PTSD Amnesia… bread crumb trail…

This whole story of Margie goes back to one issue only…. NO ONE ever told her what happened, but they sure had fun for decades dropping hints, all the way up till the time of Don’s (dad) death and when he was gone, she told me to butt out and believe you me, I TRIED!!!

When the shooter in Texas happened 11/5/17 and I started talking, all my little bread crumbs I had left myself all these years, started popping into my mind like popcorn and 12 months later, it’s still popping…

When the shrink at the El Paso VA wrote I had PTSD due to my illness I thought at that time in 2011, the dude was bat shit crazy… why would Fibromyalgia cause me mental issues…. then I started the magnesium to help me sleep, lots of life happened, many deaths… and 

I nearly lost Mike to a heart attack, but I caught his heart failure and his doctors took it from there… we move to Hawaii, this was the place he wanted for his resting spot and his heart comes back after so much trauma and now we want to go home and spoil our great grand-daughter and soon to be grand son….

But…. Not yet… the bread crumb trail isn’t finished and I need to be as close as I will ever get to being at peace with this before we go home and live life….

Fixing stuff for our dinner and the memory of the balance beam in high school hits… and I am living it, every second of that moment in time and I realize… that beam wasn’t even a couple of feet off the floor and I still couldn’t do it and the aha moment hits… Alabama, torn down building, I and other kids played on, with pylons, couldn’t have been more dangerous and 12 feet off the ground and I had no balance issues… something happened between Alabama and Japan…. and the memory unfolds…

Texas happened… the times my mother like telling the story of when Don got locked up in a psych ward… what she didn’t bother to tell in the rest of the story…. Her and dad, nearly killed me that night in Big Spring, Texas and that is when Margie died….

So many bread crumbs that have led me to Post Traumatic Stress Amnesia and Disorder… because an active duty member in the USAF, nearly killed his 13-year-old daughter and he tried again on Japan and one last time on Okinawa….

The doctor was close, I do not have fibromyalgia… I have peripheral neuropathy and autonomic neuropathy… my death sentence was handed to me at 6 years of age… because I told a host on a kids TV show my sister was not so special after all and I paid for that one statement, until now…..

So many bread crumbs that revealed the truth about the people I once called family…. and a military branch that was more concerned about image than life…. I know… it was mine they stole… and my childs….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Isolation under the spell of PTSD…

I have heard, from more than one veteran about the desire to isolate and not have contact with many if any people…

I started that road trip around 2000… four years after our road trip to Arkansas to see the family after 13 years apart… I spent 4 of those years on Japan….

I used to be out going, had parties all the time, people in and out my door… the extra bedroom usually occupied… that lasted from 1972 to 2000…. things began to change in my mind and people were just noise by the time 2000 got here…

I fight that desire to isolate again… I finally explained to my husband exactly what I was experiencing after a disturbing post on face book this morning….

At one time, I had lots of friends on FB and I pissed someone off at FB an they closed the page… so I opened a 2nd page, had half as many friends and again, pissed someone off at FB an they closed that page and that was June of 2017…. now hubby’s page they never messed with… just mine… and again.. I kept pointing out Russia and all the other crap, that Mark says he was unaware of??? REALLY???

Here comes Nov 5, 2017 and airman of the military kills 26 people and 2 days later I wake up… and by Thanksgiving, mommy dearest cuts her throat and finally I break free… by Jan 2018 I had a new face book page and I declined the majority of the friend request and I selected 24 people to be friends with, some blood, some grandkids, some acquaintances and some DNA relatives and a couple of cousins who are the least religious…. and I have kept that number under 25 for a reason…

People are more interested in brain candy on the internet than they actually care about people or animals… if it was different… I wouldn’t see so much violence from their posts… they see it as activism… but my brain sees it very differently… thus why I keep my friend list so small… I can block the majority of the stuff they share and see only things that I find not painful… and yet it still happens, because FB has problems with its program and it doesn’t work 75% of time correctly, at least from what I see….

I explain to Mike, I do not want to move, I do not want to give up the isolation and lack of human contact…. and I was dead serious…. and you could see he believed every word, because of his expression… he really wants to move home… and I had to explain the battle I just described above…

It is constant and never-ending desire to isolate… The PTSD does this insidious thing to the brain and makes you believe, alone is better, isolated is better, human contact is bad… that is what PTSD does to you… and it will make you want to hurt others if you have other issues related to the PTSD….

Just writing this blog, makes me get out of my cell and expose myself to human contact… 

Funny, I have had so few positive results from human contact… starting as a child….

PTSD a illness like no other, a pain greater than every heart beat and yet people say they support veterans…. yet they fail to understand the sacrafice that uniform really asks for…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

Desensitized… is the norm in America…

We as people have become desensitized…. There are so many things on the internet, you can’t filter them all out… but on Face Book, you would think you could, but you can’t…

Sun Gazing is one web site I have tried blocking… Joan Weaver is another, which is religious cult crap… Sun Gazing seems to cover a variety of junk… and some of it not to pretty…

When you suffer TBI because of violence against your person, the world becomes viewed with eyes that people seem to think they have a right to blind…. add some PTSD and amnesia, and welcome to my waking hell and people are contributing to it… not helping…

I don’t know why certain things make me want to puke or bring up feelings of fear or dread or even remorse…

Interpreting what I am seeing is taxing to the extreme… you are always struggling to ensure it is reality and not a fantasy you created, so you could cope with the violence you were living…..

I asked the 24 people I am friends with on face book, to not post certain things… or just eliminate my ability to see their posts and I can go look at their page if I want… in other words, I have options… but when they post something that is abusive, violent to humans or animals… I run… I have no choice…

I am still healing and they are throwing hand grenades at my brain, so I have to heal from what they exposed me too and what I lived through… what happened to humanity???

The question you should Ask???  Why you think sharing violence of any kind on face book makes you human??? That is what I keep asking and that is why only 24 people are friends on face book… humanity left the building a very long time ago…. and that number 24 may just get smaller… 

My world, my choices… you made yours when you posted the violence….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….

Pin ball headaches…. & PTSD, TBI

Headaches are nothing new to me… I can remember standing outside my Aunt Tinys car, pounding my legs up and down before we get in it and being told it just growing pains…yet they knew… I had been beaten… and I remember I had a headache at the time…

This was one of her wedding’s or something I went along on… I remember granny being there and I think Betty…. funny how these memories come strolling along like today… it’s rainy, been pouring since last night… that was what it was like that day she got married… rainy…. I was less than 10 years old… haven’t been able to pin that memory down yet… which is normal on this kind of journey….

My headaches have certain behaviors… I have one kind of headache because of the Ankylosing Spondylytis in my neck from all the beatings, they threw me around like a rag doll, in fact, my body just jerked from a memory… sigh…. this headache is associated with the nerve damage in my neck, so that headache comes on, I know I need to do my PT exercises to build the muscle in my neck and the headache goes away….

The right, left, frontal lobes and occipital part of the brain, now that is Tommy playing his pin ball machine and when it starts… I never know what is going to happen…

My speech will be impacted, I won’t be able to articulate properly… my vision will be hit, one eye gets a kaleidoscope view and the other just gets a throbbing pain behind the eye… when the frontal comes on, you can tell if it is a tension or hunger headache or just pain, as for the back of the brain, impacts my body in ways that make me happy I can not get pregnant… 

The last few days the headaches have been there and annoying, but the scary part, I am losing weight fast again… but, I think that is thyroid related and the new dosage is tolerable so far, still need to be on it for a few more weeks to know for sure… and the weight loss should slow down, I am only 3 pounds from my 142 pre surgery weight… still have to get to the 135 mark for the issues I have with internal organs… if I keep losing pass that point… then it’s time to check my white count… agent orange will always be a threat, thanks to the Air Force spraying Naha AFB with the stuff and we lived there and we were exposed… so many were….

Yet, there is something different about the headaches… I don’t need to take aspirin for them and I usually can change what or how I am thinking and the headache sometimes melts away…. No clue if this is related to the repressed memories coming out and the PTSD losing its grip, I can’t answer…

I know that I am no way near the end of this journey, there are still some memories I can not see clearly or fully and those memories are very important to this journey… and there goes the right and left side just now in unison… ugh!!!

Neurology is only going to tell me what isn’t going on… they can rule out all the medical related junk… but when the brain is injured as much as mine was, they will never truly understand what I have experienced since the first remembered injury at 6…. that is 58 years of experience that no doctor can compare to… makes you wonder why they don’t listen???

The doctors are not going to be able to do anything to help me, except eliminate all the illness related to brain issues… and that has been done, what is left…

Brain injury due to repeated domestic violence for 18 years and the government did all they could to bury the truth…. just one little problem….

I Remembered…. something none of them expected… the brain, the best toy nature ever gave humans… and it beat those men in power… you can only hope the same happens to Trump and the corrupt congress we have…

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie…

 

Religion, I will never not hate IT…

I will hever not hate religion…

I was innocent, until christians touched me…

Christians took my innocence and my sister…. IT can have the rest…

I will never NOT hate religion….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember…  Margie….

Ethics Committee???

Breaking news and the ethics committee goes after a republican and democrat for sexual harassment??? Are you for real??? This investigation had to be going on during the Kavanaugh hearing…

Is this why Trump is president and the people sitting in congress and the ones in the supreme court…. accused of sexual harassment???

These people we elected????

A Christian CONGRESS????

That ladies and gentlemen is religion in America… lie, cheat, steal, rape and beat…. and you can become our leaders in Washington….

Now you get why our fore-fathers wanted separation of church and state… the enemy to all of humanity is now on the inside and destroying America, by raping, stealing, cheating, lying and beating their fellow Americans….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell, because christians would have murdered me… they nearly did…

I Remember… Margie….

No more dark thoughts….

It all keeps coming back to one thing…. No one told me about what happened to me…

When you live with depression but have no clue why you are depressed what the hell do you do???

I asked the shrinks, why am I depressed… they kept saying we don’t know, but we are going to give you drugs??? Typical military and VA behavior, dope us up and that way we don’t have to be treated… just medicated…. and people wonder why veterans die every day….

The depression set in after the boob incident and my relationship with my sister was never the same and that was because of mommy dearest, manipulating the weak-minded…

I know of sisters that are close, tell each other everything, share everything, keep in touch, affectionate, warm fuzzy feeling type of relationship….

I never have had that kind of relationship with anyone… not even my husband…

It really boggles my mind that my sister ever thought we were close??? I treated her just like I treated everyone else… the same… and that means, my love, my affection went no further than my person, when I lived in that house of horror, those feelings were turned off out of self preservation…

It took me a long time to find that person these people set out to destroy…. she is still very shy, she still does not like being around lots of people… she still prefers her cell to living out loud… she is trying… freedom comes at a cost…. her soul is free, but her mind isn’t….

I so get bi-polar, severe depression, suicide, paranoia, fear and the innate desire to disappear…. 

I tried and mother kept drawing me back into the web and hopefully after Nov 7, 2017 and the subsequent thanksgiving email debacle… I am free of the web…. my siblings aren’t, but they know so much more than I ever did???

Every day I accept that my family is flat-out bat shit crazy, that makes it easier to accept… I don’t have a family …

I am over being abused… abused by my mother, siblings, children and grandchildren and even a few friends and cousins….  they made their choice… I chose not to live with that choice…

It is after all, my world… they want in it… they are going to have to become adults and own their abusive behavior… until they do… I hope they have the kind of life they dish out… and from this side of the fence… I would say life is giving them exactly what they wanted…  

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie….