVIDENCE!!!! and I thank you kindly for it, name and all…. sigh… you can not fix stupid, honest you can’t…

So, why the write up after that rant…. when we got the offer last week, when we had only been on the market 24 hours, I jumped up and down and I am now reminded after several days of pain, NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN!!!!

In my military records it states that I said my back has always hurt (after basic it was real sore) and now that I remember most of my youth, I know why…. Freda…. and that old fashion wooden 1 inch thick yard stick and how she beat the crap out of a 5-year-old…. christians, such nice people…

You could say from the tale bone to my neck was a target by Don & Freda Bagwell, I guess it made them feel powerful and god like as they beat on a child that weighed less than 50 pounds and thin as that yard stick…. I wasn’t denied food, but the injuries to my internal organs were such that certain foods Freda cooked, my body reacted violently too… and to this day, there are a great many breads, fruits and vegetables I can not eat, because of the enzymes in them cause a chemical reaction in certain organs and it has been this way since I was 5 years old, going on 60 years this year…. big time sigh, because I love certain foods and can not eat them…

The pain at the base of my spine is purely from me jumping up and down… impact aerobics is something I knew after my military time, I would never be able to tolerate and now I know why…. double big time sigh….

So maybe not getting Wolf creek property on that winding, bumpy road is a good thing…

Having my memories, makes it easy to understand all the physical issues I have dealt with since I was around 5 years old…. 60 years and it took us moving to Hawaii to finally get answers and now my health care is in the toilet again, because, did blood work, saw doc and no medication has come from the VA and that is not good, the cholesterol drug has brought my numbers into a good range and is keeping me from having another stroke, I am almost out and what I will have to do to get the med is not pleasant and lots of phone calls and you know what, not going to happen…. 1 call and the meds still do not come….. UGH!!!

VA health care is the worse in the nation and people wonder why veterans commit suicide…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because you won’t listen….

I Remember… Margie and her issues with food as a little child after the beatings…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy episode….ongoing…

I wrote a couple of days ago about having an autonomic neuropathy episode… and I think it is still going on…

I have learned with the understanding of psychology and the neurological impact the stroke and TIA (brain bleed) had on my personality and other behavioral patterns… I am learning to recognize the pattern of the connection with the neuropathy and my own behavior and just wow… I mean for real… WOW!!!

The pattern of the head pain, sweating, nausea, pain beyond child-birth, parts of the body not responding and not functioning… it all finally makes sense… not thrilled about it, but at least, now I know when the symptoms start, behavior will follow… 

Now can I change that pattern of response, I already did… when the outburst happened, I backtracked the symptoms and found the cause… 

Knowing the trigger that is going to cause the agitation, gives you power over the brains reaction…. and instead of the neuropathy having control… you get to own it… 

You still have the meltdown symptoms and you are left exhausted as if you did a 20 K marathon… just don’t give in… the depression that comes with the end of the autonomic part is recognizable and I think controllable… or at least I hope so…

Autonomic is more complicated than the medical side sees it and it involves a whole hell of a lot more issues than I found documented… but I got to remember, mine issues are man-made caused…

I was beaten to death by my parents…!!! I will never understand the need to hide behind the label christian… they never own any behavior in their lives… because their man-made god will forgive them… holy crap on a cracker you can’t fix stupid… that is today’s struggle, the depression from the episode that started a few days ago… been happening since I was a little child… jeez, did they ever beat that poor kid…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because you wouldn’t listen…

I Remember… Margie, before the abuse…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam….

The day started out as usual… a banger down Makuu street at 4AM!!! by 4:30AM the rooster decided it needed to let its presence known… top that off, I read the email last night from the title company and showed Mike and we both misunderstood what we read and kind of chewed everyone last night and I had to apologize this morning…

The exhaustion and lack of sleep are taking its toll on these two, what is considered middle age in our 60’s… lol… middle-aged at 60… who would have thought…

When the military in Japan did so many bone scans and they noticed that my bones were modeling between periods of the scans and I think they did one about every 6 months, I just know, it was more than 2 and less than 12… 

Any how, one of the things they noticed was the thickening of my skull, and just a FYI, leave the jokes for kindergarten….

What that meant, which they did not know then… my head had hit the floor from being dumped off the top bunk and hitting my head, not once, but probably more than a dozen times and each time, I got a concussion and it damaged my skull… my age would have been around 6 years old… and the sister that says we are oh so close, was the culprit… she would walk my sleeping body across the bed until I landed on the floor, falling from the top bunk…. sweet huh… that is christians for ya…

So why the write up… this is one of those days where the extra weight of the bone building up on my skull, makes the damage to my neck hurt more and it takes everything I have to be aware of the posture, so that I don’t hurt more…

It is a never ending struggle, to maintain my ability to sit, stand or walk… if you look at me, you wouldn’t know… but, watch me move or do things and you will see my body start to contort as the day goes and the pain will remind me constantly to correct what ever body part, that is not in proper position… from my head to my toes… this is my daily nightmare, so that I stay out of a wheelchair… sigh………………………………………………….

Got most of my exercises in yesterday and was really tired after having the buyers here again and was up and down all night, and not sure why….

I know I dreamed and I know it wasn’t pleasant dreams, but that is all I got… one cranky ass when I got out of bed and hopefully I got rid of that cranky behavior after I apologized to the ones helping us sell our property… so wish my eye was fixed… we mistook documents to mean something else last night, because I struggle to read print right now… so ready for eye surgery!!!! but that will be when we get home, VA dropped the ball again on my health care… nothing new on that front…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because you won’t listen….

I Remember… Margie, who had 20-20 vision until the Japan beating… thanks Freda & Peggy…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Big Brother, you sorry ass MF!!!

My heart is racing with this aha moment and I am furious, beyond anything I have felt in a long time… my big brother… my half-brother from Freda’s 1st marriage… he knew and he didn’t tell me!!!!

Let me give a little back story… in 1967, when my big brother was with us for the summer, I got beaten badly, so bad I died… my heart quit, I had a stroke and probably 1 of many TIA’s (brain bleed’s)… all at the hands of Don & Freda…

Larry was so badly beaten his dad wanted to go after my dad… but Freda, the snake in the grass bitch from hell talked him out of it… he must have still been in love with the viper… so I never saw Larry after 1967, until….

2002, when we were staying in our motor home in Seattle and he came to visit… over 25 years since my near death… 

I wrote about how he got out of his car and ran up to me and hugged me and if you have read the blog, touch is not my favorite thing, doesn’t matter who you are and to me, this man was a total stranger…

Our conversations during his visit gave me a clue and set me off course and when we moved to Arkansas and he came for the family reunion and violated my trust by telling Freda what I had told him….

The son of a bitch knew I had no memory and kept his fucking christian mouth shut!!!!

May the son of a bitch rot in the hell he created by not facing reality of what life really is!!!

Now I get why my skin crawled when he touched me… he is no different from the others that did all they could to steal Margie’s soul….

Aha moments like this can be very unpleasant, but past events after the visit in Seattle, set off alarm bells…

Oh what a tangle web we weave, when first we practice to deceive… Walter Scott

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because you wouldn’t listen…

I Remember… Margie… who learned quickly never to trust anyone in the Bagwell Cooper clan…now add Linnen!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Repressed memories, figuring it out…

Why did it take me 50 years to remember??? According to the science of psychology it can take decades for repressed memories to come forward and some people never remember and go to the grave never knowing why life was and is the way it was… make sense???

I am dreaming, lot more than I was a week ago, I think, and here we go again doing that dangerous activity… but I think, the more physically tired I am, the more my brain relax’s at night, because I am getting into REM sleep, something I don’t do much of, or at least didn’t do, before 2010…

Now why is 2010 important??? That is when I stood in Freda’s kitchen and dropped the bomb…. “I am missing memory”….

I really wish anyone had been in that room, it stank of guilt that much… I still get a quicken heart beat when I picture Freda, with her head down, refusing to make eye contact… because in that moment she knew her little fake world was going to implode if I stuck around… it wasn’t much later she told me to butt out anyway… and I did gladly… but if you read the blog, a few years later it’s “Margaret your brother the one who can not make it on his own merit, can not do the VA stuff for me”… just a FYI, when she got that $87,000 of back pay, I was the last to know and I saw zero of it, but my siblings helped to spend it… you really can not fix stupid and that was my last time helping her with anything…

Normally with this attitude I would lash out be cranky, yada, yada, yada…. maybe the PTSD is losing it’s hold, it is possible, even after living with it for nearly 6 decades… I could be getting the upper hand….

Grey day, wet and they say hurricane season will be just as wet as last year and I am so happy we will be in the high desert in Washington state when it gets ugly here….

No clue what or where we are buying property… The one we wanted fell through and ended up auctioned off, so we are back to square one, which is never fun… so travel trailer and cramped tiny living is our destiny next month… we did that once before with 2 small dogs, 2 very large dogs and 1 medium dog, for 6 months in the dead of winter in a 5th wheel… still think I am sane??? lol midnight walking, bundled up against the cold, so glad we had very little snow that year when we went home for Mikes dad…

I am reminded every minute of every moment, I have to exercise… all these do is keep my core and frame muscles strong, so that I can function without a wheel chair, though none of us can figure out why both knees want to buckle, so back to orthopedic when we get home, that picture from the TV beating shows both my knees badly swollen from that old fashion yard stick made of wood… so if my arms and thighs and torso have problems, so to will the knees… always seeking answers and Freda refuses to talk…

I really have no use for christians…. cowards to the core and bullies… just look at Trump and Rev Graham who thinks gays are the worse, when in reality according to that bible they worship, gay people are made in the image of their god and guess what folks, that means your god is more than likely 100% gay… just saying…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because you won’t listen….

I Remember… Margie… who never spoke of the rapes as a child……..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Flash’s of Memory….

Remember in the good old days of lousy TV reception and your dad would have you stand by the rabbit ears and move them till the picture was just right and once you got the perfect picture, you could sit down and watch what ever was on…

Only one little problem… 9 times out of 10, the minute you let go of those rabbit ears, the picture went to looking like the funny mirrors at carnivals and dad would say try again and this would go on through the whole show and by the end of the show, everyone got to watch but you???

Happened to us when we got to Hawaii… I bought antenna, because we knew satellite would be hooked up in a few days and hubby is standing there playing with the modern form of rabbit ears and the minute he let’s go, there went the picture… I even posted a picture on face book… have to look for that on my iphone…

These moments when memories roll by and usually its just something to do with me and I say that only because this has to do with my damaged body…

I constantly correct my left leg from turning out, tilt the pelvis correctly, hold the core tight and strong, keep the neck back, and most of all try to get the left side to do more without me having to be mindful, and none of this will ever change, it will get worse, if I let it…

Yet I am still getting a flash of me walking like a person who had a stroke and honest gang, my medical records and myself can attest, never had one after 1972, when I left home… that memory, that lost time when I was recovering from the stroke, that time is what is coming back… and if it does, I have a good chance of remembering more about my own death at 13….

The rice is cooking, can smell it in here… the house is turned upside down and the buyers want to come and play with all the toys before the appraisal happens, in other words, instead of doing or having a professional come in and do an inspection, they trust us enough, to waive the formal inspection and just want to explore all the new gadgets we installed, in case they have questions… other than tomorrow, I doubt we will see them again, as we close before them and are getting on a plane a day later…. so I hope they didn’t expect this not to be a packing war zone… just saying….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… because you won’t listen…

I Remember… Margie…  who just wanted to be loved, instead they damaged her brain so that emotion was not a part of her life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Sisters….

I never got it… I never understood why my sister behaved the way she did, until I remembered the beating on Japan and her with that sick grin in the living room in that off base housing at Johnson AFB, Japan…

I had just recovered from the stroke and death or what they call near death, because my brain did not die, but I did… no heartbeat… you isn’t kicking… and those ribs hurt to this day…

I have a friend I met on Japan in 84, lived next door to them… her hubby and my ex were active duty, I was civil service and we hit it off and it happened… that connection that transcends time… 

Her parents, a retired military man would visit on Japan and they adopted me and treated me like a daughter, they came to see me when I moved to Washington… I so miss them both…

But Sis and I have something unique… I don’t believe in psychic ability, I believe in energy, as we are all made up of just that… we are the by-product of a supernova and radiation that hit earth after our forming… science, so much more intriguing than social religion…

I always know when things are bad and when her daughter came to visit, she confirmed my fears… so go home and rescue my little big sis, I must… but our connection is not just emotional, it transcends time… it’s an old friendship that has gone on for many lifetimes… that is the magic of human life… that little bit of mysticism that doesn’t need a god… because we are truly made of star dust!!!

Just 2 humans with a connection…

I do not have that with my birth family, why??? Because I never knew love of any kind in that household…

All I ever knew in the Bagwell home is lies, deceit, hate, bigotry, prejudice, malice, envy, greed, you name it I saw it and the violence, was off the chart and my brain injuries so reflect…

Why do I tell anyone this… It is a reminder, that no matter how much of a silver tongue you may have….

Your actions tell the world what kind of person you are or are not…. and that is a fact…

Rooster woke us up at 4AM… so hate those damn birds…lol… little over 5 weeks and we get on a plane, we set our signing up so that we could leave once we signed over the house, no need for us to be here… so we are ready to leave paradise and go home to peace and quite… contradiction huh….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because men have blocked my voice for decades and some are still in power…

I Remember… Margie and the first Air Force man to rape her at 12 years old!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memories and the book….

So many memories have come back… I still have moments in time, when the time frame of the memory is not in continuity with my thought process… 

Have I remembered anything new, yes and no… sometimes it feels like a new memory and I will have a PTSD nightmare dream and see more of the memory and it starts to link together…

I am itching to put the first draft down, only because the chaos of the brain injuries and repressed memories are settling down to a pattern I can manage….

It is rare that my brain will try to throw me off track anymore, clinging to the hope that the domestic violence never happened and all those brain injuries and stroke were just fantasy… and I have to go back to the MRI done here in Hilo and it says different…

It proved that I suffered a severe brain injury and when I published that MRI, my birth family scampered off into the mouse-hole world they created… and they wonder why the lives they live are so miserable….

I am hoping next summer, we can make that trip to Big Springs, Texas, the place I died… the place that took so much of my life with it, all for a baby not of my dad’s blood… all because a christian woman could not live the christian life, in fact none of them do and that you can take to the bank… Why???

Because you have to truly look in that mirror and judge yourself the way your religion judges everyone else and christians can’t do it… Dorian Gray stares back at them…

Kids want to walk through and inspect the home with us gone, oh joy, have to pack a few things and lock them up… dogs get to go for a ride, they love rides… spoiled monsters too…

People up,  down Makuu and the noise is distracting… I so need that quite and peace to write the story and write until I can no longer type or dictate… those are the days I am looking forward too…

Countdown has started, we know when we are leaving… and the next adventure begins…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because courage comes in many forms…

I Remember… Margie and the first man to molest her…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Reflecting and PTSD is still here… kind of…

43 days and we leave… I knew it would happen fast, nothing in my life has followed the pattern of the average person (is there such a thing?), it has always been this way… that is why I have always known, you don’t have to believe in a fake god to have a good life…

Travel trailer hunting… trying to stay away from the 5th wheel and just get a travel trailer, so lots of internet searching….

Sleep, I am so tired when I hit the bed and so is Mike, at most, it’s get up and pee, because old age has told the bladder this is reality…. I am sleeping through the night and I dreamed last night, so that tells me another memory is working its way out of darkness…

Pain, since we have been busy, I put the exercise at the bottom of the list, but, yesterday we moved the elliptical back into the living room, now I can get lost in watching the christians and Trump destroy our country… I mean come on, it is fascinating to watch what is happening and sometimes the bull shit that comes out of these people’s holes, just mesmerize me… True story…

So I forget I am on the machine and end up doing a good 10 min session before my body tells me it’s done… left side will always be weak, according to the PT people… sigh… and that sensation still freaks me out…

No issues not being on thyroid medication, what the hell did they do before science came up with the drug and in fact before science even came along??? I still think Levothyroxine is a drug designed to control women… It altered my personality so much, even Mike is shocked at the change… though cranky I still get, but the stress level is off the chart for both of us right now…

I am eating okay for me, the autonomic neuropathy flare up a few days ago, tells me, my body is cleansing it’s self and believe me, when this started as a teenager it scared the hell out of me and 5 decades later, I now know why it happens… thanks mommy dearest…

The day has started, our mile walk done, which is a chore, because I am constantly correcting my gate, keeping my left leg turned in, instead of waddle walking… working the core, so that my torso quits caving in, those muscles are responding to the exercises, but my flexibility makes it harder to maintain posture… those PT kids taught me more than any doctor I ever saw for the last 50 years…. that says volumes about doctors and our health care system…

Still not a word about my dental care and we are into 12 months since the request was done for implants… the more I do the exercises for my TMJ and the focus on keeping the muscles relaxed and being aware of when clinching is causing me pain, those I can address… the tooth pain not so much and I would say I am in need of 3 root canals at this time… fortunately my head was my mothers favorite target and I have so much nerve damage in my facial regions, that the tooth pain is the worse, but I know tricks, to back that pain off… so hit the ground running when we get home so I can get in with a dentist who will address my dental care and not leave me laying in the gutter…

Don’t get it… without women Stephen Moore you would not exist and as for the dentist… I see his business getting sued by some patient… I will pass, I am just waiting for the transmesh one I am in to come to a close, what a nightmare!!!

So no real complaints… Farmers market today to finish buying gifts for our grandkids, though some did not put in any request, so surprise on what they get…. big eyed emoji here and tears running down, because I am a stinker on things like this, so gag gift they will get…

First clear beautiful day we have had in a while and the bangers, not so much for such a nice weekend… so will not miss the noise or the roosters….

I have the best hubby ever… he may not fully understand what I am dealing with, but he is learning to become more aware and maybe someday he will make the leap to self-aware… you get to that juncture in life, and you can read the people around you in a heart beat… it’s as if you have the same ability as a dog, they know good from bad… so do those that are self aware, our perspective is unique and my favorite, when I warn and it plays like I said it would… I remind them of the choice they made…

I quit taking the blame for everyone’s choices decades ago… either they come clean and own the lies they spread or they stay on the outside looking into my world… always about choice… always….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because I could not face my attackers again, I live the rapes over daily, life will have to serve justice…

I Remember… Margie… who is still trying to wrap her head around the near death and abuse of her own mother and father…

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Journey Continues…

What will come next, will be another experience to put under my belt…

The day has been long and hot, yet we still accomplished much…

How we wish we could give the kids the house sooner, but, that one little annoying word… but… the dogs…

They started the rabies series today… we didn’t plan to have the house on the market until June, but we got things done sooner than we planned and it sold in 36 hours…

The vet says we should have the results the week we leave, so we are banking on the doc being right and us getting on a plane that week… because I have to make reservations for us and the dogs when we get our closing date, that is the night we leave… 

Are we done yet???

Some stress, but my own making, not taking time to exercise, instead, too busy packing… so I need to make myself a priority, so my body won’t hurt as much…

New lessons, teach the brain, my world and I need to make myself number 1… we will be ready in a couple of weeks and down we will be for the rest of the time, till the guys come out to load our shipping container….

The time will fly by and down time, just means, exploring the island a little more before we leave…..

The family buying the home, this is the very first home they ever owned… and excited they are… we know the home will be filled with love and laughter, they are very nice kids….

The day is over the body tired… I am curious if I will dream or just sleep, so far, it has been sleep and that I will take any night…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because men in power think my space is theirs… No means No!!!

I Remember… Margie… who knew the truth would always get her beaten…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Bagwell bucket of shit, still not landing!!!

My mother has said for as long as I can remember, in fact she made the comment numerous times when we lived in Mena…. about how I can fall into a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose… I like roses, but I am more a magnolia or jasmine kind of girl… just saying…

It has not mattered what happened to me in my life all 64 + years of it… something bad happens, and in the end, I always came out on top… why???

Because I didn’t have to believe in a man-made god, so I could lie, steal, cheat, manipulate or anything else to get what I wanted out of this life…

I worked for it… If I got it great, If I didn’t, I knew I had to accept that another persons decision impacted my choices and I made sure that person or entity never had that kind of power over me again…

So though I may have hiccups in the road of life and that is usually just trying to get the health care I earned as a 100% priority 1 disabled veteran… instead, because I am a woman and went after the VA system, my care is anything but good and in the end… that to will even it’s self out… why???

Becuase federal employees are not that smart and I know how to make the system work for me, when they work against me…it just takes a little more effort and sometimes a little money out of my pocket… VA does not control my health care I have medicare too…

As for the current moment in time… last night we both slept good… knowing that we are in escrow and that in 45 days or less, we will be in LA and headed home….

The couple buying our house, the guy is a tire guy and so is my  hubby because of the family business, so those two hit it off, the wife, she loves to cook, just like me and she couldn’t quit looking at the kitchen and all the fancy stuff I added… this isn’t a house we are selling, this is our home and it is going to a Hawaiian native family and we could not be happier, why??? Because we do love our little bit of paradise, just not the roosters and bangers… 

6 weeks we have to be out, my how the time will fly…. We are so excited to go home and spoil babies and see the kids and friends…

We are not going to make money on this sale, we pulled our money out last year… so, we are selling and breaking even… and that is what I hoped for… no cash out of my pocket…

Mike & I both have long lists of things to get done, mail box’s, calls, and the list goes on… getting ready for this move…

One things is obvious, I still do not handle stress that well, not as bad a reaction as before when on levothyroxine… which if you ask me, that damn drug is like the Stepford wives club… it turns women into something other than what they are… I will never touch that toxic drug again!!! Thousands of complaints on-line about it, and I mean thousands…. Levothyroxine the drug from hell, just to control women!!!!

The day has started, so much to do and then it will come to a halt and we will be bored, but definitely stoned… we have a lot to smoke before we leave, can’t take it with ya… boy do I wish I could!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because rape by men like Trump, never ends!!!

I Remember… Margie… who never knew true fear, just the fight or flight…

Sgt. USAF DAV

House is SOLD!!!

We got a full price offer today, now comes the paper games…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because it takes courage like FORD an HILL!!!

I Remember Margie, guess that Bagwell bucket of shit will never land at my doorstep, mommy dearest….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Speculative Theory on my Dental Health…

I was a thinking, always a dangerous thing to do… But last year in April I got notified of my yearly dental checkup… guess what, I gots nothing, no call, no email, no mail… so naturally that old feeling of paranoia popped up and it happened, 3 memories and it leads to speculation….

When the dentist recommended the implants, the employee was supposed to send the request to Oahu VA and the employee told me she would fax it in… this is May 2018…

Come sometime last fall I think, the blog has a record of it, I had to do an emergency visit to the dentist and I asked the employee and same employee informed they had to mail the request in, now If I remember right that was late fall, so about 5 months after the first request…

Well I had to go back for another adjustment to my partial and brought up the implants and the same employee, well I faxed it in, I will check on it… that was around Feb of this year…

Well hubby had an appointment for his cleaning and he brought up that I actually talked to the VA, because they called me and they had zero paperwork for the dental implants… and same employee… said…. I will fax it again…. this was early April 2019….  still nothing about the implants…

Now if I was paranoid I would say 100% it’s the VA, but this time the evidence leads to an employee in this civilian dental clinic here in Hilo and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why she is trying to get this business sued… fortunately for me, I was a dental tech in the military and I know how to deal with my pain, till I get in with a clinic back home…

Now that I have no paranoia, it is reasonably obvious something shady is going on with this employee….

So do I have any bets that I will get my dental check up before we move back to the mainland this summer???

If you live in the town we are moving too, dinner is on me…. big smiling emoji… imagination so much more fun than digital imagery…..

Other than my eye appointment to see the surgeon, I have no other appointments set up, because we are moving… the dental one, I told hubby what I expected and he did get a kick out of the kid squirming at the dental clinic… so that employee may or may not be stupid, but corrupt, that she has already proven…. and no, without proof, I cannot inform the dentist… hopefully this is just a paper problem, but the trail of mis statements by the same person says other wise… the dentist is a nice guy and they do kids… and we have no complaints about our care… maybe down the road I will get an answer why this employee decided to sabotage my health care… people are weird and after Trump getting elected all bets are off on the sanity of Americans…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because men in power rape with their words, like they did to Ford and Barr is our AG and to much of a coward to endure what a rape victim endured… Men in power protecting men in power… Jesus was a man… enough said….

I Remember Margie, before fake gods were her daily meal…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Sexual Assault is up in the Military… No duh!!!

I served from 1977 to 1983… I was ganged raped by officers at a party after I was slipped a drugged cocktail!!!! Know what the supervisor said when I reported the rape???

“What DID I DO to invite such behavior!!!!”

What did I do, well let me see… I was fully clothed, the single mother of 2 small children, a E3, driving a clunker, living in a dive apartment because that is all I could afford on my military pay…. and I was invited to a party by a patient who happened to be an officer…

According to regulations there is to be no playing with those of lower rank… I was lower rank, so I guess that just made it all the more acceptable to give me a drugged cocktail and take turns raping me…

Just a FYI as far as the Air Force was concerned it was all my fault!!!!

That is what christians have been doing and are still doing and you are sending your children to church to be raped, to the U. S. Government jobs to be raped, I.E. Hill!!!! or Monica!!!  Best yet, you send your kids to serve the country that we live in and they get raped… and all done in the name of christianity and the United States Government…

When does this stop???

When you outlaw religion and EVERYONE LIVES BY THE SAME RULES, NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

No One Is Above the LAW!!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because our government is expert at cover up!!!

I Remember Margie before the corrupt christians and military raped and killed her!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy Ride….

For me, other than all the nerve pain…. it’s the Autonomic neuropathy that gives me more scary moments than the peripheral neuropathy….

This is when I want the specialist working together, Endo, Neuro and Medical… so that when the episodes happen I have an understanding of what is happening to me…

I have never blacked out, fainted, that I know of…. but when these events happen and one did about 48 hours ago, it takes a lot from me… it mimics a seizure, but I have no seizure… it is all the re-wiring my brain did, after the first head injury that was moderate and I have come to know that had to happen before I was 6 years old… and yes I am remembering…

So when this gremlin decides to rear its ugly head, he gets out my favorite buddy the fire dragon and my head will feel like it is going to melt… worse than a hot flash and I had enough years of those…

After that comes the tummy wanting to go visit my mouth and that is never fun tasting…. and usually if it’s a good one, me and the throne are friends and I need stock in Northern Tissue…

With all the stress and unwanted outside stress from a professional, my PTSD and my neuropathy are not all over the map and in fact, they seem to be some what under control….

Will I ever not lose it or not keep it together??? You show me a human that can and I will show you Mr. Spock…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because of how Ford and Hill were treated by men in power, protecting men in power…

I Remember… Margie, before every time she moved her head the world swimmed and her tummy would empty, and one time it was so worth it… I was 6 and it was after the head injury…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Hawaii home for sale…

www.facebook.com/100024148275779/posts/422346631913609

Real estate, I can remember the day when it took hours to get slide shows together, pictures, write ups…

Technology, doubt we can live without it…

This link was the only way I could figure to share what I found….

The property up for sale an we are already showing….

Aloha

Overload and only small meltdown… PTSD is loosing…

Get up this morning and all kinds of paperwork to deal with for selling and printing out the flyers the realtor did… and I am taking my time puttering around, because we only been on MLS less than 12 hours….

No sooner did I think that thought and the realtor asks if we can show the house this morning… big ASS wide-eyed emojis!!!! True Story…

So we have spent the last hour and a half, polishing, shinning, moving, hiding, cleaning and we are so thrilled we can’t quit grinning… this is the way the Las Cruces property went… sold in 1 hour after the realtor put the sign up…

Yesterday the doc wanted to put me on thyroid med and start with the highest dosage… not in my life time… poor lady is fighting stage 4 cancer, simply stated, with my PTSD motor mouth, I would get tested again after our move and seek help if needed, but declined the thyroid medication… I mean come on, I was on the next to the last dosage they give when I quit the drug and put me on the strongest dosage… last fall would be the pre-cursor to the end of my life if I went back on thyroid medication… this is more complicated than the regular MD understands and I intend to seek the proper specialist after we get home… but I do feel fine and the weight is coming back off… big smiling emoji…

Right now, we have no house to buy, if our 2nd choice is not available… so it looks like we will pick up a 5th wheel when we get back, so we have something to live in while we look for our final home… oh yea, tiny living… with dogs…. laughing emoji….

The day is grey and wet, house is closed so the de-humidifier or AC can dry us out… you get tired of feeling like a wet sponge sometimes….

Sleep is good, and no dreaming right now, but I may just be too tired to go there…. we are busy daily and after today’s wake up about our house and the noticeable interest with a showing in an hour… got the feeling I am going to fall into bed tired every night, until we get an accepted offer and we are off the market….

I am excited to go home… we sent the most gorgeous blanket for our new great-grandson who is Japanese, Native & Hawaiian, his momma is a gorgeous petite thing, so her son will be one handsome dude… not that I am prejudice…

img_0563.jpg

Time to relax before the realtor and buyer get here… I do hope we get an offer, so we can stop showing it… but, I am happy with how I handled the stress, I can do better… but I got to quit beating myself up too…. I am trying and that is all that does matter…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because of how Ford and Hill were treated…

I Remember… Margie… who never saw your color, just your light…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD went on vacation….

Long day over and it started with bad news… the property we were trying to buy was to far into foreclosure and goes up for auction in a few days, nothing more we can do, since we are here and the property and court-house are not…

So that pressure is off, we are now in selling mode and maintain the property till we leave…

Got the realtor’s sign today, she has done the listing agreement and the MLS…. I had to download Adobe 19 Elements so I could do what I needed for pictures to get them sent by email… will never understand why I am paying so much for internet and my up load speed is less than 2MB per second!!! Really created a problem with the Jpeg’s!!!! But I got it done with just a minor meltdown…

Now I have several new programs that I have to learn and all of them can be used for writing the book….

As for our next house purchase, the realtor is looking at our 2nd choice for us, so we will see… as for this house… 

Full steam ahead and I think this was a good idea hiring the realtor… I don’t think I have it in me to do the full-blown stuff, even though I am trained and know it, too much has changed and mistakes are costly… so happy camper I am and we will still come out with a few dollars in our pocket… not much, but every little bit helps in our next purchase…

Time for some down time and then I will need to make up some flyers for the box out front and hope this house sells fast… sorry, brain-dead and tired… 

Have a nice evening…. Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell… because I didn’t have the courage Hill & Ford have…

I Remember… Margie… with the sweetest of hearts…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Brain chemical reaction has changed…edited

Okay call me total geek, but, when you live the science, you can’t help but fall in love with the science…

What I used to experience, regardless of the moment in time… be it the birth of my child, or the day I got married or the day I entered the military… the chemical reaction and the emotional reactions were all the same… Fight or Flight….

Not a real healthy way to live… but since mommy dearest never told me about all the brain injuries and stroke and near death, all before I was 15 years old, it now makes sense why my brain was in that mode…

Ya know, you have no idea how good it feels to feel the normal you knew was always there, you just didn’t know how to reach it…

When the shooter in Sutherland Springs, Texas murdered so many people and it got me to thinking of Big Springs, Texas, which was a place I avoided at all cost…

Once I crossed that threshold and took control of my PTSD or at least what I considered control at the time… once that trigger started the story in action… there was no turning back… though many times I wanted too…

Many times I wanted to deny the abuse, the cruelty, the lies, the hate, the malice, the envy, the greed and most of all the mental illness… no matter how I look at this story, it comes back to the choices the principal players took and the lasting damage they left in and on my body…

All to make me believe in a god that they made up…. Socialized religion has destroyed more lives than any war ever… because most of those wars are based on fictional characters and superstition, instead of science and reality….

The Bone Scans, the MRI’s & MRA’s, the Neurology and the Psychology do not lie… 

The only reason I live with constant non-stop pain…

Christians… they thought the evidence would be buried forever in my brain that was damaged…. 

They were so wrong to leave the body of evidence in plain sight…

Me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I didn’t want to experience what Ford and Hill did, the original assaults by men were enough…

I Remember… Margie… who really never forgot…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD still not winning….

Stressful day, phone calls that I don’t like, but I handled it and was happy with my behavior, so modifying is happening….

We got a realtor and I will be involved more than I would like, but I have to look at the finances of this… we have no clue for sure that check is coming from the courts in May… anything and something can always interfere with a court disbursement… and if it does not show up, I have to be able to move us home and I just can not see paying 6% commission in this day and age… that time has come and gone for real estate…. besides, no guarantee they can get me top dollar, regardless the pretty words that flowed…

Reality is, I have to think of us, our finances and my property… it is my money, my property and my decision… every house we put on the market sold within 30 days of hitting the market and my last one, sold in under an hour, and we accepted the offer…

Mike has a degree in architecture, I have practical experience from my government and private sector jobs and for 2 people on disability, we are not doing to bad… so I think I will stick with what I know…

Me…

Mike is working to make outside pretty, the realtor has the pictures the MLS should be active in a few days and if the stars are aligned right… this will sell quickly and we will be home to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary…

So PTSD, I thumb my nose to you… you are losing your hold on me and that is progress….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I didn’t want to be treated the way Hill and Ford were treated… 

I Remember… Margie and knowing if she cried, it gave them power over her little body…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Staging to sell our Hawaiian home in HPP…

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This is what the inside looks like… It is a cute 1024 sq ft home…. and we have had fun upgrading it from builder quality to Maggi quality… or at least what we could afford…

That living room/ kitchen flooring is Pergo waterproof, lifetime warranty and it has actual texture for a man-made material… definitely my favorite flooring out of all the houses we sold in the last 10 years…

According to the appraisal last year and the properties sold around us and the going rates…. we look to see around $259,000 to $264,000 range… or that is my hope… 2 bedroom, 2 bath home… built 2016….

Mike is working on the outside and those pictures will come next… but if you are looking to move to Hawaii, this is the kind of home they are building here….

Hope to have this one on the MLS in a few days… and sold by the end of May… hope springs eternal… and after a day of cleaning, polishing (I hate granite) & (stainless steel)… staging all the rooms so that I don’t have to do that again, big time sigh… my body hurts after all the stuff we did today… tomorrow, outside… oh yea….lol

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell because I would have been treated the same way Ford and Hill were, with vulgarity by men in power protecting said power….

I Remember Margie… who stood up to bullies….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Negative thoughts… working on it…

I remember as a child, after being beaten into submission, which didn’t last long… and oh, how that frustrated Freda… she couldn’t control me and never could… sorry I digress….

But I am still negative… negative about religion, religious, superstitions, mambo jumbo, magic numbers, belief in ghosts or magic crystals… and don’t forget the psychics… who do exactly what I do… Pay Attention… nothing mystical about using the power of observation and extrapolate information…. that is how I survived the house of horrors….

But, negative I still am and I think that is because I still have some anger left…. it hasn’t quite taken that long walk I know it will take… I am still holding onto it… Why??? No clue, but something deep seeded in me, something my gut instincts are telling me, not to let my anger go… because there is a memory that will put the death knell in the coffin of my birth family…. BUT!!!

I am really getting tired of this… I am ready to move on and that is when the PTSD and I get into some real obtuse confrontations….. 

Repressed memories are beyond frustrating, they are life altering…. I know, I have already experienced my near death as if it happened yesterday… I think doing the PT and talking with those kids about my recovery has kept me in that moment, when I died, had a stroke and lost 9 months of my life….

I am hoping, that in buying this property that is remote and private, that I may finally have the time to take my existence and come to terms with all that transpired from the first time Freda hit me as a baby to the last time Don knocked me 10 feet across the room at 17…. 

I want to put those memories to rest and write the story and most of all….

Celebrate my rebirth on Nov 7, 2017 when I got my memories back….

I just want to be me and leave the anger and hate for the people who hurt me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated the way Hill & Ford were treated…

I Remember… Margie… who lived to see another day….

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD, I May Own It… but It is still here…

I know this pattern…. no nightmares, no anger outbursts, no going off rail…

What I have learned about PTSD, you can have it forever, especially if you don’t get help early on… It becomes ingrained into who you are and it becomes more difficult over time to separate if from yourself… It’s like a hand or foot… you don’t want to lose those either, same goes for PTSD that has been with you for decades, like mine…

So I have periods of years or months, where everything is reasonably even keel and the bumps in the road are less bumpy, if you get my meaning….

Do I expect PTSD to rear its ugly head again… Absolutely, only because, I have not remembered everything… it feels like this stage of the journey is exactly what is happening… I am getting memories back… nothing I didn’t already know, just woke up and refreshed…

Now is it because I have accepted the fact that my mom & dad are mentally ill and that mental illness is pervasive in the family and corruption of heart, mind and soul was always about choice… they chose the dark path…

I stayed on the lighted path…. maybe that is why my life is really very good… other than crappy VA health care and I am just one among millions with that message, for all intent and purposes… 

I have my answers… I know why my brain works the way it does, Stroke and brain bleed and multiple TBI’s…. I know why my body hurts… multiple blunt force trauma fractures from my neck to my ankles and lots of internal injuries, which can now be explained…  other than a couple of questions I have about the past… I really do have my answers…

Christians did this to me and I have their god to thank for it…. so since I am created in this god’s image… I guess they were beating the crap out of a god they didn’t want to obey… Makes sense to me… but 

I do have a condition…. I am not afraid of my shadow, christians are… explains Peter Pan doesn’t it??!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated like Hill and Ford were treated…

I Remember… Margie… who does not remember her best friend…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD… maybe after 5 decades I own it???

IQ, self-aware… told for years, talking childhood up till I was 29… it was mostly in my head… lol how right they were, just not in the sense they wanted… Humans who think they have a right to judge another human, when in reality, they can not tolerate what they see in the mirror and we all know that is a fact… 

I trusted me, I fought myself to listen to me… I read all I could about multiple personality and come to find out, that is called dissociative identity disorder… well I knew that was not my problem and bi-polar wasn’t it… and I knew it wasn’t personality disorder…. little did I know that sometime back in 98 during a VA appeal I was diagnosed with PTSD, records state I was told, but Mike will tell you, If I had been, I would have latched on to that in a heart beat… so my word against what a doctor wrote in my records and a husband I have lived with for 25 years… I’ll take Mike’s statement… I was never informed… same as what happened in El Paso on a VA appeal in 2011…. I took the tests, talked with the doc, he mentioned my memory ability and that was all I heard, until I requested a copy of the evaluation….

It really is typical dysfunctional VA health care or the guise of health care… to me, it’s just paying people a pay check so they can treat veterans like numbers… that you can take to the bank… rudest employees on the planet are working at the VA… and that is a FACT!!!

So lately, when things go off track and it bothers me, instead of fixating or fretting or beating it up, I problem solve, handle it calmly, though I do let it be known, not happy about that moment in time and it’s done… over with and usually resolved…i.e. realtor issue… which has a major impact on our future…

I am dreaming, but not nightmares and I have memory recall during waking hours… so what started last year, has transitioned into me owning the PTSD, instead of it being in control…

Having had PTSD since I was a child and no one getting it right until I am in my 40’s is indicative of a broken health care system not only in the VA and Military but civilian as well…  which speaks volumes about America and it’s problems… now in my 60’s and 5 decades of that PTSD owning me, if feels good to take ownership…

The rooster is outside the window crowing and starting to distract my thought process….

Hope to have the house listed next week and sold quickly, so that we may start the process to leave the island….

I look forward to solitude and quiet, and most of all no bangers or roosters….. think my targets for practice will have a clunker with a massive sound system and a big red rooster… paper representation of what annoys me… should be fun to see if I remember what my ex taught me… about shooting…

The day is started the rooster closer to the house… Have a beautiful day and thank you for reading my crazy story… I am still trying to wrap my head around it too…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated the way Hill & Ford were treated…

I Remember… Margie… before the nightmares…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

PTSD lost this round….

Though I was excited to have Hawaii Life do our listing, we had a communication issue and the commission they wanted to charge, was an amount I was not willing to pay… so no drone footage of our little paradise… though tempted to buy one and do my own…

Contacted Help U Sell and will go with them, just means I have to dust off my real estate knowledge hat, make up some flyers, spend a little money on signage, maybe a banner and let the real estate company do the rest… means work for me, but I can afford to do it this way, not the old way of realty ripping off sellers… I have sold 3 homes in the last 10 years, tired of making money for strangers….

So no panic attack when I had to let Hawaii life go… just like Wagstaff telling me, because the VA kept the mesh in you for a year, instead of removing it like the surgeon wanted… I got less money… the system just isn’t geared for the average person…. I really do need to remember to talk to a lawyer about suing the VA about that issue… so much going on and not enough time to get it all done, let alone energy…

Doc wants to see me, blood work was not good for the hypothyroidism… so drugs they will try to push, wait and see is still my option, it has only been 3 1/2 months since I quit levothyroxine…

Gmail has screwed up and all my stuff about blogs was in lala land, now I have a whole bunch to try to catch up on…

Finally have an appointment with an eye surgeon, will they fix anything, sure would be nice… If I could see, I would have noticed one of my email accounts not showing up!!! UGH!!! VA HEALTH CARE SUCKS!!!! and still no word a year later about dental implants!!!

So the PTSD did not make me lose it, I kept it together and problem solved our way out…

Okay the head hurts, the eyes do not want to work and the lap top is a pain to work on… good night, enough frustration for one day… tomorrow, start working on real estate flyers… oh yea….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated the same way Hill and Ford were treated…

I Remember… Margie… before….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Do NO harm to Christians or anyone else!!!

I am not a fan of anyone who has the need for a label… and I have zero respect for the religious… but that is my choice… not hatred, not malice… just the end result of all the damage christians did to my body that I have lived with my whole life…

I voice my thoughts, my opinions and my feelings…. why??? Because I was kept silent by these very people for decades… no more and I will continue to voice my thoughts, my feelings and my opinions… because as a human being I have every right to do just that…

I have no desire to cause anyone physical harm, like they did me… I have no desire to steal from them, like they did me… I have no desire to strike out physically and damage them, like they did me….

Violence never changed anything on this planet, except to make more violence… Violence is the ignorance of all life, because, to have humanity… 

You know it is wrong to hurt another living creature… 

Life is about choice, and I choose to have no love lost for the religious or religion… that is my right as a person as a human being…

Christians were not that kind to me, and my broken body is the evidence of why I have no respect for religion… I don’t need to physically hurt them or go after them… like they did me… 

But I do have a need to raise my voice as a survivor of domestic violence at the hands of christians not only as a child, but as an active duty member of the United States Air Force… the only people on this planet to hurt me…

Christians…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because I would be treated like Ford and Hill….

I Remember… Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI & Short Term Memory… my nemesis!!!

My nemesis in life… my short-term memory… I know I did okay in elementary school, up till 4th grade, that would be about the time mommy dearest went ballistic, because of Peggy and I got beat severely…. as you can see…

cropped-cropped-maggi6yr1-1.jpg

That is not makeup on that child… no that skin tone is purely from bruising… from my head to my toes and Freda the mommy dearest, left no part of my body untouched… She wouldn’t hug me often, so not much touching in that respect… but when it came to discipline… this is what the psychos I call parents did to children… I was about 8 years old when the boob incident happened… just love those ligature marks on my neck….

After this beating I flunked 4th grade, so how I graduated from high school on time is beyond me.. but I don’t remember much of those years anyway… 2 severe head injuries later… I lost 68 thru 72 thanks to daddy dearest….

So short-term memory is an issue and always has been… I have note pads all over my house and desk… I have 3 password books and when it comes to meeting someone and getting to know them…. it seems, I really do have an issue with names and faces……….

The fact that I got a memory back today, the one about the MRE’s…. tells me, this move may be the best thing we could do… put some distance between me and people, so that the quiet and calm, will allow my brain to free up the rest of the memories… so I am very much looking forward to our move…

Now learning how to shoot all over again, not so much… but bear, coyotes, wolves, mountain lions and timber rattlers…. we will have weapons for living on that 20 acres… I intend to explore all those 20 acres…. after I learn how to use a gun again….

Monday the realtor comes for pictures and video and drone video of the property, which will be fun to share with everyone… you can see our little bit of paradise on Hawaii….

We went to the mall in Hilo for the Merrie Monarch craft fair… of course shooting pics to my daughter so she can shop and she scored 2 designer outfits from local designers… tomorrow more shopping and the rest of the weekend getting ready for that hopeful influx of prospective buyers….

Back to work… today was my last PT… I hope I have learned enough…the kids taught me a lot and I do feel better, not younger, but better…

TimesUp #MeToo

WhyIDidntTell… because I would have been treated the same way Hill & Ford were treated… with more violence from the very perpetrators… Graham, Kavanaugh, Trump and Thomas… nothing but bullies… but their god will forgive them… not this survivor!!!

I Remember… Margie, who never understood the inequality among the sex’s… women have been smarter than men since the beginning of time… our time is coming back around…

Sgt. USAF DAV

A Memory…. a moment in time… pre Texas death…

We had just left the house to do our mile walk this morning and as usual, we are talking about our purchase on the mainland and a memory went rolling before my eyes…

The time… Texas 1967, August 3, my birthday…. mom had been at the commissary grocery shopping or something along that line and dad walked in the door and tossed MRE’s at us kids and I asked what it was and Larry comes strolling through the door…. and dad (Don) says your mom is in the hospital and she has had or is having your sister and this is your dinner and Larry goes, good think I had a burger on base… jumbled memory, but its getting clearer…

This was prior to my near death experience when my heart stopped and I had a stroke… because Don & Freda got into a knock down dragged out fight over that very baby, who was not of my dad’s blood and he knew it…

So that neurologist was right… the memories are there… this memory is just before I get beaten so badly, Don is locked up in a military psych ward for about 30 days, didn’t change anything… the man beat me again within a years time because I pissed off Freda and dear sweet sister Peggy… yep we were a close family…

I was the mouse in a den of vipers… it is amazing I survived, went on to have a couple of kids and join the military…

And the living is still as silent as the grave… and they call themselves christians…

Did you hear about the boy scouts??? Enough said… maybe not… Did you hear about the Priest?? or the Nuns or the Baptist or the Mormons or the Muslims in Sri Lanka, need I say more…

Eliminate religion and hold everyone to the same standard… rape under the guise of religion and beating under the guise of religion and most of all the hiding behind said religion, might finally come to a stop… hope springs eternal, but mental illness is more pervasive than you can imagine and they do it all under the guise of religion, faith, beliefs, you name it, they have an excuse….

No means No… Excuses are like assholes, we all have one…

TimesUp #MeToo

WhyIDidntTell, because I would have been treated the same as Hill and Ford…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Remember… Margie, a victim of military cover up  and christian abuse…

Now a living and breathing and most of all talking survivor…..

When does it stop??? When do we hold Christians accountable??? Stop Christians from stealing our innocence….

Biden saying he has said all to Hill is such a load of self-righteous bull shit…

All I keep seeing is the contorted faces of Kavanaugh and Graham and the frightened face of Professor Ford… All I see is the shock and dismay of Miss Hill and the aggressive behavior of the panel that questioned her about the assault by Thomas….

The other thing I see… a little boys face as he looks up to me and tells me he has been sexually assaulted on a federal installation and that the person who did it… his daddy is the highest ranking NCO on the base…

How quick those men at Vance AFB covered up the rape and attempted murder of my children… all the while spouting about how god this and that and the reputation of the base was more important than my children… both under the age of 7 years old!!!!

When does it stop and we hold the corrupt christian faith and it’s followers and perpetrators accountable??? 

When does it stop????

TimesUp #MeToo

WhyIdidntTell, because I would have been treated the same way Ford and Hill were treated… 

I Remember.. Margie…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Recovering from a stroke you didn’t know about…

Though I had many clues over the decades and I did ask mommy dearest repeatedly over the decades and it was only when I confronted mommy in her kitchen in 2010 that I knew something was terribly wrong and had been for ….. DECADES!!!!!

When I told Freda I was missing memory, I was fishing… all I had, my gut instincts, that something between me and my birth family was not what it appeared to be… Trump can poison the most educated mind… so mommy dearest is no different… a con is a con…

Her refusal to tell me what happened to me and the fear she presented me with, which was the only time I saw her express fear… Anger, hatred, malice, jealousy, envy, greed and lust oh and vanity…. those I saw on a regular basis… but fear, nope… when she realized I was aware of my past, she wanted me gone… wrote about it already….

Old pain has reared its ugly head… pain I remember having after the TV beating… Pain I remember having after the Boob beating and pain I remember having after the Texas near death and beating…. wow 60 years of remembered pain, because of christian adults… and the boy scouts raised hell about gays in the organization and it was and is no different than the catholic church or baptist, mormon… aww jeez all of them are corrupt…

The pain is familar and I remember as the body compensated in many ways to deal with the very pain that has come back to haunt me… all because my body is getting in shape and it is now fighting agains the old injuries and damage that has fused… big sigh on that…

I will always have pain, physically… not much I can do about it… and drugs, I’ll pass… good old pot does the job most of the time, though my lungs are ready for a vacation… and when it doesn’t work, I get more active, so that I take my mind off the pain and can fall into bed exhausted, which we are doing…. house goes up for sale next week…

The PT kids have taught me what I am dealing with and as time goes by, I hope to learn more to make my quality of life as good as it can be…

The pain will always be a reminder of what others did to a child’s body… but this child survived… so many do not…

We are done with the interior of the house, couple of things to do outside and realtor will be here next week to list it…

We hope it sells quickly, we are pricing it so that it will… we are ready to go home and be a part of the lives that welcome us home….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who thought pain was just normal every day life… she knows now, how wrong that thought was…

Sgt. USAF DAV

We Don’t Loose them, it’s one more empty space…

Death, never a good subject, never a comfortable subject… a part of life is this necessary evil… death….

Robin’s sudden passing brought to mind her faith in her god… she had a strong conviction for her faith… yet it did not keep her alive, nor did it allow her the option to stick around… death is not secular nor selective, it is death….

Every time I hear on Dr. Oz about how someone saw family, flowers, a glorious environment, I know they are con’s….

I saw death, it is darkness and silence… no sound, no light, no movement, nothing… not even close to what Harry Potter experienced when he saw the professor…

Death is the final chapter in all life….

So when someone I know dies or I lose a beloved pet…. I think of all that I got to share with them and how much we enjoyed life and I have to accept….

One more empty space…..

in the physical plane…

but in my heart and mind they live on and I smile frequently over the life we lived…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who saw death, smiled at it and said, we will meet again… just not at this moment in time….

Sgt. USAF DAV

R.I.P. A.J…….

Another child succumbs to the wounds of domestic violence….

You do not realize how fortunate I have always felt, though I did not understand why, but always felt fortunate I was walking this earth…. now that I know about the stroke for sure and the brain bleed… it wasn’t a miracle, it was my desire to live….

A child or partner dies every few seconds because of domestic violence… many of them get away with the crimes, because so many who keep silent are religious and have their own skeletons in the closet… and bodies….

A. J. is of this earth no more… the darkness I welcomed, envelopes his little body, but his soul soars among the stars from whence he came…. Rest in peace little man… the universe is your play ground now…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the darkness of death…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD… beating the depression….

I would say around 2 or 3 AM the rooster decided we needed to know how proud he was…. after 4 crows, he went back to sleep… but I didn’t…

As I tossed and turned… the bones started to hurt, something I am all to familiar with after the beating at 5 years old with that old fashion wooden ruler… 60 years later, I still live with pain and this day, it is making it’s self well-known to me, as I stretch, flap my arms around like in Ti-chi, flex, anything I can do… to get the pain to back off and I seem to make it worse and I have no one to blame but myself…

When depression ruled my world, which was the last 60 years…. I, like anyone else, succumbed to it and in so doing… let the depression weaken my body and my mind…

As the time has passed since getting my memories back, lets see going on 17 months… the depression has had less of a hold… quitting the levothyroxine was the final hold on my depression….or lets say stopping the drug, took the nail out of my coffin….

Now it’s, I know I need to exercise, that way I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, with my feet curled in, my legs and ankles so tight, I can barely flex them and the pain in my shoulders… hitting the high-end of the chart for pain…. all because the last couple of days I have been too busy to take time to exercise and my body is letting me know…

I ignored my body for decades, because I was so focused on fixing my brain… and I am finding that without a health body… the brain is not a happy camper and the only one to blame…. 

Me…

Motivation has always been something of a conundrum… If it’s something I like doing or know it’s a necessary evil… no problem… but doing exercises so my body will feel better, when I feel like crap…. lets put it this way Maggi & Margie have had some knock down dragged out arguments about getting off the ass and moving it….this morning early wake up of pain, is all the motivation I need… and today, those exercises will get fit into my schedule…..

If I don’t hold myself accountable, how can I expect anyone else to do the same????

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was never good in sports…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Roosters at 3 AM!!!

I am so looking forward to moving any place, where roosters are not out numbering the humans an humans listen to music not BOOM BOOM BOOM out of a $100 junker!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnttell

I Remember Margie…who never liked loud noises….

Sgt USAF DAV

Loosey Goosey….

I can remember doing back bends, since I was little… and I know I was still doing them as an adult, until my arms wouldn’t hold me when I went bent backwards to touch the ground… now that I think of it… that should have been a clue about the neuropathy… I would say I was in my 20’s the last time I did one… so, yep, neuropathy was making it’s self known….

The PT kid thinks it is genetic and it may well be… with my DNA on file and knowing the ancestry, the royal line we belong to had lots of skeletal and muscular issues that were handed down through the family and looks like I got some of it…

Even at 64 years old, I can sit on the floor and cross my legs and my knees be touching the floor flat… yep, that flexible…

That being said, when I said I liked what was going on the elliptical when I pounded, come to find out, my body was all over the place and I was making things worse, not better….

This is my last PT appointment and not enough time to get in for another session…. we will be listing our house in the next couple of weeks and I doubt if we will see much of July on Hawaii….

I have learned a lot from the PT kids… and I understand that I will never not have to exercise…. the disconnect in the brain to the muscles and nerves will be an ongoing exercise of fighting for my mobility…

All because christians beat the crap out of a 5-year-old little girl…. just wow……………

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her enjoyment in life they could not take from her…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Insecurity of the religious….

Aha moments happen at the most unusual moments… but this one, because I know I hurt someones feelings, because the person is thinking of themselves only…

The reason religion is pushed on those of us, who know it’s true identity…. social control… the only reason they push religion… because of their own insecurity with identifying with a god they cannot confirm… faith is after all, just a word… it is meaningless as are most words…

I know when I stood in Freda’s living room and she stated, “I know my god”… and I turned as I hugged dad before I left and said…. “I know mental illness when I see it”….(dad just grinned)….

If gods and faith are so important to those that believe in this… why do they feel the need to kill, rape, manipulate, lie, steal, cheat and destroy to make their point????

These same people who know their god, sure use a lot of science to make money, cure illness, put a roof over their head, food on their table and clothes on their back… not to mention the science that built the horsepower sitting in the driveway….

We are born innocent and atheist… 

It is those that want you to be as insecure as they are that push religion and beliefs in a man-made god… and refuse to leave it outside my world or yours….

Psychology says religion is a delusion… Science proves the myths of the bible daily and Egypt is taking its reputation back from the Jewish people who I guess told fake news about it thousands of years ago…

Jeez… fake news, all the way back to the time of Jewish nomads deciding they wanted land… Much like what happened to the native Americans…  explains why Trump is buddy, buddy… I don’t know enough history or anything else about this dynamic, only what I have read about history and the fact the nomads did exactly what I just stated… Theft in the name of god…. Now I am getting why the Native Americans and Hawaiians are so angry…. Never to old to learn something new….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to visit the road stands when traveling thru reservations… as a child…

Sgt. USAF DAV

How did I not know I had a stroke at 13 years old???

The argument started over nothing… a woman, her hormones and a man, tired from working 2 jobs… not an excuse, just the back story…. both unhappy with the lives they had built… so many mouths to feed, not enough money and a religion that told them how to think, instead of being adult and most of all forgetting the humanity they had been born with….

The fight escalated, all to protect a child not of dad’s DNA… Big brother is badly hurt and sent home to his dad… I, left for dead… loose 9 months of my life… the time mom said to Aline that I would not remember…

but I do…………………………………….

The only reason I am as mobile as I am… I always knew, maybe not the exact reason or the why… but I always knew and from the time I did start making memories after the stroke, I was active, not as active as I could have been, my mind-set was with restrictions and those restrictions would impact 50 years of my life…

I had 2 kids, went into basic training 2 months after the birth of my youngest son…. did 5 1/2 years active duty and worked up till 1998…. so I was productive for 30 years after my stroke… not bad… and I didn’t know I had a stroke…

I have glimpses of a patient, but is it me… that I do not know yet… I too worked with patients… memory has to be verified, so assume, I will not…

That 9 months I lost, when I remembered Freda’s mother dying…. 9 months that are starting to come back…

So though I did not know in my waking mind about the stroke, my brain and Margie did all it could to make sure it was a fun ride for 50 years….

Till….I Remembered…..

this just gets more interesting all the time, at least to me…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidnTell

I Remember… Margie never staying still, even to this day…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Just Want To Be….. Me………

From my first memories till now, people have wanted me to be what they wanted…

You know, Trump wants to think he is a ladies’ man, when in reality, the guy is a total sleaze… and gold diggers are a dime a dozen… but I doubt they started out as gold diggers… but at some point in time, they decided, instead of being themselves… they would make themselves over to please someone else… we all do it to some extent… especially those that believe in a god and when Freda could not mold me into a mini me of her, she chose another target….

From the first brain injury at 5 years old to the last brain injury at 17 years old at the hands of my parents, Don & Freda…. my brain was being beaten into submission, or so they thought… when in reality… it escaped long ago…. oh how I wonder what life would have been, if not for the stroke and brain bleed… how much could I have contributed…. I have saved more than one life in my time… how many more, I will never know… medicine was my choice of study… now I get why It was so difficult…

I just want to be me… I want to live my life…. I am tired of being insulted, yelled at and disrespected by people who have no right, nor will they ever… and every time they do it… we step back a little further… be it because they bully us with their religion or because they think blood is thicker than water… regardless, the behavior is not tolerated by us… and we chose when to open and close the door…

The Cougar Creek property is so appealing to both Mike and I… We have both died… we both know there is nothing after death and all we want, is to live life on our terms and not have to worry about anyone’s feelings but our own… 

I stated many times over the last year, that the actions that people display, play a big part in our choices…. being self-aware is more difficult than you can imagine and the few I know who think they are, have such a long way to go….

We may not succeed in our desires that we have set forth, maybe not to the extent cougar creek will give us… but to make another choice… has to be solely on us….

We respect everyone’s right to believe, or chase what ever dream or god you chose….

You do not, however, have a right to push your beliefs into our lives…. remember, it is a two-way sword you are playing with… stubbornness, can lead to loneliness…. please leave your religion for your world and keep it out of ours… but we know you won’t and that is the cross we have to bear…. because of…..

Your arrogance and ignorance and mental illness….

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I Remember… Margie… who knew the religious were self-righteous, mentally ill, even as they, stole, lied, cheated, raped and murdered….but the man-made god will forgive them… you really can not fix stupid…just look at Trump….who could not remember a thing when questioned, but states repeatedly how smart he is???… OMGoodness…lol

Sgt. USAF DAV

When you wish upon a star….

How many nights have I gotten out of bed and walked to the window and listened to the surf pound upon the distant cliffs and look up and see the twinkling of stars and though the sky was filled with billions, I picked one out and made a wish upon it….

We all have dreams… I, just like anyone else have hopes and dreams and reality decided I needed to be bitch slapped, so once I got over the, you can’t fix stupid in my life…. I still decided to try for those dreams….

Do I live my dream, or do I give someone else there’s??? No one will know and no one will notice if I don’t get my dream… they will only see, they got what they wished for….

Once upon a star….

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I Remember… Margie… who made many wish’s upon many stars….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Growth, just like my Avocado from seed…

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I started this tree in late June 2016 at our new house on Hawaii from a seed out of the avocado we ate for dinner and it was a Haas….

Not even 3 years old and my baby is giving forth, what will be some of the best avocados ever and we won’t be here to eat them…. but, I have tried growing avocado for over 30 years and this time….

I got growth…. this will be another memory of Hawaii that will always make me smile… It usually takes at least 5 years for them to produce, when grown from seed… I think our proximity to the lava flow last summer and how warm our ground area was during the active flow, and all the junk in the air… all the fruit trees we planted that summer are producing… all planted 2016 into 2017…

Nature, the true god…. you know why vaccines work??? Because of the millions of people walking this planet alive, because of those vaccines… where as man made gods… they take life… much like the man made opiod epedimic flooding in through our port of entries and the U. S. Mail…. and we are moving up to the Canadian border where the real bad guys, just walk across… True story… You don’t need Trump to know the truth… you just have to seek it out…

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I Remember… Margie… who loves growing things….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Poland…. nice of you to visit…edited

My sister who’s birth was the cause of why I died in Texas…. well as an adult, she got involved with exchange students… and one of those kids was a young Polish girl and her mom and grandma spent a couple of weeks at my parents home in 2004, if I remember right… anyway I had her address at one time and when we left Arkansas, some of our stuff got misplaced and in that box was my address book with her address…. would be nice to connect with her again…. I imagine she is married with kids by now….

Cloudy sky’s, wet weather… has been the norm since we moved to HPP on Hawaii Island… we must have the perfect spot for rain, sun and just all around comfortable weather…. after last summer’s eruption… we’ll take this in a heart beat….

Reconciling the memory over my knee, I actually got some sleep last night… though I did munch in the middle of the night… ugh!!!

It’s a pattern I am trying to adjust too…. many nights or weeks of dreaming and the aha moment happening and we move on to the next question that my brain wants answered….

It really is hard to make myself accept that there are some things I will never know and have to speculate over….. it is what it is….

Much to do, painting today, once the sun shows it’s head, right now, it is wet and deep in clouds… and chilly at sea level….

The next few weeks will be pins and needles waiting to hear if our offer is accepted by the seller and the bank… it is in pre-forclosure, so both parties have a say, unless things have changed since I did home loans for USDA…. and they always do… change….

Dogs are antsy wanting their morning walk, and the day is waiting and the news is the same…. Trump is an idiot…. that did make me smile…. and the rain starts again…

Have a beautiful day… Aloha ours looks a little more wet than dry….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who is looking forward to the peace and quiet of Cougar creek….

Sgt. USAF DAV

The Parrot Screeches…. edited

The parrot up the street makes its screeching sound… the vehicles are up and down the street, some banging noise so loud you have to turn the TV up and my mind wonders to the property we are putting an offer on…

The realtor started out with, you do know it is remote… and I thought, middle of the pacific is pretty remote, I think we can handle a 2 mile crooked, bumpy, rutted dirt road to get to the last property…. (Toyota 4runner is what I got for our anniversary last year)…

I think of the dark skies we have here on Hawaii and the brilliant stars I can see from my yard…. tonight the moon so bright, you don’t need a light, when you wonder around… and my mind thinks of what the nights will be like at a higher elevation in the forest….

Wolves, coyotes, bears, mountain lions, timber rattlers and a host of other things that are more afraid of me, I hope…. pepper spray will always be handy…. yet I know the sky will be brilliant with twinkling stars and the night filled with owls and rustle of night creatures and sound of water as it runs the creek… yep… one paradise for another… except the new one… 

There will never be a banger…. the car would fall apart on the first rut it hit…. now that would be worth seeing… (a banger, is a person who buys a $100 car and puts a $1,000 sound system in it)… all I hear is boom boom boom, never music… thus… 

BANGER….

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I Remember… Margie… who’s not so big on 4 wheeling… too late now…

Sgt. USAF DAV

But Why Did They Fear Me, After that Last Blow???

So what freaked Freda, when Don hit me upside the head as I was leaving for the bowling alley???

When I said they didn’t know I didn’t remember…. this is what I mean….

Texas near death and stroke beating is what I am talking about and what Freda meant when she told Aline that I wouldn’t remember anything… she didn’t mean my past… she meant that event in Texas only…. I took her statement literally and it was plural… applied to one moment in time….

So if my hypothesis is right…. The family thought I would not remember the beating and death…. but had no clue that in reality….

I lost all my childhood…..

That is what the family didn’t know…. It explains comments made at granny’s funeral… It explains behavior of people over the years…. 

No one knew but me, that I lost all my childhood, because of their domestic violence….

Wow… no other thought… just wow…. and they call themselves christians… just wow… and I hear the news about Trump in the background… you really can not fix stupid….

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I Remember… Margie… I am still discovering her….

Sgt. USAF DAV

They Didn’t Know, I Didn’t Remember??? edited…

As I was leaving for the bowling alley at Naha AFB, Okinawa… Mom and Dad in an argument…

As I walk by, I put my two cents in and the next thing I know, I am picking myself up off the floor 10 feet later….

As I stood up and wiped the blood from my lip… I looked at the man I called Dad and said… “Ever touch me again, you will be dead”… and my mother said…. “Don, you shouldn’t have done that”…. my heart is pounding out of my chest… I just relived that moment in time…. and now know why I have numbness in that part of my face…. sigh……………………………………

When Don showed up at the bowling alley with the suitcase… I am still not 18 years old and in high school… senior year and he’s letting me go back to the states to stay where no clue, live how, no clue….

As I walked up to him… my face a little less pretty, my knees raw meat from the carpet as I was in shorts… I couldn’t help but smile… not because of this next paragraph… but because that is how I reacted to violence….

My dad took it as forgiveness and that all was well between us and took the luggage home… it was his way of buying my keeping my mouth shut… because… either the brain bleed that happened at off base housing on Japan in 68 after the near death or my parents were unaware I had a stroke in 67 when I died??? They did not know I did not remember….

The fear my parents presented me with, in 1971 on Naha AFB in that old base housing hit me this morning like a ton of bricks….

It is another way to look at the story… as Freda, mommy, who is living is not talking and if my suspicion is right… she has frontal dementia and has had it for a long time… we’ll see if I ever hear even about her death…. I may never know that answer…. and it really has no value if I got it…

It’s what I think and what I see that matters and most of all being true to the story… but…. with any brain injury that takes memory from you, you are always second guessing… even if you have high functioning memory like mine….

So this is what has taken from my sleep… that aha moment in time and I got to relive it this morning as if it just happened…. and it helps explain the added injury to my left knee, which Freda beat with a wooden ruler at age 5…. add that slide across that carpet at 17, it has never been the same… the Air Force flight surgeon injected cortisone into it, right after I got out of basic, less than 7 years after the last injury to it, my knee that is….The puzzle for that injury is now complete….

But so many more to go… sigh……………………………………….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her love of the outdoors, because it was her escape… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD is no longer winning…

The day has been stressful… dealing with loans, credit companies, realtors…

Trying to make sure I don’t leave us vulnerable and get us the best deal we can get….

I only lost my temper once in the last 24 hours with someone other than Mike… and it was more rudeness than losing temper… Mike, he got jumped on for about 45 seconds…

The pattern before I got my memories back would have been melt downs, over whelming feeling, unable to do what needs to be done in a timely manner, confusion and then anger over my behavior!!! Not any more…

I may not be getting the sleep I need, but I am not having the nightmares that keep me from that sleep…

So this is all about adjusting to the new normal on the chemical reaction in my brain…. I like it… it is still an adjustment after decades of behavior… but I knew it wouldn’t come down the pike fast and I knew I would hit road blocks and barriers along this journey… Still I like what is happening…

Owning it for me and acknowledging, I have zero control over anyone or anything… except… for myself… and that is enough work….

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I Remember… Margie… and the angry men of Trumps culling…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Living on my terms….

Living with conflict, because you do not know you have multiple brain injuries… is no picnic… and those who are living that know about my injuries… lets just say, they will never cross my threshold… not revenge… not hate… just the final door closing on some of my journey to remember….

Watching the news and hearing about how corrupt Trump and his Christian base are… would have set me off, gagged me to no end, instead, I am just reminded of the life I led up till Nov 7, 2017… based on Christian’s lies… and I let go a very deep sigh, yet my shoulders stay high… no longer defeated by a corrupt people or religion… oh this feels so good!!!…

We have been working the last couple of days to get our ducks in a row… house ready for listing, putting an offer in on a property back home and getting all that is needed in order to full fill these desires… no need to run to mommy and take her money, no need to ask Uncle the millionaire…

No, since Mike got sick in 2002… we have done all this on our disability income and living within our means and most of all buying what we needed, not wanted…. our reward, buying the home of OUR dreams, not anyone else’s….

I think the hardest thing for me in this journey, accepting I live with a “Mental”, “Condition” and when someone takes a swipe at those disabilities I look at them for what they are, bigots… doesn’t matter if you are college educated or illiterate… your ignorance is my defense and it sure makes my life so much easier, why???

Because I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks…

I am living life on my terms….

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I remember… Margie… who always looked at you for your light or darkness…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memory Triggers, You just never know…in memory of Robin Ackley Pruitt

I had gone to bed, spending my day, marveling at the loss of a friend, who remembered me, but I had no memory of her…. and it still impacted me… her sudden death…

Psychology and neurology, you got to give it to the kids that go to school… it is one fascinating subject and when you are the one living the text-book junk… it is like being in the movie “A Wrinkle in Time”…. which was an okay movie… but the concept behind the story was brilliant…

My voice was silenced at one time by christians and men in power… once that voice started squeaking out it’s refusal to be shackled by man any longer… she got a new label… Bitch… and I smile and think of Lindsey Graham and Kavanaugh and their contorted faces of rage of getting caught with their hands up a womans skirt… and I melt back and think of the courage it took for Professor Ford to come forward… she is my kind of hero… not Graham or Kavanaugh or Trump…. they are they takers and destroyers of the world… they sold their humanity to the highest bidder, christianity and it is showing on their faces every day… much like Dorian Grey….

As I drifted off to sleep, I asked my brain, let me dream of Robin… let me see the friendship she valued so much, she accepted me, damaged goods and all…

Instead I got sleep, no dreams that I know of at all… my waking mind and my sleeping mind… denying me my memories….

I once told Mike, I can’t love you the way you love me… I can’t do that with anyone… it’s not in me… that was before I knew of the stroke and it’s location and the damage that sector of the brain can do to a person’s emotional ability…. maybe why I like the character Spock so much or Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang…. but…

I lose out on so much, because I do not have that ability… not that I don’t want it… if it’s not there, it’s not there… just like being born LGBTQ is no different… reality is… what I live… I have no other choice, I wasn’t given one…

We are working furiously to make an offer on a house… we hope to have a contract in place by Friday of next week… so excited…. maybe that is why I slept so good… we made a choice… the conflict is over….

I will miss my friend, even though I do not remember her from my youth… I value the friendship we nurtured over the past few years… I will always be happy I kept that picture from Johnson AFB in base housing as we were going to school with her name written under it… I got to know her twice…. she will be missed… much love on your next journey Robin Ackley Pruitt….

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I Remember… Margie… who loved adventure…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Death walks with all of us… may your soul soar to the stars Robin…

I always wondered why death didn’t scare me and why those who believed in gods, needed that faith… My sister tells me my mother fears death… that is so telling… if you fear death… you know there is no god and you will be remembered for your sins…

When I did the zip line and had no fear… I knew… once I faced my own death experience from when I was 13 years old and faced the cruelty of the humans that did so much to a child… I owned death… not the other way around…

I have always celebrated life… It is so very precious and our time is not a given… nor is tomorrow… that is why I did the zip line with my niece… you only live once…

A friend or I should say a person who reached out to me a few years ago, was with me in high school on Japan… she had much information to give me to fill in my missing memory… and she confirmed what I suspected….

Earlier this morning, that friend died… she is my age… a woman who has a beautiful, massive family and tons of friends… passed away today… and I couldn’t shed any tears…

Why??? 

Because from what she told me, we celebrated life when she was alive and we were young… 

I hope someday, I get those memories back… until I do… I will live with the knowledge that Robin Ackley Pruitt and I celebrated life… her a christian… me an atheist…yet we still called each other friend…

May the stars take her soul and soar…..

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I Remember… Margie… who loved movies and watched them with Robin at Johnson AFB movie theatre, Japan……

Sgt. USAF DAV

23andMe Genetic Testing… so worth it…

Every time I told doctors that the reason my body had the issues it had, was because of domestic violence from childhood and that it is all based on my memories…. they will come out and say… well your condition can be contributed to this illness, yada, yada, yada…. I have been trying to get someone to listen since 2010, when I stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory…

Just got the results in on “Hereditary Amyloidosis TTR related”… causes a build up of a protein in the body and impacts the nerves and heart and couple other things… much like neuropathy… see where I be going….

Every genetic test done and just a FYI for you new bees… the VA did authorize extensive genetic testing last year and between that and the 23andMe DNA testing…. I got nothing…. and that is what I told doctors for the last 45 years… you got it wrong… this illness or condition I was having them address was not from genetic or illness…. it was from something else… and sadly, I didn’t know that until Nov 7, 2017 when I got my memories back…

Oh this is beyond frustrating, okay, maybe not beyond… alright it’s slightly annoying, that the living are sitting on their brains and thumps in their mouths!!! sorry, couldn’t come up with anything funny, tired….

Every day that goes by and I don’t react the way I used too and I am physically able to do more and feel more stable and not so afraid to do things… Every day I don’t take someone’s head off, starting with the ass they use for brains… I am making progress….

No matter how far I dig to find a case study, even remotely close to mine… I come up empty… I really wish an up and coming neurologist or neuro shrink, working on their PhD… would get wind of the story and just imagine how much I can pluck from that text-book of fresh knowledge, who is not ingrained in text book treatments and causes…. Hope springs eternal…

It takes time and it takes quiet for me to sit and search and read papers and get into the schools and other sites I use for research… that is not happening with us pushing to get ready to move…

So, as the wind blows nicely through the house… the sun shines and the parrot up the street screeches as usual… this time next year, we will be moved and hopefully, I am getting some things accomplished with this book…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was healthy until christians god touched her life…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD is evolving….

3 months off the Levothyroxine and I feel like a new person… almost… a few more months of exercising, I might feel almost there… sort of…

Very little sleep and I am trying to figure out what the catalyst is, causing the sleep interruption…

Very cranky today and had to deal with the credit bureau about the service we pay for, never like dealing with those I can not understand on the phone.. so frustration on top of little sleep and I didn’t go ballistic on the supervisor at Experian… so yep, progress….

The dreaming is there and it is vivid and yes I am remembering… most of it is just normal every day stuff that went on as a kid… but it just shows me that the neurologist was right, the memories may be there and I need to ratchet down my expectations and let nature do its thing…

Add stress of the move and getting our ducks in a row… I am surprised how I handle the stress and my response to it…

Lots of pain in the left fore arm, soreness from the muscle coming back to life… I get lots of nerve pain and some areas that had no feeling or strength, they are getting better or are better than what was happening before the physical therapy…

Trying to tolerate a little pounding when on the elliptical… that jarring when I ramp up my speed, lets me know just how thick those ribs are from all the beatings I got as a child… it makes sense what the Air Force flight surgeon said… “it’s like you were a prize-fighter”… that was 1978, I was 24 years old and my rib cage x-rays said my ribs looked like those of a 64-year-old woman… which is what I am now… so you can imagine how much more calcification my ribs have done with aging on top of the injuries from childhood… so, it explains why it is painful to pound that part of my body, but I am doing it and finally too a point, where the pain is subsiding and I can tell the muscle is doing its job…

This is all a slow progress… It takes energy, desire and most of all motivation and that part of my brain when it comes to exercise, goes the other direction…. as long as I wake up sore every day, I am doing what is needed… just wonder if I am going to be sore forever???

As for confusion or speech issues or any cognitive problems… nothing that I haven’t dealt with since the near death in Big Springs, Texas in 1967 and brain bleed on Japan in 68/69….

We have had lots of interest in our house, before its up for sale, so we know, it will go quickly and we will be back on the mainland before we know it…

I see sunshine for the first time in days… time to get chores done and get busy… we did our mile walk late due to rain….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her pucking all over dad and Johnny… after the TV beating… in dad’s fancy Belair… amazing how these memories work… I was 6 yrs old…

Sgt. USAF DAV

When in Doubt??? ASK!!!

We have been speculating based on our own information, credit, yada, yada and past purchases… just about how much we can spend on our final home… well one phone call later and I am happy to know… half a million is not in my future…

But the type of property and the amount we want to spend… we can and that is what we are looking at…

Spent the afternoon, sharing those choices with the kids on face book… since they live in that area…

We have some choices and it will be fun to pick one and make it our final home…

Kind of glad I bought a new car last year… it kept me from being able to go near that half million… that was one scary mortgage payment, but wow… was it one beautiful property in the Methow in Okanogan county… look for it, priced about $483,000 I think… had a big building for entertaining and a beautiful log home… HOA $35 a month… it was sweet, but not for us…

So every day, we get a little more done and hope that everything works out the way we are working towards… something can always go wrong…

For April, this has been comfortable weather for Hawaii and we’ll take it… now if the dogs would quit barking up the street… neighbor had a wild pig on his property the dogs went nuts over the other night… that is one less wild pig for Hawaii… now if they could come up with a way to silence the roosters!!! oh, owner disposed of pig, dogs were just barking…just what hubby told me today….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… the fearless soul…

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD, TBI, Neuropathy and truly giving up on the VA….

So much going on in our world and I watch as the Cathedral of Notre Dame burns to the ground and am reminded… nothing is permanent in this world… here today, gone tomorrow… and that is a true story….

The PTSD, the depression has been so much easier to handle, now that I am not taking Levothyroxine for my thyroid, which other than a few pounds of weight gain, all is well with my under active thyroid… so the depression that really took me down dark paths, was drug induced by man-made pharma…. thank you for selling us out FDA….

Neuropathy, the PT is teaching me a lot and I am trying to absorb as much knowledge as possible… all that head pain I was feeling when the Levothyroxine was poisoning me… was complicated by neuropathy…. there is so much that goes on with my issues, they all point back to neuropathy… so I am learning to recognize the signs and work with my body and not against it… so far it seems to be working….

TBI… oh my, how do I cover every little thing that goes on with this journey…. I lost my memories for over 50 years, it is an adjustment to the reality of what happened, the secrets still being kept by christians and most of all the secrecy of my own government… but that is something I will address upon our return to the mainland and we get moved into our home… So the journey about the memories will be ongoing, the battle with the government… time will tell…

As for the VA…It is the worse government agency I have ever had to deal with… Born into military life because of dad… taking up the helm myself as an adult and carrying that on into federal employment up to 96… VA has been the worse agency I ever had to deal with and they have millions of lives in their greedy corrupt hands… so our next purchase will keep us out of their reach and civilian health care is what I will continue to receive… probably using my medicare, more than my VA… Sometimes paying that 20% difference is just a peace of mind I get, when I don’t have to deal with corrupt federal employees… 

Time is going quickly… Almost all packed, except for what we need to live for the next 3 or 4 months… one more big project to do and it’s just waiting for the time to pass…

2 more PT appointments… and I hope they have taught me enough, so that I can do this on my own… we are looking at buying a home with a pool, so we can continue our activities… size of the house scares me though…. nothing on my eye surgery, so likely, when we get home and hopefully before I have permanent damage…I know nothing of this kind of eye issue, I just don’t like it!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who stayed at the pool in Alabama after the boob incident… anything to keep out of Freda’s reach…

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA’s Incompetent Appeal System and lack of accountability….edited

Oh boy, have I got some horror stories, lets start with the one in El Paso, the VA appeal, 2010 and the doctor I see, and Mike is with me… is for a physical exam, blood work, etc… Well I just had a physical exam and blood work and recommended he look at them, since it was at that facility and not only that, the woman he saw before me… the paper was still on the exam table with her body fluids!!! EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! But this doctor wrote he examined me… so I raised holy hell about that and never got a response or investigation… the dude must have really earned that money for the Mercedes we saw him driving!!!

Another time, I was on the phone with the Arkansas VA and Mike was on the extension and this dude started screaming at me…. and I mean he was screaming to the point he was not coherent…. I requested an investigation and the employee’s name… this was 2004 and I never got an apology or investigation and the employee is still working there according to that state senator’s office I contacted in 2011 when working on my El Paso appeal… and never heard from Arkansas again…an yes the incident was on record…

At the El Paso VA, while waiting to get my travel, the dumb ass federal employee locked herself out of the payroll and couldn’t get entrance and it caused a 2 hour delay in getting travel and she went off on me, all I did was look at her and the guys standing their with me all were shocked at the employee’s behavior… it took El Paso over 6 months before I got an apology…. also the El Paso VA gave out my social security number in 2013, when policy was in place in 2008 forbidding them to do so… I have paid for credit monitoring ever since!!!

Now you can see just by these stories I do have a good memory… so you would think I would remember being told in 99 that I had PTSD!!!!

Well that was an appeal or something going on and just like the evaluation at the El Paso VA…. 

I was never informed of the results of the mental evaluation…. but the records say I was informed… so who do you believe???

The federal employee, who like Trump took and swore an oath….

Or do you believe the person who has nothing to lose…. the patient???

So I was right about my memory and my frustration with the VA system by 98…..

I will never know if what I just wrote is 100% right… all of the stories above, except the Spokane VA evaluation and being informed, per my records and the doctors statement…. Mike knows about… this one in Spokane has us both stumped and that is normal in VA health care… why???

Accountability and thanks to Trump, there is zero accountability for the private health care we now get, but takes over 60 days to get care and if you are stage 4 cancer… that 60 days may be your last…

What Obama fixed, the republicans and christians have undone in 24 months and it is not getting better….

People are now dying… and they wore a uniform to protect your sorry ass…. yep, makes me proud to be a veteran some days…. as I read or hear of another veteran that died, due to lack of care….just wow….

Saw the eye doctor the 13th of Feb and he suggested surgery to give me back vision in my left eye… that was over 60 days ago and not a word from anyone… Not VA, not Tri-West, Not Oahu VA, whom I spoke to via their call to me a couple weeks ago…. yep we are back to where we started thanks to Trump and the republicans and mostly bat shit crazy christians…

You really cannot fix stupid, they just keep doing the same thing over and over and the results never change…. Rich get richer and the middle class cries woes me…. Yep true definition of insanity…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the cruelty of christian parents who would not let the child leave to go to the bathroom, so at 13, she was humiliated in front of the whole congregation… Control is not faith… it is manipulation…. I never forgot that child… she was my friend…as her urine filled the pew….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Trump & Zuckerberg, QUIT LYING!!!

Yesterday, around noon our time, I noticed issues with Face Book and that you couldn’t scroll or see other people’s posts or for that matter, you couldn’t get posts to take and stay on the page…

We just saw on the news about the outage and they are saying it started around midnight east coast time????

BULL SHIT!!!!

One thing about living were I do and having the set up I do… you always catch bastards in power lying their ass off…

Now Trump is tweeting threats that are getting a Senator threats against her life and family!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!?????

This is not America, where a lie is acceptable… this is the land, where you can worship what ever human god you want, you can live by the code of what you think you are, not what you were born as!!!! This is the land, where you can be the poorest person and end up rich beyond your dreams… If you work for it…

Trump and Zuckerberg are christians and have zero clue what Morality, Ethics, Values, Codes and most of OATH’s mean!!!

I want the America that fought to put down a crazed Nazi murderer, who went after those who killed and destroyed life, because we Americans at one time respected life….

If the American people got a DNA test, over half would find they are of African heritage, even though they are white as the moon!!!!

I miss the day, when if you didn’t want to believe in a man-made god and you wanted to live in a world of integrity, ethics, values and morales… you moved to America…

Not anymore!!! My family has been on this soil since the 1500’s… this is not the land our fore fathers fought and died for… it is being over run by lying, theiving christians…. True Story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood why people had to lie…. what are they so afraid of??? oh my bad… their shadow…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Knowing How I Died is NOT Much Help!!! edited

Yada, Yada, Yada about christians form of truth…. You have to become Sherlock Holmes to figure out the smoke and mirror games christians love to play… it’s in their play book… the bible…

I can count the number of phone conversations I had with Peg over the years and the number of times I did the calling and when I quit calling…. people who set out to deceive, rarely look past the blinders they already wear and Freda and Peg did just that, now they got the youngest brat involved… talk about a quorum of witches’…. true story… I can see each one around the cauldron and exactly how they look… got a giggle out of that flash of imagination…

I fought against me for years, until we made that trip home in 96 to see the family…. by 99 I was rated full disabled by the VA temporary and was fighting for my SS… and some time during all that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, we’ll say around 98 and Mike will tell you… I never got told, same thing that happened at El Paso, happened in Spokane and the reason… “VA Appeal’s” and I had to under go extensive psych testing…  I read the diagnosis in my records the other day… They way Rubio wrote it, was like he was talking to me… Not about the PTSD, that I would have remembered!!!

So the trip in 96 did what it needed and started the journey to remembering… by the time we moved to Arkansas to be around while Don was dying from agent orange… I learned more… so from 2003 to 2008…. the family gave me lots of information, just through their actions… people really do not change, just like a leopard can not change its spots, neither can the corrupt of heart, mind and soul…. sold to the highest BS on the planet, god will forgive you???!!! Holy crap on a cracker!!!

Though I am not getting much restful sleep, I am seeing lots of my past… though on occasion I hit that brick wall, where the stroke happened… but more stuff comes forward all the time and the games played or manipulation, become more obvious…

I did right by leaving my family behind… I just should have never let my guard down, it was negative on my children… what the family did to them… I have to own that…

It is right to keep my distance… until they renounce this man-made god, I can never trust them… all I can do is feel sorry for their inability to use the mind they say god gave them instead, they are doing the bidding of this man made manipulator….I guess because IT will forgive them???

So knowing how I died is not much help… but some questions are being answered daily… the dreaming, not a bad thing… it will be a while before I start that first run of the book…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who learned trust is earned, not given….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Restless Leg Syndrome, while AWAKE!!!

I brought up this restless leg syndrome for decades…..

When the military, tried to treat me, they put me on all kinds of drugs that made the restless leg activity go into overdrive… Sleeping aids was the worse… Now, even NSAIDs will trigger the activity….

Restless leg is something I wrote once about… we were going to Tiny’s wedding in the mountains and I stood outside the car pounding my legs up and down, trying to get the restless leg discomfort to quit and granny told me to quit, it was just growing pains… and she and Tiny locked eyes… this was after the TV beating or the Boob incident….

Regardless, it was obvious even at that time, I had suffered some kind of brain injury…..

If the legs had not been a memory from so young… I would have had to say my first serious brain injury was the stroke and near death at 13… but nope…. we are going to have to go back to even earlier….

So first serious brain injury, was well before I turned 9 years old…. you have no idea how heavy my shoulders just became and the deep sigh that escaped my lips… how can anyone do this to a child???

Now that I understand the brain injuries… I get the restless leg issue and why, when the military and VA had me on so many medications, it became a living hell…

The only medication I take now is for my cholesterol and since I had a stroke, it is a drug, I will always have to take… and 600 mg of NSAIDs… when I take the NSAIDS, which lately has been for my mouth pain…. the restless leg will start within an hour… but it doesn’t do it in bed…. I take the med at least 6 hours before bed, because I noticed this pattern and took control….

Restless leg is the most annoying, aggravating condition out there… but at least I know mine is related to a brain injury at a young age… and I have learned how to not aggravate it… smoking a bowl will sometimes calm the nerves enough to relax what ever reaction my body is having at that moment in time, not always… but mostly….

We have had days of thunderstorms and heavy down pours… so loud, it wakes you from a deep sleep… so sleep is not something we are getting much of, because of all the weather… and hurricane season is just around the corner…. oh yea….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and the legs that would not be still…..

Sgt. USAF DAV

Margie left me so many clues…

I wrote about playing in an industrial park that had been torn down and how we walked on top of the cement pylons that were about 12 feet off the ground, probably taller… I was only about 11, when we played at this place in Alabama… the boob incident state…

After Texas and the lost time and not making memories…. the memory of the beating on Japan and the probable brain bleed, only because I remember the symptoms and my training tells me I am right about that moment in time…

I have scattered memories from the stroke in Texas to the blow upside the head on Okinawa… Margie left me clues and she left very good clues at that…

When the neurologist tried to insist that my memories could be false, I had to stop him dead… already been down that path and he knew nothing of the PTSD, Memory ability, High IQ, yada, yada…. it’s the real memories that are the most painful… the false ones, just kind of burn off into smoke, as they had no substance to begin with… why??? because Margie left me clues….

I am so itching to write the story, but thanks to the dreams again, I can’t…. we have already decided to do a road trip next year and hit the places I remember… the house in Texas is still standing… so are a couple other places… everything else is gone because of progress… 

I am using all the clues Margie left me to stitch together the parts of the story I find confusing… it’s a chore, but, once in a while I get a smile out of the memory….

Today the PT nurse said she had a hard time wrapping her head around the abuse I survived… so I did this with of course a big shit eating grin….

“You are welcomed to enter my brain, I am more than ready for a vacation, because if you think it easy to go into the dark place that religious fanatics live, I promise you, it is a fun house from hell… but you are welcomed to take a trip and see how far you get”….

I could write the story as a 3rd person… but I think hearing it from Margie with her words and perspective…  no clue how it will be received… but I got no takers for giving me a vacation…

Margie has let me know she is tired… at some point I will have to release her… she has been a prisoner of this story way to long…

We all deserve freedom and that 5-year-old spirit that was squashed because she told the truth… is starting to taste what freedom really is…

A vacation from this will come… once I tell the whole story… Margie can have a long sleep after that….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood the hate she received… and still does…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Margie is getting sleepy….

Margie walked with the “Fight or Flight” mechanism turned on for 64 years… I turn 65 this year…

The Zip line I did… the lack of fear or apprehension or even exhilaration…. tells me Margie is getting ready to take a long rest… she achieved her goal…

She Remembered…..

Every day is new… the child that had been suppressed is free and no longer a prisoner of the christians god…

The feeling of emotions coming back to life, after being dead for so many decades….

The body responding to the tools provided and getting stronger, but, it will never be like it was before the stroke…

The dreams… are not nightmares… they are just dreams of my childhood… there were some good times, but they were a charade to keep the secrets of domestic violence…. there was love, but not among the adults and children… when I died, it changed everyone’s lives…

The life I was denied, because of a bastard child born to my mother… is no more… the secrets are no more… the abuse is no more…

I find myself focusing on how to tell the story and how social religion destroys lives and takes all and gives nothing in return….

The body is sore, the mind is happy and I find myself more willing to do what is needed for my quality of life…

I am ready to move on….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… to tell the truth, meant a beating or loss of her own children… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

17 months of Remembering and Growing…

Though I had to delete the first couple months of my blog, because of my twisted sister and her lies… sigh… the rest of the blog is here and it will be most interesting to go back and see the progress…

Some of the writing is raw, full of anger and pain… All of the writing is honest… and when I got it wrong I owned it….

At times my writing or at least to me it read like a petulant child ranting and throwing a temper tantrum….

It is frustrating when the people involved are living and refusing to talk, let alone tell the truth…. Holy crap on a cracker that is TRUMP!!! Wow, how funny our lives are more alike than we think…

I left the writing intact so I could see the emotional progress I have made since getting my memories back 17 months ago…. and how much I got wrong or panicked over… and that Zip line comes to mind… how far I have come…

It really was a shock to the brain, to find out I had died, had a stroke and brain bleed… all before the age of 15…. and the people who did it… my own parents and siblings… but to have it confirmed Dec 26, 2018 …. just WOW and I died in 1967…

Will life ever be the same for me, I think for me… keeping the birth family at a distance is the best course…

They were only a part of my life when necessary and that need has been gone for a long time… I doubt I could meet any of them face to face and not throw up… 

The anger, it is there, but just a reminder of what was done to me and the cowards that hide behind a man-made god, gee that is Trump…

If nothing else, waking up from this nightmare allows me, to be me and no more playing nice, just because…

If people want to be a part of my world, they have to respect it… if they can not do that, they will not be invited in… it’s just that simple and it does not matter if you are my son or daughter or grandchild… Disrespect Mike & I and you will be treated accordingly… and mostly you will be surprised at how we do it…

Life is settling down into a routine of tired mornings, but not cranky… Just happy I woke up and Mike and I are enjoying our coffee together one more day…

The adventures to come, sound like fun… the spoiling of great-grandchildren sounds like paradise… as long as we send the noise makers home with them…. true story…

Day of thunder and lightning, started at 1AM… so computer is getting powered down and shut off….

Hope everyone has a nice Thursday… we are just hoping to maintain power….

Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves to giggle…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Trumps god, do as you please, I forgive you???

Even as a child I questioned this god thing… I mean come on… No human has been born on this planet without sperm and egg… Facts are facts and no Alien life form has ever been found or proven on this planet… so socialized religion is nothing more than a con…

But I got this one question….

If you believe in Trumps god and Trump is a proven, liar, con, thief, cheat, rapist… now murder… that one, no one has got him on, but ya never know… but his base, who call themselves religious…. believe in the same god…

So if you believe in Trumps god… you can lie, steal, cheat, rape, murder and all you got to do is ask this god for forgiveness and the world is right again????

Just how delusional do you think people really are???

None of the above is permitted by law… but under religion… you can do all the above and all you got to do… 

Ask this human that was born several thousand years ago for forgiveness and those you raped, lied to, cheated, stole from and murder are just going to roll over and say… Well your god forgave you so should I???

Really??? How Delusional are you????

When does truth, mean facts and actual words of truth… not, say what you want, because your god will forgive you???

Holy Crap on A Cracker You Can Not Fix Stupid….. at least, not in my lifetime…. Fact…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knew the face of evil… it lived in her home for her first 18 years on this planet… Mom & Dad…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Re-writing History… Changing the thought process….

Everybody has a favorite saying, movie, TV show, song, mantra… you name it, we all have one… mine has been for a very long time… “Live for Today”… tomorrow is not promised no matter how much social religion tells you other wise… we get one chance, make the best of it or you will miss out on the best of it… it goes in a flash… Life….

Air Force shrink said I was average intelligence… don’t know how he got that answer, the tests they gave me was the most basic and identical to the one the El Paso VA gave me with different results… “Above Average Intelligence”….text book, doesn’t make it so… what I have done with my life and what I have over come… tells the world just how smart or not so smart I am…

Once I knew I had died and had a stroke and a brain bleed… once I proved these actions happened to a little girl at 13 years old… once that MRI proof was in my hands… doubt did start to melt away… though the other day I had a day with doubt…

I feel sorry for my younger sibling, the one that became a preacher… he thinks he’s bi-polar… when in fact he watched me die… he is 6 years younger than me… he was only 6 1/2 the night I died in front of him and his younger brother and his older sister….. so much damage, because of lies….

I am re-writing the past, as the memories come back… I have hope that all the memories will be there like the neurologist said… Hypnosis, will be an option… but I have heard nothing good about my old VA facility in Spokane… so, private health care as our distance from the VA will be over 60 miles… I have so little faith in mental health…

When I was looking at my VA records I came across a statement about my having been diagnosed with PTSD back in 1999…. and it was confirmed at El Paso VA in 2010…. but it wasn’t until 2017, Nov 7 when I woke up from my nightmare of lost time…. and I still have questions…. and I have no memory of being told I had PTSD back in 1999???

So much to do, before we put the house on the market and we are slowly getting there… sheds full of extra junk that is no help with staging a house… so we are getting down to the bare bones of living…

Excited to go look at properties… we have found so many, it will take us a while to be sure we choose the right one… selected a couple on the east side of Washington… now looking on the west side on the ocean… our last purchase… no more moving… yea…

I can not change what was done to me… but I can grow from what I have learned…. The past is still missing many pieces for me to close that chapter… that road trip to Texas may be more important than I thought…

It is all coming together as we get ready to go home….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to read about greek mythology….

Sgt. USAF DAV

When PTSD comes to Visit….

The “Autonomic meltdown”, that lasted right at 3 weeks, left me drained and depressed… the residual issue with this problem, is the spasm it causes when eating…. it is so painful, you would think you are having a heart attack… but it’s not the heart…

It’s the stomach and esophagus both in spasm as food tries to make it to the stomach… this time around it left me real tired, drained, mentally and physically… funny thing is, I get a warning it’s going to happen… this just lasted longer than usual…

So I am frustrated I am not taking this and owning it… it, this autonomic part of my injuries… has been with me since childhood, before the age of 10… so injuries from the TV interview are likely the starting point, no treatment, the body compensated…

Now I am trying to undo what was done to me… because I didn’t remember… and of course the living are not talking…

The depression, didn’t go long, nor deep… yesterday was frustration and culmination of the autonomic issue….

For every 10 steps backwards…. I take an additional 11 steps forwards…

Progress is being made… I am getting stronger and my balance is better and dizzy lizzy hasn’t been around for a while… and most of all I can tell when I don’t do what I need to maintain my strength and it just hurts more, I push an do more… I really hate exercising… but I am so much enjoying the results… I guess no pain no gain is a true analogy…

Though the depression stepped in the door yesterday, because I did stupid and read my VA medical records…. I remind myself… I got my proof and everything written in my VA records is pure bull shit and what was written in the past has no value, except as evidence of the incompetence and negligence of some federal employees… more Trumps in government than you know… and those bigots are spreading… like a plague…

I slipped and munched last night and made my mouth hurt more, had a miserable night, because my insides are already in revolt and wake up this morning, telling myself what a dumb ass I am being!!!

So that one step forward, get back on track with my diet… get more active and quit sitting on my ass, so to speak… Life has a habit of kicking me in the backside at the most in opportune moments and I got a feeling, that is exactly what is getting ready to happen…

Oh joy….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. who watched adults, “do as I say”, behavior, while they beat their own children to death… while telling them “do not as I do”…

Sgt. USAF DAV 

Ignoring the VA…. moving on…

Okay, enough of this bull shit doubt crap!!!….

You have known your whole adult life you were missing time and you knew something was off with your relationship, when it came to your birth family… in fact, having contact with any of them set off alarms and I didn’t understand why!!!

I have got to quit doubting myself, it defeats all the progress I have made this far… I have had the ones with the licenses, tell me to my face I know what I am talking about!!!!

So why won’t I listen to myself???….

That one last little glimmer of hope that this was all a bad dream and all I had to do was pinch myself and the world would be hunky dory…. 

Well a few bruises later from pinching!!!… I give!!!… I have to catapult to the reality…..

I lived it and my body of proof….

Is my body!!!…. Real sobering thought….

Told hubby how it all made sense… the way my sister kept trying to throw me off track… How my brother reacted when he saw me for the first time since 1967, when he came to see me in 2002…. and why Freda asked the questions she asked or made the comments she made….

The evidence is overwhelmingly against them…. now I get why my hair dresser in Arkansas said no one would believe I was related to the family…. what a sobering realization what the corruption of socialized religion can do to a humans brain… no drugs needed… just a blanket excuse to do as you want, because this man born on earth is a god and died many thousand of years ago and he will protect and forgive you???

Okay melancholy over with… these people are flat-out bat shit crazy!!!….

True story… one I can prove and not one story in the bible can be proven…. think about that for minute….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to live life… but christians had other ideas….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Thank YOU Veterans Administration for the Depression!!!

A long time ago I learned not to look at my Veterans Medical records because I knew that there was lots of ugly comments by doctors, nurses, technicians… you name it… if you want ugly,  get a federal employee in the Veterans Administration, they can do it and will do it and did do it… and in front of witness’s and they are still employed by the VA!!!

I just spent the last half hour looking for the information about the brain things they did for me through the VA and I found more nasty, ugly and disrespectful comments by employees of the VA system…. I seriously want to go lean over my toilet and throw up for the next half hour… that is how ugly federal employees have become!!!

Just reviewing the records I did read… I have the federal government in their own words committed negligence and mal practice…. and my day will be impacted with that negligence and mal practice…. and most of all my brain will take a short nose dive into hell because of federal employees!!!

And people wonder why veterans are homeless and take their lives….

Now Trump and his psychopathic religious base want to turn our nation into this same kind of bigotry….

I am grandfathered in, they can not touch me…. but I sure the hell will be watching the show from the sidelines…

Our next home purchase, keeps me out of the VA system and in private health care… at least this way I have a fighting chance to see my great grand kids grow up….

Stick with the VA and I may as well go pay for my funeral now!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and how she tried to forget!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA Medical Records Incomplete!!!

One thing about this memory ability, once I remember something I try to back it up with facts….

That Abby OCR program I bought has the ability to scan all the documents for specific words or phrases… 

I just spent the last 15 minutes trying to find the CT scan they did at the Oregon VA and got nothing… so what am I putting wrong in the OCR for searching???

Mike remembers the road trip, we had that fancy car that got stolen from us In Okanogan, WA…. I remember the doctor telling me they found nothing on the CT scan and I do a 180 degree turn around…. 

Doesn’t strokes and brain bleeds show up on CT??? According to the science I read they do, but…. that one little ugly word… was that the ability in 2000??? of CT I mean….

Again I have more questions than answers… do I think the stroke could have happened since 2000… that answer is easy…. NO!!!

I have known for decades I was missing memory or time, now I could be way wrong on this… I had surgery in 2011 at El Paso VA and came out of recovery with purple fingers??? and was not told anything after surgery that there had been complications??? and I remember the nurses, two males, arguing before the put me under and I wondered if I was going to wake up when they were done with me??? The VA wouldn’t cover up a brain bleed and stroke on the operating table  now would they???

So getting my hands on that CT from the Oregon VA that was done with contrast, might be a very important piece of paper…. if it was capable and they scanned the brain in the right area…. we may have our evidence that the stroke happened after 2000 and under the VA’s care… and frankly I seriously doubt it… 

I think the scan was not in the same area of the brain that the stroke and bleed was found by the MRI in Dec of 2018….

More detective work to do…

Don’t forget… I stood in my mother’s kitchen that I help to pay for and told her in 2010 I was missing memory…. I didn’t have leg surgery until Nov 2011… so you see, I doubt that the CT was done in the area that the MRI found damage… but I need to rule out all possibilities, so that the story is told accurately…. can’t have any doubt floating around out there… the culprits that committed these crimes need to be held accountable….

So my wishful thinking that I was ready to do the first run of the book, just went down the drain… this issue needs to be clarified…. oh yea… so authorization will be sent to Oregon VA to see if they have a copy of that CT scan done of my brain in 1999 or 2000….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember Margie… with the bubbly sense of humor….

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Face Book Censorship…. You Just Can Not Fix the Stupid of the Rich….edited FINAL…

I posted a couple of hours ago the family freak show and I checked face book and the blog is not showing up in anyone’s feed, except the Ann Spite feed and it does not show it shared on face book, which tells me, that yep I can see it on face book, but no one else can…

I mean for real, when does the morons who cheat other morons, become rich and all of a sudden they get a taste of power and greed and censorship….

So my experiment did work… 

Face Book is censoring my little old blog… Gee… I got the giggles on that… 

My little bit of writing has them that scared???? or is it just bigotry at its best because I am an Atheist???

Ya never know… but until the icon on my WP blog shows FB shared… it is being blocked by FB and no one on face book can see it and Mark Zuckerberg just became another Nazi…. or Russian or N. Korean or Iran, I mean come on… they silence Americans… who is next???

Still think your little world is what it seems… keep going back to that Men In Black statement about humans being dumb and blindly going about life… that my friends you can thank socialized religion for that brain washing… sounds a lot like the movie….

Wall-E…..

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who could spot bigots like Zuckerberg and Trump miles away… they are so much like used car sales men…. ewwwww….

Sgt. USAF DAV  bring it Zuckerberg!!!

two hours after I wrote the freak show, it posted to face book’, an we have reliable internet, so you got me on what is happening, but things are not working in real time… something has it on delay….or someone…

yet it still is not showing in anyones feed… FB is or someone is blocking my blog from showing in my FB feed… two posts from the blog an nada on fb.????

hubby says it finally showed in his feed, but not mine… same kind of weird stuff I saw during the election… don’t these people have lives???

6:02 pm our time and still my blog is not showing up in two different places… I know they didn’t like something I wrote a while back, because I was attacked for it… Maybe whoever is playing with my posts… maybe they will learn something.. doubtful… but hope springs eternal…. night all I have had my fill today with the internet…

When you are the Family Freak Show….edited

They all knew and none of them said anything… Was granny getting money monthly from dad??? Loyalty to an older brother by the siblings??? Cousins who know more than I do about my own family???

Yep we were the family freak show and because they are so bored… We still are…. You really can not fix stupid and I give up trying… UNCLE!!!

When a cousin asked me last year about my sister and her growth, I knew my memory of our family being the topic of conversation among the rest of the family was correct…. play like you are sleeping and adults will run their mouths…. and they did, those memories are slowly coming back….

I made the statement after the beating over sisters boobs…. that my legs hurt as we were getting in the car after Tiny’s wedding ceremony and granny said it was growing pains… but she knew the truth and lied… so many of them did… so many took thousands from me… I don’t play these kind of games…. The door was closed last year…

Next week a full 3 months since I quit Levothyroxine… best decision I ever made… though the weight will be tricky now and harder to get off, but exercise I am, more for mobility and strength than skinny body…

I find myself not thinking about the past as much and that I am putting it aside to an extent, until we are moved and I have that quiet place I can go, so when I meditate, I get the information down while it’s fresh and clear… this is not as easy as I make it sound… When a memory comes forward I have to tear it apart and make sure it is a real memory and accurate or I disregard it in the hopes that maybe someday something will connect it to a memory that makes sense…

I can not do the “Imagined wronged Scenario”…. I have to know I am right and accurate…. the dreaming is happening again, but can not tell you what… I do know my siblings are involved, so maybe progress… maybe just stress, because of the move and every day we are doing something in preparation of putting the house on the market… busy, busy, busy and then it will be pure boredom until we load the container…. feast or famine is the way life is and should be… keeps it exciting…

Anger, it is there… deep inside, it is there… though it has evolved, it doesn’t need to rear its ugly head anymore to get attention to what happened and what was lied about and what was covered up… those subjects no longer have value… If I wanted the story in your face, I know how to get it out there… and I am not sure what direction I will go as of now…

I find it odd, the chaos… I want to go someplace in my brain… I do not have to fight the maze of chaos anymore… I just focus and poof the thought is there with the information I need… a calmness in the brain I haven’t felt since before Texas and my near death…. over 50 years of chaos gone…at least for now….

I keep going back to this… Freda & Peggy & Larry are alive and none of them are talking… christians… they hide behind fear because to face the truth of their part in this journey, means they have to face what they did… and I have seen first hand how life treats people like this… that is what they should really be scared of and not me…

Life gets even… I just sit back and watch… it was cruel to Don at the end of his life, I got to see that first hand and they are the ones that caused that cruelty… The stories will get to me, they always do, they will give me no pleasure, because their is nothing after life and they wasted so much of it hiding from it…life that is….

True story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who opened her eyes in the face of death and saw a dark empty void…. no god, no angels, no flowers… just darkness…. True Story….

Sgt. USAF DAV

So, I know how I died… now what???

Nov 5, 2017 will be a day I will  never forget, nor will the families of those murdered on that day in Sutherland Springs, Texas… I owe them my life, because they lost theirs…

I  had faint hints over the years that something was off in my family… for the longest time I thought it was because my biological dad was anybody but who is on my birth certificate… DNA test says I am his… 

I had uneasy feelings, when around my mother and father and my siblings seemed as if they were playing a part and no longer the kids I grew up with… brain washing, done in so many homes….

Comments made over the decades, attempts to be a part of their lives and always being shut out by 2 women in the family…

Over time the realization I was dealing with mentally ill people made the situation more difficult to over come and I had to let them set themselves up, only because liars do not remember the lies…. but I did… and when I brought those lies up, they had no clue what I was talking about… I really got to give it to that shrink in El Paso, he made me believe in this Edetic memory stuff… and I grin and more of those lies flood my memory….

Knowing that it was delusional people I had to deal with, just made my task a lot more like a Nancy Drew mystery novel… maybe that is the way to approach the writing, but if I did that, I would have to leave the real ugly stuff out… PG rating my book will not have…

I set the traps and let them, trip them… I let their own actions and words speak for themselves… all the time staying true to me, my morales, values and ethics…

So much has passed since Nov 7, 2017 when I told Mike the story of Big Springs, Texas…

So many lives that have been touched by mine, leaving their burn marks upon my skin as they took without giving…

We have a new great grand baby due any day and we just heard she is pregnant… So much imagined wrongs, because truth was spoken and not wrapped in bubble wrap… a child that will come into this world and likely never know who I am and that is the mothers right… I feel no pain, just sadness the child will miss out on so much, because of imagined wrongs… real big sigh on that one…

I am tired… I have no desire to go out of my way anymore… I did that for the first 63 years of my life… It is truly time to think of me and the very few that have been there… I got a kick out of our guest, of course my brains were needed… the mess is a hole that could cost them everything… I had to be brutal and honest… and these words are true…

Everyone uses me… but…. It is up to me to let them use me….. that 20 acres that is so isolated… sounds very appealing to me… but so does the house on the river with the pool…

It is up to me, how much I let anybody into my world… they may not know I keep score…

But, I do…. and right now… that score is in no ones favor except hubby…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who has a fascination with craftsman style homes… the same kind she died in…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic meltdown 3 weeks and finally over???

The symptoms started about 8 days before our company came…

Got a headache on the left frontal parietal lobe area… basically the opposite side of the brain where the stroke and brain bleed is… I should say old stroke and brain bleed…

As the headache started that is when I notice how the arteries in my neck hurt, got a feeling I need to see a vascular doctor when we get moved…  my primary vessel to my heart has been partially occluded since my military days, over 40 years…

So I have headache, I get neck pain in the veins and I start feeling upset stomach and gurgling insides….. and the worse symptom, the heat flush that my head does… not like a hot flash either, this is different…

When we took our guest back to the airport, I was about 15 days into this autonomic episode and she got to witness the impact it had on my lungs… breathing was not easy when half your lungs are paralyzed… it’s happened before while I was swallowing and the food was lodged, so no air, thankfully the spasm passed that day quickly… but not this time… this time, the swallowing episode happened during sleep and I woke up, because I had no air, the congestion I live with was sitting in the tube and no air could get through and I couldn’t swallow, freaked me a little… so out of bed in a flash with a push against the counter to trigger reflux and it dislodged… again, I got lucky…

So I have waited to see if the throne and I get friendly and when that happened… the last of the esophagus spasms stopped and headache gone, tummy upset gone… just a huge amount of fatigue…

This ride lasted right at 3 weeks… the longest this has ever gone on… 

Trying to figure out the triggers, so you avoid the activity or emotional stimuli is damn near impossible… once in a while you get that aha moment that tells you this is what triggered the Autonomic episode… this time not so easy….

It has been 3 months since I quit taking Levothyroxine… other than a little tired, which is related to my stroke and not thyroid… I haven’t gone off on anyone and I haven’t yelled at a banger in a month now… doesn’t mean I like them… I just bitch inside my 4 walls… 

The PT has made a big difference in my mobility and ability to stay mobile… the exercises all hurt and I dislike them all… but… I like being able to do some of what I used to do with confidence… they tell me, I will always have weakness and permanent nerve damage from the stroke and brain bleed and those things are not reversible… and we all find it remarkable I made it through basic training 2 months after giving birth and exactly 10 years after the stroke… maybe I do need that superwoman tatoo…. as long as no needles involved….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never gave up her soul to mans god…

Sgt. USAF DAV

TBI… Avoiding the Head Fake….

Head Fake is a term Dr. Oz used on one of his shows… and he uses it selectively and yep he’s a christian… so not as open-minded as the human that does not dummy down their brain with religion… because when you dummy down with religion or belief in gods… you just did the “Head Fake”, on yourself… kind of hard to climb out of fantasy when you buy into the head fake of religion or psychology for that matter…. you do know that the father of psychology… dear ole Dr. Freud… he was a cocaine addict… so the man who we base our science of psychology on, was a drug addict… that’s like saying Jesus is a god… both men born on this planet… both men had a mommy and daddy… so people buy into the head fake these two men put out there… I call it a “Con”… some call it the “Silver Tongue effect”…. some like me just call it like it is….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to be fixed…. and like the Men in Black character that said humans were happy, because they chose fantasy over reality and it just made the scary reality a little easier to handle… not those exact words, but that was the meaning of the statement….

For me… the head fake is what most con’s pull on other people… I grew up in a household of head fakes… they are still living it… I got lucky in one respect… they murdered me and when I woke up… the head fake was seen for what it was…

A con so they could commit atrocities against themselves and their children…. and it still is happening today across America… by white, black, brown & yellow skin and all beliefs… and Trump is the ring leader…. gee that does sound like Hitler and Nazism….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who saw what came of death… “Darkness & Silence”….

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I figured out how I died… pg 2

From an out-of-body perspective is the way I am going to try to tell this… so how did I know when Freda’s mother died something was wrong???

Chaos… not just a little, but lots and so much so, when I awoke from the waking coma and okay what does that mean… “waking coma???”….

It means that from the moment I died, I quit making memories… I remember before the beating and subsequent death and the violence and screaming of the little kids… but… when I died… I quit making memories and for about 9 months it is one big black hole and with memory ability like mine, it is worse than losing a limb… because you know you lost the limb… I didn’t know I had lost time….

When the first memory was of Freda crying over the death of her mother, that took me out of my cocoon of safety and brought me into the present and made me acutely aware, things were not right and I instantly went into the comic book world of tingling senses and watching what I said and what happened when I said it… and most of all I watched and I listened and I learn to play the part they expected… all the while making notes along the way, in the hope that someday all the memories I had filed for safe keeping would finally make sense….

Once I caught Freda and Peggy in lies… it was just a matter of time getting the physical proof that my body had hidden away, and my not remembering….

When the MRI on Dec 26, 2018 came back with an old stroke and brain bleed…. I made sure I put it on twitter and face book and this blog and beg for the proof my sister said she suffered…. knowing full well that mentally she had taken my injuries and transferred all onto herself, so that everyone would think she was the one that suffered… as for my other siblings… brain washing goes on every day and gods and Trump are no different… I hope they get help…

I was tested… extensively…. final… PTSD due to my illness… my illness a broken body by domestic violence… the shrink at El Paso VA got it 100% right… his final comment… “Above average intelligence”… the final nail in Fredas lies about my mental ability…

It is frustrating to know that Freda and Peggy are living and refusing to talk and when they did talk, it was one lie after another… that shrink at El Paso said I had Eidetic memory ability… some days I agree with him other days I want to beat my head on the wall, because I can’t remember something… If I have it, it works in weird ways…

Mike was just in the room, making all kinds of noise, putting in a ceiling fan… yet I managed to type most of this with that noise… that speaks volumes for what really distracts or annoys me… “Other people”!!! lol

When I stood watching Freda cry in Don’s arms, the only time I ever saw any true genuine love and gentleness in that family… I knew and just didn’t know what I knew… Not yet 14… but knew enough about the military, that for them to ship us off to Japan after only being at Webb less than a year… something bad happened… but I could not figure out what…

I would look at myself in the mirror and see bruises all over my body, those bruises lasted months…how did I get them, when did I get them and who gave them to me…

Over the next 5 decades Freda would drop hints and clues to see If I remembered my childhood and she made sure to correct my siblings when their story did not agree with hers… brainwashing so easy for simple minds… I watched and declined to join conversation… by the time I was 18… leaving home was my only goal…. 

1972 set me on a journey to discover what happened to those 9 months I lost and why I had no memory of my childhood, or my older brother or my younger siblings….

I never talked about it, until I married Mike 25 years ago… that was when I wanted to know… what happened to Margie… who murdered her and why???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who had huge gray eyes that turned green…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

My Limp is Gone….

I remember in high school on the balance beam and the issue with maintaining balance, when balance had never been an issue before….

The way I get how strokes work and how if you do not get proper care, body parts start to withdraw and malfunction and they do it over time… which is exactly what mine did… but you add in all the blunt force trauma fractures to the other body parts… I was screwed from the get go and still made it through basic training… 

In the military, they shot my knee full of cortisone, because no one could explain why I was limping and of course we had backward science in that day… even today the ortho got it wrong when he saw me here, last year… but knowing about the physical damage, makes every little ache tangible… lots of aha moments on… “OH! now I know why that has hurt for so long”!!! UGH!!!!!

As my left leg turns in and the band the PT tech is working on becomes stronger, it lets me know what body parts I compensated for, because the body is starting to work correctly after 50 years of compensating for the stroke…

None and I mean none of this is pain-free… I get shooting lines of nerve pain and I can tell it’s nerves reconnecting with muscle, because muscle is very slowly starting to respond to instant action, instead of me having to focus on the action…

Not all of my ability is coming back… there is much I can’t do and some that is progressively slipping away… very fine motor skills take focus, every day tasks, remind me of my progress….

What is very obvious… as long as I do the work outs and keep at it… the pain is a little less intrusive… still there, but not in my face, curl up in a ball type scenario…. it also makes me acutely aware of my weight and the need to keep it below a certain threshold, because of the Autonomic portion of neuropathy I live with from domestic violence….

My balance, that is still a work in progress… sometimes my neck is just going to make my world spin, no matter what I do… that does seem to happen less often….

So everything I have read about neuropathy and blunt force trauma…. I am doing all the right things to improve my quality of life… it is after all up to me… if I don’t do the work… my birth family wins and I die young… I kind of hope I am the last one standing… to me, that would be sweet justice… 

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her love of playing outdoors…

Sgt. USAF DAV

How I Figured out my Own Murder….

I awoke to a scene… “Freda is crying, her mother has just died and at first she didn’t want to go to the funeral, but with all that had gone on in the last 9 months, she wanted an escape away from the reminder… they killed the 13-year-old child that stood before her covered in bruises and that day in June 1968, is when Margie woke up from her waking coma… she had died that hot night in Big Springs, Texas… not long after the birth of her half-sister in August of 67, conceived while daddy was in Vietnam”….

Freda crying is what woke me from my coma… I lost 9 months after that near death experience when Don and Freda where fighting and I got in the middle and my little 13-year-old body no match for 6 foot 4 inch 250 pound man and a grown woman…. the blows rained upon her body… her half older brother fighting to get them off her… She smiled as death took her… and thought… no more abuse, now I get to see god….

The darkness lasted for 9 months, with no memory of the attack and heart stopping death… only bruises and sore ribs and pain in my head…. daddy locked up in an Air Force psych ward… orders cut and we are shipped off to Japan to hide the scandal that rocked a little Texas town called Big Springs….

It would be Nov 7, 2017… 2 days after an Airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas and I told my love I had a story to tell and started talking about Big Springs, Texas….

This is how I solved my own murder….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who experienced death… no flowers, no family, no god… just total darkness….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Just when I thought we were done….Here I go Again!!!

Just when I thought I was done, that just maybe I could take all my research and memories and put the book in a first run…. I start dreaming…!!! #$%*

Not much sleep last night… lots of pain and some of my own doing, we got the new range and nearly killed ourselves getting it out of the back of the truck… thankfully we have good equipment and use every device available to help us cripples, but still, it took strength I didn’t know I had, and it was barely useful… so hate my body sometimes and its weakness….

Crawled into bed and was out instantly and the dreaming started… up at 10:30pm, 12:30am and again at 4:30am… each time with the memory of dreaming about my childhood… nothing discernible as far as the actions of the others in my dream… but siblings were in it… no clue if it was a bad or good memory….

Got a feeling that the stress of getting the last projects done on the house, our fight to get into a property that is in foreclosure, which is never fun… dealing with mouth pain and facial pain and no follow-up appointments by the VA with dental… request sent in May 2018… sigh… add to that the physical side of what I am trying to accomplish…. stay mobile… my body and brain are both tired and ready for a vacation….

Thunderstorm we had the other night finished off the stoves mother board… who knew you could put a 220 surge protector on an outlet… all our 110 stuff is protected, but we never could find a 220 surge in the store… time to order a couple… before hurricane season… other stove goes home with us, $2,000 double oven… we’ll get it fixed when we get home… always pack your trash off the island…or that is what they will be living on top of in 50 years… at least the properties we are trying to get into have shops, so I have a place to fix electronics…

Maybe the neurologist was right about the memories still being there… he read the MRI & MRA report and knew the type of damage I have to my brain… he has more knowledge than me… and after last night… he just might be right… the memories may be there… it’s just letting them into my waking mind… while I lose sleep… ya just can’t win with this scenario… big time sigh…..

The day is calling, I have stuff to pack and help Mike hang the fancy new living room ceiling fans… that storm the other night, hit the motor of the fan, and another thing to fix when we get home… 

Have a beautiful day…. Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her fascination with Hawaii because of Elvis movies…

Sgt. USAF DAV

They said they loved me… I am not impressed….

Did you know it is easy to love… why??? it’s an emotion… it has no real rhyme or reason… why??? it’s a emotion….

Now did you know that believing in a god is the same thing??? an emotion??? yep, read some psychology on the subject…

I have known for many years now, that when not over whelmed with man-made hormones… I didn’t get all that emotional, in fact, usually my reaction was the opposite…

I wrote that I laughed at my parents for the abuse they dished out to me as a little girl, the blunt force trauma fractures, the brain injuries, the internal injuries… my coping mechanism… humor….

When Don came in the bowling alley on Okinawa with the suitcases to send me back to where, I was still under 18 and in school… I laughed and it wasn’t the first time I laughed at the abuse they gave to my little body as a child…

So when someone says the words to me, “I love you”… I think to myself… Ain’t that sweet and if you know anything about southern humor, you will know that is not a compliment….

It is easier to love anyone or anything on this planet…

The hardest thing to do is…

Like someone…. because if you like them, you invariably respect them….

I can count on 1 hand the number of people I like… speaks volumes doesn’t it…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who knew love was not real, but liking someone was…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Cloak of Many Clues….

There is a song by Dolly, about the coat of many colors… and there is the story of the Jews leaders and its colorful cloak…. my cloak was orange and I hated it with a passion…. I was only 14, severe brain bleed after being beaten by daddy, because I pissed off mommy and sister… oh that cloak of orange and white… was my cloak of many colors and it left me so many clues….

When sister wanted that cloak I hated so much, another clue… When big brother tried to covert me to believe in his god… another clue… when sister said “live, love and laugh”… another clue… when mommy said, “your daddy was locked up in a psych ward one time and it scared him”… that was another clue… when daddy said he got the bronze star in Vietnam and I knew he did not do a full tour, because of the half-sister growing in mom’s tummy… another clue…

We drove over to Kona today to buy a new stove and a couple of ceiling fans… and it struck me how long my bread crumb trail was and it wasn’t mine… It was mom’s, dad’s, brother & sister… they all gave me clues about what happened to me and how they played god for the last 50 years…

Now I have cut them out of my life, because I don’t believe in gods and I know a con job when I see one… so thank you, but no thank you mommy, daddy, sister and brother… and most of all no thank you Mr. Trump…

Christian truth is an affront to all of humanity and all religions are an affront to life itself… your form of truth has no value and no worth… it is devoid of life and most of all it is devoid of hope… that isn’t religion… that is a cult, now that did sound like the Salem Witch Trials, you really can not fix stupid…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never understood anyone who believed in gods who allowed rape, murder, theft, lying, stealing and cheating… that is man’s gig, the oldest con on the planet…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Give Up… UNCLE!!!

Superstitions are just that… but if I was… I would really get a little freaked about now… but I know the reality of power surges and it hit our 220 on the stove and it will cost more to repair the stove than it would to buy a new one… 

As the repairman leaves the house I look up and see a ceiling fan quit spinning and get up and pull the switch and yep, the motor on it is going out….

Enough already… 

So road trip is in our future to go buy what we need, so the house can go up for sale…

So far I have 2 computers, a printer, now a computer on a fancy stove to fix, when we get home … yea, I could leave all that here… but this is an island and the computers get used for Seti and other things and the stove, the repair was cheap, just the parts that are spendy… 

But, every house we have put up for sale in the last 9 years… something always breaks before we hit the market… and the buyer always gets something new… at my expense…

Are we done yet??? and the rooster lets me know, tomorrow morning is just hours away… UNCLE!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her curiosity…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Learning to walk again….

I wrote about playing in an old building that was long gone and all that was there was the support walls that stuck out of the ground about 12 feet, so typical dangerous stupid place for kids to play… this was before I was 12…

By the time the Texas beating, near death, and stroke… I walked normal… feet both aligned and straight forward… after Texas, that all changed and I had a faint understanding of what was wrong, but I was a kid, my brain was in healing mode, so it was survival first and figure it all out at a later date… I just didn’t know that later date would be November 7, 2017… 50 years later….

The PT is working that left leg and the band that controls my ability to walk right and stay on my feet and not on my lips….

Essentially the same thing I have been doing for my arms and hands… yesterday, lots of nerve pain as things try to connect and communicate with each other… 

I knew some of this process would be painful and new pain is never fun, it takes the brain a little while to adjust to new pain and process it so that it is not intrusive… well, that’s a struggle right now, because I got legs and arms both, trying to heal 50 years later…. the body is an amazing muscle… to bad some of us forget to use the brain….

Every day is a challenge, to correct 50 years of habits that compensated for the left side of the body and the stroke at 13 years old…

It will never cease to amaze me, I went and had 2 boys, went to basic 2 months after my son was born and served for 5 1/2 years… all with a broken body… I earned every stripe and every dime I get from my military service… they took that broken body and broke it even more… just to cover up rape and attempted murder… while I was active duty… they got away with it when I was a dependent daughter…

Men in power protecting men in power… sounds like god, Jesus and Trump…. an people still think Mary being raped was okay, because they made the child into a god… just wow how acceptable rape has been for thousands of years…. hands off assholes… your beliefs in gods does not make it okay to touch me or anyone else…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her daredevil behavior… it’s still there…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Internet signal reroute…

I know a lot of peeps do not keep up with this stuff… so sue me… 

When the election went down in 2015/16 we knew that a signal reroute had been done by a foreign country and they would split the signal, you would still be connected, but if you posted or did anything on-line, it was rerouted to that foreign country and to their server so they could hack what ever accounts you had just been using online…

That is when I went with encrypted windows and extra security on the Apple crap… which has worked, for blocking the hackers… but…

It has not stopped the signal reroute and splitting… that is way out of my realm of knowledge, I can just see it happening….

Getting the satellite internet did not change anything in our household… so when something does not work right on the Ipad, I get on the computer and check it right away and see if it’s just a lag between the applications… it’s not… it’s as if what I posted got lost and in an hour or day it will show up…

Now either Face Book is censoring me, because I am an atheist or its outside interference for grins and giggles… flip a coin… I have no clue who is doing it… but something is happening…

So I will spend my day, switching out old passwords for new ones and make sure I have all my ducks in a row to keep from being hacked… about all any of us can do… now you get why they did the VPN stuff, because of that signal reroute… remember, I was using a hotspot… we just got net and WiFi… so vulnerable we are, to a point… hope that training I got by the Air Force was enough…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who became dyslexic after the boob beating…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Do NOT Touch!!! Biden, hands OFF!!! edited…

Christians or any religious person, thinks, hugs, and kiss’ are just the oh so nice bullshit!!!

Biden touching another person may have been innocent per the religious dogma of christians!!!

YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TOUCH ANOTHER PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once a few years ago, someone said to me…”I know you don’t like hugs, but I am giving you one anyway”… they were and still are a christian!!!??? obviously they have no clue about personal space…

Religion is destroying our world, because the person who hugged me, did not stop and think how that hug impacted me… Nope, it was about them being in control and ownership over me!!!!!

At PT the other day a few weeks ago, the PT person reached out and gave me hug, now I know they read the blog, was this an experiment on their part or was it ignorance at its best???

Our guest, when she was here, asked if it was okay to get a hug… that family is the one that introduced me to hugs, and it became a part of my life for a few years, until touch became a real issue for me, before I got my memories back… But… She asked permission…

We humans have innate needs and desires… We also have boundaries… People will either respect my space when we get back home, or those people will not be allowed in my space when we get home…

I may not wear a neon flashing sign that says, “DO NOT TOUCH”… BUT, you dumb ass humans should know better… christians and other religious delusional humans… not so much… You really can not fix stupid… You really can’t!!!

FYI FB IS CENSORING MY BLOG AND FACE BOOK PAGE…. Ann Spite…. Zuckerberg playing god….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… when ever touched, she wanted to throw up!!! Hands off assholes!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Memory of laughing at them, what does that mean???

I have more memories of laughing at them after they hurt me, than I do of being pissed off at them…. why??? Because it pissed them off more… lots of little devil emojis please…

We went out and did our mile walk and I stopped dead in my tracks and said… “I laughed at them, almost every time they hurt me, why???, because it pissed them off more and I knew it”…..

Nothing like watching an adult become enraged, when they can not make a child perform the way they want… and oh my… I was such a child and in adult life, many people have found my foot up their ass… true story….

Is it arrogance??? Is it bravado??? Is it any reason YOU can think of???

None of the above…

It is called a Traumatic Brain Injury and not just one, but over a dozen, 2 of them severe…. I am a lucky survivor of multiple TBI’s at the hands of my parents….

I have a “condition”…. it’s called TBI…. yet I am the one who has to adjust to your way of thinking???

Oh my, what an interesting world we live in… the reason for this write, trying to figure out how to approach the book and start writing it… putting all my research together… but how… do I do like I tried in the post yesterday or do I try this approach….

“As the little girl struggled to walk on those new legs, she felt coldness and turned to see her reflection in a TV screen, behind her she saw an old fashion hairbrush swung up against her backside, though in pain from the blow, she giggled… not because of the woman screaming about the hair brush, but from the sheer joy of seeing her reflection in the TV screen…. The memory of the blow never left the child and she would come to be a person who never looked too close in the mirror and rarely let the camera sneak a memory… the enraged woman would continue her abuse, but the child, would take it in stride and laugh at her, every time she hit the child”….

I have a very warped sense of humor, which my own sons carry with them in their warped way… No matter how many times Don hit me, I could never stay mad… and why is that???

I have a “Condition” called Traumatic brain injury and I am so grateful, I will never think the way anyone else does…. because I get to own my demons, not the other way around…. Don went to his grave a violent man, so too, will Freda… to live life, you have to own your behavior… I own mine… because….

I love my “Condition”…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loves to laugh about her condition….

Sgt. USAF DAV

If god is real, why do you need money???

In the news, the pope is doing something in writing to make it harder for a priest to rape a child??? okay, you can not fix stupid, stupid has to really want to be fixed… and smoke and mirrors does not stop rape, theft, murder, lying or cheating…

I love science and I have been watching Hawking, and the Universe series… and love the simple explanation of how we came to be and guess what… no threats of doom and gloom if I don’t believe… the religious can not say that…

In fact the religious need tax exemptions because of their fake god… they need land that is exempt and schools to brainwash more followers….

The earth needs none of the above, including us… Psychology says we have to enable the religious because it could be bad for their mental health to find out, santa Claus is not real, the easter bunny is not real, the great pumpkin is not real, Thor is not real, superman is not real, Batman is not real and this fantasy god they rape, lie, steal, cheat and murder for… guess what…. not real… but a good excuse to get away with crimes, as Trump is finding out…

If god was real… we would have no famine, war, illness, crime, death or pain of any kind… instead we have a world full of delusional humans, who think they are on this planet for a reason and can’t accept the fact….

Just like every living breathing creature that lives today… we are just a fluke of nature and if you don’t enjoy the ride while you are on it… you are going to be one miserable human who thinks a god is better than themselves… and you really think you are smarter than a monkey???

Not if you buy into gods…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the face of god was man and woman who wanted you to think the way they do… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

PTSD… what stage of the journey???

I turn my head an it swims and the world feels as if I just drank a half a dozen shots of something…. I correct my posture, tilt the pelvis, straighten the spine, pull the neck back in and know the skull feels heavy for a reason….my insides, still on the make, letting me know we are not done with this session from hell, called autonomic neuropathy…. bangers up and down Makauu street, entering my home, violating me once again and over and over… their rights to blast noise has priority over my rights as an owner of said road…. so tired and so very stoned… so the best of both worlds, kind of, maybe???

Allowing more into my world and not letting it control me, but taking into account the shock and aww others thrive on and let it slip into the shadows, just like religion…. my life touched by war in the home and foreign land…. shock and aww has no sway…

My longing for something, anything, to take my mind to another place… the vacation was a nice break, forced to stay in the moment with another life…

The nights are long and painful… more pain of the body than the mind… wandering, wishing, hoping for another trigger, so I can be released from this nightmare and move on….

I struggle, where to start the story,

“A child, exploring her world, felt something wickedly cold and firm to the touch… a giggle escaped her lips as her wobbly legs moved so as to see her reflection for the first time…. out of the back in the reflection and enraged face and a blow to the toddler, the old fashion hair brush broke in half, the child cried in pain… the woman, upset she broke the hairbrush… the child would rarely look at her reflection in any object and not remember her introduction into christian violence….”

is this the right direction???

I don’t know… so much remembered, so much pain relived, so much past reclaimed from those who stole it…. it… Hawking said that without our past, we have no identity…

He was so very right…. christians and their god stole mine…. 

I took it back….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who’s soul was never for sale to mans god…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Physical Therapy… who knew…

Resisted anyone ever touching me, it just flat-out hurts… it hurts to even hug someone or shake hands… so touch, not something I am big on, nor have I ever been… Raped young, you do not like human touch….

The physical therapist is working my left side and working that band that runs from your hip to your ankle between the muscles on the anterior side…mine is twisted and turned and has been since the stroke at 13 years old… so over 50 years… and oh my goodness can it hurt, when they try to get that body part to turn and relax…

I wrote about the balance beam in high school, one of my few memories… that was after the Japan beating and brain bleed… and I couldn’t maintain my balance on the balance beam, when just a few years earlier I was walking 12 foot high pylon walls 6 inches wide and no problem…

So as early as 15, my left leg had already turned out and not one Air Force orthopedic, not even the one I just saw here recently caught it… but physical therapy did… big time sigh… remember I wrote about Tripler Army hospital saying I had Pagets an it was a whole bunch of orthopedic doctors… college educated only means you passed tests… fact!!!

We just finished our mile walk and my left leg stayed in the correct position, in fact, I correct it the minute it goes to the turned out position….

None of this feels good, it is making all of my body correct itself from the stroke, when I was 13… so muscles, ligaments, tendons… you name it, they hurt, but in a good way…

I get that some of this damage will never be reversible… they hid me away or lied about the injuries… christians biggest cowards on the planet…

But, there is a good chance that some of the damage can be reversed and that is what I am working for… that saying, no pain, no gain… couldn’t agree more… could use a little less pain, but oh well, at least I know I am alive…

What really got me, the nurse could feel the old damage in my arm from the beating at 5 years old with that old 1 inch thick wooden yard stick… last night I showed hubby the indent in my arm 59 years later… you rub your finger across and you can feel wear the tissue is indented permanently, because I was never seen by doctors… yep christians… biggest and baddest bullies on the planet… may they all live the lives they deserve… the shorter the better…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who saw the face of evil and it was mans god….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Fight or Flight… the Fear mechanism…

For the longest time, I would say about 5 decades, I could not figure out why I had fear… I had no clue of the beatings, or any of the trauma and I had become so good about burying the rapes and all the other bad things that happened as I walked through life… I didn’t understand why the “Fight or Flight” was turned on in my brain… I really had no clue…

The things that would happen during this time, I think in a way, helped me turn off my emotions or maybe not so much turn them off, but deal with them in a different way…

I remember when we moved to Mena in 03, how it felt to be around Don and Freda and how that “fight or flight”, turned on in overdrive over the most mundane behavior???

As I watched Don die and how the christians around me behaved, that was when it started to melt away… I left the house before he passed, Freda, never allowed me to be near him alone, she was afraid he would confess and blow her cover… so I was not with my dad, I was denied that like so much more, by Freda…

Anyhow, this flight or fight… seems to be gone… Remember I talked about the Zip line tour we did… I never felt fear, not even adrenaline… my body and brain was spent from 50 years of it in overdrive… the Endo doc even did a test to see if my cortisol levels were up… the test failed, they couldn’t hit a vein… dumb bitch used a 20 gauge on me and a butterfly is all they can use, why??? Neuropathy!!!

I have done all kinds of things in the last 15 or so months to see if that feeling or angst of fear and flight kicks in… NADA….

It is odd, how I can adjust to cutting off my biological family after so many decades of abuse… and I can do it to my own children…. why???

Because no one has a right to abuse me…. ever!!! that is the behavior of the christian world, abuse, lying, stealing, cheating, murdering, beating… that is what christians do…

I am an atheist… I don’t live by corrupt standards, I live by natures standards…

The butterfly feeling is there, but the fear and flight is gone… the steady hand that was there for the 5 car accident, decades ago has come back into my life… the hate and fear caused by christians, is gone…

I finally have control of my life… not christians … my soul is mine and it is free to soar…. as I watch christians spiral into hell or decadent behavior, but god will forgive them…bet priest say that every time they rape???…….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell 

I Remember… Margie… who loved to fly in the swing…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy & Sun, friend or foe???

After the last blow to my body by any human in 1971 alongside my head…. that was when the sun, heat, humidity started a love hate relationship… all because of that last blow to my head at 17 years old…

We are green, we do all we can to conserve energy, water, food, etc… so I have an out doors clothes line and today, we started moving things around, so laundry got started late and by the time it was done, we were at the height of our UV and heat for Hawaii… between 10AM and 2PM… so a little burned today, just slight pink… but it made me feel sick…

The same kind of reaction I got at suicide cliff on Okinawa after the head incident…

As much as I would like to think all this crap I deal with started as an adult… I have to and I have, which is why I am moving on… accepted the criminality of the home I was raised in… besides… they were and still are bat shit crazy…

So the heat, dry heat, does not seem to hit me as hard, I still do not like being out in it… but it’s a noticeable change from my childhood, where I spent all my time outdoors and the heat never bothered me… 

The neuropathy, both kinds that I have, take their toll… the autonomic flare up is still going on… it’s not 100% done screwing with me…

Moving will be a chore if it does not back off….

We chose our house and our town we are moving too… we are excited… and the time will pass quickly… and the fatigue I wear now, will become more pronounced until we are done and finished… so it goes when you make big life choices…  and our adventure has begun…

I skipped the supplements this morning, and still had a bad tummy, so it’s not that and likely is the neuropathy taking its pound of flesh… 

What did a 5-year-old child ever do to these religious bigots???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and her love of swimming…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Humans a fluke of nature… for real… no gods involved…

Ya know I have never seen 99% of TV crap that is out there… Our TV stays on the Science channel or National Geographic or anything that is educational and can be backed with proof and not a book written several thousand years ago…

Religion will always be a thorn in my side, only because the blade is still stuck between my ribs… and mommy dearest has yet to remove it…

I know when we move, things will not change… our lives will still revolve around our home and not what is on TV or what anyone else is doing… We have learned to put our selves first and ignore the ignorance of humans… maybe explains why we are still kicking an so many we knew are 6 feet under…. we chose to live, not hide…

Science says we are a fluke of nature… we really got lucky when the asteroids damaged the earth and took out the top predators, dinosaurs… gave us a better chance to evolve out of what survived…

Kind of explains why some of us are vegetarians… we evolved from plant eaters and the rest of us, well, we came from the meat eaters… I love a good steak…

Super Novas, gamma rays… they all impacted our earth and helped our development… all except in the way our brain works… some of us are too afraid to live, so we hide behind gods and religion, instead of getting off our ass or using our brains like Hawking did…

I get the biggest kick out of those who believe in psychics… no different from religion… all someone is doing… using their ability to observe and extrapolate from those actions and come up with a story line… I do it all the time and my hubby says my average on being right is about 97%… wonder if the fake psychics is about the same… it’s just honing those skills that I developed as a child… nothing more… Psychics and preachers… biggest cons on the planet… I do it for free… they take money get free housing and all kinds of government support… me, not so much and I wore the military uniform… speaks volumes… I think that is called greed and deceit???

The day has started, the Autonomic meltdown has finally stopped… last night was beyond dizzy and upset tummy…. 2 full weeks… but I am getting to the point, where all that goes on, makes sense and isn’t a surprise… just a heads up, you are going to feel like crap… at least I get a warning… sigh….

Back to workouts, packing and waiting for the time to pass… the money in the bank… the work we have yet to finish…ugh…. but if all goes well and the interest we have in the house already…. we will be back in Washington by August… are we done yet???

My anger is passing, though I know there will be days it will flare and the smartest thing anyone can do, let me vent and it will pass…. but if anyone tries any more psychology on me on face book or any other place…. I am thinking they won’t like the words that will leave my lips…. high IQ, means high IQ… fucking with me is the dumbest thing anyone can do and my husband of 25 years will tell ya… I warn, than I sink your battleship…

Lots of crappy weather headed our way, so today we rearrange the sheds, so I can start packing the house and staging it…. ya know, it’s early and I think I am going to go smoke one big bowl before I start my day… still a little tummy rolling around….

Have a beautiful day…. we are…. Aloha….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to sleep, it kept her from being beaten….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Borg… not a bad idea….

I want a body like 7…. reminds me of my younger days…. 

Neck is real hassle, trying to keep it back an in position and not forward and putting a strain on those areas that are damaged from all those beatings… not fun…

Today at PT… I told her about the sensation in my forearms… and how it felt different from what the muscles in my upper arms feel… those hurt, because they are coming back to life… they have been used before… but not so much with my forearms…

I couldn’t turn my arms out, ya know, palms up and keep my elbows by my side… I can now, but I have been doing exercises now for months… anyhow, I told the PT and she worked on my right arm and if you look at this picture, see that indention in my arm… it’s broken… and the PT lady could feel the blunt force trauma damage… big time, I want to punch a wall kind of sigh…………………………..yep!

margie

Covered in bruises…

So, some new exercises, to help those muscles that are trying to communicate with the nerves and all the other junk inside my body… oh, so much to learn and no desire too… anatomy is what I mean… 

Ironic, I hate exercise, because of all the pain it gave me… now, that pain lets me know what is working and what is going to be a problem as I age…

So much damage to a little girl, only 6 years old in this picture and so much more abuse to come…

All because of christians god… a human man born on our planet… you really cannot fix stupid… you just can’t…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never stood a chance against Trumps kind of god… MAN!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic meltdown in it’s 14th day???

I have for decades been trying to pin this situation down, so that, when the symptoms warn me it’s coming I know exactly what to expect, okay sort of, kind of… oh hell, I got no clue type scenario…

Before our guest arrived, I started feeling the upset stomach and not much else… along came slight dizzy feeling and thought it was my neck and made sure I did those exercises, no relief though???

I was concerned when we were out hiking and doing more physical stuff, that I would have an issue… but nope, I got to enjoy all we did… just sore muscles…

So my thought is, when the stomach starts letting me know it wants to empty, and I get numbness in my lips and I find I clench my facial muscles more and I get a headache on the left side of the head in the frontal temporal area… that seems to be the autonomic meltdown for me…

It goes for my digestive system and my lungs… not to sure it’s the cause of the tachycardia I live with… I think that is related to stroke and heart compressions… those ribs hurt and I never injured them, that I know of…

Now I need to remind myself… No thyroid drug in my body and I know according to the text books, I probably need to be on a mild dose, but I can’t take the medication… so got to keep in mind my body is still dealing with a drug I was on for 27 years and just quit in January… 

But I get the feeling stress is not my friend and this is how my body deals with stress and I need to find a more constructive way to handle the upcoming move and all that is going to happen in the next 6 months…

We chose our house… now it’s watch and wait, an hope things fall into place… only time will tell on this…

While out doing our mile, my lips became numb and tummy was not happy… 

It is so hard to figure this all out on my own, but so much easier than dozens of short trips to the doctor for 20 mins and get 2 words out and have to refresh them of what is ongoing…. nope, much easier if I figure it out and I will…

I don’t take anything to help with any of the symptoms… but the aha… I have a feeling, one of the supplements is now no longer needed… so other than my Bio-astin… it’s time to stop them and see what might be the culprit… I have eliminated them one by one, when the body starts getting what it needs from the diet… to much of any vitamin, can make you sick… I know this all to well… so time to start another experiment and see what is triggering my insides to revolt… because what I am doing presently isn’t working…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was sneaking laxative as early as 7 years old, because of the beating at 5… she was smart, it kept her from getting issues with the bowels as an adult…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I Have A Condition….my new pet phrase…

Oh my goodness if we buy the house we want to buy…. in-door pool, right on the river… some acreage… still lots of questions… but we have hope this will be ours and the gang will all be there…

While our visitor was here, she found out just how goofy we really are and that we really do not take life to seriously….

I mean come on… Mike was in heart failure when we moved here, today we found out it has improved very well…. Our guest got to see what happens when my wiring goes wrong and I fight to stay in the here and now…  so, would you take life real serious or go out and live it??? We choose to live it and embarrass our kids every chance we can… True story…

So while our guest was here, she of course asked questions and asked about other topics and when my filter took its mask off… I would have to pipe up and say… “you’ll have to excuse me, I have a condition” and of course with as much southern inflection as I can put in my voice… before long when those words left my lips, she was in tears and laughing… she has stage 4 cancer and is living with it… laughter always in my house…

So many of us, robbed of what we think life should have been… but if ya think about it… I’m pretty happy with the way it is… angst and all…. I would change nothing….

So this ole girl with a special kind of unfiltered condition is calling it a night… Next few weeks will be busy getting the house ready to go on the market… no dreams lately, not much of anything except the meltdown by my nerves inside me… and exercise keeps me sore… but really no complaints… sweet dreams… or not…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved long hair… 

Sgt. USAF DAV

Autonomic melt down… piecing it together…

Piecing the signs together… the hints of impending doom and gloom…

Okay maybe not, but I don’t like roller coasters and when this happens, it is one long miserable ride….

I wrote the other day what happened on our way to the airport…

I noticed a headache on my left temporal area… about the same area as the right that suffered the stroke and bleed… anyhow… Head pain, sinus pain, recognizing I am tightening my facial muscles and jaw, so that wasn’t it… and I have had some sinus congestion, eh maybe… we did go up and down in elevation while we had company several times… nah… not it… so, what???

The residual symptoms are my clue… I am still dealing with a un happy tummy…. and it feels bloated and hard… aha moment…

So that’s why my body will purge… I am thinking, not a good idea, the thinking… but the thought is… it’s stress… and when it happened last summer, I was starting the journey of levothyroxine over dose… and the stress coupled with the drug, was enough to trigger the meltdown with the throne for 25 hours… but not this time… this time was different…

I handled the stress, or at least my body didn’t betray me like it usually does… now… the question is, is this the answer…

I guess the test will be, when we put the house on the market and I have to allow strangers into my home… yes we will be all packed up and our valuables out of reach of sticky fingers… but the move, sending Mike back to Washington to buy our final home… Hmmmmm.

This is a test, only a test, we will get back to your regularly scheduled program… in about 6 months, I am a thinking… again… oh dear… 

Are we done yet???

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTel\l

I Remember… Margie… who loved Bewitch, but could never twitch her nose…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Veterans health care in America…

May of last year was when I saw my dentist an asked for mandible molar implants…

Got a call from Oahu VA on Monday and they had no record of such request…

Do you realize, we veterans can call, and we will rarely reach a human… that is a fact… Trump has a hiring freeze on, the VA like all federal agencies is understaffed…

I was a dental tech in the military and I know what to do to deal with the pain I live with in my mouth and I know that it is all nerve related… that doesn’t make it fun to live with…

I would mention the dental clinic here in Hilo, but liable I don’t care to be…

So, who is lying??? The dental clinic says they sent the paper work in the mail, per the request of the Oahu VA… so did someone in the Oahu VA just toss the paperwork… seen that happen first hand… VA has thousands of corrupt employees and that is a fact…

or did the employee at the dental clinic lie???

And people wonder why veterans have such a high suicide rate…

Because America does not care… so why should the vet care about their lives??? just wow… as long as the Trumps get all the free health care for robbing America, guess it all evens out???!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was born with unique dental issues….

Sgt. USAF DAV

VA out of Oahu calls???

Before I forget to document this… got a call from Oahu VA office, following up on a complaint my hubby had filed, when we were fighting to get answers about that stroke… 

Ya know, that stroke was purely a hunch… other than these memories I have, I had no other clue than noticing my left side was weak after my surgery last year and no the stroke did not happen at that time, the brain bleed would have been fresh, mine was old…

Anyhow… I told the kid we had panicked over that MRI and since I still was dealing with doubt,  ya know, kind of hoping my memories were a mental illness manifestation and that I was in no way close to solving my own murder….

Damn, was I wrong… that saying, “be careful what you wish for”… well it bite me in the ass…

So I tell the kid all is hunky dory, but he could explain why I got no dental implants… and his comment…”We have no request for one”!!!

HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER!!!

Enough rant… either the dental clinic lied or the VA is destroying documents when they arrive at the facility… only answer… I worked for the Feds for a long time… corruption is not new… Jeez, just look at Trumps swamp…. enough said…

As for my health care while we are here… if they can get the cataract surgery done, that would be great… dental, probably not enough time… we are moving that soon…

We just got to decide… West coast of Washington or go home to Okanogan county…. decisions, decisions…

Anyway, I thanked the kid and told him, the VA had done all I requested and I had no complaints… wouldn’t matter if I did… I know how the system really works….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidintTell

I Remember… Margie… before she ever walked with a limp…

Sgt. USAF DAV

My Invisible Disability….Autonomic Neuropathy…

The past week, has been fun… and very surprising….

When I offered to take my niece to Zip line, I had done something similar to it, but only slightly and I wrote at one time I had a fear of heights… well, not any more…

The zip line was fun, but it never got my adrenaline going… It never got me excited…. It never made me feel fear…. It never gave me the butterfly feeling… I find all of this disturbing, kind of….

I have known for a very long time I am fearless, I have done stupid before and stood up to people and I have defended myself and actually hurt someone… I really do need to brush up on my self-defense, with my old body….it’s not young anymore…

I have read about those of us who have brain injuries that are moderate to severe and if it’s in the right location, we lose our inhibitions and have no filter and fear is in the garbage…

Well I have inhibitions, but I have no filter and it seems I have no fear, within reasonable limits… fear is the most important emotion we have and without it… we don’t live long…

I also found this week, I really don’t like being watched and I know I was… I don’t move the way I used too… I have changed…. most of all, I am so surprised of what someone thinks of me that has known me for over 30 years… it was nice to hear…

But mostly, I didn’t lose my temper or get cranky… I just got tired and acted like a person that was tired… until the trip across the island to take her to the airport and the central nervous meltdown happened… my invisible disability…. Autonomic Neuropathy…

Now this disorder is usually associated with high triglycerides and mine are…but that didn’t show up in blood work until about 20 years ago… the symptoms for the autonomic started when I was a child… and I have written about it… so what happened yesterday that scared our guest…

When this happens it is much like a seizure, but this time, Mike and I had a witness… I never loss consciousness… I never threw up, but boy did I want to… I never stop or became frozen in time and I continued to interact while the episode happened…. so I do get why neuro thinks it seizures… I just don’t fit the profile… but the Autonomic fits this scenario perfectly and this is what happens and it really is worse than a roller coaster…

First I get a flush of heat in my head, like a seizure would cause, then it transverse down my internal organs and this time no heart impact, heart rate stayed normal… it hits my lungs and makes it damn near impossible for me to get them to contract and expand… I can only get a shallow breath from the upper portion of my lungs, my lower portion of my lungs are paralyzed… they are stopped from functioning until the overload to my central nervous system is done… it lasted quite a while, about 20 mins… I couldn’t close my eyes, because it was a light show from hell, with my eyes closed… I had to keep sipping water and had the AC vent blowing on me to cool my head down… If my insides are gurgling, my bowels start to rumble… I know that the throne and I will be best of friends later that night… thankfully we were not last night…

The attack happened 3 times… and I actually got a warning a few days in advance… before it happened for a couple of days I was real nauseous…. like I had a bug…

This is something that has happened so many times over the years since the first beating at 5 years old… and this is the first time I have been able to isolate what exactly it was impacting… and I knew when I couldn’t do my breathing exercise…. my lungs were the target…

Autonomic neuropathy can kill… it goes for our organs and shuts them down… I have been doing breathing exercises since 1978… I think that is the only reason I haven’t had an attack that could knock me out… the memory pattern allows me to breathe, not much mind you… I can fill all of my lungs, but when this happens… I am fighting to stay alive with every breath…

I know it freaked our guest out… but we have been through this so many times… we know the drill… we stopped at a big store and I walked around, because those things in the store were not moving, the vehicle was and made it difficult to focus on what was needed, air…

Something I have lived with, entered the military with, worked my whole life with… so when someone tells me they can’t work and they have no doctors to back that bull shit statement…. I know the kind of person I am dealing with… oh, my life just seems to get more entertaining daily… going home is going to be an interesting experience… new enemies I will make…no doubt on that thought… sorry, got to keep some secrets…

So, was it all the activity that caused the melt down or was it just normal for me???

I wrote a while back about how these episodes were becoming more frequent… and they are… just as long as the throne and I are not overly friendly… I will learn to continue to cope with them and continue to do those things that help the damaged nerves not kill me… thanks mommy dearest for that beating at 5….

Another thing I find amusing… how few people realize Mike and I walk with death daily… everyone associates cancer as impending doom on their lives… we have never made that assumption… we live it daily….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… before the first beating… so much taken, because she told the truth…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Taking chances…

Sometimes you just got to take a chance… Angelia is leaving to go home today… The pups accepted her in our home, with the usual growls an warnings, they are in charge, you are a visitor in our home… Choco drooled so much, we had puddles on the floor…but she kept all 10 fingers…

Just a fyi…Standing on an elliptical to record is hazardous to ones health…hubby was dying watching us women….Have a beautiful day… Aloha…

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Back to documenting my journey, vacation over….

Telling the story…

This past week, having a stage 4 cancer patient, a dear niece in my home…has been reminding me…

In the face of death comes grace… Not from a god…

But the soul of a human being….

We are given one chance to live, an people like me who died an came back…know how precious our lives are… No god on the other side of darkness…. just darkness as the brain dies…

Life is so very precious…Waste it on yourself, an not mans fake gods…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…the darkness enveloped her when her heart quit an her brain fought to come back…

Sgt USAF DAV

Zip Line the final run…

Reception not great, but I got this one to upload… I think this is the final run and I fly over Akaka falls… Sorry, my helmet was moving around a lot… but it still has some nice shots… This was the longest run of the 7 zip line runs we did…

One kid was terrified, if you hear me yada yada about trying at the end of the zip, just hit pause, had a heck of a time getting stuff to work today on the lap top…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who was fearless….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Video of zip line…

Video I took with Iphone, will upload the go pro soon… This was at Zip line tours, big island Hawaii…

The video is one of the college kids on the tour… this run was the 2nd longest we did, sorry the zoom in an out…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember Margie…an this time she was flying….

Sgt USAF DAV

Zip line insanity…

Today is a test…. Test of my courage an if my bladder is going to betray me when I start screaming….

More than that, its a physical test… Yesterday at the Dolphin Quest, I was sitting on the ground an stood up with just using my legs… Spoke volumes on how far I have come in building my strength….

Today we hike between zip lines an its a half mile hike to get to the first one… When hiking on black sand beach, I found out how hard my thigh muscles had to work, sore for two days… Yesterday was a long hike too…

It is weird, I have had this stroke walk with me for over 50 years… But I am so aware of the issues I always ignored an thought was just normal for me….

So many lies told to protect secrets that never were, because a man made god forgave them…Me the victim… Will never forgive…

Me the survivor, removed them from her life….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who is gonna kill me for doing the zip lines…

Sgt USAF DAV

Hawaii Island… Swim with dolphins and Zip line tour…

Weather not all that great, but we have gone out and looked for new and interesting things to do… Tomorrow, my niece will swim with dolphins at the Hilton…

Friday, her and I are doing the 7 Zip line tour, here on the big island… if you are curious what that is, just google zip line for the big island…

No pictures to share today, but tomorrow and Friday… should be fun… We are wearing go-pro cameras for the 7 zip lines…

Have a nice evening…. Aloha…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved to fly before she died and is going to do it again on Friday…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Botanical garden on Hawaii, big island…

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Not much in bloom, but the garden recovered nicely from Hurrican Lane last year… still a pretty hike…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie … and the dozen roses she won mom, just before Margie died…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Why do I remember???

When the young airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas… I was shocked, just like everyone else… but had become numb to all the mass shootings by mostly white males and the propaganda our own president promotes for white superiority…well if he is an example, they will kill each other off…

Sorry I digress, when I sat down an started talking about Big Springs, Texas… the memories flooded in like Noah’s ark fable….

I keep going back to the one thing that has not changed…

I remember nothing new… so why do I remember what I do remember…

I can account for my adult life… not every single day, thankfully… but I can sit and meditate and what ever year I am going for, I will get the important stuff, all the fluff is in lala land…

When I do that with my childhood, I hit more brick walls than they do on the Mario speedway… and I can tell when I hit the wall, the dead-end…

Not being a person who has faith in hypnosis, it may or may not work… I may pursue that course if I feel the need… and that is the other problem…

I said for a long time how the missing memory is like missing a limb or a twin… and I can only imagine that feeling in life… it makes me wonder if, as the time pass’ and I accept the violence that was done and the fact the living will continue to hide in plain sight…

Just maybe it’s not all that important to fill in the gaps… Maybe that is why the calm is coming over this whole environment…

It’s a curious thought and one I am interested in seeing to completion…

The psychological part of this journey, making sure I don’t cheat myself in the process because of fear or not understanding what I am experiencing… yet deep inside my brain I felt a twinge of anger…

Still more work to do… the brain is settling down, the thoughts are healthy and in keeping with the progress I have made… Not sure this won’t always be going on… figuring things out… got a lot of years that fed off that brain injury… 

I can hear the parrot down the street shreeking… Oh I am so looking forward to some quiet…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who never like loud noises…

Sgt. USAF DAV

 

Questions with no Answers…

Many mental health workers believe it is a good idea to get your thoughts down in a journal, diary, video or audio memory… especially when making a journey like mine…

I have written of all that gets to me, I tried to make sure I was as honest with myself as that was so important… be honest about how I feel about all things… disappointments, pain, mental and emotional, fears… most of all the fears and some are still there…

I still have lots of questions and probably will never get answers… I still have fears that only I can overcome…

I have no expectations out of anyone else or myself… but I have lots of hope…

As I sit here and I think of all that has happened in my childhood and adult life… I feel no anger….

I do feel some sadness, but that is only because I expected adults to be adults and I now realize… mental illness is more prevalent in our society than I thought possible… It is I who will have to adjust to their mental illness and delusions… as I do not see the world or life as they do… I see it through my eyes and not myths built on man-made religions…

A calmness has come over our home, a peace I have not felt, ever… it’s called acceptance…

It will be 6 years this year since my oldest talked to me… I was hard on what he did… I hope he finds light, before the darkness consumes him….

As for our other kids… their lives are theirs, not ours… They are from a different era than Mike and I and anything we did for our parents, we do not expect from our children… that is social media and society as a whole… we are a different nation, I hope it continues to evolve for the good of humanity and not just white man nationalism….

Our move has become a reality and the thought of finally settling down is appealing… as to where, that is still to be determined, though we have made a choice, it could change…

I do not expect life to change, when we move… because people will not change… this should be an interesting ride…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who loved the animals in the clouds…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Pretty day on Hawaii…

Playing with my camera and trying out different lens… we have company in a few days and I will be out and about the island taking lots of pictures… our last chance to get out and see it, before we start the work and put the house up for sale…

Hope your day is just as pleasant… Aloha from HPP on the big island of Hawaii…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and her love of nature…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Love… Respect… Honesty… Hardest way to live life…

At some moment in time, I made a choice in life to live by the above statement… and I have no regrets… because I know the life I have lived and continue to do so…

As my brain takes all the chaos of memories that have been buried for decades… I see the measures I took to protect myself as I re-learned life, never letting them know how damaged I truly was… if I did, that gave them more power over me… Mom, Dad, Brother & Sister… Aunts, Uncles, Granny, including friends….

By the time I turned 13 years old, the brilliant mind I was born with, was struggling to stay above water and had not other choice but to acquiesce to the elders for survival… but the brain didn’t completely capitulate over… no it held onto a desire to make everyone pay… Revenge… but how to go about it and not turn out like the christians that took a childs life???

Not change, hide, but never change… I had to make choices… and those choices had to be genuine… the CON would never work for me, I was to transparent in my emotions… or at least I thought I was… come to find out, people interpreted my attitude and outer cover as confidence… how poorly these people learned to observe their fellow human… thus the word assumptions in our vocabulary….

I was born knowing nothing but truth, I will die, doing the same… so I did not change, though god and religion did all it could to take truth and honesty and integrity from me… but most of all I escaped with my soul and individuality… so, no I did not change from who I was born to be… but I had to hide to survive…

Loving someone is the easiest thing on the planet… Respecting them is a whole different condition and not one that comes easy….

The one thing I have not done to my family and friends and kids and grandkids…

I have never disrespected them… I told the truth… and that is not what they want to hear… gee that does sound like Trump and his religious bigot base…

None of my family, friends or relatives can say the same… even on face book… oh that is such a fun tool…

Why is this subject so important to me???

TRUST… it is not given, it is earned… I have never done anything to anyone on this planet to violate that sacred word….

TRUST… no one I know can say the same, including my husband of 25 years… he had to earn it back… no one else has truly bothered… or apologized…

Really does explain why I prefer to live such a solitary life… less painful…

I have been fortunate in life to have lived it all, love, pain, loss, death and I experienced each and everyone one of those moments in time… because of christians…

I am getting close to moving again and that final home will not meet all my expectations… only because people have to want to change and so few bother to improve upon which they are born with… now if you figure this statement out you are right up there with all thinkers who believe knowledge is power….

I love many people and respect so very few… I need more of Margie’s acceptance to come back into my life… so many years of being used does that to a person…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and when christians god showed its true face…

Sgt. USAF DAV

We got sunshine…

We have had so much rain, we are starting a dry pattern… views on our walk this morning…

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Got my camera out, since company will be here soon… need to remember how to use it…

This is what we see everyday, when we go out an walk… Orchids, Mauna Kea, Pacific Ocean… our little house….

Have a beautiful day…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who always had a camera… but hated her picture taken…

Sgt. USAF DAV

I am a Elder, not your best friend…

Quit treating me like I am your best friend… I am your elder, not your BFF…..

The last few years has taught me, with my sons… they forgot, I was there for them… where were their dads??? I don’t lie to them and I make them own their lives or they can stay out of mine… I am not on this earth as a best friend… I am the person who allowed them to live by giving birth to them… I was there… not the sperm donors!!!

As for the grand kids… a few years ago a beautiful grand-daughter got into modeling… and was using a company that has been around for a long time, under many names and the courts keep closing them down, but back they come to steal from naive kids…

I showed her it was a scam and that the thousands she had given them, just went into the dudes mansion… her mother went off on me, the child was cold and distant…

My ex daughter in law has done more lying than Trump has and that is a fact… because of that, the rift between father and kids is wide… and I have worked to get her to come clean… and trash we have become… just like the house we gave them to live in…

I have done things for my step daughter, but because of her up bringing, she too has disrespected…

I honestly do not get it… even though my parents beat me to death, on more than one occasion and I have multiple TBIs, PTSD and neuropathy…. I never disrespected them… they are still my elders… instead I walked away from that life, because, they didn’t respect me…

The same goes for our kids and grand kids… We are not your age, we have already spent over 6 decades on this earth and I have lived a life rich with experience… it just does not agree with theirs… 

But ya know what, every time they want something…. the phone rings…

What Mike and I have done for our parents, the money we spent to be their and the civility and respect we showed them… We will never get back…

Just ask the kids, they know everything… which is why I stay reasonably silent anymore with any of them… so many have been rude and disrespectful as if they have a right…

You do not… we never did that to them…. and that is a FACT!!!

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie.. granpa Dave in hospice gave me a dollar at 6 years old, I spent it on him, even though the gift of money was for me… that is how Margie treats others…

Sgt. USAF DAV

What to do with this site of rants and bigotry…

It has bothered me lately… it is not who I am or what I believe… but words left my lips and words were typed… so, they came from my injured brain… is that okay, is that an excuse or acceptable behavior, just because I have a severe brain injury??? I do know the difference between right and wrong and I do know when not to be unfiltered… so why has any of this bothered me???

I remember… I remember a little girl with a whole different attitude before the Big Springs beating, death and stroke… just 13 years old and my world changed, because a woman had a kid that was not my dads and I call her mother… nothing more… just a manipulated situation that went wrong and I paid the price….

Yes, I am still angry and that is okay… it is melting away, as all things do over time, unless you fixate on it…

The emotional pain, wow… that is beyond complicated and has so many layers, I will have to get back to that subject in due time…

Control… control is in my hands… the PT worker asked if I remembered anything new… and I can not answer that question… it is way to early in this process to rule it out as I am finding..

There is much I have written that is prejudice, bigoted, hateful, mean, intrusive and negative… mostly about christians and their faith… after so much in the news about catholics and the Baptist… if people want to let their pocket books be emptied and their children be raped… nothing I do or say will stop it…

My mind is moving on… it’s yearning to write the story and I know I can’t start till we are settled and I have the quiet I need to maintain the focus… brain injury, distractions are not helpful, neither is noise…

Life moves forward and my words stay in print… I have to own what I wrote and thought… even though a man-made drug influenced that thought process… it really is a direction I have no desire to relive… but the experience will help with writing the book, because those souls are so much darker than what I wrote… an that drug took me to that place for the last 26 years… levothyroxine… the drug from hell….

As time pass’ I guess you do heal…

If you want too…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie and the light she brings into a room…

Sgt. USAF DAV

Neuropathy & PTSD…

It has been 2 months since I quit the levothyroxine and just wow… 26 years plus of hell, because of one tiny man-made drug… and I wonder how long before I would have taken my life, if I hadn’t got confirmation of the TBI’s… and people are living that have my answers and silent as the grave they are, though they live above ground… but if ya think about it… maybe below ground is where they truly dwell???

My body and brain have been up and down for so long, I list as I walk… for real… not sure what that is all about, but neuropathy and head trauma…. there are lots of things I deal with, that I will never get a text-book answer on… I have to figure it out… and there are days that is so very daunting…

Last night vivid dreaming… so not much sleep… that power nap in the afternoon helps…

Stress is so much in the picture… we know, by June we will have the house on the market and it will sell fast and we will be back on the mainland, looking for that final home to rock away the rest of our days… 

Do we go for the one we want and live the dream and be house poor for a while or do we do the smart…. I’ll share a little secret… If you get the opportunity to live your dream, go for it… we have one life and wasting it on caution and fear, isn’t living…it’s hiding…

An that dream comes with a hefty price tag… but we have been grooming ourselves on finances for a couple of decades and living small while living large, sounds like so much fun… I will share a picture if we buy it…

The neuropathy is showing its head, yesterday had to stay off the elliptical, I know when to not push my body, learned that the hard way in the military… and spring chicken I am not… today is PT and may be my last appointment, not sure if there is anything more they can show me… it all is helping and I am getting stronger… just walk with a list, kind of… but I always have since the Japan beating…

Again, knowing has made all the difference… Not only can I feel the changes in the brain reaction to events… I can feel the body changes and that takes the pressure off all the pain and levels have come down, but pot does help…

As days pass, I think less of the family and their involvement…  that thinking will happen when it’s time to tell Margies full story of how she survived a christian household… that will be a dark tunnel to enter, when I write that story from a perspective that is out of character for me…

I look forward to when my time is taken up with projects in the craft room or in the garden or just rocking away on the porch looking at the lake and smoking that bowl and thinking…

In the end, I truly won….I think what is coming next is going to be one grand adventure…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… and all the adventures she took inside her mind… so many stories she lived safely in her world…

Sgt. USAF DAV