VA Death Care dumped… Medicare, to stay alive….

After 18 months of complaints about dental care and the failure of said dental work by the VA in 2010, leaving me a tootless cougar…. meow…. The VA on Hawaii is finally doing their job…

After trying to work with a broken system called Tri-West for VA health care… I gave up and had my Cataract surgeries, yes, both eyes… on Medicare… VA filled the perscriptions for the drops needed for surgery… Medicare, paid for the surgeries and I paid the difference… 100% Service Connected Disabled Veteran and I paid for health care???

After another nightmare of events with the VA… I’m done… over it and I refuse to become one of the many they buried….

We had been doing errands in Hilo… actually some aloha spirit, not much, but some… and on our way home, the phone let me know I missed a call from the doc… they were setting up consults thru the VA?! okay I didn’t get pissed… I called them back and said forget the VA, except for my perscriptions… that inhaler is too expensive, plus, use my medicare and the kid let out a yelp that I was using medicare, and he could get me appointments sooner by giving up on the VA… even the employees get it… it’s that bad…

So all those consults, that the doctor got some how confused about… they are finally going out and the one for Neuro is being resubmitted and I know, April will be the soonest they get me in…. I’m okay with that… where I’m gonna go????? no teeth remember….meow……

Lots of doctor appointments will happen and maybe I can get some answers, before I buckle and take medication… I do get the dangers of hypothyrodism… you just got to prove to me that besides the numbers, these others symptoms are related to the thyroid and not the abnormal brain wave… so answers will come, in time… and time I got….

Ordered my eye glass’s…. just as spendy as before… but now I know what my perscription means… to correct my distance stigmatigism and for my up close vision… couple weeks, I will have consistent vision and not this off and on….

Lubricating the eyes more often per the surgeons instructions and that should help clear the fog I see once and a while, because of my dry eyes…

Answers in the last 24 hours… accomplishments done… ice cream bought… time for some real down time and just enjoy Hawaii…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

The stress has caused some memories to come forward lately… Neurology says they see no reason the 52 years of amnesia won’t go away…. some day….. the living aren’t talking… so this is my last hope to regain those memories stolen by christians……

Trauma & Edetic Memory or HSAM…. Why is Twitter censoring American Citizens???

Hubby picked up a new pot, for me, that has no depressant in it, an instead it’s like drinking too much coffee… so mix with something else is happening… and because of this pot, it causes me to go to thought process’s that I avoid right now, because I am more focused on physical health and building strength and maintain mobility… mental health, not a big priority right now… and that being said….

I keep going back to what the shrink at El Paso said about my memory ability… and at that time we had no clue about head injury, strokes or seizures…. so he went off the paper tests and verbal conversation we had… and I think this is why he wasn’t right…

I make memories, based on events… and if the event imprints… I will remember in detail that moment in time… and rarely will good memories, be associated with bad memories… no matter how much I want them too…

It’s not so much that I can remember everything that ever happened or was said… it’s how the moments in time unfolded and who the players were….

The other day in Costco… I walked right passed my hubby of 25 years and looked straight at him and didn’t recognize him… it’s always been that way… and I think that has to do with the abnormal brain wave…

I wrote a few weeks ago, it was active and I thought it had quit… and when blood work came back showing high numbers on the TSH, that got me thinking… I needed, Endochronology and Neurology on this… this is brain chemical related to the abnormal brain wave and I say that with some conviction, because if you look up the symptoms for “Hypothyrodism”…. I don’t meet the profile… at all… nada… none of those symptoms are directly tied to me…

The only reason I ever went on thyroid meds, I was fatigued in 1993 and the doc said your thyroid is out of whack and the nightmare began….

According to neurology, repeated blows to various areas of the brain, can impact thyroid function… and taking the HGH I was taking, was impacting those numbers…

It will be April before I see neurology…. and mainly for tests and answers, no treatment… no drugs… I’ve got this and just want to know what and where and how it impacts the brain per text books and compare to what I actually experience… as for Endo… once they are informed of head injury, they should take a specific track for their testing…. time… lots of time, while they do the dental implants for this to all get done………………………

Eye checkup… I gots good vision, I just got baby gunk in my eyes… they are very dry and that is a byproduct of the stroke at 13 years old… I stared, wide eyed and didn’t blink… and yes… memories are coming back… as for the twitch in my eye… yippee… it’s nerve damage and since my head and face was mothers favorite target…. oh dear… some dude is going to think I winked at them?!?!?!?!?!?!? lol

Day started, new twitter page set up… censorship in America… but they want a right to buy any kind of gun out there, but I can’t speak the truth… their interpretation is just what ever…. you can’t fix stupid, stupid, has to want to fix it’s self….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

We’ll see how long Twitter lets this page stay open… thin skin is an understatement for humans that wear labels….

Democracy destroyed by Christians….Face Book & Twitter Censorship by the GOP!!!

Face book shut down… they closed 2 of pages, because christians don’t like the truth and Twitter shut down a page… but they will let the president spew posion like no tomorrow and attack citizens…. WHY??????????????

WHY???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Are christians hell bent on making the world as miserable as them???

They believe in rape and murder… they have no problem starting wars and they have no problem taking what isn’t there’s!!!!

So why are christians like Trump and his base so afraid of……..

ME??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie and someone must still be alive, that was involved with the coverup of my murder in 1967 at Webb AFB and must be in congress to shut down so many pages of 1 little human among billions…. if you got a better answer, I’m all ears!!!! okay, not all ears…..

@AdorableSpite… still blocked on Twitter… #NotMyPresident #ImpeachTrumpPenceBarrPompeo

No clue about anyone else… but after the last couple doc appts… my BP was elevated… so I decided to take it while watching Holmes be shouted at by Jordan… why do christians yell??? anyway… my BP was up there and I mean up there… so I waited a while an Hill was talking so I took it again and down it’s coming…. just wow….

Wow, that a impeachment hearing is impacting me that much…. and I realize… wearing that uniform did mean something to me… maybe not to the others that ruined my reputation and destroyed a childs life… no, my job meant something, as did my time on Honor Guard….

It is sad to see what is happening… I still have a great dislike for humans that hide behind labels, like christian or muslim…. and are total hypocrites…

My story is not new… it is so old, just look at Mary, who lied about Jes’us… she was raped… end of story… but could she weave one… so can I, as I’ve noticed….

My anger towards those humans that use a label will walk with me the rest of my life, just as the scars and damage to my body walks with me, because of those humans, called christians….

Nothing I can do about what was… that part of the journey is coming to an end… and in a good way for me…

The opportunity for the players who killed and beat a child to death…. had an opportunity to own their lives and be a part of mine… they declined and turned to the man made god Jes’us……. thrown away for religion??? not a snow balls chance… just bullies, being cowards and not owning what they did… just like Trump and the GOP…..

Still waiting for my BP to come back down… to much of the impeachment is like the life I lived… I blew the whistle… I tried to force their hand after the rapes… and men in power… protected men in power…

Maybe some day, equality won’t just be a word….and christians will no longer have power over my life…

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Russian Twitter in USA has me blocked….

I get that this is likely just a mistake, but after 24 hours… not so much…

When you have worked with the KGB, Saudia Arabia to name a few… and you looked like I did in the pictures of me in Marine uniform… need I say more… Honest, I never got it, when I was young… it was very uncomfortable…

People remember you… and I can’t remember the number of times I have been traveling around the world and someone walk up to me when I was younger and ask me…. “Do you remember me”…. and 99% of the time I did not… an I didn’t know at that time about the brain injuries and seizures….

Twitter blocking me is not so much about the picture being recognized as my voice being silenced again by men in power, protecting men in power and women… bless your hearts, some of you honestly think your life is nothing without a man in it?!?! Honest you can’t fix stupid….

So I used hubby’s twitter account to bring attention to being blocked and some asshole threatened me, and I turned the tables on them… have at it dude…. I can open another twitter account…. I have many email address’s…. and many names to use… so dude from London… have at it…. giggling as I write… people think they have so much power, until you show them the mirror… they are after all only human, as Trump is finding out….

Listening to Hill this morning reminded me of the lady I worked with, who was our connection to the Japanese Emperor’s office and Military, Japans that is…. she was so smart and professional and I learned so much from her…. polishing me, is what she did… she took off my rough edges… Ms. Hill is that kind of diplomat… impressive…. and most of all honest…

Not sure if I’ll do anything about Twitter… it’s been fun and I had followers that were starting to build… but you have humans that are so afraid to just believe in themselves… they got to make a god, they can believe in, because that bag of flesh and bones, just isn’t worth it….?????? That I’ll never get, when it comes to religion… sell your soul for what never was….

We are busy as usual… trying to find the right dark color paint for the ceiling… what I got was to brown, want more blue gray color….

Hubby planted more trees… that makes about 50, we have planted on our acre… always give back to the land… every property we have bought in the last 20 years… we have planted over 100 trees….

Eyes today and hopefully a perscription for glass’s… tired of getting my face close to the pan when cooking… big eyed emoji here… distance, I guess is good, I don’t squint at the TV or when walking or out an about… so I guess I recovered well….

Dental for implants is a couple weeks away and I was shocked I got an appt., so soon… been studying what they do… the worse part… the damn shot in the roof of the mouth to numb you up… if they do a lot in the maxilla at a time… I may take general anesthesia, so the shots aren’t so damn painfull, or at least I won’t notice them…. Denture works and I am building the sores the dentist wanted for the next adjustment, oh yea……………………..

All in all, no complaints… pushing to exercise and do all the ones PT taught me… walk that mile every day… and just get up and move more often, instead of sitting… after getting up early yesterday for the impeachment hearing… we slept good last night and woke late for the hearing… so something is working… I was able to eat… but… the weight is coming off…

Excited to see the next 2 years go by… and not excited… means time away from the little ones…. but from what I read… we are looking at 2 years for them to do my dental implants, possibly longer…. so 2nd home, big possibility…..

Cool mornings, blue, gray sky color outside… like I want for the ceiling… going to be a lovely day on Hawaii… guess when I do christmas cards… let everyone know… if you want to visit us… give us a couple months heads up and no more than 10 days for the visit… here we go again….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

And yes, those damn dentures are pain, like no other… but…. I have to eat…

Who’s Screwing with the Internet???

Trying to do work… and not getting anyplace with most sites I am hitting….

Tried to do twitter this morning and got locked out, reset password, requested a text with code and got nothing… but 4 hours of being blocked from Twitter… so much for Freedom of Speech… guess that only applies to christians an republicans….

Tired of watching and listening to the impeachment… the GOP treat Americans like they are sitting in a church and need to be instructed on how to wipe their own ass…. jeez…..

Democrats… are just having a field day…..

Trump was beyond pissed when he headed for the flight…. and that was sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!

So who ever doesn’t like my words… they are blocking them just like Face Book did…

Sure they are American and believe in the constitution… bet they are hoping Trump gets re-elected so they can continue to suppress the truth… go figure on that one…

As for the internet… something is happening… I expect twitter just got freaked over all the tweets yesterday and got nosey suspcious, what ever and it will clear by end of day… if it doesn’t… Censorship at its best, which is what the corrupt christians intend… Salem Witch Trials ended in deaths… Trump is throwing America under the bus, so christians can tell women what they can or can’t do with thier own bodies… slavery alive and well in America….

Have a feeling what we went through in 2016, which resulted in everyone going to VPN’s….. is happening again… someone figured out how to interrupt us again and change the feed to where ever on the dark web….

Oh well… I may just have to set up a new twitter…..

Beautiful day on Hawaii, sun shining, rain off and on… sound of birds and occasional traffic…. nice when it’s this quiet and our TV is off till later today…. we are burned out on the rhetoric and mostly… the republicans thinking we are as stupid as them and as corrupt….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Well Bummer….

Been reading about implants, now that the VA started the process…

What sucks, I will need some additional bone an when the rods are put in, no smoking😳😳😳

There went my pain reliever….We always told patients no smoking or sucking for 72 hours after extractions… so the bone an socket close an heal an don’t hurt…

With implants, its all about the bone fusing with the titanium rod, an I really do not want problems while healing…

My writing will get interesting…I’ll be straight, no goofy…should be fun…okay maybe…

Sgt USAF DAV I remember Margie…

Just Can’t Fight it……

TV on and we are watching the impeachment… if I have to listen to both sides… at least when the GOP starts raising it’s rude voice…

Mute gets used…..

What happen to being adult and civil in America????

Chrisitians….

Sgt. USAF DAV

Success……

Friday will be 2 weeks since the last of the rotting roots were removed, that I bitched about for years… blood showed no infection…. yea… but that was knocked out when the first mess started….

Yesterday, dentist did the adjustments I asked for… and he looked for sore areas… and I told him, you won’t see any… mouth was just to sore from the extrations to wear the denture for long… but I was wearing it and trying over the last couple of weeks to eat with it….

Well, last night I did and it felt good to eat a real meal and chew it and swallow, without causing the spasms down my tube…..

Didn’t get to eat much… but I ate and didn’t get into anything in the night… so tummy was happy and slept till it was time to do it’s job….

This morning… after putting a bunch of glue in the denture…. I cooked breakfast and a crunchy english muffin and the works…. got eaten…

Again, much slower than I have, over the last 10 years when all this dental work started being a problem… in fact my front bridge work, broke the night before they took the transmesh out… got a good laugh out of the surgical ward signing all I want for christmas is my 2 front teeth… surgery was just before that holiday in 2009….

Pain… yep, the gums hurt… but not as bad as before… removing those roots in the molar area… seems to have been the issue with that pain… as for the front bridge and it’s roots… that tissue, still sore, but, it’s not been 2 weeks…

So yea!!! I can eat… off the candy, ice cream diet… put more exercise in my day, every day and see if I can get my thyroid to respond that way… if it doesn’t… I should be seeing someone in Endo by Jan or Feb…. and likely on some kind of thyroid med… just need Neuro on this too….

Other than discomfort from the dentures and the fact one area of my lip is getting chopped on when I eat… it’s getting there… not great, not comfortably… but tolerable enough for me to function and quit hiding in my house…. so eating out, just got put back on our activity list, when out and about….

Listening to the impeachment, just reminds me what I went through and how the minority covered up rape and attempted murder, in order to protect the base commander from being fired in 1981…. 1st sgt was fired… it was his kid that tried to kill mine!!!

It’s disgusting what religion has done to our democracy… and I told hubby…. that bucket list for that garlic farm, just gets bigger every day…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember Margie…..

TV OFF!!! Tired of GOP liars!!! Fed up with the highjacking of the Constitution!!!

I am neither Republican, Democrat or Liberal… let alone dumb ass Socialist….

I am just an American who is fed up with a minority of religious bigots trying to hijack the constitution and make it as warped and sick as the bigots are!!!

I wish I had the fortitude and compsure Vindman showed and the Ambassador as well as Williams….

I was there I had the truth twisted to suit the needs of the minority and my life and my children’s lives have never been the same… no matter how hard I fight the corruption… christians and their dirty tricks get believed over truth….

When women have gotten justice or recognition for what they went through in the military, it gives me no solace… I will never have justice… the rapist will continue to live lives free of prosecution…. 20 minutes of action behind a dumpster is how men in America look at it… especially those that cry religion and hide behind it and avoid the laws…

They keep saying, I keep saying, no one is above the law in America… but they are… they are hiding in plain sight…. and thy name be chrisitian….

It’s disgusting, gagging and above all illegal… but when the minority have the say and the majority just goes, it’s not affecting me, so why bother…. we end up as a nation in the mess we are in….

I keep wondering where is the mental health professionals in America… right now… I have zero respect for your silence…. and zero faith in your profession…………………………………………..

Sgt. USAF DAV atheist and fed up with the high jacking of the constitution…..

Speculate to stay OFF of mans drug Levothyroxine… the way to control women…

I have written about this drug from hell…. I also wrote about it, when the drug became toxic to me and it ultimately cost my doctor her job with me… because I fired her for not listening…..

I also get that my numbers can be dangerous, if they continue for a prolonged time and can cause heart issues… well………………..

Hold on to your big girl panties, because this ride, just became bumpy…..

I did the research and yes, sugar can impact Hypothyrodism, which is what I have had since 1993… about the time in my life, I got less active…

No longer in the military… not chasing after kids… working at a desk, mostly… yep…. old age hit in my 30’s…. damn that was sneaky….

I hate exercise… I have had a great dislike for physical activity, since I died at the age of 13, in Big Springs, Texas… the reason I write this goofy blog!!!

Before that… always going, playing, and active…

Now, it’s got to be done attitude and sit on my ass when finished for an indefinite period….

By the way… my blood sugar hit me about the same time in 93…. and yep they are connected… this thyroid and sugar thing that can cause A1C…..

So what do I do… motivate… I keep telling myself… if I have no problem going back on the drug from hell that nearly drove me insane last christmas… go for it…. and I sit here an remember, vision, headaches, neurological problems, mobility problems, cognitive problems… none of which have been an issue, since quitting the Levothyroxine in Jan of this year….

I know from my own past, and the hell I have already journey through… I can do this… I don’t need anyone to encourage me or push me or do anything… and hubby knows better than to open his mouth….

No, this… just like hubby dealing with his demon from the past…

This little demon of mine… a traumatic brain injury in 1967, altered the person I was suppose to be… and stole my life….

It’s up to me to take it back……

But!!! I still hate exercising…. I am going to be oh so sore, before I let them do blood again…

challenge accepted….

I Remember… Margie…

current weight 152… how much will I loose and will I do it??? tune in next year for a conclusion to this ongoing saga…. toodle loo…..

You know you are stoned, when you forget about call blocking…. oh dear….

I’ll be the first to tell ya straight up about scams… been exposed to them my whole life, by the cons that raised me… till I left home at 18….

And you would think with a High IQ, Edetic memory and a hubby who consistently made Deans list in college just 5 years ago… we would have it together…. uh, yea, right… not this household….

Not sure the night it happened… but we have the police phone number on the cell, for non emergency… we do live in earth quake territory on Hawaii….

Well, it had been a long stressful day, I had been busy and worn out that day and so was hubby… after a meal, that I could eat…

We sat down an smoked a bowl… and it was some stuff from the Medical Marijuana store… much stronger than what we grow… a couple of bibs, could have been used that evening… we went to lala land and forgot our pain for a while… and the phone rings…

Of course, just like anyone else, we have all the features on the land line and caller ID tells me it’s from Jamaca and we know it’s a scam and ignore the phone… and it goes to answering machine…

Well they called 4 times in a row and we both just kind of got like, what the “F” type and I unplugged the phone and couldn’t find the cord for these goofy stand alone things and the phone kept ringing so hubby called the cops… and bless the heart of that young soul… I bet she had a good laugh on us old folks…

Hubby is explaining what’s happening, I’m trying to get to the cord to unplug the main unit and the lady comes back from a 911 call and simply says… “Call Blocking”………

Needless to say, I googled our company to find out the code and hit it on the phone and that was the end of the robo Jamaca calls….

Moral of story…. never call cops about robo calls when you are old and mostly…. stoned on your ass…..

We have a note on the frig now for us short term memory problem people that tells us how to block calls….

It may not be funny to you… but our phone only rings for appointments and business… our kids text or don’t talk to us… and our friends, do the same, text, email or don’t call… why??? We can’t hear on the damn things… hubby has hearing aids and I have severe ringing in my ears for over 20 years… so we gots a refresher course on what not to do and what to do…

Thank you Pahoa police department or how ever the call was routed… you made this old couple have a good memory about Hawaii and Jamaca…

I Remember… Margie…

HGH SeriVital & Levothyroxine…

Today… fun day… dental adjustment to denture… in an out…

Stopped at Home depot for some ceiling paint… trying a new trick to hide flaws…

On to my doctors… and after a hour of sitting on a wood bench… pain level off the chart and I still have not taken pain meds for the last 24 hours… yea…

Get back an everything is hunky dory, except my bp is elevated… white coat syndrome… I have normal bp…. but my thyroid numbers are real high… and not a good high…

So I requested, again, a referral to Endochronology… and lets try and get in with Neurology and I’ll make that appt Thursday… and figure out, what’s going on…

I haven’t taken SeriVital now for about 3 weeks and off it 2 weeks before blood and my numbers climbed… Now this HGH is an interesting amino acid…

By injection form the human growth hormone does a lot of good… by pill form… the jury is still out… but I had a hint, it impacted the brain, mainly those glands that do with hormones and it looks like I was right… because…

When I was taking the SeriVital… my numbers in the TSH stayed consistent… and this blood test… TSH was big time high, enough to get my attention and be more aware…

So try and get in with Endo and see if I can see neuro… but go back on Levothyroxine just because… after what I went through last year this time… not happening… that psychosis was beyond scary… it was destructive….

I could jump back on the levothyroxine and allow my TSH to get back to perfered levels… I can also, jump in the car or get online and order the SeriVital from Costco… it was on sale the other day…

That would just cloud the issue… in order for me to know if this is all connected… I need more testing and Neurology and Endo… they do know their stuff…. and with my TSH so high, that might explain the fatigue and as I write this the aha moment happens… all things are connected… the other level on my blood that was high…………….SUGAR……. at 115 and that’s not a good number…

Okay, so, If I am getting this right… if I back off the sugar… and go back to tea and coffee as my sugar source and what comes from food…. the fatigue should back off and the thyroid levels should come back down….. I may be doing this to myself????

With brain injury and the fact that the back of my head received a lot of blows and primary memory function is deep inside… but if I got the head injuries I think I got… everything is rebooting and I am impacting it with the sugar…………………………..because of the failed dental work and not being able to eat a proper diet like I was…. all things are connected……..

Lots of sugar consumed the last month… and for me… I mean lots… even in the middle of the night, I was hitting the M&Ms……………. an yes they leave marks in the hand… thin candy anymore….

Okay… so I got some things to get out of my reach… some discipline to throw into my routine and force myself to eat my normal diet and get used to wearing dentures…. oh not so fun… truly fight to keep your natural teeth…

After the holidays, I’ll get blood done by the doctor, if I haven’t seen Endo by that time and see, if adjusting my diet, impacted the TSH levels….

Endo… one field of medicine that confuses me, because of chemistry… not my strong suit….

Last post op eyes in a couple days…. hoping that is good news… and other than the thyroid, my blood was excellent… so, to me, it looks like I have some work to do with my hand to mouth….

I have heard for years how addicts didn’t ask to be an addict… it’s the same motion… be it food or drugs… only you can make yourself do it, via a spoon to mouth or needle to arm… it’s always about one simple thing in life….

Our choices…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

So tired of Christians in the U.S. Government employment, lying and stealing from the American people….

Listening to the news this morning, as it poured rain over Hawaii… I was struck at how many times these people that are working for you and me, who call themselves… I don’t call them, they call themselves christians….

And they are raping you as you watch and some of you support it….

I have seen corruption in government since 1971….

It is not the agencies that are corrupt… It is the humans, your mom & dad, brother or sister, aunt or uncle… who works there… and I saw lots… and lots of corruption since 1971….

From the time I worked federal service in 1971 till I went active duty in 1977, to when I quit working federal service in 1996… corruption…. and by people who always told me they followed some form of religion….

After that many decades of seeing it, working along side it… religion is destroying our democracy and taking our freedoms as individuals….

When corruption went down over Nixon… it was in your face all the time, long before Cable TV and internet…

Now… it’s so much in your face… you wonder if there is another planet you can move too… because the people that are mentally ill…. Are taking over the planet…. all you got to do is look at the church and the government….

They are coming for us all…..

So, bucket list…… garlic farm, moat…. in between 2 tall mountains, perched on top of one… like Wil E. Coyote…. and I’ll be set…..

Goofing aside… you hope that those who work in the jobs do them and that the constitution can withstand this onslaught of dismantling by christians, Trump and Russia…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Davey Crockett & Bagwells???

Been doing more research, when I can see single letters, instead of 3 of the same one…. yea, perscription this week after post…op….

As for Crockett and the Bagwells I descend from….

It looks… like we are descended from the same grandfather… except for me, it’s about 5th or 6th great grandfather….

Davey Crockett is a son of my gg’s kid… don’t ask me to go back again… it hurt, figuring out this much….

There is so much lore and gossip and family stories…. that, finding facts… is like avoiding Fox news… Fake does me no good….

So… from what I have found… Dave Crockett, the greatest frontiersmen ever… is a cousin…. we come from the same granpa…. so, that’s cool….

As for Morton, the VP… he is the same, a great grandfather and he descends from the Faunce line that were pilgrims…

From being among the first immigrants to touch the soil of the Americas… to being related to Ben Franklin, Davey Crockett, Wyatt Earp, VP Morton and oh my goodness is there ever so much more….

Men and women who made our nation great and kept the church and state apart….

It really does make me sad to see what christians are doing to the democracy my forefathers fought and died for….

Remember….. the Alamo…..

Truly honored to carry their blood and DNA inside this mortal package….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Love these Aha Moments… Anger triggered the Abnormal Brain Wave…

We know according to the EEG, that I have 1 maybe 2 abnormal brain waves that kick in at the weirdest times??? or is it just normal for me???

Explanation of this confab….

We live in a typical Hawaiian home, the eves, stick out real far, to keep rain from coming in the windows… an when the summer sun isn’t so high that area under the eves dries out, because when hubby waters it.. the grass grows closer to the foundation… less dust, during the hot months… but…

This time of year, we get less sun and those areas, do not dry out when hubby waters them and all of a sudden I have a slip and slide, when I go to the outside laundry room… why???

Because I am a earth child and hate shoes… and still run around barefoot at 65 years old… but not when I have a slimy wet mess to step on…. and I went sliding the other day… and thus this confab…

Hubby is telling me what he’s going to do today and he starts off with watering under the eaves…. and it happened…

I felt the heat hit the side of my head and I got irritated and told him, what I just told you about the slip and slide…. my irritation, triggered the abnormal brain wave to heighten in activity…..

As it happened and hubby got the message and realized what he was doing wrong this time of year…. it hit me… is it hot and humid… this is still going on… so I grabbed the Ipad, checked the weather, barometer, humidity level, yada, yada, yawn….

Eureka…. I can control the abnormal brain wave, especially when it’s heightened, like it was, when irritated with hubby, not realizing what a hazard he was creating….. problem solving is my special gift… and I prefer to let others figure it out, until they put me at risk and then I pipe up…. sometimes loudly…. sometimes… just irritated like today…. and the aha moments happened…

Getting control of the abnormal brain wave has been my ultimate goal my whole life…

My whole life, since the first injury to the brain at age 5…. I have known… and didn’t know what to do, what it was, how to handle it and why man made medication, turned me into Jekly and Hyde…..

Well now I know… thanks to the bumbling of doctors here on the island finally listening to me….

I have a feeling, if I can convince the doctor to order the tests… a Pet or other high tech brain scan is in my future….

Control…. gaining and recognizing the abnormal brain wave and not letting it be in control… is huge… it’s major….. and most of all it gives me an advantage over others… it allows the memory ability to work more effectively…. but….

Always that word but….. I am smoking pot right now and with all the major scary dental stuff to come… that ain’t going any place soon… I prefer pot over man made mind controlling drugs.. or religion…..

If ya think about it… the evangelicals that support Trump… have so much dirt in their own closets… and they want to enslave women, so we have no rights over our own body… watching the corruption of christianity play out… gives me no solace….

Mental illness is pervasive… one of these days… psychology in court won’t work… because you’ll make some court rule that religion is mental illness in its worse and truest forms…. and just maybe at that time….

Humans will have a say over how they live, what they think and most of all ownership over their own body and soul…. christians don’t like that… skeletons… they have lots of them….

my closet…

Has been open since this blog started… yep that squeaky clean… I have made mistakes… but, who hasn’t….

I didn’t know about the brain injury christians gave me…

its what I do with the rest of my life that matters now….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Memories open up like a flower, you just stop & smell them as it unfurls….

Busy as usual on Hawaii, before it gets hot… the only issue I have… the heat… my neuropathy is not a fan of heat… an global warming bodes ill for people with this condition….

And as I am going around a memory unfurls before my eyes… hubby is telling me his adventure this morning, opening up more of our acre and as his voice fades in the background, I see a little girl……………………………..

She is getting up in the middle of the night… hungry… always hungry…. we are living in that brand new trailer the folks bought in Kansas… before we moved to Alabama….

Alabama… that state holds a lot of horrors for this little girl… and the first horror of living in that trailer was the boob incident… the picture was used in the blog… it’s the school picture… the marks of that beating still visible in the picture from the head on down…. that trailer was the start of the night time …… building for dramatic effect… oh just think of that piano chord… and that will be when my memories pick up…

So between the TV interview in Kanasa, before we bought the trailer… and before the birth of David…. I got my first brain injury that I remember… that means… shaken baby syndrome was likely… Freda had no patients with crying babies and I was sick my first 6 months of life… and it never got better… the blow to the backside at about a year old was just the tip of the ice berg of abuse against Margie…

And once Peggy was born and her ovary got a cyst and caused her to grow to fast… she was able to join in on the abuse… her finger prints are on my neck in the boob incident school picture…. Margie didn’t stand a chance….

The memory that opened… these back stories all have import on this memory….

That is when dad was at the bay of pigs and Freda beat the crap out of me again…. and this time… I was strangled an lost conciousness…. such good christians…

This is when it started… eating the ex-lax choclate at night… to keep my bowels from backing up… IBS with constipation and a 8 year old figured it out…. I would steal a piece of fresh bread from the bag… this is what my life became at 8… trying to keep from being hungry and keeping my insides working… the beginning of the never ending nauseau… likely from the beatings changing my rib cage with so much calcification, that by the time I was 25 and in the military… my rib cage looked like that of a 65 year old woman… and doctors asked and I told them what Freda told me… nothing ever happened to me……………………………………………………….

The night time frig raid… started after that beating around the time of the bay of pigs and we were in Alabama…

Alabama would hold that memory… of the beating and the subsequent rape by a Staff Sargeant in his home as I babysat… just before dad went to Vietnam…. this is when I picked up Interstatial cycstitis…. and illness to this day that is painful in the bladder and caused me surgeries that were never necessary, because Air Force doctors knew more about my body than I did… 100 % Service Connected veteran, because of their ignorance and my amnesia…. sometimes that bucket of shit… smells damn good….

Alabama… it’s where the digestive issues started, that I live with today… 57 years later…. I was 8 years old when Freda beat me to death and Peggy strangled me till I suffocated…

Margie… she never stood a chance against those so called good people known as christians…

That’s what these people call themselves… good christians are Trump, Mulvaney, KellyAnn, Jordan, Mcarthy…. these are the people you elected that are dismantling our democracy… so Russia can move right in…. think I’m wrong…

Well you can’t fix stupid and I would go to jail if they let me fix it…

Enough said.. and a piece of the amnesia puzzle is resolved… I am hoping for more…..

I Remember… Margie…..

My Master Plan and then Trump comes along….

Amnesia…. who would have thought???

When the Air Force shrink said I was narcacistic, I knew I was being set up… and I have taken over 6 of those advanced psych tests…. not one of those came back with what the Air Force drummed up…. but…. his words impacted my mental health… until………………………..

I quit taking all the medication the Air Force had me on and the VA continued for 13 more years…. including Premarin…

I repeatedly asked my mother… even asked her just before she cut me off, when she found out I remembered…. and she refused to give me information that might make my quality of life better… it really has never been all that great, quality of life that is…….

I watch DC and Trump with his corrupt religious base and men like Jordan & Graham that cover up rape and I wonder what happened to ethics and morals in America and that aha moment happened… Christians…..

Last night I dreamed… I dreamed anything but Margie… no PTSD nightmares… just comedy of errors of watching christians fight so hard to tell women what our rights are…. such a crutch this religion thing… such an enabler to not own your own life… blame it on all, but you don’t take responsibility for your choices….

The amnesia is such an annoyance… it popped into my waking mind this morning, when I realized, I didn’t have nightmares and dreamed of Trump and that corruption…. watching America be raped and sodomized by chrisitans… seems to have taken the spotlight off my own nightmare…

I have hope, I always have hope, that I will remember the specifics of a couple moments in time in my childhood….

I traced it back to when I lost my memories and it was Texas…. my sister and mother made sure I was injured again on Japan within a year of that major head injury and 1 last blow to the head at 17, gave me another mini stroke… which took the rest of the memories I had clung too….

Most of what I lost has come back, or at least what is important in this journey to remember….

Keeping my contact with my birth family at zero… keeps them from being able to insert the lies they have come to know as truth…….

I told hubby last night before bed… my life has been so quiet and relaxed, when it comes to my family… only because NO ONE IS CONTACTING ME!!!! YIPPEE!!!!

The drama they kept throwing into my life is no more and ghosts of memories float by… elusive, faint… but a hint of what was….

As with missing a limb, finger, toe, teeth… you miss them…. lose a twin and you have a gapping hole so large, nothing will fill it…. that is my amnesia…..

I don’t dwell on it… I allow things to just happen… I don’t go looking for the memories anymore… if they are going to open up… they will do it, when I least expect it….

I have hope… I have so much hope, I will remember all, before Freda & Peggy & Larry die… that is 1 communication I so want them to know about…..

I Remember…. Margie…. and lets hope that happens…..

Fear of the Unknown… 52 years of Amnesia and counting….

When I told hubby that I had a story to tell about something that I have had nightmares about for 50 years… I got his attention…

The news was plastered with the 26 killed by the airman in Sutherland Springs, Texas… and Texas and Airman… was the trigger to remember my own death…

When you live in the fear mode all your life and you don’t know why… it takes a toll… not only on the body, but the brain and most of all… it wears at the soul…..

I asked… oh I asked… so many times I asked… did anything happen to me as a child… and always I was told….

No…..

The MRI was the nail in the cross for the family… they had lied… for so long… they had lied and they had forgotten the lies… so when confronted with the lies… they had no clue… and they gave themselves away…

The hyprocripsy of these people who know their god… must be the same one Trump and his base pray too… the ones that want slavery to be alive in America, by telling me what I can do with my body….. that fight is still ongoing, because women think they need men… honest you can’t fix stupid…

The fear… the not knowing… it was once all consuming…

Now I wait… and I hope… that the neurologist was right and that the only reason I don’t remember….

Because I don’t want too…..

I Remember… Margie…. someday she will remember…………………….

Stone is guilty!!! Ambassador is beyond Awesome…. and Hawaii is home for a while longer….

After searching for that audio recording of the “Nudist Colony”… it’s on the internet… and not a damn thing I can do about it… it is out there and it is obvious someone is stealing from blog sites like mine that are public… honestly you peeps that bored with life???…

Crooked humans have been a mainstay in my whole life… they are called…. christians…. they can’t stand on their own two feet, so they drag everyone down to the miserable level they live at…. have a field day…. at my age…. what ya gonna do… but laugh at stupid… everything of value is protected….

Christians have been trying to destroy me, since they killed me… they don’t like honest people who do good in the world, without adding a label of religious belief behind the work… I am not sorry to disappoint… but christians destroy life… not promote it…

Watching the action in DC, just reminds me of what Nixon pulled and Stone being found guilty… just made me pee my panties… in a manner of speaking…

I have known, since the AF covered up my rapes and the rape and attempted murder of my kids… it wasn’t the organization that was corrupt… it was the humans with the false idea that image is more important than life….

Sounds a lot like what Trump is doing isn’t it???? What happened to me and my kids in 1981 thru 1983…. is just the tip of corruption by christians in government….

Having lived in countries that don’t have democracy… christians will do all they can to dismantle ours… and frankly… may I call you Frank??? Christians won’t like the way the world works without democracy… because those countries are exterminating those christians…

Becareful what you wish for christians… what you fantasize about, will be nothing like what you’ll get… I know… I’ve been there….and death is just that… no heaven, no hell… just total and complete darkness… I got to visit it, because of christians…

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…

Face Book Accessed my Blog??? I’m not on Face Book… Account deleted by them???

Maybe too early in the morning… no clue, long night and listening to the ambassador… wow… she’s good…

But I looked at my blog and there it is… Face book and access to an audio recording in my blog???

Okay, I don’t have a face book account… it was deleted about 6 months ago… so how could anyone, access the blog, via face book, if nothing is out there on face book that is mine??? Especially since It was deleted after they blocked me… Face Book that is…!!!

So if you think using face book is safe… Think again…

Now don’t get me wrong… you can have all my pictures and audio and you won’t be able to duplicate me… I don’t use my natural voice and I don’t use pictures that can identify me… so have at it…. also our credit is frozen….

Been down identity theft road before, because of the federal government giving out my social security number… El Paso VA, sure has a lot of explaining to do… but that director is one I filed a IG complaint about and he was fired…..

I imagine in a couple weeks, I’ll get a phone call for a consult sometime in the next couple of months… and if I don’t like the guy… I can go to Oahu… oh joy… flying on Hawaiian airlines with morbidly obese people and not able to be comfortable… ya know… I told hubby… we may just start packing an head home and get a specialist there… flying back and forth… not really interested…

Pain is the normal every day pain I have lived with my whole life… haven’t put any dentures in this morning and won’t until I need to eat… okay, big sigh on that one… they hurt like a SOB and eating is becoming something I avoid… or do it in a hurry so, the pain is done with quicker…. what a mess the VA created….

Having lots of tachycardia lately… not sure why… stress is a big factor in that condition… so, I’m thinking I need to get back into meditation again and push for more physical activity… wear myself out, so the brain is too tired and sleeps…. lots of stress lately… lots….

Day started… nights are cool, and days are still hot…. next week appointments for followups and find out about my vision… it’s just flat out wonky…

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie… use face book at your own risk… identity theft cost me in the thousands by an ex husband that died recently, and his crap came off my credit report and I have been married to my current husband 25 years!!! Transunion is corrupt… they were the only ones with his shit on my report… the others removed it….

PTSD, TBI & POT….

I love whiskey sours… was my line on Okinawa… and got introduced to singapore slings… but I never was a drinker… until I married hubby and boy, could I drink the man under the table and still, function… okay, maybe, some what?????

Not knowing I ever had strokes, seizures or traumatic brain injury, left me open to every possible death call out there….

Joined the military…. got pregnant twice… went under major anesthesia more times than I can count and thinking… El Paso has some explaining to do over that leg surgery in Nov 2011… post ox was not normal… you know who you are at that VA……

When I stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her, just before we left… that I was missing memory and she refused to answer me, instead gave me an excuse and refused to make eye contact and the moment in time was gone, to redeem herself…..

she let it pass through her fingers… own her life… no, she prayed to her man made god instead……

When I did the VA elvaluation and had to do the extensive psych testing, which came back…. Above average intelligence and PTSD because of illness… at that time in 2010… they thought I had fibromyalgia… we now know it’s been two forms of neuropathy since I was a child…..

That, along with the behavior of the principal players… Sherlock Holmes would be proud… I deduced what had happen… but I needed proof…

In 2017… when I knew I was headed for some kind of psychosis… I had hubby see neurology and got him tested… when his tests were normal… I knew… it was me…

Within a couple months of those results… the airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas…. on Nov 5, 2017…..

2 days later… Margie woke up…. and by Dec 2018 a MRI confirmed traumatic brain injury, blood on the brain, a stroke or strokes… and possible seizures…

I never knew… but I had an idea……

As I work on trying to piece this all together… I have had to deal with major health issues, that were created by the Veterans health care system…. turned 65 and started using my medicare in earnest… so I could see again… other health care will come in time…

Holidays are approaching… not much will happen the rest of this year, but I will request the referrals and bypass the VA death care… and pay the difference out of pocket, only so that I may get some answers and put some of this to rest….

The pot helps… oh my goodness it helps… I quit drinking when hubby gave it up… I like a cocktail… but got nada in my home… and I’m okay with that and so is my tummy… but the pot helps…

It helps with the pain, it helps with the nonstop stomach upset… it helps with the emotional roller coaster I live daily as I relive the childhood that was stolen from me…

Some of the puzzle is still out of place and not in its proper order… neurology and psychology says this is normal… add some kick ass medical marijuana and I’m good… though at some point in time, just like with the booze… so too will the pot go… just not right now….

Out of all the drugs the military had me on and the VA, plus private doctors… pot has done the most for me and least amount of damage to me… can’t say that for some of the medications the military and VA pushed….

Honestly… exercise is my crux… I hate doing it… but I am fighting myself, to a mindset, that wins… until that happens, the battle continues… at least I walk a mile every day…and we have a clean home….

The next two years will fly by… time always does for me… it goes to quick, not enough time in the day to accomplish all I work at… I really need a magic wand or the ability to wiggle my nose or cross my arms and blink… and poof, all my projects and research done…

I wish….maybe a gremlin will write the book too…. in my dreams………

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

The pain is just tooooo much… Uncle… the VA won…

Yesterday, I did what the doc wanted… in fact, every day since the extractions last Friday, I have worn the denture from hell and today… I just can’t take anymore of it digging into my cheek bones and soft tissue…

We are home till next week… I can wear the lower partial to eat… still got 3 natural upper teeth left, in a row, thankfully and that allows me to eat some… but, always that one little word…

I can’t eat much… and by the time I get done chewing… the spasms in the hernia are full blown and it’s a contest to swallow, before it freezes everything in place in the digestive track and between you and me… that pain is making me anorexic and there is your answer about why I looked malnourished in a couple of the childhood photos….

The damage to my torso, was so severe, it changed my digestive system at 5 years old… and I have lived with this ever since…. first clue for the doctors… the heavy calcification of my ribs at 24 years old, looking like that of a 65 yr old woman… first clue my body… and none of us got it…and I asked mommy dearest… I asked….

Frustration beyond belief… stay positive, think of the outcome as my mouth pain subsides on the maxilla, but not the mandible… that partial is still in, got to be able to eat dinner… skipped breakfast and lunch, because of the pain…. totally out of sighs…. for real……………………………

Pain med taken hours ago, did nada for me… because it’s being inflicted by a device the VA made and no one listened…. no one……………………. and you really wonder why vets give up and roll over and die??? Really????

My face itch’s, especially my eyes… hoping it’s just allergy season starting… for what ever flower it is that seems to get me ever year for a few weeks…. eye surgery, itchy… depression… think clearly….

Nope, time for another bowl… so just maybe my head will quit hurting… doubt it… but hope springs eternal….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Hopes, Dreams and Trump and base come along…. #$%^&*

No clue what those symbols mean… someone sends me a text an uses those symbols to imply something and I got no clue… I speak english and I read english… and don’t do either very well… so don’t expect me to understand todays’ kids and their codes… never could do pig latin either… that is what happens when christians beat your body and damage your brain…. and my sense of humor… oh dear, warped, twisted, conservative and no problem telling ya, your jokes are racist…. and the day has started in earnest and not one sound from Trump and his corrupt base… and I tell ya, KellyAnn, her voice, makes my head hurt… Trump just makes me want to hurl and Mcconnel… well he just reminds me of every man that raped me…..

Adjusting to the fact… that for the next 2 years, if my guess is right… we will be living here, while they implant bone, let it heal, implant more bone, let it heal and implant the posts is what I call them, the anchors for the porcelan replacement teeth…. and go back and see another doctor to have said porcelan crowns installed, and we are done… okay, there is no we…. in this mess… this is little ole me…. who’s depression the last couple of months are thanks to the Veterans Administration and their incompetence and negligent health care…. and people really wonder why vets commit suicide??? Really???

Today, no noise from the fearless rapist running our nation… the more I learn about my ancestry and how connected to the founding of this nation… the more pissed I should be… but….. I know that our founders protected us from crooks and religious zealots…. we have been here before and survived… we will again….

And just maybe, religion will be treated for what it really is… a cash cow….

Sleep is not easy, after yesterdays call… up every couple hours… mind working and thinking… what can I get accomplished for this amount, so when we sell, so we have more to help us with our final home…. always planning… what ya got to do, when you already died… been on that side… fighting to stay on this side…..

Even though the VA has authorized the dental implants and given me options on who does my work…. it doesn’t take away the fact that for 9 years I complained to every dentist about the work in my mouth and pain and most of all… I kept saying… some kind of infection was ongoing….

I was right…. and suffered for 9 years and every doctor including the one I am seeing now, were wrong… and they call this health care in America??? Ya don’t listen to the patient or you let pencil pushers tell you how to treat patients???

Just wow… honestly, just wow…..

The sliding hiatal hernia is on the move… hoping it’s sliding down…. when drinking liquids triggers the spasms… it’s up high and a stomach up high, means less food you can eat… this is so not fun… but it is a by product of the domestic violence at the hands of christians…. I don’t call them parents… they gave up their humanity for a god that doesn’t exist, so they could feel good about beating me to death…. so nope… they are just christians, devoid of humanity…. which is a shame… because we are first and foremost….

Human… at least some of us are…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…..

Happy Dance… ass in recliner tho…..

We went to Kona today, when we could have easily ordered what we wanted and had it mailed to us… it was a good test of pushing me out of my comfort zone, when I feel like total crap… and after the abnormal brain wave the other day… my body, still feels like it is experiencing it….

As for this little confab…..

Just as we were unloading our rig full of stuff from Costco and other stores… the phone rang and low and behold… VA dentist from Oahu about my dental implants…. and I’m still in shock… 100% jaw dropping shock….

What took them so long???????? I asked for implants in May 2018…..

They offered to fly me to Oahu, and I passed… I am fighting to keep my stomach contents down now… flying, not happening…..

So there is a doctor here on our side of the island that has experience with reconstructive surgery… in other words… this may be very scary if he is learning the stuff and I would be a guinea pig….. had enough of that… which is why I fought for a board certified GYN/Urologist for this last surgery… and she was great…

So the doctor gave me the doctor’s name, so I can research his bio and see what people have to say about him and his education…. he does have a 3D x-ray scanner and that is paramount, with reconstructive surgery… it shows where things used to be and it could show old damage from my beatings as a child… my face and head were mother’s favorite target…….obviously…..

Excited…. terrified…. pain, healing… partials, dentures… more extractions… lions, tigers and bears…. oh my…. squeal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be doing my reading… and as for Hawaii… it will be home for the next 2 years as this process is done… and since we owned 2 homes when we moved here… we are seriously considering buying a fixer back home, that we can move into or at least set up as a home, while I get this done here…. mean’s I won’t leave Hawaii, till dental is done… but hubby and pups would leave ahead of me, towards the end… good interest rates… time to pay down debt…. yep, definite possibility…..

Day started way to early with a dog in pain… spondylitis… he has had it, since 8 months old in his spine… he’s why we go to costco for his meds… they are spendy… turned 8 years old last month… best watch dog… but a big baby when it comes to pain… typical male….

Have a nice evening…. time to put my feet up and realize… Hawaii is definitely home for the next 2 years and my face and mouth are going on an adventure… wish they would leave me at home….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…. finally some peace of mind about my health care, dental that is….

Life lesson from GOP corruption…

As a veteran with PTSD…. what have I learned watching America in crisis, like I have been, searching for Margie… Any lesson learned???

I have to adapt to the world, not the other way around….

Reality… Humans are a selfish lot, because we all want to thrive an survive….

For Vets with TBI an PTSD…It is me that will have to adapt… The world will never see it my way, they have to slow down and see….

That is not going to happen in our self promoting society….

Changing my approach to how I view the world, takes any conceptions I have of others an trashing that thought….

Their actions will dictate future interaction….

Impeachment hearing turned off… We have too much to do, to listen to the rehash what has already been proven.., Trump an GOP are traitors to democracy as they hide behind a religion that promotes so much divide an control, makes ya wonder when religion will be out lawed due to mental illness designation….

Sgt USAF DAV I remember Margie……

Holy Crap on a Cracker….ya never know who you are related too…. thankfully not to Trump….

Finding out that I am directly related to David Crockett, was a treat yesterday… and this morning I spent time verifying the relation… It looks like his grandfather is my great great several times back grandfather…. what a treat, to know, that DNA result that shows we have something like 18% French/German… well now we know where that came from….

After looking at the tree… we have many in our family that are founders of America… Pilgrims… the very first white settlers…. and heaven help the weary…. lots of politicians are in the family as well as preachers… oh lordy, help me now came to mind… but I’m atheist… so what do you do, but smile and have fun reading the stories about the people you came from….

So not only is their royalty on mom’s side of the family that dates back to the early AD period of life… Holy Roman Emperor is as far back as I have found thru the Kings and Queens of England… King James… is a 36th or something Great grandfather….

I mean… does it explain the crazy behavior of my own parents… Not a snow ball chance in hell… they made choices in the 20th century that were barbaric and poorly educated…..

My ancestors, thrived on superstitions and some science… I mean Ben Franklin shares DNA with my family….

Knowing the ancestry and looking for the health information on them and reading the stories told… will give me some insight, but not much….

DNA testing gave me most of the answers and my own tenacious pursuit of justice and truth…. and not christians twisted, convoluted form of truth either…

This has and is fun….

We walked our mile this morning… before it heats up… middle of November, and it’s, oh so hot during the day… AC stays on, so I can work….

Mouth is only painful, because of the dentures… and that is a ongoing issue now for 9 years and counting… so thank you Hilo VA for playing god…. I just love being in constant pain, when I wear these dentures and mostly, when I try and eat… headed south to 140 pounds again…. no more sighs left…. just pain……………..

Neuropathy, it’s there, it’s active… the abnormal brain wave hit the other day and left me drained… but I was in control and it’s after math and issues it causes, were minimal, compared to the past ones…. EEG, so need a more extensive one, to understand what is happening….

Exercise, pushing to do them… they help and when I don’t do them… I got only me to blame for that pain….

Eyesight… damn me, but, it’s wonky as hell and I really think I am looking at some kind of laser procedure… hope Medicare pays for it… want to pay off debt, so we can move home……

Thinking about wasting the money and decorating for the holiday… and that thought will pass, when I see the cost involved… we have nada, for decorations…. so much we gave up to move here….

Day started, research needs done, before eyes, tell me I am done….

Have a wonderful day…. we are… hot and sunny on Hawaii…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

I peed my panties…. honest… laughing that hard… Davey Crockett?!?!…..

Direct descendant of Dave Crockett, one T or two… I can’t see tonight… but I had to blow up the periodical and verify the dude is directly related to my father…. the man that beat me to death…. is directly related to one of the greatest frontiersmen of our nation….

Now you know why I fell out of my chair an peed my panties….

Related to Franklin, Washington, now Crockett…..

This just made my Veterans day….

Good night folks… when you dig up the dirt on the family, you never know what you’ll find… I’m waiting on the Hatfield and McCoys to show up next….

Sgt. USAF DAV…. I Remember…. Margie….

Plymouth Pilgrims….

I had no idea that we were part of the Mayflower group or actually 100% part of the founding of America….

And right in front of my face… the Plymouth Pilgrims and it was my great great great grandfather, might of missed a great in that count…

I went on to research some other periodicals and found that Vice President Morton is a direct descendant….

Sometimes doing research about the long past…

Surprises even me….

So, not only were my people among the first to take land from the native Americans… my cousin was the 1st president of the United States… another direct descendant was a vice president and the journey seems to know no end…..

I thought it was fascinating that I was related to the Holy Roman Emperor… but to be related directly to the founders of our nation….

Just wow… I wonder what they would think of Trump and his corrupt religious base??? and most of all I wonder what they would think of their descendant having to fight daily for the health care she earned, by serving this nation….

I’m kind of gob smacked at the moment… I have a lot of reading to do, about those that gave so much for the life I now live….

Sgt. USAF DAV… I remember… Margie….

Word Press Sign In AGAIN???

Really Kids????

What happen to education… programming isn’t all that hard….

So why am I repeatedly forced to sign into an account I NEVER SIGNED OUT OF?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Finding the positive of being a Woman Veteran….

What was and is the positive of being a veteran???

I served…. I did my job… I served….

After my re-enlistment… which was after the rape and attempted murder of my kids on a federal installation…. things changed and not in a good way…

My recovery from the strokes and the advancement of the neuropathy… the removal of my female organs and subsequent chemical change to the brain with man made hormones… I was doomed, yet I survived…

I survived the messed up health care that the government thinks they are so good at… I survived the rapes in the Air Force and outside the military…. I survived my own death and subsequent beatings… all the while being told, that my health issues were all in my mind… Ironically, that MRI says they were oh so right, just not in the way they wanted…. and I win my full disability from the VA and fight daily for my care….

I just wrote out checks for about $2,000 for cataract surgery… money that should be going to debt… instead, because the VA and Tri west are playing god… I was going blind, as I waited to get surgery by a surgeon of my choice…. so I, a 100% service connected veteran…. paid…. again….

With the dental… I have options… I have equity in my house, but we want to leave Hawaii and go home, where round eyes is okay and not hated….

Finding the positive in this… Each day we walk, we run into a sweet lady, my guess Japanese, haven’t asked, but her accent is strong… and she knew I had been ill, so she asks…. another neighbor, asked this morning about my eyes… we laughed… and best of all… it would seem our other neighbors got rid of the chickens and rooster…. we have been sleeping better, not longer… just quieter at night…. hubby sprays for coquis… so, it’s nice with natural sounds to lull you to sleep or the waves crashing on the cliffs….

So, yes, there are positives and negatives… right now the negative is the pain… and trying to eat… I feel for hubby, he feels guilty he can eat, what I spend time cooking and the dogs get most of mine… at least someone is happy… all 8 legs of them…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie… she needs to be my focus… not my health care….

Depression caused by Veteran Health Care System…

Ya know, I thought military health care was crappy… being born into the military and going straight from dependent daughter, to dependent wife, to active duty and finally the death nail… disabled veteran…. my whole life, with very few exceptions… has been under government controlled health care…..Impressed yet???? I’m not……

The few times I didn’t have military or VA health care, twice when pregnant… that was private and I had insurance when I worked for the feds in the early 90’s…. other than that…. all government health care….

In 2001… I won my social security disability… so I have had medicare and VA health care for the last 18 years…. and I used both over the last 18 years… when the VA failed… I turned to medicare, to keep my health care continious…. and consistent… and doctors still didn’t get it right….

Moving to Hawaii, was suppose to be good VA health care… not when you piss off a employee at the Hilo office…. and you file 2 IG complaints against hospital directors that are presidential appointments… you do that….

And you get the kind of care I have gotten for the last 8 years…. crappy and constantly fighting for it…. and it does get old… fighting for it… crappy, I expect it… health care in America is not all that good… I’m walking proof of that….

Reason for the write… I never in all my years ever thought I would lose most of my teeth, because of negligence on the part of my health care system…. I complained of the bridges since the 2nd one was put in…

So, yea… I put the denture they made me in my mouth and I go pop a pain pill so I can tolerate the lower denture, which has been painful for 9 years… the upper area, now devoid of 2 bridges and teeth… that denture is nice to see when I smile, but to eat… not going to happen… I am chewing the inside of my mouth to pieces with those fake teeth… sorry… out of sighs……………………

So yea, I’m depressed… frustrated and pissed… this is taking me away from the task at hand and that is getting to the end of Margies journey… instead I am fretting over how to eat a balanced diet and not throw up what I get down, because I only have 3 teeth to chew with in my whole mouth…………

So yea, I’m tired of women veterans being shit on, while men who tell a bold face lie, get national attention… that dude in Alabama would not lose his benfits for not getting to an appointment, arrangements would have been made… I do hope he gets the mental health help, he obviously needs though… but really… he gets national attention and I sit toothless??? Raped again not by men physically again… but emotionally??? Yep depression is in the house and who wins, is anyones guess….yea for wearing that uniform… so little to be proud about that uniform…..

Sgt. USAF DAV Happy Veterans Day my ass…………………………………………..

Abnormal Brain Wave… seizures caused by TBI or blunt force trauma….

It hit… it was not pretty when it hit…

The room started to spin… I felt warm and the memory washed over me….

TV interview and subsequent beating…. trip to see Johnny & Patsy….. Freda pregnant with David, Peggy twice as tall as me… and I am covered in bruises and have a broken wrist, right little finger is broken and you can see blunt force trauma fractures in my arms…. the legs and knees are bruised and the knees are twice their size… the picture has been used in the blog before…..

It’s that subsequent trip to see uncle and my puking my guts out all over that fancy car…..

And from that moment in time at the age of 6…. I had trouble with motion… cars, roller coasters… anything that moved, without me in control… I was throwing up and more than likely having seizures… if what I just went through is a correct reminder of the events at 5 when the beating happened and trip around my birthday….

The last time the abnormal brain wave did it’s thing and left me a little wrung out, when our company was here in March… I had one… and it was brutal….and lasted much longer….

This time when it started… I did my neck exercises… making sure its aligned… got on the floor and did the spine exercises, making sure those muscles are aware of posture and form… form so important for me…

Hubby jumped up and took care of things for the 20 to 30 minutes it lasted….

It’s not 100% done… but for the most part, it’s over… and this time…. it lost control and I took over control….

I get that my spine is out of whack and not aligned and if I do the things I need to do to keep the muscles strong, the body stays in form and does not put pressure on the nerves going up my spine into my skull triggering the abnormal brain wave…. and there is the aha moment….

The abnormal brain wave, in my opinion… since it’s my body… is because of pressure on the nerves in my neck that are involved with the central nervous system and when Freda beat me at 5 years old, with that thick wooden yard stick… she hit my neck and damaged the nerves and thus….

My abnormal brain wave… it all comes down to posture… don’t believe me???

Did you know that ringing in your ears can be caused by your neck????

The body, the most fun toy on the planet…. and the most confusing….

About 8 months in between the actual abnormal brain wave… and this time…

I took control….

Got a little dinner down… but a bowl of ice cream and blue berries later, will finish, what dinner started…. satisfying my hunger….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie…. I do love when this memory thing works right… another health issue figured out… just need neurology to confirm it….

Remembering the fallen….

my granpa Lt. Miller

I have spent my time today doing ancestry… mostly… updating records on WWI draft records and wow… what a surprise….

As I reviewed the couple hundred that came up for the family, I was amazed, how many of them came home….

You see when doing ancestry, you see, where these people died and 1 out of every 3, died over seas in foreign lands, defending those foreign lands….

My research has taken me all the way back to the American revolution and DNA says Ben Franklin is a cousin… as is George Washington himself, our first president….

I look at the pictures of the graves of our American soldiers who gave all, so people like Trump and his corrupt christian base, could dismantle our democracy….

I also see, the many who followed the revolution and fought in the civil war on both sides…., and each war since…. my family gave all for Americas democracy….

We didn’t put the uniform on for god and country… it’s a nice sentiment… but the reality of the world is… gods are a dime a dozen….

Democracy is rare and fleeting…..

As you celebrate your Veterans day, with picnics, movies, video games and the like…

Remember the thousands of men and women who gave the ultimate sacrafice for your day off…. they fought for democracy and the right to live and chose how we breath daily…. not gods… but democracy…..

Trump and his base want to take those rights from you and Sanders and Cortez want to change our nation to a 3rd world pipe dream….

I wore a uniform for democracy… as did many in my family…. Trump and base just take what was never theres to begin with……

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie…. have a safe Veterans day….

me…… so very long ago…..

Red Pill Life… Blue Pill God…

When I watched the Matrix, I thought, that is a concept I thought of decades ago… as I was working my way out of the chaos of strokes…. and I was just learning computers… how little did I know, my imagiation had some substance….

I watch as Trump and base pursue taking my rights away as a woman… because they believe a heart beat denoates life… It does not… and I speak from experience… I died….

When the heart stops… as long as that brain is still working, you are alive… you can’t die, if the brain works… it’s the head honcho for that bag of flesh you walk around in… and that is what happened to me…

My fathers blow to my chest stopped my heart… but the brain kicked it back into gear and here I sit 52 years after I died… IQ 136 and self aware, with just a touch of edetic memory ability….. and when I died… darkness… nothing but silence and darkness… so I get why people have to believe in gods… that darkness was scary….Until I remembered my death…. and now……as I let a very long sigh out… I know what awaits, when my time comes…. and because of that….

I live…..

My grandkids told me they call us the fun grandparents… because we get out and do things the other grandparents don’t do… roller skating a few years ago… I spent more time on the floor on my back… that’s what they remember….

But that is what they think… because their parents didn’t know us and still don’t today… why???

Because we are still finding ourselves and we chose life over gods…

That way, we are always learning and growing and never wanting to give up on life and quit being young….

Hubby is crippled from RA… me, I fight my bodies betrayal daily… but I still will stop and do a 2 step in the middle of the store…. or skip or start humming…. I live in the moment and each moment is so precious…. why???

Because I lost 9 months of moments that I am seeking….

Red or blue pill… we each chose what gives us what we think we desire….

I desire life…. it was taken once in violence… it was interrupted many times by that violence…. a mans god clouded the life, the stars gave me…

man did not give me life… nor did their gods…

We are made of super novas… and that is who I thank for my life….. an me….

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie

HSAM Hyperthymesia….. Memory ability….

Today’s eyesight, not bad… still got something blocking some vision…. couple more weeks and another post op…

I got to thinking about my memory ability…. At one time I could remember everything…. like a movie camera, ……..was….. my brain…. and thus my mothers nick name for me….”tattle tell”…..

After the first beating at 5 yrs old… it started… the struggle to be me… my guess, they caused seizures for that beating… by the time 8 yrs came around and the boob incident…. that one has ligature marks on my little neck… per the school picture… more brain damage…… When 13 came along and I died and got that nice dent in my right skull…. I lost me, but not all of the memory ability….

For decades, people have said, “ask Maggi”,…. long before goggle came along… and 9 times out of 10…. I was right and If wrong… I owned it… thus the reputation back home…. comment was made at a gathering after Gary died…. about my being a know it all, to me, that is not a insult… I know I am just better informed… not wrapped up in dragons and other bs on tv….

I was reading about HSAM and oh my goodness… I was there, at one time… and it nearly drove me crazy… so in a way… the stroke on Japan… helped to silence it, to a point… not completely… I still have unusal memory ability… but not when I smoke pot… that I will own…. short term, really sucks at that time and everyone gets called sweetie… true story… I do better on alcohol than pot…..

The vivid memories that have remained…. give me ghosts of pictures of what was… but nothing new… no, I think that, what ever Don did to me in Big Springs, Texas… it took from me and its not coming back after 52 years….

Still want to see neurology… with the VA moving on the implants, as they have no choice… I got to be able to eat without pain…. my appointments with the other doctors will be next year and medicare will be my choice… I am so over VA death care….this year…. I’m worn out with all these appointments that go no where…..

Start fresh after the 1st of the year… get a more comprehensive EEG and see if I can learn about the abnormal brain wave and maybe what caused it…. and confirm the neck and some more PT… but I got to be able to afford it too and as I have the answers, just need a little help, their is no rush anymore…. just confirmation on what I already know to be…..

I am grateful, some of the memory ability stayed intact and manifested its self in my PTSD… it help me cope with the trauma of reliving the past…. but I got to recognize… I just don’t have the gift I once had… just a tiny piece of it is left…

Finding the positive out of what others took from your body… not always easy to do… thus the inability for me to forgive them….

I can never forget, what they did…..

I Remember…. Margie….

Venting is good for the soul…

This has been a long 2 years….

I have had major surgery, which, thanks to my dental is not happy with the changes in diet and its been letting me know… a pelvic floor rebuild, because the VA screwed up… not on my bucket list… but likely is for a federal employee I pissed off….. sigh……..

The only positive about this mess…. I can’t munch in the middle of the night, even if my stomach rumbles and tells me it needs sustanance….. it will get denied… I have no way of chewing without the dentures and even then… it’s pain to the max….. I’m out of sighs……………………………………………….

The weight is coming off again… this is the 5th time in 2 years… I didn’t have control of weight loss and it was caused by the VA… and they call this health care?????

At this point… my lower partial and my last 3 teeth on the upper left side, allow me to eat and take in way to much air and cause esphogial spasms and in turn causes the hyatial sliding hernia to move and eating just became a 4 letter word and that pain is worse than a heart attack… you can bank that fact…… hubby has to watch me go through it 9 time out of 10 eatings…. thank you VA……

So the weight is trying to come off…. I barely can eat a meal, let alone a piece of fruit or any kind of snacks… the pain is just to much… and popping these heavy Nsaids, puts my organs at risk and they are all badly scarred by the beatings when I was 5 & 8 years old……

Stay positive… I keep telling myself… the time will pass, the work will get done, the pain will pass…… and I start laughing… but I will remember every bit of it….. honestly, when did I not get it as an adult about this memory thing???

Pot…. I smoked pot and ignored it and just thought, you have exceptional memory…. even now, I get on hubby, when it’s me… because I’m stoned and forgot…. I do have the best partner for this journey…. love of my life and best support ever…..

We did our mile, tried to watch the news and just gave up and started our day…. trying to figure were to hide everything as the holiday season starts… going to town next week to get a Armoire to match our set… I need more storage, and have just enough space for one…. and we are full to the gills…. packing to move home, will not be fun… except knowing we are going home…. which I told our daughter…. not likely for 2 years, maybe 3… but….

With the junk in DC and a recession already showing here… we will be in a position to buy a 2nd home, next year…. so options…. always on the table….

Day going to be warm…. AC will be on… so miss fall weather….

Hopefully the VA will decide to inform me who and what they are sending me too… I may not like the doctor and request a different one… gods these federal employees are not… but you wouldn’t know that by Trump and his GOP…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie and the fact she was born into a democracy, not a religious right wing christian sect….. Democracy, before religion… not all of us are that blind to it’s corruption….

A Thought… is just a Chemical Reaction….

Early on, in trying to understand why I didn’t remember my childhood, I already knew how to take a bad thought and change it or dump it….

I think for me, that is why suicide was never on the plate…. I had already died at 13… lost 9 months of my life and my childhood evaporated into 50+ years of amnesia….. and counting….

Every time I fought the depression, I had to take the negative thought and turn it into a positive… if I didn’t, the dark side would win and I couldn’t have that… it had already been visited once before…. death is darkness… nothing else…

My head hurts, as does my mouth… eating is a chore into a road trip to hell… so it was soft beans and ice cream for dinner an no way am I preggers….though a pickle sounds good right now……

And the negative thoughts come rushing back in asking… WHY????

I blew the whistle… I, like many other veterans filed IG complaints and crappy VA health care is what I have gotten ever since… so someone doing it against Trump, hope their outcome is better than mine…

Waiting on a phone call from some doctor… no clue who, no clue where… just love how the Hilo VA is playing god and not keeping the patient informed… and you think Sanders or Warren can do medicare for all, when they can’t even take care of veterans??????????

22 + a day die from suicide… doesn’t sound like they are getting the care they earned… and all you civilians do is whine…. begging for more, when you haven’t even earned it… yep… medicare for all is a pipe dream……. so is my VA health care………

The negative thoughts have been in the fore front… taking some sleep… taking from my dinner plate… taking from my peace of mind….

So, I’ll wallow in it tonight, only because… my mouth isn’t going to let me forget, how much it is hurting right now…. pain pill taken……… smoking pot, with open wounds, never a good idea… so denture gets worn to protect the sockets and keep them wet… so tired of thinking…. I just want to veg….

and the throb in my mouth reminds me… hello, this is just the beginning…

Oh Yea…………………………………..

Sgt. USAF DAV happy veterans day……. ouch………………………………

Ouch…..

Long day almost over… did blood on the way out of town… hit the oral surgeon and he got tears with the shot to numb up the palete… damn, just not enough tissue…. nubmness is starting to wear off, pain med taken before surgery…. all that said… it was the extractions that caught my attention…

The first 2 he did this summer, came out easy, obvious the bridge work had been leaking for years and the roots were rotting in my mouth causing an infection…

Today… the bridge next to the one that failed first… the tooth that the dentist in Arkansas broke… it nearly fell out… what ever she did to that tooth… they didn’t properly protect it… as for the other tooth that was the anchor for that bridge… that one hurt and it will hurt, till tomorrow… which is about right, for extrating a healthy root, that has no tooth… it just means the bone on the right side, has been infected and inflamed for a couple years, until they started removing the roots, after the dental work failed…. trillion sighs….

That clinic did not get the referral for implants, which is disappointing… so, no clue if we are talking Hilo doctor or not… I am not interested in getting on a plane and going to Oahu…. thanks but no thanks…. doctors are right here… VA can hire one… If Melania Trump can stay in a hospital while a vet is required to get on a plane after major surgery…. the VA can hire a doc on this island….

Cranky, tired… spent too much money on stocking up our supplies… and we are down for the next week or at least the long weekend… no cars, no driving… just home….

Denture is useless for eating… but it works to allow me in public… which will be for appointments only and necessary shopping…. you’ll find me at home, till the VA fixs the mess they created… funny how they made me a prisoner isn’t it…..

Typical corruption in government…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

PTSD is so on the losing end…..

Tadah… pretend you see me… I gots teeth…. fake, but… I got teeth….

Walked in the clinic and if you look at me, I look like death warmed over… I’m that tired… last nights panic attacks took their toll…. and I am so glad I recognized what was happening and just dealt with it… not run from it….

Always that word it… everything is a IT…..

Everyone was professional and nothing was said of the behavior on Tuesday… I can live with that… but can the young professional… it does build character, to own your life and grow, not stagnate….

Anyhow… after some adjustment and him convincing me… I will get used to having a lip and drinking or sipping my water… and I concede, he is right….

Right now, it’s painful… and trying to eat dinner tonight should be interesting…. tomorrow the roots are removed and it should fit like a glove, when the swelling goes down….

I still have heard nothing from the VA about the dental care… only knew something was happening because Sen Shatz’s office informed hubby, who has been raising hell about the lack of care for this woman veteran…. he’s a keeper….hubby… not sure about the senator…

Anyhow… pain meds in purse… pain meds refilled and in time, till they do the implants… I will adjust to the pain… I’m just hoping it’s not a night time pain issue, like last night….. but he adjusted it very well, so, problems should be minor… when I say pain meds… I just take 600 MG of NSAIDs, which over time can damage organs and cause heart issues… but they work…

Hot outside… assholes on the street… cops cracking down on the nit noids who have huge flags flying on their vehicles… which, is beyond a hazard… it’s a death waiting to happen…..

Long day done for me… early bed… off to have surgery and shopping…. and home again….

Have a safe and wonderful Veterans weekend… this vet… is going to hide, delibertly…. and sleep a lot……

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Moral of story about PTSD on the losing end… I made myself call the clinic and get an appointment and stood up for myself with the system… and actually got better treatment today, than before…. and most of all… I didn’t lose it… after fixating on it the last couple of days…. PTSD is so losing…..

50 years of Amnesia an a mass killing in Southerland Springs, Texas….. triggered the memory of my own death….

I hear the loud pounding of the jackhammer… breaking lava rock and I wonder… if we hadn’t moved here… would the opportunity still have presented it’s self to trigger those repressed memories???? and I get up and close the windows to block the sound….. but would I have ever remembered Margie????? Nov 7, 2017… I did… remember….

It’s a sobering realization to know your mother, brother and sister know you died and they lied to protect the woman that did it… your own mother…. if you think Trump is a master manipulator… you don’t know Jack…. look at the Riverside 12 as an example of abuse…. woman led…..

That part of this journey, remembering my death, accepting the facts that not only was your dad abusive… your mom was the ring leader…. and you just move on… because she knows her god and will never own what she did… she won’t even give me life saving health information… so doctors have to go on test results as we piece the puzzle together of Margies death… and on going recovery 52 years later……

I watch the drama Trump created himself and think, that’s exactly what Freda did… and Peggy helped and Larry got involved…. wow and I watched them play their parts and never learned to trust any of them… I really don’t know these people… I really don’t…. but their behavior is indicative of christians and their corruption as is all religions… as people hide behind that religion to do the worse to humanity…..

Dental clinic must have been taken by shock, with my voice mail… I was polite and to the point… if attitudes are better, I want the adjustment I originally came in for and I tell you the doctor was not listening Tuesday because of the next text message I got… they tried to get me in tomorrow…. not happening, I will be in oral surgery… so that just backs up my disgust with his childish unprofessional behavior… he wasn’t listening…. 5 1/2 years I worked 2 jobs, hospital and dental clinic… never was I rude or short with a patient… not even after 24 hour shift…..

So today, I will be going in… and I won’t be walking out, until he takes the lip down and gives me back function of my facial movements and un restricted use of my tongue and mandible…. oh… I can only bet how uncomfortable he is going to be, if he can’t own what happened Tuesday… seen that before with the doctors I worked with…. and I will have a hard time, not grinning as I force eye contact…. I do love to play with arrogant children…..

What I like about all this…. I didn’t let it control me… I vented my anger, without doing any action… I refrained from touching the denture myself for alteration and I refrained from refusing to go back in the clinic…

Once I got past that point… the great grandma in me came out and snarky behavior by young adults just seems to be the norm… and not something I am willing to tolerate… We are a civilized society, not barbaric like North Korea, or China or Russia, or Saudia Arabia…. let along like Trump and his base… may they eat themselves to death… just saying….

I go out of my way to be civil, polite an courteous… that unfiltered part of me, came out this morning… and I have a feeling, this is just the beginning of my brutal, unfiltered honesty when it comes to my health care…

The government took enough in my time active duty… gang rapped by officers and my children assaulted and left for dead… no I’m not the one that will back down anymore… I more than earned my health care… and if anyone has a problem with that, get out of my way, because I will steam roll right over your sorry ass……….

You been warned….. 1 million smiley faces….

Sgt. USAF DAV….. I Remember… Margie…..

Taking control back…. wish the GOP would do their job instead of hiding behind that fake god Jesus…..

Last night… first night I have had insomnia in a very long long time…. and I had to take a pill that would induce sleep… not my favorite thing to do… I prefer, being in charge of when I sleep… not medication…..

I kept having wave, after wave of panic attacks…. a feeling all to familiar to someone who lived the “flight or fight” mode for 50 years, because Freda never told me about my death and strokes…. I didn’t like the feeling during those 50 years and I don’t like it creeping into my existence now….

I called the dental clinic and left a message and in that message these words a few minutes ago….

“After Tuesdays mess and the VA wanting impressions, since we didn’t do the adjustments to the denture and attitudes were not good, I thought I would wait a couple days, before trying to get those needed adjustments… that denture is doing me no good in a bowl on my bathroom counter”…. and hung up, telling them to call me if they are going to do their job…..

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!

No more bullying by health care professionals!!! They are not gods, they are dumb ass humans that passed tests!!!! They haven’t proven their worth in their profession yet, at least not to me…….

So I imagine they will call me for an appointment some time today and I will walk in, head high, making them make eye contact and making them realize… without patients… YOU DON’T HAVE A BUISNESS!!!!!! UGH!!!!!

Do I feel better??? YES!!! I got it off my chest and let them know I didn’t appreciate their behavior Tuesday or lack of professionalism!!!!!

Now, if someone would have the balls to do that to Trump and stand up for right and justice… We might have a democracy on our hands instead of a religious dictatorship!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie…..

Soul is so very weary…..

Soul, ID…. heart, mind…. we all have an opinion on those subjects….

Nov 7, 2017…. I remembered the night I died….

That day, CNN had been going on about the Southerland Springs, Texas murders…. and my mind drifted to Big Springs, Texas 1967……… when I lost time…

Time I confronted Freda about in 2010 and she said…”Some things are best not remembered”…. we, mother and daughter, have no contact now… she threw this daughter under the bus to keep a secret that never was….

The body, it is always weary and as I get older, it is harder to push it to do more… I drop things more often… I stumble often, add a little blindness to that… don’t be around me when I am holding a sharp object… hubby usually takes those from me…

I try and keep the mind on the positive side of life, even with all I have been through and all that I have been denied… I know life goes on and my attitude makes or breaks the day…. one of my many gifts… being aware….

I won’t let the mind drift to, If I had not worn the uniform, yada, yada, yawn…. not productive and very self absorbing… never been into that….

I told hubby, I vented… it will take a few days for the trauma of yesterday to pass… and I will have to put on the brave face and be the adult, even with my condition…. always look healthy I have… always… yet so broken, some is beyond repair…..

Yet my soul feels drained… the culmination of fighting for the dental care and now they have started or at least the pretense of starting… a denture I can’t tolerate and a house that will feel more like a jail as time goes by…..

I look around… I am comfortable… we have no pictures on the wall, just our furniture and stuff on the shelves.. mostly movies and stuff… pictures have been tucked in the closet for a few years…. so I ordered the parts I needed, and making this a home may help this old soul….. years, this will take a couple of years…. so ready to go home… it does feel like being active duty… can’t leave or risk, not getting the care…………………………………………………..

Positive side of this…. it’s there… the mind is cloudy from yesterday… the shock that the VA was actually finally doing something about the mess they created, again!!! and seeing the human side of the young doctor trying to help me… doesn’t excuse rude unprofessional behavior… but I get it…. I did the job too……

Hubby will deal with phone if they call and just let them know, we need a few days seperation… have a nice weekend and give her an appt for next week…. attitudes change, when you get some down time…..

I get to do shopping, get these roots out and just chill for our Veterans holiday… hubby will be installing new hinges on the cabinets to make them soft close…. and me… I’ll be sore from 2 more root extractions….

Oh yea….

Enough rant for the day…. sometimes writing is just good for the soul…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

The Dark Side of PTSD….

Suicide is painless…. don’t remember how the rest of the song goes… but is suicide painless???….

I know the pain from depression is not painless… it’s like a hot poker in my brain at this very moment and it is working very hard to take over and rule this moment in time….

How do you keep it at bay??? Run from it??? Ignore it???? Deny it???? and what is It????

When I was little, I knew something was oh so very wrong in my household…. I look back thru time, which is what I have been doing… traveling back thru time and reliving every ugly, hateful, anger and violent filled moment…… not a fun journey from my perspective….. throw in some health issues that could have been prevented, if the doctors had listened…..

An people really wonder why suicide is so painless??????????????

When I told hubby my heart felt feelings…. I could see the fear in his eyes… Yes… I know how to spin a web, into a story that will make your blood run cold, because when I tell It…. I believe it…. he still truly does not know me, can anyone really know another???

I had to reassure him, suicide was not on my plate… but I know that dark desire to end and stop it all…. and my trick with my edetic memory tries to kick in and subvert the matter and deny…………………………… and I have to face it… the moment in time that caused the depression and make choices about how to go forward….

Before… I would have denied myself care and just waited until something happened or I used my medicare…. right now… the ryobi is behind me for me to use…. thou I never made dentures…. I did pay close attention to what the doctor did… that edectic memory has it’s moments…. will I do stupid… no… right now…. it’s sit back, and breath….. I have lived without the denture for a month now… not gaining weight… but not losing either… just not eating what we normally eat and that is impacting me….

I’ll have to make an adjustment to the hook that touches my last molar I have… it’s digging into the tissue and it’s so inflamed… sensodyne tooth paste is being used to numb it, till the pain med kicks in… a couple days not wearing it, let the tissue heal…. hope to tolerate it after surgery, so I can do our shopping… an out of mouth till late this weekend and then smooth that spot down…. so though they did the unprofessional at the dental clinic……

I have to undo the depression they caused and still go in that clinic with a smile on my face…. that’s going to take a few days… so no going back this week and he can wonder why, doubt he will figure it out… most arrogant people never do…..

With PTSD depression…. owning it… not letting it own you is half the battle… reconciling it, is the other half…. I’m 3/4 of the way there and when I know longer have to live here and can be around people who know me and not strangers… maybe then, life will have some meaning… right now… it’s about existing and that has never been a pleasant journey for any human….. let alone veterans…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

Clawing my way out of the depression the VA & Dentist created….

In my blog… this goofy, pain in the ass diary… I wrote about the issues I was experiencing with the right and center bridge work… though I may have my placement off in my details…. I only had 2 bridges in my mouth… 1 I paid for to the tune of over $10,000 and 1 the Arkansas VA put in 2010, which created TMJ problems, because the upper teeth locked my jaw in position that was not normal… and boy when it broke a few weeks ago… the relief in the TMJ came about 72 hours later…. my tongue was resting properly and not bunched up and closing off my airway….. sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was another one for the records where the health care professionals are anything but professional… to let me leave that clinic with alginate on my face and neck… not acceptable…. to not make the needed adjustments so I could use the denture…. not acceptable and to make me feel like the whole mess is my fault… NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told the dentist that both bridges were failing and that the cracking sound I heard… wasn’t the glue holding them on… it was my teeth breaking… the only thing that kept those 2 bridges in place for a year after they broke… the sticks they put in place of the nerve after a root canal… you can see the stick sticking out of the root now… gonna miss it, my tongue has played with that stick since my bridge broke off….. sigh………………………………………………

In 5 1/2 years of working with patients… even after being up on duty call for 24 hours…. NEVER was I rude or disrespectful to a patient…. NEVER….

Why is it so hard to be treated like a human, who has feelings????

I didn’t make the VA acquisition system… but I have dealt with it for 40 years…. Active duty and VA…… and it’s humans that fuck up… paid employees and they take it out on the patients, because if you protest, security gets called… so much for being allowed to complain about shitty service?!?!

Ryobi sitting by my work desk…. you tube videos or text books… either way… I will adjust the denture to fit, without causing pain and if I break it… no loss…. I haven’t had functioning teeth since the VA in Arkansa got hold of me in 2010…. so nothing new on that front……

And people really wonder why veterans commit suicide…. are you people that ignorant of just that blind????

Sgt. USAF DAV…. I will find the positive side of this… but I don’t have to be treated like dirt, when someone is being paid to care for me….

PTSD and Health Care Providers…. why Vets give up and die….

Yesterday still stings…. I was sent out of the dental clinic with alginate all over my face and neck… my partials tossed in their container as if they were not of value and dismissed… and only one adjustment made… the palete of the denture was cut out… he, the doctor was frustrated and he took it out on me… and that was a very wrong thing to do….

Ya know, when Freda & Peggy, Mom & Sis found out I got my memories back… all contact stopped…they cut me off, because they couldn’t get away with lying to me about the past anymore and most of all, no contact… no upset time…and that works for me…..

Same is going to happen with this dental clinic….

I have a Ryobi, full kit, with all the pads and sanders and polishers… basic tools they use in the dental clinic to adjust dentures… an those areas that are causing me pain… I can smooth down myself, once I have eyes, that is…

So the denture will sit in it’s bowl for however long it needs to sit there and evetually, I…. will make it fit… but going back in that clinic….

Not happening….

Ya know at VA clinics around the nation, they have security… because of doctors treating patients poorly like I was yesterday and that way, security gets rid of the patient…

With this civilian clinic… I just won’t go back… they are requesting permission to do my cleaning… I will be passing on the appointment when they call….

Same thing happened with my primary when I found out about the damage to my brain and she dismissed it as minor???? Brain or heart, no injury is minor….. same goes for what I am dealing with my dental health… that is your gateway to better health… your teeth….

Hubby will answer the phone and deal with the clinic… I am tired of being treated like I am the problem, when it’s the VA system of acquistion and I am tired of paid licensed college educated morons treating me, like I did something wrong….

I am the patient… and the physians in America take a oath to do no harm…. I have yet to see that on the big island of Hawaii…..

Surgery in a couple of days to remove the roots…. getting on line and seeing how to properly adjust my own partial… I did do all of the work in the dental clinic in the Air Force, except this… but I do know how to use the tools…

Regardless, I can tolerate the denture for short periods of time, when in public… will take it with me for the surgery, so I can do my shopping while on the Kona side…. and wait for an appointment with the specialist…..

One of these days, the professionals will get a taste of what they dish out… maybe they will learn from it… doubtful… but hope springs eternal….

Sgt. USAF DAV… never had such bad patient care as VA and big island Hawaii….

I so get why Veterans do Suicide……

PTSD… never heard of it before I went in the military… heard of shell shock… but not PTSD… the beginning of understanding trauma to the psychic……or mind…your choice of vancaular’s….

The depression hit hard last night… facing the reality of all that money I spent to save my teeth… the VA let disentegrate…. honestly these people went to college and medical schoool… did know one teach them to shut and listen????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The depression was so deep last night, I crawled out of bed after hubby fell asleep and sobbed… not able to comprehend what the failed VA health care system has done to me….. not once, not twice, but multiple times and now… it’s cascading into serious health issues….. as well great damage to my mental status….

All because I pissed off a federal employee at the Hilo VA office… honest, christians are so thin skinned, no wonder they hide behind a man made god…

In the shower a little while ago the tears flowed again… this time, because the dentist took his frustration out on me… and I left the clinic with only one adjustment done to the denture and none of the facial areas addressed….

I told hubby I had no desire to step in the clinic again… I didn’t create this mess, but It’s being taken out on me… and I just can’t take anymore… I am so done…

So done, that those cliffs at the end of our road look very inviting…..

I so get why veterans take their own lives….

The song… that goes….

Turn around look at me… there is someone, standing beside you, turn around and look at me……………………..

As you go about your daily business… do that… turn around… look at those around you… 1 in 4 is a veteran and just wants to know ……

Someone sees them…..

Today was a rough day… this past couple of years have been a hell I really don’t want to repeat… constantly reliving the beatings and truama… throw in trauma by my own dentist today… and not being kept in the loop by the VA…

Turn around… look at me…. I am not invisible…

I am Sgt. M. A. P. USAF DAV….. I served, so you could look thru me…

Happy Veterans day…. not so in my home…..

Sen Shatz’s office reaches out ……

At one time… a long time ago, before the GOP corrupted everything… if you, as a veteran had an issue… they were the ones to contact for help in getting the unusal answers… and so far… not one word on my question…..

“Why did it take the Hilo VA till now to do anything, when the request was put in May 2018 and why did the Hilo VA federal employees decide I needed to suffer”?????

That is my question to the VA… I know, as a 100% Service Connected Veteran, my care will get done… it only took from 2009 to 2018 to get my “Rectocel” procedure, which FYI is major surgery and because the government doesn’t want to pay for hospital beds, I was made to get on a flight a come home a few hours after that surgery…. Gee… Melania Trump stayed in the hospital for a few days and she wasn’t dying???????!!!!!!

I am going off and telling hubby everything wrong with this whole mess… and I remind hubby, yes the care will get done, if I’m not dead when the federal employee god authorizes it… as goes the story for the last 40 years with VA…. and hubby pipes up and says Sen. Shatz’s office contacted him today and told him that the VA had reached out to my dentist today and requested the impressions and X-rays…. well, you know what happened…

I went off on him… and said…..

“All I want to know is why I was made to suffer and why I am still being made to suffer”????????????????????????

Answer that you corrupt christian President????!!!!!

#NotMyPresidet #ImpeachTrumpPenceBarrPompeo

I Remember… Margie… Sgt. USAF DAV I’ll believe the VA is doing something when the surgeon starts cutting on me!!!!!

Making Adjustments….

This is a busy little clinic, they do kids… and today was busy as usual…. and they took me back right away, but stopped to do X-rays…. VA has requested them because the dentist put in the request for a Prostodontist… basically a surgeon that does facial reconstruction… same kind of doctor I saw on Okinawa…. thus my interest in the field when I went active duty… they couldn’t answer my questions about my own dental health… so I was searching for answers about my past as early as 77……

Dentist cut the majority of the palete out of the denture… giving my tongue space and a exit for my saliva… nothing like drowning without being in water…..

But he had to take impressions again… because the VA requested them…. sigh…………………………………………………..

And he sent me on my way, without doing any further adjustment…. ya know I can cus in a couple languages and my mind is overflowing with those words right this very minute…..

triple dog sigh………………………………………………………….

So in the morning, I will call the clinic again… and we will make a trek into town again…. so he can finish the adjustments he needed to do to begin with today…… quadruple sigh…………………………………………………………………………….

The denture is in my mouth an it hurts, but it’s putting pressure on the root that will be extracted Friday… the other root, that tooth broke at the gum and isn’t getting hit by the denture… but the soft tissue under my lip is in agony and the denture is so thick, I can’t pucker my lips to take a drink…. so yep… back tomorrow we will go….

Have to get it adjusted as much as possible…. Friday is surgery, holiday weekend and my dental clinic closes at noon Friday… so no adjustments till Tuesday of next week or no partial to wear… so yep, back to town tomorrow….

I did point out I only had 24 teeth ever at one time and it really has no value that information… it’s all about getting the denture to fit tightly, hit properly for eating and function…. until implants are done… and since the VA is moving so quick on the surgeon referral for the implants… hopefully I will hear sooner than later….

I am so at the end of my road on this journey after over 18 months of non stop pain and 9 years of dental hell… told hubby bankruptcy was on the plate, so we could afford the dental… I am that frustrated and exhausted over this lack of care….. I also told hubby…

I so get why veterans commit suicide… this outlook is so dismal….. and so much pain…. how much more am I suppose to endure after decades of it?????????????????????????????

I Remember… Margie…. Sgt. USAF DAV…. run, don’t walk away from the military… our nation is not worth the sacrifice I gave….. nor are the American people….. this hell is going to be unlike any I have lived before… and there isn’t a damn thing I can do… I can’t afford the care, I was promised….

Cloudy… not so good that way…

I will be the first to admit… good medical pot, can take the brain away… but, again that little word… I have been falling down drunk and remembered every second… so it doesn’t work for me… but it sure makes the damage to my short term memory work a little harder…. and right now is no different…

After all the agnst of the last year and a half… I pulled my high school graduation picture out and zoomed in on my smile and started counting teeth…. and just wow… honestly… just wow…

I have only had 12 teeth on top and 12 teeth on bottom….

Those teeth between your molars and front two teeth we all loved losing as kids… I only have ever had 12…. 4 teeth grew across the roof of my mouth… including a lower molar….

At 17, when the surgeon took those wrong way teeth out… I had 4 molars on the upper and 4 on the lower… except, one of my lower molars was a wisdom tooth… the molar that should have been there, was one they removed from the roof of my mouth… and I lost that tooth at El Paso VA, when they did the partial I wear for the mandible….except they added a molar, that I never had before… and that there is the aha moment on this mess of forcing myself back through time…..

I lost the molar on my right lower side while at Basic training… kept thinking it was my upper, but got that confused with Washington time… anyway…. the military made me a partial when I got to Vance… to replace that one molar and they took the 3 impacted wisdoms out…

So in effect… the dentist went on the premise of wrong number of teeth and that is why the denture is too big for me… it has a extra tooth added on the left side… that I never had… you can see my teeth in my graduation picture… you can tell, I only ever had 12 upper teeth… ever…..

Big time sigh of relief, now that I backed tracked thru time and put it together when things happened and who did what work and where….

See the dentist later and he will start sawing down that massive denture and over the next few weeks, we will see a lot of each other… it’s a tight fitting denture and I am not putting it back in till in his chair… mouth that sore, from using it to try and eat….

Well at least I figured out why and can show him with the picture to remind him… my body was mal nourished and abused until 17 years of age… ya know, my bones didn’t fuse until I turned 30 years old… bone scans showed that, which was another eye opener to the beatings that poor child took….

Still talk in the 3rd form sometimes…. you can’t hate, what you don’t know… all they ever had to do…own it… life would have been so different for me……a would have been their salvation……

I Remember… Margie…. should be fun…..

Will they own their screw up???

After morning routine, I pulled the partial I had for the last 10 years and compared it to the new one they just made and wow… you can honestly tell when people ignore you… why??? They followed the 4 piece bridge and made an assumption and added a tooth to the denture….. That I HAVE NEVER HAD!!!!!

In 1971, a surgeon at Naha Dental clinic on the base, surgically extracted from the roof of my mouth at 17 years old… 3 teeth, that grew side ways, instead of down through the gums… and one of those teeth, is what they added to the denture, making is useless… and I mean useless…

When I say I have a small mouth… I was down to 25 teeth after that surgery, with my wisdom teeth included… made 29 teeth, 3 wisdom had erupted and not a problem until military time…

So now what… well I got a call into the dental clinic and will take the denture in and explain where they screwed up and tell him… I don’t need a mouth guard and I don’t need extra teeth… just the ones I have always had…. plus I printed out my high school graduation picture that shows my natural bite, before the Air Force and VA fucked it up… it shows my teeth sitting on top of the tips… no over lap… yada, yada, yada… it’s genetic… I know of 5 siblings that have the same kind of bite… all Bagwells… half sister has her daddy’s genetics….

At least with this denture, he can cut it down to be used for looks only… it won’t have any function, because it’s a over bite, not a cross bite… and no room in my mouth for food and tongue or water or swallowing or anything… it’s too damn big!!!!UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So over college educated morons who don’t listen!!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV Keaau Hawaii… watching federal employees play god with my life…..

My Anger Boils Over….

After spending part of my night in the recliner sobbing after hubby went to bed… and finding my nose plugged from all the crying and not able to lay down and breathe…. I pushed my brain to the positive side of this mess and that was not easy….

The denture fits like a mouth guard fits… and that is what hit me this morning… it fits like a mouth guard and since I already have a small mouth to begin with… I never was able to wear a mouth guard for sports… tried it once… never did it again… I nearly drowned in my own saliva… just like yesterday when I left the dental clinic, not 10 mins down the road and I was tearing the denture out of my mouth, so I could swallow…. denture went flying… good thing the car windows were closed…. sigh……………………….

So, when clinic opens this morning, phone call, and the dentist can start shaving the denture down, so that it’s not as thick….I mean I couldn’t even get my tongue to the front teeth and touch my own upper inside lip area… ya know it’s too big, when it interfers with normal function… thus why, no room for food, tongue and denture… something has to go and thickness will be it, which will make it tolerable to wear, but will it function for eating… by being thinner????

I resent the fact, my hubby, can see his doc, needs a specialist and it’s all taken care of including see the specialist and get procedure done… 30 days or less…. last one was 3 weeks… and I’m the Veteran!!!!!!!…. and he is my dependent….. Mcconnel should be ashamed to call himself speaker and christian….

At least the denture fits, fits snug, which did surprise me… it’s just 2 X thicker than my mouth can hold… just that simple….. it’s too big…

So take it to town today, let him have it to sand down the whole denture and make it thinner and tell him… you have to request more specialist on this or you are going to cost me my health… fear, always makes them do more, when they can be held liable…..

My mouth still hurts on the right side, near the cheek bone… so that tissue is going to be a problem with the denture….

Trial and error is what is going to happen…. I get the roots removed this week and will be in to see the dentist the next week for another adjustment when the swelling goes down… one root is still outside the gum line, so adjustment needed….

As for eating… I have the other partial, that I am making myself use to condition the right side and make it tougher, so that eating is tolerable… all about muscle memory and same goes for soft tissue… you get it used to impact… you learn to ignore the discomfort… just like all my other pain I have lived with since toddler age….

So positive side of this…I have a denture, I can go out in public… and with the doc adjusting it… I will be able to eat with it… I hope….

Ya know how you get something on your finger when cooking and your hands are squeaky clean and you see that chocolate just hiding on your finger and you take your front teeth to scrape it off…. that’s all I want… to be able to use my front teeth… and I haven’t been able to do that since the Arkansas Dental VA clinic screwed up my bite in 2010….

One thing on that note… when I saw PT in 2017… she worked my TMJ and oh my could I let go a good ouch…. Since that front bridge came out after breaking… that tissue on the TMJ on both sides of the face…. after a month of that bridge gone…. no longer on fire… So I was right about the fact they changed my bite… and the dentist here did the denture off that bridge and he’s not going to like it when I tell him the denture is way to long in the tooth and to far forward… my top and bottom front teeth touch… not over lap… they sit on top of each other… and that gives my tongue and food room to allow eating… right now the denture is a over bite and that took the room of my food… big time frustrated sigh… cause I told him the bite was wrong…………………………………………………………………………..

Day started, time for a walk, a big bowl… a pain pill and call doc at 8 so I can go back to town…. oh yea…..

I Remember…….Margie…

There is a positive side?? Right???

The philosophy side of me says that the positive side of this mess is there… I just have to find it….

When the U. S. Government denied me access to my fathers mental health records from when he beat me to death and they locked him in a psych ward for a while… nope… they got those dirty little secrets locked away… because the military’s reputation is more important… than my life….

Ya know… I have known that for decades… that my life had no value to anyone but me… not to my kids… not to hubby… but to me… it’s everything….

When in reality it is the way we should all be looking at our lives…. but ya got religion, superstitions and most of all, many perspectives…..

I had to pop a pain pill after I took the new denture out… it had shoved up into my right cheek bone area… which is the exact area, my other partial digs into… not enough bone left for the partials.. thus pain… an right now… lots of it…

Top that off an the doc tells me I will lose the last 3 teeth I have in my maxillary and looking at how the denture fits… I can see why… but regardless…

This mass of plastic… is just way to big for my mouth and it’s time for a lesson on anatomy with the dentist… because after I ripped that damn partial out when I was trying to eat… I remembered… just a little while ago, what the dentist in the Air Force I worked with told me….

I have a small mouth and there just isn’t room for a denture, my tongue and food… thus the partial that El Paso made me… it was wafer thin… because I couldn’t tolerate the thicker one they tried to make… trauma… always trauma in how I make memories… and that dental time was truama… just like now….

Tomorrow, will call the doc, so he can adjust the denture and inform him, not enough room in my mouth for the denture and food… one has to go… and food is the breath of life… the denture is just for looks….

It will mean we won’t be going out… won’t go see any shows at the place we have gone before and get a bite to eat… won’t be able to stop and grab a bite, when we have a day on the other side of the island… unless I want to carry the other partial in a bag of water all the time and swap them out??? REALLY???!!!

So positive side… right now.. don’t see one… I just see me trying to get us to a point with the money so we can get the hell off of Hawaii and I can get home to dentist that will take care of me and not make me suffer…. my mouth is still hurting….

I really don’t know what I did to these federal employees, except to blow the whistle on corruption… and if I am paying with crappy health care… imagine how the whistle blower on Trump is feeling… I filed 2 IG complaints… and here I sit, being punished by American citizens, getting a pay check and playing god with my life….

Some how, I have to take that control away from them….. and still keep my health care I wore a military uniform for 5 1/2 years…..

Sgt. USAF DAV Keaau, Hawaii… don’t move here, worse VA health care in America…. and that is a fact….

Hilo Hawaii VA, just made my life a living hell…..

I was excited to get the new 3/4 denture… only have 3 natural teeth left on the maxillary…. and as the doc put it in, so he could adjust; the doc from Okinawa came to mind, 1971…. when he removed 3 teeth from the roof of my maxillary palete…

That surgeon, who had been in Vietnam and done reconstructive surgery… said…. work to keep your upper teeth… you palete is malformed and not mature… it’s as if it stopped growing at some time while you were younger… something along that line… he said if I had to wear a denture… I wouldn’t be able to eat… and he was right…

Too much plastic… and with the damage to my TMJ, facial nerves and skull… and I am already taking something to help with the spasms in the TMJ….

Tonights dinner was not possible, dogs got my chicken fried steak and mashed taters….. I couldn’t chew and swallow… too much plastic between me, the teeth and my throat… just not going to happen…

I warned the dentist when he sent me on my way with the usual instructions… try… yada, yada, yada…

I can try till hell freezes over, but if there isn’t enough room, between my tongue and the denture… how am I suppose to get food to my throat?????

Looks… the denture is way to big… it’s obvious when you see my smile and my natural upper teeth… that doc on Okinawa was right and it had been brought up before about how small my mouth is… stunted growth, not surprising with the beatings…..

So the doctor is putting me in for a consult to start the process for what ever he thinks we can get the VA to do… bottom line…

If they aren’t going to do implants… we are going home… as soon as we can afford too……

As for eating… for now, I have the old partial, which will allow me to chew my food and swallow and get it done, before the jaw tells me dinner is over… it’s been that way for a very long time… thanks mommy & daddy….

Frustrated, angry, pissed…. I spent a fortune to keep those teeth and VA dentist ignored me when I told them the work was failing…

And people really wonder why veterans take their lives, at least 22 a day….

Because none of you care… if it don’t impact you… you go about your happy little lives or pray to a omipent asshole…

Rant over….

Time for a bowl….

I Remember…..

Seriously thinking of spending a grand a put a ad in the newspaper about the VA here on Hawaii… but my Scotch heritage is telling me, lot better things to do with a grand, besides bitch about corrupt federal employees like Trump and the ones we got here…..

Happy Days… well maybe…

We arise around 5AM… and anymore… we catch up on the local news and weather…. national weather… see if Trump ordered a hit on anyone and the TV is turned off….

Today, no different… not even interested in Twitter today…. Cloudy, overcast… and muggy… AC on, house inside quiet, outside, a little noisy….

Dental clinic called… partial this afternoon… and I can leave my house without covering my mouth every time I talk…. and we wait for the VA to say yea or nay on the implants… so we can plot our next move….

It will be fun getting used to a upper denture… but it’s part of the process and one way or the other implants will be done… my tissue won’t take the pounding from eating… just that simple… it hates it now and pain meds are taken daily for the partials I have now… so, oh boy…….

As for the news and Trump…. I’m stocking my pantry with a few months supply of food… things here are already going up about 35%… I expect that to increase to about 50% of normal cost… lived over seas many years and been thru this before….

As we have no crystal ball about tomorrow… it’s just one day at a time and hope the system that christians have tried to corrupt for decades, still works and no one in America is above the law….. including the church….

One issue done today…. a couple more weeks and hopefully the surgeon says I can get new glass’s…. really is not fun right now… never know what I can or can’t see….

Pushing the exercises… making the legs stronger, to help the core stay upright… neck is the biggest pain… and last night it let me know how much pain… whip lash from the beatings… just wow…. now it’s anklyosing spondilitis is the end result…..

Time for breakfast…

I remember…..

This is… “Are you Bat shit Crazy” look….

A Toddler that knew she was looking at… Bat Shit Crazy…

I was about a year old when this picture was taken and you won’t find any of me smiling until much later…. Born self aware and high IQ…. I knew I was in hell and didn’t know how to escape…. I was looking at my mother, who had abused me while dad was on remote assignment for the Air Force…

Little did I know, but the man holding me… would kill me…. as would the woman taking the picture…

I’ll never understand christians… It’s like if you believe in their god, you can rape, murder and steal… but god will forgive you…. I would like to kick that god in the nuts a few thousand times….. just saying….

That look on this childs face is one that is all to familiar to me…. my hubby gets that look once in a while when he does stupid…. but he turns the table on me too… because we be smoking some killer medical pot and my short term memory issues are a daily occurence… so he bait’s me, sets the trap and damn…. I be like, oh yea…. okay it’s funny because I know the circumstances he pulled on me recently and I still smile about it…..

But that look on my face, is used as an adult and has been used my whole life…. as I look at the rude granchild or kid that thinks… mind you not well, but thinks it’s okay to be rude, disrespectful and most of all use us as a punching bag for the problems they created….

Damn and I am thinking of moving home for that??????? Okay I need to see a shrink… Just Saying…..

Thus the conumdrum of where to move to…. do I want to live on the coast, so I can protect my adopted sis and kick a young man’s ass into reality…. or do I want to live in Okanogan county and give my rude grandchildren a wake up call????

Decisions, decisions, decisions…. and truly we haven’t made one yet… becuase we don’t know what the hell the VA is doing about my dental issues that are now causing health issues….. and at this rate, I won’t have a ass to sit on, becuase all that tissue will be used to rebuild my pelvic floor… honest, you can’t fix stupid, when the government runs health care…

Veterans are a prime example that Sanders and Warren haven’t a clue about health care… they can’t even take care of 100% disabled veterans like me….

I just spent $2,000 of my own money on cataract surgery….. so much for government health care…. and Biden… christian Biden or Buttigeg or however you spell the boys name… he picked up religion too???? who the hell do we vote for that is not insane with religion????? just wow on our selections….. just wow……

Hubby hanging the new larger sun shades outside, that filter the heat and sun, our house is not insulated and only here are they that cheap and stupid….. so we block the sun, planted trees that wouldn’t hit the house for now and use what we can that is available, without spending thousands to insulate the house….. sigh………………………………………………..

So over stupid builders…. with degrees… education just isn’t giving what you are paying…. obviously, look at Trump…

Hot days in November… broke a record yesterday… AC on and if implants are being done… I’m putting the split AC in the bedrooms…. run fans or AC it costs ya the same…. AC more comfortable than fans….

We have avacados falling every place, oranges have been picked… grapefruit is starting to turn pink….. next year, we should have more than we can eat…. local pantry will get that…. between the Mauna Kea debacle and last years lava flow and hurricanes… our island is in financial trouble… because of superstitions…. at least I’ll build equity, while I spin my wheels….

Told hubby, dreaming has been interesting… instead of PTSD nightmares… I laugh at Trump and his christian base and know I am watching the Salem Witch trials all over again, except… I wasn’t alive during those… but am now and liars and cheats and cons with their snake oil is all we are seeing…. We need another Obama or Lincoln….so over stupid arrogant religious morons….

As the chaos from the strokes and briain injuries melt into the sunset…. the lack of beliefs in my abilities that have been confirmed by doctors… still boggles me a little… but mostly, it explains why people used me for decades instead of paying lawyers or doctors….. and some asked and ignored the advice and died less than 2 years later…. sigh…. so much lost, because of PTSD and Agent Orange….

The abnormal brain wave, is losing it’s control… it happened recently…. it left me tired, upset stomach… but that is it… no confusion…. no indecisive behavior… just felt drained, as If I had done a marathon… so, not sure neurology is going to do me any good at this point….. If I have learned how to control it on my own…. but it still packs a punch to my central nervous system….

The exercises are working… the body knots up thou…. charlie horse last night… back shoulder muscle tried doing the same… but I got them to relax without medication… so progress… and knowledge, this will be a lifelong task…. because of the damage from domestic violence…..

Vision… damn, I wish I could say I got 20/20… but that’s not happening and it could be just what I have learned to live with and explains my job choices over the years…. the head injuries caused permanent nerve damage to my eyes and the eye surgeon, will diagnosis that eventually with more test….sigh……..

I got my jewelry craft set up… but haven’t been able to do much without new eye glass’s… so a few more weeks, another post op and hopefully a new perscription for me eyes… my hands and arm are not happy about all the computer playing out of boredom…..

Day has started… need to try an eat a real breakfst today… body is settling down from the last brain wave malfunction….

Life is like a box of choclates… sometimes you just got to take that leap of fait and bite into it and see what you get….. or bury your head in the sand….

I plan to take that bite every day… Knowledge is power…..

I Remember…. Margie….

Just gotta be Me….

From the moment I could comprehend… I knew, being me, was not allowed… I was suppose to be the child my mother had a fantasy about and didn’t get, until her 2nd daughter was born… she was more maliable….

The song that says Just gotta be me… hit a chord today….

In the military I had to behave a certain way and I did it… but others had fantasies about me… so my story line has a few wild pieces…. while serving….

As a daughter, I didn’t conform to the religion or the control… I stopped that after the last blow at 17….. that one stroke took so much…..

Of late, with my hippie doc eye surgeon… or my private doc… I have just been me… no, conforming to what society thinks… which has no value or what the stranger on the corner thinks….

I’m just being me…. the person who will start speaking Japanese to a old lady in the grocery store, who is trying to reach a high shelf and she responds in kind and is shocked when she sees my round eyes… but the asian is in the DNA… must be why this one language was always so easy to remember… learn, that’s another story….

I asked my eye surgeon to be my pot doc… since we are going to be here longer than planned… want to be legal and all…. he giggled and said yea… I entertained him and the anestheisologist when I was under…. I remember… they giggled during those surgeries … no bad memories on that front…

I figure, I can’t get society to conform to my head injuries and my perspective on life… so…. quit trying and just be me…. you’ll either smile back and converse or you’ll look at me like I am Hydra….. ready to pounce….

I think that is why I have been so consistent with my honesty… I’m just being me… if you want to hear something else…. suggest you look else where… enabling is a religious thing.. and not a healthy mind thing…..

Sleep is normal, well If you call what I get normal… the kids next door, must have dumped the hens and roosters… it’s all quiet over there and we have been sleeping past 5AM…. nice change… but sleep is not interupted by dreams… naw… Trump takes those… or at least the drama he creates is what I laugh about in my dreams right now… and that is refreshing after decades of nightmares….

Breezy outside, trees swaying softly on the wind, like the hips of a hula dancer with their arms softly rustling the branches….

Beautiful weather on Hawaii… hot, but absolutely gorgeous….

I Remember… Margie….

Hill resigns and Kavanaugh an Trump rapist are still in business….

When religion allows rape and murder… it’s not a religion and the christian faith is nothing more than a cult, just like Muslims, Hindu’s, Buddaist, yada, yada, yawn… on stupidity and man made gods….

Watching the news this morning and Hills resignation and I remember the contorted face of Kavanauh and Graham…. and Professors Ford’s frightened face strolls past my line of vision and you christians have no problem with that… because if you did… you would have to face the reality of your existence and fellowship in a church with a label of christian…. wow… double down till the rapture that will never be….

Honest… after leaving the church and doing the research to prove that god was nothing more than a myth and superstitions and above all a place to hide the mose heinous crimes done to humanity…. by hiding behind a god you made up…. just wow….

I was pushed out of the military after the rape and attempted murder of my kids on a federal installation…. men in power protecting men in power…

The 1st Sgt, who’s son rape my kids…. was allowed to retire… they tried to reassign me, but I couldn’t afford the assignment in California…. we would have been living in poverty… so I declined… and the clock started ticking for an excuse to push me out… within a year of my re-enlistment… they found one… and not to much later… I was honorably discharged… when medical records said I should have met a medical board…. they won and my kids & I lost so much more….so much for honor, justice and integrity… it doesn’t exist in the christian world… only their distorted form of truth… that has zero merit…. just like the bible….

The damage done by christians and men in power will continue until women realize… the only reason we need a man in our lives… if we want to conieve… anymore a sperm bank replaces that human in physical form….

Women have been fighting for the #MeToo movement for over a 100 years… and women let men put them back down every time… by buying the snake oil the men sell…

Honest you can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix it’s self……

I wish Hill luck in her fight… I have been fighting it since 1983 against my own government… welcome to the real world of men in power protecting men in power Katie Hill….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie…

Veterans Administration is no longer paying our doctor bills!?!?!

Wake up call… I got a bill from my primary doctor… they were tired of waiting on the federal government to pay the bills that were accumulating because of all my failed dental work and the impacts on my health that has caused…. so they billed my medicare….. do you blame them????

Trumps tax cut, Trumps wall and Trumps base….

Will cost every American…. Veterans are always the first to feel it…

My doctor’s secretary told me it was for all veterans… so if you were using Tri-west… you are screwed… and if you are using Tri-care… be prepared… and if you are a veteran like me, in the system for 40 years… you have seen this before….

The bills will start to come in…

All because christians want a wall that has not stopped one mass shooting or any drugs that are causing the opiod crisis….

Sgt. USAF DAV…. yea for stupid…..

Medicare is saving my ass on this round of government corruption…one of these days… someone will prove the hookum of religion so well, that the mass hysteria will be one for the ages… as people realize how long and how much they gave up for a con….

Finding the Peace in your Soul….minus man’s religion…

Watching hubby with his struggle… the guilt he has carried for decades… you have no clue how happy I was, when he finally broke and threatened to leave and I pushed back with concern and love…..not fight… just support and love and he owned it…

The change was not instantaneous…. no, the mind does not work that way for the average human…. and he’s smart… Deans list, every quarter in college a few years back… but you can be smart brain wise, and still not understand why you feel the way you feel…. I know, I’ve been there….

A calmness has come into my world, primarily in my soul… another step towards acceptance of what is and what was….

Letting go, of what I never had…. I was born into a family, which is very large, the oldest of my dad’s line… but I don’t know these people and they don’t know me… why??? They watched me die, when they were little and the psychological damage is still playing out today, because mother won’t tell the truth… she would rather her children suffer, than anyone know that Donna is not of dad’s blood…. the red headed stranger from Bonita… she really should do a DNA test and connect with her family, they are likely as perverse as her…..

Anger… oh, you betcha I have anger… at one time that anger sent my heart rate off the chart and my blood pressure with it… now it’s a quick flash in the mind of what was and is…. and it’s gone… but I will never let go of the anger… christians head fake is to let go…. I’m for the reality of they have to own it, before I let got….and even at that moment in time… you can not undo the damage done to my body as the pain radiates through it…. from my head to my toes………………………………………………………

Yet, a peace has come over my soul and my mind…. I do find myself more interested in how to tell the story, so that it appeals to all or just myself… I haven’t decided yet… that answer has no true value… knowing the family read this blog and now knows, I remember…..

A toothless smile just came to my face…..

I Remember…. Margie…..

What is a Liar????

Ever ask that question??? What makes a Liar???

Is it someone who is a licensed care giver and they tell you this illness is what you got… but they are wrong…. are they a liar???

Is it the priest giving last rites and he asks his god for, forgiveness for his sins… when in reality he broke the law and raped a child… does that make him a liar to us or the god???

Is it when a man elected as a world leader, who can look you straight in the eye and tell you the Ukraine call was perfect… but the professional career federal and military employees say it was not… who do you believe??? the elected leader, because he worships the same god… or the men and women who put their lives on the line, so you could make stupid choices about gods????

Today was interesting for my post op…. I have to go back again in a few weeks… my eyes haven’t settled down, well that’s not right… I have pressure or residual gunk left in each surgical eye…. and my vision in my right eye, went to shit… literally speaking too….

So, I knew before I saw the doctor… my answer, but I asked anyway….

Did the traumatic brain injuries I sustained as a child impact my right eye???

He was examining my eyes when I asked and he pulled back and said likely so…

Now the MRI did not show any major damage… just the one very small area of brain damage, in other words, it’s not active… and you know what??? that one tiny area… took so much… cut off a finger or limb, you’ll know exactly what I mean… or lose a twin to death… no other feeling like it….

I have asked eye doctors for over 30 years about this vision thing… now none of them lied… because not even I knew about the brain injuries or strokes…. but mommy did…..

You can stand on the hill top and scream till your hearts content you are a christian… but if you don’t live it…

You’re just another con… like Trump and the Gop…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

When we get back home and I get in the VA there… and things are working so we can use VA… I’ll push for a special scan that will tell us, if the nerves or other conective tissue was impacted decades ago… and as with all of this, it likely is so….. As for VA care… we don’t have any… my doctor got tired of billing the government an not getting paid….. so I got a bill in the mail… thank you christians… moat, garlic farm… yep… definitely on the bucket list….

PTSD and everyday life…. & Levothyroxine….

At one time, the bed was the enemy…. toss and turn for hours, doze off and on and wake up as if you had just done a marathon….. it still happens…

The science I read about PTSD can be a life long condition… I thought… nope, not this person…. and I got to back track on that thought process….

My body chemistry is balancing out… doc wants another blood draw…. to see if the thyroid is staying consistent…

Then my body is doing what it should and the hippocampus and other injured brain sections have done the reboot so to speak and the hot flash’s are back and my body is doing what it should have done… if I had never been put on Levothyroxine… the man made medication from hell…..

At first when the hot flash hit, I thought it was the abnormal brain wave they found, that has caused issues for decades… but when other symptoms didn’t kick in… I knew… the hot flash was normal reaction to my body chemistry balancing out…. and the next blood draw should confirm that…. so that is getting where it needs to be… and hormones are where they should be….

How does this impact PTSD… go thru menopause and come back and talk to me… mine started in 1979…. thank you dumb ass Air Force doctors….

Another indicator… my thyroid has been trying to reboot since New Mexico… I would say about 2011, is when the sweating started…. and guess what… it’s backing off, the night sweats caused by the thyroid….

If my thoughts are right on this… I should have never been on medication for my thyroid… they should have tested my levels for a year, before putting anyone on that man made drug from hell Levothyroxine….

All that being said… the depression was chemical induced for a long time by the thyroid man made drug….

I recognize I still deal with some depression and it’s reflected in my daily activities…. as long as I am aware and work to get past this last hurdle…. the depression should never have a hold on me, like it did before I got my memories back….

50 years of living hell and all my bitch mother had to do… the christian that knows her fucking god!!!! All she had to do is tell what happened to me and I could have gotten help…. she is still playing god with my brothers and sisters lives and they are just lapping it up….

You can’t fix stupid… stupid has to want to fix it’s self…..

As for the PTSD… I honestly think, that will be with me for life… if my guess is right about the brain….

PTSD will always be with me, because christians want to be slave owners and I fought back….

I Remember…. Margie… and she survived christians and their bigotry and hate….

Impeachment…. we all have a voice…

Being a great grandma…. I am old enough to remember Nixon and Clinton…

Nixon was arrogant like Trump is now and frightened… like Trump is now…

Clinton… damn the dude and his sex…. I got nothing…….

TV gets turned on early, so we can see the weather, we are still in Hurricane season…. an like this morning, woke up by pain at 3AM, I had my fill of news, by the time hubby rolled out of bed a couple hours later….

Ya know it’s one thing for a service member to trash another… it’s a club… we wore the uniform… we had no illusions that we were clean cut, yada, yada, yada… nope we were a bunch of kids trying and learning….

But… for the GOP and Trump to trash a Purple Heart Veteran….

Just wow…. talk about desperation not to be told, you are corrupt and always have been as has your religion…. Lock him up…. should be the chant from here on out and the TV will stay on any station, but news….

I don’t know what we are going to do… November is when the VA said they would tell me about implants… hospital bills for the eye surgery set me back a couple months on the bills, but, last couple are coming in now… an back on track after December….

No celebrating the holidays for us… that couple grand hurt… we’ll just donate some money to family dinner for our area… we can feed a few…

Kids got gifts this summer… so christmas in July was our holiday….

Figuring and calculating… what is best for us and what can I afford to pay for my dental care….

Nothing that can’t be solved… ignore the news as much as possible… hope that our congress does it’s job, but if christians have their way… Women will have no rights, no equal pay and no say over their own so called god given body….

Bigotry at it’s best….

Lots of rain for us, quiet and wet…. looking at the property change every day, we are so wet…. never seen the like in all my travels… nature is truly a god of it’s own….

I Remember…..

Silent…Heart Attack and Stroke… Who knew????

Quick note, if you never heard of silent strokes or heart attacks…. google it….

Even with all I have read, never heard of these events until hubby had a silent heart attack, we think around 2003… he had a triple bypass in 2015, when I caught his heart failure….

As for silent stroke… that is my label as I have no memory of a stroke… after major surgery last year an down for 6 months, that showed my left side weakness… MRI a couple months later confirmed a stroke an bleed on the brain… No one can tell me when it happened an my mother is not talking….

So…if you never heard of these life altering events an family history of heart issues…. educate… it may be your life you save….

I remember….

Implant costs… WOW

Well I thought I could afford this an pay off quickly…. not on my income…

Low end $5000 per tooth, start to finish…high end $10,000 a tooth….

Wow, no clue about anyone else, but I doubt I can do this…. I need the VA to honor my service and do whats right…

Yea, that will happen when hell freezes over an since no hell…. VA death care will continue…

Sgt USAF DAV

VA … depression caused by VA Health Care… and you wonder why vets commit suicide???? REALLY????

I have tried to figure out if the depression I am feeling is because of what I have gone through as a person or…..

Because of the Veterans Administration and inappropriate health care they label as health care… and if it’s health care????

WHY ARE SO MANY OF US DYING DAILY FROM MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES YOU CAUSED????????

I finally realized my depression was all Veteran Health Care related and after getting a bill from my primary provider that is VA approved… it spoke volumes of why so many veterans give up and just die…. they can’t take anymore depression or frustration caused by their own government and the “so called Veterans Health Care System”…. notice I said “System”….. we are numbers and nothing more…

My depression of late has been the VA… I am 100 % service connected…. Priority 1 for health care and I have to fight for it…. because of the GOP, Trump and christian base…. who voted them into office….

Want to know why veterans commit suicied….

Look in the mirror…..

Hubby has a say in what I do with our money, except when it comes to my health care… and I am done with VA death care….

Not sure how I will afford those expensive inhalers I need for my lungs… since the rib cage is crushing them…. but I’m sure the doctor will find one I can afford on top of all the other bills that will come from using my medicare… at least I have medicare……

And depression should just go away…. NOT…. I am looking at about $10,000 medical expenses over the next 12 months…. I live on my disability income…. and I am going to be making a car payment…. so I can have some teeth and eat, without being in anymore pain….

VA death care is not welcomed in our home… neither is suicide…. not even pushed to the brink by the American people, christians and the president of the United States….. looks like Hawaii may be home for some time…..

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember…. Margie….

NO More VA Death Care!!! Trump and GOP need to move home to RUSSIA!!!!

Awaken in the middle of the night with mouth pain… only because of my partials….

The maxillary is because of all the dental work that failed and I have no real functioning denture an only 3 teeth left on one side of my mouth… been a true adventure in eating… how kids adapted so easily when they lose their front teeth is beyond me… weight gain not a worry now….

As for the mandible… that is why I requested the implants… because of the mandible partial… it’s been painful since the day the El Paso VA made it and ignored my dental issues from the Arkansas VA on the frontal bridge that broke down to my roots on the 3rd of Oct.. or was it the 4th… time flies when you are in non stop pain….

The lower partial is my demon right now and without it… no eating of any kind… between the old upper partial that just has 3 molars on it for the right side, and 3 natural teeth on the left side… the lower partial has nothing but molars… the only thing I have left to eat with… molars and in reality only the left side is functional to eat…

That being said… the pain now radiates from the TMJ, down my throat and up my Trigimenal nerve area…. headaches and constant mandible pain from the partials and pounding of 1 tooth…. weight won’t be any kind of issue… or at least gaining weight… losing… that is happening daily…..

Catch 22 and I am over VA death care and told hubby that this morning… we will be on Hawaii at least 12 to 18 months… because if the VA won’t start the process… I will….

I imagine the manidble implants will run me about $10,000 out of my pocket…. for health care the GOP REPUBLICANS AND PRESIDENT PROMISED ME!!!!!

100% Service Connected….. Sgt USAF DAV….. I remember democracy before corrupt christians and Russians took over the White house and Senate…….

Pain meds taken….

Day barely started and pain pill taken, so that in a couple hours I can tolerate my lower partial so I can eat….

Daily, this has gone on since last May of 2018….

I am slowly destroying my kidney with these toxic NSAIDS….

Veteran, join, serve your country, get educated, we’ll take care of you????

WHEN?????????????????????????????

Sgt USAF DAV Keaau, Hawaii thank you Hilo. VA for playing god!!!!!

Something New in the Neighborhood….

I felt change, the moment I remembered my own death…. wow… that was 50 years of not knowing what happened….

Two year anniversary is fast approaching for Margie…. She woke up Nov 7, 2017 after the Sutherland Springs, Texas massacre…. those souls, gave me back my life… their tragic loss, was my gain after 50 years of amnesia….

It’s changing in our home… for the good… the constant laughter, the companionship… something worth working for… he is dealing with his past….

I am putting mine to rest…. though I have to admit… it’s harder than it sounds….

Life has been for this human, do the best, seek answers and never quit questioning…. it got me this far….

The pot helps… it keeps everything from rushing in and overwhelming me…

I still look for good memories from that home, I have yet to find any…. Cruelty played out up till we left Mena in 2010… never to return…. never forget the expression on then sister in law Nancy, when as we started to pull away, Freda turned her back on us… she was afraid I would tell everyone, who she really is… she closed the door… but a few years later, the phone would ring, because of…. wait for it…… money……………………………… good christian…

Last contact, was the year I got my memories back and she contacted me on Thanksgiving of 2017 and wait for it….. you got it… money…………………………..

Once she realized I remembered my own death… she changed her phone number…. email…… not sure she moved that trailer… but, hey… it’s easy to find people, if you know how…. as for lil sis…. well, she’s going to lie to her grave… just like momma…. good christians…..

Anger, I will always have a corner of my heart that will hold the anger close to the good part of my heart… a reminder….

Trust is earned, not given…. and no one on this planet has a right to disrespect or abuse me…. as people will learn, upon our return to the mainland…. someday… who knows…..

I can’t say with complete knowledge that no depression at all… I think once the players have died… just as when Don did…. the memories will go back to sleep and life will go on…. and….

New memories will be made…..

Quiet this weekend, only a couple bangers….. Eyesight still wonky, mainly the right eye… the side of the head that took the trauma when I died in 67…..

As for mouth… those issues are impacting the major surgery from last year and I’m working to correct that, not fun… and the muscle relaxers help the facial spasms….. thanks Hilo VA for playing god…. hope denture comes next week…. tired of not being able to bite into anything solid….. you can only eat so much ice cream………………………..

I Remember…. Margie….

Escape was available….

In 1974 I gave birth to my 1st child… He would make my mothers father a great grandfather…. He died in an accident about 1 month after the child was born…

When mom went to Texas to deal with the estate… she came back with a suitcase full of documents and insurance policies….

First thing dad did, was try and sue the people, that were connected to granpas death… and things in the suitcase got put aside… I was working for Firemans Fund Insurance at the time, an had basic knowledge… I never saw the policies mom put away…. this was 1974….

In 2003, we moved to Mena, because I knew my dad was dying from agent orange… seen too many of my own patients and friends die from the junk….

Mom dug out the box of stuff from her dad’s estate… and I went through them… in total… back in 1974…. she had policies worth over $10,000… back at that time… that was like having $50,000…. she could have divorced and left him and ended it all right there…..

The reason for the confab…. I have often wondered why no one pursued those polices… everytime mom wanted money after Dad died, my phone rang… and I help her get survivor benefits from the VA, because dad died from Agent Orange and was a veteran…. we helped fix up the house and pointed out the pitfalls of it too… we have been flipping homes since 2000…..

So it has perplexed me why the insurance poicies were never cashed out… the people had been dead for decades…..

I showed her how to do the paper work and estimated the balance of the insurance was worth a little over a thousand dollars… and we took off to investigate other property of her dads up north…. a few weeks later we met up at church and mother hands me a check for something like $35 and says that’s from the insurance and I asked how much did you get… if I remember right… around a hundred bucks… I tore up the check she gave me….

Now my dad is not stupid… neither is mother…. both as greedy as you can possibly get and I don’t need you to believe me… the things they have done just drifted before my eyes… so much like Trump have they lived their lives…..

The money was there for mother to leave dad and put a stop to the violence…. and I doubt either of them figured that out, because in 1984, she left him, spent a fortune and went back… on the condition the violence would end….

My perspective… as I told my siblings during dad’s death watch…

The woman you know is not the woman I know….

Mother is one of the most manipulative humans I have ever met… she is keeping vital health information from me, because to admit what happen, means the truth will disolve any illusions my siblings have about her and their religion….. I truly know evil…. my daughter in law isn’t far off the mark either… the damage to my grandchildren is very evident…. and the cycle continues…. as they have been abusive towards us…. sigh…………..

Brings up the dilema of where to move too……

Life is about choices… I made some lousy ones over the years… but…. sometimes that word is a life saver…. I didn’t know about the TBI’s, concusions or strokes and seizures… and the area of impact, explains away my behavior… I just have to learn to live with it… what was once the puppet because of brain injury….

The puppet master has emerged…. It’s an interesting journey the psychology part of this….

I haven’t worked at rationalizing the actions of others the why or what fors….

Nope… I just tried to come out of darkness with my soul intack and my heart free….

I did no wrong… the ones who did this to me… can’t say that….

I Remember…. Margie…..

Anyone else doing a lot of thinking???

When Don died in 06… I shed no tears for the man I called dad… Even back at that time… I knew things were not right between us and I made him uncomfortable with my kindness, by hugging and kissing him every time I left his home…. we lived near them the last few years of his life… so easy to pop in…

When I watched the circus go down and the subsequent influx of aunts and uncles at my house after his passing… as I was not with him… that’s another drama… that only christians can manufacture… and they told me what went on… I knew I wouldn’t be there for a funeral either… We left a few days later for Khino Bay, Mexico with our 5th wheel….

This confab…. a chapter closed when he died… and when I got my memories back 2 years ago… it felt good, to know I treated him better than he ever treated me… he did so much violence and cut my light out for a short time… those ribs hurt today, 52 years later…. as do the headaches….

I made a comment to Peggy once that it wouldn’t be over till Freda was gone… that was about 15 years ago…. again… I knew something was off with the relationship I had with my mother and my sister knew this…. she knew so much as I speak of her in the past tense… yes she is living as is mother…..

What got me thinking??? How to pay for the next medical appointments I need to get more answers about my old injuries…. and to confirm progression of the ones I know of already…

Was cooking dinner and frying some fries in the skillet and oil popped, hit me all over… mostly my shirt… I felt a slight warmness, but never found the burn, until I took a shower… 2nd degree on my shoulder… another scar to add to so many….. I never felt the pain…. same goes for blood work….

Had a draw done and the kid could not hit the vein and he’s moving that needle around inside my arm looking for the vein… pulls out and does a 2nd stick….

I felt nothing…..

It’s all about muscle memory now and on that note… shower and another day of squeezing in the exercises that are keeping me mobile… but anyway… next doc’s appt… referral out for ortho and neuro, using my medicare… I should have the last hospital bill for my eyes in a few days… VA death care for me is quickly becoming a thing of the past…. now if they would just get the dental done… I would be so happy…..

good night….

I Remember…. Margie….

Laser Light show and TBI….

I am curious if anything I wrote, I was redundant about… haven’t gone back an read the blog at all… so, definitely curious if this memory thing is valid or I just make memories in a unique way because of the trauma… wonder if there is a test for that????

When we had company this year, we went all over the island… actually wore myself out, but, didn’t want our guest to know that…

One of the things we like to do… go to the planetarium and listen to lectures and see things about the stars above us… One of those shows was a laser light show… and I think I knew before it started, it was a bad idea….

I love playing computer games and we like playing with our Wii… but certain graphics make me want to lean over the throne for a while, till the world quits moving…

Had a feeling the laser lights could cause the same issue…

As we are laid back in our seats, to look at the ceiling, the show started… and it was to Pink Floyd music… at first it was okay, but as the music picked up pace… I got to thinking… remember that article about seizures and lasers or the like and my head started to get warm and I had to take my eyes off the laser show…

I made it through the hour we were there… and had no issue, once the lights cames on… and I didn’t have any kind of seizure… but my stomach was in my throat and my head hurt, like it had a hang over, with out the booze….

So… no laser light shows for me and it does explain, why I never had any interest in 3D movies over the years or 3D capability on the computer…

My brain and vision, send very bad signals to my tummy…. I’m good with passing on those activities….

I do know at one time this was not an issue… before the TV beating, we went to the local carnival in Kansas… never had a problem with movement or seeing… after that beating…. I puked all over daddy’s new car and on him and uncle… those were good days….

Aloha….

I Remember… Margie….

Mental Health Testing….

When I knew the Air Force was pushing me out to cover up the rape and attempted murder of my kids on a military installation…. I knew I would need to take the psych testing again, under different circumstances…. but like any young woman and mom and wife… life had to go on and by that time I was already a civilian with a honorable discharge….. so time was on my side… that was 1983….

While in Japan during those 4 years from 1983 to 1987….. I had one of my sons IQ tested and decided to get mine tested…. my son’s came in at 125 and he was about 8 years old at the time…. mine came in at 136… right on the cusp of Mensa… which my data was contributed to, but not my name…. I was at the beginning of finding Margie…

By the time we returned to the U.S., the Air Force said I had Paget’s disease… not a nice illness either… so they shipped us back to the U.S. to be stationed near a specialist… that doc took one look at me and said, “Paget’s is not what you have, and I don’t know what you have, but Paget’s is not it”… and he dismissed me… that was 1988….

By 92… I was working for USDA an took my divorce and job transfer and went to Washington state… where I met my hubby of 25 years… boy was he in for one bumpy ride… and it ain’t over yet….

By that time, I took the psych testing at Spokane VA, Wentachee Social Security, Arkansas, VA, El Paso VA… I know there are a couple more, but not at the front of my memory right now… El Paso was the last time I took the test in 2010….it’s results…..

“Above average intelligence and suffering from PTSD due to illness”….. the doc was good, he would have helped lots of vets… but was murdered by a patient a couple years later….. same results the others got on their testing of me, except the Air Force when they pushed me out… theirs was made up….in other words they lied… medical malpractice at it’s best…now you get how I beat the system… I proved the Air Force lied…. you can’t cheat on these tests… its just that straight forward….

By this time I had stood in Freda’s kitchen and told her I was missing memory… I was aware of my memory ability… I just never associated it with Edetic or Photographic… even though for decades, people called me a walking encyclopedia…. now they just google, instead of asking me…. true story….

When the shooting happened in Texas on 11/5/2017… a couple days later I tell hubby the story of the nightmare I had been having since I was a kid…. and the rest as they say…. 2 years later…..

Is truly history…..

We have had lots of ups and downs over the last 3 years…. and every day, something that happens that would have gotten a ballistic type reaction…. is 360 from that perspective….

The knowledge of what happened to me… is allowing the mind to heal… the soul started healing the day it cut the family off…. and when they found out I remembered… they cut me off…. the living is still not talking…. and that’s on them….

The only thing that matters on this journey, is how I have dealt with it and grown…. and I am so glad, I didn’t continue the psych counseling here… it would have delayed my progress, not helped it…. Hubby has been a good sounding board…

You hear in the news the 7 kids locked up and in living in filth… just shows you, our education system is lacking our police are hog tied from doing their job and society just goes….

If it ain’t impacting me… ignore it…. well maybe they pay tax’s an go to church… who knows… but I have seen too many turn a blind eye to abuse…. because of their gods…..

The day is started… headache on the left side of the brain and if I am right… something is going on, and its time for Xrays of that area… the last 3 teeth on the maxillary, may need to come out… need to research this, but if my guess is right… this is associated with the domestic violence and how my body adapted to the damage, not only in the body, but in the face and mouth…. just love violent people who say they are chrisitan….

I Remember… Margie and the day is off……

Thank you Trump for helping to bring to light corruption in religion and the GOP…. Thank You for being stupid beyond belief…

Hawaii puts us several hours behind the east coast… and we are in the habit of getting up around 5AM… getting old and sticking to a routine… is vital for bladder function…. We grab our coffee… love on the dogs and we turn the TV on… depending the time, either CNN or CBS or ABC, sometimes the local Fox chanell…..

After the first few minutes… we are talking and ignoring the news… it’s just a rehash of the day before and the day before that…..

I remember when Trump got elected… myself and many others raised hell about a rapist in the white house and my christian cousins started dropping me from face book, because I screamed rape… and got the same results when I was raped in the military…. dropped like a hot potatoe for a crime I didn’t commit, but had happen to me… about the same as what America is going thru with Trump and the GOP in place… corrupt chrisitians raping America…

Not a nice feeling is it???????

So thank you Trump for being the most ignorant human to occupy the oval office and christians put you there…. and that just tells me how un-educated those people are….

You can believe in gods all you want, but…. until you can prove they exist….

You are delusional…. and Trump and his supporters are past the delusional… they are just bat shit crazy…..

Dreaming and sleeping okay…. mouth is a cause for most of the loss of sleep and hopefully the VA will take care of this 100% service connected veteran…. if they don’t… we will be moving… we just have no clue where…

Some place, where there isn’t a church on every corner and a republican trying to take more from me….

I Remember…. Margie…. Sgt. USAF DAV #MeToo

Tempura dinner… Bisquick style….

Been 3 weeks since my left eye was operated on… been 7 for the right and I still can not see up close very well and the vision is all over the place… takes forever to adjust after looking at the Ipad and watch TV….

Today I was making up tempura batter from scratch for our cod and squash an zuchini…. and I am mixing it up and thinking… damn that batter looks like waffle batter… so I picked up the container and smelled it and went an got the other container out of the pantry and sure enough…. I was using Bisquick to make up my batter….

Long story short… added a little flour to the mix… battered all the food up and coated it with Japanese bread crumbs and stuck it in the frig till dinner time to cook…

Tried out my new double basked deep frier… so tired of oil spattering all over the place when I make tempura or any dish that requires frying…. and I use olive oil…. so as healthy as I can get it….

Anyhow… it all tasted good… but it didn’t stick to the food as well as just a flour batter….

So if you are in a pinch an need tempura batter… bisquick will work with water and egg, it just takes less water… you want it tacky to stick to the food…

Dinner was good… and hubby out walking it off with the dogs…..

We are hot and humid, house closed… and likely to stay that way for a few days till our trade winds come back….

Tomorrow we get our other cabinet, hopefully… today we set up the little green house…. yep we are settling in for the long haul… and you watch the VA will screw it all up….

I Remember…. Margie….

fyi containers are now marked, no more mix ups…

Mental Illness… Thank You Megan & Harry….edited

Just like anyone else, who has DNA connections to the royalty of Europe… you follow some of them… I don’t do tabloids or other junk… I actually watch and listen to them being interviewed and reading their stories and not what the press has to say or any gossip for that matter…. and I find Megan’s & Harry’s candid behavior with the mental stress of life and theirs being in a fish bowl refreshing… because they are telling you….

We are just like you and we have feelings, just like you and we hurt…. just like you….

Want to know how many times since I was child… I heard those words, let alone as an adult….

I can tell you how many times people thought I was arrogant and deserved what life dealt me….

But support for what I have and am going through…. not really…. a little internet support… but human support….

Only a couple people have been there and pushed into my every day world to be there…. that’s it…

Mostly others think I deserve what happened from toddler age to now… an they are chrisitians, who left humanity behind for a god that they made up….

I find that interesting that anyone would think another human deserves to be hit or messed with mentally….

But Trump and his base are not with humanity, they are scared of it, so much so… that hitting or verbal abuse is okay to them and they will go to great lengths to protect that fear they foster and enable….

Yep, this morning, our walk was relatively quiet and silent…. I dreamed last night and saw things… I really don’t want to see again… but the soul is jumping for joy…..

Mental illness is so pervasive in our society… some are taught to believe what others believe instead of making up thier own minds, because of fear of living in the here and now… because something else is waiting after death…

Okay on that note, before I go off on a tangent… about death… since I already have been there once already….. think it’s time to work on ancestry…. names have been triggers lately… because….

I am remembering……

Mahalo for reading my story…..

I Remember… Margie…. Sgt. USAF DAV

Squeaky is back……$&^*#

All kidding aside… after the first 2 years here and the trauma all the construction noise did… well it’s been going on for a few weeks and nada… zip… no reaction and it’s only across the street on the opposite corner, where the tonka toy squeaky is making a racket …… and… it’s not bothering me…

I would say that is huge progress with the PTSD in the last 2 years since I got my memories back… and all anyone had to do….

Tell me I was beaten to death and had multiple strokes and seizures… all before the age of 15….

All the family had to do, to give me a quality of life with the non stop pain…

Tell me….

Now you get why I have zero use for christians…. and Trump just shows exactly how evil and corrupt they are, hiding behind that religion… instead of owning the lives they were given….

I remember…… Margie…..

The Night Margie Died…. I Remember….

The air filled with stink of the refinery in Big Springs, Texas 1967…. warm air filled the room along with the smell from gas and oil being processed….

A quiet little town, with a small Air Force Base, called Webb…. that is where they sent us after Freda’s fake illness….

The tension in the air was thick, Freda was in one of her moods… so many kids and a new baby… a baby that was causing much tension in the home… the child conceived while dad was in Vietnam….

Dad now home, was working his military job and a part time job, to help feed all those kids….

I awoke to the smell of the refinery and walked to mom’s room and asked if I could crawl in bed with her…. “her comment….. as long as you are quiet”…. nightmares had become the norm for me and she was the cause….

I crawled in that big bed and fell into a fitful sleep, telling myself, sleep, don’t dream… yet the dreams came…

Sometime in the night I heard voices… mom was tearing into dad, who just got off working a 16 hour day….

The next sound was a slap and I knew, we were in for a rough night….

I crawled out of that bed, it being the last room in that long hall… I see my older brother sticking his head out of his room and we both jump into the middle to break up the fight… over a baby, not of dad’s blood….

Sometime durng all this, I died… my heart stopped, if only briefly… it stopped, the stroke and bleed went down and I had lost 9 months of my life…..

That is changing…. will the rest of that night open up for me… the central part of the book….

How the Air Force covered up murder and shipped us off to Japan, to bury the scandal…..

The story is there and wanting to come out….

I just have to relive….. the night I died…………………………………………

I Remember…. Margie….

Another Sign in…. for Word Press????

Really kids, this is getting as old as the bully in the school yard…. this is on your end of the spectrum with issues with this application and frankly after you telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about and you fix it a year later….

Trumpism is spreading like a plague upon the land and you’ll pay for crappy service and not have anything to say about it….

All because christians want control over women’ts rights…..

Pass the 50 number on signs into this blog site, because of you kids….

Want to be an adult…. quit fucking with this blog or give me back my money…..

Pissed…. again and you start my day this way???????? I send a load of Voodoo to you too….

So over you can’t fix stupid behavior by children today… including Trump and his christian mental base….

I Remember…..

Where to Move to???

That is a topic of conversation on occasion… where do we really want to move to???

We have thought of Okanogan county… but it has gotten expensive, much like living here on Hawaii… they pay as much for gas and diesel as we do here and that is a fact….

We thought of living on the west of coast of Washington state…. but people we thought we were close with have shut us out… and thus the reason for this confab….

Our daughter has gone to some lenghts to keep us in the loop… but she’s been the only one…

When we left the area back in 2002… I gave video camera to one, so we would get video of our grandkids growing up… never got one video… what I did get, cost me over a 100,000 dollars……. the last trip home in 2013, I gave another good camera so we would get pics of that grandchild… we got some, for a while….

We spent a fortune sending gifts for birthdays or holidays… when we could afford it…. we got nothing…. not even cards….

After a while… you kind of give up… because the response back isn’t worth their time… but they will take what you give… even our birthdays have no value…. mine was not remembered, except by a good friend and hubby…..

We are a nation divided, because at one time… controlling each other was easy, because of ignorance… now we are educated… we know that gods do not exist, except in the minds of the mentally ill and silver tongues are a dime a dozen and have been around, since language was developed…. and once you fall into that trap of a better world thru these beliefs… you become a people divided….

Healthy mind, versus mentally ill who believe in superstitions and religion….

One day, maybe that will be no more… in the mean time….

We don’t know where we want to move to… as with anyplace I have lived… I make the most of it… as we are doing on Hawaii….

But we really still have no clue, where we want to move to…. We are a little tired of trying to be a family while everyone has their hand out…. not much more needs to be said about that….. sounds a lot like Trump and his base and their values…..

I Remember… Margie…..

Face book no more…

Peeps are bitching because we not on FB at all…..

So instead of crabbing at me, follow my twitter feed to keep up with nonsense BS…..

or Pick up the phone an call or text…

We are not changing our internet to accommodate you…

Hugs…..

AdorableSpite@twitter

Where Is MY Veteran Health Care??? Big Island Hawaii…

Before moving to Hawaii, the big island… VA care was already a mess, though Obama was trying… but the GOP had other ideas and Veteran health care was not it… so the games and politics of my health care continues today….

As a 100% service connected and for you civilians that service connected is a huge deal… it means ALL my health care needs are to be met by the veterands administration… and….

As some of you know, I just had cataract surgery on both eyes and used my medicare, because I got tired of waiting on VA health care…. this brings my out of pocket expenses for health care, since I was awarded 100% …. over $20,000 and most of that was dental….

When I could no longer afford to pay out of pocket I used the VA in Arkansas for dental care… Care that I bitched about, since the day I went to a different dentist at El Paso VA the same year… the front upper bridge was for looks only, I was never able to use it to eat, it was to fragile and for 9 years I suffered….

In May of 2018 my dentist here on Hawaii, put in a request for implants… that was before, all the dental work I had in my mouth started to fail….

I now have only 3 teeth left on my upper mouth on the left side… and still no implants….

Reason for implants… the neuropathy from the beatings has impacted my mouth for over 10 years and wearing dentures is pain in itself…. going on 10 years of that nightmare…. wasn’t every day… but it has been every day since last summer when I blogged about it… I pop a pain pill so I can tolerate dentures, just so I can eat and they come out… now it’s wear them at bedtime, because of the upper mess and no denture to replace what has fallen out in the last few months… so yes…

Where is my Veterans health care that I was promised for wearing a uniform for 5 1/2 years?????

The military sure had no problem taking from me… and they still are today….

Thus the rant… as I realized, how much it hurt, to eat the slices of tangerine I just finised eating… because breakfast cause to much pain to chew and cause internal issues….

So where is my Veterans Health Care on big island Hawaii ????

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie….

Eye sight, not what ya expect…

When I got on the PC and used my big bertha monitor… DNA says I am still about 66% Irish, 24% French/German and then the others come into play…..

Still think it’s cool that I have a great great great X how ever many grandparent that was 100% Indian, from India… got a feeling I’m going to find that on the maternal line…

Anyway… so much for eyesight… still can’t see much on the Ipad, if I got my DNA numbers wrong earlier… Woke up with pain in the eye… so, got to remember… it’s only been 7 weeks for the first eye and 2 and a half for the second eye… vision will get there…

Back to playing…….

I Remember….

PTSD Knocked on the door all night….

In the Air Force, when they were covering up the rape and attempted murder of my kids… and I had to see a shrink, so they could come up with some excuse to push me out, since I had done no wrong… I asked the shrink this question in 1982….

“Can you change your personality”???? He said… “Not really”……………..

Needless to say, by this time I had been on the hormone replacement therapy for a full hysterectomy at 28 years old, and I knew my personality had been changing and didn’t realize it was chemical induced… man made chemical….

By the time we got to Japan and the surgeon saved my life…. they had me on Premarin… and my nightmare started in full….

Body recovering from strokes I didn’t know about… the likely hood that I had a stroke after leaving home at 18, is very slim… I have no loss of memory… just during the first 18 years of life… am I missing time….

I was cranky this morning, from the time I got out of bed, till we went on our mile walk…. not yelling cranky or lashing out… just raised voice on the issues at hand that bugged me… an as we walked back to the house… I looked at hubby and said… PTSD nightmares and he said, yep….. a pattern has emerged… and we both recognize…

It’s a step in the right direction… could I tell you what I dreamed about… NOPE… and that is frustrating… I just know, for a fact, I have never had bad dreams, except about trauma in my life….

I have never had a time when I didn’t dream…. that I can remember…. the PTSD nightmares started after the first beating, the one I call the TV interview beating at 5 years old… that wrist hurts to this day and the little finger, never was set and is crooked still…..

I get that PTSD can live with us forever… and since mine started in childhood, that is a obvious statement… 60 years later… but the way I handle the PTSD and the night long nightmares is different…

I may never get over the PTSD… but it’s not in control, like it was before….

No, now I am in control of the emotional part of this journey and that has been exhibited a lot lately in our home… the way I am dealing with the dental issues…. the lack of health care via the VA… and after I pay the last hospital bill for my eyes… doc is referring me out under medicare and I give up on the VA…. I have questions that need answering and preferably before I die….

I can get mad and frustrated all I want and spin my wheels, by letting the VA have any control… I choose not to do that… If no implants, we are out of here next year… and by the time that gets here, we will have hammered out our options and picked the one that will work best for us and go home…..

Ancestry has been fun, finding out I am only 24% British/Irish about the same French/German, toss in the Scandinavian, Asian and African…. yea… DNA testing is the most fun science I have ever done…… the Indian from India, explains the ability to tan up the way I used too… but Melnoma runs in Fredas family and out of the sun is where this sun baby is today….

So, in many ways the PTSD is leaving the house… Hubby is working on his demon and learning, I hope… and the pattern of behavior is changing… it just takes time and right now, time is something we have lots of….

For me… I can feel it and see it… and holding my tongue, not something I do often… but I am learning the grace that Margie once had, is coming back into play… and I smile of a recent incident by a Hawaiian… and I smile at her lack of Aloha…

Much like watching christians in action… you hope they get help… but bigotry will prevail for centuries to come….

As for neurology… I have had the extensive psych testing 6 times now… all but the Air Force, were the same result… PTSD… so no more psych testing… I want EEG that may give me more insight into the abnormal brain wave and referal back for the neuropathy and get retested… I think my nerves on the autonomic are just about dead in my arms, which means muscle memory is all that is keeping them functioning… and if I am right… my legs are in the same boat… worse than being diabetic…..

Questions will be answered, even If I have to pay and PTSD… I am just along for the ride as the driver…. I just sometimes fall asleep at the wheel and suffer the consequences, of a bad nights sleep…..

I Remember… Margie….. Sgt. USAF DAV

Defending the Indefenseable but god will forgive you… will humanity???

How do you defend the indefenseable??? Why believe in a god that says priest are good men and should be forgiven for the human weakness?????

Okay you got me on this topic… but I was watching a few minutes of SE Cupp, not my cup of tea…. as they say… but her statement, how defending the indefenseable had become and industry and she is right… it’s called….

Religion… a multi billion dollar business and you give permission for your kids to be raped and your country…

Not sure any of you can defend what the GOP or Trump is doing and make it make sense… because so far… all I have seen from every GOP member out there since Trump got the election….

Snake Oil…. Ponzy Scheme and the best, a tax break for the wealthy and you yahoos who believe a god is real… defend it…

Just remember… Salem Witch Trials…. Spanish Inquisition….. Holocaust….to name a few and right now….

The extermination of the Kurds under your christian watch… nope you can’t defend murder…but your god will forgive you… but will humanity???? Will your kids???

I remember….

PTSD Nightmares… still….

One thing about psychology… sometimes it gets it right with the PTSD stuff, not always, with my case… 50+ years of amnesia… isn’t the norm, according to what I have been able to find out there in papers on the subject….

The nightmares are happening, but not like before… they don’t scare me, they just annoy me, for waking me up… so now I have to train myself to acknowledge this kind of memory, so that it can open all the way….

Like I said before, at one time, I could remember every moment that passed by… which is why Freda nicknamed me, “tattle tell”… she even called me that in 2005… at the Mena hospital…. which was another trigger to remembering Margie’s death…. the woman herself, helped me remember, just by making comments, she made, when I was a child… you just can’t fix stupid, when it comes to christians and lies… they always trip themselves up… always….

The nightmares are not anymore intrusive, than having to get up an pee, as ole folks do at night… again it centers around Big Springs, Texas and when Margie died…. to me, it seems like the barriers that were up, are starting to crumble….

Taking the move out of the picture until we know what the VA is doing, helped… it took a distraction and filed it… leaving the mind free to do what it does, when you are me…. have fun….

Blood work was screwed up, so I did, get into the candy corn after midnight… so test redo and quick checkup sometime in Dec… right now… get done with the last eye post op and find out whats next for my screwy vision and get a denture, so my diet can get back to normal, but doubt it… it hurts to use the denture I have now, doubt the tissue is going to be any happier with a new full denture… neuropathy is taking it’s toll, thus the implants… no pressure on the tissue… year and a half of this non stop pain daily, from dental… 9 years of issues as it is… so over VA death care….

Wet, grey kind of day… saw lots of rigs headed up the mountain for the weekend camp out… the damage is growing from the ignorance of superstitions… but, hey, it’s their battle, their choice… we just don’t support them…. nor do a lot of people here… but you don’t hear about that…

All box’s been thru, except one, and I need the extra cabinet to unpack those kitchen items…. so we are as organized as we can get in a 1,000 sq feet and just about every inch is being used…. going to be fun, when we finish the floors…

Sad what Trump and his christian base have done to the Kurds… read the history of us sending Jews back to be murdered… blood on America’s hands… not just Trumps… all of us…. Trump did one thing, he made America the greatest country to look like a complete and total failure to humanity….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Asian in the blood…. DNA wow!!! 23andMe

Working on the ancestry research again, and I am loving it… don’t get why I have a fascination with it… but, what I learn about people is fascinating and the fact… history is just repeating it’s self, because humans bought into religion, instead of believing in them selfs…. that’s what the con is about… control over you….

Recent updates to my DNA profile was exciting…. I have a Great great grandparent back as far as the 1500 who is 100% Indian… just not native American Indian… nope… from India…. the country I have been fascinated with my whole life, now I know why…. talk about goose bumps or as they say here…. chicken skin…. wow and I have Scandinavian in me… over 2%….

So, if you are curious about who you really are and not what the bible says you are…. do a DNA test and connect to the thousands of people that came long before your god……

I am most proud of my Congo heritage on both sides of the family, 300,000 years of DNA history….

I claim the earth as my home and humanity my religion……

I Remember… Margie….

When will IT happen???

When the Airman killed 26 people in Sutherland Springs, Texas Nov 5, 2017… I had no clue, 2 days later, I would remember Margie’s death in 1967 in Big Springs, Texas… and those 9 months that have left a cavity in this edetic memory…. is starting to fill up…..

Bit’s and pieces of that fateful event, when my parents beat my 13 year old body to death….

11/7/17…. Margie woke up and the past found her when she was not looking…..

It had been 50 years since Margie died… When she woke up and NO one living told her what had happen to her that fateful night… her life would never be what it should….

A child conceived while Dad was in Vietnam…. a fake illness to get him brough home…. a few months later…. my half sister was born and I died….

My older half brother and I fought hard that night to save a baby, we knew was not Don’s… and Don knew it too….

My brother was sent to live with his dad, and his dad was talked out of pressing charges for the injuries to his son… the christian con at work…. and when my brother saw me for the first time in 2002…. his expression told me volumes, he thought I would never recover from the brutal beating that 13 year old body took…. and he knew… and is still silent to this day… Thanks Larry Linnen…..

When I told Freda I was missing memory, she refused to give me any health information that could be and would have been life altering… that was 2010… my mother refused to own her actions of killing her daughter…. I never saw the woman again… but she would reach out, when she wanted money…. and she got the money… now I don’t exist… because I remember Margie’s death…. and she still lives…. Thanks Freda Bagwell

As for the other players…. they need mental health help… the trauma of watching their sister die in 1967, affected them mentally and still does to this day, with several being misdiagnosised with mental health issues… when in reality it’s repressed memories…. PTSD……………………………….

Freda did her job well, the siblings believe her over me and that is their choice… just like it’s christians choice to believe a priest over a rape victim…

You can’t fix stupid, until stupid fix’s it’s self….and America is getting a healthy dose of that……

I Remember Margie and the christians that raped and murdered her……

Where have all the Flowers Gone???

Long night of pain… but slept some anyway…. get up and hear Cummings died… a good man, with a good heart… he led by example… he will be remembered for the good human he was…..

My twitter account averages over a 1,000 hits a day, if I do about 5 good tweets…. other wise, it sees about 500 hits daily and at least a dozen shares on some of the tweets like this morning… I am on a roll….

As for the blog… I keep those that follow this goofy page private… no one knows who is following and privacy should be considered, when I’m public… that is my choice, maybe not that of the reader….

Readership has gone down… for what ever reason…. maybe, because someone died… hopefully… sorry, but I have my rights too…

nope, not sorry…. they weren’t when they killed me…. or maybe they think we aren’t moving home anytime soon…. sorry to disappoint gang…

We have a habit of just doing it, after all the speech talking, ranting, planning, examining… we have a habit of just picking up and going…

So that being said… our departure from Hawaii will be sooner than later… as I already plan to buy a 2nd home using my VA…. just like I did when we moved here…

Unlike my family and friends… we don’t spend money on eating out, movies, clubs, yada, yada, yawn…. we spend it on getting ahead… so we can do as we please when we please….

Taking the element of surprise and folding it back up… like the last time when we went home… they didn’t know we were coming until we headed into town that day…. same thing will happen when we leave here….

Maybe that is why all this isn’t that upsetting… other than waking up last night in spasm, because of my dental issues…. that is annoying, but not in control of our destiny….

No…. we are in charge of that… not a matter of if… just a matter of when….

I am bored with this writing… but last night I had PTSD nightmares… centered around Big Springs, Texas… so who knows what tomorrow will bring… it doesn’t know, till it gets here….

I Remember…. Margie…..

Aha moment, we can move home next year….2nd VA home….

When I bought this house on Hawaii…. I already had a VA loan on the house in New Mexico…. but because I hadn’t spent the full amount I was eligible to spend… I could use my VA again, as long as the home, wasn’t near the first home…. and damn me… Hawaii be a long way from Washington state….

Even if they do my dental… I can buy another home… just like I did when I moved here….

It will be an investment property… but that is okay, we have been remodeling homes for the last 20 years… we know how to do it…..

Now that we decided that we will plan on a move next year, but keep this house until my dental is all done… in other words… I will be doing a little flying….. as we will be at the end of the implant process, so maybe a couple of flights here….

Now we just have to find out what amount we can spend on another house and start looking…. plenty of time to do that next year, when we are ready to make the move…. maybe we will be home for the holidays next year…. just got to have the property come along, we can afford….

I do love it when my brain farts work out to a plan that is achievable… it’s how we moved here…..

Aloha

I Remember…..

Last box reviewed….

How quickly things here start to smell like mildew or mold… and we found some kind of bettle in the box’s, so those got emptied and heads up on what not to pack in ….

I opened every box, unpacked what we wanted to use and things to keep busy with…. now it’s wait on the cabinet to arrive and I can put stuff away…. I really thought I had more kitchen stuff packed… guess I have been using what I have for a while… did find one new box of pyrex storage… going to all glass and get away from plastic….

I look around and that feeling of being crowded isn’t creeping in on me, like it used to… so disliked being closed in… that is changing… likely because of the PTSD changing….

Had the news on while we dug through our junk… Trump, is so much like the christians who beat a child to death, because she told the truth… he is throwing our troops under the bus… blood on his and his base’s hands… and it all could be prevented… if that base didn’t want control over women’s rights and bodies… slavery, alive and well in America as well as the worse corruption yet to hit America…. a christian racist President….

Bored with writing, not much sense… the other program is giving me a avenue to document and keep a chronological diary…. so much unrest in the world, because of men in power, wanting to keep that power, regardless the harm done to humanity….

Religion… the most corrupt and worse mental illness on the planet…. wow….

Appointments happening, care being done and still waiting on the Senator Shatz’s office to tell me, why the VA is making me suffer???? Hilo federal employees… at the VA, someone has played god, with health care and I’m not the only victim… so the word on the street is….

Once my denture comes in, out and about… weather cooling, time to go hiking and looking… take the dogs for long walks at the ocean parks… enjoy the time we have on Hawaii…..

Now that hubby has done as I asked by finding stuff, he will be off and about his yard… green house to set up… other things he’s doing to make the property look nice… our avacodos are falling off the trees… oranges almost as big as grapefruit… grapefruit getting bigger too… we’ll get to see more of the stuff we planted, mature and produce….

No construction noise… not like it was… it is slowing down… recession is starting here already…. but the demonstrators are impacting the economy also… and not in a positive way… so we will watch and build equity….

Time to get back to work and try and get as organized as possible… really don’t like a mess… not OCD neat, just don’t like a mess…

Aloha

I Remember…. Margie….

Living between 2 worlds….

Out walking our mile in beautiful Hawaii and I got to thinking of how I had been living the last 50 years before I got my memories back on 11/7/17…. in a different world than what I am living in now….

Amnesia caused by traumatic brain injury is what many troops who have head trauma will deal with… and it’s a living, walking nightmare… because you know of what it was like before the head trauma and now you have to live with the head truama…

Only 1 little problem with that scenario…. I was never told I suffered head trauma at 13 years old… the Air Force covered it up, to protect the reputation of the military and in the process sacrificed my life for that reputation….

When I tried to get records from the government… they were sealed… it will take a court order to get them… and that is something that I may do down the road… right now… it’s about how much of my past can I recover from the dark abyss of the brain….

Neurology told me, there was no physical reason they could see, per the MRI & MRA that would preclude me from remembering…. yet….

9 months is missing from my memories that this edetic brain kept locked away for safe keeping….

The birth of my half sister, conceived while dad was in Vietnam…. she was born and I died…..

Freda knows what happened and isn’t talking… the woman is living and aware… yet she changed her phone number and I have no physical address… not a issue, if you know how to get info on people and you got it… I pay for that subscription, so I can track people down… did that on a ex…you really have to know how to stay hidden in America….lil bro isn’t that smart to keep her that private…..

Her not talking, allows my brain to accept the memories as they come in for what they are… facts…. and any story she or Peggy told… gets trashed…. because just like the stories in the bible… so too are the stories Freda & Peggy told… just stories, with no value, except to the story teller….

Before the memories started coming back, I was in a twilight world… walking thru life, sometimes participating, but mostly watching….

Now that I have regained my past…. it’s starting to stay there…. just one little gray area is being worked now….. those 9 months in Texas, after I died…..

I have remembered the rest and now those memories are settling in for what they were always meant to be… part of my past and a reminder, if I had remembered… Tiny wouldn’t have any of my property now… just that simple and Freda would never had used that money for the house, but on my kids……

PTSD has lost it’s hold, I would imagine, testing would verify that… but sitting down for a hour long psych test… I’ll pass….. it’s the fact that what I am going thru now has not negatively impacted me in anyway… except, disappointed I won’t be seeing the brats as soon as I would like… and not real sure we want company as I go thru these procedures over the next year plus…..

The writing has lost some interest for me… the abuse of the chrisitans in America in silencing anyone who doesn’t buy into the man made god… is sad, but it’s gone on for centuries… look at the catholics, the worse at exterminating the truth and abusing the religion…. a multi billion dollar business is in no way a religion…… it’s a cult… look up the definition…besides, christians… it’s about staying humble and helping others… not by what I see today… you people take and never own your lives… it’s always someone elses fault…..

The day is cool, cloudy, lots of rain off and on…. back sore from bending over and unpacking so much yesterday…. house is starting to look like a home, with our personal stuff, sitting out and about….

Feel pressure in the right eye… doubt if that is a good sign, since he commented on it being there, during post op… catching a break from what christians did to my body as a child, just doesn’t seem to be in the cards….

thanks christians, never a kind word will pass my lips, because of the brain injury you gave me……… you are getting what you wanted, just not exactly the way you wanted….

I remember… Margie…..

Sky is falling, call chicken little….

Trumps stirring of the pot has everyone running around like the sky is falling and for the Kurds it is doing exactly that… all because christians want to tell Women in America what the civil rights means and that means Women have no say over their bodies because of christians… plain and simple…. their fears are now suppose to be all of societies fears….

Hell is what christians are doing to our democracy…. just that easy…

Moat, garlic farm… naw… for now, we’ll just watch the people of Hawaii protest and see how far they get… we don’t support them, but we support those being impacted by the demonstrators…. so quietly we will support who we think is in the right….

Got a call from the oral surgeons office… on the drop call list… when someone cancels they will give me a call to come over… other wise… just before thanksgiving, I am having oral surgery…. hopefully my denture will be here and that will allow me to still eat our feast, as little as it will be…..

We are more geared to doing what we need to finish off the house improvements over the next year… pay bills off and get ready for the recession…. this house may stay in the family… and we may just buy a 2nd home back home… until we see the damage Trump has done, to the economy… we are sitting still and preparing for the financial damage to come….because of Trump and his base…..just so they can control womens bodies… you can’t fix stupid… you just can’t…..

Eye surgery is tedious, but interesting… some times I can read just fine and a few minutes later, the vision blurs…. I know I have pressure in my right eye, he caught that when he did post op last week… that is the side of the head that recieved the trauama in Texas, when I died…. so I’m not suprised that eye has issues…. time, it will take time and eventually I’ll have glass’s that allow me to read without trouble… headaches… got a feeling that is the norm with reading, explains why I quit reading so much a long time ago…. reminders have been front and center during recovery…..

No new memories, just a flash here and there…. so, just going with the flow and letting life do it’s job… either I will remember the things I am looking for, or I won’t… the brain has challenges too… but you hope muscle memory works in that gray cloud too…. always hope I will get more back…..

Losing interest in writing…. so much drama going on, so many other things I could put my time towards…..

Getting organized for the long haul…. house is getting crowded again… reminds me of our living in the 5th wheel for over a year… that was interesting when we did it for 6 months with 3 big dogs and 2 little ones… now we are down to 2 big ones… so many passed over the years…. an ours are 8 years old this month…. an gray…..

Day started, hot already and muggy… AC on and it’s quiet in the house… just the noise of the TV in the background…. Exercises done and helping…. pain pill still taken… pot helps, but not with pinched nerves…..

Have a beautiful day….

I Remember…. Margie….

Life goes on….

For decades I made the effort to keep in touch with my birth family… not so with them… and as my memories open up, I see the workings of a deranged mind… and my thoughts flash to Trump and his killing of the Kurds… Vietnam all over again….

We all know we can’t change the past… what happened 1 second ago is done, you can redo, but you can’t take it back…. life goes on…..

Had to do blood for the doc, concern over a thyroid level… so had to skip all the supplements for a couple days… so the reading would be true… sugar will be up, I think, I was asleep though, but I think I got a hand full of candy corn during the night… taste in my mouth was the give away… but the blood should be normal, other than sugar level…. ooooops….

Did my 3D mammogram… medicare covers it… that too should be normal…. we did DNA testing, I don’t carry the gene for breast cancer…. I was just exposed to Agent Orange….

We are in town early, everyone busy getting their day started, a easy feeling in the air… and it dawned on me… they are celebrating Columbus day and that was why the lab was closing at noon…. so people were off work…. and it was nice… and friendly… though one banger ruined, when in traffic….

Hubby is building himself a greenhouse… he’s out doing his shopping and doing what he likes to do, play in his yard….

Looking at all the growth the fauna has done this year, tells me, by the time we do leave here… this house will not be seen from the road… or the only next door neighbors… privacy at it’s best….

Since we will be here much longer, I plan to pursue the specialist using my medicare… just one thing at a time… as I am only seeking confirmation of what I already know things are… the neck and nerve… just getting them to back up my diagnosis…. no hurry, already do what I can for the issues related and PT, looks like that will be medicare too… so over VA death care here on Hawaii……

Keep doing my exercises, have to, no choice… find that out ever time I am restricted on activity for more than a few days… the weakness spreads rapidly and I have to start over as if I hadn’t been working out… it’s that progressive…..

Told hubby, NEVER remind me, halloween candy is in the store… I’m full, an he loves the stuff and doesn’t gain weight… not fair….

Every once in a while a sound or smell will trigger a vague memory… can’t tell if I have a road block up and am not letting it come forward… or am I going to need hypnosis… guess we won’t find that out… either I will or won’t remember the rest….

Day warming, breeze in the air, sound of birds… no construction or road noise… time for some relaxing….

Aloha

I Remember… Margie….

Acceptance, this is a hard one…

I’m ready to buy our forever home… this time the VA won… we are staying put, until my health care needs are addressed…. not what I want to do… but… always that little word… I’m 65 and have medicare, so not all will the VA be involved with… for me, it’s looking more just like the dental and perscriptions… the inhaler is ridiculous expensive…

What is good about this… when hubby said what he wanted… he meant it… he wasn’t putting the matter off on me, he said how he really felt… logic won out….

From what I read about the procedures… I have already had a precursor to it in Arkansas VA, when they did the bridge that broke last week…. they implanted bone… no big deal… so for me, if my local dentist is in agreement… I prefer he do it and that way I have a say in the direction we go…. plus, no driving to the other side of the island….

Spent my morning unpacking kitchen stuff…. we already plan how to exit when it’s time… so packing again, will be different… we are selling the house set up… just bring your suitcase… I would have had to unpack stuff to do that anyway… like christmas in October, okay, a good halloween…… bought enough candy and we don’t get trick or treaters….. ooooops….

Got my jewelry stuff getting organized… books on how to do… instructions I can do… creative… not so much….

We are also finding, we don’t have a problem with the AC on at night… we have been getting an extra 30 mins of sleep, we’ll take it… 5:30 is early enough….

Restrictions over, and exercises done… the difference in the connective tissue after, is reminding me, how important it is to do them every day or I won’t have anyone to blame but myself for not being able to move….

We have set goals to accomplish on the house and savings for the move…. things we want to get to take home with us… an money to buy our next home… always helps to have goals, when life makes other choices for you….

Aloha

I Remember… Margie….

Patience is not a Virtue… It’s a Skill…..

When you have been terrorized by the people that brought you into this world… you get what the people in Syria are going through… deep thought on that statement….

Watching the news and the Turks killing the Kurds… brought to mind the picture of the helicopter loading the last few in Vietnam or the planes running down the runway so loaded, they might not get out, before the slaughter happened… Blood on Trumps hands and the base that supports him… so many lives will be lost because these people want control over Women’s bodies and my rights… all because of a fake religion…. mental illness at it’s best and in all it’s glory… wow…………………………………

The day has turned hot already and not even 8 AM… and my mind goes to the Kurds… I have seen too much death and can hardly believe we are allowing it to happen… all of us…. today is not a good day for America……

The reason I said patience is a skill, because it involves using the mind…. not so with religion… with religion you believe in what others think is the way to live and think… so you quit growing….

Patience is what I’ll need as I go through what is to come, because deny me care, they can not… they made me wait from 2011 to 2019 for a rectocell procedure…. this dental is impacting my over all health, the clock is ticking and hubby sees the trauma I go through everythime we eat dinner or breakfast…. it’s not fun…. autonomic neuropathy is having a field day….

Hubby digging in the storage sheds for stuff, so that I can be productive at something… I like making antique jewelry, so we are digging out my stuff and magnifier, for the detail work… I think that will be my christmas gifts this year, if I have the supplies…. or maybe do black pearls, I can get C+ quality localy of fresh water pearls….

Working on the ancestry, taking care of the house, jotting stuff down for the book, doing jewelry…. and in between all that, getting my dental done…

So filling my time, so that I am not idle, will enforce the patience on waiting to go home…. finish what I started…..that in it’s self is rewarding……

Time to go help hubby and move stuff back in…..

Have a beautiful Sunday…..

An FYI… no depression, wishful thinking, you betcha… but not depressed…..PTSD is losing the battle….

I Remember Margie…..

Neuropathy takes so much from just feeling….

Back in 2008, is when I noticed the tightness in my feet, in the pad areas….

According to PT, this is related to the neuropathy and beatings I received as a child…

Some of the exercises help pull and lengthen the areas that are pulled tight… lets explain it this way, because any of you can try it and you’ll get an idea of what patients like me deal with….

If you have a family member that wears the heavy… not light, but heavy compression stockings that have the foot on them…. try that on and try moving your foot in all directions… now add 10X more pressure like weights and do the rotating movement the up and down and you’ll find it’s difficult, your legs get tired fast, if you have the weights on and you’ll get a taste of my struggle to stay mobile…. and why I fell down so much before I started doing the physical therapy… which just a FYI, I haven’t hit my lips in a while… so the exercise helps, but it’s just a stop gap measure…

I have very little sensation as far as feeling goes in my feet… they are reasonably numb and injuries happen all the time, so the habit of checking my body over, before showers is necessary… I have lost a lot of nerve sensation through out my whole body… that is why when surgery causes a new pain… the new pain can be more pronounced… because I am not use to that paticular pain….

It’s an experience I’ll give you that and I am still waiting on the VA to send me back for more PT, so I can continue to be independent… that was a few months ago… prompt and courtious health care… just not in Trumps vocabulary…not that he had much of one to begin with…. ya know… It was a wonderful conversation???!!! the dude is a joke….as are most christians….

So we are setting up house for the long haul, as we have no clue how long all this is really going to take, because anything can happen in oral surgery… I know…. that was my favorite job in the military…. I loved doing surgery….

The day has started, we put together a cabinet to go with the TV cabinet, and had to order the 2nd one, Walmart discontinued them…. rearranging the office so I can set my craft up and give myself more to do… but looking at the room, not sure, where I am going to put anything… it’s a little house…

Last night we noticed on the security camera a mongoose in the yard… eating where we feed the dogs… so dogs now get fed inside… we lost our big boy to the lepto virus when we moved here… don’t care to lose his brother and sister… those mongoose carry the virus…

Things to do, and things to put away so I can ask where the hell did I hide that object… always that way, when we set up house…. at least I’ll unpack some of my kitchen and have more of my gadgets to use….had to donate the last new electric griddle… I dropped it… think I am done buying them, can’t hold on to them, broke 3 in one year… go figure on that, neuropathy rules the days….. sometimes….

I Remember… Margie….

Hawaii and Health Care for this 100% Service Connected Veteran, will not be fun and will cost me….

Health care under the Military was bad enough… I was born into a military family and had military health care up to when I got pregnant with my first child after being raped…. from that point I was on welfare after I was forced to quit working while pregnant… complications that mommy dearest could have helped with if I had been told I had a stroke and seizures because of their beatings… but daddy was still active duty and that scandal just couldn’t be…

By the time I had my 2nd kid… I knew I needed reliable health care, so I went active duty a couple months after my 2nd son was born and now you know… I have had continious health care, until the VA came along in 1984, when I filed for benefits…..

From 1984 to 1991 I was a dependent wife, so military was still my health care and boy did they contintue to get it wrong…

From 1977 to 1983 I was active duty and not one doctor got it right and it was more important to protect Vance AFB from scandal so I was pushed out to cover up the rape and attempted murder of my kids in base housing… Federal installation and the base commander decided to keep the FBI out of the picture…Men in power protecting men in power… It was the 1st Sgt. son who raped and tried to murder my kids…nothing changed since I got pushed out in 83…..

From 1991 I used VA until I was able to get a federal job in 1992 and still used VA, but they had my disability rating wrong, so I had to use private insurance thru my federal job and still didn’t get the care I was qualified for thru the VA…..

By 1998 I had been awarded 80% service connected with 20% unemployable, thus making me a temporary 100% service connected DAV… disabled veteran….

By 2004 I had proven the military had lied and I was awarded permanent service connected 80/20…..

In 2013 or there abouts, not sure when this changed after the appeal and IG complaints….

But now I am 90% service connected disable veteran and 10%unemployable… permanent…..

Now you tell me… I have proven the brain injuries and you are going to tell me 100% isn’t my right????? Wow !!!!!

I have already dished out of pocket since 1998 over $20,000 for my own health care that should have been taken care of by the VA… the most corrupt government organization out there…. the VA…. and lots of veterans work for the organization and are just as corrupt… caught them first hand at El Paso VA… identity theft… mine and I have been paying for credit monitoring for 7 years because of El Paso VA compromising my social security number and using said number internally at El Paso VA for false billing for care done outside the VA that I never received…. the corruption is thick at El Paso VA…. and I am one of their victims…. credit monitoring has cost me about $1000 for the last several years to protect myself and husband….

Thanks federal government…. actually it’s not the entity that is corrupt its the employees…. and Tri west is just as bad with rude vulgar employees and I don’t use them anymore either…. I use my medicare as much as possible… which that being said… I got the hospital bills…..

So for my cataract surgery, where I didn’t have anything done extra… yet… but out of pocket with the deductable, because I hadn’t used my medicare this year… it will cost me right at $2000 out of pocket….

Fortunately we don’t have much credit debt, so these bills are being paid as soon as they come in… it just cuts into the amount of credit card debt I can pay on… a couple of months and I am back to our regular bill schedule… just means no money going into savings for our move home… and If I need laser work done in office that medicare does not cover, that will come out of pocket and I have some issues we know that are related to the military cover up of Margie’s death… those injuries impacted her eyes… and I will need to dish out a little more money for that work… I expect it to be a couple more grand, if medicare doesn’t cover the extra things I need done for quality vision… medicare just gives the basic care and not much more…

We are unpacking stuff and I am getting organized…. If any family and friends want to come visit while we are on Hawaii for a couple more years… we are trying to set things up so it’s just a desk we take down and put a bed in it’s place…. why….

Because after going back over the conversation with the dentist when he brought up the implants… we are looking at 2 years for the implant process to be done, because on the maxillary I need bone implanted for the implants to have a place to be put… that takes about 6 months to heal and I got a feeling the upper area is going to be a trying process…. with no one here to bug me… I can recover and not have to worry about entertaining anyone… I have control over when people come to Hawaii for a free vacation….

In the end… my health care is being taken care of… it’s just costing this 100% service connected veteran money that should be going to groceries or other important bills…. not for my health care I wore a uniform for and got raped in…. I paid my dues… it’s time the country paid theirs… and with christians in control…. our military is expendable… always have been… because they believe in life after death… now tell me you can fix that stupid thinking???

It does give me more time with the mental side of this journey….

I know hubby is working on his demon, his attitude is changing slowly….

People don’t realize when you hold in the negative from events in your life, it distorts your thinking process, you get to much into your head over what If’s what could have been… when in reality… you can’t change the past….

But you can learn to live with it….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTelll

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember…. Margie…. before the christian religion murdered her….

Hawaii, do we stay or go East???

The implants will happen, but do I really want to be here another 2 years???

Am I unhappy with Hawaii or just frustrated from being away from the kids for so long and just ready to go home an spoil them???

Hubby wants to stick it out… be better prepared and not seat of our pants kind of move this time….

He makes good sense….

And I feel my body tense and the neck go, knock off the tension…. my choice… my choice….

If we stay, we will have to invest into the property, no way around it… the house will be 5 years old soon and here, exterior paint don’t last long…. We will need to put the Fujitsu 2nd split AC system in and finish the Pergo flooring… about $10,000 and I may not recoup it if we are in a recession when we do sell…..

Interest rates, recession, crystal ball, some one please beat Trump at the end game….

It looks like after our morning confab… we are staying until the VA does what I earned… take care of me….

A shopping I will go, a shopping I will go…. high ho the deerie o… a shopping I will go….. hubby wins…. but so do I…

I Remember….. Margie….

Dentist comment notes… cont.

I had taken 2 pics with me for him to see my natural smile and bite…

His comment got my attention and when I commented back, it dawned on him the physical issues I was having were impacting my dental… finally, he got it….

With neuropathy like I have, the tissue that connects everything and makes things work and communicate with the brain… mine have pretty much stopped working, thus the need for exercise… muscle memory…

The dentist said I showed my bottom teeth when I smile now… that is because of the exercises I do for the TMJ and my neck, they have released the pent up tention that was in my face from the time of my stroke in Big Springs, Texas 1967…. 50 years I have lived with this awful issue… adults beat a child to death… how brave….

Anyway… I digress…. the exercises help to make the connective tissue not so dead an in your way and the exercises allow me to function… just as with someone who broke their neck and they can’t turn said neck as far as they could before the injury… same too with the tissue and all the junk that makes up our anatomy….

So my smile has changed, because I work on those areas that are tied so tight together in spasms and nerve pain and damage…. I can function… not as good as I would like… but tolerable… The more I learn from PT, the more I have control over the broken body…. we are only as old as we feel…. I’m holding at 39…..

I Remember… Margie….

Lost count how many times I had to sign into my own site with Word Press… Really kids????

Bullying alive and well, negligence, ignorance… yada, yada… why did I have to sign into a site I have never signed out of?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Edetic or Trauma… How I make memories…

This one has stumped me since I read the medicine behind it or the psychology…

I have pleasant memories… but, they are not as vivid or in detail like the memories of trauma….

When the dentist said he had been waiting for that front bridge to fail… I realized… my dental care had been impeded by me, because of Trauma by the Little Rock VA dental procedure, who made said bridge… and my mind went to that place and didn’t leave it, every time I entered the dental clinics here… I was in survival mode and because of that…. I didn’t hear as well as I should have listened…. and it cost me and is costing me….

If we experience a life time of trauma… our brain, like any other muscle, has a memory and pattern it will follow… and the only way to break the cycle of self abuse or survival panic mode… break the pattern by becoming aware of the DeJaVu you are enforcing upon yourself….

It would be so easy to blame this on everything else, except myself… but it’s my brain doing the abnormal brain wave and causing my reaction… I so want a more indept EEG…. I want to know exactly why this is happening in the brain….

I marveled the other day as I was fixing my baby food dinner…. that I wasn’t losing it during this period of trauma…. and again that aha moment… I had changed the way I reacted to events in my life, putting them in less invasive categories of moments and taking the trauma aspect out of the picture….

Essentially I am just taking control of my world, instead of letting the past own it…

It felt so good to go to bed last night, realizing… I was gaining control over what the past left me as a gift….

A broken body and a mind that refused to give up on Margie….

That being said, I went back over the conversations I had with my dentist in Hilo and realized, I had vacated when he told me about the implants…. scared I ran the other way instead of listening to him…. this is what he told me last year….

The implants will take us up to 2 years to complete… that was with the bridges in tact in May 2018…..

2 years and that I am betting on it… with the lost of teeth 3 thru 11, the maxillary just got tricky on surgery, yada, yada……… yawn…. an that may take the specialist I have been seeing for the extractions… reconstructive kind of surgery and so much more I don’t know about, because I already forgot what I read…. hate when the short term memory farts on me… but the conversation, that is easy for me to recall….. weird…

I do have options, partial plate gives me the false appearance of teeth, functional, we’ll see… so we can move home if we chose next year…. If I do the implants…. we could be looking at 2021 and that scares me, with the economy already showing signs of recession and interest rates will climb like they did under Reagans legacy…. 12% for a mortgage…. ouch……

I have to weight the pros and cons of staying here longer than next year… it’s a good time to buy our forever home and get what we want an not settle… we wait, an that may be out of our price, because of the recession…. lived thru to many of these and stayed above water… getting to old to play that game anymore….

Eye surgeon says my vision declined… and I knew it would… no one wanted to hear me for decades about the brain bleed on Japan and subsequent need for glass’s…. now that I have the MRI… no one argues with me about my vision… finally… no clue what is next, except a new perscription, my old one is too strong…. still early in the process an last post op is the end of the month… things could improve….

Other than wanting confirmation about my neck…. see Neuro and Ortho…. What comes next is looking more on what I want and nothing else… Spoiling babies or stay on Hawaii and watch the Aloha drain into the ocean…

This will be a tough decision… finish what I started or go home…. an USPS says I have bills from the Hospital… so mail run late today and see IF I can afford to use my medicare for the other doctors I want to see…

I Remember… Margie….

Doctor surprised me…

Rant over about Trump and base… you can’t fix mental illness by yelling at it… but I sure would love to kick Trumps ass a couple times!!!

The dentist surprised me… he is making the denture and he’s actually doing a good job… he also does the dental implants… so some time along the way I didn’t understand who would do the implants… and it seems, the guy I have been seeing here in town, would have done them… IF… I hadn’t broke my front bridge work…. that just made the whole thing a lot more complicated… becasue of the maxillary sinus…

It isn’t unusal for someone to have perforated sinus because of dental surgery… I have already had my maxillary palete operated on, when I was 17 on Okinawa… so I should be okay with modern denistry….

The doctor told me that since the bridge broke and we are talking doing implants for #3 thru #11…. that’s a lot of wholes to put in the maxillary bone on someone like me who’s bone structure is damaged….

So, what this all means to me… I may have the surgery here in town, I may be referred to the surgeon on the Kona side… until he decides if its too complicated for him… an I have some thinking to do….

The partial will be ready by the end of the month… the doctor wanted to get me set up, because of all the medical issues that have been documented because of the dental problems…. Finally someone has been listening…

A few more weeks of trying not to take in so much air when eating and hopefully not go crazy with the diet I am forced to eat right now…. this should all work out??? Maybe??? I got no clue…… I just want….

My 2 front teeth for christmas………

Night all

I Remember…..

English…not that hard to articulate Trump!!!! or shut the hell up!!!

Wow!!! Trump just does not shut up his lying hole and that is all any christian does is LIE!!!!! So OVER IT!!!!! So TRUMP SHUT THE HELL UP!!! You never say the truth and you wouldn’t know the truth if it was branded on your tongue… You speak english with so little regard to the language or what the words mean and you twist them to suit your agenda!!!!!

WHEN DO WE STAND UP TO CHRISTIANS AND SAY NO MORE WARS!!!! NO MORE LIES!!!! NO MORE RAPE IN THE NAME OF GOD!!!!!!

Watching the Kurds be exterminated is like watching them leave Vietnam and so many of our allies were executed!!!!!

Trump is Hitler or the Anti Christ or Satan or just a man that people thought would change the world to their liking instead they got the ANTI CHRIST HIMSELF!!!!!

Anyone that supports Trump, never tell me… because if you do….. run…. mother fucker…. run and don’t stop running until you are off the planet!!!!

So over christians murdering innocent people because they don’t believe in the man made god they made up!!!!!!

May what ever gods that do exist have no mercy on the souls of the people supporting Trump or the christian church!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV Democracy over Religion for a reason!!!!

Taking it back from the Stroke….

Adjusting to all that I am remembering and adapting to what my body has lived with for over 50 years… and learning all this in the last 23 months!!!

It’s a large amount of information to absorb and not go off your rocker…

Throw in a dash of PTSD and my cup runneth over….

Getting past the depression that held me back from the physical part… the lack of motivation to get off my ass and be active again, wasn’t because I couldn’t, it was because I couldn’t accept that any human would do what they did to that child at 13 years old….

And there are moments where I find it difficult to accept…. only because….

I don’t remember….

The MRI’s & MRA’s and bone scans and nerve induction tests… don’t lie…. the evience has always been there… just getting it all together and have the memories kick in too….

What are the odds??? After 50 years I would start remembering….

Accepting the damage done to my body by others is difficult for any survivor to do… because they didn’t do the damage to their own bodies, other humans did…. and you just want to go back in time and stop it from happening….

Been there and tried to do that… it doesn’t work… nor does praying it away or asking or begging gods to fix things… people are being murdered right now in Syria because of Trump & his christian base…. dude is worse than Hitler….

Only I can fix what is fixable… or at least get the doctors to recognize it and get a plan to fix it, which is what I requested from the VA in Aug an not a word… no Neuro, no Ortho…. with the bills in for my eye surgeries, I will have my doctor request through medicare…. enough of VA death care…..

Long day ahead, eye post op…. dental for wax try in for teeth placement…

The autonomic neuropathy is having a field day with the teeth missing…

I know for a fact, this would not be an issue with the missing teeth, if I didn’t have other damge to my esophagus from the boob incident and the sliding herniated stomach… I could deal… not so, when it was taken out of your control decades ago…. like I said, it got interesting when the VA bridge Little Rock did failed, an it was doomed from the get go… that was another traumatic event in a VA facility…. my dentist here was shocked the frontal bridge for 9 thru 11 teeth, lasted 9 years… it was never usable to eat and it constantly cut my lip… so over VA death care….

Long day ahead, back and forth, rain is miserable and flooding is happening north of us… hope all stay safe… the people on the mountain are getting hammered and the cost for them and the protest… hitting $10 million… and police response time is life threatening as we found out this week….

Already had fun on twitter… sad to see the GOP throw an allie under the bus… but they support Trump, so they support the extermination of the kurds…

christians are never held accountable for their corrupt religion and it’s ugly truths….mass hysteria is a real condition…. just look at mass suicides because of religion….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie

Stroke took 50 years of my life…

Most people know they had a stroke… and just like with heart attacks, you usually know when it happens… Not so with Silent Heart Attacks and Strokes… Do I think that is what happen to Margie??? No…..

Margies head injuries, subsequent seizures that started after the first severe beating at 5 years old, that was the begining of Margies memories fighting for survival… the body is still at it….

I know I had multiple concusions from age 5 up to 12 years old, at least a half dozen I can confirm with the memories of symptoms…

When Big Springs, Texas happened in 1967, that was blunt force trauma to right side of my skull, actually have a dent… that is the stroke the MRI caught and the blood on the brain is from Japan a year later… same people that killed me, tried again at age 14… my belated birthday present….

That stroke on Japan was the memory taker…. it was gradual and as I get familiar with this abnormal brain wave and recognizing when it’s happening… I can see a pattern over the last 5 decades, that was progressively stealing my memories….

The MRI shows no damage that would preclude me from remembering my childhood, but…. as with any brain injury, the text books can only do so much….

I have no fear of remembering anything that happened in the past, but I know the subconcious can take that away from me too, no matter how much I want it….

The living are not talking and they will take the secret to their graves and they will leave a note saying how sorry they are, so they can feel good about it at their death….. I kid you not, christians are the most mentally ill people on the planet, I imagine other religions are not any better….. but that is how they will justify the cruelty they dished out……..

Killing Margie….

Go figure on that one… You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to decide that they are the god and not a crutch someone made up to deal with the wrong they did to another…..

I Remember…. Margie….

Chaneling my deep seated anger….

Yesterdays domestic violence brought it all home again… It happened before and he’s always armed… you let the authorities do their job an hope they get help….

The mans screaming an anger brought to light my own anger over the living not talking and my taking it out on everything I feel like attacking…

I remind myself, Margie has only been awake 23 months… the truth of what happened in those 4 walls, took a while to sink in… the players that took over my life in so many ways… Steven King would have a field day with this CreepShow but I think more the Twilight Zone… as it still is……

Mass hysteria a known thing that happens over time… People will take their lives in mass suicide, because someone told them the end was here…

Mauna Kea, the people are taking from those of us, who have a say, but are silenced by the money coming in to support the demonstrators and I think of the screams of yesterday and how long before we saw cops…. we are in the boonies, and not easy access….a perfect opportunity….

Again my mind goes back to the man screaming as I scream the cops are coming an he threatens… and I scream louder, multiple times, “The Cops are coming”… giving the woman hope….

It has left me drained… not wanting to be on twitter with smart ass remarks about christians and Trumps corruption in plain sight…. it’s so yesterday and measures are in place, I know, I worked the jobs…

My vote, will be my voice… but twitter, wise ass remarks yes… backing off the base??? They didn’t back off me, when they killed me………………………..

I Remember…. Margie…..

The Stroke Muscle Memory…

I would have never thought that a stroke would make you make muscle memory that never goes away, because it’s related to the stroke…

Going on 10 months that I have known for a fact, MRI kind of facts… that a stroke and TIA’s have happened… Nothing recent… but the evidence was there all along and no one caught it… not even the Oregon Contrast CT scan they did at the VA and I was pissed at that neurologist, because I knew something was wrong… that was 2001…… the MRI I had done here, 12/26/18 showed the VA missed again….

Clues about the stroke have always been with me, but I didn’t KNOW, those clues were connected to a stroke, I thought they were all connected to the neuropathy… so I have had to learn the difference….

A memory from Japan, after the brain bleed because I pissed off Freda & Peggy… Don beat me senseless and it scared the crap out of them and changed my life forever…. the habit that started after that stroke….

I slept with my left hand between my knees, because I couldn’t always control the left arm and make it stay where I wanted during the night… again, a moment in time I made my self remember, so that when Margie woke up… the memories would make sense….

This amnesia is beyond twilight zone… so much I have to make sure is a real memory and not a plant from the family….

The habit is one I continue to this day, if I don’t have a pillow for sleeping between the knees… something orthopedic had me start doing in the military to give me back pain relief….

Anyhow……. that surgery last year, the rectocell… where the surgeon said I couldn’t pick up anything heavier than my bath towel for 3 months and gallon a milk after that up to 6 months… to insure the surgery took… that time, when I was forced to be in-active, something foreign to me… is when I knew I had a stroke at some time in the past…. and I hit the medical records and forced myself to go back to as far as I could remember…. nada… nothing… and when I requested records from the government… they were sealed… my story, my history sealed…my life stolen by my own government….

To protect men in power, who are right now protecting men in power…

Garlic farm, moat… yep I can see the farm in my minds eye….

I Remember… Margie….

Maybe I Will, Maybe I Won’t…

I asked hubby why he hadn’t taken a picture of me toothless for the memories… and he looked at me wide eyed and said, would you wan’t me too and of course I said no…. even I can see in the mirror, my face has loss form, because of the missing teeth…

Will I take a picture for the memories… I really doubt it…

We have been married 25 years and we rarely take pictures of each other… or selfies… just not into it I guess…

Must be a generational thing….

I kind of think it will be fun when we go home and people see what we really look like and not one of our gag pictures… we do, do them….

The lines are more pronounced… the sagging skin heading south in areas that just can’t fight gravity… the hair… this last 12 months, the gray I thought is actually white, is coming in, in streaks… aging… I don’t feel older…

I still look at the world the way I did so very long ago, before religion contaminated a virgin mind… it took a while to expell the demons of white mans religion… but once gone, wow, the world is so much more fun… even when you are dealing with health issues….

Try to leave the news off, till we hear Trump is resigning… but oh lordy, they’ll be taking that dude out in a straight jacket… he just can’t believe he’s not going to continue to get away with the con…. but if he does… that oh lordy will be oh shit and here I come garlic farm and moat…..

I Remember… Margie…..

I Miss the Aloha

Years ago, I stayed at Turtle Bay and Trippler, and I experienced the Aloha of Hawaii over those many months I was there, the time of Disco fading….

As I returned to Japan to work and move back to the mainland, I bragged of that time of Aloha on Hawaii….

Many decades later, my husband decides he wants to experience the aloha of Hawaii…

By the time we had been here 2 years, we were ready to go home…

I have blood connection to Hawaii… Uncle Lee & family spent time in the interment camps, yet he went on to serve the nation….

My granddaughters father is Hawaiian and she just gave us another one to love and cherish, along with his native American heritage…

Hawaii felt like home, once… Not anymore….

Many kapuna we meet, have told us, Aloha is no more…

Yesterday I listened to a woman scream for over a half hour for help… We called 911, unable to assist, we did what we could… took a half hour plus for a cop to show up, but we don’t know for sure, they could have come from a different direction, it did get quiet, the house is a couple acres away… she has good lungs, but we don’t know who was assaulted….

The behavior of many is hurting the few, because right now the many have the loudest voices, because to become vocal, you become a target and here… Hawaii has it’s gangs too….

No longer feeling comfortable and safe…. ready to leave Hawaii right now… but that is because of the domestic violence I am being exposed to… as we don’t know who or exactly where someone was assaulted, you can only look over your back as that is all any can do… we did see the women that live there, but we aren’t sure they live there… it’s a sketchy setup, since they moved in… and I hope someone gets help, before someone ends up dead…

I Remember… Margie….

Lying, Stealing, Cheating, Rape, Murder, Death, Birth, Military cover up… and christians that do all of the above…. Why do the religious do the worse to humanity?????

News, I don’t know about you… but it feels so much like Nixon all over again or the Clinton bull shit over oral sex…. When do we quit enabling these morons and hold them to the beliefs they spout but don’t live????

Never… of course, that is what religion and politics is about… smoke and mirrors and anything but truth, honesty, integrity, morals, values, ethics or equality…. nope religion and politics and other peoples fears is what rules our nation and most other countries….

No matter how much psychology or science is put out there…. mass hysteria of politics and religion will rule the day instead of common sense…

Once you give up your soul to a religion, you sold your humanity to that company store… and not one politican has had the balls, or brains… to stand up a say religion is just hookum….

But Trump and his base… just murdered our allies in Syria… Trump is the equlivent of a Anti Christ… and humans are just the devil in disguise… because their god will forgive them….

Wonder if every priest, preacher or boy scout leader thought that as they raped in the name of your god?????

I Remember… Margie….

Cataract Surgery Medication…. for your information only….

My first eye surgery on the right eye at the end of August… this is what the regiment was:

Diclofenac drops 4 times a day that is the pain med….

Ciprofloxacin drops 4 times a day that is antibiotic….

Prednisolone drops after surgery 4 times a day….

The duration for taking these is started on Sunday and Surgery was on Wednesday a few days later and the drops are used for up to 4 weeks…

The right eye, I was ready to rip it out… the pain medication Diclofenac was virtually useless costs $400+ at Walmart which was the cheapest and it didn’t do that good of job for the pain, the stinging or the discomfort….

The left eye surgery was last week on Wednesday… and I had forgotten to have my doctor order the drops when I did my physical… so the surgeon provided me with a subsitute sample for the pain med…. this is as follows…

Tuesday, day before surgery 1 drop of “Bromsite”… pain medication….

Tuesday, day before surgery 4 drops thru the day of the Ciprofloxacin antibiotic….

Thursday, day after surgery, I started the Prednisolone drops….this is a steroid…

The Bromsite has been the best for pain… I get up and the first thing I do, put the drops in about 5 minutes apart, so they can work effectively and the first drop I use… Bromsite for the pain….

I have not woke up and rubbed my eye, or messed with my eye… the left eye surgery with Bromsite for pain was and is a lot easier to deal with than the right eye that used Diclofenac for pain….

That was my scenario with my cataract surgery…. Right eye was hell for the first 2 weeks…. Left eye, quit bothering me by Sunday… 4 days after surgery….

Just a FYI for anyone going in for eye surgery…. I checked and I think, because I couldn’t see the numbers clearly, the Bromsite was less than $200 versus the Diclofenac which was over $400 at Walmart and over $500 at other pharmacies….

This is my cataract surgery results….

Now, as for vision… Glass’s are definite for me, I got the long range lens installed, so that I wouldn’t need glass’s when driving or watching TV… but up close, yep, I’ll need them to see clearly…..

Surgery was worth having done… I used my medicare and so far I expect to pay about $1,000 out of pocket for everything, including the eye drops I had to pay for, because I forgot to have the doc order from the VA…

I Remember…. Margie and how her eyes changed after her dad beat her an gave her a stroke at 14 years old, via mommy dearest…. I quit waiting on the VA to take care of me…. 100% service connected veteran and I am paying for my health care… yea for christians and Trump..

Supreme Court Judges playing God… so much for your fake god…humans are it…

WHO AN WHAT has a right to determine someones sexual orientation??? A bible written by jewish bigots a couple thousand years ago?????

The only one who can determine who an what we are…..

ME an yourself!!! Not some man made god that promotes idol worshipping!!!!!

I Remember Margie

Domestic Violence Makuu & 7th Street only occupied house…. Hawaii, HPP

Domestic violence is a big thing on Hawaii, that’s what you don’t hear about when you come to paradise… how violent the natives are and oh boy are they violent and children and women are the number one targets and thanks to Trump and his base, it won’t get any better, and a whole lot of kids and women will suffer… some men too… but mostly women and kids… It was a woman screaming earlier…

Cops came, no arrest, no ambulance nada…. men in power protecting men in power….

Been like that since christians came on the scene and made women less than men… don’t figure how they did it, but that is where they have kept women for several thousands of years because of christians…. other religions just fed off of it and put their own slavery in place against women….

So many I hear from defend their religion…

You don’t hear me defending how I was born…. atheist… you were born the same way, you just decided you needed a god in your life instead of yourself….

Our afternoon walk will be interesting… as I usually don’t go… today I will….

If hubby is going to get shot for calling the cops, I intend to have my finger on the button for recording and 911….. can’t let bastards like the one that beat up the woman run my neighborhood…

9 times out of 10, men are nothing but cowards…. Kavanaugh showed his cowardice by attacking Professor Ford…. Senator Graham showed his cowardice by attacking a Rape Survivor…. Trump showed his cowardice by locking everything up and transparanency was the last thing that christian plans to do….

The people up the street… christians and Hawiians…. their religion sure protected them today…. I doubt that woman will have much body that isn’t bruised and damaged…

I know… My body carries the scars 52 years later…. yea for christians and the anti christ they worship….

I Remember……

Domestic Violence happening at Makuu & 7th street… can still hear the vicitms screams…

On Hawaii the demonstrators have caused most of the cops to be pulled away from regular duties…

We called 911…… 30 mins ago and no one has showed up at the house yet to stop the beating that is happening….

We can hear the muffled cries of the victim, but we can not do anything…

We called the people who can… and because of the demonstration on Mauna Kea…

The police can not protect anyone from the rampid domestic violence that fills Hawaii’s islands…

We will never be able to walk past that house again, they could hear me screaming the cops are coming…

Still no cops…

Yep Mr. Trump, you and your christian base has taken America back to a time of depravity…. idol worshipers to the core with cross, crown of thorns, yada, yada yawn….

We hope the police show up, but we are doubting it and will have to watch our backs from here on out, because they already let a couple animals die by cars in front of the house and beating each other up, is the normal for that household…

Still no cops…

I wonder what kind of nightmares I will have as I sleep with one eye open till we leave or they move….

I Remember…..

Ooops, PTSD & Amnesia….

What I had planned to write, got side tracked…

I knew when I flunked the test to go in the military at 18, something was off… other moments in time, a comment here, and interjection there…. so many clues along the way helped… but the one that got my attention, the excuse the Air Force used to push me out, when they wanted the rape and attempted murder of my kids to go away….. the psych eval said “Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder”… it’s on my DD214… an a few years later, 2 psych evals by the VA… say PTSD…. so we know the Air Force one, was an incompetent evaluation… because the PTSD had been going on since I was a child….

The clues, were how mental health would respond to questions that were so complicated, it told me they had no clue about mental health and my hate and disgust for the field grew… not all are like that… there are some good ones in mental health… but few an far between…..

Questions asked of Freda & Peggy and how similar their lies were… another clue… an when my older brother showed up in Seattle after not seeing each other since the night I died… his subversive behavior told me he was protecting Freda… oh she is good… the master manipulator was so good… now you get why I could see what the Air Force did in plain sight and all I could do… fight for VA and prove I should have been medically discharged… kind of glad I wasn’t… the income would have cost us more than it would be worth… my way was better…. but that DD214 needs changing and it will never be…

PTSD and learning psychology these last 40 years… and Freda denying me information… that is what told me I was truly missing memory… the shrink at El Paso saying I had this edetic memory thing, I think he was close… I think it’s the unique way I make memories… but it’s just my brain, what do I know……

The anger part of this journey, will never be fully closed… to give it up and forgive, is to let them win with their bullshit religious crap and not hold them accountable… We enable each other so much, we don’t hold each other accountable…..

Not so in my world… Reality over what you want it to be, but the reality of what it is….

PTSD… the depression part is gone… been through enough crap the last few months to trigger a major depression and it’s not happening… and it’s because of the amnesia…

My fathers death was anything but good, he died with a bunch of kids bickering over the sex of angels and them wanting to deny him pain meds, because he could get addicted as he’s dying??? Insanity at it’s best… I left and never looked back… and hopefully now that Freda knows I remember…

I won’t be any place near, when her time comes… if life is good… she will pay at lifes hands… not mine….

So yep, the PTSD has helped with the amnesia and doubt… Still need to see neurology, thinking more tests are in order… but I also need to back off the pot, my brain might think a little different, well maybe, okay kind of… nope… it won’t change anything except how fast I type….

I Remember… Margie….

PTSD helped with my Amnesia…. Face Book is a christian platform…. did ya know???

You read articles about amnesia and no two are alike and I have yet to find one that even gets close to my scenario… or story… or life….

I see bits and pieces in movies that come out… and I mean just the trailers… I haven’t watched a drama or anything that they say is remotely based on real life… why??? Because I already lived it and died because of it… and it is humans hiding behind religion…

It has no other name, except the name humans put on IT… and IT is the worse of all evil and the biggest mental health issue in the world…. because leaders and politicans use IT to control YOU…. easy peasy…..

Once I let go the delusion of religion, my world has opened up in so many ways… I took away the psychological crutch holding me back from growing… christianity…. once I dumped that mumbo jumbo… life has gotten a whole lot better and less complicated….

It’s like watching that woman who is pushing abolishing abortion, because she can’t handle the guilt of the 2 abortions she got… so the whole nation needs to be as miserable as she is, because she can’t own her choices…

Just like Freda & Peggy not owning the choices they made to make my life a living hell, through the non stop abuse they dished out and how they manipulate their loved ones… to keep this secret… so they push a god, they know is not real… because other wise… they have to own their actions and choices and they mentally are not able…. just like the abortion lady… so too Brutas with my family….

I have made some poor choices in life, but now that I know I had a major brain injury and multiple strokes… and the location of said injuries… dictated my actions and my struggle against those actions… they were so not me, but that is what brain injury does… it changes and takes from who you really are and it’s a never ending battle to get back to what can never be….

But I own my choices in life… and I have paid dearly for them… in every manner life can offer…. my death… that was the choice my parents made over the baby not of my dads blood… and the damage to my siblings, is ongoing today… because Freda won’t own her life and Peggy won’t own her lies…. thus the christian downfall of a family that never was, because of mans god they hide behind….

Do you realize Face Book is a christian run organization and even though people profess to be atheist they make use of that christian platform and they are helping the christian platform, not hurting it, because face book is shadow banning… meaning what you post isn’t likely seen by that many….

Makes me wonder is the blogging community doing the same… I don’t want to be like you or anything similiar…

I intend to be me, the person who was born atheist and isn’t afraid of man’s gods…. they bleed just like every one else… only a human turns a man into a god and makes it real… in their minds…. but to them it is so real…

So is their mental illness… Just look at Trump, Pence, Kavanaugh, Barr & Pompeo… all christians and raping America, like it’s their own private world….

You can’t fix stupid, stupid has to want to fix its self…

Not in my life time will that happen…fixing stupid I mean….

I Remember… Margie….

Review notes about dental after Endo….

About May 2017… I needed a root canal… Navy, good dentist, was who the VA sent me too… and he wanted a follow up 6 months later… never got a call and I just got to thinking about what was going on with the Hilo & Oahu VA and oh my goodness, did they leave a trail of negligence….

We know the endo doc requested a follow up, why wouldn’t he, he’s civilian, that’s how they make money, so it’s not his office that messed up and about that time I was fighting to get the rectocell procedure done on Oahu by a Board Certified OB/GYN/Urologist and yes they exist for women and this was a woman surgeon… best major surgery I ever had and working hard to keep it from failing because of my dental crisis….

Anyhow… that should have been the first signal flare I recognized… when the Endo follow-up was not done… it had to go through Hilo VA… and they were the ones I got the senator to go after, so spotlight and yet they still worked to deny me care and here we sit…

I took a large black plum and had to slice it up into bite size pieces… I could see that if I was 110 years old, but at 65???? Who ever decided my life needed to be hell, did a good job… only one problem… I already been there and came back and what is waiting for them, is anything but what they expect… and that is from experience…..

I have one lower tooth that is getting all the action, even though I have all my lower teeth, just no molars… and this cuspid… I hope it holds out, but the way it is throbing… a root canal is in the future… all because some dumb ass moron at the Hilo & Oahu VA decided it was their turn to play god….

At least the CBC showed no more infection and I haven’t had any heat in my skull, except when the abnormal wave did it’s thing before surgery…. no sinus issue, except the normal and only mouth pain is from the dentures…. wow… I wish we were home…

This shouldn’t be happening, but it is and this is just one of those times like when I was raped or beaten to death… I don’t get to make all the choices concerning my own life… the VA has a say, but not much and not much longer…

More things are going on than I say… you do know how to keep an asshole in suspense???

Aloha….

I Remember… Margie…. Sgt. USAF DAV

Holy Crap on a Cracker…. I’m Speechless!!!

Making a big pot of beans, various kinds, with some good ole fashion baked bean sauce and a nice big kabalsa, chopped up small enough for me to chew… and I take a taste and I think I oooooops with the peppers… but oh so good… as it sit’s and cools for baking later… the phone rings… so plays the following script….

Dental clinic calling and can I come in this week for a fitting for the new partial… did someone decide that enough of the god bull shit and did their job at the Hilo & Oahu VA???….

The call was 100% professional, informing me, not me asking questions… they informed me, asking if I had heard from the oral surgeons office yet… yada, yada, yawn…

Okay I’m stunned… in our clinic, yea, we would be doing that quick of a turn around on a situaiton like mine, except the patient would have had the roots removed the same day… we would have opened the clinic to take care of the patient… best job I ever had, working with patients… anyhow…

Like I thought, with the VA putting my health at risk, the autonomic neuropathy is very unpredictable… and I am dealing with a host of other issues, I don’t talk about… because I want the doctors to confirm my diagnosis…..

Impants… beginning to think that is very viable an not wishful thinking… you got to do the wishful thinking, when dealing with VA health care… I started using the VA in 1984… and a nightmare is a undertatement… hubby gets better care than me….and he’s my dependent…. and I’m the vet… really do get what the Vietnam vets dealt with, not only as my patients but with the system….. so much bigotry in the VA and most of the employees are vets… got your back doesn’t mean, once they leave uniform… found that out first hand, these last 15 years…. I’m just smarter and never let my care lapse, took longer, but never lapsed….

So, going in this week to try the wax partial and if super lucky, I could have a functioning denture in a couple weeks… my gums will hate me, but my smile will be smiling back at me…

That is the only thing about a upper denture… if you read the blog, you know I have been strangled, and one of the pictures I used in the blog, show the bruise marks on my neck, face, body… that poor baby… anyhow… gag reflex’s are off the chart for me… makes me love my electric toothbrush, my involuntary movenments don’t make me gag myself… so hoping who ever makes this new one… is just as good as the maker at the El Paso VA dental lab… best fitting ever….

Exciting news… and surprising… printing out a couple of pictures that shows the dentist my true smile and bite… really am looking forward to eating properly again, I hope….. pain free, not going to happen… the partials have been painful since day 1… that was 2010….. fit good, well made, but for me, always painful to wear… so why make me suffer and wait for implants… has to be the IG complaints… so much for integrity, honesty, truth, values… it’s like Americas soul got sucked out when it took up relgion…. and humanity was thrown in the dumpster… becasue of fear….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Looking for the Memories and why are the living Silent???

Not much sleep, the autonomic is having a field day and the partials are helping at night, but my is the gum sore… so sore, I brushed my teeth and used the toothpaste as a numbing agent, it’s that sensodine sensitive stuff… and it helps… but that poor mandible tooth that is 1 tooth that is taking a pounding an my mandible hurts all the way into the TMJ…. WHY is the VA making me suffer??? What did I do to those yahoo federal employees??? Guess you just look at Trump and enough said about thin skin federal employees…. at least hubby gets quality health care because of my service… me the vet, haven’t seen it yet and I been a veteran since 1977…………….. yea America….

I start to dream and I get woke up, because I have cotton mouth… not from smoking, but from my mouth not working like it should because the throat and tongue are doing the autonomic neuropathy act at night…. the shoulders hurt, an today, exercise that won’t get heart rate up, but will help with this added stress my body is being forced to endure because of a federal employee at the Hilo VA clinic… I really hope life catches up with that person, like it’s happening to Trump…. Waited 30 years to see that asshole brought down… told ya, when you work certain federal jobs, you get exposed to the reality of what real life is and not the spin doctor preachers or priest idea of reality….or Trumps….

What surprises me, I’m not pissed and letting it be known kind of pissed… nope, the dentist let me vent and I thanked him for it… they know I am beyond frustrated, or we wouldn’t have offered to pay for my care… the VA just happen to coincide with that moment in time… on Saturday….

I already took a pain pill this morning… and my kidney is letting me know, it’s not happy about the dosage… cranberry juice stocked up on and Vit c being taken to protect the bladder…. and a higher dose of magnesium to keep the rectocell surgery from being undone…. none of this is fun, but imagine if I didn’t have the knowledge of what needed to be done… the result would be catastrophic and that’s isn’t a joke or drama… that is reality of knowledge over religion….

I control my destiny right now and am very happy with my knowledge to protect me… it’s the only thing that has protected me from christians and their corruption…. my thoughts just went to the Riverside 12… I so hope they are getting the counseling and support they will need to find them selves….

So many hurt, so many children lives destroyed for a god that doesn’t exist…because you fear life, instead of living it…..

But your god will forgive you and if the victims do… they haven’t become survivors yet…. because forgiveness is a religious head fake, and that you can take to the bank…why??? Because the living have to admit what they did and that will never happen as long as their god forgives them… the vicitims have no value, so why should the perpretrators???….

I Remember… Margie….

Truth??? Why Are Christians Afraid of the TRUTH????

If you are a christian???

why are you so afraid of the truth… Truth that can be proven, walked on, stood on, torn apart….

WHY are CHRISTIANS afraid of the truth???

I remember Margie before christians murdered an raped her….

Shadow Banning???

Is that happening in the blogging world???

Do you even know what the title means???

Freedoms are only as good as the people allowing those freedoms….

Men in uniform died recently, not a word from our leader… Those men died for no reason, because of Trump an base…

Sgt USAF DAV I Remember Margie…

Exiting the Rabbit Hole….

I want to scream from the roof tops and tell everyone… I have had amnesia for 52 years!!! and there are people alive, who can give me answers… but they are afraid they will have to admit their lives have been a lie……….

And that thought slips off for another trip around the block of insanity…. straight jacket, padded walls… naw, think I’ll pass….

Other than having some questions for neurology about the abnormal brain wave… the answers have been coming on their own… enough more stress and I might grow extra organs… it has been known to happen to humans, grow extra organs…. body I would do… brain…. no thanks….

No depression, a little melancholy, but that is about it…

Wrapping my head around the fact I died at 13 and no one told me… or that I had strokes and seizures and no one told me… talk about government cover up…. geez….they never quit…

I blame that on religion, forefathers warned… no one listened… so here we go again with a crooked christian in the white house and loads of them in the senate… must make my cousin George proud… oh, it’s not Martha that is a cousin… It was George Washington… his momma is a Ball, an that’s my mothers line…. funny what you find out when you can see the screen….

It was easier to wrap my head around Washingtons connection to the family, than it was to comprehend the horror Margie endured….

And that is the crux of the issue… I remember much, more than the family wants me too and if my guess is right… more is to come… memories hit every day… but I don’t analyze them like I did…

Nope, I am back to living life… dealing with life and just … living it…. coping and figuring how to accomplish the goals we have set for ourselves….

The chaos… only happens now, when the wave starts and the heat hits my skull… but that seems to be about it… it would seem… Margie is enjoying her stroll and is crossing each memory as it approaches….

I am curious if a year from now, will I have remembered all???… 2 years since I remembered my death…. this next year, will be busy but not stressful… we are leaving here… either next fall or early the spring of 2021… but we are going home… not a matter of if… just when….

I remember… Margie….

Full Circle….

I am back to doing the things I enjoy doing… and that doesn’t involve a lot of people… just hubby outside playing, dogs napping quietly and me, able to see what I am looking at, okay kind of… well, sort of….

The right eye likes to do the prism thing and the left eye, gets tired, since surgery was just a few days ago…

I’m looking forward to being able to read and do things that have been an issue for a long time….

My right eye, it’s clouded and they say it can happen, not sure how they fix that, I think it’s a laser and done in office… the right side of the head received the most trauma and blows to it… that an the frontal area… the occipital I don’t count, that was a kid being stupid and mean, so those I write off for what they were… hate….

I think right now, it’s fatigue, I spend about a hour doing ancestry, another hour playing and that’s about all I can handle right now… looking forward to the end of the month… just so my eyes are settled down enough to get glass’s….

Knowing how the VA system works and the fact that I am in a health crisis, because of the Hilo VA… the implants will get started… but I don’t expect a appt until Dec or Jan for the surgical consult for the implants…. so we are planning what we want to do, for the next year or two… once approved, it’s all up to surgeons schedule and my healing… 9 months to 18 months… ugh… that long with wearing a full upper denture… not enough pot on the planet to dull that pain… this is so not going to be fun….

But, we will make the most of it… if we are here that long, hubby plans to install the rest of the pergo flooring… which will help make the house cooler, with no carpet… winter project planned… oh yea…

No holiday celebrating… we’ll just donate locally like we always do and that will be it… flooring will run us about $2000 with trim, pad, yada, yada, yawn…. thats our holiday…

Room is warming up, trying to keep AC off today… tired of being closed up…

Have a nice day, Hawaii is….

I Remember… Margie….

Our Choices Rule the Day??? Hilo VA Clinic Dental Implants Yes or No??? quit playing Trumps games, I am human not a number… Sgt. USAF DAV 100% service connected…

Sort of melancholy type of day…. sleep, okay, but could be better… Stress, not really… VA is doing their job in a snails fashion and it could mean up to 2 more years on Hawaii and right now, with the attitude of the people, this falls into the category of FIGMO…. when you were stuck some place you would rather not be… and that’s only because of the attitude of a couple drivers on our private roads… us white, them not so much… sigh… I have lived with others bigotry since birth… so ready for that garlic farm and moat….

The choices others made have impacted my whole life, makes ya wonder why suicide wasn’t part of the picture??? That answer is easy… I already died once, why would I want to do it again at my own hand… when christians had already been successful…..

Probably why I’m a half glass full type, you got me and I did just shrug my shoulders… but I don’t see myself that way… I just refuse to give up, and that makes more sense and nod my head in agreement…

Freda couldn’t break me and that is what they envy… the head viper couldn’t break me, like she did the rest of her kids… wow…. Dad Don…. was just a tool for Freda… once we got bigger than her, she let him do the beating… all the while she was the master controller and still is…. but she knows her god… thats me, just a FYI….

I hold the truth behind the fake image…. My ancestry program gave me access to public records, ya know address, phone numbers… hope lil bro did the necessary with credit companies to keep current info private… but not from what I saw…. we should drop in for the holidays or mothers day some year…. maybe…. knock, knock……

This memory ability, it’s not hitting me all at once and when a load of memories flood in, it’s like watching a twilight zone movie… because as they play out, so do the emotions play through… as if the moments in time were happening at that very minute….

ya know that has been going on for decades and I didn’t understand what I was seeing and dismissed it for so long… The memories have always been there like the neurologist said… it’s up to me, how much I am willing to look at and here next month Nov 7th… will be 2 years since I remembered my own death… from 52 years ago….

I haven’t found an amnesia case like mine yet… now that I have eyesight on the big monitor… I will be researching neuro and psychology again… hoping to have some questions for neuro, when ever the VA gives me an appointment… which the way things are going… I’ll probably have the doc refer me under medicare, once all the eye surgery bills come in an are paid… we want to leave here, not build debt… and the eyes have to settle down to be useful, not headach pushed useful…..

Quite morning, beautiful blue sky kind of morning… and it will be hot… next electric bill should push $400, because of the AC and not being able to dry all the clothes outside, because we have had so much rain…. one wet muggy blanket is what it feels like…. so AC it is… last night was cool and comfortable with the house open… so at least at night we can shut it down…

I hope they resolve Hawaii’s issues… seen this before and all you can do is watch, it’s their fight and I watched the documentary on how the islands were taken from them… no different than what Putin is doing in Ukraine…

but the Aloha… when you have people who have lived their whole lives here and are older than us and they tell you Aloha is no more… that is a telling sign for troubles for these islands…. and I’m ready to go home…

So VA tell me what the hell are you doing??? Implants or more forced continued pain??? Answer Hilo VA Clinic, how much more pain do I have to endure for your bigotry????

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% Service Connected

I Remember…. Margie….

Ugh, WHY???

Last night was rough, an I knew it could be… but had to try, so my maxillary gums can recover at night, none went well…

About 1AM, I was taking a cyclobenazprine 10mg, to make my TMJ relax, so my tongue would un=seize…about 2AM the pill took effect an relaxed my facial muscles…

At least my doc listened an gave me the drug to help me cope with the loss of teeth…thank you HILO, VA, Hawaii for denying me care, the blog is hubby evidence if things go south for me…

One thing I noticed wearing the partials at night the last couple, I don’t clench my jaw or hold it tight with the partials…

Always trying to cope with a situation other humans playing god made… if you think its rough for me, put Trump in the white house for another term an you’ll get a true taste of hell on earth, that dude cares about his skin only an that does not include you…

Sgt USAF DAV 100% service connected veteran fighting for what king Trump took away… MY HEALTHCARE!!!!! #NotMyPresident or fake religion….

Bugs are out….

Getting to that time of year, where the light from the monitor attracts bugs… and with tracers in my eyes, I don’t want to swing at the monitor in mistake thinking its a bug… At home, the cold would eliminate that issue….

Trying to leave the partial out, and see if I can keep the jaw or TMJ from jacking up and spasming… if this had to happen, like the dentist said, things are in the works, not timely things, but the molasses does eventually hit the floor….

Eating… oh boy, eating… so far it’s okay, but my mouth is sore and it showed when the dentist examined and said, you are using your left side to chew and yep I am… the partials are torture and pain meds taken… so leave out and see if sleep is possible… always try, before giving up…the most I’ll lose is a little sleep….

It does look more like the VA is boxed them selfs in and implants are a definite now, and done here on Hawaii… I so wanted to be home before the great grandsons started talking… but a year late is better than not at all….

I figure if they start by Jan of 2020… we should be able to pack up in the spring of 2021 and go home… if they start sooner, we could be home this time next year, in time for the holidays….

Always have hope that things will work out… my choices aren’t always the choices others make and those choices invarably can impact mine…

Eyesight… it’s been interesting… I have to admit the drug they wanted me to try so they can recommend to other patients, because it’s half the price… works much better than the expensive stuff and my eye does not bother me like the last procedure did… so they get a thumbs up on this new pain drug for the eye… 3 days of stinging versus a couple weeks… yep I’ll take it and the sting is barely noticeable today….

I can see, but not the Iphone or Ipad… it’s screen is to small for me and I can’t see print… books, papers, yada, yada, yawn…. readers in a couple weeks is what the doc recommended….

As for everything else… the new lens work great and readers is all I will need…. it’s just you get tired and I have been pushing mine….

Night folks… enough bright light…

I Remember… Margie….

I Annoy You??? that took a lot of practice….

Not really…. when I knew as a toddler how to get under Freda’s skin… mommy dearest… I pushed the buttons often… well maybe not often, but often enough, my body shows how she responded… lets put it that way…

some people find my story offensive… gee, you ought to be me if that’s the case… some feel sorry for me… now that one you got me… they didn’t do the crime, so why the empathy??? and some like today, get very uncomfortable, because they have never been exposed to the violence I grew up with and thought was normal??? Not really on that one either….

The dentist gives me uncomfortable looks and when I tried to explain that I was wearing the partials at night, because of the missing teeth… not real sure he understands how my autonomic neuroapthy is life threatening…. doesn’t really matter what he thinks, the VA is paying and I am bitching at him… but you kind of want people to get what you deal with…. and that aha moment happened, while we were BS’ing in the living room…..

The only one that matters as far as opinions on what I am dealing with????

ME….. duh…..

It goes back to changing the way I think and solve problems… I need no recognition on my accomplishments thus far on this crazy journey… validation of intelligence has been done twice by VA professionals… and injuries and medical records all point to one thing…

Domestic violence endured in a christian home for the first 18 years of my life…. do you know???

No one to this day has laid a hand upon me to casue phsyical harm since Don… daddy dearest hit me when I was 17 years old on Okinawa…. Rape, yea thats been done by the Air Force…. but physical hitting… no one has ever touched me…since the parents did…

I was once told that the look on my face when someone did raise their hand against me scared them so bad, they never thought to do it again… I am very expressive… especially now that I am a toothless cougar…. my girlfriends say I am a cute one though… I try not to laugh to hard, when I do my routine…. couple months and something to wear in the interim…..

Autonomic neuropathy is the scary one… it plays with my heart, esphoagus, larynx, stomach, and intestines…. losing teeth is making me learn something new with sleep and cyclobenzaprine has been taken to get the spasms in my neck and throat to quit, so my jaw isn’t frozen… implants will give the tongue it’s proper place, for now, it’s try not to bite it with the teeth I got… I never felt the dentist poke in the area exposed… the nerve damage to my maxillary is progressing… bet the implant process isn’t all that painful, wonder if that will be a good thing???…. but put pressure on the partials and I wence in pain…. so they are fun when it comes to eating…

Day is hot… Traffic was crazy…attitudes of people some friendly, most are hostile… ready to get this over with and find out if they are going to do implants… so we can plan to move home, if we were there, I would have already had the roots removed and the denture being expidited…. but still, at least, this save me a couple grand, with the VA approval… never in the 5 1/2 years as a dental tech, did we ever make a patient wait more than a day to do extractions… if it meant over time, we did over time… patients were our priority… not so with the VA, go figure on that………

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie….

U.S.A. Health care the government joke on taxpayers….

Hubby is my dependent, he needs anything, what medicare does not cover, CHAMPVA does… and I have yet to spend any money on his deductable or healthcare since 2004….. not bad for being my dependent… and I’m the veteran…

Yet for me… my medicare, I do have to pay a deductable and if the VA wants to take years to do surgery, I can use my medicare and pay for it, even though the damage done was by a VA surgeon???????

I just did my eyes on medicare and so far out of pocket, we are hitting $500 and the hospital bills haven’t come in yet… so I expect the cataract surgery the VA should have paid for, will cost me about $2000…. and I am 100% Service connected disabled veteran…. and my health care, ALL of it is covered???!!!! but not according to the way Trump runs our government… you have to beg for what you earned, because you didn’t swear loyalty to him, but to the nation!!!!!

And that nation has shit on veterans for so long, it’s just every day occurence….

VA health care is VA death care… flat and simple…. and I told my dentist enough of this bull shit, if the VA wasn’t going to authorize care, I would pay for it and raise hell against the VA later and make that hell very public, like in half page newspaper ads, I already know the cost to do one!!!!

I don’t get mad, I get even and I am fed up with my neighbor the federal employees corruption and using my health care as a hostage, so they can play god!!!! just like god Trump and Jesus Pence are doing!!!!

Rant over…. yep I am beyond livid and pissed and it will pass as soon as I go sit an smoke a couple bowls of calming pot…..

Impressions taken, it will be a few weeks for the wax model to come in and then a few more weeks after that for the denture to show up… I did stress to the doctor the pain wearing dentures causes and that the implants were not a want but a need….. just depends on the yahoo at the Hilo VA clinic playing god…

Frankly, may I call you frank???? I think this person will pay…. life has a nasty habit of leveling the playing field… but this person who is victimizing veterans on the Hilo side of Hawaii… your day will come…. and I hope I hear about it…. small satisfaction for such a great injustice, but you have to stay above the fray or get drawn down to their depravity….

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

Dentist has VA approval Hilo, Hawaii??? Medicare for all, when the VA can’t take care of VETS???

Happy, not really… this shouldn’t be happening… my doctor requested implants in May 2018…. this is Oct 2019!!!!

Hubby called clinic to get me in on emergency and they were in fact calling us… VA approved the new partial… so that just saved us a few grand… but that request was put in over a month ago!!!

I wouldn’t be in this mess if a federal employee at the Hilo VA clinic wasn’t playing god with veterans health care on the island… and I’m not the only patient this person has targeted and she is still employed at the Hilo VA… shame really, and I have seen this first hand at El Paso VA, Arkansas VA… and Tuscon VA…. 2 of those I filed IG complaints and my health care went in the toilet after that…

So for all the yelling going on in Washington about corruption… it’s going on with your neighbor, mom, dad, brother or sister… it’s not the organizations that are corrupt…

It’s the christian employees, that swore a oath to a nation while swearing their god was first and foremost….

So much for patient care and honest christians….

Anyway,…. dentist is taking impressions today, evaluating the roots and documenting the pain…. hopefully by Thanksgiving I’ll have a new upper denture… because I only got 2 or 3 teeth left on the right upper side… and If I can’t feel those either… they won’t last much longer… Trigeminal nerve is showing it’s ugly involvement from domestic violence…

Nope I wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for corrupt chrisitan federal employees and the christian parents that were anything but christian….

Rant over…. I have oral surgery again in my future, when this could have all been done at one visit instead of 3!!! so invasive is this lousy health care that keeps compromising my health… and they want medicare for all???? They can’t even take care of VETERANS!!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV !00 % service connected….. I remember… Margie….

Word Press KEEP OUT!!!

Leave my page alone, quit screwing with your screw ups!!!

If I have to sign in again… Hmmmmm wonder what kind of bizzare rant I can come up with that gets the attention of everyone!!!

Quit messing with it… leave it alone, it works for me and I’m not interested in playing your game anymore….

Word Press EMPLOYEES KEEP OUT!!!!!!

Always wanted to do that to authority, never had privacy at home and it’s obvious I have zero privacy with this blog site…. yea I know mine is public… but this back door crap by word press EMPLOYEES is getting extremely old!!!

KEEP OUT!!!!!

Living with the knowledge Christians Hate you… which is so unchristian???

The major stroke happened in 1967, I was 13 years old and it was given to me by my father Don Bagwell and mother Freda….

Prior to the age of 13, I experienced a brain injury at 5, via Freda… another one via Freda at 8, the one at 13 cost me my life and 9 months that are gone from the memory banks…. the stroke on Japan… that is what triggered this write…

They showed a military member surprising his daughter at school… what I got from my dad, the promise he made after he killed me… because I never celebrated a birthday at 13, or 14… no both times I was recovering from a stroke caused by mommy dearest and daddy dearest did the beating… by the time 17 got here I had one more TIA, via a blow to my head by daddy dearest…

So dad, kept his promise about a gift I would remember…

It takes fortitude to look at stories like the GI coming back from deployment and see the love…. I never experienced anything but violence in a christian home who lived by the bible in public… but once that door closed….

It became hell on earth and the bible just a good piece of fiction….

You would think I would have a olympic size pool of resentment… nope… I keep telling ya….

52 years of amnesia and counting…. What I do remember, just exposes the christians for what they are… humans hiding behind a religion to get away with murder… our own leader is promoting murdering of the whistleblower, or shooting immigrants in the legs… sounds a lot like Hitler… or Kim of NK…. yet our leader is a chrisitan… and that does show you christianity is a tool people in power use to scare you of your own shadow…

Hate to tell, ya…

no I don’t…. I died… there is no flowers, signing, family, hugs, or love… just total and complete darkness… that is the reality of death… not the bull shit Dr. Oz promotes… that is religious head fake…

So I watch feel good stories about real people and I look and think, is it all just an act, because they are….

Christian????? or is it a human being, being human???

there is a difference by the way… you never have to tell me you are christian… your life tells me…and what trail of tears you left in your wake…and to this day, I have NEVER met a true christian, muslim, buddast, hindu… nada… they don’t exist on this planet, except in the mind of the followers…which doesn’t make it real to anyone but themselfs….

I Remember… Margie….

3 full minutes to sign into Word Press!!!

Really????? Had to go track down the Iphone or Ipad… dig out the password book and sit here and wait, while the communications take a full 3 minutes FOR ME TO SIGN INTO A SITE I NEVER SIGNED OUT OF! Pushing 50 signs ins!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAD A GOOD SUBJECT TO WRITE ABOUT… UNTIL I HAD TO FIGHT TO GET INTO THIS FUCKING WEB SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love & Marriage and the toothless cougar….

I remember the day, when having curves was not something I was thrilled about… It brought unwanted attention… but I had fun with it as any brain injured human would…you have to know the psychology behind behavior of a TBI person… to get that meaning… I still blush at some of the things I did…..

I have a condition… it’s totally unfiltered and it has a very short leash…. the eye surgeon recomended I get on YouTube, he said what I did in the operating room had them in stitches…. bududum…….

I remember as a child before the first brain injury, my personality was different, more subdue, introvert type kid…. after the first head injury… it started changing… and by the time I was strangled and suffered a TIA is my guess, who I was, was fast fading away… Margie was building her cell….

By the time 13 got there, and the baby not of dad’s blood… Margie was in survival mode, but oh, she had a quick quip off her tongue when needed and the little ones, knew, she was there…. even though the spy was always among us….

When Margie died that fateful night in Big Springs, Texas… life was taking a back road for a few decades… and Maggi would be at the reins… and she fought so hard for Margie… always fighting against the peers who lived on gossip and not facts… so much like Trumps followers and base… what a evil world the religious have created….

As time passed and other life altering events, a childs life saved from a gas filled sucidal night…. the river that took many the same day… to fighting health care providers who cost a child so much…. an the events of marriages and divorces, move here to there… the nightmares intensified… the PTSD was in full mode…..

First diagnosis of PTSD 1998 Spokane VA… confirmed by El Paso VA 2010…

The first moment knowing I was missing memory… 2010, I stood in Fredas kitchen and told her I was… she replied…”some things are best not remembered”… my mother withheld life saving information….

By 2018 Dec 26, the MRI that sang from the roof tops… STROKE & TIAs… how many, know one can tell me… When, no one can tell me… Mother is not talking…

But Margie is….

I Remember…. Margie….

On a different note the eyesight is good, the eyes get tired, and I spend time on the PC doing visual exercises, but readers a must… bright light, not a big fan yet… as for the mouth… other than reminding myself of a relative from days of old… we are preparing our meals to accomodate my ability to eat… a little pain, but so does my eye hurt, so pop a strong NSAID and sit back an wait… nothing I can do… see dentist tomorrow or Monday… it is Hawaii….

#$%^&*&^%##

Just about how I feel…. jumped on hubby, he tried playing matyr with our diet…

If I can get up in the middle of the night, grab a handful of choclate chips from the freezer and chew them… I got this covered… not happy about what I am going to have to do… but I got it figured out already…so hubby, is on his way to the store, to pick up a few extra supplies, some of that food, I can deal with….

I have no way to bite and tear food, those upper teeth are gone and the partial only has 2 upper molars and that leaves 2 on the other side and thats it… just picture your kid when they lost those front teeth, I just only have 2 left…. if the partial breaks, I will have only the right side for chewing and my TMJ will only allow that for so long and holy crap, will it ever be a pain in the ass….

Which it has been anyway, my weight is staying down because of the last 15 months of dental issues…. yep this is government health care at it’s best… get ya to join the military and they screw ya from the get go…. okay enough whine….

One thing I have noticed since the bridge broke off last night…. my right side hits high on the partial… that means the tooth is dropping or the partial is to high… regardless, adjustment needed, since this will be my way of keeping my breathing good… which it’s working, got on the elliptical and did my time to get heart up just a little, still restricted on that, and did okay…

So it’s all about adjusting to the issues at hand, accomodating them and making sure I have options…. and telling the dentist, put the bill under my maiden name and lets fix the partial with teeth, so that at least I have something to hold me till the VA gets to it or we leave here… either way, I will have a new denture in the next 6 weeks, because I’m paying… I am over waiting on VA death care…..

Still restricted on activities… whining over with… time to play, while hubby goes to town….

Have a beautiful day, we are… hot, muggy, lots of rain and blue sky… everything so green…. at least I can wander around my property and not be concerned….

Sgt. USAF DAV I remember… Margie…

Toothless Cougar….

Thank you Hilo Veterans health clinic of Hawaii… thanks to you, I now have no functioning maxillary teeth…. and the surgeons office swore you kids were so good about taking care of us veterans…. I guess that just does not include women veterans who don’t put up with vulgar children working for the federal government… It’s bad enough Trump acts like a 2 year old, now the majority of federal employees do the same, because Trump gets away with it… so much for government quality health care…. never experienced it in the military or the VA…. ever…. not so with civilian care….

Queens medical major surgery Feb last year…. I had 2 procedures at Hilo Medical and both places showed me Hawaii’s true Aloha spirit… which is so lacking at the VA and most places on the island we go to… and those places, won’t see me at all, unless I have no choice… now that I am a toothless cougar… imagine… great granma in a bikini… very possible, with no teeth to bite and tear with…. life just got very interesting….

I do have 2 molars left on the left upper side and the partial adds 2 molars to the right side… those are my chewing devices so I can swallow my food… but I have already noticed the loss of teeth impacts my breathing when laying down, so no back sleeping, only side… it impacts my ability to talk and it impacts my ability to swallow liquids… so, it’s like learning how to be a 5 year old again, when you are losing your baby teeth… it’s doable, but with all my neuropathy issues, it is painfully difficult…

It will be wearing the partials 24 hours a day, taking them out to clean and allow the gums to breath… but it’s the only way I could breath after going to bed… boy am I finding out what my patients endured… but with them, we did the exptractions an put the dentures in immediately… they never went without teeth, like the VA is doing to me…. it’s like they plan to destroy the rectocell procedure and make me get a pelvic floor rebuild… issues are already arising, blood reflects my juggling things to make the body function and still get my nutrients before it leaves me…. never have I ever had such poor dental health care in 65 years…. never…. and it’s all because of an employee at the Hilo Hawaii VA clinic…. 1 person playing god again… just like Trump….

Dental clinic closed today, so it’s next week before seen and VA paperwork done to get roots extracted, which will likely not be until the end of the month or next month!!! Which is ludicrious!!!!!

Sgt. USAF DAV I Remember… Margie….

VA Dental Work Just Failed…

Icing on the cake… the last bridge work that handled my top front teeth, just broke off in my hands….

My heart is racing out of it’s chest…..

What am I suppose to eat with now???

I told the dentist last year that bridge had failed and here I sit, with a 4 piece bridge that shows the teeth they were attached too, rotten to the root…

Explains the headaches, sinus issues and pain…. Can I not catch a break???

I have no functioning way to talk… there is no longer any structure to my mouth…. I just want to throw up…. This should not have happened and I should not be in this kind of health issue problem….

Already the rectocell is letting me know about my eating, if that surgery fails, I am looking at a pelvic floor rebuild… how would you like your vagina sewn shut????

All because a federal employee at the Hilo office decided to play god…

Well they are winning… I have no way to eat… and a soft diet is only tolerable for a very short while and it will start coming back up… and there goes the damage to my esphoagus…..

Now Hawaii is hell on earth for me… If we were home, the dentist would have me in his chair in the morning, removing the roots and taking impressions for a denture… but not here… it could be months if ever… and now I am feeling pain were the roots are exposed…

Last thing I need to be doing is throwing up and putting pressure on my newly operated eye….

What did I ever do to you people…. would be the question a sick person would ask…

I just keep trying to figure out, how to get some care and afford it…

Emergency call to the dentist in the morning…..

Sgt. USAF DAV 100% service connected… all those rapes I was forced to endure and I still get nada…. just raped again…..

Choices….

lots of choices😂😂🥳

We did the norm, shopping, since we were out an about….

Naturally Halloween candy is out….

Since I am restricted on activity, the lesser calories, are these candies…

When ya get older, you get fatter, only because those calories have been kicked off a young body, they needs a home too…

Only got 1 childhood halloween memory, around boob beating time….

But I got loads of adult memories, one with a picture… I will write about it an share the pic…. what a fun crazy night….

I remember…Margie

Yea… I can see… sort of…

When they took the patch off, I could read the smallest print on the chart… next page, not so well… but still, what I read was very small….

Being on the Ipad or Iphone, not going to do me much good over the next few weeks… tweets may or may not slow down… depends on how much stupid Trump and base do… gotta have some fun….

Played a couple games on the computer and my big wide monitor, just shows what a normal 25 inch would show… but… the colors so much more vibrant and in your face…

The games I played involving timing and speed, and keeping your eyes on the colors that you are attacking…. I guess like that candy crush game, but more speed and difficulty…

Played both on hard, not insane… but hard setting… and did okay… progressed to the next levels…

Eye is tired, and I get a little of that prism vision in my peripheral area… and those drops, the 2, antibiotic and steroid, sting like a SOB for about 30 seconds… enough so, your nose is running, because of that sting…. lasts about 2 weeks, and it does gradually back off… the other stuff they gave me for free, no stings at all… doc was curious how well it worked, so they gave it to me, it was a sample…

Research and other stuff on the PC should be easy, but it will take time… the eyes are already tired after a half hour of play time….

They are saying the cost for the demonstrators on the moutnatin is fast approaching $10 Mil…. wow, superstions costing so much….

You can’t fix stupid, you have to educate and get past the superstions of religion and live on the planet the way all life does… with it, not against it….

That money could have done so much good…

I Remember… Margie….

Later, think I will play one of those games I have to hunt for items… make the eyes really work for the smaller stuff….

Stroke, TBI & TIA with sedation….

I thought what I remembered about yesterday was correct and the surgeon confirmed it at post op…

I was chatty cathy from the bronx on the operating table…

They did exactly what I asked, made sure I didn’t see the lens removal or implant, which takes a couple minutes…. the rest of the time I was aware and having the time of my life….Per the surgeon…

Per the surgeon I went on and on about doing my colonoscopy without sedation, wide awake and watched the whole procedure… yep, I am that much of a geek on some subjects… that’s because of the TBI’s… and strokes….

So according to the surgeon and the anestheiologist… I have a high functioning awareness that sedation does not impact unless, they over sedate… which explains why I know I woke up during a couple procedures the VA did on me and one was El Paso and they nearly killed me by oxygen deprivation as was the result of blue fingers after my leg surgery…. sigh…. another cover up…. by federal employees…. quadruple sigh….

It’s not the organizations that are corrupt, but the humans doing the jobs… your mom & dad, brother or sister, Next door neighbor or auntie up the street…. the corruption is human… an why I got to experience so damn much of it is beyond me!!!!!

The surgeon agrees with me on the neurological side of sedation and it’s well worth noting, so that I am not traumatized again by any other doctor or surgeon….. and those nightmares, hopefully will now resolve, now that I know, I was awake, when they cut me from hip to hip….. yep, major surgery…. and I knew it… wow… again, this was military… Air Force….

So that I am not ignored in the future, hubby has been in on all post ops and conversations so that if anything happens, he can inform them… so they don’t put me to sleep indefinitely…..

All Freda had to do is own her life, instead, she put mine, my babies and many others at risk, to keep a secret about her sex life, that had no value to begin with… Neither does the life that resulted from the sex…. but my death was worth it all….

Eye is itchy, eyesight is off and on, right now, screen is good, but the pain in my eye tells me it’s working it…. checked on readers and like the doc said, wait till next week, give the eyes some time to work…..

Time for some down time, since I am restricted for a couple days, hot and muggy outside and the stores were insane… cruise ship was in port and naturally they all went to walmart…. ugh….

I Remember…. Margie….

Few more hours….

Eye surgery, not much scares me, as I have found out this past couple of years… but… Eye surgery… totally freaked me…

Why???

Think about it… I lost 9 months of my life, when Margie died… total darkness is what fills those 9 months…

Now to you that 9 months sounds like a blink of an eye… to someone like me in denial over edectic memory ability… it’s a lifetime… and the more I accept the ability, the more I wait for that moment in time, when those 9 months come back….

My eye is itching…. sleep was early, but not consistent… water, drank water, to make up for going without… water and I, started that love affair about 2001….

Up close vision, every tweet I did, hubby had to read first and help me fix… I got none… and with the left eye lens new now, it’s gone from that one totally… oh my, readers or something, but I got to have something or hubby will strangle me with having to read everything on the smaller devices…. lol

Abnormal brain wave started a few days ago… it’s over now… it’s like a split personality… I knew I should have taken those drops to the hospital, but rationalized not taking them…. been trying to figure out for decades why I would go against my own common sense…. I know when the wave happens and recognize it… this is fascinating… I was also very aware of every step of the way through yesterdays procedure… including recovery….

Freaky, again something I have to adopt into my waking mind that the ability is not a fluke or ghost, but in reality a protection I put in place as a child… and it’s starting to wake up in a big way…. so this ride, got my heart racing….

So, other than post ops, nothing happening, except maintenance and wait on getting a new partial… implants… with the crisis in Washington… this veteran is a fly on the wall and it will stay that way… makes me wonder how many more vets lives will we loose daily….

Going to bed with no negative thoughts, waking up, not allowing the pain and up and down all night rule my day…. Accomplishing a goal, like my eyes…

It’s all one day at a time… We have lived in worse states… it just means, wait and hope things work out… those on the mountain are impacting those choices…. those at the Hilo VA office are impacting those choices… I have to decide, bite the bullet and live in a 5th wheel for a while, till the house sells or wait it out on Hawaii… I’ll tell ya, house, yard, established…. Hawaii has its positivies…. Great grandkids, starting to walk & talk… damn… ya know…

I got to go with the kids…. so the choice is and always has been ours….

Just a matter of when and making sure the box’s are marked storage or 5th wheel….

Wet, hot and muggy…. so glad we put in AC….

I Remember… Margie… and will be glad to get this patch off today….