It’s Not Your Life You Remember….

How do I tell this and it get the message across… I so wish I could copy and paste the psychiatric paper I read… It fits this subject to a “T”….. So I will try to do my best…. It’s been a morning for revelations after last night, so I am being flooded with many memories all at once…. so lets see If I can do this…. The story goes like this…..

A birthday party was going down and there were 2 little girls,  sisters… the older sister was having a birthday party and she got many gifts and one in particular stuck out to the younger sister and this is where the memory is taken from the older sister and owned by the younger as her own… Even though it did not happen the way she remembers….

The gift the older girl got was a locket and it was from her mother… The younger sister became fixated on the locket and in her mind it was hers and not her sisters….. She carried that fixation of that memory into her adult life… She became a psychiatrist… It was her aha moment… she displaced the real memory with one of her own making…

It did not make the girl’s memory any less real, but it was based on the fantasy she created in her head about the locket…

The same can go for life… My sibling has displaced me in their memories and made my life about themselves… and that sibling cannot figure out why the other siblings don’t give a rats ass about their life… Simple… They know the real person… and that person was anything but nice and the instigator for many of my beatings…

I was the nice one, I was the one that went out of their way to comfort or soothe or run interference when the belt came out… I was the one they called at Mather AFB when dad started in on mom and this was before the last sibling was born… 

I was the one… Not you…. 

Get help, you need it… I can not fix your world… You have to face what you did in collusion with mom… You have to accept responsibility for your actions… You envied my life so much, you displaced me and continue to do so and have no desire to stop… You want what you can never have… be a good person without the label christian… 

Now you understand why I left your god… it does not, nor has it ever existed except in your brain… because you can not face what you did, no more than mother facing it…

No more “Secrets”, no more “Circle of Silence”… You need to open your eyes and heart, until you do… just as you displaced me… there is no room for you being me… I don’t need the label to be a good person… I always have been… the one thing christians don’t get… I was already good without your god… I was already good and still am… You can not say the same… None of you can…truth will set you free…. Truth…..

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

All quiet, for now…

As we clean up from hurricane Lane, every movement reminds me of how lousy I feel again… Something I have walked with since I was a little girl… the nausea is worse than being pregnant… the sudden disconnect to being seated and all of a sudden over whelming dizzy feeling… and the weight loss is happening fast, but not like it did before, its more controlled, since I am aware of what is happening… Awareness so important when dealing with TBI and PTSD along with illness…

Your frustration will mount, you may want to lash out, I know I did and didn’t care of the consequences… that came and bite me in the ass… more than once… but I learned…

That is what it is all about… growing and learning… never stopping and accepting just because some one said it was so… no that is the true form of insanity, when you quit questioning and believe based on blind faith…. Millions have died because of that blind faith….

I smoked a bowl and my stomach still wants me over the throne… It’s a constant struggle when a flare up is on going… but its more tolerable now that I have my answers… it’s not haunting or scary or fear of the unknown… I have my answers about my injuries and illness…. Domestic violence… in the name of christians god… or the people are just flat out bat shit crazy… You can judge… I give up…

Another tropical storm is off our east coast and turning into a hurricane…

We are still drying out our storage sheds, but we think if we duct tape the doors and windows on them, we shouldn’t have any more water encroachment… We hope… You know what I always say… Hope springs eternal… the one word on this planet that can not lie to you or be twisted… Hope….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Head pain, tell someone…

Head pain, so what do I mean about that… I am not talking the brain… No what I am talking about is the pain I have every time I touch my scalp… Always in the same place and it has hurt as long as I can remember… and yes some of those years are in my childhood…

I know why a couple of the areas hurt… I remember the assaults or attacks or beatings, you chose the title for this narrative… that covers 3 of the areas… the last area… that is the one I think that happened in Big Springs, Texas… when Margie died…

Now you are scratching your head and going, how can injuries that are received at 6 years of age and are at least 58 years old and the other’s are dispersed between the ages of 8 to 17 years of age…???

How can I have pain in my soft tissue all these years later and no one figure it out… okay now seriously, have you been reading the blog…?

It’s called neuropathy… remember I have 2, one impacts my internal organs and the other one impacts my external body parts… okay I lost some of ya didn’t I?… Central nervous system has red flags through out all my medical records, but no one figured it out… record keeping on veterans is anything but good…

What this means, with neuropathy and since my symptoms were never addressed or in fact none of my injuries were looked after, it is not surprising that my central nervous system is in over drive when it comes to sensitivity….these are typical symptoms, if you know what to look for or if you are doing your job as a doctor… No one ever touched my head, not even to this day… No one in the medical profession has touched it… Including my current doctor… sigh….

I asked hubby if any of his scalp ever hurt when he touched it and his reply is the reply I expect from anyone who has NEVER had a TBI…. He never rubbed his head, except to wash it… and it’s never hurt… just a FYI, he broke his neck at 18, so if anyone understands nerve damage, he does…

I can not remember a time when my scalp didn’t hurt… when putting pressure on 4 areas of my skull caused me pain, I quit touching the areas… until Nov 7, 2017… when I woke up… I never told anyone about the pain on my head… I was already mis-diagnosed by the time of my military discharge… and these were the people taking care of our war wounded…. I am just one of millions they failed… just 1…….

So for those with TBI and scalp or head pain, your call… I hear ya… My mother bitched I was tender headed as she hit me in the head with the hair brush and then my long hair would be gone… 58 years later I can still feel the blow to my head and that is where the nerve damage is… 

TBI’s can be caused by shaking a child, by blows to the head, by being hit with an object or being in an auto accident or falling out of the top bunk of a bunk bed set… TBI’s in children happen and you need to know, so you can protect your child’s brain… they are our future…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Virus and Malware Protection…

Because of my unique communications issues in our little area of Hawaii… I can not host my blog… to complicated to explain… this is for your information….

So I have to let this web site host it for me… 

That being said… I know for a fact that outside entities are using information from this blog for purposes to mis-lead or deceive the public…

Since I have no control, it is what it is with this site… I asked them to do something and they were not able too because of their business set up… So that leaves you the reader vulnerable if you are not aware… thus this statement…

If you see any of my blog posts connected to any type of political ads please let me know, so that I may address the theft… 

Please keep your virus software and your malware up to date and do not open any email that is connected to this blog… It will not be me sending it… I will NOT contact anyone that reads this blog or comments outside this blog… I would not even open emails from the host of this blog site… 

If you don’t know them, don’t open them… and even then, do your homework… lots of bogus stuff being used to get into your world… I have done what I can, the rest is up to you…

When we return to the mainland, I will be hosting my own site, so that I can protect my readers and myself better….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

 

Neuropathy flare up, year 3….

I had hope that this flare up would back off and give me some time to get active and take care of things… This flare up, as best we can tell by going back in time, started shortly before our move here in June 2016…. It has not backed off… In fact it has gotten to be a royal pain in the backside…. figure of speech…

The hurricane that is leaving our area of Hawaii drenched us, also soaked some of our stuff in our storage sheds and hubby has been in the sweltering humidity, trying to dry it out… this is the stuff we will use to stage the house and our personal stuff to go home… nothing valuable… but needed here, when it is so expensive to buy anything, it is ridiculous, but it is island living and Tokyo was much more expensive as well as NYC… but it adds up, when you have to replace lots of stuff and I really don’t want to waste more money… need it for the move home…

As for the flare up… the AC is on in the living room… the rest of the house is closed off, so we don’t waste power… I am in one of those rooms and the humidity and heat are hitting me hard, even with a fan on…

This is something I have lived with since I was a child… all because 2 adults decided that I should be the whipping post when they got pissed or I pissed off the other 2 siblings at that time… and these are people who call themselves children of god… WOW… I call them bigots and cowards, plus a few other choice words…

I asked my whole life about so many symptoms and none of the Air Force doctors figured it out, none of the Veterans doctors figured it out and none of the civilian doctors figured it out… we are talking 63 years of continuous health care…

I had to push the doctor here to fight the VA for the tests so I could confirm my own diagnosis… FACT…. ask hubby, told him what I had before the doctors confirmed it years later… You really can not fix stupid….

A degree or medical license does not make you smart… Listening to your patient, to people telling the truth… that shows how smart you are… goes for the Pope… he can’t be that naive… he’s complicit… not a religion it has become a cult… if it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many victims in the name of your god… not mine… yours….

So I am hoping that hurricane season is backing off, we can get onto the cooler time of year here on Hawaii and just maybe, I can be of some help to my husband, before all this kills him… As for the weight loss, lets put it this way, for an old woman, I still get looked at… I got my grandmas skin, we look young until our 70’s… no one believes I am going to be a great grandmother for the 2nd time… must be all that sinning I am doing… No apology… I can be sarcastic too….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

We have so few Heroe’s…

We have so few heroe’s anymore… Sen. McCain was one of them… Though I did not agree with his views on many subjects… The one view we did agree on… America is a great country and always has been and people like Trump and his GOP swamp need to be locked up and our laws changed to include term limits for house and senate and limit some actions of the president….

We are a land built on the backs of every color of human being on this planet…. Some of those lives were brutalized beyond anything cruel in the name of a white mans god…

Our country was founded on the thought we all equal, did not matter your sex or the color of your skin or your sexual orientation… then religion stepped into the picture and bigotry blossomed across the land in the form of a plague of ignorance and prejudice and most of all FEAR…

Fear of what you do not understand and refuse to grow by learning… that is what religion does to you… restricts your growth in the brain and in your heart…. You really can’t fix stupid…

Rest in Peace Senator McCain… you are one of a kind and so many could take a lesson from your life…. There are many of us fighting in the back ground for the America you died for…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

Will it never end???

We were not kidding, neither was the news… 40 inches and counting… we are now starting to get puddles in our yard and we are on top of lava rock… that is how much water is sitting below us, about 2 feet of water is under us and in between the rock… This is beyond anything I have ever seen with a hurricane/tropical storm… non stop rain, thunder, lightning….

It got so loud last night, it woke us up and I had the AC on… Even monsoon season was not like this…

It is cleaning our air, cooling our earth below us, which will heat back up quickly and its making everything on the property grow… 

I love living here… just wish my body would agree…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….