Crossing the street, harder than it looked….

I know I need to move on and I am… Sometimes, not often, but once in a while the anger creeps in…..

Its hard to forgive an not forget… Its hard to not be aware of the scars….

Been 12 yrs next month since dad died…. I never shed tears for his death…I shed tears for the ones who made him suffer at the end….

So yes, I have crossed the street, but its hard not to look back…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Humans and Memory…

My hubby brought up a point about memory making… he gets what I am saying, cause I have been telling him about my nightmares for 24 years… so maybe I better explain exactly or as close as I can about my understanding of memory… and all the data and studies and literature I have read on the subject and put it in one short paragraph… or not…

According to science, when the average person makes a memory, it is corrupted within 30 seconds of you forming that memory…. now this is where it gets interesting for me… 

With PTSD, the science says we relive the trauma or attacks or incidents or domestic violence or rape, etc… with PTSD you relive it as if it is happening in that moment and it never alters, it never changes and it always plays out the same… that is what happens with PTSD memories…

With TBI from my perspective of my TBI’s… and what the text books say… You may remember the before or after of the trauma… but rarely do you remember the actual trauma… in my case, I don’t remember all of Big Springs, Texas… thus the move back to the mainland, so I can go back to the scene of the crime… I may have not made memories during the attack portion… that too is an issue with memory… you may have not made any memories during the truama…

Now for people like me who have unique memory abilities and I for one am grateful mine is not high functioning, that means remembering every second of every minute of your life… I am in the more exceptional memory category to Edetic memory category… We can say that, because my first memory is before the age of 2 and it has been verified…

So when I talk about my memories being in color, it means I made the memory and I remember the memory and can prove the memory… In other words I can point out the other players in the memory…. not everybody can lie as good as Trump….

When the memory is in my mind and its in black and white… that is the memory that I will question and search for proof that it is a valid memory I made and not a story that someone in the family told to protect themselves…

The only time I have had a memory go from black and white to color, was Nov 7, 2017… when I told hubby about the picture frozen in time and the ghost of a memory of being covered in bruises and no memory of how I got them… when I started talking about that frozen picture in time, it melted to color and started to play in slow motion and the violence that followed scared me to my core on Nov 7, 2017 and scares me to my core no more… I have accepted the memory and it has been verified…. the black and white picture was gone in an instant, the night Margie died….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

TBI… when you remember….

How do you tell a false memory from a real memory… I can tell you what the text books say… but I found them to be lacking, as there was no actual experience or relation to my paticular situation… doesn’t mean there isn’t information out there… I just haven’t found it since I woke up Nov 7, 2017…. now we know AT&T is screwing with our hot spot… explains our issues with communications… 18 months and counting before we go back to Washington…

In the meantime… I will try and do my posting early in our day before the signal gets eaten up due to the loss of the tower in the lava flow….

As for me when it comes to my memories and I have related this to the shrinks….. When I make a memory it usually is in color and full video mode and it never alters… unlike most people… my memories don’t alter…. in other words, my brain makes a permanent video of the moment that I want to remember… I don’t do it all the time, I do have a brain injury and that does cause a hiccup in some of my process’s….

When its a memory that I am not sure about… it will be in black and white and it never is a video… its a snap shot of the moment… That usually tells me, that the memory is a plant from the family and not one of my making…

That is how I know when my family is lying to me and trying to throw attention off themselves and put it on someone else… never owning their behavior and always hiding behind their religion…. The memory will stay black and white and at some point in time… the memory will be proved false by the ones who planted it… I remember the lies they tell… they don’t and that is when they trip themselves up and reveal their true selves….

So far my parents and all of my siblings have done this… So though my siblings bitched and ranted and raved about the injustices of theirs parents…. they all turned out to be just like them… Which explains in loud volumes why I kept my distance from them after leaving home at 18 and making that distance even greater over time as I gained back my memories….

The final nail in the coffin for the family is Nov 7, 2017 when I woke up from the Big Springs, Texas attack…

That is when I saw the people I once called family for who they really are….

Do I think that my siblings and mother are mentally messed up… Probably… but they are accepting of their lives as it is because their god will forgive them…. in reality they can’t forgive themselves and will be miserable till they meet their grave…. 

Fear is the mind killer, I will face my fears and let them pass through me and only I will remain… I faced mine a long time ago… that is why I belive in me and not some man made gods… I believe in ME….

People like Trump want you to believe in fairy tales…. if that is the case… I believe in magic you muggles…. I don’t believe Trump or his base…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Rhetoric… so over all of it….

On social media, I keep seeing the same propaganda and I don’t assume to be an authority, I can only tell you about the documentary or text books or references that I used to get this conclusion about humanity… and I can do this, because I got a DNA test years ago… so when I said I was something, I had evidence to back it up… not like what we see in the news or social media… mainly face book or the bogus fox news to name a couple…. Elizabeth Warren is another… back up her words with proof… that’s all anyone wants… Proof and facts… not fairy tales…

The Neanderthal was thought to be brutish and basic animal instincts and science has proven that is 100% wrong… They were intelligent and artistic and loving and they also mated with humans and joined in their societies…

DNA testing will show how much Neanderthal you inherited… if you got none, then you came onto this planet at a later stage and are no more indigenous to earth that the next human… Neanderthals were here first… but you don’t see us making a stink about our land being stolen or our society being defeated and assimilated into the humans world…

So when I say I am over the rhetoric… Humans were not here first, the Neanderthal was… and when science finish’s proving facts and dispelling fiction… just maybe we can live together as one… just like the neanderthal and humans hundreds of thousands years ago… before man-made religion turned our world into a living hell… there is no one owner of earth… we all own it… but nature rules it… not man made gods… Nature is the true test of power… not humans and their myths…

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember….

Frustrated….or Amused???

Yesterday I get a text from AT&T that I exceeded my 10 gigs of hotspot… I freaked, we are supposed to be unlimited… the employee had lied to us… 3rd time this has happened with the company…

So off to town we go, to the AT&T store and talk with an employee and check into what we have to do, to keep our communications on-line working…. The plan I had before, was the one the girl switched us off of, is the one we are back on… I am so over corruption and the fact that liars hurt all of us in the pocket-book… just look at the mess Trump and the GOP have done to America… FYI, we have had company and they used the same or different carriers… so we know what works for our location, isolated it is… but wouldn’t change a thing….

Then I get a few emails from some woman who demands I make changes to the Heritage Family Tree site??? I mean REALLY??? I wasn’t aware anyone else paid for it but me…What is wrong with people…

Then another person contacts me about my blog saying I should be investigated…. PLEASE DO!!! It would save me from having to write the book, because the U.S. government would pay me off…. so go for it who ever you are Margaret Lynn…..

Then another person contacts me saying they are a sibling… but they make the blog about themselves… zero support for me… REALLY????

Society has become a self-gratification, demand do as I say, not as I do and authoritarian….

Guess what dumb ass’s!!!! Only one person lives in this skin and only one person is paying for anything…..

BITE ME!!!

I Believe in magic you muggles…. So over stupid….

TimesUp #MeToo

 I Remember……

PTSD is fading away…

Its weird, learning in 2011 after an extensive psych exam for an appeal I had and still do have ongoing with the Veterans Administration… I always knew, from the first psych exam in the Air Force, which was a farce… to the last test taken in 2011 which between the VA and Social Security I had this psych testing done over 6 times in the last 20 years… and none came out the same… should have sent red flags up with everyone… but being government contract employees… their job is specific to the task they are assigned, putting the pieces together would have meant work and we all know, there are no hard-working government employees anymore….

Though it is weird knowing that the PTSD is fading away…. My hubby comments on the changes, so I know he’s aware… my being aware, was always part of the make-up of me… I have always known something was off… the professionals failed to do their job… so that does explain our high suicide rate among veterans… if they got it wrong on me, they are incompetent in dealing with combat PTSD… that is very obvious by the suicide rates… 

Not knowing I had a TBI for so many decades, hindered my ability to recover… really makes you wonder what is wrong with the woman who I once called mother… What I call or think about her now is not for polite society… Trump I will never become… but think the thoughts for this one person, you betcha ….. I was informed by the doctors… that If I had ever been informed of the TBI, I would have recovered decades ago… how different my life would have been… kinda makes me want to do the “It’s A Wonderful Life” routine… but I can’t so… life is what it is….

If you have PTSD and deal with mood swings and violent behavior.. there is hope… its facing the demons that caused the PTSD… taking hold of the throat of the nightmare that caused the whole problem to begin with and own it… Once you own the nightmares, the PTSD does fade… it takes time and it does not happen over night… It will fade and with it, all the anger and fears and torture melt away… because you decided to own your life and not let what happened in the past be the owner….

I still have work to do and our time here on Hawaii will allow me to get there… I won’t have all my answers or questions answered while we are here… but it will allow my heart, soul and mind to heal… By the spring of 2020, I will be ready to go home to Washington….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Holy Crap on a Cracker…

I mean… wow… now a reporter can’t ask the president certain questions he’s uncomfortable with… so he bans the reporter… 1st Amendment… Freedom of Speech… only tyrants try to shut you up and make you believe in fairy tales…  Holy crap on a cracker time…

The fear mongering going on all because of Trump is exactly what I grew up in… that is how the parents controlled everything, until the last time I was knocked upside the head… they were told then, ever lay another hand on me and you will die… not bad for a 17-year-old, who had already lost her childhood to domestic violence, but also to rape… it was the final straw for this kid… and her name is Maggi…

As I watch what is going on in America, I acknowledge lots of it has been done before in the last 100 years and I keep waiting for Americans to say you can’t bitch slap me anymore and get these morons out of office before America is no more… A 17-year-old stood up for what is right…. why can’t Americans…? Fear…

I voted, I did my job as an American… I voted based on facts that I verified and completely ignored social media…. and most of all I ignored the people who are raping America and voted them out…

We survived this last recession that hit housing, all the while dealing with college educated renters who thought they had a right to trash the houses… Degrees do not make you smart…it just means you passed your tests… nothing else… I also survived the inflation under Reagan as a young home owner…

Now as I prepare to sell this home I have extreme doubt about our purchase of another home… I fear what is coming and how it will devastate America and the American people… most of all the middle class…. Cause if we fail, the rest of America will too… That is what Trump doesn’t get… With out us… There is no America….

TimesUp #MeToo

I Remember…..

Sorry, today was too much with the corruption in politics…..