Anger begins to boil….

I woke up this morning angry… Don’t remember a bad dream… In fact I haven’t had any PTSD nightmares for some time now… So, what triggered my anger…. 

As with remembering the memories that are repressed, it takes triggers for those buried memories of trauma to come forward… the same with the anger… and I realize, it’s because some one posted some religious garbage and it was on my page…. That is what pissed me off…

I get everyone in the world has a right to believe as they like, live as they like and think as they like… But even in America you have the morons who think what they believe is the only thing out there to believe and you realize even for educated people… they are dumb as posts….

How many scandals does it take to show how corrupt religion is… How many children are you willing to sacrifice, just because you believe in a god no one can see, touch, smell, taste or hear…. and you think I’m nuts…. Yea, right…. It’s called you can’t fix stupid without going to jail….

Yet in America we have the right to believe, not believe, live it or not live it…. We can isolate ourselves and we can live among millions… but we all have the freedom to choose what path in life we take…. Not some story line from a couple thousand years ago….

We have been walking this earth for 275,000 years plus… Gods only got here when those who wanted power did just like Trump is doing…. They lie and con you and story tellers have been instrumental in our world for thousands of years…. It doesn’t make the story true…

I have no need to be told right from wrong…. I know the difference… I have no need to ask anyone for any kind of forgiveness…. I live my life based on right and wrong… I will make mistakes and I will make the effort to not repeat those mistakes… I am only human… and to be human is to err….

Only those who break laws believe in gods… so they have an excuse to break the humans laws…. Its called bait and switch…. Because they believe they have a right and don’t have to ask before they rape you, but make you atone for your sins that are not sins, but laws broken by humans…. but your god will forgive you…. 

You really can’t fix stupid without going to jail….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Magic Carpet Ride…

It can be psychedelic or lets view it from this angle its a kalidascope of fractured colors as if I was looking through a prism… It goes with the headaches from the TBI’s… and since I have headaches in 3 places, we are reasonably sure that I had at least 3 TBI’s… and because we have the diagnosis of the neuropathie’s… more than one… this is a typical also…. Kind of makes a little sense why the military doctors get it so wrong and why vets give up…..  The doctors don’t get it, if they don’t get it, how can they help us… by text book??? Obviously that isn’t working or we wouldn’t have so many homeless, drug addicted veterans on the streets….

One shrink I saw at the Little Rock VA said point blank, “You don’t trust anyone, do you”… my reply… Why should I … Trust is earned not given… So no I don’t trust you… Never saw the dumb ass again… These docs are so text book and forget about the humans and then you got the counselors that are religious, which in my book, screws people up even more with false rhetoric about an invisible god… I mean really give me a break…

The headaches that go with my TBI’s have been with me for as long as I can remember… They have always been in the same place, something my hubby can attest to, by 24 years of my bitching about the headaches….

Sometimes those headaches are a warning of something to come… It could just be a flash in the pan type of incident or it can last over 24 hours… Which the last one lasted 26 hours… and took me 4 days to recover… You have to be aware and connect the dots on the headaches and seizure type episodes… I still think the doc is off on this one… but I don’t have the education she does and I have to trust someone… Yet a pattern is obviously there, even If I don’t want to recognize it…

There have been 2 incidents in the last few weeks and the doc is trying to get my EEG approved… VA does not move fast for anyone unless you are connected to the white house… Fact, not fiction… So I wait and hope I don’t have anymore incidents… But now hubby knows what to do to help me if I need it… just part of domestic violence 46 years later… Its part of our lives and always will be… I have no other choice… I wasn’t given one… Most victims aren’t…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Okay I Am Jaded….

Okay I get it… I am real anti religion and I have little or nothing positive to say about it… Why is that… Well gee let’s go back to this weeks news about the Catholic Priests… Centuries of abuse and still going on… Lets talk about the Baptist… Moore comes to mind and the many women who came forward… I lived in Alabama and that circle of silence allowed my mother to get away with a vicious attack that left me with 2 kinds of neuropathy… yep real good christians in the south…

Does not matter the label you put on religion, ethnic, culture, what ever… all religions have one thing in common… They are based on stories and not facts… I keep asking for proof and all I get are empty words… 

I spend my free time learning… and by learning and growing, I was able to see religion for what it was used for… money, control, sex, abuse, politics… everything bad and what little good was done… could not, nor will it ever make up for the…..

CIRCLE OF SILENCE…..

Still believe in god… well then I am sorry you are missing out on what real life is really like…

Me… I believe in magic you muggles… it works both ways… at least I know mine is a fantasy…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Here we go again….

Hurricane Lane or tropical storm Lane which will go hurricane sometime in the next 24 hours is headed our way… Never fails, I move someplace and mother nature puts on one hell of a show…

First the volcano decided to move a little closer to us and opened up 23 fissures just a few miles away and has decided to take a nap and now our 2nd hurricane of the season… I am beginning to think I really need a vacation…. some place dry…

As we go through the process to prepare for what is coming in a few days my mind drifts from one memory to another… Ya know, I don’t get to look long at the memory… it pops into my sight and then its gone… but I know the memory intimately, even though I haven’t seen it for many decades…. Don’t know if this is a side effect from this weekends body melt down or if it’s just part of the repressed memories coming into the light… 

Either way, the memories bring a comfort and peace as they start to fill the hole left in me by domestic violence… So many decades of mental anguish and mother only had to tell me what happened so I could heal and she refused… Her revenge is complete…

Her taking my child and warping its thought process… Allowing that child to be raped by my own sibling and she did not stop it… Her refusal to tell me what happened when Margie died, making my journey to remember that much more difficult… but not impossible… she couldn’t deny me… she couldn’t stop me from remembering…. yes the woman who says she knows her god, will take the secret to her grave… only to find out that there is no heaven or hell… We live and we die… nothing more, nothing less… You get one chance at life… Live a lie of religion, always afraid of your shadow or live a life of reality and thrive in the beauty of our world that is just a fluke of nature… Nothing more, nothing less…

Never go to your grave regretting what you wanted to do but didn’t because you were afraid… Fear is the mind killer, I will face my fear and let it pass through me and only I will remain… Believe in yourself… you are real flesh and blood… gods are fantasy, imagination and a wish for what you can’t have, because you refuse to work for it, so you pray… prayer never solved anything on this planet, its just a feel good fake out… Life is worth living, you just have to want it… you just have to believe in yourself… You just have to face your fears…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…

Circle of Silence….

I was raised on the bible… it’s an interesting book and yes I read it, like so many others before… but… to me it read like a good piece of fiction… You can’t flood the earth and humans survive… we are not able to breathe water and extract air and with that much moisture on the planet, we would have been one soaking sponge trying to find air… At least a documentary I saw years ago talked about the difficulty of human life surviving on just a water planet, not flora or fauna…

You can’t part the waters, but a tsunami can… You can’t destroy a city with just chanting… but an ancient meteor shower can….

You can kill a giant with a sling shot… you just have to know where to hit the person in the head and anyone who lives on farms, learns this stuff at a young age… no miracle there either…

As for raising the dead… they do that all the time, now  90% of the time it is the person who died who comes back… nothing mystical there either… the brain is more powerful than any computer so far… and no they don’t have a full understanding of the brain… Medicine is not black and white…

As for Moses and the slaves… it has been proven that the pyramids were built by paid labor… Facts over stories… Don’t believe me, then check out National Geographic or other creditable teaching institutions… Facts… not stories…

Then you got the religions… now in the news the circle of silence of predator priests… Nothing new there… Predators come in all shapes and sizes and gods come in any shape and size you imagine… you gave them a license to abuse… you believed in a man-made religion that has no more substance than Trumps Space Force….

That circle of silence went on in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas and many more places… Places that are high in left-wing religious bigots who thing its okay to abuse a child through physical, psychological and sexual abuse…

Circle of silence is no more…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Depression & Neuropathy….

When I was told I had clinical depression and no one knew why I was depressed… wonder why red flags didn’t go off??? Again VA doctor, psychological testing, yada, yada, yada…. a few years before the last test…

What I am learning about neuropathy is you can have depression because of it… Ya know the shrink at El Paso VA, who did my Eval in 11, stated in my file that I had PTSD associated with my illness… though what illness he didn’t say… I have been told I have Fibromyalgia by a RA doctor… I was told by a GI doctor that I had Gerd and Irritable Bowl Syndrome… I was told by a urologist I had IC (interstitial cystitis) and recently I was told I have this weird Tachycardia issue… So I wonder what illness he was referring too… get my drift… The doctor was close… He was right about the PTSD and depression, but not the illness… I don’t have the ones above, I have Autonomic Neuropathy and have had it since the beating at the age of 6… explains why I was so thin… it still happens to this day… got down to 114 pounds in 98 and I was only 44 yrs old… nice weight, but I looked like Olive Oil…

Back to the depression… I used to be so optimistic, ya know glass half empty or half full, however that analogy goes… I think that is what has help me make it through the last 9 months since waking up… My attitude started changing because I was getting my answers… and the answers I couldn’t get, I am comfortable in waiting for them… No anxiety, no depression or fear that things will go back to the way they were… Nope just plodding along, step by step… evaluating the memories as they present themselves…

Now when tears come to my eyes it’s because of anything else but not the past… It’s just life… living it, feeling it, enjoying it…

Depression —–1000         Maggi ++++1,000,000,000 and going strong…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Rebound started…

The pattern holds true with the neuropathy incidents… I will either get months of semi relief or I will get a year or two… rarely do I get more than that… after 4 decades of this… you get to recognize the pattern IF you are aware… Thanks to Margie, I woke up and I am aware…

Hubby and I tried to figure out the pattern over the last 24 years together… we didn’t get very far… growing your own pot for medical reasons, can leave the brain out to pasture in the thought process… After we laughed about it, I just made a mental note to re-visit the subject when our brains weren’t distracted…

Connecting the dots on my last 40 years of health care and the breakdown of the system, makes me grateful for the brain that refused to take what the doctors said as gospel… No instead I kept questioning it… If I had known about the TBI, things likely would have played out differently… Since mother refuses to provide me with that critical information, I have to rely on my ability to get my hands on old records… Which I have…

It is sad to think that my health issues are related only to domestic violence and nothing else… I have to say thank you to my doctor here… She ran every test she wanted and the VA approved them… So genetics, full body work up and mental… and I got my answers… or at least most of my medical answers I have… The memories, that will come in a year or two with hypnosis thru the VA in Spokane…

We got news recently that will change our lives and is allowing us to leave Hawaii sooner than later… We just have some things to do, before we sell our house… We want someone to just bring their suitcase and move in… we are selling it fully furnished…. all you need is your personal belongings… We figure with the loss of so many homes during the lava flow… It will make it easier for someone who lost everything….. This is one sell that we are looking forward too….

As the plumbers show up to do the work needed, I am just happy it’s not hot, so the house is open until the guys are done… My neuropathy and heat don’t mix well….

I can look forward to some activity until my body says no more…. The day is started and chores await…. There is hope for us with this illness… It’s just one day at time…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….