Pele is building Hawaii…

One thing you learn quickly in life… you have no control over anyone or anything, except yourself…

Pele is moving ever closer to the water… she is due west of us at about 10 miles or less… we sit 1 mile from the water…

Trying to sleep at night, when you get woke up by shaking or the dogs letting you know they are scared… or better yet, when the air is heavy with VOG… you realize sleep becomes wanting… 

There are several thousand people displaced by this eruption… No one has been hurt as of yet… over 30 structures have burned down and are now buried under lava…

There is no end in sight… Those of us who live near this, are just waiting and watching… that is all you can do, when mother nature decides to clean house…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

TBI & PTSD, journey to remember…

By now, you have noticed, I don’t write, If I don’t have anything to write about… and when I do,  that usually means my night was filled with activity…

It’s a fine line you walk, when you push to remember… I could take it super slow and just push it off to deal with at a later date… I did that for 50 years… Every night that I have dreams is an opportunity to clean house…

Not every dream has to do with my childhood… Every once in a while I will have that weird dream that wakes you up or leaves an impression and you shake your head and think that was a fun ride to know where… but, according to the pros, our dreams mean something…don’t know what that something is, for me it was just a nice interruption in the nightly nightmares….

With the volcano doing it’s thing and making life a little more unsettled and having nightmares, sleep is back to take it when you get it… smoke a bowl in the middle of the night to calm the brain and roll back over and finally… you got no control over anyone or anything, including volcanoes…

The depression is there, but not any place close to what it was… I will be the first to acknowledge it is hard to believe anyone would deliberately set out to hurt a child… but the more I hear in the news of current victims… I have to make myself accept… I was thrown away for a corrupt religion and belief…. or it was jealousy… or mental illness…  Since I will never know that answer… I have to accept that though I was a victim of domestic violence… I survived…  So many did not…

Now its just working on freeing Margie, so that her existence is acknowledged and her voice, like so many others is finally heard…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

New Dreams become suspect…

Even I can feel the difference… It is a calm peace, I am guessing this is what they call acceptance for what you can not change…

PTSD is a weird disorder to have and I think that is what is melting away… not completely… no there is still some residual anger and confusion… and now with the advent of new dreams a touch of chaos has come back into the picture… but… I am aware of it… that is the difference…

I am not dis-associating with my past… I am not allowing Margie to run back to her safe zone, her little jail cell… no, when the thoughts or memories pop up, I don’t push them away… instead I force myself to look at them…

Not always successful… failure is a big part of this journey to remember Margie… I am realistic enough to know that super woman I am not, educated enough to understand I am not and most of all… it’s only been 6 months since I woke up from this nightmare…

From my perspective I have made headway into unlocking the past… got a little help from the pros… the med docs are trying to figure the rest out… patience, not a virtue in my world… more of annoying or as we say in the military… hurry up and wait… and wait…

The new dreams make for some disruption in my day… it causes me to flash on a memory from the past… after a while you are so tired, you need a power nap… to bad our brains don’t come with back up batteries…

What the new dreams tell me is that there are repressed memories and my mind is ever so slowly opening up to let Margie be heard… makes for some real lousy headaches… Yet the dreams are a view of what my birth family were really like, with the rose-colored glass’ in the trash and only clear lens viewing from now on… that… is what I think is giving me peace of mind… Why??? Because I am not running from it, I am running to it…

We are working hard to return to the mainland next year, if at all possible… I have many places to visit, to see if it will trigger more memories…

The more I read about PTSD and TBI… the more I realize, the specialist are learning as they go… some day, I hope to get the scan of my brain… either way in life or death… it will be documented how I survived so many assaults and still was able to scratch out a living… Only time will tell…

The stress of Pele, spewing lava about 10 miles from our house is a little stimulating… but… I was in the military and prepared we always have been for this life style… It’s been a roller coaster at our house, but no damage… just VOG… We had AC installed last week, so that we can close up when it gets bad…

Think of those in lava zone 1 & 2… some have lost everything they ever worked for, plus their homes…. We are in zone 3 and reasonably safe…

Mahalo for reading my story…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember…

Pele, you can feel her underneath…

Pele is letting us know she is not happy… the land is not respected, yet those that live upon that land expect respect…

Peles tears flow like a river as they spread across the land… If you listen you can hear Peles cries as her tears flow beneath our feet…

Pele is superstition, which is what we humans turn too, when we can’t explain away what is happening…

Living on an active volcano is not for the faint of heart… becoming attached to material belongings is never a good idea when living on an active volcano…

Our skies are dark and the air is heavy with VOG and we wait… those in the know, say to expect a major blow at anytime… We live in Lava zone 3… 1 & 2 are being built upon right now…

I sit here and listen to the cardinals doing their song and wonder what if and hope for the best… knowing that we are as prepared as we can be, when mother nature decides to keep secrets about her next move…

I feel the movement under my feet and know that the lava is on the move… no one knows where it will push up next… I just hope its out in the ocean…

The air is still, but as long as the birds are singing… we are safe… Send positive thoughts to those who already lost all they possessed…they are the ones in need…

Times Up #MeToo

I Remember….

Pele cleaning house…

As Madame Pele cleans house, you just have to sit back and observe the power of nature on this planet we all live on…

For the Hawaiians it’s a belief in the goddess Pele and her right to clean house… for the person who has lost everything because of an unstoppable force, its world-changing…

Our existence on this rock is wholly dependent on what nature allows… Every time the house shakes, jumps up and down or rocks, I think is this the big one… Is this the beginning of the end of my time on Hawaii…

Every day is a gift… there is no promised tomorrow in the real world… Live life with no regrets and hopefully when you are faced with losing everything of material value… you will realize just how fortunate you are…

You woke up this morning…

Keep those in Lava zone 1 an 2 in your thoughts… many have lost homes and more…

Madam Pele is building the island of Hawaii… we may have to get out of her way… I hope Pele goes gentle into the night…

Aloha

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…cropped-dsc_48232.jpg

Emotional Baggage…

The eruptions of our local volcano and it’s chaos throwing issues into my nights… last night it was the sulfur dioxide, which stunk then and still is now… that brought a wealth of emotional feelings into my nightmares… why??? Big Springs, Texas… google it… you will see they have a gas and oil refinery there and when the air was still like it was that night in Texas, when Margie died, that is all you smelled… rotten eggs… It is funny and disconcerting what brings some of these repressed memories to the forefront… But… always that one little annoying word… BUT…

The emotional baggage that this active volcano is stirring up is a good thing… an exhausting thing, but good… it makes my brain go back to that time after the birth of my half-sister…

It makes my brain think of the time before the assault and the time after… I don’t know if I will ever remember the time during the attack… If I didn’t make memories, then there is nothing to remember… that is how brain injury and damage works… you don’t always get a say on what you remember…You have to make memories, to remember memories…

I find my mind floating to many subjects that all have to do with my childhood that was stolen… I do get a flash of memory in my waking moments, thanks to our active volcano… What psychology says about, site, sound and smell… anything can trigger your repressed memories… you just got to be receptive to remembering…

I do have my go to place, when I get uncomfortable flash’s of memory… I am struggling with falling back on that action… they say it takes only a few days to make a habit…but it can take weeks, to break that habit…if not years… I’m working on it…

The little bit of mental health counseling I got, has helped… it is sad that you call and no one calls you back for appointments… but that is health care in America… if you got the money, you can get what you need…if you are dependent upon the Veterans system…you are reasonably screwed… it is what it is… but, again that but… I don’t know if I have CTE or if there are blood clots on the brain… it will take another seizure or medical incident to get anyone to do their job… For a nation that is a leader in the world… our health care for Veterans is the worse in the world… 35 years in the system… as a disabled veteran…

Anyway… this active volcano is a good thing for me, but bad for the residents being forced out of their homes… Life is about opportunity and this is one opportunity I am embracing as our house shakes, rattles and rolls with the rest of the island…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

 

Missing the Chaos…

If nothing else, since Nov 7, 2017.. the chaos has subsided significantly… So much so, I actually miss it sometimes…

After 50 years of thought process that was all over the page and so distracting and intruding… It’s nice to wake up and my mind go to a subject that has absolutely nothing to do with the past…

It’s as if a broken record had been playing for 50 years or I have been on a non-stop merry-go-round… either way, its repetition in my dreams and daily life are slowly melting away…

The emotional aspect of this journey has been interesting too… Emotionally I feel detached from people and a little like Spock from Star Trek… but that could also be nothing more than a physiology issue with hormones… getting older is throwing a wrench into how to interpret what I am physically and emotionally feeling on this road to remember Margie…

I am dreaming and the dream as usual is always the same and I am only getting to remember a small portion of that dream… Don’t know if its new memories that are repressed or if it’s something I have dreamed before and it’s part of the PTSD portion of this ride… Either way, it is a slow, cumbersome process…

I am still waiting on records from the national archives to show up, which may trigger more memories and throw me back into the chaos a little bit… but as I adjust to the knowledge that my birth family did all they could to end my life before the age of 18… the more I can acknowledge they are mentally ill and should be in prison…

The anger aspect of it hasn’t been as intense… I can’t undo what is and I can’t erase the damage to my body… just live with it…

I have a couple of years on Hawaii to work on all that… what better place than an active volcano to dispel the demons from my past…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….