A Child’s Voice Silenced No More…

Time has passed and so has life… we have lost many in these past years… It makes you appreciate every morning you wake up, be it good or bad… You are breathing, when so many are not…

By 2010 I had the house in Arkansas sold and we had to make one trip back to get our stuff out of storage…

I stood in the kitchen of my mother’s house where dad had died and looked straight at her and said… “I am missing memory”… her reply…”there are some things best not remembered”…

How I wanted to walk across that room and grab her and shake her the way she shook that baby so long ago… How I wanted to scream you coward, you abused me, tried to kill me… because I knew your secrets…

Any love I ever felt for the woman died that day… Any remorse or guilt I had for trying to get answers flew away on the wind…

It took all the strength I had in me to leave that house and not hurt her the way she hurt Margie, a defenseless child… Yes this woman who knows her god…

As we pulled away in our heavy laden truck, my sister-in-law standing by the woman we called mom… Mother turned her back on me as we pulled away.. she told me in that moment, what I had always known… My life mattered not to her and never did… just as long as no one knew of her secrets she thought she had won…

We spent the next few years between New Mexico, our new home and Washington state… Working on the properties we invested in when the real estate market tanked… struggling to stay afloat on our fixed income and going home to Washington to see my husbands parents… and our grand kids…

Now every one is grown, the folks have left this earth and my struggle to understand what had transpired for 10 years was coming to a close…

We sold our properties in 2016… My husband in heart failure wanted to die on Hawaii, so I made it happen…

All the while I am traversing the nightly nightmares, trying to understand the dreams of violence… seeing moments frozen in time in a black and white picture…

By now I know I have PTSD, and the VA says I have an above average IQ… So I put this knowledge to work for me… I start reading and learning and talking… I start pushing for answers…

By October 2017 I was close to a breakdown… It felt so much like my mind was dissolving into total and complete chaos… So much so I had my husband see neurology for testing… Because if it wasn’t me, then it was him… his test were negative… It was me… I was at my breaking point… then it happened…

A young man named Devin, recently kicked out of the Air Force… Enraged for what he thought were injustices against him, he sought revenge… He entered a little town in Texas… walked into a church and killed 26 people, including children… He murdered these innocents on November 5, 2017…. 

Two days later Margie left her jail cell and started talking… Margie was alive once again…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

Margies ghost enters ….

Life is good, the days filled with kids and grand kids… Family in and out the door make for a busy life… I took a job for a realtor out of boredom and then it happened…

My night became filled with turmoil and unrest… Doctors tried sleeping meds, which seem to make it worse… Smoking a little weed seemed to help and lots of Vodka… but it wasn’t restful sleep…. 

It was sleep filled with images of carnage… It was nights of waking up in a cold sweat and a scream upon my lips… I started talking in my sleep, not making any sense to anyone and I dropped down to 113 pounds… Something had to give…

The alcohol became a thing of the past… sleeping meds were thrown in the trash and I started looking for answers inside my brain…

It was a slow process at first… Life played its part in our next decision and it helped me find my way through the nightmares about Margie…

In 2003 we moved to Arkansas, to be near my family… I knew dad was dying, he showed all the signs of Agent Orange contamination… Da Nang was a depot for the substance and that had been his duty assignment, so I knew he didn’t have long for this earth…

Being around the family was traumatic… Though we lived in the same town as my siblings… I stayed away from them as much as possible and for good reason…

Mother was always telling stories of the past, but they never rang true… None of the older kids my half-brother or younger sister by 2 years lived in the state, so any stories the younger ones told, I discarded, especially if they had to do with me in any way… because I knew the story had come from mom or dad and it was their version, just not the truth…

The nightmares intensified and sleep became something I missed like you would miss a limb you had lost…

Within 2 years of moving there, my father-in-law was given a 20% chance to survive lung cancer… so all of a sudden we were spending our time between Arkansas and Washington…

When in Washington, I got rest… I wasn’t around the family… I wasn’t any where near my mother… who always made me very uncomfortable… 

On one of these times to Washington, I knew we would get the call to come back to Arkansas, dad was dying… This time period is critical to my remembering Margie and the nightmares that became more vivid…

His death watch was something out of the Twilight Zone… the half-sister, not of my dad’s blood made sure I was never able to sit with my dad or be near him… If I entered the house to go check on him, I was met in the hall by my mother, never given any private time with my dad… my first love…

Because of this, we left and went home to our house, where we stayed until dad died… Never allowed to be with my dad during this time opened up Pandora’s box of memories… 

Margie was beating on the cell door to be let out… She was screaming at the top of her voice to be heard… August 11, 2006 I knew I was missing memory… I knew something terrible had happened when I was a child… I knew that an ugly dark secret was coming up from the dark recess of my mind… I could hear Margie in the background begging to be set free…

I did not attend my father’s funeral… I had given him unconditional love and respect towards the last years of his life… always giving him a hug and kiss as I left his house…

My aunts and uncles showed up at my house after his death… appalled at what they had witnessed when their brother was dying… We all knew what had happened, yet were powerless to stop a man’s death with no dignity…

Yes the man nearly killed me and took away my childhood with a severe traumatic brain injury… all because he loved the woman he called wife… The damage to my skull is still there… the headaches that accompany the damage, still active today…

Yet he was my daddy and I was denied the right to be with him at the end…

We left Arkansas and headed for a much-needed vacation in Mexico… We sold off our stuff, rented our house out and loaded up our 5th wheel…

It would take us 4 years to sell that house, so that I would never have to go back to Arkansas… the place my mother told me to butt out after his death… because she didn’t want Margie to come back to life again… Margie would destroy the false christian image she had established…

Margie walked back into my nights… the dreams filled with anger, pain and abuse… She is beating on the cell door to be let out and to be heard…

Domestic violence is an old song on our planet… to abuse in the name of a god that is man-made is something I will never understand…

I take the key to that cell and open it… waiting for Margie to exit and tell me the rest of her story, so that she may be set free of the confines of a false religion called christianity…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

Life with Maggi…

This brings us to 1996 and life took a strange turn… I was still working for USDA, though not real happy with the jerk boss and the changes that were coming to the organization…

I had undergone major surgery to fix an issue the military had caused… Upon returning back to work, I found some major changes coming and walked away from my civil service career… and boy am I glad I did…

We took a road trip to Arkansas to see my family, we took my oldest and my step-daughter along… and what an eye-opening trip it turned out to be… you could say it was the catalyst for my journey to find Margie…

You see, when I got out of the military in 1983, we left for Japan… but we stopped in to see my parents and siblings before we moved… that was the last time I saw any of them until this trip in 1996… The trip that changed my life forever…

By this time I had discontinued all the medication the military had put me on and the VA had continued… the meds that pretty much kept my brain in a fog… a fog so deep, that I never pursued the rapes that happened on a federal installation against a child… the FBI was never involved and it cost me my career and a childs mental well-being… Air Force cover up, because image was more important than life… sound a lot like what happened in Big Springs, Texas, when they shipped us off to Japan when dad nearly killed me because of mother…

So the trip to see the family triggered something deep in my sub-conscience… I didn’t know it then, but it was the beginning of Margie waking up… It was the beginning of Margie getting her voice…

I had always been observant… which always pissed off my boss’s in civil service and I have always been competent… though there were days you would think I was bat shit crazy…

I took those tools and used them while we were in Arkansas, I observed and I listened and most of all I watched… Body language will give you a wealth of information if you know what to look for and I have a unique talent when it comes to observation…

Though we only spent a week there, what I took back home to Washington was the beginning of the end of this story… 1996 was the start of the journey to find Margie… 1996 was the re-birth of a child that had been brutalized, betrayed and destroyed at the hands of her parents and the assistance of her siblings… 1996 was when Margie’s voice could be heard again…

Though still imprisoned in the cell not of her making… Margie was starting to wake up… it would take a young man named Devin, who was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force and took up a weapon to kill 26 people on November 5, 2017 to put the key in the lock to Margie’s cell… 

1996 was the beginning of the end of the secrets…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

 

Maggi finds Happiness…

By now, there is no thought of the birth family, I do my duty and keep in touch… I call home, send cards and little gifts… but I had always done that… I never understood why I did it until recently… But I made sure to stay in contact with the family and the sister that I thought I had a relationship with…

I like my job at USDA and my customers liked me… the supervisor was a real asshole and his loan officers would come for the required 2 years and transfer out as fast as they could… It was humorous… and the women I worked with, well one was a drug addict and the other an alcoholic whose husband decided I needed to be assaulted… I will never understand men and this right they never had…

Well I had been at my job at USDA for a couple of years… got rid of the husband I brought with me and just had some fun… My oldest had started life away from home and the youngest was soon to be of legal age…

So fun I had… It is amazing when you take off the social constraints put on you by other people’s warped ideology…

I had numerous lovers and tried a relationship, which didn’t work and for good reason, he was a con…

So I gave up… and one day, in walked this guy that only stood a couple of inches taller than me… dark wavy hair and attitude of if you don’t like who I am, kiss my ass…

It was love at first sight… a girlfriend said, you don’t want to get involved with him and I asked why and she proceeded to tell me about his mom… I just laughed and said… I don’t plan to marry his mom… I intend to marry him…

In 1994 we married, I gained a beautiful teenage daughter and someone rescue me, cause I had no clue how to handle that…

My oldest showed up in town, my youngest got involved and had a baby on the way and that is how my life became centered around my children, their significant others and lots of grandkids…

There is more to tell about that part of the journey in Okanogan county… the homes we gave up, the financial ruin when those homes were destroyed… but in the end… we did what we could for our kids and grandkids…

Entitled they behaved… financially ruined we were… but I would do it all over again…

I love my children and their children…

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Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

In loving memory of Dad, Gary & Jan…

Maggi’s Quest…

I left Sacramento and moved to Livermore and tried my hand at a couple of jobs over the years… the 1st one was a Nanny and I quickly found out, I wasn’t made to take care of anyone’s kids… I was still one…

I tried working at a diner, on the graveyard shift… now that was an interesting experience… I eventually ended up working for Macy’s and found out quickly, cleaning up after assholes was not my idea of fun…

Along that time period I got pregnant at 19… By the time I was 20, I was soon to become a mother… Not well equipped with the examples I had growing up, I did the best I could with the tools I had… but I knew early on, motherhood would be a struggle for me…

I got married a year after the birth of my first child and it didn’t last… He was a swinger, though he professed to be a practicing catholic… and decided that the night before he left for basic training, he would have a fling at the party I threw for him… needless to say, the marriage would end in divorce, but not like you would think…

I met a young good-looking man in 1976, though I was separated from my husband, so still legally married… this young man was going to Italy to a remote assignment in a little town Cole Isarco on the Brenner pass… some how I either convinced him to take me an my son or he convinced me… but to Italy I went…

While living there, we had a major earth quake while being at the AFB and ended up camping out on the flight line with hundreds of other families… and not having any birth control on me, I got pregnant… Not what I had planned with my life, have more kids… but another child I was given….

A month after his birth, my divorce from the 1st husband is final and my child’s father an I marry… It was the only way I could enter the Air Force…  Some how my sister agreed to take the kids while I went to basic training, so less than 3 months after the birth of my last child I was in the Air Force, talk about losing the baby weight at basic…

It was a roller coaster ride from hell, that is the way I see it… Not knowing I had traumatic brain injuries, becoming a mother and joining the military… You could say, Pandora’s box had nothing on the hell my life was fast becoming…

The marriage didn’t last, but I remarried again, which it too didn’t last and I married again… Now that 4th marriage I tried to make work… 

During that time I am serving active duty and all the while I am having one medical issue after another… after a time the doctors said it was all psychosomatic… but we know it wasn’t… but they had a reason…

A child had been raped and to keep the base from being embarrassed and to let a Chief Master Sargeant retire, his career was more important than mine… Even though I had just re-enlisted for another 4 years…

So I lost my military career and left with a reputation that I didn’t even get a chance to earn… Now you get why I take such issue with fake news and gossip… It destroys lives and mine was one of those…

Though I had done nothing wrong, I was pushed out… They had to give me an honorable discharge… and I did what any intelligent woman would do, I fought back…

We go to Japan, as I am still married to a military member… I get poked and prodded, shipped off to Trippler on Hawaii and get told I have Paget’s disease… We are sent back to the U.S. and the specialist says, “You do not have Pagets’s, but I don’t know what is wrong with you”… that was 1987…

So I end up getting another divorce…. Marry again and move to Okanogan county Washington for a job with USDA and I divorce that asshole… 

I did all this before the age of 38… All the while trying to be a mother, trying to give the kids what they want… and putting myself last…

By 1993 I had my stomach full of men… I had zero control over my children, one already left home and the other headed for a long time in jail… I was ready to put the gun to my head and pull the trigger in a manner of speaking… but crazy as I am… I value life…

No matter how hard it had been, no matter how hard it would get, no matter what the end results may be… I value life…

I fought to hard to survive the first 18 years on this planet… I wasn’t about to let a little frustration and 5 divorces be the final chapter…..

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Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

Maggi is born…

Since Margie died that night in Texas… finding who I am, came about in ways that I  do and don’t remember…

A friend I knew, or I should say she remembers me, I have no memory of her… this person stated that I stood up to my mother on occasion on Japan… Now those are memories I would love to have… Anything I could do to piss off the woman who did everything she could to destroy my life… those are memories I would smile about…

After the move to Okinawa, my brain had a chance to heal and I was making memories once again… So the few times my parents pissed me off, I took matters into my own hands and stood up to them… I guess you could say I grew a pair… and I have been told over the years that I have more balls than most men and I would have to agree…

On Okinawa, I dated who I wanted and did do what ever I wanted after I graduated from High School… I started to take charge of my life and my choices…

One thing I do remember about Okinawa, I had many friends, but they were not high school kids… No, they were GI’s… men in uniform… 

Now most of these guys were just interested in a friendship and basically took me on as a kid sister and treated me just that way… Though some of them, if sex was on the table, then that would be the kind of relationship we had… Though I had very little interest in sex and for good reason… raped young, I hadn’t learned how to navigate that type of relationship…

One time, we and I mean myself and several GI’s were sitting at the snack bar just talking and someone put the song Maggi May on the juke box… I could see it the minute the song started, all the guys chimed in almost in unison… that it’s… we are calling you “Maggi” from now on… and that my friends, is when Maggi was born…

To this day, I introduce myself as Maggi… I left Margie and Margaret behind 45 years ago… Only my birth family calls me by those names and lots of times, I ignore them when they do… Those girls died a very long time ago…

So now you know how Maggi came to be…Kubasaki72MargaretOkinawa

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

Margie has died….

Margies memories pick up after the move to Big Springs, Texas… a town built on the oil and gas industry with a smell that permeates the air… with a little Air Force training base called Webb, which closed down in 1977 the year I entered the Air Force…

Her memories pick up at junior high, though the grade is not known… a singing contest where she sang a Lullaby, her rating, a sweet voice with a need for confidence…

The next memory is going to the little theatre up the street to see Gone With the Wind, she sat through the movie through 2 showings… that desperate to stay out of the house is my assumption…

By now we are into May and I know this only because I entered a radio contest for mother’s day for a dozen roses…

RadioContestRosesForMomByMargie

Which I won… In hindsight, she never deserved it… the next memory that comes to mind, mom & dad are having their usual tit for tat and I get asked a question in anger… “Margaret, why did dad & I have to get married?”… my reply, “because you got pregnant with me”, her response, “you want to get slapped”… I remember all of us kids were at the dinning room table eating and I vaguely remember my half-brother being there… we were at the ages of 15 half brother, me 12, sis 10, brother 6, brother 3 a baby on the way…

The night Margie died, is a hard one to write about, but lets see if it triggers anymore memories…

The baby had been born, that was not dads… so I would be 13 now… dad as always was working a 2nd job at the bowling alley I think… the night was hot, as it was summer, the smell of the refinery strong in the windless air…

All us kids were in bed and I awoke to mom bitching at dad, when he came in from his 2nd job late at night…

The arguing escalated and I have a picture that was always frozen in time in my mind, but plays like a video now… my older brother and I came out of our bedrooms because the yelling turned into fists hitting flesh…

I remember screams and words that were spoken and that could not be erased… the fight was over the baby in the background crying… I remember mom saying don’t let him get to the baby, the him was dad…

I remember my brother trying to get in between the 2 adults and getting hurt, so I made my way into the fray…

I saw mom hit the floor and I saw my brother being beaten, I fought with all the strength that a 70 pound child has and succumb to oblivion as the blows were turned upon me…

I have no more memories of Texas… not the birth of the new baby, not holidays, not turning 13… In fact that night Margie died…

Within a year we were sent to Japan and there are a couple of memories before the move… Mom’s mother had died, so we were left in the care of someone… I was covered in bruises from my feet to my head, no one at school did anything…

I remember our stopping at Alines and Lee’s on our way to Japan and I went to a base to visit the wounded with a cousin…

I remembered dad left for Japan and we stayed in a dive, barely able to have food on the table… I babysit for someone and took the money to buy groceries… I brought home a cut up chicken and other supplies… my mother’s response, “you should have bought a whole chicken it’s cheaper”… I was 13, I had no clue about such things, I was just tired of being hungry…

By the fall of 1968 we were in Japan… within a very short time I pissed off mom and dad beat me again… my brain, not healed from the trauma in 67 was injured again… I have very few memories of the 2 years we lived off base…. I have only a couple of memories of high school… I do not remember moving on base… I remember the first guy I dated, but not much… I remembered one girl, who slept over for my 16th birthday, she was african american…

I do not remember the move to Okinawa and I have a hand full of memories for there…

At 17, I made a comment to dad as I was leaving the house, I think mom and dad were arguing… I was knocked several feet across the room on my knees that became severely rug burned… I heard mom say, “You shouldn’t have done that”… as I picked myself up and left for the bowling alley for my league…

A few months later we were on our way back to the U.S.  Dad’s mom was supposedly ill so it was a humanitarian reassignment… she lived for another 20 years…

I left home as soon as I was able upon our return… Now 18, I was no longer a pawn in the game of hit and destroy in the house that was never a home…

I can’t tell you about any Christmas during those 18 years… I can tell you about my 16th birthday, but just barely… 

I can’t tell you about my siblings, I have very few memories if any….

I left that household not knowing I had suffered multiple brain injuries… I left not knowing how I even graduated from school and how I earned that diploma… I had always been told by mom that I was a poor student… which is ironic… The El Paso Psych exam in 2011 says I have above average IQ…

The death of Margie isn’t a tragic story… It is one that is repeated daily in households all over this planet…

All in the name of man-made religions like Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and many more…

Just so people can play god with the lives of children…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….