The games people play….

Recently a sibling or someone reached out to me… not the first time, but the pattern of behavior was the same…

They made this blog about themselves…

Instead of saying… I am here for you, I will support you and I believe you….

Nope, they made it about themselves…

That is all the proof I need to know that they are just as damaged by what our parents did and are still under the power of the surviving parent…

You want freedom??? You want to be a part of my life??? Seek help from the professionals and not your man-made religion… that is what got you to the miserable state you are in now…

Nothing in life is insurmountable IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Brain Injury but no physical damage….

I haven’t talked about this, I don’t think… sometimes my short-term memory damage hiccups and I will write about something again… so if I do… sorry… it’s one of those ooops that happens in memory damage….

When I say you can receive a brain injury without any physical damage… this is what I mean and I only know a small amount of info… so please go to web md or one of the university psych pages, this is only what I perceive….

Repressed memories can be brought on by a traumatic event… like the one in Big Springs, Texas… Though I was badly beaten, it doesn’t mean that my brain was injured during this particular beating… the trauma of the events caused me to detach from reality and for all intents and purpose… I shut down and withdrew into the world of books… it was my escape, my alternate reality… at one time I could tell you every book I ever read… I can’t do that now… I gave away about 300 books when we left Arkansas… I haven’t picked one up since I started this journey… I kept one book, which was a gift from my dear friend… more a sister than friend…

I believe that my siblings suffered a non contact brain injury and just by watching how they live their lives… they are fighting demons they don’t even know exist… so they turn to man-made religion instead of psychiatric help…. and I am of no help to them… I am just now exploring the memories that have been brought forward… it takes time to digest the ugly parts, all the while hoping for good memories to come forward… some joy or happiness that might have existed in that house… so many more miles to travel, before I get to turn that light off at the end of the tunnel… so many more miles….

So you can suffer TBI by psychological trauma and never be in an accident or be physically touched… I know I was abused all of my childhood and suffered a impact TBI as a child, before the age of 13 at the hands of my mother…. the event in Texas leads me to believe it was the trauma of the violence that caused me to shut down… but I have no proof that I didn’t suffer a physical brain injury during that violent event…. and my mother is refusing to talk….

My desire, my insatiable need to know… the thirst for the truth and knowledge will give me what I hunger for… 50 years I was running… I am running no more… I walked away from the falseness of religion and I turned to myself…

Nothing in life is insurmountable if you believe in Yourself…. I believe in me so much, I faced the Texas incident, the night Margie died….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Remembering…

As it draws near to my birthday I am taken back to a birthday that was never celebrated…

After that hot night in Big Springs, Texas where Margie died, time passed, but not that much time… 

Margie remembers her grandmothers passing a woman she knew nothing about, but it devastated her mother… she remembers being covered in bruises and some people watching the kids while the folks went to grandmas funeral….

Her next memory picks up and dad is leaving for Japan with a promise that a gift will be waiting for me, because we had no money to celebrate my 14th… no clue what went down on the 13th one…

A few months later we arrive in Japan and get stuck in the rice patties at Johnson AFB… 

How we went from Texas to Japan in such a short time was not apparent to me until I woke up… dad had tried to kill me and hurt others… the nightmare was no more…

The next memory I have pissed off mother and dad proceeds to beat me until he re-injures my brain… I am down for a while… never was seen by a doctor and no Americans living in those paper-thin homes turned him in… Preacher next door, other Airmen and families living  so close, you could talk thru thin walls… no one turned them in….

My memories pick up in base housing and I am turning 16 and things are starting to change… I have very few memories of high school or a friend who knows me from then… I have zero memories of her, but I had her picture in my photo album…

Some how we ended up on Okinawa, I received another blow to the brain and I lost another couple of years….

Yet last nights dreams, brought on a melancholy that I haven’t felt before… I could see the damage being done to all my siblings in a flash… such bright futures and what all of them got; turned into mini me’s of their parents… I am so glad I escaped….

Though I am sad I did not do more to save them… It took me 50 years to quit running…

Domestic violence and old song… Sung among the rich and the poor… The powerful and the weak… The manipulation of humans for only one purpose…. to do your will…. That is what a victim is…

A survivor is one who shouts it from the rooftops…. TIMES UP #METOO… 

A Survivor is me…

I Remember….

Headache means nightmares…

Like I always say… Never say never…. I know I am way to young into this journey to unlock Margies secrets… Which at times feels like the kid is playing keep away with me… she really is a little minx…

margie
I see no sparkle in my eyes… only fear…

The headache, in the left quadrant of my skull, lets me know that it will be a bad night for sleep or at least the sleep will not be conducive to rest…

I will never understand what this little 6-year-old girl did to have both of those arms left with blunt force trauma fractures and the little finger broken… oh yes, I forgot… she told the truth…

The glow from the lava is bright tonight, once in a while a little shake or boom explosion… as it builds more land… the flowers I planted are attracting more birds… so much habitat lost to the lava… we hope to see the hawks that nested near us once again… Life does go on, even though I am just a few miles from earths most destructive power… Nature, now that is the true master of destiny… Our planet…

Time to calm the mind in hopes of sleep… We will see what the morrow brings…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

 

Warped Sense of Humor… you betcha…

This week has been a struggle… What I had always contributed to menopause at the age of 25, was actually my neuropathy… I have been reviewing those memories I have, looking for the first clue that I had this illness… I think it was about the age of 17, right after the last time my father knocked me upside the skull and I slide for 10 feet or so on carpet on my knees…

It wasn’t too long after that blow… I went to suicide cliff on Okinawa, where we lived, and I went with a boyfriend… what happened while we were there I always thought was a heat stroke… but I was way off the mark… self-diagnosis…never a good idea… No what happened that day has happened numerous times over the years… all related to the neuropathy disease…

Not only have I been sensitive to heat during flare ups… but I fight constantly to maintain posture and keep my neck aligned… all because 2 adults thought I should be their punching bag… christians… will never get it… just one of those things in life, I will never understand…

Anyway… because my body received so much trauma and I never recieved medical care… the way I understand it… the nerves and muscles etc… quit communicating with each other and they do their own thing… 

Along with those symptoms comes the reason for this complaint… because I swear no GYN doctor ever told me hot flash’s could last a life time… and that is exactly what I thought was happening for the last 40 years… after the hysterectomy… but nope… it was the neuropathy disease…

Do you have any clue how relieved I am that it’s not menopause… the neuropathy disease I can deal with… but driving down the road with my head hanging out the window because of hot flash’s was becoming a reality…. I just didn’t understand that the hot flash’s do not last like the neuropathy warmness does… which can be hours instead of minutes…. so this old puppy dog will use the AC instead…

It still blows my ass out of the water that 6 weeks after I had my 2nd child I was at basic training… not knowing about the neuropathy or TBI or PTSD… the journey that follows is full of intrigue, rape, attempted murder, assault, theft and more…. Vance AFB, a place I will never forget, Enid, Oklahoma… where my life changed and I have been looking back ever since….

 

cropped-imported-photos-00084-e1513228796738

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Bad dreams….

I can always tell when I wake up if I had bad dreams or not…. and if they are extreme in their violence I usually wake up with a scream on my lips or major headache…

Those things haven’t been happening… Instead what ever the dream or nightmare is… it only impacts me for the first hour I am awake then it fades away… just as the past is fading away…

Memories are a complicated subject… When I was curious about my own past and never could get anyone to say anything that would be medically helpful… ya know from your mom or dad, who are supposed to know about your childhood injuries… I was told of none… really sad when ya think about it… these 2 adults are typical of fake christians in America… Hiding behind religion, because to be a man or woman took too much effort…

As for memories… With TBI’s you never know what memory sector of your brain will be impacted unless you know where you received the trauma to your brain… Since I have no such medical information, we have to go with the headaches and the indention on the right side of my skull, which you can feel with your fingers…

Once I understood that information… I knew that infarct and strokes usually only impact the short-term memory section and most of the time people will go straight into physical therapy to learn the things they forgot…

Losing your long-term memory is much more complicated and still there is a lot they don’t know… They really need to live inside the brain of someone who is actually living with lost memories….

I had no say on what I remember and don’t remember… When the shrink at El Paso mentioned what he thought my memory ability was, I wasn’t surprised… I always found it odd that I could remember things in great detail… probably why my boss’s in the federal government didn’t like me… I blew the whistle on lots of abuse… cost me a couple of jobs in the process… and the corruption continues under Trump and the GOP… sorry I digress…

As for the memories… I can remember my being hit at about 18 months old with the hair brush… being a baby and never hearing the stories my mother told, I had no other information on that incident… yet when I brought it up to my mother…it was as if she saw a ghost and she realized, I could remember all the way back to my toddler days…

What she didn’t know was that I had big holes in my memories… in fact years were missing… When I confronted her about it in 2010, she refused to provide any information… She got her final revenge on a child she never wanted… she withheld vital medical information… That was the last time I saw the woman I called mother… What I call her now, isn’t printable…

So I went thru psych testing in 2011 at the El Paso VA and the results were not surprising… Above average intelligence… suffers from PTSD due to her illness and he told me possible Edetic memory ability… The doctor and I did not know about the TBI at that time… I would learn that on November 7, 2017, which I have written about… that hot night in Big Springs, Texas….

So when people say they remember what went down when they were 3 or 5… It is very doubtful, unless they have been coached… something like that went on with my granddaughters… when the truth comes out, the other parent will have some explaining to do… Sorry, I digress…

It is normal for the average person to see something happen and 30 seconds later, they can NOT give you detailed information… That is just the human brain in action… That’s why multiple witness’s are needed, so that the stories can be compared and find the common thread in the memory…

My attention to detail, cost me every time I opened my mouth in that christian household… It wasn’t truth, honesty, integrity or morales, values or ethics those adults wanted… They wanted mini me’s…. I refused and got beaten more times than I remember… but my body never forgot… the internal scars are extensive and the people in that household should have rotted in prison…

Instead they raised children to lie, steal, cheat, rape and abuse…. so my parents got what they wanted in all their kids… except me… 

I refused to buy into their fake religion, fake god or fake values… You learn real quick in this type of household how to tell the difference between fake and real and you always know how to spot a con…. Trump was obvious from the first word he uttered… makes you wonder why the bigots in America are tolerated… oh yea.. it’s America… seems like such a BS comment though..

Volcano generated weather…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Letting Go… Not all that hard to do….

You will hear people say, let it go and move on and upward an onward and go forward… Frankly their interpretation of those words are a whole lot different from my interpretation….

That is what life is about… how we interpret the world around us and perceive the people we share this world with…along with a hefty dose of fear it would seem….

I allowed fear at one time to have a say in my life… My heart would race uncontrollably, I would feel cold and clammy and my breath is hard to keep…

Once I faced that fear and I saw with eyes wide open, no longer afraid of a mythical god… but actually looked at the players in my life, I am very fortunate not to be as messed up as they are… all because they believe a child was conceived on this earth without a man’s help… I mean REALLY???

Sorry I digress… What I am telling you… Letting go does improve the quality of life…

For the first time in a very long time… I am sleeping through most of the night and I am not getting a snack at night either… both habits established as a child because of domestic violence….

I don’t dwell on the past or waste a lot of time thinking of the predators who did so much harm to children…. No, I am finally living my life… free of any guilt associated with my siblings… they all need mental health help and until they get it… they can just keep their distance… Mom & Dad got what they wanted a bunch of mini me’s…. they can have them in their current state….

There are some questions I will never get answers too and that part of the book will have to be creative writing… I still want to go back to Big Springs, Texas… I know the house where we lived 50 years ago… and it is still standing according to Goggle earth….

As for all the other angst that went along with healing… they will in time… after nearly 64 years on this planet… they will heal… but the scars will never disappear…

As for the depression… not an issue… even though the doc put me on a new cholesterol drug, that may be a side effect… just started it… but other than that… no depression….

It feels somewhat weird not to be depressed… it’s been such a companion for so many decades, it’s like I lost something precious but annoying…. I can feel the little girl in me that has hidden away in her jail cell for so many decades starting to giggle and wiggle her way back into my life…

I have vague memories of having quite a mouth on me as a kid… always with a smart quip or remark… those have been popping out lately… hubby nearly spewed breakfast when I made some goofy remark yesterday…

So, I believe Margie is no longer hiding, but taking her first steps into the world after so many decades locked away…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..