Circle of Silence….

I was raised on the bible… it’s an interesting book and yes I read it, like so many others before… but… to me it read like a good piece of fiction… You can’t flood the earth and humans survive… we are not able to breathe water and extract air and with that much moisture on the planet, we would have been one soaking sponge trying to find air… At least a documentary I saw years ago talked about the difficulty of human life surviving on just a water planet, not flora or fauna…

You can’t part the waters, but a tsunami can… You can’t destroy a city with just chanting… but an ancient meteor shower can….

You can kill a giant with a sling shot… you just have to know where to hit the person in the head and anyone who lives on farms, learns this stuff at a young age… no miracle there either…

As for raising the dead… they do that all the time, now  90% of the time it is the person who died who comes back… nothing mystical there either… the brain is more powerful than any computer so far… and no they don’t have a full understanding of the brain… Medicine is not black and white…

As for Moses and the slaves… it has been proven that the pyramids were built by paid labor… Facts over stories… Don’t believe me, then check out National Geographic or other creditable teaching institutions… Facts… not stories…

Then you got the religions… now in the news the circle of silence of predator priests… Nothing new there… Predators come in all shapes and sizes and gods come in any shape and size you imagine… you gave them a license to abuse… you believed in a man-made religion that has no more substance than Trumps Space Force….

That circle of silence went on in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas and many more places… Places that are high in left-wing religious bigots who thing its okay to abuse a child through physical, psychological and sexual abuse…

Circle of silence is no more…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Depression & Neuropathy….

When I was told I had clinical depression and no one knew why I was depressed… wonder why red flags didn’t go off??? Again VA doctor, psychological testing, yada, yada, yada…. a few years before the last test…

What I am learning about neuropathy is you can have depression because of it… Ya know the shrink at El Paso VA, who did my Eval in 11, stated in my file that I had PTSD associated with my illness… though what illness he didn’t say… I have been told I have Fibromyalgia by a RA doctor… I was told by a GI doctor that I had Gerd and Irritable Bowl Syndrome… I was told by a urologist I had IC (interstitial cystitis) and recently I was told I have this weird Tachycardia issue… So I wonder what illness he was referring too… get my drift… The doctor was close… He was right about the PTSD and depression, but not the illness… I don’t have the ones above, I have Autonomic Neuropathy and have had it since the beating at the age of 6… explains why I was so thin… it still happens to this day… got down to 114 pounds in 98 and I was only 44 yrs old… nice weight, but I looked like Olive Oil…

Back to the depression… I used to be so optimistic, ya know glass half empty or half full, however that analogy goes… I think that is what has help me make it through the last 9 months since waking up… My attitude started changing because I was getting my answers… and the answers I couldn’t get, I am comfortable in waiting for them… No anxiety, no depression or fear that things will go back to the way they were… Nope just plodding along, step by step… evaluating the memories as they present themselves…

Now when tears come to my eyes it’s because of anything else but not the past… It’s just life… living it, feeling it, enjoying it…

Depression —–1000         Maggi ++++1,000,000,000 and going strong…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Rebound started…

The pattern holds true with the neuropathy incidents… I will either get months of semi relief or I will get a year or two… rarely do I get more than that… after 4 decades of this… you get to recognize the pattern IF you are aware… Thanks to Margie, I woke up and I am aware…

Hubby and I tried to figure out the pattern over the last 24 years together… we didn’t get very far… growing your own pot for medical reasons, can leave the brain out to pasture in the thought process… After we laughed about it, I just made a mental note to re-visit the subject when our brains weren’t distracted…

Connecting the dots on my last 40 years of health care and the breakdown of the system, makes me grateful for the brain that refused to take what the doctors said as gospel… No instead I kept questioning it… If I had known about the TBI, things likely would have played out differently… Since mother refuses to provide me with that critical information, I have to rely on my ability to get my hands on old records… Which I have…

It is sad to think that my health issues are related only to domestic violence and nothing else… I have to say thank you to my doctor here… She ran every test she wanted and the VA approved them… So genetics, full body work up and mental… and I got my answers… or at least most of my medical answers I have… The memories, that will come in a year or two with hypnosis thru the VA in Spokane…

We got news recently that will change our lives and is allowing us to leave Hawaii sooner than later… We just have some things to do, before we sell our house… We want someone to just bring their suitcase and move in… we are selling it fully furnished…. all you need is your personal belongings… We figure with the loss of so many homes during the lava flow… It will make it easier for someone who lost everything….. This is one sell that we are looking forward too….

As the plumbers show up to do the work needed, I am just happy it’s not hot, so the house is open until the guys are done… My neuropathy and heat don’t mix well….

I can look forward to some activity until my body says no more…. The day is started and chores await…. There is hope for us with this illness… It’s just one day at time…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

That Aha Moment….

Something I have focused on in remembering, is how I was treated at the dinner table…. I do not believe I was denied food…

As the memories come back….I remember that after the beating at the age of 6 by my mother… That beating was so violent, she triggered the Autonomic neuropathy and repeated beatings over the years caused the Sensiromotor neuropathy… The symptoms of the Autonomic presented themself by impacting my digestive system… 

This makes so much sense… My nickname until I left home was “skinny weenie”, and “olive oil”… I was that thin… With Autonomic thats one of its hallmarks of symptoms…. Bowel issues is the other and you got it… Diagnoised with IBS and Gerd… Both wrong… It is neuropathy…. 

Boggles the mind doesn’t… Under constant medical care my whole life and not one American doctor got anything right… Scary when you think about how much they charge for crappy service… Ya know, we should figure out a way to fix that… Oh wait Obama did and the GOP is taking health care from everyone who isn’t rich…. My bad…

I have no problem correcting my writing if I remember the time in question clearly… Such is the journey to remembering… To bad Trump has no such back bone….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember……

Prisoner of my betraying body…

I imagine, that people who get cancer and I have known my fair share that have… I imagine they feel like their body betrayed them when they were told it was cancer hurting them…

I also imagine those who are given the label of MS or Parkinson or the long list of other neurological diseases feel the same… 

I can imagine only because since 1978, when my symptoms became evident… I got literally no place in the military health care system… Vietnam was over when I entered and we were not at war, so our medical staff was being replace with fresh face residents out of medical school… much like the VA system now, tied with teaching establishments… which is a good thing…

When you are lied to by those medical staff and yes it happened… the cover up of the rape and attempted murder of my children was more important than my career… I was naive and very ignorant at the time… I was also unaware of all that I had been put through and the military covered it up, when I was a child… it happens… It’s not the organizations that are corrupt, but the very people running them… Look at the President… the dude is the most corrupt man and peeps are still fawning over the idiot…

When I say I am a prisoner of my own body… I stand inside the air condition comfort and watch thru the windows as my husband does my chores outside… I can’t tolerate the heat right now… it’s happened many times before… it’s just worse than before… and last longer…

When my body betrays me and I become locked in my home… I can expect a reprieve from the symptoms… it can last a year or longer or it can last 6 months… either way… I know that what I am going thru is a pattern that I recognize and I know that I should bounce back soon… If I don’t, then all I have done to keep the illness under control is lost and I have to hope they come up with something else that will work to give me quality of life…

It is frustrating when your body betrays you and you are an active person… its been a lifestyle change that was forced on me at the age of 6… I am just hoping that this round of symptoms back off when the fall gets to Hawaii… Now you understand why we are moving home to eastern Washington… I need those seasonal temperature changes so I can live outside my home… Neuropathy is a pain… I quit fighting it, now I try to work with it… Frankly, I have no other choice….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Winning the battle…

Its been a long weekend… I lost 5 pounds… mostly in water… So replacing the water is a 2 way sword sometimes… With this neuropathy illness… it can trigger the actions all over again and it did…so today… just hoping to be able to eat and not have adverse reactions…

This is what I have lived with since 1978 when these symptoms picked up speed and I kept being told there was nothing wrong…only one problem… no one sent me to neurology when I was in the Air Force… Not one doctor… sigh…

The nightmare was not knowing or understanding what I was experiencing all these years and yes I saw GI doctors and everyone, except neurology… the Air Force screwed up royally… all because it was more important to protect the image of Vance AFB, in Enid, Oklahoma…

Back then to slip a woman a doctored drink and rape her and it be done by pilots in training and when you report it you get asked, “what did you do to invite such behavior”… disgusting huh…. but that is the culture in the Air Force and still is… they will deny it… but remember… they buried the truth about my near death in Big Springs, Texas and shipped us off to Japan to keep the story quiet… that was 1968… Then is a small town in Texas a disgruntled airman killed 26 people on Nov 5, 2017… The Air Force has gotten away with so much corruption it makes you wonder how they function with any honor or ethics… oh and don’t forget the rape of my child at Vance AFB by the first sgt kid… The first sgt got to retire and I kicked out of the military and no FBI investigation… This happened ON VANCE AFB, a federal installation… cover up… That is the Air Force speciality… that was in 1980….

So for anyone to say our military is honorable… wrong… I love my country… but I am so over men running our country into the ground, because image is more important than human life… when our military shows me that in all branches… only then will I have pride having worn that uniform…

Change only comes when people have had enough of corruption and bigotry and lies… these people thought a child deserved what they got… I am living with what I got 58 years later, because the Air Force covered up the truth…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

 

Sensorimotor Neuropathy….

That is the other label the Neurologist put on me… So its Autonomic and Sensorimotor Neuropathy I was diagnosed with this year… essentially polyneuropathy is the catch-all phrase for it….

Because I suffered no major illness, was never in a bad auto accident, was never injured in sports cause I rarely played them…no physical injury in the military and most of all no other human alive or dead ever laid a hand on me, except, mom and dad…. 

With medical records as far back as 1974, the evidence speaks for itself… The combination of the 2 neuropathies are the end result of domestic violence and not receiving proper medical care…

If a doctor saw the blunt force trauma to that 6-year-old… Those 2 adults would have gone to jail… So many people kept silent… So many aunts and uncles… Why… Because it was happening in their homes…. 2 of the uncles were in the military… Silence among men, while the innocent suffer….

Since leaving home, I have searched for answers about my health and mental status… To finally have those answers and to finally know the truth is a great relief…

The neuropathy will never go away… but as hubby and I discuss all the times the incidents have happened and the pattern of events that go along with those incidents… It gives us great relief to know the truth…

I will never understand the religious and the truth… the two do not and will never go together… it will always be laced with bigotry, conspiracy theories and fear of their shadow…

I will take my life… with all the angst that goes with the neuropathy and the hiccup of not completely knowing my childhood… right here, right now… I’m good… I am happy, a little sore today… but my life is so very good… 

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….