Missing the Chaos…

If nothing else, since Nov 7, 2017.. the chaos has subsided significantly… So much so, I actually miss it sometimes…

After 50 years of thought process that was all over the page and so distracting and intruding… It’s nice to wake up and my mind go to a subject that has absolutely nothing to do with the past…

It’s as if a broken record had been playing for 50 years or I have been on a non-stop merry-go-round… either way, its repetition in my dreams and daily life are slowly melting away…

The emotional aspect of this journey has been interesting too… Emotionally I feel detached from people and a little like Spock from Star Trek… but that could also be nothing more than a physiology issue with hormones… getting older is throwing a wrench into how to interpret what I am physically and emotionally feeling on this road to remember Margie…

I am dreaming and the dream as usual is always the same and I am only getting to remember a small portion of that dream… Don’t know if its new memories that are repressed or if it’s something I have dreamed before and it’s part of the PTSD portion of this ride… Either way, it is a slow, cumbersome process…

I am still waiting on records from the national archives to show up, which may trigger more memories and throw me back into the chaos a little bit… but as I adjust to the knowledge that my birth family did all they could to end my life before the age of 18… the more I can acknowledge they are mentally ill and should be in prison…

The anger aspect of it hasn’t been as intense… I can’t undo what is and I can’t erase the damage to my body… just live with it…

I have a couple of years on Hawaii to work on all that… what better place than an active volcano to dispel the demons from my past…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Eureka… not…..

I would like to get up every morning and think, that’s it… that is all of the first 18 years of life… there is nothing more to discover… Ya know, if I was only missing a short period of time in my childhood, I am thinking I could easily move on and get on with life… but of course, it’s not going to be that easy… cause why??? I am missing most of my first 18 years… 

Science says that by the time we are adults, we forget most of our childhood… Yet for years on social media, that’s all I see is post about people’s childhood and memories… do you have any idea how disconcerting that is, when you can’t even remember your 13th birthday!!!… Who forgets becoming a teenager???

The more psychology I read and the less I understand, the more I get this feeling that fast this process is not… easy, I wish… no… this whole journey to free Margie is so complicated it makes my head hurt, because it made me think even further outside the box than I already look… My high IQ means nothing, without education…

Though I know I am on the right path, I also know that it is going to be one bumpy, hilly, windy and sometimes flooded road to discovery…

The nightmares still happen, just not like they used too… The depression is still there, just not like it was before… and the fear of what is around the next corner is slowly turning into anticipation, because that means steps closer to the end of this road trip…

So when someone tells you to forget what just happened because it’s just a memory… tell them, not always… you have to remember for it to become, just a memory…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Fear is the Mind Killer…

Fear is ever-present in this process… Maybe not for those whose own memory loss was due to medical issues and not violence… Those of us who experienced violence in such terrifying moments in our lives, fear of remembering that horror can be debilitating…

I find myself on occasion thinking of other avenues of escape… just so I won’t have to face the memories of the past… If I had an addictive personality I would use what ever substance there was to escape the coming reality of my nightmares… but, I am not… 

No I found my brain to be more powerful than any substance out there… not that I tried those substances… but the few I did try, did nothing for me… I could take myself to another place and time by just switching the mechanism on in my head… my favorite escape route…only one problem… that escape route is what imprisoned Margie…

When I first got my memory back of the Texas incident… I felt liberated and then it hit me… what if the rest of the missing memory is as ugly as the Texas one??? What then??? and I found myself reverting to my old habit of disconnecting to the reality of what was and tried dressing it up so I could handle it better…

As the time goes by, I see the fear and instead of playing the game of hide and seek with it… I am taking it by the hand and not letting go… It’s draining, but for some reason, my brain is giving me short breaks and the nightmares are more along the line of looking at old movies… some good things, but mostly bad…

I know in writing my book, it will take me a couple of years… only because I have to return to the mainland to do some of the walk down memory lane…by going back to the scene of the crimes…

The little bit of help I got from mental health was what I needed to see and embrace the next phase of this journey to finding Margie… taking the jail cell apart one brick at a time… 

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Knowledge is all the power you need…

It is amazing how much actual knowledge and not mythology can improve the quality of life… As I move away from all the mythological nonsense my birth family clings too… I find a peace in my mind and soul that goes beyond the man-made religion so many cling too… I find a peace and comfort that is more resounding than any thing a human ever spouted, preached or pound the pulpit kind of crap… Reality is so much more comforting and reassuring than anything a human spouted in the name of their god…or political views…

Knowledge in science and facts holds so much more worth than the words that come from another human… this holds more value today, thanks to people like Trump, Cosby, Moore, Weinstein, Lauer, Brokaw and the list just goes on… Men in power who have used religion, faith and bible thumping… only to cover up their depraved behavior just so they can control another human being… all in the name of god, humanity or what ever you want to call it…

Knowledge is my super power… I have no desire to defend myself against anyone or anything… If someone wants to tear me down… then it’s only because that person has no control, no power, no impotence in the world of reality and knowledge… I’m okay with that…

I prefer to have the only control of my world and my reality and my existence… The opinions of other humans has no value to me… why??? because I am the only one living in my skin… What others think, do or behave as, is entirely upon them… just as my behavior, beliefs and thoughts are on me…

I just chose to not let anyone or anything influence how I live my life… I live it based on right and wrong… how I want to be treated and how I treat others… If you need someone to lie to you, stroke your ego or build you up… you came to the wrong writer… that is not my job on this planet…

My job in this world is to live my life true to myself… nothing more, nothing less… I am first and foremost me… what you see, what you hear is what you get… no smoke and mirrors… no hiding behind a man-made religion that is so corrupt, it is no longer a religion… but a cult…

I follow no one and I need no one… that is what being an individual is about… I believe in myself and I fully support myself… Doesn’t mean I don’t like being around people or socializing with people… it just means, I don’t need what ever it is you offer to feel like a whole person… I just need to believe in me… after all, I am the only one living in this skin… there is room only for one inside it… Me…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Hello ole friend, I have missed you… NOT!

Depression is an old friend, the varying levels that present itself to me is interesting… I find it more noticeable now than before… I am aware when it’s going to rear its ugly heads and intrude upon my daily existence… though it does not have the power or control it once had on me… no it’s more of a bitch slap or a creep into my world type of depression and I seem to be the one in control, not the other way around…

I accept that religion is a control mechanism and not a thing of true faith or belief… I accept that those who rely on religion, do it out of a need to be in control of something, it’s just not themselves, thus the need to sin against humanity and fall back on a god will forgive me type of rhetoric…

I accept that I can not change what was done, even though I am reminded daily of what was done to my body in the guise of parenting… I call it for what it is, mental illness and hiding behind religion… but their god will forgive them… not to sure I am 100% behind that thought process… I am still after all very angry they still walk this earth with zero amount of remorse… but their god will forgive them…

I accept that I am tired of all this and the nightmares that seem to come and go as they want, not as I want…

I accept that I am a flawed human being… but I never abused anyone the way I was abused… So if you think you got a lousy life because of your parents… you might want to look at your choices… I chose to leave home at 18, because of the parents… I didn’t know it then, but I do know it now… smartest thing I ever did was leave home… 

I accept I made mistakes as a parent, but hey, who didn’t…. At least I never beat my kids and fractured their bodies or their spirit… but it’s okay that mine did and I am just hunky dory with that… NOT!!!

I accept my honesty is my down fall and it will always keep my little world of people very small and even then, trust is earned not given… so my world is even smaller than people think… it is after all a world built on trust, which I never have given away…

So though I may not have control over the nightmares as they intrude into my world once again… I do have control over so much more that is part of my world… and those I chose to let into it… so today depression 0, me 1…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Ghosts of Memories…

They are there… just not clear as to what is running through my mind while I sleep… I had suspected since Nov 7, 2017 that I had repressed memories, I just didn’t realize how complicated it is to open those memories up… It’s not like you are opening a bag of chips, where they explode and go everywhere… No, it’s more along that line of opening a zipper and getting some body part stuck in that zipper… you open it painfully slow… so slow that you cause yourself as little pain as possible… yep, that is where I be…

As my world around me, and I mean just my little section on this planet… as that settles and becomes less chaotic, the more relaxed and receptive I am to facing the past… Though the past for most of us is just memories… for me the past is freedom from the nightmares that have been with me for over 50 years… and I am getting just a little tired of them hanging around…

Our stay on Hawaii will last as long as I need it too… I will know when I am ready to let it all go… I can’t change what is…. I can learn to understand it, acknowledge it, accept it and learn to live with it… to own it, not IT owning me…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Making Peace & Waiting for Nightmares…

I find myself more relaxed, yet on the verge of another revelation… It is funny how this memory thing works and how much it feels like I am being groomed for the next wake up call on the birth family… naive comes to mind… I have been on more than one occasion very naive… I guess that is why some cling to religion… They chose not to believe in themselves, but in the mythology and stories of a super natural being… kind makes me grin thinking about that… so for me it’s I believe in Magic you Muggles… sorry, could not pass that up… Nope, it just boils down to believing in myself, relying on myself and looking at the world with the same candor I have spouted for 63 years… No regrets, no desire to go back and change the way the world is spinning… just along for the ride and doing the best I can as a flawed human being… No interest in anyone else’s bling or lives or imagined status… Nope, just being me and trying to get through this 1,000 piece puzzle and take my life back from the birth family… You never realize how much influence people have on you, until you either wake and see them for what they are or you just accept that some lives will always be mired in mud-slinging, lying, stealing and cheating and throw in some brutal beating and expect a zebra to get spots instead of stripes… That is what I am struggling with… the reality that the world is a very ugly place to live and sometimes the only way to find the beauty of this world is to make your own… which may not include those living in fantasy… but then who is to say that my world isn’t just fantasy also… World without prejudice, bigotry, hate, discrimination and wars… My brain is still on vacation… just a thought that had been cycling through my brain…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….